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Early Morning Feels

This morning I woke up and felt as if I was still floating through a dream. My apartment smelled of tobacco smoke, shower steam and brewed coffee. Outside of my bedroom door a warm yellow light softly said good morning and held my sleepy eyes open long enough for me to roll out of bed.

For some reason I expected to hear my mom in our old kitchen, shuffling over the peeling linoleum, making…

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The End: Volume 22

The End: Volume 22

The deadbolt in the center of the french doors was a little off putting, as I reached for the right side handle. Through the glass I could see one elderly woman sitting in a chair, reading a magazine, waiting.

There were fake flowers placed intentionally throughout the room. A bowl of snacks. A picture of a waterfall hanging on the wall. Three white noise machines, plugged in around the edges of…

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Catching up

I haven’t posted in a while. It’s been six months and I have started so many projects that I could not bring myself to publish. I’ve said over and over that maybe I’m just no good, maybe there’s nothing left for me to say, maybe I’m just not meant to be a writer. But here I am, all these months later, watching One Tree Hill at 4 a.m. and putting myself out here again.

My world is starting to…

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ˈkɑzməs

I never dreamed about finding my partner in this world,

about being afraid every day that something could happen,

that I could love someone so much that I would be afraid to lose them forever.

  We live through so many moments in our lives that aren’t significant.

We receive things that we don’t ask for,

we don’t appreciate chances we are given,

and we don’t recognize blessings when they are…

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love, bud.

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/'eɪtθ/ /'greɪd/

Trigger warning: Mentions self-harm. Nothing crazy, just lookin out.

When I was in eighth grade, I was living in a time warp. I just didn’t know. My family lived in a camper in my grandma’s yard. We took showers in her house and we went inside at night to watch T.V. and play with our cousin before we went back to the camper to sleep. It was fall, and it was cold at night. We had several dogs who slept in that camper with us but somehow it never seemed to be warm…

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/'eɪtθ/ /'greɪd/

Trigger warning: Mentions self-harm. Nothing crazy, just lookin out.

When I was in eighth grade, I was living in a time warp. I just didn’t know. My family lived in a camper in my grandma’s yard. We took showers in her house and we went inside at night to watch T.V. and play with our cousin before we went back to the camper to sleep. It was fall, and it was cold at night. We had several dogs who slept in that camper with us but somehow it never seemed to be warm…

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/(h)wer/

I think that if our hearts get tangled up too many times, the tension starts to rip them into bits. Like a roast wrapped in twine, they struggle and swell, but ultimately turn grey and crumble.

You don’t see it coming most of the time. It happens quietly and goes unnoticed until an an average Monday comes and you’re sitting at your desk and you suddenly can’t breathe. 

It’s hard to know if…

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The Failure Chronicles: Part IX

The Failure Chronicles: Part IX

Hi Buddies!

It’s been a while, I know. I’m sorry about that but I’ve been quite busy. I’ve been out here in the world, doing my stuff. Getting a lot of fresh night air. Drinking a lot of water. Eating a lot of pastries. Doing a lot of laundry. You know.

I’ve been adulting for the last two weeks and it has been truly exhausting. Kudos to all of you working bloggers out there for keeping up with…

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Failure Chronicles: part VIII

Failure Chronicles: part VIII

">Click here for a little ghost bop

I made a vision board yesterday. I’m in the process of watching One Tree Hill for the third time. I’m on a smoothie kick. I found this weird lump on my hand the other day, right next to my knuckle. I bet it’s rheumatoid arthritis. Things are very confusing in my life right now.

Do you ever stop taking a medication that you’re supposed to take every day, just…

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Hi buddies! The website has some new updates like a home page, new features photos and more! Stop by and get a feel for our changes, we hope you like them! #selfmadeblog #linkinbio #followme #followmyblog #freshlook #yo #newhomepage #newlook https://www.instagram.com/p/BpU-uRbg14X/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=iyeygsk6x88l

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/ˈhevē/

sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night gasping for air.

It’s like I stop breathing and I can’t start again.

It feels like thirteen, when I would cry myself to sleep.

I was filled to the brim with secrets and my lungs were getting squished.

  Sometimes I dream about lying to my mom.

It looks like thirteen again, when she’d ask what was going on.

I’d say “nothing,” in passing, and self…

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Failure Chronicles: Part VII

Failure Chronicles: Part VII

Hey there, buddy. It’s Thursday! The week is almost over, how are you feeling?

I’m pretty tired, myself. I just got home after spending the last five-ish days in Cortland. I had an appointment in Syracuse Monday, so I thought I would take the week and hang out with my friends or something. And I did hang out with them, but I also turned into a total vagabond.

