#but you know. its hard to think straight and respect myself sometimes

[my-castles-crumbling]

Anon Advice Asks - May 11

Reg kin anon, pg anon, th anon (new), mirrorball anon (new), bio anon (new), sentiment anon (new)

Reg kin anon

hi cas, reg kin anon here ♡

i realised i didnt mention any update about the guy i thought i liked at the start of the year/end of last year, oops 😂 well, it turned out uhhhhhhh

we had a conversation in... january, i think? maybe february, about how we felt. he said he wasnt ready for a relationship yet (honestly fair, he had a rough breakup when i first met him last year) but that if i was willing to wait a few months then he'd reevaluate (looking back, RED FLAG) which i was fine with, bc relationships scare me too ahaha

and then not even a month later he was flirting harder?? he took me on a date which was really nice tbh and we watched a couple films and he started watching my favourite childhood tv show w me and it was really very nice

and then only AFTER like a month or two of a sort of situationship(? idk if thats the right word, bc i realise thats usually used for more sexual relationships, but i aint into that, it was just kissing/cuddling/staying in for dates) he was still telling people he was VERY STRAIGHT. to remind, i am genderqueer/fluid and OUT TO PPL AT UNI. sooooo yeah he saw me as a girl just because im afab and present somewhat fem like 60% of the time.

so. love that for me 🫠 its now NOT happening, bc im not about to shove myself back into the closet for a guy. he was also giving me the ick for a while in between starting to "date" and then for no reason i could figure out and the feelings have vanished 🎉

on a better note! i opened up to some of my friends about my mother, finally. it genuinely felt so good and freeing to talk about it openly and not feel judged. especially bc i actually had a proper breakdown and sobbing session and they were so, so kind about it all. its so crazy to me to imagine having friends like that because i had literally noone before uni aside from one "friend" (it was more of a 'people hate you, people hate me, lets not hate each other' sort of bond) but now im realising i actually genuinely do have people who care about me and love me and want to support me, and more importantly theyre people who i care about and love and trust too, which i also thought id never find

soooo yay! little reg kin is growin up and finding their place in the world ♡♡

Hi!

Ew yeah that guy sounds like a red flag. Nobody is worth going back into the closet for. You deserve someone who respects your identity <3

But that's so amazing that you have some supportive friends! I know you've been struggling so much with things with your mom, and I'm so glad you have people to talk to about it. It's been wonderful to hear about you grow over this year, and to hear about how you've been able to develop your own support system. You truly deserve it <3

___

PG anon

Ask 1:

For glasses- what about the dollar store or something? Is that a thing near you?

For the fainting...um yeah I'd be concerned. I know it's hard but I'd continue pushing it. Fainting isn't normal...

For C- I'm glad adults know. You shouldn't have to deal with that alone.

How did the GSCEs go? Remember, you deserve recognition and love, whether you're getting it or not <3

And OMG how was prom?

Ask 2:

Exams- I'm glad things seem to be going well! I believe in you, and I know the self-doubt sucks, but I kno you'll do amazing <3

Friends- That's so frustrating because like you said, it's understandable, and there's not much you can do. Have you tried asking your friends to 'body double' over the phone? I do that with friends sometimes, where we're on the phone, but we don't talk and we're both doing whatever we need to do- studying, writing, doing chores, etc. It gives the feeling of not being alone, but you're still being responsible. Maybe that could be a good compromise?

Cancer- <3 <3 <3

Coming out- Remember that you don't owe anyone that information. Do it on your own time, when you're ready. It's okay to take your time! Don't pressure yourself <3

Your past- I think if your past isn't affecting your relationship with your bf now, then you shouldn't pressure yourself to tell them that until you're ready. It's okay to take your time opening up to someone. Your bf cares about you for you as you are NOW <3

Sending you so much love <3

___

th anon

Hii I don't usually do anons but I just wanted to ask you for help on something.

Basically I "broke up" with my best friend 6 months ago (I'll call her TH) and it's not like we were friends for a long time, but it was 3 years of my life.

But anyways when we stopped talking, I don't know, I felt... hurt but more than that, though. Because I vividly recall how heartbroken I felt when I realised she was purposely ignoring me (it was the week before Christmas break back in november and we were sitting next to each other TH was obviously ignoring me bc all she did was stare at the computer. Doing nothing, mind you. I tried to start a conversation but i had a feeling she wasn't in the mood. Then when the bell rang she got up and left the room not even sparing me glance.) I hate to admit it literally made me spiral to the point I cried after school for like 2 weeks straight 😭 oh my god, I feel embarrassed just typing that. But seriously even my brother left me alone when he saw how upset I was.

And even after that I cried on and off. I've written pages of poetry about this (which is the curse of having the ability to write and feel clearly) but I still can't seem to move on especially because we're in the same friend group. I have to see her every. Single. Day.

I hate how awkward it is between us because I really cared for her. I loved her so much omg but now she doesn't even look at me. And one thing about me is that I hate to be ignored it's probably one of the only ways to convince me to let go of someone even if i love them. Like I was sooo close to her but the moment she started ignoring I left it alone. I slightly regret it now though because what if I had just plucked up the courage to fight for our friendship and confronted her? (Although I did ask her if there was smth wrong after the Christmas break which was probably too late to ask that but God I was such a coward.)

I know it's too late to fix it. But I guess I just want reassurance that I didn't make one of the biggest mistakes of my life because I was too focused on winning an invisible competition of who cares the least.

I'm so sorry if this puts any pressure on you that's not what I intend I'm kinda just typing whatever I'm feeling rn. Ahhhajajzj this is making me realise I'm so not over it. Shit. 😭

(worst part about this is that I can't tell if this is romantic or platonic heartbreak)

Anyway I hope this made sense!

Side note: I just started your fic that has trans!regulus and I love your writing sm <33

Hi!

Honestly from this, it sounds like SHE did you dirty here. Like she just ignored you with no explanation? That's shit. You deserve a reason as to why she decided to drop you all of a sudden. If it was me, I'd be pissed.

I think if this every happens to you again, the only thing you could do different is ask for an explanation. But she definitely is the one in the wrong and you absolutely have a right to be upset about this.

___

mirrorball anon

I’m sad Cas ):

I lost two people I would’ve considered my best friends 3 months ago

in the span of a month

and it’s because they did shitty things, they really did

but I feel guilty and paranoid and like it’s my fault or I caused it and did something wrong

it’s just a really shitty time

-🪩

Hi! I already have an evermore anon so I hope this name is okay!

People doing shitty things to you isn't your fault, and you did nothing wrong. You deserve SO much better, and I really hope you get friends who show you that. I'm sending you so much love <3

___

bio anon

just had to take my pronouns out of my bio on instagram because of my new job (i’m scared of someone seeing because i’m not in a very queer safe environment at work) and i tried putting in more “normal ones” but it sat so uneasy with me i just couldn’t. it felt like such a lie.

please tell me this isn’t weird

Hi <3

This isn't weird at all, but it's not fair to you either. I definitely think you should do what makes you feel safe, but I'm so sorry you're in a situation where you even have to think about this. You deserve to be open about your identity and feel safe about doing so. I hope that happens for you someday <3

___

sentiment anon

My dad keeps making comments about me... (Redacted)

Hi <3 This is COMPLETELY inappropriate. Do you have a trusted adult you can tell about this? Like...I can't even stress how inappropriate this is, and you shouldn't have to deal with it. Please lmk if you're able to tell an adult!

