#but they definitely would have social anxiety
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, happy endings
summary - everyone sees you as this weird and crazy ravenclaw. everyone except remus and sirius.
pairing : ravenclaw!reader x wolfstar
word count: +3k
tw: angst | nearly a happy ending | mentions of fight | self deprecation | sirius being sirius | she pronouns used
[part 1] [part 2]
You walked out of Flitwick’s office with your head low.
It caused you anxiety to know anyone could watch you exit your Head of House’s office, because everyone knew the only reason you’d be in there is because you were in trouble.
You accidentally bumped into people on your way out, though, making you stop short.
“I’m so sorry.” You said.
“Y/N? Hey, it’s only us.” Sirius said and you lifted your head to catch sight of him and Sirius before you.
You became anxious over Sirius coming to find you over a moment that you’d shared with Remus in Potions earlier. You knew that it had meant nothing to Remus, even if it had meant something to you. The way Sirius had looked at you afterwards though still made you uncomfortable thinking about.
“Sorry. I wasn’t looking where I was going.”
Just as Remus was about to say something, Professor Flitwick came out of his office.
“Ah. Just the two people I need to see.” Flitwick said, causing you to bolt before any other questions could get asked.
“But…” Sirius started, watching you leave without a goodbye.
“C’mon.” Remus tugged Sirius, not wanting to get into any more trouble if they somehow already were.
“If it’s any consolation, Mr Black, i’d like to talk to you both about Y/N.”
That caught Sirius’ attention and he was more engaged to enter Flitwick’s office then. Remus followed close behind.
Flitwick’s office was small but magical. Literally.
He had pieces of paper filing themselves away everywhere. There were books also putting themselves away on designated shelves.
“Take a seat boys.”
Flitwick went around the side of his desk and sat opposite where Sirius and Remus now sat.
Remus’ fingers started scratching at one another, because the anticipation of knowing what he’d done wrong and how he would be punished was too much. His only saving thoughts were that Sirius was beside him and you were the reason they were here, not him.
Sirius reached over to take Remus’ hand in his, interlocking their fingers to stop Remus from fidgeting.
“Are we in trouble, Professor?” Sirius asked, “‘Cause if we are, I can guarantee it was all me and nothing to do with Remus.”
Remus slightly smiled at how protective Sirius still was even after so long.
“I can assure you that neither one of you are in trouble. I just need to ask something of both of you.”
“Okay.” Sirius said skeptically.
“Darcy Gunther came to see me today, claiming that Y/N provoked Darcy’s cat and this explains the scratches down Miss L/N’s face. Now I have known Y/N since she started at this school and I don’t particularly think they would be so silly to do such a thing—.”
“They wouldn’t.” Sirius quickly chimed in, feeling Remus’ hand tense in Sirius’ due to the rage of hearing Darcy’s story.
“However.” Flitwick clearly didn’t enjoy being interrupted, “Miss L/N came in here and did not defend herself. I asked Y/N what was said to cause such a reaction from Darcy’s cat and all I got was a shrug in return. Miss Gunther explained that it was because Y/N was jealous that you two never give her the time of day? Again, I know Miss L/N and I don’t think this would be a concern of theirs.”
“Definitely.” Remus agreed.
“I don’t need to know what you two think about this. However, I am aware of Miss L/Ns lack of social circle and would like to ask if you two—.”
“Absolutely.”
“Yes, anything!”
Flitwick had to bite back a smile.
“— could make sure Y/N feels included.” He finished his sentence whilst the boys continued to nod. “Good.”
“So that’s it? No… getting into trouble?” Remus asked warily.
“Unless you have a direct link to what happened to Y/Ns face, Mr Lupin, you are free to go.”
“Wow. First time getting called into a teachers office and not getting told off!” Sirius laughed, as he and Remus stood to leave.
They both walked for the door, knowing they were about to burst out in conversation with each other once they’d left.
“Sirius?” Flitwick asked.
Sirius turned, whilst Remus had one hand on the door ready.
“Remember detention at Friday lunch.”
Sirius winked, “You got it.”
Remus rolled his eyes before they walked out the door.
•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•
You were sat at your favourite spot in the library when Sirius and Remus approached you.
The book you were reading was a novel full of adventure, mystery and treasure. You loved reading. The escapism into a world entirely different to your own was second to none. It was freeing and most importantly safe.
“Hey.” Remus said as he approached you.
You were sat at a four person bench table, you in the middle of one bench and - now - Sirus and Remus clambering to sit on the opposite bench.
