#but regardless of how he has to present himself at times this is his internal worldview

[hesmuchmoreimportant]

Once Upon a Time in Wonderland | Tweedledum + Everything Everywhere All At Once

I know you see yourself as a fighter. I see myself as one, too. This is how I fight.

[leeloooonfire]

based on this post about Steve's internalized bi-phobia:

Steve has known for years.

And how could he not when Tommy's freckles come back tenfold each spring like a flower peaking it's head through the last layer of snow? Or when Matthew Carver's hair have a reddish brown tone that turns blond after they spent the last days before summer break practising outside and remind Steve of liquid gold? Or when he watches Star Wars and Harrison Ford, rugged and witty, comes into view and twists his stomach in knots? How could he not know?!

Steve knows he finds guys as attractive as girls, known for many, many years. But.

But he can't. Not when Tommy sneers at that boy in their literature class who likes flamboyant clothes and wants to be an actor on Broadway. Not when the people they meet in Indi who are like Robin and Eddie 'fully queer' and talk about people like Steve as if they're traitors and scams. Not when he reads the newspaper and is assaulted by Reagan and his folk preaching about the 'fag pandemic' or how his father nods in approval and mutters 'another sinner gone for good' when the news play on TV and they occasionally mention the crisis that kills people like Robin and Eddie and him.

Like him....

It doesn't matter how much he loves sleeping with his nose pressed against Eddie's collarbone or that he thinks he'd like to kiss Eddie and hold his hands and wake up beside him until they're old and wrinkly and complain about bad knees.

He is, but he cannot be a queer, half a fairy '50% like me, 50% like Eddie' as Robin jokes.

He will not be a bisexual, he can keep it inside, keep it hidden, buried deep inside him no matter how much it pains him. He can be the straight friend who goes to pride and bakes rainbow cakes and marries a woman even though his heart screams in an ear ringing cacophony, 'Eddie, Eddie Eddie Eddie!'

This is how his 20s go: loud and hurting and yearning and hiding and more noticeably being disgusted and ashamed of himself for simply being able to love men the way he can love women.

He's 29 when his wife, Becky, leaves him. It's not just Eddie and this shameful secret that weights heavy on their relationship, but the scars and all the other secrets he is unable to explain to her that drive Becky finally away - back to Boston. She leaves him alone in that tiny house they bought three years ago with their Saint Bernard puppy they lovingly named Bernadette.

He's 30 when he goes to a coffee meeting of the bisexual group meeting in Chicago, nearly turning the car multiple times, hands and knees sweaty with fear that they won't want him there. They do want him there, welcome him with open arms, and talk about things Steve knows all too well: 'When I fell in love with the first girl, I ran. I like men just fine, so I hid my crush. It's just easier, when your parents hate gays, when the world is shaming our community, when we're dying.' He finds a second home there, and learns - learns about queerness and bisexuality, about trans and gender non conforming people and physical attraction versus emotional attraction. He learns about his past and present and about his future, about their history and where they want to go, how they want to mold their world to fit people like them into it without the pain and the hiding.

Steve is 33 when he finally comes out to everyone dear to him. To the kids who aren't kids anymore and to Joyce and Hopper, and then his parents. this does not go well, but Steve doesn't want, doesn't need their validation anymore. He has his family, his friends, his support system who love him not regardless of his sexuality but because of it, love him because it's part of him. He comes out to Becky, too and that goes much better. they want to be friends, in the future. She's also met Gary who works the the NY Times and wants her to follow him into the big city. So Steve is looking forward how that goes, their tentative friendship.

He is 34 when Eddie comes back from his latest world tour and wants to take a break to rekindle with his uncle, to write new songs, to take a breather. It's only natural that Eddie moves into Steve's guest room and takes over his space on the couch where he cuddles Bernadette while Steve is in the kitchen and makes them grilled cheese and tomato soup for dinner.

Its even more natural when their feet meet while watching a movie and they lean into each other in the kitchen, dawn barely there, while they wait for the coffee maker to finish.

Steve's 35 when Eddie finally kisses him and he kisses back. No hurt, no shame, no guilt gnawing on him, Steve finally allows himself to be with the person he truly wants - regardless of their gender.

[occamstfs]

Roommates’ Trivial Tiff

Pretty standard nerdy asshole to himbo TF, who doesn't love some cosmic justice ! -Occam

“You just don’t understand what it’s like dude. You have no idea how hard all this stuff is for me.” Brock was struggling to get through to his roommate, someone he has time and time again been more than cordial with. In response Harvey scoffs and rolls his eyes refusing to engage and instead doubling down, “I’m sure it’s real difficult with all your paid tutors and your-” 

“You’re not even listening bro! You like to think you’re so elevated, like you have all the answers but you don’t even try to understand what anyone else is going through.” Harvey grimaces and briefly tosses about whether or not this is true but stubbornly neglects to internalize the criticism, “Uhh, I do too?” Brock bites his tongue to prevent just blowing up at his roommate and instead he tries a different angle, “Oh yeah? If that’s the case then, bet you know a lot about me huh? Since we’ve been roommates for a year now,” pausing as he narrows his eyes briefly at Harvey, “and ostensibly we’re friends right?”

Harvey struggles not to display his ever present irritation as he retorts, “Of course we are, uh, dude.” Brock does a better job hiding his intentions as he issues a challenge, “so if we were to say, quiz each other you think you’d come up on top lil dude?” With this gauntlet laid there is little recourse in Harvey’s mind but to accept it, there are few times he enjoys showing off so much as in a trivia contest. So what he might have a less than pristine record of respecting oafs like his roommate, he is certainly not to lose in any battle of the wits regardless of topic or stipulations there may be.

Brock puts out his hand and states the stakes, “You can of course bow out whenever, but uh, how about every question the winner takes something from the loser?” Harvey was resolved to win before hearing the terms and is now spitefully even more eager now as he eyes Brock’s side of the room looking for whatever his prize is sure to be.

Without any further clarification Brock promptly launches into the game, “I guess we’ll start real easy yeah? Only fair.” Harvey feels resentment start to brew as he feels he’s being talked down to as Brock goes on, “For starters then, What’s my major?” Harvey audibly gulps and feels his face blanche as he scrambles to find such an incredibly simple answer. This is such an obvious and pressing piece of information it would be impossible not to have it on deck.

Seeing the hesitation Brock laughs incredulously, “God dude are you kidding? How could you not know this, I-” He shifts his jaw waiting for the second shoe to drop as it is suddenly clear he is about to clean house, this asshole is going to learn respect by hook or by crook. Harvey’s eyes that were just hungrily looking through Brock’s possessions now retread their path, searching for the answer, his eyes linger on some sports bandages and protein powder and he kicks himself for forgetting. “Well duh dude, you’re doing a sports medicine or a trainer degree or whatever. Sorry that I forgot what the proper name is, it’s not exactly high in the list of things I need to know.”

