#but. idk. i feel like i can't ask that or that i just shouldn't
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hey, im a young nz artist too and i like making comics/want to do something bigger when im older, and i think your stuff is genuinely so fucking cool. i love it so much. i was wondering how you pursued art after highschool, like did you go to art school? if so, where and what was that like, and if not, how’d you find the time to continue doing it? its always felt like my opportunities for a career in art specifically seem smaller living in nz, but idk your stuff inspires me to think otherwise. thank you :)
kia ora!!
thanks so much for asking, it's truly so flattering that a young nz artist would ask me for advice! <3 sadly i might not necessarily be the best person to ask...
First of all, it's been a loooooong time since i've been a young artist hahaha I'm 32. After high school, I studied architecture at university because, as you're probably aware, we don't really have art schools like our peers do overseas. But after studying for a few years, I had a major depressive episode and dropped out. After that, I ran away to Korea to teach english for a year before coming back to work in cafes for about 6 years. Back then I was pursuing a career in editorial illustration cause that's what all my favourite artists were doing but I didn't realise that it was a dying industry at the time and there weren't exactly lot of full-time professional artists here who could have warned me...
So after about 10 years of trying to piece together some kind of profession in illustration, I ended up looking for a tattoo apprenticeship which was looking pretty promising but my bosses turned out to be not-so-great people. I tried to keep tattooing on my own but that was around the time COVID hit which wasn't (and still isn't) great for a job that requires you meet face-to-face with a lot of people. So, since the pandemic began, I've just been subsisting off of jobseeker, chipping away at comics and the occasional illustration gig.
The whole experience had me perpetually burnt out for the past ~15 years and made me realise that art as a career really just shouldn't be a thing. Under capitalism, it requires either an embarrassing level of compromise, privilege or luck to pursue. All the household-name artists you know in NZ either come from privilege or got unbelievably lucky. I don't say this as a value judgment or anything, most of them are truly wonderful people, it's just what I've learned about them as colleagues who've worked together a few times over the years.
I don't fault anyone for wanting to pursue that, but if you want to make uncompromising art that makes you feel fulfilled, you can't stake your livelihood on it. Art is supposed to be a by-product of life well lived, not content to be sold.
It's why I'm making plans to go back to uni next year to switch careers into a cushy office job because, as you've observed, even if you still want to pursue this as a full-time career, opportunities for artists in Aotearoa is extremely limited.
Having said all that, there's still a lot of nuance to this whole thing that would take me too long to cover in a tumblr post, so if you'd like me to elaborate or anything or have more questions, you're more than welcome to contact me through my email: [email protected]!
And this offer extends to literally anyone who might be looking for advice or just wants to talk about art <3
Final thing: the thought of studying something else at college/ university and keeping your art as a hobby might sound bleak when you're young, but life is so much longer than you think. You might feel like you have limitless creativity and ideas at the moment but when it becomes your entire life, you burn through it all faster than you'd think. It's because you need fuel to inform what you make and you can't get that from just making art. Like I always say, art is a by-product of a life well lived; You need life-experiences; You need to love, hate, care, be hated and loved to make art and you can't do that if you're too busy to do any of that. Those 3 years you spend on a bachelors is nothing in comparison to a lifetime of staring at a blank page, agonizing over what to make next.
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ough
#i wish someone would braid my hair :(#but no one will cause they don't know how#and. well. i can't help but feel sad that they. don't learn it#i am not loved to the point of learning#well okay that's dramatic#it's not like i've expressed wishing they would learn so i can have my hair beaided by people i love#because that would make me Feel loved#but. idk. i feel like i can't ask that or that i just shouldn't#but. i want to. i want to feel loved and rn that is difficult and i just wanna see the proof of love y'know?#my love language has steadily become heavy in the acts of service type#anyways honestly i'm just upset because i'm in pain and raising my arms to braid my hair. makes it worse#and i also didn't do a very good job which. yeah that makes me very sad#whatever lol
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Well.
#(I'm back)#It was. Uhm. A chapter#First of all: I'm ENDLESSLY GRATEFUL to the person who sent me the translation basically as soon as the chapter came out.#I even did like 90% of typesetting but didn't finish it because I had to go out#(aka with my friends were literally knocking out at my room and I couldn't make it any more late lol)#Mixed feelings about it? Mostly because there's so much exposition... I'll need to reread it another three times before it sinks in#The color page is AMAZING 10000000000000/10 I love my sskks so much they're so cute I love them so much they're so cute.#Easily the best part of the chapter.#The color page was? Very very pretty too? Like a lot more than usual if you ask me! I can't wait for the volume cover 🥺🥺#It should come out soon shouldn't it? Usually color spreads / pages open the volume...#Akutagawa fake dying again is funny. Like it isssss but also. Idk it's a little lame how we're changing the pov from ss/kk again :/#I can't even tell if I'm being biased or if it's an actual storytelling critique. I don't care right now I just want to see Akutagawa–#being cool rather than. You know. Dead on the ground.#That said! It's also very funny and touches my sense of humor precisely.#Like yeah Akutagawa being like the second strongest pm member and overall one of the most powerful ability user in the world–#that everyone fears (and I know he is! He is indeed for real!)#And yet he always ends up face to the ground 😂😂😂 Like if we don't count the ss/kk fights he literally only ever won against Hawthorne.#And even then he failed to kill him and Mitchell. It's so funny to me. I love him. He's so pathetic#“Wow! Akutagawa is so cool and invincible now!” *ends up biting the dust not even two chapters later*#It's okay because I love him. He's very very powerful and he's also very very pathetic I love that for him#That said :/ I don't really care about Fukuzawa :/ Idk :/ Like :/#Don't get me wrong I LOVE Fukuzawa (I don't. I'm mostly neutral towards him) but this is the ss/kk moment man :/ Whatchu doin#That's about it. Let's see what the next chapter brings!#Everything accounted for I'm glad there wasn't like. A ss/kk kiss or any other big big ss/kk moment#(although Atsushi admiring Akutagawa and thinking about his eyes has its fair share of neatness to it!!)#Because with everything going on this evening I really would have been let down to miss it#But I keep hope for the next chapters!! Please...#random rambles#Had tons of fun typesetting! Even though I don't think there's a point in posting it now. But would love to do it again in the future!#bsd spoilers
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ugh. some thoughts.
really been trying to find the joy in drawing/writing again and honestly it's been such a challenge. friends have told me it's most likely depression that's making it hard to feel motivated and tbh they're probably right.
hoping to get back into being creative in the way I Want to be at some point tho. I miss it. there's still so much with my stories and characters that I haven't been able to share or explain and I wish I knew how without it feeling like this daunting, impossible task.
I don't know when I'll get around to actually sharing art again (or writing, if ever). was hoping that I'd manage to get some of my mental and physical issues in check recently for just long enough to get back into the swing of being creative, but that hasn't seemed to work. everything feels bad, both artistically and physically. I'm struggling to keep up with the frantic pace at which my brain comes up with story concepts and intriguing character interactions, even tho everything in me wishes I could turn it into tangible artistic expression so I can get it out of my head and share it. it used to be easy. I don't know why it's not now.
I'm just . tired, I guess.
