#i cant bring myself to do anything so all this energy is just gathering and building up and i feel like im seconds away from exploding

[arc-archernar]

.

[weixuldo]

Enigma// ch 16

anakin x reader

a/n: this chapter is a longer one, i have so many plans for the future of this story and there’s gonna be a looot of angst (hope that’s good w u guys hehe)

You finally tell Anakin the news you had been dreading

warnings: cursing, cannon disabled character, insecurity, mentions of pregnancy, arguments, verbal degradation (not the fun kind), slut shaming, alcohol abuse, relapse, mentions of alcoholism, just heavy chapter all around

_______________________________

“Anakin…I’m pregnant” 

He froze.

If you hadn't spent so much time together, you wouldn’t have even noticed the shift in his demeanor, but you knew him and you knew something was wrong.

“What did you say?” he responded stiffly.

You took another deep breath and repeated.

“I’m pregnant, Anakin”

He stood from the couch, blankly staring at you.

“I don’t know how, I thought you said you didn’t- you couldn’t… “ you started, hoping to alleviate his unsettling aura.

“I cant.” he cut you off.

“I don't know what to do, I’m scared!” you cried.

He was still just standing there.

“Please, Ani-, Please say something!” you begged.

“Get out”

“What?” 

“Get out of my house” he repeated.

“Ani-”

“Don’t fucking call me that”

“Anakin, what- why are y-”

“get the fuck out!” he shouted as he pointed towards the exit. 

“You and I know damn well I can’t have children, so that's just heartless to even bring that up to me.” his face held a viscous scowl as he yelled at you. 

“But It’s true! I’ve been to the clinic, I have the-” you pleaded with him. 

“And it wasn’t me, so who the fuck got you pregnant? You aren’t the fuckin’ virgin Mary, so you have to be fucking someone else?” he spat.

“I swear, I have only been with you Anakin, I’ve only been with you” you cried

“Don’t fuckin lie to me, Y/N!”

“I trusted you...I shared myself with you and this? This is what you do?” he yelled as he began to breathe heavily. 

“I’m not lying” you pleaded with him.

“I don’t wanna hear it”

“I’ll get a test, I-I’ll show you all my messages, I-i’ll do whatever, please, PLEASE! I’m telling the truth- You have to believe me!” you were full on sobbing on his living room floor. 

His breathing was becoming jagged and he stumbled back to reach for his inhaler.

“I don’t have to do shit” he said venomously before grappling with the small device in his hands. 

“Ana-”

After he took a large puff of medicine he shouted for you to leave once more.

“I told you to leave, don’t make me throw you out” he said with such disdain.

Even with his limitations, you knew he was strong enough (and angry enough) to do just that. So, weakly, you gathered yourself from the floor and stumbled out of his apartment onto the sidewalk where you collapsed once more. 

You didn’t know what you expected, but it wasn’t that. You clutched onto your shirt and sobbed, not only were you pregnant, you may have just lost the man you loved.

_____________________

The next few days consisted of you floating in and out of reality as you sat absent-mindedly in your classes. You were only getting one meal a day and spent most of your time cocooned in your bed, facing the standard dorm-beige wall.

You didn’t have the energy or the will to do anything…you could feel depression creeping up on you.

Even if you got rid of it, your relationship with Anakin was basically over. But if you kept it you would be stuck as an undergrad student with a baby… not exactly a great way to start your adulthood. 

Ahsoka stopped by to check up on you after she hadn’t heard from you for three days; she came with your favorite snacks and some other stuff to cheer you up. 

The two of you had a self care night and you told her what had happened over the weekend with Anakin (Of course keeping out the fact that he is the one who knocked you up). You told her how angry he was that you were pregnant and not because you were young, instead he was just mad that you had been in a situation to get pregnant.

“Ash, he threw me out… h-he literally threatened to physically throw me out” you cried as you recounted the traumatizing fight.

The tears spilled over as you struggled to breathe, “I jus-st don’t u-understand why he-” a loud sob cut you off.

Quickly Ash gathered you into her arms and coached your breathing.

“Shh, shh, it’s going to be ok… Let’s breathe, ok?” 

You nodded and sniffled.

“Ok, Deep breath in through your nose… good. Now out through your mouth” 

Once you were calmed down she responded to your news. 

Her older friend’s behavior disgusted her, “Y/N im so sorry. Truly, I have no idea what has gotten into him…He has no right to talk to you that way.”

You thanked her for being there for you and tried to move on with the girls' night, you needed to focus on the small bouts of happiness you could find.

The next day, you went ahead and told Ben and Satine, because they were the last two in the friend group you hadn’t told and it covered up the reason you told Anakin (Instead of letting them know you told him asap because he was the father).

Even though he was a total ass, you still wanted to respect the privacy deal the two of you struck back in the beginning of your relationship. Though honestly, you were starting to not give a fuck about the secret; a part of you wanted everyone to know he got you pregnant and was now being a complete asshole about it. 

Days went by and then weeks where you silently hoped for an apology from Anakin, but you knew it wasn’t coming.

Since the confession, he closed himself off from everyone; he no longer attended dinners, texted in the group chat, and you hadn't even physically seen him since then. 

Everyone still got together for the routine dinners, the only difference was that Anakin was a “no-show”. The four of you discussed his recent absences (of course you knew that it was probably because he hated your guts right now, but that was no reason to cut off everyone else), you all worried that he may be drinking again.

Ben explained back when he was first struggling with drinking, he’d disappear like this for days or even weeks, going on unhealthy and reckless benders. 

The more Ben told you about Anakin’s past patterns, you felt more and more sick to your stomach. What he described was wildly unhealthy and you hated that you could be the catalyst that turned him back down that path. 

At the end of the dinner the four of you agreed that Ahsoka would go over to Anakin’s and confront him; Ben and Satine both had work and they thought it best not to send you, incase he was drinking and became violent (plus you didn't think he’d react well to you showing up at his door).

Also, Ahsoka had lots of experience calling Anakin out on his bullshit- she could stand her ground against him drunk or sober. 

Hopefully the group would finally get some answers out of him. 

_____________________________________

Ahsoka arrived and noticed that all of his blinds were drawn and the mail in his box was piled up. 

She took a deep breath; she could already tell this wasn’t going to be good. 

Anakin hollered an aggressive,  “Who is it?”, when he heard the knock. 

“Snipps. I’m comin’ in Sky guy, alright?” she said as she pushed the door open. 

Anakin squinted as the light from outside shone through the doorway; he was lying on the couch in a shirt and a pair of old army shorts and wasn’t wearing his legs. 

Ahsoka gently closed the door behind her and allowed her eyes to adjust to the dimly lit room. It was a mess; dishes all around, dirty clothes scattered on the floor, TV on, and sadly… bottles…all around. 

He relapsed. 

Everyone knew he had been doing really well about keeping his drinking under control, but there were worries of a relapse when no one had heard from him. 

Anakin glanced over to his friend, “I like the new hair, Snipps”.

Ahsoka had her hair rebraided and added more white and blue a while ago. 

“Thanks, It's not that new though, I got them done like two weeks ago. But you wouldn’t have known that, right?” she passive aggressively said.

His blue eyes glared at her as if to say “what the hell did you just say?”.

“Well hello to you too” he huffed as he brought the bottle of rum in his hand to his lips. 

Beside the couch was Anakin’s wheelchair; he usually avoided using it at all costs.

“I didn’t feel like going through the hassle of puttin’ my legs on” he said when he noticed Ahsoka looking at his chair. 

Ever since he could stand to have his legs on, he always wanted to have them on; he never wanted to feel “helpless” and for some reason he was ashamed of his wheelchair. But the fact that he had it out now was a major concern. He wasn’t doing well. 

“Anakin, where have you been?” she sighed defeatedly.

“Uhh, look around, then tell me what you think?” he shot back at her with a patronizing laugh. 

“That’s not what I mean”

“Then enlighten me, what do you mean?” he was getting defensive and irritated, but she was not leaving until she got to the bottom of his sudden absence. 

“We haven’t seen you in weeks. Ben and Satine are worried, so is y/n, and so am I”

“Why would that bitch be worried about me?” he snapped as he tossed the empty bottle into the trash bin beside the couch.

“I know you aren't talking about y/n right now” Ahsoka became defensive and was starting to lose her patience with the man in front of her. 

“Maybe I am, why the fuck would you care if I was?” he said as he cracked open another bottle.

“I heard how awful you were to her”

“Yea. And who’s to say she didn’t deserve it?” he annoyedly stated, rolling his eyes.

“Why are you so upset that y/n is pregnant?! I mean sure she’s young, but it's her life!” Ahsoka yelled at the half drunk man on the couch.

“You wouldn’t understand, Snipps,” Anakin said, resting his head on one of his gloved hands and taking a swig of rum with the other.

“Maker, sometimes you're such an asshole.” Ahsoka huffed. 

“I am not an asshole, she’s the one who fucked up, ok?” he snapped back

Ahsoka narrowed her gaze and watched angrily as Anakin tilted back his bottle once more. 

“You gotta stop with the drinking Anakin.”

“Add it to the list of shit I gotta fix” he huffed out a laugh.

“You were doing so well-”

“Do you not think that I know that? I fucking know I fucked up my sobriety, you don’t have to remind me!” he yelled.

She sighed, “I just don't understand where your aggression is coming from”

“I’m not being aggressive, I’m treating y/n how she deserves to be treated, like the whore she is.”

Ahsoka stomped up to Anakin and snatched the rum out of his mechanical hand.

“What the fuck Ahsoka!?” he yelled.

“You have no right call her a whore, I don’t fucking know what your problem is Anakin Skywalker, but i’ll be damned if I allow you to talk about y/n that way. After all she’s done for you?’.

The color drained from Anakin’s face and he froze.

“Yea. I know she’s come over here to help you, I know she offered to help you when you had to be in your chair that week, I know she helped you when you fucking fell out of bed cause you were too wasted to get up and go piss!! You will not disrespect her like that!! Do not EVER say that again, do you hear me?! ” Ahsoka barked at the man in front of her.

His eyes widened and he shook his head, “Get out”.

“No, I’m going to find out why you’ve been acting like such a dick”

“I said OUT!” He shouted pointing to the door; not that he could really enforce his wish because he wasn’t coordinated enough to get out of his seat. 

“ANAKIN, I’M TRYING TO HELP YOU! YOU ACT LIKE SHE WAS COMMITTING A DELIBERATE ACT AGAINST YOU WHEN SHE GOT PREGNANT” Ahsoka yelled back.

“SHE WAS” he practically screamed.

“What are you talking about?!”

He staid silent and looked away.

“wait…. Anakin…. Do you- do you have a thing for y/n”

Anakin let out an annoyed laugh and rolled his eyes. 

“Anakin, she has a boyfriend”

“I know”

“Then why are you upset? Is it because she’s with someone else?”

“No” 

“Then what is it?” Ahoska pleaded.

“The doctors said I couldn’t have children”

“I know that Anakin, what does that have to do wi-”

“I'm her boyfriend… well was.”

Ahsoka’s eyes widened, “what…”

“Yea, fuckin surprise. So it is a personal attack on me ‘casue how the fuck did she get pregnant if I cant have kids?” he lamented with a sad smug look.

Ahsoka shook her head, “Anakin, I think you should get your fertility checked again-”.

“Are you serious right now Ahsoka? Do you even hear what you're asking?”

Ahsoka’s face was serious as she spoke, “yes, it has been years since-”

“Do you not remember what happened last time? What happened with P-” his voice began to waver as he remembered the heartbreak of his last relationship, “Padme”.

“I remember, but I know for a fact y/n has not been with anyone else. She loves you. So much Anakin, and honestly I don’t know how she deals with you”. 

“You don’t know that-”

“Yes I fucking do, I was there to see how much your words affected her. I was there to help her breathe when she was choking on her own tears. I saw a girl whose heart had just been shattered. Why would she be that upset if she wasn’t committed to you?”

Anakin’s heart fell.

Fuck.

A wave of guilt washed over him, maybe he was too quick to judge… but the doctors.. They said..

“I-I don't know what to say” he managed.

“You've said plenty, Skywalker.”

“Could you please tell her-”

“No Anakin. I’m done running interference for your fuck-ups” she said as she headed for the exit.

“Ahsoka…” Anakin called, attempting to follow her; in his drunken haze, he must have forgotten he didn't have his legs on. 

She turned as he landed on the floor with a thud. He groaned and he tried to get upright.

Ahsoka was still angry, but she knew he needed help. 

When she sat him up, he was sobbing.

“Fuck. Snipps, I loved her. I-I just felt like- like she- fuck!” he cried.

“You’re drunk, Anakin. I’m going to put you in bed and spend the night on the pull-out, but we’re done talking about this until you sober up and get a test”

He was shaking, but nodding his head “o-ok-ok o-ok” he repeated.

Ahsoka was drained, on one hand she knew why he was like this and as she helped him to bed all she saw was the kind hearted boy she grew up with. She saw how emotionally damaged he was, she knew how hard he had it. But that was no excuse to act the way he did; the other half of her was disgusted by his behavior and the fact that he spoke to you that way. 

She decided that she was making him an appointment tomorrow morning. No excuses.

___________________________________

The ride to the doctor’s office was silent, the only sound was Anakin’s occasional ragged breath from a night of crying. They arrived and Anakin was taken back to an examination room, but not before Ahsoka insisted he ask for a fertility test.

Anakin hated medical facilities, whether it be hospitals, doctors offices, orthotics offices, or the physio center; he had spent almost half his life in those goddamn places. He sat patiently for his examination and was compliant with his doctor's inquiries. 

“Do you have any more questions, Mr. Skywalker?” the doctor asked as he straightened his wiry glasses.

Anakin debated asking such an odd question at the moment, but he wouldn’t have peace of mind unless he asked (plus Ahsoka would kill him if he didn’t). 

“Yea… you know my results said I wouldn’t be able to have kids”

The doctor nodded as he met his patient’s eyes, “yes… are you inquiring about children?”

"Not really, but is it possible that some of me is still…viable?” his face was surely red with embarrassment.

“If you are asking me about the fertility possibilities for your sperm, we have a test for that, but you’d have to make an appointment at our clinic for fertility and It’ll cost a bit extra but we will be able to get the results back to you in a few weeks.”

“Could I-”

“Of course” the man in the white coat said as he promptly left the room.  

Anakin leaned back against the wall and exhaled a large breath. Fuck. Was he really going to do this again?

He could remember the anxiety he felt when going into that clinic for the first time with Padme all those years ago; the fate of his relationship was on the line back then. 

Now, he had ended his relationship with you but deep down he prayed that he would be able to have kids because the possibility of you cheating on him was tearing him apart. He wanted to believe you wouldn’t do that to him, but he wasn’t really counting on his viability– but after years of no activity, why now would they choose to become active?

But also he didn’t know how he would face you if he were viable…how would he make it up to you after treating you like…that?

***

a/n: next chapter comes after this in the theme line then imma do a small time jump to get to another plot point haha- i hope you guys are still enjoying!!

taglist : @dnamht @sxoulohvn @angeelcoree @wtf-andys @httpeachesblog @katsukiswrld @jetiikote @poisonedsultana @imarimon

[jessefandomunited]

Secrets

Spencer Reid X Reader 

You and Spencer were nervous about getting into a relationship so you decide to hide it from the team.

Me and Spencer had been dating in secret for a while now and we liked it that way. We knew how much everyone would tease us if they knew so we kept quiet. We were also both very  nervous about getting things right so we wanted this relationship to be as straight forward , fun and painless as possible. We wanted to be friends first and lovers second and it had been a blast. I think the sneaking around made it a bit more exciting too. I would always smile a bit when someone commented on how happy Reid had been lately. We had always been close at work so our casual debates on the best companion in doctor who and me leaving him random riddles on his desk flew below everyone's radar. None were the wiser, till one day.

“ OMG GUESS WHAT,” Garcia whispered in excitement as I entered into our tech cave. I set my coffee down and asked, “ what what is it?” “ Spencer has a girlfriend,” She almost squealed. My stomach dropped and I stuttered, “ o..oh?” “ YES, so he told Derek he was too busy to go out to dinner with us, well you didn’t know you had probably fallen asleep by the time you got my text if you wanted to go, but while we were there, we saw him in a restaurant with another girl. He was wearing this almost Victorian looking outfit, I've never seen him wear it before and he met this girl who had this long black hair all put up in a bun and this fancy looking dress.” I shook my head trying to look surprised, “ wow I...i never thought this day would come.” I blushed a bit thinking about that night. We liked planning themed nights, for this one I suggested Sherlock as the theme knowing how much he loved the books and I loved the show. Of course I suggested we dressed as Sherlock and Irene Adler. “ You know,” Garcia said cutting into my thoughts, “ I always thought you two would be cute together.” I smiled, “ ehhh we’re buddies, I don’t mind.” “ OMGGGGG I just want to know who she is,” Garcia huffed, “ is she nice is she cool does she make him happy, is she cute?”  I chuckled  ,” well he has seemed to be in a nicer mood that normal.” “ I know but… oh hello Doctor,” Garcia said making me almost fall out of my chair . Spencer stood there looking a bit nervous and blushing, he looked a me and gently tilted his head out the door, “ a moment .” I nodded and whispered to Garcia as I left, “ ill see if I can get anything out of him.” She gave me a sly smile and a thumbs up.

“ We’ve been compromised,” He said when we were out of earshot. I made a big show of straightening my collar in mock superiority ,” excuse me YOU’VE been compromised, Garcia only noticed you .” His eyes narrowed trying to look angry but I saw a slight smile at his lips, “ oh okay you think that you’re more stealthy than me.” “ No! I know I am, I’m the master of disguise,” I said seriously before bursting out laughing, “ we should lay low tonight,  The Good the Bad and the Ugly , my house tonight bring your guns.” I whipped my fingers out of my pockets and fake fired them. He blushed , “ alright.” We quickly hugged and I walked back to the room.

I was setting everything out for movie night when I heard a quick three knocks on my door. I jogged over and opened it to Reid with a bottle of wine and his overnight bag. “ That better have PJ’s in it because I can’t be the only one in them,” I spun around to reveal my doctor who shirt that I stole from him and my plaid pj shorts. “ Don’t worry I did,” He reassured kissing my forehead, “you know I believe I've seen that shirt somewhere before.” I smirked mischievously, “ I cant help what my hand finds when i’m packing my things.” He shook his head fondly and said, “ did you make popcorn?” “ OBVIOUSLY,” I said running into the kitchen to get the popcorn and a couple of wine glasses. I set them on the table as Reid went into my room to change, he was so shy , My phone rang and I picked it up, “ hello.” “ Hey so I have an update on Reid’s mystery girl,” Garcia rambled . “Oh have you,” I said looking out on of my windows. “ YES, so at the restaurant that Reid went to I asked for any reservations for that specific time and I cross checked all the names but one stuck out the name was Irene Adler, can you believe it, they’re using code names, i’m getting so close I can feel it in my bones,” Garcia sighed. I noticed Reid had emerged in a black shirt , Tardis pj pants and his glasses, I put a finger to my lips and smiled knowingly, “ code names wow she must be one smart cookie.” Spencer rolled his eyes and I playfully punched him in the shoulder. “ Yes, i’ll let you know when I get more ,” She said thoughtfully. “ Alright great because I have a bottle of wine with my name on it,” I chuckled. “ Ohhh can I come over,” She begged. My eyes went wide and I bit my lip before saying, “ listen Penelope, you know I love you but remember what I told you about me needing alone time, I don’t get energy from people like you do and these cases have really been wearing me out, but maybe on the weekend okay?”  She sighed loudly, “ fine FINE go enjoy yourself, I will do more digging.” I laughed, “ thank you , see you tomorrow, love you.” “ Yeah yeah,” she said then hung up. “ When did you become so masterful at lying,” Spencer asked as I hopped onto the couch next to him. “ Years of pretending my mom said no when I got invited to parties,” I said with a smile, “ now, do you want to know how cleaver she thinks Dr Reid’s new girlfriend is.” “ Oh I already know,” He said pulling me into a hug, “ I know how cleaver and beautiful and cute she is.” He always did this to make me all flustered. I pressed my face into his shirt so I didn’t have to look at him,” no fair, that’s cheating.”  “ I am just stating facts it is my favorite thing to do, now are we going to watch the movie,” he asked . “ Obviously,” I said gently sitting myself up so I could grab the remote and hit play then I snuggled back into his arms.  