Sunday night I used my last $14 to…

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Hey buddies!

I know I’ve been quiet on the site this week but that is because I have picked up a new hobby that I do for money. It’s actually not a hobby. I’m driving for Lyft. That is because I am now at one month and ten days without having a job, and I officially have no money and my credit card is almost maxed out (LOL).

So, in essence, I have been driving around with a Lyft sticker on the back windshield of my car, picking people up and putting them down. It’s not so bad really, if you’re into sitting in parking lots doing nothing until someone decides they need a ride to Wal-Mart. Or if you love driving around crowded city streets wasting gas. I think the wasting gas is my favorite part to be honest. I’m kidding. But you knew that.

The thing about being a Lyft driver is that I’m not very good at it. I mean, I think I just don’t know my area well enough. Also I suck at following google map directions. I went to pick someone up the other day and I had to turn around because as usual, they were calling from the area that I had just left. Google maps had me turn left down a sketch-as-heck one way street and when I reached the end, it had me turn left again. There was no traffic so I made the left turn and started to drive, when someone came into my lane and was driving directly toward me. I thought perhaps they were passing the person next to them, but I realized I was wrong when they started flashing their lights. I was actually the one driving the wrong way down a two-lane, one-way street. Amazing. I had nowhere to go so I just drove over into the median to avoid the oncoming traffic and that median was raised, hadn’t been mowed in forever and was narrow as heck. I got lucky that there was no traffic coming on the correct side of the road either, and I was able to just drive away into high noon without anyone noticing that I had no idea where I was or what I was doing.  I guess that when I signed up to be a Lyft driver I thought that there would be nothing to it. I was right. I just wish I could understand directions.

Speaking of understanding directions. If you’ve been keeping up with the posts over the last few weeks, then you’d know that not too long ago, I got plastered at a Pampered Chef party and bought a water bottle and I was hype about it at the time. Well. I didn’t have a job back then but Josh promised me that if I made it through the party that I could purchase an item up to $50 (even though I don’t have a kitchen) and I bought a water bottle because there is no reason why I would buy a kitchen tool for my future home when I could  buy yet another water bottle that I am never going to use and will ultimately throw in the trash?

It does have some like-able traits. It has numbered lines on the sides for measurement, like ounces on one side and mL on the other. Cool so people in the US and other countries can know how much water they’re  drinking. Props, pampered chef. It also has one of those straws that are super hard to clean and a french-press-esque plunger. It’s supposed to be for fruit infusions but with a little mesh it could be a cold brew french press water bottle.

Lately I’ve been borrowing a lot of money from Josh to pay my car bills and stuff and I have been feeling absolutely crushing guilt to the point where I can’t sleep at night and when I do sleep i literally have nightmares about him like talking cheese about me to my friends and it is driving me nuts.  Last night I was up at 3 a.m. listening to that new Marshmello/Bastille song and just crying over the music video over and over again.

I literally got a job and it doesn’t start until the 29th and it pays bi-weekly so even though I will be making the money very soon, it’s just not going to be soon enough.

And so, in light of that, I have been guilt-baking. I baked about four dozen cookies today and I made soup in the crock pot and I cleaned all day and I just feel so sweaty and agitated and I want to die LOL. Especially since I made some oatmeal cookies today and the batter just didn’t look right but I baked it anyway and instead of 12 cookies, a sheet of flat liquid came out so I formed it into a big ball and it made a scary and giant cookie ball but it tastes good and smells good. Here’s some pics:

  Okay so you guys can click here if you wanna cry about the music video but if you don’t want to cry, you should still click and just listen with your eyes closed because the song is actually a total bop, aside from the fact that Miranda Cosgrove is all I can think about now when I hear it.

As usual, thank you for reading tonight. Can’t wait to see you guys next week.

Love you, buds.

The Failure Chronicles: Part VI Hey buddies! I know I've been quiet on the site this week but that is because I have picked up a new hobby that I do for money.

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Things I learned, living in the city

Things I learned, living in the city

You know, I recently signed up to be a driver for Lyft. Today was my first day actually driving, even though I signed up days ago. Today I went out to go get a coffee from Dunkin’ when my phone started chiming. I didn’t know what the sound was so I panicked and tapped the screen, which ended up actually being me accepting my first passenger. But this isn’t about how my day went today, it’s about…

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The Failure Chronicles: Part V

The Failure Chronicles: Part V

Hi buddies!

This week has been so much, and I have been chomping at the bit to tell you all about it. This day marks about a month since I have had a job, and let me tell you, these last seven days have dragged on and on.

I started the beginning of my week out like any woman would–at Target. I wanted to check out their $1 Halloween section, since I’ve been balling on a budget. And by that I mean,…