#but unfortunately sometimes I am after all me
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omniseurs-blog · 2 days ago
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I am a stealth trans man, the privilege I have is being treated like a man as soon as they see me
If I'm applying for a job, I am treated like a woman trying to be perceived as a man, because they still see my legal name and gender marker on my ID.
If I'm trying to date, I'm perceived as a predator by straight women, a confused lesbian by bi/lesbian women (these demographics I rarely, if never go after), a tomboy by straight/bisexual men, and a gay fetishizer by gay men. At best with trans women, I become the therapist, and with trans men, it becomes an argument of passing better or worse and jealousy. That's not to say out of every demographic there are people who handle the relationship properly, but that the majority don't.
In friendships, things can go great for months and months, sometimes even years before they find out I'm trans and they start acting weird about it.
Suddenly they recommend more "feminine" music, hobbies, activities to do with me, they suddenly view me as their therapist to vent about difficulties with women, and that's all the BEST case scenario, that's the BEST thing that could happen from them finding out, this one's also the easiest to handle, "I thought you might like to see my grandmas garden.... My grandpa also likes it... Haha" - "no, nah, I wanna get back to playing eve online with you though, I mean, I do have some fake plants, heard they help with depression, think real ones would last a month at most".
An unfortunate amount of people react to things they don't understand with anger and attacks, whether that be verbal or physical.
I used to be nearly best friends with a girl named Kat. Unknown to me at the time, she had a crush on me. She invited me over, we got to her bedroom (in my mind, to hang out), she pushed me on the bed (I thought it was playful, like wrestling), and she pulled my shirt up and saw my binder, jumped away, and started apologizing. I went home straight after that. After that, she avoided me, and called me a faggot, rapist, molester, and creep after that. I wasn't interested in her at all before or after that, and I wasn't the one who initiated or caused that situation to happen.
Another incident was while I was at the mental ward, in which they usually refused to put my chosen name on the cards, and I would turn it around and write my chosen name every time I saw it. Unfortunately, I usually wasn't fast enough and someone saw my dead name on the card. He started asking me inappropriate questions, calling me a tranny, and eventually lead to him punching me in the face, the police being called, and the police did nothing besides give me a court date in an entire state over, which I had no way to get to, meaning nothing happened and the case was dropped.
A lot of people react to things they don't understand with suddenly disappearing from your life too.
You join a hobby discord server, talk, people think you're cool, they add and DM you, you get along fine talking to each other, you mention as relevant to the conversation that you're trans, the conversation magically fizzles out and becomes dry, and then they stop responding all together, usually intermitten with one or 2 inappropriate questions about your genitals or body or kids or hormones or surgery.
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yermes · 3 days ago
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Spring is here let me give you some advice 🌼 
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Pick a meme
123
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Disclaimer: please take what I say with a grain of salt and not as the gospel. I just want to share some ideas of practicing and giving advice using the medium as often as I can with school, work, and my own personal studies and practice. But I am working on sharing my notes soon so that will be exciting! Liking and sharing does a lot 🥰
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Socials: My Socials **☾**
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The cards
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The hermit 🪄 
Only you can recognize your own potential, other peoples words and put downs are meaningless, its only valid if you make it valid for yourself, you need to stop opening yourself up to get put down by other people. Open yourself to yourself, to come into your true power is to recognize it within yourself. Its there, it has always been there, but you must take time to look into yourself and claim it for yourself. Personal power comes with deep personal growth which you cannot get from others. Retreat to your own internal ecosystem, retreat into the goodness of the internal world and claim the safety and prosperity of the in.
