#but sometimes i find myself wanting to get back at people

[megamindsecretlair]

hey i just need something real nasty between husband and wife with mr.aaron (i say it key and peele😂😂) with some angst before the actual plot🤭

A/N: Ask and ye shall receive, beautiful.

Made You Fall For Me

Pairing: Husband!Terry Richmond x Wife!Black!Fem!/ Plus Size reader

Warnings: 18+, Minors DNI, You are in charge of your own reading experience. Intentional use of AAVE. SMUT. Cursing, teasing (fem and male receiving), PIV, oral (female receiving), Reader is able to be picked up, use of pet names, angst. Mentions of death of a loved one, trauma. All consensual. Sorry if I missed some.

Summary: It had been two weeks since the anniversary of Mike’s death and Terry still beat himself up over it. Tired of Terry not letting you in, you join him in the shower and show him that he has a life to lead right here and now with you. Story by @uniqueoutlierblog

Word Count: 5,371k

AO3 Link

A/N: Thank you so much for dealing with my hiatus. I'm stronger mentally than I have ever been. Definitely worked on myself and stopped being so hard on myself. The kind asks really helped me find my way back, so have this smutty fic as a giant thank you! Thank you so much for all your continued support! Toss a coin to your blogger by leaving a comment, gif, or unhinged ask.

Terry sighed as he entered the bedroom. You looked up from your phone to watch your husband. 

His tall frame moved fluidly around the space, taking off of his pants and his shirt. It was soaked through having just finished at the gym. He sat on the edge of the bed to fling off his socks and toss it in the knit hamper. 

“Hey babe,” you said. 

“Hey baby,” Terry sighed.

You stared at the back of his head as his shoulders drooped the longer he sat on the bed. He looked so…dejected. Like someone sucked the air from his tires. You leaned up and let your powder blue throw blanket fall from your shoulders.

This was the second week in a row that your husband was still in this funk. Two weeks since the anniversary of Mike’s death where it seemed like Terry relived it all over again. It started with a dream, the very moment he ran into the hospital carrying Summer. Hopped up on adrenaline, a bullet in his shoulder, and him looking for the next threat. 

Then he would slowly withdraw mentally, checking out of conversations. Floating through the motions of going to work and getting back home. You were worried that he would get into an accident but he was able to operate on auto-pilot, navigating the world just as he normally would. 

It was both sad and amazing that he was able to do so. But this wasn’t your husband. This was a guilt ridden man who sometimes realized that he had no family. You were his family, of course, but he had no living blood relative alive. Mike was his one and only connection and that was severed by hate and pride. 

“Baby, will you please talk to me?” You asked. You fiddled with the edge of your phone. He wasn’t facing you, but you were still nervous to look at his face. You didn’t know which would be worse. Hearing you and choosing not to speak or not hearing you at all because he was lost somewhere you couldn’t reach?  

“I-I’m trying,” he said. He tilted his head to the side. You longed to comfort him, hold him, console him in some way. But every time you reached out, he would stare at you as if he couldn’t feel it. Couldn’t feel you. 

You didn’t know how to help him through this. You’ve lost people, sure, but you always had enough family and friends to fall back on. You didn’t know what it was like for him and he was too stubborn to let you take some of his pain. 

You moved forward and crawled on the bed towards him. He stiffened as you got closer and you wrapped your arms around him anyway. You held on and placed your hand over his heart. It beat rapidly beneath your fingers and you inwardly sighed in relief. He was still in there. His heart still beat.

“You have to stop beating yourself up about this. He wouldn’t want you to blame yourself forever,” you said. You kissed his back and rested your cheek on his skin. He was always so warm, like your own personal fire pit. But due to the sweat, he was cold and clammy. 

“I was supposed to protect him. That was my one and only job,” Terry said. 

“You were supposed to love him. But what happened was out of your control,” you said. 

Terry sighed and stood up, breaking your embrace. He hung his head as he walked to the bathroom. The door closed decisively and you flinched from the harsh sound. The light turned on underneath the doorway. The shower turned on and you didn’t hear anything further. 

Some days you wanted to knock your husband’s teeth in. His overprotective instincts went into hyperdrive, past the point of what was healthy. He refused to think of himself and the consequence be damned. Other times, you just wanted to wrap him in a floofy blanket and never let him out of your sight. You couldn’t very well fault him for wanting to keep you safe when you were the exact same way. 

But this…it varied on when he’d be able to pull himself out of this. Sometimes you’d say or do something to bring him back. Sometimes he’d take a deep breath and release that dark cloud. And sometimes, he’d disappear for a whole day and return back to the sweet, loving man you married. 

But fuck this. You missed your husband. And you were tired of seeing him walk around like a zombie. You got out of bed and headed straight to the bathroom.

Steam rushed out and passed over your exposed skin. You closed the door behind you and noted the discarded underwear on the floor and a red towel on the edge of the sink. Terry’s silhouette moved just behind the foggy glass doors. 

You quickly stripped, flinging your lavender sleep set to the ground with his briefs. You stuffed your bonnet beneath a shower cap and slid the glass doors back. Terry looked over his shoulder at you and you entered the spacious shower behind him. 

The custom shower with tiles painted in different shades of brown was roomy enough for about three people comfortably if they were all intimate. Water cascaded down from a waterfall shower head, pouring down over Terry’s strong body. Water dripped from the edge of his wide nose, his full lips, and his well-defined chest. You followed the trail of water down his belly and over his long, thick dick. Water fell down in his long legs and huge feet. 

“What are you doing?” He asked.

“I’m taking a shower,” you said. You shoved past him and grabbed your wash cloth, pulling it under the spray of water to get it wet. 

Terry huffed. “Had to be now?” He asked.

“Yup,” you said, popping the ‘P’. Instead of grabbing your favorite soap, you grabbed his and lathered up the wash cloth. 

“C’mon,” Terry said. He tugged on your arm for you to turn around. 

You did so and slapped the wash cloth against his chest. “I miss you,” you said, cutting off whatever he was about to say. He closed his mouth and grimaced, jaw flexing. 

You flattened both of your hands against his chest and stepped closer. Water hit your back at a lukewarm temperature. You had no clue how he could shower like this but that wasn’t the point. “I miss my husband and I need you to come back, right now,” you said. 

Terry closed his eyes and his long eyelashes fanned across his cheeks. His mouth worked like he wanted to say something but the words never came. Whatever he wanted to say lodged in his throat and he couldn’t choke it out.

“So after this shower, you better step out of it and remember that you did everything right for Mike. And he made his own choices. That’s not your fault. It has never been your fault. And it’s time you accept that,” you said. 

