#but the more I considered it the more they seemed incredibly incompatible

[leather-field]

Town-on-gorkhon’s most tortured artists

[maxdibert]

hi! i saw in one of your posts you wrote about how Sirius Black had no reason to bully Snape and i thought about it…..i mean doesn't his hatred seem too personal? we have Lupin who has no contact with Snape after book 3 but Sirius goes crazy when Snape is around and they are alone so he can attack him (kitchen scene in book 5). and he knows so much about him: who he hung out with at school, his relationship with Lucius; at the same time he doesn't know about the mark, about how Severus was the one who brought the prophecy to voldemort that led to Lily and James death. and yes he is stuck at age 21 but even then they graduated school and as he says they never heard of Snape in those years. It seems a bit odd: don't bullies usually try to downplay their role in what they did to the victim, or even try to make it look like nothing happened? And he and Remus try to do that with Harry, but at the same time he seems incredibly proud and pleased with himself when he talks about the prank. One moment confused me when I was reading book 3: when Sirius has Peter at gunpoint with his wand, he is extremely focused on him. He doesn't take his eyes off him, because it was for this moment, the act of revenge, that he escaped from prison. As far as I remember, Harry describes it as "nothing could distract him at that moment" or something like that. But as soon as Remus even mentions Snape, Sirius' attention suddenly switches: he turns away from Peter and asks about him again. Or when he watches Snape during the OWL exams??? Especially when Rowling describes his reaction after the exam, when he sees him under the tree, as the reaction of a dog to a rabbit. He seems so obsessed and like something happened between them that really got to him. Or he's just as intolerant of half-bloods as his family. I completely agree with you that Sirius bullied Snape simply because James did it and he found it funny. But his hatred seems excessive, he has no reason to hate Snape so much. James has his excuse about Lily, but Sirius has none of that. But he still tries to kill him and it doesn't really matter hides, lol. I've read an opinion that he hates him because of his unrequited feelings for James, where Severus is the reason James even noticed Lily, which I don't really agree with, to be honest. Sorry, it got too long, ahaha. What I want to ask is: do you have any thoughts on this?

Well, the explanation for his relationships at school is quite simple because Sirius doesn’t leave home until he’s 16. Considering that his brother goes to Slytherin and that Narcissa is his cousin, it’s not strange to deduce that Snape’s name, along with other Slytherin students, probably came up at some family dinner/lunch/meeting. Like, talking about who in Regulus and Sirius’ year might have ‘potential,’ for example. It seems coherent to me that, considering Sirius’ environment until he leaves to live with the Potters, he’d be aware of certain things.

Leaving that aside, let’s talk about Sirius Black, because I think in recent years the Marauders fandom has ruined this character, and he’s actually a character with a lot of depth. Or at least more than many others in the saga.

(This is gonna ne so fucking long lol)

Sirius is a posh kid. He’s a posh kid who is embarrassed about being posh and feels guilty about it. He’s the typical rich kid from a conservative family who’s had issues with his mom (in this case) and his way of getting back at everything he felt was missing from his childhood is to vehemently oppose everything he thinks she represents. And the funniest part is that (as is often the case) his problem with his mom is that they both have a terrible character, which is why they clash. Because Sirius has the kind of terrible character that is incompatible with anyone else who has the same terrible character. But despite everything, he’s still a posh kid. Because he comes from an aristocratic family and was raised with those values of superiority. Because he’s never had to fend for himself (he leaves home but goes to another rich family, the Potters, and on top of that, his uncle Alphard leaves him his entire inheritance, so he has plenty of money) and he has always enjoyed the privilege of his surname, his blood status, and the fact that he’s (according to Rowling) super handsome. In other words, Sirius belongs to the ruling class and behaves with the same arrogance, entitlement, and lack of empathy that is typical of that class. No matter how much he tries to deny it and distance himself from it, he can only do so on a superficial level (Muggle posters, being a Gryffindor, enchanting a Muggle motorcycle) because when it comes down to it, he has no idea how to deconstruct himself, nor is he interested in giving up or losing his privileges, because he’s quite comfortable with them. He’s like the typical aristocratic kid from an Opus Dei family who thinks he’s better than everyone around him because he votes for the left and has been to four protests, but at the end of the day, he still lives a bourgeois life and doesn’t understand the root of social problems.

That said, let’s move on to James.

I think James was everything Sirius wanted to be. No, not be, I think James had everything Sirius wanted to have: loving parents, a family that wasn’t involved in a cult, a pleasant environment that allowed him to do whatever he wanted instead of being constrained by traditions and social norms, liberal and progressive ideals… James had the life Sirius had always wanted, but with one key detail: he was also rich and from an old, prestigious family. This is super important because when Sirius chooses his rebellion partner, he doesn’t pick some random Muggle-born, or a half-blood, or someone from the middle or lower class. Sirius chooses as his best friend someone who embodies everything he wants to be/have, but who at the same time belongs to his same social stratum, both economically and in blood status. Sirius chooses a future Gryffindor rebel with very different ideas from his family, but ironically he chooses like anyone from his family would: someone with money, status, and power. And I find this super amusing because it’s so coherent with his character. I mean, if Sirius were a real person, he would’ve done the same thing because guys like him are like that: the kings of cognitive dissonance and double standards.

Sirius always wanted James’ validation, or at least that’s how I see it. I think for him, feeling that James approved of what he did was a way to legitimize himself as someone different from his family. James represented the “progressive” social elite that Sirius aspired to by rejecting the traditional values imposed on him. So, unconsciously, he understood that if he did everything James wanted, and I’ll go further, everything he thought James would like, then he would distance himself from that Black image and gain validation as something entirely opposite. The problem is that Sirius, unlike James, was raised in an environment where ethical and moral values were very different, and where it was clearly established that certain people were “the other,” an “other” sociologically understood as the idea that some humans are inherently less than others. And although Sirius consciously rejected this idea, unconsciously he had been raised with it. Therefore, consciously, he didn’t reject people based on their blood status because he could identify that as something his family would do, and family = bad. But unconsciously, he was conditioned to see other people as non-people, and this is where Severus comes into play.

James dislikes Severus because he sees him as an obstacle/threat/nuisance in his crush on Lily. By default, and because of that constant need for validation from James, Sirius also focuses on him as a hostile element. And if he’s hostile to James, who in a way is his moral compass, then that guy must be trash because, of course, it’s obvious. But not only that, this guy is also a half-blood and poor, so poor he wears old clothes. And on top of that, he’s ugly. And not very masculine. So he has all the elements for Sirius, the aristocrat raised in luxury under the premise that he’s better than others because of his origins, to see him as “the other” and exercise all his power and privilege to oppress him without remorse, because for him, it’s justified. Justified unconsciously by the education he received, and consciously because if James hates him, there must be a good reason to hate him, so everything is justified. If we add to that the fact that Severus desires everything Sirius has always tried to reject: more social status, more recognition, power, belonging to Slytherin, rubbing shoulders with important wizards, forgetting the Muggle world he grew up in… well, we have a molotov cocktail for him to make Severus’ life unbearable. And Severus is an easy target for someone like school-age Sirius Black: he has no friends, no surname, no parents to protect him, and no stable socio-economic situation. Sirius can project all his frustrations onto him without any consequences. He can completely dehumanize him and stop seeing him as a person. He can behave like a Black.

I think the Prank is a good example to see the difference in upbringing between Sirius and James. Both are bullies, both are abusers, both have zero remorse when it comes to using their status and power to make life impossible for those they believe deserve it. But James was raised in an environment where he knows that actions have consequences, that you can’t cross “certain lines,” such as murder, for example. Sirius was taught the opposite—he was raised to think that the life of “the other” holds no value, and that is something that in his story with Severus goes too far. James understands that death is something serious and can bring terrible consequences, while Sirius does not. For the Black family, death is nothing if there is a reason for the person to die, and Sirius has his own reasons for playing with Severus’ life the way Bellatrix would play with the life of any Muggle-born.

(This is something I really like as well—the way Sirius and Bellatrix are fundamentally alike, and how little that’s discussed. But I’ll leave that for another time, otherwise I won’t finish.)

I don’t think it’s a matter of Sirius being obsessed with Snape, but rather that, for all the reasons I’ve explained, he uses Severus as a catalyst for his repressed anger and that sadism he inherited from his family. He can’t channel it toward anyone else because that would lead to absolute rejection from James. Since James hates and despises Severus, he’s never going to question Sirius for channeling all his pent-up rage on him, so it’s a free pass. If he had reached that level of sadism with someone who didn’t provoke the same level of animosity in James as Severus did, he would have risked confronting his biggest fear: that James would see him as a Black, not as Sirius. Losing his validation as the black sheep to become just another one of them. So he focuses on Severus because it’s a safe bet.

Moving on to their relationship during the book canon…

We don’t really see a proper confrontation until the fifth book. I mean, in the third, it shows that Sirius still sees Severus as “other” by dragging him along while unconsciously banging his head. In the fourth, there’s that scene where Dumbledore forces them to shake hands, and it’s clear they still hate each other. But it’s not until the fifth book that we get a real confrontation, where Sirius loses his temper. I think this has a lot to do with (drumroll) once again that cognitive dissonance between what Sirius always wanted to be and what he actually is, especially given the role he plays on the chessboard at that point in the story.

Sirius did everything he could to distance himself from his family, and the climax of that was joining the Order of the Phoenix and actively fighting against that same family, several members of whom were “soldiers” for the opposite side. Sirius is finally achieving what he wants—to be a hero. To stop being part of the elite dark villains and instead be part of the heroic elite. The noble of high birth who fights valiantly for the good of the realm, just as James was destined to be. It’s the climax, the absolute fulfillment of his adolescent desire. But then he’s thrown into Azkaban, and when he gets out, he finds that the poor, weird kid addicted to dark arts, who sucked up to future dark wizards, who hung out with purists and even joined the “bad side”—the side of Sirius’ family, the villains—is now the most important member of the Order. He’s none other than Dumbledore’s right hand. He’s a double agent risking his neck every day and has more responsibility than anyone else. That kid Sirius called Snivellus for being a crybaby has more guts and more endurance than most people. The one who always wanted to be part of the elite Sirius hated is now the one playing them all, making them look like idiots. The one who looked frail and effeminate turns out to be more “manly.” And that hurts. That hurts a lot. You go to prison, and when you get out, the person you didn’t even consider a person not only ranks above you, but is playing in a league you can’t aspire to. And the best part is, Sirius can’t fully accept it because he’s still Sirius—a classist, privileged aristocrat incapable of accepting that (as is only logical) the poor working-class kid turned out to be far more useful than him in both politics and war.

To me, it’s poetic justice.

[songoftrillium]

You seem uniquely qualified to answer this question, how do you feel about Fera?

I think they're dumb personally (I just don't like shape shifters being non-mammalian predators) but like the narrative purpose they serve of showing how pigheaded and misguided the garou are

How about you?

I'll open this up by noting that 'dumb' is a slur referring to people with a speech impediment, and I'd like to discourage its usage.

To answer regarding the fera however:

I love the changing breeds, with some caveats. When I began Storytelling, I had to set boundaries with players because there are some incredibly good fera out there, but also ones that can straight up break the game or are extremely incompatible with the Garou or chronicle. This isn't an issue when running an exclusively all-fera game, but it's not common that I or other STs typically run an all-fera game. The second point on compatibility is where one should audit a changing breed for use in their game:

Does this changing breed demographically make sense to be here?

Does their presence serve a narrative purpose?

Do their mechanics mesh well with Garou? Can they be made to mesh well?

Do they have the agency to cooperate with the Garou and vice versa?

If the answer to all four questions is 'yes,' then the fera can absolutely work, and work well in your setting (with caveats.) W:tE features many fera such as the Balam, which on the surface wouldn't fit in the Pacific Northwest. However, there are many large Latine populations that can be found here, both in terms of those living close to cities permanently and migrant workers. Where things concern those populations, then it makes total sense for there to be the occasional two-heart among them alongside their culture, Kin and Killi alike.

For reasons like the above, you're gonna find several Fera in Werewolf: the Essentials from the get-go, forming part of the Dawn Tribes representing all of the Indigenous shapeshifters that persisted in the Americas since the Impergium:

Balam

Corax

Gurahl

Mokolé

Nuwisha

Pumonca

Qualmi

There are some game elements I'm not fond of that are changing. For simplicity, cases of fera are gonna be represented as singular entities. There's just one kind of Gurahl, one kind of Mokolé, and the Bastet are represented singularly now. They are basically placed hierarchically as extensions of Dawn Tribe culture, in which they see each other as all spirit cousins under Gaia. Historical precedent has forced them to work with each other for the first time since the War of Rage and find themselves better protected by each other than on their own. This goes as far as to alter the game language, adopting the term 'Killi' from the Bastet book to refer to (all shapeshifters), rather than merely 'Fera', which speaks of the changing breeds as an entity separate from (or less than) the Garou.