#spectre says#text post#negative#vent post#delete later#sorry#i probably shouldn't post this idk#tbh i know i've said this a million times but. even if i'm struggling to draw or whatever#i'm still open for asks. i want so badly to talk about my characters and the things i've been unable to explain through art#but i can't get my own thoughts together enough to know where to start with that in like. just a random post#and asks would be a great way for me to actually focus on one concept at a time based on whatever you guys are curious about#but i hate sounding like i'm begging for attention/interaction i just. genuinely don't know if anyone is interested otherwise#and if you guys do want to know more you HAVE to tell me directly#because vague forms of engagement are difficult for me to comprehend or read between the lines of#i can't read minds obviously ><;;#i know ask culture has changed a lot over the years tho and a lot of ppl don't like sending them out of being shy or whatever#which i understand#it's kind of an awkward form of engagement that no other site really has#so no pressure i'm just letting you know that I won't know if any of you guys are interested in learning more about my stuff#if i'm not told directly is all#anyway. tangent aside#its just been rough mentally my dudes. hopefully things clear up at some point and i won't feel so dead all the time#and actually have the mental clarity to continue drawing/writing like i used to again;;; God willing;;
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growing up being denied getting what you ask for for birthdays/christmas because of x & y reasons you get older and you find yourself not able to ask for the things you want 😬
#lex waffles#or really asking for things in general#or is this just a me thing#like even non-expensive stuff i never got#so idk after a while i stopped asking for things and just accepted whatever i got which is fine whatever i'm grateful but still#even if there was things i wanted or needed#meanwhile my brother got everything he ever wanted lmfaoo#but that's not my bitterness coming out or anything#idk my brother never had any shame in asking for things even if they were mega expensive#meanwhile me who hasn't had a new phone for god knows how long & has a battery so bad i need to charge it at least twice a day#is like hmmm i can't ask for a new phone because that's too expensive#birthday saga#this is why i'm so bad at spending money because i learnt early that i needed to save money because i wouldn't be given any#and now i'm just like uh i can't spend it on this thing i need because what if i need that later lmfao#tho i shouldn't feel guilty because it's my dad who will pay for it and that's the least he can do smh
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I hate living in this world.
#misc#negativity tw#first off i had an argument with a colleague at work#we had to move places for the millionth time in this stupid open space#which already annoyed me#but this guy came at bargained like he always do while i said nothing because it's not like we chooae#and he always does that for actual work because and idk at first i made a snarky comment about now that he got what he wanted he better be#ready to work instead of hiding when somebody ask him to do his job#and he told me he didn't understand the remark#and my hot temper that makes me snap every five years took over#i bet he has by now complaining aboutme like he does about everything#anyway i take hours to calm down (not calm after 4 hours)#I'm also pissed at me cause i can't get emotional without shaking stupidly which makes me look like an hysterical person (i mean sadly i am)#also if there has to have an explanation once my anger is gone tomorrow i will be back on social anxiety mode which is gonna make it worse#all of this reminded me that i need to find a new job for ten thousand reasons#but unfortunately all employers are shit and actually i don't even know what i want to do#and as usual i have no energy for anything because i am still a major piece of shit#then i wanted to relax#made the mistake to open Instagram because I'm also stupid#and i know i don't often talk about politics and stuff#but it's really draining me#i barely or read news just enough to be aware#and honestly its exhausting but I dont want to complain cause Im in a privileged position where i have the chance to be able to 'shut off'#and yes my country and especially this government is sickening me#and like its people too#and also insta is full of pride posts#and i am stupid to read the homophobic and transphobic comments#and genuinely these people alongside racist and islamophobic people really scare the hell out of me#hopefully i don't engage but i shouldn't read anything at all tbh#speaking of pride im spiralling because even tho i kinda identify as aro i feel like a freak and i have nobody to tell me im not
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not gonna lie yall, it feels like all I do is either work or recover from work and it's bumming me out big time
#I don't have a chronic illness. I shouldn't be taking this long to recover#idk why I can't get home from work and go straight to writing#it's like I have to spend a day mustering up the will to live in the face of ongoing capitalism#it's my own fault. I would have had a two day weekend but they asked me to come in to cover someone and my clown ass said sure#I want to be pissed at the coworker who called off but it's my own fault for accepting#I had a phone interview today and I am ANXIOUS to know if they're going to bring me in for a second interview I NEED a better job#I just want a job where I dont dread going to work and also maybe get paid more than minimum wage#feeling really depressed about capitalism and working forever and knowing I'll never be able to afford a house#I WANT TIME TO DO MY HOBBIES GOD DAMN IT ;A;#also im lonely as hell. how am I supposed to go out and meet people if I'm too tired to do anything#I wanna meet someone. I wanna be loved romantically.
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you don’t have to answer this ask but wow how are you supposed to be the bad guy fucking apologizing for reacting badly to being told to kill yourself?? i hate this website
well okay hold up i never said i was the bad guy. i said there were misunderstandings on both sides and that i was sorry for an issue in one part of how i handled it. just one.
#ask tag#not counting#like um. i do understand that maybe this person's sense of humor is way different then mine okay#but like. they said that they didn't mean it legitimately and once they saw it was haarmful they apologized#for me to say ''i am glad i understand your side of the story and you understand mine'' i am not saying i'm the bad guy#there's really no ''bad guy'' in this situation as i see it because the world is more nuanced then that y'know#like. sometimes people have a sense of humor that you can't pick up on. it doesn't mean you shouldn't state your point of view#and say ''that wasn't how i want people to talk to me and i also won't let you do that''#also the only part i really ''apologized'' for was that i used a term for them that was uncomfortable#i assume for gender reasons. and i understand where that comes from. if someone called me ''girl'' while arguing i wouldn't like it#whenever i said sorry after that i did my best to try and word it in a way like ''i am sorry this happened but it's not my fault''#like how when. idk. someone's grandma dies and you say ''sorry for your loss'' you're not saying that you killed their grandma#you're just saying that you feel bad that the thing happened but not that it's your fault#and yes. i do agree that the situation may have been fixed if they just said it was a joke but hindsight is 20/20 right?#anyways. that's my take on the situation.#and like. idk. if they apologized and told me how they saw it. i'm gonna believe them because i have had WAY more malicious people here#like idk. there have been anons who have said wayy worse and there's no discernable reason for why they would#like that one anon who told me that i should get my arms chopped off or something. idk. i deleted it before i could commit it to memory#and that was on purpose#but like. my point is. there's worse people. and if i focus all of my energy about being mad over a person who made one joke in bad taste#idk just seems like a waste of time#at least that's my perspective on the situation. never said i was the bad guy. just sorry it happened#also sorry it happened so late at night for me! i need an ibuprofen and a bagel now
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Not feeling great abt some of my creative endeavors rn
#ramblings#neg#specifically abt project: new moon#i can feel myself actively losing interest in continuing to write for it#like the main story is already out there and that's fine#but even tho i have ideas for oneshots and stuff to introduce more characters (like those redesigns for rouge and shadow i did a while ago)#it just. doesn't feel worth continuing. idk why#i guess it might be the lack of interest for my writing in general#or maybe project: new moon just. isn't that great#which is fine the point of the project was to do it for fun not to make something objectively good#but ig i'm just. not feeling it anymore? i don't feel satisfied with it like i did when i finished writing it#i still love my ocs and the redesigns i did of canon characters for it#and i'm glad i got the story i've had in my head since i was like 12 out there. even if it's very different from how i first envisioned it#but. i really just wanna put it to rest#i really don't feel like i can promise any more writing for it. not like anybody cared abt it anyway besides like 3-4 ppl + myself#idk man i wanna move on from it. i have other stuff i wanna write that i feel guilty for not doing#bc i'd said i'd write more for project: new moon and still haven't#i think i'd be happier if i let the fanfic go and just draw my ocs and my redesigns when i feel like it#without worrying abt the fic anymore#bc frankly ever since writing the epilogue my heart just didn't feel like it was in it#thinking abt it felt like a chore more than anything. so maybe it'd be for the best to just leave it as it is#that comic i said i'd write is still happening tho i still really wanna do it#but that's different from writing fanfic so#anyway. might turn the project: new moon blog into a general writing blog#if i finish the corrupted au fic i'm currently working on. idk yet we'll see#but yeah. i know i shouldn't trust how i feel past 9 pm but I've been feeling this for a while now so whatever#i think i should've seen this coming in retrospect. pretty much everything i do that isn't just art never gets much traction anyway#can't say i'm really giving up on it considering it's TECHNICALLY complete#but the way things are going feels almost exactly like the rp and ask blogs i've tried to run in the past#idk man. i gotta stop thinking abt this before the vague feelings of inadequacy spiral into something worse. goodnight
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i literally can't think about life or the future for more than a few seconds without getting so distressed that i shut down. surely this is a good sign for things to come
#true about any aspect of those. personal life. local politics. world disasters etc#i can't focus on one and approach it first bc even that's already too much for me#i was genuinely truly literally not made to be alive. i am not built for this. i shouldn't have survived this long#i feel like an error in the book of fate. like i accidentally dodged the grim reaper for too long#there is too much of me inside my brain. if that makes sense. i am long overdue. etc etc#what is that even called is it still depression at this point 😭😭😭 it's like a whole new thing fr#seriously tho how the fuck does one even get over it. being in a state of mind like that means no therapist would even try working with me#(bc well if i don't think i should be alive how am i supposed to work to get better. esp when i don't see any reason to)#(kinda like a festering wound in a body part that should've been cut off ages ago)#everything feels pointless bc of how shitty the future will be no matter what. like there is truly no hope at all#this isn't pessimism it's just facts. there is no good ending here no matter what. unless you overhaul reality completely#vent#:/ i should probably try to sleep but i'm doing really bad#idk if i'll have nightmares or just a very sad dream like i had last night. i don't seem to have much else going on there in my brain#negative //#sorryyyyyy#i'd ask for help but idk what help to even ask for. what anyone could even offer. like there is no solution or a way to forget it#best i can do is distract myself all the time but that's really hard to do when a lot of what i have going on makes me feel bad too#. rambling in nonsensical ways atp sorry. brain is being mean and stupid
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I snapped today at work, and by snapped I mean I politely commented on a help desk ticket by summing up an mess of an (type of) issue that's come up for at least the fourth time in the 2+ months I've been managing user accounts, and asked the person responsible to fix it (himself for once) because last time I fixed his mess-up it took me two whole days to work out the details with at least four other colleagues from different departments and I really don't want to do it again. there's other shit that needs doing, I've been working 10+ hour days for most of this week already, so I need to cut down not add on more.
