#but yeah that made me feel so smart
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To this day I still think of of the smartest things I've ever done is in OUAD, having Jaden, Syrus, and Hassleberry give Atticus a Sword of Revealing Light as the equivalent to Flora giving Philip the Sword of Truth.
#I'm watching sleeping beauty again rn so I'm thinking about OUAD aksksk#it's my favorite movie of all time and I've been obsessed with it as long as I've had conscious memory and thought#as well that's how long I've been in love with philip and I will take him to my grave#I cannot watch this movie now without thinking about OUAD the whole time akskksksk#I'm not complaining about it but it is hilarious to me#but yeah that made me feel so smart#a brilliant idea on my account#ugh OUAD really is my magnum opus 😩#abby's fanfic writer power hour#abby after dark#sleeping beauty#sleeping beauty 1959#yugioh gx#ygo gx fanfiction#atticus rhodes#chazz princeton#stormshipping#jaden yuki#syrus truesdale#tyranno hassleberry#once upon a duelist#I also just watched snow white last night I literally might watch it again#I should watching cinderella to get back into the chazzerella mindset cuz I haven’t worked on it in like 2 days aksksksk
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i love when i yap. i love just saying shit on my brain and having ppl go ‘real’
#i made a huge ass post on my dbh and a bunch of ppl have reblogged and agreed with me and i feel so cool and smart#like fuck yeah. the brain worms#shout out to film as art and ap seminar. ur the reason i’m so smart
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#I once made a joke to my students that even though I never worked out I was always mentally lifting weights#in the gym of my own mind.#and it’s been such a helpful metaphor#not to make an outrageous statement here or to overestimate how smart I am (often not very smart at all!)#but just. my brain gets use. it gets exploration. it has been honed.#if it had an embodied form (other than my body) yeah! it would be lifting weights!#and/or doing gymnastics lol (for a zeitgeist-y metaphor)#(actually I am legit so good at mental gymnastics)#but ANYWAY the point is: the metaphor struck me because it highlighted how little my brain gets a break#and again—it’s not all worthwhile or deep or insightful or GOOD. a lot of it is useless or downright silly mental activity#but it IS activity. it is mental motion. day in day out. and it is so so so so so so so hard for me to give my brain a break#or even know how to do that#and I am absolutely tearing mental muscles and getting whatever it is athletes get when they work out too hard#or too strenuously#to extend the metaphor to the limit#and I need !!!!!!! a rest day#vacations are almost worse tbh. I feel like I hit this point a lot in the summer#because school forces me to think about things but actually much more helpfully it forces me to stop thinking about things#and do something else. it’s thinking on a schedule lol#and so the breaks are just built-in#but on my own I’ll just go go go go go and fall down every rabbit hole and chase my own tail#and it’s so tiring#anyway it hit me the other day that I could actually set limits for myself#like I was thinking about something in the shower (as you do) and it was stressful#and then I was like you have until the end of the shower to think about this and then you have to stop#and it was super helpful. I need to do that more. but yeah.#I don’t know how to give myself a rest day because who knows what will set the brain off#I also Know it wouldn’t be as bad if it wasn’t all interwoven with anxiety. but anixey is very deeply interwoven with how my brain works#so stressfully going down a million thought paths#ANYWAY !!!!! it is 1;41 am and I can’t sleep!!!!!!!
