#but then again why dont i just try it out and see what happens...
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rodolfoparras · 4 hours ago
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18+ MDNI 18+
Thinking about playfully wrestling with your boyfriend while he makes mindless comments about your strength “oh you’re so strong, don’t think I’d be able to escape even if I wanted,” he says in wonder, eyes practically shining as he squeezes your biceps, “you ought to be careful never know when I can break” he says jokingly while doing a half hearted attempt to try and escape your embrace.
Slowly but surely you start getting more and more rough with him: squeezing and pressing down onto spots, not enough to hurt but enough to make him uncomfortable. “You know what? You’re right. I don’t think you’d be able to get away if someone like me were to attack you.” The relaxed look on his face swiftly turns into one of concern and you can see the way he slowly attempts to back away from you.
But it’s to no avail, he’s trapped in your embrace, with you steadily inching closer to his face, a big sharp grin painted on your own face. “I mean what are you supposed to do? Can’t even push them away,” you say referring to his futile attempts at trying to push you away from him. “Guess you’d just have to stay and take whatever they’re willing to give you,” you continue, proving your point when you easily spread his legs wide and ground your cock up against his ass, all while he can’t do anything but helplessly watch as you twist and turn his body as if he were a ragdoll “Bet there’s plenty of things they would love to do to a pretty boy like you. Don’t you think?”
“Oh god- don’t -dont say that,” he gasps out, head falling into the crook of your neck as if he’s horrified. But you can feel his fully hard cock from where your hand is resting against his thighs , can hear the muffled whines and whimpers as he grinds himself up against you, can see it on him how he he’s torn between pushing you away and completely stopping this little game or pulling you closer to him to see how far you’ll take this.
What a sick little thing you got at your hands.
“How about this?” You say, hand yanking ahold of his hair to bring his ear closer to you “You try to run and we’ll see if I can catch you. Does that sound alright?”
This time you don’t get a verbal response. Instead you can see it on his face what he’s trying to say: and what happens if you catch me?
The silence is swiftly broken with a soft thud as you release your hold on him.”Run, quick,”
He doesn’t waste a second scrambling up the stairs, practically tripping over his feet as he turns corners. He looks and sounds absolute terrified and you can’t help but love that, cock growing harder as you follow him up.
With each step you take you can hear his rapid breaths getting louder and louder , can feel his own thudding steps as you walk down the narrow hallway, can practically smell him - not some cheap cologne nor any deodorant but rather a mix of sickly sweet vanilla and sugar- something that’s just so him - something you’d want to sink your teeth in and drain completely. You follow that very scent all the way to your shared bedroom.
And there he stands, looking like a deer caught in the headlights, or rather like a animal that’s bleeding out on the side of the road, with his cock still painfully hard and with a suspicious dark spot on his sweatpants.
“Oh sweetheart,” you coo, voice dripping with faux concern, while slowly walking up to him like he was an injured animal of some sort. “Why do you look so scared hmm? You know I won’t actually hurt you,” you continue, watching in amusement as he swiftly backs up til his back is flushed with the bedroom wall.
You’re quick to press yourself flush against his chest, once again trapping him in your embrace.“Come on. You wound me. I really wouldn’t do anything to hurt you. You know that,” You say eyes once again flicking up to the wet spot on his pants “Look, got yourself all worked up and for what?” You ask, as you cup the wet bulge over his pants.
“Stop - ah don’t” he cries out, sounding and looking absolutely horrified as he tries to push your hand away but once again it’s to no avail and he has to stand there as you freely grope him. However it doesn’t take much before he’s bucking up into your touch, head lolling back against the wall as whines and whimpers freely pour past his tongue ��fuck- so good mph,”
“See sweetheart, I just want to take care of you, wouldn’t dream of hurting you,”you say with a soft smile as you continue to rub him through his pants. The man only furiously nods, begs and please of more more more, continuously rolling off of his tongue as he practically humps the palm of your hand.
“Unless you want me to, that is,” suddenly you’re flipping him around, hand rough as ever as you shove him up against the wall before slotting your leg between his thighs.
The poor thing squeaks in suprise, tears freely spilling from his eyes ,as incoherent words start pouring from his mouth.
“Come on now sweetheart,” you groan out , hand once again yanking at his hair and successfully pulling a hiss from him “you know that need you to use your words. Now tell em what you want yeah?”
Once again he’s fumbling over his words, too overwhelmed with emotions to form a coherent sentence. However you won’t take that for answer, hand once again yanking at his hair till he finally responds to you.
“Want- ah want you to touch me sir ah- please do anything touch me- hah fuck me - hurt me just anything please please-“
“Well who am I to say no when you ask so nicely?”
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motthe · 1 day ago
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I'm back with more Viktor luman au angst, but this time with mage Viktor:
On the day before the final battle, Reader is in the lab helping make some of the wepons for the final battle. Jayce leaves to deliver the last of them to the enforcers, but not before giving Reader reassurance that everything was going to be okay. Then he leaves, closing the door behind him. Reader whose overwhelmed knowing that Viktor nearly killed their friends and is going to do something awful. No one knows what he's planning, but he did send a robot to attack Mel and Jayce. As she sits there with her hand covering her face, she hears a creek. She thinks it's just Jayce back from delivering the wepons. She calls out to him, but no one answers back. Looking up, one of the robots is standing right in front of her. It's a blank white metallic face reflecting her shocked expression. This is bad she's all alone in the academy. Everyone evacuated to the other buildings in anticipation of a fight. So that means no one is around to hear her scream for help.
Before she can fully react, it lunges at her. She quickly grabs a nearby wrench and smacks the robot away. She goes to hit it again, but from behind her, another robot takes her wepon from behind. Now defenseless, she goes to run, but the robots are faster they grab her by her arms and hold her down on a table. Reader struggles and fights, but she's no fighter she's a doctor. All she can do is struggle and hope to somehow get away. It's all in vein though, as they bring her arms over her head, all she can do is kick her legs uselessly.
"Don't be scared, my love." Rings out a voice reader knows very well. It's followed by something small bumping into her face and nuzzling it. She looks over to see Viktors lumen nuzzling her. She hadn't seen the little guy in a while. Viktor took him when he left for Zaun. The little guy was different, no longer a dim yellow he now glowed blue much like the hexcore with black veins inside of him. It would be comforting if she wasn't currently being restrained. "I won't hurt you, I'd never hurt you."
"Why should I beli-" Turning towards where the voice came from, she loses her voice when she finally gets a look at what he's become. A tall, imposing figure steps from the darkness in all his glory. He has a beauty to him but also gives her a sense of dread she can't quite place. Maybe it has to do with the robots holding her down or the glowing eyes that seem to analyze her. Viktor walks closer, his cane turned staff clicking as it hits the floor. Once he's close enough, he holds out a hand about to touch her face.
Snaping out of her trance, she kicks out her leg, attempting to kick him away. Only for him to grab it with the hand that hovered over her face moments ago. He holds it down while the follower, still holding down her arm, uses its free hand to hold down her other leg. Now completely immobile, she feels tears well up in her eyes as she starts to beg. "Viktor, please, this isn't you don't do this." She doesn't quite know what she's begging him not to do, but she has a feeling these white robots weren't built in a lab. Considering Viktors new look, she has a hunch these robots were once - she just can't think of it. "You dont need to be afraid, my love. You will understand everything if you just join me."
She watches as Viktor releases his staff, and it floats beside him as he goes to rub her lumen. It's curled up under his neck, shivering in fear but still trying to find comfort in him. She shivers from the touch before shaking her head. "No, I don't know what's happened to you, but you need to stop this madness. You can end this and we can go home together please." She pleads but it falls on deaf ears as Viktor's hand leaves her lumen. He reaches out to her face again. "I was hoping I wouldn't have to force you, but no matter, you will join me either way." With that, he touches her forehead. She gasps as she feels suddenly so light and warm. At the same time, everything begins to erase. All her thoughts and memories are scrubbed from her mind, but with her last bit of clarity, she calls out to Viktor, "I love you Viktor, I will always lo-" She doesn't finish as her lumen falls off Viktors shoulder and absorbs into her new body.
Jayce gasps after seeing the vision given to him by the mage. Who he now knows is Viktor he questions why he gave him the rune and that vision. The mage is quiet as he walks from the still white body of the doomed timeline Jayce. He goes over to the standing statue of a woman. Despite being turned like the others, she still looks human. Her face isn't blank but has all her facial features. Her body is still that eerie marble with gold flecks, but unlike the others, she has no traces of corruption. She's draped in the blue blanket with a very small blue lumen huddled under her head. The mage caresses her face before kissing her lips that will never kiss back. As he does, Jayce hears a whisper he almost thought was the wind. A faint I love you is heard before mage Viktor pulls away looking to Jayce he smiles but it doesn't reach his eyes "Cause in all timelines all possibilities only you can show me this."
Okay, so I hope no one was confused, but in the og/doomed timeline, mel still becomes a mage, but the difference is no mage Viktor, so doomed Jayce has no idea what Viktor is planning. Also that's why instead of evacuating out of the city, they relocated civilians to safe houses. This is to explain why there's so many robots in the doomed timeline. As for how he evolved in the doom timeline, honestly, it was probably singed who helped him evolve to his final form. Then mage Viktor shows Jayce how he turned the reader further, giving his alternate self a reason not to go through with his plan. Also, mage Viktor knows that out of everyone, Jayce is the only one who can get close enough to Viktor to stop him. So Jayce goes back and convinces the reader to leave with the other civilians. The final battle goes as planned, but now Viktor sees what mage Viktor did in doomed timeline to his soulmate, and the ending happens. But after Jayce and Viktor get sucked into the arcane, all that's left behind is readers' lumen who travels back to the reader once the civilians return.
sad hours at work 😭 but for real this was beautifully written. love how much thought went into this!!!
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youcancallmeemma · 2 days ago
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Ya'll... I just watched the new Sonic movie (Sonic 3) and I have to say... I thoroughly enjoyed it.
Me ranting about it after the cut!!
SONIC 3 SPOILERS!!
1) Okay, so, first of all. The movie was amazing. I felt so giddy and excited when I was sitting in the movie theate, just waiting for the next thing to happen.
2) I had to hold back my tears when Tom got brutally punched by Shadow, mainly at hoe Sonic reacted at that... poor boy thought he lost another parent:( I didn't want to cry in front of of my brothers. (They would've bullied me bc they always do)
2) Maria was sososososo pretty!!! I really wished that we could've seen more of the sibling dynamic between her and Shadow, but I honestly loved the relationship they had.
4) My boy Tails should've had more screen time though...💔 Along with knuckles...💔 (I understand they already had enough going on in the movie, and I think if they did what I wanted, it probably would've made the movie uncomfortably cramped)
5) TAILS LOOKED SO CUTE WITH THE HELMET ON IN THE HELECOPTER ATVTHE BEGINNING OMG⁉️⁉️⁉️⁉️ I mentally agreed with Agent Stone when he said Tails was adorable, because he is.
6) Honestly, kinda wished Stone and Tails built up a friendship between them. Would've been fun to see them interact more! (Again, same thing I said earlier in nr.4)
7) I actually thought about this before seeing the movie. If I remembered correctly, the movie is based of Sonic adventure 2 (I believe) And Amy Rose was the one who comforted Shadow and got him to turn from evil to good? (I THINK. I SAW A PLAY THROUGH LIKE 10 YEARS AGO, DON'T YELL AT ME😭) So, I wondered how the would go about this. Honestly, the fact that Sonic comforted Shadow was a little odd to me, but what Sonic said was sweet. Since this is the movies we're talking about, it's on brand that Sonic was comforting him, since basically every single live action Sonic movie has him comforting SOMEBODY. Honestly, I liked it.