[nocturnal-nexu]

OK y'all, so Mace Windu.

I'm re-watching "The Zilo Beast" and I'm finding myself respecting him more and more.

I feel like Mace gets a bad rap sometimes. I think some people think he was a bit too hard on Anakin, contributing to his fall, and aren't much for his serious disposition.

And while I, too, am not usually drawn to serious characters, his characterization in this episode was a treat to watch.

The Dugs and the Chancellor just straight up want to kill the Zilo, even knowing it's the last of its species, and Mace is here going, "So yall just okay with rendering these creatures extinct? What the heck guys!?"

He stands up for what he believes is morally right, even at the risk of losing a treaty with the Dugs. He believes that killing off an entire species for the "greater good" of signing a treaty and acquiring fuel for their ships is not a fair trade, nor something a Jedi would condone. And he makes known his position on the matter, even when both sides of the treaty agree that it would be in their best interest to kill the beast.

In the end, even if you don't stand by the Jedi council in everything they do, I believe that the Jedi themselves are supposed to value all life in the highest regard. (A view that the war has definitely skewed for some of the younger padawans.)

Basically, Mace stood up for what he believed in, and I respect the heck out of him for it.

[tirfpikachu]

as someone who has a complete distrust of anyone who labels themselves as radfems since they seem to be (at least a loud minority on every platform) straight up right-wing and racist, thank you for reminding me that some of yall are sane and normal. i don't consider myself a radical feminist by any means and i still dont want to touch the radfem community w a 10ft pole (im a transmasc lesbian of colour... i just cant trust it) but its cool to know theres some people who are normal over there. rock on

THAT MEANS THE WORLD TO MEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!! I RARELY GET SUPPORT FROM YOUR SIDE OF THE TUNGLR BORDER SO I TRULY REALLY APPRECIATE IT 🙏 this made me smile so much!

i really am trying very hard to build my lil corner of radblr and encourage nuance, as well as fighting bigotry and tradwife type shit within radfem spaces! i'm trying to make people realize that all marginalized folks can learn to be better allies to one another, while still acknowledging afab/female-specific oppression & celebrating all kinds of gayness, including exclusive same-sex (agab) attraction; aka what's traditionally been called homosexuality. i want to welcome everyone who directly faces or has faced misogyny irl into complex feminist discussions in good faith without aggression, without slurs or unnecessary personal attacks. i want radfem/nuancefem talks to involve terms like male/female as purely sex-based terms like amab/afab, and for trans men to not be any less of a man in society just bc they're female, and ofc for trans women to be as much my sisters as any cis/bio woman so long as they still recognize their male/amab upbringing, and show equal respect to me & my specific struggles as a female person. i have had incredible talks with all kinds of folks in my server! from transmasc radfems to the most wonderful transfem allies, and some folks who add intersex/DSD nuance to our conversations. i don't believe in misgendering, slurs, or anything of the sort to do anything other than harm ppl who struggle with a very debilitating disorder, dysphoria, one that i struggled with for years and years. that's not the way to help anyone! we do still need more open talks about detransition, and plans on how to prevent even more detransitioners, since there really is a higher number of detrans cases than ever before. people who now, like me, struggle with reverse dysphoria and often need expensive procedures. i also want us to talk about transfem experiences, and just gnc male experiences in general, not just to offer support but also learn more about the intricacies of the patriarchy which is essential for my specific brand of radical feminism. i've nicknamed it as tirfism, or me being a nuancefem - a feminist who is against the way mainstream feminism & qweer activism is currently handling female-specific and homosexual issues, and aims to foster nuance on complex topics!

there are more of us than you'd ever imagine, and we're finally managing to find eachother. i highly recommend reading through @pokegyns for more nuanced takes from my lovely server friends. i believe trans voices are essential to nuancefeminism and tirfism, and i'm very blessed to have lovely transmasc & transfem mods on my server. they provide fascinating insights that we really need right now. it's also very comforting to know that there are nuanced trans people in the modern world... sometimes it feels like the lgbt community is completely close-minded to discussions of female-specific oppression and homosexuality. but that actually isn't the case! i think there's a lot of discomfort going around feminist & lgbtq communities, and it's reaching the boiling point. so long as people like you anon are out there willing to research and learn more about non-transphobic, anti-conservative radical feminism and dispell myths about us, i know we will be alright in the end and a bridge between all the marginalized communities is still possible in the near future if we keep working on it. thank you so much for reaching out!!

[hannahssimblr]

Chapter Ten (Part 2)

I smile and shake my head, because I’m sure that I won’t be. Jude shuffles on the bed to readjust himself, and when he settles, his leg is resting against mine. It’s warm, mine feels cold. I notice it and wait for him to move but he doesn’t, so I just let our skin touch, and I get a shiver from my toes to the top of my head.

“When you go to Berlin,” I start. “Will you know anybody else there?”

He shakes his head. “No, I’m going on my own, which I’m kind of excited about.”

“Scared though?”

“Yeah, a little bit I suppose. More excited.”

“I think I’d be scared to leave and be away from everybody I know.”

“Yeah, I get that, but I wasn’t really thinking that way when I applied for university there, it was honestly more about the experience I’d have and what I’d learn from doing my degree there.” He shrugs “Plus when I applied I didn’t actually think I’d be going on my own.” 

“No?”

“My girlfriend at the time and I applied together, actually, but she didn’t get in. It was brutal, we got our letters on the same day. Art schools work like that sometimes, they send their offers out earlier than other courses because your Leaving Cert points aren’t important. I got accepted and she didn’t, so it was a bad day.”

“So you decided to go alone anyway?”

“Yeah it felt like the best choice for me, I just didn’t see myself being in Ireland anymore, I don’t want to waste my early twenties in this horrible recession, and I don’t want to graduate into it with no job prospects. I just need to get away from it.”

“and your girlfriend?”

“We broke up. We called it quits before our exams. I didn’t want to put her through the long distance thing, like, honestly I didn’t want to put myself through it, because I knew I couldn't handle that. I really just… I don't want any attachments when I go, like, no responsibilities towards anybody else. Having a relationship while trying to navigate the changes that are ahead of me,” He shakes his head. “It would be too hard.”

“Wow. How long were you together?”

“Almost a year.”

That seems like forever to me. Nobody I know has been in a relationship for that long. “It must have been a hard decision.”

“It was, she’s a great person.”

“Well you can always get back together at some point in the future, you know, like maybe someday when you graduate…” I don’t continue because he’s already shaking his head no. 

“I don’t think so – It’s just over, I can’t really see us picking up where we left off, like, nothing to do with her or the relationship per se. It’s just that I feel like I can’t ever go backwards, once it’s done, it’s done for me. I just don’t really hang on to other people in that way.”

I think about how I do. I’m a clinger and I always have been, so his philosophy on life is totally foreign to me, just like the idea of jetting off to some unknown city all on my own without speaking the language or knowing how a single thing in its society operates. I think that he’s much braver than I am for doing it, but I’m a little sad that he’s going. Maybe in a parallel universe he and I would have attended the same art college and been friends who hung around in Dublin together after our respective classes, sitting outside coffee shops in the city and talking about art and sculpture and our silly assignments, but none of that will happen. In a few weeks he’ll be gone forever and I will likely never get to see him again. 

I look down at our legs and move mine away from his. Perhaps it’s not a good idea for us to be touching after all. 

