#but welp im doing it for my friends
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I am doing a lot of stuff this summer I might keep you guys updated
#i need to get prepared for the fnaf movie#i actually havent got into it ever bc I never liked horror stuff at all#but welp im doing it for my friends#and the rest of the things#well#i might post the art here#and oh god my friends birthday is next weekend oh lord oh god#someone help me go through this#i am doing it anyways#i am so hyped#for the record the friends notebook is something I was going to do about my friends and their interests. just to keep it there#summer goals#summer#goals#not art#yippee!
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The way I have not written a single word for like a month it feels like I have been busier in the last two weeks than I have been in the last four years of my life and will continue to be busy for the next two weeks I got one day between a four day family trip and a sib visit gotta sew a monkey during the trip and if monkie kid drops in that time I will simply combust
#knox rambles#ill definitely be offline for a bit WHEEZE#To be clear im having a good time overwhelmed but in a good way?#reconnected with someone i havent been able to get in contact with for like four years and hangout at their house twice before heading#straight to bake cookies after baking cinnamon rolls that morning--#my brian is scattered but this is good new experiences good folks good for the brain#sniffs i need to ahem ahem write ive been thinking about wobbly hearts nonstop and havent been able to write a single word wheezing#unsure if thats from being busy or being in a block#YEAH HI IM RAMBLING BUT IM NOT DEAD AND IMA BE OFFLINE FOR A BIT LONGER#eyeing up an ipad still for drawin#sewing and reading a book my reconnected-with cousin lent me#I FORGOT TO CUT MY HAIRJDJDJDNG#I MEANT TO DO THAT TODAY SHOOT#.#welp i am functioning sort of mostly#i swear#i made a phonecall today#i even made a sandwich#yes it was after opening every cupboard and fridge door eight times throughout the day and only made it bc my bro was making one BUT STILL#and yes i spent five hours procrastinating just putting stuff in my bag that i already had folded but its FIIIIIINNEEEEE#im functional and my best friend definitely did not call me today just to tell me to book an appointment to ask for an adhd diagnoses noooo#almost forgot to hit post cause i got distracted watching wander over yonder heyyyyyyyyyyy#ANYWAY LEAVING FIRST THING TOMOROW GN
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i finished thesis, won an award, and have graduated.. hello 👋🥸
#i'm not coming back but :') hello#i forgot i even had tumblr still on my phone djdkdkdkdk#i just opened it for the first time in ??? 5 months or smth i think idk for sure#life is weird :')#remember when i said i wanna drop out every day of my life :') bc i suck at design#welp i won an award for my design thesis :')#jsjdjdkdkdkdj#turns out having friends kinda changes your life 🫂#having friends at school has actually :') made me a happier more normal person lol#i haven't been miserable?? i haven't wanted to kms ... i have been so happy and yes school was shitty but i wanted to go and try hard bc#my friends motivated me to stay and try and that's crazy :') idk#felt really loved and like i belonged somewhere for the first time in my life 🫨 like woah ppl like me and wanna be my friend? me??#:') i'm really happy... isn't that weird#i used to want to kms every other day hsjdndkdkdks lol 😭#now i'm like 😭 every day i look forward to waking up bc i'm happy and i have ppl who love me and i wanna see them again and i wanna spend#time with them again and play games with them again :')#literally stayed up till ??? 4 am yesterday talking to one of them like#😭#god jm djjdkdkdkd idk :')#my life is good...#???? IM NOT MISERABLE IDK GUYS#wild af#even winning the award was such a shock like 🥲 damn . who ? me?#ppl from like :') this big design thing in toronto we're praising it too like djdjdodjdkdj#:') it's kinda crazy.. i was super !#man.. i cant believe how 5 months ago i was gonna kms 🥸👆 and now i'm like erm actually maybe we do need to live#:') anyway#i hope ppl on here are doing good 🫨🔨#it is sad to not be here as much but also 👋😌 i'm happy to be free at the same time so ✨
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While im on pc might as well post this too, mobile keeps giving me errors lol
Commission done for @mamaclownhunter !!! Thank you again!
