#but unfortunately sometimes I am after all me
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I dont think people can understand that anyone can anyone I know that i have lived in a mostly disassociated state for now one and a half years and this will likely continue for the rest of my life
#i dont know ...#at least some people still ask: how are things? i say: the same. nowadays#i do NOT think people care#not really#my room is not my room my home is not my home and i am not me#but unfortunately sometimes I am after all me#my stuff#personal#i think people expect grief and sadness to leave#but the moment i read that one article by that psychologist who had lost her child and who said: no it never goes away#when i was idk 14 or so#i realised she was right#i just didnt want to find out ever because i already knew#and we didnt get saved#us too - we did not get saved
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#tw suicide#idk i feel like i am probably gonna kms after TIT#i would do it sooner but i asked one of my friends to come with me and it would suck if i made him go alone#and it is something to look forward to which is helping me hang on i guess#but ughhhh once uni starts again in september i know everything is gonna fall apart.#i already got an extension on my thesis due to being a useless shell of a person who can't motivate themselves to do anything atm#but i was supposed to get some work done over the summer and have so far done nothing#hence why i want to kms before i have to talk to my fucking supervisors again and admit yet again that i simply cannot do this 😭#and it's not just this. my executive dysfunction has been so bad over the past couple of years and it's only getting worse#to the point where i can't imagine being able to work at all. and if i can't work i can't get out of my parents house#and then what the fuck is the point.#every time i see someone on here talking about bonding with their parents over dnp I'm like damn what's it like#to have parents who actually want to talk to you DSFGJJKL i know they let me live in their house at my big age#but that's only bc id literally be homeless otherwise and they're not like evil. they just don't love me#also went through a deeply embarrassing breakup recently#tl;dr ive been in love with this person for over a decade and i thought they were the dan to my phil or vice versa.#then after 10 years they left me and i'll spare the details but it has me wondering if they ever loved me#i thought it was a “let's live together and get a cat one day” relationship#but now i feel like for them. it was just a “sex and video games” type situation#i am trying soooo hard to at least be creative bc that makes me happy sometimes but it's hard to not be overly critical of myself#and now im getting to a point where i can barely even find any joy in this space any more. for a bunch of reasons#most of which revolve around me being extremely sensitive. and this is like my last bastion of dopamine so that fucking sucks#idk i don't see the point in my life any more. a social worker actually told me recently that i should consider euthanasia so.#it's just completely over for me i fear#this is not even mentioning all the damn migraines. and all the other ways in which my body simply doesn't work properly#sorry for this weird ass vent I'm not in therapy any more bc i couldn't find a therapist willing to treat me+all my diagnoses at this point#and im scared my friends will stop wanting to talk to me if i talk to them about this. several of them already have#the 2 friends i have left anyway. that's a whole other thing. when they said it's hard for autistic ppl to make friends i took that persona#so uh at this point it's vent here or develop a substance abuse problem. and im already halfway to having a substance abuse problem#anyway dan and phil for the love of god please fucking post something tonight. unfortunately you are my only hope
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ok im a really chill and normal person and i get over things and am well adjusted but take a walk with me here. just give me my time to complain when im not in the absolute fucking trenches. and yes i believe i suffered more than those in trench warfare. it was literally a lesbian situationship with a bistraight girl come on. just. magenta choppy shag with the roots coming in. camo cargo pants black t shirt with red lettering and striped long sleeve (sign someone likes music. confirmed). lip ring big black stud earrings and nails. red docs. i think lesbians should be allowed to kill one dyke baiter in their lifetime idc