(good thing tho - at least we managed to fix the issue where the dataset of a newer employee got mixed up with another one of the same name and therefore wasn't able to apply for any of the access/accounts she needed. technically not entirely my area but it does impact us not being allowed to create an account for her so I figured I might as well track that issue down. took three days and at least three other people, but hey - it should all work out now. yay for that)
#been feeling anxious af ever since bc it's the first time I've been this firm in a reply and idk how they'll take it#there's underlying issues in inter-departmental communication that need fixing that cause these issues to happen again and again#but my boss is on parental leave and his substitute is sick not that she cares or is up for doing her job where communication is concerned#so there's no real sense in addressing that rn esp by me who's only been there since June. but it does frustrate me a lot#anyway. I'm sure I'll get over this too. but yeah.. ppl not thinking things through for the two mins it takes to create an account#or the twenty seconds it takes to check if one already exists before creating a new one#or the minute it takes to check if folks still have an active contract past their time working in your department before deleting an accoun#just jfc. put in a smidge of effort and five mins total and save the rest of us from spending half a day to fix your mistake#oh well. if I get a pissy response I'll just blame it on being new as an intern and being too motivated and idealistic I guess#god forbid I expect people to do their jobs thoroughly or with at least a singular thought..#anyway. I feel like I'm allowed to be grumpy abt this since we are the folks who end up having to fix this shit#and by we I mean pretty much mostly me at this point bc one colleague is sick atm. my boss barely has time for this and is on leave#and my other colleague only works half time so I'm the one who's been handling most of these over the past month or so#which.. is still insane considering how I'm a goddamn intern who shouldn't even have admin rights tbh#but without them I couldn't do anything at all lol so here I am. nice that they trust and believe in me I suppose#that's why I try to do my best. (who am I kidding that's always the case anyway)#but yeah. definitely a 50% staff support job and only 50% of the other important things that need doing rn it's more like 90/10#and it's funny how I still dread my two hours of hotline. but every time the line is too busy I still jump in#we are also only 6 people atm out of 10 and three of us are still in training. and one of the trained folks had to come back in mid time of#next week we'll likely be 4#depending on if our substitute boss lady is back.. not that I'd look forward to it. she's a mess and she's been horrible to deal with latel#sure. she's stressed. but she's either snapping at me when I ask abt shit I can't know yet or she's ignoring me. great basis for team work.#so honestly I'd rather she not return on Monday. esp not if she's gonna spread her germs everywhere#but now sleep. sorry for the rant. it's certainly been quite the month since I returned from my own wisdom tooth rated sick leave..#gotta be up again in 6.5 hrs so I can be at work at 6 to let the electrician in. I'm gonna sleep so hard over the weekend I stg#a day in the life of..
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You are actually the only person I have seen say anything that makes sense regarding HDWR recently, thank you for your good takes. I love this manga, but it really feels like I’m not reading the same story as most people sometimes
I for the record think that there is a lot (in fact i'd say majority) of interesting discussion about hdwr, even now, (just the other day in the main tag i saw a post that i liked talking about tamaki as a character & her and miwa's relationship and despite the subreddit having a lot of silly posts lately i think a couple months ago around ch. 113's release there were a lot of good comments about MiwaSae and both of their development throughout the story and I think even now there's good discussion about ch. 119 and miwa and tamaki burried in the silly stuff) and in some sense like i feel like the current wave with ch. 119 was always going to happen, it's a very emotionally charged topic that we're seeing how much it hurt a character people tend to like so like i understand being upset by it and having strong opinions about it.
That all being said, the kind of discussion that tends to surround the story of "sae was unfair/toxic to miwa" "tamaki has always been manipulative" "yuria is unfair to sae" are baffling to me because I feel like to get anything out of this story- to not instantly just be frustrated with it- you have to interact with it a little bit on its terms and I think part of that is acknowledging that these characters are more complex than the simple one word "abusive/toxic/manipulative/innocent" labelling and have complex emotions and imperfect reasoning that cause them to make mistakes, be cruel to each other, and do the wrong things. This doesn't excuse the characters' actions but that's not what the story is interested in doing anyway.
And like, I don't think the story is for everyone, I don't think everyone has to want to interact with the story on those terms; which is why while i personally don't agree with the kind of people who say "i had to stop reading when miwa and sae broke up bc it was too sad/too frustrating" and the like, I can at least understand it as just the story has goals that reader doesn't want to engage with, which is completely understandable. Where it confuses me is getting so far through the story and still not choosing to interact with the story on its terms. What are you getting out of this story then??? Does viewing sae as toxic enhance the story for you? Is it a useful way in looking at the narrative?
Especially since I feel like tamifull has attempted to make these characters realistic almost to invite us the reader to examine both ourselves and our relationships as we read. Is How Do We Relationship a useful tool to to analyze yourself or your own relationships with if you flatten the characters into good and bad? Is that a lens you'd want to view your own relationships with? I don't think so. I feel like the only things it could lead to is "i wouldn't make that mistake because I'm not toxic." "i wouldn't find myself in this situation because me and my partner aren't like them." So like. What benefit does viewing these characters in this way give you? You clearly seem to agree with/like the goals of the story if you're still here 100+ chapters later so like. What are you getting out of this?
