#but then it feels like im putting barely anything there and they feel like nothing. but no matter what it always feels embarrassing. LMAOO
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hiiii :> im new here. I’ve never sent anything like this, or anything at all honestly because I get really shy:( I love your writing hehehe it’s very 😳 im sorry to be upfront 😖 but could I request some yunho.. thoughts? AHHHHH im too shy to say it omg🥲🥲🥲 hishandsandhimjusthimbeingadomiwanthimtodestroymeomg. I read your unholy thought of the day for yunho on the fourth, and 😵💫😵💫 I can’t seem to get him out of my head. M SORRYYY i sound so needy it’s embarrassing.
Your wishes are my commands, my sweet bunnies. If you want more unholy thoughts with Yunho, here you go.
Unholy thoughts of the day, my bunnies: Sometimes Yunho just wants to be a good boy for you and let you use him like a toy. Or Yunho wants to return the favour and warm your pussy with his mouth while you're chatting carelessly on the phone.
You made yourself comfortable on the bed with your legs bent and spread wide apart as you continued to talk to your best friend on the phone, discussing your trip to Jeju together next month. Yunho was lying on his stomach between your legs, mooing softly and contentedly as he pressed his handsome face against your pussy. In this position, you could easily see his plump, bare buttocks peeking seductively out from under the edge of his oversized, homely t-shirt.
As he began to wriggle slightly, trying to find a more comfortable position, you could catch a glimpse of his thick, large cock with its swollen veins and black vibrating ring at the base. The swollen head was red and shiny from the copious amounts of pre-cum that had leaked out, and you unconsciously licked your lips, thinking how good it would taste when you finally took his cock in your mouth. It was strange, and you know many would consider you a pervert, but sometimes you just wanted to suck his cock and heavy testicles like a favourite pacifier, not for sexual pleasure but just for comfort. Just like Yunho liked to keep his fingers deep inside you, feeling your slippery, warm walls clinging greedily around them. You were a dirty couple; sue you for that.
He purrs softly, drawing your attention back to him, and you stroke his hair as that moist, soft mouth completely surrounds your tiny pussy, providing warmth, and you can feel the faintest hint of his tongue pressing against your tender folds and labia, but nothing more. You've only recently started practicing pussywarming with him, and you have to say it's been an exciting experience. You loved warming Yunho's huge, delicious cock in your tight cunt, but your gorgeous boyfriend thought it only fair to return the favour and warm his sweet girl with his mouth while you went about your routine business.
You weren't surprised at all by his desire, Yunho loved to eat pussy and he was amazing at it, you loved how messy and sloppy a eater he was, always greedy and slobbering licking your cunt and pulling as many orgasms out of you as he could before you begged him to stop, although even that wasn't much of a reason for him to stop swirling his tongue around your tiny hole. You also practiced 'free use' by refusing to wear any underwear at home and sometimes outside.
You were so excited to try something new and please your boyfriend, but damn if anyone told you it was going to be as easy as it seemed.
At first it was an unbearable pleasure, almost on the verge of pain, when Yunho had to restrain himself with all his might from licking you like crazy and sucking your cute clit into his insatiable mouth, wrapping his lips around it, and sipping it every now and then. But the more you did it, the easier it became, and now Yunho was warming your pussycat with his mouth like a champion. Spend hours between your legs while you were doing your usual things. You don't want your friend to hear your next words, so you put your phone away.
"You look so sweet, baby." You pull his hair harder, and he looks up at you with his huge eyes clouded with pleasure, carefully dipping the tip of his tongue into your slit. "You make me feel so good, Yuyu."
He lets out a low moan at your praise, bobbing his head up and down a little as if you were riding on his face to heighten pleasure, and your thighs tremble a little at the delicious stimulation. Yunho lifts his hips off the bed and slides his hand underneath to stroke his needy cock. The soft fabric of his shirt slides all the way down the curve of his ass and to his waist, exposing his buttocks, and you bite your bottom lip from the seductive sight.
This also serves as a signal for you to end the conversation quickly and let him fuck your pussy properly.
