#but we can only be free if we accept that the only thing we can control is our own choices

[the-fab-fox]

Holy shit this is exactly what I'm feeling with right the fuck now

Y'all in order countries. This is America's Healthcare System which should really be called the Healthcare Industry at this point because they make money while we (the poor on state insurance) get sicker and sicker and die cause there's just not enough clinics and things that accept state insurance.

It's all by design. And now trump plans to get rid of most if not all public programs and state programs that were created to help those in need and those whom are disabled or otherwise ill so soon the largest socioeconomic class (not the highest) will be the majority of the US. Which is as stated. Mostly poor and impoverished.

They are literally killing us all off and don't seem to care who knows. I don't trust the government, I don't trust the politicians. They literally call themselves career politicians. They don't actually care about us except how each party can use us to further their causes and take their aggressions.

This isn't a free county.

I'm not sure it ever was, really.

Except for those in power and those who are rich. (Which includes the private pay, no state insurance accepted, doctors. The ones who took an oath to take care of patients and make them the priorities. Yeah them. Doctor's like that only exist on the big and small screens. In books.

Basically... It's fiction when it comes to a large number of doctors. (Though there are many doctors who are good and do listen even though they are over worked by cases and things like that but we have to sift through all the clinics to find one. It can be done though. My doctor is amazing and she's so kind and actually listens and we discuss rather than I get told and don't get to have a speak except for a few utterances before I'm cut off by the next question.)

Money. Greed. Money. Greed.

That's what was hidden behind their 'Freedom'.

But it's always been about money. Just watch Hamilton on Disney+.

Rich people except in very rare instances literally must have been willing to step on the backs of others to get as rich as they are.

Doesn't sound much like freedom and equality to me. (And I don't exist in the eyes of trump.)

Sending epic classy vibes and setting the intention that your week/end is absolutely fabulous and the universe gives you everything you need to thrive. So mote it be.)

*doctor voice* hmmmm…..have you tried this revolutionary method called painmaxxxing? it is where you do not bother me and adjust to being in agony all the time and we do nothing to resolve the root cause or treat the symptoms. you don’t wish to try painmaxxxing? you’re being non-compliant with the treatment plan I have just provided you?

[2xxelaa9]

Vi deserves none of the hate people give her and I'll die on that hill.

"She created Powder's trauma and abandoned her". No she didn't ? Did we watch the same show ? If anyone, Mylo made Powder feel like she was worthless, Vi had always lifted her up, she just asked her to stay behind that one day because she didn't want to lose her, which is super legit ? If she had brought Powder, everything could have turned out the same and everyone would have been like "it was so wrong for her to bring her very young sister in this". Like ??

And then she blames Powder for what happened but immediately regrets it and just walks a few meters to cool off. Yes, she snapped, but nobody's perfect, and she was just a child ? Why would anyone expect her to act as a grown and mature adult ? She had just lost everyone and lost her shit for maybe one minute and that's it. When she saw that her sister was in danger, she immediately went back for her but was stopped by Marcus. And she then ended up in jail, at maybe 15 years old, getting the shit beaten out of her for 7 years while thinking that everyone she ever cared about was dead. She is as traumatized and Jinx is. They just don't manifest it the same way. Let's not forget that during those 7 years, Jinx had a support system, Silco, someone to turn to even if everything was very far from perfect and that he was using her. She still had someone. Vi was alone, in a dark cell, getting beaten up every other day.

Until Caitlyn came and broke her out. The reason she accepted to talk to her was because Caitlyn showed her drawings that resembled her sister's !! She went with her to find Powder!! She even ditched Cait at the first occasion she got (in the brothel) to get the information from Sevika. And then the first occasion she got, she went to find her.

And then again, at the bridge, she left everyone to go find her sister, and went back for her friends because they were being blown up by Jinx's bombs. And then, Jinx lost it and fired that machine gun at her and Cait, and just then, it was the first time that Vi chose Caitlyn over Jinx in that moment. Because she had fired a damn machine gun at her. I mean, if my sister fired this at me, I'd probably run away too.

Then Vi's objective becomes to take down Silco to get her sister back from him (because one can argue that he was a nice and caring father figure, I still think that he was still using Jinx as a bomb maker, even if he cared for her. She was working for him.)

Next thing we know, Vi gets kidnapped by Jinx and spends the whole scene trying to convince her that she loves her deeply, she even suggests that they could run away far from Zaun and Piltover just the two of them and forget everyone else. It all goes down to shit when Caitlyn frees herself and starts threatening Jinx. Then Jinx kills Silco, nukes the Council, then probably disappears. And the only person she can hold on to is Caitlyn. Why ? Because since the beginning, Vi isn't interested in helping Cait find proof against Silco, she just wanted to find her sister. And despite Vi leaving, getting hurt and everything, Cait stayed besides her. She went to save her when Sevika stabbed her, she followed her when Vi ran after the blue smoke Jinx lit up in the sky, she tried to held her back in that "Oil and water" scene. So of course Vi stayed. Cait had proved her worth to her countless times. She even held back from killing Jinx (which had already committed terrorist actions, killed enforcers, firelights and probably many others).

Vi had nobody else to turn to. Literally. Everyone was dead, and Jinx had rejected her. And Caitlyn still didn't reject Vi, even after her sister killed her mother.

Of course Vi was going to stay by Caitlyn's side. It was the only person somehow caring for her. Even acknowledging her existence.

"But she became an enforcer and it was against everything she stood for". Again, have we all seen the same show ? Vi disagreed to Caitlyn's proposition. It was when Maddie met her that she told her she was "happy that she joined the enforcers". Caitlyn had enlisted her and didn't leave Vi a choice in that. Vi went along because she trusted Caitlyn and she only ever fought in Caitlyn's team. Vi was ready to let Cait end Jinx, because for her, Everything good in her sister was gone. There was nothing else to save. But when she saw Isha, it was not just her wanting to save the child, but also a part of her seeing Powder again. She saw that her sister was still capable of love and compassion. So she stopped Caitlyn.

And then Caitlyn hit her and left her. Again. At this point, everyone in the show had abandoned her. she was all alone, except for Loris who eventually also gave up on her.

Then Jinx went to find her again to save Vander. Then Vi started to gain hope again. Making plans with Jinx for the future. "Maybe we could stay here, help them out". Then shit went down again and Isha died (note : Vi's first reflex was to save her sister in that moment). Then Jinx surrendered, Cait locked her up and Vi went to free her sister. Who then proceeded to leave her again, hitting her in the spot that hurt her the most (both physically and emotionally). Let's note that in that scene, Vi called her "Jinx" and not Powder. It proved her that she loved her for who she was now. She loved Jinx.

Vi had again lost everything. She even thought she had lost Caitlyn by going against her orders again. She was even left alone in that cell, locked up, with no one she cared about, expecting another beating from life. She had come back to the point zero of everything. The concrete cell, the loneliness, the feeling of having failed everyhting and everyone.

But Caitlyn walked in and let her know that she had helped her free Jinx. That she trusted her enough to leave her desire for justice and revenge behind her because she knew how much Vi cared for her sister. And that was the first time in the whole show that anyone had made something for Vi. Hell, it must have been the first time in the show Vi might have felt loved. Like, think about it. Vi then let herself have one moment with Caitlyn, because she had started to become tired of being rejected and hurt by everyone. She had one single moment. And everyone blames her for that and says she's a terrible sister, when it's clearly not the case and has never been.

Time for the war. They fight. Then Vi sees Vander. Her first reflex is to try and save him again. Because she just loves her family so deeply she can't actually help it. And then Jinx sacrifices herself to save Vi. Have you really heard Vi's scream ? It's the most devastating sound and scream that we ever heard on this show. It even echoed louder than the actual explosion. Vi loved her sister so so so much.

With all that, I don't get how people can hate her. She just suffered so so much throughout the show. She is just a little love ball that constantly gets kicked by everyone. She did deserve that somewhat happy ending. I'm so tired of seeing Vi slander.

Also, props to the writers for breaking the doomed lesbian cycle. For once we got a win. Hurray !

[javierpena-inatacvest]

Chapter 6- Undeniable

Summary: when your car breaks down, you’re forced to ask Frankie for help. You’re not sure what you hate more- that you have to ask him for help, or that there’s a part of you that maybe can tolerate him

Word count: 6.2k

Pairing: Frankie Morales x f!reader (reader has a name/nickname, no use of y/n)

Warnings: Angst, tension (in a good way??!!), yearning (AHHH), teenage Frankie (and current day Frankie, for that matter) are down so bad, Santi and Benny play Dr. Phil

A/N: okay I said there would be smut this chapter, but I am a liar, and I am sorry 🤥 I flip flopped some scenes around and it ended up making more sense for some ✨things✨ to happen next chapter instead 🤷🏼‍♀️ I seriously love these two more and more every chapter, and this may have been my favorite one to write so far!! Thank you SO much for all the kind things you’ve had to say about this story- it really means more to me than you know 🥺💛 (sorry for any errors, I didn't have time to edit this chapter as well as I should have!)

All The Things We Never Said Masterlist

Previous Chapter Next Chapter

Frankie, Age 18, Summer of 2007

“Jesus Christ, Morales, you got bricks for feet, or what?”

The Garcia’s newly installed basketball hoop had been a welcome addition to the neighborhood rotation of afterschool hangouts. Santi knows just as well as Frankie and Benny that it’s really nothing but a ploy to keep the boys occupied and out their parent’s hair, but the three have gladly accepted the olive branch Santi’s parents have extended to them, regardless of motive.

Now that the heat of late May has begun to sear off the pavement of Everett Street and the dwindling motivation of senior year is in full force, basketball has quickly taken over as the new after school activity.

Benny and Santi love it because it gives them a chance to get out the competitive angst they’ve had locked away since football season has come to a close.

Frankie loves it because it gives him something to keep him occupied until you come home from soccer practice.

Even then, he still finds himself anxiously counting down the minutes until your car pulls into the driveway, stepping out of the driver’s seat to give him that same goofy wave of approval that frees him from his friends’ constant bickering about where the three point line lays on the cement.

Ever since he told you he was leaving, there’s a part of him that debates forgoing basketball all together, just so he can make it to your house that much quicker when you get home. Now more than ever, he’s hyper aware of every second he has left with you, the internal countdown constantly nagging in the back of his mind before it’s four hundred miles that separate the two of you, not four houses.

Because now, not only does he have 74 days left to figure out how to say goodbye to his best friend, he has 74 days left to figure out how to tell her that he’s head over heels in love with her.

That’s what’s on Frankie’s mind as the pass Santi’s thrown at him rolls right past his shoes and down the driveway.

No shit, he’s got bricks for feet.

“Helloooooo? Earth to Frankie? You gonna get the fuckin’ ball, or what?” Santi shouts, wildly waving his arms, trying to snap his friend out of whatever weird daydream he’s stuck in.

“Oh, y-yeah. Yeah, sorry.” Frankie stammers, half jogging for the bouncing ball, tossing it back to Benny, also barely paying attention enough to keep the rubber from smacking him upside the head.

“Fuck, dude, you tryin’ to kill me, or somethin’? A heads up would be nice next time!” Benny scoffs, trying to downplay the fact he’s nearly just shit his pants from the ball that came out of nowhere and almost took him out.

“S-sorry. My bad.” Frankie grimaces, sheepishly running his hand through his thick, messy curls before rubbing the back of his neck.

Santi and Benny exchange confused glances with each other before turning their attention back to their clearly pre-occupied friend.

“Hey, you good, man?” Santi asks, scrunching his brow at Frankie’s tortured scowl.

“Yeah dude, you’ve been like, super out of it the past couple of days. Everything okay?” Benny adds. He tries to discreetly nudge Santi, givinging him a look that’s meant to ask if there’s something he’s missing. The best Santi can give him back is an ambivalent shrug, just as lost as his friend as to why Frankie’s mentally residing on another planet.

“Yeah. I’m- I’m fine.”

Sure, Santi and Benny aren’t as emotionally mature as their friend, but they also aren’t stupid. It’s obvious there’s something he’s keeping from them, and they’re far too relentless to let it go until they find out.

“Dude… C’mon.” Santi prods, taking a step towards Frankie to poke him on the shoulder.

“Yeah, spill the fuckin’ beans, Frank. What the hell’s goin’ on?” Benny chimes in, following Santi’s lead with another forceful poke.

“It’s nothing! Jesus, will you drop it?”

Santi smirks at how agitated Frankie’s become, spending enough years with his friend to know there’s one thing, and one thing only that’s got him this worked up.

“Is this about Kenz?”

Frankie’s eyes dart rapidly between his friends, the sky and his feet, too afraid to settle in one place as he’s consumed by his own silence, crossing his arms over his chest as he braces himself to defend against the onslaught he’s about to be faced with.

He could lie, say no, keep arguing with Santi and Benny until he’s blue in the face, but he knows it’s no use. Deep down, he has a feeling they already know what he’s going to say. He also has a feeling he’ll never go a day for the rest of his life where they won’t give him ten pounds of shit for it, but Frankie’s desperate. If he doesn’t figure out what to do, there’s a good chance he just may explode.

“You have to swear you won’t say anything about this to anyone.” Frankie sternly sighs, eyeing down his friends with a deathly glare, “Swear you won’t.”

“We swear, man.”

“Yeah, we swear.”

Benny and Santi nod in agreement, too shocked at his agreement to tell them anything rather than asking them to fuck off and leave him alone. They wait in patient silence as Frankie takes a long, shaky deep breath in.

“I um- fuck. Fuck.” He stammers, terrified to hear himself admit what he’s had locked away in his brain for years out loud for the first time, “I’m uh- I think I’m in love with MacKezie. I think I’m in love with her and I don’t know what to do.”

Frankie’s mortified by the silence from his friends in the seconds that follow. He’s even more mortified by their howling laughter that comes after that.

“That’s it? Oh, thank God!” Santi cackles, him and Benny clutching their chests to try and keep themselves standing, “Dude, I thought you were gonna say something fucking crazy. You looked like you were gonna fucking throw up.”

“W-what? Santi, did you not just hear what I fucking said? I literally just told you-”

“That you’re in love with MacKenzie? News flash, Morales, we’ve known you’ve been in love with her since like, the eighth grade. Holy shit, I can’t believe you finally fucking admitted it!”

Frankie’s face grows hotter by the second, his cheeks ablaze with bright reds and pinks, not sure if he’s more embarrassed by what he’s admitted, or the fact that he’s worked himself up for weeks to finally tell his friends something they’ve already known for years and Frankie was too blind to realize it.