full below the cut
#art#my art#commission#dnd art#fantasy art#uhhh what else do i usually tag#oc#ocs#other people's ocs#not fanart#well#i mean i guess i am a fan of my friend's stuff but also technically not fanart of a media so putting that tag there#tiefling#i had fun with this one#illustration#digital painting#you see how i keep adding actual tags and then also at the same time rambling#well it's 2 am and im letting my fingers type whatever it desires lmao#welp#uh yeah#this piece im kind of proud of not gonna lie
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MY SAS TEACHER MENTIONED AL GORE AND I FUCKIN SWEAR IT TOOK ALL MY SELF CONTROL TO AVOID MENTIONING MANBEARPIG 😭
#first day of school was...eventful#idk man was full on dissociated most of the time lmfao but it was cool#i have friends :D#plus my bf came for me :3#THOUGH#HE DID NOT BRING ME FOOD#THAT WAS MEAN#(i go out of school late asf but before lunch time (spain idk) so i was hungry lol)#(cuz the specific thingy im doing makes me leave school later than most ppl)#unrelated but my mother just came into my room started spouting transphobic bs LMAOO#that was random asf XD#welp anyway good school day :D
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...
#ah yes. my old friend: getting nothing done all day bc im too paralyzed to attempt to read anything#thanks. i hate it here#today felt like i was trapped in october of last year. which was disorienting#bc it was cold ang gloomy out and i just kept listening to doomsday by lizzy mcalpine#itll get better once im back in the habit of things. at least that's what im telling myself. just expect me#to complain a lot bc im back in the torture machine. by which i mean life as a grad student#evolution prof: u should be reading at least 20 papers per week. and shes right but also what if i just lay on the floor and expire#what then? oh hey u use text to speech on papers? that must b super helpful! yeah sure it takes 2 broken things:#my ability to not process audio and not understand text in order to try to put me on a normal reading level.#except that it still fucking sucks and i hate everything.#and it doesnt even fuckibg matter for this class bc shes giving us pdf scans that are image based not text based#so i cant even use text to speech. which is ya kno. real fucking cool. welp. its been real#goodbye to any sort of notion that i appear to kno what im doing. or that i can read anything#oh god. why tf did i decide it was a good idea to come back?#dread! paralyzing dread! oh how ive missed u#unrelated
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Sweet and Spicy Pic of me because I can.....
#i dont fucking know#do my friends have tumblr#hope not#this is becoming a problem#i swear#im normal#kinda#this is a joke#dont look at me#welp#enjoy i guess
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I slept in till noon today o . O good afternoon everypony!!
#jane journals#ajdnfk welp im well rested to be sure 😂😂#hows everyone doing?? good?#im excited cause my partner and i are going out with our friend for sushi tonight!!#then we're coming home to watch howls moving castle 😁😁😁 its gonna be fun!