I dunno. Like i said, I do think there's still a lot of good discussion about hdwr. That's why I still lurk the subreddit and read posts in the main tag. It's just this specific genre of discussion i can't understand especially when it happens with like more recent chapters
#channel 3#ask#anonymous#I'm not maintagging this one simply because i think it's less about hdwr itself and more just my own personal ramble#so i hope whoever asked this eventually finds it ¯\_(ツ)_/¯#anyway idk. to each their own i don't think it's super worth engaging with simply because once again to what end does this enhance the story#but i just don't think it's the most productive use of discussion space#not at the very least because i just straight up disagree with the contexts of when people say these things#i saw a comment once that said sae was unfair to miwa when she broke up with her#because sae shouldn't get to be upset with miwa about feeling like she doesn't love her when sae didn't seem to be trying on her end#but like a. sae's reasons for breaking up with miwa were multifaceted. sure she couldn't believe miwa loved her#but moreso it had to do with herself. not communicating with miwa not being honest with her and her fears and insecurities about being loved#and b. if you were insecure about being loved would you be happy in a relationship where your current girlfriend can't even say i love you#and who's most positive thing she's said about you is 'you accept me for who i am'? a nonspecific thing that could apply to so many people#possibly including the girl she's admitted she still has feelings for?#like I'm once again miwa fan numero uno but its baffling to me when people act like she had nothing to do with her and saes original breakup#it removes the agency that miwa had unfairly places blame solely on sae and worst of all#ITS BORING#anyway i really like this story and i enjoy reading other people's opinions about it#but like you said sometimes it's like I'm reading a different story than a lot of people#i think as we get past these next couple chapters the discussions will get back to being more productive
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[ 𝚙𝚛𝚎-𝚝𝟸 𝚟𝚘𝚒𝚌𝚎 𝚍𝚛𝚊𝚖𝚊 #𝟶𝟸 ] 𝚝𝚑𝚎 𝚋𝚎𝚐𝚒𝚗𝚗𝚒𝚗𝚐 𝚘𝚏 𝚝𝚑𝚎 𝚜𝚎𝚌𝚘𝚗𝚍 𝚝𝚛𝚒𝚊𝚕
IT'S OFFICIAL THE SECOND TRIAL IS HERE BABYYYYY oh god now they're going to suffer even more
(Warnings: mentions of attempted suicide, physical violence (prisoners get injured and beaten up and also Eiji and Kei's relationship gets mentioned), toxic relationship dynamics and heavy implications of self-harm)
Miki: Eiji-san?..
Miki: Eiji-san, can you hear me?
Eiji: .. Ah, sorry.
Eiji: I just.. I was too deep in thought, I guess.
Miki: I-it's okay! I just didn't expect you to be the one getting distracted this time, haha..
Eiji: What was that?
Miki: N-nothing!
Miki: B-but seriously, a-are you okay? You've been acting a bit weird lately..
Miki: Did something happen? Y-you can tell me!
Eiji: I'm fine. Don't worry about me.
Miki: .. If you say so.
Miki: So.. You know why we're here, right?
Eiji: .. Yeah. Because of the second trial.
Miki: *nods* I.. I thought it would be a good idea to talk about everything that happened after the first trial.
Miki: Would you be okay with that? I-if you're too tired, I completely understand-
Eiji: No, you're right. We do have to talk about it.
Eiji: There's.. a lot of things we have to discuss.
Miki: Ah, do you want me to do most of the talking? I can do that-
Eiji: NO!
Miki: *screams*
Eiji: .. Sorry.
Eiji: I will do it. You can just sit here.
Miki: U-um..
Miki: O-okay then..
*sounds of Eiji getting up*
*sounds of Eiji's footsteps*
Eiji: So.. Many of the prisoners feel like completely different people now.
Eiji: Some of them are acting like the complete opposite of their past selves and some of them are acting like.. if you took their personality traits, even the good ones, and made them much worse.
Eiji: It doesn't even matter if they were voted guilty or innocent. All of them are equally bad.
Miki: Eiji-san..
Miki: Are you saying our judgement was incorrect?
Eiji: .. I don't know.
Eiji: Maybe.
Eiji: No, it would definitely be better if we just voted all of them guilty-
Miki: So that they could suffer even more?
Miki: Eiji-san, I respect you a lot..
Miki: But I think a lot of prisoners finally got the confidence they needed this way. They feel so much safer now too!
Miki: Who knows what they would do if all of them were voted guilty..
Eiji: I'm not just talking about their personalities, but their relationships too.
Eiji: Those who were friends are basically enemies now or their relationships are just much more toxic now.
Eiji: You know who I'm talking about, don't you?
Eiji: I mean, our relationships with the prisoners are different too now.
Eiji: .. Let's begin.
Eiji: Prisoner 001, Miyagawa Akio.
Eiji: He got the well-deserved guilty verdict last time and his ideas and thoughts were rejected. Serves him right, honestly..
Eiji: I wish I could say that without feeling worried, but.. I can't do that because of what happened.
Miki: .. So you are worried about him.
Eiji: Because he was voted guilty, I knew that I will have to punish him for his sins. At first I just wanted to beat him up, but..
Eiji: I-I guess I underestimated how passionate I am about that kind of stuff.
Miki: He got a head injury because of you, Eiji-san.
Miki: A really.. bad one.
Eiji: Guard 002, with all respect I have for you, you think it was bad just because there was a lot of blood-
Miki: ISN'T THAT ENOUGH FOR ME TO SAY HE WAS SERIOUSLY INJURED?
Miki: Miyagawa-san.. He got traumatized both physically and mentally after that.
Miki: If it wasn't for me.. If I didn't manage to stop you before it was too late..
Miki: I think you would have ended up killing him, Eiji-san.
Eiji: ...
Eiji: S-so what? He deserves to die anyway.
Miki: He's only 16 years old-
Eiji: Anyway, about his personality. Akio definitely feels like a different person now, but he still has many personality traits he had before all of this.
Eiji: As I said, his ideas were rejected. Which means we have basically told him..
Eiji:"You're not a king nor a god that you think you are".
Eiji: And considering that because of his head injury, it's much more difficult for him to do most things, now he feels like he actually isn't as smart and talented as he thought.
Eiji: It's hard for him to walk without feeling dizzy and feeling like his head is spinning, so he often needs help when he has to go somewhere.
Eiji: He's also a bit more quiet now, though he's still very loud whenever we try to talk to him.
Miki: And for a good reason. You're the reason why he's like this now.
Eiji: Stop blaming me. I wasn't the only person who decided to vote him guilty.
Eiji: If it really was the wrong decision, then it's our fault, not just mine.
Eiji: He's more quiet now mostly because it's harder for him to talk now. I also almost never see him reading or studying anymore.
Eiji: .. I-I guess it really was a fitting punishment for a "genius" like him-
Miki: How can you say that?!
Miki: What if that injury really is serious? You know I can't take proper care of him, right?
Miki: What if his life will get worse because of it? What if..
Miki: .. What if he will die if he doesn't get any help?
Eiji: All of them are going to be executed by me anyway, so-
Miki: HOW CAN YOU SAY THAT AFTER WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM??
Eiji: ...
Miki: .. You wanted to talk about everyone's relationships too, right?
Miki: Do it. Tell me more about them.
Eiji: .. Well, Akio never really had any friends in this place, though he could often be seen with Aimi and Riku. I assume it's because of them being high school students, so they got along well, since they all are almost the same age.
Eiji: But if Akio's verdict was "Guilty", Aimi and Riku, on the other hand, were forgiven.
Eiji: And that has changed their relationship dynamic a lot.
Eiji: You see, after being voted guilty, Akio started becoming more and more.. unstable. He claims that he hears someone's voice sometimes and he can even see that person. There was a time when Naomi told me that Akio couldn't sleep because he felt like he was being choked by that person.
Eiji: Some prisoners also say that they can often hear Akio mumbling to himself and Aimi thinks that he's actually saying someone's name repeatedly.
Miki: .. I-I think I know what's going on here.
Miki: I'm not sure about that voice he hears and that person who has tried to choke him, but.. What if he's actually saying the name of his accomplice?
Miki: That would also explain.. well, that incident.
Eiji: .. I'll ask Aimi to pay more attention to what he says. That information could be useful for us.
Eiji: Anyway, because Akio's hallucinations have started getting worse and worse, he couldn't take it anymore and ended up having a breakdown in front of all the other prisoners.
Eiji: And he tried to ask Riku for help and grabbed his hand and I don't know what exactly he said, since we arrived when it was too late, but Riku did not like it.
Eiji: I'll talk more about it later, but.. After that, Akio slowly walked back to his cell, even though it was still hard because of his condition and..
Eiji: *sighs*
Eiji: I'm assuming he tried to make his injury even worse by beating his head against the wall.