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hey god if you've created someone for me can you introduce me to them sooner? i kinda need them now
#like i know i know im sad and hurt but in my heart even the worst breakup friendship or otherwise can kill my hope#like i know this is gods plan for me this is my arc but god it's getting worse and harder everyday#i thought nothing could be worse than yesterday but i hadn't lived today them#then*#i need to talk to someone so bad oh god sl yesterday i had the exam right#and like i don't even know what happened i thought i was going to fail even after giving my 2000% studying#for like 10 hours a day for 15 days for this one exam#and i was panicking and shivering so bad that my heart felt like it would fly out of my chest it was beating so hard#and so fast it didn't even beat like that when i climb too many stairs#and i tried to deep breathe but nothing worked it was so scary like yeah i get stressed sometimes#but this was another level so scary i was nauseous too#and then i clicked submit and i got 82!!!#when i was so sure i was gonna fail because i was only sure about 54 marks answers and the passing was 50#and i got really happy and relieved and then i realized. oh. i don't have anyone to tell#like yeah i told my dad and he was like oh cool ofcourse you did very good#because he doesn't GET it that im not smart anymore and 10th cbse is not an accurate measure of intelligence#he wasn't even happy or surprised he was like well nice obviously#and that's it. i didn't have anyone else to tell#granted i hadn't even told anyone i was giving the exam. i mean i say anyone as if im swimming in friends#only have one. two if u stretch. and i didn't say. cause like idk doesn't really seems like anyone cares#and aah stupid emotional me before the exam i was feeling sad and trying not to panic (??? why??) and CRY in the car because i was thinking#that how my mom always drops me to exam centres and we talk i play music and when im getting out she says all the best beta#and the beta. wow i typed this and immediately have tears in my eyes now. i don't even understand why but#idk i made it up to be a little tradition in my head and i really wanted to call my mom and say mom pls can u say all the best#to me now bc i think ill fuck it up and im really scared and maybe if u give your blessing it'd be okay. but then i thought how embarrassin#it wld be if i failed. bc we don't have any kind of rship my mom and me. and then when she heard i passed from dad she didn't even call me#or anything. thank god i didn't do all that drama but fucking hell. this is all just for me right nobody cares not my parents#and it's too difficult im crumbling under the pressuee but i have to grit my teeth and do it or ill never be able to get out of this house#and i know ill find people when i do get out. but in the meantime. please god ji just one person idc who girl boy friend or love ANYONE#ik it's weak & ik i shld be enough on my own. but pls i just CAN'T.they dont even have to put up with me they just have to care a bit
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every time top surgery is getting discussed in the news a trans guy will be like wow it sucks that everyone is being so publicly disgusted by my body with no repercussions it's as though they don't think we're people with feelings. and then a million people will jump in like ALSO SOME CIS WOMEN (the only people who can get breast cancer) ALSO LOOK LIKE THIS. this picture of a trans man that everyone is calling a mutilated freak instantly made me think of cis women, and look at her living her best life! misgendering? i'm a trans ally but come on, it's a drawing, don't you think that's being a bit silly? art is about interpretation anyway - we should celebrate ALL afabs who get mastectomies, for whatever reason ^.^
#um.txt#its true trans people are mutilated freaks who have no right to want to not be called mutilated freaks by every major news outlet#but wont someone think of the cis people?#i understand the point when its made sparingly. but when its the first thing people jump on without even acknowledging#that trans people's bodies are currently a public spectacle for the public to gag over. well yeah it does feel like#they dont think we have feelings lol.#ntm people of any gender can have medical complications that lead to having breast tissue removed. so the constant comparisons to#cis women feel. well. this is word for word an exchange i saw on twitter and they were talking about afabs so lol#only 'afabs' are capable of getting breast cancer apparently. and breast cancer is the only reason for breast tissue removal. im so smart.#sorry this costa shit is pissing me off. my grandparents are telegraph/mail readers so u can imagine how its been going#watching half my family including my little brother be slowly radicalised against me bc of the right wing pull of this country 🥰#and im powerless to stop it bc im just a wokey tra and they wont take me seriously 😁
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Just remembered I have a psychiatrist appointment so early tomorrow. And I obviously dyed my hair so recently because there's green staining on my face. I don't think it's going to look great for the bipolar diagnosis, to disclose that I was feeling impulsive and wanted to get control over something, so I dyed my hair at midnight.
