#but that just fucking spiralled me
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im not going to lie, im not doing the hottest atm. Between having one of the worst nightmares ive had in a long time (i literally woke gasping and panting covered in sweat and had to look over at my wife to make sure everything was ok and i was awake) and then just not having a really good mental day anyway im not doin hot. it feels like im being pulled in to many direction but also at the same time it feels like i cant focuss on anything, as if my mind is empty and there is nothing. feels like my entire existence is on auto pilot and i dont have any other way to describe it other than my mind is on like a couple second delay with my body and its always one step behind it. it just feels like there is to much going on for me to focus and think on anything, but also that nothing is happening.
#vent#the dream fucked me up way worse than i thought#like i was already not doing so hot mentally#but that just fucking spiralled me
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VI SOBBING WHEN CAIT HIT HER AND THEN JUST LEFT HER </3
I feel so fuckin bad for her, just watching Cait walk away after she promised she wouldn’t change, the gasping breaths, the despaired but resigned little sobs—like she knew this would happen but she hoped it wouldn’t. And now she probably feels so stupid…
#Vi#vi arcane#caitvi#caitvi breakup 2024#Arcane#arcane spoilers#arcane season 2#caitlyn arcane#caitlyn kiramman#she’s just like me fr#poor Vi#fuck Caitlyn#sorry but like girl#how could you#no wonder vi spirals#I would too girl
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it’s not bucktommy.
that’s sad.. absolutely, but that’s not why i’m- and i think a lot of us - are upset.
i’m hurt because i watched a sector of this fandom devolve into some of the most vile behaviour i’ve ever seen in fandom because some of us dared step outside of the hive mind and decide to ship a person with two people.
which then devolved into some of the most heinous personal attacks (of both fans and lou) i’ve seen in fandom ever, and i’ve been in some rough trenches.
i adore buddie. always have. always will. (they’re quite literally the reason i’m married)
but i do not know how to interact with them in fandom spaces anymore, which is why i stopped. because who am i interacting with? where do they stand on the horrific stuff that has gone on? were they the ones sending the anon hate?
bucktommy (and buddietommy) became the safe haven for a lot of us to still be able to interact with the fandom and characters we love once it got so bad, and now that it’s ended…
i can’t unsee all the shit that has gone down.
THAT is what hurts.
#that’s the blow here.#i don’t trust non multi shipping buddie fans becuase i cannot identify which of you caused all this harm#we literally just uncovered a DL trump supporter THIS WEEK!#the idea that i could be interacting with someone who called a queer man a slur or accused someone of lying about their cancer#and not know it? makes me ILL#and if i even begin to think about what happened to me? i’ll fucking spiral bro#all of it for WHAT
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An Unsexy Post About Censorship
Sooo...gumroad is shutting down NSFW content sales because of Stripe and Paypal. This is also why Wishtender has been down as well, if you weren't aware. And why Patreon is also cracking down on anything remotely kinky.
(If you're wondering why your favorite FICTIONAL sexual content isn't allowed on most platforms, it's payment processors.)
Please be extra kind to anyone who works with NSFW content right now, whether it be art, writing, audio, photos or video. Whether it be tasteful erotica, or the kinkiest BDSM porn you can think of, we're all in the crosshairs right now.
And, judging by trends from these past few years, this is only going to get worse.
Support NSFW creators where you can, whether by tipping or buying our content (where you still can) or just helping boost content on sites where algorithms want to drown us out.
Call representatives where you can and complain about payment processors acting as arbiters of what YOU are and aren't allowed to pay for and enjoy.
This may be about porn right now, but censorship of this caliber doesn't just stop with porn. Any transgressive (read: non-conservative) media is fair game.
Fight against it where you can. Support creators where you can.
Art is important. Reflections of our sexuality are important. We don't want a world where people aren't free to make or see the things they love and enjoy.
