#but with mb you can just go read about that it's not a problem to me

[lostandbackagain]

I do not understand the mindset of "the co//smere eventually being so interconnected that you have to read older books before you can read newer ones is bad" because like cmiiw is that not how series usually work

[tojikai]

Sundered 9: RESOLVE

Pairing: Gojo x reader

• Part 1  |  Part 2   | Part 3 | Part 4 | Part 5 | Part 6 | Part 7 | Part 8 | Part 9 | Alt. Ending

Genre: Angst

tags/cw: angst, babydaddy!gojo, babymomma!reader, motherhood, insecurities, arguments, mentions of abortion

word count: 7.8k

a/n: sorry, it took so long. i had problems lol mb

You can’t remember at what point everything started going right but you’re not complaining.

 “I don’t think I can continue like this. I don’t think we should continue like this.” 

“Like what?” You looked up at him, a look of worry filling your wide eyes. He stared down at you with an expression you can’t read. You felt his hands trail beside you, before cupping your cheeks, kissing your lips softly. “Toji, was I not-” And he was quick to quell you

“No, Y/N. It’s not on you, stop putting everything on yourself, baby.” He hates that the first thing you think when something fails is your fault. He hates that he’s making you feel like you’re the only one who needs to put in the work. 

After your arguments, Toji’s been thinking that his emphasis on how you’re being pointlessly jealous of a dead person is why you think you’re the only one who has to make big adjustments. That’s probably why you think you have to put in the most effort to make this work.

“Then, what is it? I thought we were doing well, Toji.” The worried look on your face mixed with frustration as you took a step back from him, rubbing your face with your hands. “We are doing well, Y/N.” He was firm with his answer, and you know he’s telling the truth. But why? “We work so well together. But this isn’t the relationship we deserve.” He sighed.

“That doesn’t make sense, Toji.” You pursed your lips, emotions getting stronger. “If we work so well together, then how can you say that this isn’t what we deserve?” You sat on the bed, patiently waiting for an answer.

“We deserve to be in a relationship where we don’t have to remind ourselves how we should be constantly.” Toji mentally cursed himself for putting you in such a situation early in the morning but he doesn’t think he could sleep another peaceful night with everything in his mind. 

“Relationships are things that flow naturally, Y/N. You do not do things just because you have to, or just because somebody told you to do it. You shouldn’t feel like you have to remind yourself what to do.” He breathed heavily, sounding as if he’d been practicing this in his head for a while now. “Is that how you feel with me?” You tried him, only to get the question back.

“Is that not how you feel with me?” Your silence answered his question. There was a pool of hot liquid in your eyes that you wouldn’t allow to fall. He sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose. “Think of the strain that you’ve been putting on yourself, Y/N. Tell me you had not once thought of letting it all go even just for a second.”

A sob erupted from your throat; one that you didn’t see coming. It’s a thought you always choose to ignore because you really want to try hard for him, for this thing to work. Now, you understand when they say that sometimes it’s more painful to hold on than to let go.

As if getting burnt by holding on to a rope too tightly, hoping that the other end would stop pulling away.

But right now, Toji’s slowly being torn away from you. And you can’t do anything about this unbearable pain that feels like it could tear you apart; limb for limb. You realize that even if he doesn’t pull away, you’d still end up being hurt for this rope that you are holding on to is too far out of your reach. 

“Toji… I don’t know, I thought I found something good with you. And now it just felt like I’m losing all of it like I’m losing—” Toji quickly shushed you, hugging you ever so tightly to him and it scared you. It almost felt like he was letting you memorize the comfort of his body against yours because this was the last time you’d be feeling it.

“You’re not losing me, love.” He consoled you and though, you can’t express it, the words brought you comfort. “I just don’t think we’re meant to be in this setup but that doesn’t mean you’re losing me.” And just like that, the pain was back again.

“Do I not deserve it?” You asked him, almost flinching at your words when you promised yourself you’d never ask anyone that. Toji sighed, taking both of your hands and bringing them to his lips. “Not this. You deserve more than this. You deserve to be genuinely happy without sacrificing anything, without feeling spent.”

You can’t remember, or more like you chose not to carve into your memory how that day ended. The only image you can see in your head is how he cuddled you to sleep, woke you up to eat with him and the kids, and went home. You remember him saying that they could always visit. And you hated yourself for doubting him.

“Mama, look it.” You heard your baby talking to you as she showed you the screen of your phone. It was Toji. It surprised you that you weren’t crying, or hurting as much as you thought you would. Maybe it’s because of the reassurance that you received from him. 

And it’s not something like hoping that you’d be back together again but it’s more of a security that you didn’t just lose such a good man in your life; even as a friend. “Yeah?” You answered, pulling your toddler closer to you just as she started to move near the edge of the bed. “Just wanna know how you're doing.” 

You chuckled, finding it funny that your now ex is calling you, indirectly checking if you’re still crying. It’s normal for him to expect that kind of thing but the difference between this and other breakups is that you actually ended on good terms and with valid reasons, seeking only the best for each other.

“I am a bit ok, surprisingly.” You answered, you heard a sigh from the other end of the line and a tiny laugh from Megumi, probably watching something on his iPad. You looked at your daughter, thinking if she’ll start looking for her little friend tomorrow and how you’re going to handle that. 

“I’m sorry.” You rubbed your eyes, humming at his words. “This is for the best, I guess.” You spoke, remembering how you used to tell that to yourself when you found out that Satoru got himself a new girlfriend; throwing all his promises out the window and choosing to move forward away from you. 

“You know Yui can still come over for play dates, right?” He spoke as if reading your mind. Toji knows of your concern about this matter as you expressed it earlier to him. Yui has spent a lot of time with Megumi and you know how she is with him because he’s her real first close friend.

“I won’t mind if she’ll be dropped off by Satoruf, he could even accompany her with you guys. I won’t mind, really. I know Megumi will ask for Yui.” He laughed lightly, patiently waiting for your answer, only to receive a hum.

“Y/N, you’re free to make decisions now—” You know that he’s talking about your reconciliation with Satoru but to be very honest, that’s not in your mind right now. You might be yearning for that whole family, and you can see Satoru’s progress but that doesn’t mean you can just bounce back like that. 

“I don’t know, that’s not how I really feel, I think  I should focus on building myself as an independent person for now.” You pursed your lips and you could just imagine him nodding his head to your words. “It’ll happen if it’s meant to happen.” You know that Yui needs her father, and you know that if she could talk to you right now, she’d probably wish for the two of you to be together with her.

But you want to know if this thing you’re feeling for Satoru is real or if it’s only because you longed to give your daughter that fulfillment. It’s not a bad thing to want that for her but you don’t know if you can handle another heartbreak for rushing things. “I’ll just let things be for now.” You added, sighing deeply.  

The conversation with Toji went on for a couple of minutes before you said your goodbyes. You know it won’t be like this every night and that makes your chest squeeze but it’d only feel like forcing things if you asked him for that. You’ll move forward. Like you always do. Your child is growing and maybe it’s about time she learns something valuable from you.

—---------------------------------------

“Da!” The little girl squealed as her father entered your apartment. She got up and ran to him, almost tripping on one of her toys. “Careful. I’m not going away.” He picked her up, kissing her cheek. You closed the door behind you, rushing to kick away the things on the floor. It’s still a bit messy because you’re trying to get her ready for the day before you head to work.

“You’re early.” You spoke to him, watching them sit on the couch. “I’m…uh, cooking something. Have you had breakfast?” You bite your top lip as you turn away from them. “I had coffee.” Yui was trying to put a clip on his hair, laughing when she thought she got it done. “Come, eat with us, then.” You picked your daughter up, heading to the kitchen.

“Mama! ‘Gumi?” You put her in her chair, sighing lightly at the mention of her playmate. It has been almost three weeks and you still haven’t told Satoru about what happened with Toji and you. He’s not asking either, but you can tell he’s curious, eyeing you as he enters the small kitchen.

“He’s at daycare. Maybe next week, when Mama’s not busy, alright?” You spoke, placing the food in front of her, and pressing on the plate to make sure that it was stuck on the surface. “Haven’t seen them around.” Satoru cleared his throat, playing it cool as he didn’t want to seem like he was intruding into your “love life.”

“They, uh, they won’t be around so much anymore.” You put the plates on the table, tucking a hair behind your ear as you turned. Satoru pursed his lips, not wanting to pry any longer but the next sentence made his eyebrows raise. “We kinda…Toji and I broke up. So, if not for the kids, we won’t-“ 

“Since when?” If it was before Satoru would probably be thinking about how this is a chance for him but right now, as he sat on that kitchen table, all he could feel was worry. He thinks that you really love Toji and he became your rock during the times when your baby daddy’s acting up.

“Almost three weeks ago. It’s, uh, nothing too heavy. The relationship just became too much.” Satoru doesn’t know if it’s right for him to say “sorry.” He’s scared that it might break you and he doesn’t want to see you cry again. 

He made you cry many times and he hated himself for it. He can’t help but feel like any anger he might harbor towards Toji would be… invalid.  “I didn't think dating when you both already have kids would be so different than when you don’t.” You chuckled half-heartedly. 

“We just don’t think it could stand in the long run, so…” You shrugged, finally sitting down after you placed the glass pitcher on the table. You peeked at Satoru, attempting to read the expression on his face. 

“Look, I know Yui’s always been our priority but if you need a bit of time for yourself, you know you can leave Yui with me.” He cracked his knuckles, not sure of how to help you with this. “You should take a break from work, if you think that’s what you need, I will-“ You placed a hand on his arm, stopping him.

There’s not much he can offer that wouldn’t make it look like he’s trying to take advantage of the situation. That’s the last thing he wants you to think. He thought you were a bit gloomy during the past couple of weeks and assumed it was just a lover’s quarrel or something.

“Thanks. But it’s alright. We’re good, we’re just…not dating anymore.” You let out a laugh, retracting your hand away as you reached for the towel to wipe your daughter’s food-stained cheek. “Megumi and Yui still play together, I mean they’re besties now, right?” Yui giggled at the mention of her friend.

“That’s nice, he’s her first friend.” Satoru smiled genuinely. Aside from Yui’s occasional babbles, Satoru and you ate in silence. Eating together at your home is beginning to become a normal, regular thing now. And for some reason, it doesn’t worry you anymore. 

Getting Yui ready took a bit more time than it should have when she wanted her Dad to pick her clothes. Of course, none of you could say no. You quickly brought out your phone to take a photo of her and her father, holding hands as they stood before the clothes she took out of her drawer.