You moved the wash cloth over his skin, scrubbing him down. Soap transferred to his body in thick suds, falling down his skin. He watched you and shut his mouth as you scrubbed him all over his chest and moved on to his arms. 

His eyes never left yours as you massaged the cloth between his fingers. He sighed and hummed as you found tense spots. You rubbed him deeper in those areas, working out the tension. 

You maneuvered behind him so he could rinse and then washed his back, creating big circles of soap. You moved down to his ass, teasing him a bit. He grunted and then chuckled. Well, that was a good sign. If he was chuckling then at least he was starting to relax. 

You washed down his legs, tickling him in areas. He danced out of your way and you warned him to be careful in this slippery ass shower.

“If you die, I’ll bring you back and kill you again,” you warned.

“Yes, ma’am,” he said and smirked. 

You worked your way back to his front. His dick twitched and bobbed in your face. You looked up at him and his head was tilted to the side as he looked down at you. Fuck, he was pretty like this. Above you, staring at you, and in all his naked glory.

He needed to walk around like this more often. For your eyes only. That beautiful male body needed to be on display 24/7. 

You looked at his dick and then slowly dragged your eyes up his body and back to his striking ocean eyes. He took in a deep breath as his mouth curved upward. The rise and fall of his chest had an answering throb in your clit. You dropped to your knees on the hard flooring but it barely registered in your mind. 

Your husband worked his way back to you in the best way you both knew how. Sex was everything to the both of you. The one way you knew you were on solid ground. From the moment you two met, it had been electric and consuming. Always finding ways to touch each other or be near each other and breathe each other’s air. 

You dragged the wash cloth over his dick. At the first press of your hand, he hissed and jerked his hips towards you. You steadied your left hand on his hip and then stroked him with your right. 

He lifted his head towards the showerhead and let the water run down his face. Since he leaned back, water fell on top of your head and face but you kept looking towards him and the look on his face. 

He was hands down the most beautiful man you had ever met. And the kindest. He wasn’t always nice. He had more than enough words to say about folks that crossed him. But he was always kind, always treated people with respect. And he was a gentleman on top of it. Always opened your doors, always stood on the side of the street closest to danger. Every day, you found new ways to fall in love with your man. You only wished he’d forgive himself. 

“I love you. And I miss you. I need you to come back,” you told him. You increased the pressure, giving him long, slow strokes. All the way down to his base, squeezed, and then worked your way back to his tip. 

He groaned and rolled his neck, moving his hips. Your pussy throbbed seeing cum leak from his tip. He leaned one hand on the side of the shower, fingers pushing into the grooves. 

“Fuck,” he muttered. “I’m sorry.” 

“You have to let me in when things get dark, Terry. I don’t like feeling like I’m on the outside,” you told him.

Terry nodded his head and his eyes turned darker. But he didn’t look so far away now. His eyes were clearer, more present. “I hate feeling like I failed,” he said. His jaw flexed and you matched him stare for stare. 

“You did everything you possibly could. You deserve a life too. Not to punish yourself for the life Mike doesn’t have,” you said. You paused stroking and let the sound of the shower fill the room. 

Steam rose to the ceiling in wispy clouds. Soap and water rushed down Terry’s body. His chest rose and fell in heaving sighs but then evened out. Once his breathing returned to normal, you began stroking him again.

He groaned and dropped his head as you increased your strokes. You watched his face and watched the emotions play across his features. His lush lips parted and he moaned, deeply and guttural. “I’m gonna bust,” he moaned.

“Give it to me,” you whispered, just loud enough to be heard above the spray of water. You kept your same pace and three strokes later, Terry’s dick throbbed and his cum splashed onto your neck and titties. 

Terry’s moans were sweet music to your ears. You grinned evilly and kept stroking. He jerked and stuttered with chuckles and reached out to still your hands. He huffed and chuckled, giving you a saucy wink. 

He pulled you up by your arms and crushed his lips to yours as soon as you were within reach. He grabbed the cloth from your hands and hung it on the lip of the shower door. He cupped your neck in both hands and angled your face to meet his rough kisses. You moaned into his mouth. You missed this. You missed him. So damn badly.

The ache in your chest finally lifted now that your man was back. He healed and soothed with every kiss, every swipe of his tongue, every caress of his thumb on your wet skin. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” he harshly whispered between kisses. 

“It’s okay,” you whispered back.

Terry pulled back and looked into your eyes. He narrowed his and pressed a soft kiss to your lips. “I will call and get help later today. There’s no excuse for how I’ve been acting. You deserve better from me,” he said.

You tilted your head and kissed his wrist. “I do. But I also know we’re in this for life. So I need you to let me in more,” you said.

Terry nodded. “I promise. Thank you, for sticking with me through this shit,” he said.

“That’s what wives are for,” you said with a giggle. 

Terry took a deep breath and then a mischievous gleam made his hazel eyes twinkle. A smirk curved his lips and he began to massage your neck. You hummed and your eyes drooped. “Husbands are for protecting you and taking care of you, right?” He asked.

“Yes,” you said slowly, eyeing him. He was up to something…

Terry flipped you around and pressed your chest against the glass shower doors. You cried out from the sudden cold on your nipples as he pushed until your titties flattened against the doors. He kicked your legs wider to spread for him and your body shivered from his casual roughness. 

“T-Terry,” you sighed. 

Terry locked your arms behind you, hooking his arm around your elbows so that you were unable to move. Terry licked the shell of your ear and you shuddered. He slipped his free hand around your throat to pull your neck back and rest your head on his shoulder. 

“I’m gonna make up for my bullshit,” he promised with heat laced through every syllable. 

“Terry, you don’t–”

Terry cut you off by moving his hand from your neck to his dick. He ran the tip through your dripping folds and then plunged inside with a rough thrust. “Oh shit!” You cried out, twisting your hands to try and slow him down. But because he had your arms trapped, you had no choice but to take his dick.

He angled your hips into a more comfortable position and then he slipped his hand back around your throat. He grunted with every deep thrust, filling you up, and making you take it. 

“Too much, too much,” you whined, trying to lean away from him. Terry pushed into you harder, pinning you to the door, while he continued to fuck you. Your forehead leaned on the doors and your breath fogged up the glass with your moans and sighs. 

“You can take it, baby,” he said, sinking you deeper and harder onto his length. He kissed your neck, licked and nibbled in areas, and moved upwards to your ear. “I love you so much. And I know I’ve been an ass. I haven’t been fair to you,” he whispered in your ear while he continued to dig into your guts.