Sorrow 🔪 
A dark side to your understanding. Unfortunately, not every truth is a fun and fruitful truth sometimes truths are so brutal and painful they rip reality away muscle fiber by muscle fiber neuron by neuron till you are stricken with the most brutal and devastating change of your life. On the downside it’s generally awful in every way, on the bright side at least you know now rather than later. You don’t need dwell on this melancholy for you will face more and more throughout your life, one melancholy just sets you up with the skills to deal with the next. Take care of yourself and be gentle
The sun ☀️ 
You have the energy to do much so I advise you to do much while you have energy. While you have energy you can give, you may take care of those who took care of you. You can feel the warmth of being, you can be reborn as a person again as you feel yourself wake up with the spring. You can finally appreciate things and you may finally join the land of the living as the spring sun finally graces the world after a crazed winter. Finals season is coming up, go out strong, study all the way, do small things to improve your quality of life, put some mascara on, do some thing good and small for yourself to reemerge
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Extras:
Story/vent:
Next summer taking MCAT terrified 😎
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concretejunglefm · 11 hours ago
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coming to you on this fine Sunday because sub priest!Noah? corruption kink goes crazy 😵‍💫
I’m thinking you come to the confessional booth knowing he’ll be there, admitting your sin which is unholy thoughts about him ( pretending that you don’t know he’s the one on the other side ). he coaxes said thoughts out of you — without having to try too hard — all of which end with him on his knees, worshipping you. little do you know, you’ve already been his greatest temptation. and he’s not much further to claiming you as his god.
hm. I wonder what tips him over the edge 🤭
I think it’s time for him to confess to you now. lord knows there’s a lot of quality compost up there. bet he’d be such a fervent follower if you let him serve you ://
you know, I think his current necklace would also make a pretty decent leash.
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I mean. AWOOGA
- @somebodyels3
all I can do is apologize, but if a man is already subservient to a god, why not make him subservient to you?
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Pairing: sub!Noah Sebastian x dom f!reader.
CW: includes mentions of handjob, corruption kink, religious themes, undertones of sub/dom dynamic, kind of power dynamics, blasphemy, priest kink, slight manipulation.
NSFW below the cut 🔞 Minors DNI.
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You’re both his greatest temptation and his greatest weakness.
If only you were aware of the power you possess to make him unravel.
Sometimes, he swears that you do, like now as you slip into the confessional booth. He knows it’s you without even seeing you. He’s heard the familiar sound of your footsteps against the stone floor as you approach, and the scent of your perfume wafts in his direction after you take your seat.
For a moment, there’s silence, and he holds his breath before hearing you clear your throat. He only releases it the moment he hears you beginning to speak.
“Forgive me, Father, for I am going to sin.”
Noah doesn’t believe that he’s heard you right, that you’re serious. You’ve attended church regularly and confessional enough to be familiar with the formalities. You must be teasing him.
You are. You're testing him.
“A preemptive sinner seeking penance? I don’t quite believe that’s how the Lord operates.” He chuckles softly and smoothly, amused by your antics enough to be desperately curious to learn more.
“Isn’t it, Father?” There’s an inflection in your tone, and he can picture the way your tongue flickers across your lips as you utter those words. The suggestive smirk that graces your lips is one he’s seen before—an image he tucks away for those lonely late nights when he believes he can hide from the eyes of God.
He can’t, not even in the privacy of his own room or a cold shower.
“No,” he says, his voice coming out strained.
“That’s unfortunate,” you giggle, and it’s an unholy sound because it only brings more unholy thoughts to his mind. “I had always hoped that by seeking forgiveness first, I could outsmart my sinful nature. Such a shame it doesn’t work that way.”
Usually, he would have a scripture he could recite, words of wisdom that would help him even in the most difficult temptations. However, he feels the urge to speak isn’t stronger than the pressure of his teeth currently pinching against the tip of his tongue, which he is using as a tactic to refrain from making a profane comment.
“Aren't you going to ask me about my sin?”
He wants to say no because you’re tempting him. He notices the breathiness in your voice and realizes that the moment he submits to you, the moment he says yes, he’ll be completely lost.
He fails.
“Yes, tell me, what is your sin?”
He knows your lips curl into a smile even without seeing you. He can hear it in your voice when you begin to answer, “I’ve been having thoughts.”
You’re not shy; you’re deliberately holding back, and he gently coaxes you, needing to hear you say it. “What kind of thoughts are you having?”
“Inappropriate ones,” you say so innocently, as if you’re not presenting yourself as the serpent who deceived Eve in the Garden of Eden into consuming the apple.
Noah takes a bite.
"Thoughts of a Carnal nature?"
“Yes”, there it is again—the breathiness in your voice. He can’t deny that it doesn’t go straight to his dick, and his slacks grow tighter around his crotch.
