#but there are some times where i really am the worst person to myself
Explore tagged Tumblr posts
postcardsfromheapside · 1 day ago
Text
So I finished my DA2 replay, and I had wondered if I would feel differently after taking my time with it, and with the perspective of Veilguard. And yes, in small ways I do, but about the series and about Anders, I don't. That is to say: I think Veilguard is a fucking fantastic capper to the series (I mean, pray there is more, "hope for the best, expect the worst" as the Mel Brooks song goes), and Anders is relatably angry, even if the "betrayal" is frustrating and heart-breaking.
Also, there's just too much Dragon Age just the same way there's too much Tolkien, it's just that I can relisten to Tolkien via audiobook while I work and don't have time to constantly replay Dragon Age to absorb every little detail that my broken brain forgets (and I'm pretty good with lore) and I wish parts of this fandom were more curious than scathing about things they've obviously forgotten. Or skipped through, according to some of them, because I guess the context of dialogue and a cut scene isn't necessary for some of them to weigh in on things.
Word vomit of notes below the break:
First of all.
Can these two just fuck already. Watching Cassandra go from throwing him around to absolutely ENTHRALLED by Varric's complete bullshit is just going to make it so much better when I hit the "Guilty Pleasures" quest again in DA:I. This woman is SEDUCED by his story-telling, and you *cannot* convince me he wasn't gagging on his power trip.
Tumblr media Tumblr media
Second.
I never played Mark of the Assassin before, and had completely forgotten Felicia Day was in DA2, and laughed like hell. I really enjoyed it. I haven't really used a stealth option in a game since leaving Skyrim for other stuff (do we ever really leave Skyrim?) and it was really fun, but I think the wyvern at the end of the DLC was actually the best fight in the entire game, even more than Corypheus. It hinted at the dragon battles to come in Veilguard. Also, I loved how Anders' dialogue got more relaxed outside of Kirkwall, like shedding the city let him loosen up. The back and forth with Hawke about his fantasy for being rescued was completely unhinged - after I accused Hawke of being feral and lacking social graces, I've decided the two of them match each other's freak and they're fine.
Third.
All the people who were losing their minds about the line "A crow never abandons a contract" and acting like the devs forgot Zevran.
He literally addresses it in the game. I keep having these moments where shit that people bitched about regarding Veilguard is addressed right *there.*
"The crows do like saying that, but I am living proof it's a lie."
Tumblr media
No one actually forgot, but I'm sure the Dellamorte's wish to the Maker a motherfucker could.
Tumblr media
When people complain the writing in Veilguard is too modern, I'm going to remember Hawke complaining exactly like this. She sounds like I do when I'm side-eyeing my friends in the year of our Maker 2025.
Fourth.
I had planned on romancing Blackwall this DA:I run, finally, because I'm a little obsessed with this Warden throughline from Anders to Blackwall to Davrin. From a cage, to hope/redemption, to a more meaningful path of positive change and impact.
Tumblr media
They both haunt Veilguard's narrative and dialogue.
And then of course:
Tumblr media Tumblr media Tumblr media
hrm.
Fifth.
I do hope we get another DA. Or supplementary material. Because I want to know what the fuck is going on with this story I had forgotten the details of, especially with the decision regarding the Nadas Dirthalen.
Tumblr media Tumblr media
These two fucking idiots. I can't believe in different lives I've schtupped them both. (I can absolutely believe it)
Tumblr media Tumblr media Tumblr media Tumblr media
Sixth.
The worst part of Meredith is she sounds like conservative family members of mine. 'Better to punish the innocent than risk even one guilty person go free', rather than the opposite. To them it sounds so reasonable. To us, it's abhorrent to punish everyone else for other people's crimes.
Tumblr media
I couldn't bring myself to feel betrayed by Anders, even though I tried to play my Hawke as I think she would have felt: betrayed by the secret-keeping, if nothing else. The shock and hurt at the innocent lives. But it's hard not to feel an understanding when I sit here in a political situation with - maybe not less fraught, but at least less fantastical - implications and certainly still feel like violence is inevitable and we are way past the point of compromise and words.
Anyway.
This dwarf.
Tumblr media
26 notes · View notes
shiftingwithdali · 2 days ago
Text
I have the opposite problem where I find it hard recognizing I'm in a dream but when I do become lucid I can control some stuff. I'm still working on controlling my whole dream but yk baby steps.
I speak from personal experience so idk how serious my advice should be taken but
First thing I do when I'm not sure if I am in a dream or not I look at my hands. Today I tried to shift from a lucid dream and I ended up somewhere I didn't recognize so I thought at first that it worked but then I looked at my hands and I had 4 fingers on my left and about 7 on my right so I dismissed that thought.
Also I find it easier to control myself in a dream then my surroundings. For example I make myself fly or jump really high at first at that almost always works out. I did realize that I had to focus all my willpower to that specifically, I had to really want and believe it to happen. If I have a doubt or a negative thought of something that would mostly turn out for the worst (for me). Also everything is usually a lot slower for me when my dreams become lucid like I'm moving in slow motion.
Then I move onto controlling my surroundings. I haven't been able to change whole dreams yet. Last time I tried I felt and heard the new dream but I couldn't see it. But what does work for me is changing one thing. I have tried to make portals but for me those usually don't work but doors do because I can visualize those better. And before opening the door I visualize a bright light behind it and I set an intention when I step through it (for me this would be a different dream or a shift).
I stay away from experimenting with lucid dreams with people involved for now because I've had some paranoia leading to negative thoughts with it. But I've seen loads of people having no problem with talking to people in their dreams.
I've heard about some "rules" when dreaming about clocks, mirrors, men with hats and telling people that they're in your dream but since I've done no research on that I won't get into that also since I don't know how much of it is true or just made up :)
Hopefully some of it helps, if not then thank you for reading this rant.
Also don't let any of this limit anything. I've stated my past experiences and things I've noticed but I fully believe that everything goes smooth and well after doing it more and experiementing
Anyone have tips for lucid dreaming?
I've been working on lucid dreaming for about a year now. I often realise that I'm dreaming but can never quite push to the point of controlling it.