"Yuri, I'm sorry, but I have to go; Yunho and I have plans for tonight." You smile as you see Yunho's eyes darken and become heavy with sensual anticipation, and he no longer holds back, starting to tickle your clit quickly and jerkily with the tip of his tongue. You almost scream, ignoring your friend and hastily pressing the end call button. "Oh fuck, Yunho."
He finally releases your cunt from his mouth, only to spit into it and immediately smear his drool all over your folds with his tongue.
"Are you going to sit on my face or am I going to fold you in half, princess?" He purrs before wrapping his lips around your clit and tugging. You arch your hips and pull his hair roughly.
"How about 69, baby? I want to taste you too."
#ateez smut#kpop smut#atz smut#ateez hard hours#ateez unholy hours#smut#ateez au#ateez x reader#ateez imagines#yunho smut#jeong yunho smut#ateez hard thoughts
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i cannot even describe to you guys how roier picking that song for qroier completely rewired my brain because it is so so painfully accurate to qroier in that moment
like lets break down the lyrics okay?
“i miss you more than ever and i don’t know what to do. i wake up and i remember you at sunrise. i wait another day to live without you. the mirror doesnt lie, i look so different. i’m missing you.”
already off the top wow. we immediately understand what qroier is feeling and i think the mirror line really hits because obviously he was looking like a fucking mess without cellbit so its all very accurate. also i cannot translate that last line “me haces falta tú” that really conveys the longing and sadness it signifies. its missing someone but in the way of saying like you’re missing them as a part of your life to live or as a piece of you like you’re missing them so you’re struggling to function.
“people come and go its always the same. the rhythm of life seems wrong. it was so different when you were here. yes, it was so different when you were here.”
people come and go reminds me of qroier talking about the eggs and the other islanders. people come and go But you were different. without cellbit everything is just wrong for qroier.
“there is nothing more difficult then living without you. im suffering in the wait of watching you return. the chills of my body ask for you. and i dont know where you are. if you hadn’t left me, i’d be so happy.”
i mean perhaps the most devastating part which isnt surprising as its the chorus which he repeats. i cannot put into words how life changing of a pick this song was for a cubito? for qroier? for mcrp of a queer relationship? THERE IS NOTHING MORE DIFFICULT THEN LIVING WITHOUT YOU? immediately we understand again what qroier is feeling hes very bluntly telling us. thats what makes doied saying he was fine without cellbit even more gut wrenching because cellbit never understood how fucking broken and unfunctional roier was without him. he struggled to fucking live. IM SUFFERING IN THE WAIT OF WATCHING YOU RETURN? every day cellbit was gone for roier it felt like hell. which is devastating cause as we know cellbit was under the perception that roier could finally be happy without him meanwhile roier is barely making it through the day having to take care of a new kid with reminders everywhere of his husband that left him behind. he is anything but happy. THE CHILLS OF MY BODY ASK FOR YOU? screaming. he misses his touch he yearns for his body warmth. do you think when he laid in their bed at the castle it felt as cold as ice? do you think he clung to cellbits side of the bed hoping to feel even just a fraction of the warmth and comfort he felt sleeping by cellbits side months prior? much to think about. AND I DONT KNOW WHERE YOU ARE? he’s again searching for him so desperately we saw the attempts qroier was trying his fucking best cause he made a promise to his husband and it was interrupted sadly. but i think the line of just saying i dont know where you are makes the song and the moment even sadder. all this talk of suffering without a person and you dont even know where they are right now. very accurate for qroier! IF YOU HADNT LEFT ME I’D BE SO HAPPY? no words just no words. you can suffer in agony with me in this one. think about it for a second and cry. no words.
does anyone ever think of spiderbit and how in love qroier was
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dont look at me ive just been like fiending over the titan au for the past . 30 minutes just foaming at the maw about it
also my first anon here yay yay yay! yippee! but anyways onto BUSINESS.
ive mainly just been thinking about titan!megatron being a tiny bit . obsessed????? possessive? over a little human like sorry i just enjoy the difference in culture, language, and size especially TOO much.