I did away with the second War of Rage because it narratively makes very little sense (and the elements that can be considered critical can just be rolled into the first.) The handling of gifts is more generalized now through implementing spirit affinities, and grouping gifts under the spirits that teach them. This significantly reduces page count (no more than 9 different kinds of Hare's Leap.) Renown tracks are being made more fluid on the character sheet so you can play any changing breed on the same sheet, and other small world changes can be made that create a narratively compelling reason for multiple Killi to exist in the game.

In short, they can work, but it takes nuance to do well. And I encourage just that; write your chronicles with nuance. The Changing breeds, if used smartly, can add a ton of narrative color to a Chronicle and are worth exploring, particularly when representing cultural diversity in a setting.

[animaddie-live]

Yuri on Ice final thoughts

So there we have it, I have finished watching my first ever anime! And I LOVED IT!!!!!! Yuri on Ice is now one of my top 5 favourite shows of all time. I think my favourite episodes were 6, 9, and 2. My favourite character was definitely Christophe Giacometti. He was what made me watch this show in the first place.

I've never laughed so much watching a show before. So many audible reactions came from this. Will certainly be rewatching this for years to come. It was a nice story, I always love a good gay fluff pieces. But there were also so many side characters that I was also invested in. I grew to really like Yurio as well, his sass and anger was very amusing.

Now Viktor, Viktor makes me question so many things about myself. I get such gender envy from him. And loved seeing him explore his feminine side in his programs. Why can't I be a twink on ice. Also I found myself weirdly attracted to him. Idk I'm gay don't do this to me. But Viktor Nikiforov and Chris own my heart.

Yuri had fantastic character growth, I was so proud to see him find his confidence. He also grew the most as a skater, I can't believe he beat Viktor's record. And Yurio also beating the record. I was actually happy to see him win the world cup, it was well deserved.

I was left wondering. Were Viktor and Yuri ever confirmed to be in a relationship? Throughout the series I was always confused on whether it was canon or not. We never saw an on screen kiss. (There was that off screen speculated kiss at the end of ep7). I know I probably sound crazy for even questioning it, but it didn't seem like they had a conventional thing going on. I think it was all still in the flirtatious stage and they at no point were together together.

Similarly, when Yuri talks about "mine and Viktor's love" is this referring to romantic love? Or is it the bond between student and coach, or both? He often publicly talks about his love for Viktor, so is this them being out as a gay couple, or do people think it means something else? I was disappointed to see there was no outright decleration/acknowledgement of their relationship status. But maybe that is me just being fucking blind and unable to pick up on subtext. I shouldn't be so shallow. But overall, it could have been gayer.

Now the whole engagement thing, I did not understand why they did that. If they were dating it seemed farrrrrrrrr too premature to even be considering engagement. And to base the whole 'we will get married when he wins gold' seems so immature. I definitely felt like the first half of the show was significantly better than the second half. I didn't really like how things were left. It started so strong, but disappointed me in the end.

I wanted so badly to believe that they were soulmates, but we were just shown time after time again the immaturities/ incompatibilities. But I will continue to be delusional and jump on the Vikturi train because I am desperate lesbian who is very much alone.

If I may embody Chris for a second: in regards to Vikturi it felt like we were edged all series and denied a happy ending. It just felt like there was a lot of build up, but their relationship ultimately didn't progress that much in the end. I will be poking my head into the YOI fanart and fanfics because I am invested in these characters and need to see more of them.

All in all, I was disappointed and dissatisfied with how the show wrapped up. But that won't ruin it for me, I still thoroughly enjoyed it.

Quotes from my live blogging that sum up my experience:

ep2: "this is like some fever dream self insert fanfic written by a gay 13 year old"

ep6: "why are we the audience being edged so hard whilst they go off and make this many innuendos aaaaaah"

ep6: "is he also down bad, why am I being forced to watch the strangest foreplay ever play out"

ep 9: "that caught me so incredibly off guard, I haven't laughed that loudly in ages"

take a shot everytime I said something caught me off guard, or I said that I cackled. <- I feel like that encapsulates my experience perfectly

[heymacy]

thank you so much for your answer! i actually didn’t expect such a in depth response— it actually made me kind of excited to rewatch the show so that i can give those seasons a try! i watched shameless as it was airing around s3 so it was really hard for me to cope with the idea of watching ian ‘moving on’ and bashing mickey without knowing he would be back etc. but i guess it should be time to face that considering who he gets married to! tho, if it’s okay, i wanted to ask more cause i love to see your take on it! for what ive gathered caleb cheated on ian with a girl saying it ‘didn’t count’, but was he also the one who told ian to try to be with a girl? cause i remember seeing something about it and it really pissed me off that ian even went and ‘tried’, considering s1 was him being very vocal about non being into girls! as for trevor, i did know about the monica ‘get over it’ clip because i always see people comparing it to how mickey has always been supportive no matter what (of course!!!) and also how trevor kind of forced himself on ian. i wanted to know what’s your opinion on those relationships of his, especially trevor cause it seems like it’s been the most controversial one as he spent two seasons around him. it’s funny in a way because the writers didn’t want mickey back but they still made every love interests ian had to be ‘wrong’ and showing everything that mickey would never do! also, this is out of pettiness mostly but considering all those seasons are about his bipolar disorder, does ian ever say that to his partners as a way to break up? or can i have a little of happiness thinking he just really wanted to protect who matters the most *cough* mickey *cough*. again, thank you for taking your time answering my question, i loved reading it!

hello again! more under the cut bc i'm quite chatty :)

first of all, yes, the "it doesn't count" + trying to have sex with a girl thing is true, and it honestly never felt very in-character for me. it was definitely A Choice on behalf of the writers. in fact, he gargles with mouthwash afterwards (or maybe it's vodka, i can't remember) and says "i think i have PTSD", which (of course) is meant to be humorous, but i do think it was a very jarring and confusing experience for him.

ohhhhhhh boy. the trevor of it all. well, let's begin by saying that there's a lot of controversy surrounding trevor. there are some really rancid anti-trevor takes that i don't agree with, primarily the ones rooted in transphobia, which i think is disgusting and abhorrent. i think people are generally either very anti-trevor or pretty neutral on him. i don't think anyone out there is singing his praises, or at least i've never heard a take like that in the time i've been in the fandom. as for me & my opinion, i think he is an incredibly frustrating, pretentious, self-serving character and he irritates me deeply. i think that while he could have been a good friend to ian, he fucked things up by trying to be his boyfriend. they were incompatible from the start and i honestly don't know why they started anything in the first place. like i know why, i just don't understand it. they had no spark. they had no connection. their only commonalities were that they were 1) both gay and 2) into advocating for homeless + at-risk youth. and that's like, it. they had friendly coworker energy, not electric, bone-shattering chemistry. my rating? 0/10 stars. i was very happy when he was written off and ian was left to sort his shit out on his own, unencumbered by a dissatisfying, toxic relationship.

and caleb.......ugh. fucking caleb! i'm surprised he doesn't get vertigo from riding such a high horse. he treated ian like an accessory and consistently put him in uncomfortable situations for no reason other than his own pleasure and/or to manipulate other people. the ONLY good thing he did was lead ian down the EMT path, and that is it. otherwise he was quite literally the worst. imagine cheating on someone and then being like "actually, this is a you issue." alexa, define "cold-blooded" 🙄

to answer your question, ian never credits his bipolar disorder when ending things with any other partner, no. trevor ended because ian ran off with mickey and lied to him about it/cheated on him (though they did spend another season in each other's lives in a really strange capacity, which was an interesting choice by the writers) and caleb ended because he cheated on ian. caleb was a clean break whereas trevor was super messy and drawn-out. but no, he doesn't talk about wanting to protect them from his disorder during their breakups. he tells them both about it early on, is transparent about it, and expresses his concerns about it being a lot to handle, but it isn't credited as the reason for the breakups, no.

i think when it comes to ian protecting mickey from his disorder, it's important for us to view things through an ian-centric lens. why did he do what he did? was it solely to protect mickey, or was it coming from a place of insecurity? a place where he felt like a burden? a place where he felt hopeless and aimless and scared? post-episode and post-diagnosis, it's very common to fall into what i like to call The Pit, which is essentially a shallow bed of self-loathing and the desire to self-isolate away from everyone and everything. we see a lot of that in the end of s5 and the beginning of s6. he's made himself very small, is afraid to do nearly anything for fear of further destruction, and feels incredibly trapped and frightened by his circumstances. all of these factors contribute to his behaviors and choices, including (but not limited to) breaking up with mickey. did he end things because he didn't want mickey to spend his life coping with the realities of loving someone with this disorder? yes. but he did what he did because he was scared. and i think it's really important we make that distinction when talking about and analyzing that storyline.

as always, if there's anything you want to talk about or if you have any other questions you are always welcome in my inbox! i hope you're having a lovely day 💛

[femmefatalevibe]

hi! i recently have been going through a pretty rough breakup- it’s been dragged out as we both try to figure out what we want, and while i finally have closure, it hurts a LOT. i only just turned 21, but this was my first real relationship, and i can’t help but be afraid that i’ll never meet somebody who will care about or love me in the same way again. i’m… searching for a way to stop hurting and stop being afraid of never finding love again in the future :( do you have any advice?

Hi love! Breakups suck. So sorry to hear that you're going through this <3

As someone a few years your senior, I'm sharing my two cents on this situation from my experience and those of close friends of mine who have experienced/moved past their first heartbreak.

Firstly, I would give yourself a break and time to heal. Validate the significance of this relationship in your formative years and how it shaped your outlook on life/love/relationships. I would check my self-healing guide on HERE.

Once you've given yourself the space to heal, work through some of the painful emotions, and see the relationship through a more objective lens (this can take months, so don't try to rush the process!), I would reflect on the aspects of the positive aspects of the relationship, those that held you back or were toxic, and how showing up in this relationship changed or influenced you as a person (both positive and negatively).

Consider how the relationship made you show up for yourself and the other person. How did it reflect your energy, mood, ability to give or take care of yourself, your school work, and your career goals/job? Did it shift your life values or relationship in any way?

While your first love is your first love (only you can decide who this person is), as you know from your sentiments above, compatibility is an essential component of a long-term relationship. So, consider the ways in which you and your former partner were compatible and incompatible. What dealbreakers will you set for your future relationships given these past experiences?

In terms of worrying about whether someone else will love you "the same way" ever again, remind yourself that you and this person broke up for a reason. While their love for you was special and can always hold some significance in your heart, it is clear that because you broke up, you don't want to necessarily be loved in the same way again. You're actually seeking a different love and someone who cares for you in a slightly different way – one that ultimately nourishes you to the highest degree in every aspect of your life. I'm not saying this to be harsh or to discount how great and nourishing your former partner's love was for you. I bet it was an incredibly fueling force. However, love is not a finite resource and comes in many different flavors/variations. Some satisfy a particular craving, allow us to indulge in our sweet tooth, seem dreadful to us, might be good for us on paper despite our visceral aversion to them, and some strike the right balance between healthy and sustainably indulgent.

Let go of the scarcity mindset regarding love and relationships. As you clearly understand, you're so young, and there is plenty of time/fish and the sea. Focus on your healing, self-growth, building a life for yourself, and that nourishing, compatible love will come into your life at the right time for you and your life trajectory.

Hope this helps. Sending love xx

[holonetnews]

HNN Reporter Deena Tharen REPLACED by Human Replica Droid? (NOT CLICKBAIT)

DROID THAREN!? – An exploration of the remarkable conspiracy theory taking the Holonet by storm. Has HNN Reporter Deena Tharen been REPLACED by Human Replica Droid? (NOT CLICKBAIT)

A special report by Carth Carrick - Holonet News.

Here at HoloNet News, stories of faraway worlds and galactic intrigue are our daily bread. But, there’s one story that has been quietly unfolding within in our midst, one that might be the most intriguing of them all...

At the center of this story? Deena Tharen – a colleague whose journalistic prowess and unparalleled ability to navigate the complexities of the galaxy has long been subject of admiration and now: intense speculation.

I’ll give it you straight. The question on everyone’s mind: Could she, in fact, be an advanced human replica droid?

This question, once the reserve of holodramas, has taken a compelling turn toward the realm of possibility within the walls of HoloNet News and among the galaxy at large.

The theory, initially whispered among colleagues and viewers, gained traction due to a seemingly doctored Holovid of Deena giving an apparently candid interview about working for HoloNet News.

