#so happy to finally learn what was planned for it!! ive been hoping for this day for over half my life at this point its a dream come true

[italyveneziano]

Finally getting the answers to what the plans for HetaOni were honestly feels like this

[pleasedontcareaboutme]

It's missing my father hours rn so imma just dump a bunch of pictures here and cry

( sorry i don't know the source of anything I just had them on my phone)

(also dont read the tags i just need to let it out lol)

[badplayerana]

Current favorite cherik fics - pt6

part 1 | part 2 | part 3 | part 4 | part 5 | part 7 | part 8 | part 9

A bit of a different one this week, quite a few WIP in there that Ive been obsessed with and crave every update like hard drugs. enjoy <3

Best Laid Plans by InterstellarClark (WIP - updated today and ohhh my goddd)

Alpha Erik is tired of waiting for the right person to settle down with, he’s ready to be a father and have a family again. Omega Charles has lost everything, his inheritance, his job at Columbia, and needs a next step. Both of them turn to Stark Surrogacy, hoping they can find a future.

Punnett Squares and Metal Hearts by roseghoul (WIP - slow burn done RIGHT)

Charles Xavier taught biology at Westchester High School and has for the past seven years. If you were to ask his sister, Raven, then she’d say it was a waste of his Ph.D., but he was inclined to disagree. Founder of the Students With Disabilities Club, he’s created a bit of a name for himself at the school, nurturing an environment that encourages learning and acceptance. Erik Lehnsherr has thirty-six years under his belt, yet not a single one has been spent teaching, despite his Industrial Arts degree. Yet he accepted a teaching position, in the United States, of all places. Desperation for a new life would lead many to do rather rash things. After many months and piles of documents and certifications, he’s now a shop teacher at Westchester High School, and his first year is just around the corner. It’s a week before the first day of school when Erik meets Charles, and he’s put off by the optimistic man, yet curious to learn more about him. Charles, ever the kind soul, is eager to bring a new teacher under his wing, but his reasons are far from selfless, enraptured by the handsome, mysterious man with an even more mysterious history.

we recognize each other and call this love by mapofyourstars (so beautiful)

The nine times that Erik and Charles' souls met each other; and the final time their souls vowed to never be apart. A Reincarnation AU with a happy ending.

Lift me from my preconceptions by LimerenceKing (read this once, forgot to bookmark it and spent sooo long trying to find it again bc I couldnt stop thinking about it. go read!)

Online dating is hard enough, but being both mutant and disabled made it much harder for Charles. He thinks he finally finds someone, and sets out to go on a date with her.

Kintsugi by xtinethepirate (another series, perfect if you want a longer read)

When Charles had told Hank there would be a time when they would all be together again, he hadn't meant immediately. In Charles’s mind, that indeterminate time was something more along the lines of “in a few months or a year, once Erik realized what a colossal ass he had been and Charles had stopped wanting to punch him again.”

[loveandmurders]

Ya ain't love me... yet IV (Bo Sinclair x female reader)

Hello everyone! I'm so happy you seemed to have enjoyed this little Stockholm syndrome series with Bo x f!reader. If you have missed it, the first part is here (you can find everything on my House Of Wax masterlist too).

Hope you'll enjoy this finale <3

Warnings: no proof reading, mentions of sexual activities, mentions of murders, a little bit of angst, fluff.

For once, you opened your eyes before Bo. You slowly remembered what you did with him the night before as you felt his naked body against yours. You truly wanted to hate it and to feel bad about it. But you couldn’t. You had truly enjoyed yourself and you even surprised yourself thinking you wouldn’t mind having sex with him from now on. You watched him rest. You took the time to observe him and you found him handsome. You had noticed the marks on his wrists last night, and you wondered what happened to him. You almost felt sad and angry. It was strange, because you were supposed to hate him and to enjoy his suffering. Something was changing, or had changed already. You were wondering about it a lot. Especially because you knew you were getting closer to a crossroad; soon you would need to pick between getting back to your previous life or staying by his side forever. 

It was obvious he was trusting you now. You were certain that if he always woke up before you, it was because he couldn’t let his guard down. After last night, he could. He was probably thinking you were in love with him now. You started to play with his curls, without realising it, as you were thinking about the consequences of your future choices.

You would never be able to truly get back to your previous existence because your boyfriend and friends were dead, and because your family and the police were probably looking for you all. It had been months you were missing now. It meant that you would need to tell them about Ambrose and about the Sinclairs. Something inside of you hurt at the thought of destroying their existences. And you weren’t too sure you wanted to face them in front of a judge. The Sinclairs treated you well in their own way. Plus, you didn’t want your family to treat you differently than before, but after this, they would pity you or not understand you. You would be the girl who got kidnapped and lost everything in the South of the country. You would be a survivor, you would be forced to go see a therapist to talk about everything. And you would be forced to realise that maybe it was a mistake, that maybe you wanted to live in Ambrose, away from your previous life.

Indeed, a growing part of you thought you might be free in Ambrose because you didn’t have to deal with your parents’ plans for you. Your dead boyfriend started to talk about having children with you because your parents told him it would be a good idea. He agreed with them. And it felt forced on you. Your parents picked the studies and the job they wanted for you. It had always been their plans for you before your own. Your friends were good to you, most of the time, but they were dead now and you weren’t too sure you were missing them that much. Here, you could restart your choices. You were certain you could find a job near Ambrose once Bo would trust you enough to let you go. It would be something you truly wanted to do. You could also learn how to paint with Vincent. You could laugh around with Lester. You could… be happy with Bo. Plus, you like to have a town for yourself because here, no one could tell you what to do or how to dress or how to behave.

You were free.

You unconsciously kissed Bo’s cheek and snuggled against him as your mind kept wandering to an existence in Ambrose. You didn't want to find this so appealing, but you also didn’t want to come back to the real world. You snapped back to reality when you felt fingers gently tracing your spine. Bo tightly hugged you as he fully woke up. He wanted to ask you if you were his girlfriend now, but instead he asked you what you were thinking about.

“Ambrose” you replied and he tilted his head to the side, confused

“How so, baby girl?” he hummed, drawing abstract patterns on your skin

“It’s not such of a bad place” you said and you weren’t even sure anymore if you were lying or if you were telling the truth.