“You look a little sleepy.” He says to me gently, and I am. I’m more than sleepy. It’s so late now that I must be awake for almost forty hours straight, running purely on the last shreds of adrenaline from being with him, but as soon as he mentions sleep my eyelids feel so heavy, and even the hard, flat wall that my back rests against feels cosy. I’m certain I could doze off in this exact position. I admit it, “I am.”

“Then sleep. I’ll leave.”

“Okay.”

He makes a tiny movement towards me and then hesitates and begins to get up. “Okay Evie, I’ll see you again soon.” 

I reach out my weary arms for a hug goodbye and when he leans in to embrace me my face grazes his neck, and he’s warm and his arms are strong and I wonder what the consequences would be if I let myself fall asleep on him right there and then. Maybe he’d be forced to stay here with me all night.

“I’ll text you when I’m free to hang out again.” He says, letting me go.

“Mm”

I lay down to sleep on the bed. The blankets are so warm from where he was sitting. 

Before my eyes drift closed and I surrender to my exhaustion I glimpse him climbing nimbly out the window and hopping down onto the grass outside, disappearing into the darkness and leaving the gauzy curtains fluttering behind him. It’s like he was never even here. 

Prev // Next

[toxooz]

is Ollie the type to get jealous? like Kari is so fucking cute and friendly and sweet I find it hard to believe at least one person hasn't approached her in a flirty way not knowing about the giant demon orc toes they'd be stepping on 😭

I TINK I ANSWERED THIS B4 i quote:

"naah i dont think so he's mega chill when it comes to jealousy mainly bc he knows Kari is just hyper friendly to everyone that's just how she is but also i think she made it pretty clear to him that he has Literally no competition at all lmfaooo😭 so she'll be nice as hell to other dudes but if she realizes there's Intentions behind their friendlyness then she'll kinda try to distance herself from them or she'll have to flat out tell them bc she tends to hope that 'maybe if i distance myself they'll stop :''''3c' bUT if they're just fukkin creeps that think 'no' means 'convince me' then she'll 100% bring it up to Ollie or he'll just notice her body language and Give Them A Clear Ass Clue that gets their tail between their legs real damn quick lmfao im sure they have lil subtle communication signs they give each other from across the skatepark that mean ''this friend!! :3'' or ''this guy is making me feel gross pls intervene'' so yeah otherwise Ollie couldn't care less abt wHOS thAT gUY >:(((( he trusts her and she's still getting Ponti lessons about necessary aggressiveness and 'its ok if somebody hates you fuck them!!!!be mean as hell!!!! bite their head off!!!'😭"

so basically he gives her room to be nice but he Handles just straight up freaks and degenerates accordingly, but typically once anyone With Intentions finds out Kari's relation to Ollie they get super awkward n respectful so his ass gotta be out here lookin like ryuk sometimes pffft

[system-of-a-feather]

How do you know when you've finally achieved a "remissed" state? I keep wondering if my system has finally settled in a state of "functional multiplicity" but I'm hesitant to use that because I know I still have a lot of trauma processing to do and unknown alters who show up every now and then. But it's no longer necessarily distressing, I know how to handle flashbacks and how to help these new alters and my life has otherwise stabilized a lot.

I feel there isn't really a hard definition for this. I was going to say "final fusion is a lot more clear cut" but honestly? As a person who has also finally fused and has honestly been sitting in that for like two weeks more or less straight, even that can be pretty "hard to notice".

And I know - cause I was there - that from the perspective of someone Not There and/or hasnt realized they are there yet that it sounds very anti-intuitive or wrong, because "How would I NOT notice everything fusing into one identity? Wouldnt that be obvious that I'm NOT me?"

But no, its not really obvious, at least not in my experience. In my experience, by the point you start to get closer to final fusion / functional multiplicity the amount of which DID-symptoms (primarily alters, switching, and amnesia) call for much attention or care to be cognoscente of becomes really small and rather nonconsequential. It becomes a lot easier to just exist among your parts and casually let whoever wants to front whenever without too much internal communication or checks and balances or really any cognitive effort.

By the point when switching and amnesia is so not-distressing and minimally invasive, its very easy to fluidly switch between parts and the trust within each part is so large that you really don't have to ask them or communicate as explicitly to make sure they are on the same page as you and will do the best to respect you and your needs as a part.

By that point, trying to keep track of who is fronting and switching and everything - while definitely possible and something we do a lot, particularly when we are not 'roosting in Fei' - can sometimes become a bit of a hassle (not always, sometimes its fun as well when we are just chatting with eachother) and by that point its kind of like... trying to keep track of who is in the lobby of a massive hotel. It can be a bit exhausting, so even when not in Final Fusion, you just kinda stop caring and just go about your life trusting that whoever is out there is probably having a good time and that you don't really mind Not Being there.

Or hell, maybe theyre out there and you wanna be out there with them and chill thats awesome, but again - it doesn't really matter and that internal vigilance over identity and self just is so so so so tiny

And I guess now that I'm writing it, I think that - in my opinion - is the best tell that you are probably at functional multiplicity; is that if genuinely that internal vigilance among yourself, parts you know, parts you know you don't know, possession of the body, switching, etc is really just so so so nonconsequential and such an afterthought to your existence, I think that is probably the best indicator of really any remissed state.

In my opinion the key difference between Final Fusion and Functional Multiplicity is just a matter of how much you engage with yourself as seperate parts versus as a very relaxed and constantly flowing beach.

For me, Functional Multiplicity - at the point of healing that I am now - takes a little bit of mental energy (not a lot, its largely negligible most of the time and we tend to prefer to be closer to the functional multiplicity end a lot of the time) to be that aware of what part is out and if I should get a different part out or if I think someone else would enjoy the moment better. That said, the small amount of mental energy put into that often gives me a lot more insight into myself as I can talk and engage and enjoy life with my better halves / quarters / thirty-ths / etc. It also opens up for more specialized enjoyment of activities, perspectives in life, and engagement in skills. Being at Functional Multiplicity allows me to control and specialize what part of me is presenting at what point in time and live in the moment as my best self for the moment.

On the other hand, Final Fusion is so serene and existing in it is like the coming and going of waves on a beach. Every so often you go "hey thats XIV" or "lol hey thats Riku" or "lol yep theres Chunn" and sometimes those waves are basically just that part fronting, but everything is so damn connected that even if you know that line came SPECIFICALLY from that specific part, hell even if that whole activity was primarily from that specific part, everything is SO damn connected that its still >you< it is still the Beach, that was just a fucking GNARLY wave of XIV or Riku or Chunn or etc

Thus why even though we've been sitting in Fei for like two or so weeks now, you can often see a second tag with it. If a wave is predominant, we will tag it, but *shrugs* it don't matter cause in the end its our overall whole that is here the most.

Final Fusion also has its amazing perks like actually Not having to Discuss much at All. Which as much as I LOVE talking to my parts explicitly and having banter and all, sometimes when life is stressful or I'm over worked or burnt out or what not, sometimes I really would just rather have some simplicity in life and just be able to know and speak for myself without having to go through a counsel.

But back to the point of the question, I think the best way to tell is to just generally reference how much internal vigilance you have over yourself, your system, your concept of identity and self, and see where you fall on that.