The vid has brought Deena's remarkable attributes to the forefront of galactic conversation. Viewers point to her almost encyclopaedic knowledge of galactic affairs, her seemingly tireless work ethic, and her ability to be at the forefront of news as it unfolds across the galaxy. Add to this her unchanging appearance over the years, and the seeds of suspicion find fertile ground. Could these traits be the result of sophisticated programming in an advanced synthetic being?

Interestingly, the emergence of this theory has only bolstered Deena Tharen's popularity. Viewership data indicates an uptick in audience numbers whenever Deena is on air, with viewers tuning in not just for the news but in the hope of discerning whether the person they're watching is flesh and blood or an incredibly sophisticated machine.

Although I think we all agree that this question is more befitting for the plot of a holodrama, the more time I spend around Deena, the more I find myself seriously considering this hypothesis.

Her work is characterized by an astounding level of efficiency and an expansive breadth of knowledge. She has been at the forefront of reporting in the most hazardous locations on a moment's notice, maintained an almost timeless elegance over the years, and demonstrated an understanding of a wide array of subjects that often seems beyond the scope of ordinary human capability.

Interacting with Deena has always been an experience of two contrasting sides. On one hand, she is intensely private, and on the other, she's exceptionally professional and approachable. She exhibits a warmth and sense of humor that would typically be thought incompatible with the mechanical nature of a droid. Yet, in this age where technology is constantly rewriting the rules, the idea that these characteristics could be intricately programmed in a highly advanced synthetic being is not beyond the realm of possibility.

Deena's existence is filled with subtleties that deepen the mystery around her. A mere handshake with her suggests a hidden strength that contradicts her delicate appearance, and her laughter, authentic and hearty, occasionally rings with a precision that almost seems too perfect to be natural. Additionally, Deena's allure goes beyond physical beauty – it's as if she's been crafted to a level of perfection that's captivating to everyone who interacts with her.

This universal charm has led to an intriguing aspect of the speculation: almost everyone who has spent significant time with Deena, in one capacity or another, has found themselves imagining a deeper, perhaps even romantic, connection with her. This phenomenon raises a curious question: If Deena is indeed a droid, is this enchanting quality an intentional design feature?

As someone who has worked alongside Deena, I am caught between two perspectives. One sees her as a mentor and friend, with a passion and empathy that resonate with genuine humanity. Yet another part of me, acquainted with the rapid advancements in droid technology, finds it hard to entirely dismiss these speculations.

The question remains – if Deena Tharen is a human replica droid, does it diminish the essence of her achievements and the relationships she's formed? Or does it elevate our understanding of what artificial beings are capable of, challenging our very notions of life and connection?

HoloNet News, committed to transparency and truth, has not officially commented on these speculations. Deena Tharen herself continues to deliver the news with her trademark professionalism and charisma, seemingly unfazed by the whirlwind of theories surrounding her identity.

I am, nevertheless, determined to find out the truth, once and for all. Watch this space! Carth Carrick - HoloNet News

[kathleenkatmary]

Noirvember: Strange Impersonation (Anthony Mann, 1946)

WARNING: This entire write-up is pretty much about the ending and how it seriously hurts an otherwise really good exploration of identity. So if you haven't seen it and you don't want to be spoiled, you've been warned.

I would have given this four stars were it not for the 'it was all a dream' ending.

Expanding on this thought from a day or two ago... I think there are a lot of problems with this ending that really do hurt an otherwise very, very good movie. I think one of the biggest ones is that it does, at least in a way, feel kind of tacked on so as to give the movie a happy ending rather than a bleak one. Which just seems unnecessary. There are a lot of films of this type that absolutely do have incredibly bleak endings, and the way this would have ended without the 'it was all a dream' ending would have been bleak, but in a way that I think would have been cohesive with the story. So much of this movie is about identity, with the main character trying to reconcile the things she wants, all of which are deeply tied to he she is, with each other and trying to figure out if she can have all of those things or if they're in direct conflict with each other. There are also aspect of her trying to reconcile the core of who she is and what she values as a scientist with the expectations the other people in her life, and society as a whole, have for her. Without the tacked on ending, Strange Impersonation is a really effective exploration of what it can do to a person when the things they want are treated by people and society as being incompatible, what the things are that actually make up our identity, and what other people see as making up our identity. And the bleak ending really fits with that because it explicitly shows how much removing key aspects of a person's identity can break their psyche.

But with the "it was all a dream" ending, especially with exactly what they did with that ending, all of that pretty much goes out of the window. Instead, it becomes about how it was wanting things outside of those accepted social norms of what her identity, as a woman, should be that led to such an identity crisis, and that she learned from her dream that she should just marry the guy because she's luck he wants her.

I think that's enough to deem the ending a failure, but that's not the only problem with the ending. I don't think the people making this movie really considered what the whole thing being a dream would really say about the character. With it all being a dream, that means the way the characters are framed in the story from the point where the dream starts is all coming from her. It's what she thinks of those people. And the way her minds frames her lab assistant and the woman she accidentally hit with her car are pretty damn nasty. The lab assistant is a scheming monster who intentionally botched the experiment and set up an explosion to possibly kill her, and at the very least seriously kill her, all because she wanted to still her boss's man. And the woman she hit with her car is a terrible, lying drunk who has no problem with holding a woman at gunpoint and robbing her. All without really any reason to think these things. Looking back at the movie at everything that happened before the point where the dream starts, there is nothing that happens that would suggest these women are these monsters she's imagined in her dream. There's a point where her assistant talks about how if she had a man like our main character's fiancée, she wouldn't put off the wedding, but that's really it. There really isn't anything that she does that would suggest she'd scheme and maim in order to get that guy.

When it comes to the woman she accidentally hits with her car, I think it's even more egregious because she knows nothing about this woman beyond the fact that she was drinking the night that it happened and that she was clearly struggling both emotionally and financially. That's it. But in her dream she imagined the most horrible version of her based on that.

So really, the (probably) unintended consequence of this 'it was all a dream' ending is that it ends up making our main character, who we're supposed to be sympathizing with, look like an insecure, jealous, suspicious, judgmental, and with a heaping dose of bias against the socially marginalized.

Twist endings can work well when they're done with very thought out and specific intention. This is a really good example of how bad a twist can be when it's clearly not well thought out and considered. Honestly, the ending is so bad that I'm tempted to give it an even lower rating, but everything that came before the ending worked so well and fit together really nicely. So I just can't bring myself to give it anything lower than a 3.5. Just know that yes, the ending is handled really badly.

[comparatorclock]

Oh, also, I saw your question about heartbeats being a life sign

That depends!

It depends both before birth, and after birth

For example, a human who has been born, let's say an adult man, can be declared brain dead while still having a heartbeat. The person is dead, but their heart is (often artificially) still beating, and they still count as dead because there is no way to make their brain work again.

However, someone's heart can stop beating, but if you artificially start it again before the brain has died, you can save the person! You can also use a pacemaker to keep a heart beating even when it won't on its own, as long as the brain is alive

For fetuses, the first "heart beats" come from a clump of cells that are going to develop into a full heart later, they start contracting before the heart has fully grown. This is why some people who were born too early can have holes in their hearts where it didn't finish growing, but they were able to survive an early birth despite it because it worked just well enough to keep a small child alive. They require surgery to stay healthy and alive though

A fetus can be considered "incompatible with life" which means that it is so sick or disabled that it will either be born dead, die at birth, or die shortly after birth. They are still alive at that point, depending on definition, but they're a huge risk to the mother's health and will either 100% die or is at such huge risk of death that it is not worth it, because the family would have an extremely drawn out grieving process while the mother is in bad health or also dying. It is very sad, and no one wants to go through that, especially if it's a planned pregnancy, and these people deserve compassion and a choice

There are many sad possibilities on the road of pregnancy, regardless of whether someone chose pregnancy or not they should have the option to back out when the worst happens. To be able to do that, they need the choice to back out whenever, because they cannot wait for a court ruling

Abortion is lifesaving

ok fair on the heartbeat thing - clearly, it should be a question of a combination of multiple different lifesigns then (in this case primarily heart + brain).

As for the baby's-death-is-inevitable scenario, that does sound tragic - and indeed, that does seem like it would fall under the stillbirth/miscarriage category. However, is it morally okay for there to be the murder of the child in that situation so as to hasten the inevitable? In that scenario, someone would have blood on their hands, and guilt will occur in the psyche of everyone involved. Is preventing a scenario of double-death really morally worth killing one of those 2 early? (yes this is rapidly devolving into trolley problem territory :-/)

Lastly, maybe the court system is incredibly inefficient and that such inefficiency is an incredibly massive ill/evil affecting all of society - not to mention the typical court case bankrupts those involved via court fees. The entire judicial system needs a massive overhaul to be less costly for those involved, more efficient, and much faster. But I suppose this is a tangent to the question.

[drewoclock]

Incompatible with Compatibility

Posted June 26th, 2014

"Hey look, everybody!  It’s DREW!" "Aw sweet, Drew is so nice and cool!  He’s friends with EVERYBODY!" "That’s true!  EVERYBODY!  That’s the amount of people Drew is friends with!" "Say something, Drew!  Say something about your incredible capacity for friendship!" "My friends, my friends.  All I can say is that friendship tastes like ice cream: Delicious!" "Hahahaha, I get it!" "What a friendly joke!"

I mean, I do wish things could be like that.  I want to be friends with everybody.  Why not?  Your own world colliding with the world of somebody else and things GOING WELL?!  It’s like mixing salsa and a marshmallow and having it taste good.  It just seems like it shouldn’t happen, but it does, and it’s awesome.

Now as a college-faring person, I offer you a sagacious piece of advice: Liking somebody is a great way to be friends with them.  No really, I’m dead serious.  And sometimes that’s easy.

Bob: hullo i like clayrinits Helen: ok hi i also too like clayrinits Bob: yah friendship rules

Other times, this might happen.

Helen: hey bob did u no i hate black ppl Bob: uhoh  i am black helen Helen: oh yah i am rite in front of u and seeing u r black Bob: i am black.  i hate ppl who like flowers Helen: i like flowers o no

A tragic turn indeed for our beloved Bob and Helen.  (Incidentally, I came up with those names randomly and only just now realized they are the names of the main characters in The Incredibles.  I should make that relevant later.)  Moments when things aren’t gelling are unsettling.  It feels like the nasty aftertaste of your salsa marshmallow surprise finally kicking in, and once again you find yourself crying in your kitchen and wondering why you ever thought this would be a good idea.

It doesn’t make things hopeless.  If enough things gel, it can make up for those non-gelly moments.  In fact, I think to be a friend, you just need one thing to gel.  And if you really wanted to be friends with everybody, the good news is that there’s always at least one way you and another person can gel.  Hitler and Jesus both appreciated the existence of cups.  There.  Friends.

Time to destroy that sentiment with complicated reality!  HOLDING SOMEBODY TO TOO HIGH A STANDARD TO ACCEPT MANY NON-GELLY MOMENTS.  PREFERRING TO NOT LIKE SOMEBODY OVER LIKING SOMEBODY BECAUSE IT’S MORE NATURAL.  BEING SUBCONSCIOUSLY AWARE OF YOUR LIMITED LIFESPAN AND INSTINCTIVELY PREFERRING TO SPEND IT WITH THOSE PEOPLE YOU LIKE THE BEST.  We’re all guilty of it, and I imagine happily so.  I don’t want to date past girlfriends again, or stop having fantasies of brawling with that elderly person who was sassy about me saving seats, or not hang out with my best friends so I can grab coffee with that guy from the book store who looked sad but may have been holding in a sneeze.

I do wonder if I’ve become too comfortable with these impediments.  I was told earlier today that I have so much confidence when it comes to myself and what I do, but so little confidence in other people liking me.  And that’s totally true.  I actually find myself actively avoiding eye contact with people because I just assume they wouldn’t consider me one of the people they should be around.  That’s my default, and that’s as an affable and agreeable person.

Sad thing is that I’m not even that wrong.  You see countless people in a lifetime and odds are, you won’t find yourself making the “top twenty” list for a vast majority of them.  Meeting anybody like that just seems like it shouldn’t happen.

But people find friends with one thing in common.  People find friends with more gelling than not.  And people find those they want to spend most of their time with.  I don’t think I need to have confidence in my odds, but I think I can have confidence that it can happen.  Because it does.  And it’s…

…

…INCREDIBLE.

RELEVANCE NOW WE’RE FRIENDS FOUR THOUSAND POINTS

[scarlet-cloudfall]

The reason why I wanted to ignore the feasibility of such a change is not because I don't think it's an important discussion, but rather because I think both changing copyright law in such a drastic way and getting rid of it entirely are both incredibly difficult tasks, and my focus was more on understanding why abolishment of copyright law seems to be a more popular proposition than reforming the law in a way that would allow for the ideal scenario presented by that-dumb-moth. I didn't want to get hung up on which seems more feasible without first knowing if an ideal reform exists at all.