“‘S a better place now ya’re here” Bo murmured, lazily cuddling with you.

He reluctantly went to work that morning.

You were quite silent that day, as you couldn’t stop thinking about what your life had become and about what you should do. You thought you needed to occupy yourself or you would go crazy, so you decided to bake something. You had never done this before but you knew the brothers had a sweet tooth. In the middle of your preparation, you realised you were making a chocolate cake to make them happy. You didn’t have the time to question it because you felt Bo kissing your shoulder. You had to resist the urge to smile at the gesture. It was scaring you; did you fall in love with him? Did you want to be a Sinclair, after everything that happened? Was it too late to run away?

“Watcha doin’?” Bo asked

“Chocolate cake” you quickly replied as he wrapped his arms around your waist and kissed your neck.

“That’s nice” he mumbled against your skin “Might convince Les to stick ‘round” he commented and you nodded.

“Hey, Bo” you whispered as an idea sparkled into your mind

“Yes, doll?” he hummed back

“Maybe we could go eat out tonight, like in a restaurant.” you offered. Bo stayed silent for a few instants, silently debating with himself

“Why?” he finally asked

“For a date… Isn’t it what you do when you have a girlfriend? Don’t you bring her to nice restaurants from time to time?” you replied with a cheeky smile. You were playing with fire. Bo turned you around and tried to read in your eyes if you meant what you just said. He cupped your face and pressed his body against yours.

“No game?” he questioned, his breath tickling your lips

“What game?” you asked back

“I’ll think ‘bout it” he finally replied before moving from you. You were quite disappointed but you didn’t say anything.

He started to cook the meal as you finished off your cake. He noticed how silent you got and he felt bad about it. He didn’t want to upset you, especially now things were getting good, especially when you were calling yourself his “girlfriend”. He was afraid you would use the restaurant to run away from him. At the same time, if he didn’t show you some trust, he knew you would always be a little bit afraid of him and he didn’t want that. If one person was supposed to never be scared of him, it was his soulmate.

“Ya really wanna go to a restaurant tonight?” he asked and you shrugged “Ah baby, don’t pout” he hummed and he hugged you. “I’ll ask Lester for the address of somethin’ nice” he finally said; he couldn’t stand your silence. You smiled.

“Really?” you excitedly asked and Bo only nodded. He felt butterflies flying in his stomach at the sight of such joy coming from you. He was wrapped around your little finger and he hoped he wasn’t making a mistake.

The whole journey to the restaurant, you thought that it was going to be the night. Tonight, you would have to make a choice. His hand on your thigh was distracting you from your thoughts though, unable to take a decision.

You and Bo had dressed up a little more than usual, and you even put on a little bit of mascara, eyeliner and red lipstick. It was the only few products you came with, but it was good enough and you could tell Bo enjoyed the sight of you all dolled up. He couldn’t stop complimenting you. And truth to be told, he wasn’t half bad himself.

When you arrived, you were surprised by the very romantic setting of the place. Bo made sure you enjoyed it as you followed the waiter to the table he reserved for the two of you. You rarely went to a restaurant like that, but you really liked it. It was a nice change. Bo was very careful because he didn’t particularly like to be surrounded by strangers, but he was eager to make you happy. Once you both decided what to eat, he took out a little box from his pocket. You raised an eyebrow at him.

“You’re getting me gifts now?” you gently teased and Bo smiled

“Bringin’ ya to a date without a gift… Ain’t feelin’ right” he shrugged.

He tried to play it cool, but he was really worried you wouldn’t like the jewel. It wasn’t something he found on one of his victims. For a first gift, he wanted something special. It was a silver chain with a little diamond on it. It used to belong to his great grandmother. It was one of the only valuable items his family ever owned, with his ring. You opened the box and gasped. You hadn’t expected something so beautiful.

“Are you sure?” you asked with wide eyes. No one ever gifted you a jewel that was so delicate, refined and pretty.

“Ya like it then?” Bo asked, quite relieved. He got up so he could help you put it on. The diamond settled right in the crook in between your collarbones, shining against your skin. It was as if the necklace had been made for you. 

“I love it, thank you so much. I have no words… You shouldn’t have” you babbled and Bo enjoyed it, shaking his head.

“Ya deserve the world, baby” he replied.

You smiled and you forgot that your plan was to find an issue and to run away from this man. How could you still want it when Bo was his absolute most charming self that night? He called you beautiful more times than you could count. He cracked quite a few jokes and he managed to make you laugh. You saw the way his eyes lit up at the sound you made and he brought your hand to his lips. He was certain things were finally getting good, and he was hoping so badly you weren’t thinking of escaping anymore, that you were in love with him, even half of what he was feeling for you would be enough for him. He was finally able to make you happy too. He flirted all dinner with you, and you couldn’t help yourself but flirt back. You were enjoying yourself and you felt like your ex boyfriend never existed. Deep down, you knew you didn’t want to run away anymore. 

But you needed to know something.

You leaned towards him and whispered so he was the only one who could hear you, not that anyone was listening to your conversation anyways.

“I need to know what’s going on in Ambrose, Bo. I can’t live with you without knowing why you do this.” you said. You didn’t want to ruin the mood, but it was important. Bo kept your hand in his and thought about the right way to answer you.

“Why askin’ me this now?” he replied and you bit down your bottom lip

“Because we’re a thing, and that I should know about it.” you said

“No, no need for ya to know ‘bout it.” he shook his head

“If you keep secrets from me, it means I’m not part of the family” you hummed and you were clearly touching something sensitive for Bo. You had noticed he was a family man.

“It’s for the House of Wax” he finally replied and he hoped it would be a good enough answer for you. You didn’t understand what that meant at all and you simply stared at him, in pure confusion. “Vinny is making wax statues,” Bo added. But you still didn't get it how it was relevant. "With the tourists"

“Oh” you simply whispered. You stayed silent for a little while. The Sinclairs weren’t just robbing and killing people, they were also using them for the House of Wax, as statues. You didn’t know how to react to this, or what to feel about it. Bo worried a little. He kissed the back of your hand once again, trying to get your attention back on him. “They’re there then” you whispered. Bo knew you were talking about your friends so he simply nodded. “And him?” you asked. Bo looked away before shaking his head. He had made sure there was nothing left of your ex boyfriend, of course.