It's quite annoying when I wake up, knowing that I was aware of dreaming but not actually doing anything 😅
27 notes · View notes
713-4th-ward-g · 2 years ago
Text
.
1 note · View note
angelmush · 4 days ago
Text
Tumblr media Tumblr media
magenta smoothie 4 breakfast, vibrant vase of tulips 4 my gf, black dragon dog 4 sharing the couch with, and a big stack of notebooks 4 writing
97 notes · View notes
ourladyoftheflytrap · 16 days ago
Text
My mom always complaining about how I never spend time with her.... ma'am the last time we had a serious conversation you told me you thought i was making traumatic memories of my childhood up just to demonize you
#i straight up asked her ''do you really think im a liar? do you think you raised me to be a liar?'' and she said ''yeah i guess so'' 😭#literally would rather live in fantasy land than have a conversation where she takes accountability for hurting me#its always bc she had a hard life and couldve made mine harder and everything im upset about is because of a man#aint no man tried to drag me by my hair out of the room because i refused to stop talking about how uncomfortable i was with a violent man#moving in! nuh uh girl that was YOU. and aint no man busted down my door on multiple occasions to beat my ass for#*checks notes* not wanting to continue an emotional conversation after i had already started crying and wasnt able to communicate#no sir that was YOU. that was all you and aint no man was even in the house during those times#and definitely no man ever told me that i was manipulating you and being selfish for telling you that letting a man move back in after he#broke into our house and attacked you made me feel unsafe and made my life worse.#no man brought up how traumatizing ur childhood was and then threatened to send me to live with ur rapist daddy#when i said id like to spend the summer with my dad if my only alternative was living with you and a man who threw knives at your head#and tried to strangle you several times#no man fucking did those things to me. no man ever told me i wasnt allowed to be traumatized by his violent behavior bc he had it worse as a#kid. YOU said that to me. many times. every time i ever brought up my pain to you. and you still fucking do that#you sprayed windex into your mothers eyes when you were 23 during a fight but if i start yelling after you push me to talk to u#and then insult me when im honest then suddenly its ''i Never acted as bad as you did and my parents were so much worse''#no. i fucking remember girl. i was alive for that. you were a nightmare and your parents deserved it#but you werent always a peach to me and when i talk about that its not an insult its the fucking truth#and i cant come to meet you where youre at because youre no longer in the thick of a traumatic and dangerous situation#you and your man are settled down and u felt safe enough to marry him and you run the house and earn all the money#and you've done a lot of work to heal yourself and be better but that man and i had to meet you were you were at when you were at your worst#in order for you to feel safe and secure enough to start that process. and now this is Not me at my worse#i shielded and protected you from my very worst because i always felt like if you saw your kid coming undone it would hurt you#but if you cant even meet me in the middle now then we cant have the relationship you want. it would be a lie#it would be a lie and it would be a betrayal of myself. bc i cant be honest with you right now#every time i try you take it personally and we get into a fight. so dont act like my distance and privacy#is some sort of slight against you or a punishment. i am trying to keep the peace
5 notes · View notes
jackhammerhim · 14 days ago
Text
Sad to say that I WAS a crazy ex girlfriend. But being crazy isn't what made me a crazy ex girlfriend. Being a GIRLFRIEND made me a crazy ex girlfriend.
3 notes · View notes
nugatorysheep · 6 months ago
Text
Sometimes I think about how, back when the roster was much bigger, me and my old friend group all picked out WTL characters that we thought the others were the most like, and almost universally people thought Druid was the most like me. That probably should've been my first clue that none of them knew a single thing about me, but hindsight is 20/20
I also often think about how, after several days of going through things that had happened to me over the last four or so years, I was told 'You seem like a person who wants to be understood', and it hit me that until then, I had never met someone who ever really got me. Now that I have, I could never settle for less.
#for the record Sven is like two steps away from being my kinsona#like it's almost embarrassing lmao#i think between him and Leo (with his edits over the years) you can find 70-ish percent of what makes up me as a person#idk man I just. People think Im so aggressive and obtuse#and like. yeah when im backed into a corner im not the nicest#but i dont think anyone would be if they're in fight or flight mode and it feels dishonest to judge someone at their most vulnerable#but when im just like.... There and Alive and being my usual nerdy self#which is 99 percent of the time#i am just a Guy in a Room#and people assume the worst of me for it#like damn what about me is so evil and intimidating. please i want to be seen as soft and kind and genuine for once in my life#i wanna be able to express myself without it being seen as an attack or rude or aggressive#it wasnt until recently where i really started noticing this and by extension getting peeved about it#but i've been so mild-mannered and people-pleasing all my life because i was unknowingly compensating for how people view me#and even with all that bending over backwards it never worked anyway because I was still the weirdo at best and the aggressor at worst#And Im *tired* of that. I'm so tired of it.#I cannot in good faith keep trying to be this un-intimidating flower when people are only gonna see thorns regardless#nugget rambles#text.txt#vent tag#I'll go back to regularly scheduled shitposting soon#Also like clarity on Druid: I project some fears and traumas of mine onto him and he means a lot to me#but in terms of personality he is far nicer and resilient than I would ever be under such circumstances#Druid isn't me but he's someone I wish I had in my life when I needed it. He's someone I wish I could be
3 notes · View notes
thedevotionaltour · 2 years ago
Text
had an insane moment tonight where i just got repeatedly shamed by friends multiple times within minutes but it's ok now bc i don't have to see these people until next semester :) the minute you repeatedly make me feel bad within a matter of minutes and after i realize every time i hang out with you i feel bad you get put into the realm of "our friendship has a timer" ^___^ no more of this lol
#it was not like directly aimed at me but every single thing. applied to me :') and you kept going not to rag on comics majors BUT#for the next five minutes. in the worst way possible. and then kept saying how sex bad how heavy content bad. and frankly i am over it!#i was surprised by the friend who mainly did this but the other one has. done this so many times. and im just kind of sick of it.#im sick of feeling bad every time i see you. every single time.#i just think some people must remember. nothing wrong with discomfort. but your discomfort is not the be all end all correct moral opinion.#just doesnt work that way. at all.#vent.txt#also as someone who has an identity extremely important to them that at the end. is so directly tied to sex and pleasure and eroticism#for me personally at least. well. i hate to be in an environment where even the mere concept of sex is constantly shamed.#it makes me feel bad. and ashamed. and gross. and dirty. and like a fucking creep pervert. in all the worst ways#and it really is. genuinely. painful. it is painful to me.#because i am being told i am just wrong for having feelings that i do. and that im gross. and it has taken me a really long time to be ok#with this part of myself. and i still struggle with it constantly despite my ability to be more secure in myself#but i am constantly trying to remind myself. im not gross or disgusting for having wants and desires and needs. and that it's ok#and im not going to let that be taken away from me by people meant to be my friends.#granted yes i could do more to advocate for myself when this happens. but i know it would be a losing battle. so i just dont.#whatever! whatever! im done and im shutting up now!