When we started dating he was so nervous, he always was scared of doing the wrong thing, he apologized a lot. Luckily for him I was just as nervous and now look at us! Pros who talk during the entire movie either about random facts or making stupid jokes and have competitions on who can throw more popcorn in their mouth.

We stayed up later than we should have last night, it could have been the wine, it could have been me refusing to let Spencer win against me, but either way we were both at the coffee maker at work. “ Wohh, long night,” Derek asked me. Spencer seemed to naturally look tired all the time so I guess it was more obvious with me. I shrugged, “ I thought wine on a Wednesday was a good idea.” Derek laughed, “ no it is not, so Reid, any update on that girl of yours , when are we going to meet her?” “ Yeah come on,” I chimed in just to see him get a little flustered. He blushed ,grabbed his coffee then just walked out. I shrugged, “ oh well we tried.” Derek sighed, “ I thought you guys were close , you haven't heard anything.” I rolled my eyes, “ you know Spencer, he is a pretty tightly closed book.” He nodded and waved as I walked back to the tech corner. Garcia was typing a bit intensely on her computer. “ Good morning,” I said carefully. She didn’t turn around she simply said, “ I have an update on the mystery girl, it’s in a file on your desk.” I looked over and sure enough there was a case file that said “ Reid’s girlfriend” . I opened up to see my face, I bit my lip, “ how?” “ How, how,” She huffed, “ I decided to track Reid’s phone which is know isn’t necessarily fair but I was curious, and you know what it led to , your apartment complex. So I did some investigating and went to your apartment and I hear two voices in your living room and one sounded oddly like one Doctor Reid.” I sighed, “ we just wanted to make sure it was real before we said anything and Reid didn’t want to be teased by Derek.” “ Well,” She asked. I blushed a little and looked down, “ three months.” “WHAT, HOW how , I don’t understand how you have been keeping this from me for so long,” She gasped, “ I’m enraged you just lied to me!” “ Please it wasn’t anything personal we just didn’t want the extra pressure it’s kind of both of our first real relationship,” I mumbled. “ Noooooo really,” She said shocked. “ Penelope I was in MARCHING BAND in highschool, no one was lining up to date me,” I laughed, “ and in college I was more focused on getting out of college.” She nodded, “ fine….does he make you happy? Is he different outside work?” I smiled, “ I can only give away so many secrets in one day, but yes he makes me very happy hes smart and incredibly handsome, what is there more to ask for.” “ Awww i’m so happy for you two, but mad you hid it, but so happy,” She sighed then hugged me tightly, “ When can I tell everyone.” I rubbed my neck, “ not yet, please.” I knew that wouldn’t last but I wanted to give it a go. “ My lips are so sealed,” Penelope promised. I gave her a side glance then went back to my computer. I texted Spencer, “we have 12 hours of secrecy left Penelope tracked you last night.” “Are you nervous,” he replied. “ A little but , actually meet me in the hall 2 minuets,” I said, I couldn’t text this out.

I leaned on the wall tapping my fingers nervously. “ What is it ,” Spencer asked looking a bit worried. I smiled , “ Spencer I love you, from the moment I joined the BAU, from the moment we became friends, I loved you.” His eyes welled up with tears and his face was bright red , “ I, love you too.” He leaned over and kissed me I wrapped my arms around his neck and then we heard a light cough. We quickly separated and saw Penelope looking sheepish with Hotch, Rossi, Derek , Emily, and JJ all gathered around we were going to say something but they all just smiled, “ congratulations.” We let out a sigh of relief, guess the secrets out.

[iridescentides]

Hi Dia! I just saw your tags on that embarrassment emotion post and sorry if this is strange to ask but could you tell me how you went about not being embarrassed anymore? Because I think I’m embarrassed in my life the majority of the time and I would love to not be, because you’re right it’s not useful, but I’m struggling to think of how to just stop being embarrassed haha. Anyways I think you’re great and so positive and I love all your posts!

hi friend! thanks for coming to me with this question!

its not at all a weird thing to ask, and embarrassment is something lots of people struggle with!

OVERCOMING EMBARRASSMENT: beginners’ tips

so personally for me, the embarrassment thing was part of a bigger process i went through when i was 15 where i worked heavily on developing confidence. i took a step back and looked at my life and realized that all the things i was afraid to do weren’t actually that bad, but i was so scared of looking stupid or being perceived badly that i didn’t try anything. i spent every day for the next 2 years actively pursuing things that made me uncomfortable (especially in social contexts) in an effort to grow and put myself first, and it was the single most important thing i have ever done in my life.

all of this to emphasize that: the best defense against embarrassment is confidence. if you truly value yourself, believe in yourself, support yourself, and forgive yourself for your faults, nothing can hurt you. if you lay the correct framework for confidence, you will become immune to embarrassment.

but!!! i know that’s easier said than done. you don’t just wake up suddenly as a confident person. loving yourself takes conscious, active work, and small steps. it has to be a goal you’re committed to every single day. when i was 15 i read a million self help articles and put into practice all the tiny things that they said. i googled every personal problem you could imagine (“how to feel better about your body,” “how to ask for what you want, etc”). it was uncomfortable at first, but extremely worth it.

(you specifically asked about embarrassment so in an effort to stay on track, we’ll move on from the general idea of confidence. (but if anyone wants like,, a masterpost of my best confidence tips, lmk!))

the number one quick suggestion i have for overcoming embarrassment: treat yourself like you treat other people. when we “other” ourselves, it clouds our judgement. we think the whole world is looking at us all at once, that everyone cares sooo much about what we’re doing, but that’s never true. in acknowledging that everyone on earth is literally the exact same as you (no better or worse), it becomes a lot easier to think about this rationally.

when someone else does something “embarrassing,” how long do you think about it after it happens? if some stranger spills their drink everywhere in public, do you go to bed that night still thinking about it? is it still on your mind the next day? the next week? probably not!

sometimes when our friends or family members do “embarrassing” things, we like to joke about it in the moment, and maybe we bring it up for a good laugh later. if your sibling peed the bed when they were 12, maybe that’s something you’ll bring up again at family gatherings later to jokingly tease them, but its not like its on your mind every second of every day. and it definitely didn’t impact how you see your sibling, or how much you care about them.

so if we can understand why we don’t pay much attention to other peoples embarrassing moments, why cant we apply that same logic to ourselves? if you find yourself feeling embarrassed about something that just happened, stop and ask yourself the following questions:

does this truly matter to the people who saw/heard me do it? (maybe)

will it still matter to them tomorrow, the next day, or the next week? (probably not)

if i saw/heard someone else do the same exact thing, how long afterwards would i still be thinking about it? (probably like 10 minutes max)

if i saw/heard someone else do the same exact thing, would that affect my overall opinion of them? (probably not)

deeply entrenched in the feeling of embarrassment is our fear of harming our own image. we think that other people will see us as weird or dumb because we stumbled over our words that one time, or got someone’s name wrong, or tripped over a crack on the sidewalk, when realistically, these are universal human experiences. once we externalize the personal issues we’re having, acknowledge that everyone in the world has done the same type of thing at some point, it becomes so much easier to forgive ourselves and move on from the moment. don’t be so hard on yourself for being human! that’s what everyone else is, too!

none of the “embarrassing” things you do ultimately affect your value as a person, to yourself or to anyone else. and if people are holding these things over your head or bringing them back up often enough to make you feel bad about them, then that is a reflection of their own insecurities. those people are dying to keep you preoccupied with your own embarrassing moments so that you don’t notice theirs. and those are the people you don’t need in your life!

the last thing i will say (and i touched on it in the tags of that post) is that logically, embarrassment serves no purpose whatsoever. every other emotion we have (happiness, sadness, anger, fear, etc) has some practical function in our lives. when we’re angry, we can express our dissatisfaction to others and cause changed behavior. when we’re afraid, we usually take extra steps to keep ourselves safe. when we express sadness, we let go of things that may be weighing us down. and when we’re happy, we make positive impacts on the world. but embarrassment??? she does nothing for us!

because embarrassment is such an internal experience, the only thing it does is slow us down. there’s no way to express embarrassment and achieve a better outcome. embarrassment, like regret, does nothing but keep us trapped in the moment we would like to forget, for much longer than we wanted to think about it. ultimately, it doesn’t change what has already happened. there is no way to go back in time and undo things! BUT you do have control over yourself and your reaction in the moment, so your energy is better spent trying to move forward productively from that event.

i really hope this helped!!! please know that i’m super passionate about (self help) subjects like this and i’m ALWAYS down to talk or give advice about it!!! my ask/DMs are always open!

[incorrect-ikevamp-quotes]

YO SEBAS’ ROUTE HAS BEEN ANNOUNCED FOR JP I CANT WAIT!!! Do you have any theories of what could happen in his route?!?

Haha, yes, I saw this morning! For those who haven’t yet seen the announcement, it has been said that Sebastian’s route will be coming to the JPN version of Ikevamp on August 25th! It’s very exciting news, and I can’t wait to get started translating after I finish Dazai’s.

Honestly I’m finding this so many degrees of hilarious because I was like “oh ya I’m curious” at first, but after seeing that character introduction video with the lil forehead kiss and the horny as all HELL biting, I’m SLAMMING the horny button holy shit??? (I have that card CG in the JPN ver of the game on my phone and. lord jesus. That scowl. WILL HE STEP ON ME ONEGAI AKIHIKO)

Putting the rest under a cut bc is long and has some JPN ver spoilers:

That being said, let’s address the second part of the ask, shall we? Theories! If I’m honest I’m not surprised Sebastian was next on the docket, but I do admit I’m thoroughly surprised by the CG of him biting MC in earnest--he visibly draws blood on her neck and shoulder. This raises so many questions that are likely to be reiterated endlessly until his rt comes out in full, the most pressing of which is: does Sebastian turn into a vampire? Or is he just really into sadistic foreplay?

If I’m honest I sincerely don’t know if he’s fully turned, only because I’m trying to sort out the information we do have. Why turn into a vampire if the goal is to be with MC, who is also human? If we follow this course of thought, it doesn’t seem to make much sense, does it?

But then our boi Sebas is different in terms of his internalized conflict when compared to the vampires. Granted I may turn out to be wrong about this, but I think the two focal points of his route will be as follows: insecurity and the pursuit of knowledge. Remember that the reason Sebastian (our dearest Akihiko Sato) agrees to Comte’s proposal at all is his insatiable curiosity. I mean just think about it. If Comte told all that stuff about the mansion to someone in modern times, they would probably just figure he was a crazy person and go on with their day. But Sebas, the absolute madlad, agreed; he wanted to see if it was true, and to learn everything he could about people who exhibit extraordinary talent. 

I foresee that this, however, may become a double-edged sword. Curiosity killed the cat, as they say. What I mean to say is that it could be very possible he might turn or undergo something similar to the changing process in order to experience what it’s like firsthand (whether to prove he can handle it or because he wants to understand the residents better/gather info). Furthermore, while Sebastian is curious--with no malicious intent at all--this doesn’t mean that envy is impossible in this kind of scenario, either. Admiration and envy are like two sides of a coin; depending on how one interprets information, they can skew to self-consciousness or inspiration. Given the content I’ve seen for Sebastian so far (and man has it been limited as all heck) I often get the implication that he truly does feel inadequate in some ways compared to the other men. As soon as MC chooses him a kind of overwhelming awareness of his normalcy begins; the implication that he is the wrong or lesser choice. Knowing this, I truly wouldn’t be surprised if problems arise as a result of this self-effacing.

(Note: I don’t think that about Sebastian at all, personally! I think he’s very mindful of others and really astute--to say nothing of his skill when it comes to the domestic sphere. I don’t think just anybody could do what he does, and he sells himself far too short. I always think of how the men call him the Ninja Butler and praise how capable he is, how they freely admit the place wouldn’t be the same without him. Sometimes I wish Sebas could see that, though I understand his concerns as well ;-; I’m always torn bc I’ll be like “I understand but alSO N O”)

Besides those latent insecurities, time to expand more on the pursuit of knowledge. In one way this drive might feed his self-derision; he might believe that the more he is able to do and understand and study, the more he can be of use/help other people. (Put simply his value as a person = the increasing extent of his knowledge in an almost linear relationship; without it he is nothing). On the other hand, I think he just genuinely enjoys collecting information the way he does! He likes assessing all the different ways people behave and why, and how this contributes to how they think and who they are. More insight offers him more ways to preoccupy his endlessly moving mind, but it also offers proximity with the subject in question. This to me is absolutely key--I think so much of his studying the great men is linked to his admiration, his wish to be like them and/or his wish to be close to them.

I’d like to address a quick reference to the drinking event that recently released in the ENG version of the app, if only to expand on/clarify where this is coming from. It essentially featured Sebastian and Napoleon sharing a drink together at a bar and in it, Sebastian speaks to the way that he encountered Napoleon in his life, and the reason why he grew so fond of him. He speaks to a childhood entirely detached from the people of his own time, roving through the shelves of libraries, reading endlessly to fill that void. It was a quote by Napoleon that caught his eye and inspired him, and ostensibly the words of people long past that gave him the strength to keep moving forward. This information, coupled with his strange excitement in Isaac’s rt introduction about how Isaac used to throw hands with people who mocked him seems to bring to the forefront a few things for me. 

Sebastian is highly, highly individualistic: he doesn’t seem to care much about what is conventional or normal, only in what brings him joy and makes others comfortable/happy. His life is highly internal, but I sense no anti-sociality in this removal from societal expectations. He just lives his own way and tries not to trouble anyone. (This is also highly notable in his acute impatience with Dazai’s shenanigans/ineptitudes now and again; while he doesn’t always scold or explode, he shows a sharp and surprising impatience with willful/harmful/irresponsible behavior.) He’s tactful and measured, but highly excitable under the right circumstances. He also doesn’t seem to think much of his own life re: self-derision. Think Leonardo’s rt ending: he insists that the serial killer focus on him and not on MC, he tells her he has no qualms with dying if it means she’ll make it out alive. MC has to be the one to tell him to think more of his own life. As such I wouldn’t put it past him to have enough nerdy reckless energy to test the waters of being a vampire (all the better if it helps him understand the great men).

Comte once said it in an event story a few months ago, but I think he really hit the nail on the head in some respects. He says something to the effect of “His curiosity is admirable, but please Sebastian--some things are to remain private.” Sebastian doesn’t intend to be intrusive or malicious, he just likes knowing things for the sake of knowing. It’s about the cones answering his nerdy desire to piece things together, not stepping on people’s toes. (It’s nice too because Comte seems to understand this and doesn’t see it as a shortcoming/nuisance, he just tries to nudge Sebas in a different direction if he starts prying too close to people’s personal business ;-; pls pardon the Comte love I just can’t help myself)

Enter Johann Georg Faust.

Now then we know very little about the reserved priest doctor, but there are tidbits of information that we can work with (or at the very least, stand out to me a lot). The one I would like to focus on for this explanation is the little blurb that appears when you open the Ikevamp app and it’s loading, providing something like trivia facts for each character. In the ENG app we got those early, but we don’t have the ones for our antagonists. Iirc, Faust’s reads something to the effect of “will often sneak substances into their (as in the castle residents Vlad and Charles’) food to test the effect of his concoctions on vampires.” There have been hints that Faust is to be our mad scientist of sorts; that he is experimenting under Vlad’s orders to find a reliable way to transform a human being into an immortal equivalent to that of a pureblood. But I have mentioned on more than one occasion that I really don’t think Faust is only doing all of this for Vlad. He has his own curiosity that is seeking to be alleviated, perhaps he is satisfied with having another puzzle dumped in his lap--a means to distract himself and exhaust his faculties. 

(One has to wonder if Vlad turned them under the same principle of desperation, and if that were the case, what Faust and Charles might desire more than anything else...Is Faust operating on a kind of necessity to atone? Has he simply given up hope that scientific advancement can happen without someone getting hurt, and so he does his best to balance the good and bad wrought by his explorations? Is he trying to bring someone back himself, is he trying to stall Vlad’s efforts in his own way? I really can’t be sure; there are just too many unanswered questions when it comes to Faust...)

This is where Sebastian and Faust begin to overlap. The pursuit of knowledge, an insatiable curiosity, a capacity to overreach the bounds of appropriate civility/decorum to get the information they want. It could potentially serve as a temptation for Sebas; become a vampire by Vlad’s hand and you can watch history over the span of generations. Assist in the development of an immortal, and you won’t even need someone like Comte to walk you through the different eras of time--you could explore yourself. While Sebas seems to be motivated more by service to other people, there can be no doubt that this could cause a great deal of friction. He will have to work to remind himself why he’s doing what he does and what it means to him, and whether or not becoming a vampire is truly what he wants.

But, there is also the issue of Vlad’s telepathic manipulations. Is it possible that an encounter with Faust (and by extension, proximity to Vlad/meeting Vlad head-on) could result in Sebastian being turned/experimented on without his knowledge? I.e. Vlad using his compulsion and sending him home with a word or memory of what happened. Though that’s certainly not the only possible explanation available. The other thing I was thinking about was a mechanic that was introduced in event stories prior to Sebas’ MS announcement. In the event story, MC and her suitor of choice encounter a street merchant that boasts a serum that can turn people into vampires. They, of course, don’t believe him--but the vial is procured and MC either purposefully or accidentally is exposed to it (i.e she knocks it over and it shatters in Leo’s ES). For a brief time, she exhibits vampiric qualities; she feels the thirst for blood as acutely as any of the other vampires in the mansion. I.e. In Napoleon’s ES, Sebas notices something wrong with MC when they’re just pouring vials of Rouge--the usual prepwork--and she runs out of the room looking dazed. Her odd/new instincts are only alleviated when she bites and drinks Napoleon’s blood, but after that single episode she shows no further signs of vampiric qualities. It’s a temporary but acute transformation. While I have no specifics as to how this is possible, I have to wonder if something similar might be done to Sebastian; whether as a means to test him (does he really want this? find out after the commercial break) or a kind of trick/trap laid by the antagonists. I remain unsure, but these are the two most likely explanations that come to mind if he hasn’t been fully turned.