#and now we're gonna get into some quiet parts and youre just gonna let me have this#i. am so sick. first of all it was kinda funny how people ik ended up sorta surrounding her. felt good. but like we've shared a space#together since everything. i can like be in her presence it's seriously fine. that said. i do sometimes miss her#i say this after going through the really hating her guts period bc of her evil evil evil ways. and feeling like she's lame as hell bc she#s. but i mean it's me talking i have my problems too. i Hate the way we always so naturally act in sync. and i hate that we've both picked#each others' brains for hours so it's like. i knew you once and now we can't even look each other in the eye and that just really sucks#and i feel like. not that i strictly believe in these things. but we were sort of twin flames. i largely suffered for like. basically#falling in love w her. and i know i didn't leave as much of a mark. but i still hope it sucked a little for her#and i'll admit i think it'd be some sort of miracle if we could ever talk civilly. unfortunately we work in two ways#literally behaving in Ways and borderline fucking or not speaking. so. here we are#and i already humiliatingly tried to extend an olive branch this summer so im not gonna be fucking stupid. yk#but GOD how annoying. i did talk to situationship today and we were relatively normal so at least that's not deathly awkward#it's still. definitely um. stiff. but not terrible#i need to get to the club. pretend theres a cig emoji im on desktop rn#sorry for this.#film girl saga
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HELLO MISS DOOM AND GLOOM
#forsy is one of the only cats who sometimes just doesnt wear the team issued stuff to pressers and it makes me 😵💫😵💫 everytime#unfortunately mikksy has influenced him too much#sucked all the colour out of his closet#this is what happens when you go out after mikksy for warmies sometimes#im ngl he looks so weird in black oh my god#i am not used to this at all#he can be your angle or yuor devil
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a “fun fact about me” is actually that i have a fascinating interior life and i’m in love with the whole world. just so you know
#i hate being asked this question!! i am the most boring person in the world#especially because like. what am i going to say. ‘oh sometimes i write fanfiction? i have an active fandom blog on tumblr.com’? no thanks!#‘just say you like to write!’ oh yeah and then give them the chance to look at the All Of Me and be like#‘girl be honest. is it fic’#no thanks!! i’ll dodge that question if at all possible!#unfortunately this comes at the expense of just having to be like ‘uhhh…. i like to read’ whenever this comes up#and this is not me saying that fandom is my Only Hobby so don’t come after me it’s just. it is an important hobby to me! it is for better o#worse how i choose to spend a decent amount of my free time!#and sometimes i wish i wouldn’t rather die than give people the opportunity to wonder about whether or not i have a fandom life. you know?#but unfortunately. i would#and the other thing is that actually not all of my writing IS fanfic but. it’s not like i’m going to show anyone that shit yet either!#you can read it ifwhen it ever gets published and at no time before :)#caseyposting
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souP..
#just me hi#sou p#now That's a word#//it's 5 a.m. and i woke up like 4 hours ago for whatever reason and i've been scrolling the hurt/comfort tag on ao3 for like 2 hours hfbvs#do you ever realize that you aren't very interested in many things sometimes? bc it's definitely a Feeling loll#like it's nice! i don't get very overwhelmed with things i like but also. very sorry that it's so hard to get invested hbhdb#/i Know what i wanna read and unfortunately anything less and i will mentally file it under Ah. Okay :/ fvsh#and ALSO the things i am currently interested in are either my own Ocs (<///3) or shows made in the 50-60s that have nothing written at all#'why don't you write it yourself' 1) that's what the Ocs are for babyyy (and i don't trust myself to get other characters right HFvbs)#and 2) sometimes you just wanna read. you know. reid#oh and also Books written in the 40s. i cannot win out here Lollll#love Farewell My Lovely but also i can completely understand not really wanting to interact with it after reading fhfshc#the main guy is just So silly-putty to me. anyway#there was another book but i aem forgretting the Nayme#//anyway shoutout to the shows and books and my own projects that on every existing state of being i just Can't be/stay interested in hfhsb#:)
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most embarrassing thing abt my obsession with astarion has been that he sometimes gives me cute aggression.. why am i even confessing this
#it's trueeee it's like he's literally a cat to me 😒#this is the reason why sometimes i had to stop and pace around. i couldnt deal with this effect#FROM HIM of all characters to exist on planet earth. from the bastard vampire man#urghhhh im saying all this stupid shit bc it's been too long since i played/watched this game LMAO#but yeah. unfortunately he's soooooo silly so silly#i cant even explain further. i already talked too much ... it's nearly 2am that's why im like this#fuck everything tho i WILL play bg3 tomorrow after my exam lmaoooo#let's fall down that rabbit hole once again why not (hasnt even stopped falling for the first time yet)#🗒#playing bg3#i post all kinds of fucked up personal stuff recently im sorry everyone . if i really do end up playing again tmrw#after a loooooong break#i am already sorry for my potentially embarrassing behavior
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taylor idk who chappell roan is i think that makes me disqualified from being queer forever (←sapphic girl)
She's a musical artist! She's pretty up-and-coming right now and is seen as a wlw queer icon in the music industry, but I've never been able to get into her music even though tons of other sapphics love it. I probably just haven't given it enough of a chance. Casual is a good song though!