An alternative perspective to that same measure is just really, how much do you deeply and internally trust yourself (as a whole) on an emotional level to do the best for yourself and to absolutely never intentionally neglect yourself? How much blind faith - no if ands or buts - do you have in yourself? Do you feel there is any possible part that you don't know of that could in there that you couldn't handle or that would cause you really any notable amount of distress? Does thinking about parts that you don't know stress you out? Do you think there is a world where - for any meaningful or substantiated period of time - any part of you would ever intentionally put themselves wholely before another part?

Are you your first and foremost ally all the way through in and out? Do you feel decently comfortable answering these questions for the system and do you feel decently confident that - even without explicitly asking them - that you can advocate for all parts on these questions?

This isn't to say that if you DON'T check all these off that you AREN'T at a remissed state or anything, because honestly, I didn't realize or even get some of these checked off until AFTER my therapist pointed it out to me and I sat and thought about it. But its some nice food for thought and questions to think about and talk about among yourself because those topics have honestly created some of the most healing and solidification after realizing we were "kinda at functional multiplicity" that had really helped unify us even further than before. (below the cut is more directed towards the ""anon"" themselves)

[**Disclaimer at the end regarding parts underneath this mark**]

Most importantly though, I believe strongly in the principle of self determination (<- this is not a clinical or official thing in literature, its a term and topic I use within my therapy, internal interactions, and what not that is based on my own personal opinion / view of DID; this is not scientific and entirely peer / experience based) - at least in late stage recovery - so if you feel you might be at functional multiplicity and you genuinely emotionally feel as though you are on the fence, I don't see why you shouldn't believe you are at functional multiplicity.

It is a little more risky of a game to play in earlier stages of recovery, but considering I know who asked this cause they DMed me 2 seconds later, if you are not prone to notable bouts of denial or using denial as a means of repression, why WOULDN'T you be at functional multiplicity?

The label is pretty loose and subjective and if you want to be at functional multiplicity, claim it, believe it, dedicate to it, and I feel the DID subconscious brain - so long as it is within it's genuine realm of plausibility and believably - will let it be.

So to the anon that I know, I personally am of the non-professional completely-peer opinion that if reading this, you still feel you really really might be at functional multiplicity, say FUCK IT WE BALL, and just take that label and smack it on your face. If you are close enough to functional multiplicity to read through this and still go "maybe we are" then you are close enough to "kinda fake it till you make it".

That's just to say that if you say you are at functional multiplicity, I'd absolutely believe it and accept it, but also that if you said you weren't, I'd also absolutely believe it and accept it. Define who you are based on your genuine truth and where you'd like to be go for it. If you have good reason to believe you are at functional multiplicity and you want to be at functional multiplicity and that you feel you are willing to genuinely believe you are at functional multiplicity, make the claim and be at functional multiplicity.

--- [DISCLAIMER]

**These last few paragraphs (below disclaimer mark) are primarily targetted to the anon cause I know them, and there is a lot more nuance to the topic as well as limits to the extent it can work and trying to take it as a "this is completely impossible to missuse" can be risky. So I do want to put a disclaimer that if you are not in mid to late stage recovery and/or have not gotten over the "fakies" or have parts that try to rush things or "rewrite the narrative at the expense of other parts" - the principle of self determination is not something I'd recommend as it can be used for harm as well if not done authentically. It is important to acknowledge this is completely based on my own experience, opinion and perspective of DID that is NOT substantiated past my personal experience. Take this with a large grain of salt.

[111tblog]

BEING GOOD AND NICE TO PEOPLE.

being a bad bitch, or being a meanie i feel like is in the past. it’s washed, yk what i mean. if you think about it: being genuinely nice with no hidden agenda does take a lot of practice, but it becomes almost as easy as being mean and careless.

in my explanation of how things work. i feel like there is always good and bad and there is balance. the idea of good and bad is definitely subjective. however, i feel like all people are born good, it’s just that they let their lives define them. which i know sounds controversial and irrational, knowing how many people who have done bad things there are. but they thrive on being defined as “bad”, when in fact it’s just their traumas. their “ego minds” have taken over their lives and that’s their own journey. obviously there should be consequences for those people, but it is what it is and their actions are definitely self-explanatory.

when you realise that we are controlled by our ego and it feeds on using all your defensive mechanisms it just makes it easier to observe yourself. and everything starts by observing yourself. i feel like when i do that even if im being impulsive and react in a negative way i step back and i take a note, which is a big step. in that way you detach from your ego mind and start feeling better, because your frequency, “the air” around you, everything you do is so much more than that. therefore you attract likewise.

it does take a lot of practice to be vibrating at a higher frequency. and it does not happen in a straight line. obviously the next step after observing is taking action whenever it is needed, not being afraid to make mistakes. moulding one’s behaviour to the principles that define your highest self.

cause what do we get from being careless and thinking:” just because i know i am better than everyone, no one deserves my energy and time”? we probably do get a lot, but for me the whole way of achieving that would be so boring, that the achievement itself looses its value. i would change this paradigm for myself in that way : “ i know i am the best version of myself, in my own movie that i direct, but everyone is equal here “. cause really it is nice to have self-esteem and confidence. but we don’t like extremities on this blog. cause if you’re on a plane with someone you evaluate as “not as important” as you and the plane crashes. the same things go through our heads and we all die. you are not more in this situation(the situation representing the human species living on our planet collectively🤭).

i like to believe that mistakes and suffering should not be romanticised but regarded as something that is part of everyone’s journey and is beautiful. because we do learn from those two and we do grow from them. so what’s keeping you back from understanding people and realising that judging them for current or past mistakes would do nothing but take away from your time and energy? don’t you have more self-respect to value those two resources and watch out where you give them away? it is hard to be understanding and empathetic and i know that not everyone is wired that way, but not judging also makes your life and the one of people around you better.

however, i’m not saying that life should be all rainbows and flowers and we should perceive everyone as good. because people do bad things consciously or unconsciously, mostly under the pressure of their ego. in order to protect your energy from those people and situations all you can do is just set healthy boundaries. it is hard to balance being nice and protecting yourself. and i myself am still learning to do so. because you can’t be giving your good energy to entities and people that are just designed to take. your energy is endless - of course. but your time isn’t. it’s okay to see the good in people and sometimes to be naive, as long as you know your limits and don’t let yourself hurt.

another thing there is to note is that the line between being genuinely kind and unhealthily good to everyone is thin. you should be aware what deserves your time and effort…

here are a few steps that helped me to be kind to people and also maintain high frequency and healthy boundaries

1.establish your values and boundaries- make sure you observe yourself and your behaviour and try not to think from the perspective of the ego while doing that

2.forgive yourself and forgive others- now that you know that it all stems from ego-let go

3. always remind yourself that we are all connected- despite each and every one of us having our own unique paths

4. be forgiving, but not forgetting- you can always understand from what place someone has taken certain actions, but that doesn’t mean to let them stay in your life

5. be conscious with your behaviour- always keep track of your reactions. i do make mistakes myself sometimes but i hold myself accountable for them afterwards

[director-yomi-hellsmile]

Cube joke (pinned post)

If you know me from @/growling or @/seth-burroughs then you get a krówka. Personal blog of Yomi Hellsmile, so just call me by that name. Serious physical fictionkind/holothere, I'm actually fine with treated as literal Blorbo From Your Games it makes me feel sane and slightly better than just having it ignored. Please poke me around and bombard me with questions as much as you like I thrive off of attention and require constant enrichment in my containment chamber. Just no being weirdly invasive/rude with questions like ''what is the exact mechanism of how you tried to kill your girlfriend that one time'' or otherwise not saying shit to me I know you wouldn't say to literally anyone else please I'm trying to be so nice every day

Fine with source talk / Rain Code discussion (if you're cool with me getting a bit weird about it), fine with all sourcemates if you are respectful/nice in turn, I don't have anything against doubles and I'm waving at you same hat style but I'll probably just nonjudgmentally block you for my own comfort, sorryyyy I gotta take care of my shitty heart rate.

