#but that doesnt mean that i havent been making anything
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Everything that goes into a pice of lace.
7 months and a 100+ hours of work for one 15x11 cm pice. The finished pice of bobbin lace "Cows in a field"
#So i havent posted anything that i have made in a while#but that doesnt mean that i havent been making anything#infact the opposite#So heres the the 7 month prosses of a bobbin lace picture#its also not done just yet there is a needle lace forest up top that i am working on at the moment#lace making#lace#bobbin lace#lacemaking#lacework#textile art
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I met the me who made different choices
#idk what this means so dont ask#got the words stuck in my head and this is what I wanted to draw for it immediately#me at my desk. so.#I dont look exactly like this obviously. doesnt matter. anyways#hard time recently in a lot of different ways#lots of work to do!#given up on getting everything done I kind of failed at that. it was too much#so now I'm just trying to get anything done that will make the next 6 months not kill me again#ideally. 3 episodes. or the book#or like at least close enough to that that its basically that#I'm feeling really screwed LOL#I dont know how I've been working every day for so long and still havent done enough...#(its because the work load is way too much)#every time I take 1 hour for myself. to cook. or clean. or draw something else. or play a game. I feel so guilty auauau#I hate webtoon I hate this damn green app...#DOESNT MATTER!!!#what DOES matter is my art is good as hell... look at this shit...#the light. the colors. I love you red I love you green#I need to get more red pants I only have the one pair.#I saw this guy with red pants that had skeleton legs on them and I was like FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!!!!!!!!! I need them!!!!#I need to start sewing again. I dont have a sewing machine cause my apartment is too small so I havent sewn in years but I really want to..#I want to make clothes again... I need some vests I need some dresses..#I will not make pants or sleeved shirts because I dont hate myself#sketch#art#vent art I guess LMFAO its not#its just this fun little thing we like to call self expression#also this isnt how my desk setup actually is I scooted things around cause I didnt wanna draw anything twice. fuck it we ball#ok back to work
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One thing I find funny about this poster in Mike's room is not only does it show a dragon either very unnecessarily over exaggerated muscles, suggesting that Mike likes guys (as posters of attractive people in various character's rooms often show sexuality) but the fact that the monster is conjoured by a wizard- Will.
(Although Will is referred to as a cleric most of the time, especially by Mike, he was originally a wizard I'm pretty sure, plus the Stranger Things fandom wiki also calls his DnD a wizard- Will the Wise is a very wizardy name- so I'm going to use this iffy logic for this post lol)
It's almost as if Will is revealing Mike's sexuality to Mike himself . Furthermore, the appearance of the monster in the poster is very demon like- corrating to the themes of the satanic panic in s4, suggesting that Mike sees his sexuality as sinful and 'freak'-like.
I also love how easy it is to apply the blue/yellow colour theory to this poster- the smoke is blue showing how this monster is coming out of Mike and the background behind the wizard is yellow which reminds the audience of Will, but my favourite part is how the monster is green. If we run with the concept that it represents Mike's sexuality, then you could also say how the green represents Mike and Will together- saying that not only is Mike attracted to men but he also likes Will.