You continue your confession, this time without prompting. “They’re about someone I shouldn’t be having these thoughts about.” Your confession only makes his head spin further, intensifying the possibility that you could be referring to—
“Who?” He dares to ask, his heart pounding in his chest, leaning closer to the window that separates you, obstructing both your view and his chance to be closer to you.
“I shouldn’t say. He’s a man of the Lord, and it’s so very wrong.” Your tone doesn’t suggest that you’re convinced it’s wrong; in fact, you sound almost delighted in confessing it. Perhaps he’s imagining it.
It’s easy to infer who you’re referring to unless you’ve suddenly developed an interest in the other priest who attends, who is nearly 50 years your senior. Naturally, he assumes you mean him.
He attempts a different approach. “What do you…” He clears his throat, attempting to control his enthusiasm, though he already senses his cock pressing against the zipper of his slacks, yearning for release, yearning for your touch. “What do these thoughts relate to?”
“I desire him to worship me, as he does his God.” Your confession nearly makes him choke, but you persist, your voice low, soft, and breathy as you vividly describe your desires. “I yearn for him to kneel before me, to taste my divine, and to be the only one occupying his thoughts.”
Noah can't confess that you already are, that he’s seconds away from releasing his cock and fisting it right here in the booth, in the middle of your confession, which feels far more untactful than he's willing to admit.
All falls silent.
“Father?” He notices the concern in your tone, as if you’re worried you’ve scared him away. Instead of answering, he stands up and steps out from his side of the booth.
The hour is late, and there’s no one else here except you two. It wasn’t planned, but he should’ve known that his catching you hanging around the church long after service and when everyone had left would only lead to further temptation.
Opening the door to your side of the booth, his eyes scan you, admiring your Sunday best dress, a choice you always made. It’s far more enticing than another skin-tight, revealing outfit. It resembles a sundress, flowing down past your thighs but revealing enough when you sit down, adorned with thistles—another sign that you’re leading him straight into temptation, straight towards his sin.
“Father,” you look up at him, your eyes wide with curiosity, while Noah steps forward.
“Noah, please,” he offers you his name, already shifting the power balance between you, granting you more influence than anyone else in his congregation.
Your eyes wander over him, taking in the sight of his impeccable all-black ensemble. He exudes a sense of self-assurance, and as your gaze reaches the front of his slacks, you notice the bulge. In response, Noah simply clears his throat.
When your eyes meet his face once more, he’s certain you must have noticed the blush of red, the overwhelming sensations of embarrassment and shame threatening to engulf him. Yet, you remain silent, not even as your hands instinctively press to the front of his thighs, curiously ascending them and over his bulge until your fingers trace the outline of his cock.
Your gaze locks onto his, and he can’t tear his eyes away from yours. He feels your fingers gently popping the button of his slacks and the slow, deliberate unzipping of his zipper. Even if he had the willpower to stop you, he doesn’t bother. Instead, he lets out a quivering gasp when your hand finally wraps around his shaft as you slip into his underwear, your touch slow and methodical.
Your name slips from between his lips, and this is wrong—so wrong in every way possible. Yet, he can’t bring himself to stop you or pull away.
“Tell me, father, what do you have to confess?” You’re taunting him, coaxing him, and he doesn’t hold back the groans that are currently building up in his throat. They rises up and escape with every slow, teasing rub of your thumb over his sensitive tip.
There have been countless nights spent fantasizing about you in the most blasphemous ways, and he has envisioned this scenario countless times. He never imagined that it would come to fruition.
“I-I’ve had impure thoughts about you,” he stammers, and you hum in acknowledgment, as if encouraging him to elaborate.
“What kind?” As he gazes into your eyes, he perceives the flicker of heat, sensing the exhilaration as your hand tightens its grip around his cock with each rhythmic stroke.
“About you… about worshipping you.” The words burst forth from his lips before he can even pause, confessing his own impure thoughts and desires to the one who has been tempting him relentlessly.
As your hand releases him, he whimpers, while you slip free from his underwear.
Your fingers, curious, trace the cross of the rosary beads he wears around his neck. As he senses the gentle tug, testing their durability and his own, he draws nearer and falls effortlessly to his knees before you.