I'm very often not good at articulating myself and a lot of things I end up writing end up kind of incomprehensible or weird, I can't really do anything about it so don't point this out unless you absolutely need to have something clarified. Sometimes I get confused and either not really get what you're saying or can't reply to you for quite some time whether because of that or my perpetual low energy, if you @'d me or sent me an ask and I don't respond within a week then I'm not purposefully ignoring you; either need to take longer time with writing, or I don't really have an answer. Don't blow up at me for asking you to clarify something in simpler terms. My tone might be off either due to those, my brain just working differently, or english not being my first language.

Other info + disclaimers/warnings:

Trans man + outherine bigender, masculine or neutral terms only - and no, "girl" is not gender neutral and I do not care if you use it that way. If you'd like to perceive me perhaps refer to me even: he/him, it/its or xe/xem/xir, and only those; do not call me by they. Also don't call me a "boy" I am a grown ass man.

Loveless aroace (and a fagdyke if you unlock my easter egg), aplatonic, afamilial, posting about those pretty often. Or I think. I'm trying.

Semiverbal MSN autistic + schizophrenic and refuses to shut up about it, which is the main reason some posts may be worded weirdly.

NPD, ASPD and AvPD, I also like talking about those. My brain's valiant mission to collect every heavily stigmatized disorder in order to craft the most fucked up individual in Poland. Follow me in order to fulfill your mutual list diversity quota /joking that was a /joke

Do not insult me as a "joke", or approach me with any sort of overly familiar playful rudeness. I kind of hate how normalized just being ~ironically~ straight up mean to people is on here. No I probably won't read your sarcasm unless I've already memorized all your speech patterns or something

Mainly into: Rain Code (lol. lmao, even), Warriors, Akuma Kun, Mouthwashing, Henry Stickmin, Changed (game), ENA: Dream BBQ, birds, cat genetics and scraping pretty rocks off of sidewalks

Plural, we are not interested in assigning roles to each other or specifying our "origin" or how it all happened as it's not currently relevant to us nor is it any of your business like why do you care. Anyway this blog is safe for endos or like, any other type of plural.

Occasional nsfw posts under the #nsft tag, which will contain a bunch of hard kinks like torture rape violence etcetera, so, block that if you don't want to see those. That's also the only tag I consistently use on this blog.

[arlerts-angel]

hiii mackkk!!! congrats on 1k once again! i’m so happy for you and for how far you’ve come, soon you’ll reach the stars! (and i’ll be here to watch ofc, what kind of a mack fangirl i would be if i wasn’t here to watch you grow right?)

for the event, i’d appreciate being matched with one of the aot boys <3

for my physical appearance: i’m about 5’2, medium straight dark brown hair and big round doe eyes 🥹 idk what else to describe because these are my main physical features i think lmao💔

for my personality: i am a very assertive person, even though being very dreamy and delulu about the future. i know how to handle out of control situations easily and make it less stressful for everyone. im also introvert but when i get close to somebody i look like the biggest extrovert on earth, even going out of my comfort zone because i feel safe with that person! i have many things that im very passionate about (like i’ve been with fnaf since its release) and when i start talking about it, its like ill never stop!

but besides from the good part of my personality, i am very insecure and paranoid in general, even more when in a relationship. i don’t trust myself enough and think i’ll always end up alone, sometimes it makes me get jealous and anxious almost to the breaking point. i get stressed out very easily if my boundaries are not respected, and i almost explode when something goes out of plan 🤡

my favorite things are going to the beach, dancing (i am a competitive dancer to this day), reading, listening to music, theorizing about fnaf & my little pony, also i LOVE cartoons like gumball and some more. i also like playing games like fortnite and genshin, i spent a lot of money on it tho 💔 not a healthy habit

my biggest dislikes are loud people, loud noises, crowded places and being anywhere without my friends🤡

and that’s it i guess, ty and congrats again for 1k girly! 💗

𝑰𝑻'𝑺 𝑨 𝑴𝑨𝑻𝑪𝑯!

ELY!!! i had such a hard time choosing between a few people, but ultimately chose armin for you because: i think y'all would be SO CUTE together 🥹 armin being blonde and bright-eyed (shh i know manga armin has hazel eyes) and you having brown hair and eyes!!! GORGEOUS. 😚🤌 another reason i chose him is because i think armin would relate to feeling insecure in a relationship HOWEVER, he is very pragmatic and i think he'd be good at comforting you! ALSO. SUPPORTIVE ARMIN CHEERING YOU ON AT DANCE COMPETITIONS!!!! SCREAMS INTO MY HANDS!!!! and absolutely geeking out together about fnaf bc he would love it I KNOW HE WOULD! omg this was so long AH SORRY LOLOL TYSM

also thank you sm!!! your kind words mean everything to me 🥹🩷

[irrealisms]

You dont have sex because you're waiting for marriage or because being gay is a sin?

man i dont remember posting anything abt not having sex/celibacy/being side b before this ask, idk what this was inspired by. it's probably bait (and, quite frankly, it's none of your business why i'm having or not having sex) which is why i waited almost a full week to answer but i'm going to answer it anyway (once) because i want to be open about this. if you or anyone else is interested in having a discussion on why i believe the things i do, send me a message or an ask off anon. i'm much more willing to be vulnerable in a setting that isn't "anon question that is probably bait".

as a clarification that will probably mean very little to my secular followers but will be appreciated by my side b followers (and hopefully at least mean something to my side a Christian followers): i reject this dichotomy. i'm celibate because i'm gay--but i don't think being gay is a sin. i am gay. i do not believe my existence is a sin. i believe that i've found many beautiful and true things from being gay, and that God made me gay for a reason. i am glad i'm gay, and i don't wish i were straight or pray to become straight. so, so much of side b advocacy within the Church is focused around making it clear that, while being gay comes with different temptations than being straight, it is not a sin to be gay. (note also: different temptations. not "being gay comes with temptations and being straight doesn't".) it would be a slap in the face to not start with that. i share a lot of thoughts on this with eve tushnet, who's also a side b Catholic lesbian; this post was incredibly meaningful to me on my journey, but check out her blog if you want more.

but also, yeah. i don't have sex because i converted to Catholicism with the intent of obeying the Church's doctrine. i note in my bio that i obey the doctrine of the Church. and, well, i can't get gay married as a Catholic, and i'm not supposed to have extramarital sex. so i don't i know that there are side a Catholics, many of whom i respect, but i'm not one of them. i don't believe in "ex-gay" therapy or "pray the gay away" and i don't think that being gay is inherently sinful, but (and here's the part that i assume you're reading for) i do believe that having gay sex is a sin. i follow the teachings laid out in the Catechism, to the best of my ability and understanding. that's in my about page. right now, for me, as a lesbian: that means celibacy. the Catechism is pretty clear on that, imo. i don't talk about this often because most of my friends (and, for that matter, tumblr followers) are queer non-Christians, many of whom have trauma around Christianity and Christian homophobia (which is, to be clear, very real, even if you agree that gay sex is a sin). but like... i'm just living my life. i go to Mass on Sundays and i fast during Lent (or get permission not to from the local priest, when my eating disorder makes it a health concern) because doing otherwise would be a sin; not having sex (or masturbating! which was/is tbh much harder for me to give up than partnered sex! but people ask a lot less about that, because it's less discourse bait and more clearly none of anyone else's business) is the same sort of thing, to me. was it hard (is it hard)? yes, sometimes. but God doesn't just ask me for sacrifices that are easy. maybe some day i'll change my mind again and become side a or deconvert altogether. maybe i'm wrong about things! but this is where i'm at right now.