“It’s chilly. You can’t wear that.” You commented on the shirt she brought out. With a pout on her lips, she continued to pull on her clothes. “We’ll pair it with something. Yeah?” Satoru consoled her, earning a smile from the little girl. “I’ll make the two of you fold all of that.” You joked before turning to pick up a few scattered clothes. 

You checked her bag one last time, counting all the things she needed in your mind. You can hear her laughing as Satoru struggles to put on her boots. She is the happiest when he’s in the house. You fear that she’ll soon start asking about why her father lives in a different house, unlike most kids. 

“You don’t have to worry so much if she left something. We’ll probably be here tomorrow, you know how she is.” Satoru laughed, lifting the child. It’s true that even during the days when she’s supposed to be with her dad, she still asks him to see you. There was one time when they showed up at your work and everybody thought that you’re back together.

“It could be something important.” You sighed, leaning in to give your daughter a kiss. “Be good.” She nodded her head, wiggling her brows in the process, knowing that it never fails to make you laugh. Satoru can’t help but stare, statued by how close you are to each other; paralyzed by the fact that this could’ve been better if he never did what he did.

“Don’t forget the face creams at night, please.” You reminded him, stepping away as you locked eyes. “Of course.” He took the bag, walking towards the door with you trailing closely behind them. “Buh-bye!” She waved at you from her car seat. You watched as Satoru made sure it was locked before closing the door behind him.

“See you in a few days, Mama.” He spoke playfully, and you know that he’s just trying to say it for your daughter but it made your heart swell for some reason, a blush forcing its way to your cheek. This has been happening a lot with him, even when you were still with Toji. You tried to convince yourself that you were just “caught off guard.”

Work kept you busy for the whole day. It wasn’t long until you found yourself on your couch, smiling at the video Satoru sent you. Yui was holding an elephant bowl full of ice cream, focused on the movie playing on the screen. Their matching lilac pajamas made everything more adorable. After sending a reply, you put your phone down.

Days and weeks went by fast. Megumi and Yui played at the park together last week. You thought it’d be awkward but it was pretty much the same with Toji minus the intimacy. He was still chill to be with and he was still very caring towards you. And you admired him for all of it.

“I ran into them at the mall once. I think they went toy shopping.” He spoke, looking over at the kids as they struggled to understand how to make the seesaw work on their own. “Oh yeah, he mentioned that one time.” You replied, before giving a warning to your daughter who’s now so ready to climb the metal board.

Your mind went back to the image of Satoru coming in with boxes and bags, and a little kid trailing behind him, holding on to the hem of his jacket. He couldn’t even carry her because of everything but she was overjoyed, showing off her new stuff. 

“You can’t leave all that here. Her room isn’t big, Satoru.” You sighed, picking your daughter up, “You already have so many toys.” You reminded her but she wasn’t listening at all. “It’s alright, I’ll bring them to my house,” Satoru spoke as he put them on the couch. 

Sometimes you wonder if you’ll ever save up enough to get a bigger space for you and Yui. Satoru once brought it up, offering help but you don’t want that. You’re not together, so to you, being able to provide and improve on your own for your daughter is a goal. You trust that things’ll get better for you, even if you’re alone.

“You two working it out?” Toji's voice brought you out of your memory. You looked at him for a couple of seconds, and he just stared back at you, like he just asked the most normal question an ex could ask. “N-no. He’s not even trying, I mean he never even explicitly tried to show any hint. I doubt that any of us are thinking about that right now.” You rambled and he just nodded.

You didn’t mean to blurt out something like that so casually. But in all honesty, that made you more comfortable and less tense about all of this. He doesn’t make you feel awkward at all. He doesn’t make you feel like you’re stuck in your past with him. It’s almost as if he’s just been a friend, a very close one, all this time.

There was a moment of easy silence between the two of you. You can only hear the noises from the other kids and the two in front of you. But it wasn’t long until it was broken by Toji. “He loves you, you know?” You feel like even the sound of your breaths paused. “I’m not saying that you should force yourself to try again with him. I just want you to know that Satoru genuinely loves you.”

Thinking about it now, you realize that you and Toji never really talked like this about your relationship with Satoru before. It’s always just the problems and the past that you always claimed to be only bitter memories now. 

Toji leaned back on the chair, not caring if you were answering or not. He’s good at sensing the atmosphere, and you’re not in a way bothered by the topic. You were surprised to hear it from him, of course, but you don’t feel troubled at all. 

“Satoru and I had a talk once, just the two of us. I was expecting less from him due to how he treated you before.” He crossed his arms on his chest, eyes wandering as he recalled, “But he was so sure with his words, I was kind of taken aback.” He chuckled, and you wondered what his exact words were.

“No offense, but I feel like that was the only time I really looked at him as a man; a grown man.” He laughed, shaking his head in amusement. “I know 'cause I’ve been there.” He nodded, sounding softer and you just know who he’s thinking about. “The resolve; the determination in him even when he knows that it’s impossible.”

“He has to work on a lot of things. He’s got so much to reflect on.” You sighed, unsure of how to react, not because you rejected the information but because it got your heart drumming in your chest. “We gotta grow as individuals. And if we’re meant to be together, it’s…it’ll happen on its own.” You chuckled, swallowing dryly. 

You don’t know if that scares you or excites you for the future. But you know that it’s gonna be so much better than before.

—---------------------------------------

6 Months Later

“Mama why? Mama why?” You heard Satoru laugh loudly at your daughter's words. She’s been repeating the same words over and over since you started getting her ready. Her hair was up extra nice today and she’s staring at her gown hanging near the dresser.

“Mama whats go on? Huh, Mama?” She asked again, sending Satoru into another fit of laughter. “Baby, I’ve been saying. It’s Yui Day today. Your birthday.” You smiled at her kindly, securing the cute hair clips on her head. “I don’t think she’s fully taken any of this in.” Satoru sat on her bed, looking at the two of you.

Her grandfather volunteered to take care of the preparations at Satoru’s house. The helpers arrived early in the morning and Satoru left him there to pick the two of you up and to help get his little girl ready. You’re still in your house clothes and you’re not even a step closer to being ready. 

“Go take a shower, I got her.” Satoru arrived just as you were fixing Yui’s hair. “Okay, the shoes are over there. Put the headband on after the dress so it won’t mess up her hair.” You reminded him as you stood up. “Yes, Ma’am.” The little girl jumped towards him pointing at her dress. You stepped out and got ready as quickly as you can. 

You were supposed to wear the dress you bought the other week. It wasn’t much and you were worried that it might not look that good, especially with the guests that will come over. You didn’t want to look cheap but you wanted to save so you went for something that goes in the middle. 

To your surprise, when Satoru brought Yui’s gown and shoes, he got another set with him. You thought it was for some outfit change but he soon revealed, albeit shyly, that he thought the dress matched the theme of your daughter’s party so he got it for you. It was a designer dress and a pair of shoes. 

“I’d…I’ll pay for this, alright? I can’t just—” He cut you off with a close-lipped smile and a gentle sight. “Y/N, I know it’s hard to accept this but I already had lots of shortcomings with you and Yui. This doesn’t mean anything, don’t worry. I’m not trying to, you know, I just want you to feel your best during our daughter’s birthday.” He spoke, nervousness still clear in his voice.

“B-but you’re free to decline it if you don’t feel comfortable, sorry, I can take it back to the—” This time you cut him off with a laugh, “I’m sorry this is just so… expensive. I don’t know how to feel if I just openly accept it from you.” You placed the box on the table behind you, sitting down in hopes of changing the atmosphere. 

“Okay, then…just consider this as a gift since I, uh, failed to get you one on your last birthday.” He breathed out the last part as if it was a heavy feeling in his chest that he couldn’t push past his lips. It isn’t as heavy as it was to you though.

Your last birthday was painful to remember, probably the worst one you had ever since you were born even if you never had a big celebration your whole life aside from when you were with Satoru. Last year, your birthday was on the same day as Satoru’s co-parenting schedule. 

That time you were hoping that he and Yui would celebrate it with you. But that morning, he came in with Naomi. With hickeys peeking from his jacket, messy hair, and swollen lips, they picked Yui up. You remember your daughter babbling about “Mama day” in a much less understood baby talk that Naomi still caught.

“Oh, is it your birthday? She said ‘mama day’, right?” Her bright eyes shined at you, dimples showing as she smiled but it didn’t lessen the ache in your chest. “Oh, sorry. Happy birthday.” Satoru spoke, proceeding to take his daughter’s belongings. “We should’ve picked Yui up in the afternoon so, they could spend time together.” She suggested, laughing awkwardly.

“What time did you book the Children’s Museum trip?” Satoru halted, his back turned to you. You were about to interrupt, afraid that you were starting to look too pitiful for the lovebirds in front of you and your child. “It starts at 10:00.” She spoke, adjusting the toddler on her hip. “It’s 9:19.” Satoru read his watch, biting his lips with his eyebrows scrunched together.

“We can’t really leave her now, the Children’s Museum isn’t open every day. You can…uh—” He tried to think, turning to you but you can’t take it anymore. “N-no. It’s alright. You—Yui have fun, baby, alright? We’ll go out when you’re back home.” You waved at the child and her smile soothed you. Almost.

“Happy birthday, Y/N, sorry.” Naomi smiled, avoiding your eyes and you hated it. You hated that she felt sorry for you. You hated that they felt sorry for you. “Enjoy your day.” She added, turning around as she urged your daughter to wave again. “We’ll get going, sorry again. Happy birthday.” He spoke lowly, earning a fake smile and a nod from you.

You closed the door before you could even see him put his hand on her waist and guide them to his car. It was supposed to be. That should be the three of you. You wiped the stray tear that fell from your eyes with the back of your hand. That day, you stayed at home, slept until your mother came and brought food, and refused to tell her the story. 

That night you stayed awake, wondering how many falls a heart can take before it turns to dust, never to be recovered again.

“Done?” Satoru’s voice brought you back to reality. Your eyes flickered to the reflection of the door in the mirror. You were about to respond when the door burst open, and your child trudged in, almost falling as she squealed. “Mama! Pretty Mama!” She pulled at her skirt, turning. “Wow, lovely. You’re so beautiful, baby!” You cooed at her as she hugged your robe-covered waist.

“Dada put this. Dada! This!” You can tell how excited she is by how she shows off everything; from her headband to her anklets and shoes. She even shows it to her father even if he’s the one who dressed her up. You chuckled in amusement, all the pain numbed as your eyes focused on the present.

You looked over at Satoru who tries to look everywhere but you. Your hair’s still wet from the shower, and you’re still in your robe, all bare underneath and you can’t believe it took you this long to realize that. “You’re so pretty, how about we take pictures downstairs? Or with your toys?” He tried to convince her, wanting to give you time to dress up.