#ik that the st set didn’t make this poster#however they probably chose it very carefully#i mean they have the budget to do so#also the whole is will a wizard or cleric thing kind of confuses me bcus i thought he was a wizard in s1 but then mike refers to him as a#cleric in s2 and ive heard people say thats so that el could be a mage so he changed wills class but idk i havent been able to find much#info on it that i understand at 12am ://#sorry if this post is rambly/doesnt make sense it is 12am atm so if theres anything i need to correct please put it in the comments!!!!#byler#stranger things#mike wheeler#will byers#mike wheeler i know what you are
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im actually really worried that im not that interested in &j anymore like ivd been having a hard time writing about it and talking about it online and i mean i talk about it a lot irl but idk like people have been knowing more than me and im starting to feel so incredibly inferior that it's hard for me to enjoy it
#im in this group chaf and im the only one there that doesnt live in new york snf doesnt know any og them irl and theyall know more and see#it a lot and know about the swing order and i dont and ive been feeling so bad about it and it's been so hard for me and then i have friends#that are clearlv better at fandom in general than me so theyre better at characterisation so if i get criticisrd i just feel Terrible and i#havent properly wtitten in ages caude ive been so worried about my characterisation cause a friend very gently criticised me on my character#isation like 2 months ago and i really look up to this person so now i just cant Do anything#and also the thing that they eere pointing out wad more anothrr friend's thing that i didn't even Like much but if someone talks enough i#can be persuaded to anything and also because im just terrified do i#'ll go along with literally anything just because i dont want poeple to hate me#and it's ruining my enjoyment and i mean i made an au and i was hoping that that would make it so that i could maybe write again but nobody#carrd so now i judt cant#i feel so broken right now#also people that were meant to be &j friends are now friend friends and i mean thats Fine#but i cant! handle it!!!#i cant talk about other things unless it's My other things#and i especially cant talk about five nights at freddy's because i used to be hyperfixated on that so now that im.not i just cant! talk abou#t it! or hear about it!!!#not to mention that that game fucking destroyed my life when i was 9 because everyone liked it but i didn't know what it eas anf they wouldn#t explain so now i judt CANT hear about it!!!!!!#i cant do it i cant. do this#i miss when it brought me so much joy but now i hate talking about it online and i cant do it anymore#i can't pretend to care i can't keep being an &j blog even though i do love it!!!! but i feel so insecure and inferior that i just cant!!!!!#i hate this so mcuh im sorry i needrd to get this out#i dont have anything interesting to say anymore and i mean there's also just like. the whole being autistic thing and not wanting peopel to#judge me for my interests which they have my whole life and now it's too much and i cant care this much anymore. i just can't#i dont have anything to contribute either i cant draw and i can't write anymore and i just dont know what to do#sorry
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I am kissing u all on the forehead
#i have an internal desire 2 chat but unfortunately my internal desire 2 not put effort into anything is winning#no chats no vibes i am lying here staring into space#watching something is 2 much work socializing makes me exhausted this has been a rough week#its very easy for me 2 make little jokey jokes but multiple days in a row of missing breaks or taking them late#and being overworked bc my department depends on me has been#its been difficult#and mentally i am just. im so exhausted#also w rooster teeth closing even tho i havent been big in the fandom for a while its just kinda heavy#i also. i am feeling. i dont know if tumblr rp is all that it used to be for me#i adore the muses i adore the writing i adore my partners#theres just. theres something somewhere being a road block i just dont know what#i dont know if its just life being a lot so im struggling to keep up or if it's just like. im outgrowing it or its outgrowing me#i fell in love w rping bc of the community but i fear these days its. it doesnt Feel like a community anymore#some people do and are trying and it means the world but there is an overwhelming loneliness on this site these days#idk if thats just me or what#and i understand the harsh circle of not being here means no attention means not being here#but just. idk. idk what i am trying to say idk what the vibes r this post like my life is a mess w no coherent outcomes