Brock stares down at the clueless nerd before him and slowly shakes his head. “Not even close Harv. It’s-” Before he can finish though Harvey stands and shouts, “Don’t fucking call me that! I bet you don’t know mine either!” This leaves Brock aghast, he crosses his arms and narrows his eyes, “Of course I fucking do! You never shut up about it! I’m lucky if my headphones can block out you whining about homework while also constantly talking yourself up! It’s so, fucking, annoying!”

Hurt by this despite his typical apathy to others Harvey starts up once more, “Okay but you didn’t say-” “Computer Engineering.” Harvey blushes in shame, not over his disrespect but of getting the question wrong. Suddenly there’s a hum in the room and the shadows in the corner grow darker and Brock looks around, “Well I suppose that question really tees me up on what to take huh? I’ll take your major.”

“Wha?” caught on the other foot Harvey blinks and sees that his textbooks and assignments are suddenly piled on Brock’s desk. He feels anxiety rise in his chest unsure of what has happened though confident this must be a prank or something. “No no no that can’t be right? What is happening?” He then returns to look at his roommate once more, a scowl plastered on his face as Brock who, despite his impressive stature always aims to present as kind and gentle, cannot help but smirk as he feels he has gotten one over on this jerk.

He stretches, exposing his midriff and flexing  his arms behind his head, perhaps to try and allure or intimidate Harvey, he’s not sure, but Harvey is not going to just take this sitting down.Though at the present, he is too uncomfortable to even vocalize his discomfort as he stands there trying not to shake. Instead Brock begins once more, “Urgh kinda see what all that complaining was about now Harv, kinda got a lot on my plate now hah!”

Harvey stares daggers at his roommate, “Brock I don’t know what kind of nonsense is going through your dumbass ox brain. But it’s not funny, I’m sure you’re used to bullying little g-”

“Excuse me? I’m a bully!? I know you’re not saying that, I go out of my way to be kind, even to little chip on their shoulder assholes like you. I just,” Brock takes a deep breath and flexes his jaw before he continues. “It doesn’t matter actually. I trust you have a vested interest in trying again though right? Surely you want your major back?”

At the moment Harvey is caught between the idea that this is some kind of Christmas Carol-ass dream where he’s supposed to learn a lesson or once more that this is just a prank by Brock. Amenable as he’s always been, Harvey's convinced that behind this lunkhead is the vitriol of the typical jerk jock. In this impossible chance that this is reality though, he can’t just give up his major. He needs it to be an, uh? God what was, no what is his major anyway? 

Harvey looks around in shock as he suddenly can’t bring his current course schedule to his mind, but he was literally in class this morning right? He feels his coursework draining from his mind as fear and rage begin to rise in his frail body. Images of lecture halls and professors flash through his mind before they just as swiftly dissipate, somewhere within him deeper than memory he feels that he was studying something with numbers. Mathematics, physics, engineering, something he was good at. He is determined to get that back as he speaks up finally, “What is the next question.”

Brock smiles and toys around in his head, confident that he will end up on top. “How about you pick this one, give you a fighting chance.” Harvey purses his lips and struggles to produce a question that he knows the answer to that his roommate will not. Oh duh, he’ll just ask him a math question, easy! Certainly not the aim of the game but Harvey just needed to get his life back. “What’s a derivative.” 

“Kinda not in the spirit of the game dude but whatever. I took calc you know. It’s the rate of change in response to a variable. Now since you’re still being an ass how about I lob one back? How about you derivative 𝑓(𝑥)= 2cos⁡(𝑥)−6sec⁡(𝑥)+3?” Harvey is flat stunned, this is some entry level shit but he cannot for the life of him bring the information to mind. He’s just as sharp as he always has been but anything beyond rudimentary trig is continuing to trickle out of his mind. He meekly chuckles out, “uh easy, it’s f(x) equals, uh tan-”

There’s a blaring in his head as both men are aware of his immediate slip up. Energy once more rises in the air as Brock looks down almost pitifully at his roommate this time. “Now I am sorry for this Harvey but, oof that course load! Like you so relish to say, I am just not that bright hm?” Harvey shakes his head as he realizes the horror about to occur. Brock looks a little uncomfortable as he continues, “After failing to pull your little gotcha, I think I’ll just go ahead and have your intelligence.” 

Both men are instantly struck with headaches the likes of which neither could endure under normal circumstances. As soon as the pain arrives though it is converted into a deep profane pleasure. Pins and needles fill Brock’s mind as it becomes heavy. Ideas and understanding fill his mind as a euphoric warmth flows through him. Harvey had enjoyed learning without truly lifting a finger, he had flourished and gained knowledge through no effort on his part but simple absorption. Brock is overcome with the ease at which he will now flow through life. Equally is he overcome by the ecstasy within his body as it only continues to heighten.

Opposite him Harvey clutches at his head as now not only do his learned experiences at university vanish, but all of his capabilities as a student and academic. Even the pleading within his mind slows down as he feels his ability to swiftly process information breaks down. Harvey turns from the man across from him as Brock’s hands feel up and down his musculature in rapturous delight, just in time to see whatever books and tomes he had collected as trophies begin to fade into the aether along with his memories of reading them. He looks down at his hands in confusion and horror, even with his unaddled mind at full steam he could not make sense of what has befallen him. He knows this is not right.

He is unable to find any answers, though as he searches his brain he begins to find a pleasant warmth in the vacuum where there once was knowledge. While his mind has been emptied, the bulge in his crotch demands his attention, which shall likely be a constant issue now that his mind shall evermore be less than preoccupied. He feels his mouth start to fill with drool as he looks down at his cock as it almost feels larger than it should be. He almost laughs at the idea that from now on he may fully be thinking with his cock. He opens his mouth allowing drool to spill out which shocks him back to sense and he turns around to demand that Brock return this all to sense immediately.

Brock for his part is reclined in a chair just rubbing his cock over his shorts almost forgetting about what they had been doing not seconds earlier. He laughs as he sees the expression on Harvey’s face, “Woah dude sorry about that, got lost in my own mind for a second there! No wonder you had, or have rather, such an attitude problem. It all just came so easy to you didn’t it? I mean we could keep going if you want, what else do you have to lose yeah?” Harvey wipes the drool from his face and takes stock, he can still read, he is pretty confident he still passed high school, he remembers his life before whatever hell is currently happening as well as whatever this new reality is. He nods his head and pushes his erection down as it continues to rise upon seeing his roommate’s cocky repose. He answers, “let’s keep going. Your question right?”

Harvey can’t help but trace Brock’s traps as he shrugs, “If you insist lil bro. What’s my middle name?” He knows this one for sure, he would bring it out to tease his roommate as needed. Brock slams his arm down in excitement and shouts, “fucking Laurel!” then he recalls this is only half the battle, Brock must also get his wrong, “what’s mine?” Brock smirks once more and laughs as he stretches to scratch his back, his roommate hungrily staring, “you don’t have one dude”

The energy rushing between the two men is drastically different this time. Unlike the pleasurable prickles of knowledge or the soothing burn of loss there is a direct, deeper connection between the two. Brock’s grin grows wider as understands, “Oh I getcha, question’s a tie so we share the spoils Harv. Only fair that since you’ve the mind of a what, meathead? May as well have the body of one.”