#nyxrambles#Warning: I'm going to get kind of grim in the tags so peace out of you have to.#This bums me out so fucking hard!#I have artist friends who are struggling because their content suddenly goes against these stupid fucking guidelines!#I'm going to have to take my stuff off of Gumroad even though it was previously allowed!#It's hard to not feel like everything is just spiraling toward fascism sometimes yanno?#I am usually opposed to slippery slope arguments but the goal of moral conservativism is to destroy everything that isn't in line with it.#They will not stop until the world reflects their narrow ideals. Like...that's the whole point of it!#Sorry guys I'm just having a rough one.#Between this and being sick for months I'm getting pretty fucking Done.#I'll be okay but I'm not going to pretend it isn't hard and scary.
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it's really cute when a character is completely obsessively devoted to someone they are entirely aware is toxic. submissive not because they're naive but because they are completely content with being taken advantage of.
#i like when it isn't just pure ''oh i love you no matter what'' and is in fact an all-consuming sort of madness#spiraling them ever-closer to destroying themselves and their beloved if they don't comply.#''you can take advantage of me. i am a tool for you in exchange for you being mine. but being mine is non-negotiable''#''and you have already signed the contract by biting first'' sort of vibes#lamb with poisonous blood and a wolf out of their depth and unprepared for how hungry the lamb's obsession is. moe.#not fandom#what im saying is i like when both parties in the relationship are a little fucked up
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Countdown to October 19th (10/19)
So Long London Apartment
#yeah the london apartment gets another mention#it means a lot to me okay#plus in my mind this video is just one of those videos that I remember#in my mind this was a moment#also just the oh you must be so sad and it just nope :D#over joyed in fact#this is posted a bit later because a couple days ago I realised I had an assignment due that I did not realise was due#so I worked on that#priorities#did I make the caption say so long london on purpose#of course I did#that's my song#so this was a real late minute pull together#thankfully I had the concept#but god#i'm gonna go pass the fuck out now#before I can over think this and spiral#dan and phil#dnp#danandphil#phan#amazingphil#my gifs#dnp gifs#danandphilgames#dan and phil games#daniel howell#phan countdown
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you ever just have a lot, a LOT of feelings all at once about a character and not even remotely enough words or brainpower to FORM the words to describe everything you're feeling. so it feels like you may explode. yeah
#sorry i got really into my feelings about mark hoffman again#the very specific version of him in my brain that i really really wish i had the time and energy to properly share with you guys#saw#well until i muster the energy to explode all of my feelings out into a fic. if you want to TRY and understand#know that my three biggest hoffman fic insps right now are as follows#your best kept secret hoffman. a series of mistakes hoffman. and rushed like a dreadful wind hoffman.#there is a very clear throughline just know i am extremely emotionally compromised rn#thinking about theee fics vs the canon path hoffman spirals down#something something the absolute tragedy of watching a man's descent into madness#the transformation of a man into a monster#and what could have saved him from himself and kramer's corruption#sorry i'm rambling so much oh my god i was just having such a crying fit out of nowhere about this#do you think he could feel it happening. do you think he was aware he was losing his mind.#the script version of him fucks with me so bad. the crazed rankings and the longer hair and him not being well kept anymore#it's impossible to think he didn't know he was deteriorating#fuuuck okay i need to either chill or write a whole longfic rn#i project on that guy so much i truly don't know if i could properly write my vision of him#until i do something more substantial the full extent of my hoffman exists for me and my boyfriend only. they get me like no one else#well ginny and jenna also get me. please read best kept secret and a series of mistakes Oh My God#where am i going with this. i like tag rambling actually this is a nice way to do it without forcing EVERYONE to read my delirium#anyways if you've read all of this i think i love you? feel free to dm me about hoffman and my very specific headcanons and aus#maybe soon i'll try and start writing my fics about this tragic man#i could never say any of this on twitter btw they'd string me up for my opinions on him as a sad wet beast who could have been fixed#if only he hadn't been weaponized first#god i'm too tired to even be as embarrassed about this as i should be. thought i unlearned cringe already#but i've been spending way too much time on twitter and they HAAATE hoffman there#rip. i know it's not that serious but i'm sensitive rn and hate feeling lonely in my thoughts#ok bye for real otherwise i'll never shut up. i might tag ramble more often bc this was therapeutic in a way i needed badly#cat chat