#big ol' personal opinions disclaimer down here in the tags. also lisia this is soooo unrelated to your question sorry lol#i also kind of hate a very specific subset of chapelle fans and i can't listen to her without thinking of them dkjfsdkjfnkdsf#which is a really stupid reason to not listen to her music and i know it but alas brains work in weird ways#i don't judge her by her fans! but i just have that tainted association. like how sometimes you feel ill after eating something#and even if that didn't cause you to be sick- you still refuse to eat it afterwards? it's like that#it's not her. she did literally nothing wrong. it's just an unfortunate little brain link that i can't get rid of#saw a couple of fans talking about toxic bisexuals and their 'inferiority complex' and that put me off of her music as a whole tbh#in regards to debates about her sexuality#one was talking about how bisexuals 'marry the patriarchy'.#quote-'bisexuals have freddy mercury. that alone is all you need' :)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))) i'm going to bite someone.#it's like these few specific fans were tailor made to put me off of her#unfortunately i have not gotten past that yet but if i ever can undo that brain association and enjoy her music i will let yall know ksdjks#unfortunately as of right now i am programmed to see her name and think of the (probably very few) jackasses in her fandom#just kinda made me feel unwelcome when i was trying out her music a bit more sadly#it was never her as an artist or a person. just a few idiots but it was enough#idk. i should try again though. chapelle fans. which songs should i try to start again with?#anyways i should probably stop swinging the bat at the biphobia nest lest it come back to bite me but dkjfdksjf yeah tldr she's a musician#a very talented one! just one that i cannot enjoy quite yet. i hope i can kinda defrost about it though
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Last two games of the season for the boys today.
A's poor team lost all but one. They looked v cold. Because it was.
T's team tied to get second. T scores two goals and made a pretty epic save (also let in two goals).
Proud of both of them.
#m isnt used to sports stuff?#one of the (parent volunteer) coaches made their son cry unfortunately#took all his frustrations out on him#m said he considered talking to him after the game#and while m is right that it's not healthy psychologically or anything for the kid#talking to him won't do a damn thing#the coach is actually really good especially at practice#and the kid was playing fairly well#and after that incident the kid was watching his every step#but i am also used to years of coaches yelling at me?#doesnt make it right#but i also dont know how to explain it#i consider coaching again sometimes#but i don't want to split this team#some of these parents are SO ROUGH and loud and pressuring their kids#there are ways to coach without doing that#you can teach and be supportive and still win#i like a's coaches#also this would be fixed if we switched to club because paid coaches#but i refuse to pay that much right now#phew sorry
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So funny how trauma will just kick you in the fucking teeth with the most random triggers.
#ra speaks#personal#watched the most recent quintin reviews vid which like yeah I went in with expectations of the content#and it’s not like I actively avoid stuff that depicts/discusses abuse I’ve been going to therapy long enough to know my most sensitive#triggers and stuff. but…idk something abt when he got to the drake bell section just set me off something fierce.#I’m all nerves and stress and self loathing/misplaced guilt from my own past bullshit#like brain can we please cool it we’ve been over this for years why you freaking the fuck out now? (I mean. logically. I know why#and how trauma works and that I’m just having emotional flashbacks but still. ugh.)#brain please be real niceys to me I have a meeting in an hour we cannot be having a panic attack.#you’re safe you’re good it wasn’t your fault etc etc can we please go back to being an adult more than a decade past all that? please???#survived my meeting so I’m gonna vent abt this a bit more bc. let’s be real.#I don’t rememember a solid 3 years of my adolescence and it fucks w me sometimes.#I remember things before 4th grade. I remember 4th grade. then bam I’m in 8th going to high school. and like#I know logistically what happened. I know emotionally I hated/was so fucking scared of [redacted] until I finally left that fucking school.#it’s just. frustrating bc if I remembered maybe I’d feel more justified letting myself get upset abt it. but I don’t so suck it up buttercup#it probably wasn’t even that bad if you don’t actually remember it so pull it together.#hell for all you know it had nothing to do with [redacted] and you were just on bad meds/depressed and forgot three solid years of your life#after meeting [redacted] <- I am not convincing myself unfortunately.