“Hey.” You smiled.
“What’re you reading?” Remus asked.
You showed him the title and he looked impressed.
They didn’t have any books or notes of their own, so they must’ve either come here to cause trouble or to genuinely just sit and talk with you.
Curious.
“Are you two okay?” You asked.
“Y/N, you got attacked by a cat and you’re asking whether we’re okay?” Sirius asked, staring at your wound with intent.
“Did Flitwick put you up to this? To interrogate the truth out of me?” You frowned.
You had hoped they’d come here to chat with you, but maybe they were here on business to cause trouble after all.
“No.” Remus said.
“Yes.” Sirius said.
You looked at them confused.
“What are you doing?” Sirius asked Remus, flicking his finger on his forehead.
“What are you doing? Exposing us.”
“When have I ever been good at lying, Moony?”
“Uh… That time it turned out you’d been using my toothbrush for a whole term!”
“At least I was keeping my teeth clean!”
You stared at them with utter confusion.
You didn’t know what to feel. First they are here to spy on you and the truth? Then Remus lies to you about it? And now they are bickering over oral hygiene. If you didn’t insanely like them both, a normal person would have left by now.
“This is ridiculous. We’re talking about this later.” Remus muttered, annoyed with his boyfriend.
Sirius turned to you grinning and Remus tried his best to smile.
It took you all of three seconds to start chuckling to yourself. You could feel the corners of your eyes crease and the dimple on your face pop out to say hello.
Your giggles filled the space around you and you had to out a hand over your mouth in hopes of keeping them muffled.
“Ssh!” Some senior prefect glared at you.
“Oi! Don’t tell her to shush,” Sirius barked and then quietly muttered, “Prick.”
“No it’s okay. It’s a library, I should be quiet.” You stopped laughing, but not smiling.
“Not when you’re laughing like that, you shouldn’t.” Remus said.
His comment made you blush and you had to dip your head before Sirius could see.
You were worried if Sirius caught you being affected by Remus’ kindness - again - he would probably have to confront you, and you weren’t too excited for that.
There was just something about Sirius and Remus that made your heart feel right. Like they were a reminder that even through all the tough moments, there was still sunshine in the form of them.
Remus had his level-headed, introverted-ness, about him and Sirius was all hot-headed and cool. Both of them together just made sense.
You wished you had someone that would complete you into being made sense of.
It was hard though when, well for one no one in the school ever talked to you, and the only people who do speak to you are already in an established relationship.
“Y/N, are you single?” Sirius asked, breaking the silence.
Remus’ jaw dropped and looked at Sirius like he just killed his grandma.
Why was Sirius asking whether you were single when his boyfriend was sat next to him?
“What is this?” You nervously chuckled, “An interrogation over my love life?”
“Sirius…” Remus tried to stop him before he could start, but there was just no point.
“Have you ever been in a relationship?” Sirius asked.
“No.” You said quietly, embarrassed.
“Do you ever want to be?”
“Sirius!” Remus cursed.
“I-I don’t know what game you’re playing, Sirius, but it’s not funny. I get that I’m the joke of Ravenclaw and possibly even the school, but I’m not going to sit around and have you of all people embarrass me.” You spoke firmly, gathering your book in your hand.
“What do you mean ‘of all people’?” Sirius pushed.
“Sirius stop.” Remus gripped his boyfriends arm.
“W-we shouldn’t even be having this conversation.”
“What conversation, Y/N? I’m just talking.”
“You’re being a dick.” You muttered.
“A dick?”
“Yes. You know damn well that no one in this school likes me and it’s really cruel of you to make such a big deal of it.” Your eyes started to well with water.
“Y/N… That’s not…” Sirius started.
You stood up from your chair at the bench, “Look, I know what people say about me okay? I’d just rather not hear it from you today.”
And with that you were gone.
Sirius and Remus both watched you leave in a hurry, clearly not wanting to hang around for a single second longer than needed.
Remus whacked Sirius around the head with his hand.
“Ow- What the…?” Sirius whined.
Remus just glared at him.
“I screwed up.”
“Yeah, you screwed up.” Remus nodded in agreement. “What were you even trying to attempt?”
“Ask her on a date.”
“With who?”
“Us.” Sirius looked at Remus now like he’d not been present for the past five years.
“Oh yeah, ‘cause asking a girl who has never been in a relationship before on a date with, not one but, two guys is a great starting point.” Remus sarcastically answered.
“Ah…”
“Christ alive, how did you ever win me over?” Remus mumbled as he got up from the bench.
