Text
had the longest, most honest conversation about belief with my dad today and on the one hand god is it exhausting because they've gone to such an insane place christianitywise, but also? the fuckin growth this man has gone through just to be able to have that conversation is so. it's not comforting, but god is it something to be able to have that conversation period without shouting and tears and just. walking away from it so unfulfilled every time.
#also. also! he fucking apologized for a lot of past things that i had resigned myself to him never acknowledging outside of my mom#she's apologized for him so many times but she knows that doesnt count and we all just. accept that.#but he did it! without prompting!!!!!!!#like very openly and honestly and without any accusation#and then we talked about my brother and why it's harder for them to have these conversations and he LISTENED#idk im stuck between so exhausted and frustrated because their worldview is just. so heartbreaking!#and also so proud because this man has not been able to acknowledge anything for twenty five years of my life#and he's listening and he's trying and it's so important#.... it's also probably because he believes his kids are going to hell. lmao.#but u know what i'll take it.#like. he wasn't a good dad. he wasn't and he's known it but instead of curling in on himself like his mom did and faking it he's trying#it's too late for a lot of things but it doesn't matter less for that#NOW. if we could get past the belief that the world is ending in less than ten years. that'd be neat.
9 notes
·
View notes
Text
what's ur type first < prev next >
#YAHOOO#i finally finished editing this first scene in the fic lmfao ... so updates will probably be faster in the coming days#also still unsure as to whether I'll draw... the whole fic#it's like 10k words+ so#im still on like page 4 rn I think. out of like. 20.#let me know what u think tho do u guys want this all drawn out cause .. .. it'll take a lil while also i'll definitely still post the fic#ive put too many hours into that bad boy at this point to let it collect dust#and i think u get something different out of reading that than the comic anyway tbh#which is fun !!#ok enough tag essaying thank u all for reading if u did : )#wut#what's ur type#klance#vld#voltron#my art
1K notes
·
View notes
Text
unserious p30 chris au doodles, and the duo that'd come of that. some thoughts about the au below the cut!
while jill's hair color changed because of the reaction her post-vaccine body had to the p30, i do think that it was still a considerable factor in how wesker stripped her of her identity; hair means a lot to a lot of people, so forcibly changing something so crucial to someone's appearance/identity definitely messes with their mind.
in the au, chris' hair is blond because i don't think it's too far of a reach to assume wesker would take it upon himself to strip chris of his identity the same way he did with jill.
there's also the fact of dyeing his hair being kind of an intimate act in a way? i see it the same way as shaving another person with a straight razor, or helping them tie something behind their back that they can't reach. there's a sort of trust and reliance that comes with acts like that, despite them not being very intense or heavy acts.
so i think that wesker making chris let him bleach his hair kind of follows that pattern; wesker's creating a situation where he makes himself seem selfless and caring by doing something for chris' "benefit," which leaves chris in a position of feeling like he needs to be grateful, both bc he's being looked out for and bc wesker must care for him if he's doing him this favor—even if he doesn't know why. it furthers his dependency on wesker, in a more subtle way.
anyway, i could go on, because i think there's a lot of nuance and stuff to this au, but i'll end it there for now :)
#i have a fic about this au thats been sitting in my drafts for a while now#i love the concept but i just dont know what direction i want to take it/what i want to happen#but i think once i get this vampire fic done i'll finally revisit it#p30 chris u live in my heart 5ever#p30 au#resident evil#resident evil 5#re5#chris redfield#albert wesker#sheva alomar#jill valentine#fanart#my art#artists on tumblr#egg art
208 notes
·
View notes
Text
。・゚゚・ ☀️🍦💕 ・゚゚・。
pose ref
#ffxiv#Ninira Nira#Estinien Varlineau#Estinien#Estinien Wyrmblood#wolstinien#Bookshop AU#OKAY twitter user emtfira ilu and ur poses but I am taking a break even if u drop a new pose I wanna do I will just SAVE it#this pose was a MUST tho... like a drop everything and do this as fast as I can because um PERFECT#A LIL ICE CREAM TREAT??? FOR NINI????#I was like man clothes but what if swimsuits bc summer?#and then estinien was like hey... render my fucking sleeve tattoo :)#me every time I draw it: I need to like design design it#and yet every time? we wing it#I can tell u what all my inspo is I just uhggg trying to make it look like a tattoo#they're at Haurcefant's (family home) I HC the fortemps' have a pool#okay idk if I'll get anything else done before xiv write but who knows trying to shift my brain into writing mode#art: mine
73 notes
·
View notes
Text
"I can′t believe that it's finally me and you, and you and me, just us...