8) And... THE WAY MR. OLD REBOTNIC (can't remember name💔) GOT KILLED!?!?!? WHAT!?!? YOU'RE TELLING ME HE FOT STABBED IN THE BUTT BY A SUPER POWERED ALIEN HEDGEHOG QUIL, GOT LUNCHED UP, AND GOT INCINERATED BY A DAMN SHEILD!?!? Woah. Imagine telling other people how you died and someone says THIS to you??? My one brother quite literally looked at me like this when that happened: "😧" (my other brother laughed his arse off)
9) And the final message Robotnic gave Stone?? Omg, you can NOT tell me they didn't have SOMETHING going on over there....
10) Finally, the end credit scene... METAL SONIC AND AMY???? ARAGARAGATSGA!!!! Sigh, Why must I wait for the 4th movie to come out... 😔 (PLEASE GIVE REVERSE SONAMY IN THE NEW MOVJE OLEASE PLEASE PLEAS PLEASE PLEA) Also, when Amy revealed herself a little boy (who had a Sonic CAPE mind you) yelled out "IT'S AMY!!!" He might be a bigger fan then me chat... (I forgot my Tails plush 😔)
11) Fun mini fact about me, I'm not much of a Shadow fan (Don't come at me) so I've never been too interested in him. However, the movie got me much more interested in him, and Shadow is now up there with the others. (Also made me feel much more for the poor boy :<)
12) Overall, the movie was literally the best one I have seen in a WHILE. Even though the movie had a lot going on, I still felt immersed in the story the whole way through. Character development was was amazing, Sonic crashing out was SO COOL??? Tails and Knuckles trying to stop him was just as amazing. Tails looking like a scared kid while Sonic and Knuckles were disagreeing tugged SO HARD onto my heart strings💔 I really recommend the movie, it was a great watch. I do however recommend watching the first two movies before watching the third one.
PLEASE DONT COME AT ME!!!
I am simply a teenage girl who's a little obsessed with the STH franchise and movies.
Also, I am not a proper movie critic. Please don't take this stuff too seriously 🙏🙏 Like I said, I'm simply a teenage girl who likes Sonic.
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kroovv · 3 days ago
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previous anon here: dorian's predatory business practices are a lot like wattpad's if you know anything about that—they pocket a huge portion of the proceeds for every VN they publish and only give very few pennies to the actual authors, essentially using other people's work to line their own pockets, while pretending to provide a great platform for artists. Last I heard they also have terms that say whatever you upload to them becomes their property IP. it's the kind of situation where they convince artists its the easiest option for publishing a VN, when in reality there are other ways that are just as or even more simple that allow u to keep full ownership of ur work. I also have a grudge against them specifically because they bought up an indie VN studio that I was a fan of, put previously free stuff behind a paywall and otherwise ran it into the ground, and their social media people were very unprofessional and sent threatening messages to fans for making fan content.
Renpy takes some learning, but it's really simple once you know how it works. And besides renpy there are other VN engines that are even simpler (Unity even has a VN library called Fungus thats very simple and straightforward to use) TyranoBuilder is also a popular one. As for chapters, there are absolutely people on itchio updating their VNs a chapter at a time, although i dont know if its in the way youd want; pushing each separate chapters as updates to the main game, or releasing each chapter as a separate game come to mind as options.
(i'd honestly even offer to convert the game to renpy for you since ive been working extensively with renpy for the past 2 years and am very familiar with it and how to work it, if it meant i could save one artist from the clutches of dorian, but that feels too much like overstepping 😅)
So i am not sure if maybe they have changed things, but with games self published to them they own 0% of that IP so I will own Gravehearts 100% only if they where to buy it from me then they’d own it but i personally do not see that happening lmao. From what i understand about it is it is like Webtoons but for VNs anyone can upload to it but they still own it like how i still own Horizon Walkers even though it’s on Webtoons and Tapas. They do take a % of what you make so that is why I would love to also have my own app or game on itch as well!
I have a decent following for my artwork but who knows what that vendiagram is for people who like VNs is, so if i where to publish the game somewhere by itself i don’t know how well it would do because I don’t know if i have the audience for it, also i don’t know if people would even see it when i post about it cause social media sucks. So like posting HW to webtoons so that people who read comics might see it that’s what I am kind of hoping for with posting Gravehearts to Dorian.
Again with Gravehearts i own it 100%, with publishing games there you can chose when and where people pay for things, and people do paywall love interests and main story stuff but i fully do not intend to do that because it is ✨shitty✨. So I will not be putting any main story or love interests behind paywalls the only thing I would do as paid stuff are optional scenes with a character where you can get a nice full art piece of them from it! (Im also trying to figure out if i could put some kind of code on the image so people can download high res versions of it as phone wallpapers! So you’re actually paying for something more tangible)
However like i said previously i would love to make my own app for it, or something like an app or on itch, but i could maybe try do it in tangent with Dorian, so people who don’t want to support them can still support the story somewhere else! But it might take a little while for me to be able to do something like that because it’d be learning a whole bunch of new stuff and it is just me but I will do my best 👍
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ittybxttykxttytxtty · 1 day ago
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Eeeeeeep, it's hereeee!!!!!!
“I got that,” he retorts, “but what the hell is it supposed to haunt? All the search results were just some kids' show.”
HE'S TRYING 🥹 HE MADE A GOOGLE SEARCH.
“Nothing.” Steve met another version of himself once and immediately beat the shit out of it, if that was anything to go by.   
I mean...it's Steve. I'd beat up The Avengers (2012)! Steve too. He was lowkey kinda annoying there.
“Who’s gonna know you better than yourself? But the more important question is, would you fu–”
Even the fucking ghost/orbs/shadow people were like "I'm gonna stop you right there" 😂
Theory Meme: Jfc, dont let Bucky read that theory. He's already having enough crisis as it is. Add one more and he'll break 😭
JJ Meme: @sk8rboy02 - listen, that was valid but like why attack him for his baldness 😭 shit sounded personal 😭
“No, let's just leave,” Bucky debates, running a hand through his hair. 
Okay this is actually starting to scare me. I watched Gonjiam: Haunted Asylum, I played Silent Hill PT. I know this shit. No. 🥲
“If I had to guess from the movies I’ve seen, we either gotta solve a puzzle or one of us has to reach self-actualisation and turn into a good human,” you postulate, arms on your hips as you survey the room. “We both know it’s not me, so is there anything you want to share with the class?”
Please dont fucking die. I will loose my shit. Please, dont.
“Vitamin D deficiency,” you revise. “Can you step into the sun or do you just like, start hissing and burning?”
......this is funnier in my head considering Seba Stan is Romanian 😂
“Having people like that,” you clarify. “Maybe if I know what it feels like I’ll know when it happens.”
okay, but why make me cry? what is this?
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He gives you a small nod as the door closes on him, reaching forward to press the button to his floor again.
.......... ..THE CRACKS ARE CRACKING AND EMOTIONS ARE SHOWING. MY DEPRESSION IS ON HOLD AND MY SKIN IS BEGGINING TO CLEAR.
This chapter is so good 🥲 So much angst and lore. i still have so many questions. I do hope she won't run when the time comes. I kinda see her bailing when Bucky confesses to her.
Ngl, that place scared me. 😌
BROKE: The demon place trapped them to scare them.
WOKE: The demons are also tired of their ship being slow burn and decided to get shit done.
unsolved (viii)
Summary: Bucky doesn't even believe in the paranormal. So who the hell thought it was a good idea to stick him in a series about everything haunted for the internet's amusement? With his loose-canon of a teammate who has no concept of subtlety or shits left to give, to make things even worse. (Buzzfeed unsolved AU)
Warnings: swearing, frustrated bucky, obnoxious reader, mentions of hauntings and the paranormal, the passage of time, panicking,
A/N: omg guys new banner reveal. i put a flower on that man because i felt like it. personally thrilled that we have made it this far because that means it's only 2 more chapters to 10 and then we're in double digits. also unsolved drabble requests are very welcome and encouraged please ily THANKS BYE
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Previous part || Series masterlist
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“I don’t get it,” Bucky says, hands stuffed into his jacket pockets.
Inside the room, the air is thick with dust and the scent of aged metal. The walls are lined with dark wooden beams, their surfaces weathered by time, and the faint smell of oil and rust lingers in the air. 
“It’s a haunted clock tower,” you reply, walking up the stairs, floorboards creaking generously under you. 
“I got that,” he retorts, “but what the hell is it supposed to haunt? All the search results were just some kids' show.”
In the center of the room stands the massive, intricate clock mechanism, the gears and cogs slowly gathering rust as the years have passed without maintenance. Moonlight through the giant clock face casts a faint glow into the dimly lit room.
“I’m surprised you checked the internet,” you tell him, “I didn’t know you knew how to do that.”
He rolls his eyes. “I was an undercover agent for 80 years. I know how to use technology.”
“You’re also older than the concept of time, so you can see how that may confuse some people,” you reply, taking a tour around the room. “Second, I’m surprised you checked the internet.”
“You already said that.”
You stop in your tracks, hand on your chest as you say, “Yes, but you’re researching things now? For our show? That’s real sweet, babygirl.”
He scoffs, shaking his head as he continues to climb up. “It was one Google search.”
“It’s one more than what you’ve done in the last 3 months,” you say, eyelashes fluttering comically at him before your demeanor returns to normal. ���Anyway, there’s no like, ghost sightings here, per se–”
Bucky comes to a halt only two steps away from his door. “Then why are we here?” 
“It’s still haunted, Bucky,” you chastise. “That doesn’t always mean ghosts. Maybe it could mean orbs. Or shadow people, like from the hospital–”
“Not a thing.”
The clock creaked and groaned, the hands inching forward, their motion sluggish and uneven, as if the gears hadn't been properly oiled in years. With every tick, a loud whine echoed through the tower, vibrating the air in the otherwise silent room.
“Ooh, maybe we’ll find our doppelgangers.” Your eyes shine. “What would you do with yours?”
“Nothing.” Steve met another version of himself once and immediately beat the shit out of it, if that was anything to go by.   
“Not even a date?”
His eyebrows knit together, eyes creasing. “Why would I date my doppelganger?”
“Who’s gonna know you better than yourself? But the more important question is, would you fu–”
The noise from the clock grows more intense—a final, desperate groan before it comes to a jarring halt. 
The ticking stops abruptly, leaving an unnatural silence hanging in the air. The hands remain frozen at 9. 
Both of you are left staring at a now defunct clock. 
“Clock died ‘cause of your stupid question,” Bucky comments, voice dry. 
“Just say you don’t like modern philosophy and go.” 
“Oh I’m going alright. Two hours and all we’ve gotten footage of is stairs, trash and a washout Big Ben.”
“Don’t insult Kinley Clock Tower like that,” you scold. “You’re gonna piss it off and it’s gonna haunt us for the rest of our days.”
Bucky gives you a flat look. “By doing what.”
“Showing you the wrong time wherever you go.”
“Devastating,” Bucky responds, not sounding fazed in the slightest. “Right, so nothing haunted here?”
“Maybe it’s haunted by the failure of proper clock maintenance.”
Bucky’s eyes sweep across the largely empty room one last time. “Other than that toolbox, place’s empty. Chalk this one up to bullshit and let’s go.”