“Heyyy…” Sirius whined. “Wait, where are you going?”
“To fix your bloody mess.”
“Shall I….?”
“You stay here.” Remus ordered, hugging Sirius from behind with his arms dangling over his shoulders.
“And do what?”
“Read a book.”
“Read? A book?” Sirius pretended to gag.
“Love you.” Remus kissed Sirius’ cheek, before reluctantly unravelling himself from him.
“I love you, but you are causing me much pain by forcing me to read.” Sirius banged his head on the table, hoping his sat force would cause Remus to change his mind.
But no.
Remus was gone and Sirius would have to go and find a book.
•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•
You were sitting on the floor of a dark corridor by yourself.
No one ever came down here because they were too scared of the Ravenclaw ghosts - that you had befriended over the years.
You wiped your tears from your cheeks a with your sweater as you heard footsteps approaching.
It was slightly sad, no definitely sad - the lame kind - to be sitting on the floor crying over two guys that you never thought would’ve given you the time of day, but here you were.
Remus and Sirius occupied too much of your brain space.
They made you happy, even if they didn’t know it.
You imagined what it would be like being happy with them.
Then, perhaps, you imagined a little too hard because the next thing you see is Remus walking down the corridor towards you.
You briefly catch him slip a piece of parchment into his back pocket, before wiping the rest of your tears away.
“Hi.” He nervously smiled.
You curled your knees up into your chest as your back pressed against the cold stone. Your eyes slowly watched Remus walk beside you, only to slink down against the wall and sit next to you.
“I don’t want to talk.” You said quietly, even though there was no one around to hear but him.
“That’s okay. If all you want to do is sit in this hallway in silence, then I’m happy to do it with you.”
Your heart swooned over his words.
You’d never had someone so insistent on being around you. A day ago, Remus and Sirius probably had never had you on their mind and yet today you had already seen them 3 times. 4 if you included this time with Remus.
Remus kept his word and remained silent next to you, until five minutes later your thoughts were too loud to keep them in your head.
“How did you know where to find me?” You asked.
“Oh, uh, I guessed.”
“Lucky guess.”
“Yeah.”
“Do you think I should apologise to Sirius?”
“What?” Remus laughed, “No absolutely not. He was being a dick and he knew it. I love him, but he has no boundaries.”
You chuckled at that, because you could only imagine.
You scooted closer to Remus, needing to feel a little extra warmth in this cold corridor. The stone floor wasn’t exactly ideal for sitting on, but it had grounded you when you felt like you were slipping away. Now that Remus was here you felt like you had another way - a better way - of grounding yourself.
Plus, for some reason, Remus was exhorting a lot of heat.
“I feel like I need to apologise to Sirius anyways.” You admitted.
“How come?” Remus didn’t make any jokes. He just gave you the space to talk.
“I… It’s.. Gosh I don’t know how to say any of this.”
You shook your head, burrowing it down to your knees as if not being able to see the world would mean you’d entirely removed yourself from the situation.
How on Earth were you supposed to explain to Remus that you needed to apologise to his boyfriend because he’s caught you ogling Remus one too many times now? How do you admit a crush like this? And then not just on one, but two people? At once?
It was insufferable being inside your head currently.
It was like a giant wave of guilt and shame constantly crashing its way down on you, weighing you down until you felt like you couldn’t breathe any more.
“I.. I think there’s something wrong with me.” You let the tears fall then, feeling safe enough next to Remus to cry.
“Y/N…”
Your head shot up from your knees, needing to get this out, “I have never been loved before, Remus. I know I’m the butt of the joke. That I’m deemed unworthy and a bit pathetic. I get it, I do. But it fucking sucks that people see me like this when I still have a heart underneath, just like anyone else. It’s full of love and joy and happiness, but sometimes I forget it’s all there because of how small people make me feel. I’ve never felt like I fit in. I don’t fit in. And I certainly wouldn’t fit into a relationship with the likes of you or Sirius. So I need to apologise to Sirius and I need to apologise to you for ever believing that I could worm myself into your relationship - like I’ve wanted to for the past sodding half my life.”
You felt out of breath as you finished speaking, letting your chest heave off the anger.
You felt lighter for letting it all out, but also terrified at the boy you adored staring blankly in front of you and what his answer would be.
The silence lasted for two seconds too long before you decided that you’ve ruined everything.
“I’m sorry Remus. God, I’m so so sorry.”
You made tracks to stand up, but Remus stood up with you just as quickly - ignoring the resulting cracks from his bones.