Harvey watches as his roommate takes off his shirt, he feels a warmth in his chest as he stares directly at Brock’s pecs. His breath catches as he watches his roommate flex them and he feels a nervous energy begin to surge within his own. He’s never had pecs before but he feels his chest pushing, growing, into his shirt. He sees his nipples harden and grow too large to ever hide as his chest expands. His swallows to stop from drooling once more as he sees Brock pose and flex his massive biceps, forcing a burning delight down the whole of Harvey’s arms. He matches the pose of the powerful man he has spoken nothing but ill of and flexes, sweat immediately staining through his shirt as the energy and strain heats his body beyond reason.

At the same time both men drop into a crunch, there is a loud tear as the pants of both men tear as they reach the lowest point in the crunch as Harvey’s ass bursts larger and his thighs swell with strength well enough to carry his increasingly top heavy torso. Not only is Harvey to gain the muscle of a tight jock, but the masculinity expected. The cock he has been til now proud enough of pulses with his heartbeat, with each pump it gorges larger, veins thick as the ones surging down his biceps force his cock thicker and further down his strained shorts. He tears at his pants to free his bulge as his balls bloat to the size of eggs, they pull tight ass they’re exposed to the air and all the soreness, strain, and pain of his still growing body becomes agonizing delight.

Harvey’s eyes water as he struggles to even stay cogent with the pleasure and power coursing through him. He smells his new musk breaking through his senses. Through the burning bedlam across his body he feels a soothing burn as hair begins to sprout and thicken where every man should make clear his masculinity. His pubes thicken and curl beyond his waistline and his pits grow wild and begin to spread to make it clear they, nor his musk, can ever be contained.

He lies, sits, writhes, flexes, exists in nothing but pleasure for some time, no longer concerned for his lost intelligence, beyond the care of his education. His hands, larger and painted with still thickening hair, press tight against his body as he feels the new contours of his body. Each new valley and mountain is a testament to the ecstasy he shall now prioritize above all. Until his roommate’s voice breaks through the haze, “Fuck bro you’re really feeling yourself huh?” Harvey’s eyes open to see Brock’s arrogant sneer has only grown worse as he has contendly watch Harvey lavish his new corpus.

Harvey meets it with a scowl and Brock tilts his head, “Want to do one last question then, bro?” His smile grows tight as he tries not to laugh as the appellation of bro has become the paramount definition of this once genius. Harvey just nods his head, still understandably disoriented as he lies in a pool of his own sweat and pre that remains dripping directly onto the floor. Brock motions for him to ask whatever the presumably final question is but is met with a grunt and a wave of the hand. Brock grimaces slightly, “if you insist bud,” he grimaces slightly as he looks down at the man. Asshole he may have be, may still be even, surely there’s something Brock could do to fix even that. He leans to whisper the question in Harvey’s ear, “what color are my eyes.” 

Between grunts, Harvey strains to look at his roommate only to find them obviously closed. His body contorts with pain and pleasure as he feels the throes of defeat and one final lose begin to seize him. He groans out through clenched teeth as his jaw widens and his brows thicken as changes already begin to work upon his mind, “don’t… know…” Brock nods and sits next to his roommate laying Harvey’s head on his lap. At the point it would be a kindness for the man to forget his life before, and that is exactly what he is to do. 

Brock removes the memories and identity of the sour nerd that made life perpetually unpleasant not only for him, but anyone unlucky enough to grace his presence. His breathing speeds up as his body heat rises beyond imagination, sweat turning to steam in the cold dorm room as he shakes his head and clenches his fists. He writhes only briefly, each flex of his body a final protestation of Harvey as Brock erases even his name from his head. 

After a minute of this his body goes still before he opens his eyes blearily and groans. Still lying in Brock’s lap he stretches his arms, turning to smell his impossibly rank pits before turning it into a flex as he must do anytime he raises them. Brock watches this with trepidation, unsure of who exactly his roommate is to be now before suddenly a name surges into his mind, Bull. Perfect fodder for the jerk he once was and an apt name for the behemoth lying on his lap. Testing the waters Brock pats his chest to wake him up, “Morning Bull.”

He yawns and scratches at the same stubbled face he has always known and he sits up, “urgh got a massive headache bro, must have gone pretty hard to have a hangover this bad huhuh! Wanna go grab brekkie and hit up the gym?” Brock stifles a smirk and helps his roommate up to standing, slightly surprised to see him standing taller than himself before responding, “You got it big guy, how about you get some clothes on first though right?” Bull guffaws, looking down at his hairy sweat-drenched body as he throws an arm around his roommate, cock bobbing around in the open air, still chubbed up. “What would I do without you bro huhuh!” 

Brock looks to see all of Bull’s tops have changed to stringers and tanks. Where Harvey had nothing but pants Bull has piles of unwashed athletic shorts, one of which he promptly throws on, going commando. Seeing Brock watch him, Bull grabs at his crotch and juts at the door, “Come on bro! Faster we get a pump in faster we can get back here and have some fun dude.” 

With that Bull again throws his arm around Brock, once more smelling his b.o. as he almost deliberately spreads it on his roommate’s neck, like an animal marking its territory. The two then off to start their day, in Bull’s mind as they always have. Brock feels his crotch grow weightier as the amble down the hall, unsure if he’s made a horrible mistake in all this. Who is he to say what is too far in acts of cosmic retribution. Brock is certain at the end of the day he and Bull are at least to have quite a bit of fun.

[hxzbinwrites]

Vox x Emotionless! Reader | Ignorant In Love

(Lovestruck Part 2)

Warnings ⚠️: Cussing, Violence, Vox being annoying

————

4:30am

Vox woke up, yelping as he sprung out of bed. Not a great decision for his sore back as his clawed hand immediately went to brace it. Groaning, his eyes fluttered, attempting to recall what got him in such a tizzy waking up

Right. Another dream.

Vox had been, haunted, by that humiliating event last week. Even more so that he finally realize how incredibly enamored he was with her.

His screen flushing red at this realization of his current situation, Vox decided to rise out of bed. What good was sulking going to do?

Since that day, (Y/n) hadn’t smiled once more at him. Oh how he craves it. Vox acts like he doesn’t care, but he’s aching for another fix. Another high of seeing that smile. He would do anything and everything just to experience that euphoria one last time, just one drop of it.

Getting dressed for the day, Vox was looking at his bow tie collection, seeking out one of his favorite ties before realizing it had been ruined from the coffee.

Frustrated, he grabbed a random one from the pile, not really thinking too much about it as he put it on.

He stomped out of his quarters, his heels dramatically clacking against the floor as he made his way to his office. It was far too early in the morning for anyone to be active, too late for Val to be doing work (at least IN the office, and not at the club), so the quite walk gave his ever-running mind more time to think

What the hell has gotten into him?! He’s a VEE, THE VEE. If anything, this is woman should be loosing sleep and foaming over him!

‘That’s what I like most though’, He thought to himself,’She’s real. She doesn’t tell me just what I want to hear, or cause problems for me, she’s just…her, and she simply does it best.’

His internal conflicts were brought to an end once he finally sat down in his chair. Cracking his sore, aching joints, before booting up his monitor system.