It unfolds so systematically that it almost seems deliberate. He drops to his knees, prepared to worship you, while you raise your dress with your free hand, exposing your already damp panties. It’s a sight that takes his breath away, his eyes soft and pleading as he gazes up at you like a dog eagerly awaiting its first meal.
“Worship me, Noah,” you purr, tugging at the rosary like a leash as you guide him closer between your thighs. He follows obediently, ready and willing to serve and obey you.
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tagged: @fadingangelwisp @deathblacksmoke  @geminigirlfromfinland @fuck1ng-queen @xxkittenkissesxx @lacy1986 @ami--gami @halfalgorithmhafdeity @dominuslunae @tosoundlessdarkistare @alwaysfightforwhoyouare @lonelydragonlady @th4t-em0-k1d @amelia-acero @dollieomens @I-love-the-smell-of-you-blood @death-ofpeace-ofmind @ichoosetenderomens @chey-h @blade-dressed-in-red @bloody-spades 
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noirsdoll · 2 days ago
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I am LOVING your "Jimmy gets out of prison" AU, you capture him so well. Why do I have the feeling that Jimmy won't actually get a job just to spite Anya (he doesn't want to pay her child support). Also hearing that he isn't speaking to Curly, I can totally imagine it's Jimmy who refuses to speak to Curly because Curly told him he has to take responsibility of what he's done, Jimmy literally has 100+ missed calls from Curly ;_;
Ooh I can imagine the drama if Reader/Jimmy run into Curly and Anya somewhere (they're not together but Curly wants to help Anya and the baby)...
THANK YOUUU OMG its just a dumb idea that i cant stop thinking abt LMAO thinking abt babies a lot so this is like very baby centric IDK just anya as a mom cw for referenced abuse but like barely at all... enjoy!! not shipping curly and reader btw reader is loyal unlike jimmy... first part. second part.
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You’re on baby duty today, and safe to say, you’re excited.
Anya has the cutest baby ever— a cheerful little monster that latches onto your finger and coos and makes all those adorable noises. It never fails to have your baby fever running high.
You’ve always wanted kids, but something’s always stopped you. You think it might be because of Jimmy— what he might say or do to them. And the way he gets with you, when he gets angry and nothing can console him.
You walk up to the door of her cozy little burnt-sienna house. The garden is overgrown with yellowing plants, and clusters of dandelions are sprinkled across the lawn. No time to garden with a toddler, unfortunately.
Knocking on it, you assume to see what you always do— Anya beaming at you with her kid balanced on her hip, warm earth tones and crisp silver jewellery.
Instead, your eyes drag up to a man you’ve never seen before— who looks equally as shocked to see you.
His frame is blocking most of the doorway, but you peek past it to the sliver of Anya you see in the living room. “I didn’t know you had company over,” you start, “I can come over another time.”
She smiles, “Oh, it’s no problem at all! Come on in!”
The man moves out of the way and lets you in. Your eyes lock onto the kid, who’s surrounded by an assortment of colourful blocks. You take a seat next to her and watch her tiny face light up at the sight of you.
“That’s just Grant,” Anya explains, “he helps out every once and a while.”
Grant? Like, Jimmy’s friend Grant? The guy that cut him off? “Oh, from your time on the Tulpar?” You glance over your shoulder as he moves to join you both.
“Yeah. Grant, this is—”
“You’re Jimmy’s girlfriend, right?” He’s staring like he has a problem with you. What’s his deal?
You just nod, trying to scope him out. “Yeah, I am.”
Both of you look at each other for a moment, all while Anya’s daughter suckles on a wooden block. Anya breaks the silence eventually, making a show of checking her watch and getting to her feet. “Looks like it’s feeding time for you, cutie.” She picks up her baby and smacks a big kiss on her head, who gurgles happily in return. She turns to you. “I’ll be a moment. You two should get to know each other.” 
As she disappears down the hall, you turn back to Grant. He frowns some more, before he finally says. “I heard Jimmy got out around a month ago— is everything going alright?”
You blink at him, shocked. Why does he care? Isn’t this the man that Jimmy claimed to have abandoned him? “Yeah, it’s fine.”