As to whether or not his vampirism will be permanent, I’ve genuinely been oscillating on that one. I think it’s certainly possible given his intrigue (I never see much fear in him) with vampirism and his probable enjoyment with the prospect of an endless life learning about things (I can literally hear Leonardo screaming internally and I’m ngl it’s sad and funny). But there’s also something about the bite CG that speaks to strain/alarm, to surprise--that he wasn’t at all aware of the changes within himself--and I have to wonder if it might put him off of the prospect (like that he lost control/hurt MC)...Essentially I think it will just really boil down to how the symptoms come about (temporary or permanent), and how much his affections for MC might deter that curiosity/possible wish (if temporary, he might not touch the prospect again--if permanent, THAT WOULD BE SO FUCKING SEXY BECAUSE I’d wager the rest of the route might be MC trying to help him adjust/recover IN A SEXY WAY).

(Note post-translation: I fucking HATE IT HERE. The bite CG text says smth to the effect of “The bloodlust is unbearable--stay away from me; I don’t think I’ll be able to keep from attacking you.”) In light of this information, I am this 👌 close to launching myself straight into the sun. OFC his route is gonna be sweet as all shit and then it’s just gonna go downhill from there with angst. WHYYYYYYYYYY AKIHIKO (at least his voice is mega sexy and heals my wounds OTL) It also says something about “a fate that is greatly moved” so that does suggest a more permanent change than the temporary alternatives I mentioned (though we all know how Cybird loves to jerk us around so I’m leaving that up for debate)...this shit better be hurt/comfort or i s2g im throwing hands

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAA THE ANTICIPATION IS KILLING ME!!!!!!!

Here’s hoping he’ll make for a delightful surprise! I’m looking forward to it c: 

[helloyoufuckinbastards]

I had a dream, where I was in my house, and someone took something from me. And ya know, the dream is similar to the time where thor’s hammer got stolen. Because a bigass blue thing, took my hammer of power or something, idk, and locked me in a room. Cuz Im apparently grounded or something. I sure as hell aint imprisoned. I just cant get the hammer back, “to dangerous for kids” apparently. Anyway I try to get it back, but everytime that I fail, it gets reseted. Like a game. And im the only one who knows. How frustrating. Anyways at one point I get fed up and didn’t try to get the hammer, but I fail, and I was like “FUCK THIS”, and climbed up the ledge of a window. And my big blue babysitter is like “What are you doing??” “Im gonna kill myself.” But then like I dont. Because I dont know what will happen if I do. And what a waste of life if I actually die. So I just climb in, and I make a deal with my Big and Blue sitter, and was like “Okay, fine, I wont take my hammer to school. Fine. But can I atleast take the stuff from my bag? The bag where the hammer is? “ And he was like “fine.” And I took my stuff, a coin that produced a copy of itself every 9 days, gold (idk why but i apparently had like gold bars, comical ones), and one other thing. I forgot. But I remember being sad, because I cant bring my ship that can fold up neatly into my pocket to school. I was very sad over it.  

Anywayz I end up in school, and there was apparently a quizbee going on. And apparently everyone in this school is magical. Ya know, elves, fairies, wizards, witches. The do. And it was a bunch of subjects like, Math, Science, History, etc.  a round of 4 questions. difficult ones. Our group won the Math section. I joined in on Science cuz I love me some science. And I lost. Anyways I leave because I have something to do apparently, and then what followed is weird. I go to the sci lab becuz idk Imma say goodbye to all the test tubes I failed. And there was a bunch of elves gathered around the fridge. I ask whassup, they say a serial killer is on the loose and they are decapitating hands of their victims as trophies and then putting them in the science lab fridge.  What then followed is a blur of me doing battle against an army, leveling up, now I have a sword that can turn into whatever I want, and if I turn it into a bow and draw the string, an arrow made of energy will appear. Anyways the elves see my awesome level up, and decides to join in the battle, and we won.   So I went back to school, and they gave me the hands of the killed elves, and I was like “What the fuck do you want me to do???” i was very disgusted by the severed hands. becuase. they. were. severed. hands. And they were like “You can restore them back to like,” And I was like “gross but okay, I guess” and they dumped the load of hands into my arms, and while trying now to internally gag, I restore them back to life, in a ball of light. 

And I went back to school, The quizbee is still happening, and like blah blah, I get bored, I leave. And there was a classmate who was selling sweet gulaman. and Jughead from Archie comics is classmate. And me and Jughead are like, “It’s 35 usd, but it’s 75lbs,” “Yes, but we can get a 8oz gulaman for 20php back in the quizhall.” and I was like “Yes but you forget one crucial thing. This is brown gulaman. The gulaman they serve in the quiz hall is buko pandan. “ At which point, we buy the comically large cup of gulaman for 35 usd.  Anyways, at one point, my dead grandfather participates in the quiz bee, but ducks out before it started and it delayed, and he ran away. I met the girl who is going to be my grandfather’s group’s opponent. And she’s crying because she was so excited for this, and this is like a plot point, an arc for her character is she was like an anime character, this would be the final arc, the arc right before she acheivs her dreams. And I was like “Oh balls, I need to find my gramps.” 

And I find him in my grandmother’s house, my childhood home, and he was kinda looking at a picture. Idk what the pic was, but if there’s anything I know about the pics in my grandma’s house is that it’s all family. Pics of me, my brother, their anniversary, the pics of their wedding and the weddings of all their kids. So....  And I was like “Grandpa’s come on, you gotta compete!” and he kinda looks at me solemny and I realize he’s delaying the inevitable. And he says goodbye, and he vanishes. And when I come back to the quizhall, they crying girl, who is an elf btw, says she won, because the other team is disqualified, and she is still crying.  then there is a part where hiccup and astrid are exploring, and they find a hand, and they give it to me, and I was like “WHAT ON FUCKING EARTH-” and they were like, bring it back to life. and I was like sure. And I brought it back into like, egg form. And now hiccup and astrid has like a mx-breed dragon child. Part httyd dragon, Part Bakunawa (Filipino ) dragon. 

And then I was back in school, the quizbee is over and we are doing P.E and coach is testing our powers, “kick that ball as hard as you can.” And I did, and it kinda looked like it didnt go far, “I thought you had more in you.” Coach said, and I was like, Yeah me too, I had a power up and all. Then my classmate says, that’s not my ball, that’s his. And I was like, where the fuck’s mine? And apparently it traveled the world.  Then there was a part where my classmates took me to the study hall and we studied and the chairs floated. that was cool. 

[diamondcamefromhell]

Timeless love

Jaskier x female reader series part 3

[PART 1] ; [PART  2]

Summary: This is an AU, where Y/N is a young woman, trying to make ends meet with her freelancing writing job. She lives in her small Nottingham studio apartment along with her cat Apollo. Things change when one evening as she is waiting for her taxi, she meets what she thinks is Joey Batey, but the man in front of her is convinced he’s Jaskier, a character from her current favorite show. Y/N now has to figure out what to do.

Warnings: Swearing, vomit, alcoholism and alcohol-related borderline abuse

Word count: 2,251

NOTE:

This part has some heavier stuff than any other work Ive written, so please, proceed with caution for your own sake. nothing too graphic happens, but still want to make sure you know that it does have a certain character that could be triggering to some. he wont be a dominant feature in all parts, but i feel it’s important for Jaskier to interact with people like that, as he continues to learn about our world. 

hope you enjoy this part nonetheless. feedback, as always, is greatly appreciated <3 [im really nervous to see what yall think]

I don’t know when, but I managed to get some sleep. Not much, as it was just 7 am when Apollo started meowing and jumping on me, asking to be fed. I sit up, my gaze immediately going to the coach, where Jaskier seemed to be sleeping soundly.

I crawl out of the bed, going to the kitchen, where I see lute back by the fridge. He eventually put it down last night. I wonder how long did it take for him to fall asleep. I sigh, as quietly as possible pouring some food for my cat, who purrs as a thank you.

I stare out the window, as cars start going up and down the street. The town is waking up. I tiptoe around my apartment to go get my laptop from the coffee table. I am surprised Jaskier didn’t ask about it last night. But then again, he didn’t know most of the things in my apartment, he probably was overwhelmed.

I go back to my bed, opening and booting up my old friend. As I enter the password, I am greeted with a picture of him and Geralt on that rock, at the end of episode 6. I loved that whole scene so much. I stare at it, not believing the same bard is sleeping on my coach. I know better, so I change the picture to one of the default ones.

I open chrome, exiting the youtube page that has his song on it. He is not ready for that.

Or maybe I wasn’t. But it didn’t matter.

I go to email, checking for work. I have a few requests, and I decide it’s best to get some work done before Jaskier wakes up and we have to have more awkward conversations. I manage to write two articles, and then he awakens.

His face, for a second, is full of confusion, but then he seems to remember where he is. Now, his expression grows sad. I know he probably wished this were just a nightmare. I know he wished to wake up, back home. With Geralt and even Yennefer. But instead he got me and Apollo, who was already jumping on the coach, greeting Jaskier.

“So that wasn’t a dream,” he murmurs, but I catch it. I close my laptop.

“I’m afraid not.” I respond, as he looks at me, his expression still cold. “I’m sorry.”

“Well, what can you do.” He forces a smile, which I don’t really like, but I decide it’s best not to comment on that. Instead, I nod.

“I wish I could do something. Anyway,” I clear my throat. “Are you up to trying something new?”

“Depends on what it is.” Jaskier perks up, his clouded gaze clearing a little.

“Dirty beans.” I say, jumping out of my bed, I smirk at him. “Or as people call it – coffee.”

“I think I will pass on dirty beans.” He frowns and I giggle.

“You will not.” I say, as he smiles, just a little. And I know it’s genuine. A little hope in these dark times.

I go turn on my coffee maker, putting in the capsule. I decide to make him a latte, nothing too strong. I make myself giggle, when I realize he may be lactose intolerant. I guess we will find out. I stare at him, and decide to add two sugars.

For myself, however, I go black, with one sugar. I need the energy, as I feel absolutely exhausted. I take the drinks, giving him his cup. He sniffs the drink, taking a sip. I don’t sit down, closely watching his reaction.

He doesn’t frown, and actually looks pleasantly surprised. Smile curls his lips, and I catch myself smiling too.

“Glad you like my dirty beans.” I say, finally sitting down, sipping my own. The bitter taste hits my taste buds, waking me up in an instant.

“It’s nice. Thank you.” I smile.

“You are welcome, Jaskier.” I say, leaning back on the couch. “Let me know if you are hungry, I will cook something.”

“I will, thanks.” I glance at him, realizing how surreal it is. Yet we both seem calm.

“Then we might need to go out. Try to see if we can find something around here.” I feel anxiety rush over me. “It’s best if we do it in a day too. Safer.”

“What will we look for?” I shrug, closing my eyes.

“We’ll see it when we find it.” I look at his attire now. “However, you will have to change.”

“Sorry, I didn’t pack anything.” He says, smirking, and I feel a wave of ease wash over me. I am glad he is making jokes.

“I have some clothes that should fit you. I think.” He looks confused, nearly scared, so I continue. “Not my clothes, but I buy some for Dave, he sometimes needs them, because well… he doesn’t have that much.”

“Dave?” I cant read Jaskier’s tone, but he seems confused.

“He lives in the apartment in front of mine. We are… acquaintances at best.” Jaskier nods, as I place my coffee down.

I rush to my small wardrobe, going to the second drawer, where I keep clothes for Dave. Poor guy vomits on himself so often, and he doesn’t know how to wash clothes exactly. If they’re not too disgusting, I wash them, but I keep fresh ones at hand.

I get them at a thrift store, so most of them aren’t to fancy or anything.

I pull a pair of old black jeans, trying to imagine if Jaskier could fit in them. I think he should, but then again, I didn’t exactly examine how he looks that much. I’ve seen it for hours on tv. Dave is not a big man, and I thank my angels for that, as I pull a white shirt that should fit Jaskier too. I dig around to find a pink hoodie.

For a moment I think he wouldn’t wear it, but then I remember what he is wearing now and realize he probably would be fine with a bit of pink. I turn around, revealing his outfit, but Jaskier looks confused.

“Please tell me you know how to dress yourself.” I tease, and he laughs.

“I do, if you can’t tell, I dress nicely.” I chuckle, but don’t respond. “This is weird.”

“Just change.” I throw the clothes to him, and he starts undressing before my very own eyes. It takes me a moment for shock to pass away, before the blush rushes to my face. “In the bathroom for Christs sake!”

I point to the only other room in my apartment as the bard looks very confused. But one look at me, flustered and red sends the message, as he smirks, gathering his clothes and leaving the room. I fan my face with my hands.

Now I don’t meant to act like such a loser and fear seeing a man’s nipple. It’s just that I know I might have to stay with him for a couple more days, so it might make things weird. Also, I already had a crush on him, kinda, and I didn’t want to deepen it even more.

When he comes out, I am already seated, calmed down and drinking my coffee. I turn my face and immediately feel a wave of something rush over me. He looks so different. The pants are a bit big, I notice, but nothing a belt cant fix. The shirt, however, fits perfect, hugging his body. And the zip up hoodie ads a familiar pop of colour.

I feel my face become hot again.

“Verdict?” He asks, twirling around.

“You need a belt.” I say in one breath, rushing to get him the damn thing, before his pants fall off. Which, they nearly did already. When they are secure, I give one final look. “You look normal, so you’re good, I guess.”

“I don’t feel normal.” He says bitterly, and I sigh.

“I know, Jaskier. Not your usual attire, but this way, you will stand out less.” I stare at him, knowing there is a way bigger problem at hand.

He now literally looks like Joey Batey. An exact replica. And if someone, who has seen the hit show, sees him, it will be bad. I suddenly get a headache.

“We have a different problem. You look exactly like someone well known. That’s why I mistook you when I saw you last night.” I say, rubbing my temples.

“Who?” I sigh again.

“Joey. Joey Batey.” I grunt, closing my eyes. “If people recognize you as him, there might be… trouble.”

“Do townsfolk know him that well?” I glare at the man, but then I remember he seemingly knows nothing about my world. So I ease up.

“Yes. He’s like Geralt.” I compare. “The world just knows him. I guess we will have to stay close to home. And wear your hood up.”

I ignore my headache, chugging down my coffee, as Jaskier puts his hood up. He looks adorable, but I don’t say that, instead I nod, approving. I decide to go without breakfast, as the more I think about having to go outside, the more anxious I get.

And I am out of my medication, since I don’t like going to a doctor.  I silently curse myself out, as we make our leave. The corridor still stinks, so I give Jaskier an apologetic glance, who in return gives me a soft smile. I feel a chill rush down my spine, when the door behind our backs open. I drop my keys, thankfully after I already locked the door.

I quickly pick them up, turning around to face my neighbour. Dave is staring at Jaskier, his eyes wide with surprise. He has never seen me bring a man home.

Dave is wearing grey joggers, with various stains on it. I notice some blood, but realize it’s best not to ask, not with Jaskier in the earshot. His shirt also clearly has dried vomit on it, and he oozes of vodka and something else. It makes me dizzy and sick.

I try to imagine what the bard is seeing. A frail, tiny white male. Bald, but with a black creepstache. Shaking uncontrollably. It must be so confusing. I want for us to get away, only then I notice Jaskier shielding me ever so slightly. My heart beats faster.

“Hello Dave.” I say through my teeth, stepping in front of Jaskier, so now I would shield him from the curious stare.

“Y/N, sweetheart. Didn’t know you had company.” He says, holding on his door frame, stabilizing himself. I force a smile.

“Yes, well. He’s a friend.” I say, stepping in front of ‘my friend’ more. Dave wasn’t generally violent, but he could get jealous and insecure from every male person who ever walked this earth. Let’s say he has a fragile ego.

“Introduce us, then!” He smiles, and I notice he’s missing his front tooth now. Poor man.

“I’d rather not, Dave.” I say, firmly, as he takes a step forward, using me as a stabilizer now. I want to step away, but I know it would cause a scene. And he wasn’t generally violent, but there instances.

“C’mon sweetheart.” He leans in, whispering. “Your friends are my friends.”

“I said no.” My voice comes out weak as the stench from his is making me feel dizzy. I feel like I am about to throw up.

“She has said no, Dave.” Jaskier speaks, startling me. I almost forgot he was there. He steadies me, as I didn’t even realize I was drifting back. Then I notice my hands shaking. I’m beginning to panic. Fuck.

“We are in a rush, Dave.” I deescalate the situation, as my neighbor was shooting daggers at Jaskier. “Next time, I will introduce you two.”

“Where are you going?” Dave steps back, but he grabs my upper hand. I get startled, squirming a little. That seems to tip off Jaskier.

“Let go.” He steps in front of me now, his voice firm. Dave, to my surprise, listens, letting me go immediately.

“You got yourself a good man, Y/N.” He says, laughing. He steps in his apartment, slamming the door. I lean on the wall, taking a couple deep breaths, which don’t help as it stinks in here.

“Are you okay?” I shake my head.

“I need fresh air.”

I practically jump down the stairs, and when I reach outside, I go around the corner to throw up. My stomach hurts.

Dave is usually kind. He rarely ever lays his hands on me, but whenever he does, it’s never nice. I wish Jaskier wasn’t there to witness this. I glance over my shoulder, to see his worried look, I straighten up, wiping my mouth.

“I’m fine.” I grunt, ignoring the fact that his gaze doesn’t change.

“You shouldn’t have to deal with that, a lady like you…” I lift my hand, annoyed. He get’s the hint, shutting up.

“In this world, Jaskier, I’m no lady.” I put my hair behind the ear, anxiously looking around. “Get used to that.”

“It’s not fair.” He argues, worry not leaving his face. I sigh, walking past him.

“The world isn’t fair.” I bitterly say, before taking a deep breath. I face Jaskier again. “Now let’s look for something that could help you.”

He knows this conversation is over, as I feel anxiety come back. I have no idea what to look for or where to even begin.