————

8:30am

(Y/n)‘s heels clacked against the tiled floors, making her way to her desk. Her desk was one of those circular desks that curved around the middle and touched both sides of the wall. There was a small door on the side that she could enter from, but it blended in seamlessly with the black desk, so it would be hard for someone who didn’t work here on a daily to find.

Once she entered her cubicle-like desk, she logged onto her monitor, clocking in. 8:30am sharp, as always. She began to work on her boss’s meetings, but her eye caught a certain one for today “errand.”

This caught her eye, as Vox always made her run errands during work hours. Mostly for coffee, but she’s ran to the convenience store in the lobby for strange things as well.

“Hmm” she mumbled, before printing off the schedule regardless and putting it in her folder for later at 10.

That was her routine, print off the original schedule for the day, present it to him at 10, and if edits are needed, she’d come back and re-arrange some things, and repeat the process until it was to his liking.

(Y/n)‘s hardest part of the job was the PR portion of it. Normally, it’s for the PR team, but they got sick of the Vees tantrums and the entire department up and quit. Now, (Y/n) handles Vox’s PR, Velvette’s assistant handles hers, and Vox handles Valentino’s himself.

Speaking of PR, she was in for a doozy today. Last Friday, when the coffee incident took place, apparently Vox said some…choice words…to the Radio Demon, and Alastor relayed that information back to his listeners on his radio show.

Sighing, (Y/n) began typing a public rebuttal, going for the “deny and victim blame” strategy, as Velvette called it.

‘Why does Vox have to act so…stupid’ (Y/n) thought, her stoic face staying steady as her fingers flew across the keyboard,’For someone so smart, he sure acts dumb. Maybe he should just be a model for Velvette instead, he’s sure got the looks for it, but he doesn’t have the social skills for a public viewpoint like this-‘

“(Y/N). MY OFFICE. IMMEDIATELY.” Vox yelled.

Her eyes flicker up from her monitor, which was now adorned with two clawed hands gripping the top of it. Vox was leaning over it, his tall, slender frame allowing his screened face to intrude (Y/n)’s personal space, but it’s not like that hasn’t been done the before the weekend.

Locking eyes, he saw the flick of emotion run through her, he almost for a moment let his anger go, almost. He could hear her mumbling those things about him. About how “stupid” he was, his “dumb actions….how “he’s got the looks”….never mind that last part.

“Sir..?” She said, her face immediately turning back cold. Ah, there it goes again, fleeting like time itself.

“Don’t sir me,” Vox said, shoving the monitor who knows where. He crawled on the desk towards (Y/n), before grabbing her chin, pulling her towards him. The force from his arm made it where she was on her feet, but she was now hovering over her chair. Vox cocked his head at her, narrowing his eyes and he whispered towards her.

“I heard you mumbling about me over there. Insubordination will not be…tolerated, at this company. If you want to keep this job, and your soul, I suggest you meet me in my office.”

He let go of her chin, before sliding back off of her desk, and walking towards his office. Vox’s hands were clasped behind his back, as he glanced over his shoulder one last time to look if she was following him.

(Y/n) got up and started walking behind him, her face not giving away any emotion.

‘DAMN IT.’ He thought, his mood growing worse,’That whole little stunt was just to get a rise out of her. To get something!’

————

10:00am

Once they arrived in his office, the door slammed shut behind them. Vox’s electrical bolt from his fingertip locked the door, as he walked towards his chair, took a seat, and swiveled it around to see an unamused (Y/n) awaiting his words.

“So, (Y/n)” He started, his claws tapping against one another, “Would you like to repeat, word for word, what you were mumbling about me, or should I repeat it for you?”

“Okay, I asked myself why you acted so stupid. Your actions are ignorant and your social skills need heavy improvement.” (Y/n) said,”also, for your schedule today you have a meeting at-“

“No no no sugar.” Vox said, smirking as he crossed his legs,”Tell me everything you said.”

“I did” She lied, standing her ground.

“Ah, so Im not good enough to be a model anymore? That’s a shame, I would’ve loved to give you a show, but alas.” He sneered, trying to desperately to get a reaction out of her, but failing miserably.

“Ah, a shame indeed.” She said, deadpanned,”Now, todays schedule consists of one meeting with Valentino at 7:30pm and during your 3:30 slot all it says is ‘Errand’? Sir, I’m confused about that portion, don’t I normally run your errands..?”

Vox gritted his teeth, his hand now clenching the sides of his chair. This was getting ridiculous, no emotions out of this one. God, he should just pour an entire mountain of coffee on himself, muck up his PC and everything just to see her smile.

“I was originally planning to get my clothes back from the dry cleaners myself, but I see that as punishment enough for today. Do it and get out of my office.”

“A-Alright sir.” (Y/n) said. They locked eyes, and Vox immediately regretted pushing so far for a reaction. Her eyes showed hurt in them.

Vox couldn’t bring himself to say anything, his face contorted with many emotions. One side of him was over the moon, he made her show something! The other side was in immense regret, he didn’t want to hurt her, that was by far from the plan.

Once she left the office, he started throwing monitors again in frustration.

————

10:30am

(Y/n) didn’t even return to her desk, instead opting for a little stroll down to the convenience store down in the lobby. She picked up a drink and a candy bar to take back to her desk as a little pick me up

Well, she attempted to go back to her desk, she ended up just going to a secluded corner in the building, only adorned by a lonely bench, a plant, and a security camera in the hallway.

(Y/n) sat there on the bench, sighing from stress and she took a chunk of her candy bar.

Sitting there, she replayed the interaction in her mind once more. The way he was so, powerful, it made her cheeks dust pink, with equal parts admiration and humiliation as she smiled to herself, lowering her head. She softly chuckled before taking her wrapper of her snack and going to seek out a trash can.

Little did she know that Vox was watching her every move on his monitor, stalking every security camera that tipped off her motion. He was nearly short circuiting at her little smile. Vox noticed how her shoulders bounced as she chucked slightly. He really wished he could just call her into his office, but it was already time for her to pick up his dry cleaning. Sighing to himself, he adjusted his bow tie.

Out of his entire collection, he just had to pick the most irritating one out of all of them. It was entirely too tight and the material was so unpleasant.

Sighing, he just untied it and threw it on his desk, reveling a small sliver of his skin beneath it.

————

3:45pm

“I’m here to pick up Vox’s clothes.” (Y/n) said, making the worker scramble to go retrieve the Overlord’s clothes.

“H-Here you go ma’am! Do you mind checking to see if everything is in there? We don’t want to forget any article of our valuable costumer’s clothing!”

“Sure” She replied with her signature neutral expression, opening up the box of neatly folded clothes to see his entire wardrobe from that day, except something was missing…a key part of his ensemble.

“Ah, where is his bow tie?”

“Oh, did he not tell you? We had to return it to him, the fabric of it was too thin, it would’ve burnt up in the dryer.”

“Oh, well thank you.” (Y/n) said,”everything looks like it’s in order.”

“Have a good day!” The worker said, earning a nod from (Y/n) as she walked out of the dry cleaners.