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there is undeniable opportunity to make bellum x linebeck fucked up but i dont have it in me. im a sucker for it just being fine with a side of like. light nautical crimes against nature but i cant make it toxic or w/e after a certain point. theyre chilling
#bellum x linebeck#salty talks#this is a light hearted post btw this is me celebrating enjoying making it soft at the end of the#the fucked up stuff is reserved for whatever happens during possession and also when theyre not romantically involved#ie. a lot of my aus. tbh tho they do also border on romantic? in a ‘canon’ ph or ph adjacent setting theyre just chilling#theres nothing straight up like really toxic with those bc 1 not my thing and 2 woulsnt really add anything imo#like i do think they can just strike up an agreement to not screw with each other and bellum figures he doesnt need to mess with linebeck#its the bonus of bellum can’t verbally communicate without showing that he has a human form#anyways. ive decided i cant actually warch gravity falls until i finish the fic anyways#i need to be able to say i havent seen it while i write this fic. there are too many possible connections i need this#also like. the most impact gravity falls has actually had on my life has been me seeing those twink humanizations of bill years ago#and that therefore being the main fucking reason why ive been fighting tooth and nail to get to the bellum humanization i have now#that fucker has caused me so many problems and i only recently found out what his fucking voice sounds like#anyways surprise surprise the person writing this fic for self indulgent reasons is catering heavily to themselves#tbh in post this fic and post ph (where its less like theyre dating and more like he occasionally makes it a polycule)#all of the bad shit is gotten out of the way before anything actually starts#with the aus where its a little more fucked its more just like. homoerotic. with different relationships around it#THO i do feel like theres somehow a pressure to make it fucked up? cuz its the default yknow. but i dont rlly like that so no#i think its more interesting for the work to be put in for it to be decent. i mean square one is bellum using linebeck as disposable bait
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listening to ants from up there like a normal healthy person that has relationships that they know will thrive and will not be lost and is certain of their future and enjoys whats happening today and what was happening yesterday and last week and last month. and im cool about it
#ants from up there#intro#chaos space marine#concorde#bread song#good will hunting#haldern#mark's theme#the place where he inserted the blade#snow globes#basketball shoes#guys dont listen to this album it makes you cry a lot#and crying is bad (true)#anyways is anyone else thinking about anything#help#help core lolllll#i have no idea whats in store and ive never liked that ever#i need a react image where a person is staring death into the camera especially now#because ive been feeling it so so so much more lately than before and ive felt it so hard since before summer#i really have no idea how much better this is than jobless summer mentally#i mean in a way it has to be better than summer school summer but at least then i had the inbetween week of the two terms#and yes thankfully i have parents who have enough money to spend two weeks of vacation out of the country which is coming up on saturday#and it will be relaxing ignoring the socializing of family i havent seen in 5 years#but so much of the past month has felt like ive only done work#i feel like my mind is consumed by my job and i really dont know if i like this state of being more than my jobless state of being#i also havent had a workless summer since grade 10 and i was still insecure about my friend group so i didnt go to a lot of the hangouts#but in grade 11 and this year i totally couldve gone to more and felt like i made more worthwhile memories#i wanna say more but tumblr doesnt let you do more than 30 tags#long one#goomb thot
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right but like the thing is forgiveness =/= continued association. i can forgive AND 'forget' (not dwell on it) and move on like bye bye ur not for me no more. in fact i think that's almost the only way *to* truly get over someone lol. like u cant flat out leave someone in the dust unless u rly accept what they did, accept their remorse, and put it behind both of u. idk if im in love w the whole attitude of like no some ppl shouldnt be forgiven ever >:C like wat good does it rly do to hold that bitterness within u?