- and your BIG EGO."
i came across the reels "when you date a narcissist" in inst, and i realized that i need to draw it with gwaynston.
#criston: u know what? f@ck u. romance is dead. do u want to know why? YOU KILLED IT!#None of this was a mistake.#gwayston#gwayne hightower#criston cole#gwaynston#crisgwayne#ser criston cole#hotd#criston x gwayne#gwayne x criston#house of the dragon#> ignore the tags <#for the first time I drew something out of clothes that was not clingy#I don't have much taste and I'm bad at understanding color combinations but I tried really x))#anyways#take the stylus away from me#please give me content w/ them and I will stop torturing your eyes lmao#otherwise I'll get to fics and I write even worse than I draw#relax its just joke ...or not#my post#my art
93 notes
·
View notes
Text
noise cancelling headphones actually changed the game its so easy to clean when u can't Hear anything
#i didnt think it bothered me before but now that i dont hear clattering dishes its so good#its like im using no energy at all. still ready to go after. AUGH#easier to zone out i guess lmao#(wearing headphones bc a lot of noise annoys me... vs metal screaming in the headphones... make it make sense)#i actually get to wear headphones at work. but only one ear. but u know what i'll take it
108 notes
·
View notes
Text
LEE DONGHYUCK ACTUALLY WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH RANDOMLY POSTING A PADO DANCE VIDEO LOOKING LIKE THAT HUH? WHAT ABOUT MY HEALTH? LIKE I LITERALLY ALMOST DROPPED MY PHONE AND NEARLY HAD A HEART ATTACK LIKE HELLO?
#nct#nct u#nct dream#nct 127#haechan#lee donghyuck#pado#HE DID NOT JUST BRING BACK PADO HAECHAN#LIKE WHAT#AND IT WAS SO RANDOM TOO HELP#PADO HAECHAN LIVES RENT FREE IN MY MIND#I'LL TAKE PADO HAECHAN ANY DAY ANY TIME ANY PLACE#THIS IS HIS SONG IDC#I REALLY NEED 3 TO 5 BUISNESS DAYS TO PROCESS#HYPERVENTILATING#HE IS ACTUALLY INSANE FOR THIS#LIKE HE KNOWS WHAT HE IS DOING TO US WITH THIS#AIN'T SHUTTING UP ABOUT THIS ANY TIME SOON#tds3#the dream show 3#czennie#💚
116 notes
·
View notes
Text
i will never understand how or why the httyd movies did the books such an injustice.
the movies aren't even an adaptation - they stole the name of the series, the name of some of the characters and places, and the general idea that there are dragons. honestly, i would be fine with the movies and maybe even like them if they didn't capitalize off of cressida cowell's incredible books that never get any credit.
the books are an amazing story about the cycle of violence and how vengeance and revenge is dangerous. hiccup says that the past is a ghost story, one we need to learn from to better ourselves. the books are about how everyone deserves freedom, how every creature, every being on the earth deserves to be free. we see that in the slavemark, with the dragons.
and like... hiccup is so different. they did him a severe injustice. he's scrawny and intelligent and learned to talk to dragons simply by observing them! he chooses kindness first above all else; instead of yelling at toothless to train him, he is kind. and in the end, that kindness is why toothless chose to save him. bc even toothless himself says that dragons are inherently selfish creatures who care only for their survival. hiccup is brave - his beliefs differ drastically from both the vikings and the world.
hiccup is a child who chose to do the right thing even at the expense of himself. he agreed to free the slaves on nobert's ship, and in return, they gave him the slavemark which is easy to give but cannot be removed. he was like twelve. and having the slavemark means he cannot be with his tribe or his family, it means he isn't considered a human being anymore. and he keeps it a secret for awhile until it's revealed and when it is everyone turns their backs on hiccup. his family, his tribe, his mentor, people he TRUSTED. everyone except fishlegs, and, once she got over the shock, camicazi. he was thirteen. and even when he lost his memories and was really injured, he persisted. he was told to go to tomorrow and to save the dragons and he did bc in his heart he knew it was right even though he didn't know who he was or how he got there.
and fishlegs,,, oh my god FISHLEGS!!! the did him SO DIRTY!!! fishlegs is hiccup's best friend, one of the main motivators for hiccup. he steals norbert's potato for the sake of fishlegs, he gives fishlegs his dragon and goes to retrieve another, he takes the blame for fishlegs. and fishlegs does the same for him. he takes the slavemark with pride. he refuses to turn. he gives hiccup his lobster claw necklace which is his most prized possession. he is brave for hiccup, he believes hiccup is alive. he fights for hiccup harder than anyone else ever has. he does not turn. his is loyal, has allergies, has asthma, has a squint and a limp, has glasses bc he's blind without them... and he's still a hero despite being a runt, despite everyone even the adults telling him he's hopeless, telling hiccup to leave him behind.