10 notes · View notes
fortunately-bi · 10 months ago
Text
...... If I went on a hiatus for who knows how long again would y'all hate me....... 👉👈
#i just spent like an hour writing and rewriting a post trying to explain myself amd its just so hard to put into words#im bored here but not in a ew not enough content for the dopamine hit shit#in like a every time i scroll through I dont smile I dont see anything that makes me happy at all i dont get a laugh or anything#its just mindless brain rotting scrolling nothing wasting my time hoping maybe ill see a new artist to follow or something#and every time its nothing#so much nothing taking up so much of my time and space in my life and i already dont have a lot of time to begin with#ive made some awesome friends here ive had lovers from here ive had people who are no longer on this earth from here who ill never forget#i dont think ive really enjoyed anything on here in 7 years#ive left before for a really long time i think like a year or more or something#and i wont be totally unreachable of people message me ill respond but im so sick of this stupid app taking up my life#and all i ever get out of it is getting mad or getting depressed over shit that really is t worth my mental state over#all i ever feel on here is that the world fuckin sucks and theres not even anything here to make hanging around worth it#im not new to this site making me suicidal for an abundance of reasons and im luckily in a spot where i wont actually hurt myself#its just ideation and intrusive thoughts but its a pattern i cant keep ignoring#also im old tumblr im old tumblr and i think i will always be old tumblr im just not catching on to new shit anymore#the fact im even saying anything about a hiatus should show how pld tumblr i am no one does this anymore lol#i just don't want to be here anymore i dont really want to be anywhere online anymore tbh#its always something and i cant mentally keep up with it anymore i have too much going on in my life#my wife is having cancer removed on Tuesday im a lead teacher who has to take care of i think 8 babies now#i have problems i have actual problems that need me and need me to be as there as i can be#i cant be spiraling over stuff online on top of real world problems im in no position to do anything about on top of personal life problems#that are drastically affecting my life at home and hurting my family and loved ones#i have a mass in my thyroid which is so big i choke to the point i stop breathing if I dont have my meds i throw up all day#i have to see a neurologist because at best i have a pinched nerve at worst im having seizures and i might have to move states again#i dont have it in me to come on here and see stuff that makes me upset for the chance i might see something i like#and i can unfollow people and whatever but I dont have the energy or time to sift through people i follow on here#if you want to talk in dms or asks or you want to send me posts pls by all means continue to do so thats fine#but i think i need to take the app out of my line of sight again for a bit and just be in the moment again same with twitter#anyways i love yall i promise i am safe and not in harms way im just stressed af and i have got to start cutting things out that#arent doing anything other then making me miserable
1 note · View note
bamsara · 1 year ago
Note
what are your most favorite tropes? :3c
IM SO GLAD YOU ASKED:
Near death experiences
Emotional revelations due to said near death experiences
Enemies to Friends to Lovers
Mutual Pining but they believe its unrequieted
"you're my worst enemy but you're so important to me"
Drunk chapter where at least One fist fight happens
Bridal carry after someone gets injured
Slow Burn...of course
"i got you this gift because it benefits me and im not telling you how" (the benefit is seeing the other person enjoy the gift)
Force Alliances or Temporary Truces
"I don't like killing but I'll do it for you"
"I prefer to kill my problems but I won't, for you."
Or: "This person has no idea how many people I've killed in order to protect or provide for them and I'm going to keep it that way."
Mean or Villian Character is actaully a really good Sibling/Parent/Child,ect and has someone they care about
Or better, Villian character adopts child AND is a good parent
Everyone knows the pairing likes each other except for the pairing
Temporary (or non-temp)Amnesia
"I learn your favorite things because I plan to use them against you one day" (proceeds to not do that) (proceeds to get them food or items that persons likes just because they like them)
Breaking and Entering. Literally.
Person A is in love, Person B says they're not but they're 10x times worse actaully
Slip-of-the-tongue/Accidental confessions. Doesn't have to be love confessions but just "whoops i was not supposed to say that"
Biting as a love language
One is feral and bloodthirsty but is put in the position of 'protecting an idiot' because the other is also feral and has no self-preservation. Both characters must be badass, just equally stupid
Kiss on the head/cheek while the other person is sleeping
Bloodstained kiss
Heat-of-battle confession about something
Protagonist refusing to become villian or repeat villian mistakes, not in a 'owo i cant do that its bad' and more like 'fuck you you dont get to see what you wanted to make of me'
Signifier of 'this is my friend/family/lover'. Could anything between a ring, a jacket over someone's shoudlers or scent marking, anything
"if im immortal, then you gotta be too or we both dyin"
Knight x Their Charge
Human x Non-Human
Sunshine x Grump
Character that looks sooooo cute. Oh he's a little fucked up actaully
"ahhaha he's such a freak haha. i need him carnally."
They are mortal enemies. They are also best friends.