Miki: .. You know that he had a reason to do that. And it wasn't just about "trying to make it worse".
Eiji: Fine, what else do you want me to say? This guy is not doing well. That's it.
Eiji: Now, let's talk about the person who stopped him from doing that to himself when we weren't there. And also, the only person he can trust right now.
Eiji: Prisoner 002, Hanasaki Aimi.
Eiji: Ah, the poor girl who was bullied by her entire class.
Eiji: She was voted innocent and her ideas and thoughts were affirmed.
Eiji: .. I still don't trust her.
Eiji: As I said, her ideas were affirmed, so I assumed that she will try even harder to make friends after this and she won't be so shy anymore..
Eiji: .. But she is actually much more quiet now.
Eiji: She still acts nice and she's still very polite, but now she doesn't really try to become friends with anyone in this prison.. except one person.
Eiji: And that person is Akio.
Eiji: She was the one who stopped him from basically killing himself and she's also the one who takes care of him, holds his hand when he's having trouble walking and I think I also heard her read a book out loud for him once.
Miki: Isn't she so nice? I still don't understand how such a kind person like her can be a murderer-
Eiji: I wouldn't trust her so easily if I were you. Sure, she's nice to Akio now, but she stopped talking to Riku after she found out what he said to Akio.
Eiji: Just so you understand, she completely ignores Riku now. She doesn't even look at him.
Eiji: She's acting like this with some other prisoners too now: she tries to avoid Yurika and she has also called Asahi out once for his behavior.
Miki: But I think that's understandable?..
Eiji: What I'm trying to say is.. It's kind of interesting, don't you think? Aimi already knew that all prisoners are murderers and she already knew that they are not good people and they obviously have flaws, but when it was the first trial, she still insisted that she likes them all and wants to be friends with them.
Eiji: But now, she doesn't try to become friends with any of them except Akio, who also can't really do anything without her help anymore.
Eiji: .. I feel like I'm starting to see a connection here.
Eiji: Anyway.
Eiji: Prisoner 003, Ishizu Shun.
Eiji: Sadly, he was voted innocent, so his ideas and thoughts were affirmed.
Eiji: Come on, I know you regret voting him innocent.
Miki: .. W-what else was I supposed to do?..
Miki: If we voted him guilty, who knows what he would do and how he would act!
Eiji: So you admit it? You admit that this guy is unpredictable?
Eiji: So you admit that this guy is dangerous?
Miki: .. Ishizu-san is just..
Miki: .. He's just very hard to understand..
Eiji: He sure is more confident now thanks to his thoughts being affirmed. It's not a good kind of confidence, it's a very annoying kind.
Eiji: Also, is it just me or he doesn't care about his ex anymore?
Eiji: I mean, he openly flirts with both Kei and Eiko now, even though when Eiko herself said that she's interested in him, he rejected her since he's "taken".
Eiji: He also rarely mentions being in love with his ex and now he doesn't even say stuff like "I did this for her! I just wanted her back! I just loved her so much I had to kill her new boyfriend for her sake!"
Miki: Maybe he just.. forgot about it?
Eiji: I doubt it. Though I can't say that him being in love with her was an act, this guy's video showed that he really did care about her in his own twisted way.
Eiji: Although..
Eiji: We haven't actually seen her face. We've only seen her new boyfriend's face and that's it.
Eiji: Maybe we should make him talk more about that guy this time.
Eiji: And also.. now that he's more confident, he refuses to take no for an answer.
Eiji: .. Especially when it comes to Kei.
Miki: ...
Miki: Eiji-san..
Miki: Are you worried about-
Eiji: I'm not.
Eiji: I just find it disgusting how he started to take more and more advantage of Kei now that the guy can barely move. I don't remember him being so "dominant" before Kei got punished.
Miki: .. So you are worried-
Eiji: I'M NOT!
Eiji: A-anyway, Shun and Eiko are much closer now since both of them were forgiven unlike Kei.
Eiji: .. And they sure like to remind Kei about them being "superior" to him all the time.
Eiji: .. I don't want to talk about him anymore.
Eiji: Prisoner 004, Chiba Naomi.
Eiji: She was forgiven and her ideas and thoughts were affirmed.
Eiji: I guess she's mostly fine, but still.. I feel like something is wrong here.
Miki: Why? Chiba-san is so nice and understanding and she always helps me out when I need advice..
Eiji: Just like Shun, she's much more confident now. And why would she start acting like that if she's truly sorry for her sins?
Eiji: She wanted us to vote her guilty, remember? I thought that she would ask us to rethink our decision, but no, she just accepted it and moved on.
Miki: W-well, maybe she just.. you know, started to see her crime differently? Like, maybe she doesn't think it was that bad anymore?
Eiji: If she's not lying, her victim really was a child. Do you think it's okay to just go "Oh, maybe me killing that kid actually wasn't a big deal"?
Miki: But what if she had her reasons-
Eiji: I don't care about her reasons. She's a child murderer and her victim most likely was one of her students. And now she thinks that her crime wasn't even that bad and doesn't try to make us change our mind.
Eiji: She says that she simply doesn't try to do it because "we're the guards, so we know what we're doing", but I know she's secretly happy that she got voted innocent.
Miki: .. Again, you're saying my decision was wrong?
Eiji: .. Um-
Eiji: I'm just saying that now we can see that Prisoner 004 actually wouldn't try to become a better person and she actually doesn't think that her crime was that serious. Voting her innocent helped us realize it, so..
Eiji: Maybe you were right in some way.
Eiji: Ah, and even though she's still acting like everyone's.. uh, mom, basically, her ideas were affirmed, so now she's more strict with the younger prisoners.
Eiji: If she sees someone misbehaving, she will tell them to stop it and if they don't, she might actually get angry at them.
Eiji: Though she's mostly nice to all prisoners who are still kids.. except one of them.
Miki: ...
Eiji: .. Yeah, I'm talking about Asahi.
Eiji: And even though I would gladly vote Naomi guilty this time, I support the way she treats Asahi.
Eiji: Yes, I know that he's most likely your brother, but you have to admit-
Miki: I-I will talk to him about it, okay? I will.
Miki: I'll prove his innocence to you, Eiji-san. I'll prove that he really deserves to be forgiven.
Eiji: The next prisoner is-
Eiji: .. Prisoner 005, Sanada Kei.
Eiji: He was voted guilty and his ideas and thoughts were rejected.
Miki: .. I still have no idea how you just.. can be so cruel to him without feeling anything.
Miki: He's your brother! If I had to vote Yano-san guilty-
Eiji: Are you telling me someone like him deserves forgiveness?..
Eiji: Guard 002, he's the one who turned my life into a living hell.
Eiji: He.. He always was weird. And I had to protect him from other kids and people in general because of that.
Eiji: .. I remember him thanking me for that once.
Eiji: But then something happened and.. He started beating me for no reason every single day after that.
Eiji: He actually almost killed me once, no, twice! Maybe even more times!
Eiji: He's literally the reason why my whole body hurts all the time, why don't you get it, Miki?! Who cares about him when my body will never truly heal and it's all his fault!
Miki: .. *sobs*
Miki: I'm sorry.. I really.. I didn't mean to..
Miki: It's just.. I'm used to trying to see the good in all people and..
Miki: I thought that maybe Kei-san still deserves forgiveness..
Eiji: *sighs* Listen, I can't deny that I kind of admire that trait of yours.
Eiji: But Kei doesn't deserve any of your forgiveness and kindness. Trust me.
Eiji: .. He refused to believe that all of this was real and that he really is going to be punished until I actually came and.. well, gave him what he deserves.
Miki: I still remember his cries and how loud he screamed from all that pain.
Miki: But that's.. weird. I thought Kei-san was a much more..
Eiji: Same. Remember him saying that he's not afraid of pain and that he can handle it all or something like that?
Eiji: .. It turned out to be another lie of his.
Eiji: He's so used to being the one who hurts people that he has no idea what to do when someone hurts him.