#i dont really like this psychiatrist but ive only seen her once so i figured i should give her one more shot#last time i saw her she adked how i liked my anxiety meds#i said i love them. theyre helpful and have no side effects since my body got used to them#and i said i explicitly didnt like ky old ones cuz of how they made me feel#she prescribed the old ones and said i should just tey taking a smaller dose. even though im on meds i like#but the bigger problem is#we went over all my previous medications. ive been on several. a lot of antidepressants especially which is really bad for bipolar#the worst antidepressant cause pericarditis (swelling around my heart) that made me go to the emergency room#we went over that. i told her everything i just told you#my bipolar leans heavily into the depression so she decided to tey another antidepressant along with my mood stabilizer#can you guess which antidepressant she prescribed? can you??#and i didnt realize it at the time because she called it the generic name so i couldnt explain she shiuldnt prescribe me that#and i meant to callher about it but it completely slipped my mind and i thought i had more time#and then suddenly my appointment is tomorrow#or the other thing she recommended was lithium. which feels like wuite an escalation#eapecially since she said it can cause irreversible damage to (maybe remembering this wrong) my kidneys#like i feel like there must be a better option. none of which are anxiety meds i dont like. an antidepressant that sent me to the hospital#or something that could cause irreversible damage. like i feel like theres a better way#i also need to talk to her about setting up an adhd assessment#i had an assessment a few years ago in which i was told im 'too smart to have adhd'#calling adhd people not smart is bullshit. you cant be too smart to have adhd. and i feel like i was just dismissed because im female#he said he wished he could score as hugh as i did on the knowledge tests#man me too. maybe then you wiuldnt be such an idiot. how did you get a license to practice. how did you pass any higher education#are you just a random guy that walked in off the street? i refuse to call him a doctor#i call him a quack or by his full name because i don't think he deserves the respect of that title#what was i talking about. oh yeah trying another assessment with an actual doctor this time#wish me luck with my appointment tomorrow bcuz she might try to kill me again#or dismiss my concerns of adhd like she dismissed my dislike for my old anxiety meds#im in hell. being mentally ill is hell a little bit#actually its not. im fine with my mental illness. im not fine with how doctors treat me because of it
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I just had the horrible thought that I need to fall in love because having devastating crushes on beautiful, competent, authoritative women that I desperately want to please is exhausting and I need it to stop
#this one is straight so there's no room for delusion which is good#but my burning need to be her most favorite is eating me from the inside#it IS making me better at my job though#.......i mean i think so but what the fuck do i know#on friday night amongst the grueling psychosexual chaos that ensued a very smart guy that I LOVE said to me#i have no doubts you're gonna be a great psychiatrist actually#i traded a month with him to have another month with her#he's a phenomenologist she's a psychodynamic....ist? rival theories#I don't like most of psychodynamic theory.......so far#but i love the way she works and i can see how well it fits with her manymanyMANY patients and goddamnit i love personality dosorders#so i made the choice to go with her yes and im very torn casue i LOVE that guy and i wish i could become his friend like my bff from my year#also.......kind of dumb of me since I'd only soend two days a week woth her and the other three with very scary ladies#but I've been in scarier situation i can manage#and god when she praises me (silently obv she's only been forward about my merit ONCE and i almost pissed myself like an overexcited dog)#the endorphin rush is........man#but yes i need to work on this.......idk how to define it. closest i can get to explaining it is professional sub space#with strong aspects of praise kink#pathetic is what it is really#but hey if it makes me study harder who fucking cares right#I'm gonna be the smartest most intuitive fucking bitch amongst my peers so if I can't have her (them) carnally then goddamnit#I'LL HAVE THEIR PRAISE AND RESPECT AND ADMIRATION AT LEAST#........I'll be normal again in a week or two i just need to get over these next couple of days of....idk. inflammation i guess#yeah it's just like an infected wound right now#angry red throbbing hot pain#i know the drill it'll be better in a couple of days you just need to not freak out and let it do its thing#it's nice to be mature-r about emotional impulsivity and the shame that comes after an episode of deregulation#it really doesn't have to be a big deal even while it still feels like it#it still hurts but it's like......hour three of a tattoo. it's a bitch but you know it's gonna be over eventually and wriggling won't work#the only thing left to do is enjoying it all while it's happening or trying to#I don't think I'm doing a great job but what're you gonna do right