Hostage / Rescued trope plus Hostage / Doesn't get to rescue because the hostage killed everyone already
Plot info that's missing that's vital to the story and it's revealed that One of the pairing or someone in the group knew the info the entire time
"I said mean things to you because I hate you, so why am I feeling guilty now"
There was only One Bed
Really competent and scary character is really GOOD at a harmless and charming small hobby completely uncharacteristic to their public persona
Nightmares. And then sleeping in the same bed because of nightmares
Cultural differences / Language Barrier
Character gets so surprised flustered they trip over something or break something and it topples and it starts a chain reaction like a cartoon
There are more but these are some of which I can remember off the top of my head. I've written many of these myself in several of my stories and will continue to do so until the end of time, esp my faves
2K notes · View notes
starkeynation · 2 months ago
Text
I love you, I’m sorry
A letter from reader to Rafe
Tumblr media Tumblr media Tumblr media
Content: Angst, like PURE sad, the lamp looks weird, based on the song I love you, I’m sorry by Gracie Abrams (may or may not be accurate)
A/N: about that cliffhanger and happy ending, I changed my mind… also ignore any writing mistakes if there’s any and this was kinda rushed so I hope it still turns out good
Masterlist
dividers from @anitalenia
Tumblr media
Rafe,
It is Saturday night. I should be out doing something, partying or whatever to enjoy myself, yet here i am, pen in hand, finding myself writing to you again. I know this letter will never reach you- it’ll end up crumpled at the bottom of my drawer or burned to ashes. Still, I can’t seem to stop myself.
It has been exactly two august ago since everything fell apart. I remember the way I laid it all out, raw, I wanted to be real, hoping that honesty would mend us. We weren’t perfect. Hell, we were far from it. We fought like fire and gasoline, burning everything we touched. Jealousy leads us to mistrust each other but even then, I didn’t think it would end the way it did. I never thought that fight would be the last..the final, devastating blow before you ghosted me and blocked me everywhere.
I swear it wasn’t my intention to break up with you, I thought by exposing the cracks, we could patch them together. Instead, the truth just ended up pushing you away. When you drove off in your Benz and left me standing at my gate, it felt like everything had stopped. The time, the world, my heart…everything froze. I couldn’t breathe. I wanted to scream, I wanted to stop you, beg you to stay, to tell you that we could still save us but you didn’t look back, and i was too late.
Now, i watch you from a distance as you become successful, helping your dad doing business, running Cameron’s development like you were born to do it. I heard your name whispered in admiration at the club where I work, how you charm people the way you trained for. And you know what? I’m so so proud of you Rafe. I always knew you had it in you. I’ll be rooting for you always, even from the shadows.
Maybe two summers from now we’ll be talking again at some point, exchange smiles, our lives untangled and we’re cool again. I can picture you’ll be in your family’s jet, travelling, and me, on my boat moving on with our own lives. By then, i hope..im actually ready to move on. I know you’ve already moved on- I mean, why wouldn’t you? Still, there’s part of me wish that you wouldn’t yet, and maybe, just maybe, you would take me back.
But that’s just selfish isn’t it? I was selfish when we were together too. I made everything about me, i was inconsiderate, I turn something small into raging battles. I didn’t listen, didn’t see you for who you were. I’m ashamed of the person I was, of the mistakes I made. After everything i did, I’m surprised you haven’t send someone to kill me yet.
Lately I find myself sitting on the porch, watching sunsets like we used to, with a glass of something strong in my hand. I laugh at myself, at the crash I made, because what else can I do? It’s a twisted kind of coping—laughing at my own heartbreak. It doesn’t feel real and it’s really hard to let go but i guess that’s just the way life goes.
I know i was a dick, Rafe. I had too many flaws to count but as sick as it sounds, I loved you first. You’ll always be my first love. You were the best and the worst thing that ever happened to me, a storm that left me shattered but alive. Your love had impact me deeply, it is carved in my soul. No matter where we are, i want you to know that I’ll carry the past and the weight of my mistakes with me. Trust me, it will always, haunt me.
I regret every second for not treating you well, for not being the person you needed. Lastly, i want you to know that I still, truly, deeply, love you, I’m sorry.
*Ding* you heard the bell rings. You rush downstairs to answer the door.
“Pizza delivery”, says the delivery boy standing in front of you. You almost forgot you ordered one, an hour ago. You take your prepaid alfredo chicken pizza and thank him. It was Rafe’s favourite pizza, you’re not sure if it’s still his favourite though. After shutting the door, you walk to your kitchen.
Just two seconds later, *ding* the bell rings again. Did the delivery boy forget anything? You thought.
You open the door, “yes-“ you pause. You couldn’t believe it, standing right in front of you,
“Topper?”
Tumblr media
“Topper what are you doing here?” you ask, your voice laced with confusion.
He then steps aside and reveals a man behind him, lying on the steps of your porch- a man whose silhouette you’d recognize anywhere. “Rafe,” you whisper.
“Shit I’m sorry to bother you but this dumbass got into an accident for driving while he’s high,” Topper blurts out, panickly.
Your brow furrowing and your confusion deepens. You walk closer to Rafe and spot the blood dripping from his head, “Accident? What? Then why do you bring him here instead of the hospital?” You ask, your voice sharp, slicing through the chaos of the moment.
“He won’t let me. He insisted I bring him here to see you,” Topper explains.
“Y/n,” Rafe speaks up, his voice low and strained.
Your heart skips a beat. It’s like the universe has stopped spinning again. This is the first time you hear him calling your name after two whole years.
“Hey Rafe, you’re bleeding,” you say, your voice mix with feelings.
“I’m fine,” he says, giving a soft, disarming smile while trying to sit up.
You instruct Topper to go find some cloth to stop the bleeding. As he dissapears, you sit on your knees facing to Rafe, “Rafe, what happened? Why are you here?” you ask, still have no clue of what’s going on here.
“I wanted to see you,” he replies, putting on that damn smile again, the one that’s always managed to unravel you. “I miss you, y/n.”
Your face goes pale, your eyes widens, the words hang in the hair, heavy and unexpected. “Rafe, you’re drunk,” you accuse, trying to make sense of what’s happening right now.
“No, I’m not, i swear I’m very conscious right now,” he insists, his voice firm. You’re still not sure if he’s telling the truth or not. “I really miss you, y/n,” he continues, his voice low but still clear for you to hear it.
Your heart aches, torn between disbelief and the undeniable pull of his words. “How hard did you hit your head? God, you’re still bleeding. We need to see a doctor,” you say, trying to stand up, but he grabs your hand, pulling you back down.
