#but something feels viscerally off
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You ever meet a person, become friends with them, and they’re so nice! They’re great! But something just feels REALLY off, but you don’t want to make accusations because you have literally nothing to go off of because they’re such a good person? But you still feel uncomfortable around them? (And you feel terrible because you shouldn’t feel uncomfortable because they’ve done nothing wrong)
#any advice?#They’re so sweet#but something feels viscerally off#I don’t know what it is#But something is wrong#I just can’t pinpoint it#to any of my irls it’s none of you#sorry for the rant#The rats say something
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if the target audience of house was middle-aged cishet dudebros then why are all the promo shots of him so sexually compelling to me personally. like what feelings are these meant to evoke other than “I need to fuck that old man or so help me god”
#I’m a little tipsy rn and I think I hauv covid…#that pic of him in the vicodin bath is making me feel the same way I assume playboy mag enjoyers feel#I need that printed out above my bed#like. WHY ARE YOU LOOKING AT ME LIKE THAT!!! [jerks off and dies]#house md#greg house#gregory house#hatecrimes md#hugh laurie#the only other fictional male character I have been this viscerally attracted to (as opposed to just gender envious/admiration)#is nbc hannibal lecter#that’s two evil gay doctors. is that my niche kink or something.#I need to see a psychiatrist#or not. considering that I might nut
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love thinking kipperlilly spends her afterlife looking for lucy in a familiar forest
#not art#fhjy#fhjy spoilers#like. does she have a mean of knowing lucy and yolanda got sent to cassandra's domain to hang out for a bit#kipperlilly's isolation means so much to me. she is punished for everything she's done she just doesn't pick up on it#until the moment she dies! one more funky thing that mirrors riz in which he's actively tried to cultivate a community and denied it#until the bad kids. while kipperlilly does not want or care about a community she just wants someone who validates her#but she does Need a community so she latches onto the person she lets closer to her to fulfill her emotional needs#she took the ritual willingly so this might genuinely be her first death. probably terrifying#probably not even enough bandwidth to feel mortified. maybe immediately seeking something comforting out of instinct alone#lmao honestly thinking too much abt fantasy high afterlifes gives me a headache And a visceral fear#Im not religious but I grew up in a culture with a dominantly buddhist/taoist cosmology its Scary that u just go to A Place after u die!!#and then ur still urself!!! thats scary to me what do u mean u stay like that forever. thats fucked#but yeah I think this influences how I see kipperlilly turn out a little bit. in a sense I think of her as being a ghost now#yknow. trying to solve something from life so she can move on and. stop living this life etc#man the reveal that lucy took being killed pretty seriously and is like yeah the others are decent and even sweet#and probably was just trying to hold her party together and do what she thinks is moral by hearing kipperlilly out#lol lmao etc. gods I gotta wonder how kipperlilly's mindset handled jawbones' help#it really is damn tragic tho. I stand by what I said folks like this will complain and be nasty to be around#but they dont have enough desire to inconvenience themselves to off the bat do something abt what they find unfair or whatever#its when theyre handed the seemingly very easy means to be right that they'll start being dangerous#its horribly tragic that the supposed metaplayer and the self-perceived mastermind turned out to ultimately be just an useful idiot#yknow what. I think personally in my heart kipperlilly moves on from her afterlife the moment she says sorry#doesnt even have to be to lucy but that's probably gonna be who received it#ah.... teenage rebellion. teenage gamejacking
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My musings for tonight.
