#but. idk. i feel like i can't ask that or that i just shouldn't

[plaest2k]

hey, im a young nz artist too and i like making comics/want to do something bigger when im older, and i think your stuff is genuinely so fucking cool. i love it so much. i was wondering how you pursued art after highschool, like did you go to art school? if so, where and what was that like, and if not, how’d you find the time to continue doing it? its always felt like my opportunities for a career in art specifically seem smaller living in nz, but idk your stuff inspires me to think otherwise. thank you :)

kia ora!!

thanks so much for asking, it's truly so flattering that a young nz artist would ask me for advice! <3 sadly i might not necessarily be the best person to ask...

First of all, it's been a loooooong time since i've been a young artist hahaha I'm 32. After high school, I studied architecture at university because, as you're probably aware, we don't really have art schools like our peers do overseas. But after studying for a few years, I had a major depressive episode and dropped out. After that, I ran away to Korea to teach english for a year before coming back to work in cafes for about 6 years. Back then I was pursuing a career in editorial illustration cause that's what all my favourite artists were doing but I didn't realise that it was a dying industry at the time and there weren't exactly lot of full-time professional artists here who could have warned me...

So after about 10 years of trying to piece together some kind of profession in illustration, I ended up looking for a tattoo apprenticeship which was looking pretty promising but my bosses turned out to be not-so-great people. I tried to keep tattooing on my own but that was around the time COVID hit which wasn't (and still isn't) great for a job that requires you meet face-to-face with a lot of people. So, since the pandemic began, I've just been subsisting off of jobseeker, chipping away at comics and the occasional illustration gig.

The whole experience had me perpetually burnt out for the past ~15 years and made me realise that art as a career really just shouldn't be a thing. Under capitalism, it requires either an embarrassing level of compromise, privilege or luck to pursue. All the household-name artists you know in NZ either come from privilege or got unbelievably lucky. I don't say this as a value judgment or anything, most of them are truly wonderful people, it's just what I've learned about them as colleagues who've worked together a few times over the years.

I don't fault anyone for wanting to pursue that, but if you want to make uncompromising art that makes you feel fulfilled, you can't stake your livelihood on it. Art is supposed to be a by-product of life well lived, not content to be sold.

It's why I'm making plans to go back to uni next year to switch careers into a cushy office job because, as you've observed, even if you still want to pursue this as a full-time career, opportunities for artists in Aotearoa is extremely limited.

Having said all that, there's still a lot of nuance to this whole thing that would take me too long to cover in a tumblr post, so if you'd like me to elaborate or anything or have more questions, you're more than welcome to contact me through my email: plaest2k@gmail.com!

And this offer extends to literally anyone who might be looking for advice or just wants to talk about art <3

Final thing: the thought of studying something else at college/ university and keeping your art as a hobby might sound bleak when you're young, but life is so much longer than you think. You might feel like you have limitless creativity and ideas at the moment but when it becomes your entire life, you burn through it all faster than you'd think. It's because you need fuel to inform what you make and you can't get that from just making art. Like I always say, art is a by-product of a life well lived; You need life-experiences; You need to love, hate, care, be hated and loved to make art and you can't do that if you're too busy to do any of that. Those 3 years you spend on a bachelors is nothing in comparison to a lifetime of staring at a blank page, agonizing over what to make next.

[lynxalon]

ough

[kyouka-supremacy]

Well.

[pekoeboo]

ugh. some thoughts.

really been trying to find the joy in drawing/writing again and honestly it's been such a challenge. friends have told me it's most likely depression that's making it hard to feel motivated and tbh they're probably right.

hoping to get back into being creative in the way I Want to be at some point tho. I miss it. there's still so much with my stories and characters that I haven't been able to share or explain and I wish I knew how without it feeling like this daunting, impossible task.

I don't know when I'll get around to actually sharing art again (or writing, if ever). was hoping that I'd manage to get some of my mental and physical issues in check recently for just long enough to get back into the swing of being creative, but that hasn't seemed to work. everything feels bad, both artistically and physically. I'm struggling to keep up with the frantic pace at which my brain comes up with story concepts and intriguing character interactions, even tho everything in me wishes I could turn it into tangible artistic expression so I can get it out of my head and share it. it used to be easy. I don't know why it's not now.

I'm just . tired, I guess.

[dengswei]

growing up being denied getting what you ask for for birthdays/christmas because of x & y reasons you get older and you find yourself not able to ask for the things you want 😬

[tenrose]

I hate living in this world.

[standfucker]

not gonna lie yall, it feels like all I do is either work or recover from work and it's bumming me out big time

[punctuation-completionist]

you don’t have to answer this ask but wow how are you supposed to be the bad guy fucking apologizing for reacting badly to being told to kill yourself?? i hate this website

well okay hold up i never said i was the bad guy. i said there were misunderstandings on both sides and that i was sorry for an issue in one part of how i handled it. just one.

[wereh0gz]

Not feeling great abt some of my creative endeavors rn

[daz4i]

i literally can't think about life or the future for more than a few seconds without getting so distressed that i shut down. surely this is a good sign for things to come

[loumauve]

I snapped today at work, and by snapped I mean I politely commented on a help desk ticket by summing up an mess of an (type of) issue that's come up for at least the fourth time in the 2+ months I've been managing user accounts, and asked the person responsible to fix it (himself for once) because last time I fixed his mess-up it took me two whole days to work out the details with at least four other colleagues from different departments and I really don't want to do it again. there's other shit that needs doing, I've been working 10+ hour days for most of this week already, so I need to cut down not add on more.