“Mama come!” She pulls at you, “Mama has to wear her pretty dress too, so you’ll be twins.” Satoru quickly picked her up, smiling at you as her daughter babbled excitedly, allowing him to distract her as he closed the door behind them. You turned to look at yourself in the mirror once more, drying your hair quietly.

Thinking back on what Toji said, you can’t just believe them after everything Satoru has done.

—---------------------------------------

You can feel Satoru’s light touch as the three of you pose for the final picture of the day before the party ends. It has been such a long day. Yui happily walked around, clapping at the guests when they sang her a birthday song; quite the opposite of what you thought would happen. You and Satoru received a lot of statements and questions as you were greeting the visitors too.

“Oh, you’re back together again, that’s great!” His aunt said to which he quickly answered with a chuckle, “I’d love that, but no.” You smiled at the old lady, thankful for the understanding face rather than pushing.

“I knew you’d be back to Y/N!” His cousin winked at you, raising a fist bump which you couldn’t really reject. Satoru nodded his head, glancing at you awkwardly at how loud the man was being  “When did you guys get back together?” He elbowed him like he was so sure of the information. 

“We’re not…really back together. We’re…This is co-parenting.” Satoru took Yui from you. “Say hi.” And that’s how he changed that topic. He met Yui once when she was a baby and to say that he was mesmerized by how much she looked like Satoru now is an understatement. “How did you manage to turn yourself into a little girl.” He and Satoru laughed and you excused yourself to greet some of your relatives who attended. 

“I would be mad but, oh well, anything that makes that little doll happy.” Your grandma sighed, smiling as she hugged you. “We’re not back together. I’ll bring her here in a bit.” You muttered, pulling at your dress. “That’s a nice dress you have, it looks expensive, honey.” Your mother complimented.

“Yeah, Satoru got it…f-for me. So, uh, we could match the theme. He organized this.” You smiled nervously, worried at how her eyebrows raised. “I’ll be back, Mom.” You added with a little wave before going back to Satoru and Yui who were now looking at you in distress as she got taken by Satoru’s friend.

“Don’t take him back.” was Shoko’s first words to you as you reached them, making the whole table and you laugh. “Stop it.” Satoru grunted, “Give me my kid back if you’re going to be like that.” He rolled his eyes playfully before meeting yours. “He’s still far from that.” You replied, making them laugh again. Satoru knows that you aren’t joking at all.

It’s funny how the people around you have different views regarding reconciliation with him. And you, you don’t want to think of it. Or more like you’re scared to think of it. 

Because you fear that deep in your heart, you still yearn for all of it.

“Yui!” A voice called and when you turned around it was Megumi in his cut little outfit that almost matched Yui’s dress. “Oh gosh, you’re so cute ‘Gumi!” You cooed, hugging the little boy. He would look down at his shirt and back at you as if to show it off. Your eyes wandered around for Toji and you found him speaking to your Mother. You smiled as he waved at you.

“I didn’t see you guys come in.” You spoke as you got close to them. “Sorry, we’re a bit late. He wanted to get another gift.” Toji laughed, nodding at Megumi’s direction who was now walking towards your table with Satoru and Yui. “Thanks for coming.” Satoru encouraged, a little awkwardly.

“Megumi wouldn’t miss his best friend’s birthday.” Toji reached over to fix his son's clothes. You stayed for a bit to talk with Toji and your mom, Satoru took the kids to the photo booth to play with the other kids at the party. 

And now you’re walking the last few of the helpers out the door, thanking them for the smooth flow of the event. Yui already fell asleep on Satoru’s shoulder, just like her little friend. Toji went home with a sleepy Megumi who refused to get carried by his dad and insisted on walking despite the constant stumbling.

Thanking Satoru’s Dad before he heads home, he gives the two of you a piece of advice: “I hope you two are not thinking too much of what to do with what you have.” You both didn’t know what to say. You don’t even get it at first but when he spoke again, it all made sense.

“It will happen if it’s meant to happen. Like before. When you were blessed with this angel.” He softly stroked Yui’s cheek, chuckling when her nose twitched. “Well, that’s all. You’re both doing just great. Satoru, stop worrying about the things with your mom. Leave that to me.” With that, he bid goodbye and left. 

You had to stop yourself from being too curious about what happened with Satoru and his mother. All that you know is that he broke up with Naomi and you thought that she probably tried to stop him, of course. What’s bugging you is the fact that his father had to comfort him about it. Would it be too much to ask?

“Let’s go inside.” He ushered, adjusting his daughter in his arms and patting her head as she wiggled a little before going back to sleep. “I’m glad we hired helpers. I don’t think I can handle cleaning after all of that.” He laughed, carefully sitting on the couch. “I don’t know how celebrities do meet and greets. I feel so drained.” You agreed sitting down on the loveseat.

“I can’t believe she’s three now. It’s like she was still so tiny a few months ago.” His whispers were low; gentle. You could hear all the love in his voice and the tired yet contented look on his face as he gazed lovingly at his child. She could be getting a sibling now, but you fucked around. You caught yourself thinking, biting your lip at the realization of how silly you’re being.

After a short conversation, Satoru decided to put her in her bed. You’re sure that she’ll be awake in an hour or two. You agreed to stay the night here since you considered that Yui might want to open her gifts by the end of the party. She already opened some earlier due to curiosity but got distracted multiple times and ended up forgetting about them. 

“Oh, shit.” You whispered, rummaging through the baby bag with her feet on your lap. You were trying to clean her a little but you ran out of wipes and you forgot to put the extra pack due to the rush this early morning. You carefully placed her feet down to get up and find Satoru. You saw him in his front yard, putting away some things that had been used earlier.

“Does she have wet wipes here? The one in her bag ran out.” You asked him, stepping out of the house. “Yeah, it’s in my bedside drawer, do you mind getting it?” He spoke, carrying a foldable table to the other end of the yard, “Okay.” You found his bedroom door ajar and let yourself in.

Did he specify which one? There are two bedside tables. You went to the closest one, opening the first drawer. You knew you were looking for the wipes and that’s why you came here, you mentally noted that anything in here does not concern you and thus, must not be meddled with. 

But right now you’re staring at the brown envelope with a hospital address and a name with the  “MD, OB-GYN” title plastered on it. You don’t have to have a degree to understand that. You can feel your heart slowly picking up a pace as you think of all the possible meanings of it.

Was Naomi pregnant and they decided to abort it? Did Satoru make her do it? What if he made her do it because of the fact that he still wants to be with you? You can’t really do anything if that’s why but it makes you feel…accountable. Is this why they broke up on bad terms that even his mother doesn’t want to see him anymore?

The envelope was staring back at you and you can’t help but feel like touching it; opening it. You can get your answer right now if you just read what’s inside this quickly. You won’t have to think about all of this anymore. The voice in your head silenced the approaching footsteps and the sound of Satoru’s voice calling your name.

A shadow was cast upon you and the paper. You looked up to see Satoru staring at the envelope with slightly wide eyes. He quickly closed the cabinet, swallowing as he avoided your eyes. “Sorry, I forgot to mention.” He moved away to get the wipes from the other drawer. “It-it’s here.” He walked quickly, urging you to get moving. “Let’s go before she wakes up—”

“What was that, Satoru?” You don’t care how this made you sound as you grabbed his arm preventing him from leaving the room. He wouldn’t have reacted that way; he wouldn’t have disregarded the matter if it wasn’t something to be hidden. Why did he look so alarmed that you saw it? Like you’re not supposed to know about it.

“It was an old test, I forgot to throw it away.” He rasped, staring at your lips; staring everywhere but your eyes. “I know how to read. The date it was delivered shouldn’t be far from the day the test was done, right?” You half blinked, breathing in as you told yourself to calm down. You don’t know how you’d feel if he told you that’s none of your business. 

“Was Naomi pregnant when you broke up with her?” Your voice was a bit more steady, “No.” He sounded small and you could tell that whatever was going on inside his head wasn’t easy to verbalize. “Then, what’s there to hide about it?” You don’t need him to tell you, you could tell that you weren’t supposed to see that.

“I fear that I might be getting a little too overconfident about your feelings for me but—” You lowered your eyes, embarrassed at how that sounded and a bit thankful for being cut off. “She was never pregnant. Sh-she tried…while I was intoxicated. I got her examined.” Satoru rambled, obviously triggered by your words. 

“She what?” You looked at him, brows furrowed and eyes wide, finding it hard to believe the assumption in your head. “I got drunk. She…she tried to…” He walked towards that drawer, pulling out the envelope and the paper inside. 

“Y/N, read it. I couldn't… I didn’t want to tell you. I didn’t want to vent about this to you because that’s all I’ve been doing, I just want to give you all the good now. I’ll try, Y/N, I promise.” At this point, you don’t even know what he’s trying to explain to you but the welling tears in his eyes and the coldness of his fingers against your skin was enough to pull you to him.

The papers were dropped to the floor as you held him to you. His head was bowed down as he cried on your shoulder as if this was the first day he was allowed to cry about this; as if this was the first time he could hold on to someone while the fear, anger, and shame tore him to pieces.

He held onto you as he sobbed his heart out after holding it all in for so long.

He doesn’t deserve this. No matter what he did or said, Satoru doesn’t deserve this. After everything, you can see how much he’s trying. Despite not being promised anything, he’s giving his all. It wouldn’t be easy to forget and it won’t be easy to trust. But the love you feel for this man comes too naturally to be contained.

“You didn’t deserve that…” You hushed him, hearing him blame himself was shattering. Does his mother know? Why did she disappear as well? What really happened? “Satoru, what happened with your Mom?” His breath hitches. The grown man in the room is now in the form of a child, looking for a hand to hold.

“She knew about it.” His cheeks were wet and his eyes bloodshot as he looked up, running his fingers through his hair. You thought there was something wrong that day. But you didn’t think it could be this bad. “I’m sorry, Y/N. I didn’t want to ruin this day, this is our baby girl’s day, I shouldn’t have-“

“Satoru, don’t talk like that. That’s beyond your control.” His breaths were shaky. You doubt that even his closest friends knew about this. “My dad and I placed a restraining order against them. I can’t look at those people the same way anymore.” His eyes were closed as he took a deep breath.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t think about what you’d feel or think if you accidentally found out…like now. I should’ve explained earlier.” He was referring to your assumptions earlier. “I know it’s hard. I’m sorry, I jumped to conclusions.” You don’t know how long the two of you were staring into each other’s eyes but a voice took you out of the little world that you share. 