You excused yourself to the bathroom. Bo didn’t stop you but he was on edge. He was really afraid you were going to do something stupid. He was already regretting that he told you the truth. He should have waited for the two of you to be at home, so he could have been sure, you wouldn’t have tried to escape him. He was trying very hard to convince himself that you loved him now, and that you wouldn’t care about the murders anymore.

You tied your hair up and washed your hands before refreshing your makeup. You were trying to busy yourself to not think about what to do. You were glad there was no one in the bathroom with you. 

You watched yourself in the mirror for a little while, as if you could see your future in your reflection. Your eyes first fell on the necklace Bo got you, then on your face. You noticed you didn’t seem afraid, you didn’t seem sad, you were just lost. You were supposed to want to leave, you were supposed to be disgusted by what Bo admitted to you, you were supposed to want to call the police on him and his family. 

You saw in the mirror that there was a window in the room. It was big enough for you to pass through it without too much trouble. Yes, it was your moment, you could try to run away now. 

Now or never.

But why would you want to go? You had been treated well in Ambrose and you could hope to have three dangerous men wrapped even more around your finger once you would fully forget about your past. You could be whoever you wanted to be, you could be truly happy. In your previous life, you were always thinking about your parents, your boyfriend and your friends first. What was the point now they were far away from you or dead? You didn’t want to get back to the world you used to know, you wanted everything a killer could give you.

Bo relaxed when he saw you coming back and you smiled at him.

“I’ll ask Vinny to give me a tour of the House of Wax, I’m curious about it now” you admitted and Bo tried to read on your face if you were truly alright. You grabbed his hand. “Thank you for telling me and trusting me.” you added and he nodded. “You know… Months ago you told me that I wasn’t in love with you yet. But I think I am now”

At those words, Bo kissed you like a mad man. He had never thought he would have the privilege to hear this from you, because he hadn’t been so sure he would be able win the game, but he was glad he did.

He did because even monsters deserve a happy ending.

--

Taglist : @lacychick ; @adalwolfgang ; @hollabackgrl ; @number1120 ; @the-number7 ; @hisokas-cardz ; @iwantsleepplz ; @loveinglymessedup ; @jojooasis ; @robin-the-enby

[ashe-stxr]

RIDDLEBIRD VN CGS 6/16

Edward has taken to letting off some steam by endlessly complaining about the other guests, tearing them apart by insulting every little thing about them that annoyed him.

Oswald's too tired to do much else but listen, amusedly watching him as he gesticulates wildly, only cutting in whenever Edward manages to miss something.

i am so so SO sorry for disappearing for a couple weeks,, between gaining a cherik hyperfixation, stressing about the election results, and losing power for several days, i havent exactly been in the creative mood lately 😭(lowkey i also kinda forgot about this blog whoops) i believe i said somewhere that i was planning on having the CGs done by the end of november, but its looking like the end of the year now (i sure fucking hope so at least, seeing as i have the month of december off from work for the holidays)

however, on the good news side of things: i think i have someone who will be doing the music for the visual novel !!! which, quite frankly was the thing that gave me the push to start working on the cgs again, because that is a HUGE weight taken off of my shoulders. dont get me wrong, ive enjoyed making music in the past, but i would have to learn a whole new program in order to do the things i want. and at this point i think it would be better both for me and everyone who plays this game if i just got the help of my friend who literally went to college for music instead of just stumbling through making amateur songs

(anyways, now its time to talk about the CGs lmao)

this is the last CG of the confession route !! which means that not only is this the first of the 4 routes that has all the lineart done for it, but this is also one of the last super romantic CGs thats in chapter 1... im gonna miss drawing them happy and in love 😭 but thats what i get for prioritizing the confession route

fun fact: this CG set is the 3rd largest one with a total of 23 pictures ! although thats going to change in the final product cause 8 of them are placeholders for the animation im planning on making. also the 1st and 2nd largest sets have 28 and 25(?) because for some reason i decided to make them the most complicated they could be LMAOO

and since im posting this the day after thanksgiving, i just wanted to say thank you to everyone that has taken an interest in this project so far <33 i never thought i would get this far along in this project and i hope people enjoy playing it when i release it for playtesting. ive wanted to make a visual novel for years now, so the fact that im actually doing it now (even if its going slower then i wanted) is just absolutely crazy to me :]]

[lvmimis]

Hello hello! If you're up for it, I'd love to submit a fluff prompt for shoto with the song i was made for sunny days (the weepies) 💛

Wishing you a happy and cozy sunday with izuku!! (and/or this asta boy ive been hearing about) ☺️✨️🌷

thank you so much for sending this ask and sorry it took so long to get to!

“What’s got you smiling like that?” Fuyumi pipes up, cheerfully.

She’s talking to Shoto, who hasn’t lived in his family home for more than a couple years now but takes the time to see his older sister, who despite everything has decided not to leave the Todoroki estate on Sundays, and make breakfast for whoever will show up. Part of this started as a hope for Natsuo to come back home, and as an emotional supportive gesture for Rei who remains repentant still for their tumultuous childhood, but now it’s turned into a small something special between just Shoto and his sister.

Shoto turns, handing her a bowl of mixed eggs, and tilts his head over so slightly. The smile is still gently tugging at the corner of his lips and Fuyumi is grinning widely in return. 

“Huh?” He hasn’t realized.

“What are you thinking about?” she presses, taking the bowl from him and as it sizzles in the pan, Shoto realizes somewhere in the pleasant silence his thoughts shifted towards you once again. He has a date planned later today with you, yet another brunch date because no matter how much he eats, he can eat again if only to spend time with you, and it occurs to him that he hasn’t let his family know about the brightest thing in his life currently.

Perhaps it is time to share.

“I’ve met someone.” Shoto says finally, leaning carefully against the stove counter as Fuyumi rolls eggs into perfect pillows. She keeps her attention on the pan, but she’s listening intently, to the way his voice softens at the word someone and before she can ask further questions, he offers up more.

“She’s bright in a way that makes it easy for me to smile, I guess,” he adds. There’s an inner joy to you that is effortless and pure and he doubts there will ever be a day that he thinks of you anything less than fondly. 

“Can I meet her?” Fuyumi asks. 

Shoto prepares tea and juice for the table and ponders the home from which he hails, which is far from typical and easy to love.