‘He wore that bow tie often’ (Y/n) thought to herself,’ Maybe since I pissed him off earlier today, I can get him another to make it up to him.’

She strolled by the clothing district before entering the tailors shop, browsing the different selection of items for a while before the clerk cleared his throat.

“Ma’am, is there something I can help you with?”

“Ah yes, I’m looking for a bow tie with a certain fabric to it. It’s rather thin, I need a replacement.”

“You? A replacement?” The man chuckled, looking over at her,”I think I know which one you’re talking about, but I dare say I don’t think you’re in the tax bracket to be purchasing that.”

“I’ll purchase what I please.” (Y/n) retorted, her dead eyes looking into the man’s cocky ones

“Oh really? And who is this for?”

“Vox.”

The man started howling in laughter,”YOU?! FOR THE TECH OVERLORD?? OH PLEASE I-“

(Y/n) briskly walked over and slammed the man’s head down on the table.

“Yes. I suggest you make it quick due to your little interruption.”

“And why should I?”

(Y/n) gripped him by the hair, making his eyes meet hers,”Vox is my boyfriend, and so help me I’ll let him tear you limb from limb just because I said pretty please, now fucking do it.”

“Y-Yes ma’am.” He said, as she let go of his hair, he scrambled to the back room to give her a lavish tie. Instead of the navy blue one he had previously, it was near black with bright blue strips adorning the sides of the fabric where it curved in on itself.

“Hmm, this will do.” (Y/n) said, snatching the box before walking away.

“W-Wait, aren’t you going to pay?”

“Pay? You should be dead where you stand for messing with me today. This is your pay.”

And with that, she walked out of the store, leaving the man shocked.

————

8:00pm

Walking into Vox’s office, (Y/n) looked around to see Vox nowhere in sight.

“Ah right,” (Y/n) muttered to herself, despite the fact that very action got her in a tight situation with her boss earlier that day,”Meeting with Valentino. I’ll just set his stuff down here.”

(Y/n) looked around once more, before setting his clothes neatly on the desk. Patting it down to remove it of any lint that couldn’t accrued on the bag, before setting the nicely wrapped gift atop of it, adorning it with a letter signed to him.

————

9:00pm

Vox groggily walked back into his office, after his “productive” meeting with Valentino on his public image. Not a word went to that moth’s head. One ear and out the freaking other.

He closed his eyes, plopping down unceremoniously into his chair, not even bothering for the brooding dramatics this time.

Rubbing his eyes, he really contemplated calling it quits early tonight. But alas, Vox never does, that’s the mantra of a workaholic.

His digital eyes fluttering open once more, he gazed upon the clothes neatly laid there for him. Smiling he looked at it before his smile turned into confusion. Why was there a box? Wrapped with a ribbon…?

He slowly and gently grabbed onto the small box, unwrapping it like an inpatient child on Christmas morning, only to reveal a new bow tie, the one he ached for the entire day.

This one was nicer though, how she scrounged up some money to “buy it”, he didn’t know, but he was eternally grateful.

His eye caught the letter that was now sitting beside where the box was, it fell off when Vox took the box. He held the envelope and slit the seal with his claw like a letter opener.

“Dear Vox,

I sincerely apologize for this morning. I was out of line. I just don’t really know how to process everything. I feel like you’d understand being mechanical and all, but I don’t know how to process emotion.

Normally, I feel nothing towards anyone, but there’s something weird going on. This strangely warm feeling in my chest and my face, I feel clammy around you, and you specifically.

Feel free to ignore this, but here’s my number. Contact me if you are willing to help my predicament. Enjoy the gift regardless, you deserve it. Also, stop coming to work at 5 in the morning. You’re not sneaky, I see when you’ve clocked in on your schedule.

-(Y/n) (L/n)”

Vox was beaming, a pure genuine smile. He might be a lovestruck fool, but she’s ignorantly in love.

————

Word Count: 2,540

(Part 3?)

TAGLIST

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@chocolat3pudding

@yellowsubiesdance

[piracytheorist]

This is a thing that was a little hard to explain without showing a video example, and it's hard to explain in general, but there's something astonishingly brilliant with how Takuya Eguchi, Twilight's voice actor, uses different timbres of his voice for the character, depending on what mask he's wearing - and the selectively few times he might not have been wearing a mask.

I love this scene for many reasons, and one of them is how they handled the usage of the character's voice. As Twilight, his voice is a little more sharp, and in a low register (sounds deeper). As Loid, it's a little softer, and in a high register (sounds higher) - which he may use purposefully to make himself seem friendlier; think about how you may raise the pitch of your voice whenever you meet someone new, and then slowly drop it to your usual pitch when you get a little more comfortable with them.

And then, in this scene, there's a third voice he uses, and in front of Yor too. It's soft, like Loid's, but also in a slightly lower register that's closer to Twilight's. If you notice, when he speaks to Yor so openly, it's that soft and low voice. When he has his internal monologue, it switches to a sharper timbre. He says "You're strong, Yor" in that third voice, and then turns to his usual higher-pitched voice when he continues, as he's now stopped being so vulnerable and swapped the attention back to Yor.

I'm going to hazard a guess that this may be his real voice, the voice of the man behind it all. We know "Twilight" and "Loid" are masks, regardless of what he thinks of them, so it makes sense that the voices he uses to present those masks with would be used and chosen consciously, and thus sounding different than the voice he'd use if he could be open, honest and vulnerable.

[queenie-avenue]

How do yanderes react to receiving a scarf knitted by a reader?

Knitted with love.

💌 ⤻ ft. ALL THE YANDERES

—> your gifts are only for them.

⤻ reader is gender neutral, typical yandere behaviour, possessive behaviour, obsessive behaviour, soft yandere, mentions of kidnapping (mafia boss), mentions of stealing (the baseball player)

note: i was too lazy to link all of the yanderes, especially since i have so many now, so i will just link my archives when i do joint posts.

💌 ⤻ THE CEO, ADRIAN HOUDE

— He would absolutely be ecstatic but also torn about it. He wants to keep the sweater all to himself, but he also wants to show it off to the world and demand that the scarf be mass-produced and sold in stores. It's a very challenging decision to make, but he eventually decides to keep the scarf all to himself. He is — as he calls himself — a selfish bastard, after all.

— However, despite his internal struggle, he would keep a cool expression and thank you sincerely and compliment your hard work.

— Would gift something as a thank you, probably something designer. Or would just look at the shopping history on your laptop and buy something from there. Or buy all, black cards exist for a reason!

💌 ⤻ THE CHEERLEADER, KATIE WILLIAMS

— Would gush about it loudly about the fact you were so sweet to present them with a gift! Aw, sweet little you! Katie would hug, kiss and gab all over your form.

— Extremely territorial over the scarf, will not let anyone touch it.

— Sets a trend in the University you're at, where partners gift each other scarves.

💌 ⤻ THE BASEBALL PLAYER, JESPER HARGREAVES

— Oddly enough, he would sniff it first. Then he would utterly melt into it, thanking you profusely by holding you so tight it felt like he might choke you to death.