[PART 4]

~~~~~~~~

TAG LIST [if you wish to be added or removed from the tag list, lmk]

@ultracolorfulnerdcollection ; @viyamystic ; @sleepyblossom ; @killjoy-acid-crash

[01010010-posts]

— fake heart but real me, the same as you.

requests: im gonna put this worm in your ear: au where reader works pretty much as a wall-e type and rk900 is eve

Imagine an android reader interfacing with the robo boys im just so obsessed with this intimate android gesture and im sorta sad not a lot of fics have it aND ALSO HHHHHH I LOVE YOUR WRITING SO MUCH ITS SO SOFT AND PURE,,,, IT IS THE EMBODIMENT OF SUNSHINE BSBSBHWWJNSNS AAAAAA

Can I ask for a headcanon of the Rks and their S/O if they were a sex worker android?? Or even the Rks can be the sex workers. Anything as long as the reader is an android pls.

ohhhhhhh pick the android reader one. I'm never able to find any on here. I mostly like them cuz if you're human, you'll eventually die. Which is depressing...

me, in the year 2019, still using fictional characters as coping mechanism since i cant love myself: it be like that huh also 60’s one turned out bad im sorry :o

Connor:

• he actually bumps into you during his eden club case • yep you’re one of the tracis he connects with to find the blue-haired one • there’s nothing peculiar about you • and honestly, the first time he meets you he still isn’t a deviant • but that doesn’t mean he won’t remember you • in fact, his instinct, when investigating a scene after the revolution, and casually glancing your way, is to send you a smile • of course you don’t remember who this other android may be • the club policy was to wipe memories in two hours after all • oh but you’re a curious robot with an empty schedule so you don’t mind waiting the whole half hour it takes for cops to get your testimony • would you look at that he’s coincidentally done as soon as you’re about to leave!! • “hey– I won’t rob you of more minutes” a quip “but I just wanted to say that I’m happy you got free, and, well, to thank you for your help, both then and now. and maybe to apologize for interfacing without asking–” • “umh, excuse me but do i know you?” • and he’s a little taken aback because wow he totally forgot about it • “oh– right, gosh, I’m terribly sorry. we already– I mean, we previously met but maybe this isn’t the best phrasing. I’m– well, we– mh I was–” • is he stumbling through his words? • you shouldn’t, really, but you can’t help but laugh • and he stops, delightfully surprised that he made you chuckle at least a bit • and maybe he blushes blue • “I guess we could still try to get know each other now....” 

RK900:

• one could say that RK900 is cold, superficial and maybe a little scornful • and one could say that the receptionist model of the DPD is nothing but old, obsolete and surely banal • but then again one would be pretty wrong in both cases • for the receptionist is capable of performing several exaflops operations per second, managing appointments and schedules, even speaking multiple languages • for RK900 is, yes, all of the above, but one thing is yet to be added: he’s terribly in love with the old receptionist model of the DPD. • and he’s very bad at hiding it. • he says ‘good morning’ and ‘good evening’, and eventually ‘good night’, every time he passes through the station’s doors • he, not one day of his career, has been late to work • he makes sure gavin is not rude to you • he sometimes silently helps with humans that might be prone to causing you problems while on the job • he leaves tiny juice-box sized thirium packets on your desk • he got the wrong thirium for your model the first time • and you, tenderly weirded out by the sudden appareance of such thing, had to give it to connor • this dork hasn’t been able to forgive himself ever since • though you don’t know it’s him, he’s the most advanced prototype don’t think he’d leave any traces behind • but being the latest friend shaped iphone has its perks and its cons, for example to not be endowed with social modules as good as yours and not having any idea on how to start a relationship • if it were for him you two would never go past the whole stage of casual conversations and his pining • which, as two androids, could last forever. every human in the present police station could grow old and die and you both would still be there, chatting, smiling, making awkward remarks to each other about the weather. not that any of you really mind that. or maybe he just says those things because you’re not a waterproof model? • but it’s okay because there’s this moment where it’s late at night and almost everyone is gone to their houses and it’s mostly you and him and yes, he doesn’t technically need sleep but you worry about him anyway • and you go up to him and you touch his hand to gain his attention and he, as if sparked by electricity, immediately turns his head towards you • “sorry. i didn’t know RK900 could be so easily scared” you hint a laugh, slightly covering your mouth with the tips of your digits, but don’t let go of the contact with his knuckle • he looks away for a second, fighting his biocomponent to not give away his blue blush “no, it’s my fault, I was too focused on the reports–” as he says this he fixes his eyes to yours and stops “wha– why are crying? is something the matter?” how cruel is it for you to have this feature he does not possess. at this point all of his energy is channelled into not taking your face between his palms and comfort you, whatever it is he can help, as he always does • “is that what you think of me? why you never told me anything?” and suddenly he lowers his gaze to the dark table, seeing your fingers interlacing in a soft white glow, exchanging informations through circuits 

RK800-60:

• “can you stop simulating sighing?” • “I’m not simulating it, I am sighing” • “well. can you stop anyway?” • “uhhh, of course not?” • and now it’s RK900’s turn to heave his chest in exasperation whispering a silent “why the fuck are you build like this” • “I CAN hear you, you know” • “I sure hope you do, otherwise I’d have to send a request for repair on a RK800 model” • “shut the fuck up– connor! move! I can’t see them otherwise!” • “60, I have to work, and you should too. stop with the staring” 51 rolls his eyes, not even bothering to launch an annoyed look at his twin, swivelling in his chair as to let the other enjoy his favourite activity: watching the android server from the chinese restaurant across the street that brings lunches to human police officers • “why don’t you just ask them out and spare us with your eternal pining?” • “excuse me? have you perhaps gone mad, nines?” and he deliberately uses that because he knows RK900 doesn’t like it • but, actually, it’s not a bad idea, it shouldn’t be too difficult, just going near them, chatting a bit and using his charm like he always does • but, actually, now that he decided to execute his thoughts, mhh, how to say it, his body is acting against him, making his leg bounce the weird way it always does, making the little wheels in his head going in an opposite motion • “he–” some cough to clear his throat of an nonexistent clot “hey! it’s sunny today, isn’t it?” • GOSH that was such a stupid icebreaker where’s all of his confidence gone!! • but you smile, nevertheless, and your eyes slowly close in that friendly manner he’d grown to love, along with your lips that go up up and up, almost in an inhuman way, flashing a polite face • the same that makes him weak at his knees, makes his thirium pump regulator go crazy from all the blue blood it has to send in the upper part of his freckled cheeks and nose • “yes. we’re having nice weather.” you murmur, gathering back the bags you used to carry all the takeaway in • “I’m– I want to order something.” he has your attention “for tomorrow’s break, I mean” • “oh? you’re buying a plate for a human co-worker? that’s sweet. what would they like?” • “yes– I mean, no– for me, it’s for me.” • “mh? but you’re an android. i’m sorry but we don’t sell thirium based dishes.” • “oh that’s fine. I’m designed to eat like humans do.” he wouldn’t be doing so bad, if it wasn’t for his red LED giving his panic away • “are you? quite peculiar.” you giggle, absolutely delighted by the artificial pearlescent sweat adorning his temples and his fingertips “i’ll get you something then.” • this is probably the toughest order he’s ever asked, and probably the first and last • 51 and RK900 are SO going to mock him the next day they’re gonna laugh at his enamoured ass faking eating just to please his crush he never even picked up a fork in his life what’s he gonna DO

[sixcastappreciation]

sixcago gave me my gay rights

alternative title: review of the evening sixcago show on july third

this is like almost 4k and its mostly just rambling but i need to express how much i love sixcago

like at least half of this is just me being gay so i bolded some of the things that i found really interesting and isnt just me like, freaking out

so to start off: holy shit. the energy of the entire show was amazing, it was really funny and fun and the acting/dancing/singing was on point like i cant think of a single complaint on the part of any of them.

so to get into the actual show

ex wives

when the curtain came up and the smoke started pouring out i actually felt my soul leave my body it was such a good moment

less than thirty seconds in brittney mack made eye contact with me and i swear to god my heart stopped and i honestly had trouble focusing on the rest of the song

i am not exaggerating that is the whole truth and nothing but the truth

shes............. literally so good im still shaking as i write this like three hours later

the third repetition of the rhyme where they all sound kinda pissed off? they nailed that

adrianna was so cute when she said “you wont try that again”

andrea holy shit. thats really a wrap on that

abby got that like, kinda head in the clouds thing that i feel like is janes Brand during this part

when he saw my portrait he was like JaaAAaaa

i love brittney mack

courtney knew what she was doing with that prick line. get it girl

anna has the most angelic voice i swear to god

the six of them work really well together on stage???? like i know its all choreo and stuff but you could Feel the energy that they had together it was good

oh man the choreo for the end. im so gay

intro thingy:

adrianna with that riff!!!!! we stan

annas face after “herstory” was iconic. she knew what she had done wrong

you couldnt hear the intro for maggie bc people were cheering so loud

the way adrianna says maria made me gay

abby also knows what she had to say. she knows how cursed janes sense of humor is and she was really playing it up

protestent............ protestant

“we’ll tell you what you want what you really really want” this made me laugh so hard i dont rly remember the next like thirty seconds because i was dying

“the biggest.... the firmest......... the fullest..............” im. i cant

no way

“maria” AGAIN adrianna please. please i cant handle it

“OH muy bien aHHah” not to be Lesbian On Main but fuck this was so cute

her emotion during the monologue was SO funny

it was peak, it was so good

she really gets it. i dont totally know what it is but this aragon monologue gets it

when she said “really trying” she did like, a motion. i cant go into more detail but Fuck

so after “move me into a convent” everyone like, gathered around aragon and adrianna did a

well idk what youd call it but a like

her entire torso swung around in a huge circle right before “i dont think i’d look that good in a wimple”

and idk what it was but that part just made me Lose It

adrianna had this way of making it all a little funnier?

like catherine is usually pretty Serious, i think but it felt like adrianna knew she was playing a character who was Like That, if you will, and was kinda leaning into breaking the fourth wall a little

i can probably elaborate if that doesnt make sense

you say its a pity cos quoting leviticus ill end up kiddiless all my life

she said that with such conviction goddamn

oh, he doesnt remember

this was so good

the “sh-”s were really funny

the fucking. i dont know what it is but the *ting*

holy shit

i cant put into words

how much i loved that part

the pause after “i’ll go” was............ expansive

i just checked it was 10 whole seconds

that doesnt sound long but it felt like forever

she went high on “end of my life” and thank u for mine adrianna hicks

the amount of no’s was impressive and im heart eyes for it

adrianna just had really good stage presence

like i caught myself looking at her during the dance breaks of all the songs when i wasnt looking at brittney

it was just so fun to watch her go!

dluh

during the intro of like “yeah, you know, the really important one” andrea was doing some Dumb Shit in the background

like i dont know exactly what it was but she was just like

idk like noodling around in the back

and i caught her eye and she like, smiled a little

the gasps the rest of them did were....... cute

then andrea busted out a full on fucking witches cackle

then she stuck her tongue out and looked like she was taking a selfie and it was so cute

like, her tongue was OUT

“not my thing” had the BIGGEST uwu energy of anything ive ever heard

i thought people were kidding when they said andrea boleyn had uwu energy

they were not

pret a manger barely came across as a real line it was more like, an experience

the sorry not sorry choreo. its so funny and cute and simultaneously cursed

the way andrea delivered her lines here was just

it was like, cutesy and fun but also kind of cursed

uwu

when she said “are you blind” andrea like, gestured to herself, in a like “look how hot i am” kinda way

which might be the standard? either way it made me laugh a lot

don’t be bitter/cos im fitter was the only line in the entire production said with a british accent and it fucking slayed me on sight one hit ko

i actually like that they changed “mate, what was i meant to do” to “wait, what was i meant to do” because

it implies that anne had no other train of thought than the one she was on and thats very funny to me

i think it fits w andreas portrayal too

everyone was like, fake crying when anne fake walked down the aisle and it was really funny imo

and as soon as she got to the end anne like, turned, yk?

bro just shut up

the entire audience gasped after that

andrea had actual like, panic on her face

then she led into “i guess he just really liked my head”

and there was a beat after that, where everyone laughed

it was long enough that everyone got the joke

then she mimed the blow job

her riff on “hell”? iconic

“wait, didnt you actually die” no jane she was beheaded but she was fine

abby seymour said dumbass rights she has the Dumbest Bitch energy god

“catherine of aragon had tragically died” catch adrianna looking like, yeah it was so sad for me, how terrible, right?

then boleyn goes off

the. fury, passion, anger, zest, contained in andreas “MASSIVE-”

“over my dead body” andrea gave her this look like, youre damn right it will be

heart of stone

oof

okay so the monologue

oof

“i was lucky. okay, i was really lucky” o o f

“edwina” is still cursed tho

i dont know what it was about this. i dont know if it was abby, or the dialogue, or just it being live but

this made it clear that jane had been Through It

like, this monologue came across (to me at least) as unquestionably a “woman who was abused trying to justify it to herself” kind of situation

“and that’s not because i was scared,” she said, wearing an absolutely terrified expression

this is where she started tearing up i think

okay i gotta take a moment here because

abby was fully crying before the song even started

like somewhere about halfway through her monologue she started tearing up

i was looking for it specifically

i wrote this before the last part so see above

so by the first fucking like of hos you could hear her voice breaking

holy shit ms meuller what the fuck

im not kidding who gave her the right

at the stagedoor she said that after this she was like, “well thats it for my makeup” when someone complimented her song

she is crying. the first chorus and she is actively crying. in the breaks between her lyrics you can hear her crying

abby went high on a couple of notes in here

she riffed on “truthfully” and it was, wow

she didnt go for the whistle tones which was, honestly? the most relatable thing in this entire show

but a couple of the other notes she went high on and they were so killer

there was a second or two of pause after the end where everyone just, absorbed things before the applause

i have some questions for abby about this actually because i dont know if its just because the monologue was different than im used to but

i just want to know if abby meant to have everything come off like That but god

the mental gymnastics jane is doing here are so intense

this performance genuinely changed how i listen to hos forever

i dont think i can ever peacefully listen to this song again

this song gave me so many layered emotions thank u abby mueller

haus of holbein

hans................................. *holbein*

the chaos

i honestly barely remember most of it it was

i had no idea who to be looking at

but i remember it being beautiful

i dont have the words to express how

fucking funny it was

the accents were hilarious

like they werent great german accents, but that made it far better

they were leaning into the ridiculousness of it all

the way abby said “but we cannot guarantee that you’ll still walk at forty” had me on the ground

ive spent the last 24 hrs trying to figure out exactly why it was so funny and i think i got it

she dropped the german accent

and she straight up sounded like she was reading off the side effects of a pharmaceutical ad on tv

the freeze frame? legendary

anna and courtney (im pretty sure?) managed to look so genuinely offended that henry swiped left on them

your highness your highness your highness

god adrianna please

actually every h sound that came out of their mouths

but adrianna Got It

get down

oh god i gotta talk about “didnt live up to his expectations”

brittney like, half took off her jacket and gestured to her body and like, body rolled a bit and honestly? i was fucking dead

the sarcasm really jumped out here. brittney went off in the best way possible

she was fully fake sobbing right before “tragic”

fucking legend

brING me some pheasant!

the woof line is always a good moment but their facial expressions really made it work here

this song has the most outwardly complex choreo (ofc i cant speak to its actual difficulty) and every single one of them crushed it

brittney made eye contact w me again on “looking cute” and im deceased

oh god after “take my fur” she whispered “thank you. honestly” and gestured to herself again and like, i was dying

iirc brittney was like, skipping across the stage or something on “i look more rad” and snapped into position for “lutheranism”

we gotta take a moment to appreciate the operatic talent of that one “get down you dirty rascal” instead of the slo mo

like, ofc the slo mo is a good moment but

brittney went full opera and it was,

wow

shes got a voice on her holy shit

so much talent in such a tiny body

aCHYEAH

she picked the person sitting next to me to dance w her and

they did their cute little dance thing and then brittney gestured like, go sit down, and the person did, then stood back up and started dancing again

not like, in a bad way i dont think

it was super fuckin funny and after the song brittney was like “oh that was cute you think youre funny”

but i heard them talking at the stagedoor and like, brittney was chill it wasnt like a violation of anything

im not explaining it very well but it was really funny in person

everything about her on stage was just, so enrapturing

i dont have too many specific notes about this song because it would probably turn into just, me being gay, which is enough of this already

anyway! get down was good brittney mack is a stellar cleves

her fake crying is next level tho

the confrontation

boleyn, unprompted: i lost my head!

the beheaded cousins high fived after “nice neck” and like, stuck out their necks a bit it was so funny

seymours “i died”

we all know abby is gonna kill her line delivery

but GOD

and then after, she like, realized what she had said and struck a pose like, shit please still think im regal

the line itself was actually pretty, uhhhh, sad

theres something about boleyn roasting khoward in andreas voice

courtney with that “and your songs” had perfect timing

also “when will justice be SERVED” had such good punch to it

after she did that she like

rubbed her hand on janes face

and abby looked SO offended

theres something so, sincere about courtneys delivery of her roasts that i hadnt been getting and its SO much funnier to me

i forget exactly where but at some point boleyn aragon and howard were arguing

and in the background it really looked like seymour and cleves were having a normal conversation and i lost it like. they were just chattin

there were a couple moments of like, cleves and seymour interacting and it was interesting

aywd

courtney! mack! took! no! prisoners!

jesus christ

okay so i dont know if other howards do this or if it was just because i was seeing it live and up close and that made the difference but

for me the most compelling part of this howard was the fear

like yes there was the sadness/anger/etc like there was good emotion but

from the “he says we have a connection” re: henry, and then on, everything about courtneys body language just screamed that she was afraid

idk i might expand on this in a separate post because its a darker topic but yeah. holy shit that was emotional

not a single person clapped after the last line. they all waited until after “yeah, and then i was beheaded” before clapping

like the theater was dead silent. DEAD silent

it was like, so haunting because it was just courtney on stage at that point, with just the white spotlight on her, it was a Moment

im not sure i have the heart right now to get too deep into this

if it would be particularly interesting to anyone feel free to ask, im happy to get more into it but idk its just Emotional

actually this is already so long ima go for it

so on each “we have a connection” it was uhhhh parr and aragon (i think) who each put a hand on like, her clavicle

and for the first two verses she grabbed one of the hands and was like, flirty? ig

but on the one about henry seymour also put a hand around her waist and she like

she freaked out

and listening back to the audio i can

unpopular opinion perhaps but the actual emotion of her on stage didnt come thru in the audio

because it was so physical

like you could see how scared she was

which made it more relateable to me honestly

like she looked so so scared

it was heartbreaking

the confrontation part ii

oh BOOH OO MISTERESSES

“okay catherine, babes” is CUTE fight me

anna looked like, progressively more concerned as that beat went on, and then she just kinda like, deflated? it was really funny tbh

idk her parr feels Different than the parr im used to

during “oh im catherine parr i draw the line in arbitrary places” courtney was playing with her hair it was hashtag cute

BACKING VOCALS RIP CATHY PARR

idnyl

a cute little b flat major 7

yeah anna parr seems

hmm

she seems like she’s just, over henry

like from the start she just has no time for him

idk im Conceptualizing

anna uzele is

her voice is next level

she put survived in the “got married to the king became the one who survived” in air quotes which i think is an interesting note

anna got really physically into the “remember that...” bit of it and everyone in the back was also having a good time with it it was Good

andrea. she stuck her pointer finger between two of her other fingers on her other hand for the “my sixth finger” line and it was SO funny

khoward keeping aragon in line was

not the hot take i was expecting but nevertheless the one we deserved

both for “dissolution of the monasteries” and “well actually”

idk it was a cute character moment

one of *unsure, disgusted, vaguely annoyed* siiiIIIiix

abby was right in front of me and she looked SO uncomf

yeah, i read

iconique

andrea like, threw her head back for this line

the pause after “theres not much we can do about it now” is

painfully long and so so so funny

i was only really looking at brittney but she was like, arms down head up no body language it was SO funny

also her “yeah?” ended my life

she raised the mic up to her mouth while not moving an inch of the rest of her body

the part where they get all meta. has me dead

it was about halfway through this second part that i realized cleves had her coat back. i dont know when that happened. if anyone else knows when exactly anna of cleves gets her coat back after it gets taken off in get down please tell me. i genuinely want to know

this actually distracted me

i got vibes that they genuinely hated henry during this part

first off, mood

secondly, good

annas riffing. god.

she is so talented

dsfjksdf they all straight up left

six

the opening moment is really sweet and kinda funny

abby again killing it with janes cursed lines

courtney howard is actually so cute

when shes not being heartbreakingly sad that is

like her “bye!” was so cute

theyre all so supportive of each other its very cute

megasix

adrianna and abby both looked into my camera and like, i died

at the end anna and brittney were doing some dumb shit as they walked off stage and it was SO cute

after the show

i went to the stagedoor and it was a really fun experience! ive never done that before

it seemed like everyone was being pretty respectful and stuff, thank u six fans for being sane

i got four signatures on my program dklfjsldfjds

abby was such a sweetheart, we actually talked a tiny bit

i told her i loved her line delivery (because uhhhhhh i do) and she said that she tries to get in that comedic timing when she has Those Lines and like yeah

she was seriously the nicest

the ladies in waiting came out as well and everyone cheered for them and lets be real they DESERVE it

lemme sidebar here actually and talk about the ladies in waiting because

they killed it

bessie on the bass was living her best life at literally all times

brittney was also super sweet! i told her she had good energy (because uhhhhhh she does) and she was very nice about it!!!

i didnt really talk to anna or andrea but i got their signatures!

also speaking of my program im still losing my mind over “remembered for: headlessness” and “remembered for: staying alive”

thank u sixcago program

in conclusion! this was such a great+special experience!!! all of the actors were incredible, it was so wonderful

im also not claiming any of this stuff was unique to this performance or to sixcago in general this was just the stuff i noticed as i was watching it. if you clown on this post ill end u

[shadowmooncat]

Chapter 1: Warped!

Warped!! The envoy from the Dark abyss!

*there is only darkness from the start. A voice growls as it speaks to another*

????: Ozowa!! Ozowa: yes my lord? ???: the time is now.. we must gather the beings of the four dimensions! Ozowa: at your will my lord.. ???: snatch them from the points in time and bring them to Allonwold! Ozowa: yes.. I shall. ???: from there I will watch as they fight to go home..