“Stop it, I’m fine i swear…this is nothing,” he says waving off the concern. Just then, Topper returns with a towel in his hand. He hands the towel to you and says, “dude, are you sure you’re okay? When i saw your car there were smokes everywhere. Looks like you hit that tree pretty hard,” his voice fill with concern.
“I’m fine Top, just go. I need to talk to y/n,” Rafe says with a dismissive wave. Topper hesitates, he looks at you for confirmation as if you’re the one in charge here. You nod at him, signalling an approval, “s’okay Top i can handle this.”
“Okay, just call me if anything happens,” he says. “Thank you,” you mutter softly to Topper as he’s leaving towards his car.
With Topper gone, you shift your focus back to Rafe. You take the towel and start dabbing on the blood on his forehead, “we still need to get this stitched up,” you say. Rafe then grabs your wrist, his grip firm but not forceful, “look at me,” he demands.
You look at him straight in the eyes, drowning in his blue eyes. It’s overwhelming- staring at the man that you love but no longer yours.
“I do mean what i said, i miss you y/n and i wanted to see you,” he says, his tone steady and sure.
“But why now?” You ask, your voice breaking under the weight of the question.
“Sar..Sarah told me tonight that you’ve been writing letters about me. She found them stashed under your bed,” he says, hesitantly.
Your stomach drops and you shake your head in disbelief, “God…i knew it there was something wrong. She was acting so weird when she left this morning,” you mutter.
“So it’s true? You’ve been writing about me?”
Your face is turning red, you’re struggling to find the words. “I- yes…I’ve been writing letters. Pretending like I’m gonna send it to you but i never do,” you stutter.
“Why didn’t you just send them?” He presses, his voice low, almost pleading.
“You know why Rafe…you’ve moved on. You blocked me few months after we broke up. You’re thriving now with your job, you got your whole life together, and I- I was the reason why we broke up. I can’t just crawl my way back into your life like nothing happened,” you shatter, your voice breaking as you’re struggling to control your tears.
Rafe shakes his head. He brushes his thumb over your knuckles and kisses it. “You’re wrong y/n, you’re absolutely wrong. I’ve been doing nothing over the past two years except than trying to forget about you. That’s why I’ve been doing all these jobs, thinking it could distract me, but no,” he shakes his head again. “Nothing could make me stop thinking about you.”
His confession leaves you breathless, your tears streaming down your face as he continues. “About the blocking and disappearing, I’m really sorry, I was a coward. The truth is, that day i came to your house to apologize. Then, as I stood outside, i saw you were laughing with jj through your window. I knew you guys were not together cause after jj left, I may or may not have confronted him…” he then mouthed sorry. “But then, I remember the way you looked so happy when you’re with him. At that time, I knew I had to let you go cause you deserve someone better and you deserve to be happy so that’s why I blocked you..as if that makes any difference.”
You idiot,” you scoff. “I never wanted anyone else, only you Rafe, only you. You’re the only one who could truly make me happy.”
His eyes glisten, his smile soft and hesitant. “Please forgive me y/n, I swear I’m a better person now and I love- I love you, so much. I still do.”
You reach up, caress his cheek and pull him in for a kiss. “I love you too Rafe,” you whisper. He cups your face and returns the kiss. The kiss is passionate, slow and tender. His lip is so soft and only god knows how much you miss this. The world fades around you, leaving only the two of you, two broken pieces finding their way back to each other.
You pull away from his face and let out a giggle. “Why are you laughing?” He asks, can’t help but let out a soft giggle too.
“Before you came I was actually writing another letter for you,” you admit, a shy smile appears on your face.
“Oh really? Tell me about it baby,” he smirks. Your smile widens at the sound of the nickname that rolls out from his mouth. “Mm I miss that. You, calling me baby. Anyways, it’s in my room, wanna come in?” You ask.
He shakes his head, pulling you closer as he leans back against the stairs railing. “Hmm in a bit sweetheart, you can tell me here while we stargaze. I missed your porch- and mostly you, of course,” he replies with a faint smile.
So you do. You talk to him about the letter while your head rest on his shoulder and your fingers intertwined. “Lastly I wrote, I love you, I’m sorry,” you say, explaining the last content of the letter. But then, you realise he has gone quiet. His stillness unsettling. You glance up to him, “Rafe?” He’s not responding. You check his pulse but there is none. Panic sets in as you shake him, calling his name.
“Rafe”
“Rafe, wake up”
“Wake up!”
“Wake up!”
“Y/n”
“Y/n”
“Y/n, wake up”
You gasp, your heart is pounding like a drum. You’re sweating all over your body as reality crashes down. It was a nightmare.
“Hey..baby you okay?” You turn your head to your right and realise it’s Rafe. He’s okay, he’s alive and he’s sitting on the bed next to you. Relief floods through you like a tidal wave.
“Is it the nightmare again?” He asks. You nod, signalling him that he’s right.
“It’s okay baby I got you. Here, come back to sleep,” he says, gently pulling you into his arms. You smile and cuddle him, clinging to the illusion of safety his embrace provides. You close your eyes again trying to fall back to sleep till your alarm suddenly rings.
You wake up with a tear running down your cheek. You hit the snooze button and realise that was a dream and this time, it’s the true reality. You look to the other side of your bed, it’s empty. It always has been for quite a while now. The truth is, that night after Rafe collapsed, you called for an ambulance. On the way to the hospital, they try everything to make his heart beat again, but nothing works. It was too late. He had lost too many blood before that you weren’t aware of and that same night, Rafe had died in your arms.
It’s been 3 years since the tragic. You keep having the same dream almost every night. Part of you is grateful that you and Rafe had ended in good terms but another part of you knows that the truth is you’ll never get the chance to redeem yourself and be a better partner. There’s nothing remaining other than the memories that will haunt you forever.
Rafe, if you’re hearing this, I love you, I’m sorry.
Like and reblog if you want to kys after reading this😇☺️
281 notes · View notes
thewickwheat · 24 days ago
Text
Tumblr media
I'm going to a post full details under the cut, but a short run down:
I've sort of vaguely mentioned this here and there but this year I'm forcing myself to go on a long hiatus. Its been something in the plans for years now, but I can't put it off any longer because 2024 was the worst wrist pain I've dealt with and I don't want to risk permanently damaging myself if I haven't already.