You let out a deep sigh at the thought of a wasted evening. “Fine, but that means we have to find another idea for a video.”
“Use one of the reserves.”
“We’re gonna have to, if we can’t find anything by tomorrow.”
Bucky’s heavy footsteps echo through the staircase. “That is a problem for tomorrow-you to deal with.”
You let out a scoff, following behind. “Tomorrow-us.”
“No,” he replies thoughtfully. “Pretty sure I got it right.”
Whatever. You counted tonight as a win the second you managed to get Bucky out of the compound without having to lie out of your ass. He even threw in a Google search worth of research. And he even told you the batteries on the cameras were all charged. Small steps for a regular co-host, big step for Buckykind everywhere. 
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The elevator stops at his floor and he gets out, sending you a two finger wave on his way out. 
Should I walk you to your door?” you throw in at the last minute, the makings of a smile on your face. 
Bucky casts you an indignant look. “Why?”
“Chivalry, baby.” You grin, leaning against the wall of the elevator. “Didn't they literally invent it in your era?”
Bucky flips you the finger instead, not bothering to dignify you with a response. Your laughter subsides as the elevator closes on you with a ding.
Bucky sees a faint light in the hallway, and figures Steve’s slightly ajar door is its source. In between trudging back to his bedroom, he drops a quick knock on it.
“Come in,” Steve calls, voice deep from the sleepiness starting to set in. “Oh, you’re back.”
“Yeah,” Bucky replies from the doorway. “Shoot got done early.”
“Where’d you go?” he asks, laying down his book beside him. 
“Kinley Tower,” Buck stands with his arms pulled over his chest, leaning against the doorway. “Place was a dud. Nothing to see.”
“What about other things?” Steve asks, curious but still casually indirect. “How was it?” 
Bucky shrugs. “The same. Bounced right back, like nothing ever happened.” 
“You still don’t know what Nat was talking about?” 
“No,” Bucky replies, scratching the back of his neck, before hesitantly saying, “Should I be asking? I don’t know if we’re— y’know.”
“I’m pretty sure you’re friends by now, Buck.” Steve smiles briefly. “Wouldn’t hurt to check in.”
Well, Steve may be sure, but Bucky wasn’t. Then again Steve only had 1 best friend for over a hundred years until he met Sam, so how the fuck would he know. 
Still, Bucky gives a curt nod, glancing around Steve’s room for any notable changed but coming up empty handed. 
“You wanna tell me why there’s several charges on my card for tarot websites?” Steve picks up his book again, thumbing through the pages.
“Wasn’t me,” Bucky grunts. 
“Seems a bit suspect after you did an episode on witchcraft,” Steve speaks without lifting an eye from his book. “Could just be me though.”
It catches him by surprise. “You watch our episodes?”
Steve quirks an eyebrow. “Yes? Every last one.”
“Oh,” Bucky mumbles, finding everything else in the room infinitely more interesting all of a sudden. 
“Looks like it’s doing you some good,” Steve continues, turning back to his novel. “It’s nice to see you out and about.”
“What’s that s’pposed to mean?” Bucky gives him a look that could be seen as peeved if the blond hadn’t known him for as long has he had been alive.
Steve hides a smile. “Nothing. Left some apples on your nightstand. Eat it if you’re hungry.”
It forces Bucky to try to catch onto Steve's train of thought. Sure you hung out occasionally after work, but it wasn’t like you were hanging out on a friends basis. Bucky definitely would know if you were, because it would be a laborious task to even get him to consider leaving his bedroom. A thousand elephants would not be able to make him go do things that friends do. 
So he stares at him for another whole minute waiting for a follow up, a clarification, but Steve makes no other comment, only turning the page of his novel. 
Bucky finally leaves silently, shutting the door behind him.
Sure enough, there are apples and a fork on his nightstand. They were good too, crisp like Steve had gotten them from the market just today.  
By eleven Bucky’s already in bed, eyes straining as he watches this woodworking guy on YouTube teach him how to make a dovetailed box. For no reason. And just because he heard Sam mention offhand that he needed a place for all his keys doesn’t mean Bucky was making it for him.  
From: co-host 
how about we take a road trip down to washington to go meet my dear friend
From: co-host 
From: bucky (avengers) (guy with the hair)
what friend
mr quatch himself
From: co-host  
first name ‘sas’
From: co-host
i’m talking about bigfoot
From: bucky (avengers) (guy with the hair)
yeah i got it 
From: bucky (avengers) (guy with the hair)
when 
From: co-host
well we’d have to start at 4am
From: bucky (avengers) (guy with the hair)
fuck no
From: bucky (avengers) (guy with the hair)how about something within a 5 mile radius 
From: co-host
How about Sunday 
Bucky switches his phone all the way off and tosses it onto the bed beside him, smothering his face into the pillow. 
​​From: co-host
How about your mom
He’d deal with your nonsense tomorrow. 
And probably fill the gas tank for a trip to Washington. 
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Bucky’s eyes snap open when the cold air hits his face. He keeps his window shut all the way,every single night. 
He blinks several times before his eyes adjust to the darkness of his surroundings. 
“Bucky?” a disembodied voice comes from beside him.
His head whips to the side, making him realise that one, he was standing, and two, he had no idea how long he’d been standing for. 
Only, he finds you next to him, looking disoriented like you’d just been shaken awake from a nap.
“Where the hell–” your voice trails off as you take note of where you’d landed up. 
In front of him, mechanical gears whine as they scrape against each other in a desperate attempt to move.
He peers down at his clothes; the same black t-shirt, jacket and cargo pants he distinctly remembers changed out of nearly an hour ago. 
“What the fuck,” Bucky snaps. “Did you bring us back here?”
“No,” you say, face rigid, solemn. “I swear I didn’t. I was gonna ask you the same thing.”
Bucky’s shoulders loosen. “No, I was asleep.”
The wind rustles by, and everything looks exactly the same as when you left it nearly 3 hours ago. 
“We’re back at Kinley,” he tests it, taking a step forward. “What just happened?”
“This is weird, right?” you put forth, clearing your throat. “I definitely was going to send you a text about the next video idea, and the next thing I know you’re in front of me. I’m not dreaming, am I?”
Bucky pinches the inside of his arm. The skin comes back red and stinging.
“No, it’s real,” he murmurs. “Unless this is a weird fuckin’ dream that I’m having.”
It wouldn’t be the first time you showed up in his dreams either. He just doesn’t remember any of them being so… vivid. 
“I’m in the physical realm, I can feel that,” you talk so quietly it’s like you’re speaking to yourself. “It’s not your dream. I’m here too.”
He checks his phone. 
9:05. 
Bucky opens up his messages, finding none from you tonight. His YouTube history similarly didn’t have the video he was watching earlier today.
Bucky clenches his fists and releases them, before taking a deep inhale. “Okay. We just had a strange fuckin’ flash forward into the future because of… I don’t know what. But we never left, and now we’re going home.”
“Yep.” You nod in confirmation, but the camera levitating behind you wobbles with uncertainty. “So– do we recreate what happened or…?”
“No, let's just leave,” Bucky debates, running a hand through his hair. 
You take a step towards the stairs, holding onto the bannister as you make your way down. 
Bucky holds up the flashlight of his phone as he follows, throwing another look behind him. 
“Having a shared flashforward… could say it’s soulmate shit,” you give him a quick glance, but the grin on your face is unsure, and he knows you’re trying to shake it off. 
“It’s a carbon monoxide shit.” 
“You can be carbon mine-oxide.” 
Bucky wordlessly shoves past you as he walks down the stairs, leaving you to follow with another stupid laugh. 
The car ride back brings with it some air of normalcy, so does the elevator ride. 
Bucky once again gives you a two finger wave as he gets down at his floor. 
“Offer’s still there if you want me to walk you to your room,” you call. “I may be delirious, but I’m still chivalrous.”
“Go to sleep,” Bucky carps, shaking his head, banishing the slight lift in the corner of his mouth. 
The faint light in the hallway makes him falter. 
He sticks his head in anyway. “Hey.”
“Oh, hey,” Steve smiles from his bed, book in hand. “You’re back.”
Bucky glances around the room. “Did we talk earlier today?”
“Only when you texted me for my Netflix password.” 
“Nothing after that?” Bucky hesitates from asking him outright.
“No. You okay?” Steve asks, eyebrows furrowing. 
“Just had a weird dream,” Bucky dismisses, forcing his face to relax. “See you around.”
“Left you some apples if you’re hungry,” Steve calls, as Bucky shuts the door.
He crawls back into bed, eyeing the clock suspiciously. 10:30. 
He closes his eyes, wills himself to sleep, knowing that this glitch in the matrix was only temporary and tomorrow, you’d be at his damn door, forcing him to go to Washington with you. 
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Bucky’s eyes fly open when a draft of wind blows past his cheek.
“You’re fucking shitting me,” he growls, taking in the stupid tower again. 
“Well, fuck,” you exhale from beside him, in the same clothes from that evening. “I think we’re stuck in a timeloop.”
Of all the things to happen to him. Has he not suffered enough.
“Fine. Alright,” Bucky recalibrates, voice short, running a hand through his hair. “What now? How do we get out?”
“I don’t know, let me just consult with my vast experience in timeloops.”
He throws you a look so dry it would have crops withering. You don’t seem to care at all. 
“If I had to guess from the movies I’ve seen, we either gotta solve a puzzle or one of us has to reach self-actualisation and turn into a good human,” you postulate, arms on your hips as you survey the room. “We both know it’s not me, so is there anything you want to share with the class?”
If your release was contingent on Bucky working through his issues, you’d be here for a century at least.
“We keep coming back here at midnight,” Bucky elects to focus on other things, tilting his head towards the clock. “Is it because we left at 9 instead of 12?”
“Maybe,” you consider it. “We can stick around, I guess.”
It wasn’t a bad place to start. You’d have to trial-and-error your way out of this one. 
“We’ve got…” he pulls his sleeve back to look at his watch “...two hours and fifty five minutes.”
You shrug. “We can check out the rest of the tower to see if we missed anything.”
“Fine,” he relents slowly as if still weighing his options, only to come up with nothing better. 
The next level is at least a few flights of stairs below and if you thought the room with the clock in it was barren, there was nothing here for you except spiders and dust bunnies.   
“Maybe we have to clean it up,” you suggest, nose scrunching. “Maybe the tower’s super mad that everyone’s disrespecting it.”
“That's a stupid reason.”
You spin around, pointing an accusatory finger at him. “Take that back. We just said maybe it doesn't like being disrespected.”
Bucky grumbles a few choice words under his breath, none of which reach your ears. 
There's nothing along the walls of the tower, nor on the ceilings. The intermediary floor and the ground floor come up empty as well. 
By the time you've confirmed that you’ve exhausted all possible leads with nothing to show for it, Bucky’s memorised the layout of the place. 
11:58.
“2 more minutes,” he tells you.
“All right,” you say, rubbing your palms together. “Experiment one. Let's go.”
Bucky keeps his eyes peeled.
11:59.
He doesn't even fucking blink, and neither do you as the seconds count down on his phone. 
12:00. 
He exhales, looking up. 
A cold wind blows past his face. 
When he hastily looks back at his phone, it reads 9pm once more. 
“Damn it,” you curse softly. 
Bucky’s growing anger resonates in a rumble in chest. “What kind of twisted shit is this?”
“It's fine,” you hold your hand up, breathing out. “I have a few more ideas.”
Bucky carelessly gestures for you to go on, and you point at the big clock.