*starting off in a forest, Blade, and Elenel are resting around a pond. The only peace they have had in such a long time before moving on to the next lands.* Blade: ...ahh. wish we could stay like this forever.. right El? *he looks around as she doesnt speak* Blade: hey? Elenel!? *she is focused on the water looking at the fish. Elenel waves her fingers in the water as the smaller fish follow. A small smile comes on her face as they match every movement. Blade stands behind her as she looks to him* *he sighs* Blade: Elenel.. i swear id never find you if you didnt say anything.. ah.. *he notices the fish jumping in the water* Blade: you hungry? *she blinked staring to him blankly then closed her eyes as her stomach grumbled* Blade: yeah.. your hungry.. well then.. *moving next to her he picked up a small grass bit and formed a blade from it. He then clenched it in his teeth and dived in. She blinked as water splashed onto her and he dived deep in the darkest part of the water. Looking around he searched for the biggest fish in the water not knowing he was being followed. Finally seeing one he rushed forward at quick speeds and pierced it with his blade of grass. He smiled grabbing it but blinked suddenly as a giant alligator snapped at him.* *Blade: bawwarhahhgh!* *he yelped pulling back as the gator swam after him. the water splashed above as Elenel looked on slightly confused. In the water blade pulled away dodging each snap of the gators jaws and suddenly was cornered at the end of the pond. The gator started to swim faster and charged with its mouth open but blade smirked and at the last moment dodged its jaws once more only for it to hit the rock. Taking advantage of this, Blade rushed forward and wrapped himself around it. It wriggeled trying to wrestle free but Blade quickly snapped its neck. He smiled thinking of the meal it would make and slowly rose up to the top.* *peeking up and gasping for air he looked to the shore* Blade: Elenel! hey! guess what! I got something..... *She froze looking at the tall figure behind her. A tall red beast with large red horns and a long white beard with a skull necklace stood in front. The figure weilded a giant blade and stared to them with a menacing look. Blade quickly pounced out of the water and moved in front of Elenel grabbing a small piece of metal from his pocket in his pants he formed a blade glaring to it* Blade: what the hell are you!? Stay back! Ozowa: Tarkgets Identified.. *Blade shivered a bit and looked to his arm* Blade: what.. wat the... *his arm suddenly came apart into pieces fading away as red light* Blade: ahh! ..AHhh!! Elenel: Blade!! *she moved toward him only to find herself as well fading into the red light. Blade growled and pulled back to her as she nodded and formed a barrier around them. Suddenly they started to reform much to Ozowa's surprise.*

Ozowa: their... resissting.. *he lowered his sword as it slammed into the ground shaking everything even the trees. Birds fled as the area became tense with auras flowing out from him* Ozowa: damage.. to the shield will let them shift.. *he rose his blade and slashed. Knowing he couldnt block it. Blade pushed Elenel back as she fell onto the water encased in her shield. The attack smashed and split the ground in two causing worms and creatures of the deep to crawl out in a panic. Blade rushed at Ozowa and slashed his arm only for the attack to phase through. Shocked he pulled away confused. Ozowa turned his blade and swiped sending a red energy at Blade. Blade dodged it but his arm was split. He yelled and pulled back then kneeled holding it as it bled out* Blade: s-sso much... power... what is this thing?... its not.. it cant be part of the kingdoms can it?! *Elenel yelled to him worried as he looked to her shaking his head* Blade: i-ill be okay... just dont let your shield down.. Ozowa: tarkget is ready.. moving to next one.. Blade: you wont do a thing! ill kill you! *Ozowa turned to Elenel and rose his sword to crush her barrier. Blade rushed at him forming a blade from his own blood and was able to pierce Ozowa's leg. This made his attack shift slightly as the blade crashed down and cracked the lands beside Elenel. Below her the pond was split in tow and the fish were flailing as they flapped dying while the water floors creatures fled. The dead gator was split through as well from the attack. Elenel looked on in horror at the sight of it all* Ozowa: ..ive been damaged?.. very...powerful master.. ????: enough... ill handle this myself then Ozowa. Return to me! *the voice boomed all around them as blade looked on along with Elenel.* Blade: whose that!? what the hell do you want?! show yourself! *suddenly he gasped feeling a dark shadowy hand grab his neck from behind. He gasped trying to look but was shocked seeing a dark vortex with eyes red peering back at him pulling him in* Blade: grrk! ungh!... n...what.!? *Elenel gasped and rushed toward him releasing her barrier. Blade choked as he reached his hand out to her. Before she could reach him however she was pulled by her hair. She screamed as another hand from a vortex behind her pulled her into the darkness* Elenel: blaade... blaaade... blaaaaaaade!! *she started to vanish as Blade began losing consiousness and was pulled in blacking out* **&***#&*#*&*#*&*# *Blade awoke quickly sitting up and rose his arm readying to fight. Surprised he looked seeing his arm had been reformed* Blade: what... is... huh! *he looked around seeing meteors in the sky and dimensions above him. Far in front was a dark castle in the mist of it. He blinked and looked* Blade: that.. place looks.. scary... ahhH! *suddenly hands grabbed him from behind and as he moved to see who it was he blinked as Elenel embraced him tearfully. He shivered a bit and held her hands around him smiling* Blade: Elenel!.. I thought I lost you... im so glad.. Elenel: Blade...wah.. scary place.. *he nodded* Blade: your right about that... *with her at his side he stood up and looked around* Blade: but.. where are we?...

TO BE CONTINUED!!

Next TIme!!! *A female has them cornered.. her mission unkown.. she readies to fight* ????: Targets found.. Hisao: what the heck is this thing!? Its not human.. *Asuga growled appearing* Asuga: this thing is strong! nothing we do can faze it! why!? *Yuhiko moved next to Hisao huffing* Yuhiko: all of our attacks.. are going through it.. ???: your not even putting up a fight.. accept the gift that our master has given you.. Hisao: master? wha!? *Ihgi appears beside Yuhiko* Ihgi: here she comes again! *the figure rushes at them with red eyes and a grin as it all fades into black*

[thehappymessproject]

81/100 - Giving ourselves focus and love by choosing one word for the year

This is very exciting for me to write about : I’ve never really done it. 

A little bit more than five years ago, I just had discovered the incredible work of Dr. Brene Brown on vulnerability and courage, and it simply blew my mind. I felt like I was reading about one of the most important things I could ever educate myself on. 

The books and her TED talks already had changed my daily life in subtle touches, but I wanted more. I also knew I needed more. I was afraid to forget about it in the next few months and hated the thought. So, I took some time to reflect, and over a couple of weeks, came to a big decision (especially for me who used to be commitment phobic in so many ways).

I would spend a year learning courage.

It became one of the most exciting years of my life. For me, learning how to be brave was essentially about saying yes to a lot of things I would have usually say no to out of fear, and no to a lot of things that would bring me comfort in the moment, but preventing me to do things that really mattered to me in the long run. 

I tried out a lot of activities I had never tried, but felt curious about like climbing, sewing, baking pastries... 

I paid a lot of attention to those moments where I would feel afraid, ashamed or uncomfortable, and pushed myself to be brave in my way of dealing with them. 

Choosing to tell a friend that I was feeling hurt and set a boundary rather than silencing myself in hope it doesn’t happen anymore. 

When really down, channelling more energy to do anything that would bring myself self-loving comfort rather numbing comfort. 

Breaking off relationships that felt depleting to me.

It was a tiring year, sure. But it was also one of the most empowering ones. Each time I would choose the brave path instead of the comfortable one, I would feel stronger and more centred. Embodying the experience of bravery, training those courage muscles. 

I realised at the end of the year, when I was feeling really sad about seeing what I called my brave year coming to a year, that I didn’t want to give it up, but I also didn’t want to repeat it as is either. I also noticed that overall, being brave for me had a lot to do with exploring my creativity. 

So I decided to make the next year my creative year. I had so much fun! 

I started taking way more photos, tried to learn guitar and piano for a while, spent a few months sewing like a crazy person, I wrote more that year than in the decade before, and towards the third trimester of my year devoted to creativity, started to paint with watercolours and do the lettering you can now see on my artsy Instagram account. 

Both activities were those bringing me the most joy while allowing me to let my guard down : when painting, I was less attacked by the voices in my head trying to bring me down and discourage me. (ah, the joy of defence mechanisms bullying us...) I was finding more easily ways to bypass them than in any other setting. 

I noticed that creating (and doing anything that mattered to me in my life) was only possible for me when I would take good care of myself. When I would commit to loving myself everyday by showing up. But self-care was so hard for me... 

So... Yeah you guessed it, I took my practice to a new ground by declaring the following year my self-care year. 

I had just discovered the existence of the Find what feels good channel on Youtube a few weeks before, I had ended my creative year with The artist’s way, a 8 weeks program using Julia Cameron’s wonderful book to discover or recover our inner artist, which had taught me how to journal in a way that would connect myself to my heart better than ever. And I had dabbled for a few years on and off with meditation. I had all the tools lying before me already. 

As often when we live an intentional life, the Universe (or call it luck if you’re more comfortable) was helping in subtle ways that can only be noticed when we pay attention to the opportunities we are presented with, and allow ourselves to take them. 

So I did just that. I finally found the courage to take better care of myself and making it a priority. That year was full of softness and whole heartedness. It felt like discovering the essence of who I was. 

Since I was struggling with commitment (still), I focused on one self-loving activity at the time. A few weeks mostly meditating. A few weeks mostly doing yoga. A few weeks getting back to journaling. I thought I could choose which activity I would keep, but realised they all were giving me so much, and yet so differently that I wanted to keep them all. 

I would still create more and more, and take my work as a psychologist to another level, and was struggling to make everything fit in my daily time. Now that I knew better what kind of life I wanted, I felt stuck at making it work as a whole.

So I dedicated last year to finding Balance. I loved it so much. It was like deepening everything I had built in the previous three years. The courage, the creative energy and the love. 

It taught me how to be more flexible and finding way to make things stick, one step at a time, one day at a time and to honour my pace. I set up a few challenges to help on the way. Strengthened my morning routine that felt easier and more necessary than an evening one (currently working on that). 

I explored how my love for art, psychology and writing could be intertwined. It felt like coming home to myself. 

This “year” actually took a little bit more time. I used to choose my word of the year at the end of summer. But last September, I felt stuck. I had just moved to the other side of the globe (another marvellous consequence of all that personal inner journey), felt completely thrown out of balance and quite depleted. 

Then, a few weeks ago, after a few months finding my footing back, it was suddenly obvious. What I struggled with and had to practice the most lately was letting go : finding ways to trust myself, my intuition and the process. I’d say in short : trusting the universe and finding the flow. 

So this year will be my year of flow.

I started by deciding that my practice could now fit better at the beginning of the year rather the school year, the end of the year being a perfect time to reflect and gather our bearings, taking stock. 

When I’m down, finding flow is about giving myself the time and space necessary to heal, letting go of the shoulds and musts. 

When I’m really happy, it’s more about finding pace, not over doing it. 

It is already teaching me how to let go of things, people and spaces that were really important at a time, but became depleting over time. I have never ever felt as free and can’t wait to see more of what this year is going to teach me. 

Choosing one word to devote every year to has with no doubt changed my whole life from the inside out. Like a soothing lighthouse in the dark, it gives me a focus point to always rely on. 

I am never feeling like time passed by without my awareness anymore, being intentional makes time pass more slowly and mindfully. It is helping me to remind myself over and over what is important, and what gets in the way and distract me. It is teaching me more about myself than I ever felt possible. It is allowing me to create the life I really want. 

If reading that essay inspired you to find your own word, I would love nothing more than to know which one you chose and maybe why f you would feel comfortable sharing. 

Here are a few questions that can help to start : What are you feeling like you lack of? What would your ideal 2019 be devoted to? What is preventing you from living your best life right now?

Write your answers down and any word that come up too : it will help you a lot to make it real, tangible. The right one for you will spark something in your body when you write it or if you start making art around it. Let yourself feel it, and trust it. Your heart knows.

See you soon,  Love,  L. 

[or-something-better]

May 27, 2022

5/27/22

Henry

is moping around the empty bunker,  crying and talking to myself. Crashes on the couch throwing my dagger open in the air

Ruby

Popping into the bunker, I see Henry talking to himself. "What's up Henry?"

Henry

glances at Ruby It's empty. No sissy and no dad. I don't like being alone

Ruby

I go over to him. “I understand. But Sam and I may have come up with something to get everyone back, but I’m going to need your help. Do you think you can do that?”

Henry

catches my knife before it goes into the couch. Gets up for a hug  “ where going?” gets my bag from the car

Ruby

“Great. I need to get a few things first. Why don’t you go grab your gear while I do that?”

Leaving Henry to gather his stuff, I head for the artifact room. Luckily Sam and I had recently come across the item I needed, and I knew just where to find it. Locating it, I put it in my satchel and headed for the med bay. Searching the drawers and cabinets, I find what I think I will need and head for the map room after putting these in the satchel as well.

Henry

garbs my stuff and heads to the map room wiping my tears

Ruby

Once I’m back in the map room, I give Henry a hug "We've got this!" I reassure him. I call on Mrs. Butters for help. “Mrs. Butters? Are you here? We need your help.”

Henry

“I hope so it's too quiet even for me who likes quiet”

Mrs butters

a green mist slowly turns into the figure you recognize ruby, Henry… where is everyone else? Dean? Alex? Donna? Gabe?

Dean

I appear in my room looking around. Something feels different. I am me....but I feel like I’m missing something... Passing the mirror in my room... No shadow. son of a bitch! Really??? I head to the door and reach for the door handle then brace myself and just walk through it kinda surprised it actually worked, I go through the bunker looking around I see henry and ruby and stop and stand back in a corner watching noticing things still seem odd where the hell is everyone? I stand back watching knowing I Cant be seen unsure exactly why

Ruby

I tell Mrs Butters the events. “Short version is Charlie had her heart ripped out by Klaus. Donna and Dean were turned into vampires and then compelled to walk into the sun.  Gabe vanished taking Klaus with him.”

Henry

“I somehow survived “

Ruby

I give him another hug.

Henry

hugs back

Ruby

“Sam and I were working on something that we thought might bring them back. Nothing concrete yet. But almost.”

Mrs butters

Oh dear… looking shocked I was supposed To protect them…

Ruby

"We couldn't do anything. That's the infuriating part."

Henry

makes my teacup telekinesis fly to me. Grabs it and sips out of it

Mrs butters

I failed them…

Henry

“they were too powerful even for Gabe and donna”

Mrs butters

I’m so sorry I wasn’t there to help…

Ruby

"If I can find what I need, Sam and I might be able to find a way to bring them back."

Henry

“We need to bring all of them back, Gabe, Donna, Alex, dean, Charlie “

Mrs butters

perking up a bit there’s definitely a way… but it’s strong magic….and requires two hunters…. And we only have one dear boy left…. looking at Henry

Ruby

"What about Alex?"

Dean

as I listen to everything what the hell did she just say???? What the hell? Back wait... Klaus killed all of us??? No ... anger begins boiling up inside me, I start pacing the bunker trying to figure out how to get enough energy to get their attention to let them know I am there

Mrs butters 

Alex?! She’s ok?!? She could definitely help!

Henry

“What?!” turns to look at them

Ruby

"I think she's at her cabin with the kids. I'm sure she'd want to help.It’s the best we can do right now. Let’s go get Alex and go from there. Henry, Mrs. Butters and I pop over to a clearing near Alex’s cabin. “I need to do a locator spell to find the cabin. Can you help me, Henry?”

Henry

“ Yes, I can what do you need to do?”

Dean

hearing bears name no you cant use her.... She’s about to pop any damn day now.... No no no absolutely fucking not! Come on Dean figure this out throw something do something damnit! trying to concentrate as I’ve done in the past

Ruby

I take out the ingredients I will need for the spell as well as my spell book and my casting bowl. I turn to Henry. “Henry, can you hand me what I need when I ask for it?”

Henry

“sure”  sits beside her

Ruby

Setting everything in front of him, the rosemary, rue, yarrow, basil and mug wort, I tell Henry “Everything is in order from right to left. Just hand me the items when I call for it.” I seat myself before the bowl and concentrate. “Invoco spiritus ut me deducant in inquisitione mea” I hold out my hand to Henry. “The first three please.”

Henry

telekinesis them over to her as I don't trust my shaky hands

Dean

I manage to throw a glass as it shatters against the wall as they all disappear DAMNIT!

Ruby

Taking the, I place them in the bowl and using a pestle, crush them.

“Adiuva me locare casulam quae tenet hominem quem quaero.”

“Now the last two herbs” I tell Henry

Henry

does the same with the last 2

Ruby

Taking them, I add them to the bowl and mix them together.

“Illumina viam meam ut inveniam quem quaero”

I look up and see fairy lights making a path into the woods.

Mrs butters

taking a small wooden box out of my pocket I walk towards ruby and pass it to her

Ruby

Confused, I look up at Mrs. Butters and take the box.

Mrs butters 

I know this spell, it will only work once…. Inside this box is something Cuthbert designed…. It’s meant to bring back a man of letters… but only once…. After that, it will be useless…. Let’s save it in case your spell isn’t enough.::. And who do we even save first?

Dean

Pacing around the bunker getting more pissed as the energy builds bulbs begin breaking in the map room I’m freakin stuck here. Nobody knows it.... Their all dead... Gabe gone... What the hell man??? You let Klaus fuckin beat you man?? SERIOUSLY??? books fly off the shelves in the library littering the floor, and pictures in the map room crash to the floor

Henry

looks at the fairy lights

Ruby

Thinking, I tell her "Charlie. I think Charlie would be the best to help us with the others. That’s step one. Shall we go find Alex?”

Mrs butters

Let’s go find who we have left.

Henry

“that will be best” gets up off the floor

Ruby

Following the lights, we go into the woods until we come upon a cabin. The lights are on inside.

Henry

goes up to the door and knocks

Ruby

Standing back, I watch Henry. The door opens.

Henry

“Should we go in?”

Ruby

Olivia answers the door and sees Henry.

Dean

keep thinking about everything trying to remember anything I may be able to remember before I found myself here. Klaus... Sam....henry.... Char... Gabe and everyone had left us helpless... Klaus gave them no options... Then he came back... Anything beyond that....gone SON OF A BITCH! glass in the tv shatters as the tv explodes from the energy surge

Mrs butters

walking in behind I see Olivia come outside

Charlie

I think that’s a sign we should

Henry

crutches to her level “ is your mom home”

Alex

Olivia yeah  my mom in room bawling out crying

Mrs butters 

I nod to ruby  let’s go

Ruby: "May we see her?"

Alex

I hear voice I get up sniff out my room and I open door and I saw ruby and Mrs butter and Henry Henry? Mrs butter? Ruby? Wha …what you doing here? voice breaking

Ruby

Following Olivia inside, I can see Alex “I’m so sorry Alex. Know how upset you are.”

Henry

hugs her and gives you cookies on a rescue mission to bring everyone back to life

Mrs butters 

Alex! You’re ok! I go over to hug her

Alex

sniff thanks Henry and can you and take Olivia outside playing I don’t get to hear this Olivia I have something to show you outside

Henry

“sure it’s been awhile “  follows Olivia

Ruby

I let Mrs. Butters tell Alex why we're here.

Alex

Hugs I ok I heartbroken I feel broke down bec….because I watch Klaus rip Charlie heart out and and I starting to crying Donna is gone and I bawling Olivia point I have see a deer and they are cool

Henry

“yes they are “ smiles while looking to where she’s pointing

Alex

Olivia smiles I like it here so nice here

Ruby

Alex, we've come to you to get your help. We think we may have a way to bring the others back. Mrs. Butters, Sam and I may have an idea."

Henry

“peaceful too”

Dean

pacing still my anger building unsure of if Gabe is even alive or dead too and not knowing about Klaus and that group of misfit original vamps, wanting revenge, unsure of anything and pissed I’m once again left helpless in this damn bunker, my anger feeding off all the energy I can draw in the bunker, I hear appliances flying off the counters in the kitchen, and the chairs at the map table fly slamming against the wall DAMNIT DEAN! GET A GRIP. YOU CANT DO ANYTHING so trashing the bunker wont solve anything! knowing all I can do is wait things out I try to stop

Alex

I look over how…..how? they are gone but I can help I sniff

Ruby

"If you can come back with us to the Bunker, I think we can begin seeing what we can do to get them back. You and Olivia could stay at the bunker for a few day while we work on it."

Alex

I frown I remember the flash back when Klaus rip Charlie heart out and Donna gone and I blink I took a deep breath I know I don’t want to but I am in I can help get them back I sniff Gabe vanish I don’t know where he went

Henry

plays with Oivila

Alex

Olivia I love cookies my favorite is chocolate chip

Ruby

Mrs. Butters said she might have an idea but needed 2 hunters to do it. Henry is the only one at the bunker. That leaves you. Can you help us?"

Henry

“I will make sure I bake you lots of them” gently smiles at her

Alex

Yeah I can help I am in

Ruby

"Great!"

Mrs butters 

Cuthbert taught me some magic … dark magic but I’m this case it can be used for good

Alex

Olivia yes! And I can keep it in treehouse I can eat it alone all to me

Ruby

I think we'll take what we can get at this point."

Henry

giggles “ sure I already gave your mom some already”

Alex

Olivia smiles giggle

Ruby

"Can I help with anything you want to take with you and Olivia?" I ask Alex

Henry

watches her

Alex

Yeah she can come with me she always stay by my side

Olivia? Henry? Olivia hear her mom call and she run

Henry

“Yes Alex?”  looks over at Alex

Alex

I going pack Olivia and I bag and we going to the bunker

Mrs butters

smiling at Olivia

Alex

Olivia pack her bag and I pack her bag and I took a deep breath

Henry

lays on the ground enjoying the sun

Alex

Olivia look around my doll? Where my doll Olivia look around

Dean

I manage to calm thinking about the kids, I make myself transport and appear in Alex’s house watching them get ready and hear you asking about her doll and I see it and use the energy in the house to float it to her with a note on it. The note reads uncle Dean

Mrs butters 

I watch the doll and point out the note to Alex

Alex

I look over and I pick up paper I read said dean I tear up dean? I sniff

Henry

looks up at the mention of dean pie lover?

Mrs butters

Dean?? It’s a sign he hasn’t left! turning to ruby we have some work to do

Ruby

"Dean? Here? How is that possible?"

Henry

starts to tear up again

Dean

I watch everyone and disappear back to the bunker thinking about Liv but happy to see that Alex and liv are ok

Mrs butters

He’s always been all about the family ….

Alex

I nod show paper to ruby and Mrs butter and Henry Olivia mom I all ready to go

Ruby

"Let's do it." I pop the group back to the map room. Seeing a note on the table, I pick it up and read it out loud. I had to go away for a while. I’m going to try to locate someone I know that might be able to help. Hold everyone together until I get back. Sam” 

“That’s Sam. Short and sweet and lacking on details.” I say smiling and shaking my head. I take the note. That explains why he isn’t here.

Alex

Olivia hold mom hand Sam? How is he doing?

Mrs butters 

nodding I head towards Deans’ room in search of something that might hold a bit of his DNA, within a few moments I find his comb and I bring it out to the others

Ruby

“He’s hurting like everyone else. He just lost his entire family.”

Henry

“how do we bring them back?”

Alex

I frown nod

Mrs butters 

I believe ruby has the spell… I have enough magic to aid her in completing it…. It’s going to take a lot out of us both…. looking around at the busted glass of the tv  looks like dean is finding some strength…: so I’ll use some of mine to help save him

Ruby

"You think he's here?"

Mrs butters 

closing my eyes I know he is… I can feel him here somewhere….

Dean

book floats the air and taps Ruby in the head and lands on the map table

Henry

“I do feel a cold spot”

Ruby

"Ouch! Ok, ok. We are going to need something of his."

Mrs butters 

I pass you a comb that still has some of Deans hair in it

Ruby

"I see where you're going with this. Henry, can you fill the tub for me?” Taking the comb, I head for the bathroom.

Henry

turns the bathtub on

Ruby

Taking a small dagger and crystal bowl from my satchel, turning to Alex and Henry, I explain. “I’m going to need a couple of drops of blood from each of you, if you’ll let me.”

Henry