If you're waiting on a comm, don't worry! My hiatus won't officially start until I've finished them all up (estimating April-May to finish up everything), so just bare with me!
Character Sheet comms are staying open
If you're able and willing to support me during this break, please check out my shops or my Patreon!
Ko-Fi - Physical/Digital Merch + Donations
INPRNT - Physical Prints
Patreon - Process Videos and WiPs
Full details and extra info under the cut
So this has been a long time coming but this year I’ll be taking a long hiatus. This is something I’ve wanted to do for years but I can’t put it off any longer due to how bad my wrist pain was in 2024. I’m feeling incredibly burnt out as well and my turn around times growing longer and longer is a very clear sign of it. It also means I’ve had a growing anxiety that if I continue at this pace I will end up doing permanent damage to my body, if I haven’t already. Creating art is the one thing I know I want to do for the rest of my life, be that drawing for myself or helping other people see their visions come to life, and I don’t want to put that at risk.  
So I can’t put my hiatus off any longer and I’m making this year the start. If you are still waiting on a commission from me, don’t worry! I am going to keep working on them and my official hiatus time won’t start until everything has been finished up. I’m estimating April to May to get everything cleared off the table since I’m going to work at a steady pace. Character sheet commissions are going to remain open, they are not in high demand and I can put them in a queue and so should anyone have interest in one during my hiatus, it could be something I pick up when I need the extra cash. However all other types of commissions are going to be unavailable for the foreseeable future. 
I am aiming for a 6 month long hiatus at the least. If I can go longer I will aim for a full year break. Freelance and commission work has been my main source of income for over 10 years now, so during this time I may also look into getting a part time job so I don't have to rely so heavily on art, which will also affect how much I’ll be able to take on in the future. I’m not quitting art during this hiatus, I do want to keep drawing and creating! But I will be working at a slower pace, creating for myself, experimenting and trying other projects. I also have more merch ideas on the list to work on! I’ve got some plush designs I want to have made,namely a new Zenos plush that will have doll fiber hair that can be brushed and styled.
Tumblr media
I will also design more tag style keychains with more XIV characters (like the Scions and other major NPCs), since people have really liked those a lot! I’ll also plan out some other ideas and maybe design some original design plushies or other merch. We’ll see!
If anyone enjoys my work and wants to help support me during my hiatus, please check out my available merch. I have prints on INPRNT, and a variety of items on Ko-Fi (limited prints, artbooks both physical and digital, keychains, stickers, etc.), I also have a patreon where I post process videos of illustrations. You can also drop donations of my Ko-Fi. I will be adding a goal that I’ll set at a high amount I don't expect to reach, just because I personally want a visual of donations or purchases during my break. Even small donations would mean a lot. If only 10% of my followers on twitter or tumblr bought a single Ko-Fi donation, it would be a substantial amount of money. I say this not to guilt folks into donating, but to point out small donations can still have a lot of power. And so I appreciate any support at all!
Thank you so much if you read this entire message. It means a lot to me and I hope a good long break means when I’m  able to get back to commission and freelance I’ll approach them with much more vigor and skill!
327 notes · View notes
astonmartinii · 2 years ago
Text
big girls do(n't) cry | charles leclerc social media au
pairing: reader x charles leclerc
charles' gf just can't seem to catch a break
yourinstagram
Tumblr media Tumblr media
liked by charles_leclerc, maxverstappen1 and 201,876 others
yourinstagram: weekend breaking with the girlypops
view all 17,546 comments
leclercbaby: so charles is racing in miami and y/n is out spending his money with her friends?
ynandcharles: you know she has a job right? and a life outside of charles?
charlesdefender: let's not pretend her little writing gig covers all of this shit
charles_leclerc: lovely lady
yourinstagram: why thank you my dashing gentleman
ferrarigirl16: imagine dating an elite athlete and smoking? it's so gross charles needs to drop her asap
charles_leclerc
Tumblr media Tumblr media
liked by yourusername, pierregasly and 612,088 others
charles_leclerc: friday feeling in monaco 🇲🇨
view all comments
babygirlpierre NO Y/N ??? DON'T GET ME EXCITED
holacarlos55 do you people not have jobs or ?
yourusername what do they put in the water in monaco woooooof
charles_leclerc says the tall glass of water herself
justleclercthings let's not pretend that her missing his home gp isn't a HUGE deal omg
lordperceval i usually don't care about wag drama but like ... we all know y/n is the worst wag, right? she hardly comes to races, is always spending his money with her friends and is smoking as if he doesn't need to be in top condition?
likedbypierregasly you might have a point
Tumblr media
yourusername
Tumblr media Tumblr media Tumblr media
liked by yourbff, landonorris and 231,887 others
tagged: charles_leclerc, yourbff1, yourbff2, yourbff3
yourusername: you didn't think i'd forgotten about monaco, did you?
view all comments
cl16x mother back to mothering as she should
charlesstan okay well some of y'all are real quiet now
charles_leclerc wouldn't be a monaco race without you (and your stray cats)
yourbff since we're staying at your house i'll keep what i wanted to say to myself
yourbff2 meow bitch
yourusername don't pretend you don't love us
peargasly why can't she go anywhere without her friends it's so weird
pierregaslight because she obviously has no friends in the paddock any time the camera goes to the ferrari garage no one is ever with her
grussy63 she seems super annoying idk what charles sees in her
Tumblr media
f1wagsupdates
Tumblr media Tumblr media
liked by gatekeepgaslightgirlboss, babyricc3 and 1,276 others
tagged: yourusername
f1wagsupdates: y/n y/ln at the release party for her new book sharp objects! this is her third book and it's already a new york times best seller, so happy for her
view all comments
howdyricciardo so everyone who gets on her ass when she can't go to races but where's the same energy for charles now - we all know they have the week off cause he's on holiday with pierre.