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I frequently feel completely isolated no matter how much I talk to people. So that's fun
#sorry if anyone sees these im tired of using my personal discord servet to vent. i always spiral too much#anyways i have an idea for a good poem to write for class because of recent events#ughhhh idk i just wish i wasnt so annoying about asking if i can open ip to people#or if someone would just ask if i was okay. i mean actually id probably lie i am not actually good at being open.#but like hey idk it feels nice to feel like people genuinely want to know#ughhhhfhfhf i do this to myself sometimes JSHSJSKDJDJD#welp its just how life goes. i feel lonely all the time and i soldier on#surely helping the next person will make me feel better! nope. surely helping yhis next person will make me feel better! nope. surely-#tgats me. thats what i sound like#yeah idk it feels like everyone is going through something worse than me so itd be a moral failing on my part#to ask them if i could just like. feel bad. noticeably#not even talk about it just look down and out of it for a day#yknow i emailed one of my teachers asking permission to go by a new preferred name#this is at like. a massive very queer and trans art school.#and i asked him permission to do this#and i was joking with my friends about how pathetic i sounded in it#and one of them patted me on the head and said “there there buddy” like very jokingly#but i almost cried because thats the first time in so long someone has like. really tried to comfort me#or shown me much physical affection#my mom gives me hugs and stuff but thats always about her. i dont blame her shes got a lot of stuff going on#but idk its really selfish of me but i just wanna have people see me and feel bad for me and it be about my pain for a little while#ill get over it im just being a teenager but shit god fucking damnit#i just want a break from feeling like my world is falling apart#then getting some footing#then it falling apart again#okay i feel a bit better now better stop the complain train JDJDJSKSJD#hey why do i never hear that it rhymes and everything thays so good#damn i gotta use that more#welp weve reached our stop sorry if anyone ever read thjs. hope you have a nice day tho lol
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#remember like yesterday when I said i wouldn't go crazy about this texting thing?#welp that ship has sailed my friends#I am crazy#But like#not about the texting#about them specifically#like every thing they say make me more in love?#and not bc ive got some rose tinted glasses on#which I obv do have#But even without them#they're so smart#and... deep?#like some of their answers! my god.#obviously in all of this im afraid of being so dumb and dull in comparison#like why would somebody like them wanna spend time with somebody like me?#this is a depressing line of thinking i know#and unfair#But it's part of the game i guess#but yeah im going crazy#yesterday we texted all day#they sent me voice notes#I replied hyper late last night#and today i woke up with their reply?#like???#bliss#now I'm mortally afraid of this convo dying#like I could go on chit chatting for months#But ik it's not really gonna happen#unless they want to (and I dont think they necessarily do)#it d be my absolute dream
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— OCS AS PLANETS
Tagged by the always wonderful @denerims to do this uquiz for some creachers :33
Tagging @aartyom @nuclearstorms @saintjudegf @malefiicarum and @halsin 💛
VERDE
mars passion. energy. drive. determination. you are sexual and it doesn't always have to mean what it so blatantly is. you are in tune with yourself and your body and if you don't already feel it, please try to tune into it because it is so powerful. you are at war with yourself and life and it doesn't always have to be so hard. anger is not a useless emotion but do not let it control you. love is more powerful than sex will ever be. you are the smell of fresh cut grass and a satisfied job done.
MEGAN
saturn patient. stable. reliable. preserving and diligent. your capacity to hold focus on something you choose to is unmatched by all other planets. you were made for hard work that you love and that you know is rewarding. you are the shoulder that everyone wants to cry on, so remember you can lean on yourself when it seems there is no one else. there is nothing wrong with being self sufficient. you are justice and evenly balanced scales.
EMILIA
jupiter optimistic. hopeful. generous and compassionate. you are the guardian angel. you are 4:44 am and a sense of being watched over. you enrich the lives of others just by existing and caring for them. you give as many blessings as you receive and there is always more to go around. careful not to become too over-confident in these abilities. what makes you jupiter is your belief that ego has no part in caring and love. you are softness and the smell of almond coffee.
AVIANA
mercury clever. intelligent and witty. wisdom, sharpness, anxiety and indecisiveness. you are the comedian. the "make someone laugh if they are crying" kind of lover. you dont want to think too much about anything because that stops you from just having fun, but your brain doesn't ever shut off. you are curious and never ending. forecast and shadows. the smell of clean sheets.
#i left gwenyth and adrian off bc their results came out so bad and i was like welp DKJHKSKFJFH GWEN AS PATIENT CALM BEST FRIEND EARTH. SURE.#that lady is a KILLER. and adrian got saturn too and i was like welp....i think the rest are pretty accurate tho. verde is a little bold bu#not inaccurate so. I think they turned out very well :33#TRYING TO BE GOOD AND DO MY TAGS AS I AM TAGGED NOW. THANKS AGAIN EMILY <333#everybody looking at me debuting two ocs on the main blog like wat that dog doin .#ocstuff#oc: verde#oc: meg#oc: emilia#oc: aviana#i also need to make new banners for everyone but im so picky...