As for the self-employed issue, I don't think it'd be too difficult to come up with a sort of legal contract that allows another party to use your work without giving up ownership. Something that would allow creators to create works that can be used by a second party without transferring ownership. The second party can employ creators to create something, and in return, they get a guaranteed contract to have the rights to use said thing (possibly however they want) without stripping the rights of the creators to also use that thing.

Under our current system, would anyone seeking such a contract find work? No, but that's why the copyright law would have to be reformed first---to ensure that the creator of a work always has certain rights to their created works. No company could (legally) strip a creator's rights to use the works they created, and thus could not selectively hire based on whether or not they'd be able to have exclusive rights to said works.

As for the abuses of power you mentioned, I think those might play out differently if being the creator of a thing gave any actual rights rather than being mostly a title with little to no legal benefits. Or I'm severely misunderstanding something here (which, if I am, correction is very welcome).

I do understand that this is ideologically opposed to and incompatible with capitalism, but in the event that capitalism is finally abolished and replaced with socialism, I see no reason why copyright law ought to be fully abolished with capitalism rather than reformed and improved for a better system. (If you're not socialist, though, this point obviously doesn't apply)

But if that ideal does and can exist within a socialist framework, my question then becomes: is there a way to reform copyright law in that direction right now to measurably improve it within the current system? And, if we have indeed established that that ideal exists in theory, then I am willling to ask: is it more feasible to introduce that reform of copyright law, or to outright abolish it, considering that both run against the capitalist system we live in?

(Though, to be honest, that question is far enough outside my realm of confidence that I don't think it'd be very productive for me to discuss; this conversation alone is already far enough out that I'm really only comfortable asking questions rather than making statements)

[person who clearly thinks they are making a really awesome burn that makes them look good voice] at least nazis believe in copyright law

[nth-times-the-charm]

He's not a bad guy, but he's so draining, I wish he hadn't gotten so fixated on me, he's suffocating but i can't bring myself to tell him to dial down his excitement, I've been here before, it was much worse then, i don't think it'll go the same way, but still I wish i could put some distance between us more easily, but i have to spend so much time with him unwillingly, there's so many people i haven't been able to see lately, people i care about deeply, having him act like he's one of them when i have to see him twice a week but i can barely see my friends twice a month leaves a sour taste in my mouth, it's a horrid sensation, knowing I'm the one that's not as close as the other person would like me to be, particularly when he doesn't seem to notice, one of his biggest flaws is how full of himself he can be, so I'm pretty sure he's convinced i see him almost like a brother, but sadly he's not, I have friendships like that, i have friends i consider family, and i can't bring myself to tell him that that's not the relationship we have, he can be so draining, he's always complaining about something but it's impossible to join the conversation unless you agree with all of his points, he's constantly making choices for others or trying to speak in their place, or correcting people, he's unable to come to agreements because when he argues his priority is winning, he's smug, petty, completely oblivious to his faults and like I said, draining, he's not a bad guy, and spending time with him can be fun, we share many interests, so conversation can be nice, but he doesn't seem to notice how incompatible we are, how I need my space and how he's particularly bad at respecting boundaries, and God arguing with him is infuriating, i know I said it already but it's baffling, I've never seen someone so oblivious to his faults and so stubborn when it comes to changing his mind, he holds everyone to highest standards when he has blatant faults he refuses to address, he expects to be regarded with extreme care when he's constantly hurting others, shit, maybe he's not that good a guy, i do know he struggles with some of these things, and that in some levels he know he has things he should be working on, but it's so frustrating to see him be incredibly bad at improving himself and even worse at accepting help, if he was open to dialogue or if he really was fine on his own it wouldn't be so bad, but week after week he doesn't improve, if anything he's gotten worse, and week after week he refuses feedback, he makes a scene whenever he's criticized about anything, and then he turns to me looking for my agreement, talking over me if i try to help him see things differently, arguing childishly about why he was right, so proud of how he stood up for himself when someone was trying to take advantage of him then in reality he just threw a tantrum because he was told to do things a certain way or because he was told he wasn't doing something properly, I'm worried, i know he's lonely, I know he doesn't have many people in his life, and i can't really put some distance between us as things are, but honestly i hope i can cut him off eventually, I've know people like him, and i don't do well around them, over the years I've gotten more carful about who I keep close, I've done an effort to maintain healthy friendships and trying to either make unhealthy ones work or to distance myself from those people, I've made sure all of my close friends are safe spaces for me to be in, and he's not, he's draining and brings out the worse in me, I'd help him if he let me, but as things are if he doesn't grow as a person I won't be able to keep spending as much time with him as I do

[donutloverxo]

Soooo there are many fics where reader makes steve jealous and it ends in rogh possesive fcking.. but what if steve tries to make reader jealous and it totally backfires and she becomes extremely insecure?? But please with a fluffy ending because my poor heart can’t handle anything less 🥺🥺

Hey. Thanks for the request and I hope this fits. *gif is not mine* Dividers by @firefly-graphics

Please note that my stories are not to be stolen or reposted on any other site. Reblogs and welcome and much appreciated. This blog and this story is 18+. Do not read, follow or interact if you are not 18+. Please🙏🙏

"Um... yes?" You asked as you brought down the hand which was holding out a twenty dollar bill - since you thought it was the pizza you've been waiting for, for like the past half an hour, and not a blond, six feet and some inches,tall super soldier.

"Hi... doll," he smiled.

"My name's Y/N," you corrected him as you frowned, so fed up of men undermining you by calling you such 'sweet' nicknames. You knew Captain Rogers wasn't like that, but still you couldn't have him getting any ideas.

"Right," he cleared his throat as he repeated your name. "Sorry," he said with a toothy grin, which almost made your heart melt.

"How did you get my address, Captain?"

"Tony gave it to me. I would've asked you at work... but I wanted to do this the right way."

"Do what?" you quirked a brow.

"Um, I maybe people aren't as formal nowadays," he sheepishly rubbed the back of his neck, "But I can't really change who I am... not so late in life anyway," he cringed as he realised he was pretty rambling then, taking a deep breath he gathered enough courage, "I wanted to ask you to come with me, as my date, to the valentines party this Sunday."

You hummed at that, considering it because damn if Rogers wasn't convincing. Even when he wasn't as authoritative and dominating as he is when he puts on the suit.

It would be nice to be courted and treated nicely, and to not have to put up with the shit most men try to pull with you, you were sure Rogers would show you the time of your life. Besides, only an idiot would say no to him.

"No." You said with a finality that left no room for debate. "Is that all?"

"Uh... I... yes..." he stammered, not exactly prepared to be turned down so bluntly. "Can I ask why?"

"I don't shit where I eat."

"What?" his eyebrows cutely scrunching up.

You just knew you must've touched a nerve with your crass language. Tony, your boss, had told you about Cap and his 'language' incident.

"I don't date people at work... it can get complicated," you explained as he nodded.

It wasn't a complete lie. You didn't want to be known as the 'easy' girl or have others gossip about you. But that would be a sacrifice you'd willing make for someone like Steve. Who'd dare make fun of the Captains girl anyway?

You had been smitten with him from the moment you saw him, learning about his bravery and sacrifice as a kid you looked upto him and respected him, but when you met him in real life... you were a complete goner. Your stomach did somersaults every time he touched you, or hell even looked your way.

You tried your best to flirt, which was basically you stuttering and trying to make small talk whenever you had a chance to talk to him. Since he was born almost a century ago he would probably be offended if you were the one to make the first move.

You continued your back and forth for weeks before he told you about her. That he'll be visiting her over the weekend. You simply nodded, having a vague idea of who Peggy Carter was but not of what she went to Steve.

After some research you found out that she was an old flame of his, someone he couldn't marry and build a life with because he was frozen for decades. Upon seeing her many qualifications, and just how freaking brilliant she was, you knew one thing.

You may not be as smart as her, but you knew that you could never measure upto a woman that incredible. Someone Steve still visits after all these years. You were already afraid that he was out of your league but now you were sure of it.

"Did I do something wrong?" he wanted to know.

"What do you mean?"

"Well," he shoved his hands in his pockets, his bottom lip jutting out in a pout, "It's just that you used to talk to me all the time... and now it seems as if you're ignoring me. Is it because of something I did? Whatever it is I never meant to hurt you," he swore.

You sighed. "It's nothing you did, really. I just realized how incompatible we are. I hope you find the one you're looking for, someone who'll make you happy and give you the world. It just won't be me."

You didn't let him say anything closing your door instantly as you kept your tears at bay.

At the valentines party

"Cap," Tony said, slapping a hand on Steve's shoulder, "I thought you'd have her on your arm tonight. What happened?"

Referring to his assistant. He wanted to play cupid this once, since it was the season of love, he wanted to see his idiot friends happy. He was sure you both would be disgustingly smooching and all cute at the party. But not only had you both shown up separately, you seemed to be actively ignoring Steve.

"She uh... rejected me," he said, looking down into his glass of whiskey. It didn't do much for him but it helped him blend in.

"Ouch," Tony winced, "I was sure she would go for you. But I guess I have been wrong before," he shrugged.

"Really?"

"Yeah. She goes all heart eyes whenever you're around. But I guess that's nothing unique since that's just how most women act around you," he scoffed. "You should read all the love letters you got today. I was going through them, you have quite a passionate fanbase of people who want to... what was it..." he pretended to think hard about it. "Yes, 'ride your bicep', I don't understand the physics of how on earth that would work, but I am intrigued."

"Tony," Steve rolled his eyes as he always does when he's around the billionaire. "I don't really care about all of them... they don't know me. I only care about her and I don't know why she said no, but there's nothing I can do about it."

"Whoa, you're accepting defeat so soon? Where's that I-can-do-this-all-day attitude?"

"This isn't a war, Tony. If she doesn't see me that way... then there isn't much I could do."

"Maybe she's just playing hard to get. There's absolutely no way to really know what goes on in womens heads, Rogers. They're so smart and sneaky... it's kinda scary actually."

"I don't think she'd play games..."

Tony had gotten distracted pretty quickly and left Steve alone to pout and only appreciate your beauty from afar. You had worn a pink dress with red hearts on it, and for some reason, you got more beautiful every time he looked at you.

"Hello."

He jerked when he heard the foreign voice, looking at the blonde woman next to him, with her hand out, he shook it just to be polite.

"I'm Crystal," she smiled, flashing her sparkly white teeth.

"I'm Steve."

"Of course I know who you are!" she laughed, "You're Captain America, everyone knows you," she playfully hot his bicep before squeezing it, "Oh my... you must work out a lot."

"Uh... yeah..." he nodded. He could never get used to how people perceived him so differently.

"There is something I need to know really bad," Crystal blinked as she looked up at him, "Do you wear underwear in those suits? They seem really tight, wouldn't it be uncomfortable?"

"Oh, um... we just sort of..."

You had never looked at yourself as a jealous person. Maybe things were different when it came to Steve... he was a pretty special guy.

When you looked at him, talking to some girl, dancing with her, laughing and having fun with her, it was as if you were on fire from simmering rage, at the same time you could feel your heart breaking in a million pieces.

You knew it was wrong. You had no claim to him, he can do whatever he wants. If you said no to him then it makes perfect sense that he seeked out someone else.

You just had to get away for some fresh air, so you wouldn't abandon all class and pull the girls hair and drag her away from your Steve.

You yelped when you heard him call out your name.

Looking over your shoulder you saw him staring at you, his brows scrunched up, he looked so worried. But why?

"What're you doing here? You'll catch a cold, doll," he takes off his blazer, putting it over your shoulders and then groaning when he realised his slip up.

"Right, sorry, old habits die hard. I won't call you that again, I promise," he said, crossing his finger over his heart.

"No... I think it's kinda sweet. No ones ever had such an endearing petname for me. I do like it."

"Oh," he frowned, "it's just that you said you didn't."

Tony, of all the people in the whole universe, was right. There was no understanding women.

"I guess I lied..."

"Why?"

"Um..." You were at a loss of words and nervous. Steve wouldn't tolerate lies, and you didn't want him to hate you. "It was easier to do that then tell you the truth."

"What's the truth?"

"I do like you... a lot. But I don't want to live in someone else's shadow. And I just think the whole thing would end in a disaster..."

"What're you talking about, Y/N?"

"Peggy. Your first and only love. I can't measure upto her, not in my wildest dreams, there's no use trying."

"Why would you have to measure upto Peggy?"

You opened your mouth to answer, but couldn't really come up with an answer. "Why wouldn't I?"