“Well, okay- I just- what am I- what am I gonna do?” Frankie stutters, throwing his hands up to the sky, very aware that the admittance of his love for you is only a small part to his greater problem.

“Whatta you mean, what are you gonna do?” Benny questions, he and Santi still giggling over how frantic and flustered Frankie still was.

“It’s not fuckin’ rocket science, Frank.” Santi smirks, giving him a playful nudge, “Just tell her that you love her.”

“Are you out of your fucking mind, Santi?! I can’t just tell her I love her, that’s- fuck, that’s crazy!” Frankie’s all but shouting at his friend for what feels like the most outrageous idea he’s ever heard, crazily pacing up and down the driveway, as if he’s asking his friends for advice on where to hide the body he’s just killed.

“And that would be crazy because….?” Santi teases, anxiously awaiting whatever ridiculous answer Frankie has to finish off the rest of his sentence.

“Because?!” Frankie asks, storming so fast up and down the driveway, he’s about to make fresh cracks in the concrete, “Because, b-because- fuck, Santi, what if I tell her that I love her and she doesn’t feel the same way? What if I ruin our friendship forever and then I get my fuckin’ heart broken and lose my best friend? Jesus Christ, that’s why.”

“You wanna tell him or should I?” Benny proposes, shrugging at Santi.

In a silent agreement, Santi gives Benny a nod, taking a step towards Frankie to grab him by the shoulders, forcing him to stand still enough to capture his full attention.

“Frankie, lemme ask you this.” Santi pauses, bringing Frankie’s gaze from his feet up to his friend, thinking for once in his life, he may actually be willing to give him some serious advice.

“Yeah?”

“Are you blind, or are you stupid? ‘Cause I think you may be both.”

“What the fuck, dude?!” Frankie scoffs over Santi and Benny’s snickering, outstretching his arms to push Santi off of him.

“Damn, maybe he is.” Benny grimaces overdramatically, playing into Santi’s theatrics.

“Fuck off, Benny!” Frankie frowns, starting to regret asking his friends for help.

“Jesus Christ, I can’t believe I really have to spell this out for you.” Santi sighs, squeezing his temples between his thumb and index finger.

“What!?” Frankie presses, nearly fed up with his antics.

“Shit, you’re right Benny, he may be dumber than we thought.” Santi snorts before quickly turning his attention back to Frankie, “Frankie… You do realize MacKenzie’s in love with you too, right?”

Frankie feels his heart stop. He’s partly convinced it’s flatlined indefinitely. The only thing that’s keeping him alive is even the tiniest chance that what Santi has to say is actually true.

That maybe, just maybe, you love him, too.

“Santi, c’mon. Be- be fucking serious. There’s no way.”

Frankie won’t let himself believe anything yet, no matter how badly he wants to. Knowing Santi, he wouldn’t be shocked if he’s trying to pull him in to some sick sort of joke, but the looks on his, and Benny’s faces is all the earth shattering reassurance Frankie needs to know that Santi’s telling the truth.

“He’s being serious, I swear.” Benny chimes in, trying to aid in convincing Frankie.

“Think about it, Frank. The two of you spend every fucking second together. You’re basically already dating without actually dating. And not even just because of the fact you like, pretty much go on dates to the movies or ice cream, or whatever. Didn’t you say she cried for like, an hour when you told her you were leaving?”

“I- I mean, y- yeah, I guess.”

“Or the fact that she’s never dated anyone else and has had you locked in as her prom date since last year.” Benny adds.

“Don't even get me started on the fact you two cuddle every time we watch a movie together, because God forbid you’re not touching each other for an hour and a half.”

“I- I- I- don’t know. I mean, sure, yeah, but just because she does that doesn’t mean she’s in love with me!”

Frankie can feel his insides churn, like someone’s put them in a blender and cranked it on high. He’s not sure what’s more terrifying- that you do all those things but you’re not in love with him, or that you do all of them because you are.

He quickly comes to determine the second is much scarier than the first. Mostly because there’s a part of him that believes maybe you’re just as in love with him as he is with you.

“Fuck, I think I’m gonna throw up.”

Frankie’s knees wobble as he sinks to the ground, bottom hitting the pavement with a thud.

“Well shit, don’t do it on the driveway, my mom’s gonna kill me. If you gotta yak, at least do it on the grass.”

Santi and Benny settle in on either side of Frankie, the trio of boys squatting at the edge of the driveway. Frankie buries his head in his hands, scrunching his face so hard into his sweaty palms that maybe, some sort of reasonable idea will pop into his brain if he squeezes hard enough.

“You guys really think she likes me? Like, actually?” Frankie asks, peeking his head up to look back and forth between Santi and Benny.

“Uh, yeah.” The pair agree in unison, each giving their friend a pat on the back, trying to keep their all-knowing laughter at bay to soothe Frankie through his distress.

“Fuck. Holy shit. So- So what do I do? Just- Do I just tell her?”

“I mean, I’m no love guru, but you like, may wanna be a little more subtle than that.” Benny snickers, giving Frankie a little nudge, “I mean, do you wanna tell her?”

“Yeah. Fuck. Fuck, I wanna tell her so bad.” It spills out of Frankie’s mouth without any hesitation. The more he thinks about it, the more sure he is.

“Like, you’re already going with her to prom and stuff. You could do it then?” Santi suggests with a slight shrug of his shoulders.

“Damn, alright, Mr. Romance over here with the advice.”

“Shut up, Benny. You got any better advice? At least I’ve fuckin’ had a girlfriend before, you dingus, have you? Didn’t think so.”

Frankie’s completely blocked out their bickering, lost in his own train of thought, where all he can picture is you- Your smile, the little strand of hair that you tuck behind your ear when it falls in your face, the way your nose crinkles when you laugh, the little curl in your lips you get when you smirk at him when he tells a stupid joke.

How badly he wishes his lips could meet yours to feel that smirk pressed against his face.

“Do… Do you- Do you think I should kiss her?”

“Jesus Christ, Frankie, what are we, twelve?” Yeah, man, fuckin’ kiss her.” Santi snorts, Benny joining in with muffled laughter in his throat at the innocence of his question, “God, with how nervous you sounded, I thought you were gonna ask if you should like, have sex with her, or somethin’.”

It’s then his brain truly short circuits, his heart about to fall out of his ass and lump in his throat the size of a softball.

He has enough balls to admit he’s thought plenty of times about kissing you.

But right now, he certainly doesn’t have enough balls to confess to his friends, (or even to himself, for that matter) he’s spent just as much time thinking about doing a lot more than just kissing you.

He’s spent even more time thinking about just how badly he wants to.

One step at a time, Morales.

You, Present

“You’ve gotta be fucking kidding me…”

Turning over your ignition to the sound of empty rattles once wasn’t anything to worry about.

Turning it over twice to the sound of silence you could chalk up to bad luck.

But after six different attempts to start your car to no avail, you were fairly certain your issue wasn’t based solely on user error.

“Fuck…” You huff to yourself, yanking out your keys and slamming the driver’s side door behind you as you storm back into the house, now in a race against the clock to get your car not only started, but driveable enough to get you to work on time.

It’s the stupid things like this you haven’t mentally prepared yourself for when it comes to your father’s impending death- Not having a built in mechanic at your disposal to help solve your car issues when something goes awry. It seems selfish to take from the few precious moments you have left with him to pester your dad about your car troubles, but you know for a fact, your dying father has a better chance of diagnosing your issue from his bed than you do hands deep in the engine.

“Hey, Dad.” You grimace, gently rousing him from his half-awake state in front of the TV, “Dad, can I ask you something, or are you too busy dying?”

Your joke is enough to crack a sleepy smile in the corner of his lips, grunting as he turns his head over to see you hunched over the edge of his bed.

“Depends. Is it worth my time, or should I go back to decaying?” He fights with everything in him to let out the softest laugh, a sputtering cough following as his chest rises and falls, trying his best to not let his final days prevent him from being the helpful dad you’d always known.

“My car won’t start. Do you have any idea of what it could be?”

“You gonna wheel me out to the driveway to have me figure it out?”

You both know it’s ridiculous, what you’re asking him to do. You’re not sure what compelled you to think that he’d be able to help solve your problem, but your yearning for the normalcy that’s been absent in your life for so long seems to outweigh any logic.

“I think we could probably crank the bed high enough for you to look under the hood.” You shrug with a sad type of sarcasm, anxiously fiddling with your fingers to try and brainstorm a solution to your time-sensitive issue.

“You know there’s someone four houses down who is very capable of solving your problem who isn’t dying.”

For as hard as your dad fought for his half huffed laugher, he fights even harder for the smug smirk pinching the corner of his cheeks.

“Dad…” You let out a deep breath, trying to not let your eyes roll to the back of your skull from even pondering the idea of admitting to Frankie Morales that you need his help.

“Mackenzie Grace?” He questions back, pretending to be blissfully unaware of your reason for dramatic pause.

“Dad, you can’t be serious.”

“I am, actually. Dead serious. And right now, I’m at a point in my life where that statement can’t be any closer to the truth.”

Unfortunately, that’s an argument you can’t fight.

You sigh again, chewing at your lip to see if your brain can muster any other plausible solution before you admit defeat, but you know it’s no use. Your dad is kind enough to accept your silence as a white flag, sparing you the embarrassment of admitting he’s right. What he’s not kind enough to do, is to let you off without making sure he gets the last word.

“You can’t stay mad at him forever, honey.”

“I can, actually.”

Right now, your dad better thank his lucky stars he’s dying, because any other circumstance, and you would have already been halfway out the door before you put yourself through this conversation again.

“MacKenzie,” He pauses, the frail and wrinkled ends of his fingertips reaching out just enough to rest on the hand you have wrapped around the bar of his bed guard rails, “if I give you some dying words of wisdom, do you promise to listen, actually listen to what I have to say?”

You know he’s about to tell you something you have no intention of wanting to hear. You want so badly to lie, to say “yes”, just to appease him without really meaning it. But the guilty conscious eating you alive in the pit of your stomach won’t let you get off that easily.

“Yeah, I promise.”

It’s soft enough for only you and him, just quiet enough to keep the world out of your shared secret.

“Holding a grudge won’t make you any happier. It won’t change what happened, either. I’d be willing to bet he’s still holding one against you, too. There’s two sides to every story, MacKenzie Grace, and you can’t keep blaming him like you didn’t have a part in what happened, too. He’s already accepted he’s in the wrong for what he did. God bless the fact you ended up just as stubborn as your old man, but at some point, you have to get off your high horse and do the same.”

It’s unsettling, the feeling that washes over you- it makes every inch of your body twinge and wince in a strange sort of self-inflicted pain you can’t shake, the indescribable discomfort that makes you want to crawl out of your skin and evaporate into thin air. The tormented sensation stirring in your gut makes you want to scream and cry and run away, all at the same time.

Because it’s not the truth of your dad’s words alone that make you feel this way- you’ve come face to face with this truth more times than you’d like to count.

It’s the fact that for the first time, you’ve come face to face with the truth, and there’s a part of you that can accept it.

You stand there for another moment at the edge of his bed, eyes peeled to the ground, trying to find the words you’re too scared to admit. Maybe your silence is a loud enough confession.

“I’ll see you when I get back from work, okay?” You lean down and kiss his head, giving your dad’s hand a final, gentle squeeze before you’re halfway out the door, car keys in hand.

“I thought your car wasn’t working?”

Your dad has never been one for “I told you so’s” . The stifled smile and playful glisten in his tired eyes will do just fine.

“Bye, Dad.”

Your dad’s words echo in your brain as you begin your journey down the driveway, terrified by the tiniest amount of weight it’s lifted off your shoulders.

“Holding a grudge won’t make you any happier. It won’t change what happened, either.”

Maybe he’s got a point. But that’s easy to say when you’re only dealing with the idea of Frankie you’ve built up in your head, not when you’re about to come face to face with him in real time.

There’s a part of you that debates just walking to work. Hell, the hour walk it would take you to get to work would probably be easier than the thirty second walk you’re about to take four houses down.

You’ll be lucky if you don’t gnaw off your entire thumbnail by the time you make it to the Morales’s doorstep, trying to clench your fists as tight as possible with every step you take towards their house to attempt to keep your nerves (and nails) intact.

You’re not sure you’ve ever walked this slow to his house. There was once a time that you couldn’t sprint there fast enough, legs leaping over cracks in the sidewalk to meet Frankie at his front door. Now, it feels like you might as well be crawling with the time you’re trying to waste before you ring his doorbell.

You practically tip toe up the steps to the porch, like it’s some sort of crime to be at his house and you’re terrified of being caught. Your finger hovers over the doorbell, outstretched and ready to press, too frozen in fear to move the extra inch it will take to press the rounded button.

“Fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.” You curse under your breath, furrowing your brow at your inability to face his front door. You ball your free hand up to a fist, slamming your knuckles against your forehead with a sigh so heavy, you’d probably give that wolf from The Three Little Pigs a run for his money, “‘C’mon, MacKenzie, just ring the damn doorbell.”

Your heart stops as the tip of your index finger finally pushes hard enough to force the high pitched chime, forcing yourself to keep your feet planted on the doormat below you instead of booking it half way across town.

“One sec!”

The bellow of his voice from behind the door is enough to jumpstart the stand still of your heartbeat, so much so that in an instant, it’s gone from flatlining to nearly beating out of your chest.

At this point, even if you wanted to run, you’re not sure your body would let you.

As the knob turns and draws back towards the house, Frankie’s broad body fills the doorframe. He looks almost as frozen as you, so stunned by your presence, his tongue darts between his lips as a placeholder for the words he lacks.

“H-hey?” He asks it so cautiously, eyebrows scrunching in confusion while he looks you up and down, too scared to say anything else until he figures out why you’ve shown up at his front door.

“My um- My car won’t- I have to go to work and I can’t get my car to start.”

You don’t dare phrase it as anything other than a statement of fact. You’ll die before the words “Frankie, will you help me?” escape from your lips.

“O-oh. Shit.” He cocks his head, the pinch of his face immediately easing along with the rest of his body, standing up a little straighter as he leans against the doorframe.

“Sorry, i-if you’re busy or whatever, don’t feel like you-”

“No- No, I mean, yeah, no, I don’t- shit-” He stutters, pausing as he shakes his head with a little laugh at the ground, trying to compose himself before he trips over his words again, “Yes, I um- Yeah, I can help.”

“O-okay. Thank- Thanks.” You try to fight the tug you feel in your lips creeping towards the corner of your cheeks that mirrors the grin Frankie’s trying so desperately to hide on his face.