for what it's worth, i'm happy. i don't hate myself. as mentioned earlier, i'm glad i'm gay and i don't want to be straight. my life is full of love--from friends, family, God. celibacy has had its downsides and painful moments for me, but it's also had its upsides and moments of joy. i've been able to deepen and prioritize and value my friendships. it's been valuable and beautiful and worth it. fundamentally: i believe what i believe, and i'm living true to that. if you want to unfollow me for this, go for it. if you want to filter it, my tag for religion + queerness + being side b is #too gay to live too trad to die.

[selamat-linting]

if yall think that department store job is bad wait until you hear about the stock broker job i almost had.

so, i recently turned 19 at the time and was desperate for employment. there's this walk-in interview ad on the local job site. i went there, hand in my resume, and without looking at my file the HR told me im accepted for a three day training program. it should be a red flag, but i came in anyway.

our trainer is a man in a fancy suit. the first thing he said other than the over-excited greeting was thanks. thanks for not believing the naysayers who said this job is a scam.

i might be stupid, but im not stupid enough to ignore that. immediately i was hyper aware of everything this trainer was doing and saying. our first day was all motivational speeches and bombarding everyone who dared to question their scheme with noises and covert shaming so they'd get in line. the actual product we're selling, the daily operation, he either sidesteps the question or explain it in such a vague nothingburger way that you couldnt understand it. at least they gave us free lunch though.

when i get home, i began looking up the name of the company. theyre formally certified as a broker company, but its hard to find an actual job desc or the benefits. there's even accounts of costumers who felt theyre getting scammed out of the whole deal. i still came in the next day.

i dont know what i was thinking tbh. i guess there is a part of me who wished it was all a misunderstanding, or a part of me who thinks i can actually make a sale and get money despite the circumstances, and a part of me who wants to convince myself that im not a quitter. i was a mess. i went on my second day, and at least a quarter of people are gone. we did our training, this time we're taught how to trade stocks, using software we barely understand with principles we dont even get. and ofc when we get the job, the money we use for trading would be our customers' money.

during break time, they told us to get comfortable with the workers who have been there for months. i was friendly with them, but i realized they're the ones i could actually get a straight answer from. i basically cornered and made one of them to admit this is a job with no base pay, just a commission scheme. and some havent closed anything for months since the day they start working. i admit, i did it for myself, but i hope other people who enrolled in training with me heard it too.

it was then i made the decision to drop out. dont get me wrong, commission only jobs are a standard practice for a lot of sales industry, and i respect people who do the hustle. actually, i might even try it one day if (big IF here) im skilled and financially stable enough to weather the rough months. but its wrong for that company to avoid explaining that aspect especially when the job is convincing people to fund your trading business and you cant even educate your workers on the product properly! its predatory and scammy as fuck.

and for years after that sometimes i hear a story of a coworker who tried their luck. all of them failed. well, one girl i know manage to close a deal. except she got screwed by her seniors and she didnt get her earnings. one guy i know even end up drowning in debt because of that job. but then again, i dont feel sorry for him because i overheard him confessed to raping a girl at a party once so he deserved it lol!

anyway, the office of that trading company was soon shut down around 2020. i heard they got sued, or they cant pay the rent for the building, im not sure. they were closed though. and everyone who knows that place but doesnt work there, recognized they have a not so stellar reputation. however, they recently reopened under a new name. different company name, same business model. thats capitalism.

[who77o7]

I fucking hate my life. I am getting NO pussy and am extremely a LOOSER. did not go to track and field bbq - did not think too hard about aversion to it - and instead went to coffee shop. Took friend. sat at different tables. Spent afternoon in park with him+dog. frisbee. now mind did i not really want to do these things but he asked and then he brought the frisbee and the blanket and I guess I had kind of asked him if he had the cigarettes. Earlier in the coffee shop (what espresso makes me want a cig jus to calm my nerves) ... and then he asked about taking a fucking grounding walk with his dog. THe frisbee caught me offguard but it was fun to move around I guess.

and now all my track and field groupies are downstairs. Playing Mario cart. I live with two of two of them, can stand two of them, like three of them and kinda feel respect n intimidation for three of them, one of them is kinda weird, one of them is kinda boring n stiff, wish I were better friends with all of them except like kinda one and thats a long story.

and i think the problem is me - if there is a problem in why one of us cant stand each other. Because I have religious trauma. and I feel somehow triggered when I am with these people. Are my feelings of anxiety apparent because I feel I am acting inappropriately? like these things are now allowed, because iit was something I missed out on, therefore didnt deserve, and if I dont deserve it is because it deserves to be taken away from me in punishment.

So Basically I still hat e hanging out at my house sp make your fucking space nice so i can come and hang out in it.I'll work on making myself comfortable. I guess, Fuck You C and I. I and C. are you guys fr having fun down there? are you tired and overwhelmed? who went home first? what are your temperaments? I am a fucking evil vampire. is anyone mad at me? MY friends would be cooler to hang out with. If they all fucking knew each other. having friends that all know each other would be dope. Even a small group, if the small group knew all the people around their area from seeing them around because the things you need are walking distance away. like fr, circle in. like the streets in japan, hi angelica! the say hi! I hope you're still alive! I need to practice typing with my pinkies. I havent done it in forver, actually, and i sometimes forget were they keys are. which is crazy because how have i typed every fucking day of my life and I still trip up? why do my fingers twitch?

but it does sound pretty fun down there. too bad I would be too shy to do anything. i hate being a fucking freak LOOSER >:C I wish i could be cool around N and P. B too, and D but hes weird. but not as weird as C. I screams too much. everyone seems rly judgemental when i feel weird n I always feel weird. D says "you're weird" n "you suck." someone just came to complain abt the noise omg. they're whispering. "helllaa awkward." theyre quieter now.

I shake a lot when im nervous and i pretend im not there. i wish i didnt get nervous so easily. I guess I really hate being around other people. I dont know how to work them, to make them tolerate me. to have a damn personality worth remembering.

and see why do i feel like its my fault?! Like I did something ???somehow??? messed up and ruined peoples fun, and in so doing ... t\riggered their distaste and annoyance??? judgement and outcastment with them???!!