(good thing tho - at least we managed to fix the issue where the dataset of a newer employee got mixed up with another one of the same name and therefore wasn't able to apply for any of the access/accounts she needed. technically not entirely my area but it does impact us not being allowed to create an account for her so I figured I might as well track that issue down. took three days and at least three other people, but hey - it should all work out now. yay for that)

[cathodic-clairvoyant]

You are actually the only person I have seen say anything that makes sense regarding HDWR recently, thank you for your good takes. I love this manga, but it really feels like I’m not reading the same story as most people sometimes

I for the record think that there is a lot (in fact i'd say majority) of interesting discussion about hdwr, even now, (just the other day in the main tag i saw a post that i liked talking about tamaki as a character & her and miwa's relationship and despite the subreddit having a lot of silly posts lately i think a couple months ago around ch. 113's release there were a lot of good comments about MiwaSae and both of their development throughout the story and I think even now there's good discussion about ch. 119 and miwa and tamaki burried in the silly stuff) and in some sense like i feel like the current wave with ch. 119 was always going to happen, it's a very emotionally charged topic that we're seeing how much it hurt a character people tend to like so like i understand being upset by it and having strong opinions about it.

That all being said, the kind of discussion that tends to surround the story of "sae was unfair/toxic to miwa" "tamaki has always been manipulative" "yuria is unfair to sae" are baffling to me because I feel like to get anything out of this story- to not instantly just be frustrated with it- you have to interact with it a little bit on its terms and I think part of that is acknowledging that these characters are more complex than the simple one word "abusive/toxic/manipulative/innocent" labelling and have complex emotions and imperfect reasoning that cause them to make mistakes, be cruel to each other, and do the wrong things. This doesn't excuse the characters' actions but that's not what the story is interested in doing anyway.

And like, I don't think the story is for everyone, I don't think everyone has to want to interact with the story on those terms; which is why while i personally don't agree with the kind of people who say "i had to stop reading when miwa and sae broke up bc it was too sad/too frustrating" and the like, I can at least understand it as just the story has goals that reader doesn't want to engage with, which is completely understandable. Where it confuses me is getting so far through the story and still not choosing to interact with the story on its terms. What are you getting out of this story then??? Does viewing sae as toxic enhance the story for you? Is it a useful way in looking at the narrative?

Especially since I feel like tamifull has attempted to make these characters realistic almost to invite us the reader to examine both ourselves and our relationships as we read. Is How Do We Relationship a useful tool to to analyze yourself or your own relationships with if you flatten the characters into good and bad? Is that a lens you'd want to view your own relationships with? I don't think so. I feel like the only things it could lead to is "i wouldn't make that mistake because I'm not toxic." "i wouldn't find myself in this situation because me and my partner aren't like them." So like. What benefit does viewing these characters in this way give you? You clearly seem to agree with/like the goals of the story if you're still here 100+ chapters later so like. What are you getting out of this?

I dunno. Like i said, I do think there's still a lot of good discussion about hdwr. That's why I still lurk the subreddit and read posts in the main tag. It's just this specific genre of discussion i can't understand especially when it happens with like more recent chapters

[linagram]

[ 𝚙𝚛𝚎-𝚝𝟸 𝚟𝚘𝚒𝚌𝚎 𝚍𝚛𝚊𝚖𝚊 #𝟶𝟸 ] 𝚝𝚑𝚎 𝚋𝚎𝚐𝚒𝚗𝚗𝚒𝚗𝚐 𝚘𝚏 𝚝𝚑𝚎 𝚜𝚎𝚌𝚘𝚗𝚍 𝚝𝚛𝚒𝚊𝚕

IT'S OFFICIAL THE SECOND TRIAL IS HERE BABYYYYY oh god now they're going to suffer even more

(Warnings: mentions of attempted suicide, physical violence (prisoners get injured and beaten up and also Eiji and Kei's relationship gets mentioned), toxic relationship dynamics and heavy implications of self-harm)

Miki: Eiji-san?..

Miki: Eiji-san, can you hear me?

Eiji: .. Ah, sorry.

Eiji: I just.. I was too deep in thought, I guess.

Miki: I-it's okay! I just didn't expect you to be the one getting distracted this time, haha..

Eiji: What was that?

Miki: N-nothing! 

Miki: B-but seriously, a-are you okay? You've been acting a bit weird lately..

Miki: Did something happen? Y-you can tell me!

Eiji: I'm fine. Don't worry about me.

Miki: .. If you say so.

Miki: So.. You know why we're here, right?

Eiji: .. Yeah. Because of the second trial.

Miki: *nods* I.. I thought it would be a good idea to talk about everything that happened after the first trial.

Miki: Would you be okay with that? I-if you're too tired, I completely understand-

Eiji: No, you're right. We do have to talk about it.

Eiji: There's.. a lot of things we have to discuss. 

Miki: Ah, do you want me to do most of the talking? I can do that-

Eiji: NO! 

Miki: *screams*

Eiji: .. Sorry.

Eiji: I will do it. You can just sit here.

Miki: U-um..

Miki: O-okay then..

*sounds of Eiji getting up*

*sounds of Eiji's footsteps*

Eiji: So.. Many of the prisoners feel like completely different people now. 

Eiji: Some of them are acting like the complete opposite of their past selves and some of them are acting like.. if you took their personality traits, even the good ones, and made them much worse.

Eiji: It doesn't even matter if they were voted guilty or innocent. All of them are equally bad. 