You weren’t quite prepared for him to be so sweet and so nasty all at once. He gave you no time to fully hear his message or fully focus on his dick inside you so you were stuck in a twisted limbo. Suspended between absolute pleasure and your heart swelling with emotions. 

“That ends today, okay? I’ll prove that I’ll do better,” he said. He grunted and cursed under his breath. 

“Fuck, you feel so good,” you moaned. 

“That’s my job as your husband. And it’s a job I take seriously,” he said. He smiled against your neck and then pulled you into a rough kiss over your shoulder. Your lips danced and played with each other as your orgasm rushed to the surface. 

You began to cry and stutter as it washed over you. Terry moaned as you squeezed around his dick. “Fuck, that’s it,” he panted into your ear. 

When you came down, Terry let your arms go. He slipped out with a grunt and stepped back. You missed the heat of him instantly. He rubbed the feeling back into your arms from having them bent back for so long. He grabbed the discarded wash cloth from the top of the shower and rinsed it out.

He lathered up with his soap and then carefully washed down your back and your ass. His finger slipped between your cheeks to tease as he washed you down and you giggled with him. 

Terry turned you around and washed down your front. Washed the cum from your chest that didn’t rinse off from the water. You smiled at each other, finding your way back with every swipe of the cloth across your titties, your tummy, and down your thighs. He ran the cloth between your legs, careful not to get soap in between, and you moaned just from having his hands on you again.

His lips on yours. His eyes seeing you again after weeks of zoning out. Hints of your husband poked through that barrier he erected and now you were let in behind the wall. You grinned at him and leaned on your toes for a kiss. 

The kiss was meant to be innocent and sweet, just something to show that you loved him. That you were there and never letting him disappear again. But Terry kissed you deeper, grabbing you about the neck once more and crushed his lips to yours. 

His tongue slipped inside and then he gently nibbled on your bottom lip with his teeth. “Terry,” you sighed. Your stomach flipped with desire. Pussy throbbing. Once wasn’t nearly enough. 

“I know,” he said. He lifted your chin and brought you in for a sweet kiss. He deepened the kiss even as he maneuvered you towards the shower wall. He lifted you by the ass to wrap your legs around his hips. 

“Fuck,” you cried out. It never ceased to amaze you that he was so strong. He worked hard in the gym to take care of himself but also to lift every pound you had. He lifted without effort, without strain, and grinned when he caught the look on your face. 

“I don’t know what I’d do without you,” Terry said. He stared into your eyes as he pushed back into you. Back into your warm, wet heat and you both groaned as he pushed in slowly, all the way down to the base. 

Your nails dug into his back and shoulders, clutching on for dear life. He was huge and thick. Long. He pulled back and then sank in once more, repeating this over and over to make you feel every last inch of him. Feel his mushroom head push against your soft, spongy walls welcoming him in. 

Your mouth dropped open, needing to release something. A cry, a moan, a word. Nothing came as he stroked into you, increasing with each one. Soon, he was slamming into you. His wet, loud strokes echoed in the tiled shower and your cries soon joined it. 

“You feelin’ me?” He asked. 

You nodded. You adjusted your arms around his neck and he dropped his forehead to yours. 

“Look at me,” he whispered. You locked your eyes with him and it somehow made his strokes even more intense. He throbbed inside you. 

“You feel me. Right here and now. I’m not going anywhere. I’m never going away again,” he moaned while he stroked. 

“Terry,” you sniffled. 

Fuck, this was all you ever wanted. You didn’t need him to be perfect. You didn’t need him to be a textbook definition of a husband. You just wanted him present and with you. Sharing his pain and his joys. Sickness and health. Better and worse. Those were the vows you swore before a room full of your close friends and family. 

“I feel you. I feel you right here,” you promised. 

Terry switched up his strokes, getting deeper than before and bottoming out. You both groaned and threw your heads back, getting lost in the sensation of him filling you up. Connecting the both of you. As close as you could possibly be to another human being. 

Terry leaned down and kissed you, playing with your lips, even as his hips slammed into you over and over. Pressure built in your belly, making your thighs quake and your arms tremble. “Terry, please, I can’t,” you begged. It was too much. It felt like you were out of control, out of your norm, unrooted. 

Terry only continued exactly what he was doing. “You’re taking me so well, baby. You can keep going,” he said. 

Your eyes swam and your vision turned blurry as you clung to him and came undone on his dick again. Your cries were loud enough to echo and bounce off of the tiled walls and ceiling, giving you a feedback loop of your own pleasure. It amplified your orgasm and you shut your eyes and surrendered to the overwhelming feeling. 

Terry kissed you all over your face, neck, and shoulders. He pumped you into you until his own hips stuttered and shot loads of thick cum into your pussy. You whined and shivered as he fucked his cum deeper and deeper. 

He slowed to a gradual stop and you stayed connected like that while you both recovered. Water still pelted the both of you and you kissed on each other, soaking up the moment. Terry leaned over and turned off the water, still holding you.

He smiled and kissed your lips. He nuzzled your nose. “Missed this,” he said.

“Me too,” you said. You kissed his cheek. 

Terry carefully stepped out of the shower with you still wrapped around him like a spider monkey. You were glad. Because now that you had him back, you weren’t ready to let him go. As if you would keep him here with you by sheer force of will. 

He moved the towel from the edge of the sink and placed you down, slipping out of you. You kissed and loved on each other while he dried the both of you off. Greedy for more, you reached between you to play with his heavy balls. 

Terry groaned and tilted his head down at you. “You sure you wanna do that?” He asked.

You continued fondling his balls, rubbing them between your fingers, and making him moan. His hips canted towards yours and you bit your lip, needing him back inside. Two orgasms weren’t enough. No number would satisfy you. 

“It’s been too long,” you pouted and looked at him. 

He chuckled and kissed you, taking possession of your poked out lip. He suckled on it and you moaned, feeling your pussy respond and ache from just this small action. 

“Get that sexy ass on our bed. Let me clean up in here and I’ll take care of that,” he said. 

You pouted again and whined but he bit your lip. “Now.” He deepened his voice and arched a perfect eyebrow at you. 

You rolled your eyes and his eyebrow lifted higher. You grinned and hopped off the sink. While being punished for your attitude would be fun, you just wanted him right now. No extras, no games. You wanted to enjoy him and enjoy his body. 

He smacked your ass as you walked out and he chuckled after you shrieked and hid your ass behind your hands. You skipped to your bedroom and laid down on your bed. Cool air blew across your damp skin but it wasn’t freezing or uncomfortable.