Anyway back to me getting no pussy , everyone is GOING TO THINK that I was FUCKING MY FRIEND because we were hanging out jn my room. Smoking a joint and watching hannibal. NOT FUCKING. he is not my type aand fucking dudes has got to be so far removed from emotional intimacy. Fuck I think that s why its a bit weird with n, because I see my gender identity as intimate , but when Im asked straight up i vomit it out because I want people to understand, but remember i vomit it, unfiltered chunky ugly smelly tangled hairball mess of emotional self awareness, understanding, and coping.

during PRIDE MONTH. i want to. know lesbians. I want lesbians to fall in love with me. FEm lesbians where are. you. mask lesbians. fem lesbias. masc lesbians.I am transmasc, but not a trans man. I may still be genderfluid. I just needed people to understand that I have that masculine side, that side where I feel aligned to the masculine spirit, when i told them that I was a man. Because I needed them to feel the seriousness of my desire to be aligned as such, that if i could switch i would, that if i could be born again i would switch and be sitting in that room down there at 20 years old instead of sick in bed,

and fearing that my identity will make me an object of ridicule and shame, afraid to be seen intimately and rejected and scorned. or worse, patronized and objectified.

I am insecure. aj FUCK YOU for singing that song that made me so angry and disrespected, but I DONT KNOW you weren.t trying to help me feelings but FUUCk YOOU i didnt like it. but whatever you;re fucking annoying but youre my only chill friend rn. like I hung out with a couple others and they just arent the people i am able to relax with.

[rlljayhon]

5/12/24 (heppi mothaz day)

"if you're everybody's friend, your own enemy is you" - derived from mike tyson

anywho! i am doing worse in regards to managing my feelings! yippee!!!! idk why is liking someone so annoying HAHA thankfully denise told me something that was a slap to the face and it kept me in line lmao umm I think I deserve better like I should be looking for a relationship where I feel wanted! but alas I do not respect myself nor love myself enough to do that!!! i mean I wasn't actively looking for something before this whole situation occurred which is why I'm "okay" with where I am at??? i guess??? and they have already made it pretty clear they just want to stay friends, and they don't really do anything or say anything that makes me think they are interested either!! so why do I still feel this way!!! it isn't going to go anywhere!! blahhh!!!! i just need to do a better job of keeping things casual methinx!! bc if they like changed their mind (which will never happen, just a hypothetical) like I would have to think, do they actually like me for me??? or just the attention they get y'know??? baggage baggage catch me at LAX bc I be carrying around all this damn BAGGAGE!!! on the plus side! i have learned that I really like someone who has a lot of qualities I wish I had heh also I do not know if I would wanna be /w someone who is like loud and as energetic as I am LMAO I like the dynamic of being silly and making someone embarrassed in public like not in a bad way but I guess causing a scene HAHA bc me and another goofball I think I would get tired of that and it would be like,,, too much of myself

idk i think im just gonna ride it out until either one of us meets someone or decides to call it off! i will be pretty bummed when that happens, bc I mean yeah all this sucks but I mean I am still having fun!! well that day/situation/talk is inevitable like thanos' snap so it is just a matter of when I guess also on tik tok today I got recommended a one shot manga like its just one chapter and it was this cute little romance called parasol alliance and I liked it a lot so I looked for more one shot mangas -> I found a website and sorted by most popular and I found one I really liked! it was really cute!! but towards the last like 20% of the manga IT BECAME A FUCKIN PORN!!! WHATT!?!?! i mean,,, I wasn't gonna stop there yknow I was already invested n gotta see it thru HAHA it was just so silly like I did not expect that shit at all, and all the comments on that website are just a bunch of thirsty ass weeby girls going like, omgggg he is soo hottt HAHA I guess its like the fanfic to hentai manga pipeline or some shit

--------> Had to add in some shit after reading the last post

I LOVE THE KASAMAS!!! <3 anakbayan has been great for me like having a whole new group of friends is so nice and everyone is so fun and it is so so so amazing to know we are all together fighting and working towards the same goal!!! but also even tho everyone likes me a lot I find it sometimes hard to relate bc I'm in the like 10% of the org who is straight LMAOOOOO but that is okay!! i am just so excited to be done with finals so I can game and fuckin work out and read manga and WORK and learn more about the Phillippines!!! also probably buy a balisong and learn more kendama tricks too lol

[inredshead]

I feel like, to people who have never had significant trauma or have never experienced mental illness or tragedy or anything can't be made to understand those kinds of things and that's okay, great maybe even. But it also means that those people might never be able to understand things about those who have endured those things. I don't know. As I grow and become more aware of my mental illness and areas I lack and even become better in some respects, the more I realize that it is really scary to try to better yourself from these things. There is a whole other level of imposter syndrome that infects you when you are speaking to perfectly well-meaning people who probably love you but don't understand mental illness let alone someone who is trying to explain that they recognize their own mental illness and that sometimes there is nothing they can do about it. Having mental illness is so fucking much and sometimes I think the fact that I am generally so high functioning makes it even harder for people to understand- like sometimes I feel people I am close to judging me like because I am aware and trying to work on my issues that owning them feels like I am using them as an excuse for being how I am. But I'm not trying to be those things. I hate those things, and if I could I would get rid of all of them, but they are plaguing me and I just want it to be okay that I have managed to figure some things out and I'm working on them but sometimes shitty things that I can't seem to figure out seep out of the cracks and I recognize why they are happening but I can't keep them from happening the way they are. I hate that I am a certain way because of my brain and that I have the mental capacity to recognize when my mental illness is showing but it doesn't make it any easier to handle. It hurts so bad when these things hit. Like, right now... it feels... like my soul is a raw blister in the wind. I just know I'm over reacting but it doesn't feel that way to me. I feel the raw blistering seeping out of me and out of my little eyes and I just feel like crying is all I can do. All I want to do is feel it go away and talk to the person that I can't I think its hard because I'm with someone who makes me feel so safe and is so different and so much of what I usually have anxiety about is subdued. But maybe we need to talk about communication. I feel like I let him down and I don't want to. But I also have a full time job fixing myself on top of actual human being bullshit like a job and all the other stuff I'm struggling with. I just want to be more. I want to not feel these things so much I don't want to regret trying to live more normally, have normal relationships with people and do normal things. I was really liking it. I haven't felt this shitty in a long time and I just hope this is all in my head and not a fucking premonition about things. I hope I didn't fuck everything up. I just want things to be good and get better. I don't know. Why do I do this. Maybe I can't be in a committed two person thing until the person knows every shitty thing about me and we work out a communication system. I don't know. I just feel like what is the way to be myself and be strong and straight-forward but also not stand for bullshit when its actually bullshit but not get "girly" about things, but then also be gentle with myself because I also have these BPD experiences that are so much more that I know I need to recognize and try to work through but... fuck sometimes I don't know how to handle them. Like right now. What should I do? I know I am feeling more than what is normal but is it because I'm realizing something terrible is about to hit or because I am overreaccting to something that feels like disappointments from the past? Fuck.

[harrie-cc]

Clearing The Air

I really didn't want to have to write this & let those people know that they have gotten to me, but I think its time to set the record straight. This is probably going to be a long one as I ramble at the best of times, so maybe grab some refreshments for the ride. I’ll put all of this under the cut.

A few days ago this whole Patreon creator doxxing/tracking/leaking scandal came to my attention. Along with the rest of the community I was shocked at the lengths a group would go to in order to stop their content from leaking. It's obviously disgusting behaviour that I would never condone. Even as an early access creator my content is leaked, but I decided a long time ago that trying to stop those leaks would just be a waste of time. Those people downloading for free while its still in early access, are never going to support me as a creator anyway, so there is no point in focusing my attention on the issue. I am fortunate to have a large number of people that do support me monetarily, so that I get to have my dream job. But it still hurts to know how undervalued my hard work is to that particular group of people, that they can’t just wait till its out for free to everyone. 