Miki: Eiji-san..

Miki: Are you saying our judgement was incorrect?

Eiji: .. I don't know.

Eiji: Maybe. 

Eiji: No, it would definitely be better if we just voted all of them guilty-

Miki: So that they could suffer even more?

Miki: Eiji-san, I respect you a lot.. 

Miki: But I think a lot of prisoners finally got the confidence they needed this way. They feel so much safer now too!

Miki: Who knows what they would do if all of them were voted guilty..

Eiji: I'm not just talking about their personalities, but their relationships too. 

Eiji: Those who were friends are basically enemies now or their relationships are just much more toxic now. 

Eiji: You know who I'm talking about, don't you?

Eiji: I mean, our relationships with the prisoners are different too now. 

Eiji: .. Let's begin.

Eiji: Prisoner 001, Miyagawa Akio.

Eiji: He got the well-deserved guilty verdict last time and his ideas and thoughts were rejected. Serves him right, honestly..

Eiji: I wish I could say that without feeling worried, but.. I can't do that because of what happened. 

Miki: .. So you are worried about him.

Eiji: Because he was voted guilty, I knew that I will have to punish him for his sins. At first I just wanted to beat him up, but..

Eiji: I-I guess I underestimated how passionate I am about that kind of stuff.

Miki: He got a head injury because of you, Eiji-san.

Miki: A really.. bad one.

Eiji: Guard 002, with all respect I have for you, you think it was bad just because there was a lot of blood-

Miki: ISN'T THAT ENOUGH FOR ME TO SAY HE WAS SERIOUSLY INJURED?

Miki: Miyagawa-san.. He got traumatized both physically and mentally after that.

Miki: If it wasn't for me.. If I didn't manage to stop you before it was too late..

Miki: I think you would have ended up killing him, Eiji-san.

Eiji: ...

Eiji: S-so what? He deserves to die anyway.

Miki: He's only 16 years old-

Eiji: Anyway, about his personality. Akio definitely feels like a different person now, but he still has many personality traits he had before all of this.

Eiji: As I said, his ideas were rejected. Which means we have basically told him.. 

Eiji:"You're not a king nor a god that you think you are".

Eiji: And considering that because of his head injury, it's much more difficult for him to do most things, now he feels like he actually isn't as smart and talented as he thought. 

Eiji: It's hard for him to walk without feeling dizzy and feeling like his head is spinning, so he often needs help when he has to go somewhere. 

Eiji: He's also a bit more quiet now, though he's still very loud whenever we try to talk to him. 

Miki: And for a good reason. You're the reason why he's like this now.

Eiji: Stop blaming me. I wasn't the only person who decided to vote him guilty. 

Eiji: If it really was the wrong decision, then it's our fault, not just mine.

Eiji: He's more quiet now mostly because it's harder for him to talk now. I also almost never see him reading or studying anymore. 

Eiji: .. I-I guess it really was a fitting punishment for a "genius" like him-

Miki: How can you say that?!

Miki: What if that injury really is serious? You know I can't take proper care of him, right? 

Miki: What if his life will get worse because of it? What if..

Miki: .. What if he will die if he doesn't get any help?

Eiji: All of them are going to be executed by me anyway, so-

Miki: HOW CAN YOU SAY THAT AFTER WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM??

Eiji: ...

Miki: .. You wanted to talk about everyone's relationships too, right?

Miki: Do it. Tell me more about them.

Eiji: .. Well, Akio never really had any friends in this place, though he could often be seen with Aimi and Riku. I assume it's because of them being high school students, so they got along well, since they all are almost the same age.

Eiji: But if Akio's verdict was "Guilty", Aimi and Riku, on the other hand, were forgiven. 

Eiji: And that has changed their relationship dynamic a lot. 

Eiji: You see, after being voted guilty, Akio started becoming more and more.. unstable. He claims that he hears someone's voice sometimes and he can even see that person. There was a time when Naomi told me that Akio couldn't sleep because he felt like he was being choked by that person. 

Eiji: Some prisoners also say that they can often hear Akio mumbling to himself and Aimi thinks that he's actually saying someone's name repeatedly. 

Miki: .. I-I think I know what's going on here.

Miki: I'm not sure about that voice he hears and that person who has tried to choke him, but.. What if he's actually saying the name of his accomplice?

Miki: That would also explain.. well, that incident.

Eiji: .. I'll ask Aimi to pay more attention to what he says. That information could be useful for us.

Eiji: Anyway, because Akio's hallucinations have started getting worse and worse, he couldn't take it anymore and ended up having a breakdown in front of all the other prisoners.

Eiji: And he tried to ask Riku for help and grabbed his hand and I don't know what exactly he said, since we arrived when it was too late, but Riku did not like it.

Eiji: I'll talk more about it later, but.. After that, Akio slowly walked back to his cell, even though it was still hard because of his condition and..

Eiji: *sighs*

Eiji: I'm assuming he tried to make his injury even worse by beating his head against the wall. 

Miki: .. You know that he had a reason to do that. And it wasn't just about "trying to make it worse". 

Eiji: Fine, what else do you want me to say? This guy is not doing well. That's it.

Eiji: Now, let's talk about the person who stopped him from doing that to himself when we weren't there. And also, the only person he can trust right now.

Eiji: Prisoner 002, Hanasaki Aimi.

Eiji: Ah, the poor girl who was bullied by her entire class. 

Eiji: She was voted innocent and her ideas and thoughts were affirmed.