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I wiped out so hard tonight my KNEES
#I fell over. so many times. including two of the worst falls I’ve had in a WHILE#god the first one literally like minute and a half on the ice i lose a foot under me and do the splits. crash into the barriers#I am notably Not flexible I cannot do the splits. I don’t know how I kept skating afterwards#the worst fall I have ever had however was right at the end and the thing that made me get off#we were playing a thing and both me and this other guy we’re trying to catch this girl who turned out to be Also going very fast#three way collision all falling forwards on top of each other#we SLID there were BLADES BY MY HEAD im lucky im short im amazed nobody got actually hurt#except like. my knees which are now staging a coup I rlly should ice them but I don’t have ice and I just wanna sleep#but GOD tonight was a mixed bag#i have acquired the instagram and will probably get him on committee if he sends me the thing#also slowly thinking hrm yeah he’s probably straight#anyway good news: i think we’re pretty solidly friends now. bad news: prooobably regrettably heterosexual#idk straight guys shouldn’t be allowed to be cute and funny and good at skating it’s not fair#aaaanyway. it’s my own fault bc I meet most new people through hockey now and this sport is pretty notoriously not queer#it’s a little different here but the people who end up Good are largely not yknow. and I am unfortunately into guys who can skate#also they end up being the people I actually get to talk to with what I do. dumb as hell. they should invent gay hockey players#anyway my assessment is still vibes based there’s time for me to be proven wrong but we will see. it’d be funny if he was queer after this#will think abt texting him on a day that isn’t tomorrow bc tomorrow’s gonna be too much and I would like to have some time to chill sometime#anyway this is my periodic reminder to myself that I’m literally just Allowed to have feelings. fucked up that it’s true#but like it’s just. allowed. and it’s not even that I’m dumb or have bad taste or smth like that and over like what.#almost two years? there have been 5 guys total. mr prick who WAS queer unfortunately. and while the other four did turn out to be straight#that was due to 1. guy literally had rainbow fucking stick tape and Everyone thought he was gay. also I was just kinda fucking around there#2. talked to him like three times before asking him out. agrees to dinner bc he thinks it’s funny. 3. many signals bc bunch of queer friends#still unconfirmed but be does have a girlfriend ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ 4. okay maybe I should know better by now but he’s cute okay I’m allowed to hope#it’s not even like I’ve DONE anything other than talk to him dude you’re fine you’re allowed to feel things#aaaanyway. bed now. eepy. will talk to him later. he complimented my hair okay I’m done now going to sleep#very sorry to anyone who reads these tags for just going on abt this guy but also no I’m not scroll down#luke.txt
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just forced a SECOND friend to watch infinity train book 1 with me
ah, that special feeling of watching the light leave someone's eyes as they watch episode 8
#eliot posts#intr#infinity train#we are watching s2 together tomorrow#though he has been spoiled on a lot of that one's plot bc he checks my blog sometimes and i talk abt it a lot#he really liked tulip as a character. and both of us decided that tulip's Vibe reminds us of his little sister#i am very excited for him to see book 2#mostly bc it is my fav#but kinda bc i feel like he'd connect w jesse's arc bc jesse kinda reminds me of him when we were that young#we unfortunately will not have time to watch books 3 and 4 together anytime soon#but possibly sometime in the future#i think he'd like them too#idk which one i am betting on being his favourite bc they all have things i think he'd like#update: we watched book 2#he said he felt Called Out by jesse's arc lmaooo#he said tulip is still his fav but it's almost a tie between her and jesse#while we were watching 2 he said he liked it better than 1 but after sitting a while after we finished he changed his mind#and said he liked 1 slightly better but it was a close race
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i hate anytime anyone says like "You should just do this one specific thing with writing bc it's the superior way of writing and everything else sucks" bc im like well what if i dont want to do that with my writing. i rather like how my writing is as it is. & then it makes me feel self conscious of my writing. bc brains are bitches i guess.