"I did have feelings for her, but that was a long time ago. I'm happy she lived her life, it just wasn't meant to be."

"So, you're not still in love with her?"

"No," he shook his head, "I wouldn't have asked you out if I was."

"Well, what about Crystal? You were practically glued to her the entire evening!" you huffed as you stomped your foot. Mad at your own stupidity. You could've simply told him the truth and asked for a straight answer. "I have to warn you, she had was pretty crazy in the last season."

"Last season?"

"Mm-hm, the last season of her reality show, I've seen all eight seasons. Maybe they just amp up the drama, maybe she isn't actually crazy, I wouldn't know," you shrugged.

"Doll," he smirked, circling a hand around your waist and pulling you into him, "are you jealous?"

"I am not!" you gasped, looking away from his eyes as you felt your cheeks heat up.

"I don't want anyone but you. Why would I? You're goddamn perfect. And... I want you to be my girl."

"I guess I don't really have a reason to say no now..." you murmured, your face still flustered as you played with the buttons on his shirt before he tilted your chin up to make you look at him, placing his lips over yours in the most tender of kisses.

"Got the job done, Tones... I'm pretty sure I saw him go after her, I have to say though, you look at Captain America, and you really don't expect him to be that awkward..." Crystal said as she sipped on her gin and tonic. "You owe me."

Tony only hummed, not too happy about being indebted to someone, but you both needed a necessary push in the right direction.

[seewetter]

"Also like uh. If I thought that the goodwill of strangers in a community are responsible instead of an institution distributing resources was more a thing of libertarianism or anarchism, not communism?"

OP is an anarchist in the typical sense of that word: an anarcho-communist. You know, like Proudhon and most anarchists these days. Anarchists are usually communists -- at least in terms of their political sympathies and ideals, that is to say, they consider themselves communists and will speak about communism as a desirable thing.

So yeah, OP is trying to argue that communism necessarily should come from anarchist sensibilities & is trying to fend off criticisms of anarchism being ableist by passing the buck back to other parts of the radical left.

By the way, I'm not trying to defend OP. I think a lot of criticisms made here are warranted.

One of the commenters on OPs post (hook-line-and-anarchy) writes:

"I love how the OP and the anarchblr post its referencing are both essentially straight up saying "institutions based on coercion are fundamentally incompatible with communism" and through a beautiful game of Tumblr Dumbass telephone that's somehow been re-interpreted as "all institutions of any kind are evil and bad" and then even further to "welfare services in capitalist societies should be gutted". Absolutely stunning work here, incredible stuff, no notes."

Now I obviously will disagree with people who want to gut welfare (unless we are talking about regulations that are in name "welfare" but in practice create perverse incentives...but that's not actually providing welfare, so that's beside the point).

But apparently OP is arguing "Institutions based on coercion are fundamentally incompatible with communism" by attacking any person who "wants the disabled to rely on the goodwill of an institution". And apparently OPs 2 sentence blog post got watered down ("re-interpreted") as OP thinking "all institutions of any kind are evil and bad".

Forgive me, but from 2 sentences we cannot telepathically guess what OP thinks about institutions. OP is juxtaposing reliance on the goodwill of "others" to the reliance on the goodwill of an institution. Not just any institution, but an institution in a communist society. So an institution in a society where class no longer exists, an institution in a society where the perverse incentives of investors and businesses (in short, of capital) no longer exist. OP did not make any argument or claim about coercion -- and OP is playing a game of cat and mouse, in which the conclusion is supposed to be "communism by definition must be anarchist" but in which to arrive at this conclusion we are supposed to imagine a non-anarchist communism (the one we are trying to argue can't exist) which somehow is awful enough for its institutions to not be sufficiently moral for anarchists.

But most of the reaction to OP comes from the actual claim OP is making (as presented by hook-line-and-anarchism), not a watered down strawman version.

In anarchist schools of thought that allow for institutions (like platformism, etc.), the idea that coercion will be absent from these institutions yet the institutions will be fast-acting in times of disaster and effective seems at odds. Just because the institution is now called a "trade union" for example, doesn't mean that it somehow is powered by fairy dust and will magically aid society without constantly overriding the opinions of people who have valid objections but no real way of expressing them without sabotaging the aid that the institution is able to provide.

Any time an institution makes a decision, there is plenty of room for dissatisfaction. And in many situations, people either expect quick results (because they are dickheads) or the quick results are a matter of life or death (such as during climate change induced disasters or other unforeseen circumstances...including cyber-problems like the recent CrowdStrike debacle). Our future will necessarily be global, necessarily be large-scale and it will necessarily require not just institutions and large actors, but it will require institutions that cannot meet the high bar that anarchists set for democracy. They can be very democratic, don't get me wrong...but they can't totally circumvent coercion.

Now there is a valuable question to be had about institutional accountability. In a "communist society" (in a high level socialist society, to avoid using Stalin's propagandist jargon), we may still encounter problems when large global institutions fail people but are completely out of reach of people. I would certainly not want to live in a socialist society that uses institutions that the majority cannot reign in -- I already live in a society that does that, but socialism alone won't fix this. But having said that, I do certainly want to live in a society where large-scale decisions (that can go wrong!) can be carried out by actors who can force that decision into being against my will. Because if those coercive institutions don't exist, then no one can act in time (vote in time, be careful enough in time) to decide how to handle a situation that is going out of control on multiple fronts.

In fact, anarchists like to play a game here where they argue that their direct democratic frameworks will totally address this problem by hiring experts (silent part: with the power to coerce) but they refuse to call this coercion, because it will all be done in such a satisfying way that no one will dislike the results or feel violated, ever.

You can't have it both ways. You can't say that "the people" will be in power and then grant that power to institutions that need to act without the people or against the people in order to act at all AND also say that the institutions that act in this way aren't coercive so that really "the people" still are in charge.

I don't believe that our society is simplistic enough that we can ever produce a fully educated public, a public of polymaths whose democratic decisions about the world will be adequate to the best outcomes for everyone. I am perhaps more of a technocrat, I think intellectual work and specialized knowledge is necessary and that it necessarily takes some power out of the hands of some people, even if there is partial oversight of such individuals by the public.

By necessity, there will be people who can and will coerce others, because humans (can) have awful personality traits and (can) want awful things. People sometimes just "miraculously" try to take advantage of others to see if they can, rather than to fulfill a material need. And people with expertise can be wrong and make wrong and bad decisions that either feel coercive or are coercive.

If we want to talk about caring for mentally ill people, for example, we can't conceive of this care without realizing that there is an abyss of unknown facts. There is no clarity on mental illness, on what all the various mental illnesses even are, exactly. In the care of mentally ill people, there simply will be coercion. It's not something we should encourage or foster or celebrate, but it's something that will occur. The only way we know that we are on the right track when it comes to mental illness is that the people who themselves struggle with these condition are pleased by how they are now being treated. They will only be pleased when different avenues have been explored...some of those avenues will bring unpleasant results. Anyone can argue that an institution that delivers unpleasant results in the care of a person is a bad institution, one that abused its power over someone it was supposed to care for. One that caused the bad outcome by necessity. That person suffered because that institution failed. And while you can have failures that are not the result of coercion, I think if someone is looking even at non-coercive institutions from the outside, they will not really be able to tell that these institutions aren't coercive. How do you know that a person wasn't coerced to present a negative outcome as an accident caused by a voluntary treatment that went wrong? From an outside point of view, institutions will never be "open source", never really be transparent no matter how hard they try. There will always be a clear fear that the institution produces bad outcomes in ways that are covered up internally. In a world of deepfakes and who-knows-what-else, just about any "fact" can be questioned by people with even a healthy dose of skepticism. How do you establish trust that these institutions are actually to be supported, to be participated in, to be trusted and considered valuable?

The answer as far as I am concerned is: you can't. No one can. With socialism, we have a clear target: understand perverse incentives that govern our economy and re-engineer society so those perverse incentives no longer exist. But socialism doesn't promise "an end to coercion", a goal that absolutely sounds like the only people who could come up with it are the sort of people who can't understand that their goal is not measurable, is not quantifiable. Even if we demand the eternal revolution of the situationists ("well I just think it's a non-coercion is a good ideal to live by and we must always keep the pressure going so institutions are as anarchist as possible") the focus on coercion as the problem blurs the boundaries between having to do unpleasant tasks because life is unpleasant and bad things happen and institutions have to make hard choices (which I think is valid and good and anarchists are poo-pooing for no good reason) and on the other hand having to do things to suit the wants of people who will (perhaps not gladly but willingly) destroy this planet for short-term profits because they live in a world that didn't spend sufficient resources developing a more robust economy/society/etc.

We need coercion. There need to be coercive institutions that just act quickly without asking. They don't ask if the population believes that a disaster is coming or if the population has all their bags packed or if the population wants to leave their homes, they just send a large organized "force" of people and force an evacuation of the area, because there is no time to ask everyone whether they would like to come along or whether they have consulted their relatives who will otherwise mourn their stubbornness and get frustrated at the institution that just abandoned them when they said they didn't feel like leaving. The coercive institution doesn't "know best", but it makes the only kind of choices adequate to large-scale or fast-paced (or both) problems.

Sheesh. This is like explaining to vegans what happens to ecosystems when you release all livestock into the freedom of the wilderness.

"if your vision of communist society is one in which the disabled have to rely on the goodwill of others to live that vision sucks" -person who wants the disabled to rely on the goodwill of an institution

[hhjs]

love or lack thereof.

pairing  — felix x reader

genre / trope  — angst, fluff / exes with benefits.

word count — 7.7k 

warnings  — suggestive, heavy implications, swearing, some making out but no actual r rated stuff but i will say this is suitable for 18 and up audiences. 

note  — this is unedited, subject to change. spare me lol

There are two sides to every person. The side that you want people to see and the side that you keep to yourself.

You think you've come to discover all those aspects of Lee Felix. Given that he's sweet, unassuming and inexplicably kind to the naked eye but you know, the rising anger in you knows he's only ever been cruel to you.

"Move," you seethe, he moves to let you in but you unintentionally knock your shoulder against his. There's people on the subway, and you hate the way Felix's innocent gaze finds yours for a second and it makes you look like the bad guy.

You feel the disapproving glare of a grandma who has a crumpled catalogue about seasonal pie recipes on her lap, as if she can't believe how much of a cunt you were being to an absolute stranger.

A roll of eyes follows, fishing for your ear phones, if only they knew.

Seeing your ex boyfriend outside of your casual deal hits you with the force of a punch to the gut. But you hid it exceptionally well. Arrogantly jutting your chin upwards. Whilst he cowers beside you, having supposedly caught your sour mood.

To think you had spent an hour with him in a bedroom just formerly...is rather strange. You've been sleeping with him for the past few months now and where it had begun is slightly mysterious to you — was it Chan's birthday party or a clubbing gone wrong one night stand just after Felix had come back to town....? You aren't entirely sure.

Albeit the arrangement is ingrained in your head — what you have with him is a secret strictly kept from your friends who otherwise if even caught air of a mere conversation between you two would invite an influx of queries. This is simple, physical, you don't have time for a relationship, let alone one with him and to mend how utterly lonely you are with someone who hasn't already seen you naked, someone who you couldn't blindly trust, is too much work.

Even though Felix is indubitably affected by your unwavering indifference, something he wasn't used to when you were together because of how giving you were to sate his utterly needy tendencies. Now he feels himself clawing at your hardened exterior in search of just those affections to no actual avail —hurt crossing his eyes when you sneak out of bed without saying goodbye, when days pass and you don't call or text and most importantly, when you're in public and you can't be bothered to spare him as much as a glance. To you, it's nothing more and nothing less. You make it a necessity to keep reminding him.

See you liked to pretend you're a resilient person. That in your heart you really do forgive people and move on.

But he is an exception.

"Did you eat?" He perks up, his voice is small. Careful.

You keep your stoic expression, looking ahead. "No."

Then he blinks, like he usually does when he doesn't understand why you act the way you do. Impolite, communicating only in monosyllables.

Do you really hate him that much?

There's a hoodie pulled over his black hair, longer along the neck,headphones dangling from his neck and his backpack in his hand, he hopes when he holds onto the same railing as you are, that your fingers should brush just a little.

Despite the way you adamantly ignore him, Felix opens his mouth to utter a passing inquiry. Your jaw clenches. And you desperately begin to scan the city map plastered inside to navigate passengers to their destinations.

"Can we...do you want to get something to eat..." He swallows, "together?"

As if he's crazy for even making such a proposition, you look at him once but from the corner of your eye and he thinks that's a lot considering how often you look past him, through him, never at him. You shake your head, giving him a warning stare.

