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Why have men and boys been allowed to gaslight their female counterparts for so long. I am angry that men have been allowed to be so unapologetically what they are for... like ever but women aren't (still) even really allowed to do anything without a different level of criticism. ugh I'm just so tired and sad right now

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I feel like, to people who have never had significant trauma or have never experienced mental illness or tragedy or anything can't be made to understand those kinds of things and that's okay, great maybe even. But it also means that those people might never be able to understand things about those who have endured those things. I don't know. As I grow and become more aware of my mental illness and areas I lack and even become better in some respects, the more I realize that it is really scary to try to better yourself from these things. There is a whole other level of imposter syndrome that infects you when you are speaking to perfectly well-meaning people who probably love you but don't understand mental illness let alone someone who is trying to explain that they recognize their own mental illness and that sometimes there is nothing they can do about it. Having mental illness is so fucking much and sometimes I think the fact that I am generally so high functioning makes it even harder for people to understand- like sometimes I feel people I am close to judging me like because I am aware and trying to work on my issues that owning them feels like I am using them as an excuse for being how I am. But I'm not trying to be those things. I hate those things, and if I could I would get rid of all of them, but they are plaguing me and I just want it to be okay that I have managed to figure some things out and I'm working on them but sometimes shitty things that I can't seem to figure out seep out of the cracks and I recognize why they are happening but I can't keep them from happening the way they are. I hate that I am a certain way because of my brain and that I have the mental capacity to recognize when my mental illness is showing but it doesn't make it any easier to handle. It hurts so bad when these things hit. Like, right now... it feels... like my soul is a raw blister in the wind. I just know I'm over reacting but it doesn't feel that way to me. I feel the raw blistering seeping out of me and out of my little eyes and I just feel like crying is all I can do. All I want to do is feel it go away and talk to the person that I can't I think its hard because I'm with someone who makes me feel so safe and is so different and so much of what I usually have anxiety about is subdued. But maybe we need to talk about communication. I feel like I let him down and I don't want to. But I also have a full time job fixing myself on top of actual human being bullshit like a job and all the other stuff I'm struggling with. I just want to be more. I want to not feel these things so much I don't want to regret trying to live more normally, have normal relationships with people and do normal things. I was really liking it. I haven't felt this shitty in a long time and I just hope this is all in my head and not a fucking premonition about things. I hope I didn't fuck everything up. I just want things to be good and get better. I don't know. Why do I do this. Maybe I can't be in a committed two person thing until the person knows every shitty thing about me and we work out a communication system. I don't know. I just feel like what is the way to be myself and be strong and straight-forward but also not stand for bullshit when its actually bullshit but not get "girly" about things, but then also be gentle with myself because I also have these BPD experiences that are so much more that I know I need to recognize and try to work through but... fuck sometimes I don't know how to handle them. Like right now. What should I do? I know I am feeling more than what is normal but is it because I'm realizing something terrible is about to hit or because I am overreaccting to something that feels like disappointments from the past? Fuck.

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It's just weird realizing that no one I know and probably no one I will ever know will actually know all of me. There are parts that are significant to who I am that will never make sense to repeat and the people who were there are no longer here. So how do I explain myself

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by luis camnitzer (+)

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»everything is so much« by bas van wieringen

[via]

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the summer is like well what if it was unbearable outside and you can't wear any cool jackets. and everyone's going to tell you that this is the best time of the year. and you're the crazy one

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« Étirement globulaire »

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Ulla-Stina Wikander - Toaster, 2018

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might fuck around and let nature reclaim me

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i can’t sleep because of who i am as a person

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politics

I'm constantly surprised that a group of people who "want to make america great again" don't seem to trust or believe in the processes or laws that were the foundation for this country to begin with

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Fencing: The Perfect COVID-19 Sport

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Caitlin Keegan

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You will never be able to experience everything. So, please, do poetical justice to your soul and simply experience yourself.

— Albert Camus, Notebooks, 1935-1951