Yet in this small time since he’s gotten to know you, he’s learned much about your heart.

“Soon.”

[typosandtea]

Sorry to everyone who follows me for silly drawings! I haven't been posting much as ive been working on making a customisable person crochet pattern for the last few months, here are prototypes 0.1, 0.2 and 0.3! 0.3 is my first attempt at a vault suit

No pattern yet but details \/

I was very sad by the lack of fallout 4 crochet patterns that were not vaultboy and was like oh wait I can attempt to do it myself!!

Once I've got the basic pattern locked down, then I'm going to work on making it customisable so you can make different shaped people, and then I'm going to make various clothes and things! It will mostly be fallout at first as that's why I started this. Once ive gotten the pattern complete im going to make various characters from fallout 4!

I also hope to make the pattern customisable, shapes such as muscular, skinny, fat, tall, short, other customisations such as different hairstyles, noses and ears, and other humanoid creatures such as supermutants, elves, dwarves, tieflings, dragonborn, khajit ect.

will be posting the pattern once I've gotten it to a point that I'm happy with it!

0.1

My first attempt at making a complex crochet project without a pattern. Lots and lots of undoing. It's not very good yet and not symmetrical, a great learning experience though like that what I have been using as a single crochet is actually half double crochet, so these patterns will be completely in HDC. The hands and feet are good and have been carried through so far and will likely remain unchanged for the final pattern. Hair is crocheted separately and sewn on, also not great.

0.2

Fixed a lot of the really obvious issues in 0.1 such as adding a chin, elbows, and slightly better proportions. Had to completely change the shoulders as the neck was a big cone lol. The legs are now the same length. I made a mistake in my counting and the legs are different sizes at the hips. Made a nose and ears. Long hair is just the edges as there would have been too much bulk if I had filled the whole scalp.

0.3

Improvements and new mistakes here. Switched to a smaller hook size (3mm) for density. vault suit is ok, need to work on neater colour changes, The first attempt at incorporating hair into the head resulted in receding hairline. Focusing on colours and proportions resulted in torso and legs having too much twist to them. Increased leg length, torso is too small compared to body I think. I do like the beard and moustache.

Planned improvements for 0.4

Fix torso and leg twisting, increase forearm length, larger torso in proportion to the rest of the body, slightly rounder head, focus on getting shape right before designing outfits.

It might be ambitious but fallout brainrot will keep motivating me haha

[freyadragonlord]

hi, same anon who wanted to know if sctir had a happy ending. well im not even fully done with that one yet and im already planning to suffer more!

so, does orv have at least not a sad ending? its the single most popular korean webnovel by a long shot and ive always seen it around in the webtoon space, but that psychological tag scares me and ive heard very fucked up things about this story and the pain it causes.

its to the point that im kind of convinced that there is no actual full happy ending available, but at least tell me that dokja doesnt just die for real or smth. as long as kdj and yjh arent like forever separated or dead thats good enough for me to jump the gun and read it.

Ahhh, this answer is more complicated than sctir djndkdkskd

Spoilers ahead:

So, the main novel is 551 chapters long. It has a Really painful final arc (which is called "epilogue" but dont be fooled, it's not an epilogue by normal standards. It's the crucial final arc of the story).

Then, the ending is hopeful, i want to say positive, but the thing is that the authors don't really show you the happy ending, they take you right at the door of it, let the characters have a glimpse of it, and the reader is left to imagine it themselves. This is very deliberate on the authors' part, as it's a story about a Reader, and by the end it directly involves it's own readers in the conclusion.

So like, if you want to stop there, and imagine a full happy ending, you can, and the authors encourage it. You have all the elements to believe it, it's not subtle or anything, but you never get to see the characters have a relaxing, happy epilogue. It is action and pain all to the very end, and the rest is up to you.

I will say, in this happy ending you Almost see, all the main group of characters are together, they Want to be together forever and live as a family, so that is the starting point where you're left to imagine from.

But!!!

ORV also has a long Side Story, that continues with chapter 553 (552 is another short, self contained side-story). And a bit like the epilogue isn't quite a normal epilogue, this isn't a normal Side Story.

Basically, if you want to find out More about what happens at the end of orv, after that open ending, you get a chance! At first it appears to be a separate story set in the same world building, but that's just a trick, it's basically a sequel and the characters you came to know appear a bit later and you learn what they've been up to.

But it means suffering more for a while, and delaying their happy ending.

And i mean, i hope it's just a delay, but i don't know, because the side story is not over yet! So i cannot tell you if it will end happily or not.

So basically. If you want to read it, i can promise you that a happy end exist, tho you dont get to see it on page, and you can chose to stop it there, and it's a perfectly acceptable way to end the story.

You can come back in 6-8 months and ask if the side story is over yet and it ended well xD

Personally, i think ORV is worth it. And i this as someone who suffered a lot reading the epilogue. The "vagueness" of the ending didnt bother me because it fits with the themes of the novel, which is all about What the agency of a reader reading a novel is.

But it's a choice you have to make for yourself!

[velvetboyette]

I had such an amazing Monday and Tuesday

Got help from my found family to get my house in order and get some things done.

My apartment has wall decorations now and my laundry is done. Ive gotten alot done with the medical part of things as well as finally getting the last medical aid interview scheduled!

Ontop of that we finally got some money we’d been waiting for - its not alot but its not nothing.

So ive also been able to feed the people who helped which makes me feel - better like a good host in my home. Im so relaxed and happy this morning. My treatment is helping the medical problem ive been having for the last 2 months and the warm weather has me feeling less and less like a walking corpse.

My pre-glacoma is progressing tho my eyes are not pleased with me. But i have an appointment on may 5th to get eye drops which is good.

Im finally able to ? Envision what tomorrow will be like make plans.

Ive been too deeply sick and depressed to even think an hour in advance. Now i even know where i want to out my furniture and organize my things. And Ive been sleeping better.

The apartment finally feels like its mine. Which is so insane.

Im proud of myself for pushing through such crushing painful illness and moving into another happy summer. (My symptoms are always less when its warm)

But more than that i have a family of my own , people I trust to turn to for help doing things especially important things.

Tomorrow im going to out away the clean clothes and organize my room.

And maybe figure out how the heck to clean my bathroom rug lol i threw up on it and its been - soaking? Sam threw it in the tub i have to save it lmao.