something ive mainly been thinking about is just. this little human walking around in this strange, dangerously alien city thats absolutely massive, the buildings a cold steel, but the second they put their hands on anything the warmth from their hands just barely stir the nanites in the titan that makes whatever they touched bloom into a soft blue hue
colored footprints leave behind a trail that fade slowly over time, the blue hues melding into greens and yellows the longer the human lingers in an area as the surrounding area soaks in the warmth
meanwhile megatron has been keeping an eye on the little thing since minute one, shifting things around quietly to keep the human close and most importantly safe, one wrong move and the little guy would go kersplat if he didnt keep an eye on them
so he does, watching the human just taking in the alien cityscape with an awe in their eyes that megatron could barely understand
also something ive always like. not really disliked ?? more like. gotten enough of the “waah im a little human who knows nothing!! ):>” thing, like I KNOW ITS MOST TIMES SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE. A READER INSERT but idk! i just wanna see people flesh out the human more in these kinda things
like what if they were a architect before finding themselves in the depths of the titan? what if they studied everything interesting about the structures inside megatron, said titan watching them with curiosity as they quickly write down something in a notebook that they slowly fill over time the longer they spend inside him
or maybe a linguist! slowly deciphering the little bits of cybertronian that they can find to understand the alien language, over time learning that the walls were almost covered in poetry, maybe making some of their own in inspiration of the titans, maybe megatron would be elated to learn that someone else has the same interest? like i mean the guy is probably extremely lonely, even if its self imposed there would still be some kind of yearning to be understood if you catch my drift??
gahh SORRY FOR THESE THOUGHTS BEING SO JUMBLED i just had to write this stuff down or it’d never leave my head lol BUT I HOPE YOU ENJOY THESE? MAYBE?
Eeeee these are so cool thank you so much for sharing!!!
I love the idea of the human having some background to them. An architect or a linguist or anything, just something that gives them a purpose to be interested rather than just “ooo big alien”. I feel like once Megatron sees the human’s attempts to reach out and communicate, maybe he would try and reach out too.
This tiny creature, smaller than dust, yet he still tries to communicate with them, because of how interested they seem in him too…
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i dont think i have the right to ask this, since i so rarely have the energy to reply, but .. i want my drive to draw art back and this awful depression gone (or at least made less bad..) so desperately that i will bear the shame of asking it anyway, just in the hopes of something getting that spark i had held onto for so long to light back up
though .. im not sure what i want to ask for, i guess .. anything? something you'd like to see me draw, a compliment, a question- whether zelda or oc related, a little totk rant of your own, a picture of your cat, a random fun fact-
#ganondoodles talks#i feel guilty just writing this#i feel like i do so little and ask for so much#too much#and the good ol 'you dont have the right to feel this miserable- theres people literally dying' is back ever so strong#i have barely been looking at anything online#idk why its gotten this bad now of all times#of course this is nothing you are requuired to do#i am not trying to put pressure on anyone#or make anyone feel bad#or responsible for me bad feeling#i just ... want out of this .... and dont seem to be able to do it myself#i am hoping all i need is just a little push to get me over the edge of fighting back again#i know therapy and/or meds would probably be better#but the former is basically impossible to get here- and i got bad experiences with it#and the latter would be a long process of things that cause me so much stress and im afraid it wont make anythign better#.............if our doctor would even be willing to get anything going#maybe this is all just headache sleep depreived wahteever thought sludge#.. im going to bed :U
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pretending
#johan (oc)#ambrus (oc)#original character#original characters#artists on tumblr#digital art#sketch#doodle#my art#oc art#ambran is just:#someone who is so good at completely changing herself to blend in (johan)#vs#someone who had an inescapable part of who he is that he can never be anything but that (ambrus)#this is why they dont work together fundamentally theyre way too different#ambran rant 2#things no one cares about ooogh#a god (johan) who has to appeal to the masses to even be a god in the first place#a necromancer (ambrus) a being that is defined by death and nothing else matters#woahhhh boy#tumblr really gets the juicy details about these guys#i only will ramble like this here i feel like im allowed to be pretentious abt my own characters here lmfao#basically; johan’s outfit is heavily modified to a traditional wedding outfit#while ambrus’s outfit is barely modified#woaghhh symbolism in my oc art ?!??!!?! jk i always put symbolism in my oc art