— Will wear it regardless of the weather. Even if it's sweltering hot and he is sweating bullets. You'll probably have to make something more summer-themed to get him to take off the bloody thing.

— Will beg for more handmade goods from you and will “borrow” the things you made for other people.

💌 ⤻ THE ACADEMIC RIVAL, SEO MIN-JUN

— Will not accept it at first. Will try to accuse you of trying to get close to him because of his family and wealth. If you persist, he will throw it into the bin in front of everyone just to humiliate you further.

— While patrolling the rounds of the school, he will go back to where he threw it and dumpster dive just to get it back. Look at how obsessed you made him, you have to take responsibility for that.

— The next day, an anonymous person has given you expensive chocolates. You realise that Min-Jun is carefully staring to see your reaction to it.

💌 ⤻ THE BARISTA, AKIMITSU MINORU

— Is shocked when you do so but immediately accepts and tells you you shouldn't work so hard next time.

— Offers you a cup of coffee as a thank you.

— Very reserved about it but from that moment on, he's always wearing the scarf. But not in ways you would expect. Sometimes it's hooked onto his waist, somethings around his neck — like how it's supposed to be worn — and sometimes just displayed in the coffee shop like some kind of trophy.

— Would convince you into only giving these sort of gifts to him.

💌 ⤻ THE COVER, VALERIO MARCHETTI

— Your habit of knitting started when you were bored and Valerio gave you something to play with. A knitting set, fitting for someone like you. He made sure to give you those blunt materials though, wouldn't want you escaping!

— Was shocked when you gave it to him. Probably sent it to get it checked for poison.

— Even after making sure it's not poisonous, he doesn't wear it. He simply leaves it with you.

— He isn't exactly obsessed (in this part yet), but he certainly is intrigued by you, would wear the scarf just to see your reaction.

💌 ⤻ THE MAFIA BOSS, VITTORIA CONSTANZO

— Utterly ecstatic at the prospect of you doing such a thing for her. It means you're slowly forgiving her, right?

— Will keep the scarf and use it as inspiration for her next collection of dresses, all using yarn. Will make a special dress just for you to wear out of yarn, just like you've done for her.

— You'll probably get more time without your restraints after this, she trusts you a bit more now and will give you a bit more freedom.

[nutzgunray-lvt]

I will FOREVER be salty about how Hori paints his characters with valid criticisms against the status quo as in the wrong:

Monoma - hates Bakugou, therefore hates 1A by association and is painted out to be some over the top arrogant asshole who freaks out every time they so much as breath (Monoma's not my favorite, but he's 100% right when it comes to Bakugou).

Rock Lock - doesn't want the first years (maybe also the third years, idk?) involved in the Shie Hassaikai raid due to how dangerous it is and due to having recently had a newborn son, is painted as someone who's being overprotective and unfair to these heroes in training.

Inko - isn't comfortable with Izuku continuing at UA after the Forest Camp Attack, is painted as being overprotective (I have my issues with Inko, but she had an incredibly valid point here).

The media - rightfully criticizes UA's utter inability to protect their students and reign in Bakugou's behavior (the hill I will die on), is painted as trying to unfairly persecute UA/Aizawa.

Present Mic - uses common sense to deduce that there's a traitor in UA's midst, is portrayed as being a shit stirrer who's quick to distrust his colleagues and students (another hill I'll die on).

Gran Torino (a minor one) - calls Aizawa's high expulsion rate as what it is: nasty (showing that even he has standards), is immediately corrected by Present Mic that the expulsions are "only on paper" and Aizawa truly cares deep down (which actually makes it WORSE since it stays on their permanent records regardless).

Other students taking the Provisional Exam - call out Bakugou for being an obnoxious asshole, are immediately painted as "not understanding how hard he works."

Pro Heroes and Present Mic - call out Bakugou for not taking Ochako seriously in the Sports Festival, are told to RETIRE for not understanding how Bakugou clearly works harder than anybody else to be a hero (but then Bakugou proceeds to get the second highest amount of internship offers, so idk what the fuck point Horikoshi was trying to make here).

Vlad King is a weird one because while his one-sided rivalry with Aizawa/1A is obnoxious and unprofessional, he IS a better teacher than Aizawa is and it's a point not focused on aside from an off hand comment by Aizawa. You'd think this would make him examine whether or not his beliefs are truly benefiting his students or have Nedzu call him up and say, "what's up with your class consistently underperforming against 1B?"

Best Jeanist is perhaps the ONLY Pro-Hero to see Bakugou's behavior for what it is and takes him as an intern to rectify it... but proceeds to focus on all the wrong things (his style being the main one) and not really get to the core of his goal.

Society as a whole doesn't trust heroes for a myriad of reasons (some unreasonably, some for extremely valid reasons) and are painted as being unfair and incredibly biased against heroes as a whole.

Izuku leaves UA due to AFO having Ragdoll's Quirk, is essentially ganged up on and beaten/shamed into submission by Class 1A who completely disregard his POV (I don't agree with him putting himself in this position, I'm just pointing how it makes sense narratively).

Me, trying to make sense of all of this -

Like... how is your story supposed to be nuanced and your characters three-dimensional if you paint the complainer as always in the wrong?

[baeshijima]

there’s an undeniable serenity which follows your voice. how it traverses within the room’s dome-like structure, reverberating through the surrounding space before ultimately touching the hearts and souls of those who hear your solo piece. it captivates and impassions, an underlying force woven beneath layers of harmonies forged under years of dedication holding one’s attention as they await in baited breath for the forthcoming emotions which swirl and soar at the mercy of your voice.

having never missed one of your performances to date, neuvillette believes he would know this best.

in his life, he has found there are many difficulties which arise when overseeing trials of various levels of severity — some being a life-defining case whereas others may delve into a more… menial aspect of things.

(“to bring some entertainment for once!” …is what he would usually hear in response to his unvoiced thoughts before having to reprimand a certain archon for levity in the court.)

but in spite of the blurred lines between professionalism and public entertainment, neuvillette finds himself at ease once he steps into the grand hall, finding his seat as stated on his ticket, waiting patiently as the chatters die down the moment the lights dim and the curtains draw, watching in content as vocals and instrumentals resound until the lights dim once more to signify the end of the opera.

amidst his day-to-day life, he has come to anticipate the dates which mark your performances.

ever since he first started attending, he has discovered that when sitting amongst the crowd enjoying your voice and performance, he is neither the iduex nor the chief justice of fontaine; he is simply neuvillette — a man who finds peace and respite in your presence, regardless of how near or far you may be from him.

he claps just as everyone else does, watching as you stoop into a bow on centre stage once the final note dissipates into the air where rounds of applause take over. there’s an ever-present smile stretching your lips, the corners of your eyes crinkling as you wave to the crowd surrounding him.

neuvillette recognises this expression as one you’d wear after a performance you deem satisfactory and finds his heart fluttering at the glow in your expression. (your smile doesn’t reach your eyes if you think it is anything less, despite his internal thoughts believing otherwise.)