“Mama…” A cute, sleepy voice called out from outside of the bedroom. “I’ll get her. Calm your mind, Satoru. It’s over. We’re here.” You have no idea how big of an impact those words had on Satoru. He almost wanted to cry again, to pull you close and cry to you again. 

To see your back walking out of this bedroom door, but this time with the promise of being on the other side, waiting. 

He sat there for a few more minutes, releasing all the heaviness in his chest before getting up to wash his face. Leaning on the doorframe of his daughter’s room, he saw you putting on her little sweaters as you sat barefoot on the floor. “Gumi sing me.” The child spoke with enthusiasm. “He did? What did he sing?” You encouraged, fixing her clothes. 

“Can you sing me a song too?” He interrupted, walking in to sit down with you. It was all it took for Satoru to forget what happened earlier. Eating at home with the two of you always feels like an answered prayer. After that, you helped the child open her gifts until way past her sleeping hours.

Walking you to the guest room felt like the first time you lived together; awkward yet heartwarming. Of course, no boundaries were crossed. He wouldn’t try. And you won’t allow it. At least he got to wish you a good night and sweet dreams again.

—---------------------------------------

Days, weeks, and months went by fast. It’s already been 4 months since Yui’s birthday and now you’re walking with her and Satoru at a grocery store. “Yui, this is for the stuff we will buy, this is not a stroller.” You explained as she tried to get Satoru to put her in the pushcart. 

He wasn’t supposed to be with you here but it’s Yui’s pick-up day and you decided that you need to get some stuff. Satoru asked if he and Yui could join you since he doesn’t have anything planned except for an early movie night with his little girl. “You’re not a little baby anymore.” She hit Satoru’s chest as he pouted teasingly at her.

“Hey. We don’t hit.” You talked to her sternly, making her put her head on her father’s chest, whispering an almost inaudible apology. “Satoru, do not let her hit you, she’ll get used to doing that.” You reminded him, knowing that he can’t ever scold his baby girl.

“Yes, Ma’am.” He replied absentmindedly, bouncing the kid in his arms to get her to laugh. These days, you’ve been getting comfortable with things like this. You’ve been getting comfortable with compliments like “Oh you make cute babies” from old people who take a liking to your daughter.

You’ve been getting comfortable with Satoru pushing the cart for you as you look for what you need, reaching for the items on the top shelf, carrying your bags for you, and driving you home as you sit in the passenger seat.

Like right now.

“Her sleeping schedule got a lot better when she changed her vitamins, yeah?” You responded to Satoru with a hum as you chewed on your fries, handing a piece to your daughter as she kicked on her car seat. “Her doctor recommended that. I’m glad it works, she used to get up so early.” The car stopped in front of your apartment.

“Would you like to stay? I’ll be cooking.” You won’t deny that this isn’t the first time you asked, “I’d love to stay.” And this isn’t the first time he agreed. You don’t know why but you didn’t budge from the passenger seat, knowing that Satoru was rushing to open the door for you. You went to your baby and took her inside, not worrying about your things and the groceries you bought.

You can’t remember the last time it felt awkward with Satoru lying on your couch with your daughter. You also can’t remember how he had a pair of spare house slippers for him here. Walking past the fridge, you saw a photo of Yui and Megumi from their recent pool party. 

Satoru came to pick you and Yui up but you ended up staying for another hour. You can’t remember when Toji and Satoru shed a noticeable amount of awkwardness around them. At one point, you even heard them talking about business like they didn’t try to rip each other’s heads off when they first met. 

You can’t remember at what point everything started going right but you’re not complaining.

“Where’s her choccy-juice?” Satoru mimicked Yui’s words, laughing. “I told her we were about to eat in a few minutes but she won’t listen.” Taking the chocolate milk from the fridge, he stood beside you to fulfill his daughter’s request. “She’s not supposed to have a lot of that.” You sighed, “I’ll just let her have a taste so she’ll stop.” His voice sounded so much softer now.

“Dada!” She came running to the kitchen, holding onto Satoru’s leg as she tried to have a peek at what you were cooking. “Wanna see? Here’s your choccy.” He lifted her, letting her hold the sippy cup as they watched you cook. “Hmm…” Both you and Satoru can’t help but laugh at her reaction. 

You don’t know if it’s because a lot of things happened but they all feel like distant memories; some of which you can’t even clearly see in the back of your mind. Satoru felt like a new man and along with this, the pain of your past continuously fades away each time you see his face. 

You don’t want to name the feeling yet but, you know that all that’s meant to happen will happen. 

Like it did when you had Yui. Like it did when you got sundered. Like it did when you tried with different people. Like it does now, as you slowly, steadily fall back together.

PREV | ALT. Ending

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[elexuscal]

Ficlet prompt idea! Interactions between ART and Pin-Lee and/or Mensah in the time after NE but before SC.

More thoughts if you wanted more inspiration than a single line. Does Pin-Lee teach ART some new curses ('cause ART curses alot more in this book, and I wanna blame Pin-Lee like how Rhatti mentions the overlap between MB and Pin-Lee's curse vocab)? How great would their banter be, lawyer vs know-it-all-AI?!

Is ART still kinda shy/excited by meeting Mensah?

Thank you~ I really love your work!!!

Awwww thank you very much!

Oh man i was so spoiled for choice here but i really really struggled to think of an interesting take on this

Big thank you to @specialagentartemis who i paraphrased a significant chunk of this from as well as general Vibes

Asshole vs Asshole

So here's the thing. Here's the fucking thing, okay?

Twenty-three days. Twenty-three fucking days of waiting, of worrying, of preparing. Of nearly chewing her own arm off. Of thinking she was walk into a fucking blood bath.

And the Preservation Alliance rescue team finally gets to the scene of the crime, and no one is dead. Which is fucking good, obviously. Okay. She gets it. No one's dead, no one's lost any limbs, and praise the dark gods of yesteryear, no one has even been kidnapped. This is literally better than the best-case scenarios they concocted.

But surely, surely, Pin-Lee can't be the only one who thinks it is fucking weird to be having tea with the person who did the kidnapping in the fist place?

"Thank you, Perihelion," Ayda says, as a shiny blue drone finishes pouring tea into a cup. Just a whiff and a glance is all Pin-Lee needs to know it was brewed exactly the way Dr. Mensah prefers it.

The drone turns to hover to her. It pours a drink into her own mug. Pin-Lee glares at it.

Ayda doesn't look at her, doesn't so much as tilt her head. But they've worked together for a long, long time now, and Pin-Lee nonetheless reads the subtler body language. She grinds out, "Thank you."

She sips the drink. It is coffee and it is extremely bitter and it's warm-but-not-quite-hot and Pin-Lee has a sneaking suspicion it is at least a few hours old.

[You're welcome~] Perihelion's trills as the drone zooms away.

Peri. Fucking. Helion.

Turns out, it's the one that orchestrated this whole thing. The super-secret advanced spaceship that SecUnit apparently befriended while it was off on its journey of self-discovery or whatever decided that it knew exactly who could handle its little pest control problem, and hadn't much cared which innocent civilians got stuck in the cross-fire.

"There were extenuating circumstances," SecUnit had explained, face set like it was ready for a fight.

"It's all fine, water under the bridge," Ratthi had said. "No harm done really."

"Except for the new layers of fresh trauma," Overse had groused.

"But we're handling that, too," Arada had said, with a too-bright smile. "And it's a good thing we're here to help the colonists."

"Yeah yeah and you should see ART's hydroponics bay, it's super cool," said Amena, tugging on her arm.

So suffice to say she was kind of getting some Mixed Signals about this whole thing.

But okay! Corporates descending to steal the livelihoods of hundreds of innocents! Fine! There's a lot at stake! And this is what Pin-Lee is good at, and (sort of) what she was dragged along to handle, so she is willing to put this all aside for the greater good.

Pin-Lee sips at her under-handed-insult coffee and reads over the legal feed documents of this whole cluster-fuck of a case. "Okay," she says at last. "Okay, this is salvageable. But I'm going to need to some more info before I can fully revise this.."

"Of course," says the captain of The Perihelion, a note of genuine relief in his otherwise professional voice. "What do you need?"

"1: A full list of all the symptoms associated with the contamination, and its speed of spread. That'll influence what level of breach this is classified under. 2: Estimates for all of the colonists deaths that were directly caused due to their being stranded. 3: Monetary evaluation of all the colonists' remaining assets..."

"Of course," the captain agrees

Which is fine. Except fifteen minutes later some teenager not-much-older-than-Amena shows up and hands Pin-Lee a stack of paper.

"What's this?" Pin-Lee says, her eyes immediately skidding off of the hand-written tables and charts.

"That's our evaluation of the colonists' assets, like you asked for," the teenager (Turi?) says.

Pin-Lee looks at Turi, to the papers, and back at Turi again. "Can I get this in the feed?"

"Well.... You can..." Turi says, a bit of red in their cheeks. "But..."

"But no guarantee the numbers won't be doctored there," calls Karime from the other side of the lounge.

Teeth grinding in the back of her mouth, Pin-Lee manages, "What?"

[My numbers are perfectly accurate,] Perihelion protests. [It is hardly my fault if none of you are capable of following the calculations.]

Martyn snorts. "It would help if you bothered explaining all your sources."

[Find them yourself.]

Pin-Lee can barely believe what she's hearing. "Are you telling me... that your AI keeps fucking with the numbers so bad that you need to get a teenager to do the accounts by hand."

"I'm not a teenager, I'm twenty-three." Pin-Lee huffs; as if that's a meaningful difference. "And I'm a very, very good accountant." Turi pauses, then admits, "But that's the long and short of it, yes."

Pin-Lee can't help it. She drops her head to the table and hides it under her arms.

[Do you have a problem with this state of affairs?] the very aptly re-named Asshole Research Transport oozes in her private feed.

[You really don't need me to answer that.]

[You're right. I don't.]

She uncurls her finger and makes a rude gesture. Presumably one of its thousands of cameras will see it.

That summons SecUnit into the conversation. [Are you two fucking with each other again?]

[No,] they say in unison.

[Cut it out,] SecUnit says, and then drops away. Truly a master of conflict resolution, that one.

'I'll cut it out when you learn to make nicer friends', she almost sends, but catches the obvious come-back and stops herself. Instead she takes sip of her shitty coffee and gets to work trying to interpret hand-written accounts.

[sirfrogsworth]

Wishlist Haul

All I asked for were pants, and those are coming Saturday. But you all came through in a big way with my wishlist and helped me solve some problems that have really been bugging me lately.

One of my biggest current issues is my decision to use my M1 MacBook Air as my main computer until I can move my PC upstairs at some distant time in the future. Which means I need to ask a lot more of it. And it is capable, as these Apple Silicon devices are amazing and very zippy, but I only got 256 GB of storage because I thought this would just be a secondary computer while I was taking care of my dad.