Across from you, his reflection is frowning at your negative response. Still staring at you with a marveling gleam in his eyes, how much you've changed over the past two years just as he has....still takes him by surprise. Suddenly and unexpectedly, his eyes flicker to yours and he finds you staring at his image against the glassed doors. And like a deer caught in headlights, your heart drops to the depths of your stomach.

The announcement above falls deaf to your ears as you exit in a blind rush of sheer panic. Ignoring the biting cold and unfamiliar station. Your stop is still quite far. Maybe you'd have to take the taxi... or walk.

But in the face of all those hassles you sense yourself feeling incredibly relieved...because frankly, you think, you could go to hell and back if gets you away from him.

—

"So you came to tell me you're just gonna give up? Is that it?"

Felix carefully glances at you through his lashes, silently pursing his lips as to convey the answer.

You stare at the speckles of light kissing up his freckled cheeks, his big beaming eyes, a slightly low bridge but rounded tip of his nose paired with a small upturned mouth.

You can't believe you won't see him again.

Whenever he'd catch a break, he'd take the 2 hour bus to town and come see you, meet you and those once in six months meetings alone, to you, compensated for his lengthy absence.

So it couldn't be the distance, you thought, if that were the case he'd have dumped you when he moved to the capital for university.

Felix just doesn't want to be with you anymore.

"You don't get it...." He closes his eyes, as if he doesn't want to see himself saying what he is about to say, you almost don't get the resistance in his tone. The subtle drop of his Adam's apple. "I don't want to hurt you." He starts, "Just think about this rationally... we're so young, what if I find someone else there?"

Someone...else?

Is it that easy to dispose of you? Aren't you enough?

How foolish of you to only ever think of him.

It felt like Felix was kicking you where knew would hurt the most.

Your sardonic laugh is cracked, garbled and it's so fucking embarrassing that you're crying in the middle of a fast food joint, your fries have gone cold. Had you known seeing him this time would be vastly different from usual, you wouldn't have ordered at all. Why didn't he tell you before? Why had he insisted on catching you unawares?

But then again...this isn't about you at all. This is about Lee Felix. This is about him reducing your worth to make room for himself.

Ultimately, you understand, what is worse than not being loved back is being loved by someone who doesn't love you as much as you do them.

"Well I won't stand in your way then,"

You clear your throat,

"Fuck..." you rub your temple, the sadist in you coughing up hysterical laughs. The ache inside your heart at this point has turned into physical pain, cracks fissuring out against its surface and gnawing at the flesh like its being torn apart at the seams.

You should've seen this coming.

Everyone told you and told you you could only drag on an opposites attract sort of relationship for so long before you start to realise how incompatible you are.

Felix has the audacity to reach over and place his fingertips on your knuckles,his eyes are sad, overflowing with pity. It makes you feel small, the way he looks at you, small, sad and abandoned.

What tips you over the edge, however, is how calm he seems, as if he had been precisely planning to dump you for days and months and years while you continue to make a fool out of yourself never have forseen his decision.

There are tears running down your cheeks, abusing your vision with a vicious sting. You bring your sleeve to collect the needless moisture in a sudden rise of temper that is oh so typical of you.

You snatch your hand away from his touch.

"Don't touch me." You say, the simple comment transfers pain to Felix's eyes, mouth parting in silent words. You want to scream at him, you want to shake him by the collar and tell say something, just say anything at all and I will forgive you. Goddamnit.

In a perfect world, you think, a world where things happened exactly the way they should, you wouldn't have said, instead,

"And don't you fucking dare come back here...ever again."

And...in that very perfect world, he would've listened.

—

Felix thinks he could, dare he say, love everything about you. Even though you most certainly deserve someone who hasn't hurt you the way he has.

Now it's funny actually, how the tables have turned...back then, he wasn't sure about you and now you aren't about him.

Felix doesn't really blame you though...because he knows he asked for it.

Your presence in his life has somehow become an absolute necessity to say the least. And ironically enough, while he had so confidently pushed you to let go of him, he realises he had been holding onto you all along.

Now what was he saying...again?

Right. Felix loves everything about you.

But what he loves most...is the way your hand instinctively finds his heart when you're kissing. It's just a simple movement of your fingers splaying against his chest, the warmth of them seeping through the fabric of his shirt. He doesn't even know why it means so much to him.

His hand drops from your ass to the back of your thighs to situate you closer to his chest. He moans into the kiss when your teeth comes to scrape against his bottom lip, your ministrations are typically rough and speedy but he is seemingly far too absorbed by the exhilarating feeling coursing throughout his entire form — it's not just blatant lust, he knows, but a much deeper understanding that he is inexplicably gladdened by the fact that he's touching you and you're touching him.

A shaky breath leaves Felix's parted lips as he cranes his neck to allow your lingering kisses to shift along his angular jaw.

Then without quite meaning to, his vision focuses on the table clock that reads it's well past midnight...you had run late tonight for reasons you neglected to disclose. Now that he really focuses, a strong musky fragrance akin to unfamiliar men's cologne wafts up his nostrils.

It couldn't be....

As Felix's suspicions run deeper, he restlessly begins to search up every aspect of his surroundings as best as he can in the limited provision of light. There is a large coat discarded on his bed, one he hasn't seen you wear before...then again it might not be yours at all...

You notice how he's stopped responding to you, so you pause, leaning back, still on his lap. "Is something the matter?"

Felix swallows, blinking up innocently at you. This deal is simple, isn't it? He knew what he was getting into the first time you got together and the second and the third and so on, so why had the possibility of you getting involved with someone else even bother him then?

Both of you knew why.

And what's worse is that Felix is sensitive by nature, never truly succeeding to hide his emotions, especially intense ones when faced with them. So he is hyper aware of the fact that what he is feeling in the moment is not jealousy, it's neither anger nor resentment but a deep seated insecurity that he will lose you.

Again.

"Were you...with someone?"

As expected, your hands resign from cupping his face, you avoid looking at him.

"What?"

Felix clears his throat, his accent thicker, voice heavy from disuse. He thinks about something being with you in the same way only he has...and it causes a dull ache inside his chest.

He rests his head back against the sofa and shrugs lazily. As if to prove a point, as if to say did he touch you here? his fingers ride up your t shirt, gently cupping your ribs, he tries not to look too satisfied when you quiver under the touch.

Still you lift yourself up and the sudden lack of contact almost makes him whine.

You stand before him. A hand at your hip.

"Why are you acting like this?" You say and he notes you sound more... curious than annoyed. Though what frustrates him is that you hadn't answered his question. "I thought I made myself clear...there are rules we agreed upon."

Oh he knows — no staying over, no personal questions, no jealousy.

Felix purses his lips. The downside of your forwardness, the same utterly admirable trait he finds really fucking hot, the one that conditions you to tell Minho off when he hogs all of Felix's brownies though the latter himself is too much of a pushover to say anything, the same one which had in times of recurring doubtfulness assured him of your strong feelings towards him, is that you say whatever comes to mind without sparing anyone's feelings.

"I'm just asking, [........]," he lies, trying to control the pain from projecting itself onto his voice. It hurts to see the way you jump to defend yourself around him, as though you're scared he'll hurt you again. The lack of faith you have him, after all this time, causes him hurt. "Why are you getting so upset...."

Felix is gentle. Communicating his feelings through his actions rather than words, cooly, slowly. And you are the exact opposite — there is an immediacy in your conveyance, a roughness. You mean what you say and you say what you mean so you think everyone does too. Which is why, he concludes, his present actions are insufficient to remove the seeds of resentment he'd left in the wake of his bitter utterances when you broke up.

But Felix was only 18 then, a kid completely unaware of his overwhelming need to have you in his life....what matters is, he's trying...he really is, to recover from his mistakes......shouldn't that least matter?

Thinking the slight inhibition in his tone is just a figment of your imagination and that he is simply and indifferently inquiring you, you feel a wave of embarrassment wash over you. Then you drop down on the bed, feeling for his remote.

You sniff through your nose and against your better judgement say, "I went out with an acquaintance,"

On weekends Chan usually wasn't home, you could come over. This is the routine, it has been for some time now...so, you've come to know Felix's room more intimately than your own, the walls are a deep blue, like the kind of blue out of a Holly Warburton painting. There's an old Coldplay poster on the back of his door and X-Men action figures from eons ago lined on the edges of his bookshelf.

You know where everything goes when though it's dark. But that doesn't mean anything.

It shouldn't.

"A acquaintance who gave you their coat midwinter...you must be close,"

You ignore his pointed comment, he ignores the way your eyes light up when you talk about this acquaintance.

"He's nice." You say, "He walked me to the station and everything."

A happy hum comes in response.

Because when was the last time you talked to him as freely as you are?

Felix plops down on his stomach beside you, elevating his form on his elbows. His fingers come to brush loose strands out of your eyes. Your gaze meets his for the second time that week. Slower. As if you hadn't minded looking him this time. He feels his heart being tugged at all possible angles.

Then, because he can't stop himself — he leans down and kisses you, tentative and indolent, like he has all the time in the world, like all he wants to do is kiss. Don't get him wrong...you've done downright unspeakable things with him, to him...but nothing mediates his adoration for you without the employment of speech like these little chaste...purposeless movements. His fingers coming to splay against your neck, thumbing along your throat when you gulp, the tip of your nose brushing against his cheekbone, eyes fluttering shut. They're...they're intimate. Utterly special. He knows you feel it too, from the way you look slightly surprised, searching his face, eyes skimming up any fragment of emotion conveyed in his features. But you don't encourage it, slowly shifting to turn your back as you lay quietly against his chest.

"Let me stay here tonight," you say, "I'm tired."

"Okay,"

Felix thinks you've broken not one, but two rules now. He hadn't expected you to answer. He hadn't expected you to get into bed with no intention of departing either.

Though he doesn't hold it against you, this is what he wants, for you to open up to him again...after all. These changes can't be bad changes, even if they are little, it's still progress...right?

—

You wet your fingers, dipping the moistened muscle against the clay mold. All around you is not as eerily quite as it is in your apartment, footsteps thrumming against hardwood floor, kiddish humming from the kitchen, the smell of sugar in the air, you've never worked outside of your home station and well...in class. You thought of yourself as a self sufficient individualist, you liked to believe that you didn't enjoy other people's company like you did your own, with the exception of your roommate. But that's only since you aren't close enough for her to disturb you.

Yet with Soomi moved out for good, the place felt...odd to stay by yourself.

So you found yourself spending more and more time at Felix's. It's nice to have a place to crash in every now and then, the sex is great and when you get hungry after, you don't have to think twice about scouring the fridge.

You don't know why you put off spending time aside from sleeping together at all, more time spent didn't necessarily add to your deal or subtract from it....because the action itself doesn't really mean anything. Everyone gets tired of being alone at some point. That's a universal fact.

Initially, you told yourself your presence was a consequence of Chan catching you two in the shower one night...so now that the cat's out of the bag, you two figured his place could become the only premise you didn't have to play pretend in. You both knew the elder would be more than willing to keep the younger's secret even if he didn't exactly approve of it.

With the increased frequency of your visits, bits and pieces of you remain dispersed all throughout the apartment, your body wash in his bathroom, your underwear in his laundry, the smell of you in his sheets, on his clothes. You had relaxed yourself through the periphery of his life and he had small glimpses of yours, habits and flaws, unknowingly...or knowingly....whatever. — Felix could only thank God that Chan had found out, in spite of the revelation itself putting you both in a compromising position.

With time, he starts to keep a few secrets from you too, here and there, knowing that if you knew you will stop doing it altogether. He can't have that...

You throw a leg around his hip when you're fast asleep, flinging an arm not a second later to cage him in your warm embrace. Felix likes the way your chest rises and falls against his back, how your breath tickles his skin and your mouth parts against his shoulder blade. Sometimes he stays awake and waits for you to do it, then when you do, he grins so hard his face hurts a little. Felix likes being the little spoon.

"Are you listening?"

His vision narrows down to the sight of you holding out your palms in the air, there's wet clay on them, as well on your cheek and legs, between them your pottery wheel is halted to desuetude, there's old newspapers layering the floorboard to prevent staining.

"Sorry...," he smiles sheepishly, "What did you say?"

It's your turn to shift your gaze to your feet. Felix thinks it's highly uncharacteristic, the way you seem almost...shy?

"Can you..." You eye the mug mounted on his study desk, he catches onto your request easily, "I'm thirsty—"

"Yeah yeah hold on... careful," Felix chirps, carefully guiding the rim to your lips to make sure it doesn't spill. He uses the tip of his thumb to wipe the corner of your mouth, you flinch first but then whilst the mild shock subsides, simply stare up at him as the pad of his thumb brushes against your skin. "There you go..." he trails, eyes bright with care.