“That thing stopped working at 9,” you hint. “We'll have to fix it. Get it working again and then we go back.”
“You know anything about fixing clocks?”
“I worked at a toy shop near a watchmaker once,” you offer. “That's gotta count for something.”
“What the hell, sure,” Bucky gives up, throwing his arms up. 
He only had experience taking apart the old leather strapped wrist watch his parents got him for his 11th birthday, and Steve’s pocket watch that he inherited from his asshole dad. He’d dismantle it carefully, methodically piece by piece, learning the insides and out of each device, so that if and when they stopped running, he'd know exactly what was wrong just by holding it up to his ear.
That didn't necessarily transfer here, but it couldn't be all that different.
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Turns out it's very different and you both had to resort to watching several videos before you even began to attempt to fix it. 
He retreats the toolbox from the corner, grateful that at least you didn't have to waste a good half hour going looking for tools to fix a fuckin’ clock.
“There's no signs of life in the mechanism,” you say, reading from the phone. “So I guess we start with the most basic shit.” 
He only lets out a noise in acknowledgement, before you both spend time dusting away at gears and checking for broken parts. When nothing seems bent or misaligned, you move onto the next step. 
And that's when the fun actually starts. 
“That’s not how you oil a gear.”
“Sure it fuckin’ is,” Bucky comments, careful making sure the grease reaches every nook and cranny.
“You’re doing it wrong.” 
Bucky doesn't take his eyes off the machine, and instead raises his left hand up, clenching it into fist and releasing it, leaving the soft shifting of all the plates to prove his point. 
You scoff. “What, just ‘cause you have a metal arm you're the world’s leading expert in oiling mechanics?”
“It means I’ve got some experience in taking care of them.” 
“I’ve seen you put that thing in the dishwasher, don’t even try with me,” you warn. 
Busted. He usually got away with lying flagrantly about his arm, but apparently you pay attention to him and the fact that the Wakandan tech only required a wipedown every once and a while. 
“I do woodwork, I know how to oil things,” he switches seamlessly over to the next lie. 
The tools rarely needed any maintenance and he really didn't have to do much with them yet, considering how high quality they were. But he has an idea of what he could be doing, and that's what counts. 
You narrow your eyes at him. “How come you’ve never made anything for me?”
“I don’t like you.” 
“That’s not what I asked.”
Bucky continues squeezing oil into axles without sparing you a glance. “What do you want?”
“What can you make?”
“Boxes.”
“Make me a box then.”
“No.”
“Bitch.”
Bucky smiles to himself, turning the gears to see them move smoothly.
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You dust off cobwebs from the pendulums to get it swinging again, you use your powers to stare at the crank until it rotates on its own to wind up, and to the best of your estimation, make sure the weights are raised to the right heights. 
The whole affair takes nearly 3 hours and towards the end, the both of you are hurriedly rushing through the motions, placing aside the need to argue to just get the damn thing done in time. At some point, telekinesis keeps the pendulum swinging. 
“Did you check everything?”
“Yes.”
“Everything.”
“Yes, Bucky.” you sigh. “All major pieces are working. The clock should move.”
Proof of your word, the clock starts ticking again. It goes from 9:00 to 9:05 without any hitches, and then continues on without interference. 
“Hell yeah,” you cheer and Bucky heaves a sigh of relief.
“Come on,” he urges under his breath, checking his phone again.
2 minutes to go.
“I love the passage of time,” you state unnaturally loudly. “I've never been more grateful for the passage of time.”
“Don't jinx this.”
1 more minute.
“That's not jinxing, it's good lu-”
Bucky feels a cold breeze swipe across his cheek. 
He inhales sharply. 
“Fuck.” Your stomach drops to the ground. 
In the blink of an eye, everything you'd managed to get done in the last 3 hours had gone right back to the way it had been. Dusty, unmoving and dull. 
Bucky robotically checks the time on his phone. 
9pm.
His fingers rub his temples. “What's the next plan?”
“We must have not done it right,” you reason quietly, taking a step towards it. “Something's wrong.”
“The thing was moving, I think we got it,” Bucky sighs irritatedly. 
“Well, we gotta try again,” you turn to him sharply. “You don't have to be here but I'm gonna do it.”
Bucky raises both his eyebrows at you, and you stare back with equal determination. 
“Fine,” he forgoes. “I'll look downstairs.”
It takes less time this time around. It gives you half an hour to check if it is moving again, and you watch the hands move from 9 to 9:05 to 9:20 with no problem.
Meanwhile, Bucky spends his time turning the intermediate room inside out in search for other clues. 
When he finds nothing there, he trudges back to the clock, finding you fingers crossed but confident that you'd done it.
“This is it, baby,” you say, bouncing on the balls of your feet. “We're getting out of this.”
“Here's to hoping,” he says in a tone that lets you know he isn’t convinced, watching his timer countdown from 30 seconds.
“No hoping. There's nothing to do. We're leaving,” you declare. “I've never seen a clock work more beautifully in my life.” 
Three.
Two.
One.
Bucky holds his breath. 
And a wind blows past his face.
The machine resets to the way it was. 
“All fuckin’ right,” Bucky mumbles, expiring a breath deeply. 
“It's fine,” you say, forcing a smile. “I've got a few more ideas.”
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Cleaning the floors doesn't work. 
Reading up about the clock tower in  detail and honouring its legacy in an earnest ceremony doesn't work. 
Fixing it for a third time doesn't work either.
“I'm takin’ a nap,” he informs, back against the wall. “I'll deal with this shit again when I wake up.”
“How can you even think about sleeping right now?” you ask, using your powers to pull the damn clock out of the wall. It changes nothing.
“I've thought about sleeping through much worse,” he grumbles, eyes closed. 
“I'm beginning to think you have an iron deficiency.”
“Literally a supersoldier.”
“Vitamin D deficiency,” you revise. “Can you step into the sun or do you just like, start hissing and burning?”
“We’ve never gonna find out, ‘cause we’re never making it out of tonight,” he hums, eyes closed. 
You go still, clock hovering mid air. 
“You don't think we're getting out?”
“I think we're fucked,” Bucky mumbles, yawning as he makes himself as comfortable as old wooden floors would allow him to be. “Y’told me yourself, we tried all the big plans. There's no puzzle. We're trapped.”
The clock lands on the ground with a heavy thud. 
“Careful,” he warns, wondering how cozy the floor would be if he just slid down and laid there. “Wouldn't wanna break the fuckin’ thing that put us in this mess to begin with.”
“Fuck,” you breathe out. “Fuck, fuck, fuck.”
Bucky opens one eye to peer at you. “What?”
“What do you think, Bucky?” you fire back. “We’re stuck in a timeloop for eternity because we’ve tried the most obvious options and we’re still here.”
“Could be a lot cleaner, but this ain’t the worst place to get stuck for the rest of your life,” he tempts, arms crossed behind his head, feeling a dull strain in his neck. 
“We’re gonna be stuck here forever,” you say, dawning horror in your inflection. “I’m gonna be stuck with you for the rest of eternity.”
“So much for chivalry,” he says wryly.
“We need a new plan,” you digress hectically from the other side of the room. 
“Here's one. I get some sleep, order some pizza in the next loop or two and–”
“No.”
“Fine, Thai works too. Whatever. Then we-”
“You don’t get it,” you snap abruptly. “Jesus Christ, this is literally my worst fucking nightmare. Either help or leave.”
He pries both eyes open at the sudden shift in your tone. He’s used to you snapping at him for his bullshit, and the favour was usually reciprocated, but not like this.  
Your back is turned to him, but he can tell you’re breathing heavily as you check out the new gap you've created in the wall where the clock was, before turning around and lifting the entire machine in the center of the room. 
“Hey,” he calls, voice gruff, slowly pushing himself off the floor. 
You throw him a look, continuing to move pieces of newspaper and tools and check under it. 
He watches you curse under your breath, lifting things too high and dropping them down a little too hard without flinching even once. 
“Look,” he tries again, a little louder. 
You flip the machine upside down, fully intending on taking it apart and putting it back together as if it was going to make a big difference.
“Grab the wrench. Or don't, I don't give a–”
Bucky grips your shoulder with a call of your name. It’s enough to get you to pause from sheer surprise at how close he suddenly positioned himself, considering it was a well known fact that Bucky hated people in his space. 
“Listen to me. We’re going to get out of here,” he instructs, voice much more muted than you were used to. “But you have to calm down.”
You take in a deep breath, before it leaves in a shaky exhale. Whatever you’ve got levitating gently drops onto the ground.
“You’re panicking. I would be too if I wasn’t dead inside,” he notes, hands still on your shoulder firmly. “Do whatever you need to to get it out of your system. It’ll be easier to focus after that. We'll be out of here soon enough.”
“You seem awfully sure.” Your mouth curls into a half smile, but it drops as quickly as it came up. 
“We’ll figure something out.” His shoulders rise and fall. “Got all the time in the world.”
You swallow the thickness in your throat, giving him a small nod.
“‘M sorry,” he says, eyes intense, and you know he’s talking about the nonchalance he showed earlier. “I was bein’ a prick.” 
“Honestly, you being a prick is, like, the most normal part about this.”
“...thanks.” 
“It’s fine, I could use some normal.” You brush it off with a slight smile. “You’re right. We should get some food. I’m hungry.”
“Alright,” he says, eyeing your features for a second more. “But you’re buying. Payback for making me clean up every floor twice.”
“Prick.”
His conversation with Steve from earlier that night comes back to him, the same time you take another breath to shake off the antsiness. 
Bucky lifts a eyebrow to look more natural. “You still sure it’s me who needs self-actualisation? ‘Cause it sure seems that you’ve got a whole lot to talk about.”
You half-scoff, half-laugh. “Is that your way of saying I’ve got issues?”
“Just using your words.”
You watch him for a second, like you’re thinking about saying something. He tilts his head at how contemplative you look, only for you to open your mouth and ask,
“Say, do you think emotional baggage is hot?” you wiggle your brows. “‘Cause if you do, I’ve got a whole lot of it.”
He groans out loud, neck craning as his head drops back. 
“Also,” you pose a bit more curiously, “you gonna let go of me any time soon or are we about to slow dance?”
Bucky’s hands immediately drop from your shoulder, taking a step back. “Fuck off.”
“I could, but I’d just respawn here in three hours.”
He rolls his eyes, but he can’t help but feel a bit relieved that you looked a lot less in distress. 
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You'd spent two loops doing a deep dive into timeloops, coming up with more possibilities to try out.
Leaving the building at each hour did nothing. 
You spent 1 loop eating dinner and reaching out to scientists you knew on how to break out. Those who replied either said they weren't real, told you stuff you'd already figured out, or blocked you.
You even spent half a loop painstakingly combing through footage from earlier in the night to figure out if you'd fucked with anything by mistake that you were yet to correct, not noticing it so far because it had been so minor or mundane. 
“Oh shit, I just noticed something,” you gape, pointing at the screen
Bucky pulls the little monitor closer to his face. “What?”
“You’re looking at me so much in these,” you remark, voice relaxing immediately. “What's up with that?” 
“Maybe because you’re the only one talking,” Bucky fires back, irritatedly putting the camera back down, “and it’s not like there’s anything else to look at here.”
“So defensive,” you comment. “Just say you think I’m cute and move on.”
“Shut up.”
“Shut me up yourself, coward.”
To be clear, Bucky didn't realise he was looking at you that much. And now that you’ve pointed it out, he can’t really argue because he is doing it a lot more than he realised he was, even unconsciously sometimes. 