Eiji: .. I still don't trust her.

Eiji: As I said, her ideas were affirmed, so I assumed that she will try even harder to make friends after this and she won't be so shy anymore..

Eiji: .. But she is actually much more quiet now.

Eiji: She still acts nice and she's still very polite, but now she doesn't really try to become friends with anyone in this prison.. except one person.

Eiji: And that person is Akio.

Eiji: She was the one who stopped him from basically killing himself and she's also the one who takes care of him, holds his hand when he's having trouble walking and I think I also heard her read a book out loud for him once. 

Miki: Isn't she so nice? I still don't understand how such a kind person like her can be a murderer-

Eiji: I wouldn't trust her so easily if I were you. Sure, she's nice to Akio now, but she stopped talking to Riku after she found out what he said to Akio.

Eiji: Just so you understand, she completely ignores Riku now. She doesn't even look at him.

Eiji: She's acting like this with some other prisoners too now: she tries to avoid Yurika and she has also called Asahi out once for his behavior.

Miki: But I think that's understandable?..

Eiji: What I'm trying to say is.. It's kind of interesting, don't you think? Aimi already knew that all prisoners are murderers and she already knew that they are not good people and they obviously have flaws, but when it was the first trial, she still insisted that she likes them all and wants to be friends with them.

Eiji: But now, she doesn't try to become friends with any of them except Akio, who also can't really do anything without her help anymore.

Eiji: .. I feel like I'm starting to see a connection here.

Eiji: Anyway.

Eiji: Prisoner 003, Ishizu Shun.

Eiji: Sadly, he was voted innocent, so his ideas and thoughts were affirmed.

Eiji: Come on, I know you regret voting him innocent.

Miki: .. W-what else was I supposed to do?..

Miki: If we voted him guilty, who knows what he would do and how he would act! 

Eiji: So you admit it? You admit that this guy is unpredictable? 

Eiji: So you admit that this guy is dangerous?

Miki: .. Ishizu-san is just.. 

Miki: .. He's just very hard to understand..

Eiji: He sure is more confident now thanks to his thoughts being affirmed. It's not a good kind of confidence, it's a very annoying kind.

Eiji: Also, is it just me or he doesn't care about his ex anymore?

Eiji: I mean, he openly flirts with both Kei and Eiko now, even though when Eiko herself said that she's interested in him, he rejected her since he's "taken".

Eiji: He also rarely mentions being in love with his ex and now he doesn't even say stuff like "I did this for her! I just wanted her back! I just loved her so much I had to kill her new boyfriend for her sake!"

Miki: Maybe he just.. forgot about it?

Eiji: I doubt it. Though I can't say that him being in love with her was an act, this guy's video showed that he really did care about her in his own twisted way.

Eiji: Although..

Eiji: We haven't actually seen her face. We've only seen her new boyfriend's face and that's it.

Eiji: Maybe we should make him talk more about that guy this time.

Eiji: And also.. now that he's more confident, he refuses to take no for an answer.

Eiji: .. Especially when it comes to Kei.

Miki: ...

Miki: Eiji-san..

Miki: Are you worried about-

Eiji: I'm not.

Eiji: I just find it disgusting how he started to take more and more advantage of Kei now that the guy can barely move. I don't remember him being so "dominant" before Kei got punished. 

Miki: .. So you are worried-

Eiji: I'M NOT!

Eiji: A-anyway, Shun and Eiko are much closer now since both of them were forgiven unlike Kei.

Eiji: .. And they sure like to remind Kei about them being "superior" to him all the time.

Eiji: .. I don't want to talk about him anymore.

Eiji: Prisoner 004, Chiba Naomi.

Eiji: She was forgiven and her ideas and thoughts were affirmed.

Eiji: I guess she's mostly fine, but still.. I feel like something is wrong here.

Miki: Why? Chiba-san is so nice and understanding and she always helps me out when I need advice.. 

Eiji: Just like Shun, she's much more confident now. And why would she start acting like that if she's truly sorry for her sins?

Eiji: She wanted us to vote her guilty, remember? I thought that she would ask us to rethink our decision, but no, she just accepted it and moved on. 

Miki: W-well, maybe she just.. you know, started to see her crime differently? Like, maybe she doesn't think it was that bad anymore?

Eiji: If she's not lying, her victim really was a child. Do you think it's okay to just go "Oh, maybe me killing that kid actually wasn't a big deal"?

Miki: But what if she had her reasons-

Eiji: I don't care about her reasons. She's a child murderer and her victim most likely was one of her students. And now she thinks that her crime wasn't even that bad and doesn't try to make us change our mind. 

Eiji: She says that she simply doesn't try to do it because "we're the guards, so we know what we're doing", but I know she's secretly happy that she got voted innocent.

Miki: .. Again, you're saying my decision was wrong?

Eiji: .. Um-

Eiji: I'm just saying that now we can see that Prisoner 004 actually wouldn't try to become a better person and she actually doesn't think that her crime was that serious. Voting her innocent helped us realize it, so.. 

Eiji: Maybe you were right in some way.

Eiji: Ah, and even though she's still acting like everyone's.. uh, mom, basically, her ideas were affirmed, so now she's more strict with the younger prisoners.

Eiji: If she sees someone misbehaving, she will tell them to stop it and if they don't, she might actually get angry at them. 

Eiji: Though she's mostly nice to all prisoners who are still kids.. except one of them. 

Miki: ...

Eiji: .. Yeah, I'm talking about Asahi.