So I need storage. And if you do photography and use Lightroom, you know you need *fast* storage. In the days of spinny disc drives, going back and forth between images was maddeningly slow. I already hate the process of culling photos and picking the best ones. And sometimes you'd need to find 5 winners out of a few hundred. And when it took 3 seconds to switch between every photo, I wanted to die. And honestly, it could still be better.

But one of the best solutions is a super fast SSD. Which I had. I bought it right before my parents got especially ill and was planning to install it in my PC. But my priorities changed and I just never found the energy.

The problem is that was an internal NVME SSD. I needed it to be external.

Which is where this little thingie comes in.

This is an NVME enclosure, and if you are looking for cheap, fast external storage, this is so much better than those external SSDs they overcharge for. For $200 they give you a 2TB drive that can read about 2000 MB per second. Or you can get a 2TB NVME and this enclosure for the same price and get 3000 MB per second. Not only that, but it is upgradeable. In a year when 4TB is $100, you can plop that in. And the Mac's Thunderbolt 4 has a max speed of around 5000 MB/s, so there is room to improve there as well. Though sometimes advertised speeds are not reality speeds.

The only thing you need to be aware of is these drives run hot. You're going to think there is something wrong with them. Like, they top out at 90C. Which is nearly 200 degrees in freedom units.

I wanted a convenient way to mount my drive, but I didn't want 200 degrees on the back of my screen, so... MAGNETS!

And I can stack a few more if that section starts feeling too hot.

So, I have that problem solved. I can now use this as my main computer and work on my photography.

Next up... fashion!

I'm going out more and I want to look a little more presentable. I thought these two tone shirts looked a little more fashionable. And they are very comfortable too. I have a red one that I think I'm going to wear on my trip. I know you can't see the two tone well in the picture, so here is the product photo of the red one.

Next problem?

Well, it's maybe not a problem so much as something cool I wanted. A black light!

My mom had all of this uranium glass and I had no idea my salt shaker was marginally radioactive all these years. I really wanted to take a proper photo of some of the glass before it all gets sold at auction. So this should be a fun experiment.

I will say, if you don't have uranium glass, don't get a black light. You will want to burn your house down. It does not matter how clean you think you got something... you didn't clean it enough. And I have all of this dry flaky skin on my feet. It doesn't hurt. It doesn't bother me. You can't even really see it unless you look really close. But when I shined the light on my feet they looked like they had some undocumented disease. I will not be sharing a photo of that.

But the depression glass, that's super neat.

Some proper photos coming soon I hope. Maybe after my trip.

Next problem!

My key fob. This thing is a piece of shit.

Even if it looks cool under a black light, it is THE WORST.

It's cheap plastic, it takes a stupid watch battery, the symbols on the buttons all wore off. And all of that I could handle, but for some reason this fob has an effective range of about 2 feet. I literally have to be standing next to the door before it will work.

I had a black fob that worked much better, only the plastic casing was falling apart. But I taped it up as best I could and hoped it would not fall apart. Then I went to get my tires changed and they needed the fob to do some special reset of the pressure sensors and the battery died before they could. I went home to try and change the battery, and the entire thing basically disintegrated on me.

The inside looks like this.

The battery retention contact is held on by a tiny dab of solder. And if you pull the battery up even a little, it snaps off. And that's what happened. And to make matters worse, the rubber buttons were falling apart and the unlock button just... fell off.

So I was either stuck with the 2 foot range green one or I needed a new fob. Thankfully, they are only 20 bucks for 2 on Amazon. Unfortunately you need a dealer or an auto locksmith to program them. The lowest quote was $100 for about 5 minutes of work. The dealer actually wanted to sell me the fob as well, which they quoted as $150 for ONE. Same cheap plastic piece of shit and everything.

So, I got all of the parts from the broken fob and I hot glued that battery contact back into place and I transplanted that into a shiny new casing.

Works just like new. The buttons feel much better, I can actually see the symbols, and it has a range of at least 100 feet. And that hot glue isn't going anywhere. Changing the battery might be an issue, but these lasted several years.

Next problem!

An intervalometer is a fancy shutter button for a camera that allows very long exposures. It is detached from the camera so you don't shake anything and it needs a backlit screen because if you are using it, you are most likely in the dark.

My intervalometer is about 12 years old and uses another dreaded watch battery. And the backlight on the screen seems to be dead. So it is pretty much useless.

But look at this!

The light even works in the... well, light! And it takes normal batteries. Seriously, watch batteries need to stay in watches.

I don't know if I will get to take a long exposure in Florida, but I want to have this with me in case I do.

Next problem!

This one I actually solved on my own. But I found these stainless iron (yes, iron!) shims and I covered them with black tape and now all of my most used kitchen items never take up counter space.

Yes, I use magnets and hot glue to solve most of my problems.

Next problem!

My garage door is not very smart. And the remote control for it is huge and does not fit in my man purse.

So I downsized the remote.

But I wanted to fix the non-smart thing as well. A while back my brother got into my garage without me knowing. He must have taken a remote of his own. And I really don't feel like figuring out how to change the frequency, so I now have a sensor that lets me know when the door is open with a phone notification. Beyond that, I can open or close the door from my smartphone from anywhere. And I can give access to anyone with a smartphone in case of an emergency.

I will say, this company is really paranoid about people being crushed by garage doors. The instructions tell you to put up this sign in your garage...

And if you use the app to close the door, you get a light show with annoying beeping...

And I know that these accidents happen in real life. But whenever I think about how that could actually happen, all I can imagine is that scene in Austin Powers...

In any case, I am really glad I have this now. And I also like that if I forget to close the garage door, I can check the app and not have to get up to do it.

OH! I almost forgot. If I want, I can have Amazon place packages inside my garage.

Next problem!

What in the heck do I need galvanized steel plates for?

In product photography you need a diffusion panel called a scrim. If you try to buy one of these already made, they are hundreds of dollars. They are mostly made for movie productions, and those items always have inflated costs.

So most product photographers make their own out of tracing paper or a special plastic called Translum. It's $80 per roll, but lasts forever. I used to hang my scrims from the ceiling. But you can't really angle or move them, so you have to move the object you are photographing instead. Which is just a backwards way to work. So I invented my own scrims with two strips of very thin wood, metal chip clips, these little plastic feet that held up plexiglass barriers during COVID. And to weigh everything down... steel plates.

This is version 1.0 where I glued the plastic rather than affixing it with the chip clips.

The clips work much better and allow me to put different weights of plastic on, or even double plastic, for more or less diffusion. And I ended up not needing that board at the bottom which allows me to curve it as well.

And these scrims let me take this photo...

It's called graduated lighting and it makes things look neat.

I also got a backpack for my trip and shorts, but I am going to forego an explanation of those.

To all that helped, thank you so much. I hope you can see I am putting everything to good use.

[copperbadge]

Radio Free Monday

Good morning everyone, and welcome to Radio Free Monday!

Ways to Give:

personalmoshiakh's physician has been obstructing their access to gender affirming surgery, and his wait time for top surgery within the NHS is only getting longer; he's also unable to get a loan for privately funded top surgery. He's raising money to try and fund the surgery himself. You can read more and give at GoFundMe here.

the_rainbow_jen's colleague Madison is struggling with immense medical debt due to gender affirmation surgery; you can read more and give at GoFundMe here.

joseph-lavode's sister has recently gotten a good job after a long stretch of unemployment or underemployment and just as things were stabilizing, a number of expenses came up unexpectedly in the same week, including car problems, plumbing, and water heater issues, to the point she is in danger of losing her home. You can read more and give at GoFundMe here.

Anon linked to a couple of posts about the recent fire which is devastating Maui; unavernales has a links list here and metalheadsforblacklivesmatter has a links list here, both rebloggable, of places you can give to provide aid.

thegeeksqueaks is a teacher fundraising to provide support for her queer and neurodivergent students, both in class and in the student-organized GSA and D&D clubs she sponsors; as with many teachers she is already supplying a lot for her classrooms out of her own budget but needs help to go the extra mile. You can read more and reblog here, give directly at paypal here, or purchase items from the classroom Amazon wishlist here.

News to Know:

MB linked to a study by Northwestern University regarding LifeSkills Mobile, an HIV prevention app for "trans women and nonbinary femmes". If you are eligible and join the study, they provide you either with the app or with information about HIV prevention, and ask you to complete an online survey and a mouth swab HIV test at home every 6 months for up to 4 years. You can opt out at any time, and can receive up to $250 for your help.

Recurring Needs:

Anon linked to a fundraiser for dee-the-red-witch, a trans woman who needs to raise $10K to keep her home. You can read more, reblog, and find giving information here, give via paypal here, or purchase her leatherwork here.

Anon linked to a fundraiser for littlefluffbutt, who is facing homelessness with two daughters due to a predatory loan and support falling through; the house has received a stay of auction, but the family still needs to raise funds to keep it. You can read more and reblog here or support the fundraiser here.

Anon linked to a fundraiser for maximumsunshine, who has just received life-saving surgery but is behind on rent, bills, and food until their first paycheck comes in at the end of the month. You can read more and reblog here, or support them via patreon or via paypal.

And this has been Radio Free Monday! Thank you for your time. You can post items for my attention at the Radio Free Monday submissions form. If you're new to fundraising, you may want to check out my guide to fundraising here.

[ineedlelittlespace]

for the ask game: ratthi murderbotdiaries?

Send Me a Character

Oh, Ratthi, my beloved...🥰

First impression

Like a lot of us, I only had eyes for Murderbot the first time I read ASR---the human team absolutely got shoved to my mental backburner while I was busy relating to MB. In the five seconds I did spend thinking about Ratthi, it was mostly in a "oh, so this is going to be the problem child, huh?" way when he almost walked outside into the worm's mouth.

Impression now

I love him, your honor.

But also, he is an all-around delightful human being. There's a kindness and an earnestness to his character that is just so endearing you can't help but like him, especially when you layer in the fact that he's excellent at his job, great at adapting to high-pressure situations on the fly, and has the people skills to successfully navigate the absolutely wild interpersonal interactions that the series keeps throwing at him.

Favorite moment

That whole sequence in Fugitive Telemetry where he and Gurathin drop everything to help Murderbot do some light breaking and entering. It feels like the equivalent of an errand hang-out, but if your bestie spends its spare time solving murders rather than picking up dry cleaning and going to Target. I love the implication that this is just what they do now, once Murderbot has settled into the group. Friends help friends with projects, right? So, obviously, Ratthi is going to help in whatever way he can.