hands her my arm

 Alex

Nod yep Hand out

Ruby

I hand Alex the dagger first. "I just need a couple of drops in the bowl."

Alex

I cut and I drop couple blood

Ruby

"You're next Henry"

Henry

hands her my arm

Ruby

Taking the knife from Alex, I take Henry's finger and pierce the end. Squeezing it I let two drops of blood fall into the bowl.

Ruby

Piercing my own finger with the dagger, I add a few drops of my own blood into the bowl, and recite the incantation:

“Dea, Hecate, haec tibi dono pro tuo auxilio.Ostende mihi quid opus sit ut sciam.”

 “Put the comb in the water, Henry.”

Dean

watching everything but also trying to use the energy to appear at least a little to them but it still not working

Henry

drops the comb into water

Ruby

Mixing the drops of blood together, I dip the bowl into the water, letting the water wash it into the tub, then look at Mrs. Butters.

Mrs butters

concentrating hard I close my eyes until the entire room is filled with a bright green light and then I sit on the floor breathless and blinded

Henry

closes my eyes

Ruby

Going over to her, I check on her to see if she's alright.

Alex

I took a deep breath and close my eye

Dean

I watch myself appear in full body and walk into the kitchen coming back Where the hell is the damn pie around here? looking at everyone half smiling

Mrs butters 

breathing but weak I hear another set of footsteps

Charlie

Dean!

Ruby

Turning and seeing Dean, alive again, brings a smile to my face. Sam is going to be thrilled!

Alex

I open my eye dean! I hugs sobbing

Henry

Dean!! yells and attack hugs

Mrs butters

grinning at ruby we did it! It worked!

Alex

Olivia run zoom uncle Dean! Olivia tackle hugs

Dean

I hug you back as I get attack hugged by Henry and almost fall over hey bear. Hey kid-- doo fall to the ground as Olivia tackles me

Alex

Olivia smiles I miss you I wipe my tear Dean I so glad you are back

Charlie

thunder starts to rumble and lightning is flashing and the rain starts to pound on the roof of the bunker

Alex

Who next?

Henry

cries  don't you ever leave me again. I will bake pie later”

Alex

I gasp that sounds not good

Dean

laughing I miss you guys to baby girl hearing the thunder storm outside that definitely isn’t a good sign

Henry

“yeah that's not good maybe a storm coming”

Alex

I agree

Mrs Butters 

Do you think it might be Gabe?

Ruby

whispering softly to myself, it sounds like the gods are definitely angry.

Alex

I think it Gabe

Mrs Butters

Donna was pregnant wasn’t she…??

Charlie

What about Klaus? What happened with him?

Henry

“dad took him when he left”

Dean

That would be a hell of a lot of power to combine especially if they fight each other

Alex

I look over dean at that night Donn….Donna got turn and walk into sun I start to cry

Dean

Klaus..... the memory before whatever happened to me vaguely coming back he made her didn’t he?

Ruby

“Yes. And after Klaus killed Charlie, Gabe, with Klaus inside him, left. We haven’t seen or heard from him since. We don’t really know what happened.”

Alex

Nod he did Donna die

Henry

“and I ran till it was safe to come back to bunker. I don't remember how I survived but I did”

Dean

Wait.... He fucking killed Charlie???? We have to bring her back....NOW. Lets move

Henry

nods sadly

Alex

I sniff Klaus rip Charlie's heart out front of us

Dean

looking at everyone why is nobody moving??? Bring her the hell back!

Mrs Butters

Archnephilims…. Those babies may not be done yet… they’re even more powerful than their father …

Alex

I smiles what about Gabe?

Dean

Wouldnt they have burned with donna? But do something now bring Charlie back like you just did me! What do you mean

Mrs butters

They don’t develop like normal babies…. Completely celestial bodies until birth…. They didn’t have a body yet to destroy… and they’re fiercely protective of their momma…

Henry

listens and tries not to cry again

Alex

Smiles what about Gabe?

Dean

If he shuts off angel radio again like the stubborn ass that he is there’s no reaching him!

 Alex

I frown

Dean

Hey Ruby you got any way to find his sorry ass?

Ruby

“If he’s on Earth or in Hell I think I can find him. But if he’s in Heaven…” I look at him, “there isn’t  anything I can do.”

Mrs butters  

I’ll help however I can…

Henry

“can you at least search for dad?”  using my puppy eyes

Ruby

“Of course Henry. I’ll do everything I can.”

Dean

Well we aren't getting anywhere standing here talking about it

Mrs Butters 

First Charlie… we could use her brains

Charlie

We need to do some planning… Ruby hold on to that device … we will need it for Charlie

Ruby

“Right. We’ll need to make some plans to get Charlie back, but if you’re willing to help with your knowledge and powers…we have to try.” Sitting down at the map table, I take out a notebook and, with Mrs. Butters. “Let’s get started, shall we?”

Dean

Then there's that Definitely bring her back do some more of that damn magic....simple

Mrs Butters 

I’ll make some tea and we can get to work…

 Alex

Alright let do this

 Dean

Who needs tea? Where’s the beer?

Alex

I will have tea

Mrs Butters 

walks over to hug dean good to have you back, and I’ll bring you a beer

Dean

hugs you back and smile it’s good to be back looking around at the place oops

I may have lost my temper a bit

Henry

I will have tea also thanksMrs Butters 

I’ll take care of that heads into the kitchen for tea and beer then sits next to ruby let’s fix our family

Alex

Olivia sit with her mom and cuddle I will have a tea I smiles

Dean

take the beer opening it cheers. To getting our family back in one piece

Charlie

to be continued

……………………………………………

1. Henry is moping around an empty bunker talking to himself out loud when Ruby poofs in. She tells Henry that she and Sam came up with a plan to bring everyone back but that she will need Henry’s help. Henry agrees and packs a bag, while Ruby goes into the artifact room and then to med bay to gather some items she thinks she may need. Once they are ready, they go into the map room where Ruby summons Mrs. Butters.

2. Mrs. Butters questions where everyone is and lists them by name… Ruby and Henry fill her in on what happened to each of them and Mrs butters is distraught. After a few moments Ruby is able to explain that she thought there might be a way to bring them back. Mrs butters says there is but it requires a lot of magic and the blood of two hunters… but they’d only be able to get one. Understanding the three get ready to go find Alex.

3. The three poof to a wooded clearing with the help of Ruby. Ruby gets out her spellbook and a wooden bowl. Henry starts sitting out ingredients as Ruby lists them off and Mrs butters pulls a small box out of her pocket and Ruby looks at her confused. Mrs butters explains what is in the box, and Ruby pockets it for later.

4. With the spell book Ruby continues and does a strong locator spell, a path is lit through the woods, Henry is amazed at what he’s seeing and Ruby smiles at him saying that step one is done, and they follow the light into the woods until they find a small cabin, the lights are on, and Henry asks what they are doing here. Mrs butters just points as she sees Olivia run outside the house to play.

5. Smiling the three go inside the cabin and meet up with Alex who is inconsolable about the loss of everyone. Ruby and Mrs butters quiet her down while Henry entertains the kids. Ruby and Mrs butters tell Alex they’ve possibly found a way to bring the family back but it was going to take some work and they needed her help. Alex is reluctant because Gabe just vanished and she didn’t think they could do anything about that.

6. Mrs butters grins and says they may not have to. One step at a time. Reluctantly Alex packs up and heads to the bunker with the kids and Henry and Ruby and Mrs butters.  Olivia runs around to grab a few things (dean is a ghost and is watching all of this) and she can’t find her favorite doll when it floats to her, with a piece of paper that says “dean” Alex takes the paper and tears up again. Mrs butters says that it’s a sign that he hasn’t left, and they had work to do.

7. Arriving back at the bunker there’s a note on the table from Sam. Ruby reads it aloud and explains why he isn’t there. Alex asks how he’s been doing and Ruby shares while she starts to gather the ingredients. Mrs butters comes out from Deans room with his comb, that still had some hairs in it. Ruby takes it and they head into the bathroom where Henry fills the tub with water. Ruby takes a blade from her bag and explains to Alex and Henry she needs a bit of blood from each. They solemnly agree and Ruby adds some of her own as well, and says a few words. Henry drops deans comb into the water. When they are finished Mrs butters concentrates as a mist of green descends over the room and fills with light.

8. The team stands there with their eyes shut as they hear a familiar voice say “can someone get me some pie?” Alex and Henry both screech and run over to hug dean as Olivia runs into the room and tackles dean. Ruby and Mrs butters smile at each other excited that it worked.  Alex asks who’s next, as a huge storm seems to fall just over the bunker.  Dean and Henry both comment on how that may not be a great sign. Alex agrees and asks if the others think it’s Gabe.

9. Mrs Butters remembers that Donna was pregnant and asks what happened with Klaus. Henry tells her that Gabe took him along when he left. Dean says that’s a lot of power to combine, especially if they’re fighting one another. Alex relays the story to dean about what happened that final night with Donna and Ruby tells him about Charlie and how Gabe left. Dean reacts and says they need to bring back Charlie. Mrs butters says the babies may still be able to do something yet, when dean asks her to explain.

10. Alex is happy about what Mrs butters shared, but asks about Gabe. Dean says that if he’s shut off angel radio that he will be impossible to reach and asks Ruby if she can do anything. Ruby says if he’s on earth or in hell she can find him but if he’s in heaven there won’t be anything they can do. Henry asks if she’s willing to search. Mrs butters offers to help. Ruby says they’ll need to make some plans and get Charlie back but she’s game and they sit down to make some plans

[phandomsecretvalentines]

Tell Me Everything Will Be Alright

This is my fic (and my first phanfic wow) for the 2018 Phandom Secret Valentines, and my valentine is @citrouillephan!

I hope you enjoy!   -from your valentine, @realityfallsapart

tags: fluff, angst, 2009 AU

words: 4.7k

Summary: Dan Howell tends to get lost in his head and his thoughts have a habit of ruling him even when he doesn’t want them to. When he and his best friend finally have a chance at meeting, Dan starts to wonder if he is actually good enough for the amazing human being that is Phil Lester.

(ao3 link)

(Thank you so much to @moonbeamphan for reading this over and helping me! This wouldn’t be as good without you!)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dan typed his answer and sent it by hitting enter before leaning back in his chair and letting out a shaky breath that seemed to rattle his insides. His laptop chirped quietly, announcing that Phil had replied to him. He couldn’t bring himself to look at it right away. Finally, after a few moments, he flicked his eyes down to the white screen of the computer in his lap where Phil’s most recent message seemed to glare up at him.

  Phil :) (9:47 PM)

i know!

i can’t believe it either!

For a few moment, Dan could do nothing but stare at the screen; at the black words disrupting the artificial white light. It was the only thing that gave Dan any sort of illumination in his room; everything else was dark. He bit his lip and thought about the possible pros and cons of shutting his laptop and burying his head under his duvet to pretend that everything was fine because it was. It’s all fine.

Dan shook his head and reached his hands down to the keyboard. He wouldn't—couldn’t—do that to Phil. Phil deserved so much better than that. His numb fingers typed out a small sentence, only realizing that it had several typos until after he had sent it. He mentally kicked himself for it.

  Dan ^-^ (9:51 PM)

Me niether! it seems like thsi would n e v e r happen!

**neither, this

Jeez i can spell

Phil :) (9:51 PM)

idk dan are you sure you can def spell? those seem like some pretty beginner mistakes…

  Dan knew Phil was kidding. He knew that it was just Phil playing around with Dan like they normally did. Like they had been doing for months at this point. But in Dan’s heightened state of anxiety and stress, he couldn’t help but berate himself further. God, Phil must think of him as a kid now, he can’t even spell right!

Dan crashed back into his mattress, groaning and squeezing his eyes shut.

“Stupid, stupid, stupid….” he muttered, hitting his forehead with his hand with every word.

Looking back on this moment, Dan would laugh and realize how utterly idiotic his anger with himself was coming from, but right now, in bed with the lights off and by himself, he couldn’t help but magnify the issue. He had been anxious and stressed without a pause this entire week.

He looked up at his ceiling, sighing in growing frustration towards himself, but it wasn’t just because of his inability to catch his typos. In fact, it had nothing to do with them. The typos had just tipped him right over the edge and all of his insecurities crashed over him like waves, his head nearly going under the tide.

To say he wasn’t good enough was an understatement. To say that Phil deserved a much better best friend than Dan was even more of one. Phil was older, more experienced, more mature, funny, smart, kind, and extremely compassionate. He had a great time making pretty successful and entertaining videos (at least in Dan’s opinion, and he would always fight anyone who said otherwise) on the side, on top of balancing life. Dan was younger, so much more less experienced with everything, he got overwhelmed with life and spent the majority of his time curled up under his covers surfing through the waves of his latest existential crisis or playing PC video games that he would forget about within the next 24 hours. He was purgatory in the form of a human and an incredibly underwhelming one at that.

He wasn’t sure how long exactly he laid there, stewing in his self-deprecation and wishing that he was better. Better in literally every aspect, maybe then he would finally be worth Phil’s time, if only a little bit. His computer chirped again, and then twice more minutes later in rapid succession, as if angry. Dan grasped for the thing, pulling it up to his chest, lacking the energy to sit back up.

  Phil :) (10:07 PM)

Dan you know im joking right?

Phil :) (10:16 PM)

Dan? you still there? i was joking i promise you can make all the typos you want

u didnt fall asleep did you?

  Dan couldn’t help the watery smile that turned the corners of his mouth up, albeit it being a small one. Phil had that effect on him even if Dan was falling apart on the inside. Just a little though, he was fine.

  Dan ^-^ (10:18 PM)

nooo im not sleeping

Phil :) (10:18 PM)

:(

Dan ^-^ (10:19 PM)

why the frowny face

Dan tried to keep the fear out of his thoughts but the talons of doubt had already settled around his heart. Was Phil mad that he didn’t answer right away? Would-

His laptop signaled the arrival of Phil’s reply, and Dan really didn’t know if he wanted to slam the lid of his computer shut or jump at the opportunity to find out if he had just ruined the best friendship he had ever had. Ever will. He went for the latter.

(Dan supposed he might be overreacting, but then again, when wasn’t he, it seemed?)

  Phil :) (10:20 PM)

did i insult your typing skills one too many times? is that why you disapeared?

*disappeared

Dan used the best coping mechanisms for dealing with his anxiety that he knew: humor and avoidance. Together, they were a formidable force and Dan had spent a large majority of his time perfecting their potency.

  Dan ^-^ (10:20 PM)

now look who’s making the typos

Phil :) (10:20 PM)

Dan.

  He gulped. Now he had done it. Fuck. He had to fix this.

Dan ignored the roar behind his ears that seemed to be screaming that he should just ignore this all, pray that things would magically fix themselves and change the topic. That was his fear talking. His self-abandonment. His anxiety. His everything. Phil was worth so much more. So Dan pushed it all away for just long enough to reply.

  Dan ^-^ (10:21 PM)

sorry, joke

no, thats not why i ran away

i was just thinking, thats all

Phil :) (10:21 PM)

were you doing it again

  Dan tried to pretend that he didn’t know what Phil was talking about and simultaneously cursed himself for telling Phil about his increasing habit for getting lost in his thoughts. He failed. He knew exactly what Phil was talking about.

Back, about three weeks ago in a later-than-normal conversation where all of their inhibitions seemed to dissipate, Dan had finally come clean about how sometimes thoughts got the best of him. He would crumble under them, get so completely and utterly lost in his head that he would sometimes stay there for hours on end, picking apart anything that his conscience decided to dig up. And it hindered Dan, made him hate himself just that much more, made him hate how easily his anxieties held him hostage, stuck. But he couldn’t do much about it, it seemed, for whenever he got lost in his head, he always forgot that he had to get out.

Dan gulped. He had to lie his way out of this. He knew that Phil didn’t like it when Dan got stuck. He could pull off nonchalance, right?

  Dan ^-^ (10:22 PM)

no

Phil :) (10:22 PM)

im not convinced

you were werent you

Dan ^-^ (10:23 PM)

does my word not count for anything lol

Phil :) (10:24 PM)

maybe if we were talking and i could see your face it’d count

Dan ^-^ (10:24 PM)

what’s my face got to do with anything?

Phil’s bubble appeared on the screen once, twice, three times, before he apparently decided on what he was going to say and sent it. The entire time Dan was a few words away from having a breakdown. His hands were shaking. His mind was racing faster than normal. Faster than it had in what seemed like a very long time.

  Phil :) (10:26 PM)

bc then i could tell if you were lying

tho rn i dont even need that

Dan ^-^ (10:26 PM)

are u seriously saying im lying

Phil :) (10:27 PM)

yeah

you did everything that you always do when you arent telling the truth

you joked

changed / focused the conversation onto smth else

and besides

ive gathered that you really dont like to talk about the things that bother you. you like to ignore them and stuff

Dan ^-^ (10:28 PM)

so how bout we not talk about them then

Phil :) (10:29 PM)

normally, maybe

but not with this

Dan ^-^ (10:29 PM)

and why not?

Phil :) (10:29 PM)

bc i dont like it when you beat yourself up in your head

Dan ^-^ (10:30 PM)

who said i was beating myself up in my head

Phil :) (10:30 PM)

… dan :/

youre avoiding again

Dan cursed himself. God, since when could Phil read him like a book?

  Dan ^-^ (10:32 PM)

fine. maybe i am

what are you gonna do about it philly?

Phil :) (10:32 PM)

daaaaannnnnn

you arent allowed to beat yourself up

no ones allowed to

especially you!

  Dan giggled, just a little. He couldn’t help it when Phil was being…well, Phil.

  Dan ^-^ (10:33 PM)

and why not? Hmm?

Phil :) (10:34 PM)

bc youre my favorite person silly

my favorite person cant be sad. its just the rules

Dan ^-^ (10:35 PM)

oh yeah? whose rules then, oh wise philip

Phil :) (10:35 PM)

ew dont call me philip my nan calls me that

and theyre my rules

my rules for my favorite person

Dan ^-^ (10:35 PM)

suuurrreee phil. sure its a rule

*philip

Phil’s cursor didn’t appear seconds after Dan had sent his message like usual. Insead, nothing appeared. Their good-natured banter had eased the storm raging inside of Dan and his thoughts and anxieties had died down a little, much more easier to bear with the distraction Phil was giving him, but with the sudden disappearance of his best friend, they came back full force. All of his doubts spilled into the front of his conscience. He shivered. It wasn’t from the cold.

Dan watched the little digital clock at the bottom of his laptop screen count the minutes falling away. One, two, three, four, five, god did what did he do-

  Phil :) (10:41 PM)

[multimedia image: click to load]

With his heart in his throat, Dan clicked, and a small window appeared, momentarily covering their chat from Dan’s view. It was hard to make out, the quality bad and the image itself grainy and dark, but it was of a piece of paper lying atop two legs clad in bright pyjamas that Dan could immediately connect to Phil and his eccentric personality. He could make out the tip of Phil’s finger at the top of the shot, too. Squinting, he looked at the paper itself, zooming in to make out the words penned in Phil’s handwriting.

  Rules:

1. Dan Howell is my favorite person

2. No one is allowed to make fun of him

3. ESPECIALLY if that “no one” is Dan himself

Dan started to laugh. Only Phil would actually make a list of “rules”. Only Phil.

Before Dan could reply, Phil was typing again.

  Phil :) (10:43 PM)

there. proper rules written on proper paper. you have to follow them now

Dan ^-^ (10:44 PM)

i cant believe that you actually wrote rules you spork

but fine! i guess if i have to lol

Dan was still working heavily with avoiding the whole situation entirely, just like with what he was doing to the problem causing him so much stress to begin with, but he couldn’t help it. It’s just how he was.

  Phil :) (10:46 PM)

so you admit to your crimes xD

but anyways

you were stuck in your head again

which is okay, i mean, i understand that it’s something you cant help

Dan felt like he was going to cry. Phil’s assurance that Dan’s mind running in panicked circles was perfectly okay was almost too much. Phil’s compassion was almost too much.

But it appeared that Phil wasn’t done, because his laptop dinged quietly again.

  Phil :) (10:47 PM)

can i ask whats got you so sad and worried

so i can beat it up

obvs

  Now Dan really wanted to cry. How could he tell Phil that the reason was him? How could he say that the root of this ball of anxiety and stress and worrying that had taken over him was Phil himself?

He couldn’t do that to Phil, not when his best friend would undoubtedly take it hard. God, if Phil knew why Dan kept getting lost in himself, he would be crushed.

  Dan ^-^ (10:51 PM)

noooo

Phil :) (10:51 PM)

are you sure? i wont judge you dan, i swear it doesnt matter if you think i wont like it

i just wanna be here for you

If Dan wasn’t crying earlier, he was now, a few select tears dripping down his cheeks, brimming with the emotions that had been taking over him this past week. Phil was…too much. He was too kind, too sweet, too undeserving of someone like Dan. God, Phil deserved the whole world, he shouldn’t have to settle with Dan.

Another message appeared on Dan’s screen, as but this one didn’t seem like normal, it was a little off, a little rushed, a little…something. Dan couldn’t place it.

  Phil :) (10:53 PM)

bc youre my best friend.

obvs. xD

If Dan wasn’t so out of it and was able to think clearly, he might have questioned Phil’s “clarification” of why and what sense he wanted to be there for him, but Dan was not in the best state of mind and he thought nothing of it.

Dan looked at his screen again. He still had to acknowledge Phil’s question, and he wasn’t sure how to go about it. He wanted to tell Phil he already told him everything, have Phil reassure him and tell him that everything was going to be okay again, like he normally did. But Dan couldn’t. He couldn’t lie again, once was already once too many, and something told Dan that if he tried to ignore it or change the topic, Phil would just call him out again.

Fuck.

  Dan ^-^ (10:56 PM)

it doesnt matter

Phil :) (10:56 PM)

yes it does

its enough to make you get lost in that head of yours, so it matters

Dan ^-^ (10:57 PM)

phil we both know it doesnt take much for me to get lost in my thoughts

Phil :) (10:58 PM)

still

something is bothering you and i want to fix it

Dan bit his lip. God, Phil had no idea how badly he wanted to let him fix this. He couldn’t though. He just couldn’t.

  Dan ^-^ (10:58 PM)

nooo phil, you cant fix this one

Phil :) (10:58 PM)

>:(

you cant even let me try?

  Always, always, but just not with this. Dan couldn’t tell Phil this, not when it would hurt him.

  Dan ^-^ (11:00 PM)

no phil, not with this sorry :(

Phil :) (11:01 PM)

:((((

okay

i may not like it but i can respect that

will you tell me tomorrow?

Dan looked at the screen, thinking about it. Tomorrow was what he was worried about to begin with. Could he tell Phil tomorrow? He wasn’t sure. Well, it didn’t matter if things went good or not, Dan mused, tomorrow Dan’s fears would either be affirmed or destroyed.

He could only hope.

  Dan ^-^ (11:03 PM)

sure

tomorrow

Phil :) (11:03 PM)

yay!!!

  Dan laughed, breathily.

  Phil :) (11:03 PM)

oooh! look at the time!

its getting so late bear wow

guess we should get to sleep so we dont fall asleep on each other tomorrow huh? xD

  Dan’s heart physically melted at the use of Phil’s pet name for him. He only used it occasionally, but it never failed to make Dan’s heart stutter in his chest and the butterflies in his belly to flit around faster, making him feel almost giddy. Hopeful.

God he sounded so stupid right now. Anxious and stressed out of his mind yet still acting like a little kid with their first crush.

Stupid feelings.

  Dan ^-^ (11:05 PM)

yeah i guess we should!

night philly :)

Phil :) (11:05 PM)

goodnight dan!! :D

see you tomorrow!

(ps, idk whats bothering you and thats okay but i hope whatever it is it works out for you :“)  )

Ah yes. That’s what it boiled down to. Tomorrow morning Dan would board a train and take it up to Manchester to spend some time with Phil. The first time that they would see each other in real life, not just behind a computer screen. They had skyped before and texted and chatted for countless hours over countless days, but the thought of tomorrow still made Dan want to throw up.

He wasn’t good enough for Phil. He was just so terrified that tomorrow Phil would see that.

  Dan ^-^ (11:06 PM)

:)

  After hitting send Dan thrust the lid to his laptop down and pushed it off of his chest, letting it fall onto the bed. Dan felt sick again. He was so scared about tomorrow because there were so many things that could go wrong and so many flaws that Phil could discover about Dan and so many, so many, ways for what is supposed to be the best day of Dan’s life to turn out to be his worst.

God, he hated his anxiety for always picking things apart. Always fucking with Dan’s own head.

Dan rolled over and grabbed his duvet, pulling it up and wishing that it would just swallow him whole. Fuck. He couldn’t do it tomorrow. He couldn’t handle this stress.

Taking a deep breath, Dan clutched his duvet tighter in his grasp and tried to keep his lip from wobbling.

Right now he just wanted to sleep. He wanted to forget that he didn’t feel good enough, that yet again his insecurities were screwing him over, that he wanted to cry. He wanted to forget. Unfortunately for Dan the universe didn’t agree and he ended up staying awake for hours after the he had closed his laptop, the entire time doing nothing but thinking, getting lost in his head, and wishing that his thoughts would just turn off.

For once.

Please.