He made his quickly into the space between you both and cupped your cheeks carefully.
“No. No, stop that. Don’t be sorry, not for that.”
You pouted your lips and your eyes watered.
“I never meant to hurt anyone.”
“What are you talking about, sweetheart? You’ve not hurt anyone,” Remus delicately traced his finger down the cat-scratch wound on your face, “Except only yourself.”
“I-I’m so.. s-sorry.” You hiccuped, tears falling down your face. Remus raced to catch them all as if it was a game, urging them to stop falling.
“Sshh. You’re okay.”
“I’m ru-ining everything.” You tried to drop your head but Remus kept you facing him.
“Never. You’re not, I promise. You haven’t ruined anything. You’re too good to ruin anything. Too sweet.”
You started sobbing then and Remus let you drop your head against his chest. He cupped the back of your head protectively and wrapped the other around your back to keep you close to him. His body shook as yours did and he felt every bit of devastation that you did.
You hurting, hurt Remus just the same. Just as Remus knew Sirius also felt.
Sirius soon appeared down the corridor, almost running when he realised it was you that was shaking heavily in Remus’ arms.
“Moony, what happened? Who did this? I swear when I find out who—.”
“Sirius will you calm down. She’s not hurt - well, not physically.” Remus explained, trying to calm down his boyfriend whilst also consoling you.
After hearing Sirius’ voice you reluctantly pulled away from Remus’ embrace. You nervously looked over at Sirius, your eyes no doubt swollen and puffy and your hair frayed from all the nuzzling into Remus chest.
“Y/N…” Sirius said your name so softly you would have smiled had it not been for the heartbroken tone he used.
“I’m so sorry for interfering with you and your boyfriend.” You apologised to Sirius.
Your fingers started scratching at each other with nerves.
You expected Sirius to lash out and agree with you, but instead he looked devastated - not with you, but himself. There was a look of remorse and guilt on his face, one you knew all too well.
“Is that how you’ve felt? How i’ve made you feel?” He asked.
You didn’t answer because it was clear he already knew the answer and you didn’t feel cruel enough to say it out loud.
“Moony… I’m sorry. I’ve ruined everything.” Sirius started to become upset now.
It only was moments before that you’d been upset over the same thing.
“Hey, listen to me. You’ve not ruined anything. You’re as perfect as you always are. But Y/N has something to say, okay?” Remus wrapped his arm around Sirius waist and turned him to face you.
As they both looked at you with starry and tearful eyes you couldn’t help but believe that you’d caused so much unnecessary pain and hurt to the two people you’d vowed never to upset.
It was clear that there was no room for you to fit in beside them, regardless of how badly you wanted to.
That was okay. It was something that would hurt but it would be something you’d learn to grow from in time.
“Sirius…” You started, before not really knowing where to go from there. You wanted to apologise, but you didn’t know quite how.
Sirius moved away from Remus and in front of you, wiping away some loose hair from your face. He was so close to you, you almost couldn’t breathe.
“I always felt unworthy…”
“Sirius…”
“No just hear me out. I always felt unworthy, until I met Remus. He showed me that I was able to be loved and treated with kindness. Then I came to realise that I could also love and treat people with kindness, and that realisation came when I met you. In fact, it was before I met you. It was the first time I saw you standing on the Platform, waiting to leave for Hogwarts. I saw you and I instantly believed I could be capable of loving someone else. My heart let in Moony, of course it did, but it never felt quite whole. Like there was a piece of the puzzle missing.”
You quickly glanced from Sirius to Remus, to make sure this was an okay conversation to be having - despite how much you never wanted the moment to end.
Remus gave you an encouraging nod.
“I felt it too.”
“All this time we’d been reeling over what that little bit of emptiness was caused by, until we realised that it was because we were missing you.”