he remains seated as the orchestra begins to arise and gather their instruments, as the conductor steps down from their podium, as the singers line up and shuffle off stage, as you turn and take your leave in close pursuit.

he glances at the bouquet settled atop his lap. oddly enough, the colours he chose coordinate with your attire, and he cannot help but to think this is some twist of fate playing with his convictions.

no matter, he thinks to himself as he rises from his seat, the bouquet cradled within his hold. with brisk steps, he makes his way past the crowd. it’s easier once people step away the moment they identify him and opt to gawk at his presence, allowing an easy passage for a quick escape.

it is not much later when he finds himself walking down a familiar hallway, the bright lights illuminating the name plaques hanging on the dressing room doors. his feet naturally come to a stop in front of a dressing room six doors down, the words [name] [last name] neatly engraved into the stainless steel nailed to the door.

his eyes trace over your name a few times, the flowers in his hand seemingly heavier than they were mere moments prior.

perhaps this time…

neuvillette attempts to push back the lump lodged within his throat. there’s a slight trepidation which hangs overhead as he gently raises a fist to your dressing room door, one which is all-too familiar in the way he hesitates and rethinks his actions over and over when in regards to you.

he stops before his knuckles touch the door. before he knows it he falls back into his usual routine: place the bouquet in front of your dressing room door, gently knock three times, turn and walk down the hall, disappearing before you can see him loitering around and make the connection of him being the anonymous bouquet gifter after each performance.

rounding a corner, neuvillette comes to a halt. with a glance over his shoulder he watches you peek your head out the door, looking around the hall in search of who knocked. when you take note of the bouquet he left, he fights back a smile of his own when you beam and thumb at the petals as he wills himself to turn and resume his exit.

perhaps after your next performance he will finally gather the resolve to speak to you.

if you enjoyed this, then reblogs with/or comments are greatly appreciated !! <33

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[jaynovz]

In discussions about the finale of Black Sails, one of the things I often see is folks hard-focusing on Flint's fate, in an either-or binary fashion, usually presented as "Which do you believe-- that Silver killed him? or sent him to the plantation?"

Now, for posterity's sake, gonna mention a few things-- first off, that's simply not thinking broadly enough. There are farrrr more than two options here and I've come up with my share of the reallyyyyy bad ones for sure. Whatever your mind chooses, none of those are happy endings anyway, there are bittersweet, bad, and worse endings all the way down. (They are paused, they are in a time loop, and also all endings and no endings are happening simultaneously)

But also, the more cogent point is that, it doesn't actually matter what happened *to Flint* The story is... not actually about him at that point. We have transitioned from Flint as protag to Silver as protag, setting up for (the fanfiction that Black Sails has ended up making of, ugh, king shit) Treasure Island.

And so, I just, don't find it to be of particular interest exploring what we think Flint is actually doing or if he's alive for real. What is EXTREMELY interesting to explore though is how Silver's speech at the end to Madi is sort of giving Thomas back to Flint as a pacifier/comfort object, but how... Silver is giving Flint that thing in his own mind as his own type of pacifier/comfort object.

That's the REALLY chewy bit. What actually happens to Flint is not the purpose of that scene for me, of Silver's recounting of events to Madi. It's more about... projection. It's about how Silver is dealing with whatever happened to Flint/whatever he did.

And I just feel like it's missing the point to focus so hard on if Flint is alive or not.

He is the ghost of the story regardless, that's what's important. He's going to haunt the narrative for the rest of everyone's lives. No one has been untouched or unscarred by coming into contact with Captain Flint; he has a forever legacy. I'm not the first to call him this, but he's Schr��dinger's Flint and he's staying that way.

But this?

"No. I did not kill Captain Flint. I unmade him. The man you know could never let go of his war. For if he were to exclude it from himself, he would not be able to understand himself. So I had to return him to an earlier state of being. One in which he could function without the war. Without the violence. Without us. Captain Flint was born out of great tragedy. I found a way to reach into the past... and undo it. There is a place near Savannah... where men unjustly imprisoned in England are sent in secret. An internment far more humane, but no less secure. Men who enter these gates never leave them. To the rest of the world, they simply cease to be. He resisted... at first. But then I told him what else I had heard about this place. I was told prominent families amongst London society made use of it. I was told the governor in Carolina made use of it. So I sent a man to find out if they'd used it to hide away one particular prisoner. He returned with news. Thomas Hamilton was there. He disbelieved me. He continued to resist. And corralling him took great effort. But the closer we got to Savannah, his resistance began to diminish. I couldn't say why. I wasn't expecting it. Perhaps he'd finally reached the limits of his physical ability to fight. Or perhaps as the promise of seeing Thomas got closer... he grew more comfortable letting go of this man he created in response to his loss. The man whose mind I had come to know so well... whose mind I'd in some ways incorporated into my own. It was a strange experience to see something from it... so unexpected. I choose to believe it... because it wasn't the man I had come to know at all... but one who existed beforehand... waking from a long... and terrible nightmare. Reorienting to the daylight... and the world as it existed before he first closed his eyes... letting the memory of the nightmare fade away. You may think what you want of me. I will draw comfort in the knowledge that you're alive to think it. But I'm not the villain you fear I am. I'm not him."

This is the speech of a man who is self-soothing, who is spinning himself a tale, who is projecting, who is coping.

and THAT is just, way chewier, innit?

[the-ineffable-dance]

A Companion to Owls is my favorite of the minisodes. Possibly my favorite story in the whole show. But more than it being just good fun and visually amazing, (plus, it gives us Bildad the Shuhite, I mean, come on..)

Job's story, really, is the beginning of "our side."

Before the Job story, Aziraphale and Crowley of course know each other, but I think it's still been a bit of feeling each other out. No one has really put themselves out where they could get into trouble. There's the chat on the walls of Eden, and then again at the Flood. In both of those, Crowley does a little pushing of Aziraphale's boundaries, but Aziraphale, regardless of his internal struggle, outwardly toes the party line... Heaven's plans, no matter how they might look, are in fact ineffable.

In Job, we see for the first time that they are beginning to really see each other. Aziraphale knows that Crowley doesn't want to kill off Job's goats or his children.

Though, of course, he's got to be a little smug about it.

And even when Crowley puts that to the test when he's setting the house on fire, Aziraphale remains confident in Crowley's innate goodness. And is again proven right when Crowley miracles them all into the cellar.

Crowley, for his part, knows that Aziraphale is starting to question the ineffable plan. God and Satan making bets, letting Job be tormented by demons, killing children... he sees the questions that Aziraphale is starting to have, and eases the path for him by being receptive to those questions.

Here we also have the start of Aziraphale's hedonism and love of human things. He's not quite ready to take the step of drinking alcohol, but he does accept Crowley's temptation to eating... and realizes that he's starving. It's his first bite in his entire existence, and he eats an entire ox! It's a small step from there to other things that we see him loving in the present... wine, music, books, clothes (I'm looking at you, 1793), all the things the other angels look down on him for, and Crowley probably introduced him to.