#my art#doodles#undescribed#I have a folder for stuff I didn't like enough to finish because I don't like deleting art stuff and sure it's the most rough-looking stuff#but the fact that most of them are from off-days when the art wasn't arting makes them feel kinda visceral because you can tell#I really wanted to draw that day. there was a feeling I wanted to get down but I couldn't do it in a way I was happy with#so you almost see the most raw feeling in them. which is interesting. I definitely see more meaning in them than I did at the time#I get a feeling of like. silent appreciation that I at least tried and got something down rather than giving into defeat completely#which is what I kinda did tonight. I wanted to draw something but did not have the energy for pretty much anything at all.#but I had a thought! and so I went with it.#goodnight
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had to create an instagram account to access something on someone's bio and immediately felt so violated and dirty that I deleted everything
#giving me the fucking heeby jeebies#I want to claw my skin off#how THE FUCK did it know my friends accounts just by me putting my phone number in????#tumblr is legitimantly the only social media I've had in all my 18 years and AHSHGJSGDAJ#get that algorithm shit AWAY FROM ME BLEUGH#I tell you what rip to the rest of yall who grew up with that shit but I barely even touched technology til I was 16 and I am FREAKED OUT b#how much they know just from that TINY BIT of information hbleugh#blehahjgjasgfbnbf#this is the most visceral feeling I've had to something in ages#I need to go roll around in some grass and then lay face down in a river for a while
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*through gritted teeth* ppl can ship whatever they want and it’s fine it doesn’t affect you ppl can ship whatever they want and it’s fine it doesn’t affect you ppl can ship whatever they want and it’s fine it doesn’t affect you people can—
#I need to stop seeing douma/akaza stuff like. now.#I’ve tried okay I’ve tried to even mildly like it and nope#I can’t do it. I cannot do it whatsoever#I JUST DONT GET IT I DONT GET IT I DONT GET ITTTTTTTR#I know it’s my thing where I viscerally dislike ships that are based on two characters#who are on the same side but STILL fucking hate each other#because literally no matter what it just feels so weird and forced to me#like they are on the same side. they have similar morals already. if they were gonna like each other AT ALL… they would#but yeah no I’m hffjdjdksk I can’t do that one anymore#and it used to be such a rare pair so it was really easy to avoid and now I’m seeing A LOT more of it and it’s getting more difficult#and I dunno part of it is the idea of shipping douma with ANYONE#like I can’t stand him being shipped with shinobu kanae or kotoha either#his canon interactions with them have just tainted it sooooo much for me#and like yeah rocks at glass houses I’m aware I’m the enemies to lovers weirdo who ships characters who keep trying to kill each other#but mannnnnn something about the idea of shipping a guy who terrified a woman so wholly she threw her baby off a cliff because that was a#better alternative to him getting his hands on her child? yeeeeaaaaahhhhh… it’s not gonna be for me folks#it is NOT a kind of power dynamic I am gonna enjoy when it’s that particular angle#the context of their relationship cannot be that removed to me#it’s just one of my person nope. can’t fucking do it don’t fucking like it kinda makes my skin crawl things#which in a way is unfortunate#cuz I actually do enjoy douma as a character a lot and I can enjoy certain explorations of him#where he actually DOES learn to be in tune with his emotions again and learn to care for someone#but I rarely see it done well#and when I see ANY of that so called ‘development’ linked to any of these ships#it’s usually just akaza or Kotoha or shinobu getting over their hatred/fear of him in way too fast and highly unrealistic ways#while douma does very little to actually develop himself he just kinda is Automatically better because someone loved him back#(in a way that’s usually out of character for everyone involved lol)#esp when any of these ships are showcased in a REALLY cutesy way like again it’s just not for me#I don’t think I can ever really jive with it#oh well. I should just block some more tags I just needed to complain a bit first lol
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FRIDAY QUEST! - do friday cleaning - start new project (:
#i am so so so so so so so so so so viscerally aware that i haven't done a pure fun thing for a while and i do not have one scheduled#currently struggling to do anything about this as i'm currently booked up on once weekly outings (my current capability) until.#the end of july i think? i have a couple of weeks blocked off with nothing but it's my parents' birthdays so i wanna make sure i can#hang out if they want to do something together (which would be a nice thing!)#but like. i gotta schedule a fun outing OR ELSE!!!!!!! morale is low!#one thing about the disabilities being disabling is that it feels like u can put all ur energy into maintaining a home quality of life#through chores that will not make you miserable because your house isn't as clean as you'd like. OR u can have fun.#and i wanna do BOTH!#oh well! hopefully i can spend a lot of time feeling peaceful in the garden and do some smaller pleasant things and at the very least#an absence of UNPLEASANT things will not bring things down further!!!!!!!#(by unpleasant i mean both truly things i don't wanna go to and also all the bajillion things that need doing but aren't fun)
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Thinking about boys with kind doe eyes and wolf teeth