and they cut camicazi! i'm sorry, but astr*d is nothing compared to camicazi. camicazi is a tiny, feral child who can easily best hiccup, fishlegs, and pretty much anyone in a sword fight. she can bring a grown man to tears with her rudery and smack talk. she is recklessly brave and craves adventure and follows hiccup blindly bc she trusts him that much. she isn't in love with hiccup - in fact she doesn't care about romance and love. she gives up everything to help hiccup bc she has a strong sense of justice. she is the motivator, the cheerleader, she finds a positive in everything. she never gives up. literally never gives up. and that's one of the most inspiring things about her: she always has hope.
and toothless! god!!! toothless is *thought to be* a common or garden dragon. he is horrifically tiny, he is literally toothless, and is the biggest brat in the world. he will cause problems on purpose. he has a stutter, he's the most selfless selfish dragon around. he and hiccup can talk to each other. he masks his fear with singing and being annoying. his growth is remarkable. he starts off refusing to obey hiccup, doing the opposite of what he says, making life harder for literally everyone around him, and he's still somewhat like that. but he's also braver, more caring, more willing to make sacrifices for the sake of others. he's clever, which he needs to be to make up for his size and aggression. he protects hiccup with everything he has, therefore, he protects what hiccup cares about just as hard. he was the only dragon that didn't abandon the vikings in the first book bc he cared about hiccup.
and snotlout,,, god,,, i will never forgive the movies for butchering snotlout. hiccup's cousin, the bully character, the one who is horrifically jealous that hiccup's dad was born before his. the one who desperately wants to prove himself, to be worthy, to make people proud. and you hate him, you despise him. he betrays everyone many times bc of the nothing promised to him by alvin and his mom. he loses himself, turns his back on himself, all bc he wants to prove himself. all bc he wants to be better than hiccup. and hiccup still forgives him and gives him chances, sometimes out of pity, but also bc snotlout is his cousin. he can't just turn his back on him no matter how miserable snotlout made his life. and in the end, snotlout sacrifices himself for hiccup. he gives up his life for hiccup in one last attempt to set things right. his death and the events preceding it are one of my absolute favorite moments in the book. gives me chills. makes me cry.
that's the thing with the books - they're so realistic. there is no inherently happy ending where everything works out. the first book begins with "there were dragons when i was a boy", implying that they're gone now. the books show there are consequences to our actions. they enslaved the dragons, they fought against them during the dragon rebellion all bc alvin and his mom said to, and now they're gone bc a simple apology doesn't fix hundreds of years of enslavement. and the only way for the world to move forward was for the dragons to leave and heal on their own. and now they have to learn to live without them. and yeah i've heard the third movie ends like that but. it doesn't have the build up. it doesn't have "there were dragons when i was a boy". it doesn't have eleven books of development to back it up, to make it feel meaningful.
i know that the movies are really special to a lot of people. i know that, on their own, they're genuinely good movies. i can acknowledge that the soundtrack is amazing and the animation is beautiful. i just can't see past the way they butchered the world that i love, the world that i grew up with. i can't see past the way people yelled at me for saying i liked the books better, the way that people gave me weird looks when i showed them a picture of the original toothless, when i tell them that nightfuries aren't even a type of dragon. cressida cowell created hundreds of different dragons, and the movies couldn't even pick from that. i can't forgive the way that barely anyone knows there are books bc the movie barely gives credit to them. i cannot forgive the way they capitalized off the books and then shoved them aside. i know cressida thinks they're good movies and i know a lot of httyd book fans also like them. but i just... i cannot get over how much they changed and how they missed so much and ignored the books. also they got rid of camicazi so hiccup could have a love interest and that is unforgivable to me.
if you disagree, that is a-okay. we're all entitled to our own opinions. i just ask that you, perhaps, try the books out. give them a chance. bc they're amazing works of art and also just like. don't yell at people who don't like the movies? whether it's bc they prefer the books or just aren't into that kind of movie. and just remember that dreamworks didn't come up with the story; cressida cowell did.