The temperature was just right to make you hyper aware of your body. Of the feel of your skin and the thorough fucking Terry just gave you. Your pussy was still sensitive but you couldn’t resist teasing your clit. You ran your other hand along your skin, your belly, and your titties. Squeezing your nipple between your fingers and moaning from the dual sensations. 

“Terry…” you called out, drawing out his name. If he didn’t get in here soon, you were about to take matters into your own hands. 

The afternoon sun was setting low, rich oranges and golds slanting through your curtains and casting a warm glow about your room. Most days, you hated that your place faced east and west, but on lazy days like today, it was perfect. 

Terry moved about the bathroom, you had no clue what he was doing. So you closed your eyes and continued to play with yourself. You grew wetter by the second, your mind filling in with images of Terry’s broad chest. His narrow hips. That monster he had between his legs and the unbridled pleasure he managed to provide every single time. 

God, you loved that man. In every which way you were able to get him. You didn’t have the words to convey it but you’d spend the rest of your life trying to find them. 

You moaned as your imagination took over. Replaying what happened in the shower, the look on his face, the fire in his hazel eyes. You sighed as Terry entered the room.

“Oh, you bold,” he said, his voice laced with amusement. 

You didn’t stop though. You spread your legs further and shifted on the bed so that he could get a clearer view. “All warmed up for you,” you teased. 

Terry’s eyes dropped to the core of you, at the way you held your pussy lips open. Your other hand teased around your clit in figure eights, dipping into your pussy every so often to gather up more essence. 

Terry’s tongue swiped out to lick from one side to the other. Your fingers lost their rhythm. “Keep going,” he commanded. 

You whined and started up again but you couldn’t think straight. Not with him leaning against the wall looking at you like you were a five course meal and he was a starving man. When you just couldn’t find that spot again, Terry smirked and walked closer.

“What happened?” He asked.

“You,” you said. 

Terry smirked and took his time kneeling at the edge of the bed. He grabbed your thighs and pressed his thumbs to your inner thighs, massaging them. “Fuck,” you moaned and twisted, trying to close your legs and trap his hands there.

“Naw. Open back up. That’s what you get for trying to handle it yourself,” he said. 

“It’s been too long since I’ve seen you,” you said and smirked. Terry lifted an eyebrow but his eyes were still on your throbbing pussy. He had to see how you were clenching around nothing. Clenching and reaching for him. 

He leaned down and kissed your clit. He retreated too quickly for your blood and you whined, pushing your hips back towards his face. 

“I’m still apologizing so I won’t make you beg this time,” he said. Without further ado, he dragged his pink, juicy lips through your folds, hunting for your clit. His tongue darted out and teased, dragging the tip through your folds. His tongue was warm as it flattened against your clit and he licked.

“Fuck!” You screamed out. 

Terry smiled between your legs before getting down to business. He suckled and licked and nibbled while he feasted on your pussy. Your pussy throbbed and ached while he slurped up your essence noisily. 

“Fuck, baby. Right there,” you moaned.

Terry locked in to the spot and swirled his tongue around in tight circles. You clutched to the covers, nails digging in for dear life as you twisted and jerked. You reached down to grab onto the back of his head and push his head deeper. 

Terry placed his hands to your thighs and pinned them to the bed while he ate you out, never stopping for breath. He just ate like a man possessed until you were twitching and crying out on his tongue, reaching your climax in record time.

Terry continued to eat you out through it, whispering into your pussy how perfect and sexy you were. How much he had to make up for. Your throat was scratched raw from all the moaning you were doing, too spent to respond. To tell him that he didn’t have a damn thing to make up for. His pain was valid and he had a right to see it through, but he had to see it through. Not just disappear into his head.

None of that came through. Your vision swam as you looked at the popcorn ceiling, too blissed out to form a coherent sentence. Terry replaced the view of the ceiling, leaning down on his fists, as he smirked at you.

“Still with me?” He asked.

“Always,” you sighed. 

He chuckled as he climbed onto the bed. It dipped beneath his weight, jostling you a bit. His knees pushed your legs on top of his thighs. His eyes sparkled as he slipped into you, meeting no resistance from your pussy.

“Shit,” you grunted. You pushed feebly at his chest. Not necessarily to make him stop, but fuck, you needed time to recover. Time to catch your breath. He stole the motherfucker, the least he could do was let you gain it back.

“Nothing feels better than this,” he said. He sank deeper into you, making you curl into him and squeeze his hips with your legs. He grabbed both of your hands and pinned them above your head, poking your chest out for his lips to capture your nipples.

He suckled on them, going back and forth between the two, while he fucked into you lazily. Unhurried. Like he managed to pause time long enough to focus on delivering you pleasure. His eyes found yours and he smiled, his dazzling grin turning you stupid and pliant.

He groaned as he felt your body relax and he dug into you, harder, deeper, faster. “I love you,” he said.

“I love you,” you moaned.

“Cum with me, baby,” he said.

You whined and focused on cumming with him like he said. You could feel him throbbing inside you, close, oh so close. You panted, sweating, legs trembling, back bowing. He leaned to one side so that he could slip his free hand between your legs to play with your clit.

Your moans increased to a near panic as your orgasm came running at his beck and call. You cried out and your squeezing pussy milked him. He moaned and dropped his head as he spilled into you over and over, his body trembling from the force. 

He kissed your cheek but you otherwise laid there and enjoyed the feeling of him crushing you to the bed. Who needed oxygen anyway?

Your stomach rumbled, breaking the beautiful silence after such a powerful moment. You both laughed as it rumbled again. Terry released your hands and you covered your tummy. He pushed your hands away with his chin and then kissed your belly. 

“We’re gonna need another shower and then I need to feed my wife,” he said.

“Feed your wife or feed your wife?” You asked, waggling your eyebrows. You were spent and tired but you could find another round in you for him. Always for him. 

“Both, nasty ass,” he said. He stood up and then pulled you with him to stand as well. He gave you a sweet, tender kiss and promised over and over with both his tongue and his actions that he would become a man worthy of your love. 

The end.