#and that doesnt mean the trust isnt broken or that bad behavior doesnt have consequences it just means#that u rly dont know what the future holds and u cant write off the possibility of someone changing or rebuilding that trust in time#and ultimately i think that showing someone mercy while still acknowledging their wrongs affects more change than like#reinforcing this bizarre ideation that mistakes are permanent and no one can regret what theyve done and grow#idk personally i think.. none of us are perfect? and all of us are hurt.. and hurt others in turn.#+ it's harder for ppl like me who havent been as badly hurt to rly empathize w someone acting selfishly and making big mistakes#bc i cant imagine myself acting in that way and cant rly understand how they can#but i still realize that.. if things had gone differently n i was dealt a worse hand in life.. ofc i would have it in me to do that.#and it's precisely that attitude of bitterness and unforgiveness that CAUSES u to hurt others in reaction so#ur just perpetuating that cycle of hate and evil by not acknowledging both their ability to change and (inherently) ur own#[ok but disclaimer all of this is assuming that they are actually remorseful and regret what they did and acknowledge it and apologize]#[bc forgiveness is only available w apology obviously if they dont think theres anything to forgive u cant forgive them of it]#[and they will never change if they dont think its something that needs to be changed]
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#personal#soo ive discovered a giant hole in my back tooth because medicare doesnt cover dental except for children#and so i havent been since i was 21 and i try to maintain tooth health at home but im not very good at it#due to being raised wrong about it and also autistic and i cant afford even a basic clean and checkup#which is what i was actually looking in my mouth and deciding i need which would be about 300 bucks already#and now im scared to eat anything because i definitely cant afford to make this worse 🙃#genuinely so much bad shit has happened and every time its like. ok ill pick myself up cause no one else will and dust off and things#will be fine in the end they always are and my heart believes this will be fine too but i dont remember the last time i was#this genuinely legitimately scared. im so scared and i dont know what to do#i know the next steps is to call dentists in my area tomorrow and check if they do medicare but i feel i already know the answer#idk if its better to have looked or to not and be able to live my life but its food time and i cant make myself eat#im scared to make it worse im scared of the pain that might cause im scared of the upward 2k damage costs if it gets worse#fuck#fucking fuck#okok panick attack over i have a two step plan: part one call around tomorrow and see if anyone takes medicare#part two: i have pliars and towels and painkillers and a lot of conviction in both my diy skills and my caring for my own wounds skills#in the mean time just be more dilligent to brush immediately after eating and ill grab mouthwash too as soon as i can as im currently out#i have a family friend whos a vet maybe theyve ripped out a rotted dogs tooth or two before and could help. but ill cross that bridge#when i get to it fir neow i should check with real dentists before making assumptions. and eat because ive been crying and shaking#and was already hungry and now am exhausted. from the aforementioned shaking and crying and need to eat even more#in all cases. dentist on medicare being the best obviously but in all cases im gonna ask to keep my tooth. unless i do it i dont need to ask#but i forgot when i had my wisdoms out a a few years ago. holy fuck that was like a decade ago actually wtf#ima make a necklace out of it since its just the one and not a pair#and just like that things will be fine. as expected as they always are once the panick mode is done im ok i have a plan and im good
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its called development hell for a reason
#my art lol#shitpost#comic#my ocs#do i really gotta tag all of them??? ugghh ok fine#aurelio#lucian#spencer#moira#legato#river#merth#dove and the other one arent getting tagged mostly b/c the other one doesnt have a [last] name yet even. fuckers#surprise. oc post. nobody [w/ exceptions] is gonna have like any idea wtf this means but that makes it funnier to me#NO THO DEADASS realizing some of these have technically been in devhell for. basically 6-7 years now. sheeesh. rip guys LMFAO#and theyre gonna stay in there for longer until i actually get shit together 😭 LMAO. chamomile's not even here b/c of that lmao#yknow what drawing smthn shitty and incomprehensible was kind of healing. i havent done ms paint shitposting in so long#not gonna say anything else. giggling to myself w/ my shitty sense of humor
