variablejabberwocky

[variablejabberwocky]

I feel like Bruce Wayne projects the kind of amiable playboy 'fun' vibe that he'd be the type of celebrity that certain interviewers feel comfortable surprising with puppies.

You know the kind of shows I mean.

The late-night talk show situations where they're making benign small talk with their smiling guest, and there's a segment where animals get brought out, usually to talk about some sort of ecological relief effort.

So you're watching your trash TV talk show late at night, and you get to watch billionaire pretty boy Bruce Wayne be begrudgingly talked into holding a (relatively) harmless creature which inevitably gets a lot of delighted shrieks from the audience as it starts being a lot more active than the handler promised. And to his credit, Bruce doesn't flinch, he doesn't freak out. But his eyes are a little wide, and his voice a little tight as the smile on his face takes on a slight rictus quality before he's inevitably rescued by an apologetic handler who is also laughing because they all know there was no real danger, it was just funny to put Bruce, who is an undeniable good sport and already laughing along, out of his comfort zone for the sake of charity.

Meanwhile, up in the Justice League headquarters, several founding members of the League are wondering how fast they can get a fake Oscar award shipped to the space station because fuck off. Absolutely fuck off, Bruce. Where the fuck did he study? Juilliard? (Probably.)

(Clark ends up going to a novelty store during the commercial break. It's faster than trying to get anything shipped, even with the infrastructure Bats built for them. He finds it several days later taped to his console in a conspicuously empty briefing room. It's gaudy and awful, the words "Best Actor" engraved on the plaque. No one's around to see him smile. No one comments when it vanishes. Everyone thinks it's been yeeted out an airlock. Dick absolutely comments when it shows up in the manor, stashed in one of the trophy cases that sprung up for all the bat kids' school awards. Bruce has no idea how it got there. Must have been Alfred. (It was not.))

Anyway, consider, for your amusement, Bruce Wayne getting highjacked on The Gotham Toight Show with a handful of wriggling puppies and, for a split second, not having to pretend he's delighted to be there.

[variablejabberwocky]

Batmuppet Chapter One: The Rainbow Connection

“It’s time to play the music, it’s time to light the lights, It’s time to meet the Muppets on the Muppet Show tonight!” The manor ought to have been silent as the grave when Bruce returned, so it caught him by surprise when he heard a familiar jingle drifting through the empty halls. He paused at the foot of the grand staircase, head tilted to the side as he listened to the Muppet Show theme song jangling away happily. It sounded like it was coming from the first floor, which meant the most likely origin was Dick's bedroom. Which would be fine, if it also wasn't almost three am... [Keep reading on Ao3]

What do you do when you come home late and find the orphan you've taken guardianship of is crying alone in his room watching the Muppets?

You sit your brooding ass down and join him.

And if you later end up on a talk show with said Muppets and end up embroiled in a running gag about your playboy persona being in a throuple with Miss Piggy and Kermit the Frog, well, it's not like anyone's ever going to believe you're Batman now...

Based on the Tumblr shitpost.

***

Listen, I had no intention of posting this until I finished the whole thing, which is now about 70k worth of words in my drafts. But I'm going to be so real right now, I need to feel a shred of happiness right now, or I'm going to break, so you get to read BatMuppet in installments, and I get dopamine from completing tasks. Sound fair?

Cool. Thank you for reading and commenting if you do <3 I'll just be over here in the corner playing with my favorite blorbos until things stop happening to me.

[variablejabberwocky]

I originally preordered your book as an ebook, but obviously I have to have the pretty physical version, so I guess I will have two copies.

(Also since you said you like DCC, I shared your book on a DCC server since it's Relevant and I hope they also buy a copy)

(Also also I think it's customary to come bearing gifts of cat pics, so here is former foster Pan making a benevolent face)

what the heck, he has such kind eyes....

[variablejabberwocky]

Thinking about when I worked at a shitty restaurant + one night it was just me + 3 other women on closing shift, so some guy came in the back and waved a knife around, presumably for money but I’m not actually certain, bc he was met with the bartender holding a much bigger knife, a tiny teenager wielding a cast iron pan, an elderly woman holding up a crockpot of clearly boiling water, and me, turning on the meat slicer with eye contact for maximum effect. He left, but the moral of the story is not girl power or whatever, it’s just. Why the fuck would you threaten a room full of underpaid and sleep-deprived blue-collar workers surrounded by lethal weapons.