The two of you stand there for a moment, feet wriggling in the tips of your shoes and fingers twiddling in your pockets, using every ounce of strength you have to ignore the heat flushing through your cheeks that makes you want to hate him just a little bit less.

It’s hard to suppress when Frankie’s trying to keep up his facade with the world’s worst poker face as he’s beaming ear to ear.

“Let me just uh- Lemme grab some stuff and I’ll meet you over there?” He asks, tiptoeing around what seems too good to be true.

“Y-yeah. Yeah, sounds good.”

You give each other a little nod before he disappears behind his door. You tilt your head to the sky, eyes closed as the deepest sigh of relief you can take escapes your body. It feels like the first gasp you take when you peak above the surface after holding your breath underwater, remembering what it feels like to finally breathe again.

It takes everything in you to pretend you don’t feel the strange pang in your chest as you watch Frankie walk to your house after you’ve made it back to your driveway, his gray shirt clinging to his biceps as he carries over his bucket of tools and brown curls spilling out from under the worn, Standard Oil hat he’s obviously still refused to throw away.

You lean against the hood of your car, arms crossed over your chest, trying your best to seem ambivalent about the whole ordeal.

If you were nominated for an Oscar in the “Pretending to be aloof in front of Frankie Morales while he fixes your car” category, you most surely wouldn’t be winning.

“Hey, again.” He grins as he sets his tools down, mirroring your stance to cross his arms over his chest.

“Hey, again.” You parrot.

“So, uh… Your car?” Frankie asks, nodding over to the vehicle you’re leaning on.

“Yeah, uh- yeah, I don’t know what’s going on. I tried starting it like, five different times and it doesn’t do anything. I’ve never had this happen to me before and of course it’s when I’m trying to leave for work.” You shrug, trying to play into the fact you at least tried to do something before coming to find him.

“Huh. Alright, well, lemme see what I can do, okay?” He nods again, leaving your fingers to play with your sleeves to keep yourself occupied, instead of staring at him, mesmerized by the way you can still hear the gears turning in his brain as he processes. “Can I uh- is it okay if I have the keys?”

You fumble through your pockets, digging out your keys to place them in the palm of Frankie’s outstretched hand, the linger of your touch on his skin just long enough to make you subtly jerk your arm back in embarrassment.

You step back to let Frankie slide past you, watching him try to squeeze himself into the driver’s seat to start your car, half his body still hanging out the open door.

“Are you- are you not teaching anymore?”

“Wh- huh?” His question catches you off guard, the scowl of confusion painted across your face making him quickly elaborate before drawing his attention back to your car.

“You just uh- sorry, you said you were going to work. It’s 5 P.M. on a Thursday in June, so, ya know, figured you probably weren’t going to school.”

He gives the key one more turn before sliding out of the car, carefully passing your keys back off to you before making his way to open the hood. You cautiously follow behind him, arms still crossed against your chest as he props the front of the car up to reveal the engine.

“Oh. Uh- no, yeah. No, I’m uh- I’m still teaching. Normally I do summer school to make some extra money, but because of my dad and everything and not being home, it just, ya know, I just couldn’t. I still wanted something to do to make money and keep me busy, so um, Katie’s Dad still owns The Parrot’s Nest on 14th, so I asked him if I could just do some part time waitressing and bartending and stuff. It’s nice ‘cause he’s been really flexible with everything going on.”

Your eyes dart to the ground as Frankie shifts his view from the inside of the car back to you. The air fills with a heavy pause, like neither of you are really sure how to react to the fact you’re managing a semi-civil conversation that’s more than just one word responses.

Frankie lets out a quiet huff, trying to hide the soft smile curling in the corner of his scruff covered cheeks before turning back to the car, silently tinkering for a few moments before mustering up the courage to speak again.

“That’s nice of him. Didn’t even know that place was still around.” There’s a little grunt as he leans deeper into the car, reaching around to search for some sort of part he wants to check, “I’m uh- I’m glad you’re still teaching, though. That’s um, that’s good.”

“Yeah, thanks.”

Your hands have shifted from folded across your chest to in your pockets, a subconscious move you’ve made as a brick from the wall you’ve built between yourself and Frankie Morales seems to crumble without you realizing.

You let him work for a few more moments before he’s diagnosed your issue, carefully closing the hood and wiping the engine grime on the towel from the tool bucket he’s brought with him.

“So uh- good news is, you just need a new battery. Easy fix. Bad news is, your battery’s dead, and your car’s not gonna start without a new one.” Frankie shrugs, hoping he’s not pushing his luck with the little laugh he gives himself at his joke.

“Fuck. Okay, uh- shit, okay.” You mutter, not necessarily upset with Frankie for delivering the news of his discovery, but angry at the fact you need to buy a new car battery and have no way to get to work. “Um, sorry, give me a second, I’m gonna call Jim and let him know that I can’t make it in today.”

“I- I can drive you.”

You’re sure Frankie’s just as surprised as you when the offer comes out of his mouth, freezing your thumb over your boss’s contact you’re about to dial. Frankie clearly interprets the look on your face as one of skepticism about his idea, quickly trying to backpedal before he preemptively digs his own grave.

“No, I mean, um- if you want. I can- I can drop you off. So you, uh- that way you don’t have to miss work.”

“No, Frankie, it’s fine, you- you already helped figure out what’s wrong with my car, it’s not a big deal, don’t wo-”

“I want to.”

You don’t mean for your sigh to be as audible as it is. It only seems fair, considering there was no world in which you ever considered having to contemplate not only asking Frankie for help, but also spending a fifteen minute car ride together so he can drop you off at work. You chew at your bottom lip as you contemplate the lesser of two evils- be stuck in Frankie’s metal death trap of a car, forced within a 3 foot proximity of him for the entire ride, or miss out on the most hours you’ve been scheduled in the past two weeks for money you really do need.

Swallowing your pride is the toughest pill you’ve had to swallow in quite a long time.

“Fine.”

It’s not even your answer you think shocks him the most. It’s how little he had to argue with you to agree.

You want to roll your eyes at the little smirk of satisfaction he gives himself, knowing you’ve gone 0-2 on your hardened stance of despising Frankie’s guts since talking with your dad. It only stings more that you’re sure Frankie is getting endless amounts of satisfaction that you’ve given into him so quickly.

But fuck, if you didn’t miss that stupid, goofy grin of his when he knows he’s beaten you at your own game.

“Only if your car isn’t gonna kill us first before we get there.” You groan, eyeing down Frankie’s beater truck he’s been driving since he got his license. It was in questionable shape over a decade ago, you’re not sure what kind of deal Frankie made with the devil to keep the hunk of junk up and running.

“She’s fine. Haven’t managed to kill you in her yet, have I?” Frankie rebuttals, grabbing his tools as you follow behind him towards his car.

“Well, there’s a first time for everything.” You sigh, shaking your head in annoyance that Frankie’s still driving this damn thing on principle alone, “How the fuck is this thing even still running?”

“‘Cause you don’t give her enough credit. Got me here from North Carolina just fine.” Frankie scoffs, the two of you settling into your perspective seats inside his truck.

His comment makes you frown at your lap as you buckle your seatbelt, not because of the sass he’s inflicted, but because it reminds you that he’s moved himself states away just to further the distance between you two.

“S-sorry, it was meant to be a joke.” Frankie mutters, looking over at you as he drives and noticing the way you’ve gone quiet, eyes peeled to the ground.

“No, I know.” You reply back, anxiously digging under your nails with your stare still locked on your feet. “How’s um- how’s North Carolina?”

“Oh. Um, It’s uh- It’s fine, I guess.”

It’s then you notice Frankie’s realized the reason for your silence, uncomfortably fidgeting in his seat and grip tightening around the steering wheel as he processes your disappointment.

It’s hard to decipher what he means by “fine.” Fine, like he’s more than fine and doesn't want to rub it in your face how well he’s doing? Fine, like actually a normal amount of fine and he just has nothing of interest to report? Fine, like he’s not fine at all, but doesn’t have the balls to admit it to you?

With the way he can’t bring himself to look at you, it has to be the first or third option. You’re not sure which one is worse.

You’re also not sure why you feel so compelled to find out.

“You still uh- doing um, mechanic stuff for the Army?” You ask, glancing over just enough to watch Frankie’s fingers drum against the steering wheel.

“Yeah. Helicopter maintenance, mostly.”

It’s still not enough to give you the definitive answer you’re looking for. You’re too stubborn for your own good to just quit while you’re ahead. Because of all the questions you could have asked him, the one you ask him next is like voluntarily putting a gun to your head and asking him to shoot.

“Are you, uh- you um, seeing anyone? Samantha, or whatever her name was?”

It’s the first time he locks eyes with you since you’ve gotten in the car. Frankie looks you up and down, tongue running across the top of his teeth under his lips and raising his brows just enough to let you know you’ve got his attention.

Every second of silence that lingers before his answer only leads you to believe he’s trying to let you down slowly before he has to pull the trigger. You brace yourself for the bullet.

“No. I uh, shit- I- Sarah and I broke up a while ago. After um, after Santi’s wedding, actually. No, I um, I’m not seeing anyone. Haven’t really been since then, I guess.”

Your body stays tense, still bracing yourself for the inevitable blow, but it never comes. Not only has Frankie taken his finger off the trigger, he’s put away the gun all together. You’re so stunned you’ve made it out of the question alive, you aren’t quite sure how to react.

“O-oh. I uh- I didn’t know.”

“Are- are you? S-seeing anyone?” He stutters, the words heavy in his throat as he gulps.

“No. After how things ended with Liam, I just- I haven’t either.”

It’s uncomfortable, the silence that fills the car and seeps between you. Not quite awkward, not quite upset, not quite relieved, either. It’s heavy, like a backpack full of bricks you’ve had strapped to your shoulders that you refuse to put down- you’d rather keep burdening yourself with the weight than just take it off, too used to the ache it spreads to every inch of your body.

Maybe, the silence is so uncomfortable because you’re starting to realize how stupid it is to let these types of things keep weighing you down.

Holding a grudge won’t make you any happier. It won’t change what happened, either.

You’ve been so lost in your own head, you’d barely even realized the car had come to a stop, the soft orange and pink glow of The Parrot’s Nest sign illuminating the inside of Frankie’s truck with muted neon snapping you back to reality.

Your hand wraps around the door handle, ready to break free into the parking lot before Frankie’s voice stops you.

“What time are you done?”

You look back over your shoulder, taken aback.

“Why?”

“So I can pick you up.”

It’s so matter of fact, like he had never contemplated any other option from the moment he’d offer to drive you, his soft, brown eyes sinking as you shake your head at him.

“Frankie, it’s fine. I can have someone else drive me ho-”

“Please?”

Your head wants to say no. It wants to push open the door with a half hearted “thanks for the ride” and pretend like the past 15 minutes had simply never existed, wiping the strange pang in your chest and swirling in your stomach from its memory.

Apparently, your heart’s decided it has other plans.

“I’m done at ten.”

“Then I promise to be back here at ten.”

Frankie Morales is a man who’s broken many things.

Your heart, your trust, your friendship.

But out of all the things Frankie has broken, he’s never broken a promise.

And that’s how you know at ten o’clock sharp, you’ll find his beat up Chevy in the parking lot of The Parrot’s Nest, waiting for you.

@chaotic-iguana @bbiophiliaa @pertinentpostmortem @angelofsmalldeath-codeine

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[beforetimes]

feel like this gets overshadowed by the fact that ekko saved jinx at her very lowest, but i think that their relationship 100% works both ways when it comes to helping the other. and the way jinx helps ekko would be in helping him to loosen up / free him of this massive sense of guilt and responsibility he carries himself with.

we see this thematically in s2ep7 and s2ep9 mostly. when ekko goes to the alternate timeline we get the line that it was his tip that lead to vi's death. which i've mentioned in a previous post as something that i think the og ekko would carry as a source of guilt that guided him to throwing himself into helping the people of zaun, a way to work through his remorse.

and in that deleted scene where ekko goes after powder only for her to say she doesn't want to be saved and that she's jinx now, i feel ekko would have blamed himself for that and internalized it both by using it to fuel his guilt complex but also by painting her as someone past saving. in essence he thinks he killed powder and created jinx. someone who only hurts the undercity by working as silco.

but after his dive into the alternate timeline where he sees and connects with powder and realizes all the potential she has when she grows up, i think he realizes that there is still someone to save back in his original world. that jinx couldn't possibly erase everything that made alternate timeline powder who she is because powder reminds him of their childhood and things left unsaid and how things could be different if they both chose forgiveness (sort of elaborated on here).

anyway, i think jinx's role in accepting ekko's proposal to help out with the war on piltover/zaun would be to show ekko a) that he didn't kill powder completely and that jinx was never truly 100% metamorphosized by this job that he sent them on that indirectly 'killed' her and b) shows that she (in his minds eye) chooses to forgive him, relieving a large part of his guilt, and build something better. which is what ekko has been all about. not necessarily forgiving, but building something better. its what he does with the firelights and their commune.

now, how is freeing him communicated in the show?

i think that they show the way jinx's character allows him to be more free in expressing himself through the change in wardrobe. it is more visually vibrant in comparison to his large jackets in the first season when we see him, but there's also less smoke-screening and secrecy. no more masks, no more gloves, no more large jackets that hide the form. everything is on display now! abdomen and face, skin exposed. and jinx's impact on this change from the first season is visually marked by the x on his shirt. she is directly involved in his evolution into this freer, unburdened self.

i felt in this, the artists were showing how jinx's refusal to stay within the lines would affect ekko in making him freer as well. not just physically revealing himself but also maybe through the way her acceptance of his offer to save her again (after the failed deleted scene mentioned) frees him of the guilt of failing the first time + guilt over what led to him thinking he killed powder.

so while timebomb does feel skewed in showcasing ekko primarly as her saviour and jinx as someone who needed saving, i think that there is a reciprocal nature to the type of healing they can offer each other. ekko through his belief that jinx can be good without needing her to be the way she was before and jinx through her relieving ekko of guilt that has ruled his life since he was a child.