Idea for a story

I kind of want to do more of his PoV for various scenes throughout the series. He's present for so many of the juiciest scenes---there's a lot to work with!

Also, it might be fun to do something with his friendship with Arada and Overse, perhaps with some backstory on their first meetings and how they moved from colleagues to besties.

Unpopular opinion

In all honesty, I don't feel like there's too much pressure re: popular vs. unpopular opinions in the Murderbot corner of the internet. The only thing that comes to mind with Ratthi is that I think we tend to...soften him a little too much sometimes. There's a tendency to focus mostly on his skill as a people person or a friendly face, not necessarily on the fact that if he wasn't so good at his actual job, he probably wouldn't be on Mensah's team. We see him tackle gory jobs like cleaning up the battle aftermath on ART in Network Effect, we see him jump into helping with medical emergencies, and in Fugitive Telemetry, he immediately identifies that "someone was dead here" when they come upon the scene of the murder because the physical signs are obvious to a biologist. As far as the humans of the series go, Ratthi is very capable!

Favorite relationship

Aside from the obvious friendship with Murderbot itself, I really do love that he's best friends with Arada and Overse. I love that these three stuck together for the next survey to follow the disastrous events of ASR. I love that their friendship is so obvious and loud that even Book One Murderbot could immediately point it out. I just really like seeing healthy platonic friendships (especially ones that coexist with and do not compete against healthy romantic ones involving some of the same characters), okay?

Favorite headcanon

The infamous "Who's this?" line from ASR was a full-on my-brain-is-short-circuiting-and-my-mouth-got-ahead-of-my-mind moment, not necessarily an ah-yes-a-stranger-to-be-introduced moment.

[sainamoonshine]

Oh good so now I’ve graduated to having feelings about Rogue Protocol again

(I was just going to go to Fugitive Telemetry in this relisten, just for the novelty of doing things ~chronologically, but then I started the book and the vibes were off. That’s just not where this novella is positioned in the reading order in my brain ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ so I’ll get to it after Network Effect as the release order intended)

Anyway so I’m at this part where Amena and MB just entered ART’s airlock and MB is freaking out about this really being ART, and Amena asks what’s wrong, and MB realizes that it can’t answer in a way that she would understand because it never told anyone about ART.

There is no other person in the universe at that moment that knows who ART is to MB. None lf its friends even know ART exists! No one can understand the panic to grief pipeline it is speedrunning right now. No one could possibly understand what the problem even is, even if shit wasn’t hitting the fan and all of presaux was here. MB, who has only just started to be comfortable with them and be understood by them, would just be stuck with this huge, lonely grief that it absolutely would not in a million years be able to start to explain.

Later on, at the end of the book, MB tells Mensah « I didn’t tell you about ART ». Mensah tries to reassure it by saying that its alright, she doesn’t tell it everything either. But I don’t think that’s what was really bothering MB. I think the idea of ART disappearing and only MB knowing why that’s important — I think that really scared it.

[needlesandnilbogs]

4, 26, and 30 for the ask game? 🥰

4: a story idea you haven't written yet

... most story ideas I write down whatever comes to me and work on it for as long as I keep my interest up, usually that's a few paragraphs or so? I don't think I really have "things I haven't written" so much as "things I've started and want to finish eventually" lol. I guess the closest thing is the "just a name for the au and a note on the plot or a single sentence" stuff?

... at least for murderbot. I have a lot more discrete ideas with no words for city spies like the superhero alternate universe that @fishyupmywishy and I considered for a while (can't dig through discord dms for all of this but clementine was a hero turned supervillain named Queen Orange (now Dark Orange) and Paris had a chess theme), "#giveMontyAGirlfriend2k23" (monty/magpie shipfic), and a mirror universe.

One day I will write all of these. I swear. also I absolutely do not have an au problem shut up

------

26: are you able to write with other people around?

I write everywhere. Very often on my phone, very often when I'm around other people. so yeah.

also I write in linear algebra bc the professor doesn't teach so I'm only showing up for the attendance grade. and in the dishroom when it's quiet and nobody's doing any actual work. so.

the fanfic brain rot is real okay

------

30: share a fic you're especially proud of

I did this one earlier but in the interest of practicing being able to talk about my stuff without falling apart in embarrassment, here is a different fic I am proud of: Preserving the Mines, aka what happens when an adhd person raised by historians hyperfixates on 1854 sacramento for a month and then gets really into it. aka what if murderbot and company were gold miners during the second gold rush. (read the tags and keep an eye on the content warnings. it does deal with slavery and the aftermath of the Perkins case)

Since I shared something at most half related when Stars asked this number last time I'm going to share a fun note from my "research" aka do you want to hear about one of the few historical inaccuracies in the fic: the location of the Preservation mining camp.

they should not be hanging around Paradise Beach because there's no gold there nor is it a good place to camp, but there they are bc this is a site I can imagine the physical features of fairly easily. also this is a public river beach now known for both nudity and drowning, things mb would hate.

I have way more stuff about this au I never posted, I should go back to writing 1854 overse's diaries and 1854 mensah's letters to her parents and share some of those eventually lol

[gold-rhine]

Love language post again but with the four Sumeru boys! :D

Alhaitham

Alhaitham is that one annoying "Well actually..." guy. His favorite book is Hegel's dialectics, which he's read in the original and wrote his akademiya thesis on, but if u just read that thesis you'd think he hates it bc he tears into mercilessly. but in fact thats how he shows respect, bc as per dialectics, its only possible to grow when confronted with the antithesis to your thesis, and producing synthesis based on that. his mirror theory is based on learning about yourself by being confronted by the opposite.

his love language is when you excitedly tell him of your plans instead of being excited with you to melticiously nitpick them for hours with -_- face, bc he thinks that the best way to help you is to show you all of the possible flaws and problems beforehand so you can fix them and succeed. he's also very particular on when to help you or not. like he won't help if he thinks you need to learn to overcome smth, bc again, he thinks you can only grow by challenging yourself, BUT he also doesn't believe that every challenge is worthwhile. so like he might refuse to help with something relatively easy, but another time he will just drop shitton of money out of nowhere without you asking or find the loophole in bureaucracy and so on, bc these are not the kind of challenges that will help your personal improvement, they are logistical hindrances.

as to how to best show you care for him, out of Sumeru Autism Trio, Alhaitham is like the only one who is not big on infodumping. he strikes me as a type who will just silently stew on his thoughts, spew out a book that shakes up that specific scientific field and immediately move on to another subject. but his character stories say he likes reading physical books instead of getting info directly from akasha bc he likes questioning and distilling views and biases of the author, so i think finding something with really new and surprising perspective that he's never considered before is one of the best things, be it a very smart academic study or bonkers crazy conspiracy theory doesn't matter, what matters is the uniqueness of the mirror that can be applied to the world.

another thing is that Alhaitham will just never conventionally show emotions. like he knows how to mask and play social roles if he needs to, but he doesn't enjoy it and it's useless to expect it from him. Alhaitham is actually one of genshin's least traumatized autistics, his grandma never forced him to pretend to be "normal". you just have to be okay that even he's most comfortable and happy, he still has the same resting bitch face on, and mb learn to tell the difference when it shifts into slightly more tense tired bitch face, when he just neds to go sit alone in a dark corner with headphones on for awhile and not take this personally. otherwise, Alhaitham is pretty transparent about he likes and doesn't like if he trusts you, like he *will* tell you straight up what he wants or if he's unhappy. his communication style is not for everyone, esp its hard for ppl who enjoy seeing partner express emotions visibly, but there's a different kind of intimacy in intense and raw-cut way if it clicks for you.

Tighnari

Tighnari is a mom friend and a harangued middle regional manager at the same time. he has like twenty different check lists active on the back of his mind at all times, half of these check lists are actually responsibility of other ppl, but Tighnari knows ppl are incompetent clowns and he has to double check that everything goes ok.

Tighnari's love language is that he will have an extensive check list for you to make sure you're taken care of. your love language for Tighnari is to make sure you take care of yourself, so he doesn't have to mom you in addition to moming all of the incomptetents in his life. he needs someone who can be trusted to be responsible about their own well-being, so Tighnari can relax as with an equal. if you cover all your fundamentals, then his check list can easy up to sweet little things which he likes fussing about.

and like Tighnari does like to fuss and organize things, just when the stakes are not high and its not a forced responsibility. you can ask him organize a trip or to choose the optimal restaurant and so on, and he will happily fuss and research and figure out logistics and enjoy it very much, despite grumbling all the time, just make sure to tell him he's done great job afterwards.

also, of course, he likes infodumping about his mushrooms and plants and complaining about idiot tourists and his idiot bosses, and also will happily listen to what you have on your mind in return.

Tighnari is overall a grumbly sweetheart who found his place in the world and is happy with it, and just wants someone to share this place with as with an equal, so he can relax and let go of the stress and exercise his fussing tendencies on nice enjoyable activities

Cyno

Cyno might at first glance seem to be from the same no visible emotions type as Alhaitham, but it's not really the case. Due to Akademiya's racism against desert people, Cyno had to learn to wear this resting stoic bitch face all the time, to don't answer provocations and don't show emotions to not be labeled as uncivilized, and he was scrutinized twice as hard as other students. He's the most traumatized out of Sumeru Autism Trio and it's now hard for him to show emotions and vulnerability after years of being trained not to.

he says himself that he knows his jokes are bad and he says them not bc he thinks they are funny, but bc he wants to break tension or break someone's impression of him as intimidating and unapproachable, bc like, Cyno is not great at socializing. that's his way of being like "Hey i'm not scary actually". so him clowning around ppl is his way of showing trust and invitation to engage, its basically like when large predators playfully roll on the ground and expose belly, its the vulnerability of being silly with someone. he'll be happy if you indulge him, and listen or participate with his silly hobbies like card games or roleplaying, a support of him trying to get out of the restricting role he was schooled into in akademiya.

Cyno is incredibly supportive himself, he might not be great at social cues or expressing himself, but he will show up for you 200% every time. he has actually a nice amount of emotional intelligence, even if he's clumsy in using it. he invented the card game excuse to look after collei bc she wants to feel independent and so he's pretending he is there on silly selfish pretense, bc thats more comfortable for her. Deep down, he's very sweet, loyal and steadfast, even if awkward and hyperfixated on his duty.