#remus x sirius#wolfstar angst#wolfstar fic#wolfstar#wolfstar x reader#wolfstar oneshot#wolfstar fanfiction#wolfstar fanfic rec#wolfstar x reader rec#sirius black x reader#remus lupin x reader#wolfstar fic rec
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I love it when ppl portray Hollow as the most touch starved depressive mess of a character with the biggest sweetheart energy and protective behavior over their siblings
...while simultaneously making them an absolute force of eldritch horror complete with claws, fangs, and all kinds of scary void creature fuel
They're horrifying when you gaze upon them and then just
Hornet: "This is my sibling. They want the Happy Meal with the pink stuffed kitten toy, please"
Hollow standing like a nightmare giraffe in the corner of the store nervously picking at their cloak as Hornet demands ransom in the price of one pink stuffed kitten toy
That's the good shit right there
#hollow knight#night rambles#idk what this monster trope is called#but it's what I live for#Hollow is a capable grown adult okay#but they definitely would have social anxiety#and they look super intimidating#make no mistake though#they can and will mess you up#if you somehow burn through their incredibly long fuse of a patience
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my psychiatrist confirmed that i am in fact autistic
#all of my friends were like 'no really?!!! i had no idea“ listen i know we all know but i wanted to know For Sure#she's very 'aspergers' and 'you're going to learn how to make eye contact' about it because czech psychiatry is... well#but overall the other stuff she said checks out and im happy I don't have to live in constant self doubt anymore#now she's not completely sure i have adhd tho because my attention is mostly normal according to tests#but she's also not opposed to me having both like it's definitely still possible she just wants to focus on mainly treating my anxiety rn#she was like 'so it would make sense that you're living in social isolation'#me with most friends I've ever had in my entire life: :-)#i was like 'no i have friends they just all have adhd or autism too'#i mean i am still socially isolated. i oftentimes feel like other people are living behind a glass wall and i can't reach them#but i took it literally in the 'you are alone and no one talks to you' sense#anyway#i am disappointed none of my friends sent me 'náš auťák' from the czech Grease dubbing#i have many feelings about this but they are difficult to put into words so autism creature gift shall suffice
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#i told my friend i would go to a con with her in december and paid for my portion already but i kept getting super depressed thinking about#going to the con#and i mainly said yes because she has bad social anxiety and i wanted to support her#but i went to a con with one of my other friends a while ago and i am totally out of it#mentally and emotionally when it comes to anything fandom related. exept anime con but that's because i like seeing ppls costumes.#it's like i am a ghost of myself.#also i have expenses that keep piling up and i was like 'even if i don't get the whole refund i would rather have the money than go#on a trip just to be miserable'#so i kept putting it off but then i was like 'well i need to tell her at least a month before or else that is going to be really bad'#so i told her last night that things came up and i couldn't go (things is work/needing to save my money). like i know i already paid for it#but my partner is having a hard time making rent and i am having a hard time keeping a job so...#and i haven't told her any of this i just said 'things came up'#so she was naturally quite upset with me and said she “didn't give a shit if [i] lose money” but would pay me back for the con tickets#and the flight#like... she has always been brutally honest and (maybe?) autistic-coded so i tried not to let it get to me. i totally get being upset#and i am somewhat bothered with myself that i even said yes in the first place & then went back on it/waited so long to decide#but also i didn't expect to be paying my partner's half of the rent for a few months sooo.....#yeah#at least i will get half back and then i don't have to worry about asking for time off if i get a secondary job soon which i definitely nee#vent#delete later#tw financial issues
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i think what's really been getting to me the past few months is the realisation that i dont relate to literally any of the mental health stuff i see anywhere. like whenever there's some affirmation or motivation or just relatable-sounding posts in general they all seem like such common problems and it's like, damn i literally dont experience any of that. and yet im still crumpling. something uniquely wrong with me
#like ion have social anxiety and my depression manifests entirely differently. already excludes like 90% of things on here#also like. my parents grew up so poor immediately post ww2 and in the ussr that they#were eating dead animals off the street. my father was in a revolution when he was 10 and grew up working in a mine#and ion even wanna think abt the shit my mother endured in transylvania#and they both went to uni for over a decade and made an extremely good life for themselves#and i cant even do 2 yrs of uni without folding?? i dont even have anything else going on#i literally have everything handed to me why can't i just function#maybe i never learned how to struggle for things. i dont know#barking#and i cant say oh well im more mentally ill than them. first of all where do you think i got them from. second of#all they were in a war and spent the majority of their lives in the ussr. they wont even#talk about most of the things they went through#like dont get me wrong i have such a long list of mental issues my biography would count as the next dsm#but it's not like my parents were okay at any point. so like#for the record they stopped living in the ussr because the ussr ended they didn't move out or anything. we're still in eastern europe#which is definitely contributing to my overall state. please can i fucking leave pleeeease
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#tag talk#social anxiety is so much worse to deal with when only half of you is anxious because you never know when it'll happen#like. R is not anxious at all. she loves being around people and since we came out she's not scared anymore#but me on the other hand? being around people is a nightmare. agoraphobic for sure.#I wanted to go running again cause we woke up at six again. but the thought of going outside and being perceived? terrifying.#maybe I need to practice getting R to front. we're used to thinking of L as the defensive front but if R's sociability is the best strategy#then she would be the strongest front to present.#the problem is I've tried that and it just results in me feeling even more sullen and anxious because I feel dragged into things then.#because going out on public even with friends still makes me feel anxious and angry and generally annoyed.#ugh I'm so tired of being unpredictably two different people.#if I were just L all the time I could embrace that and find workarounds to these issues. but they hit me so unpredictably#so I don't have the reliability to trust. so my strategy is usually just 'wait until you change into someone without those problems'#because whatever issue I have can usually be fixed by the other half of me.#scared of upsetting people? turn into L. scared of socializing? turn into R. scared of doing tasks? turn into L.#it's also wild because when we're L we shift into a morning person. and R is definitely a night owl#so waking up at five am to go out and read a book on the couch is so great as L but staying up all night reading is R's sweet spot.#idk. I'm so tired of bouncing so much between these two people#and I'm beginning to suspect that we have different food preferences as well. which is.. frustrating#I wish it were as easy as going 'oh duh I'm making this up in my own head' and just stopping#like. yeah it's all in my head unfortunately that's where my sense of identity is too.