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If I had a nickel for every time a member of young money started wylin out for no goddamn reason this year I'd have 3 nickels, which isn't a lot but goddamn control your people
#kendrick vs drake#kendrick lamar#birdman#lil wayne#for those who dont get it: birdman made what happened to that boy in 2003 and the beat was by the neptunes (pharell williams)#birdman didnt pay pharell for the beat. pharell said fuck young money (birdmans record label) im never working with them again#pusha t (whos on what happened to that boy) also said fuck young money in solidarity with pharell and started sneak dissing lil wayne#lil wayne is birdmans prodigy/cash cow. wayne and pusha send shots back and forth and drake gets involved; how we get story of adinon#same time kendrick is also on a fuck young money kick bc he and pusha and Pharrell are friends and drake got mad at kendrick for subbing him#in a song then being friendly to his face so drake and kendrick send subliminals back and forth till drake does a song with j cole called:#first person shooter where j cole says he drake and kendrick are the big 3 of rap and drake says hes bigger than the superbowl bc he-#didnt get picked to perform#the big 3 line annoys kendrick who is very competitive and has always wanted to be the best rapper and he writes :#motherfuck the big three nigga its just big me#which sets drake off and im not explaining the rest of the drake v kendrick beef go watch josh johnson for that#but yesterday they announced that kendrick would headline the superbowl over lil wayne which pissed of uoung money cus wayne is from nola-#where the games being held. which has lead to birdman and nicki minaj having a major spiral on twitter
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i am only half kidding when i say this but i think there was no hojo nor vincent in the picture and lucrecia had a oddly sexual dream featuring jenova & then got pregnant after… like im thinking a virgin mary situation that plays on sephiroth being born to be and viewed as a savior (but it ultimately being false)
#ff7#sephiroth#is this coherent fucking give me thoughts in the comments i am YAPPING AND LOVE TO YAP#like i think it contributes to his supposed greatness and his spiral into insanity#maybe i just like religious imagery and false prophets#like idk false prophets make me sad lol born with an expectation of greatness u simply dont have#delete when i wake up and am smart again👍#idk i like to roll her character around in my head and view it from diff anglesssss#jenocrecia#← MAKING IT SO THIS TAG HAS POSTS im a proud yuri soldier
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can we please stop telling people to kill themselves and to rot in hell and that they deserve to be bullied and that they are inherently horrible people who deserve to die and get doxxed. please. can we please stop doing that.
#like#okay first of all. do you understand the gravity of what youre saying or are you just throwing words into sentences#second of all. that kind of language is so fucking harmful for people with ocd or just obsessions with morality#because i mean not to make this abt Me (though this is kind of a vent ) but when i see people saying that it just. Sends me into spirals#because if people can say that to other people then what if they say it to me because i secretly believe the same things (even if i don't#-most of the time!)#what if im an inherently horrible person deep down? am i going to rot in hell for feeling slightly bad for this person?#i cant imagine that others dont feel like this or something along those lines.#im so fucking sick of death threats they do nothing. they do fucking jackshit except make more people feel terrible.#if you send death threats to people or say shit like this im blocking you. i dont want you in my space#bee.txt#moral ocd#scrupulosity
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At last, I achieve victory .... the almighty Book Wall. Unfortunately I'm still gonna need another bookshelf. You know how it is.
#archivist talk#the archivist is currently very occupied by another semester of college#specifically in the interim before being able to apply for the nursing program i am taking an emt program#which has been wild and awesome btw#discovered i CAN in fact carry a 6'6'' 250+ lb classmate thank you ike for letting me test my skills#hoping to return to more frequent updates thoug#was spiraling about family stuff but yesterday i just learned one of my little sisters is pregnant#which means i am fucking vibrating with joy and also i need to crochet some baby blankets STAT#but anyways#LOOK!#BEHOLD!