[viktortittiforov]

FYI, this is very similar to what you have to undergo in the czech republic in order to access medical and legal transition, and until this year(!) trans people living in CZ were also legally required to get medically castrated ("sterilized") in order to change their gender marker. the country kept that condition even after the european court of human rights ruled that it is a human rights violation, and only scrapped it this year after a czech trans man went to the czech constitutional court with it (i am not naming him because afaik his name is unknown to the public, i think he wanted it that way but am not sure).

as a czech nonbinary person currently trying to access medical transition and to change my legal name to a gender neutral one free of charge, i can confirm it's fucking hell. the humiliating, irrelevant, unscientific, pathologizing side of it is already well-described above, but i wanted to talk more also about the more practical difficulties. those obviously differ between CZ and UK and my experience is within CZ, but i think it may help you get an idea of what a person having to go through such a process really has to undergo, because even though i've known i'm nonbinary for 10 years and have been out as trans and nonbinary + well-informed about the state of czech trans healthcare + a part of the czechoslovak* trans community for about 6 of those years, it was not until i actually experienced this process for myself that i fully understood what an Ordeal it is. and i have (or have had) very close friends who i have seen going through it in real time.

buckle up. this will be long.

(and sorry to OP if i'm hijacking your post. i'm sharing the CZ context in order to also further illustrate the UK one, because i believe they are similar, not to derail the convo in favour of CZ. my intent is for people to better understand what trans people in certain countries have to deal with + for people to know that having access to free trans healthcare is really not all sparkles and rainbows (even as it is still a privilege that many trans people all over the world don't have).

we don't have GICs in CZ. so, in order to even get hormones, you have to:

go to a sexologist. sexologists are the main gatekeepers of medical transition in CZ and yes, it is very bizarre and based on some really old notions of what branch of medicine transness falls under. i also really do mean the word gatekeepers, not just because you have to go to them but because they really do gatekeep something severe. the majority of them are very cis- and hetero-normative (and also sexist), enforce normative gender expectations, see transness as a pathology (though what kind of pathology varies from sexologist to sexologist, some lean more towards sexual deviance, others towards mental illnese, etc), are suspicious of trans people not wanting (certain or any) medical interventions, and do not recognize nonbinary people as being "real"/valid/whatever word you want to use. there are literally 3 (three) sexologists in the country who are widely known in the czechoslovak trans community as being mostly OK (=not the things just listed or at least not as much as all the other sexologists). when i was starting my journey towards HRT (at least a year and a half ago now i think, probably closer to two years), i first contacted the 2 (out of those 3) which are closer to me; none of the "OK ones" are based in the city i live, and i live in the 2nd largest city in CZ. neither of them was accepting new "patients"* for the foreseeable future. luckily the third one was accepting new people, but he is basically on the other side of the country from me, so about 4–5 hours away by train or bus (=an 8hr roundtrip). this is annoying, exhausting, and expensive, as i've had to go see him at least 3 times by now and i still have not gotten a fucking testosterone prescription from him.

it's not easy to get the average sexologist to take you seriously. the three "OK ones" are significantly less gatekeepy and distrustful, but you usually have to do some convincing there, too. that includes dressing the "right" way, giving the "right" answers, having the "right" expectations of transition, etc. you learn what's "right" from the wider trans community and what's "right" is very, very, very normative. for most czech sexologists, you really for real have to prove not only that you're "trans enough"*, but also that once you transition, your current "pathological trans self" will become "normal" enough, gender conforming enough that you will cease being a treat or a disruption to the prevailing social gender order. it's literally designed to be a normalizing process. i have an MA in sociology with a focus on gender studies and for one of my uni essays i conducted a critical discourse analysis of the most prominent czech book about transness penned by czech sexologists, so i think i'm qualified to say this. the whole thing is very foucauldian but let's not get too philosophical here (i will happily tell you more if you ask me though).

if you're lucky and the sexologist believes you may indeed be trans (because of course they have to believe you and of course they're the ones who decide what the truth is), they will (eventually; usually you need several sessions for them to "be sure" or whatever) give you a referral to 3–4 other specialists: a psychiatrist, a clinical psychologist, an endocrinologist and an internal medicine physician. from each of these, you have to get a report for your sexologist.

from the clinical psychologist, they need a report confirming that you are indeed trans (they give you the official diagnosis) and that you don't have any other conditions which you might be confusing for transness, e.g. schizophrenia, psychosis, etc. you don't need me to tell you how fucked this is for e.g. schizophrenic trans people. it's not always a certain no-go for them, but they will have an even more difficult time accessing medical transition.

from the psychiatrist, they need a report confirming you are lucid and don't have any conditions which are potential contraindications to HRT and/or surgery. this can be the conditions already listed above, but also conditions like intense and unmanaged depression and/or anxiety, which might worsen at the start of you taking hormones. i know this because i have depression and anxiety and my sexologist wants to be sure i am stable enough to go on HRT before he gives me the goddamn prescription. this seems like it makes sense on the surface, but it also... completely disregards the fact that a) anxiety, depression and similar conditions will often be improved by HRT in the long run because yknow, less bad gender feels, and b) depression medication also tends to first make your symptoms worse before it makes them better, and no one makes such a fuss about it.

from the endocrinologist, you need a report confirming that you don't have any hormonal conditions which might be contraindicative to HRT, i.e. which make it so that long-term (often lifelong) HRT would be risky/dangerous for you. it's not like there has to be zero risk or danger and many conditions are (i think) just potential, not absolute contraindications, but yeah. this is about the only examination/report that i think is justified and good and makes sense, but it still kind of sucks because at least in CZ, there is not nearly enough endocrinologists to effectively cover demand/need, much less endocrinologists with a good understanding of trans healthcare, and for some reason many are notoriously judgmental cunts eager to insult and belittle people, apparently. more on this later.

finally, from the internist, you need a report confirming basically the same thing as the endocrinology examination, but for conditions pertaining to internal organs and the effect HRT may have on them. this also makes sense and it is also not always needed if there's no reason to suspect (e.g. from your family's medical history) that you have any such conditions. however, it's shitty because for many people trying to access transition this is the first time they get referred to an internist, and a medical condition might suddenly be discovered which complicates their access to HRT. it's obviously good that the condition is now known, but it's shitty when it's so unexpected. my ex-gf (a trans woman), for example, found out she has a condition that makes it more likely she will get blood clots, which sucks because HRT increases your chance of getting blood clots (if i remember correctly). she is now on HRT, but had to wait a lot longer because several subsequent tests needed to be done, and she initially thought this last examination would just be a formality. (this problem with unexpectedness also applies to the results of the endocrinology exam, of course. but this is a wider problem of doctors being unwilling to sign off on preventive examinations...)

if you already go to one or some of these regularly, the sexologist will give you a paper requesting these medical reports instead of a referral. this is lucky, because usually all of these specialists are as difficult to access as the sexologists, or even more so, and if you already visit one you will be spared some waiting time. but it's unlucky if the person you go to is very uninformed about trans stuff and also uncooperative (i am experiencing this with my psychiatrist).

if you have any other chronic health conditions, you will need to also check whether those aren't contraindications. for example, i have some chronic eye issues so i have to get a report from my ophthalmologist, which is going to be fucking difficult because i bet they have no idea how eye conditions interact with HRT and they will most likely be unwilling to research it (even though that's literally their job). it is necessary, i get it, but it fucking sucks that i have to be the one "negotiating" with them about getting this report, said negotiating being tragically close to begging sometimes. czech doctors, and i think doctors in general, sadly often have little respect for their "patients" and believe they always know better, which makes it difficult to get them to do what you need them to do (as i'm sure many are aware).

most of these other specialists, at least in CZ, are similar to the sexologists or even worse, i.e. not only will you usually have to wait months for an appointment (if they even agree to offering you one and don't just tell you to try elsewhere), but they are uninformed about trans healthcare and uninformed about how to respectfully treat trans people, or even straight up transphobic, sexist, queerphobic, etc. perhaps because of this they are often uncooperative and unwilling (more than usual). there are exceptions and when you are nonbinary, you either have to seek those out or lie (=say you're binary trans), but obviously you can only lie to some of the specialists or it'll turn up in the reports and your sexologist is gonna read it and grill you about why you lied (if you go to an enby friendly sexologist and they know you are nonbinary, ofc. if they don't know either, then you can lie to everyone, but that can be stressful obviously). also even the specialists who aren't actively hostile will most likely misgender you if you don't pass, and sometimes even if you do; i've heard of endocrinologists who refuse to respect pronouns until the person has been sterilized and had their gender marker officially changed. apparently until it's legally sanctioned, it's not real, or i don't know.

in case of the sexologist and endocrinologist you will need to keep seeing them long-term so they can keep an eye on your health and well... on you generally, ig. the visits will be less frequent and shorter the longer you take hormones, i am led to believe, but yeah. and this is also good, i think (despite the aspect of being monitored to some extent), but it means your choice of sexologist and endocrinologst has to be strategic and you can't just say you will just go to that notoriously shitty guy near where you live because it's convenient and he can offer you an appointment relatively soon, unless you want to go through the ordeal of finding a new endocrinologist again immediately after your first appointment with that shitty guy.

all of this sucks, the doctors give you reports and requests and referrals but they don't know what the other doctors want, they are not satisfied with the reports (the extensiveness of them or the content itself), they say they can't help you. it's exhausting. apparently they can't just write or call each other to figure it out. you need to do all of that yourself.

that's the ordeal you have to go through just to get HRT. if you want surgery, in CZ you usually have to literally go sit in front of a panel of "experts" so they can grill you on your transition so far, what surgeries you want or don't want and why, what your expectations are, etc. yes, again. and these "experts" change somewhat for each hearing, and they usually know jack shit about transness or trans healthcare. from what i've heard they're very conservative. there's ways to get around this totally meaningless interrogation and afaik most people get the panel's approval and are only in that room for a short while, it's apparently very surface level unless you give them a reason to doubt your transness. but people have to wait months for their hearing. it's a further test of patience.

this is the route you have to go if you want to transition free of charge. i think it's great that CZ has universal healthcare, but universal healthcare comes with a lot of gatekeeping and hangups and problems, bcs the country wants to make sure you are only getting a given treatment if you really need it; and of course, the doctors are the judges of that. also, at least so far, free transition that falls under universal healthcare is predicated on transness being defined in the ICD (international classification of diseases) as a medical problem. it has to be pathologized and medicalized in order for it to be free. it doesn't have to be that way, but right now, it is that way, and it sucks. pathologization plays a huge role in making transness non-threatening to the social order.

oh, and if you're rich and able + willing to pay for transition? in CZ, you can get fucked. afaik, private, self-funded transition isn't really available or perhaps even legal. i might be wrong, and i do personally know one transmasc person who paid for their own top surgery and had it done at a private clinic, but they still faced a TON of unwillingness because the clinic was really worried about being sued. if you have the money (or were able to get it via donations), you will most likely need to go abroad, and if you're planning on returning to CZ after, you will almost certainly have difficulty getting legal recognition (shall you seek it).

whether legal recognition is desirable or necessary is a whole different discussion, of course. i don't want to get into it in this already ridiculously long post, but i wanted to at least acknowledge that legal recognition is by no means neutral and/or unproblematic.

if you managed to read all the way to the end, i salute you. you must be tired. go eat an apple or something.

*czechoslovakia stopped existing over 30 years ago but CZ and SK people still largely intermingle and many slovak people migrate to CZ. i am specifying this because annoyingly enough, many people on this US-centric site still do not know czechoslovakia is no longer a thing, so in case my addition gets some attention, i want this to be clear. please do not talk in the tags about how this is your first time hearing about this. i most likely will not see it since i am not OP but i have seen it happen a lot in posts about CZ and/or SK and it's really not funny or quirky that you didn't know. it's quite insulting, actually. if you want to share the fact that this is new info to you, share it instead with your friends who also may not know, so that they learn. thanks. (yes i'm bitter)

*the term patient implies a hierarchy & is pathologizing = is far from neutral; putting it in quotes to disrupt its seeming neutrality.

*trans enough = see transnormativity; link leads to an open-access academic article introducing this concept but you can definitely find simpler explanations online if you're not familiar with it.

What in the academic fuck is a GIC assesment

A GIC assessment (Gender Identity Clinic) assessment is the psychiatric interrogation you have to go through in Britain if you want permission to medically transition (and some aspects of legal transition too). Also called a Gender Dysphoria Assessment.

It involves answering a bunch of medically irrelevant, repetitive, deeply humiliating, repetitive questions like how you masturbate, what you wear when you masturbate, your sexual history, your childhood history, what toys you played with as a child, your employment, the clothes you like to wear, your relationship with your partners and family, etc. The classic is "Do you imagine yourself as a woman when you masturbate?" It also involves various psychiatric tests to check whether you're psychotic, which are deeply stigmatising. You will likely have to suffer this interrogation more than once if you want certain medical and legal doors to open. If you do not answer these questions "correctly" you may be refused transition.

If you want to get it for free, you'll need to wait several years, possibly decades depending on where you live, to be admitted to a Gender Identity Clinic.

If you want to go private, it will cost you about £500 a go, maybe more. (It's not technically a GIC Assessment unless it takes place at an NHS GIC; otherwise it's just sparkling humiliation.)

At the end of your interrogation you will - if you answered correctly - be diagnosed with "gender dysphoria." There is no way for them to check whether the answers you gave were truthful or whether you just told them what they want to hear. In Britain, about a third of trans people surveyed said they lied or withheld information during these assessments. There was no way for the 2015 American Psychiatric Association Working Group on gender dysphoria - the cis people who created the diagnosis* - to know that the interview data they based it on wasn't also full of people telling doctors what they wanted to hear! The unreliability of that data, some researchers have said, calls into serious question the use and sense of the diagnosis! * Fun fact: Ray Blanchard and Kenneth Zucker were both on that working group!

The NHS spends somewhere between 20 and 90 million pounds a year (depending on how you count it) on doing this.

Contrast that process to, say, the treatment pathway for menopause, where a cis woman who wants hormone replacement therapy can just get it from her family doctor 🙃

If you'd like to know more about this, I spoke about it here in more detail with citations

And wrote about it here

[bengiyo]

Ben's Big BL Blurb 3: Blue Canvas of Youthful Days Blew It, But I Still Recommend It

I finished Blue Canvas of Youthful Days today, and I don’t like where we left off with this show. Let’s get into that, and then check in on some of the other shows I’m watching.

Blue Canvas of Youthful Days Didn’t Give the Audience Catharsis

I don’t begrudge the show going for a happy ending, given how so many other BLs from their home country end with sudden traumatic turns. However, I don’t feel like we got catharsis from the ending at all. I struggle to full articulate my frustration here, but I think I just really wanted an ending akin to Weekend (2011) or Gameboys 2 (2022).

I think these two were in a position where they were unable to be together now, and I think they should have ended on a separation. When Cairo and Gav had to separate at the end of Gameboys, it was the correct choice. They were still building their lives, and Gav wasn’t doing well on his on. Similarly, Blue Canvas established a scenario whereby Qi Lu did not have the power to stop his father from harming Qin Xiao. Likewise, Qin Xiao couldn’t keep the local gang from beating Qi Lu.