Also the sink needs to be cleaned.

I definitely need to hit the bathroom with the scrub brush. We’ll see where my energy is tmm and what i need sam to help me with. I need to learn to ask for help instead of almost/ fainting being stubborn and just trying to push myself.

In all honesty ive probably pushed myself more than enough for many lifetimes.

Im getting sleepy tho - goodnight i hope your all doing well in your own way ❤️ -Aspen

[advice-go-for-it]

ok so. here's the thing. i've been in love for this person for months now right. recently, we've started talking getting to know each other, yada yada. i started to feel an emotional attachment to them that i hadn't felt with anyone else before. they made me happy. happier than ive been in a long time.

now, i had always known they were genderfluid. that was a given from the start. but my hetero-ass mind had always... assumed a more fem-leading position.

today, i was finally able to ask exactly how they generally present. their response? in times than not, they do have a more masc presentation. i had anticipated something like this, but now... i've getting way too many conflicting emotions here.

like mentioned before, i consider myself a heterosexual. but i had planned to make an "exception" for them, simply just because of how much i liked them, how much i connected with them as a person. but at this moment? it varies from heartbreak to damn near disinterest.

its like i don't want a relationship with them anymore. which is scary, because nothing has changed, besides my image of them. i mean, what the hell is wrong with me? i knew they were genderfluid, i knew this was a possibility, so how can i go from head-over-heels-ready-to-confess-TOMORROW in love with them to utter disinterest just because they happen to present as masc more frequently?

i mean, they have a feminine voice! and im 90% sure they're AFAB. so what's the problem? what's my fucking problem? and you know the worst part of it all? this friendship that i've developed with them might've damn well pulled me out of depression. (not completely, but to a manageable level.) but now that i'm "okay" with just being friends, the suicidal thoughts are back all over again. was i only living for the possibility of a relationship with someone i didn't even know what gender they present as?

to be absolutely clear, the problem is NOT that they're more of a guy. the problem is now that i know that, despite all rational thought, my brain refuses to acknowledge those past feelings. now i feel more lonely than ever. am i selfish? was i just doomed from the start?

sorry for the long ass post. a lot's on my mind right now.

TW MEMTIONED SU*C*DAL THOUGHTS

There’s nothing wrong with you. It sounds more like your brain let you get away with the “exception” because you let yourself see them as more feminine. Now that that’s changed, you just aren’t interested.

You don’t have an attraction to the more male presenting population. Your brain recognized that and changed your feelings. It happens sometimes.

I know it can be very difficult and possibly scary to have happen, and I’m sorry. The best thing to do is treat it the same way you would if you fell out of love with any other person. Your brain decided that you aren’t attracted to them anymore, and that’s okay.

It sounds like you were putting most of your hope into this, and that’s why it’s so emotionally devastating. You need to find a way to live for yourself, and not just for them.

Therapy and studying things that help with depression can help a lot. So can establishing a routine. Remember, there are people who love you. There are people who would be devastated if you were gone.

You aren’t selfish I promise. Sometimes people can only feel attraction in specific ways, and that’s you.

I myself have struggled a lot with this kind of thing. I existed for someone and for the chance that they’d want me. It ended badly and that wrecked me. I had to learn to live for myself, and to love myself.

Try pouring out these feelings somewhere, or with someone you trust. Try and find something else to live for, if you can’t live for yourself yet.

It’s also possible that your feelings could return once your brain gets used to the change in perspective. You could gain feelings for someone else in the future as well.

I promise that you’ll get through this. If you have any more questions I’d be happy to help, and you can also try DMing me if you’d like more specific answers.

I hope this helps, at least a bit. You are not alone.

💚

[mayssa-m]

i done figured out what I wanna do in my life and what my life will look like, it might look like I got no plans but I really know what I’m doing. I nose-dived several times education-wise n that’s really odd of me cus I was known to be the biggest nerd in my class n that reputation completely faded away n I can’t really blame myself as I got distractions of another life with a completely different lane n it’s hard to balance between, my mom just had a talk w me and this time I’ll do it not for myself but my mom n that other life I wanna live cus i always promised myself no matter what I’ll never give up on school n the results by my attitude towards it is the perfect route for someone removing school from his/her life, but that’s not what I’m aiming for. It’s gonna be harder for me than others whether it’s people only being focused on school n doing really good or someone else in the field I’l distracted by doing really good in it to, in my case the harder part is gonna be balancing in order to succeed in both, it’s gonna be really challenging but I know it’ll pay off 2 years from here n theres nothing to worry about as I talk everyday about how fast time goes so those two hears will go in a blink of an eye n ill look back n be like damn. I’m ready for this 2 year journey as at the end of them I’ll get double rewarded, two different types of rewards from each side, I learned a lot from the previous mistakes I’ve made and this time I just wanna do really well and bounce back just imagine me being a nerd again my family being really proud of me along with myself n doing also well in my other plan like bro what could be any better than that n then 2 years from now I’d get my results n graduate imagine just that is enough as my life is completely shifting I’m leaving my home country n gonna open this new chapter of my life that’s what Ive been dreaming of for soo long just living by myself in another country yes my family is gonna be away but what ive always wanted since idk what age was me living in my own appartment in a different country i also planned w my cousin we’d have a mansion each or split one and have expensive cars (part2 ill take about it later) n then I’d visit my parents and give them gifts and money n them just being genuinely happy with who they’ve raised and finally all their hard work paying off cuz im telling you it wasn’t easy for my parents especially now we’re prolly at our worst financially n whats giving me hope is not only that they always end up figuring it out but that im the oldest meaning id be the first to show them that what theyve done was worth it (+my second plan on the side) one of my goals also is getting a scholarship so that i wont have to make them pay much and something i also thought of was them not even paying for me i want by the age of 18 to be able to pay for college, car, clothes, food, airplane tickets, etc just anything for myself n i know ill do it BRO i wanna make them so happy you wont even understand n they dont even know the millionth of how grateful i am of having them or just anything they do, i see it trust i just dont show ut in case i look ungrateful to them, its not that i dont hug kiss n say i love you that i dont mean to say it its just all in my head i keep rushing myself in my head to be even harder on myself n makes things go faster, they’ll never ever even expect the quarter of what im about to do