“He hasn’t… done anything to you, has he?” Grant steps forward and places a hand on your shoulder in an attempt to be soothing. The second you freeze, he pulls it right back.
“What are you saying?” You say, anger rising in your voice. You just met this guy like five minutes ago and he thinks he knows everything about you.
“Sometimes he… realizes what he’s doing only after he’s done it.” He glances down the hall. “With Anya... I just don’t want something like that to happen again. He frowns. “Let me know, okay? I can—”
“Our relationship is none of your business,” you snarl. This prick has the toughness of marshmallows— what could he ever do to affect Jimmy?
Finally seeming to sense your annoyance, he backs off. “Alright, alright. We don’t have to talk about it. Just tell the guy to pick up his phone every once and a while.”
“You’ve been calling him?”
He nods. “Yeah, I’ve been calling for the last two weeks. I tried to when he was in the compound, but he must’ve redirected them or something, ‘cause I couldn’t reach him.”
“He said that he…”.
Grant perks up at that. “What did he say?”
You shake your head. “Nothing.”
Anya comes back around the hall with a newly energized toddler in her arms. “Who’s ready to play?!”
Grant glances at you one last time. “I mean it, though. Call me, text me, anytime.”
You nod, off put by him just as much as you are endeared. You focus on Anya’s adorable baby girl, ignoring the buzzing of your phone in your back pocket as Jimmy realizes you aren’t home like you said you would be.
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hellspawnmotel · 15 hours ago
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ok answering more asks cuz I've got a lot to catch up on!
below👇
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I have not..... I know a lot about them though and of course I've heard amazing things. they seem like exactly what I would've loved when I was younger and I'm really happy other people got to experience that. but I got pretty burnt out on cartoons after the 2014-2017 era of fandom. can you blame me lmao
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yes that is me! thank you!! but ummm honestly I don't think their reactions would be much different than canon. they're still fundamentally the same people, just with somewhat different life circumstances. so all around the basic "hey asshole, you try to hurt my family again and I'll make you wish you never discovered the third dimension" from everybody involved.
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I haven't, but taking a glance at it it seems pretty impressive. the art and designs don't really grab me (I'm picky) but maybe I'll check it out sometime.
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I played a little bit of it! mostly the robot section of course. cube's got a great design, it's not elegant at all but it's dynamic and memorable
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unfortunately most horror games are a huge blind spot for me, ESPECIALLY survival horror. I am......a wimp. like, majora's mask was too stressful for me to play, I don't think I could make it through a whole game being chased by The Killer.
I love horror elements in non-horror games though. and I'd like to get into the somewhat more obscure horror games that are focused more on atmosphere and storytelling than anything else (parasite eve I'm coming for you)
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ech..... honestly I was kinda disappointed by the new trailer. I was really looking forward to it but I wanted more weird time travel stuff and it wouldve been a really cool way to learn more about kalos' history. what we've been shown so far looks kinda lame. on the other hand though, it wouldn't be authentically kalos if it wasn't kinda lame and disappointing (said with all the love in the world for XY)
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nop
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well that.......sucks. unfortunately I'm not surprised though lmao. I know it's pretty beloved but chrono cross was always gonna be a hard sell to me anyway. I know what it does with the cast of chrono trigger and I'm not happy about it.
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I do not do requests, sorry. I am often VERY influenceable though and I pay attention to what people say in tags so that's a good way to trick me into doing what you want, haha
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right on man 🏄
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cal-daisies-and-briars · 1 day ago
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Max 🔀
Yeah! 1k for:
---
 “You’re not an it,” Evan sighs.
Buck turns to look back at him. “I thought you hated fairies?”
“I do,” Evan grumbles. “But you’re still not a thing. You’re a sentient being with feelings. And occasionally one isn’t wholly terrible.”
“Well, uh… Thanks,” Buck says quietly. “Seriously.”
“Whatever,” Evan mumbles. 
Looking out at the road, Bobby smiles. 
🟢
The next time they stop, it’s because Bobby needs to talk to Athena about what happened. They pick a bustling rest stop. Somewhere with lots of witnesses, in case anything happens. 