#teen gojo and yuuji my beloveds#I need to draw them in that visceral teeth focused style that I like but haven't had the chance to study#something about the kindness in their eyes and the deep primal fear you feel as soon as you see their mouths and not their eyes y'know#like the light in the eyes is inherant to them yea but so is the violence they were born with y'know#born to tear off flash and crush bone
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I cannot fathom the level of self importance some people must have to behave this way
#it’s more so selfishness lmao#idk I’m getting unnecessarily worked up about this but 6 months ago I kinda vanished off of everywhere and then I noticed she deleted some#messages#girl I would’ve responded later calm down gosh the messages aren’t going anywhere nor are they disappearing#dora daily#I think of all people who should be mad you’re the last one because tell me why you were so viscerally rude to me since the beginning and#played a massive part of the roaa situation by being complacent when oh ! I thought you’d side with your alleged best friend ME#girl you have no right to complain at all not to mention you take FOREVER when you have no excuse to reply back but when I’m struggling I#apparently have zero excuse ☠️ girl bye#not to mention the fact that when I was so frustrated with myself having these bad headaches and being so incapable of doing anything when#exams were so close all you had to say was what can I do#well bitch what could I have done when you were at hospital#I guarantee you I was the only one texting you 24:7 asking how you were#reassuring you that it’s okay to feel upset about being in the fucking hospital and you don’t need to have such toxic positivity all the tim#oh but when the other girl had freaking back pain from her period or something apparently that’s more of a concern#girl bye#not me who has chronic headaches and cannot even study and nothing sticking cause it’s that bad#oh but go ahead compare it to your chronic illnesss like yes it’s horrible and yes it impacts you a lot#but I don’t think it impacts your brain and memorisation capacity#not to mention how fucking jealous she is of everything like I can say oh god I was so stressed and girl she has not felt stress in her life#compared to what I go through yet she is jealous of the fact I can stress ? tf?#and when I say I almost passed out cause of exhaustion she doesn’t give a shit when I was being so serious#in truth I’ve come to realise nobody does seem to care at all lmao they all think I’m lying#why would I lie about that be so fucking fr rn#anyways this is why I simply don’t want to talk about my physical condition with anyone anymore because they’ll think I’m a liar anyways 🤷♀#not to mention the fact if you even knew me a little you’d understand that it’s so impossibly hard for me to feel comfortable enough to#complain to talk about me feeling sick or sad or whatever I only do it here cause no one follows me and no one will rlly see it at all#but even here I feel like my throat closes up and I can barely breathe when I do complain#so pls …#this one sided friendship thing is crazy cause girl how do I shake you off?
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#the thing is if it doesn’t pull it together/stick the landing I get to be SO snobby about how much better the books are lol#I’m always looking for a way to be extra snobby#ban violation#🫣 ok just off of the first two episodes the books are SO much better#read the books. they’re so much better lol#UNLESS this can pull it together they do have 6 more episodes I believe#but yeah Star Wars tv continues to be a bit underwhelming for me the books are just better 😂#the books are 👏 always 👏 better#I’m not having AS visceral a reaction as midnight horizon because it’s at least not producing that secondhand embarrassment feeling#but idk something seems slightly off#ok this turned into a true ban violation
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been thinking about the neglected section of dagger's lore after he leaves the bakkers as a teen and winds up in a smuggler outfit and aaaa for so long i couldn't grasp details of it all but now its flooding in and its coming together :ratscream:
#like. imagining this very old school set of self-reliant outlaws#they have a hq base on a farm where they grow their own food and even have horses (rare and stolen ofc)#very low-tech#the leader was originally a man but gd that was stupid it's obviously gotta be a big buff old badass lady#dagger would never willingly take orders from a dude (daddy issues) and thats a big reason he hates being in the clan#but he would look at this woman and what she does with a little bit of awe and a lot of respect#and the farm brings back nostalgia from his childhood even though so much of it was bad its something he subconciously longs for. some kind#of stability. and he knows how to work because of it and that puts him in good graces right off the bat#he's used to being low tech its natural for him#and this is where he starts his love of knives#guns are a hassle they rely on ammo they're heavy and bulky and hackable but knives are pure fight and skill#and so visceral. and he learns how to fight and has a love affair with close combat and pain and blood and sweat and dirt#but it starts to corrupt him a little bit. he cares less about the jobs and more about causing pain and feeling pain#so it falls apart of course but its a very integral part of his life
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Remember in Watership Down when they’re in the warren of the snares and the rabbits there have invented abstract poetry and visual arts, and Fiver takes one look at the poet rabbit and goes “this is the most disturbing shit I’ve ever seen and I’d rather sit out all night in the rain than get anywhere near this?” Unfortunately that is kind of how I feel about Neil Gaimen.