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I am always thinking TimJay thoughts related to the fact that they have matching scars from getting their throats slit, and not only that, but Jason slit Tim's throat first in an attempt to threaten Bruce, where Tim was nothing more than a pawn for Jason to use to emotionally manipulate Bruce.
batman (1940) #618
And then, just a little while later when Jason is trying to confront Bruce and do his whole dramatic moment with Joker in UTRH, and Bruce slits Jason's throat to stop Jason from killing the Joker.
batman (1940) #650
It makes me so Unwell. They have literal matching scars. When do you think Jason realizes it? When do you think, while running his fingers over the scar he has to always remind himself that Bruce was willing to jeopardize Jason's own life just to save the Joker, Jason realized it was the same scar *he* gave Tim? And does it click for him too, that he and Tim are a lot alike? Being used as pawns in Bruce's game? And for the first time he maybe understands Tim Drake, just another kid trying to get Bruce's attention and approval? And Jason did to Tim exactly what Bruce did to Jason? And that's part of what spurns on Jason's obsession with Tim, trying to "save" Tim from Bruce's ideology?
When they finally get together does it make Jason even more possessive? He put that mark on Tim and now he has his own to match. It's the closest to being understood and loved he's ever felt when Tim runs his fingers over Jason's scar at the same time Jason touches Tim's. Mirrors of each other, in a fun, fucked up little way.
#jaytim#timjay#batcest#tim drake x jason todd#jason todd x tim drake#necrotic festerings#i would've included the proper panel where the batarang slits jasons throat but i've gotta be so honest with you#i can't fucking take that panel seriously. the art is *so* bad. why does jason's face look like that.#it ruins what should be one of the most important moments in jason and bruce's history. everytime i look at it i either laugh or cry#anyway it makes me unwell that jason scars tim first bc i usually see ppl mix this moment up with the titans tower moment#which would make it post-utrh#but no it's from batman: hush which comes first which is so much more fun for me when it comes to jason coping#like first you have to handle knowing the man you saw as a father bataranged your throat to save the guy who killed you#and then you realized he incidently gave you a scar that now matches the scar you gave the replacement you fucking hate?#i'd also be so unwell about it i'd go beat tim's ass at titans tower.#in my timjay little mind this is the true state of jason's complicated weird feelings about tim#the realization they have the same scar forces him to reevaluate his gut reaction to tim's existence#and thus his spiral into obsession and testing tim then trying to recruit tim begins.#i did in fact post this instead of writing fanfic don't mind it. i'm having a time. i'm also avoiding doing dishes.#i like ships besides timjay i SWEAR they're just on the mind as of recent
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Me? About to lose my shit? It’s more likely than you think
#who the fuck waits over 40 minutes to give reassurance that they’re not mad at you#boy what#i have bpd im gonna immediately think it’s something i did#also who the fuck just says ‘im trying to get the words out’#it’s been over 40 minutes#ive been in a spiral and you decide to wait almost a fucking hour before it dawned on you that im gonna take it out on you or me#is everyone an idiot today?#actually borderline#actually bpd#bpd#bpd feels#bpd thoughts#bpd problems#bpd stuff#bpd mood#bpd shit#bpd fp vent#bpd fp#bpd blog
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was worried parts of cr2 would not hold up on rewatch (especially seeing people hate the aeor arc so much) but ngl so far its either been good and fun as hell (travellercon, pirate arc) or just straight up banger after banger. like the xhorhas to angel of irons through to refjorged arc and then the cathedral.................. unrelenting slay
#so far the aeor arc is banging i love that its so freaky and i love that theyre committing to the bit and its cold as fuck and snowy#and everyones getting points of exhaustion from the cold#and lucien is scary . and it just feels like from the point they find molly's empty grave and then again when vess dies that theyre#spiralling as fast as an actual play dnd podcast can go towards a big scary climax with connecting threads and research its so fun#im excited for later when (almost) everyone starts getting the eyes on themselves. i love the raising stakes of it. its so spoooky#just abt to get to the ep when caleb and beau first do 😈#kiddo say#cr2 is just peak to me .#i did start at the beginning of the iron shepherds arc tho so i did hear/remember it starts slow. but idk i still like the characters enoug#but maybe i should go back to there too#(my rewatch started because i wanted to watch scenes with nila and then just kept going while i was working lmao)#nila and keg rule sm some of my fave guests. reani too#twiggy also is v good. but i should go back bc i actually dont remember calianna very well .