I would have preferred they have the boys confront that they were hiding things from each other, and how they both failed to protect each other from the horrors. I am disappointed that we didn’t get a poignant goodbye from them as they accept that they can’t be together right now. I wouldn’t have minded so much a blurb at the end of the show with the pitch for a season 2 that they didn’t get to film (though @thisonelikesaliens commentary makes even what they wrote dour). We didn’t confront the issue with the dad at all, and we didn’t deal with Qin Xiao losing all he’d worked for.

Genuinely, I would have been okay with them getting a tag at the end of the show with them seeing each other on the street again and sharing a meaningful look. However, we never saw them face the music of their double noble idiocy, and that sucks. It especially sucks because we had Let Free The Curse of Taekwondo this year, and so we saw the consequences of this. We could have had these two railing against the world and promising to see each other again. The tag at the end of the reuse of the fantasy sequence feels tacked on and unearned. That kinda sucks more.

Final Verdict: 8, Recommended With Reservations. I really liked most of this show, and I think they wrote some phenomenal characters until the finale here. Like @lurkingshan I ended up not pleased with this ending. I am disappointed in the lack of resolution about the withholding, and I think they needed to face the separation and goodbye. However, I really liked the cast, and I respect the team that worked so hard to get this to us.

On to the rest of the show, presented in no particular order…starting with the worst. I’ll put in parentheses what episode number I’m on as of this post.

Haunted Hearts is Boring (5/7)

Magic, mah friend! Your show is boring. I do not know why these boys won’t kiss, and at this point I feel like I don’t care anymore. They’re introducing yet another ghost next week and I just am so disinvested. I try so hard every time to support Oxin Films and Regal Entertainment, but they make it so fucking hard. Holy shit. There’s only so far the boys being cute can carry a thin concept like this.

City of Stars is Better Than I Expected (2/12)

I am catching up on this show. The acting isn’t great, but I’m really enjoying a lot of what’s happening here. I will report back when I finish.

See Your Love is Fun But Kinda Weird (7/13)

The visuals are great in this show, and the leads are filling in the aesthetic gap left behind by Jimmy and Tommy in a way that really works for me. There’s been way too many pratfalls in the last two episodes. We are at 1.5 pratfalls per episode at this point. The side couple is absolutely ridiculous. I’m having fun.

Caged Again is Becoming a Favorite (4/10)

Junior is the best protagonist of the year. I’m obsessed with this penguin boy. I love the way this show uses its supernatural elements to drive its storytelling forward, even if I think the plot got a little silly in episode 4. The friend group dynamics are so fun, and I haven’t enjoyed a group of Thai boys this much since Knock Knock, Boys! (no surprise, two of them are in this show, too).

Your Sky is a Weekly Delight (3/12)

The 2gether rewrite show is great, and I will be reading no commentary to the contrary. These boys are so great, and they are one of the best couples of the year. This show is doing fake dating in a way that’s just so excellent, because it’s real dating! The boys are genuinely trying to get know each other so they can pretend to be a better fake couple. This is so close to being excellent meta commentary about dating in the digital age, and how so much of dating for the current generation is about how others perceive the validity of your relationship. It’s actually so fun to watch a show where the characters are doing all the things you’re supposed to do when you’re trying to build something with someone, but one of them doesn’t fully understand what they’ve gotten into. This show is great, and I love it.

Love in the Air: Koi no Yokan is so Slick (5/10)

If there’s one thing a Japanese drama is going to get right it’s trauma! This show delivered on Kai’s horrors in a way that was so visceral that I needed to pause and catch a breath. I remain obsessed with the casting of Nagatsuma Reo as Kai, because he’s taller than Suzuki Asahi sometimes. I really love that they didn’t give us the BL height difference trope, and I like that they didn’t style Kai in a way to make him look more feminine. There’s a egalitarian physical balance between Fuma and Kai that I find extremely refreshing, considering the massive class, wealth, and suffering gap between the two characters. It’s no surprise that we’ve had a dearth of gifs of their sex scene, considering it doesn’t play to the kind of asymmetric aesthetics that folks seem enjoy in their pairings.

As always, the Rei and Kai friendship remains one of the best parts of this story, and I like the way this version of Sky talks to this version of Rain about the queer stuff. He feels like he’s being careful with his friend, and not just ghosting him on important conversations about his friend’s sexual awakening (one of my major gripes with the original Thai adaptation).

Our Youth is Taking Over My Brain (4/11)

I have not moved on from the “Infect me” line, and I am still obsessed with the plausible deniability of the “no homo” that Hirukawa relies upon as he continues to pursue Minase. Now that Minase has reached his breaking point, I’m so looking forward to seeing where we go next. We’re due for a major separation, and I’m ready for a Japanese BL to not fuck up a second chance romance attempt this time. Perhaps adapting Korean work could the solution?

Spare Me Your Mercy is a Welcome Return to the Sammon Feeling I Enjoy (1/10)

I just really love when Sammon shows feel like the mystery matters more than the romance, and this feels like it’s in the correct space. I loved the initial setup, and the potential for there to be multiple murderers. I really hope that they start killing younger people in this show, because they said there were only 40 palliative care patients, and we downed three of them in the first episode. I’m so happy to see JJ again, and Tor looks great. I am looking forward to the weekly watch and theorizing with this show. Most importantly, I’m looking forward to the complex meditation on euthanasia, which this story feels like it’s taking seriously.

Love is Like a Poison Finally has Given Us a BL Battle Couple Again (11/12)

We haven’t had a BL battle couple in what feels like forever. I love that this show continues to reward us for believing in Haruto and Shiba. Haruto’s dad is the absolute worst, and I really want him to lose. I love Shiba, and I love that the show continues to give him some of the visual tropes of a legal drama (like the pan up near the end). I’m in love with this show, and it’s going to be one of my favorites of the year, I’m sure.

Fragrance You Inherit Hurts Me Because Everyone is Doing The Right Thing (4/8)

This show is actually so painful sometimes, because no one is doing anything wrong. Everyone is being as emotionally honest as they can be with everyone they speak to about all of the things that are going on. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with Sakura choosing to let go of her lingering crush on Mone now that they’re both moms and their kids are dating. Besides, we presume that Mone is still married! The conversation with On-chan makes me think that Mone misunderstood the relationship Sakura had with him in college (My man is ace but not aro! We love to see it).

I just really love that everyone is trying to do right by everyone around them, and I think all of the things that remain unspoken in this show have been withheld for completely valid reasons. There are no villains in this story, and that makes it even harder to watch really kind people treat each other politely in every scene. I’m just feeling a quiet scream in me the entire time I watch a good son by a thoughtful gift for his loving mother with the help of his supportive and lovely girlfriend, as he prepares a surprise from the old friend who clearly still cares about her friend and the unrequited/unexpressed feelings between them. This show is incredible. Go watch it right now. Thank you again to @isaksbestpillow.

Conclusion

That’s more shows than I’ve been watching in a while. It’s nice to have some Thai shows back in my rotation that I’m actually enjoying. I really want the Chinese to now fuck up their endings, but it seems like 2024 will not be that year. I’ll try to check in with the end of Love is Like a Poison when the Netflix release schedule completes so folks can binge it then. In the mean time, let me know what you’re enjoying, and what else I should consider picking up.

[glitter-stained]

Look, I'll say it: Zurr isn't a magical demon that took over Bruce's body, it's a vilifying, demonizing take on induced DID. I can't keep seeing people fight to defend Bruce's honour in Gotham War by saying "it wasn't actually him so it's not his fault", reject the Lazarus Pit Madness headcanon because "Jason and he alone did his crimes and he has no excuse", and then we're talking about how Bruce's or Dick's trauma is what made him a hero, one post later on my board it's "the lazarus pit madness headcanon is unnecessary because Jason's behaviour is completely explainable and logical if you just take in account that he has cptsd" (or bpd depending on the post) and then that fanfic I had to stop reading because a character literally was screaming at Jason "so what you died get over yourself but you weren't magically controlled by the pit so you have zero excuse and justification for being angry" and then a post about "wow why is Batman punching down on all these mentally ill people", and then in the replies "are you dumb it's because those crazies are bombing orphanages..."

I'm still thinking about that moment in "dumpster slasher" where Batman is like "the killer is still free while poor Elmore [a homeless guy with substance use disorder and major neurocognitive disorder] is being shipped off to Arkham... This doesn't sit right" yeah buddy I'm sure if you ponder that for a while, the reason why the fact the only mental health facility in your city is also a prison for dangerous criminals with no apparent mental illness doesn't sit right with you will appear to you eventually.

Maybe it's time to confront the fact that the difference between a hero and villain in dc is often whether their mental illness is demonized, glorified or minimized. Or the fact that attenuated circumstances and responsibility exists on a gradient and there is such thing as "altered responsibility due to mental illness" in a trial. Maybe it's not "oh it was this evil Zurr/Batman entity, not Bruce/Batman, so there is no responsibility to be taken and anyone condemning those actions as abuse is talking in bad faith" maybe it's "this is a terrible representation of something that exists and should be treated respectfully" and "I don't have to accept this terribly harmful rethoric and fucked up depiction into my conception of my fav's characterization in such a dislocated, often incoherent canon if I don't want to."

And also maybe it's "if we accept this event/depiction as canon it doesn't mean that we have to either bash the character completely or erase his mental illness into something vaguer/mystical that would somehow absolve him of his place in this situation".

And maybe it's "what does accountability for your harmful actions looks like when your judgement was heavily impaired by mental illness, and what judgement can be placed upon you and who decides where people are placed on that continuum of responsibility and how do we acknowledge and go forward into repairing things when severe harm/abuse was done under impaired judgement and also how do you reconcile all of this with your sense of self, (especially in conditions like bpd/cptsd and especially did where the sense of self is already so altered/complicated) with what your values are, what you want to be, what you are capable of doing and what you thought about yourself before the bad thing happened." I don't know any simple, correct, good answer, especially not a one size fits all. All I know is: the desire to be a good person, and be able to distinctively separate people between bad and good, is profoundly human and, at times when lines of responsibility get blurry, profoundly unhelpful. Most people who are going to hurt you aren't mentally ill. Most people who do terrible things aren't mentally ill, and sometimes people are mentally ill and hurt people and the two have nothing to do with eachother. But it is also a reality that sometimes judgement is impaired and behaviour is altered due to mental illness, and then you need to figure out where to go from there. Acknowledging this while also fighting stigmatisation is a complicated business. It's messy. Mental illness often is. I'm weary of any rethoric that pretends it's simple.

[short-honey-badger]

Doll 4

Pairings: Shanks x Female Reader

Summary: You and Shanks drink, and Benn assures you that they're fine with you joining the crew

Warnings: Some darker thoughts from Reader. Abuse and slavery

Doll Masterlist

The port that you met Shanks in isn’t very big, but there are enough shops around to keep the two of you entertained until the ship is ready for departure. After breakfast, you had waved goodbye to the waitress, and then the two of you were back out in the streets. Shanks kept you close, his hand tangled with your own as he pointed out what shops were for what. You knew most of what he was talking about. You weren't so sheltered that you couldn't recognize what's what, but you appreciated it nonetheless.

You quietly admitted that whatever money you'd been able to take from Sabaody had run out earlier in the week before Shanks had arrived. The redhead had waved your concerns away and assured you that now that you were part of the crew that you'd have an “allowance” for lack of a better word. Not to mention whatever cut you were given when they found any kind of treasure. They were pirates after all.

Shanks led you back to the bar where Benn and Yasopp were found at the bar, a drink in hand already, and it wasn't even noon yet. You eye them and then your captain when he orders a tankard of rum, brow cocked when he lifted it to his lips and drained a portion of it. You couldn't help but watch the way his throat worked and blushed when he caught you staring.

The redhead winked, and you huffed, “Do you always drink this early?”

Shanks shrugged a shoulder, lips turned up in a what can you do smile, “What else is there to do but drink and have a good time while we wait?”

You considered his words. The pirate wasn't wrong. It wasn't like you'd been doing much while you waited around on the island. You'd been convinced that you would have just wasted away in that corner, or eventually caught by the World Government and dragged back to Marie Geois. You sighed and then shrugged.

“Get me an ale?”

Shanks grinned and pulled out a chair for you, gesturing for you to sit with Benn and Yasopp, “Anything for you, doll.”

You couldn't help but roll your eyes at his antics and watch him lope over to the bar. While he is gone, Benn eyes the newest member of their crew, looking her over as he sips from his bottle. He doesn't mind that Shanks had brought you on, but he can only hope that you know what you're doing.

The Red-Haired Pirates weren't for the faint of heart. Benn has seen and done things that would make any normal man sick. You needed to understand that while they were carefree and accepting of her new position, they were also one of the strongest crews on the Grand Line. They are a ruthless group of pirates that took what they wanted when they wanted. Other crews had tried to take their spot and were left smoking ruins to sink into the sea. Would you be able to handle that?

“You don't mind that I'm coming with you, right?”

Her voice pushed Benn from his thoughts, and he and Yasopp focused on you. You look a bit nervous now that you've spoken up, but he can see the determined set of your shoulders.

“Even if we had protested, telling Shanks no is like telling the wind to stop blowing,” Benn grumbles and reaches for the pack of cigarettes that sits in his front pocket. He strikes a match and inhales deeply, “But no. We don't have a problem with it.”

His assurance seems to make you relax. He watches you slump back in your chair, a relieved look on your face at their easy acceptance of your presence. It makes Benn wonder what the Celestial Dragons had put you through and finds that whatever answer you would eventually give them would make him hate the bastards even more.

All your life, you've striven to have even a crumb of what these men give out for free. This easy comradery that you can see in each member of the crew. It infuriates you to an extent that you've never been able to have this, but knowing you have it now, that you can grow and thrive under these men, makes that rage cool into a warm simmer.

“Not giving _ too hard of a time, right?” Shanks interrupts as he plonks your drink in front of you and sits to your right. He eyes his first and second mate suspiciously. He'd explained your request to them last night after you'd gone to bed, and they had their concerns, but they were overall fine with you coming on board. It mostly stimmed from the fact that you came from Marie Geois, and the less the Red-Haired Pirates had to do with them, the better.

“We know better than that, Shanks. That's your department,” Yasopp snarked, and the three of you snickered at the captain's expense.

Shanks pouted, lips pursed, but you could tell that he didn’t really mind the teasing. He cut his eyes at you, giving you a pitiful look, “See what I have to deal with, Doll?”