#corey talks:)#this has been in my drafts forever but i saw something that made me have feelings and so i finished it and here take this iuygfcvghuij#i justgod the books are SO GOOD and barely anyone knows theyexist#and i think that's what makes me the kost upset#or some [people chose to ignore they exist or don't give them a chance bc... i don't even know why. ppl are just so quick to dismiss them#the books are so important to me (literally got a httyd book tattoo) and i get most book fans also like the movies#but it sucks bc i can't go through the httyd tag without being bombarded with movie stuff#i'll even look up 'httyd books' and half of it is still about the movies.#i'll look up snotface snotlout and only finds movie stuff even tho ig they changed his last name in the movies???#i'll look up camicazi and find it filled with astr*d. WHAT.#i'll look u toothless and only see the freaking nightfury. not the original.#like god movie enjoyers at least tag correctly. i get you want ppl to see your posts but the more i see movie stuff in the book tag the mor#i hate the movies lol like the movies are so much more popular than the books let us have our tags okay#sorry if any of this sounds bitter also i hope it doesn't sound like i want to argue or fight#this is just my opinion and i have feelings and i just want ppl to know there are books#also i am not shaming anyone who likes the movies like i already said you do you boo just don't come at me for doing me#bc yes that has happened to me multiple times :) which is one reason why i get so upset :)#i just personally cannot separate the two. i know some ppl can and i'm glad! but i can't and that's okay too#httyd#httyd books
64 notes
·
View notes
Text
drawings ive done this week for a competition!! probably the most ambitious thing ive drawn in my new style but im very happy with them! :3
#mine#original#u hve no idea how small my brain is now#i will probably take th rest of the week off ough#i hope everyone is having a good time#im having a medium time but. i am getting there#ive ordered new prints!!!!! should be getting here next week i thnky#i need 2 order more business cards. my favourite thing to spend money on#its actually beginning to get sunny and warm so i will sit in the garden and read!!#im reading like. a murder mystery thing. its Just Okay#i read 'in memoriam' by alice somebody recently and OH BOY#i dont rlly know what im in the mood for book wise after this one....i might read the ninth rain ? ive heard good stuff abt it#part of me wants to read warrior cats bc i never read it as a kid but i think i'll b rlly autistic abt it so i am resisting currently#also i had porridge for breakfast this morning n put frozen blueberries in it n it made it purple....truly there is love in the world
407 notes
·
View notes
Text
hey guys remember like a few days ago when a good chunk of this fandom thought ed and stede weren't going to reunite until like the very end of the season, or at least that they were going to spend a big chunk of the season separated? and then the full trailer dropped and suddenly we got all this footage of them in the same frame interacting and everyone realized how unlikely those predictions are??? and how literally just a tiny bit more detail changed everyone's perspective on things?????
anyway yeah maybe we need to all think abt that for a minute and like. rethink the way we're treating certain theoretical s2 plot points as if they're a given.
#ofmd#our flag means death#ofmd s2#ofmd season 2#ofmd s2 spoilers#if u squint idk#txt#mine#og#this applies to a lot of things i've seen ppl in the fandom saying#but right now specifically it's abt the stupid canyon kool-aid comment#like for one thing. have some fucking faith that the writers will do a good job with izzy no matter what his arc is#(this is me saying i have no problem with an izzy redemption arc in case that isnt clear)#and secondly: y'all. we literally do not know the context of anything in the trailer.#we are all just spitballing our predictions right now#like i've seen a LOT of izzy fans taking victory laps abt izzy getting redeemed in s2#and like i said idc if he gets redeemed i'll eat up literally anything the writers want to give me#but for the sake of izzy fans i almost hope theyre right#bc there is a nonzero chance his “belonging” line is taken out of context and doesnt mean what we think it means#like. we don't know. we literally just don't know.#i'm gonna enjoy whatever happens but like i seriously hope nobody's gonna be heartbroken if izzy just gets worse
165 notes
·
View notes
Text
we sang in the aeroplane over the sea tgth ☆
#27% circle line with a lovely friend of mine rail tracks screeching etc etc u know the usual. im just gonna write down memories#a few weeks ago my friend read thus spoke zarathustra by the fire to the music she was dancing it was her silhouette#against the flashlight lit up gold and royal blues and tiger's silk i tried not to fall in love with her. in bordeaux we searched#for pomegranates he sent her 300 quid by the beach she cut it open with a knife her hand covered in red we each had a taste of her work#sweet red wet the sweetest grit. too barely clothed to go into the cliffside church they painted my eyes we painted hers#8 shots of gin she screamed joyfully IT'S ALIVE! at the book she said become the child i said i feel like a monster she said i was insane#i tried to believe her. fortified wine and later a red pen crossword defiled by humidity her hair in my hands two king sized beds#pushed next to each other she took her top off she told us to watch her arms raised up the musculature on her back was precise cut from#marble we saw oceans we saw the birds take cold baths the midnight sun over a wasp-infested pool our chemicals in their bodies#gold flakes dark skin gold cross shoulders against mine drawing some form of each other on the train i didn't hesitate#to say her eyes were beautiful over and over monks at the soapshop with titanium credit cards i loved you like i loved no other#he tied his hair up and walked us into the river he held a bullet between his lips i never held his hand he said what an honour#you own too much capital your mother thinks i'm a natural i realised i haven't told my mother i loved her in years she's always been mother#never mom i'll watch you watch seaweeds this is terminal akrasia i'll feel your fingers smear perfume on my lips your girlfriend grins#bite into the straw take the shot hold my hand get it all wrong draw in the sand kiss him right stab through leather shower in chlorine#you're the determinable vicissitude is all yours we won the Game AND the Battle AND the War i'm proud of you like crazy we feed each other#saffron cliffside lovers well-fallen brothers fat cats blue windows southwest sun ALife SynBio design aXAA grow us a city in silico#we've grown to the ends of glee fire-jumper ocean-eater sure-footed lists on lists hands on eyelids не устану искать тебя#...anyway ive put my face on this blog b4 but hiii again#feel free to rb btw the rants r not personal
46 notes
·
View notes
Text
s2 episode 8 thoughts
tears. in my eyes. shaky breathing. oh. okay.