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Light Reading
#finger guns#gerry nation wake the FUCK UP#based his shoes on a pair I own ehehe being goth is great sometimes#my art#gerry keay#tma gerry#tma gerard keay#gerry they could never make me hate you#my fav characters say a lot about me#we got the goth#the spiral horror lady that's a what not a who but above all slays#the bad bitch grandma#and the depressed mitski fan (Martin)#bonus points to jon for being the dumbass asexual#they are all just like me fr#the magnus archive fanart#the magnus pod#the magnus archives#tma#tma fanart
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hi.
#i know most of you didn’t even realize i was gone#but man…#my mental health was like in a state of 📉📉📉 in the past 30 days like we love being mentally ill and fucking insane <3#it was mostly bc i panicked and started obsessing over possible water damage in my flat kind of out of nowhere#like it started when my landlord came to check my bathroom bc my downstairs neighbours had water stains on their ceiling back in july#which had been caused by their shower curtain apparently but i was already spiraling when my landlord told me so i was sure it was my fault#i was assuming it was bc of me bc i had sometimes been spilling some of my bathwater and i was like WHAT IF IT HAS GONE THROUGH THE FLOOR?#and it didn't help that it has been hot af and very humid in my apartment LIKE WELL OVER 25 DEGREES AND 60% HUMIDITY#anyways i couldn’t shake this not matter what i tried and my fucking insane brain made me think i was going to get arrested for like#flooding the whole building or for causing some sort of mold infestation#i had SO MANY panic attacks; i wasn't able to sleep; i wasn't able to eat; i was on edge and panicky basically 24/7 so fun fun fun :D#and i kept waking up in the middle of the night and HAD to go check my walls or the space below my kitchen#it was compulsory like i couldn't not get up and go check and tbh i would've thrown out all of my furniture if i could've to check for mold#(and shhhh i know how fucking insane this sounds but having a mentally ill brain that's anxious all the time does suck ass sometimes 🥲)#(the worst thing about it tho was that i was SO AWARE of how insane about this i was being and yet i couldn't stop losing my mind over it)#(also i was so ready to move tf outta here bc i couldn't handle being triggered 24/7 which is why my mom let me stay with her last week )#i was so out of it that i couldn't even let myself do the things i usually enjoy... like at all#like watching my shows or spending any ungodly amount of time on tumblr... or replying to messages i got from people who i love#ig this goes to show HOW bad this actually was for me mentally bc usually tumblr and my shows are like my safe place#anyways we finally had a leak detection dude come over today and we had him check the water levels in my walls#and he said everything is fine and he specifically told me i should stop worrying about any water damage BC THERE IS NO WATER DAMAGE#he also said that the weather has just been insanely humid this year so it's not surprising that the humidity levels are higher than usual#i’m still a bit scared about some possible mold but ig this is good enough for now#i am aware how ridiculous this must sound for anyone who's reading this now but couldn't let it go not even with meds so let me live pls :(#TLDR I WAS GOING THROUGH IT BUT I AM BACK I THINK AND I AM MOST LIKELY GOING TO START BOTHERING YOU WITH MY GIFS AGAIN <3#AND I JUST REALIZED I HAVEN'T EVEN SEEN ANY OF THE HEART KILLERS STUFF YET ASIDE FROM ONE OR TWO PICS LIKE :(#OH AND I NEED TO START WATCHING SUMMER NIGHT ;_;#sabrina talks#@AIRENYAH GIRL I AM SO SORRY I WILL PROBABLY REPLY TO YOUR MESSAGES LATER TODAY OR TOMORROW MORNING ;_;<3
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