Bobby walks off with the phone to his ear. He obviously intends for a private conversation. Buck takes the same chance to call Maddie. Unfortunately, his call is not private. Evan is in the backseat still, listening. 
“I got a flight out tomorrow. Early,” Maddie explains. “Mom and Dad know I’m coming. I said something came up with your case and you’ll arrive not long after me.” 
“They must be confused,” Buck says. 
“They are,” Maddie confirms. 
“There’s another thing,” Buck says.
“What other thing?” 
“We’re being followed,” Buck explains. 
“Followed?” 
“Agents of some law enforcement agency or another,” Buck says. “They won’t identify themselves.”
“Are you in trouble?” Maddie asks.
“I don’t know. Bobby’s talking to Athena. I think we have to be careful,” he says. “Only stop in populated areas. Not get caught alone. Film them. That sort of thing.”
“Be careful then. Do what Bobby says.” 
“I am!” Buck insists. “I said we were being careful.”
“Yeah, well I know you. And I know how you get when you’re hurting.”
Buck frowns. Eddie had expressed a similar sentiment, hadn’t he?
“I’m gonna get him to Pennsylvania,” Buck promises her. “In one piece.”
She sighs. “Okay. He doing alright?” 
“You want to ask him yourself?” Buck offers.
“Sure,” she says. 
“One sec.”
He passes the phone back to Evan, who smiles gratefully as he takes it.
“Hi, Maddie,” he says into the phone.
They chat for a minute or so before Evan hands the phone back to Buck.
“Thank you,” Maddie says. “He seems okay.” 
“Yeah,” Buck answers. 
“I want both of you to be okay.” 
“We’ll be fine,” Buck promises. “I love you, Maddie.”
“I love you, too, Ev… Buck. I love you, too, Buck.”
They end the call, and Buck sort of thinks he wants to cry. But he can’t. Not with Evan here. A moment silence passes between them, and then once again, it is strangely not broken by Buck.
“What are they like?” Evan asks.
Buck frowns. “Who?”
“My parents,” Evan says. “Your parents, too. I suppose.”
Well that’s a change of attitude. They can share, apparently. You save a guy from unlawful arrest one time.
“Uh…” Buck doesn’t actually know how to answer. He can’t lie. He doesn’t want to give them any credit they don’t deserve. But… But maybe they’ll be different for Evan. Maybe?
“What?” Evan asks. “Don’t try to think of clever wording. Just answer me.”
Buck sighs. 
“They never liked me,” he admits. “I’m sorry. Maybe it’s because… Well. Mom always suspected there was something wrong. Dad always supported Mom.”
“Ah,” Evan replies. “So they’ll believe us?”
“Oh, for sure,” Buck nods. 
“Were they good parents otherwise?” Evan asks.
“No,” Buck admits quietly.
“Oh,” Evan says. “Just not to you or…”
“No, not to Maddie, either,” Buck answers. “Though they’ve been better since Jee was born. They never really recovered from losing Daniel.”
Evan stays silent after that.
Bobby comes back sometime later. He has a tight sort of expression on his face. 
“Everything okay?” Buck asks him.
Bobby looks at Buck, something serious in his eyes. Buck can’t read it. Doesn’t know what to think.
“Yes,” he says. “Yeah, everything is good.”
ii. 
By the time they get to Hershey, everyone is tired and fed up of being in the car. Evan actually, surprisingly, is the least noticeably disgruntled. Not that anything bad happens or anyone argues or anything like that. They’re all cordial. Just when stops trying to be conversational - somewhere around Missouri - Buck knows everyone is ready for a damn break. 
“Why did they move here?” Evan asks when they’re nearing the small city. 
Buck inhales tightly. He doesn’t want to talk. Not about this. Even Bobby winces. Like he knows the timing on this is poor. But the thing is, Buck can still understand why he’s asking. Why did they leave his home and make it so hard for him to find them? 
“We moved after Daniel died,” Buck says. He thinks that covers it. Though, he is aware things are never that easy.
“Why? Why leave the only place with memories of him?” Evan asks.