#speculation nation#like i do take writing advice into consideration bc it's not like my writing is perfect#there are still things i could improve on. & im working on them.#but. sometimes ppl r just so... generalizing.#this is Specifically with regards to the sentiment ive seen going around of 'it's best to just stick to 'said'' with dialogue tags#and i... dont like doing that.#i find it Fun to think on whether theres a more descriptive word!#and it can really embellish the writing when you find the right ones#and i also like to intersperse dialogue among actions and thoughts. to mix it up & all#'said' just feels very... bland to me. i dont like using it much.#im trying to work on using it if theres just not a more descriptive tag that properly fits. & there's not an action i can easily insert#bc i do agree that overusing synonyms of 'said' gets you that My Immortal type of screenshot#it's about moderation. it's all about moderation.#i know im overthinking this. i KNOW plenty of people have said they like how i write.#but when i see something like this that contradicts the way that i write. it makes me so incredibly self conscious i find it hard to write.#the thing is i try to seem confident on ao3 but i am anything but. even after 640k words posted my confidence is flimsy at best#so even one statement that could be read as anything other than a glowing review makes me so self conscious i wanna curl up in a ball#gaaaah brain's a bitch. anytime i start getting self doubts i try to just shut up about it so i dont bother anyone else with it#since it happens... unfortunately very often. VERY often.#ive been thinking about this for a few weeks tho & ive seen another post on the matter floating around#it's a joke post. not even that serious. but it still makes me so self conscious.#so i wanted to get it off my chest. mostly just complaining. i hate feeling so self conscious about my writing.#hundreds of comments of praise and excitement for my writing & im done in by a few posts that weren't even directed at me#self consciousness is so fuckin stupid. i hate how my brain works.
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🦋
#usually i like to think i am extremely well adjusted to what my health entails. usually lmao.#but specifically cancer sometimes feels like a goddamn anchor lmao.#stomach cancers are not even close to the only ones that could potentially go on for a lifetime w treatment#depending on situation. like this is a far more normal situation than ppl really realize i think.#i hadnt realized it before i was adjusting goal posts from 'cured' to '5yr mark' at least lol.#this is not bad. this could be signficiantly worse. this is not a bad situation all things considered.#but like sometimes i wonder what its like to be like. healthy lmao.#&when things dip its like. if this is a perma-up trajectory as far as difficulty goes it feels kind of. unfair that mine started#where it did&its just like. never gonna plateau lmao.#i question my fortitude sometimes. idk its been a long day&i havent burned thru the Bad mania yet lmao.#ill get high&itll be easier to see that w/o the pain lmao.#med change ups are never fun this one just happened at an unfortunate time in general probably.#i miss my dog. i miss all my dogs. i would have lost my mind w/o roxy lmao.#at least this time i can give him proper rites; i couldnt for yoshi or johnny. so ive been doing a full mourning period.#it hasn't put me in like. the most optimistic light as of late lol.#its weird. im being such a fucking baby about all of this lmao.#but like i also wasnt expecting unconditional love to be almost exclusive to my dogs#or for the ups&downs to still be so dramatic after all these years of figuring out treatments lmao.