“How many more timeloops till you run out of these lines?” he questions instead.
“How many more timeloops till you stop being a handsome son of a bitch?”
The clock tower may be cold, but he feels too warm all of a sudden. 
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“I swear, if this doesn’t work, I’m throwing the clock out the window,” you say, powers forcing the hands to speed through every hour and second at 2x speed. 
Bucky doesn’t even look up at you from over his phone. “You throw it, you’re fixing it again.”
You stop trying to spin the hands when one of them creaks. 
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A few loops in and the growing frustration from the both of you manifests into tension that is palpable. 
You'd spent a loop or two outside the tower so you didn't drive yourself insane. Without fail, you'd end up right back up watching the clock every single time the world outside struck 12.
Bucky’s done his fair share of attempts. Jacket on, jacket off. Holding the camera, being the one who led into the room, the one who led out. 
Mainstream movies, obscure movies, video essays, podcasts. 
“I don’t fuckin’ get it. What are we missing?” you pour over the options again, frustrated. “We’ve done everything. We’ve done combinations of things.”
“There’s something we’re missing,” he says, staring at the moon through the face. “Some detail.” 
It's not like you can physically keep track of every variable. Everything resets the second it strikes 12, no matter what you changed. 
“I think–” 
He sends you a glance.
“Maybe if we–” you try before you stop altogether.  
Bucky just stays quiet because at this point you've exhausted every option you can think of, to no avail. 
He knows you don't want to say it. 
But it's time you start accepting that you're well and truly stuck. 
“Should write Maya an email,” he tells you. “Tell her we quit.”
You give him a smile, knowing it would never even make its way to her.
Still, you pull out your phone and let Bucky peek over your shoulder as you start typing, helpfully suggesting curses as you went. 
____
You absentmindedly tinker with the machine, able to take it apart, fix it and put it back together by heart and in no time now.
“What was the last mission you guys did?” you inquire, rotating a gear between your fingers. 
“Something small,” Bucky replies, voice steady. “Think it was just a recon in Detroit.”
“Do you miss it?” 
“No,” he says resolutely. “Everyone got tired of them a long time ago, but we stick around, just in case.”
You spare him a glance. “When was the last time you actually relaxed?”
Bucky considers it for a second. “Wakanda. Wasn't exactly a vacation though.” 
“New question. When was the last time you went on vacation?”
He raises an eyebrow, head twisting to look at you. 
You place the gear in its place before picking up the oil dropper. “Don’t answer if you don’t wanna.”
He turns his head back to the ceiling, and all the spider webs lining it. 
“Couple of years before I got drafted, my family took a day trip to Convey Island.” he reveals, voice low. “We were supposed to hit as many rides as we could but my sister was aboslutely fuckin’ taken by this damn steam engine they had running. Everyoe got sick of it after the second time so I stuck around with her. Must’a ridden that thing 5 times before she finally let up.” 
You have half a smile on your face. “Did you like it?”
He can't really remember. He can't even remember if the rest of his family was actually there, or whether it was just him and Steve and Becca, or it was just him and Becca.
“I liked that she liked it,” he decides.
You nod, wiping a gear before putting it back, snickering lightly.  “Was the last vacation you took really in the 1930s?” 
He exhales a laugh. “Steve and I went to the Canyon once. It was near a mission location. He told me I'd been dyin’ to go there as a kid. I don't remember that, but he fuckin’ dragged me there by the collar. Not sure if that really counts– we were both bleeding pretty heavy for it to be a real holiday.”
“Steve would say it counts.”
“Steven’s never taken a vacation in his life.” Bucky snorts. “I don't think he physically knows how to relax.”
“I don't think I've ever seen that man sit still for more than a few minutes.”
“Fuckin' rich coming from you. How many jobs have you had? A million?”
You exhale a laugh. “Something like that.”
You push the pendulum with your finger, watching it swing back and forth. 
“Where’d you stick the longest?” Bucky asks, hands supporting his head as he lies on the ground. 
You take a second to think, picking up a gear you’d already cleaned, wiping it down again.
“When I just got out of Leviathan, I used to wait tables for this elderly lady who ran a bakery. Mrs. Mullens,” you say finally. “She was kinder than anyone else I'd met till then; gave me leftovers that didn’t get sold that day, and enough money to get on my feet. I must've been there, what, a year? Year and a half? I think that’s the longest I’ve stayed.” 
“Why’d you quit?” He does his best to not sound too intrusive. 
“One evening she slipped keys into my pocket and told me I could stay in the room above the cafe if I wanted. Realised I’d been there too long, so I left the state the next morning.”
Bucky’s eye twitches as he turns to look at you. “She gave you a place to stay and you skipped town?”
“Yeah.” You half-shrug. “Staying in a place too long feels– suffocating. I don’t know. Just knew it was time to leave.”
Bucky looks at you strangely, mind inadvertently trying to piece together a bunch of information. 
Working on a hunch, he tests, “You got family out there somewhere?”
“I was literally created in a lab,” you deadpan. “I don’t have a family. Unless you count test tubes.”
“It doesn't have to be mean literally.” He arches an eyebrow. “What about Nat?”
“Nat’s a friend.” you disclose, holding a cog up to check for any stains, “The Avengers aren’t my family the same way they are for you. They’re great, but it’s just another job.”
Oh. 
“Right,” he says, settling back into his position, feeling a frown on his face.
“I haven’t really found what you’re asking me about,” you add, and he knows you're trying to be kind.
He isn't sure what he thought the team was to you. He isn't sure what he feels about the new information either.
“What’s it feel like?”
“What?” he asks distractedly. 
“Having people like that,” you clarify. “Maybe if I know what it feels like I’ll know when it happens.”
You’ve all but asked the most emotionally constipated man on earth what family feels like to him.
So reasonaly, Bucky blanks. 
Literally every single interaction with the dead and the living exits his mind. 
And so he blurts out the first thing that comes to mind, 
“Silent blenders.” 
And then he cringes. 
“Is that the name of a movie or…” you trail off.
“No. They got me blenders that don’t make a sound. It was a nice gift,” he mumbles. 
You wait for him to provide even a little more context. He instead shifts uncomfortably. 
“Okay,” you allow, looking back down. “Silent blenders. Got it.”
Bucky thinks about it for a second more, and his head starts throbbing.
Instead, he dodges. “Guess you’re not gonna stick around for too long then, huh?”   
“Well, yeah,” you answer, like it was the easiest thing in the world.  “I was always going to just bounce after this was done. I thought you knew that.”
“Right,” he repeats. “Where you headed next?”
“Who knows?” you mull over. “I could go anywhere. You got any reccs?”
He doesn’t really have an answer for you. Bucky can’t imagine packing up and leaving again. Living life never knowing when he can finally take a seat. He’s spent so long wrestling with the turbulence of having multiple identities that he clings to what little semblance of stability he can find.
But a tiny voice in the recess of his mind whispers to him that maybe the reason he's stayed at the same place for so long is the same reason you can’t. 
He has a half formed hypothesis. And then soon comes to the conclusion that he really has no business deriving theories about you like that… but he’d be lying if he said he didnt store it in his head for later. 
He also doesn't know why there's a strange churning in his stomach, a deeply uncomfortable feeling that he hasn't really felt in years. It makes him want to get up and leave. 
“Y’know, just ‘cause I’m gonna leave eventually doesn’t mean we’re not friends.” You snap him out of his first great attempt to understand human emotions other than annoyance. 
He hums. “I wouldn't call us that.” 
“You’re right, we’re star crossed lovers.”
“I feel bad for the next person who has to deal with you.”
You laugh, swinging the pendulum into motion and wiping your hands down. 
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You’d taken turns sleeping in two of the time loops, keeping watch while the other rested for a while.
Only when you're asleep does Bucky fully comprehend how quiet it is in there. 
The clouds cover the moon. The floorboards don't make much noise even as he walks around.
He's lost track of how many 9pms it's been. 
He doesn't know why it’s lingering in his mind like this. Probably because he had only thought of her a couple of hours ago. 
He knows you suggested it as a joke but he can't help but wonder.
What if it was actually him keeping the both of you here?  
He really thought he'd made amends. He'd been living as peacefully as he was able to. And yeah, he's a dick, but he wasn't outright evil.
Or so he thought.
Maybe he hadn’t repented as hard as he’d needed to. 
“Becks,” he calls quietly. “If you can hear me– I'm sorry.”
No one responds. You don't stir. 
He forces himself to exhale and continue, “I know you'd hate what I turned into, but I'm tryin’ here. I promise.”
He wishes a damn piece of paper would give him a sign on what to do, or at least tell him there was no coming back. That he should probably resign himself to his fate. 
“You should've had someone who coulda shielded you. Given you a chance to be a kid.” He swallows down the stone in his throat. “I know you're mad, Peanut. I'm really fuckin’ sorry. You deserved a whole lot better.” 
And then he waits, and waits some more, ears straining for anything– a giggle, a scrape. He doesn't know what he expected, but he gets nothing. 
Only a draft blows through the window. 
A shiver runs through you, and you curl into yourself, but thankfully you still don't wake. Bucky has no idea how he’d explain this to you anyway. 
Still, he quietly makes his way towards you, shrugging off his jacket and draping it across you carefully, watching as you relax again.
He blows out an exhale, watching the minutes tick by. 
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“Do you think we’re gonna get old here or do we reset every time the loop resets?” you ask aloud.
“Our clothes kept regenerating with us, so I guess we keep resetting too.”
You hum. “Damn, we can’t even grow old together.”
Bucky adds nothing, only turning to you with a deadpan expression.
“What?” you ask.
“What?” he counters. “No old person jokes this time?”
“There’s no fun if you're expecting it,” you sigh.
“Incredible,” he replies, monotonous. 
There’s silence. He hears wind rustle through the room. 
You sit up, and he can feel your eyes boring into him. 
“What?” he asks again.
“Does it upset you?” you ask somberly. “When I make those jokes?”
“No,” he replies. “They’re fine.”
“And when I keep using pickup lines on you– does that make you uncomfortable?” you continue, however, much to his surprise. 
He turns to you with his eyebrows lowered. “Since when does that matter?”
“It matters,” you say quietly. “I knew it annoyed you, I didn’t know they made you uncomfortable.” 
He stares at you for a long while, before settling on, “They don’t.”
“Sure?”
“I don’t care.” He looks ahead. “I’ll tell you if they do.” 
“Okay,” you relent. “If you say so.”
He shakes his head, feeling a strange sort of feeling settle in his chest. He can’t say he hates it, but he would rather not deal with it.
“Bein’ in here’s making you weird.”
You narrow your eyes. “The fuck does that mean?”
“You know what it means,” he asserts. 
“I’m being totally normal, you’ve just refused to hang out with me so you wouldn’t know what that is.”
“I see you every week.” 
“For video shoots.”
“We hang out otherwise,” he scoffs, suddenly feeling very offended. “We literally went to the store the other day.”
“To buy batteries,” you emphasize. “For the video shoots.”
“We’ve gone to the park,” he exclaims, sitting up. “And we eat lunch together sometimes. And we watched that stupid fuckin’ movie in theatres at midnight twice because you lied the second time and told me it was another one – what was it called? Metropolis?”
“Megalopolis,” you say, amused at his outburst. 
“That. Garbage fuckshit. And we’ve taken the cat–”
“Alpine.”
“I know her name,” he hisses. “To the vet. And that’s all in the last month.”
“Jeez, you keep a journal every time we hang out? What are you, obsessed with me?” you ask, trying to bite back a shit-eating grin. 