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The way I had every intention to be productive this weekend and did none of it bc I know I’m in for some shit the minute I walk into that stupid office
#I finished the t-shirt design for HR lady right and she came in twice about it (could’ve been an email truly)#then when she DID said an email she just forgot that we fully did discuss putting the gross 75th anni. Logo on it#so her email was just that#and I did forget to respond to the email- like I skimmed it and then went ‘we talked about this’ but I’m not allowed to be a smart ass over#email anymore because when sales reps were being especially rude and disrespectful to my coworker and I#I’d waste no time to put them in their place#it took two fucking years of complaining for them to not treat us like shit and to give us deadline that aren’t same day/next day#like two years of me forcing my bosses hand to actually stand up for us for him to tell them to back off#I stopped dealing with it#my coworker does now bc I can’t be bothered to argue with assholes anymore#anyway yeah I- I truly do not check my email often so by the time EOD rolled around I wasn’t checking#but I know HR lady will be in my inbox bright and early :/#but on the bright side I’ll have the art room to myself Monday+Tuesday bc my coworker is leaving~~~~~#so I’m gonna try and be productive Monday so I can rest and relax at my desk Tuesday#then pretend I’ve been productive when I meet with my gross awful boss Wednesday morning#ugh#I need a new job bad#I hate this one#it’s fine but god is it boring and not creative at all#I love graphic design I do I really do but when it’s just sign making with pre-made templates it’s soooo fucking boring#So this weekend I just got high and yesterday a lil tipsy to feel a lil crossfade#I truly haven’t done shit bc if I think about Monday I’ll scream#personal
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What up I'm married to a tall person who is basically Milo Thatch but agender, and uhhh, basically, yeah, everyone should be jealous and I LOVE MY CUTE TWINK NERD WIFE!!!!! 😤😤🥰🥰🥰❤❤❤👌👌
#original#i love my wife#had a big crush on that character growing up#you know who else is really into her? EVERY OTHER CHUBBY TRANS GUY IN CHICAGO apparently we just see her and are like OH HELL YEAH#do you know why this is? it is because we have excellent taste that is why.#and also we want non threatening masc people to be into us and respect our gender! that's me anyway#and this is excellent news for her anyway bc we're in an open relationship & she thinks guys like me (her HUSBAND 🥰😁) are incredibly hot#this is also bc she has excellent taste.#but it is a running joke that she keeps getting nice OKC matches that look a lot like me 😂#anyway this post is a thing that would have made young me BOIL with envy if someone else said it but in fact it is ME#and young me grew into me and is in here like AAWWWWWWW YYYEEEEEEEEAAAHHHHH 🤘🤘🤘🤘🚀🚀🚀#she doesn't just look like Milo she also moves and emotes and talks like him. and until recently her glasses would not stay on her face!#she got new ones. nerd. i adore her.#she is so kind to Jack (me) and to my giant anxious pitbull child#she puts his blankie on him as he rests on her toes to make sure she doesn't go anywhere 😭😭❤#she is my best friend and she never makes me feel stupid or fake or undeserving. she just likes me so much and she fkn acts like it!#and we have good boundaries and communication in a very autistic way [positive] and she is so smart and funnyyy#oh i am falling asleep now#probably has something to do with how thinking about my wife makes me feel safe and warm or some gay shit like that 🙄 ;)#edit: omg it just occurred to me that she is like 80% Mill and 20% Jessica Jones. just in terms of like. vibes. XD#she cares a lot about Jessica Jones. I will tell her my findings in the morrow#*80% Milo
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I forgot to mention that I saw the trailer for the new the The Hunger Games movie when I went and saw Blue Beetle (the prequel, you know?) and it does look really good (even though at first I was unsure about it). I'm probably for sure going to see it when it comes out. Though this will be the first time that I haven't read the book first... unless I do end up reading the book between now and then.