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🧸♡ ⋆。˚
#it actually does make such a huge difference omg im like ... feels like i got thrown into the floor lost my breath#having someone i like so much to talk to abt things#and share stuff and details abt not only my days but their days too#and talking abt like books that we read or shows/movies we saw and etc etc#sending pics. sending voice messages. all of that#that was so amazing wth???#it sounds like such a mundane thing but it changed my enire baseline. it wasnt a littel thing to me#i didnt share as much as i wanted to because it takes me longer to settle into smth like this#or any kind of connection/correspondence/bond/rapport#im slow bc im so scared of ppl. scared of trusting. scared of opening up. rejection rejection all of that#yeah.. takes me a lot longer than the average person to settle into smth like this#avpd is its own special hell...#i miss it a lot and i wish there hadnt been all the other circumstances so i could've actually relaxed into it#and come out of my shell completely. which i was almost there. now that mental block is gone but it's too late....#i take too long... it is impossible to be patient with me. i really hate everything abt my brain#my desire overtook my fear and it was quicker than it ever has but not enough.. :(#i miss it sm and it made me feel so so much lust for life..#but it's gone now and i can really feel the loss of it#i wouldve done anything i could to save it. or nurture it. or whatever. but it was a sacred treasure to /me/.#it doesnt matter if i try to put out the flames in a burning house if the house is gone and there are actually only the flames left#and since to me it is so special. and like. the fact that this even happened is crazy to me stuff like this feelings and connection never#happen to me. it's like.. special to talk to someone u like & have an established rapport with on a regular basis#and tell them stuff and rant abt like a book or whatever. ask them details abt their life bc u know them and enjoy knowing them#i cant just transfer all of this to someone else. i dont feel like yapping abt the book im reading into the void or someone i barely know#i just dont know... i need that sm and it was so amazing w someone i like sm. & it makes me sad i takes me too long to get fully comfortable#bc of this time were it was the most intense and long lasting for me but also im in love lmao. but other times too...#i take too long and why would someone wanna wait like actually a year (which is how long it often takes me to pass a certain barrier)#im not special. im nothing that great. it is easy to find someone else who is x1000 better than me and wont take an eternity to warm up#i just feel so sad bc i try so hard and then all of my effort just goes down the drain and then i have to do it again if i meet someone#then they'll leave me behind too and get tired of me and not like what they see and then im back at square 1 again
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most fucked up thing about the body's response to not eating is when you're so hungry you feel like you're gonna throw up. this does not make it easier to eat food actually
#literally thanks it did not help#my body sucks so bad at eating#i literally am not hungry until im so hungry i feel sick??#also#even when i remember to eat on a schedule all food makes me queasy i literally cannot win#maybe the so hungry im about to puke thing is just a me problem idk but it is NOT helpful#im also starting a medication that i cant eat anything for two hours before or after that's going to mess up my digestion today 😊#and make me feel awful#but its an alternative to eye surgery so hopefully it will be worth it#but i havent even started it yet and im so queasy just bc i didnt really eat breakfast#its not like i had Nothing i had three bites of cheerios and a coffee....#i would have eaten the cheerios but i was late for an appointment lol#anyway#my digestion sucks and i already cut out gluten and almost all dairy 😤#wtf else is thereee#also somehow magically even tho all food makes me sick and i barely eat regular meals i am putting on weight???#lowkey wondering if im diabetic or something bc this is not normallll
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mmmgh
#salty talks#this one is personal but not in a scary just in a i need to say this shit somewhere way#botw/totk… i do not fucking like th. like gameplay is fun puzzles are cool world is cool but like.#the lackluster story and characters honest to god drag it the fuck down for me#none of the characters are actuslly interesting and ganondorf is the only one i want to see in totk#like i got the master sword. i got it and its like whatever. i know whats up with the light dragon and i dont care#totk is making me start to dislike this version of zelda and idk how to feel abt that#no one feels like. interesting. everyone is either good or evil or a fucking side character with a paper thin life#and totk with its fucking no-nuance go kill ganondorf plot is just. stop making half of the plot take place in the fucking past#i havent really done much story stuff but like. GOD. no one in totk is meant to be morally gray its all so fucking black and white#what happened to having major characters who were morally dubious and were actually fascinating to watch#i