landonowins it's such a double standard
number16 i still think she's bad for charles her actually doing her job won't change my mind
charlesbaby can't wait for the day when she won't be on this page anymore
perceval16 these comments ... they're on every post i really think charles needs to say something at this point, he's just hanging y/n out to dry
yourusername added to their story
Tumblr media
[caption: lonesome love. i am bored by his heroism, virtue, and honour. i think the best these men can do is not talk about themselves anymore]
Tumblr media
yourbff
Tumblr media Tumblr media
liked by yourusername, oscarpiastri and 4,198 others
tagged: yourusername
yourbff: since no one else will, LISTEN UP SLUTS!!! this girl is the most talented and kind-hearted girl in the whole entire world. ANYONE would be lucky to be with her, so it honestly BAFFLES my mind that those blessed enough to be with her are so silent when his so-called fans rip a person they do not know apart on social media. i say this sincerely GET A LIFE!!! also she's the sexiest girl in the world and could have literally anyone she wants so PICK UP THE SLACK OR we'll activate operation hot girl summer - YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED !!!
view all comments
yourbff1 @charles_leclerc
yourbff2 @charles_leclerc
yourbff3 @charles_leclerc
yourusername i love you all so much - platonic soulmates for real
danielricciardo @charles_leclerc
charlieleclerc oh wow charles just got humbled
Tumblr media
charles_leclerc
Tumblr media Tumblr media
liked by carlossainz55, maxverstappen1 and 1,087,556 others
tagged: yourusername
charles_leclerc: i've not been the best of boyfriends in recent weeks, so it is time i say my piece. y/n is the most talented, patient and beautiful individual i have ever met and i won't stand for her being attacked on social media by my "fans". you are not a fan of mine if you attack my girlfriend. i love her and nothing an anonymous comment can say will ever change that. you attack her for not "supporting" me enough and yet none of you know anything from behind the scenes (not that you should need to), if anything i have been the unsupportive one. i love y/n so so much and i will do anything to make sure she knows it. please stay out of our business.
comments disabled on this post.
yourusername
Tumblr media Tumblr media Tumblr media
liked by yourbff, charles_leclerc and 101,775 others
tagged: charles_leclerc
yourusername: he's mine. cry more.
view all comments
lilacleclerc i love them so much PARENTS
danielricciardo WHOOP TELL EM'
charles_leclerc love you too baby
yourusername i love you more
landonorris mic drop
myloveleclerc finally !!!
dutchlion i'm so glad he finally said something - and also me if i were a wag CRY MORE
note: bit of a random one but alas i hope y'all enjoy
4K notes · View notes
whitlovealways8 · 8 months ago
Text
Astro Observations #1
I am not a professional astrologer but I have been studying for some years and have made some accurate world predictions; as well as, predictions for myself and loved ones.
Why do capricorn placements have anger issues? Especially Capricorn suns born in January. I can't begin to count how many I have encountered.
Libra suns are so indecisive and passive aggressive!
Cancer children love their mamas. It's a shame for those who do not have good relationships with their mom.
8H placements are as intense as having scorpio placements outside of the 8h imo. So many transformations, it feels endless.
12H moons hide their emotions well until they are under the influence of alcohol.
Moon-Mars synastry is so intense, that you want to have children with that person. Some do.
11H placements were really meant to be seen in this world.
8h suns Idk how you do it. But allow yourself one birthday where you enjoy it to the fullest without being triggered and crying.
Gemini placements are a wealth of knowledge. They really just want someone to share their little fun facts with. People who are intimidated intelligence wise tend to try to humble them or resent them for this.
Aquarius placements can be a bit selfabsorbed. But their ruler is Saturn so they get karma back quickly. And sometimes harshly.
Aries placements can be a bit extra at times. I get it their Martian, pero Scorpio placements do not act like that.
6H people really do love animals and being of service. Its also a great synastry when its reciprocated.
The theme of your upcoming SR chart really does match the natal house of that sign.
Pisces Rising may have moved a lot due to their gemini 4h.
Mars in the 3h or mercury rx in 3h is the worst time to buy a car. Investment will be wasted.
Venus rx esp in 7h or 5h in solar return chart brings back a relationship with an ex.
Tumblr media
Are you still reading??? GREAT 🥰😊
Moon transiting your 8h or scorpio moon transits really does bring intense, eye opening dreams. Don't believe me. Track your dreams during scorpio moon each month.
Look to common themes across your SR chart, Lunar return chart and transits to your natal chart for the year. Eg. If your SR chart rising is your natal chart 4h and your lunar return has a 4h stellium, big changes on the home front.
Uranus transiting 4h in SR or Natally can bring big changes on the home front too
I hope you enjoyed. If you have any questions ask down below. I'll be doing more of these.
517 notes · View notes
teaboot · 11 months ago
Note
you have some really evil, selfish and toxic ideas irt whos allowed to have friends, you know? i see pop psy people like you all the time making lists of things that are clear and obvious trauma induced behaviour, and then immediately flip to how if you have a friend who ever behaves like this they are evil and need to be cut off, theyre not allowed to have support systems to get better! you really hate bad victims, huh? if someone isn't demure and cowering and self effacing in their symptoms they don't deserve anyone? i got assaulted and when my friend group threw me out on my ass and called me too fucked up for acting erratic and strange in the aftermath and being unable to communicate why they used your posts to justify it. its sick that people like you will look at someone uncontrollably acting out their ptsd and go wow you aren't doing this nice enough to be tolerated! people like you talk so much about compassion but when it comes to people in actual crisis you don't give a shit. no, theyre acting too problematic. just cut them off! no one should help their friends!
original post
Please allow me to take this opportunity to make some things clear.
First, you do not know me. You do not know anything about me. You do not know where I've been, where I'm going, or where I am. All that you believe that you know is extrapolated from information I have volunteered to share. Information that is, by clear and honest choice, edited for both safety and personal security. Remember this.
Second, and I say this in the kindest of ways, because I have had to learn this lesson myself:
Nobody Owes You Shit.
Have you ever saved someone from drowning?
I have.
Do you know that a drowning person struggling to get air will instinctively drag you under them?
It's hard to save people in the water. It takes specific skills and knowledge that not everybody has. Not everyone can save a drowning person without drowning in the process.