#friends how do we feel about the 'the ballad of songbirds and snakes' novel?#because for me personally. and a lot of people i know... i honestly preferred the hunger games movies more than the books (even though you#have to love and appreciate the books. of course. because without them there would be no films)#is it the same with the prequel?#though i also know that many fans prefer the books and hate the movies: thinking the movies left out too much and that kind of thing#but yeah. since i DID prefer the movies. and think there's a good chance it might be the same way again. i'm thinking i might just watch th#movie first or maybe not even read the book at all#even though i'm usually of the mind of always reading the book. of course. and usually first#i think my reasons for preferring the movies are as follows... i really hated katniss in the books. i'm sorry. but i did. but seeing her#brought to life with the way jennifer lawrence played her really made me love her#also. people complain about some things the movies left out. and i definitely get that. to each their own#but i personally love the things the movies ADDED! that we didn't get to see since we're stuck in katniss' pov. that i think just bettered#the stories so much#and some (surely not all) of the things that were left out that people complained about i feel like aren't THAT needed?#like they didn't explain the avoxes#but i also feel like if you're smart you can clearly figure out what the capitol did to them#idk. this is just my opinion of course. anyone is free to disagree#but i say all as this as someone who isn't SUPER into the hunger games#i only read the books once. years ago. and i haven't seen the movies in a while. so i'm sure there are things i may have forgotten and migh#be getting wrong here#oh! another thing too is that i've seen people mention that they felt like suzanne collins' writing style with thg is almost script-like.#even though it's not a script of course#and that that might be another reason that i. and so many others prefer them as movies#because it was almost like she was writing the books TO be made into movies
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billions figuring winston shouldn't just also still be there in the end with the guys we accept so he needs to be sent out, which, it's also remarkable to recall like "okay does he still technically, partially work at/for axe global then? it's a 'maybe' but what matters is that he's not There even if so"....the way that even if we infer he did get to finally be sick of waiting on better, we weren't even given so much of an arc of a couple episode's leadup showing him markedly being more frustrated / fed up with The Usual bullshit or anything like that, the way it went with one ep to spare "oh right winston's catchphrases! we all know & loathe them" like don't strain yourselves....that even in giving up on things, winston still has to be further let down by everyone even after quitting, like well that's probably ultimately helpful for him but it was (a) forced on him and (b) not sure i'd give billions the credit for anything sympathetic towards winston versus "well the only thing to be done with winston material is have fun while epic winners shit on him however they want," the wags plotline had no point just like the later one that could've been scrapped & transformed into "how about taylor gets any dialogue this episode"....the way that billions may imagine like hmm what to do with winston? all that can Ultimately happen with him is he has to go away and die, for him it's [out of sight out of mind out of Existence], just as has been the show's approach for the consequences of him being shitted on all th time for years before this: there are none, b/c we're not looking at them, and winston is never not completely [othered] including right now, and if it helps for some reason we'll talk about how we might be fine if he literally dies. and so we're graced with a "who knows or cares, he's just gone, finally. after being kept around b/c it's so fun seeing winners torment him" ending as the only one they find imaginable for winston
#uptick in annoyance about it on this day....#fundamentally at odds w/billions thanks in no small part to a pretty guaranteed inherent [this is a meritocracy] approach#when the cocreators expect us to simply Understand that people on the show have a superior level of Smartness; for one....ruh roh#and where then everything abt being Critical & Questioning is like....abt possible Exceptions or small adjustments to The Rules....#would not be surprised if winston is such ''proof'' like ''see; someone like him shouldn't be able to be here''#at least there's the checks & balances of being ignored; dispreferred; bullied; to the point of eventually driving him out!#rian only being ''wrong'' to have made herself his personal bully b/c what would've been more correct would be ignoring him more often#whilest again like can't suppose based on anything that billions asks us to Reflect on winston leaving. it's just good#so too is Corrective(tm) bullying / interpersonal abuse. would've had wendy push aba if they did consider winston to be autistic....#but instead kept it informal....#winston billions#billions world: where yeah autistic ppl just have to go away i guess#where they cease to exist b/c they aren't real people like us. just as winston's feelings this whole time never Had to be relevant....#they barely existed & were surely just incorrect when they did. kind of like him overall#and in the meantime didn't we all enjoy going ''god i wish that were me'' at bullying assaulting abusing the autistic guy#bit charitable of us if anything! guiding them towards the light like that. cue ''wow rian aren't you just Too pityingly nice to him*''#(*the being more godawful to him than anyone since she showed up; including being just as bad if not as usual worse right now)#anyways like nodding dehumanizing the autistic person start to finish. who must Stop Being Here
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i need to be one of them so bad.