You snicker and take a sip of your ale. The feeling of being able to fully relax is still foreign to you. Back in Marie Geois, getting caught even speaking to another slave could end in punishment. The household that had owned you were very strict in their rules and strived for perfection, and that included the people that they owned. You found it hard to be around the pirates and free people sometimes, fearful that his was all a dream and you would wake up, stuck inside your tiny closet room until your masters called for you.

A warm hand on your thigh makes you jump. You flick your eyes down to see that your captain’s hand spred wide, his thumb dragging soothing circles against your covered flesh even as he banters back and forth with his crew mates. It makes your heart beat a little faster, knowing that Shanks had noticed the drop in your mood so easily.

Should it make you uncomfortable how quickly the redhead seemed to read you? Maybe, but you couldn’t find the strength to care very much about it. The feeling of having someone like Shanks looking out for you was heady and one that you wouldn’t give up without a fight. Knowing how strong the redhead is was one of the biggest reasons that you had asked him for help in the first place. The slave rumor mill was a wide and varied one. You’ve always been a better listener than a rambler in the first place.

Still staring at his hand, it makes you think about his words back in the bakery. Shanks had told the waitress that he was taken and hadn’t told you otherwise afterward, only that he’d wanted the other woman to leave the two of you alone. Would someone like your captain even want someone as messed up as you? As scared and branded? The thought makes you frown, so you try your best to shove it down and focus on the conversation flowing around you.

Shanks eyes the woman beside him. He had practically felt your dark thoughts permeating the air around you, but it seemed like his touch had swiftly brought you out of them. He wished he could tell what you were thinking. If you liked him touching you, because Shanks doesn’t want to stop. He wants to touch you all the time, even if it’s something as small as holding your hand. Shanks wanted to push your limits to see how far you would let him go.

But he also didn't want to make you uncomfortable, to make it seem like now that just because you were a part of his crew that he had some kind of ownership over you. The thought made his stomach churn in disgust. Shanks didn't want you to think he was anything like the people you escaped from. He wanted to be your savior, the man that you could depend on for anything. He couldn't do that if you didn't trust him.

So Shanks would be patient. He would get to know you for you, let whatever mutual attraction the two of you had for one another bloom naturally. Allow you to set whatever pace you deemed fit, and be happy that you wanted his attention in the first place.

[pret-boy]

I'll just answer these straight up because NOBODY LIKES ME!

1. Anywhere with my bf is great but I would love an arcade date. I wanna beat his ass at games. Or get my ass beat. Either way it's fun.

2. I just listen to mentally ill Vocaloid producers and Japanese twinks given musical talent please don't ask me anything like this again.

3. Being accepted unconditionally.

4. Taken I love my boytoy malewife husband I keep him in a small enclosure.

5. Many because I'm very very arospec and I "crush" on people for like 3 hours max and move on. So it's like a fun movie experience to me. If we're talking crushes that lasted at least a week that'd be like... six as far as I remember. People I've dated included.

6. People who are the opposite of me. I like women who are cool and collected and don't fuck with me (and older ideally) and men who are sad wet cats and would die if I looked at someone else. I've only dated the latter though. But generally I also really like people who have a darker aesthetic (regardless of personality) because I have a cutesy aesthetic and visually those are fucking awesome together.

7. Extremely. I speedrun crushes. I will crush on someone 30 minutes into knowing them (happened with my ex btw) and lose the crush the next day. I don't even know if they count as crushes they're like just a fun little thing to spice up an otherwise boring day for me.

8. I honestly don't care. I'd like something wholesome and fluffy though, like festive movies. Christmas movies yay!

9. Sunflowers and lilies.

10. Neither you nor I know. No one does. Divine inspiration strikes me at random. I don't know what a musical note even is but I composed and played a short tune for my ex on our anniversary out of fucking NOWHERE because I wanted to surprise him.

11. Idk.

12. Anything and everything really but giving I'm more of a quality time and words of affirmation person (with acts of service on the side), receiving I like quality time too.

13. My bf's been calling me "darling" lately and it really melts me like fucking butter. So cute.

14. No.

15. Not at the moment actually. I've been busy so I haven't gotten into any new media and my old fictional crushes fizzled out. Does my bf's oc count? I'm obsessed with them.

16. Both are good I'm not picky. If I had to pick, quiet. It's cuter. Yeah boy quiet down. I like men who know their place and shut the fuck up. I really liked this guy in my class who sat next to me and this other girl and we would yap the whole time while he sat there with his knees pressed together and hands folded in his lap like a good little Victorian maiden, not even uttering a single word. Like yep thats a good man right there. Keep that up.

17. Every man I relate to is bisexual. Because I said so.

18. My boyfriend. Pizza.

19. Can't let the hoes know my music taste lest I scare them.

20. Idk. I get a lot. I guess my boyfriend saying I'm scary and he finds it hot is the best recent one.

21. ALL WHEN YOU'RE MY BOYFRIEND BECAUSE HE'S CUTE AS HELL!!!! But in general I love cheek kisses. I'm a serial cheek kisser. Toxic masculinity be damned my boy (me) can kiss his friends on their cheeks and hold them affectionately.

22. Back.

23. I won't say because it's an instant giveaway to who I am fr. I'm like the only man that insane about him.

24. NOTHING THAT BRINGS ME PLEASURE MAKES ME FEEL GUILT! I AM HEDONISTIC AND FREE!

25. I love PDA. Not hardcore making out in public or some shit but y'know.

26. Gently? Also with jokes and if I'm upset because of someone, hate on them and tell me you will hex them and they're ugly and doomed to die alone while I'm beautiful and a winner and god's favorite (all very true btw). I love envisioning my opps' downfalls.

27. PSYCHOLOGICAL TORTURE! PLAYFUL BULLYING! PUTTING MY BELOVEDS IN A CAGE! BEING INSANE! YAPPING ABOUT THEM 24/7! MAKING THEM SCARED! MAKING THEM CRY! WAITING FOR THEM TO COME BACK WHEN THEY'RE BUSY! MAKING TIME FOR THEM! SENDING THEM THINGS THAT REMIND ME OF THEM! TELLING THEM ABOUT MY FATHER (I FUCKING HATE MY FATHER)! And of course comforting them and making them feel safe. Also beating the shit out of my loved one's enemies (for real) and praying on their misery. I have a lot of loving sadism in my heart but also I'm a sweetheart angel who loves people unconditionally and doesn't know what the word grudge means. Unless you're mean to my loved ones then I'll fucking kill you.

28. Both. Whatever my bf wanna be I'll be the opposite I'm a very accomodating and flexible man.

29. I love sad wet cat pathetic loser men so much I wish they were real.

mlm ask game!

1. ideal date location?

2. favorite mlm song?

3. what makes you feel loved?

4. are you single or taken?

5. how many crushes have you had?

6. what's your type?

7. do you develop crushes quickly?

8. best show or movie for a date night at home?

9. what are your favorite flowers?

10. what would you give as a gift on an anniversary?

11. what's your favorite album?

12. what's your love language?

13. what are some pet names that make you blush?

14. do you read fanfiction?

15. any fictional crushes?

16. loud boys or quiet boys?

17. any characters you headcanon as mlm?

18. what's your comfort food?

19. last song you listened to?

20. best compliment you ever received?

21. kiss on the lips, cheek or forehead?

22. scalp massage or back massage?

23. any celebrity crushes?

24. what's your guilty pleasure?

25. do you like PDA?

26. how do you prefer to be comforted?

27. favorite way to express affection?

28. big spoon or little spoon?

29. freebie! ask or prompt to share something random

[emsprovisions]

❄️ Day 1 - The Wingman ❄️

🎁 Today's drabble is dedicated to @eclectic-sassycoweyes!

Summary: While TK is babysitting Jonah, he meets a really sweet barista!

Word count: 765

Jonah screams from his stroller as TK pushes him and TK only feels more and more embarrassed as he backs them into Starbucks. Especially considering everyone sitting in the coffee shop looks cozy in their festive sweaters, with their holiday shopping in bags at their feet. 

“Shh,” he coos, “You’re okay, Jo-Jo, you’re okay.”

Jonah only continues to cry and TK is officially getting looks from the other patrons. He really needs his caffeine fix because toddlers are exhausting and TK is certain he looks as frazzled as he feels.

“Hi,” he says when he finally gets to the counter, after waiting in line and trying to console Jonah the entire time. He rolls the stroller back and forth in a rocking motion even as Jonah keeps wailing. “I’m so sorry about him...We passed a park on the way here, I said no, it was a whole thing.”

The barista leans forward across the counter and smiles down at Jonah in his stroller—which actually manages to get the toddler to stop crying out of his curiosity at the new face smiling down at him—before looking back up at TK. TK’s breath catches as warm, brown eyes turn on him. “Your son’s really cute,” the man–Carlos, judging by his name tag–says.

“He’s actually my baby brother,” TK laughs awkwardly. He’s not sure why he’s quick to clarify as he stares at the handsome barista. Usually he just accepts it when people assume Jonah’s his kid because it’s not worth explaining otherwise to strangers he’ll never cross paths with again. 

“You have nothing to be embarrassed about,” Carlos smiles at TK. “It’s way too cold for the park today and he’s just being a kid. You’re doing a good job looking out for him.”

“Thanks,” TK laughs. “I’m just babysitting but I really did need to hear that today.”

“What can I get you? I’ll make it a venti at no extra charge,” Carlos’s smile is warm and TK sort of wants to melt in it as he grabs a plastic cup and holds up a sharpie, poised and ready to take TK’s order. 

“That is incredibly sweet of you, thank you. I’ll have an iced gingerbread latte with a double shot of espresso and gingerbread cold foam please,” TK says with a grateful smile. “And a tall hot chocolate at kid’s temp for this little guy.”

“And your name?” Carlos raises an eyebrow as he glances back at TK, his bottom lip drawn up between his teeth.

“TK.”

“TK,” Carlos repeats like he’s swirling TK’s name in his mouth like a flavorful wine. “That’s nice.”

“Thank you,” TK breathes, so completely lost in the barista’s eyes. 

He pays for their drinks and rolls Jonah forward to the end of the bar and finds a free table where he can sit and face Jonah. 

“I got you a hot chocolate, buddy, are you excited about that?” 

Jonah begins to bounce excitedly in his seat with a happy clap.

A few minutes later, the handsome barista personally delivers their drinks to them. 

“Oh my god, this is so sweet of you,” TK gushes. “Seriously, you didn’t have to do that.”

“It’s my pleasure,” Carlos shakes his head with a tiny smile. “How old is he?”

“He’s two,” TK says, “probably explains a bit of the tantrum.”

“Oh, who doesn’t wish they could still throw tantrums and get away with it?” Carlos chuckles. “Seriously, he’s fine. He’s very cute…not unlike his big brother.”

TK practically chokes on his coffee as Carlos winks at him and slinks off, back towards the counter. Suddenly, something on TK’s cup catches his eye. 

In addition to TK’s name and order, a number has been written on the cup with a smiley face and a, “text me! -Carlos.”

TK’s eyes shoot straight up, back to the barista, looking smug as he steams milk behind the counter. He quickly types the number into his phone and texts: do you always give your number out to guys you meet at work?

TK watches Carlos grin as he discreetly checks his watch and reads the message from TK flashing across it. A few minutes later, TK gets a text back: Only when they’re really cute.

TK’s head whips up and Carlos smirks as he catches his gaze, winking at TK. TK just bites his lip. He thinks this barista might just hopefully be the death of him.

“Hey little brother, thank you for being the best wingman ever,” TK chuckles quietly, shaking his head. Jonah just stares curiously at TK while he drinks his hot chocolate.

[raayllum]

bc i've been rewatching the back half of s4 and i have thoughts/feelings about N'than

Rayla goes to him after the dust settles.

There are more important things, maybe—Claudia and Viren have the map; the coins containing her parents' souls are burning a hole in her pocket—but she came back, and that includes... coming back to her old self, maybe. The one Callum had fallen in love with (Rayla saves people; she's selfless, strong, and caring) now that she's finally felt the warm embrace of his arms.

So while Ez gives Zubeia an update, and the Dragon Queen works through what to do next, Rayla finds N'than sitting on a rock by the two guardians of the Gate. He's jittery, knee bouncing as the flowers in his hair wilt.

"Hey." She stops, waits. He has to be even younger than Ezran—maybe even younger than the age she remembers Ez being, at ten years old, by a year or so. "Is this rock taken?"

N'than's lips twitch. "It might've been a nice one for your tombestone —so ahead."

She snorts. The dark sense of humour is refreshingly Moonshadow, and even a bit Callum-y (not that he's joked much since she's come back and upturned his life, again) in its own way. She quickly sobers though.

"Are you going to be okay," she asks as gently as possible, "going back to your village?"

I'm supposed to catch my own dragon. It's what you have to do to grow up and become a real Drakerider... But I just can't do it.

Any brightness in his eyes falter. Then he shrugs, wiping his nose on his minute shirt sleeve. "Yeah," he says, tone only a little wobbly. "Yeah, I'll be fine. They don't know I helped you guys or set their little blue zapper free." He glances over at Zym with a fond look, though that flickers too. He musters up a smile. "They probably haven't even noticed I'm gone, honestly. I disappear a lot."

Rayla goes quiet for a moment, thinking. She's never been the best at saying the right thing when she's supposed to, and she hates bringing it up at all, but...

"My village banished me," she reveals, N'than's hazel eyes widening. "For sparing—showing compassion to humans."

You lied to me! You let him go!

She sniffs. "I think you did the right thing, letting Zym go. Helping us. It was good of you."

He'd guided them through the Pit and Path of Despair. It's only fair that she helps guide him along his, if it's there. If he could use a little help.

They always told me outsiders are dangerous, but you don't seem too bad.

She speaks over the lump in her throat. "I know sometimes it feels like you have to do—to be—who your village wants you to be. That there's nowhere else to go. But there are always people out there who will accept you for exactly who you are."

I have to go after him.

I know.

Rayla nudges N'than's shoulder with hers. "You just have to find them."

N'than hums and leans into her the way Ez does sometimes. "I think I'll go home," he decides. "See if they can change, first. Second chances and all that, you know?"

Garlath, she knows. "Mmhm."

"But if they can't... maybe I'll find a dragon to befriend, rather than control. And we can find a new home."

"That sounds like a good idea—oh!" N'than's arms are thin and tightly wound around her middle.

"Thanks, Rayla," he mumbles into her shoulder. "I'm glad you're not super dead."