In the passenger seat of the car, Bobby’s expression falls. He could answer that question better than Buck, couldn’t he? Bobby left the only place with any memories of his family. And unlike Buck, when he left Pennsylvania, there was never a chance of making any new ones. 
“Sometimes it’s easier to leave a tragedy,” Bobby mumbles.
“That doesn’t make sense,” Evan says.
“Not if you haven’t had one, no. I imagine it doesn’t,” Bobby replies. 
“People were also… Uh… Judgmental,” Buck explains.
“About their kid dying?” Evan asks. “That’s a little messed up.”
“No. About the lengths they went to save him. Having me… Uh, having you.” 
“What does that mean?” Evan asks.
Buck’s stomach drops.
“Oh my god. You don’t know?”
“Know what?” Evan asks.
“Of course you don’t. You were four. They weren’t going to tell you.”
“Tell me what?” 
Buck sighs.  “They only had you to save him,” Buck says. “The only reason they had another kid was to save Daniel’s life. To give him bone marrow. You - we - were only ever for spare parts.”
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theskyexists · 1 year ago
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I dont think people can understand that anyone can anyone I know that i have lived in a mostly disassociated state for now one and a half years and this will likely continue for the rest of my life
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yenonnoff · 1 month ago
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will be posting ch5 of page turner some time this week! my school workload is insane sry 😓😓 and then upcoming plans will be focused towards teach me how to love :DD
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thepandalion · 3 months ago
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I love how pandas are so entrenched into my theming and personality now that my mom stopped in the middle of her errands to buy me a panda onesie because she saw it and immediate knew I'd want one
#for the record I have previously expressed a desire for a panda themed onesie. about four years ago#but I also am known to wear onesies and have around 6 of other animals#so it's absolutely a testament to the panda thing again#also my mom came home and her first words were “Im the best mom ever”#(to which I responded “well yeah but I feel like ur saying this bc something prompted it?”)#((and. indeed getting a panda onesie after 6 years of yearning for one. we took pictures for the family gc and everything))#like we have to put it in the laundry first so it wont shed on me too much but I did wear it for like 5 seconds#and I'm still happy and hyped from those 5 seconds#and. for the record. pandas aren't even my favorite animal to any particular capacity#like I like them fine enough? but my favorite mammal is absolutely feline and my favorite animal overall is probably a bird#unfortunately can't narrow it down more specifically bc all felines are awesome (Im big on lions and caracals personally)#(but tigers and leopards and lynx and domesticated and all are also awesome!)#and. idk. all birds are great#Im usually fond of water birds (that are not waterfowl) like kingfishers#recently a bit more vibing with the local fauna tho. so rn Im in a wagtail phase#and as always corvids never miss#and also like vultures and passerines#other birds also cool but typically thats where my interests lie#sometimes also birds of prey. usually falcons but I did have an eagle phase as an 8 years old so yknow#happy posting#:D
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ratatatastic · 4 months ago
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HELLO MISS DOOM AND GLOOM
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camgoloud · 6 months ago
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a “fun fact about me” is actually that i have a fascinating interior life and i’m in love with the whole world. just so you know
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keeps-ache · 1 year ago
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souP..
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kimmkitsuragi · 7 months ago
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most embarrassing thing abt my obsession with astarion has been that he sometimes gives me cute aggression.. why am i even confessing this
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badolmen · 11 months ago
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So funny how trauma will just kick you in the fucking teeth with the most random triggers.
#ra speaks#personal#watched the most recent quintin reviews vid which like yeah I went in with expectations of the content#and it’s not like I actively avoid stuff that depicts/discusses abuse I’ve been going to therapy long enough to know my most sensitive#triggers and stuff. but…idk something abt when he got to the drake bell section just set me off something fierce.#I’m all nerves and stress and self loathing/misplaced guilt from my own past bullshit#like brain can we please cool it we’ve been over this for years why you freaking the fuck out now? (I mean. logically. I know why#and how trauma works and that I’m just having emotional flashbacks but still. ugh.)#brain please be real niceys to me I have a meeting in an hour we cannot be having a panic attack.#you’re safe you’re good it wasn’t your fault etc etc can we please go back to being an adult more than a decade past all that? please???#survived my meeting so I’m gonna vent abt this a bit more bc. let’s be real.#I don’t rememember a solid 3 years of my adolescence and it fucks w me sometimes.#I remember things before 4th grade. I remember 4th grade. then bam I’m in 8th going to high school. and like#I know logistically what happened. I know emotionally I hated/was so fucking scared of [redacted] until I finally left that fucking school.#it’s just. frustrating bc if I remembered maybe I’d feel more justified letting myself get upset abt it. but I don’t so suck it up buttercup#it probably wasn’t even that bad if you don’t actually remember it so pull it together.#hell for all you know it had nothing to do with [redacted] and you were just on bad meds/depressed and forgot three solid years of your life#after meeting [redacted] <- I am not convincing myself unfortunately.