Eiji: And even though I would gladly vote Naomi guilty this time, I support the way she treats Asahi. 

Eiji: Yes, I know that he's most likely your brother, but you have to admit-

Miki: I-I will talk to him about it, okay? I will.

Miki: I'll prove his innocence to you, Eiji-san. I'll prove that he really deserves to be forgiven.

Eiji: The next prisoner is-

Eiji: .. Prisoner 005, Sanada Kei.

Eiji: He was voted guilty and his ideas and thoughts were rejected.

Miki: .. I still have no idea how you just.. can be so cruel to him without feeling anything.

Miki: He's your brother! If I had to vote Yano-san guilty-

Eiji: Are you telling me someone like him deserves forgiveness?..

Eiji: Guard 002, he's the one who turned my life into a living hell. 

Eiji: He.. He always was weird. And I had to protect him from other kids and people in general because of that. 

Eiji: .. I remember him thanking me for that once. 

Eiji: But then something happened and.. He started beating me for no reason every single day after that.

Eiji: He actually almost killed me once, no, twice! Maybe even more times!

Eiji: He's literally the reason why my whole body hurts all the time, why don't you get it, Miki?! Who cares about him when my body will never truly heal and it's all his fault!

Miki: .. *sobs*

Miki: I'm sorry.. I really.. I didn't mean to..

Miki: It's just.. I'm used to trying to see the good in all people and..

Miki: I thought that maybe Kei-san still deserves forgiveness..

Eiji: *sighs* Listen, I can't deny that I kind of admire that trait of yours. 

Eiji: But Kei doesn't deserve any of your forgiveness and kindness. Trust me.

Eiji: .. He refused to believe that all of this was real and that he really is going to be punished until I actually came and.. well, gave him what he deserves.

Miki: I still remember his cries and how loud he screamed from all that pain.

Miki: But that's.. weird. I thought Kei-san was a much more..

Eiji: Same. Remember him saying that he's not afraid of pain and that he can handle it all or something like that?

Eiji: .. It turned out to be another lie of his. 

Eiji: He's so used to being the one who hurts people that he has no idea what to do when someone hurts him.

Eiji: "More pain means more love"? Sure, whatever you say, Kei. You agree with what our mother used to say only when you're the one who's inflicting all that pain.

Eiji: .. Something is bothering- um, I just find something very confusing though.

Miki: Really? What?

Eiji: For some reason, I noticed that Kei already had a lot of scars on his body even before his punishment. 

Miki: Wait, what?? W-were they bad? Why didn't you tell me?

Eiji: If I did, you would never let me punish him. 

Eiji: Even I got scared, but only a little bit.

Miki: .. Don't you feel at least a little worried for your brother?

Eiji: W-why should I care? Maybe someone just got "a bit too rough" with him or something, I don't want to think about it. It's none of my business.

Eiji: Anyway, Kei still hangs out with Shun and Eiko very often, but now it's not because he wants to. He can't even leave his cell without anyone's help because of how much pain he's in, haha..

Eiji: Ahem, so Shun and Eiko are the ones who drag him out of it and they just make him follow them around. Actually, I feel like now they spend even more time together compared to the first trial.

Eiji: But don't you even think that this guy is just a poor victim and we absolutely have to forgive him this time-

Miki: Should I remind you that he almost got beaten up because of Maruyama-san?

Eiji: I have no idea who I should believe, but she told us that he was acting creepy again and she wanted to defend herself.

Eiji: I don't trust her most of the time, but since it's Kei.. I can see him saying something and Yurika getting mad at him for that.

Eiji: If that was the case, I can't blame her.

Eiji: .. I still can't believe that he actually got saved by someone though.

Eiji: Prisoner 006, Yoshioka Eiko.

Eiji: She was voted innocent and her ideas and thoughts were affirmed.

Eiji: Well, she did thank us for forgiving her, but I'm sure she didn't actually care about her verdict. She's just not that kind of person.

Miki: She is.. very affectionate with you now because of you agreeing to vote her innocent.

Eiji: Yes, and I hate it.

Miki: "Do you though?.."

Eiji: However, I feel like she actually did change as a person.

Eiji: She openly admits that she likes Kei and Shun only because of their appearance, but still keeps them close because she likes the attention she gets from them. 

Eiji: So it's like.. She said that she knows Kei will never "truly" love her and she also said that it would be easy to forgive her because of her looks, but now she agrees that she and Kei aren't actually that different.

Eiji: Also, even though she was one of those prisoners who refused to accept that all of this is a real thing, she has recently started asking me more questions about Milgram.

Eiji: Like, how it works, who created this place, why we were chosen as the guards, all of that..

Eiji: I have no idea why she's so curious about it now.

Miki: Maybe after the first trial was over, she started to realize that this isn't just a game and our verdicts really do have consequences?..

Eiji: Or maybe she just wants to spend more time with me.

Eiji: I don't get it though. I'm not that, uh.. "attractive" and I never give her any attention, so.. why me? Is it just her trying to make me forgive her again?

Eiji: .. No, she's not like most prisoners here.

Miki: But I think you're very pretty, Eiji-san!

Eiji: Um, thank you?..

Miki: Still not my type though.

Eiji: I wasn't even trying to.. never mind.

Eiji: Prisoner 007, Yano Asahi.

Eiji: He was voted innocent and his ideas and thoughts were affirmed. 

Eiji: And, well, he reacted to it just like a spoiled kid his age would.