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i'm actually going out for drinks tonight for the first time in ages but now it's been 4 hours since i sent a reminder/are-we-still-on-for-tonight? text into the groupchat and the only person who replied so far is the one who already said they'd be over an hour late because of work but i was the one who made the reservation so i feel like i need to be on time and the radio silence is doing wonders for my anxiety
#ramblings#and the other friend who said she was definitely coming also already told me she'll probably be late because she has dinner plans#i can just already see myself sitting there alone waiting for them for ages ughhgggg i love uncertain plans so much!!!!/s#doesn't stress me out AT ALL i'm so chill#and idek who else is or isn't coming bc we made the plans so long ago bc its a uni reunion kinda thing#so now i'm just sat at home anxiously waiting for ANYONE in the groupchat to reply and say if they'll be there on time#bc i don't want to just sit there on my own for an hour until the others arrive#anyways i'll just bring a book#to get the party started#love having anxiety so much it makes all the experiences SO MUCH MORE FUN#like stressing out abt something that hasnt even happened#anxiety#also this is the kind of thing i would never post on any other social media lol bc i would be afraid of sounding like a loser#but on tumblr i can be my true authentic loser self 💞✨✨#me? going out? it's less likely than you think!
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Romantic/dating anxiety is definitely a thing (to me). I just steed into the dating world for the first time last year at the ripe age of 26 and when I tell you I’ve been anxious every time I’ve matched with someone/received a message complimenting me before we can even have a conversation/agreed to a date… it’s intense to say the least but I believe in us!
Definitely definitely a thing, like I’ve managed to give myself a decent stomachache just by overthinking this since it happened.
I don’t know what to do lmao because I have 0 experience, and like I just texted my best friend about, I shoot down every person that ever asks for my number or shows interest in me but then I also literally am always like…. looking for someone to be interested in me, but also like as soon as I know for sure they’re interested I don’t want them to be, and also I think I just feel awkward if the person is younger than me, so like when one of my coworkers clearly had a crush on me but he was like 5 or 6 years younger than me so I felt that was weird, and then this guy I don’t even know how old he is either so like that feels fucking awkward to me because nobody ever thinks I am my age, which right now I’m 27 😭 and the other day a girl I work with thought I was 23, which is a compliment but also like I don’t want to be in a relationship with someone that much younger than me 😭😭
#asks#I definitely have social anxiety to some extent though#like literally even the idea of going and hanging out with my best friend half the time I want to cancel and we’ve known each other for#like 12 years by this point if not actually 13 years#and then there’s my friends I’ve actually made at work I always get nervous to hang out with them even tho I see them all the time at work#and I genuinely like them as people#but I don’t fucking know 😭😭 I don’t know what I want and I’ve tied myself into a ball of anxiety so I just want to go home and shower and#curl up in bed except that I also had kinda made plans with my mom to go to target today#ALSO though like if I do respond and if this guy does ask me out on a date this week would be a good time#because since I live at home and since my parents (specifically my mom) are kinda overprotective and since I’ve never been into dating I#feel like they’ll ask me a million questions if I mention a guy or going on a date with a guy#and they’re gonna be gone this week so if I was to go out it would be the perfect chance to go without having to answer questions#but honestly 😂😂 that makes me nervous too#I need to text him back because since he’s a regular and since I work regular hours he’s probably got a general idea of the hours I work#which is also mildly weird to me#I overthink everything btw#I’m stressed 😭😭
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Sometimes i wonder "did something happen to my wife?"