“Point is,” he grits. “We hang out.”
Fuck. Turns out, maybe Steve was right.
“Tomato, tomahto,” you dismiss. “You’re so obsessed with details. You could’ve just said you’re in love with me and moved on instead of bringing out the whole Excel sheet of every minute we spent together.”
“I hate you,” he groans, dropping back down.
You laugh. It makes the corner of his mouth curl up, just a little.  
“What’s the time?” he asks, blowing out an exhale from his nose.
“Like 11:30?,” you sigh.
“That’s all?” He wants to groan again. 
“Does it matter? We’re stuck here forever. We can get more takeout in the next loop.”
“You’re paying.”
“I paid last time, asshole.”
He clicks his tongue on the roof of his mouth. “Tomato, tomahto.” 
“Touché.” 
You spin a gear in the air, waiting for the hour to pass.
It suddenly hits him. Something that you'd shown across episodes of witchcraft and haunted hospitals. 
Something you showed literally three minutes ago. 
If this worked, he’d probably hug you and your stupid, chaos incarnate self.  
“Come on, let’s get this clock fixed,” he grumbles, getting back up on his feet. 
“What?” 
“I think you’re right,” he says, sticking his arm out to help you up. 
“Huh?” you blink at him. “I know the footage is gonna get erased again, but I need you to say that into the camera once for me. And state that you’re of sound mind and body while you’re at it.”
He sends you a look. “Come on.”
“I fixed it already, Bucky.”
“What’s the time?” He ignores you.
“Nearly 12,” you tell him, checking your phone. 
“Need you to be precise.”
“Why?”
“Humour me,” he says calmly. “Details are for losers, remember?”
“11:57 and 32 seconds.”
He manually winds the big arm up, the short hand still following. Until the seconds ticker matches the time you were calling out, down to the last second.
“What are you doing?” you enquire curiously, peeking over his shoulder.
“Making it match real time,” he tells you. “Properly.”
He checkes gears and pushes pendulums and everything works like it’s brand new. You’d gotten real good at this. 
“11:59 and 43 seconds,” you call.  
Bucky closes his eyes, forcing his breath to remain steady. It’s the first time that evening he’s had more than a sliver of hope. 
“57 seconds,” you say quietly, voice tired. 
And then there's silence. 
He doesn't have the energy to open his eyes and find the machinery back to scraps. 
But eventually he does. And when he opens it again, you’re still standing there, near the machine. Not the entrance of the room. 
The clock reads 12:02.
He turns to you, calmly saying, “Let’s get out of here.”
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The drive back home is silent, apprehensive with tension tight as a stretched rubber band. Like if you breathed too hard, you'd find yourself back in the dark room. 
You step in the elevator together, pressing the buttons for your floor and his. 
He doesn’t know whether it’s the fear or the fact that you've now spent several hours together when time didn’t make sense, but the ride up is slower than usual. 
Bucky stands with his back pressed to the wall of the elevator, eyes closed, hands stuffed in his pockets. 
“It never occured to me,” your voice is quiet. “It’s the one thing I didn’t think of because I was so focused on getting out.”
“Didn't think of it either.” Bucky’s shoulders shrug, eyes closed. “Not your fault.” 
“Kinda is.”
“I would've realised earlier if I paid attention,” he counters. 
You stare at him. 
“Are you done or should I keep going?”
You blow out an exhale. “This game sucks.”
“Don't play this shit with me. It's the one thing I'm good at.”
The elevator dings, creeping open on his floor.
He stays right where, back pressed against the wall, unmoving. 
“It's your floor,” you inform.
“I know.”
The door waits a few seconds before it closes.
It finally reaches your floor, opening with a bright ding. 
He watches you step out, casting an unsure look towards him.
You gesture awkwardly, “Do you need anything?”
“Nah,” he says, eyes still closed. 
“What are– oh,” you stop all of a sudden. “Is this your way of walking me to my door?”
Bucky’s face doesn’t betray any expression. “See you later.”
You fight a smile, raising two fingers to give him a wave. 
He gives you a small nod as the door closes on him, reaching forward to press the button to his floor again.
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giverofempathy · 1 year ago
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besties i'm in a Situation and idk what to do
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lokh · 1 month ago
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also i think if roleswap laios and canon laios met theyd immediately start fighting.
#canon laios would blurt out 'why do you look like our dad' and fisticuffs ensue.#shuro........ is a little more complicated#if canon shuro doesnt think too hard about it and just treats the other him like a stranger then theres no problem#on the other hand i imagine he holds himself to high standards and if he sees his other self doing things he considers improper or uncouth.#i imagine hed only speak up if he saw it happen A Lot like hed pull him aside like hey... what the fuck#thered be a bit of 'holy shit i woulda turned out like THAT??' on both sides#roleswap shuro would often get frustrated but i think hed understand that like. thats how the culture is like he lived it too#but i think similarly hed watch laios steamroll og shuro and eventually be like. DUDE. just say something#shorter fuse lmao. anyways still turning this AU over in my head#how much more forward can shuro be before hes unbelievably out of character...#and what if they switched universes!!!!#if laios switched. it would be immediately obvious something is up in the og universe but it may be chalked up to like#a weird mood..... though maybe the party starts to wonder 'hey... is it not possible this is a shapeshifter' 😭#but og laios in the roleswap universe...#tbh havent thought too hard on what the party dynamics in that universe might be like assuming all else is the same save for the roleswap#i imagine chilchuck would still get on alright as long as hes being paid upfront and laios is still attentive/ recognises his abilities#and limitations also. marcille................................... hmm#she might treat him more formally and be less close.... may perceive him as more threatening at first meeting#(in terms of like. 'taking falin away' i mean if that makes sense)#but well. u kno how in canon laios Does notice a lot of things about his companions and has a very pragmatic view that surprises them#and they dont tend to notice until he says it aloud because its often overlooked cos of his. everything else.#well. id imagine roleswap laios still notices things but simply would not say it aloud.#the party would also be like .. dude... did he hit his head#if SHURO swapped...................... well it depends when exactly it happened#i imagine it could be a bigger issue with the retainers#im losing steam cos my lower back hurt so bad adgfsdfg i cant get a good position on this chair#but for shuro himself i imagine it would be nightmarish lmao.#roleswap (henceforth RS) shuro would wake up as an adult with the retainers like. ??? was that all a dream?? did i never make it out#meanwhile og shuro ending up god knows where..........#if he ended up with the retainers again he might not immediately realise somethings amiss and try to act normally
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triglycercule · 21 days ago
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can the mtt commit more crimes that just murder please i know theyre the MURDER time trio but ppppleasse,,,, please,,,,,,
they'd be terrible to be next to on the highway. horror's going 160 mph amd has long past gone over the speed limit. dust's out for BLOOD and by blood i mean your tires. he's somehow sniping those round rubber wheels from the high moving vehicle with the precision of a master fruit ninja player. if your car explodes or flips over in the process that's not his fault. and then to make matters worse for everyone on the highway killer's in the backseat scratching up the doors and windows of your car with a knife everytime horror gets close to another car and oops he accidentally just disfigured your face also did i mention theyre all drunk during this
ok so theyve all got the classic face WHY DONT THEY ABUSE IT!!!! horror gets to do a little paper mache to cover up his head hole and then wearing glasses. killer i dont know what the FUCK he can do to get rid of his perpetual tears but let's just pretend that theyre conveniently gone for now. and then all dust has to do is put down his hood! anyways identity theft is cool. imagine how much they could totally fuck up classic's reputation with this. set up fake tinder profiles and then scam people for their credit card info/free dates (while ordering every expensive thing) and stealing wallets. walking into various grillby's's around the multiverse and telling terrible jokes. like ACTUALLY bad jokes. and then of course just being a huge piece of shit at the bar. god theres so many things they could do pretending to be classic. which one of us is hikaru looking ahh except the only difference between the three is the color of the stains on their clothes (either gray (dust) black (killer) or red. well faded red (horror))
ROBBERY!!!! ROBBERIES PLURAL!!!??? train robbery gas station robbery bank robbery GOVERNMENT robbery (what would you rob the government for?? documents??? idk) anyways. mtt robbing a train except its just a really shitty plan and they dont know jackshit about what theyre doing. killer's taken over the conductor's cabin and now he is booking it. how fast are trains allowed to go idk but the maximum. anyways meanwhile horror's on the tracks fucking up the rails with his strength or whatever (listen i know he's weak but picking and choosing what hcs i believe in is my art) and dust is there to teleport him away before the train crashes into him and turns him into a trolley problem victim. and then of course that shit doesnt fucking work and the train just ends up flipping over and catching on fire or something (killer survives because of course he does he's killer). and then in the end dust just has to flip the entire train over and they just stroll into the part that actually HAS the money
and then they go out and get ice cream. sometimes the murderers need to take a break from murdering and just do NORMAL crime yk???
#dragging this absolutely ancient draft out of the trenches because i've been having a scene in my head that fits this#i mean not REALLY related to this since its not a crime. more like him reckless abandon of life! their own lives! yeah they die#imagining.... trio driving around in the mountains. dust's driving ans horror's in the passenger and killer's in the back seat because he i#and dust just starts speeding up like...... much more than he really should be in the fucking mountains#and killer points it out and now all of a sudden horror is absolutely terrified LMAOOOO trying to get dust to slow down#and then they crash. but if there's no one more determined in the world killer can always load a save and theyre alive again#and dust is STILL speeding when they come back even with the knowledge that they die and horror's still terrified#but dust just tells him to calm down and loosen up a little bit!!! theyll come back afterwards anyways and they dont even die in pain#and after a few more deaths horrors just like. ugh. fine. you know what FINE ILL GO ALONG WITH IT#he says as he starts laughing along with dust because man!! the feeling of looking out at nature right before they die in a blaze of glory#is GREAT!!!! and then you know something something horrordust have trust in killer to bring them back after they all die#something something horror is willing to give up his usual reservations to have fun with the other two#and its so fun afterwards.... because nobody but them gets hurt!!! dust and horror wouldnt wanna hurt anyone after their au lore#and killer has no reason to in this scenario. so it all works out for them!! the only people getting hurt are them and lowkey they deservei#the sans in the au is probably sooo confused as to why the world is reloading even though theres no human doing so 💀 killer you GOOF#theyve probably all died so many times but only they remember it. soooo cute.... only they get to see each other at their weakest 💔💔💔#killer absolutely abuses the save point when theyre all together i just knowww ittttt sooooo well#he wants everything to continue not restart or go back??? ok but everything IS continuous with these two#not like they stay doing one thing over and over anyways so its not really perpetual. anyways dust and horror would get bored along with hi#if they just kept doing the exact same thing over and over trying to find every possible ending. nahhhh#triglycercule this is sooo unhealthy none of them would do this!! ok well they make each other worse who said it was ever gonna be healthy#screw EVERYONE in the violet banquet discord server who indulged me in my trio waltz dancing in a field of flowers at 3 am. brainrot now...#this scene i described in tags totally happened in my trio meet each other fic btw. just that it hasn't gotten to this point at ALL yet 💀💀#tricule rant#killer sans#dust sans#horror sans#murder time trio#sans au#utmv
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reel-fear · 7 months ago
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Genuinely so curious who Mike thinks is gonna be buying The Cage or the new DCTL GN bc with the way he tweets as far as he's concerned, it's not gonna be:
The queer people he has actively admitted he will never show any representation of in the games.