I love you all. The Secret Terry Richmond Files

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[meimeimeirin]

still on tumblr break, but since i just logged in and saw several asks, i thought i'd clarify a few things here.

regarding me and @/zhongrin

in summary:

zhongrin is privated and archived permanently.

for the two people who asked, yeah, i'm alright.

more utc, but you can skip.

to expand more on the 'sudden' archiving/privating:

i've been debating to archive the blog since last year. to tell the truth, the new theme that appeared in zhongrin since september last year was actually the theme of a new writing sideblog i made. honestly, i had contemplated archiving it since july ー and i've lost count over how many times i created a 'blog archived' post only to delete it, over and over again. i just held on like an idiot and kept telling myself to just post and dip out.

don't look at the activity bar, it's just going to be full of likes. don't look at the notes, i'll just be full of more empty likes. don't look at the reblogs, it won't have any feedback anyway. don't look into your inbox, you won't find any feedback whatsoever anyway. don't look at your dash, lest you'll see other people getting interactions and start wondering if you're the weirdo for not getting any. don't look. don't look. don't look.

i'm just so tired of being disappointed.

it's like writing out a play and 10k people reserved seats to your free performance, yet all you see are thousands of absent seats. all you receive are silent smiles. a few applauses. and less than ten people commenting on the play, most of which are your own friends.

every time i post, i start questioning why did i even bother sharing this. or if i'm even actually good enough at writing. or if that comment was just there out of pity. or if i should have used the time i spent writing, proofreading, and editing to do something else. something that would have brought more joy. something that would result in more than a few strung words on a digital screen that no one thinks is worth sharing.

every time i post, it just feels like i just did something meaningless. every time i do events or bring my ocs to the spotlight, every time i'm having so much fun, people leave and it gets even more silent. my thoughts? my expectations? my joy? my sadness? meaningless. they're all meaningless to these ten thousand people.

why should i keep sharing and doing something that feels meaningless and hopeless?

so i stopped caring and archived. that's all there is to it.

i do have that new writing blog set up. way back since last year. because as much as i loathe the silence, i still love writing. sometimes.

as of today, that blog is still devoid of original posts. i don't know when or if i'll feel comfortable posting my own 'content' again. or maybe i never will. who knows. but if i do, this time, i'm setting things up so i can just be the 'content creator' that readers expect me to be and distance myself from everything.

call me childish. call me jaded. call me a bitch. i don't care. i don't want to try connecting with my readers anymore because tumblr as a community has stopped being a system that can do this. i'm just going to give myself the option of making content and dipping out whenever i want. i'm going to spend my energy having fun with my friends who does care - on a separate, more controlled environment altogether.

this will still be my main since i don't want to bother setting up a new account and re-following people again. but i won't be active here. i foresee i'll be more 'present' in my private blog. for those who does have the url ー please keep it a secret. thanks.

bye, zhongrin. it started out fun. it's a shame it ended on a bitter note. i truly wish it hadn't turned out this way.

signing off once again, meirin.

[groovygianniart]

All by yourself, sittin' alone. I hope we're still friends, yeah, I hope you don't mind.

At some point in B.B's isolation, within the darkness, a hand reached out.

I figured I was eventually gonna have to post about how my previous friendship and the impact it left on me.

It was good.....and then bad....and then great again but then took a nosedive into concrete.

We became friends when I was stuck in that pit of a relationship and I attached to them like glue. But as time went on it was abundantly clear how mentally ill I was (that's not a joke.).

It's easy for me now when I'm in a spiral to blame everything on them or when I'm in a self loathing kick, I blame everything on myself. I realize now it is mostly my fault and in the end, I'm surprised the friendship didn't end sooner.

I did a lot of self sabotage on top of my very unhealthy attachment to them. I cherished them as a friend but I would also get wildly upset for something they'd do or enjoy that I crossed their boundary to even find out.

I'm not really sure what caused me to be like that, that's what I'm trying to discover in therapy, might be from all the damage my ex bf left on me, my previous unhealthy friendships from back when I was in school, or my mother instilling borderline puritanical ideals in me despite us not even being religious....gotta be some of those things.

Since the friendship broke, my world got a lot smaller and I feel pretty lost and I'm afraid of letting people too close cause I don't know of I'll do all that again or become a total doormat and let people hurt me just to feel a connection that's deep to me.

I'm in therapy and taking meds and also told my therapist I'm interested in starting a specific type of therapy that helps process trauma. I've also taken the time to let myself "get worse to get better" in a sense that made me discover do not get the right to judge people for what they're into cause it turns out....I like some pretty messed up things.

Sometimes I want closure, to tell them I'm so sorry for causing them so much pain but I also know we can probably never be friends again because of said pain. It wasn't healthy for me either because I'd be glued to my phone making myself sick from them taking a long time to reply and then as soon as they did, I'd be an anxious wreck and replying to them within a few seconds. Like I said: I was very clingy.

By the way the inspiration for this picture was TV Girl's song "Not Allowed". Not the full song, just the chorus cause the way it repeats and it really reminded me how it became such a pattern that even others saw it.

Also didn't mean to make the text look bisexual lol. Like I said I was inspired by TV Girl so I had to throw in the pink and blue. The pink represents them, the blue represents me and the purple is both of us.

[yuriko-44]

yearning for freedom

19 ✮ yuriko ✮ she/he ✮ permashifting to my wr

Hello!! Welcome to my shifting blog!! I'm Yuriko and I decided to start this blog to not only motivate myself, but also to hopefully motivate others as well!! Sometimes I also get the urge to tell someone about my drs, so I figured that making a blog here was a good idea for mindlessly yapping about them. I'll be sharing everything about my shifting journey, so expect posts about my drs and wrs, my close attempts and minishifts, motivational posts because we love them and etc!! I'll probably share interesting dreams and lucid dreams as well, since I'm interested in shifting through lucid dreams. And sometimes I get really cute dreams about the people in my drs- my motivation skyrockets whenever that happens!! I'd also like to make some friends that are into shifting!!

here's a summary of the things you'll find in this post:

about me and dni list • how I found shifting • my view of reality shifting • my shifting goals and drs • shifting and dream journal • miscellaneous

last update: 20th january 2025

about me and dni list

You can call me Yuriko!! It's not my real name here in the cr, but it's my real name in my main wr!! I'm 19 years old and go by she/he pronouns. English isn't my first language, so sorry if I sometimes get simple things wrong. I really like animals (I spontaneously combust whenever I enter a zoo) and if I had to decide what kind of pet to have, if I could have one, I'd either get a corgi or a gecko (don't know which kind though), they're just so cute!! My favourite colours are blue and light blue, red, green, pink, purple, yellow- I love colours, ok? LMAO!! I think of myself as a little childish, but I really don't care to be honest. I always try my best to be kind and respectful with both strangers and people I know. I used to find shifting information on TikTok back in 2019/2020. I deleted that app before 2021 and never looked back, it was the best decision ever for my shifting journey!! I never shifted or minishifted, but I won't let that demotivate and/or stop me!! I'm mainly a bnha shifter, since my main drs are about it!!

dni list: anti-shifters, basic dni criteria, haters in general, closed-minded people, cringe/cancel culture

how I found shifting

I found out about shifting between 2019 and 2020, during the pandemic. I found out about lucid dreaming first, I was watching a video about it and someone mentioned reality shifting in the comments. It peaked my interest, so I looked it up and didn't really know what to think at first. It just seemed too good to be true, you know? But then I got more informed and here I am now!! Shifting really felt like a blessing, I was going through one of the worst moments of my life, so I'm really grateful for finding out about it. It really helped me go through it. My main source of information was TikTok, which is full of misinformation but I didn't know it at the time.