Eiji: He thought that it was going to happen anyway and now he's sure that no matter what he does, he will still be forgiven, because.. you know, he's a child.

Miki: But isn't he right-

Eiji: Well, that's not gonna happen.

Eiji: I never judge anyone only based on their age. No matter how young or how old they are, I will make sure they will get the verdict that they deserve.

Eiji: And because all of them are murderers, all of them deserve to be-

Miki: I know, you don't have to say that again.

Eiji: .. Huh?

Eiji: U-um, okay, let's talk about how he acts now. 

Eiji: Prisoner 007 is much more confident now and I rarely see him cry or throw a tantrum, though he still likes to use his.. uh, "cuteness" to get what he wants. 

Eiji: However, he's now surprisingly good at controlling his emotions. I have no idea what happened to him, but he's much more polite now and I almost never hear him swear anymore. 

Eiji: Eh, he's probably just trying to manipulate us into voting him innocent again.

Miki: But what if he actually did change? What if he's trying to become a better person?

Eiji: I doubt it. He always has this.. weird smile on his face. Like I want to punch him whenever I see him smile like that.

Eiji: He keeps ordering other prisoners around too, again, he's just more polite about it now and it's harder to tell that he really is just using them.

Eiji: I should mention something about his personality and his relationship with other prisoners. Now that Akio is no longer as narcissistic as he used to be, Kei can't even leave his cell without anyone's help and.. we'll talk about Riku later, Asahi and Shun are basically the most "powerful" male prisoners now. 

Eiji: However, Shun is still disliked by mostly everyone and they don't really like Asahi either, but it's hard to deny that this kid is much better at making everyone believe that he has "changed" and that he really is more nice now.

Eiji: It's like.. this kid has all the power now. 

Eiji: "Andou siblings really rule this prison now, don't they?.."

Miki: W-well, I wouldn't say that.

Miki: True, he is much.. uh, "nicer" now and people are starting to like him a bit more, but he's still just as vulnerable. 

Miki: Like.. For some reason I'm starting to feel like he wants more attention from me now? Like now he requests even more things, but he always asks me to get him something and not you.

Eiji: "I think it's because the prisoners don't like me that much in general."

Miki: But when you don't count all the food, toys, clothes and other things, he just.. wants to spend time with me. Like he actually wants to know more about me and he keeps asking me so many questions..

Miki: .. It's still hard for me to get used to him calling me "Miki-nee" though.

Miki: He doesn't even know that we're most likely related..

Miki: And speaking of him still being one of the most vulnerable prisoners, Kei-san wasn't the only prisoner Maruyama-san has attacked.

Miki: Yano-san was her victim as well.

Eiji: Again, it's kind of justified. Naomi said that she saw everything with her own eyes and I usually don't trust her, but I will do so this time. 

Eiji: Basically, Asahi's been taking full advantage of Yurika's status as a guilty prisoner and her punishment and he eventually got tired of his "good boy" act and he spilled some really hot tea that she made for him on her. He claimed that it was an accident but both Naomi and Yurika could tell that it wasn't one. 

Eiji: Yurika had enough and, well.. decided to take her anger out on him. 

Eiji: I stopped her before she could actually injure him though. He only got a cut on his cheek from her nails and that's all.

Miki: Thank you, I appreciate it. 

Eiji: .. I-It's not because he's your brother. I would do the same thing even if it wasn't Asahi. I can't let those prisoners fight each other like that.

Eiji: *laughs* Though of course they would try to do that. They are murderers after all.

Eiji: Speaking of Yurika..

Eiji: Prisoner 008, Maruyama Yurika.

Eiji: She was voted guilty and her ideas and thoughts were rejected.

Miki: I'm still finding it so hard to believe.. I mean, I thought she seemed like a nice person when I first met her.. 

Eiji: Is it just me or you voted her guilty only because of what she said about you that time?

Miki: .. I really do want to save everyone here.

Miki: And I will do anything to achieve my goal. 

Miki: *gets up* Who does she think she is to go and say that I'm just doing this to make everyone trust me?!

Eiji: Okay, okay, calm down.

Eiji: Fine, let's not talk about it. You have your reasons to vote her guilty and I have mine.

Miki: .. Y-you're right. Sorry.. *sits down*

Eiji: Her punishment was a bit different from Akio and Kei's punishments. It wasn't a physical one, it was more about.. mental pain, I guess? 

Eiji: Since her thoughts were rejected, she lost all the potential freedom she could get and now she's back to doing what she hates the most.

Eiji: She has to act as everyone's maid now.

Eiji: We don't have to bring anything to prisoners personally, we can just ask her or, you know, make her do that. She can also serve them food now.

Eiji: I know, that was very smart of me. Less work for us~

Eiji: .. I wish I could say that, but her temper is.. something.

Eiji: When I first told her about her punishment, she cried. Loudly. She cried like a little baby. 

Eiji: And when I tried to make her stop, she almost punched me, but oh well, she obviously wasn't able to do that.

Eiji: And now, whenever she refuses to listen to my orders, I just remind her that I can make her punishment even worse and she listens to me.

Eiji: But now her relationship with the prisoners is much worse. People either see her only as their maid, they think she's scary or they even find her annoying.

Eiji: She's used to be close with all the female prisoners, but now Aimi is one of the prisoners who thinks she's too dangerous, Eiko just makes her do everything for her and even though Naomi actually tried to be nice to her at first, Yurika wasn't as nice. Her relationship with Reina is.. complicated now.

Eiji: Prisoner 009, Kuroki Riku.