However, even with it being blatantly obvious why its not possible (at least to me), some members of this community have tried to throw my name into the ring as being involved. Having such a diverse community can be a real hindrance when these kind of issues arise, so I’m going list all the reason why this is a load of crap: 

1. It is impossible for me to track who downloads my content as I have a Patron only download post available for all my early access content. That means one link FOR ALL. This WeTransfer link that is available during early access is also used for public access on both the Patreon post and on the House of Harlix website.

2. WeTransfer: Apparently using this platform to share my files instead of hosting directly on Patreon “looks shady”. WeTransfer is a highly safe and respectable file hosting website which I pay for yearly. By paying for this service I make sure people that use my content aren’t bombarded by ads & that whenever they click that download link it will work for them. This website does not ever have down time, so I know I won’t get messages from you guys saying the links don’t work! I also have chosen WeTransfer to host my files as I share my content across multiple platforms. Hosting in multiple places ie. directly on Patreon & WeTransfer just doesn’t make logical sense. I alsoI like being able to see how many people have downloaded my content, which I can do on WeTransfer, but not on Patreon. Its very helpful to see which sets are more popular than others when brainstorming for future sets.

3. HONEY, I AINT GOT TIME to create secret tracking information by personalising files! I am sitting here for sometimes over 12hrs a day creating my own original meshes. I don’t buy meshes online and convert them, I make them from scratch. If you look at my most recent work the only EA mesh you will discover are plants as I haven't got the skills yet to tackle such an item. If you look at the Harluxe collab that set didn’t even include a single EA mesh or texture. All of that was made from scratch by myself and Felix, who actually does have the skills to create plants from scratch!

4. I have a very small circle of close Simming friends. That would be Felixandre & Peacemaker as cc creators & then a handful of Simtubers as that's where I first started. I haven't communicated with any of those confirmed or suspected creators listed & it's highly unlikely our paths will ever cross as they are all alpha creators and I’m a MM creator. We don’t really have any design aesthetics in common.

Once again I just want to say that its actually really hurtful to have to post this statement and defend myself. I know the reddit & tumblr posts used the title “Big Creators”, so it may lead you to wonder who else may possibly have been involved, but just blurting out my name because I am a larger creator can be very damaging. Wait for the evidence, don’t just go spurting out all of your inner mind talk in a public forum where others can read and take as the gospel truth. Apparently nobody has time for critical thinking in these situations and it turns into a free for all with every Patreon creator put on trial because of a small group of bad apples. People are so quick to jump to the absolute worst conclusions even though I’ve been in the community providing content in many different forms consistently for the last 5 years. There is nothing worse than being accused of something you haven't done. You can take everything else away from me, but having my word means something. I will never give away. Most of the time I tend to deal with these things by saying nothing and not giving it more oxygen to die out quicker. But with this one I can’t keep silent, these are accusations of me actually committing a crime. They are huge allegations and I can’t afford to let them stand. Patreon is my full time job, it is my only source of income & I won’t let some random conspiracy Karen ruin it. 

Please just take a breath and think before you go pointing the finger at innocent people. This kind of toxic behaviour doesn’t help anybody. I’m sure even after laying this all out there will still be some that won’t believe my words, they have their own agenda to prove, believing me doesn’t get them closer to that goal. To them I say delete my content from your mods folder, at least follow all the way through if you believe I’m such a terrible person. 

Please do me a favour and reblog to spread the message. Just to let you know I won’t be responding to replies on this post whether good or bad as I’ve already poured way too much of my energy into this when I should just be doing what I love, creating custom content. 

Harrie 💜

[carphoegras]

I don’t ship most of these myself , but your rant/ramble posts on Les Mis ships are funny so I genuinely wanted your opinion on these 👁

1. Enjoltaire

2. Valvert

3. Enjonine

4. Marisette (or whatever Marius x Cosette was called)

5. Javonine (Javert and…Eponine 😭)

6. Marionine (A name a just guessed for Marius x Eponine because I wasn’t bothered to look it up)

7. and uhhh.. Granjonine (I think that was the name)

well hello darling! i live to entertain lol lets get into it i might have to put this under a cut because i think its obvious i have a rambling issue

Enjoltaire : a classic for good reason. they seemed really base level to me at first because i watched the movie first, but once i read the brick and really saw their dynamic i fell for them HARD. for me the beauty of this pairing is really rooted in the substance of their individual characters as opposed to like a romantic relationship. idk its so difficult for me to verbalize why i love them so much i think i just love the idea of finding common ground despite difficulties. enjolras and grantaire mirror each other in such a beautiful way that i feel the musical/movie couldn't really capture without demoting it to a puppy love grantaire/mean enjolras dynamic idk i have such an issue with some portrayals of them because i feel like they create a victim/abuser situation where there wasn't one but that's like a whole post within itself anyway i feel like im getting incoherent i love exr with every fiber of my fucking being just read the brick if you don't get it ok the movie and musical just dont do it justice and for the love of god avoid the fics written in 2012/2013 after the movie hype its all wRONGGGG (i love you george blagden but you created a twink grantaire movement) (they pull each others pigtails okay its a mutual obsession) (enjolras why don't you just ignore him baby? glutton for punishment my dear we all know if you hated him you wouldn't let him hang around) (anyway) i should make a seperate post about my exr feelings bc i could talk ab them for hours

2. Valvert: okay this is where i feel like i can be unpopular with the fandom. i fucking hate this ship. like physically, spiritually, all that. its one of those that i kinda lose respect for the person bc its literally a cop/prisoner thing. its not enemies to lovers. its not a hate love thing. javert's a fucking cop. valjean is his victim. the whole idea of people romanticizing this makes me feel so insanely icky and i think the point of the story has just gone RIGHT over some folks' heads please take a step back and think about it. neolib behavior sorry not sorry

3. Enjonine: enjolras is gay. just like, straight up in the brick enjolras is a gay man. this ship is spawned from straight girls who saw aaron tveit and use eponine as their not like other girls posterchild. just a whole bunch of hetero nonsense. same behavior as the joseph quinn enj x reader bs. honey thats a homosexual man and can we please stop reducing eponine to needing a boyfriend she needs a stable home and a goddamn therapist fucking hell

4. Marisette: okay. i LOVE THEM. i'm a cosette stan myself, and i'm a huge fan of a gooey love at first sight situation. they contrast my love for exr in the sense that they're a very easy love. their parts in the book literally make me SWOOOOOON i can put aside my beef with marius as a combeferre kin to appreciate how sweet they are

5. Javonine??: im sorry wh aht. did the snape x hermione shippers leak into the lm fandom or am i being fucking punked im not discussing this its obvious why this is wrong please tell me its obvious y'all are NASTY

6. Marionine: eh. eh. i mean, like i said with enjonine eponine's problems are not gonna be solved with a dude. i'm really not opposed to them, persay, its just that eponine's love for marius is so incredibly dependent and rooted more in her personal trauma than actual love, so i feel a little weird with them sometimes. sometimes it just gives anti cosette vibes (cough cough bc of the bullshit love triangle angle that the musical markets cough cough) so i tread very carefully with them

7. Granjonine: again what in the damn hell. i'm not dignifying this shit they could be besties but for the love of god george blagden did a number on the straight girls. STOP PROJECTING ONTO EPONINE IM GONNA LOSE MY FUCKING MIND LEAVE HER ALONE

thanks for the ask lovely, i do love rambling even though these ships are baffling lmaoooo