I remember I made a small script and actually put effort in only two shifting attempts before I needed to take a break. The reason why I needed that break was because people on TikTok were so…contradictory. At first they say "you can do whatever you want! :3" and two seconds later they say "DON'T DO THIS!! YOU CAN'T DO THIS THING!! IT'S IMPOSSIBLE!! >:(" LIKE, GIRL GET IT TOGETHER AND MAKE UP YOUR MIND!! To me that was absolutely exhausting and confusing, so I took that break. The break lasted from 2020 to 2024…yeah, I'm not really proud of that- so here I am picking reality shifting back up in 2025 with a much better understanding of it, with a better mindset and with clearer ideas for what I really want (like where I want to shift and all)!!

my view of reality shifting

I believe there's an infinite amount of realities out there, the one we're in right now is just one of them. There's no 'main/more important reality' or anything like that!! All realities are on the same exact level. When we shift to another reality we become aware of that reality and shift our awareness there.

We don't create realities when we script/shift, we go to already existing ones. This is why I don't think there's anything wrong with shifting to whatever dr you want. It doesn't matter if we shift there or not, that reality exists and the events in it are going to take place regardless of what we do. I personally think people can shift wherever they want, regardless of the kind of reality they choose to shift to.

You don't need methods, a perfect doubt-free mindset, scripts or anything like that to actually shift. Although they can all help greatly, they aren't what makes you shift and therefore aren't mandatory!!

There's no limit. You can literally script anything you want!! Since there's an infinite amount of realities, there are infinite possibilities!! Go wild and let your imagination run free!!

my shifting goals and drs

I'm planning to permashift to my main waiting room, then from there I'll be able to shift wherever and whenever I want!! My main wr basically functions as some sort of hub where I go to plan and shift to my drs. But it also functions as a replacement for this reality. Whenever I feel like having a break from my drs I can just go there and relax!! One of the many reasons why I want to permanently shift to my wr is because some of my main drs have some events that can be quite intense. I scripted that in my main wr, and obviously in all of my other realities as well, it's impossible for me to get traumatised and feel the effects. But in this reality, the cr, that's not the case, so I'm worried that if I come back to this exact reality I'd feel the effects. So I plan to permashift to a reality in which I know I can't get traumatised and feel the effects, so I don't have to worry about that. If I'll ever decide to come back here I'll probably just go to a reality exactly like this one with the only difference being I can't feel traumatised.

My main dr is a bnha dr!! It's probably the one you'll hear about the most!! This dr in particular is probably the one with the most traumatising events, to be completely honest. Obviously I scripted everything for safety and whatnot. Another reason why I want to go to my main wr first is because I scripted that there I'm absolutely amazing at making scripts. So if anything is lacking in the script in my cr, I can make it a thousand times better in my wr before shifting!! In my wr I can also test my drs, if that makes sense. Basically I scripted there's a room in my house in which, by entering it, I can enter a realistic simulation of my drs so I can test them out. That's going to be extremely useful!!

I'm currently interested in using the lucid dreaming method, so basically shifting through lucid dreams. Years ago I used to lucid dream every night. But I was fed a bunch of misinformation and I became absolutely terrified of lucid dreams and actively tried to stop having them. Now I'm at level 1 again and I'm working on getting more lucid dreams so I can shift!!

my desired realities: I like to give names to all of my drs (if I can come up with one that is) and, to be honest, they're really cringe but whatever, I don't care LMAO-

home: main wr, new cr !!

(will be updated)

my shifting and dream journal

shifting journal

(empty)

dream journal

(empty)

miscellaneous

(empty)

[dufferpuffer]

Sometimes, this line is taken from Tom and used to make him out to be a victim of Albus' suspicions: growing up disliked by a man he feared. Constantly watched him like a helicopter parent, assuming him to be a problem from day one...

But the text shows this not the case.

They didn’t see another person until they reached the Entrance Hall, when a tall wizard with long, sweeping auburn hair and beard called to Riddle from the marble staircase. ‘What are you doing, wandering around this late, Tom?’ Harry gaped at the wizard. He was none other than a fifty-year-younger Dumbledore. ‘I had to see the Headmaster, sir,�� said Riddle. ‘Well, hurry off to bed,’ said Dumbledore, giving Riddle exactly the kind of penetrating stare Harry knew so well. ‘Best not to roam the corridors these days. Not since …’ He sighed heavily, bade Riddle goodnight and strode off.

(CoS Ch13)

This scene is just a little after Myrtles death - and immediately precedes Hagrid being framed for her manslaughter. Tom has spoken to Headmaster Dippet and been denied staying at school over the summer because... well, a girl died. Who is going to stay in the school just to babysit him?

Albus, finding Tom wandering around at night after such a tragedy, simply asks what he is doing - and when given a vague answer suggests it's unsafe to roam the corridors and sends him to bed.

He doesn't question Tom. He doesn't walk him to his common room, or follow him even from a distance. He just bids him goodnight.

That's the exact opposite of assuming Tom to be a problem. That's more trust than a teacher would put into many students even under normal circumstances, let alone after a death. It lines up with freedoms he has previously given him, too:

“I don’t need you,” said Riddle. “I’m used to doing things for myself, I go round London on my own all the time. How do you get to this Diagon Alley— sir?” he added, catching Dumbledore’s eye. [...] Harry thought that Dumbledore would insist upon accompanying Riddle, but once again he was surprised. Dumbledore handed Riddle the envelope containing his list of equipment, and after telling Riddle exactly how to get to the Leaky Cauldron from the orphanage, he said, “You will be able to see it, although Muggles around you — non-magical people, that is — will not. Ask for Tom the barman — easy enough to remember, as he shares your name —” [...] "[...]So — when I’ve got all my stuff — when do I come to this Hogwarts?” “All the details are on the second piece of parchment in your envelope,” said Dumbledore. “You will leave from King’s Cross Station on the first of September. There is a train ticket in there too.” Riddle nodded. Dumbledore got to his feet and held out his hand again.