well. no place to start but the beginning.
stares at my laptop screen for a long, long time before typing. give me a minute. allow to me collect myself.
okay. we start with scully's mom narrating. and we learn, thanks to the subtitles, that her mom's name is margaret. this is information i will also be storing in my useless scully facts book.
so we knew she had two brothers, but a sister is also mentioned, named melissa. and we get this story from her childhood, about how dana- which feels wrong for me to type, but i will- was given a bb gun by her brothers, and she joined in with them shooting a snake. but then she realized it was bleeding and she cried as it bled out in her hands and held it while it died. which is already So much to handle. and her mom is saying that she feels how her daughter felt that day watching the animal die.
the next thing we see is mulder is there, and. he's saying it's still too early to know if she's gone. but. well.
we see a gentleman bring something out. and it is a gravestone with her name carved into it.
he turns away like he was burned from even looking at it. and man. that hurt. very badly.
we see that her middle name is katherine. and we learn this because we see it on her gravestone.
he goes back to his place (where he still sleeps on the couch) but then he gets a phone call that they've found her. and he busts into the door when the nurse says he can't go in there. that's our man!
he's screaming at these poor healthcare workers, somewhat rightfully suspicious they're involved with the government who took her, but also man. they don't get paid enough. however, i understand the emotional explosiveness this had to have provoked. so he is really just screaming, at the nurse, at the doctor, demanding to know what the hell happened, where she came from, and he says "i swear i'll do anything, i'll find out what they did to her" while being escorted out
then there is a very tense conversation between the doctor and her mother and him. the doctor must have already have been in quite a state, because mere minutes ago a raving angry man accused him of stealing his friend, and now he's sitting with said angry man explaining that they genuinely have no idea how she got here, and that she has no indication of injury.
we also learn that she had no desire to remain on life support past a certain point. and mulder knows this because. he. he. he uh. well he signed her will.
now i think maybe that's just something you have to do at the fbi and i can see them making a little joke out of it- a nice little trip to get each other's will signed, make a day of it, keep it light and funny- but man. man in this context. oh i'm gonna be Sick.
so we see a woman holding a crystal over her body and we learn it is her sister melissa!!! she's really pretty. she tries to show mulder that you can feel her energy by holding his hands over her but he gets angry and leaves.
(i love this dichotomy here, that somehow the ultra skeptic has a sister who is into talking about spirits and crystals. truly i feel this is what happens to people raised catholic)
at this point i wrote "girl i'm stressed tf out" and yeah. kinda the whole mood.
melissa is saying that his anger and fear is blocking the positive emotions she needs to feel, which echoes my statements about how he has been too cranky this season. but i can't even laugh because the man is in Distress.
he goes back to his place after saying he needs "to do more than just wave his hands", and he's bouncing a basketball and putting tape on his windows. i get it. that oppressive feeling of being unable to sit still. every moment dragging like a lifetime. bounce bounce bounce. he wakes up and rips the tape off his windows.
and back to attending to her bedside. i do not think this man has been clocking into his shift at the fbi.
we see a fellow enter wearing a suit and carrying flowers and i was like oh shit is it last rites time? um. so maybe i don't know what gets worn to a last rites event. i realize my weakness in this area and will do some research when we're done here.
but it's not anyone here to do that- it's frohike, the guy from the lone gunman who was making weird comments about scully! he must have come to pay his last respects. he picks up a clipboard and i thought oh my gosh he's gonna start reciting poetry- but he notices something weird on her chart and sneaks it out
it seems the whole thing was orchestrated, because mulder goes back to the freaks at the lone gunman, who invite him to come over and watch earth 2 and point out the factual inaccuracies- which, all things considered, is very sweet- but they send her blood data to a hacker that uses a richard nixon persona and he says that yeah, her blood is weird. and mulder's like, is she gonna make it, and they say no. it got very somber.