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#been sitting in my car for 30 min after clocking out then just making up errands to have an excuse to do smth#so i dont have to go home &be alone until i have smth to do again (go to work the next morning) :(((((#hate how u can go a whole day w out seeing someone &think ok maybe i can get a good nights sleep but then they show up#10 min before u leave for the day &then ur night is ruined bc u have trouble falling asleep#then have stress dreams when u do finally fall asleep#😞😞#ik its bc i havent confronted anything but i dont see myself ever doing it or rather initiating the confrontation bc idt it's my place#like what right do i have to disrupt what someone else has going to bring myself some ease#idk this probably doesnt make any sense i just need to vent bc i have cried in my car everyday after work for a month 😭#im ok ive just landed myself in a particularly shitty situation but only for me#everyone else is fine 🫠#&im a chronic overthinker so i have all these thoughts just swirling around &festering#im driving myself insane &then whenever im around.....the other ppl in this situation.....theres never a chance to let any of it out#im gonna explode at some point i know it &i dont want that to happen bc i dont want to be mean :(( but i also dont want to grow to resent#anyone bc this shit hasnt been properly dealt with :(((((#ugh .#changing of the weather isnt helping i feel like im 16 again in my dark bedroom driving myself insane 😭😭
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Coming out of my jjk hole to remind mappa i carry a big hammer and i NEVER FORGET
#congrats to them for successfully completely pissing off 2/3s of our gc with their modeling#do you think this pfp means nothing… DO YOU!!! i didnt spend hours staring at ch.137 panels for… that#what on earth#WHAT ON EARTH !#i literally pulled up the ep to watch the full scene bc i was like surely not that bad#ITS WORSE#onviously most animes end up worse than their mangas to me#since there are some things that are truly just best expressed through comic form#and when youre attempting to convey smth through one medium#trying to then reconvey that in another while maintaining your orginal concept#onviously means that it doesnt always work out whatever whatever we know this#mappa. changed a bunch. ONLY TO MAKENIT WORSE#EITHER MAINTAIN LOYALTY AND BE WORSE. OR CHANGE AND MAKE IT BETTER#WHY CHANGE AND MAKE IT WORSE#PICK A CRIME !!! I HATE YOU!!!#i havent caref abt jjk in so long bc i quite genuinely believe gege cant long game to save his life#which he only continues to repeatedly prove so i stopped giving him the chance to#but geges art style and small scene comp always came through and mappa TAKES THAT FROM YOUUUUUUU#anyways its been a while since i cared so deeply ant smth that genuinely doesnt matter but ANYTHING FOR MY BOY#yes this in part still my pfp bc im too lazy to change it but ALSO ANYTHING FOR YUUTA#anyways whoever does mappa modeling for jjk im putting a scorpion in your shoes godbless#v.txt
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WHY AM I FEELING SELF CONSCIOUS AND BAD ABOUT POSTING SILLY ART WTF IS WRONG WITH ME
#PEOPLE LIKE THE DRAWINGS WHY CANT I JUST#ILL DO IT TOMORROW IG#ohhhhh but it doesnt mean anything its disrespecting canon by being too cute it makes no sense ohhh youre a bad fan and a bad artist QUIET#before that gift art i did i havent posted ship art in a month#and i havent even posted a saiibomatsu in 2 months#ggghfhfhfgdhgggggggggggg brain is so mean to me#ive been so stressed about art recently not like making it but just#stressed about the quantity i make and whether im posting enough of the right things#feeling so behind on all my ideas but always too tired to draw as much as i want#i just set impossible standards for myself for NO reason even though this is literally just a hobby i do for fun
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How do I explain that my girlfriend not wanting to have sex with me literally makes me feel awful. Like I love her but we haven't fucked in MONTHS and I legitimately want to kms, touching myself does nothing, it's about being physically intimate with another person, and if I don't have sex I get soooooo irritable and sad and I know if we fucked literally ONCE it would fix me, because it literally does every single time
#if somebody doesnt rail my brains out im gonna fucking die#like actually genuinely i get so freaked out because i immediately spiral about#the fact that literally i cant do ANYTHING to make her interested in me so therefore im ugly and unattractibe#but also that the fact i wanna have sex means im disgusting and should be ashamed of myself#like literally literally the other day she asked why i had been self harming again and i was SO close#so close to telling the truth and saying it is cause we havent had sex and i needed to relieve stress#wish i could be normal and just like... cheat or something but i dont work like that