You feel like a child being doted on, the mere emotion plunging you back to when you were 5 and had crushes on boys who shared skittles with you.

"Thanks."

Felix's ears perk up at the courtesy, you were never one to express yourself easily and when you did, every time, he felt inexplicably delighted.

The apples of your cheeks feel hot for some reason, by putting yourselves in in these small situations, you keep confusing him, you know, because you keep confusing yourself too.

You come out again that night but this time Bang Chan is shifting around in the kitchen. He hardly sleeps, you observe, but probably refusing to come out because he wanted to avoid bumping into you.

Chan doesn't seem to like you very much. Probably. You don't blame him. Before you came along, Felix and he spent more time together, now you had become a constant in his life without will.

You have to listen twice to realise he's speaking with you. Not an invisible being behind you.

"What?"

"I said..." His tone dropped dangerously low, he looks annoyed at something. "Listen I don't care what you're doing but don't hurt him." He's wearing a black t shirt and a pair of pajama shorts with cartoon wolves littered all across the baby blue fabric. He's trying to appear intimidating. It's not really working.

You stifle a laugh.

Frankly had you not known how deeply he cared for Felix, you'd not have cared about his advice. Or warning....?

"Fine," you respond, watching as the tension visibly left his body with one bating breath. "I hope this isn't about me stealing your yoghurt though."

"It's a little about stealing my yoghurt," he jokes, you think he's one of those people who'd apologise if you punched them in the face and spat in their drink. It's interesting...

Chan laughs a little. His eyes sparking with amusement for the first time of all the times he's looked at you. Did he trust your word that much?

—

"He talks about you a lot you know,"

You nearly spit out your drink. Seungmin isn't exactly the densest guy you know. Far from it exactly and he isn't discreet either. So your first instinct is to think he knows something.

You watch Felix from a distance, a solo cup in hand, he's laughing at something Hyunjin said, there's a crinkle along the bridge of his nose and his upper lip curls upwards to reveal his teeth. In reality, in everyone's eyes, your lives are separate. They walk on eggshells around you still...you assure yourself there's no way anyone could've guessed.

So you play dumb, glugging the whiskey into your cup. It spills around the edges, landing on the semi-lit neon counter.

"Who?"

Seungmin blinks at you. An unreadable expression on his face.

"Jisung." He says, "Who else?"

You feel yourself getting less excited, the breath you were unconsciously holding passing your entire form. Jisung is the newest addition to your life, a performing arts student who offered to portrait model for a project you'd been given in class. He's cute, forward, which you like a lot. And you notice whilst using him for inspiration, that he looks at you just as attentively as you had at him.

Only for different reasons.

Jisung asks for your number. You say yes. Half-heartedly. Though at the forefront of your mind you keep comparing everyone to the guy you go home to ever so often, you pick out their flaws and their perfections and you think to yourself he isn't like this, he is like this.

"Yeah?" You pose, sipping and wincing. "What did he say?"

"Just the usual stuff...." Seungmin tilts his head, he's not drinking tonight because he has an exam tomorrow. You think it's a little funny that he's carrying around water in a solo cup. "But I can tell he has the hots for you,"

You laugh this time. That's no surprise to you. "Well he's not so bad himself."

Seungmin narrows his eyes, shooting you a suspicious look.

"Of course you'd say that...." He taunts, "Heard you guys hung out...how was that by the way?"

"It was alright. Sort of just...happened. We bumped into each other and he offered to buy me dinner."

"And you...said yes?"

You give him a blank look, sarcasm dripping from your monotonous sentences, how else would you have spent time together?

"No, I didn't, Seungmin,"

The owner of the name rolls his eyes at your satirical comment, "No need to be mean, I'm just a little surprised is all."

"Surprised?"

You raise an eyebrow, Felix is still in your line of sight, it looks like he's stalling, waiting for your conversation to end so you could leave. He glances at you a few times and you quickly text him a 5 more minutes. "Why's that?"

"Cause every time you start to have feelings for someone, you take one step forward and ten steps back," he points out, "Think about it...you haven't been in like an....actual relationship after...well, you know," he postulates.

You glare at Seungmin, your pride somewhat injured.

"Hey! I've....dated."

"No....you slept around with people, that's not the same as dating." He retorts.

You snort.

Wouldn't you know.

Minho changes an upbeat pop song to something mellow. It's in a foreign language...maybe Spanish, you understand nothing but you don't have to to know it's a sad tune, the lyrics coming together in a melancholic harmony. Your eyes drift away, you feel your attention falter.

It was not unknown for you to have absolute control over your life, be it living your days by strict routine or building such a sturdy pretentious armour around yourself so that your organic self remained unscathed underneath. You had learnt the hard way that being yourself in front of other people would only bring you hurt...but if no one really knew you, no one could hurt you.

This game of hide and seek had become such a long standing practise in your life that it disconnected who you are from who you pretended to be. And every time the extent of your actual desires, monsters much beyond your control rose to the surface, they brought you shame, disgust.

You found those pretences withering away, the shell of protection around you falling apart whenever the thought of Felix crossed your mind. — his heavy noise of content against your neck, his fingers curling into your sheets, his open mouthed kiss against the arch of your hipbone, everything and anything...you had again, despite all your abrasions, become madly consumed by him.

And you must admit to yourself that you are becoming quite ridiculous because of it.

In this strange moment, you realise you almost need Felix to harp on about you even though you specifically asked him to keep all that you have a secret. You want his friends to come scurrying to you to start telling you that he cares so much he can't keep his mouth shut, to be so enamoured with you that his innermost feelings become painfully apparent, that it's utterly stupid of you to not see how he feels about you.

That's not how it goes though. Stuff like that only happens in movies.

Felix responds, texting, "Take all the time you need." Surprised, you steal a glimpse of him, but only when Seungmin isn't looking. You didn't know what you expected, something more crude, that would give away that he was jumping on the balls of his feet to only get into your pants, that would remind you that Felix is nothing but your fuck buddy. You find that you always look for reasons to resent him....because if you did, it meant that you didn't have to acknowledge how you're still in love with him.

You knew what you were in for. And hoping, wanting something more....is no more than wishful thinking.

Felix smiles at you, a genial smile, a simple curve along the corner of his lips which conveys patience, but also something deeper, like...understanding.

Again no matter how much you pushed him away he seemed to find his way back to you in some fashion, just to convey that your union is not all as black and white as you told yourself it was.

You down the entire drink in one swig. Seungmin makes a face at you, the kind he makes when you stick your fries in ice cream for shits and giggles,

"Well....we broke up a long time ago," You hiss at the awful taste stinging your throat, sounding slightly angry. You can't believe it matters still, but when you've been clutching onto something for too long, be it a painful emotion or a memory...you start to think it's the locus of your life, an integral part of you. It terrifies you to think who you'd become without it — vulnerable, malleable, sensitive.

You can't do that again.

The last few weeks, regardless of how good they were, didn't change a thing.

It couldn't. You wouldn't let it.

Seungmin is right, you think, you are taking ten steps back. Just not in the context he thought.

"There's no reason I shouldn't start now."

—

Turns out there is a reason.

Jisung asks you out the next day. He's so friendly that you feel overwhelmed. At all times of the day, he dresses like a frat boy out on his morning jog. A nike running shirt and loose fitted trousers, a baseball cap worn the other way around...it's a little silly.

You don't mind it, having the kind of apathy you would have towards someone you don't know very well.

Everything with him feels new, awkward. But also slightly exciting. He talks too much when he's nervous and you notice that he's almost always nervous because of your personality, as though he can't really put a finger on you and doesn't know what to do about it. Besides...he’s not a horrible kisser either, you muse, he just doesn’t know what you want.

Yet whenever you heard yourself thinking those compliments, you couldn't help but feel utterly guilty, a strangely deep seated feeling that you were doing something wrong.

Why did you feel this way....

Felix isn't your boyfriend anymore. You don't owe him any form of loyalty. You knew that. You're someone who sticks to their gut feelings and your gut had decided that something about seeing Jisung didn't feel right and not just because of Felix, but because you're not interested in a relationship just yet. And you're sure he could tell you aren't, he shouldn't quite expect a call back anytime soon.

"I had a nice time," you say, because it's true. He took you out for ice cream and bought you candy floss when you stared at it for too long.

When Jisung doesn't respond for a hot minute, you follow his trail of vision, which instead of focusing on you, has shifted to the semi-lit backdrop of your apartment. He's too obvious.

"Do...you want to come in?"

He flounders a little at your suggestion, embarrassed. "Would that be alright?....if I did...."

"That depends, are you gonna kill me?"

You say with a straight face. No matter much Jisung prodded at your exterior, you wouldn't budge, like you usually hadn't. Unravelling isn't really your thing so....he can't tell if you're kidding or not.

"No...?"

You snort, "Why do you sound so unsure?"

Jisung's face has grown impossibly red, he could feel his ears burning in indescribable shame. You just have this air about you that makes you incredibly hard to read and it's really attractive.

"I....I didn't..."

You keep your voice, steady, calm, "Relax," "I'm just screwing with you," you say, stepping aside for him to enter, "Make yourself at home."

—

You suppose you were born to study the arts.

You never could consider yourself a studious being. When you were in school, you remember falling behind in classes where the arduous process of revising was required, say mathematics or the sciences even.

Though that realisation hadn't come to you naturally.

Your parents wouldn't take kindly to you not taking up a "well paying" profession and you fell victim to the constant barrage of criticisms, of mockery which ultimately conditioned you to think some part of you, a large part just wasn't good enough.

And with Felix gone....

You were at your worst.

The two years you spent without him were the hardest, a set of years that obliged you to protect yourself from all the hurt around you, inside you. And while the security that you provided yourself is undoubtedly necessary for well...anyone, the process itself had its wicked way of rendering you unspeakably lonely.

You agreed to apply as an engineering major to gain your parents' approval and then transferred to the arts department by the time you'd successfully moved out. You haven't spoken to them ever since...and it hurt you more than you would deign to admit.

When your mum drops over for a surprise visit and chances upon your ex-boyfriend loitering about in your kitchen, fixing up midnight munchies, she takes a natural guess that you've gotten back together. (Which you think is far more agreeable than the truth. Knowing your mother, a staunch supporter of your relationship with him, she wouldn't take lightly to your arrangement.) And before you know it, you're all having dinner.

Felix makes an effort to dress up well, discarding his usual hoodies and joggers for a more formal look, you suspect it has something to do with the fact that you haven't attended any casual settings with him since you broke up.

Cutlery clinks against ceramic, coming down with a semi-loud thump as you try to swallow the enormous lump in your throat. Your mum makes a passing jab at you, saying how you had settled for a much "easier" major than say architecture or philosophy, she bitterly mentioned that everything worked out in the end. After all, your choice is a "much fitting" field of study for someone of your caliber, backhandedly insinuating that you're far too stupid to pursue anything else.

What inspires hilarity is how those insults still affected you. In front of Felix, you act like these few years have brought the fighter out in you and here you are trying to blink away the onslaught of tears prickling your vision. It feels like someone stripped you off your skin, off your flesh and picked out all your shortcomings for him to see.

You expect him to stay quiet, you expect him to think of you as the utterly shameful, selfish being you tell yourself you are,

But Felix's fingers find your shaky knuckles under the table where they rest on your knee, he implants the weight of them in a reassuring squeeze. "Well I think it's great," he says instead, smiling cheerfully at your mum. To which she, for the lack of support, sheepishly beams at him, "Not many people have the drive to do what they want to do. Or know what they want to do...take it from me, Missus [.....]" He laughs nonchalantly, the hairs on the back of your neck standing to attention upon hearing the lovely sound. You always liked his laugh, the sound rippling against your naked skin, thick baritone when he'd just woken up and a kiddish falsetto when he's extremely happy.

You wonder when you started paying so much attention.

Felix glances at you, lingering for a long minute."I bet it took a lot of guts."

You feel your chest constrict with a sudden surge of emotion from the mere look, you can't remember if the Felix you knew in the past, or anyone for that matter, had ever beamed at you with such pride.

You wonder what he'd think if he knew about Jisung, why you had neglected to tell him at all....you knew, because this little moment is precious to you and you had no reason to tarnish it. Not when you had time.

You tilt your head, using your free hand to hastily find the back of his neck, drawing closer to him with little strength. The more he realised what you're doing, the more excited he got. See he found your newly introduced public display of affection immensely attractive, though obviously embarassed by the sudden motion...

You can do crazy things sometimes. Really crazy things. In public and he has never opposed to such exhilarating things, be it in restrooms or even in a similar setting when you were dating, there was a certain thrill to it which drove him to the brink of insanity. Felix would silently implode your attention when you were alone and when you were out in the open, in whichever way he was to receive it, the way which insinuated you were his was the best of them all. All that was fine though...because it was just the two of you.