in terms of scully view, we see her on this dock of a boat between life and death. i thought that was nice imagery, and extremely eerie. those around her bedside are on one side of the dock, and it looks like the rope could snap and drift away at any moment.
the nurse comes in to do some blood work and i have another "augh blood" moment. so i look away. and mulder is REALLY pondering her blood. i thought he was honestly gonna take it for himself, maybe bring it in for testing or keep it like an emo.
but no! a strange man in a suit STEALS the blood!
so mulder is back into track star mode and is SPRINTING after this guy. i always forget that he is a runner. and he is RUNNING around this hospital and makes it to the parking lot until...
he is stopped by deep throat 2.0, a man for whom i realize i have no other name. but you know who i'm referring to, right? so i guess that name will work for now. deep throat 2.0 says that mulder needs to stop NOW, and that HE got deep throat 1.0 AND scully killed by looking into things too hard. which is an absolutely awful thing to say btw. deep throat 2.0 has a gun to mulder's head and says to stop searching.
mulder proceeds to run after the blood thief despite these warnings. can't say i blame him. he finds the blood thief!!! and they have a bit of a fight until...
deep throat 2.0, who earlier said he wanted to remain out of this mess, rolls up? so we're getting mixed messages here. and he says i'll take care of this and SHOOTS THE BLOOD THIEF?????? in the head.
back to the hospital. mulder is not pleased about the prospect of life support being removed but melissa says he has to honor her wishes. and he's going on about the blood protein and the doctor is like "why do you think this has anything to do with blood protein" and he Does Not Explain
her mom calls him "fox" again and says this is a moment for the family, but he can come too. and he won't come in. he's the wettest and saddest a man has ever looked as they go in there. and then the rope holding her to the dock of the afterlife is severed.
man. if i had been a contemporary viewer i would have been sobbing. thank god i've seen gifsets that prove this wasn't the end for her. because if i hadn't, i would have been in shambles. i mean i Was in shambles but like i would have been bawling on the floor.
cig man is with skinner. i honestly didn't think we'd get up to any sort of fbi related tasks in this episode, but he hands skinner a report and leaves. and then mulder comes in and denies being involved with the shootout at the hospital
(it's worth noting that he is doing all the denying to be an ass to skinner, and yells about "how does it feel, all the denial")
and he says that it was "cancer man" who took scully. i had been calling him cigarette man, but cancer man is very comparable.
the next thing i wrote was "SKINNER IS A BITCH????" this was because he said that mulder is "just as responsible" as cancer man for scully's situation if he knew the risks of this line of work and didn't warn her.
skinner baby YOU CAN'T SAY THAT? seriously i cannot figure this guy out. every time i think i have a read on him he does something like this that shifts my interpretation. what a horrible thing to say to someone.
cut to scully cam. she's on a table in metaphysical land. and her dad is there. he calls her starbuck and refers to himself as ahab- so the first mate and the captain. and he's monologuing about how he never knew how much he loved her until he realized he could never be with her again, and he says they'll be together "soon", but not now. so i'm wondering if she can hear all of this going on. i would guess so.
mulder is in the cafeteria with melissa and she is trying to talk a bit of sense into him. she says "you could spend the rest of your life finding every person that's responsible and its still not gonna bring her back" and he replies "including myself?"
now usually i would say that mulder taking the blame upon himself is tragic and typical, but here, having it also been implied by skinner AND deep throat 2.0, i am thinking, man, he's got to really believe it, even more so than all the other times he couldn't save everyone. which is. fucked up. so immensely fucked up. i'm sorry you pissed me off last episode baby but we can go to the zoo again like i planned. let's go see some tigers and cheer you up.
a woman walks in and asks him for change for the "cigarette machine", which was the first time in my life i have ever heard the term "cigarette machine", so maybe the earth really is healing
but he finds a pack with an address in it, and then, straight from my notes:
"CIG MAN'S HOUSE. OH MULDER IS THERE AND POINTING A GUN AT HIM. AND ALSO SCREAMING. "why her" oh his finger gets very close to the trigger"
cig man says he likes her and mulder, and. wow. what a despicable human being. he says that he likes mulder more for showing up to his place with a gun. says he's playing the game. mulder seems to have a realization he is acting just like those he swore to destroy and puts the gun down. cig man says it'll be their secret. and also that he was the one that told skinner that mulder shot the guy in the hospital even though he didn't think it was true.