[ryegarden]

conclusion: every part of us trans people is edible and full of nutrients ... wait i think i got this all mixed up ...

i dont really know what a dissertation even is but i would love to read it when youre finished if that's possible !!! or before then idk proofread it for ya :o) not a problem if that's not a thing you can do though just whee i love it already !>

also idk this is mb just me but i think another important thing is that its not just dandelions, if you go looking for reflections of the trans experience in nature it's almost impossible to go ten seconds without finding one !;!! we're not just dandelions, we're a natural part of the world that exists in all facets of life. normally id scoff at appeals to naturalism but this is one of those cases where it's not a fallacy, we are everywhere, it's no surprise we're here too, and it's far from unnatural.

sorry rambling just go dandelions go everything go you !!!

TRUEEEE TRUE ‼️ love my edible trans babes ✌️😌

But yes fr UM a dissertation is just a paper u have to write in your final year of uni in the UK, I'm an an art uni so our requirement is only like. 5000 words. But optionally u can do 8000. And I have so much to say on the topic LMAO yeah I will put it online when it's done if it's any good!!

And you're so right I agree!!!! There's really parallels to be found everywhere (and I feel this is probably just the case with nature, it makes for good symbolism) to transness. A lot of my work last year for uni did things to do with bugs and transness (lots of inspiration from @homoidiotic 💕💕💕💕) and the link that exists there (metamorphosis, disgust, squeamishness, essential to ecosystems). Even my foundation film (florecense) is about plants as a metaphor for transness, in the idea of self love and allowing yourself to change and grow and the joy in cultivating your own identity. I keep coming back to it.

[tadpoles-and-daydreams]

Hi, I would Like to ask for a free Reading please 🥺

I have been a little bit disconnected from my “spiritual” self and I’m afraid that my dear Lord Anubis might be a little upset with me.

I usually ask Him directly but since I haven’t had the time, I would Like to know What does Lord Anubis think about my decision on the career I’m going to choose? Does he think its going to make me happy in some way?

Thank you very much for doing these readings for us.

I’m MB btw 😅

Hello! This took forever to get to due to my life just being absolutely chaotic recently, but thank you for being so patient. I'm not typically going over one card right now but yours was from before I implemented that so I took the three cards he gave me and just sort of meshed them together!

For this, you got:

Seven of Pentacles reversed, Three of Cups, Knight of Wands.

Overall, I have a few immediate thoughts. The Seven of Pentacles reversed implies that this career choice is going to cause problems. What stands out to me is the implications that you're overinvesting your time and energy. The career choice may not be the problem here, though really only you know that! I'd as always suggest your own introspection and readings. You're putting too much effort in for too little reward, and maybe it's better to research some and make a more educated decision. Continue in a way that works for you, whatever that may be. The Three of Cups makes it clear that you have people to lean on. I'm thinking some balance needs to be made between work and home life! Time spent with family and friends is just as valuable as time spent on career. It also strikes me as a call to celebrate even the littlest of accomplishments. Especially if the first card resonates about your choices around career and work resulting in less than satisfactory results, let yourself enjoy everything that works out! Acknowledge your work, whether or not it works out. Don't be too hard on yourself. As for Knight of Wands; tread forward without hesitation, but not without caution. Knight of wands is one of those cards that can be a total opposite interpretation depending on the situation, but here it feels like a clear middle ground; continue onward, take every opportunity that you can get, but don't rush recklessly into things either. Do so rationally, weigh your options carefully without slipping into overthinking and second-guessing yourself.

This is formatted differently than most of my readings since it's multiple cards, but not separated paragraphs for each, but I hope it resonated! It felt like the right call for this reading. I barely mentioned Anubis in this because he was fairly quiet, but the cards are definitely from him and he was a pleasant energy to have around. Thank you for sending the reading in!

As always, here's my Ko-Fi if you'd like to tip (/nf, there's no pressure to ofc) or if anyone sees this and is interested in a full reading from me!

[urlocalnonbinarybastardwrites]

heyyyyyya I honestly can’t remember if I alr did one but could you pretty please ship me with a character <333

starting with appearances, im female, about average height, very straight light brown hair with some natural blonde/ish streaks, pale skin, green-grey-blue eyes, large-ish nose (not massive), slight acne. my clothing style is very much basic.

my personality is hard to describe, im a yapper if i feel comfortable around you, silent if i dont, probably think about other people’s opinions on me too much, people pleaser, loud, excitable, hyper but also tired 24/7, social battery runs out faster/slower depending on the day, i try to be funny, more/less nervous meeting new people based off of their personality, i obsess over things rlly easily and a lot, love physical touch but im scared to initiate it with most people, i hate school but get good grades, nervous to say things +unintentionally clingy in friendships cus i think yall will hate me :)

also I think a lot of that stuff is just internal so it’s not really noticeable in my personality..

my interests include singing, acting, songwriting, writing, screenwriting, cute clothes and stuff like that, and things I love doing are hanging with friends, shopping, being on my phone, having personal space, staying up late & sleeping in.

that was a lot mb, thanks for reading and if you give me a ship <333

Your Outsiders Ship: Sodapop Curtis

(This man is ur husband)

Explanation: I think that soda pop would be really fond of you. Just from the looks of you you don’t stand out that much but what really made him click with you was whenever he actually started talking to you and you would go by the gas station to get snacks and you guys would just have a little chats and it could get really deep very quickly and I think that’s one of the things he loves about you, he feels like he can open up too faster than almost anyone else because you guys share so many similar problems and tendencies. Honestly, honestly, I can see you guys just like even after the store closes just freaking chatting away and not stopping talking because I think you guys would really excite each other in a new way and I think you would have endless topics to talk about and with your guises kind of hyper personalities, I bet that you would never ever be bored with each other and I feel like he’s the type of guy to find new and exciting fun things to do on each date anyway. You guys are both people pleasers so you would have a really hard time sometimes with opinions on things because you both just want the other one to like each each other but once you sort of more comfortable with each other, I feel like you guys could get into the zone like teasing each other about disagreements and things like that. You would also have a pretty easy time, expressing your feelings to each other. I feel like soda pop would be and feel safe to tell you if he didn’t like something you said and obviously I think you would feel vice versa. You guys kind of both get teased for being basic but you know what you don’t really care what any other people think about that because they don’t understand that you both enjoy the simpler and finer things in life.

Healthy couple 10/10 ship

[galadhir]

So I bought the latest Murderbot book, System Collapse as soon as it came out, on both audiobook and ebook, and I have to say that I was ever so slightly disappointed. It is a really good example of a Murderbot novella, just like the other ones in the series, but my problem is that with it coming after Network Effect I was hoping for other things.

When Network Effect finished with ART excitedly cleaning its interior because Dr. Mensah would be coming aboard, I was excited to be able to read about ART and Mensah meeting and learning to appreciate each other.

When we got the blurb for System Collapse and it became obvious that SecUnit was having something of a breakdown due to accumulated trauma, while Barish Estranza was up to its corporate worst, I was excited at the thought that Three might have to take over some of SecUnit's more running-about-and-murdering-people duties, while SecUnit had to take the trauma treatment.

I wanted to see how the Preservation humans and ART's crew got along. Which I guess happened with Ratthi and Tarik. But I suppose I had got used to the extra space and slightly more leisurely pace of the novel, and was not prepared to go back to the tight focus of a novella.

This is all entirely my fault for having expectations, rather than just trying to enjoy what I got for its own sake. And in fact I remember feeling a little disappointed with Network Effect when that came out, while now it is my favourite in the series. So I'm sure after a few more reads and listens I will also learn to appreciate System Collapse for what it is, instead of what it isn't.

And let's face it, SecUnit was due a collapse! And now I'm eager to find out if Three gets a starship of its own with Holism. I like the fact that they are the serious non-fiction nerds of the series, while Perihelion and SecUnit are the sci-fi geeks. Bless!

~

Also I'm excited (and a little nervous) at the thought of a Murderbot TV series.

I'm excited because

you can do so much with a series in which a SecUnit is the pov character - think about how you could tell a story from the perspective of a being who is regularly experiencing life through security cameras and flying drones and

I'm not sure I can think of another series with a protag like SecUnit, who avoids eye contact, expresses emotional discomfort by turning and facing the wall, is extremely touch averse, and above all is agender and asexual and quite vocal about that.

When have we ever had a tv series where the main character's pronouns are 'it'? If they only keep that, the series will be revolutionary.

But I'm nervous because

Look at the guy they cast as SecUnit. Did he have to be so white? MB lives in a universe where most of the important characters are black or various shades of brown. It kind of defeats the importance of having so many important characters of colour if they're mostly there in order to be rescued by a white main character.

The show runners are both male. It would be so easy for a pair of straight cis male writers to ignore the widespread queerness of the setting and all the things most queer/non-neurotypical readers find so endearing about SecUnit and turn it into yet another male power fantasy where a heavily armed and deadly cyborg solves everyone's problems with ultra-violence.

It would be so easy for them to call SecUnit 'he' and churn out something like Robocop or Judge Dredd where the uncommunicative white guy with a heart of gold and a big gun gets to be the hero again. That would make it more marketable. It would make it more relatable to the straight cis white guys who make up the desired audience for SF shows (or so I've heard.) And it would take away from this agender asexual person someone who was very rare and precious to them.

Honestly listening to cis people talking about Murderbot is painful enough now when they must have read the book and they must have been bombarded for thousands of words with instances of it being called 'it' and insisting that gender was inapplicable to it and it found sex distasteful. Somehow even after all of that they will insist on calling it 'he' or 'she.' God knows how much worse it could get if the TV series did it too.

[plasmasimagination]

Greetings ! I saw your match up event and I don't know if you're still up to it but I'll give it a shot anyways !

Fandom : Honkai Star Rail

Characters I don't want to be paired up with : Blade, Sampo (sorry boys)

Ahem, I'm an ISFP who's rising sign is Scorpio, moon sign is Aries and solar sign is cancer.

I absolutely adore writing, reading and exploring outside, urbex is the best thing I've ever known in my entire life. I'm also trilingual ! I just like languages so I'm studying them, probably to travel later although I might just change and get a bachlors degree in psychology just so I can help people. I also love swimming, favorite sport ngl. I forgot to mention, my pronouns are she/her and I'm bisexual though I lean a little more towards women (bless them).

In terms of personality I'd say I'm pretty shy and quiet with strangers but once I know them I'm a goofy dumbass and seem pretty extroverted because I become rather chatty. People have mentioned how intimidating I look, I'm about 5'8 and fairly fit with broad shoulders. So some have approached me out of curiosity and because I look mysterious (their words not mine). Though I'm a big teddy bear, my love language is physical touch and quality time after all.

Aside from my height I have middle length wavy (mb fluffy too ig) brown hair and brown eyes. I wear glasses or else I can't see crap. My clothing style is rather tomboyish, I prefer brown and beige colours and wear pretty simple things (tho I make them stylish).