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you know, i realized, the one constant in my life so far has been that the only people who have dated me has been the ones that didn't know any better
#personal post#feeling very alone and unlovable#also i have a cold#and today i got told i need to work harder on getting better#when i feel like im already doing my best to get better#and my only friend is too busy with their friends in london to call me#welp
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man i wish i could be cooler rly
#duck rants about something#ive made peace w the fact im not the best in the looks or personality departments for a long time already tho really#but just once it would be nice for someone to think i look cool. or handsome even would that be too much to ask#well its swagever. me and my 5/10 mediocre swag#like yeah sure kids in elementary up til middle school i heard calling me uglyass and the like and you know what! so what if i am its#literally not hurting you that i look the way i do leave me alone!!!!#i guess i got a Bit more confident these days but i sometimes i wish i could take a hammer and break every mirror and reflective material i#come across. its ����#welp not much to be done about that 👍#just kinda funny when i see my friends going through pictures they took and going oh i look so cute here and omg gw cakep banget kyaa n stu#and i just nod and go yep you sure do!! knowing i could never rly say the same abt myself
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"I think I've got everything you wrote me for - " The truth is, her grandfather DOES NOT particularly like her visits to Qishan, nor does he necessarily approve of this particular friendship. Not that the old man SAYS so, of course, only huffing, the way he does - and seeing her off in the morning when he would much rather sleep in and let her leave by herself, after so many journeys. She hardly gets to visit as it is - for good reason, perhaps, since Qing herself is so busy.
Between doctors there are always ENDLESS herbs to trade from one region to another, there being only so much one can send by letter - and knowing that it might be a few months more before they meet each other again, and likely unprepared and on SOMEONE ELSE'S territory - the table in front of her fills up quickly with labeled packets tied hastily with string, beside half drunken tea and the crumbs of slightly bitter cake. "Ah, and I brought your brother a bottle of the supplements I made for Tang Ningshan - they're, well - less bitter." Than the stuff around THESE parts, she does not finish, pressing down a smile.
@dreams-of-fate liked for a starter ! feat. w.en q.ing
#dreams of fate#tang sanyue#((welp))#((u said do my thing so im doin my thing pfff))#((doctor friends boogies))#((u get another one too later (when it is not 11:21 pm whe nim writing this) bc im a terror))
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someone i only properly talked with like 3 times told me about a food they really like and now im looking up recipes and wondering after how many hang outs would it be aceptable for me to gift them a tupperware filled with that dish ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
#idk i think we're clicking well and they cant cook but i can and i also can try enough times until i get it right without feeling bad#so like i could gift it to them something that i know they would enjoy and i dont feel like i need a reason to give something to someone#that will make them happy but i do know it can be weird so welp here i am#just means i have time to practice the recipe i guess ahah#i wish more of my friends told me about foods and desserts they like so I could do stuff for them#when i was on meds i would do something to share at least once a month and the other day i noticed that was one of the things i was missing#i want to cook and bake and then gift or share it#im going to start doing that for dnd sessions maybe? instead of just buying gummies#gotta start my investigation of what everyone likes eheh
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#harmony speaks#id like to apologize to literally all of my friends lmao#i feel maybe i've been distant#please know as cliche as it is it's not any of you it's literally me#i want my friends to know i deeply deeply profoundly love them but i ignore them....how does that make sense#(its bpd)#does it ever get easier??? because my highs feel high and my lows are killing me#and it's been almost 3 years exactly since....OH#oh that might be....oh#welp. probably adding on to the fact we're coming up on the 3 year anniversary of me 5150ing myself - that's probably contributing#i just hope my friends know i love them. and im sorry#it's like i can't wrap my head around anyone actually wanting to be my friend#like not to be mentally ill#but truly i think everyone is just pretending to be my friend and they're doing it because they feel bad for me or something#it never feels like Oh I'm A Person Who Deserves Friendship#it's oh god i'm a burden on these people#my mental illness is mentally illing very muhc
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