we next see mulder sadly tapping at his computer. he prints a one sentence resignation letter "effective immediately" NOT even a two week's notice, that's how bad they fucked this man up
skinner comes by and says it's unacceptable while mulder is packing all of his things. and mulder says:
"i hate what i've become"
man. fuck. he hates the rage he has been driven to. the loss of control. the way he sees himself as being responsible for deep throat and scully. and all of it stemming from his need for answers, to track down his sister. he hates what that feeling of insufficiency has led him to and the path he now walks upon. hates it. hates his situation and himself and the world.
skinner decides to share some personal story time: he went off to vietnam- willingly enlisting on his 18th birthday. and then while he was there he shot a kid who was covered in grenades. the camera glances back at mulder occasionally, who, despite all of his grief, seems to be consulting his oxford training to try and remember what you're supposed to say to a guy who just told you he killed a child in vietnam.
and then he says he watched all his friends die and that he almost died- he was put in a body bag, and was in a coma for two weeks- and he was too scared to learn what happens next. but mulder isn't. and that's why his resignation is unacceptable.
mulder adds things up and realizes that it was skinner that gave him cancer man's location. again. complicating the vibe i get from skinner in doing something positive now. he says that every day is a risk.
deep throat 2.0 rolls up, saying that the people who did this to scully are going to break into his apartment tonight, and he'll have to kill them. he looks displeased by this- aversion to taking any sort of lives- but resigns himself to it.
so he's in his place in the dark ready to start blasting, when he gets a knock on the door. and it's melissa.
this is where we get the iconic exchange "why is it so dark in here?" "because the lights aren't on" which made me laugh so thoroughly seeing it out of context before i ever decided to watch this show
and melissa is MAD. scully is weakening, and she came to get him to say his goodbyes, but he won't go because. well. shootout is about to go down. this is his ONE chance to learn who did this to scully. but she doesn't know that is why he won't leave, so she YELLS at him, about being in a place even darker than her sister, and asks "why is it so much easier for you to run around trying to get even than just expressing to her how you feel? i expect more from you. dana expects more from you"
and man. those words are heavy. he locks the door, knowing that his place is gonna be robbed, and that he'll never know who hurt her, and comes down to see her.
and he's talking to her. holding her hand. saying he's here. he doesn't know if it'll change anything, but he's here.
when he goes home, his place is entirely ransacked, and he falls to the ground crying. fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck. i can't even put into words how bad this broke me. big strong mulder weeping on the ground, his career in shambles and his best friend dead.
i feel like i need to pause there just for how heavy it was. like this was his lowest low. lower than even vampire sex.
but he soon gets a call and he smiles so wide!!! and we learn her eyes are open!! it is the sweetest smile i have ever seen!!!!!!
he gets down to the hospital and she's awake and talking- but she doesn't remember anything- and he, being the insufferable man that he is, says the following:
"i brought you a present (holds up a vhs tape) superstars of the superbowls"
man. man. man. man. she deadpans so quickly. "i knew there was a reason to live"
he must have grabbed a random tape off his shelf and brought it to her with the express intent of antagonizing her back in the realm of the living. and he thought of something to say along with it on the car ride down, his hands shaking. something, anything to make her laugh. a stupid vhs tape. his constant sports references. her quick tongue. oh dear lord help me these two have ruined me.
he gives scully her necklace back, which i wrote about in all caps, while her mother and sister watch
and then we learn that the nurse who was taking special care of her was never actually there when scully wants to thank her and the other nurse is like "um no one who works here has that name" so. SCULLY PARANORMAL EXPERIENCE (POSITIVE)??!?!?!?
overall. man. i am experiencing such a volume of emotions. what the hell. she's back, though. and we saw how much she means to him. and i feel like i could type a million words on the subject but i don't even know what to say because they're still all stuck in my chest. they love each other sososo much.
will he ever tell her what he did in her absence? how he tried to quit? how he broke every rule trying to save her? how he screamed at the doctors, how he broke into cigarette man's house, how he almost pulled the trigger? how he watched a man die when deep throat 2.0 shot him? how he was blamed for her condition by himself and by others? how he left his apartment to be ransacked, giving up his one chance to catch whoever did this to her, to try and let go of his grief and be with her instead? or will he keep quiet except for the latest witticisms and frequent visits and presents and stories by her bedside while she gains strength and recovers?
and how he left, too, when he knew she was okay. how he must have wanted to be there more than anything in the world, but knew she needed to rest, so he left her with her family. how he could breathe easy again. how he had to make it seem like it was cool, and everything was contained.
man. this tv show. i just typed all of those words out and i still feel like i didn't even begin to cover the things i'm feeling. i feel like i need to shake them up and down.
but this should be good, because the x files are reopened... so are we seriously, as the kids say, so back? only time will tell!