Rayla shifts and settles, wrapping her arms around him too. She smiles, the flowers in his hair and something like acceptance blooming in her chest. "Thanks. I'm glad too."

[usafphantom2]

Blackbird Rising in the California Sun.

The SR-71 program was about freedom.🇺🇸

This picture reminds me of home. As an Air Force brat, I do not have a home town but I consider Beale Air Force Base my home because I have lived there so long.

Our family arrived in March 1965 Colonel Doug Nelson he was the man who hired my Dad for the SR 71 program in January 1965 was there, to greet my father after a few problems with finding a house that was acceptable, we moved into a three-bedroom house toward the end of the street on Ridge.

Then my Dad was ordered to go to Test Flight / SR- 71 school at the Skunk Works so the whole family moved to Lancaster, California. We came back toward the end of the school year April 1966 so I started the third grade at Little Rock AFB then went to the third grade at Lancaster California finished up the third grade at Beale Air Force Base. After that TDY we stayed there until 1973. I finished the 11th grade.

Then we moved to North Dakota. That’s another story. I will totally admit that I was not a serious student. I cared more about rock ‘n’ roll records and going to dances at the teen club than schoolwork. Starting with the fourth grade, most of my friends, and their fathers flew the SR 71.

( When I was old enough to ride my bike I did branch out and became friends with children who lived on the NCO side of the base. I remember them all fondly.)

All of my neighbors either flew it or supported the SR 71 program as a child. This is all I knew. I didn’t realize what an honor it was to be raised in a community of Habu, to be surrounded by Habu‘s as neighbors and the Parents of my friends.

As children do, I thought that this was normal and that everyone had the same characteristics and standards. I just want people to know that these men were different because they put their lives on the line over and over again for the love of their country. They wanted their children to live in the United States, where they could be free from Communism.

This was the backbone of the SR 71 program to ensure that our country would stay free. Reconnaissance airplanes were essential for protecting and preparing our country from our enemies who wanted nothing more than to take over our country and force us into their way of life. Communism is only a good thing for the leaders. The top 1% of the communist party has all the money and perks. The people under the communist domain are not free they can’t even leave their country. They can never talk back to the government.

My point is the A-12/ SR-71 program was not about speed records. It was not about airshows. It was all about freedom 🇺🇸🇺🇸🇺🇸

Written by Linda Sheffield

@Habubrats71 via X

[nerdishpursuits]

Today’s episode was hard to watch. No doubt about it. But, sadly, this continues to be a reality for many women and raising awareness is crucial to combatting ignorance. Does it ever get any easier watching a woman being abused? Never. Is it necessary to show how terrifying and traumatic such events are? Yes. Even as Fina was rescued before things escalated further, this will profoundly impact her sense of self: her mental health, her emotional landscape, her relationship with her own body. The Fina we know is a vibrant, confident, deeply sensual woman. I’m sure she’ll be all that again but, for now, she’ll most likely have some form of ptsd. It’ll be another uphill battle but Marta will be by her side, every step of the way (given they’ve chosen to walk this thorny path, I’m hoping they’ll treat it with more care than Begoña’s own story of abuse; if done right, this can be a rewarding journey portraying the healing power of love and friendship, triumphant in the face of bigotry, victorious in the face of adversity)

Circling back to Marta. I can’t begin to imagine her despair at discovering Fina was abused. That all she’d been so desperate to prevent from reoccurring, has been attempted again, more violently than before. The guilt she’ll feel will be immeasurable, no doubt. And it will consume her from the inside out if she allows it to take root. Nothing is more hateful than failing to protect the one you love. And Fina is Marta’s everything, her whole world, her raison d’être.

Therefore, yet again, I’m going to remember that their story is meant to be one of hope and light. Which is what they are to each other. They’ll heal together, they’ll heal each other and grow all the stronger for it. The show’s not let us down so far. I trust this will end up a catalyst for many rewarding scenes together.

Which brings me to the foul reason they need healing to begin with. Thinking on it, it’s probably a mistake to call Santiago a psychopath, even as he displays plenty of traits that merit said label. He’s very much aware of his actions and deserves no leniency. Ultimately, he’s the product of a regime that glorifies in the systemic oppression of women. One whose very ideas, and ideals, derive from a deep-rooted misogyny. In Santiago’s purposeful narrowmindedness, a man is the epicentre of a woman’s life. Not being treated as such is considered a grave error and needs correcting. He’s the prideful despot who cannot fathom, or accept, rejection. One who cannot conceive of a world where he’s not given his due, as per the teachings of a society that views and treats women as second-class citizens, deserving of less and inferior to their masculine betters.

It’s all too clear Santiago’s worldview is also profoundly narcissistic, which makes his continued harassment of Fina even more disturbing. He genuinely believes he’s being magnanimous and merciful, extending his goodwill to her, the proverbial biblical sinner, so she can atone for her mistakes and be saved. In his own eyes, Santiago is a good man. In his misguided vanity, patronising and emboldened by a system that favours him at every turn, he even declares himself as such: a self-proclaimed saviour and Fina’s only path to salvation from a life of sin. Her sole path to redemption.

Truly, this character is utterly despicable and I cannot wait for him to eat dirt. But I also suspect he’ll cause more trouble until Fina and Marta are free of him for good. And while I’ll celebrate his demise with bells and whistles, I think the actor portraying this vile, sorry excuse for a man, is doing a spectacular job. They all are. Alba and Marta especially. Which is why this drama hit so hard when it made landfall. You feel Marta’s anguish and hopelessness, you experience Fina’s abject terror, you rage against Santiago’s condescending abuse.

That being rambled? Do I hate what Fina went through this episode? Wholeheartedly. It made me sick to my stomach, even as I’m grateful it ended with an attempt only (which doesn't make it any less of a violation). And damn, do I hate it’s necessary to show this nowadays because 2024 might as well be 1958 for many women still.

Also. I’m glad Marta didn’t have to ask Jesús for help, because she’d have never lived it down. Ultimately, I’m sure she would have done anything to liberate Fina from prison, even asking her older brother for help. But I’m glad the chosen path didn’t involve him. In fact, I’m pleasantly surprised Damián rose to the occasion. He keeps learning how to support and love Marta and he’s one gray character whose evolution I’m quite enjoying.

And finally? Marta so at ease with Carmen and Claudia. They’ve come such a long way and it’s a joy to see. From Marta feeling like she didn’t belong, back in the day, to them all falling into a much needed group-hug, knowing they can always rely on each other. Fina’s friends are becoming Marta’s friends and I love, love, love their scenes together. Not to mention they’re all kinda related now too, which adds some much needed levity.

Remains to be seen how they deal with the stigma of this entire situation. Poor Fina might as well have been branded with a scarlet letter and there's plenty more fires to put out once she’s out of prison. On the bright side, they’ll know whom they can trust and whom they need to keep hiding from.

Hopefully though, on to greener pastures at some point. Preferably healing at the Mafinca. Slowly but surely. And always, always together.

[thependancer]

An analysis of the voices in Moment of Clarity

Before we get into the analysis, a little note:

1- I am mostly trying to show how the trauma has affected each voice compared to them on their normal routes. If they have deviations in other chapters and I have stated them as trauma responses, correct me.

2- I tried my best but some voices are just difficult 😭. So sorry if I couldn't give a satisfying explanation to your favourite.

Without further ado, let's begin:

Firstly, it should be noted that what exactly happened after you decided to stay with The Nightmare is something not even the voices themselves are sure about. But what we do know is that whatever the events were they were horrific. The voices have tried everything up to this point except freeing her. And since nothing was working and it was only making things worse, they are effectively useless now. Even the Narrator acknowledges that they are all extremely traumatized.

So let's see how these voices handle trauma.

1) The Voice of the Broken:

The voice of the Broken has shown incredible resilience and empathy in the past. And in this route he is somehow even more broken. He is also on the "Free the Princess" team, however he only wants to do it because he wants this misery to end. He has the most interesting explanation as to why we(the player) can't remember being here through all those lifetimes.

"Maybe you're shattered in your own way."

Ding Ding Ding. We've found the trauma response. The Broken has been shattered more than he already was. His will and empathy have run out. Where once he probably tried accepting the Princess, the Princess just shattered them further. He just wants to be done with it. As he says, "She smashes us to smaller pieces."

2) The Voice of the Cheated:

The voice of the cheated is the only voice to comment on the absurdity of us having so many voices. And he says it as if he's complaining about it. It's the only thing he can really do in that situation really. The Cheated does NOT like losing. But after complaining for so long and ultimately getting no where, he just accepts defeat at this point.

"It doesnt matter what we do. Because we always find her. And if we don't find her, she always finds us."

Subsequently he is on the "I don't fucking care what happens anymore" team. That isn't to say he doesn't want this to end. He does but he has just given up on trying to 'win' and get an ending. Effectively he wants to quit now. And he doesn't care if it's by completing the game or hitting alt+f4.

3) The Voice of the Smitten:

The voice of the Smitten has an interesting trauma response. The relation here is almost parallel to the relation Broken has with The Tower, except somehow worse. Smitten is incapable of seeing faults in the Princess. And when questioned if we really do love her after all shes done to us he tries to justify his love by saying

"To be given an ounce of kindness from something so pure would be more pure than any other love."

After we say that the voices in our head are wrong, he replies

"She is the ONLY THING that's right."

The Smitten is heartbroken. He's like that ex you broke up with but he still texts 'I love you' every night. Except the Princess has probably toyed with the Smittens love. But the Smitten can't not love her. So he decides he must become good enough to earn the love of "our cruel and beautiful godess". And the only way to do that is to free her. He doesn't want freedom he wants affection.

4) The Voice of the Hunted:

The Hunted was already one of the weaker voices mentally. Here he's just completely silent. He has like 6 lines the whole route. Which is only 1 more than the Stubborn. The Hunted is scared. He is almost paranoid. He doesn't even tell us to do this or that. He doesn't even comment on the mirror.

I personally feel Hunted was so broken that like a scared animal he decided it was better to hide. He does speak out in agreement to Cold when he says we sealed our fate by not killing her. Interestingly, the response is very minimal. Primitive even.

"Kill or be killed."

Which if you know Hunted, is not a normal response. He usually wants to run or hide. He never wants to kill, just survive. But here he says it would have been better to just kill. So whatever Nightmare did has made Hunted go from run to hide to kill or be killed. Wow! This is like prey animal that when cornered will just lash out in violence if they have no other choice. And that's exactly what Hunted is.

Now we start getting into some really interesting deviations.

5) The Voice of the Opportunist:

The voice of the Opportunist is so unbelievably broken its unreal. First thing to note is he already has an opinion. Secondly, he defends his own opinion. That isn't very opportunistic. He doesn't even flip flop like in his other routes. He's so different in this one, almost as if he's gained empathy as a response to trauma. He eve tries to comfort other voices like the Broken.

"You did your best really. There's just a pecking order."

And he is the only voice who tries explaining to Skeptic why his constant questions are bothering them. He does it in a positive way as well.

"They're good questions. Great questions even. But they just don't have any answers."

And he clearly doesn't care what the others think about him at this point. He's also the few voices that have some semblance of sense. Like when Cold tells them to be unfeeling, Oppy says,

"He's not wrong. He's the only smart one left if you ask me."

Again a very different opinion from the rest of the voices that deem Cold to be a nuisance. He's in the minority here. And yet when you return and start making choices, he's so relieved.

"I'm sure whatever you settle on, it'll be the best possible decision you could've made."

The reason he's relieved is because there is someone actually in control. There is a decision maker he can agree with. Finally, someone to try and suade. But this is still the most resolute we've ever seen him.

6) The Voice of the Stubborn:

He is probably the most fed up with everyone else's bullshit. Interestingly though on this route he isn't urging us to face the Princess. The only route where he isn't in a hurry to reach the cabin. He has completely lost the spirit to fight. If you got knocked out, this Stubborn could not revive you. He still wants to get physical, just can't. Who's he supposed to fight? The Princess? That's already been tried. The other voices? Now that's an idea.

"Shut up. You {Contrarion} were here."

Fight me. It's right there he wants Contrarion to punch him so he can punch him.

"Ugh. Here you {Skeptic} go philosophising again. It never goes anywhere."

I'm mocking you what you gonna do about it? Fight me. But it's hopeless. He can't even be bothered to instigate a fight anymore. But he's the macho man. What will the others think of him if he isn't aggresive? The truth is others don't really care. But he does. So he says to smash the mirror. Partly cause he wants to feel the spark of a fight again, partly cause that's what others expect of him.

7) The Voice of the Paranoid:

He is STRESSED. To the point he's constantly thinking about the Princess. He only has one goal in mind. Free the Princess. Escape. Get out of here. Make the thoughts stop!!!!

Such a precious broken boi. He just wants peace. He states,

"(Freeing her) It's the only way to get our thoughts back."

He can also feel eyes on him. Not sure if that's just Para being Para or due to trauma. But he is growing restless because of it.

"She's watching us. She never stops watching us."

He also doesn't talk much. Like he's scared the princess will hear him. He was always quiet but he's unnaturally quiet. He also really really wants to free the Princess. Overall he's Paranoid, can't think about anything except wanting to free the Princess so he can have his thoughts back.

8) The Voice of the Contrarion:

Contrarion has always been a nihilist. Nothing matters so let's just have fun cue laughter. However, here we can't really have fun. So his attitude becomes, nothing matters cue laughter. Which just makes him seem so sad.

"There's no difference between fine and not fine. It just goes on and on."

We know that Contrarion does hate himself. But here he's trying so hard to hide it here. He does not want to look at himself. He doesn't even want to think about himself. When Skeptic starts to question identity. He's also been asked this before but he would rather look away than look at himself.

"Yes this is far from the first time you've asked us about consciousness. (In a mocking tone) 'Who am I?', 'What am I?'; (Angrily) What is 'I'? Who even cares."

The Nightmare has broken him so much but he'd rather ignore it. When the voices are telling us what to do with the mirror in the cabin, he says

"Just go around it."

He's so done with himself. He doesn't even want to look at himself. He thinks that the most disgusting thing he could see HIMSELF. Not only this he tries to dodge almost every question we pose.

"What does here even mean if you think about it?"

He doesn't want to acknowledge anything even remotely related to him. Where was I? It doesn't matter, nobody really cares about me.... atleast I don't.

9) The Voice of the Cold:

The voice of the Cold has barely been affected. Makes sense. But what's interesting about him is he has actually been affected. He either doesn't know or he is purposely ignoring it. He has become more irritable. He develops a form of empathy. He has some pity.