dont like that most of the major characters in totk/botw are Good Guys and Nice To Link nobody actually interests me#i was SO excited that the lurelin pirates would be a new group of characters to contend with but no. monsters. fuck#they had a chance to maybe get into the kingdoms more dubious past concerning the sheikah and then made the sheikah barely important#and then made the yiga more of a joke instead of like. doing anything with their interesting past#no fuck you heres some all new shit that has nothing to do with what came before and the same shallow conflict and characters#theyve dipped their toes into morally dubious characters and genuinely fascinating characters and the idea that the kingdom of hyrule isnt#all that and gave more room for drawing your own conclusions and totk just hands over the most black and white experience#im playing to finish the story and finish the game i actively do not care or expect much from these characters#and it just seems like the narrative is going to bend over backwards to put hyrule as the ultimate moral good and any opposition as bad#and all but force you to accept that because it just proves that sentiment correct over and over again and its fucking bland#idk. aomething about the writing of this game fucking frustrates me esp when i think abt how past games were written#imperialist shit aside this game’s story and characters are so fucking. par for the course bland. i dont care beyond ‘oh thata charming’#i dont think about this game’s story. it doesnt make me think it just shoves events and character actions at me and moves on#fuck.#it feels like its just. telling me shit. not giving me much room to really decide for myself. zelda is good ganondorf is bad fuck nuance ig#it seems so fucking scared of being a little bit complex. this is why i say 'i miss linebeck' i miss complicated ideas and characters#just. totk seems like it REALLY wants you to have specific thoughts about these events and characters. doing everything it can to prove#the good guys right and the bad guys wrong and having pretty much no one be in between or like. anything. its all standard
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ah, the ever-more-frequent Urge To Explode My Brain from unending migraines. a migraine that just lasts the day already sucks so bad. whole day is gone in a blur of pain and misery, right ? a migraine that lasts multiple days is sort of like if hell was real and you were in it. time has no meaning, only pain, etc.
months of migraines... with no break or end or effective treatment and also you still have to work and behave like a normal person because you cannot lie in bed for months not paying rent. well id describe it you but ive fucking lost the plot. its gone on so long and its so bad that when the migraine ISN'T at its peaking on the pain scale and making me feel like if i was hit by a truck that would be an improvement, i start to feel like my head is a vestigial organ that has been removed. cant access sensation in my head and it feels literally disconnected from my body. meanwhile the pain is still there (along with the brain fog, vertigo, nausea, etc) but it feels like its happening to somebody else.
#im kind of impressed that i can at this point carry a normal conversation (as good as i ever can. which is bad but irrelevant)#while being in agony and having been in agony for as long as i can remember#usually also with something dislocated just for some extra fun#because what i actually feel like doing 100% of the time is lighting myself on fire and/or screaming forever until i die#however thats the kind of shit that puts you in the psych ward again#so i am. smiling and making small talk while migraine auras wash out my vision and i try not to visibly dry heave#its really really really fucking bad. all the time so fucking bad.#i need to message my neurologist but likelihood of me doing that is low#because 1) the stuff she's put me on has so far done nothing but add intolerable side effects to the hell that i am already existing in#and 2) its fucking hard to do anything. even the bare minimum im not doing. so extra shit is just. not happening#i want to scream.#i am gonna. go for a walk and smoke a cigarette instead and then get really high because at least then i dont really care#the auras are making it really hard to see though. theyre like bleach all over my vision. just this wash of white#hhh.#chronic illness#chronic migraine#and its like. when my knee also gives out and it feels like theres metal in there slicing everything up with each tiny movement#or any of the other one million goddamn things broken in my body#i end up so overwhelmed by pain that i just want to lay on the floor and cry#at which point everyone around me gets mad that im not being productive and im costing them money and im not good enough#like ok kill me then. cheaper for you happier for me. just get a heavy object and go to town i would thank you for it#but i cant even say that because openly expressing suicidality just makes people angrier#im rapidly running out of fucks to give but also i will do anything to avoid returning to the psych ward#literally anything. morals out the window. i dont give a shit.#so its a catch-22.#vent