(HBP, ch13)

Even surprising Harry - Albus allows Tom to take care of his own path to Hogwarts, simply because he wanted to do it alone. After hearing bad stories about how he uses his magic, after experiencing first hand him not wanting to return stolen objects and snatching coins from his hand - he trusts Tom to act alone.

Because Tom agreed to start a new life in the Wizarding World. He agrees to follow Wizarding Law and respect him as a teacher at Hogwarts rather than command and spit on him with distrust. So he trusts gives him with a fresh start - no unwanted supervision.

In regards to his 'penetrating stare':

The very first time the word 'penetrating' was used in the books at all was in the previous chapter, in a very similar scenario: Harry, sheltering secrets of whispers and snakes, talking to Dumbledore about an attack Hagrid would then be accused of.

‘[...] Fascinating creatures, phoenixes. They can carry immensely heavy loads, their tears have healing powers and they make highly faithful pets.’ In the shock of Fawkes catching fire, Harry had forgotten what he was there for, but it all came back to him as Dumbledore settled himself in the high-backed chair behind the desk and fixed Harry with his penetrating, light-blue stare. Before Dumbledore could speak another word, however, the door of the office flew open with an almighty bang and Hagrid burst in, a wild look in his eyes, [...] ‘It wasn’ Harry, Professor Dumbledore!’ said Hagrid urgently. [...] ‘Hagrid!’ said Dumbledore loudly. ‘I do not think that Harry attacked those people.’ [...] ‘You don’t think it was me, Professor?’ Harry repeated hopefully, as Dumbledore brushed rooster feathers off his desk. ‘No, Harry, I don’t,’ said Dumbledore, though his face was sombre again. ‘But I still want to talk to you.’ Harry waited nervously while Dumbledore considered him, the tips of his long fingers together. ‘I must ask you, Harry, whether there is anything you’d like to tell me,’ he said gently. ‘Anything at all.’ [...] ‘No,’ said Harry, ‘there isn’t anything, Professor.’

(CoS ch12) [edited, sadly - Hagrid's vehement defense of Harry is very sweet]

Dumbledore talks about Phoenixes re-birthing from their deathbeds, remaining faithful (love this line, I wanna pick it apart one day) - then gives Harry the same look he gave Tom. Hagrid comes to Harry's defense - and Albus is quick to agree... ...but he wants to question Harry more.

This is something he doesn't do to Tom. He has changed his behaviour from the past - where he was more trusting of Tom.

Could the 'penetrating stare' be him using legilimency...? He seems to know Harry is hiding things. He 'considers' Harry. Well... even if he did use legilimency, what did he find out from Tom?