And then i worry a lil and then i see she liked my posts and im like "im glad she is still alive but perhaps a lil stressed uwu"
#im sorry for calling you out pumpkin#“i cant believe a teenager is having more platonic sex than i am” - a guy i talked to#oh to have social anxiety#totally cant relate#not at all#i would never#me? also having social anxiety?#pish posh#btw pumpkin if ur reading this i hope ur exams went well#i hope u dont have any for the rest of the week#but knowing your school you definitely have like 3 other exams#why? because the school system wants ur blood honey#stop revising ur gonna do fine anyways cause ur so smart#anyways i hope ur doing well!!!!!
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my mom doesn’t think im autistic and then i write shit like, “yeah i look for patterns in my life but for some reason socializing and people never fit? why cant i apply other knowledge to being a person with other people”
#and ik its not social anxiety bc this is *systematic*#im socially anxious because i genuinely do not know if what i say and do will be well received#idk How i ignored the judgement when i was a kid or remember really if there was any#i mean. like i know of some… and those things have been pretty much edited out of my personality#im slowly getting some of that back i think#unless this is a totally average thought and experience?#like. oh i realized that actually making small mistakes when playing music is not the end of the world#so then why does it feel a hell of a lot like social setting vibes can change at the drop of a pin#maybe it is just anxiety! maybe i am truly just scared of judgement#im definitely a perfectionist so it would make some amount of sense#but then like theres still the real true factual experiences ive had when i *knew* being myself would have been completely rejected#in spaces that are not predominantly queer/nuerodivergant#so i dont know if ive just grown accustom to like. infodumping and stimming as being super normal and almost expected#and that the ‘real world’ isnt like that#in which case i suppose it would be a learned thing#so who tf am i then#brb gonna have an existential crisis real quick#rambles#winter stfu
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ratio + ayano and haruka finish hs going to night school together + takane falsifies her documents and never finishes + shintaro also never finishes and doesn't even have documentation. #slay
#doesnt matter school is easy for shintaro. i love smart characters who just cant do school bc it sucks♥️#hes like wow. no thanks#cant go to school like ayano and haruka bc social anxiety and even if hes not a shut in anymore its still. difficult.#to suddenly go back to a rutine like that#tries doing it online but also flunks because he cant bring himself to sign in or have the energy to actually do assignments#maybe he'd finish it but definitely a lot later#erm#hehe#kagevinnie#headcanons#i say ayano and kido are the only ones to go to college but realistically haruka would like to as well. but i think he's too busy with work#and doesnt have time 💔#haruka and takane work on an indie game together teeheeeee shintaro makes the music👍👍👍 ayano writes the story👍👍👍
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Why are there rumours of tour dates today is this anything meaningful or just random wishful thinking
#i actually dont even know who id go with#the ppl i went with to rep i dont rly talk to anymore and the person that kinda brought the group together may not be able to go#my bestie wants to go with her other friends and i would rather go alone than go with them#and everyone from here has their own friends#it's kinda like. i definitely have Options but none of them is clear#(to clarify my besties friends are fine but i wouldn't want to bring in social anxiety and discomfort into my eras experience ya know?)
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#2 whole weeks sobeR let’s talk abt it#this the longest I’ve gone without a crumb of weed in my system in 5 yrs and the second longest in 8 yrs#For a long long time I thought I was self medicating the adhd but turns out I was making it Significantly worse#I have an attention span now I can watch tv without scrolling on my phone or playing w fidget toys#My apartment has stayed perfectly clean for the past 2 wks#haven’t rly struggled with eating or sleeping routines are v important wit it tho#been relying heavily on safe foods I’ve eaten the same exact thing every day for 2 weeks but it’s fine#ashwagandha helps me not wanna peel my skin off in rage#time moves INSANELY slower when ur not h*gh every waking second of the day these have been the Longest 2 wks of my life#but also I have So Much more time to do things and SO much more energy to do the things#I thought being anxious and exhausted was just my constant state of being but turns out that was Also just the weed#The insane nightmares have been The hardest part but most of the time my dreams are just weird#Feeling emotions is weird I’ve cried more in the last 2 weeks than I have in the last 2 years#I cry about good things I cry about beautiful things art as a whole is just so moving#self regulating after stressful things like work or staying with my parents is definitely New as w as decompressing after socializing w ppl#I do things like paint and journal and make silly little bracelets now#Idk man it just hasn’t been as hard as I thought it would be#A few months ago me and ******** were talking about how we’d actually k word ourselves without it#turns out the jazz cabb was making my depression and anxiety so much worse than it actually is#shits literally fine#Anyways don’t let ppl tell u u can’t develop an unhealthy relationship w weed I was h*gh every waking second of my day for 5 yrs#Last time I tried this I immediately became an alcoholic instead this time I don’t even feel the desire to have a single little drink#Overall I have A Lot more self control in every single area of my life#I don’t waste my money on dumb shit I can eat normal amount of food like a normal person#The thought of buying my favorite cookies and only having like Two of them used to be such an unreasonable concept to my little brain#I don’t know if this is gonna be a permanent thing I definitely know I can’t do it habitually#just like I learned I can be normal about alcohol if I don’t keep it in my house and only do it when socializing for special occasions#anyways if ur thinking about taking a break from ur favorite substance maybe give it a try#thx for coming 2 my ted talk if u read the whole thing I luv u take care of urself
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also there's a possibility that i might have had pots even before i got covid, covid just made it way worse and forced me to recognize and take my symptoms seriously. and looking back, a lot of stuff makes a hell of a lot more sense through that lens.