But now...in this indecent time, he wishes he could hear what you're thinking.

Had... had you gone completely mad?! Your mum is looking!

Your face is stoic, Felix's mouth parts, then you reach over and kiss him shamelessly.

Over the years, all the things that have caused you pain were things you had endured on your own, in his absence. This realisation alone invites a heavy conviction inside you.

Because you know it just as well as he does, no matter how sincere he is to you — you don't need Felix. Not really.

But you want him.

—

You do a stupid thing. A stupid endearing thing and Felix's heart beats like it would jump out of his mouth if he opened it.

It was meant to be a secret, what you two have, a matter of uncomplicated lust which didn't require the attention of anyone because it initially or so you put it, wasn't important enough.

Then you charge to him, he supposes it has a little to do with the person who was blatantly flirting him in the middle of Changbin's Halloween party, he doesn't care though.

You don't like embarrassing yourself, so he doesn't actually expect you to wear a black cat hairband matching his white ears and feline tail. Felix wants to think it means something, how despite the coos and the caas, the giant wave of surprise washing over your friends, you interlace your fingers within his and kiss his cheek.

He doesn't what that makes the two of you now... but he would give you all the time in the world to figure that out if it meant you could be his again.

—

You trace your fingers against outline of his face. Splatters of moist moonlight kissing the high rise of his cheeks, dusting along the long fringe of lashes which cast shadows along his skin, his freckles are like dots of bronze dispersed on his skin. He's beautiful like this.

"You're thinking too much," he says with his eyes closed, smiling a little. "Don't think so much."

You laugh. "Or what, huh?"

Felix cracks an eye open, his grin big, kiddish. "I was hoping you'd say that," he rubs the tip of his nose against your collarbone, he snuggles closer to your chest. What you hadn't expected was how he shifted his entire weight onto you, lying entirely atop you as though he were a starfish.

You couldn't stop laughing at the motion, it's so cheesy and gross...you love it.

—

Here's something you don't know — Jisung tells his friends everything, about making out with you and taking you out...everything. News travels fast. Faster than you anticipated. Despite wanting to divulge the matter, you were too taken by the recent shifts in your feelings to confess to your little interaction. You had told yourself again and again — a little later, just a little later and I’ll tell him.

It could be too late now.

The entire campus knew of your little rendezvous, shooting you curious looks... it's not until Minho comes up to verify the floating rumours do you all but sprint to Felix's place. You think of Chan's trusting eyes, of don't hurt him, of laughing in the intimacy of your bedroom and swiping your fingers down his spine like you were trying to commit the undulating design to memory.

You're not sure where it all began.

but you don't want it to end.

Felix doesn't answer your calls or your messages. When he buzzes you up, just from his gait, just from the resigned look in his eyes, you know he knows.

You watch as he listlessly leaves you to enter, walking before you without saying as much as a word.

You grab Felix’s elbow, making him stop in his tracks. He looks at your fingers wrapping around the muscle, shrugging you off easily. It’s just a small gesture but its impact is so large...that you feel your heart break into a million pieces.

You had never seen Felix being so quiet, even when he was down, he found a manner to radiate a form of optimistic energy which baffled you. You can’t believe how much you could have possibly hurt him. 

 “I can explain.” you gulp, “We went out on one date. It wasn’t because I liked him, I know it’s stupid and...I should’ve told you. I’m sorry, that's not an excuse, but you have to trust me when I say it didn’t...it doesn’t mean anything to me—”

“Did you sleep with him?”

With his back turned away, he still isn’t looking at you, speaking to you with a surprisingly stable tone.

“No.”

Felix takes a shuddering breath, one which expresses the small relief of knowing that Jisung hadn’t seen, touched you, felt you in the way that he only had, but there’s still so much more he wants to know. 

“Did he make you laugh?” 

It’s a silly question, he realises belatedly but he can’t help it. Some part of him, a large part, thinks he’d be more hurt if you made someone happy and they made you happy than if you fucked them.

You shake your head even though he can’t see you. “He didn’t.”

Your fingers again reach for his, wrapping your index into his thumb. You slowly move your hands to his middle, clutching him close to your chest, chin hooking into his shoulder, suddenly...you feel him melt into the embrace. Felix’s voice falters for the first time, small trembles against you. You’re willing to answer all his queries if it could put his mind at ease. You put your heart on hold for too long.

"Do you hate me...?" He sniffles.

You blink....did you?

Felix had changed, like you, he had matured, the past version of him you had so stubbornly ingrained in your endless inner monologue is not the one you grew all too familiar with...

Familiarity does breed contempt, does it not? Well you think the line between love and contempt is untraceable, melded together as a mysterious whole. After all those years, you were still angry, still filled to the brim with contempt for him and more importantly, yourself because you still love him much more than you'd like to admit. After all you've been through. After all this time. The need to love him ultimately encompassed every other emotion which posed itself as a hindrance.

So the opposite of love, the absence of love, you think, isn't hate, it's indifference. An emotion you never felt towards him.

Felix has wedged himself into every aspect of your life, tainted every portion of your routine in his presence and in his absence.

You don't think you'd have it another way.

"You broke my heart," you explain, "I was angry....but I could never hate you for the sake of hating you."

"I can't..." Felix whispers, twisting his body so he could look at you now, “I can’t promise you that it won’t be hard but I'm not—I’m not going anywhere...you know that right?”

You lean your forehead against his, his eyes shifting to your mouth, hands rising to wrap around your neck. You smile.

“I know.” you say, "Me neither."

“I love you...” He says in a small voice, putting his hand against your knuckles. “Do you love me?”

Your eyes soften, cupping his face like this — carefully collecting a lone tear with your thumb before it could touch his cheek. This time there is not a shred of hesitancy, no pause, no pondering before you say, 

“I never stopped.”

—

You enter in a blind rush of panic, thinking you might miss your ride, feet knocking together, elbows hitting elbows, bustling all around you and the sudden overwhelming stench of people hit you, it’s not an ideal setting, not at all actually. 

But you couldn’t bother to be displeased a second you spent with him. A teenager rolls her eyes at how disgustingly in love you are, elderly couples tutting under their breath...albeit, you don’t fail to notice their subtle smiles, small shake of their heads which attested to the fact that the joy you both radiate is.. absolutely infectious. You stumble with him behind, Felix is laughing breathlessly, bumping into your chest as the train suddenly starts moving, you place a finger on his cheek and he raises his chin to look at you.

“Did you eat?” he repeats, mocking himself, a dialogue from a time which seems an element of the distant past replaced by a love which compensated for every hitch in your relationship. You still argue, still disagree and still make up the same. Felix was right, it isn’t easy.

But when two people love each other as much as you do,

it’s worth trying. With every fibre of your being.

“No.”  You laugh, playing along, “But I could, with you.”

[nyarmand]

*cocks gun* give us the essay on the bad ships. Or talk abt his good relationships if you prefer (ppl really do refuse to take the shipping goggles off fr)

i will do BOTH

however i will talk about his positive relationships in a second post so people who don't want to see the entire salt mines i contain about this can still get the good content. because i am about to be an unrepentant hater.

so. from the information i've gathered, there are four 'main' raiden ships that people seem to split up between. (there are more minor ones but they all suck too and i don't want to talk about them because many of them venture into the downright horrifying.) those four ships are with the following individuals: rosemary, solid snake, vamp, and jetstream sam. now, when it comes to ships, i go in for the ones that are healthy and don't completely butcher the involved characters, so if anyone's reading this who doesn't give a shit about that then i guess this post won't mean anything to you. this still applies if it's a solely physical relationship--'friends with benefits' still involves them actually being, y'know, able to stand each other, and 'hate sex' as a concept is just... no thanks. plus even in those cases a lot of this kind of thing would still require completely ignoring the characters' actual personalities. not for me, thank you!

bonus points in this particular case because raiden already has so many awful, toxic relationships in his life and i simply do not see why anyone would feel the need to add more. anyway, time to actually get into my complaints. i'm not going to be super tactful about this. or tactful at all, really. you've been warned.

i have talked about the rose thing many times already so i'm just going to skip her because i'm not sure what else there is to say.

i've also touched on the problems with vamp. i like vamp just fine as his own character, but that doesn't mean i don't still disapprove of this idea. they're incompatible by virtue of one of them doesn't really give that much of a shit and just wants to die and the other one is perfectly fine making that happen. yes, yes, vamp is freud's best friend, but that doesn't mean shit on an emotional level and i doubt it really means much if anything on a physical level either. this one would either be vastly unhealthy or ridiculously inaccurate. moving on!

next up i want to talk about solid snake. i'll be honest here, i just do not like the guy, but that isn't the reason why i don't like this ship. again, this one would be incredibly unhealthy. raiden clearly looks up to snake, i'd go so far as to call it hero worship--he seems to think of snake almost as a mentor figure, which, considering the fact that the man who he grew up with and who 'taught him everything' was another of big boss's clones, isn't that much of a surprise. meanwhile, during mgs2, snake... does not treat him like an equal in the slightest. quite the opposite, in fact. even beyond consistently belittling him for his (perceived) lack of experience, rarely giving him any actual positive acknowledgement, insulting him behind his back, and generally just being an asshole... well, this is my hot take: snake doesn't treat raiden that much better than any of the other major players do. he isn't actively trying to kill raiden (but then again, neither are the patriots, for most of it), but other than that, let's run over the list: manipulating raiden, check, lying to him, check, betraying him and throwing him to the wolves when it suits his purposes, check! (also, he basically ignores raiden actively having a mental breakdown and just says a bunch of cryptic and unhelpful shit. how caring of him, i say sarcastically.)

and to say nothing of mgs4! holy shit, mgs4 is bad on the raiden-and-snake front. raiden literally throws himself into danger constantly and almost dies three separate times while trying to protect snake. he WOULD HAVE died at the end there if snake hadn't finally gotten him to stop with the suicide missions. 'my body is a machine, i can take it' you can't put metal in the microwave for a goddamn reason. aaaaand aside from having a couple decent moments, snake is... still an asshole. he tried to take raiden to shadow moses island when he was dying and by the time he finally changed his mind (because a CHILD had to convince him not to) he was telling raiden he had a family when he had already been very clearly told that no, no he doesn't. of course raiden has a breakdown. and snake ignores him. again. raiden pours his heart out and begs snake not to leave him alone and snake just says 'this is my fight' and leaves. that's it. like i said, he has a few moments, but by and large i think it's pretty obvious that raiden cares a lot more about snake than snake does about him.

the inherent emotional and power imbalance that would be and is present in any relationship (platonic (which is what we actually see), romantic, sexual, anything) between the two of them downright horrifies me. raiden would be putting almost all of the work into it for very little in return, and i just... i can't accept that. he deserves better than that.

aaaaaaand jetstream sam. christ. this one is so popular, and for what? for what? their first meeting is sam helping murder a man raiden truly respects and considers a friend. and then maiming him. including destroying one of the only organic parts he has left. all the while mocking him and then almost killing him, too.

and their second meeting doesn't go any better. sam immediately and cheerfully starts messing with raiden's mind, employing brutal psychological warfare to the point that raiden almost lets himself get killed because he's too damn nice for his own good and can barely bring himself to fight back against the people trying to kill him.

this is, of course, all while sam is working for desperado, a company that is kidnapping children off the streets and turning them into brainwashed cyborg soldiers, aka some of the most horrifying things raiden's been put through in his life at the same time. and then he has the nerve to try and take the moral high ground.

and then there's the third meeting! in which they once again try to kill each other. the fact that sam is calling raiden a pretty boy and saying to 'show [him] a good time' during this fight does not mean anything. he's not flirting with him, he's mocking him. his tendency to do that is literally one of his most blatant character traits. it's creepy. and even if he was flirting, that's not nearly enough to build anything off of.

the fact that he decides to help raiden at the end also doesn't mean anything. unless you want to look at his dlc and decide that since he decided to help armstrong that means you ship THEM.

that's actually another of the reasons it would never work. raiden is an idealist. he has very strong beliefs about right and wrong. and sam... doesn't. his little 'we've heard enough speeches about ideals' is just something he says to disguise the fact that he doesn't have any. he flip-flops over committing atrocities like he's trying to decide what to have for breakfast. meanwhile raiden would have sooner let armstrong kill him than help with his plans. they're completely incompatible. raiden might have had some respect for sam's fighting skills, but he'd never respect him as a person. because sam goes against everything he is.

i could say so much more on that, but this post is long enough as is, and i've already made you wait almost four hours... sorry about that... i have a lot of thoughts. a lot of them.