Riddle said he had been to see the Headmaster. Albus stared - then said 'goodnight' and left. That means he mustn't have seen Myrtles death, the Basilisk, the Chamber - not gotten any inkling of Tom's plans. If he did look - I think he was only seeing if Tom really had just been to the see the Headmaster, and saw it was the truth. An invasion of privacy, yes. But he didn't pry deeper, in a way that suggests particular distrust - and it is obvious the fact a little girl was brutally murdered is on his mind.

~~~

As prev. and OP say, Tom's idea of 'not being liked as much' seems to be 'didn't kiss my ass - but still bent over backwards for me.' Albus was still giving him special treatment - or at the very worst, regular student treatment. He was still assuming the best of him.

Re-reading Chamber of Secrets and I get to this little gem from Tom Riddle

“Yes, I think Dumbledore might have guessed. Dumbledore never seemed to like me as much as the other teachers did…”

In light of HBP, this sentence is gold. So Dumbledore didn’t like you as much as the other teachers? I wonder why, Tom! Could it possibly be that the first time he ever met you, he discovered that you were already using magic to intimidate and hurt your peers, even before the tender age of 11? That you were bullying people into giving you their possessions? That you were torturing and killing animals? That Dumbledore, what a fuddy-duddy, mistrusting and misliking you over a little torture and intimidation. Or maybe it was because you used a giant snake to murder a young girl and then framed an innocent boy for that murder? I guess we’ll never know!

[gongedtornado]

you ever just

[hexcoreviktor]

love how i, as a grown ass adult, am still fucking terrified of groups of teenagers 🙃

[milfbrainrot]

i feel like i type so much more than is reasonable when i do talk to people but i also don't get to socialize a ton so i just have soooo many words in me and if i'm like, tired or short on time, it is so much harder to restrain to the already-pushing-it point i can sometimes manage ;-;

[ceescedasticity]

Needful Things

Things Irissë needed to say to Kalmornel:

I love you. I missed you.

I'm sorry I couldn't save you. I'm sorry you had to save me. I'm sorry I couldn't be there when you needed me. I'm sorry I couldn't teach you what you needed to know. I'm sorry you had to be strong when you should have been taken care of. I'm sorry for the times I thought Lómion needed me more. I'm sorry my place of safety was somewhere you wouldn't feel safe. I'm sorry for everything.

It brings me more joy than I could have imagined that you were able to grow up happy and free and find yourself, and I'm so sorry I couldn't help you do that. Thank you for coming to find me.

I don't know how you feel about Lómion now and I will not argue against anything you feel. It has no bearing on how I feel about you.

Things Kalmornel needed to say to Irissë:

I love you. I missed you.

I have always been afraid you only loved us because you were forced to. Less so now — I don't think Eöl would have felt that necessary, and I understand the mysteries well enough to be certain I didn't do anything of the kind, unintentionally. But sometimes in Nan Elmoth I was sure it couldn't be real. I wouldn't have blamed you if it wasn't.

I'm proud of "Galvornil". It means I impressed someone not easy to impress, and galvorn itself is impressive stuff. Maybe he invented me but I made myself my own. I don't mind when you call me Quildallë, it's your name for me, but when other people do I feel like they're treating me only as your daughter and ignoring me. If people don't like Galvornil, then Kalmornel — I'm used to that now anyway. Calamornillë would be all right. Not Dínril or Kwilzê.

I never blamed you for not being able to get away. Sometimes I was upset that you weren't paying enough attention to me, but I knew from pretty early on that wasn't something you controlled. Sometimes I was angry that you were paying attention to Maeglin and not me, but I don't think that could have been avoided.

What you did that hurt me that you didn't have to do was not trust me. I understand why — you didn't know where the enchantments came from, for all you knew they were of the Enemy somehow, and you were very badly hurt. But I wanted you to trust that I would never be like Eöl and I could tell that deep down you were afraid.

Maeglin was my closest ally and my bitterest rival, my dumb little brother and my only peer in Nan Elmoth. It took me centuries to understand nothing I learned of marriage there was true anywhere else and I was always a better listener than Maeglin. He thought false and coerced love was better than no love at all — I was there when he decided that, we were still too short for ponies, and I'm the one who was worrying those were our choices. It doesn't surprise me he got twisted up. He's still my brother and I want him back.

Absence of Evidence: Silence

(In which Gondolin never hears about Galvornil Quildallë)

Aredhel had probably been about to tell her brother about Galvornil when Eöl arrived and ruined everything.

Afterwards, Maeglin just… didn't.

He never tried to figure out exactly why.

It might have been: He couldn't bear to speak of Nan Elmoth.

It might have been: Maeglin and Galvornil competed for Aredhel's time and attention, competed for Eöl's time and attention, competed for Eöl's approval. Whenever Galvornil outdid him in anything, Eöl made sure to rub it in. And with Galvornil //absent\\ he could never outdo her. She could never screw up.

It might have been: Everyone in Gondolin was horrified by everything they heard of Eöl's enchantments. There was much talk of the inherent evil of darkness. Galvornil learned Eöl's enchantments, took pride in her skill. Would they see her as another horrible Dark Elf?

He thought about bringing her up, but decided too much time had passed and it would be strange, when:

Idril called him brother. He wanted to say that he knew she was not his sister because he had a sister. Being siblings was rivalry and resentment and occasional sabotage, and it was silent conspiracy to shield their mother or sometimes even each other, and it was leaning on each other when Eöl's thought lay heavy on Nan Elmoth like dark cold water up to the eyebrows. Maeglin's real sister feared Eöl and loved him and hated him and still //treasured\\ earning a name from him. Being siblings was bone-deep understanding. Idril was certainly not his sister.

He wished she had come to Gondolin when:

Idril confused him. He had thought he understood her rejection at first; Galvornil had always said she would sooner die than marry, so it was no surprise another strong and wise woman might feel the same. But then she married the mortal. Maeglin thought Galvornil might have understood. Might have been able to explain it.

(Galvornil would not have understood — but would have confidently explained that it made perfect sense: marrying a mortal was safe because he was so much weaker his will could be easily thrown off.)

Towards the end, he wondered if Galvornil would have seen what he was hiding. If she could have given warning when he was too afraid to speak.

[icewindandboringhorror]

Everytime I face a new character limit on a website that didn't have them before/used to have really long ones... AUGHHhhh the modern social media world was not made for people like me (lovers of details, rambling, elaboration, thorough explanation, and nuance)

[sciderman]

i relate to peter parker because i’ve had six crushes this year alone

damn son save some for the rest of us!!

[banannabethchase]

YES I KNOW I'M BEING PREDICTABLE AND STEREOTYPICAL NO I DON'T FUCKING CARE LET ME HAVE MY FUN.

[vergilmayhoard]

sometimes i hate everyone and my life and sometimes i think it would be better if i just died at this point

[rolandkaros]

election thoughts

calling trump voters 'dumb' is ignorant. some of these people are dumb but a lot of them are just selfish.

blaming third-party voters is ignoring the issue re: over half the country was willing to vote for trump anyway. likewise, pointing out that trump won the popular vote and that third-party votes wouldn't have made a difference is ignoring the voting system. conversations about third-party voters in general are not fruitful. some people are just going to vote third-party and expecting them to suddenly not do so is naïve. there is no scenario where third-party voters should have been the 'tie-breaker' to begin with.

a lot of people (americans and non-americans) don't understand how the electoral college system works and in general i'd advise you to do some research before you share your take. americans you should know this anyway and don't use the excuse of "i wasn't taught" if you have tumblr then you have the internet so look it up and start reading. i don't expect non-americans to know a foreign country's voting system but if you want to share an opinion please take a bit of time to learn about it before you do. i'm tired of seeing the same dialogues by people who clearly just don't understand the actual structure of the voting system.

pointing fingers at different demographics you think are to blame is useless. if you're going to find a group to blame, then blame the majority, i.e. white men and white women. otherwise your blame is completely unhelpful and misplaced.

saying she only lost because she's a woman or a poc (or both) is also misguided. its not entirely wrong but once again you are misunderstanding some fundamentals of how extremist politicians find success, and likewise are ignoring some obvious issues re: the democratic party and their campaign strategies.

equating education to intelligence to voting preferences in general is ignorant. you are forgetting how many factors go into someone actually receiving formal education. you are forgetting how many factors go into someone's state of residence. i was going to explain this further but i think no one cares so i'm not going to bother because the explanation got too long. also, see point 1. there are plenty of very smart people who vote for trump anyway.

talking about abandoning the south or red states is pointless and if i hear or see anybody suggest such measure i am automatically assuming you are a foul person. equating democratic states to morally or inherently good and republican states to morally or inherently bad is such an unbelievably superficial and foolhardy judgement and goes against all principles of unity and community that we should be fostering at a time like this.

americans ignorant to the effect that us politics has on the world need to wake up.

i don't blame non-americans for their resentment against the sphere of influence of us politics but i wish they would be less dismissive of the genuine effects this election will also have within america.

acting as though anybody doesn't have the right to be scared about the implications of this result is shortsighted at best. my concern goes beyond my own afflictions – how can you say that concern is misplaced?

i have more but i think that's it for now bc its kind of exhausting to talk about. and i guess what's done is done. idk. i'm not hopeless at all. but i'm fearing more and more than the hope i insist on having is childish. but the alternative is complete self-destruction and i have no intention of going down that road again. so childish hope it is.

[theood]

It might just be a lot of things. I really don't know. I don't like not having any energy after work but it staves off a lot of our thought processes but at the same time I don't love it. It's tolerable but I want to be doing something else. I wanna be in the dirt and I want to feel the earth under my feet and I want to know she's listening to me and telling me it's ok and I want to take care of her like she's taken care of me. I want to plant trees and cut back weeds and learn to identify our native plants and I just can't do any of that and make a living. It's not even a volunteer opportunity for me. I'm just some random citizen who didn't even go to school for any of it. And I'm so lonely. I'm the loneliest I've been. I love all my friends online I do. Truly and wholly but it doesn't help the fact that I have no one around me irl. And it hurts. And I'm scared. And I am so small all the time. And I just want it to change.

[girlivealwaysbean]

it would feel so nice to work towards a career that has meaningful impact and makes millions of people happy