Eiji: "More pain means more love"? Sure, whatever you say, Kei. You agree with what our mother used to say only when you're the one who's inflicting all that pain.
Eiji: .. Something is bothering- um, I just find something very confusing though.
Miki: Really? What?
Eiji: For some reason, I noticed that Kei already had a lot of scars on his body even before his punishment.
Miki: Wait, what?? W-were they bad? Why didn't you tell me?
Eiji: If I did, you would never let me punish him.
Eiji: Even I got scared, but only a little bit.
Miki: .. Don't you feel at least a little worried for your brother?
Eiji: W-why should I care? Maybe someone just got "a bit too rough" with him or something, I don't want to think about it. It's none of my business.
Eiji: Anyway, Kei still hangs out with Shun and Eiko very often, but now it's not because he wants to. He can't even leave his cell without anyone's help because of how much pain he's in, haha..
Eiji: Ahem, so Shun and Eiko are the ones who drag him out of it and they just make him follow them around. Actually, I feel like now they spend even more time together compared to the first trial.
Eiji: But don't you even think that this guy is just a poor victim and we absolutely have to forgive him this time-
Miki: Should I remind you that he almost got beaten up because of Maruyama-san?
Eiji: I have no idea who I should believe, but she told us that he was acting creepy again and she wanted to defend herself.
Eiji: I don't trust her most of the time, but since it's Kei.. I can see him saying something and Yurika getting mad at him for that.
Eiji: If that was the case, I can't blame her.
Eiji: .. I still can't believe that he actually got saved by someone though.
Eiji: Prisoner 006, Yoshioka Eiko.
Eiji: She was voted innocent and her ideas and thoughts were affirmed.
Eiji: Well, she did thank us for forgiving her, but I'm sure she didn't actually care about her verdict. She's just not that kind of person.
Miki: She is.. very affectionate with you now because of you agreeing to vote her innocent.
Eiji: Yes, and I hate it.
Miki: "Do you though?.."
Eiji: However, I feel like she actually did change as a person.
Eiji: She openly admits that she likes Kei and Shun only because of their appearance, but still keeps them close because she likes the attention she gets from them.
Eiji: So it's like.. She said that she knows Kei will never "truly" love her and she also said that it would be easy to forgive her because of her looks, but now she agrees that she and Kei aren't actually that different.
Eiji: Also, even though she was one of those prisoners who refused to accept that all of this is a real thing, she has recently started asking me more questions about Milgram.
Eiji: Like, how it works, who created this place, why we were chosen as the guards, all of that..
Eiji: I have no idea why she's so curious about it now.
Miki: Maybe after the first trial was over, she started to realize that this isn't just a game and our verdicts really do have consequences?..
Eiji: Or maybe she just wants to spend more time with me.
Eiji: I don't get it though. I'm not that, uh.. "attractive" and I never give her any attention, so.. why me? Is it just her trying to make me forgive her again?
Eiji: .. No, she's not like most prisoners here.
Miki: But I think you're very pretty, Eiji-san!
Eiji: Um, thank you?..
Miki: Still not my type though.
Eiji: I wasn't even trying to.. never mind.
Eiji: Prisoner 007, Yano Asahi.
Eiji: He was voted innocent and his ideas and thoughts were affirmed.
Eiji: And, well, he reacted to it just like a spoiled kid his age would.
Eiji: He thought that it was going to happen anyway and now he's sure that no matter what he does, he will still be forgiven, because.. you know, he's a child.
Miki: But isn't he right-
Eiji: Well, that's not gonna happen.
Eiji: I never judge anyone only based on their age. No matter how young or how old they are, I will make sure they will get the verdict that they deserve.
Eiji: And because all of them are murderers, all of them deserve to be-
Miki: I know, you don't have to say that again.
Eiji: .. Huh?
Eiji: U-um, okay, let's talk about how he acts now.
Eiji: Prisoner 007 is much more confident now and I rarely see him cry or throw a tantrum, though he still likes to use his.. uh, "cuteness" to get what he wants.
Eiji: However, he's now surprisingly good at controlling his emotions. I have no idea what happened to him, but he's much more polite now and I almost never hear him swear anymore.
Eiji: Eh, he's probably just trying to manipulate us into voting him innocent again.
Miki: But what if he actually did change? What if he's trying to become a better person?
Eiji: I doubt it. He always has this.. weird smile on his face. Like I want to punch him whenever I see him smile like that.
Eiji: He keeps ordering other prisoners around too, again, he's just more polite about it now and it's harder to tell that he really is just using them.
Eiji: I should mention something about his personality and his relationship with other prisoners. Now that Akio is no longer as narcissistic as he used to be, Kei can't even leave his cell without anyone's help and.. we'll talk about Riku later, Asahi and Shun are basically the most "powerful" male prisoners now.
Eiji: However, Shun is still disliked by mostly everyone and they don't really like Asahi either, but it's hard to deny that this kid is much better at making everyone believe that he has "changed" and that he really is more nice now.
Eiji: It's like.. this kid has all the power now.
Eiji: "Andou siblings really rule this prison now, don't they?.."
Miki: W-well, I wouldn't say that.
Miki: True, he is much.. uh, "nicer" now and people are starting to like him a bit more, but he's still just as vulnerable.
Miki: Like.. For some reason I'm starting to feel like he wants more attention from me now? Like now he requests even more things, but he always asks me to get him something and not you.
Eiji: "I think it's because the prisoners don't like me that much in general."
Miki: But when you don't count all the food, toys, clothes and other things, he just.. wants to spend time with me. Like he actually wants to know more about me and he keeps asking me so many questions..
Miki: .. It's still hard for me to get used to him calling me "Miki-nee" though.
Miki: He doesn't even know that we're most likely related..
Miki: And speaking of him still being one of the most vulnerable prisoners, Kei-san wasn't the only prisoner Maruyama-san has attacked.
Miki: Yano-san was her victim as well.
Eiji: Again, it's kind of justified. Naomi said that she saw everything with her own eyes and I usually don't trust her, but I will do so this time.
Eiji: Basically, Asahi's been taking full advantage of Yurika's status as a guilty prisoner and her punishment and he eventually got tired of his "good boy" act and he spilled some really hot tea that she made for him on her. He claimed that it was an accident but both Naomi and Yurika could tell that it wasn't one.
Eiji: Yurika had enough and, well.. decided to take her anger out on him.
Eiji: I stopped her before she could actually injure him though. He only got a cut on his cheek from her nails and that's all.
Miki: Thank you, I appreciate it.
Eiji: .. I-It's not because he's your brother. I would do the same thing even if it wasn't Asahi. I can't let those prisoners fight each other like that.
Eiji: *laughs* Though of course they would try to do that. They are murderers after all.
Eiji: Speaking of Yurika..
Eiji: Prisoner 008, Maruyama Yurika.
Eiji: She was voted guilty and her ideas and thoughts were rejected.
Miki: I'm still finding it so hard to believe.. I mean, I thought she seemed like a nice person when I first met her..
Eiji: Is it just me or you voted her guilty only because of what she said about you that time?
Miki: .. I really do want to save everyone here.
Miki: And I will do anything to achieve my goal.
Miki: *gets up* Who does she think she is to go and say that I'm just doing this to make everyone trust me?!
Eiji: Okay, okay, calm down.
Eiji: Fine, let's not talk about it. You have your reasons to vote her guilty and I have mine.
Miki: .. Y-you're right. Sorry.. *sits down*
Eiji: Her punishment was a bit different from Akio and Kei's punishments. It wasn't a physical one, it was more about.. mental pain, I guess?
Eiji: Since her thoughts were rejected, she lost all the potential freedom she could get and now she's back to doing what she hates the most.
Eiji: She has to act as everyone's maid now.
Eiji: We don't have to bring anything to prisoners personally, we can just ask her or, you know, make her do that. She can also serve them food now.
Eiji: I know, that was very smart of me. Less work for us~
Eiji: .. I wish I could say that, but her temper is.. something.