I wanna come back n read this whenever i feel like i cant do it nomore cus i know there will be a lot of downs, school really isnt easy when youre aiming to be the best at it (to aim high)

my parents always taught me to aim higher n i still got this habit where i overestimate what i can do n dont end up being consistent so i end up being disappointed

n i know it might sound weird n unusual but something thatll keep you going youre not getting there by being in your room 24/7 just doing school stuff, you need to go out, do activities, go out with your friends or family members, spend time with family, just basically going out n not always working in the same environment n you will enjoy it better than being all by yourself studying in the same environment, its really all about balance and organization, n thats what ill do n first step would be to start sleeping earlier and wake up early in order to have better quality of sleep for a better performance the next day and a longer day in order to be able to do as much as possible thats all i gotta do for now

28.08.2024 it’ll really all be done by like june-july 2026 it’s crazy

[tryinggallery]

I look forward to the future

Came back to this site because I never left the hole I wanted to. Signed back in after changing my password and saw a post I made a year ago, a promise of action and a better future. Made that post hoping I was gonna do what I will do now, which is finally change, and I promise on my life that I will do it.

This isn't the first time Ive made this promise, I've made it more than I count, mainly to myself more than anyone else. And I guess I stopped doing it, after breaking that promise to myself again and again and again and again and again, I stopped really believing I could and I hated lying about it. Because I know what I need to do to change, and live life to the fullest and make everyone proud of me and to be happy with myself and succeed. I have barely used journals filled with nothing but a younger me's promise to do better, labeling the problems with my life and planning solutions and breaking down those solutions until they were do-able sprints, and reminders that I know im a flawed human being but in the end I must do what I have to do to be happy because im not.

I just couldn't do it. List lack of discipline or mental illness or depression, the 'excuses' dont matter because in the end, I let myself down. I let the people that looked me in the eye and said "Sweden. Spook, your kind and smart and handsome, Im not worried about you because I know you'll florish." And I looked back at my grandma or my mom or dad, back right at their big ol brown eyes and I swore that i wouldn't let them down. But I did. And i hated myself for it. I tore and cut myself and punched walls and hated myself, I didn't hate anyone more than myself. I tried my best to not let my fuck ups be inconveniences but I still made my mum cry and my dad yell. and that just made me hate myself more. to know that my brother could thrive and do just fine but i was a fish on land, just fucking inhaling nothing and dying there hoping that something would change and it didn't. Not like they didn't offer, I had pride, I said that I was a strong fish, and people be damned, i will fucking wriggle on this sand and make it to the water, I dont need help im just fine, and i would act like I could breathe just fine hoping they would be proud of me.

Now Im here. Rotting. Living but not thriving. nothing but shame and guilt though nobody has been hurt but myself. Ive healed, from the worst stuff, the scars faded and my knuckles have stopped clicking, but the standard has shifted from staying alive to living and I have plans now. Theres a future and world at arms length, people to meet, cats to befriend, dogs to say big yawn as their yawning to, jobs to do, experiences to be had. As much as I want to I cant keep being my own obstacle to being happy, I cant let this cycle keep going, I AM CLIMBING OUT OF THIS FUCKING HOLE. I MUST KEEP MY PROMISES AND FIND FULFILMENT IN MYSELF.

So, after ive spent however long planning and catering my environment and making sure I have got the standards set and now I must get to the doing, the effort, the hardest part truly, doesnt help I have developed a nasty habit of nicotine and weed use in the mean time, but alas, we must do.

First, I gotta resocialise, as I have digitally isolated myself from everyone I know but my partner for 2 years, so theres that. Next I gotta get back my swing into academic, I fucked up my HS after i got real bad but I managed to get into a decent uni, I just gotta get that squared away (I missed enrolment and must jump through a bunch of hoops now because of my incompetence). Next, I gotta secure a decent employment, scouted a few places and have made my resume so just gotta pray to god more than anything I guess. I got a bunch of personal projects, which i'd like to get started on, but that requires a drop into skills etc etc

In the end, the point of me learning to use tumblr and post this shit is so (Like the first time) I can digitalise results of my projects, betterment and general improvements of existence on the path to fulfilment ! Yippee!!

[mostgreyarea]

My Mind is already Lost

• Constantly.

• Everything is a reminder.

• Every plan was real. There was hope in ever second.

• Heartbroken.

Things desired and attained broke my heart. Grasping Hands at Holy Dreams, heartbroken ghost of myself.

• It's shorter now. And under the window. Weird yes. The wind helps.

Like Fresh Scar tissue always stands out on my skin.

• Yes, but I wouldn't even know where to start. Or how to be comfortable. Casual

Sister is going into labor today, I've been in Cuffs, I beat Mike in Chess Finally.

• Happy?

I'm not sure. Sometimes. Feeling if I pursue that fruit, if I get it, I must surely Die.

• Missing You

Hurt, by you. In a way I can't rectify. Missing all pressure, missing all comfort at the same breath.

• I have. More then few times. It breaks my brain. Remembering some moments and what happened before or after the photo.

My pains I remember. My highs of happiness and forehead fridge denting lows.

• I like waking up earlier. I like making the bed first thing. I miss....

Single Orgin Pour-overs, Desk work, Shadow Work, More words typed and written and paint and ink marked with salted drops.

• I have written so much. To you. For you. About you.

• Yes. I like matching colors. Feelings like I'm matching which memory is least painful with which shirt matches my socks.

• They were for you.

They live with me now. A strange relic. The never opened part of an outfit on a hanger I cant escape the gaze.

• I am still learning to care for myself. My feelings threaten me for so long. I'm not sure what's happening in any moment.

• Yes. Perhaps, rather, unfortunate.

• Wine Wine Wine.

Ive Drank the Case myself to forget all the Connecting Threads.

• Of course, I don't endeavor to be a monster. Just a man trying his best.

and Perhaps that makes a version of all the great monsters.

• I hope for peace. I'm scared. Of what else I can say. I feel raw and worn down to the bone. And I have no plan besides survival and growth.

I need the void to open before me, the great and yawning mouth of self-destruction. The Abyss of Creation.

I want to eat my children like Time. To make and lose myself several more times before the path up and down the mountain gets trenched with my boulder.