#it’s something to do with how artists pick up on and communicate the underpinnings of society and human nature#and something that Neil Gaimen is picking up on and teasing out in his work is something that I do not like#and it’s a pity because I respect Neil Gaimen as a storyteller enormously#and 80% of what he writes is exactly the kind of thing I should love#but there is something in the remaining 20% that I find rather off putting#and it’s definitely not as dramatic or visceral as the warren of the snares or anything but it’s kind of like that#I like and appreciate poetry and the visual arts! but something about it just feels wrong and off in the context#and that’s how reading Neil Gaimen has been for me#beneath the skill and imagination and artistry and understanding of his writing there is something curdled and I can’t ignore it#I don’t think it comes from him necessarily#but he picks up on it and communicates it in his writing just as much as any other truth or reality#anyways on the far off chance he ever sees this Sorry Mr Gaimen. I think you’re a great storyteller.#Maybe a little bit too good of a story teller for comfort.
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in post-ph specifically a really old idea ive had is that linebeck is extremely, extremely possessive of his coat, but if in a situation where he fears he might actually die, he gives it to the person he trusts to save him, or he gives it to someone he cares about that seems to be on the brink of death
#its not permanent unless he dies. which he doesnt in any of the cases of this happening#at the end of the day its like a symbol of his immense trust and respect for the person and a sign that he really thinks hes not making it#bc otherwise you cannot touch that thing. rn i really only have one scenario with this with link damien and bellum each#link’s is the one where hes afraid the other person will die but hes also afraid hes going to die at that moment its a whole thing#other cases are if he thinks he wont be able to get out of smth without it being damaged or if he just wants it to be safe#theres a bit where he has to be separated from the crew for a bit so he preemptively gives it to damien for safekeeping#generally if linebeck hands his coat to someone its a Bad Sign. something is very wrong#bellum is the only one who understands the gravity of it when he first sees it bc like. hes been in linebecks mind he knows the abstract#idea of how protective linebeck is of it. and he has no idea how to feel the first time linebeck gives it to him. its a warm feeling#with damien its a mixture of terrified and dutiful he understands it as being trusted with it and makes sure to keep it safe#he understands what the coat means to linebeck just not on the same visceral level as bellum. link also has a good idea of how much#linebeck cares about his coat but its filtered through being a slightly mischievous kid whos tried getting to it before. when hes actually#given it or sees linebeck hand it off the first (few) times hes really scared and a bit confused until the idea clicks for him#this is an ooooold idea i think its from back when post ph was mostly going to be a 50 chapter thing using a 50 word challenge list#if anyone remembers those. this shit originates from middle school. the olden days. before damien existed#i like linebecks coat being an item tied to his identity its what he wants its something he finds comfort in its something he made himself#salty talks#post-ph#this might carry over a little to some other aus but these situations dont really happen the same was as they might in post ph
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What the fuck it cut off my tags, whatever
I do deserve a treat :( Thank you <3
sorry for ranting, also sorry half the rant was cut off
this is the single worst way i've ever read to describe an erection, frank herbert
#Well see he wrote dune and some young men are super into his work because of it but then they do something stupid like make me read#soul catcher and then complain when I didn't like it right before bitching I couldn't get through helstrom's hive#and like I never want to disparage something that someone I love is super into but oh my god are they dismissive of anything I like or very#superficially lip service encouraging with no actual engagement and then get super pissy that I don't think frank herbert is a genius#But they'll act like I can't have that opinion until I have read whichever books of his that they personally think are good examples#but like no... He's a bad author#sorry#you ever read someone's work and get the sense you would fundamentally disagree as people?