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#vent#tw vent#i feel like im going to explode#i cant bring myself to do anything so all this energy is just gathering and building up and i feel like im seconds away from exploding#i want human connection so fucking bad but im so fucked up no one would want to compromise a relationship with me#immersed myself in fiction so much i keep dreaming of having relationships that ill never have because most other people just Dont Work That#Way#all my relationships feel so shallow now#ig thats my fault#for never presenting the real version of myself. showing others caricatures and exaggerations of my character so i can be more likeable#ill never feel safe enough around anyone to drop the act. and even if i do ill feel too guilty to stop#ive doomed myself theres no fixing me#theres no motivation to do anything anymore i can barely get myself to lift a finger#hey why didnt anyone tell me just sitting up would be so hard. why didnt anyone tell me just drawing a few strokes would take most of my#energy#if anyone ripped my heart out right now id thank them for putting me out of my misery#theres nothing here. might as well also become nothing#this feeling is awful id prefer being hurt instead#i cant make it go away#someone please just kill me#arc 3am logs
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ohhh fml i was like maybe i cn stya up a bit late after all its weekend tomorrow. no it fucking isnt today was thursday i have work tmrw everything is evil always
#gonna get ready 4 bed ig.. i wanna try n wake up at ermm 545 bc ive been sleeping in far too much and ive barely been brushing my teeth in#the mornings ive mostly just been doing mouthwash#aughhh idk why my body is being so dire today my thighs r doing the incredibly weak and fatigued thing again. i feel like that tweet thats#like im probably nonbinary but i have a job so idc abt that rn but its i probably have some undiagnosed physical disorders but i live in a#garage so idc abt that rn#idk. its been going on for a couple years but its been getting worse to the point i can barely move my legs when it happens#that and then my limbs have been falling asleep very quickly even when theres nothing thyat would like. im not laying on them or anything#ill just be walking or something arms at my sides and one or both will get rly bad pins and needles#and it rly sucks and is weird. but again i live in a fucking garage so it is fr the least of my worries#like rn at my computer typing my arm isnt resting on anything or having any pressure put on it and my hand is falling asleep. UGH#it has been happening a ton with my hands i get this weirxd sensation in my wrist/palm zone that like. idk#its weird and i should prolly get it checked out but i dont have a dr rn and like. worst case scenario i chop my arms off and either surviv#and have a good story or i die and dont have to go to work anymore. so
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That time of the year is approaching once again 🥳
#Compared to last year im probably going to be participating minimally!!! ive got stuff to work on but i might do some attacks as warmups#so ill probs be messy or quick or experimental this time around. :3#probably going to be team vampire for Bitey!!! >:] plus i love the colour red#i still need to touch up my profile and characters a bit but ive got a good few up anyway#also does anyone else ever feel like. idk. its impossible to write a little description for their ocs????#like. i want to give some info and an insight into their personality but i dont want to make people read an essay worth of info#but then it feels like im putting barely anything there and they feel like nothing. but no matter what it always feels embarrassing. LMAOO#😭😭😭#anyway!!!! excited#grafftalk#delete later
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thinking i may have seasonal depression (summer flavor)
#i am. miserable#i cant do anything its too fucking hot!!!#i feel like my apartment is just gonna be a mess until the weather cools down i cant function like this#i know i need to clean. badly. but i cant fucking walk around without sweating. how am i supposed to do more than that??#how am i supposed to do ANYTHING???#im just like. barely doing anything more than sleeping & sitting around all day bc its all i can tolerate#i am so fucking stressed#winter is fine i can put on a hoodie & comfy pants & those fuzzy socks & moving around will warm me up#(also the apartment actually has heating. & i dont even have to pay for it. it does not have ac at all)#summer is like. my fans on high my dehumidifier is running im in nothing but underwear & i feel like im melting into the fucking bed#dont tell me to get an ac i dont have money or room for one#in theory i could probably do a window one. but id have to find a way to also be able to keep the curtains closed#and i cant use it in the living room bc theres no windows only a sliding door#also im waiting for my landlord to replace my window bc it has mold on it but ig its like a weird size so it has to be custom ordered#and also. again. money#also i know the dehumidifier makes the room warmer but i have to run it or it gets to like fucking 70% rh in here
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i love waking up to realizations that my life is in shambles and i have no future