Eiji: He was voted innocent and his ideas and thoughts were affirmed.

Eiji: .. I still have no idea how you could have forgiven someone like him.

Eiji: He obviously just wanted to make us feel bad for him. 

Miki: Even if he did, he still was in pain and he needed help. If we voted him guilty, I think he would start acting even worse.

Miki: Just imagine what he would do if he found out that he was going to be punished!..

Eiji: But guess what? Now that his thoughts were affirmed, Akio almost killed himself because of him, Aimi left him and pretty much all prisoners don't want to do anything with him anymore.

Eiji: Because I remind you, this guy actually wanted his childhood friend to die. 

Eiji: Let's go back to his fight with Akio. Again, I still have no idea what Akio said to him, but I do know what Riku told him and what made Akio.. do what he did.

Eiji: After Akio said something that made Riku angry, Riku, just like a normal boy his age, said this:

Eiji: "Go and die then."

Miki: ...

Eiji: .. We shouldn't find Akio's suicide attempt surprising after this considering his mental state and how much he liked Riku. 

Eiji: So? Are you going to defend him this time too?

Miki: .. I will talk to him about it. Of course, he can't just say things like that, but I want to understand why he did it. 

Eiji: Well, I'm sure he will appreciate you still trying to defend his actions, because I remind you that this happened while all other prisoners were watching.

Eiji: And yeah, Aimi stopped seeing Riku as her friend after this. 

Miki: "She's a victim of bullying, of course she would leave him.."

Eiji: And all other prisoners kinda stopped talking to him after that. Their conversations are just really awkward now, especially because Riku still refuses to apologize for what he said and claims that it's all Akio's fault.

Eiji: He has no one to talk to anymore. Akio and Aimi are doing great without him, Shun is having way too much fun with Kei and Eiko, Naomi and Reina have no idea how to help him, Kei simply can't do anything for him right now, Eiko and Yurika don't care about what happens to him and Asahi says that he's "bad" so he doesn't want to spend time with him, though I'm sure he's doing it just to make him suffer.

Eiji: .. It's kinda interesting, actually. They know that every single prisoner here is a murderer, but they were mostly fine with that fact until now, when one of them has almost killed the other prisoner with his words.

Eiji: And.. he went back to his unhealthy coping mechanisms because of all of this.

Eiji: He's okay with doing literally anything to make people look at him, including hurting himself in different ways.

Eiji: I literally can't even leave him alone with a fork and a knife anymore and I have to watch him while he eats.

Miki: .. Again, I will talk to him about it. 

Miki: I want to save everyone in this prison. Especially Yan- 

Miki: .. I mean, my brother and Riku.

Eiji: And finally, the last one.

Eiji: Prisoner 010, Himura Reina.

Eiji: She was voted innocent and her ideas and thoughts were affirmed.

Eiji: Honestly, I think she's one of those prisoners who have changed the most.

Eiji: She's like a completely different person now.

Eiji: She's no longer pretending to be someone she's not. She almost never mentions the whole "I'm actually the most dangerous murderer in this prison" thing anymore. 

Eiji: She's also very.. calm now. To the point of showing almost no emotions.

Eiji: She doesn't make dumb jokes anymore, she doesn't say things like "Oh, I actually have more than 50 victims", she isn't that loud anymore.

Eiji: .. And she also was the one who protected Kei from being attacked by Yurika.

Eiji: If that doesn't prove that she has changed, I don't know what will.

Miki: .. What if she actually always was capable of that? What if she always could protect someone like that and we just didn't know?

Eiji: Well, I can't say anything about that.

Eiji: She and Kei are actually surprisingly close now. She's the only person here who isn't afraid of him and doesn't take advantage of his condition.

Eiji: I was shocked at first, but now that I think about it..

Eiji: It makes sense. Their personalities are actually very similar.

Miki: So that's why she's been asking me to take care of him so often lately.. 

Eiji: .. What surprises me the most is that Kei never flirts with her or tries to impress her. I guess it has an obvious explanation, but if we trust Yurika's words, he's still more than capable of being annoying in that way.

Miki: Well, maybe he just sees her as a friend? Isn't that nice?

Eiji: Don't say that. I can't imagine this guy having friends that actually like him.  

Eiji: She isn't that close with Yurika anymore and when I asked her about it, she sounded like she was.. disappointed in her? I guess she wasn't prepared to see the real Yurika.

Eiji: .. That's all I have to say.

Eiji: *sighs*

Miki: So.. Do you still want to vote all of them guilty?

Eiji: Why are you even asking me that? Of course I do. Actually, I want to punish them even more now that I've seen what kind of people they become after being forgiven.

Miki: But isn't it natural to start acting more calm or confident after being forgiven? 

Miki: Just like you said, their ideas and thoughts were affirmed. Of course, they think that they were the ones in the right now.

Eiji: .. I wanted to talk to you about something.

Eiji: You don't have to think too hard to notice that all, or at least, most prisoners like you much more than me.

Eiji: Most of those who were voted innocent are thankful to you for saving them and they're hoping to be forgiven this time again.

Eiji: And those who were voted guilty are this close to begging you to save them from me and forgive them.

Eiji: It's like..

Eiji: It's like you're a goddess of this place, haha..

Miki: .. Hehe, come on, I-I'm just doing my job..

Eiji: Don't try to forgive all of them this time though. Be more careful. They're obviously going to try and take advantage of your kindness.

Eiji: Now, let's go and interrogate-

Eiji: !