#like you would just find them viscerally off putting and they'd have an automatically low opinion of you for no good reason?#and also get the nagging sense that they'd be bad at sex or in a relationship?#Anyway Frank Herbert DNI#Like read the books -I- like before forming your opinions ffs play myst games and then tell me what you actually think of them#stop demanding that I live up to your expectations or wants or engage with you in a one sided way I break up with people for doing that#also when I tell a partner about something I am writing or working on and their first words to me is "oh you should check out _______'s wor#as if to say this person is already doing that and probably doing it better instead of engaging with me over my _own_ ideas as a way to#shut the conversation down and stop having it#makes me want to scream#like if they were just making recommendations based on what I like I wouldn't take it that way#but they do this thing where the more I keep trying to engage over what I am working on the more they just keep repeating#“You should REALLY check out _________” [it's often something by Neil Gaiman or something similar in tone] as a way to shut down#having to continue the interaction that's when it reads like they are telling me to see what the greats have done with the idea#before I bother trying to do something that seems similar to them or try to bother them with it#I feel like that's a pet peeve about young nerdy menTM that only comes up when you are an afab writer#the inherent assumption and attitude that your every idea and project is derivative and not worth engaging with earnestly#and worse they seem to learn from each other that this is HOW you SHOULD respond to your partner sharing their writing ideas with you#to start listing off the talents that have already done something that seems similar... *screaming* I'm sure trans women get it to actually#just anyone socially interpreted as a woman who creates in nerd spaces#well I'm a man now and I don't date so whatever#but a guy doing this to me became a massive red flag because the underlying attitude was always a base level of contempt for me#and inability to see me as a fully intelligent and rational peer
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I am having a moment™ and I need it out of my system before it starts to fester, feel free to ignore this (/gen).
I just realized I've never made any art with my ships interacting like, romantically. Ya know, like, kissing or stuff people usually do when they're in a relationship.
Sure, back in my dA days I've actually drawn one (1) kiss between [undone] and Lord K., but that's pretty much it in terms of PDA. Actually, I think I've drawn more of this stuff for other people, with either their characters and/or self-inserts. But not with mine.
Is it weird? Should I be concerned?
#imposter selshipper syndrome be hitting hard today lads#this came after i got hit by a wave of unbrindled affection towards my wife#so i decided i wanted to draw something cute with her and my monstersona#i was looking at some pics to use as reference. suddendly i started thinking. and boom. it happened.#ok fine i do have some wips to fix this#but that only partially fix the issue#if we can really call it an issue#but like y'all get what i mean??#and it's not even a matter of ''be cringe but be free''. I'm past that.#maybe it's nothing. i hope it's nothing.#yet i can't shake off the feeling that this is something a bit deeper. more visceral even.#vent(?)#echoes from the fog
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Something something the visceral horror GLaDOS must feel after watching Chell for so long, only for her test subject to literally go off the rails and disappear inside of her.
It's such a fantastic reversal of power! In an instant, it changes the genre from Chell's psychological nightmare into Glados's body horror.
This whole time Glados has been creating a psychosexual connection to her lab rat, and now that rat worms its way through her body in a way she can't track.
There's almost an intimacy about the rooms Chell solves being specifically tailored for her to see. They're a dishonest facade, until Chell escapes from the predetermined path and sees what Glados truly is/looks like, and ventures all the way to the heart of her, stripping her bare.
"What if you were a massive mechanical complex and I skittered through your insides and climbed into the heart of your most private and vital organs? And we were both women?"
This too, is Yuri
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