Eiji: When I first told her about her punishment, she cried. Loudly. She cried like a little baby.
Eiji: And when I tried to make her stop, she almost punched me, but oh well, she obviously wasn't able to do that.
Eiji: And now, whenever she refuses to listen to my orders, I just remind her that I can make her punishment even worse and she listens to me.
Eiji: But now her relationship with the prisoners is much worse. People either see her only as their maid, they think she's scary or they even find her annoying.
Eiji: She's used to be close with all the female prisoners, but now Aimi is one of the prisoners who thinks she's too dangerous, Eiko just makes her do everything for her and even though Naomi actually tried to be nice to her at first, Yurika wasn't as nice. Her relationship with Reina is.. complicated now.
Eiji: Prisoner 009, Kuroki Riku.
Eiji: He was voted innocent and his ideas and thoughts were affirmed.
Eiji: .. I still have no idea how you could have forgiven someone like him.
Eiji: He obviously just wanted to make us feel bad for him.
Miki: Even if he did, he still was in pain and he needed help. If we voted him guilty, I think he would start acting even worse.
Miki: Just imagine what he would do if he found out that he was going to be punished!..
Eiji: But guess what? Now that his thoughts were affirmed, Akio almost killed himself because of him, Aimi left him and pretty much all prisoners don't want to do anything with him anymore.
Eiji: Because I remind you, this guy actually wanted his childhood friend to die.
Eiji: Let's go back to his fight with Akio. Again, I still have no idea what Akio said to him, but I do know what Riku told him and what made Akio.. do what he did.
Eiji: After Akio said something that made Riku angry, Riku, just like a normal boy his age, said this:
Eiji: "Go and die then."
Miki: ...
Eiji: .. We shouldn't find Akio's suicide attempt surprising after this considering his mental state and how much he liked Riku.
Eiji: So? Are you going to defend him this time too?
Miki: .. I will talk to him about it. Of course, he can't just say things like that, but I want to understand why he did it.
Eiji: Well, I'm sure he will appreciate you still trying to defend his actions, because I remind you that this happened while all other prisoners were watching.
Eiji: And yeah, Aimi stopped seeing Riku as her friend after this.
Miki: "She's a victim of bullying, of course she would leave him.."
Eiji: And all other prisoners kinda stopped talking to him after that. Their conversations are just really awkward now, especially because Riku still refuses to apologize for what he said and claims that it's all Akio's fault.
Eiji: He has no one to talk to anymore. Akio and Aimi are doing great without him, Shun is having way too much fun with Kei and Eiko, Naomi and Reina have no idea how to help him, Kei simply can't do anything for him right now, Eiko and Yurika don't care about what happens to him and Asahi says that he's "bad" so he doesn't want to spend time with him, though I'm sure he's doing it just to make him suffer.
Eiji: .. It's kinda interesting, actually. They know that every single prisoner here is a murderer, but they were mostly fine with that fact until now, when one of them has almost killed the other prisoner with his words.
Eiji: And.. he went back to his unhealthy coping mechanisms because of all of this.
Eiji: He's okay with doing literally anything to make people look at him, including hurting himself in different ways.
Eiji: I literally can't even leave him alone with a fork and a knife anymore and I have to watch him while he eats.
Miki: .. Again, I will talk to him about it.
Miki: I want to save everyone in this prison. Especially Yan-
Miki: .. I mean, my brother and Riku.
Eiji: And finally, the last one.
Eiji: Prisoner 010, Himura Reina.
Eiji: She was voted innocent and her ideas and thoughts were affirmed.
Eiji: Honestly, I think she's one of those prisoners who have changed the most.
Eiji: She's like a completely different person now.
Eiji: She's no longer pretending to be someone she's not. She almost never mentions the whole "I'm actually the most dangerous murderer in this prison" thing anymore.
Eiji: She's also very.. calm now. To the point of showing almost no emotions.
Eiji: She doesn't make dumb jokes anymore, she doesn't say things like "Oh, I actually have more than 50 victims", she isn't that loud anymore.
Eiji: .. And she also was the one who protected Kei from being attacked by Yurika.
Eiji: If that doesn't prove that she has changed, I don't know what will.
Miki: .. What if she actually always was capable of that? What if she always could protect someone like that and we just didn't know?
Eiji: Well, I can't say anything about that.
Eiji: She and Kei are actually surprisingly close now. She's the only person here who isn't afraid of him and doesn't take advantage of his condition.
Eiji: I was shocked at first, but now that I think about it..
Eiji: It makes sense. Their personalities are actually very similar.
Miki: So that's why she's been asking me to take care of him so often lately..
Eiji: .. What surprises me the most is that Kei never flirts with her or tries to impress her. I guess it has an obvious explanation, but if we trust Yurika's words, he's still more than capable of being annoying in that way.
Miki: Well, maybe he just sees her as a friend? Isn't that nice?
Eiji: Don't say that. I can't imagine this guy having friends that actually like him.
Eiji: She isn't that close with Yurika anymore and when I asked her about it, she sounded like she was.. disappointed in her? I guess she wasn't prepared to see the real Yurika.
Eiji: .. That's all I have to say.
Eiji: *sighs*
Miki: So.. Do you still want to vote all of them guilty?
Eiji: Why are you even asking me that? Of course I do. Actually, I want to punish them even more now that I've seen what kind of people they become after being forgiven.
Miki: But isn't it natural to start acting more calm or confident after being forgiven?
Miki: Just like you said, their ideas and thoughts were affirmed. Of course, they think that they were the ones in the right now.
Eiji: .. I wanted to talk to you about something.
Eiji: You don't have to think too hard to notice that all, or at least, most prisoners like you much more than me.
Eiji: Most of those who were voted innocent are thankful to you for saving them and they're hoping to be forgiven this time again.
Eiji: And those who were voted guilty are this close to begging you to save them from me and forgive them.
Eiji: It's like..
Eiji: It's like you're a goddess of this place, haha..
Miki: .. Hehe, come on, I-I'm just doing my job..
Eiji: Don't try to forgive all of them this time though. Be more careful. They're obviously going to try and take advantage of your kindness.
Eiji: Now, let's go and interrogate-
Eiji: !
*sounds of Eiji falling on the floor*
Miki: Eiji-san!
Miki: A-are you okay?!
Miki: Are you hurt? What happened?
Eiji: .. W-why..
Eiji: Why is everything so.. blurry now?
Miki: Please, tell me if you're not feeling okay! We can just interrogate everyone tomorrow-
*sounds of Eiji trying to get up*
Eiji: I'm fine. I'm fine, I can do this.
Eiji: H-huh?..
Eiji: "Why am I feeling so weak?.."
Miki: Eiji-san, your body is shaking. A-are you feeling any pain? Maybe discomfort?..
Eiji: I told you I'm fine! Let's just go and begin the second trial already-
Eiji: Ah-
Eiji: .. T-thank you.
Miki: If it wasn't for me, you would fall again!
Miki:*sobs* Eiji-san.. Please, just tell me what's going on..
Miki: I just want to help you!
Eiji: Guard 002, let me go.
Miki: I can't do that when you look like you're about to-
Eiji: JUST LET ME DO MY JOB, MIKI!
Eiji: WHY CAN'T I HAVE AT LEAST ONE THING I ACTUALLY ENJOY DOING? WHY DO YOU ALWAYS HAVE TO RUIN EVERYTHING?
Eiji: I'M BASICALLY NO ONE BECAUSE OF YOU NOW, WHY DON'T YOU GET IT?!
Eiji: ...
Miki: .. Eiji-san? Eiji-san, can you hear me?
Miki: "I should let him have some rest.."
Miki: "What did he mean by me ruining everything though? Was he talking about everyone's verdicts?"
Miki: "I doubt that he's jealous of me being more respected by the prisoners or something like that.."
Miki: ".. I'm a goddess of this place.. What did he mean by that?"
Miki: "It doesn't sound bad though, hehe.."