[kytedevlin]

i am no longer playing sims 4

I have been a sims player for a long time, i have a long history of modding the game for myself and only recently thought about modding it myself as ive been diving deeper into the game design portion of my interest. I remember sims urbz where each action had extra context actions that would change the result and actually apply some effort into the game, since then ive played sims 3 and played sims 4. Finally after gb upon gb of mods and purchasing dlc's that are not quite as extensive or at the most hit and miss. I am done playing sims 4 after honestly not learning much from the experience. I am happy to help out to support the game but 30 gb deep into mods, of course many mods that i am not expecting to be released in any mode of a game release, but im an adult and have the right to tweak to my tastes (within reason). But between drama with modders i don't want to get involved with nor care about and the lack of input from EA from a game design point of view for sims overall, really few and far between on the dlc and just abysmal levels of content at the same price. I have to let it go, much like i have done with skyrim. I will enjoy other games in the meantime that don't really bait the players in. I enjoy starbound and despite the strangeness of the modding scene these days but probably no stranger than before. I can atleast get what i want in. I am familiar with games from chucklefish so it provides me with not only seeing a different view of the game, but also seeing the potential of such small titles, even if they have no plans on truly updating to that level. Suffice to say it id love to create my own title but my ideas are probably better spread out and merely tasted rather than fully experienced. I have no team nor do I get along with many people lately. So id rather save face, say my peace, and only elaborate when it is necessary. While enjoying the little things that i am able to keep to myself. But I hope the next sims comes along with a full package of general content, with some engaging interactions and activities to take part in within a meaningful worldspace. (see that sentence would need elaboration, its just useless description with no meaningful information really.) Anyways, looking forward to seeing sims 5 and what it has to offer.

[glitchdollmemoria]

big long diary esque ramble about jewish conversion below the cut bc mmmm the paragraphs

its sinking in that now that im finally settling into a synagogue i feel comfortable in, im gonna have a community i can celebrate the holidays with, and i can actually learn firsthand how to celebrate them... really fucking exciting

i dont know when ill be able to actually officially start the conversion process, both because im flat broke and idk how much everything would cost AND bc this synagogue is still looking for an official rabbi rather than guest speakers (transitional period since the last rabbi moved away), but in the meantime i feel like im very quickly being taken under the congregations collective wing yknow? so im excited to start celebrating jewish holidays with other people who know what theyre doing rather than having to cobble together what i can while i sit in my apartment lmao

overall im really really happy to finally be attending. its been way too long since ive been able to regularly attend a congregation. and this one is a conservative synagogue, and ive only ever attended reform synagogues before. the one i went to back in my old town was great, i adored the people there and the way we worshipped and everything was so comfortable, it was absolutely where i needed to be during that time. but based on my research and my experiences so far, im fairly confident conservative is the movement for me. this synagogue is definitely where im meant to be now, and my thoughts are basically... while my partner and i do have a plan on where we want to live someday, thats still years down the line most likely, bc im poor and hes in college, so im HOPING that this synagogue will be the one i attend throughout my conversion. i mean id be fine with starting here and having to transfer rabbis later but im mostly hoping ill be finished up before that time comes

theres something very familiar about this congregation. something in the grain of the wood, and in the worn out books of the library. its comfortable and welcoming and it tells me this is where im supposed to be, at least right now.

also - i keep thinking back to when i attended the reform synagogue in this city. the service itself was great, but i didnt really feel like i fit in with the others, especially the people my age. one of the other 20-somethings said that the people at the conservative synagogue were all "boomers" or smth who were unaccepting in some way or another, and idk if she had her own bad experience here which i really wouldnt want to brush off, but so far everyone has been very kind. i was immediately welcomed once i explained that im wanting to convert, multiple people went out of their way to help me and invite me to stay longer and attend more events. i was immediately regarded as a man, and maybe that was because i was wearing a suit and my voice is deep from hrt but it was still very reassuring either way - an older man told me very firmly to put on a kippah and while i joked with my friends that i felt like a kid being lightly chastised, it was still a really nice feeling to not only be seen as a man but to have someone insist on me following that custom.

and then afterward, over lunch, i was chatting with the other congregants and ended up talking about my partner, and referred to it with multiple pronoun sets and explained that it uses any pronouns. nobody was rude at all about that fact, and one man was clearly a little confused by me switching around words and pronouns but was very very obviously doing his best to be respectful and understand as best as he could. he said he was working on understanding these things better for his kids iirc.

overall i feel like this synagogue is a safe place for both myself AND my partner, should it ever visit and want to attend with me. yes, most of the people here are elderly, but everyone was friendly and so far people have been respectful when it comes to queerness and conversion. id say the worst thing i heard someone say was a small dig at reform judaism, but even then, another member was quick to shut him down.

it frustrates me a little to think that the people here might be getting labeled as intolerant in one way or another if thats not really the case, if its just because theyre older. again, i dont want to brush off any bad experiences someone else mightve had, but i also worry that there might be some preconceived notions at play here, yknow? but i guess in the end theres not much use dwelling on it. im just happy to feel at home in a congregation again, and to feel like im back on track making more progress toward my conversion. im glad to be meeting all these people and finding my place in a community instead of feeling so isolated so much of the time.

[thewantedunwanted]

Interviewer: First off, let's put a CW (Content Warning) for Suicide/Ideation here for folks.

Continuing on the last post, which visited the topic of death and people caring for other people. I was recently made aware of gg's decision to end his life once OMC's elderly ESA (emotional support animal) passes away. Is that still his plan?

OMC:

It appears so.

Interviewer:

And you reached out to gg's friend when you learned of it?

OMC:

Yes.

Interviewer:

What were you hoping to accomplish?

OMC:

Yes, I reached out to gg's and my close friend. We'll call them "D". I wasn't yet able to articulate to myself or the rest of our system why I was reaching out. Just that gg was hurting, feeling rejected, feeling that ppl saw him as bad. Seeing 5 years of pandemic isolation stretching out into infinity. And now his ideation had formed into a fleshed out plan. It was too much to hold by myself, with most of our system asleep, it's mostly me and him.

Since the call, Ive realized I wanted this person to reach out to him, reach him in ways I can't. gg and I are very close. But there is also tension there and mistrust. I've caused him a fair amount of emotional harm trying to manage my social anxiety. My management has come at great cost to his own autonomy and happiness.

Interviewer:

How did that call go?