#i love the saints SOOOO much#sitting around and playing board games while discussing our criminal empire? and then breaking a guy out of jail and blowing shit up???#i love them#they're so silly goofy#ash rambles 💚#also i would do anything to try kev's cooking!!!!#i am this 🤏 close to making an s/i#my player character looks so much like me (i made her that way hehe!) that i might just insert myself AS the player#but i also love player's personality and she's such a pal#but isnt she so cute?? she has my red glasses! and my favorite red jacket+#*!#yeah i just love this gang of idiots so much and love seeing them blow shit up for the hell of it#each one of them... they're all my pals!!!#also the game just makes me so happy! so many people of color!! openly gay people!! like me!!#my very unlabeled and very punjabi ass feels very represented#anyhow yeah#n.eenah is so fun and so pretty! i love hearing her talk about cars! also it's pretty entertaining whenever she loses her shit and starts#swearing in spanish. idk what you're saying but speak your truth bro!!!#k.ev is so fun! he's so funny and such a great cook! he's so kind and reliable and i love his tattoos! also he's great with a gun#e.li is so smart and funny! it's so funny how he's the reasonable one and i love his fashion sense#and the player character is so entertaining! i love how their first instinct is always to start killing or blow something up#uggghhh this friend group is everything to me
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there is...danny phantom worldbuilding
*breathes*
no like you don't understand
massive. in-depth. worldbuilding.
more so than i even saw for HOMESTUCK
i. am. incapable. of. being. NORMAL. about. this.
*vibrates out of skin*
#*screeching noises*#where has this fandom been all my life???#why did i EVER forget i watched this show as a kid???#even just the few fics i've read so far have made me feel SO SMART AND YET SO DUMB#and DON'T EVEN GET ME STARTED ON THE THEORY POSTS#AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH#*cough*#so uh yeah this is your heads up that i'm likely to binge reblog shit or even rant and rave about shit here#duck and cover
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💭
#I’m kinda done with horror movies tbh#and I’ve been done with them for a little while already but I guess bc I saw some that were coming out that looked cool I tried it again-#but now it definitely feels like I’m done#I’m just done with the disturbing things :/ the murder and the misery and stuff#it’s just not something I want to see really#I guess that also extends beyond horror movies and also includes dramas that are overly miserable or just movies that deal with the-#disturbing and super graphic violence and such#and it’s not only to protect my peace or myself mentally or whatever because these things do disturb me#but also because genuinely I don’t find them that interesting anymore? like I watch these movies and yeah they get to me and stuff but also-#I’ve come to realize I’m kinda bored? like if someone would turned off the movie I don’t think I would mind much#like I’m not really interested when seeing these movies I’m not invested or anything#like yeah I can think about these movies after watching them and seeing the themes in them and how well the movie#- was made and how smart it is and what it’s trying to say and-#- appreciate it for all those things but I’m just not really into it at the end of the day nor did it made me feel anything positive-#like after thinking about all of that I’m like ‘😐 alright then’ and realized I feel bored#* realize#and I don’t care if ‘it show a really important theme that’s part of reality and need to be talked about more’ or if it’s supposed to ‘start#a conversation’ I feel like I KNOW the theme I KNOW that it’s important and what that’s about and I’m aware and so are most people and-#conversations have been happening and so it like an excuse that’s used for filmmakers or something. I’m sorry but I don’t see the point and-#*its#feels overdone and something that has been talked about and is known. sorry if that sounds dumb of me or something#I’m just doneeee#like I KNOOOW bad things happen in the world and to people I KNOWW but I don’t want to see it in my free time I don’t want to see something-#traumatic as hell I get it!!!#so from now on I’m just not gonna watch anything like that anymore because I’m not having a good time so it feels like a waste of time then#online diary
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sometimes i miss talking to that one person who didn't NEVER turned it into a competition about who has it worse and never told me well atleast you have [x]