~~~~~~

Dan slung his bag over his shoulder. His fingers felt numb. Unlike his greatest hopes, the fitful-at-best night’s sleep did nothing to alleviate Dan’s terror. If anything, it had only magnified it because now it was today and Dan couldn’t run anymore.

He took a cab to the station, and he ended up being earlier than he needed to be, having about an extra ten minutes to wait for his train. He sat on a bench, his legs nothing but jelly at this point, his fears making it quite easy to foresee his long legs from just giving out on him. Dan didn’t want to make an embarrassment of himself on top of it all, so he tried to calm his racing heart while he sat.

With no luck.

Of course.

Dan looked down at the ticket in his hand. It would be so easy to not go. To walk right out of the station, spend the weekend at home instead of with Phil, and not risk Phil seeing how utterly underwhelming Dan was as a person. He could lie, could say that he ran late, missed his train, maybe his parents changed their minds and didn’t let Dan go.

But God, as Dan looked down at the paper in his trembling hand, he couldn’t help but know that he wouldn’t be able to actually go through with not leaving. He wouldn’t be able to lie to Phil, not about something this big—who was he kidding, he had a hard enough time lying to Phil last night over something so small!

But more than that, Dan knew that it was much more than not being able to lie to Phil. He had wanted to meet Phil ever since he had started to watch his videos, and the sentiment had only increased tenfold with their fast friendship. Phil was now much more than a hero, much more than a few minutes of distraction. He was Phil, Dan’s AmazingPhil, and he was his best friend. That lanky black-haired boy was worth so so much in Dan’s eyes, and he couldn’t, couldn’t, leave him in the dust like that. God it wouldn’t just kill Phil, but it would kill Dan too. He wouldn’t be able to live with himself.

Dan had been thinking too hard. Before he knew it the train was pulling into the station and Dan gulped, raising on still-shaky legs and gripping the strap of his bag so hard he didn’t even have to look to know that his knuckles were blotched white.

As Dan took his seat, a new resolve washed over him. He would go. He would endure this train ride that undoubtedly would be the most anxiety-inducing thing he had done in a very long time—possibly ever—and he would do it for Phil. If Phil would reject him or not, he would try not to dwell on it on the coming trip (a losing battle, Dan knew), but he would still go.

For Phil.

~~~~~

Dan’s heart was going so fast he was sure that he was going to pass out. His hands, his arms, legs, his whole body was trembling.

Manchester’s Piccadilly Station.

Dan was here.

There was a decent amount of people on the station as far as Dan could see as the train pulled in, but none of them looked like his best friend.

The train came to a stop and Dan stood, the first to make it to the doors and there when they opened.

Strangely enough, when the doors pulled open and Dan took a step out into the station, he stopped trembling. His heart slowed—not by much, but it slowed—and this whole thing didn’t seem quite as scary. Sure, Dan’s thoughts were still screaming in his head, sure, his anxiety was still off the charts, and sure, his hands were still sweaty and his breath was still shallow but still. It was as if a calm had washed over him.

Dan wasn’t sure what to make of it. Maybe he was just going into shock.

People busied around him, walking this way and that, talking into cell phones, to other people, some silent. Dan, unsure of everything right now, followed where the general push of people were guiding him, the whole time craning his head, looking for his Phil. He tried not to panic. He tried.

But with every second the calm that had overtook him was shrinking and his anxiety steadily increased.

Did Phil forget? Did he stand me up? Oh God he’s not coming he didn’t come-

"Dan!”

Dan whirled around at the sound of his name, uttered by a voice that sounded so much better when it wasn’t distorted by their shitty computer’s speakers.

Before Dan could register really anything, he was being engulfed in a hug, two strong arms wrapping themselves around Dan’s shoulders, pulling him flush against the figure.

Against Phil.

And instantly all of the shouting in Dan’s head was gone. The slight tremble in his hands vanished, and for the first time in a week, his anxiety was gone without a trace. Dan felt like crying.

Dan gasped in surprise, his brain taking a moment to reboot because Phil didn’t forget, didn’t stand him up, didn’t change his mind, and suddenly Dan felt very, very stupid because how could he ever think that Phil would do something like that. This was Phil, the kindest person on the planet.

Phil pulled away, just a little, just enough so they could see each other’s faces, and Dan had to keep himself from pulling Phil back in.

His smile was so wide, easily the widest Dan had ever seen it. And his eyes, oh God those eyes were a thousand times clearer, a thousand times more mesmerizing than behind a screen. Dan didn’t doubt for a second that he could stand here and look into them for the rest of the day without tiring of their never-ending beauty. Fuck. Why did his eyes have to be so gorgeous.

Dan tore his eyes away from Phil’s and looked over the rest of him, from his broad shoulders that Dan wanted to wrap his arms around, to the tussle of his hair that Dan craved to run his fingers through and the line of his jaw that Dan felt the need to trace. Double fuck. Why did the entirety of Phil have to be gorgeous.

“Dan! I can’t believe you’re here! I have today all planned out; I’m going to show you everything!” Phil said excitedly, a twinkle as clear as day in his eyes. Phil was practically vibrating with excitement and it made a smile spread over Dan’s features. Phil’s happiness was contagious.

Phil stopped his rambling, looking down at Dan sheepishly.

“I mean, if that’s all okay with you. If you don’t want to do something that’s okay, I totally get it. We can do anything you want, I-”

Dan tilted his head back and laughed, laughed because Phil seemed nervous. Phil was nervous and it was adorable.

“Yeah, yeah Phil it’s all fine. All of it, don’t worry. I just can’t believe you want to do it all with me.”

Phil’s smile faded a little, and the twinkle in his eye got that much smaller. He looked a little sad.

“Was this what you were so worried about? That I wouldn’t like you?”

Dan bit his lip and looked down, giving a little nod.

Phil pulled Dan right back into a hug, but this time it felt even more real, and it was impossibly tighter. It felt like Phil was pulling all of Dan’s lost pieces together. Phil’s voice was in his ear.

“Of course I like you, Dan. You’re my best friend. I like you more than anyone else. Promise.”

Dan might have just felt like crying, in that moment. Phil accepted him. He wasn’t going to leave him. Things were okay. They were okay.

He knew that this would hit him later, maybe tonight when he had a chance to process things. He’d probably cry out of relief, but it would all be okay because Phil would be there to hold him together and ease all of Dan’s worries.

Soon enough they set off, hand in hand, and Dan was smiling so wide, so, so wide. He couldn’t have been happier with how things had turned out.

Dan looked sideways at Phil, trying to not be too obvious.

This had worked out so maybe, just maybe, something else could work out for him.

~~~~~

Dan stood at the window, a cup of coffee in his hand. It was early, and he could see the technicolor dream across the sky that was that morning’s sunrise. The steam from his coffee rose from the rim of the cup and slowly diffused into nothing; tendril-like hands wisped up and around Dan’s neck.

It had been nearly nine years.