OMC:

It was by text, actually. Um. It went terribly. My approach wasnt good. I didnt make any requests for them to do anything. I didnt yet know why I was reaching out. This person, D, is his best friend. D then became my best friend after the two of us met and got to know each other. D's reaction was to get protective of me, instead of gg. Saying essentially gg should go into hybernation rather than murdering me and the others. It landed in all of his most vulnerable spots.

I didnt mention to D that gg asked the rest of us to come with him. Or that I hadn't said "no"... I-we, have accomplished a lot in our lives. Literally history changing accomplishments. Our over-name is in a queer history book. Even that whole thing aside, we've been involved in wildly successful international projects. Our work is used in schools across the US and in various other countries. Volunteer. So, Im not money bags. The opposit really Id be homeless so easily. Have been a few times. That's aside. See, I get especially restless when Im not working on a project. The more disabled I become, the harder that is. The louder volume the pain and discomfort in my body registers. And with the covid 19 pandemic, the apathy of the majority of not only the planet, but my inner social group. Watching people become disabled, die. Knowing if I get covid, I'll likely die or become further disabled. And realizing there is yet another way I'm separated. These are good people. They would be, because I'm picky. They arent apathetic because they don't care. Their brains have reached capacity and shut something off where we used to be on similar pages. People arent randomly dying and being disabled. Other people are killing and disabling them. Maybe, probably, some of my closest friends are killing and disabling others. And to them Im just someone with anxiety and ocd. Unreliable because Im mentally ill. Regardless of the vast amounts of primary source research I did. My intellect was celebrated before the pandemic. Then it was just suspect.

So, I found a local group of people who I at least had pandemic hygiene in common with. And I liked. I put on free disaster preparedness classes. It was something. It was important. gg stayed out of the space. hybernating often. waking miserable, angry, unbearably sad. He wasnt prone to depression. That was more my thing. He's hyper-social. He needs people like I need a purpose. He begged to finally join the group. I knew it was important. I didnt realize the total depth of the significance

He joined and lit up. I havent seen him blossom like that since we graduated uni and before most of his friends eventually moved away. It was so good. Until, in a day, it wasnt.

He told a moderator "no". He hadnt broken a rule. The moderator wanted the rules to be different. And we had a friend cross a boundary attempting to recruit me to help manage gg. It was rapid dominos from there. The fallout hit him like a sledge hammer. And it didnt miss me. In one fell swoop, he was out of the group and I was shunned in the group. Not by everyone. But when you go from well-liked to barely interacted with, it's a knife.

So here's one of my most precious people, gg. He's been hurting for years on years, sleeping and waking in worse shape each time. He asks me to help end that pain. To do so, it requires me to walk into the dark with him. If our ESA werent here and he asked today, the answer is an easy given. A tilted take on the trolly problem, no? 6 months from now? 2 years? I told him I didnt have an answer yet. Life may have changed, for either of us. Hopefully for both of us.

The others? Similarly waking for short periods of time after months or years pass, all of their friends moved on with their lives, disappeared, or dead. No longer peers in the same age group. hell, gg's in the body of a 40yo. Even before his stints of hybernation, he's always been younger than the body, complicated by being an age slider with the heart of an 8 year old. Parts of him have finally arrived to his early 20s. But look around, a 20 yo forming a friendship or relationships with someone in a 40yo system?? Ive asked gg to not date anyone under 30. A very uncomfortable compromise for me personally, 30 is younger than I would prefer. And he is young to be dating 30yos...

He's more impervious than some. But he's also an increadably tender kid. Carrying so much disapproval from others. From me. It gets through and causes damage.

We've arrived here.

Interviewer:

Your thoughts on Joel's trolly problem decision in the video game The Last of Us?

OMC:

Depends who you ask. Amy's take on the trolly problem years back was, "Even if I love someone, I would sacrifice them (or myself) for the greater good." Ask gg and... "quantity aint quality. maybe the other ppl suck. for sure my life would suck more without this person. aint doin it."

Interviewer:

Ok. So gg wont sacrifice someone he cares about. Would he sacrifice himself for strangers?

OMC:

That is a more difficult question. Has he ever talked to them? Does someone he cares about know them? Are they an actor playing a character he likes? If the answer is "no", there is a chance that they won't register as real people to him. Will he perceive the situation as "gg and 10 strangers"? Or the equivalent of "gg and 10 cardboard cut outs"? Like I would imagine for most people, he would not sacrifice hinself to rescue cardboard.

Interviewer: Say he registers the situation as "gg and 10 strangers"?

OMC:

Putting the trolly problem aside, do you care about strangers?

Interviewer:

I mean, sure.

OMC:

Why?

Interviewer:

Because they are people. I don't want bad things to happen to people whether or not I know them.

OMC:

But, why?

Interviewer:

[ x ]

OMC:

Leaving the theoretical, gg has protected a stalker at risk to his own safety. This stalker, we'll call "R", was previously a friend who became dangerously fixated when we wouldnt date her and we refused to end things with a friend gg was sleeping with. R threatened to kill us, broke into someone's else's house to steal our (necessary) new phone number, and so on. Serious stalker situation. The following incident was after the university tried to prohibit R from approaching us on the grounds or being in the same building with us. But took place before they expelled her and put a restraining order on her entering school grounds.

R shows up to a bar gg is at. We notice her because there's a commotion. R has gotten into an animated verbal sparring match of some sort with a random, drunk bar patron. Said patron is a sturdy dude. At a point, bar patron has gotten up from his seat, rounded on R and looks ready to violently put his hands on her. gg has gotten up by this point, pulls R behind him and apologizes to the guy, got him bantering, smoothes things over. It could have gone very differently.

Why would someone protect their own stalker? R was, maybe still is, a more than theoretical person to gg. People matter very much to gg. He just lives in a sparsely populated world.

Would he sacrifice himself for strangers? It's a toss up. Once you're at least on the same plane of real/likely real, he'll decide in the moment.

Disappointingly Necessary Disclaimer:

gg isn't a serial killer. or any kind of killer. He has never even been in a fist fight. He's not mean to animals either. People with DID are more likely to be the recipients of violence than the purpetrators. When someone in a system does violence, it is likely to be defensive of self or others. Some people, plural or not, can be violent. But it is not a distingushing trait for people with DID.