#THO i do feel like theres somehow a pressure to make it fucked up? cuz its the default yknow. but i dont rlly like that so no

[waywardsalt]

there is undeniable opportunity to make bellum x linebeck fucked up but i dont have it in me. im a sucker for it just being fine with a side of like. light nautical crimes against nature but i cant make it toxic or w/e after a certain point. theyre chilling

[raisinchallah]

embarrassing little rant but ugh i got it into my head maybe i should apply for the jury judged artist alley for my local anime con lol cuz i draw a lot of fan art and u know it could be a good way to test out selling art yadda yadda and because its juried like its a safety net that i will only get selected if they think i can sell anything i wont just lose a ton of money on a guess and like because real people will be judging my portfolio its like a nice measure of my skill i guess like see where im at also like even tho its scheduled for november who knows how fast vaccine roll outs all that stuff may be but also theres like solid 50/50 chance the con doesnt even happen so it might be less anxiety inducing if theres the chance it doesnt even happen give me another way out and like applications are probably gonna open sometime in march and so i have a full month to prepare a portfolio i only need 10 images i will also probably show my patterns cuz they also really wanna see some original art but like ideally id love to draw a few more things i feel more proud of and i think are maybe closer to the level of a few recent things ive drawn that i really like but somehow i just cannot seem to get myself to draw i feel like ive hit this awful roadblock and a deadline of like over a month is somehow too close and too much pressure like its not mostly the concept of a metaphysical deadline ive been having severe art block before this and i feel like my entire drawing process is so like slow and insane it used to be like oh once i do a sketch i can clean it up and add detail no problem but even getting over the hurdle of making a sketch i like is too difficult and then even after ive taken 3 days to make a sketch its like oh im looking at a mess of lines what the fuck do i do now and its like now the only point where im actually enjoying and having an easy time with the entire process is like drawing complicated details after everything else is set in stone i find it very fun and soothing but god getting to that point impossible and idk its just like driving me crazy cuz in some ways i wish i could invest in art improvement and idk pursue it as a job cuz god knows i have no other skills but its like holy shit i am somehow just getting worse at drawing like my end products are improving but everything it takes to get there has become a nightmare... i mean its also just concerning for my regular life prospects like i truly have no skills or the constitution to do most jobs or attend school lol ah whatever this is just making me crazy id hoped a bit that having a goal a reason for drawing could help but lol it sure didnt anywayz if ur read this far thank u for bearing with my whining

[flowery-fa]

DIFFERENT NIGHT NEW PEOPLE AND NEW EXPERIENCES

so against all the odds i had my first smoke today (tabacco cuz we're basic) and i didn't cough (i was born for this KIdding ), so yeah all those stories that i read where bitchs were coughing so bad yeah well that didn't happen to mee (don't be proud of this kids) .

this rlly cool guy (he was super sweet) ask me if i want it, i said i have never smoked before (obviously) and he asked me if i want it to try, i said that if he had i was willing to try (note: i was supposed to be with my friends but we kinda got separated on the queue so i was with a bunch of their friends (THAT I DIDN'T KNOW) so i was kinda of scared of trying something so different without them but them i said FUCK THIS, when i'll have another chance?¿)

okay so back at where i was::: a friend of his gave him a cigarette and he was like grEAT, so he told me what to do ,which ain't gonna lie is not hard to understand but kinda difficult to copy for the first time, i got it a few times and he actually cheered on me when i did it right( (he had to explain and show me a couple of times tho))

he was nice then he said he would do one himself (have no idea how to say that in english(so just searched but iam gonna let it in pt juts cuz)) but he "bolou um" and gave me to try again so that was cool.

there were another people tho, this guy (who's also rlly nice) was alredy drunk when i got there but he was a happy drunk so thats great, and he asked my name a few times cuz he just couldn't remember, and also offered me alcohol more times than i can count, but no in a annoying way (again he was cool and rlly nice, he look very kind)

oh about the cigarettes itself:: its rlly fucking weird, the first time i inhale i felt my troat burning (but its mild) and its rlly crazy how i felt like my pressure was lowering and my head felt fuzzy, and i kinda felt more loose (and thats fucking cool cuz i was kinda able to behave like the social being i am supposed to be) but for me at least the effect was gone in a few minutes, the taste is bad tho, and the healthy issues that come along are shitty too, so don't do it if possible

there where these two girls too, who were also pretty cool, one of them talk to me the most (not much just for the record) but she was rlly kind and cute, she even """drag"" me to dance with her, but i lost her a few seconds later but the music was nice so i stayed

what else..... so this hang out was actually for a birthday of a friend of a friend, that i didn't rlly know,,, but kinda know, cuz we used to see each other cuz of our parents, i thought a lot before bring it up, cuz there was family evolved and family is complicated, but i asked him like: "do you remember me?" and he was like "yeah, from xidu's birthday right" and then i said "no, before that" and he was a bit confused but then seemed to recognize me somehow, he said that he basically erased everything from before he got into college (family related) and then i said "don't worry, thats super understandable, sorry for bring it up" "no, its fine" and then i said some information about his family that i know and then his mind was blowing (he was alredy kinda drunk), and then he totally believed me, and we started talking about that for a little bit

rlly important thing i wanna cleared up:: i am rlly socially akward and literally cannot look people in the eyes, and even if i try be the one to start a conversation is just super akward and weird and i can't keep going on for long (which SUCKS REAL BAD, cuz i want to meet new people and talk to them and make new friends.... wtv)

ow one more important point to add: the same guy who taught me to smoke ask me for a kiss later on, and for me thats just really cool cuz no one has ever got to me and asked me that so yeah i like it and it made me feel rlly good about myself, but i said no (he had just kissed my friend before asking me so theres that, but its no like i couldn't becuz my friend actually have a boyfriend and this was just hooking up, but oh well i guess it was still weird) he was super chill about it and said it was okay

(he ask me if i was okay a few times which i totally was, but if i couldn't look at people's eyes before now i couldn't look at his face (which is fucking stupid but oh well ...) )

i had to get out of there rlly early tho, like midnight, cuz i was responsible for picking up my parents after their shows over (so fucking early) , and i was at the table with only my friends gf, so i wasn't able to say goodbye to anyone which sucksssss but oh weell

me and my (a bit drunk) parents we're fucking hungry so we did go to a drivetru eat some hamburgers and fries

and thats how i ended my night, i hope i see those guys again, they're rlly cool and nice and kind and sweet so yeah, its rly difficult to find a group of people where everyone is rlly cool

(i did feel like a rebel teenager so it was nice live this even if it was just for 3 hours max)

thanks for coming to my tedtalk

(my first language is pt so just be aware: i barely write right in my mother language, don't expect a lot with my english ty )