#weirdly i think she was the only one#my irl bestie called and was ranting about her miserable life and#it's the exact same thing ive been going through for years her parents won't let her move to another city#she can't make friends here she hates it here her parents are being overbearing and don't understand the importance of socialising#with people her age and they tell her to just hang out with her family all day and don't give her privact#like. okay. i love her ive been listening to her complain about how her mom comes into her room sometimes. and just#i was okay listening to it okay im no judge for how someone's feeling and my bad might be their worst#but then she goes like well atleast you'll know you'll get to move out after you finish your degree for a job#like. wow okay. atleast you got to enjoy 3 years of college at the coolest city in india atleast you got to have vibrant life experiences#and learned so much about the world made tons of friends visited a hundred places had a boyfriend#went to clubs increased your netword learned how to be street smart and talk well#i hate to be resentful ofcoursr im happy for her and ofc i understand this is a hard time#but like god seriously. she'll never know what it feels like think you'll live your life as you pass 12th because they let your elder siste#go to college and she had the best times and then suddenly you're 17 and they twll you well actually we made a mistake and we won't repeat#it ever so you're just gonna stay home where we watch you 24/7 and ww won't even let you go to classes that have somewhat okayish people#because you can't have friends because they'll distract you from your studies#and she'll never know what it's like working towards a dream everyday that seems so fucking faw away and unreachable#when you're not even good at studying and especially focusing because yeah parents fucked you up majorly!!#like im sorry but try being completely hopeless and alone and isolated losing your friends one by one watching everyone#grow and find themselves as you rot in your room try to do better try to find happiness but it's impossible it's never enough#and try to study for a really fucking hard course in the middle of all that#and then tell me that atleast ill get to go out after i finish#like seriously try fucking living my life for one day and then talk#god i know ive become resentful and bitter because of a thing in my childhood but i don't know how to stop#ugh i never should've picked up the phone i was studying so well before that#anyway. i miss talking to that one person who was sensitive and sweet and encouraging always yk#i miss hearing i completely understand you because im going through the same things (def worse imo) and we'll get through this together#man.#chappell roan was so right actually i hate that i let this go on for so long now i hate myself
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dating the love and deepspace boys | domestic moments
featuring: rafayel, xavier, and zayne x gn!reader
(´• ω •`) ♡ modern au! can you guys tell raf is my favorite..?
rafayel
a year younger than you. lies to everyone (including you) that he’s actually two years your senior. you only found out he was younger than you when you met his parents, who have his birth certificate framed.
hates cats. despises them. they fill him with rage (fear). says he’s allergic (he’s lying).
“oh shit raf, this sucks! i guess you can’t move in with me.. i have cats”
“...you have cats?”
“yeah. 3.”
“i’m not allergic. i can move in tonight.”
chronically online. minoring in marine biology and majoring in annoying you. texts you over 200 times a day and if you don’t respond, he’s faking a horrible chronic illness. again. it’s amnesia on wednesdays, appendicitis on thursdays, chronic migraines on fridays… etc..
he has 2 followers on his private twitter. you and thomas.
over 700k followers on instagram for some reason? he sells paintings on depop (he says it's depop but you’re convinced he sells them for heinous prices on the black market)
cooks on occasion? has an apron that says kiss me im irish (he's not irish?) made you a tuna cupcake once??
pescatarian. not in the vegan/vegetarian way where he refuses to eat red meat but because he’s absolutely feral over fish. (is this cannibalism? he says its not)
lives in a 2 bedroom apartment with you but doesn’t use his bedroom. says your bed is comfier. turned his bedroom into a painting studio (IT’S for the black market you say!!) and sleeps with you.
“raf,” you sigh. “don’t you have.. homework or something?”
he sits between your legs, back against your chest as he scrolls through his phone.
“yeah,” he says. you flick the back of his head because you know he’s smirking. “it’s called assignment: you. due in two minutes.”
with his free hand, he reaches back mindlessly to grab yours. you sigh, fingers intertwining with his, a reflex as he leans his head back. his eyes meet yours and you can’t help but laugh.
“well?” you ask, brushing his hair out of his eyes as he squeezes your hand. “what are the assignment details?”
he chews on the bottom of his lip as he thinks, humming while his eyes wander across your face. he swings your interlocked hands in circles. it’s raining outside, the heater is on, and rafayel is warm like hot chocolate.
“what?” he says, his cheeks a tinge pink. “you’re looking at me like that again.” a pause. he turns, his head now buried in your chest.
“just studying my homework.” you say, hands instinctively wrapping around his back. the laundry machine is running in the background, rain is falling against the window, and you faintly hear your rice cooker dinging in the kitchen. home, you think, is with rafayel.