" I've tried to keep them numb but they are all too soft. A shame, really."

That doesn't sound like the backseat driver Cold we know? Cold wants to help the other voices but he well can't.

"You're lucky you haven't been stuck here like the rest of them. There's no other way to keep going. You either need to forget or you need to stop feeling much of anything. They can't do either."

The Cold tried to help them. But the nature of the voices doesn't let them be helped. Cold is severely disappointed because of this. He even blames the player for ending up in this position when he says,

"You sealed our fate when you refused to kill her."

He just wants the player to make decisions independent of the voices. He's seen what they all do. He sees that it always ends in losses. He thinks the player was there when the other voices were having a try. He thinks the player was just listening to their requests.

"You always give too much space to others. It's why you always lose."

He is also the chattiest in this route. He also has many lines where he just tells us to be unfeeling. He's trying to protect us as well. But he's also bored. And he just wants it to end because he's bored.

10) The Voice of the Skeptic:

Possibly the most broken of the bunch. He is TRAUMATIZED. Normally, Skeptic is the most grounded. He's the guy who always has a plan. But here? He's useless. He realises this. And just breaks. He can't answer any question. How many times have we been here?

"Many many many many times."

Skeptic, wheres the numbers? Was I here?

"Are you your memories? Or are you the one perceiving the present moment?"

For someone who really loves answers, he sure doesn't seem to have any. The most logical voice being turned completely insane. He can't accept anything.

"Can we love something that hates us? Can we love something that hurts us?"

He's trying to distract himself. He doesn't want to think about the situation. He doesn't want to THINK. That's so bizarre. The Nightmare has broken Skeptic so much he doesn't want to do the one thing he loves to do. In fact when we reach the Long Quiet his first words are,

"I can finally think again."

11) The Voice of the Hero:

The voice of the Hero has a reaction that would make anyone furious at the nightmare for what she did to our boy. Hero is normally jocund, enthusiastic, understanding, and overall lovely. But here he is depressed. He doesn't talk much which is unusual. He always has something to say. But he's just so defeated. When the Narrator tells you the only thing you can do is go to the cabin, Hero replies

"Or you could just give up."

Hero says that. Not Broken. Hero. Our Hero. The one who is always encouraging us through our journey. The one we can trust no matter the circumstances. Our best friend. This line is the most terrifying part of Moment of Clarity. If we had any optimism going in, it had left us in this moment.

"You're lucky. What I would give to be able to forget."

Please someone comfort our boy. He deserves all the chocolates in the world.

In the Long Quiet

Once you reach the Long Quiet the voices seem to ease up a little. They see death within arms reach and think it a mercy. As Hero puts it:

"Something tells me this is the end of the line, but I don't feel bad about it. I'm ready."

Which is a striking contrast to his usual plea to not look at it. His fear of death is converted to a longing of it. Which could be seen as a another proof of why the Narrator's utopia is wrong. Because people who have lived a nightmare long for change and even death. And so he is at ease.

The Broken says,

"It feels okay."

Which is huge for our boi. Broken never feels alright. He is always sad or depressed. Something is always not okay with him. But after living through a nightmare, things finally seem okay. And so he is at ease.

The Paranoid says

"The fear's gone."

Again an amazing development. Paranoid always feels watched, and he's scared of who it is and why is he being watched. But in his final moments, living through a nightmare, he realises that the fear has no place in him anymore. And so he is at ease.

The Stubborn says,

"I'm done fighting."

This statement is a confession. He had long lost the spark for a fight, but here he can finally admit it. He doesn't want to fight anymore. He doesn't want to resist anymore. He wants to let go, and he does. And so he is at ease.

The Smitten says

"My heart feels quiet."

The fire of passion is fierce. And here it burns the Smitten. He wanted affection. He desired a connection with the Princess. His heart was incapable of doing anything but. Now as he is unraveled, his passion is extinguished. His heart is quiet. He never did get the affection he desired but realised he didn't need it. And so he is at ease.

The Cheated says,

"The game was always going to end."

For him, this is an ending screen for a rage game. He hated the experience the whole way through. He constantly faced losses. But he persevered. And so he found the ending. After all, no matter how extensive the game was, it was always going to end. He is glad he didn't quit. He got to see the ending. And so he is at ease.

The Cold says,

"I'll be free of all of you."

The worst part about this nightmare wasn't the nightmare itself. It was the fact it was hurting the ones around him. They got hurt abd yet he was as unfeeling as ever. He knew he had to be right. After all, wasn't he the only sane one left? Now as death approaches, he doesn't have to help carry the burden of others. And so he is at ease.

The Skeptic says,

"I'm ready for the truth."

The Skeptic was thoroughly broken throughout this experience. A man of reality shatters when reality shatters. And the thinker's response to doubt is to seek. But no answers were present in the nightmare. Now there is something that is very clear in purpose. Something easy to test. The mirror is death? Alright then let's see the truth. There are answers again. And so he is at ease.

The Hunted says,

"I'm ready to sleep."

An animal who has tried everything to protect itself and failed over and over again. A wounded creature who was pushed to his limits. But he is very tired now. He tried his very best. Yet it seems death is inevitable. He has remained vigilant and fearful throughout the nightmare. Now he feels safe enough to rest. And so he is at ease.

The Contrarion says,

"I'm just ready to be anywhere that isn't here."

The nightmare had shown him how low of a person he could be. He has come to associate that version of himself with those wretched circumstances. As he leaves that place behind he leaves behind his self hatred. He wants to get on with it already. He finds esteem in himself and his voice now echoes with joy and pride. And so he is at ease.

The Opportunist says,

"Boys..... it's been an honour."

The one who has never experienced true connection. The one who is constantly at odds with himself and everyone. Throughout the nightmare he garners genuine connection and empathy. He realises that the ones he should truly support are those that he loves not those that are the top of a pecking order. He finally finds that connection in this moment with the others. And so he is at ease.

And so they are at ease.

[sophieinwonderland]

I need to ramble about my favorite moment in Slay the Princess!

Huge Spoilers Ahead! Do not read if haven't played the game and ever plan to in the future!

(Spoilers specifically for the Happily Ever After and the end of the game.)

In Slay the Princess, you begin in the woods with someone in your head known only as The Narrator. The Narrator informs you that there's a princess locked in the basement of a cabin and you need to slay her.

In every path you go down, the narrator is constantly trying to convince you to slay the Princess. But you don't have to do it. There are other options. Other paths that you can take that lead to different results.

Through the game, it's revealed that each version of the Princess you encounter is part of a being called The Shifting Mound, which represents change and destruction. The narrator is an echo of a mortal man who wanted to make a world without death. He was so committed to this ideology, to making a world where no one would ever die again, that he gave his own life for the cause. The narrators you interact with in each run are just imitations following out his dying wish... making sure that you Slay the Princess.

Once she's gone, everyone will get to exist exactly as they are. No more fear, no more howling chaos. Just life. Forever.

If you could successfully kill the Princess without dying, you're given the "good ending". You are "rewarded" with the Narrator's idea of perfection. You get to stay in the cabin. Forever. In a world unchanging, unending. Where you need not eat or sleep. A life endlessly prolonged.

While the narrator tells you that this is great, it's obviously not and the game encourages you to take your own life to continue, with one of the voices in your head sensing that it wouldn't be the end for you.

This brings me to the Happily Ever After scenario!

This happens down a route where you fall in love with a version of the Princess called The Damsel. After unshackling her, you can convince her to stay with you in the Cabin.

The Cabin is transformed into a palace fit for a Princess.

But there's a problem. Neither of you are actually happy with your happily ever after. All the meals you share together gradually get worse. You grow bored of all the games you play.

It's miserable. She's miserable trying to make things work and pretend like everything is okay when what she really wants is to finally be free.

She asks to dance with you under the stars, and even the narrator seems to accept it.

When asked about why he's okay with it after he claimed her leaving the cabin would end the world, he replies with this line:

I've seen my fairy-tale ending, and I think there might be worse things than the end of the world.

The significance of this line may not be apparent on the first playthrough of the game, but what he's saying is actually pretty incredible character development.

This is an echo of a man who gave up his life to end death. If he failed at his goal, his sacrifice would be meaningless.

When he encourages them to leave, I don't think it's just because he was moved for the player and Princess's sake. I think this was a breakthrough moment and he realized that this fate was what he would have everyone in the universe suffer were he to succeed and change was successfully eliminated from the world.

This was his dream. This was what he fought for. What he died for.

And it was horrible.

So he did the thing that he would have had everyone stop doing. He changed. He changed his mind and rejected the very ideology that he died for.

The Narrator isn't given a backstory. We don't know his name. We don't know what his life was like when he was alive. We only know his goals and the extremes he would go for to reach them. And yet, in this one time, in this one reality, he changed and realized the error of his ways.

And I think that this is really cool. It shows a dimensionality to the Narrator that isn't visible through the other timelines. They didn't need to write the Narrator this way here, they could have just had him stay as the voice in your head constantly trying to convince you to take the Princess's life, but I find it so important that they did write him this way in this chapter. Because it demonstrates the values that are so core to the game's narrative and themes, that change is possible for anyone. That it's a necessary part of life. And what better way to demonstrate that than by showing that even the person who sacrificed everything to stop the world from changing could change, himself?

And that's why, despite being such a simple line on the surface, this is one of my favorite moments in the game.

[adallinda]

Headcannons BEN Drowned.

Starters first he died at the age of 14 and I do personally think he is the same case as Sally, he does not age nor physically nor mentally. We all know that Ben basically "controls" the electronics. I always liked to imagine that when he wants to be alone he just goes inside an electronic and hangs out there.

When it comes to personality, he is very bubbly but sarcastic as hell if that makes sense. Extroverted, very extroverted. Likes to pull harmless and actually funny pranks on the others in the manor.

His appearance will always be the one of a 14 year old. I think he has blonde hair but with faded dark green ends, that would look so cool. For fashion sense literally dresses for comfort not style. T shirt and jorts and some cartoon socks (can you tell that this is how I dressed at 14 yrs)

For friends he would totally be best friends with Jeff and silver. I think the whole fandom settled down on that one. I also the relationship between him and Sally brotherly. Shipping them is fucking weird. Also unpopular opinion, best friends with Nina. Like I totally see Ben being into scene/emo stuff and Nina just telling him about the politics and style. (I feel like everyone would be friends w Nina, can y'all tell I have a fav girl)

Spends time playing video games but every time someone says he's addicted to them and angel loses its wings. I feel like he would print posters and put them up his wall while listening to music or just draw. Likes to go to random trees and carve things into them like his name or anything to be honest.

When it comes to interest, forgive but my little pony... I'M SORRY BUT LOOK STRAIGHT INTO MY EYES AND TELL ME HE WOULDN'T LIKE MY LITTLE PONY LIKE. (Fav is rainbow dash) He also likes horror games like silent Hill or OMORI but still MLP better

I think his very short since hes only 14 like when I was 14 I was 5'6 so idk I think he would also be 5'6. Idk Americans heights I only know centimeters so that would come around 165-167 😿

His fav animal are definitely dogs. Has a ton of fun with Smile dog. Plays catch with him and honestly everyone in the manor loves smile dog, who wouldn't. Totally prefers dogs rather than cats, I still feel like his fav pet would be a parrot tho, I don't know why, maybe I'm just going insane writing this.

His favorite season would totally be autumn. He just seems that kind of person where you look at them and instaly know their fav season, autumn. He likes to see how the leaves fall and change color, likes to make those big piles of leaves and just jumps in it.

When he was still alive I think he would get sick on a regular basis, he's happy that now he can't get sick or go to the doctor to be treated or do those vaccines that you do at a specific age.

Most of his time is spend playing games but he really likes spending time with friends too. He likes to talk with silver about Pokemon and games in general, he likes to draw and gossip with Sally and he also really enjoys just talking with Jeff in general. There isn't really that much to do with Jeff rather than to talk shit about people or train.

Since he is a ghost I do think he is capable of going in the city whenever he wants to. I mean most proxies are but they don't do it that often due to the risk of being recognize but since he's a spirit he doesn't have to worry about that.

Speaking of music he is totally into Pierce the veil, like I do view him as the type of person to listen to electronic music but Pierce the veil goes with anything. I don't know ANYTHING about music genres so I'm gonna name any electronic bands😿

When it comes to killing I think he would drive his victims insane but when he wants to do it quick I just think he would electrocute them.

Never liked being a proxy but there isn't anything he can do about it. Honestly I don't think anyone likes being a proxy but most, like him, accepted their fate but still dream that one day maybe they'll be free.

How is he treated in the fandom?

From the very beginning when I joined this fandom in 2016 I saw people going crazy over Ben drowned. And I understand, it was 2016 and everything was very unrestricted, not a safe space for kids and teens and you would see some fucked up shit on the internet on a daily basis but I feel like now that we grew as a fandom and grew mentally we can all agree Ben isn't treated how he should be. He is a great character and very good written. His original story, BEN, where he gets stuck in Majoras mask and it was an ARG and nobody knew it wasn't real was so well done. But ts clear that Ben and BEN are both children, no matter of which one we speak.

The ships

First, he's a child, he shouldn't be shipped with anyone. It first started with Sally. There are so many wrong things here, in Sally's original story she dies at 8 years old and Ben at 12 (in my AU he is 14, no big difference) , that's a huge gap. Secondly why ship minors.

After the Sally incident it went along with Jeff which is more fucking worse. Not only that Ben is 12, Jeff is 20+. That is wrong on so many levels and I'm sure you're mature enough to know and I don't need to list down every fucking reason.

After Jeff, came silver. Which I don't know much about silver so I don't know if this is problematic or not. I'm not gonna put my opinion on this just wanted to include him too since he is apart of this too.

How people viewed him

Literally nothing changed when it comes to how people view him. There are only 2 ways, you either see him as k1nk1 and perverted or as a stoner and a crack head. What the fuck. I don't think I ever met someone who does NOT think of him like that, it's trully sickening and weird. And it has always been like this. It's a huge problem that sadly the people in the fandom choose to ignore rather than speak about it and try to fix it. A problem won't fix itself if no ones speaks no one speaks up about it, and not just one person, more.

Excuses

Many people use excuses when talking about why they go crazy over Ben. I don't believe there is any excuse, you're just weird for doing that. The only excuse that seems KINDA valid is being the same age as him, I can't say anything at that but 15+ and still having a crush on Ben? No. Just no.

When you're the same age as the character, I can't say anything but older than that specific character? It's just wrong, in any way. People, especially adults, need to stop having crushes on characters younger than them or that are literally minors.