Miki: "Trust me, Eiji-san, I will save everyone in this prison. I will forgive them for all their sins and I will guide them."
Miki: "I will save everyone, Eiji-san.."
Miki: ".. Including you."
***
???: Hm?
???: What is going on with that screen?..
???: Ah, it's you!.. Sorry, I forgot your name again.
Jackalope: .. Maybe we should have chosen someone else.
???: *laughs* You're right, you're right.
???: No, seriously, I still don't understand why I was chosen. I mean..
???: Look at me. Why would you make someone like me the guard of this prison?
Jackalope: You're asking way too many questions for someone like you. By the way, I left your guard uniform at the door. You can go and get it, I'll open the door just this once.
???: Really? Okay..
*sounds of slow footsteps*
[ ??? opens the door ]
???: Wow!..
???: .. I-it doesn't look that comfortable.
[ ??? closes the door ]
???: And why would I even wear it? Didn't you say that I'm not allowed to leave this room?
Jackalope: True, but now you'll actually be able to participate in the trials.
Jackalope: As always, you'll be able to see everything from here. You don't even have to leave.
???: .. Does that mean I can participate in the voting process too now?
Jackalope: Absolutely! You can even say hi to the other guards if you want.
Jackalope: That girl is very cute, by the way, so I doubt that you'd want to lose your chance-
Jackalope: Wait, or are you-
???: Hmm, I think it will be too hard for them to accept the fact that there's a third guard hiding somewhere.
???: .. I think I have an idea. You already did that thing to the first guard, right?
???: I think I know how I can interrogate the prisoners without letting the other guards know anything.
Jackalope: You remember that you still have to vote though, right?
???: I do, I do. Don't worry, I won't disappoint you~
???: *yawns* Sorry, looks like I've spent all my energy for today.
???: Hehe, I wish I had a stuffed animal that looked like you-
Jackalope: Don't even think about it. Cuddling with a guy? No thank you.
???: Calm down.. You know I can't even be in the same room as you anyway.
???: But before I go to sleep, can you answer my question already?
???: Why was I chosen?
???: I mean, I can't even participate in this trial properly. I just spend all my time in this room.
???: I'm also not that interested in "saving" or "punishing" those prisoners..
Jackalope: .. Well, let's just say that all guards have their reasons to be here.
Jackalope: That guy wants to see his brother in pain and he wants to get his revenge on him. The girl is harder to figure out, but I'm sure she has her goal too.
Jackalope: You also have a reason to be here. Why don't you think about it yourself?
???: Hm...
???: Maybe you're right.
???: Either way, I don't think I'll lose much if I participate in this thing.
???: I have nothing to lose anyway.
#i can't wait to see the results of their t2 polls like it was so hard to figure out their canon verdicts too#you can tell me who you're planning to vote innocent/guilty rn if you want! :D#every day i remember that eiji is an obvious victim of abuse who still has so much anger inside and doesn't know what to do with it#so he just immediately jumps to violence and saying that it was everyone else's fault and not his. and then i cry#like at the same time yeah eiji MAYBE YOU SHOULDN'T SAY THAT AKIO DESERVED HIS PUNISHMENT but also. idk it just feels realistic#also something about yurika attacking some of the weakest prisoners here just.. says so much about her#like sure she's unhinged! she's a little insane! but she's also too scared to attack people who can actually fight back#so yeah she'll just go for the guy who can barely walk and a child. akio really got lucky this time#and remember when i said that riku's t2 version probably won't be that bad. i-i was wrong#also say hi to the third guard :) actually you can send asks to him/interact with him if you want!#he can't leave his room but he can still talk to others just not in person#(also i am not tagging all of them.)#🎤 voice dramas! 🎤#milgram#milgram oc#milgram project#ocgram
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"people love you uwu people care about you" okay? not my problem. love me less. can we work out a reasonable level of care where it's obviously not cool if horrible things happen to me, a human being, and you won't do any horrible thing to me, but you don't feel obligated to fuss over anything out of the ordinary i do and i have to shut up about it and perform Normal Human Emotions lest i commit an awful social faux pas and hurt your feelings?
#like idk. can you care about stuff that matters? i guess is what i'm asking?#sorry that my own self-directed problems hurt you <3#sorry that i'm a horrible person if i talk about it and a horrible person if i don't <3#i just shouldn't have problems i guess cant believe i didnt think abt that#sorry i don't really care if people would be sad to see me die#would actually be pretty nice to get past the huge feeling of guilt over not being helpful all the fucking time#like i can't go through life being a service dog for everybody around me#(and i dont to be clear. it's not possible and when i say i feel guilty over not doing it it doesn't mean i do 100% of the time)#(i do try to be helpful and useful and i hate missing an opportunity but also i don't have 24/7 free of obligations)#(and i can't magically spot and correctly understand what could need help)#(but i feel like it does take up a good portion of my life. mostly bc everybody around me has Problems rn)#(and because the overlap of ''things that feel good for me'' and ''things that are good for other people'' is pretty small so far)#it's just. yknow. i would like it if for once i could express a negative feeling without it being a huge offense to people around me#ejhrkthrjeh i know i'm just asking the universe if pretty please my actions could have zero consequences and it's overall unrealistic#but like. god. i wish for once it was met with indifference. casual vibes. not a huge deal yknow.#some of my friends do sometimes! it's nice! but of course i can't talk abt the problems that directly include them#i know it makes me so shit at reacting to ppls problems. like either i overcompensate with the worry cuz i feel like thats what they want#or i react coldly and dont provide anything useful to the situation#broadcasting my misery#vent
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so sick and twisted that i spent so much time looking after other people that asking for help is now an unforgivable sin to me. like no i wont make anyone else Help me bc all i am is someone to Help others so i shouldn't need help or do anything to make anyone else feel like that and whats worse is like 5 years ago my friend predicted this shit like I've been feeling guilty about getting basic help for over 5 years and it just gets worse
#best thing I've ever done was stop doing counselling as a degree bc if i continued id have slowly killed myself#to me if im upset its manipulation. bc ppl are nice and will want to make sure im okay but if they didnt know i was upset they wouldn't#feel like that so i shouldn't let them know I'm upset to make sure they feel okay bc if they're worrying abt me they're worrying#and other ppl worrying is worse than me worrying and then I'm in my room alone crying for no reason and i can't ask for help#god i just sobbed for a good 15 mins#idk this is just another vent post in a sea of vent posts im just anither guy going thru shit#but ive been going thru the same shit for 7 years now & i don't think im getting over it any time soon#i feel bad bc i want someone to care#i really want someone to care and people will but if i tell them they'll worry and i can't make people worry
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I know I'm spending too much time on Tumblr cause y'all just call me Harlenn
I just got caught off guard when someone who I know keeps calling my by my dead name did exactly that.
I'm so used to hearing the name I want to that I got blindsided and also it's making me re-evaluate my friend choices...
#like I get that its a little harder to get used to calling someone you've known for 7+ years by a new name#(as opposed to people who've known me for all of a month lolol)#but good friends at least make an effort....#or I feel like they should#how many times have I told them now that Im enby? i have a choker with the trans and enby flags on it and they keep commenting on that#they keep asking about the bigender pin on my backpack#so I feel like AT THE BARE MINIMUM using they/them for me shouldn't be that difficult#hell call me an “it” like my brother probably would if he weren't so insistant that I am a “she”#just something other than the constant deadnaming and entirely incorrect pronouns#idle speaks#queenie rambles#(if you're curious as to why I have trans enby and bigender things its bc I have no clue what the gender is half the time)#i usually tell people Im nonbinary because its a general term and easier to explain/more accepted than being bigender#i could probably get away with saying Im genderfluid but it just doesn't really feel right to me#it works if Im talking about the whole system#but not to much for me on my own#and then there's that constant question of “am I just trans and haven't figured it out yet?”#but that's pretty quickly followed by “no but sometimes I like being a girl so that can't be it”#idk#gender is weird#confusion
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