Dan’s nervousness and dark thoughts never ceased to plague him, however, he learned to deal with it better. He could confidently say that he has never been happier.

It had been nearly nine years, and they were still inseparable. Their channels had grown exponentially, and they boasted an insanely large fan community.

As the years had gone by, their strong, unbreakable friendship slowly blossomed into something remarkably beautiful. Their long Skype calls turned into late night kisses, and they had been happily in love for nearly nine years.

Dan twisted the ring on his third finger. As well as being happily in love, they were also engaged to be married within the next year. Lately, he’d been waking up in complete disbelief.

The thing Dan had wanted so desperately to work out for him did, and in the most perfectly perfect way possible.

[cherlyhawthorne]

Returning to the Grove II

Two months after Lonely Howls

She perched within the trees that line the path of the grove further up the path. Her avian form primmed and cleaned of anything that would be consider as filth. Dark ebony feathers line her form to blend well into the darkness that seemed to permanently hold Duskwood in its grasp. A month after her Shan'do had given the advice to her lingering in her mind; her gaze toward the South, toward Kiden. The image of the engagement ring imprinted on her memory, but it's presence would be found in that keep. She couldn't go back after that. Her mind playing over the message she had written for Lochlyn to leave in place for whenever she were to find it.

'Duchess, I'm taking this time to head out for another expedition on my end. After coming back to Dalaran, I was left with news that I more or less wouldn't be with your brother any longer. In this time, I can't see myself being within Kiden anymore seeing between you and him, those were the only two reasons to stay. One half is gone and I would rather leave this on a semi-good note. For now, I'll be off searching for my brother and see what we can accomplish with the Legion's return.

-Cherly Hawthorne'

On top of the letter would be the engagement ring. Whether it would be returned to Garren or not, it didn't really matter at this point. She couldn't hold onto it if she were to press on. One thing she continued to chant to herself even while perched in this tree.

Returning to the grove, she shifted into her human form-avoiding her worgen form entirely- to rejoin the others. It seemed they had begun sparring within the circle. Several other druids were in shapes of feline or ursine. Cherly wouldn't be able to help a smirk to come to her lips as she joined some of the bystanders. Peering up to another worgen present, she peered down to Cherly with an expression that mirrored curiosity.

"Odd fer a Gilly not t' stick with the form ain't it?"

Cherly perked her head up with a cant and a rise of her brow. "Can't say it's too odd when we're given the choice now. What's the point of having to stay like that?"

The other female sneering at her, it seemed to have struck a chord with her. "Ya' sayin' that ya' don't like it? Why not? It's freedom and strength!"

Shaking her head, she kept her focus on female to study her closely. If the worgen wanted to prove a point, she wouldn't mind it. "Yeah? Then you also have to look into that blind rage that most of us haven't controlled yet. It makes you useless in battle.”

A growl held in the worgen's throat. "Want t' say tha' again, runt?"

“Useless..in..battle.” she said it deliberately slow. “You’re proving my point here..”

“Put those smug words t’ the test then, mate. Let’s go!” The worgen crouched ready to pounce.

“We’re really doing this huh? Fine..” popped her neck and rolled her head. Cherly wouldn’t otherwise move before nodding to the other female to start if she chose. 

A final growl came from the worgen as she lunged toward Cherly to pin her. Only to have the human slide under her at the last second and kick up into her stomach to cause the worgen to flip onto her back. 

Cherly quickly rolled over into a crouch, a smirk across her lips. “Come on..show me that strength would ya? You were barking so much about it before. What happen in those last few seconds?”

“Cram it!” the worgen snapped as she flipped over into the same crouch. “Why don’t ya’ just change then?”

“Proving that you don’t need it to be strong. Back home, I killed plenty of ferals with just my hands and daggers. Be happy I don’t have the first. I don’t think Shan’do would approve of that. Bring it ya’ git. I’ve been itchin’ t’ fight.” her accent coming out even more as she licked her lips, the expression never changing.

The two would circle slowly, never turning their backs to one another; already having a gathering of onlookers at this point. Each pace seemed to be calculated by the two as they continued their dance until the worgen would go after the woman once again. In mid lunge, she changed into her feline form again to pin the smaller down. Cherly would be taken down to the ground, but once pinned would have changed herself. With her back on the ground, her hind legs came up to claw at the underbelly of the others. The feline on top yowling before being tossed off. Again they would pace once both were free. Fangs bared toward each other and growls followed as they waited for another chance to clash. Cherly taking the initiative this time would charge toward the other female, a lunge of her own to come. The other female pushing up to her hind legs to more or less embrace, but only to have Cherly charge in and swipe downwards only to spring off the druid. A roar erupted from the other female as she fell back and slashed at Cherly, catching her in the maw to knock her off to the side. Cherly rolled to the side, stopping herself with her claws digging into the earth. She licked the blood from her cheek with a feline grin. “Don’t tell me that’s it.” her voice having a lower rumble to it in this form. 

The other panted as she clawed the ground, but no retort coming from her. The only noise would be a feral growl as she displayed her fangs for Cherly. She snapped her jaw at the air until going in for another charge. Her intent was clear as she opened wide and claws out. The jaws being parried with Cherly’s own paw, but she wouldn’t be able to avoid the other druid’s claw. Each set dug into her sides causing a roar of pain to come from her. The paw to the other’s face dug and drug downwards to damage her sight. The other wrapping to the shoulder and clawing downwards as both felines hit the ground. Their crimson splayed on the grass of the grove as it seemed both druids had the intent of causing harm to one another. Every second, each would go for the throat and every time they would be deflected to avoid death. Pushing back from one another, Cherly would go for another strike toward the other druid. Though before impact, she would change her form again into a bear to make the other be stuck under her, clawing the ground to get away. “Get off of me ya’ feckin’ cunt! I’ll tear yer shit!” 

Even in the ursine form, Cherly would still be decorated with the claw marks that were left. She shook her massive head and rumbled with a chuckle. “Nope..again provin’ a point here. You’re too clouded by yer own fury t’ do anythin’ useful. But I won’t crush yer bones, promise.” She pulled herself up from the feline as she began to walk away from her. She would change back into her human form from the last as the lingering claw marks were on her form, but not bleeding. 

Once freed, the feline would move to lunge at Cherly a last time while she was vulnerable. However, she would be stopped by massive vines that constricted her. The druid struggle against the vines until seeing Altarius emerge. 

“That’s enough, Casey. You’ve lost the spar. Simmer that anger and gain control,” his tone firm. 

“How can ya’ let her just stay like that?! She’s dishonorin’ all Gilnean druids by stayin’ in that shit form! Make her stay a worgen! Show her!” she snapped while still struggling against the vines.

The kaldorei shook his locks, still keeping his hold on the infuriated feline. “You let your opponent anger you. In turn, it proved Cherly’s point that you need more training. Even with the rituals that were given, you still hold that primal rage that follows. Harness it and don’t let it overcome you as it has.” As he spoke, he channeled his energy to soothe the druid into a more submissive state. With the female calming down, he slowly lowered her to the ground. “As for Cherly..” he looked toward her. “Don’t instigate others just to prove a point. You know that’s not how to go about things.”

Cherly turned to face her Shan’do and lowered her gaze toward the ground. “I’ll try not to.” She raised her gaze toward him only to incline her head toward him in respect. Though within herself, she couldn’t help but smirk with the thought she had proven herself.

@lochlynkiden @marquis-garren-nishan

[nallsy]

I’m Glad You’re Here

As I write this its currently 5:01am, Im sitting on the swings overlooking the ocean this is my happy place this is where I go to find peace and clear my head. Im fortunate to have such beautiful scenery to admire and help me battle my inner thoughts.

My masculine side wants to tell you that im sitting here this early because I drank too many energy drinks and I just cant sleep but the truth is about an hour ago I finished 13 Reasons Why and it has royally fucked me up. For those of you who hasn't watched it the buzz that everyone is talking about lives up to its hype and for those of you who is currently watching it do not worry there is no spoilers in this post. After watching it I felt like I needed to contribute or help out in anyway that I could and I figured my way of helping would be by sharing my families story of losing a love one to suicide.

On November 16th 2013 a day I will never forget, we were out celebrating my sisters birthday and had gotten back to my parents pretty late. My mother was in her office looking at her computer and that mother/son instinct kicked in she was quiet that awkward quiet that warrants attention and brings notice to yourself. I immediately asked her whats wrong and she began sobbing telling my sister and I that our cousin April at the age of 22 was dead. My immediate reaction was “car accident” I mean right? it had to be a car accident that’s the only way a healthy young adult could possibly pass away. And before I go any further let this also be a lesson..we found out through Facebook that she had passed yes our blood relative we were notified by my mother scrolling through her Facebook time line, people I do not care if you are reading this in the year 5017 do not notified people of something of that nature via social media pick up the damn phone and have that conversation with the family. Anyways so my mother called our Aunt to get the details and we found out that she had taken her life. 

Now I cant begin to explain into words the feeling I and all of us felt hearing that news. It was a world wind of pain, confusion, and angry at myself. when the news hit me it made me completely numb I didn't cry, I didn't really say anything I just let all the emotions consume me. I was confused as to why she had done it. I was angry that I didn't see the warning signs I ignored the Facebook status that she posted, that I didn't reach out to her to make sure everything was ok I just shrugged it off as typical venting as I and Im sure a lot of you do or have done. God it hurt so badly my parents had me very young I had no siblings her and her older sister was the only one around my age range for 7 years until my sister and other cousins started popping up like rabbits. We used to be inseparable every Christmas Easter summer vacations I was with them.

The next few days was nothing but emptiness my mother frantically getting funeral details and gathering pictures of her for it. Although when she told me the news and I seemed very calm and unaffected by it my mother knew there was more hiding under my shell and she told me to lets take a ride. It was late id say around 10pm we drove down our country back roads our conversations was just alot of the two of us repeating “I cant believe she did that” “it doesnt seem real”...until I asked my mom if she knew how she did it....

I was not prepared for the answer that was given to me. Id imagine it had to be overdosing on pills but when my mother told me how she did it  for the first time since the incident I screamed “Oh my fucking God why??!!” and hysterically cried. The images ran through my head, all I thought about was how slow her death was and how much pain she had to be in to choose to do what she did.

Unlike the movie there was no tapes, no letters, no explanation as to why she had done it, just endless unanswered questions doubt and sorrow. Anyone that knew of her always complemented on her beauty and without a doubt she was a very pretty girl she was a successful model but more importantly she had the most beautiful soul, she glowed, she loved God and her family and just the simple things in life.

Let me just say when she died a part of everyone close to her died with her. While watching 13 Reasons Why I kept thinking about how the director had to of experienced this tragedy personally because there is no way of portraying the flashbacks with the color and lightning being warm and in present time being dark and cold after her death because that is exactly how it is. My Aunts home that was always so warm and inviting is now just a structure, a shell of pain and memories.

If you’ve made it this far I want to first say thank you for taking the time out of your life to read this but I also want you to know that if you have ever or are going through the options of taking your life that im glad you are still here, and you are loved even if you dont think you are. Theres not a day goes by I dont think about April, every now and then I watch her old YouTube makeup tutorials just to hear her voice and to see her face. This month is especially hard for all of us being its April and that was her name, my sisters birthday hasn't been a happy day for her or any of us because its foreshadow by that being the day she took her life. 

I’m Glad You’re Here,

Nalls 

[nobuckingway]

Winter is definitely NOT my favorite time of the year when it comes to horse riding. You are constantly disrupted with bad weather which in turn messes up your routines. Below I have outlined a few tips, and advice on how I cope, from keeping motivated while riding, to dealing with the likes of Mud Rash. 

Have a read below & be sure to comment on any tips you have of your own, be warned I have added in a few quirky tips of my own that may possibly only relate to me!! 

Rugging

If your horse is clipped, then I highly recommend they be rugged! Do be aware that over rugging can also be a problem. Be sure to keep an eye on the weight of your rug. Rugs can vary from light-weight, medium-weight to heavy-weight! If you turn your horse out in the winter rugged up be sure to keep an eye on their condition, take their rug of for an hour once a week to give them a breather, it also gives you time to have a good look at their weight etc. 

Try not to over rug your horse, just because you are feeling the cold doesn’t mean they are, that is not how it works! Older horses, and clipped horses may feel the cold that bit more. Start off with a light weight rug, and as you move into the depths of the winter increase the weight. Another valid point to consider, your horse may loose weight during the winter, if your horse is prone to this make sure to keep them well rugged.

You can check how warm they are & determine if they need an extra layer by simply putting your hand in under there rug, feel up around the withers, if its cold add an extra layer, if it is wet or they feel as if they are sweating they most definately need a lighter rug. Check out the 4 links below, for a selection of different rugs on offer at the moment! 

Holmestead Saddlery Winter Rug Collection

TRI Equestrian Winter Rug Collection

The Equine Warehouse – Currently have an Autumn Rug Sale!

Sports Direct Horse Rugs

Darielle’s Random Tip: A great way to find out your horses temperature, cuff your hand around the base of his ear, this is generally a great indication of their body temperature, a great way of telling if they are warm or cold! Well it works for Dante anyways!

Rugging Tips:

Keep a bail of twine handy around the yard incase of emergencies! You never know when you may need to repair a fillet string!

Label your rugs (If you can) It is quite handy to put a small tag on the front fasteners of your rug, its is barely noticable and relitavely stays out of the way! In the long run it will save you getting your rug mixed up with someone else, lets face it all rugs start looking the same once the muck starts sticking to them! 

Darielle’s Random Tip: This is a very interesting tip I read online a while ago, and I am hoping maybe one of our readers will test it out!! Here it goes, using dental floss to sew up tears/patches in your rugs! Apparently dental floss is waterproof and very strong, so feel free to give it a go and let me know how you get on!

Having a cooler on hand during the winter is vital. It is great to have them handy for those cold evenings, to throw on them to cool them down that bit quicker, also handy for putting on them while in the horse box for travelling!

Horse Care

Feeding: Some horses don’t get fed during the summer months, as they are turned out in luscious paddocks with rich grass! For me Dante, had the best of both worlds, he was fed twice a day during the summer. Not much will change for him during the winter months, with only a slight increase in his food intake. I will also be incorporating more oils into his feed, this will help his joints over the colder months. 

Sunflower Oil

Karron Oil

Linseed Oil

Karron Oil is my go to supplements for him, I find it great, that or linseed oil. When my bank balance doesn’t allow me to buy the more expensive oils, I settle with sunflower oil, (69c a bottle in Lidl, I really cant go wrong) 

Mud Rash: One of the most common winter infections for your horse to pick up. It affects the horses legs, and is associated with the skin being exposed to the bacteria that is in the soil. Not all mucky legged horses will get mud rash. Some horses simply have sensitive skin, so they are more prone. 

  Available to buy from Holmestead Saddlery

  Not to worry though, as there is a solution. When bringing in your horse from the field make it a habit to hose down their legs, and towel drying them afterwards. There are also a lot of creams on the market for this condition if it gets bad. I have linked above the Pink Hoof Clay, that I highly recommend!

Foot Care: Winter is not the most ideal time for your horses feet, especially if they are standing out in overly mucky wet soggy fields. This in turn makes your horses feet quite soft. Loosing shoes is a huge liability during the winter months, the muck has weird ways of sucking them off that I simply cannot explain, so keep an eye on those hooves when you bring them in from the field, and again hose off that muck! 

Cornucrescine, one of my favourites! Buy now from TRI Equestrian

Plus Vital, Holmestead are currently running a Plusvital Hoofcare package, click to view!

Keeping their hooves conditioned is another major plus to keeping good hoof care, you really cannot disagree that cornucrescine is on of the best, but Plus Vital is also another one on the top of my list, see a few of my suggestions below!

Darielle’s Random Tip: I am not sure if anyone else does this or if I am just a weirdo! But I always cut my horses tails a little bit shorter during the winter months, it keeps the muck from gathering on it! This may just be me being a complete freak though!! 

  Riding & Keeping Motivated

Winter is most definitely not ideal weather to be riding in, its cold, wet & miserable. I have listed a few tips below to keep you motivated. Myself & Orla will be running a winter exercise blog also, hopefully it will be up & running in the next two weeks! We will be going through different exercises to keep you & your horse motivated and fit over those dreaded winter months! So keep your eye on the blog in the future weeks!

Winter Riding Tips:

Dont put that half arsed effort in, give it 100% or dont do anything at all. If your miserable riding, more than likely your horse will start to be too. You want positive vibes & energy when your riding.

If your having an off day, or you simply cant get the heat into your body, lunge your horse. It will give them a chance to stretch out. More than likely your horse will be in the stable more during the winter, so getting them out to move their legs will keep them in good spirits. A 20 minute session is plenty, no need to go into long hourly sessions!

If you have a walker, USE IT!!! It is not only a magnificent addition to cooling down your horse quicker, but you can also use it for warming up your horse! Make the most of your amenities!

Keep things interesting. If you only have access to riding in an arena during the winter make sure to plan out exercises in advance to keep you & your horse on your toes, better yet set out a winter goal for you and your horse. Learn new things, or start doing more no stirrup work! Its all beneficial to your training!

Get up early and go for hacks! Hacking in the winter is one of my favorite things to do, those crisp winter mornings are my favorite. 

Have you got an Exercise sheet? If you do use it, a clipped horse will appreciate it hugely on those bitter cold days!! Worse case scenario, you can take if off mid session if you feel your horses is working up a sweat. 

Look After Yourself

As much as we all hate to admit it, we are all only human, not superhuman! Winter takes its toll on some of us, from catching colds to old injuries creeping back in due to the coldness in the air! If you plan on surviving the winter make sure you look after yourself as much as you look after your horse. The weather isn’t always fantastic, so don’t try to over do it with the riding if the weather conditions are not on your side. A few extra days off for your horse in the winter will definitely not hurt, and who can complain about those extra hours sitting in front of the fire!

Winter Tips:

Dress appropriately, Wear the Dam coat!!! 

During the winter months, I always bring a spare pair of clothes with me to the yard, or I leave them sitting in my car! It is not ideal walking around the place is soaking wet clothes, or with wet soggy feet, so make sure to pack some spares.

Wear a hat, keep that head warm! It keeps the heat in. 

Invest in a good pair of gloves, for riding and for doing the yard work! See below some I highly recommend with Roekl being my favs, I cannot fault them! 

I recommend everyone buying at least one pair of these gloves! I have 3 pairs, and have my eye on another for Winter! Click To Buy – Stockist TRI Equestrian

One last tip I would highly recommend to everyone during the winter months, look after your tack! It can take a bit of a bashing during the Winter, from not being used as regularly to sitting in cold tack rooms! That along with your boots, (tendon, fetlock boots)they will all need a lot of attention if you want them to stay in good condition over the winter months!

If you follow our Instagram #NoBuckingWayBlog you will know that I often waffle on about a certain leather cleaner that works absolute wonders!! I will link it below.

Absorbine Horseman’s Leather Cleaner, in my opinion, simply the best! Click To Buy – Stockist Holmestead Saddlery

  Hopefully someone finds the above helpful, if you have any tips of your own to get you throught he winter, make sure to leave your comments below!

Darielle

#NeighNSlay 

Tips & Tricks for Winter Riding Winter is definitely NOT my favorite time of the year when it comes to horse riding. You are constantly disrupted with bad weather which in turn messes up your routines.