“i can hear your heartbeat.” he says, voice muffled. “it’s super fast. you like me or something?”
“i really like you.” you say, without skipping a beat. rafayel groans into your chest, sighing in discontent.
“no fair. i’m supposed to be the flirter.”
you press a kiss onto the top of his head and you feel his body melt into yours. the two of you fall into a warm silence, his breath steady as he traces paintings into your neck.
“raf?” you mumble, eyes drooping. he hums in response. “did you pass your assignment?”
he smiles. “with flying colors.”
xavier
chronic napper. (yapper?)
has 100 late assignments. failing all of his classes yet got into the top university in your country because he got a perfect score on his entrance exams. you thought he was a nepo baby (turns out he’s just.. smart?)
his procrastination rubs off on you… he is the WORST distraction and he knows it. so smug about it and uses it to his own advantage. will perch on top of you when you’re studying and kiss down your neck until you go to sleep with him.
lives in the apartment on top of yours but is at your house most days, if not all. you ask him to move in.
“am i not already.. living with you?”
“don’t you still have your apartment, though?”
“yeah..?”
is that good for the economy?? is it financially smart? not at all, but he’s too lazy to move out and put his apartment up for lease.
xavier sleeps with his legs entangled with yours and his arms wrapped tightly around your chest. the air conditioning hums in the background as you scroll mindlessly on your phone, dimming the brightness as you hear xavier stir.
“sorry xav, did i wake you up?” you ask. he doesn’t respond, blinking the sleep out of his eyes as he glares at your phone.
“xavier?” you question, swallowing a laugh at his ruffled hair and disheveled clothes.
“phone down.” he says, voice raspy with sleep and an octave lower than usual. you raise an eyebrow at him.
“can i get a pretty please in this economy?”
xavier’s eyes narrow as he snatches your phone away, snoozing the device and placing it on the nightstand next to you. his lips ghost your neck, pressing kisses against your skin as he mumbles incoherently in the dark of your bedroom.
“xavier-” you breathe, giggling at the sensation. “that tickles!”
he nips at your neck.
“bedtime. now.”
zayne
3 years older than you
he literally has his whole life together at 27 which scares you so much
“my credit card is your credit card” typa boyfriend
cooks. cleans. has a 9-5. you’re interning at the hospital that he works at (he’s head doctor!!)
you’re just a sweet little intern and zayne is the big bad monster!! everyone at work thinks he hates you because he’s extra strict on you. doesn’t give you any special treatment, ‘ignores’ you most days (but also slips meals into your locker and hands you heat packs on cold days in the hospital)
no one knows he’s dating you until one day someone sees you leaving in zaynes car.
“oh, you carpool with doctor zayne?”
“huh? no, we live together.”
“you WHAT???”
he’s a virgo……. erm……
the two of you get ready together in the morning. his guard is down when he’s sleepy and he’ll cling to you as he brushes his teeth and does his hair.
you wake up to the cold night breeze, blinking the sleep out of your eyes and shivering as you scan your surroundings. you yelp as you meet the attentive gaze of your boyfriend.
“huh? whuh? huh?” you splutter, squirming as zayne holds you tighter. he’s carrying you bridal style in his arms, his jacket around your shoulders as the two of you walk to his car. you see the bright lights of akso hospital fading away behind the two of you.
“it’s two am,” he says calmly, placing you down gently as he opens your car door for you. “you waited for my shift to end. again.”
you smile bashfully, rubbing the back of your head. “well, i didn’t wanna just leave you!”
zayne clicks his tongue against the roof of his mouth, eyebrows furrowed but gaze warm. he guides you into your seat, clicking your seatbelt in place.
“you can nap on the way home,” he says, closing the door and sliding into his side of the car.
the heater’s on already- courtesy of his super expensive electric car. he fastens his own seatbelt and hands you a hot tea and bread from the hospital vending machine.
“drink up. doctor’s orders.”
you grin before he leans over to press a kiss on your lips.
“thank you for waiting for me.”
#love and deepspace#love and deepspace x reader#rafayel#xavier#zayne#love and deepspace headcanons#love and deepspace rafayel#rafayel x reader#zayne x reader#xavier x reader#love and deepspace fluff
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