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2. The POC he has actively fought against representing in his franchise. [Who he also mocked for thinking they would be represented in his franchise]
3. The Bendy fandom which has always been concerned with topics of diversity esp in the sense of queer people since its creation. Who he has responded to really poorly esp in regards to the GN.
4. The fans who critique him. [He blocked me for doing so lol]
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5. His fans in general who he tweets about like this currently. [He's being vague about why people were mad at him or sent him 'nasty messages' because if you actually looked into why you'd see he was in the wrong. Either way, a very hateful way to speak abt ur own fanbase.]
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Reminder while Mike is trash talking his fans he has always treated them rather poorly. The fans who won the fanart contest for Chapter 5 never got their posters actually in game due to it being rushed. Not only was chapter 5 a big slap to the face story wise, but it was literally so rushed he couldn't be bothered to add in the art his fans gave him for his game FOR FREE. [Meatly blames this on a crazy timeline, reminder him and Mike are the literal ceos of this company. The proposal of future updates here is also pretty cruel considering Mike nowadays happily admits he corrupted Chapter 5's source code and therefore literally can't update it At All currently. Because he is a moron]
At least they got to be in Boris and the dark survival, and by that I mean that was the Only game they got to be in so far, isn't that just treating your fans like you love them? Shoving their hard work into a spin off game almost nobody has played or addresses much. [Hell, who knows if with the Lone Wolf rebrand they'll even stay there. In which case they'll be in None of the games, only in the credits of BATIM]
6. The Bendy fans who just generally disagree with him on stuff. Like the new ink demon design where there is literally a public poll showing people generally prefer the old one.
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7. The Bendy fans who can see he is actively lying to them. To their fucking faces.
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He says this has always been the case, but screenshots and links to tweets regarding the books being canon prove it was not. Does he really think bendy fans are stupid or something? [Unless he's admitting here he lied to Kress when he told her the books were canon which sounds worse!]
8. Anyone who doesn't like the idea of giving money to a guy who laid off tons of employees then afterwards thought it was a great idea to express his anti-union views! Also brag about how good of an employer he was, according to his employees, he was not!
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So in summary; Mike is an awful person who has not learned anything from the awful things he did. I will not be purchasing The Cage because, combined with this and his absolute refusal to take any kind of critique or see any differing interpretation of his franchise, I have no reason to think my problems with the franchise will ever be addressed or fixed. I probably will pirate The Cage along with any future Bendy Products [Including the movie] and will do my best to avoid giving it any kind of monetary support. Unless this changes any time soon, I can't see myself making anymore positive Bendy posts soon.
Mike has just managed to make it so hard to speak positively or optimistically of this franchise when he's so willing to broadcast how little he cares about it or its fans. I'm at the point where I refuse to pull any of my punches with my problems with it. What's the point of trying to play nice with my critique when either way the people creating it don't care?
So with this post, I want to invite anyone who feels similarly about the franchise to tell me, make a post or send an ask talking about how all of this makes you feel. It may not change how things are, but genuinely seeing other people share my feelings of anger makes me feel better. It feels nice to see when other people share our same concerns and worries. I'd also love to know if anyone else thinks they'll be avoiding purchasing Bendy products over this.
I'm not forcing anyone to participate in it nor trying to say anyone who doesn't supports mike but genuinely maybe if we can collectively decide to boycott things like the movie, graphic novel and The Cage... It might at least make the bendy devs acknowledge how much they have destroyed their own fandom's faith and trust in them.
The way Mike tweets about his actions like he had no control over why people were mad at him at least proves to me he takes NONE of it back nor regrets it. If you didn't know about his actions and only went off his tweets, you would be led to believe Mike has been needlessly picked apart by fans over things he couldn't control [or in his own words, had his words twisted and taken out of context]. That is not how you speak about your actions if you have actually learned better from them.
anyway, that has been my bendy dev callout post. This is an open invitation to anyone feeling similarly upset about the way the franchise is going to talk about it. It's genuinely nice to see how people feel about this and the more we talk about the more it's likely the bendy devs are forced to address our concerns. I don't think they will but hey, that's why I'm not gonna support them with my money anymore nor am I gonna be nice to them in any content I make critiquing Bendy. I mean I'm also basically making this post just in case anyone asks me Why I feel this way towards to bendy devs/as a way to respond to anyone who thinks I am too harsh in my critique in the future.
As always, it seems the best part of Bendy isn't actually anything about canon but about what the fan's are creating with the ideas Bendy failed to do anything interesting with.
Also the books, the books slap.
#batim#batdr#bendy and the ink machine#bendy and the dark revival#ramblez#bendy and the silent city#bendy the cage#for the record another reason Im making this post is bc some of the only good resources to learn abt why the bendy devs suck are some old#very longer videos and this is a very long post but I thought it was important to document the recent shit theyve been doing alongside some#of the worst past things theyve done bc Mike has been trying to misinform people on what happened but those videos are still great resource#if you want more info n such#long post#mike D#for anyone who doesnt wanna hear abt him since he doesnt go by mood anymore#sorry if this is rambley or emotional Im just so sick of these guys fr dskjhgskdfjghskdjhgkjhsd#I miss when I didnt spend my days stressed about the awful shit mike is gonna say next and how I would have to disprove it in a post later#or explain why its bad to have a cast of nothing but cishet white guys n constantly fight back against any push for diversity in said cast#genuinely its just tiring esp when u see other bendy fans give ignorant or very silly defenses/takes on those things#n then u lose a lot of respect for them bc they are speaking on stuff they dont know much abt so confidently and therefore misinforming#people or even encouraging very bad views on stuff like diversity n its importance#Im not saying people like that are bad people but it is stressful n upsetting when u see someone u thought knew better do that sort of thin#it makes it hard to trust them again on other issues bc u now dont trust they know what they r talking abt!!#like please think twice before telling young artists making norman white was a tough and complicated decision it was fucking not the bendy#devs just think all their humans are white by default and dont wanna change that its been proven time n time again thats all it is#and defending them just bc u like a franchise they made is very very bad!! They are not ur friends!! they suck and we seriously need to#stop pretending they dont!! toxic positivity is only gonna make the fandom an absolute nightmare its not gonna make ANYTHING better#it just means people will be forced to PRETEND they never have negative thoughts abt the franchise n therefore make them burned out#just look at other similar fandoms please lets not make those same mistakes!!#sorry can u tell Ive been having just. A time recently#anyways back to making my queer ass bendy fan game full of so much diversity mike will prolly shit when he sees it DKFJGHKSDJHGKJHSD
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montied · 12 days ago
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at least if she does go through with it i can just go to seymour and no-one will know. what're they gonna do about it
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phagodyke · 3 months ago
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the masculine urge to take a saucepan off thr draining board and bash myself repeatedly over the head with it until I pass out and no longer have to experience feeling Bad 😍
#struggling to tolerate this one ngl its fucking dire this weekend. i just cant do this man#thr things i would fucking do for attention please. just one person to notice and care in the slighest i feel like im losing my fucking#mind out here how does every single person who has ever mattered to me in my lifr see me in distress and choose to ignore it or maybe they#dont even recognise im ij distress in the first place i dont know whats worse i dont think i hide it well at all im just so done#listen like ultimately its fucking fine. i will get myself through it like ive gotten myself through everything else in my fuckijg life#i dont even feel bad that often these days im doing so so so much better and its so much more tolerable to only have to deal with this#once or twice a week instead of it being a struggle every single day like i dont think i could go back to feeling like that again ever i#dont know how i managed to get througyh it before jesus fucking christ. but i can deal with it i can deal with this#ik ill feel fine tomorrow. its just thr fact im so desperately fucking alone with it that makes it so much worse than it has to be#i fucking hate repression i hate being so incapable of expressing myself that its easier for me to injure myself than it is to talk about#how i feel to anyone i hate being trapped in this stupif fucking torture labyrinth and not knowing how to get out of it and never being#given a single avenue anything to hold onto i hate having to do it alone every single fucking time and when i do try i just freeze out#entirely i cant form a coherent thought my brain enters total fucking shutdown pure static white noise fuzz and i dont know why please#its so unfair i dont think its that much to want a little comfort. just once just for someone to stay with me while i cry it doesnt have#to be more than that i just dont want to be alone like this i just want to feel safe around someone just close to someone just once#and well ill survive without it bc i always have i guess. so far at least. and there are many things im grateful for and i do in general#feel pretty okay my life is pretty good at times even. i feel so pathetic and stupid and ashamed for even feeling like this#but do i have to go my entire life without ever experiencing any kind of real intimacy with another person emotionally that is#i mean physical is nice too and they go hand in hand in some ways but i just want to feel seen and safe over anything.im tired#i feel like i try.but not hard enough i know its all my fault really but i dont know how to try any harder but nothing will ever change if#i dont i cant expect anyone to do anything if i cant rven communicate in thr first place. oh i dont want to think about it anymore#i have a headache from crhing and its not even 8pm ugh. okay. well it is what it is.#ill breathe until i calm down and then tidy up whatever i left in the kitchen and get my work stuff ready for tmr#and polish my boots maybe. and read and go to bed at 9:30 i think. and ill feel fine in the morning#my fault for thinking about it earlier i know i shouldve nipped it earlier on its such an easy spiral to fall into i need to get better#it happens. okay anyway. no cause for concern im good guys. weakly thumbs up at the camera all covered in blood#my period is late actually thats probably all this is lmao. makes sense thinking abt it#cant wait for it to finally start and all earthly desire to leave my body so i never experience pain again amen#.vent#ignore this sorry for being mentally ill im not even that mentally ill anymore so no excuse rly ummmm. bit embarrassing innit.
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hauntingblue · 1 month ago
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ARCANE EPISODE 7!!!!
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MY GOD I WASNT READY FOR ANY OF THIS!!! WHAT WAS THAT!!!