[variablejabberwocky]

would you guys like to see a real illustration from an actual published scientific paper? of course you would

link to the paper

[variablejabberwocky]

it is honestly amazing how much of writing and editing is just. logistics. like... do i use a name here or a pronoun? if i move this dialogue tag to the middle of this line and break it in half, does the end of the line hit harder that way? what if i move the tag to the front? what if i remove it entirely? ...wait, whose point of view am i in; can i reasonably say this character is appalled, or must i say they look or seem or sound appalled? is this a deliberate action or a step-removed one; is her hand closing on his shoulder, or is she closing her hand on his shoulder? environment environment environment, we need to break all this dialogue up with some narration, the scene is coming untethered. what! are! they doing! with! the rest of their bodies that are not hands! fuck fuck fuck FUCK i forgot we covered this two chapters ago and now i either need to cut this whole chunk or find a reason to reprise the conversation from earlier. name or pronoun? name or pronoun? name or pronoun? move this clause around in this sentence? oh i'll add this phrase-- nope, never mind, past!me added the same phrase two lines down. okay, if i add too much environmental narration it's going to take away from this bit, but not enough and it won't feel grounded. what if i move this to its own line? where the FUCK are their hands?

[variablejabberwocky]

I fantasize about losing touch with my humanity

Please stop staring at me with those mycelium eyes

[variablejabberwocky]

req'd by @fox0war

hm. don't like that

text: clown ruffle but it can feel you

[variablejabberwocky]

put on that van helsing movie while getting some sewing done

is

is hugh jackman's default state just snarling at the camera and baring claws??

its giving laios barking at any given opportunity energy

[variablejabberwocky]

to give you an idea of how fried my brain is lately it took me 4 tries to get "lotr" right in my tags

went something like:

#lorg

nope

#lort

not even

#lrot

what the fuck

#lotr

THERE IT IS

and like I WAS CONCENTRATING! i was really focusing and trying! and it was still fucking up this bad

[variablejabberwocky]

(Thank you @theshitpostcalligrapher for taking my commission again)

[variablejabberwocky]

best typo ive ever made i think

reblog if you feep stupid

[variablejabberwocky]

Oh, okay. I see. You think this has nothing to do with you. You go to your closet and you select out, oh I don’t know, that gaslight gatekeep girlboss meme, for instance, because you’re trying to tell the world that you think modern feminism has been co-opted by corporations. But what you don’t know is that that meme is not from Instagram, it's not from Twitter, it's not from Tiktok, it’s actually from Tumblr. You’re also blithely unaware of the fact that in January 2021, Tumblr user missnumber1111 posted, "today's agenda: gaslight gatekeep and most importantly girlboss." And then I think it was a-m-e-t-h-y-s-t-r-o-s-e, wasn’t it, who reblogged it with an image of the phrase edited over a piece of "Live, Laugh, Love" wall art? And then gaslight gatekeep girlboss showed up in the feeds of eight different Twitter repost accounts. Then it filtered down through Instagram and then trickled on down into some tragic “alt side of Tiktok” where you, no doubt, fished it out of some clearance bin. However, that meme represents millions of notes and countless Tumblr users and so it’s sort of comical how you think that you’ve made a choice that exempts you from Tumblr when, in fact, you’re wearing the meme that was selected for you by the people in this room. From a pile of “stuff.”

[variablejabberwocky]

people talk about their writer friends stealing their weird habits or borrowing backstories but what you don't know is that we will steal your house. layout location garden colour scheme décor the whole lot. i have childhood friends with entire abodes immortalised in my stories. i have people i met once who would be able to recognise ancient six-month lease domiciles from a decade and a half ago. i'm in your house i'm in your blueprints and i am taking the lot.

[variablejabberwocky]

firm believe that not everything happens for a reason, sometimes things are just cruel. and they shouldn’t have happened and it’s not supposed to be a lesson because we never deserved such thing.

[variablejabberwocky]

WHAT is even the point of mind controlling a hero if it doesn't feel good. if you can't make them like it. if they don't learn to want it.