#personal#there were so many times where i felt like something was massively Wrong but i didn't have any definitive evidence#and i had such bad social anxiety growing up that i wouldn't say anything even if i was in extreme pain#so i just suffered in silence even when i felt like i was going to pass out or throw up#so many times i WANTED to pass out or throw up so people would notice and i would feel like it was legitimate#but it never quite got to that point so i never said anything#also apparently my heart rate has been extremely high when measured at the doctor's which would explain#why i can't feel SHIT i can't feel my heart racing at all even when it's at like 150 bpm sitting down#because that's just normal for me apparently i don't feel it because i'm used to it#anyways. that really makes everything i've ever done in my entire life feel a lot more impressive. proud of myself 💜#kinda wish i'd known sooner so i could have been kinder to myself but also i'm not sure younger me was ready to be kind to herself
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i wish i wasn't so shy
#the bin#theres a party happening where i work tomorrow after close. i really like my coworkers but i cant make myself go#im so tired of being home alone all the time but :/ the coworker i dont like isnt even gonna be there so i wouldnt have to deal but :/#i just cant. i know at least most of my coworkers like me but. hhhh. the thought of going makes me super anxious#i dont know why it makes me so nervous. but the fact ill definitely have to see all these people again doesnt help bc if i seem weird its#a permanent fumble. until i move at least.#i can be normal in work settings because i dont HAVE to talk. i can focus on working and i think that actually makes people see me as very#professional. it certainly did at my last job. and where i work now im always tryna make sure if theres stuff to be done that im doing it#and asking. whenever theres nothing to do i feel so awkward and bored. a few of my coworkers are nice to talk to but we only talk bc they#have nobody to talk to. when its more than 1 other person then those 2 people usually talk to each other and i do nothing#idk. this sorta thing isnt the kind athing everyone likes doing but it feels like the kinda thing i would actually enjoy if i wasnt so shy#its weird to me that i was able to push past some of my social anxiety in order to get a job. but that only happened bc i was fully forced#to. and i procrastinated it quite a bit. i forced myself to deal with stuff previously so i could go to the store and that was the same case#i fully tan out of food and drink for 3 days before i finally forced myself to walk to the store out of pure necessity bc i HAD to#since the ppl i lived with refused to go to the store even tho i was out of food#and now i do those things fine. i get kinda anxious but its really fine#but i cant force myself to do other things. it sucks so much#well. it doesnt matter.
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Hmmm there's supposed to b rlly good northern lights tonight but I'm still not entirely sure the building's door locking schedule thing. Do I risk going out later anyways or just pray I can see around the streetlamp and inch-thick grime blocking half my window
#I wish it was fucking posted somewhere or like. on the goddamn website or SOMETHING#kinda an important thing to know. esp considering I've been locked out of the building because I was in fucking class before#like idek if there's actually locked hours at all anymore??? website just says the hours are 'accessible with [student card]'#but I distinctly remember being told there were locked hours and I've definitely been locked out. maybe it's only at certain times of year?#but I don't KNOW because they WONT SAY#armchair speaks#alternatively I go out the main doors which I'm p sure never lock but they're sometimes monitored by ppl for who's going in/out#and idk if I can handle the social anxiety thst would come from having to explain to staff that I want to go look at the sky#I Could say I have to do night photography for part of an assignment. which isn't Entitely a lie. just like 90% a lie
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