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orcelito · 2 years ago
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i hate anytime anyone says like "You should just do this one specific thing with writing bc it's the superior way of writing and everything else sucks" bc im like well what if i dont want to do that with my writing. i rather like how my writing is as it is. & then it makes me feel self conscious of my writing. bc brains are bitches i guess.
#speculation nation#like i do take writing advice into consideration bc it's not like my writing is perfect#there are still things i could improve on. & im working on them.#but. sometimes ppl r just so... generalizing.#this is Specifically with regards to the sentiment ive seen going around of 'it's best to just stick to 'said'' with dialogue tags#and i... dont like doing that.#i find it Fun to think on whether theres a more descriptive word!#and it can really embellish the writing when you find the right ones#and i also like to intersperse dialogue among actions and thoughts. to mix it up & all#'said' just feels very... bland to me. i dont like using it much.#im trying to work on using it if theres just not a more descriptive tag that properly fits. & there's not an action i can easily insert#bc i do agree that overusing synonyms of 'said' gets you that My Immortal type of screenshot#it's about moderation. it's all about moderation.#i know im overthinking this. i KNOW plenty of people have said they like how i write.#but when i see something like this that contradicts the way that i write. it makes me so incredibly self conscious i find it hard to write.#the thing is i try to seem confident on ao3 but i am anything but. even after 640k words posted my confidence is flimsy at best#so even one statement that could be read as anything other than a glowing review makes me so self conscious i wanna curl up in a ball#gaaaah brain's a bitch. anytime i start getting self doubts i try to just shut up about it so i dont bother anyone else with it#since it happens... unfortunately very often. VERY often.#ive been thinking about this for a few weeks tho & ive seen another post on the matter floating around#it's a joke post. not even that serious. but it still makes me so self conscious.#so i wanted to get it off my chest. mostly just complaining. i hate feeling so self conscious about my writing.#hundreds of comments of praise and excitement for my writing & im done in by a few posts that weren't even directed at me#self consciousness is so fuckin stupid. i hate how my brain works.
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jvzebel-x · 2 years ago
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🦋
#usually i like to think i am extremely well adjusted to what my health entails. usually lmao.#but specifically cancer sometimes feels like a goddamn anchor lmao.#stomach cancers are not even close to the only ones that could potentially go on for a lifetime w treatment#depending on situation. like this is a far more normal situation than ppl really realize i think.#i hadnt realized it before i was adjusting goal posts from 'cured' to '5yr mark' at least lol.#this is not bad. this could be signficiantly worse. this is not a bad situation all things considered.#but like sometimes i wonder what its like to be like. healthy lmao.#&when things dip its like. if this is a perma-up trajectory as far as difficulty goes it feels kind of. unfair that mine started#where it did&its just like. never gonna plateau lmao.#i question my fortitude sometimes. idk its been a long day&i havent burned thru the Bad mania yet lmao.#ill get high&itll be easier to see that w/o the pain lmao.#med change ups are never fun this one just happened at an unfortunate time in general probably.#i miss my dog. i miss all my dogs. i would have lost my mind w/o roxy lmao.#at least this time i can give him proper rites; i couldnt for yoshi or johnny. so ive been doing a full mourning period.#it hasn't put me in like. the most optimistic light as of late lol.#its weird. im being such a fucking baby about all of this lmao.#but like i also wasnt expecting unconditional love to be almost exclusive to my dogs#or for the ups&downs to still be so dramatic after all these years of figuring out treatments lmao.
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