*sounds of Eiji falling on the floor*

Miki: Eiji-san!

Miki: A-are you okay?!

Miki: Are you hurt? What happened?

Eiji: .. W-why..

Eiji: Why is everything so.. blurry now?

Miki: Please, tell me if you're not feeling okay! We can just interrogate everyone tomorrow-

*sounds of Eiji trying to get up*

Eiji: I'm fine. I'm fine, I can do this. 

Eiji: H-huh?..

Eiji: "Why am I feeling so weak?.."

Miki: Eiji-san, your body is shaking. A-are you feeling any pain? Maybe discomfort?..

Eiji: I told you I'm fine! Let's just go and begin the second trial already-

Eiji: Ah-

Eiji: .. T-thank you.

Miki: If it wasn't for me, you would fall again!

Miki:*sobs* Eiji-san.. Please, just tell me what's going on..

Miki: I just want to help you!

Eiji: Guard 002, let me go.

Miki: I can't do that when you look like you're about to-

Eiji: JUST LET ME DO MY JOB, MIKI!

Eiji: WHY CAN'T I HAVE AT LEAST ONE THING I ACTUALLY ENJOY DOING? WHY DO YOU ALWAYS HAVE TO RUIN EVERYTHING?

Eiji: I'M BASICALLY NO ONE BECAUSE OF YOU NOW, WHY DON'T YOU GET IT?!

Eiji: ...

Miki: .. Eiji-san? Eiji-san, can you hear me?

Miki: "I should let him have some rest.."

Miki: "What did he mean by me ruining everything though? Was he talking about everyone's verdicts?"

Miki: "I doubt that he's jealous of me being more respected by the prisoners or something like that.."

Miki: ".. I'm a goddess of this place.. What did he mean by that?"

Miki: "It doesn't sound bad though, hehe.."

Miki: "Trust me, Eiji-san, I will save everyone in this prison. I will forgive them for all their sins and I will guide them."

Miki: "I will save everyone, Eiji-san.."

Miki: ".. Including you."

***

???: Hm? 

???: What is going on with that screen?.. 

???: Ah, it's you!.. Sorry, I forgot your name again.

Jackalope: .. Maybe we should have chosen someone else. 

???: *laughs* You're right, you're right. 

???: No, seriously, I still don't understand why I was chosen. I mean.. 

???: Look at me. Why would you make someone like me the guard of this prison?

Jackalope: You're asking way too many questions for someone like you. By the way, I left your guard uniform at the door. You can go and get it, I'll open the door just this once.

???: Really? Okay..

*sounds of slow footsteps*

[ ??? opens the door ] 

???: Wow!..

???: .. I-it doesn't look that comfortable. 

[ ??? closes the door ]

???: And why would I even wear it? Didn't you say that I'm not allowed to leave this room?

Jackalope: True, but now you'll actually be able to participate in the trials. 

Jackalope: As always, you'll be able to see everything from here. You don't even have to leave.

???: .. Does that mean I can participate in the voting process too now?

Jackalope: Absolutely! You can even say hi to the other guards if you want. 

Jackalope: That girl is very cute, by the way, so I doubt that you'd want to lose your chance-

Jackalope: Wait, or are you-

???: Hmm, I think it will be too hard for them to accept the fact that there's a third guard hiding somewhere. 

???: .. I think I have an idea. You already did that thing to the first guard, right?

???: I think I know how I can interrogate the prisoners without letting the other guards know anything.

Jackalope: You remember that you still have to vote though, right?

???: I do, I do. Don't worry, I won't disappoint you~

???: *yawns* Sorry, looks like I've spent all my energy for today.

???: Hehe, I wish I had a stuffed animal that looked like you-

Jackalope: Don't even think about it. Cuddling with a guy? No thank you. 

???: Calm down.. You know I can't even be in the same room as you anyway.

???: But before I go to sleep, can you answer my question already?

???: Why was I chosen?

???: I mean, I can't even participate in this trial properly. I just spend all my time in this room. 

???: I'm also not that interested in "saving" or "punishing" those prisoners..

Jackalope: .. Well, let's just say that all guards have their reasons to be here.

Jackalope: That guy wants to see his brother in pain and he wants to get his revenge on him. The girl is harder to figure out, but I'm sure she has her goal too.

Jackalope: You also have a reason to be here. Why don't you think about it yourself?

???: Hm... 

???: Maybe you're right. 

???: Either way, I don't think I'll lose much if I participate in this thing.

???: I have nothing to lose anyway. 

[anaalnathrakhs]

"people love you uwu people care about you" okay? not my problem. love me less. can we work out a reasonable level of care where it's obviously not cool if horrible things happen to me, a human being, and you won't do any horrible thing to me, but you don't feel obligated to fuss over anything out of the ordinary i do and i have to shut up about it and perform Normal Human Emotions lest i commit an awful social faux pas and hurt your feelings?

[funkylittledemon]

so sick and twisted that i spent so much time looking after other people that asking for help is now an unforgivable sin to me. like no i wont make anyone else Help me bc all i am is someone to Help others so i shouldn't need help or do anything to make anyone else feel like that and whats worse is like 5 years ago my friend predicted this shit like I've been feeling guilty about getting basic help for over 5 years and it just gets worse

[idledreams4]

I know I'm spending too much time on Tumblr cause y'all just call me Harlenn

I just got caught off guard when someone who I know keeps calling my by my dead name did exactly that.

I'm so used to hearing the name I want to that I got blindsided and also it's making me re-evaluate my friend choices...