The lifeguard needs energy, and strength, and expertise, and persistence.
The swimmer needs self-restraint, and composure, and the desire to be helped, and the ability to do what they can to facilitate their own rescue.
I believe in kindness, and generosity, and compassion. I believe in trying persistently, and in giving the benefit of the doubt wherever possible. I believe that people are good, and small, and trying. And I believe that I can give all the energy I have inside of me to help someone and still come up short.
So you're drowning? I'm sorry. That must be terrifying. That must be miserable. You must be experiencing the worst moments of your life. I hope someone nearby knows how to help you. I hope they have a raft you can climb into, or a rope for you to grab, or a float you can cling to. I hope things get better. I'll call for help, and give you what I can to get you to shore.
But don't you dare drag me under water and curse me for saving myself.
Now get out of my fucking inbox.
560 notes · View notes
notmorbid · 3 months ago
Text
all-night pharmacy.
dialogue prompts from all-night pharmacy by ruth madievsky.
you're so alive, it's scary.
being a person doesn't come naturally for me.
what's the deal with this place?
you are my best and my worst friend.
are we horrible people?
i like the idea of having someone to come home to.
i can't tell if you're being cruel or if you're just dumb.
these aren't the decisions of a well-adjusted person.
the less you know about my life, the better.
everyone here is a liar and a cheat.
you deserve to have a life of your own.
a person can't be held responsible for what they don't know.
all relationships are transactional.
no one should have that much power over you.
it isn't too late to come back.
you're uninvited from my birthday party.
i love you, but you're such a cunt.
who do you think you are?
forced intimacy makes me lightheaded.
i know you're in there. let me in.
jesus. why do you have a knife?
what happened last night?
it was less embarrassing to pretend i didn't care.
maybe i'm not the mothering type.
i wish i could carry some of this pain for you.
i need a break from feeling so much all the time.
sometimes i can't tell if i'm asleep or awake.
whatever's going on, we'll figure it out.
i don't know what's wrong with me. i'm scared all the time.
this is the most i can imagine for myself.
if you're not asking yourself 'am i ruining my life?' at least once a day, you're not living at all.
you act like you're over it, but it's okay if you're not.
all my life, i've felt like a dead animal with its skin still on.
it's a virtue to rid yourself of anything that doesn't serve you.
i've never had a day of rest in my life.
i chase after you like a dog, leaving pieces of myself behind, and every time, you act like that's how it's supposed to be.
you don't take me seriously. i'm not a real person to you.
i can't play house anymore.
never say that name in front of me.
to you, other people are always the problem.
you can't reach a mutual understanding without spilling blood.
want to make fifty bucks?
the only way to really see a person is to lose everything you have in common.
you don't think we'll get caught?
our loyalty is to story, not reality.
just don't do anything that could result in a lawsuit or a tmz article, and you're fine.
i don't have the energy to keep up with your antics.
our most beloved delusion was that lying to each other was a kind of love.
speaking our fears aloud won't save us.
one day, the mask slipped. i haven't been able to wear it since.
i try not to think about my life at all.
a junkie can spot another junkie without a flashlight.
your voice reminds me of wool sweaters.
boundaries? i don't know her.
i'm just sick of doing the same goddamn thing every day.
you are obsessed with a projection that will never love you back.
think of me as a spiritually connected friend.
i know liars. you don't strike me as one.
you have iconically poor judgment.
has anyone ever told you about your past lives?
you're capable of tolerating a lot. frankly, more than you should.
friendship can be a slow burn. you don't have to consume it like a drink at last call.
i'll give you a clue. i work for myself.
you make me want to feel things again.
criticism is still a cousin of attention.
you don't have to pretend to like something just because i made it.
i know you crave being told what to do.
you don't have to settle for being a person things happen to.
you have desires. act on them.
bitch, does this look like an intro to philosophy seminar?
i thought i had quit you.
my favorite. how did you know?
i feel like my organs are cannibalizing each other.
how did i get here? that's not a rhetorical question. i'm actually asking.
i can't tell if i believe it, or if i'm making excuses for myself.
sometimes i wonder if it's healthy how much meaning you see in things.
you're always waiting for the universe to hurt you or to love you. usually in that order.
that's how it was in my family. reading the room was a survival skill.
where will all the animals go in the rapture?
a bunch of fuckups under one roof doesn't constitute a family.
my little saint.
time passes more slowly as a sober person.
you'd better not pull away from me now.
there's a russian proverb that goes, 'so much is ruined by saying it aloud'.
you wear your emotions like a name tag.
your resting face frightens me.
how are you both the most innocent and the most experienced person i've ever met?
i need you to just be here with me.
our dead deserve to see you happy.
i like the idea of being marked by you.
i don't know what i saw, but it was more than i wanted.
i know what i saw.
i can't tell which of the memories are real, if any.
i can't believe you're mine.
nobody warned me how terrifying it is to get what you want.
you're cute when you're freaked out.
sex is supposed to be unsettling.
there are things i need to atone for.
you can't go back like it's nothing.
i won't live in service of my dead's vision for me.
___ was a real person. a murder isn't a metaphor.
count five things you can see. four things you can touch. three things you can hear. two things you can smell. one thing you can taste.
banish one god, and you'll end up worshiping another.
i want to be with you, but i don't want to keep feeling like this.
you know everything about me, but you won't let me know you.
you aren't someone i can keep at a distance.
i've been reading about intergenerational curses.
resisting something isn't the same as not wanting it.
anything you say stays between us.
i can't decide if i like you.
most people only possess a third of the empathy they think they have.
will it get easier?
hope is a tricky thing: losing it is bad, but so is having too much.
i don't want the future to come. i have a bad feeling about it.
in cartoons, you don't start falling until you look down.
why are you here? where have you been?
how did you know i'd come looking for you?
you never asked what i was going through. you didn't want to know.
i didn't have the language for what was happening to me.
you were supposed to protect me.
there's a lot i don't remember. a lot i don't want to remember.
i wouldn't have looked for me, either.
we belong to ourselves now.
you know where i am, and i know where you are. maybe that's enough.
when i'm down, vigilante justice makes me feel better.
survival is provisional.
162 notes · View notes