Some details about myself are that I really like a good challenge and annoying the heck out of someone, some say I seem a little sadistic with my teasing lmao. Despite being chatty I'm rather laid back and quiet.

Have a good day btw ! I hope it was enough.

HELLO THERE SWEETHEART YAYAYA, so you didn't mention which gender you want to be paired up with so i just decided to give you uh...both? Bisexual problems frfr anyyyywaaays, matchup go!

.

.

.

March 7th!

Okay okay I know you might be asking why and stuff, so first off, who are you to question my way? (/J) and second here's why!

I always like to pair up introverts and extroverts together so they can balance each other out

And you two would fit so well, like-

Intimidating girlfriend that looks like she could beat your ass, and cute smol girlfriend protected

IDK I JUST FIND IT ADORABLE

You might say that you see her more as a friend but I think you two would start off as friends and then turn into something more

Also two chatty cuties would be a blast to be with one another, like I like to imagine march would enjoy chatting with you even if it's just random ranting about insignificant stuff and then be excited to hear your opinion on the insignificant stuff😭

Welt!

Calm collected and reserved

A complete opposite of march yet still a fit for you

This time two introverts together, who enjoy each others company

He prefers to listen to you talk rather than talking himself, but he does enjoy making small comments or chuckling at your stories

Very interested in your writing hobby

Will ask you to show him the newest thing you wrote, he gives constructive criticism but also praises, a tiny bit ;)

Your annoying won't work in him because he will just see it as your personality (ouch) and will sit there with a small smile on his face

Also enjoys different languages and will be fairly impressed by your knowledge, sometimes will ask a thing or two about a certain thing he's unsure of

Doesn't mind your displays of affection, quality time and acts of service are his so he's completely content and happy with spending time with you

About physical contact, he's rather not the one to initiate it, but if you do it first he'll have no trouble ab it

[nobodysdaydreams]

For the Character Bingo Game!! Please feel free to mix and match and disregard as you please:

Milligan, Isaac the Messenger, Susan Pevensie, and Toph Beifong

Hope you are having an amazing day, and that the Tasks go smoothly :)

Done! Sorry the highlights on this look so terrible, I'm bad at filling these out. But I very much appreciate the ask! 🥰🥰🥰

Milligan:

I don't know if Milligan and I would be friends irl (I suppose it depends if you're talking about my fic's version, canon, and whether he has memories or not), but assuming there's nothing crazy going on, then yeah, I could see us getting along. Not a big sports fan though. As you know from my fic, I have a lot of head canons, and rotating 24/7, and all MBS characters need therapy let's be real. They also all need more screen time, had wasted potential, and canon did them all dirty by cancelling the show, but I highlighted these for Milligan specifically because he never got closure and answers as to what Curtain did to him and why he was working there. As for my half filled in "my opinions are unpopular", that's mostly because of SOS: people either love it, or it's not for them. So I'm not sure what to call that. I relate to him (positive) because I head canon him as having ADHD (even though I have ADHD-I and I head canon him as having ADHD-HI, but close enough).

Isaac the Messenger:

I feel like Isaac and I would be friends irl since I have a lot of friends doing STEM things. All MBS characters go to therapy, and I clicked canon did him dirty and wasted potential because... did he just wait in the woods forever? I feel like they could have done something with that. I wasn't sure whether to click "needed more screen time" because I feel like it wouldn't be a lot more screen time, just enough to give a little closure on that. I say my opinions are unpopular because I haven't seen any other fics with him as a main or even major side character (if they exist lmk) and I half filled in "so many head canons" because...I do expand on his character a bit in SOS, but I don't know if I'd say I have a ton of head canons for him.

Susan Pevensie:

Ohhh....the problem of Susan. That's what all these highlights are based off of btw. I understand Lewis was using her to reflect his own issues, but why couldn't he have lived to write her story? The arrow over rotating is because when Narnia was my primary childhood hyperfixation, Susan's story was one I was really interested in. (Spoilers Ahead for The Last Battle). She has to live with all her friends and family dying, and figure out how to get back on the right path without them. I would have loved to read a story about Susan and her husband and kids where Susan tells them about her time in Narnia and her younger kids and her husband believe her, but other relatives think it's a manifestation of her grief, and even her older kids are like "mom, seriously?" but then either someone who used to live in Narnia but found a portal to our world or another world shows up, or Susan and her family get sucked through a portal to another world that still exists (not Narnia or Charn because those worlds were destroyed but maybe someplace else), and you could have them go on this whole new adventure and I would love to see that happen. However, I am worried about how people would handle the story, hence the half filled boxes for "the fandom is wrong" and "my opinions are unpopular", because I do see the occasional posts that are like "Lewis was just being sexist and hates Susan because she likes boys and lipstick" or "Lewis was 100% right about girls who like boys and lipstick being terrible" which...respectfully, no to both of these. If I remember correctly, Susan wasn't on the train and is still alive, she can have a redemption arc, and she was always described as pretty and liking stereotypical girly things, that itself was never the issue. The issue was her becoming materialistic and caring too much about what other's think of her and mocking her siblings for not acting otherwise. Look, I never related to Susan very much, and I'm not sure that I'd be friends with her irl, based on interests and personality, maybe not, but she's not a bad person just because she's stereotypically feminine and she's certainly not irredeemable. Would have loved to see a sequel where she goes on other adventures and shows off her awesome archery skills and we get to meet a bunch of new fun characters, but I'm so worried that someone who focuses on the wrong aspects of her character would try to make the message of her story about how Lewis was wrong about something he never said or about how Susan was terrible for something that was never a problem in the first place. Sorry to rant, but these are my thoughts.

Toph Beifong:

She's not the ATLA character I rotate the most, but I do love her. She's insane, but I love her. For this, I kept it ATLA (I know some people would put "wasted potential" or "canon did them dirty" for stuff that happens in Korra, but I'm gonna put that on hold for now). I would love to adopt child her because I have a younger sibling like her and as for the irl we'd be friends, that would 100% depend on whether Toph decided she liked me, and I have no control over that. She needs therapy, but so do all those war surviving children and she has never done anything wrong ever (was using her earth bending to scam people).

[iviarellereads]

System Collapse, Chapter 11

(Curious what I'm doing here? Read this post! For the link index and a primer on The Murderbot Diaries, read this one! Like what you see? Send me a Ko-Fi.)

In which family means no one's secrets get revealed.

Murderbot spends the trip recharging a bit. The hopper is faster than the ground vehicle, which is good for travel time but bad for its nerves about human safety. MB hopes B-E don't know about the construction access, and if they do, won't be able to find where the HSUs moved the tunnel vehicle.

Iris grabs a med kit and says MB's leakage is worrying her. MB says it should stop soon, and thinks its power drain is a worse problem. It kind of just wants to watch Sanctuary Moon with Art-drone, only Art-drone is even worse off, so it puts on some World Hoppers instead.

Leonide asks if MB is really a SecUnit. Iris tells her to mind her own business. Leonide calls her oversensitive, goes silent for 5.3 seconds, then bursts out to ask if someone is really watching media right now. Tarik deadpans her about distracting himself while flying, and she says fuck all of them in response.

They arrive at the terraforming end of the tunnel to find an obstruction in the hangar, but it's just the shuttle, with a hat! Ratthi deployed the survival tent to keep the dust out. His voice makes MB's performance spike upward with relief.(1)

Ratthi pushes the button for the tent to pack itself up, and they all load into the shuttle. Leonide boards first, but only to make room for Iris and MB to get Art-drone in safely. MB can feel Art watching in the feed for any funny business or betrayal, but MB thinks she just knows the fastest way to escape is to help.

With Art-drone failing, the pathfinders need a little assistance. MB steps in to do what it can, though they're far from the drones it's used to.

Unfortunately, just as everyone's starting to relax, they pull out of a dust cloud and find an armed B-E shuttle following. Iris offers "to authorize deadly force" which MB doesn't need but appreciates. MB positions the pathfinders so that one takes a blow and explodes into a cloud of sensor-scattering debris, allowing the other to swing around and bop the B-E ship on the nose.(2)

The shuttle fell away, still intact but probably dealing with damage, a disoriented bot pilot, and a terrified human crew. Our shuttle powered upward, back on course and widening the distance between us.

As they come out of the comm blackout zone some time later, they see another ship, but quickly determine it's one of their own, a University ship finally come to help.

They pick up a B-E transmission and, having decoded their encryption in just two days, play back the whole argument about whether to engage. Leonide asks for comms, and when given, stands with her team in telling the others to stand down.

The channel got so quiet, Tarik tapped it to make sure it hadn’t gone dead.

Art-prime takes over the pathfinders, redirecting them now that they're not needed for defence. Art-prime starts integrating Art-drone, and Art-drone asks which ship came to help. Art tells it to guess. Art-drone pessimistically declares it must be Holism. They finish the handoff, and as Art-drone goes dead, Iris makes a sobbing noise that startles MB. In a private connection, she asks if there was time for a full transfer, and MB confirms it. Iris adds that she always gets emotional at the thought of losing any part of her Peri and its experiences.

I know, I said. And I did know, and now I was having an emotion. Like a big overwhelming emotion. It felt bad but good, a weird combination of happy and sad and relieved, like something had been stuck and it wasn’t stuck anymore. Cathartic, okay. This fits the definition of cathartic. It was like the way I’d felt when I killed the Target who threatened Amena and laughed at me because I was upset when I thought ART was dead. Except without the violence, and that only lasted a minute or so, and this seemed like it would go on a while.(3) Nobody was dead and I hadn’t had a relapse of my stupid memory thing. And if I did have a relapse, at least I knew what it was now. Don’t just sit there, ART said to me and Iris as it brought the shuttle into its docking module. Console each other. I said, You fuck off at the same time as Iris said, Oh, shut it, Peri, and that felt even better.(4)

=====

(1) I just bet! (2) Insert a skeletor NYEHEHEH giggle from me here. Nonfatal, but completely effective. Love to see it. (3) I just need to take a minute to have my own emotion at this. Like, I keep saying on main and anywhere people will listen that engaging with anger will give you a short-term good feeling and a long-term bad habit that becomes more and more deeply patterned on your daily life and harder to break. And, I just love seeing allusions to that in this sort of fiction. Like, it was a necessary violence, and there's no denying that the feeling was justified afterwards. But, violence and anger are not pathways to fulfillment and joy. The more you give in to the rage bait, the more that anger takes over your life and affects everything you do and everyone you interact with. It's important to be aware of those choices. And I love that Murderbot's commitment is to trying to save life, even when it's life that's threatening itself or its humans. It doesn't always work, but it does make it easier to live with yourself. (4) Yep, it's definitely a love language for Art.