#its quarter to four and im just getting out of bed - once again feels like ive barely slept or rested at all#i have nothing to do. nowhere to go. the one thing im responsible for is my cat which is the only reason im not staying in bed#every effort i make about anything is pointless. every job i apply for rejects me. i cant get into schools. i cant afford online classes#anything im passionate about i cant work with. wrestling doesnt pay here. nobody wants to hire an inexperienced writer#i'd love to do something with games but im too fucking stupid on top of being talentless and not getting education#im just. fucking stuck. i cant do anything or be good enough at anything to make anything work#the one thing i was qualified for didnt hire me. the one school i really wanted into didnt accept me#i have nowhere to go and nothing i can do about anything. i have no skills i can put into use and what i have are not good enough#doing stuff on the hobby level isnt taking me anywhere. i want to like what i do but its increasingly more difficult every day#when its not leading me to anything. personal happiness isnt helping me forward or paying my growing pile of bills#i just.. dont know what to do. where to go. why am i here why am i trying. whats the point when nothing is ever going to work out for me#its all just so pointless#night is an absolute mess on main
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#you know#ive had chronic headaches since i was little#and chronic migraines since i was 13/14#but sometimes it really hits me how much i hate them#like the pain has lonv since become nothing but an annoyance#but the fact that like not medication really truly helps#and what does is basically curling up in bed and hiding away until i can focus or think straight again#sometimes it feels like im missing out in so much and sometimes it feels like they are getting worse#like there are ones i can still function through still think staight enough to focus on life#but the ones were i cant#where i feel like my head is gonna explode#where my thoughts arent straight and i can barely move or i get dizzy#they seem to be getting more and more frequent.......#idk i just feel like having them makes me feel like i have to put my life on pause#except its not paused its just passing by me while im stuck unable to do anything#i also fully believe that scrubbing my brain w/those face wash brushes w/ those little nubs would feel divine and fix my issues#or a lobotomy#though that might be kinda a lobotomy#idk but this shit is tiring#anyway this was all brought on by a headache so bad my jaw and teeth hurt too#and turning almost migraine level for a bit#but made me miss out on spending time with my family#(and Sonic food bc i was nauseous 🥲 lol)#anyway sorry for rambling hope everyone else's Saturday is going better than mine
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#i truely have so much anger built up inside me about my job. ive done a very good job of making it unbearable#and after taking a 10 day vacation. plus 2 days of not working bc im sick. i really dont wanna go back#i was planning to take 3 days to not do fucking anything but my boss just emailed me with some time sensitive#logistical things. so like i guess i gotta fucking do that tomorrow. i started reading the email and it made my head hurt#and she started it off like. hopw ur feeling better and i dont wanna cause stress but...#like bro. listen. if u tell me these things u put them in my head and i csnt stop thinking abt them until theyre done. and its not her#fault bc im the one that put myself in a place where im barely keeping it together. its just frustrating#bc it feels like hope u feel better but also kill urseld 💖 but again thats just how it feels bc im so. idk how to describe it im like in a#state of post burnout. im sitting in the ash. alone in a desolate landscape and its like jesus how tf do i fix this?#and i cant even run out my anger rn bc im sick. and i mean i have the energy to run i dont feel lethargic but like i doubt that would aid#recovery lol. ugh. 2 months. thats all. then i move away. assuming i find a place to live lol. bc i currently haven't yet#but whatever. assuming i get better quickly and dont get worse and dont get covid on top of this cold bc my dad got covid#it will have been a bit of a blessing i came back sick bc i have a clear justification for not working and for telling people to fuck off#when they ask for things from me. like today a lab mate asked if i could sample Monday. which it technically#a holiday but i probably would have said yes if i wasnt sick. and i would have had to teach undergrads some bullshit friday if i wasnt sick#instead i just did nothing all day bc i almost moved bsck my flight and didnt leave home until the weekend anyway#i guess its good i didnt bc then i would have been stuck in ohio bc my dad found out he had covid yesterday#idk its all just frustrating bc im halfway in a transition and im not doing very well but i cant do anything to fix things until i leave#the southwest. like i dont even kno if i have health insurance rn. my benifits change request was processed but like does thst mean it was#approproved? fucking idk. so everytime i do anything i imagine a worstcase scenario where i end up hospitalized and damned to an empty#bank account or eternal medical debt. tho my mum said they passed a law where they arnt allowed to do thst to u anymore 🤷♂️#whatever. im annoyed. i dont wanna work 😫#unrelated
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