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#GAH hate not knowing how ppl feel about me#bc i used to be SUPER close friends w this person like they were ~25% of th reason i came back to my uni town after moving away last summer#and i keep texting them like ' hey we should meet up sometime! ' and they respond ' omg YES 100% i have SO much i need to catch you up on !#unfortunately i am out of town every single day. also so busy. '#and like yeah okay college very busy life very crazy. but how are you out of town every single day and also why have you NEVER reached out#and i saw them in person at target and they seemed genuinely pleased to see me! and also said something like#' we gotta hang out i have so much to tell you!! *ill* message *you* ' in a way that seemed to convey guilt at ^^ all that#but then how in the WORLD do you happen to be driving out of town immediately after the one event i know we'll both be going to???#and also casually gracing over the fact i also mentioned getting dinner beforehand??#also i dont know any reason they wouldnt like me unless its one of those ' im autistic and didnt notice you getting fed up w me '#or if theyre just actually that busy or too anxious to see people or anxious to reach out or fucking whatever#and like even when i saw them at target they told me a bunch of stuff that i dont tthink youd say to a random acquaintance#which if they do still like me makes sense! bc we were super duper close once! but doesnt make sense if they dislike me/want me to go away#like UGH just either ask me to hang out or say yes to a hang out or tell me to fuck off already!!!!#oh and ALSO the one time we DID have plans we didnt set an exact time but they texted me at like 11 and said ok we can hang out now until 2#or they texted me at 11 and said ' i work at 2 but i dont think thats gonna be a problem also are you okay w hanging w my roomies too '#and i know their roomies so thats fine but i was like ??? WHAT shouldnt be an issue? r you gonna call off to hang out for more than 3 hrs?#or are you gonna friend break up w me so it wont take 3 hours#anyway i was like uhhh shit we didnt set a time so im actually at a tattoo place like an hour away w my roomie?#so we rescheduled for the next day when uh oh they hung out w someone who was exposed to covid so had to cancel again!#i cant think of a single reason they wouldnt like me except that they never did but we had an activity together so they were stuck w me#and they seemed genuinely happy to see me and also seem upset declining plans but like if thats true what the FUCK is happening????#anyway this was a mile long if you e read this far i love u if you have tips feel free to reply or dm me
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damn i never thought i'd get into stardew valley this much but here we are !! makes perfect sense tho
#⋯ ꒰ა starry thoughts ໒꒱ *·˚#heyy this adds to my roster of games that actually have Evidence#gotta play more soulsborne legitimately soon so i have more evidence of my range LMFAO ...#i love how my. taste in games is really broad tbh! i'm willing to try anything out but i do uhh am less inclined to the more popular ones?#unless i get into them by way of. personal. or without outside influence#but if there's a certain something that makes me dislike a media yeah ... i do end up more indifferent tho. ultimately#i think sdv is another huge example of how me and lune really go all in when getting into smth#like terraria. but we end up forgetting about it pretty soon after. oops!#it depends tbh on how bored we are? how much we have to do. so yeah#xiv was That for a very long time bcs we didn't really have anything else uhh insert hashtag xiv was there for us when nobody was#aaa so thankful to xiv fr. idk. i think about what it has done for me sometimes and i get really emotional!#also funny how things connect. i got back into tumblr bcs of jjk and then connected w others mostly thru gi. and then twt thru a friend i#met thru a school event wholy thru chance. who got me back into twt where i connected with others thru ff(xiv)#and i find it fascinating how people make friends irl! i think its easy for me to feel that way 1. its just who i am lol its in my nature#2. im more of a bystander so. yeah. ez for me to study people and people-watch. idm that much tbh#it's funny... hmm interesting? a bit sad too. wnvr i want to. Take A Step Further. i end up not caring anymore LMFAOOO but tbh it's really#nice in the long run! my outlook on life is pretty weird tbh like uhh... idk. hard to explain. complex#whenever i face a problem i'm. absolutely confident i'll get over it. and unfortunately i feel like that... sense of confidence is rather ra#rare*? idk. and the fact i've always known (always!) i'd love myself no matter what. even if sometimes i would be really insecure. i never#truly hated myself and i sincerely doubt i ever will. but the fact i often suceed and rise from my failures that sometimes they don't feel#like failures doesn't mean that uhh i'll end up facing my downfall through. naive confidence? i try to be self-aware and do my best for no#regrets and it's fascinating how my values in life are shaped by my past. not just me. everyone. damn. i think the formative years of a#person are so goddamn fascinating and also i'm still unsure what i want for college but it's already fucking march HELP#anyway wow. i dont want to be too harsh on myself if the What If bad scenario/s end up happening but i'll really try my best#my aunts on my dad side both got into up diliman and i'll be damned if i don't. i know i can do it. i just gotta put in a ton of effort.#okay rambles bye bye#also i've been staying up until 3/4 ever since break LMFAOOO SDV HAS RUINED ME dw i'll be good again next week lmfao
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