#neeeeeed to know what happens while she's getting better#need an incredibly detailed oneshot. because i KNOW they are gonna jump back into the shenanigans in the next episode#and we're not gonna get to see all the time it takes for her to gain strength and how she struggles through it and everyone's reactions#no i know this too well by now. we're gonna get another case next episode and not an analysis into this.#BRING ME THE FIC i bellow from the comfort of my bedroom.#this whole experience had such an emotional effect on me i know that perhaps it can be ME who comes back and writes the fic someday#which is why i'm glad i take detailed notes. so i can jump back in.#i also wanted a fic post episode 20 after they had been eaten by the bugs because i'm a sucker for whump basically#so maybe i'll come back to that someday as well#anyway. this is why we watch this show. not for awkward vampire sex. i forgive u mulder. you're my special meow meow again#but scully can do no wrong so keep that in mind moving forward.#juni's x files liveblog#txf#the x files
39 notes
·
View notes
Text
I've been seeing a growth on hatred towards Tubblings (Tubbo's community) in here. Aswell as some explicit hate towards Philza.
It's not a huge issue yet, but before it is: know that we don't tolerate plain hate in here and u will be reported. Tumblr HAS a report system that works.
You ARE responsible for the things you say online.
Doesn't matter if you're famous, or a public figure, or just a jane-doe. You're not just another number or comment and u will be held accountable.
Be gone trolls
#qsmp#tubbo#honestly I don't know where it's coming from or why#and I don't want to know either#qsmpblr is a safe space or God so help me#And I'm not talking about negative opinion toward a behavior or criticism#people have the right to disagree#it's healthy even#but hate speech? nah uh#not here#i also saw some weird hate to phil and the crows and immediately reported#and I'll say if the internet is causing such strong emotions and stress on ya it might be wise to take a break from it before u become sick#but don't make it other peoples problem#remember that there is a lot of kids and minors in this community#it's not cool to expose them to such behavior#you know what? I'll tag every streamer/community I can think of that has had hate thrown at them recently around twitter and here#badboyhalo#qsmp dapper#cellbit#oibagi#pactw#mikethelink#brazilians#quackity#philza#qsmp admins#qsmp empanada#qsmp sunny#qsmp leonarda#qsmp richarlyson
60 notes
·
View notes
Text
like s5 is the first season where rayla doesn't say something is her fault.
we're breaking the cycle
#tdp rayla#memes#mine#i know it's there in 5x01 spiritually but u know what? i'll Take it#i'm expecting a full on mental breakdown relapse in s6 but like#FOR NOW IM THRILELD
60 notes
·
View notes
Text
Sorry for the water filter but can I be honest the more I think abt it the more I kind of hate this post. I think it'd be better if it didn't namedrop an actual real life trans person for the sake of going "ew, I don't wanna look like THAT" (especially when contrasting him to these random guys, all I hear in "Elliot Page does not look like Just Some Guy" is basically "I don't think Elliot Page 'passes'"), but even then I think it's interesting how "I am a trans man who wants to present traditionally masculine" is presented as like, the hot take of the century. Should we throw a party. Should we invite. idk. Buck Angel
#like i get where ur coming from here but i actually don't think 'unlike you losers i want to be MANLY' is like a super Hot Take or anything#but maybe i'm just a faggot and a confused little girl and i'll never pass so i might as well join the 41% or however u guys talk. who know#open mick night#gender#rbs off for now bc this post is kinda mean but i had to say it anyway#shaking trans guys by the shoulders Literally No One who thinks being trans is like. a thing that's okay is saying you can't#'look like hank hill' or whatever. no one is stopping you from Being Masc. that's what's expected out of you
81 notes
·
View notes
Text
the wind has carried us too far, it's blown the moon down
#artists on tumblr#illustration#art#oc#digital art#my art#tian#happy bday to zhu's man tian tian we luv u tian tian a man for the last day of the year#''i won't be able to do anything for his bday bc i won't have my graph display'' false i love him and technically i have an ipad#''okay i'll just do this quick'' false i've been agonizing over this for 24hrs. the procreate timelapse is hilarious#''OKAY i can't look at this anymore i am DONE'' false we're adding chrysanthemums#this is the first thing i've actually forced myself to do in procreate start to finish........... many things i want 2 fix but not bad#973963747347525000% diff from doing in photoshop. learned many funny things abt my [ checks notes ] process#funniest thing was finding out i know exactly what t looks like in photoshop but in procreate...... whuh. huh. sorry to this man#anyway happy new year's (eve)!!!!!!!! i hope 2024 treats us all so well pls take care!!!!!!!!!!!!
51 notes
·
View notes