Also ekko wallpaper I got with my fries lmao
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#OH MY GOOOD!!!!!! POWDER AND EKKO!!! AND BENZOOOOOO#ITS LITERALLY WHAT COULD HAVE BEEN OMGG!!!!! POWDER LOOKS SO CUTE 😭😭😭😭 IM CRYING ALREADYYYY#VANDER WITH A BUN!! AND EVERYTHING IS SO FULL OF LIGHT!!! HER EYES!!! MYLO LOOKS SO RIDICULOUS AKDJSK THIS GIRLAAA#“where would you be without her” WELL BUDDY IF YOU KNEW HOW HE IS WITH HER!!! VI IS DEAD????? OR SHE WAS TAKEN FOR THE INCIDENT!!!#LOOK AT WHAT YOU DID JAYCE!!! MY GOD!!! THE GEMS KILLED VI SO THEY JUST COMPLETELY PROHIBITED THEM!!! JAYCE IS IN JAIL PROBABLY!!#the fact we are seeing exactly why jayce should be sorry about what he has done.... and we are seeing him suffer because of it... cinema 🚬#also mel fading into viktor.... also has he realised how she manipulated him in the beggining??? there is so much stuff...#jayce eating contaminated animals and his wound being infected with the arcane too..... is that what will push him....#omg.... ekko likes powder so much... he apologised by painting actual adult vi portraits where the fallen are in his universe 😭😭😭#“she looks so badass” if you knew... is he gonna ask her to help him make hextech.... that is so sick and twisted....#also jayce hurting his leg loke viktor and having to use a cane and brace.... damn and you know whats worse..... that ekko could be like#this with the jinx of his universe IF ISHA HADNT DIED!!! AND IT IS BEACUSE OF JAYCE!! AGAIN!!!!! THIS MAN!!!!!#the drawing with the anomaly and the two men and the inifite symbol... we get it... jayce and viktor forever intertwined by fate....#powder is sensing something is off.... omg time travel..... THE LIMIT IS FOUR SECONDS AFTER HEIMERDINGER EPXLODED ALDHAKSHSKSJSOJSOSLS#i dont want a time travel ending.... if its done for plot to an extent is okay but idk about solving it all.... it makes it feel worhtless#claggor looks so fine its not even funny..... i cant wait to see what everyone thinks. WHERE IS THE LITTLE LADY bc hes called little man 😭#and vander with arm tattoos.... why did they hipster fied him.... he looks younger somehow ajdhakj he went from taking care of 4 kids to 3!#SILCO!!!! AND HE DID TRY TO KILL HIM!! ALSJAKSKAK Ekko just laighing at it.... girl i would be pissed STROMAE??? OMG POWDER!!!!#I JUST REALIZED THE PINK IN HER HAIR IS FOR VI!! AND HER JACKET!! AND A DRESS LIKE HER MOTHER'S!! CRYING!!! FULL BODY CHILLS!!!#CAN WE JUST PRETEND LIKE ITS THE FIRST TIME!!! I GAVE UP ON YOU!!! WHAT HAPPENED BACK THEN I NEED TO KNOW!!! IM SOBBING!!! EKKO!!!!#NOOOOOOO THE ANOMALY NOOOOO!!!! HEIMERDINGER NOOOOO!!!! AND THATS JAYCE!!! IS THAT MAGE VIKTOR???? the monkeys......#the vi toy with the out love song machine.... my god i wasnt expecting any of this i need to breathe i am stil tearing up my god#what a fucking punch in the stomach christ i cant breathe right akdhsksso#the credits saying the deries has benefited from a spanish tax rebate in the canary islands??? you're welcome i guess lmao#animation production carried out there and has ben collaboration with the Spanish gov... alright another win for perro sanxe#talking tag#watching arcane#watching arcane season 2#watching this i dont think im ready for caitvi sex.... after reconciliation even like what will be of me.... now im scared#i am still scared bc idk what happened to jinx and vi and cait still... thats what worried me and boom!! ekko powder with the steel chair..
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opens-up-4-nobody · 4 months ago
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#ay. tomorrow might b the day i face the music#which is to say. i tell my advisor how fucked i am. i mean. ill spin it so it doesn't sound so bad#its just that ive told him like 2 weeks in a row that id send him my edited preproposal and i have not bc im too afraid to start reading#papers related to my project. which is frustrating. and like the thing is. and i kno ive said it before and i kno im not a fucking idiot#i can read papers and i can even understand what theyre broadly saying. but thats it.#zero critical thinking. zero insight. i use all my tiny fucking brain space to try to understand the words on the pages#and even then it only forms this broken fucking image of whats being said. like u dont understand. i used to struggle with writing papers bc#i couldnt fucking connect what i was saying from one paragraph to the next when i was the one doing the fucking writing.#what the fuck am i doing here? and again. im not stupid. i can follow the information if its fucking said out loud but thats not how this#works. and it just feels like sometimes there's a limit to what you're capable of and im at that fucking limit. the undergrads in my lab#have more ability to comment on papers than i do. its so fucking frustrating and i just have to live with knowing itll never get any easier#so what the fuck can i do other than drop out? theres no god damn way im gonna pass a comprehensive exam. not unless i buckel down and break#myself in half to try to retain all the information i need to. which requires that i read so many god damn papers that i cant fucking read.#just. why tf did i pick a career path where my suffering is inherent to a huge part of my job? i feel like ive consistently chosen to take#the hard path in life and ive finally stumbled too far from what is possible for me#so well see what comes out of my mouth tomorrow when i have my weekly meeting. i just feel like its my last semester#i feel like this is it. i just need someone to fucking hire me. bc everytime my lab mate mentions something abt#my project down the line or talks abt future conferences i should attend. im just like. its a nice idea but that's not happening. im just#at the end of the line and it sucks#unrelated
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lunarharp · 11 months ago
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wip thing...
of my bg3 avatar hellebore. i also did some casual nude studies of my 3 characters which i'll put under a cut... rather unlike me after all. (so WARNING for abrupt non-sexual full Artistic nudity lol...,,,,) (< won't be making a habit of this)
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they mean the world to me
#bg3 spoilers#?? idk. gith look so..Emaciated. And long. i guess we don't eat on the astral plane :) anyway..well..too much to say.....#it is very very very depressing having to live in the Real World after that final playthrough meant so very much to me.#i normally feel Hope & suchlike after finishing a highly immersive emotional game..but it's too hard this time and it hurtsssss lol yippee#i appreciate bg3 very much for being a place where i could access the concept of nudity & such like in a way that finally felt comfortable.#bodies are inherently non-sexual. they just Are a Fact of Life. this game being NORMAL about nudity from the character creation screen#makes it possible for someone like me to actually have a chance at accessing sensuality in a way that feels comfortable from there.#dont feel like putting it into words further. im ace. just very grateful to this game. even despite the horrors i will never ever forget it#augoh..gugf.. want to go back. my friends & love are in there.....i'm supposed to just move on? in the real world??? THIS place???? UHH????#my characters canonically look like that too!! i see them as intersex and not so much trans. They just look that way.#Diversity win!!! the people who enacted horrors upon you and are trying to kill you again respect your pronouns!!!! <3#I FAILED HONOUR MODE IN THE STUPIDEST WAY POSSIBLE..ACCIDENTALLY TOUCHED AN ITEM. MY LOVER TOUCHED SOME BLOOD-TOUCHED RAG ITEM @ THE CRECHE#AND MY PEOPLE MASSACRED US... YOU BELOVED PRAT. OF COURSE IT WOULD BE YOU AND IN THIS WAY#grateful for love triangle chaos...INTENSE EX DRAMA... IT HAD MAJOR REPURCUSSIONS THIS TIME...ohh so very much happened ohh my dear#truly don't know how to face the Real World now for real. I Don't Know. something has snapped. ive realised twt just makes me feel sad lol#if something in my spare time isn't at least half as fun as bg3....like.. it's not good enough. god we only have one wild and precious life#being Online makes me feel a loneliness so wretched and painful and horrible i really don't think this is the answer.#Why did you even start drawing in the first place? Why did you start this?#For real..the need to work this out and decide what on earth i'm going to do now has presented itself. Why try to get better..why be online#someone who has an imagination that can keep them so happy and fulfilled...has no business also feeling a loneliness as profound as this.#why was someone THIS introverted and withdrawn and anxious also cursed with such a restlessness?#What are you going to DO now? because hellebore and their lover are fine....... So what about you...?#hellebore..😭😭 AUUGHH!! I JUST WANT TO GO TO MY BED IN THE INN...PLAY ON MY VIOLIN THAT'S WHAT I'D DO!!!! i'd drink some ALE DAMNIT!!!!!#i was rereading My Lesbian Experience With Loneliness- the only time i've seen this level of emotional isolation depicted-and was grateful.#but then i read her latest book and now she has a debilitating substance abuse situation and it's upsetting.#I hope she finds what she was looking for. I hope we all make it. kind of wild that i dont do such major self-sabotage at this point myself#I truly think anyone who manages to find dear friends and achieve fulfillment and happiness with others outside themselves are amazing.#I see it happen from my tower. i hope we all make it. I hope we can make it through everything to come.#Why did i say all this on drawings of my characters naked. ah who even cares any more......
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anotherpapercut · 8 months ago
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working with children really will make you examine your thought processes and emotional reactions like nothing else. I've found myself being so much more thoughtful in my daily life about how I respond to my emotions and environment, as well as the reasoning behind why others behave the way they do
#yesterday i got really frustrated and overwhelmed at one point because this one little girl keeps getting really upset when she cant help me#like shell ask to help and i wont have a task (or ive run out bc shes already helped) shes capable of so i tell her that#and thank her for being thoughtful and helpful. admittedly the first time this happened i was really frustrated w her already#bc she had made a huge mess doing something i told her not to do and then didnt want to clean it up and she only came back#and asked to help because her friend had been helping me. so i was like girl. you didnt even clean up the last mess#but i also had nothing for her to do. anyway she started screaming and hid under a table so then her friend did it sith her just. because.#idk kids will see their friend freaking out and they do it too. and i understand it but my god. i dont deal well with really loud noise#and she did it again yesterday. i let her help me and then i ran out of tasks and she started crying and saying i never let her help#and for some reason there were like 6 other kids in there all wanting to help so then several of them started freaking out#and i could not handle it. i literally told my coworker like im about to cry right now lmao#and later the little girl was like wanting to hug me and talk to me and acting like nothing happened and i found myself wanting to withdraw#like i was feeling like i wanted to avoid her and not speak to her or be cold but i also knew i didnt want to treat her that way#and i took a couple minutes by myself and thought about why i felt that way‚ what the effects of that would be‚ and how the kid felt#and i really just had to remind myself that she was feeling just as many emotions as i was but that shes only had 6 years#to learn how to manage them and deal with them in a productive way. she wasnt trying to upset me. she wasnt trying to make me mad#she was just dealing with her emotions in the only way she knew how. and im an adult and if she can get over it i really need to get over it#long ass tag story sorry
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forgotten-daydreamer · 5 months ago
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vent moment but my health is a bit worse than i let on, which is weird ik since it seems like complain about it all the time here, and apparently i also look sick, because two separate people in their 40s or 50s asked me, 24, if i needed their seat on the bus. kind of them. but humiliating nonetheless.
#medical stuff cw#i sat on the steps instead of taking their seat#vent cw#i have to take five different pills a day excluding birth control which i also take for health reasons but okay#i have to thank italy for its healthcare system because at least i dont have to pay a fuckton for all that stuff. except birthcontrol.#as i may have mentioned they found quite a bit of blood in my piss so im getting tested for ✨️cancer✨️#also because i've been having health issues which might be rated#my blood work is all off but i didnt get tested for tumoral cells specifically because i may have 'just' an autoimmune condition#so im on heavy duty antibiotics too now bc i also developed antibiotic resistance last year. anyway.#i need to take those and then they'll test my peepee again but this time they will also test explicitly for tumoral cells#because something is off and my previous blood work didnt point out what exactly#terrible anemia and other slightly-off numbers that however shouldnt be off considering my lifestyle#i eat almost everything. drink plenty of water. exercise. barely smoke. not even drinking anymore. i'm not too fat nor too skinny.#so. some of the numbers that are off dont really have a reason to be off which is why they are testing my blood and piss for cancer#but like. in 3 weeks because i have to take antibiotics and iron meds (not supplements. meds.) first#so my mind's trying to convince itself that i dont have a tumor. but what if i do? i know i dont. but not knowing makes me go insane#also i have to get tested for heart disease because that motherfucker is not working properly. doesnt pump enough blood to my brain.#i took an ekg and it came back pretty normal except for tachycardia#now i have to go get an holter ekg - but was told to wait until uni starts again bc i need that exam to be done when i have a daily routine#so basically they slap electrodes and shit on me for 24 hrs while i go do my shit around the city and then see how my heart behaved#because i cant stand without struggling to breathe and sometimes it happens when in laying down to.#sometimes i cant fall asleep because i cant breathe#at first the doc thought it might be a reflux issue but not. all good on that front.#so. we'll see. and i mean. i KNOW it's not cancer. like. i'd be dead by now bc i've been having these symptoms for five months#however. i dont know if it's not an autoimmune disease. and if it is? what am i gonna do?
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