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#ok so like this is fine bc im not in a horrible mood rn. this is more i feel like complaining bc what im doing is kinda ridiculous#but my memory is so bad that ill probably forget if i dont write it out. but basically 4 days a week i have to come in starting at 7.30 to#water and prep for measurements. then from 9am to 6.15pm i have to nonstop take the measurements. and theyre timed so that means#i get abt 4 min to do anything before i have to take another measurement. which is abt enough time to start to focus and then have to stop#which is very fucking frustrating. and i have to manage data. coordinate for this fucking paper. and keep track of like 10 other things for#work stuff. which means that it takes me like and hour to send easy emails and they come out all fucked uo bc my brain is so shot#but on top of that i also have to fucking do the steps to get set up for my new school in the fall. and like ive officially accepted the#offer but havent talked to my new advisor since then so now theres this weird gap where im like. uh fuck do i ask for wtf im supposed to#do? bc ive been able to do things for like 2 or 3 weeks but then my life started collapsing in around me. and like there r probably#instructions somewhere but i cant fucking read lol. whatever. hes nice i just need to find the energy and words to email him and b like lol#srry everythings been insane. but bc ive waited so long i have to compulsively keep going back to check that ive been accepted like somehow#that would change while im not looking. ugh. and ive also fucked myself over housing wise bc theres a housing shortage in the city and huge#demand of housing on camus so theres a wait list for everything but i cant fucking apply bc i cant get my id to work. and fucking idk who#to call or email abt that. but idk i might have to have roomates for a semester. or my parents offered to give me some extra money for an#apartment until i can get one that doesnt put me in the red on a grad student budget. ugh. i dont wanna do either of those things#but christ do i not want roommates. ill figure something out. its just annoying and difficult from so far away#and it makes me kinda sad bc ppl r like: r u excited?! and im like. i cant really think abt that. partly bc im constanly putting out fires#in the present so theres not really space for it. partly bc i dont allow myself to b excited abt things so as not to get my hopes up.#but just after i accepted i was excited. and now it feels like im reaching my hand out toward a floating light just out of reach. like#its a nice idea but i wont believe until it happens. but that just bc ive become distorted about things#and i dont even get a weekend bc the 4 days of measurement r friday to Monday and i cant fucking relax on weekdays bc ppl r like hey can u#do this??? and there r things i can only do on weekdays so its like ok i guess ill just suffer forever thrn. and my boss texts me like: hey#did u do X? and am like: uuuuuh i fucking dont kno what day it is anymore. i dont understand y we have to meet. lets just not talk bc im#afraid ill say something worrying. so yea its pretty fucked up rn. but this stuff ends on the 24th#then ill probably not take a break and fucking finish the measurements for another project bc i just really need it to b done. i need it#all to b done so i can fucking wash my hands of this and fucking quit and move away at the start of july... or August if i decide i hate#myself that much. ugh. at least the lab has been pretty empty so no ones seen me crying lol#also thr fucking rutgers guy emailed me yesterday like: hey u want this position? and im like bitch u r like a month too late also im in#my cringe fail era. i would not survive at ur school. ugh everything is terrible. 2 or 3 more months then i csn leave this place forever#unrelated
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i dont get it when people are like "i've separated this character so much ive forgotten what canon is" like. if i have a point to make i need to re-go through EVERYTHING bc god forbid i overlooked a tiny detail that disproves everything. or like. what if in the time i wasnt actively paying attention to it theres been a major update that rewrote a significant part of the story and what i read and what other read is now fundamentally different. what if i somehow managed to read something completely different, clicked a wrong link or didn't notice a different window pop up, and im not actually talking about what i think im talking about. & even when i have my 75 sources & time stamps & links im STILL like "but i might be wrong"
#i havent shuuen posted in forever bc i havent touched the source material in a while & im too busy with aru sekai to reinvest myself#also when i say 'a while' like in general i mean a week#after a week im like. no. its been too long. i dont remember anything right. i need to go over it again before i make a point#even tho looking over it again usually doesnt reveal anything new#unless theres also new context#this isnt fandom exclusive either ill do this for anything really but
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