In 1941, they have the exchange, "You told me to trust you." "And you did." But I think that we have that here, too... for the very first time. When Sitis and Job are told that their children are dead, Aziraphale and Crowley put on quite the show with their cobbler/midwife and angel straight man performance. It's actually quite impressive... every time one of them leans on the other to keep up the charade, the other obliges...

It's important to remember just how dangerous this dance is for both of them. First of all, Crowley could not be in a worse place. Not only is there a host of angels here, Gabriel the Supreme Archangel is in the lead. To find a demon here, interfering in the ineffable plan, would certainly end in a smiting. His cleverness and the trust of Aziraphale are the only things that keep him one step ahead.

Secondly, Aziraphale himself is in great danger. Not only has he been collaborating with a demon, tempted into eating, and so on, but he is lying to Gabriel's face. We've seen him lie before. Most memorably to God when she asked where his sword went. But those were little white lies, with few ramifications. "These are his new children" is a direct contradiction to what the Plan is. He is for the first time, turning from the Heavenly Plan, and instead throwing in his lot with Crowley.

Which brings me to my final point...

Aziraphale is terrified of falling. But he was willing to do it to save the children. And that is something that means a lot to Crowley. When he realizes that Aziraphale thinks he's already fallen, he does tease him a little bit, but more importantly, he is soft and kind, talking him through this huge change in worldview.

The most touching moment is when Crowley admits that this path he is walking and Aziraphale now finds himself on is lonely. Crowley has been feeling it since the Garden... but now, it will be less lonely. Aziraphale doesn't have to face it alone, because Crowley will be there, too. Now, they have "us."

[theeternalwombtarot]

wounded feminine energy vs wounded masculine energy:

Wounded feminine will struggle primarily with feelings of unworthiness that will present itself in a lot of different ways but wounded feminine energy may include things like:

issues with control and manipulation : stepping outside of her feminine energy and her home energy of recieving and trying to push and pull things into fruition or to go in the direction she sees fit and often for personal gain. This may present in her relationships with others, manipulating her friends, manipulating her partners, manipulating strangers. May be dishonest, deceitful, or deceptive.

low self worth & self esteem: she’s unable to make good decisions on who she chooses to be around and what she allows, may fall into a habit of people pleasing, may struggle with internalized misogyny, may be boy crazy or blow her entire life up for male validation or male presence, may constantly speak negatively upon herself and upon others. May victimize herself often or be prone to feeling “sorry” for herself, may also be heavily emotionally unstable or consumed by her emotions to the point where she’s constantly at high points of emotional distress. She has no boundaries, she’s desperate for love, she’s obsessive in a way where it comes from a place of lack or a void.

Vindictive,bitter, and jealous: falls right in hand with low self worth and self esteem, projecting all her fears and jealousy onto others especially other women. Always out to get someone, always picking on someone, always attempting to humiliate or tear someone apart.

over-giving: falls right into people pleasing but a feminine who may be over giving may not know how to or be unable to protect her energy, her power, her divinity and her “soft feminine”, she may become over-giving, over nurturing, overly empathetic to the point where she pours too much of herself (from a raw and authentic pool of her energy) into others. this comes hand in hand with my post about a feminine needing a divine counterpart who is conducive to her energy and is safe and giving so that when she’s in her most vulnerable state her energy won’t go to waste.

Shame and guilt: ashamed of her body, ashamed of her sensuality, ashamed of her femininity, ashamed of what it takes to protect herself from others, guilty for putting herself first, guilty for being in her power, guilty for recieving what she rightfully deserves, etc. etc. falls hand in hand with what I spoke about briefly about how purity culture and certain aspects of culture and life may supress one’s feminine nature and identity and ability to connect with self.

Consumed by emotions: she’s angry, she’s aggressive, she’s emotionally consumed or disturbed, she’s violent, always fighting people, doesn’t have effective problem solving or communication skills outside of violence or conflict. Is always involved in conflict, is always involved in drama, befriends people with the intention of constantly being in the center of an issue or being aware of an issue, nosy and cunning. If she’s jealous and bitter she expresses it heavily.

***

Wounded masculine will struggle primarily with how he sees himself, honoring his heart space, and what it means to be masculine or a man. This is not a new issue, it’s as old as time, wounded masculine may exude behaviors like:

overly competitive and combative: masculine may have a tendency to try to out compete others, regardless of sex or gender. He competes with women, he competes with men. He used envy and insecurity to fuel these urges to compete with others. He wants to be the biggest all the time, he wants to be the most successful, the most important, the most looked at, etc. etc. there’s nothing wrong with these desires when they come from a place of self love and growth, there is an issue when they come from the ego and his desire is to push others out of their rightful place or consume the energy of others to make himself larger. Or he needs to be right and he’s argumentative. He may be prone to having narcissistic traits or a narcissistic personality type, he may have an inflated ego or sense of importance. Constant inner and outer conflict, he’s displeased with himself, he’s displeased with what there’s, he’s always fighting, always arguing, always involved in some sort of altercation.

Abusive and angry: he has a tendency to communicate with physical violence or is unable to solve problems effectively. He has a desire to hurt others to make himself feel stronger or more powerful or feel validated and respected. Constant inner and outer conflict, he’s displeased with himself, he’s displeased with what there’s, he’s always fighting, always arguing, always involved in some sort of altercation.

controlling and/or possessive: controlling in plenty of areas, in his relationships, in career, in life. Reflects a masculine whose not confident in his ability to be loved and admired, not confident in his ability to make a difference or take action that will push things forward or into fruition in a genuine and meaningful manner. A possessive masculine is a masculine who has a strong desire to consume things rather than enjoy them and allow them to flourish. Especially in his relationships, he may attempt to “squash” his partner, keep them from stepping into their power, keep them from doing well, he may have a tendency to view his partners and counterparts as objects to be had or to be owned rather than to be appreciated or as an energy that is complimentary and adds to his value or divinity. This goes hand and hand with what I spoke about briefly about men in relationships with successful women who try to trap them with pregnancy at the height of their careers or try to minimize their success. He’s overly critical of others and overly critical of himself on an internal level. May be prone to picking up misogynistic tendencies and views, he picks on women, he degrades them, he feels the need to tell them what to do and what’s acceptable.

Manipulative: again. A masculine who doesn’t think he’s truly capable of making an impact, a masculine who doesn’t believe he’s capable of truly being loved or doesn’t believe he has enough value to be stayed with in his relationships. A masculine who may have a tendency to see others as below him or as pawns.

over-preforming or overcompensating: am i man enough? Am I doing enough? Will they look at me or admire me enough? He tries too hard to be “masculine”, is afraid to stray away from masculine stereotypes, bullies and takes out aggression towards men who don’t fit the mold that he’s been conditioned to believe is what masculinity or being a real man looks like. Leads him to being controlling, resentful, aggressive and violent in a lot of cases. Resents others who live in their truth and live authentically despite judgment and rejection, tries to squash or push down others who go against what he’s been conditioned to believe is right or wrong, ends up pushing people away or ruining a lot of his relationships and his connections because he’s unable to find the courage to be who he is from an authentic stand point and he’s angry because he always feels like he has to preform and conform. And bro is definitely the lgbtq police and the “that’s gay asf” guy in the back who nobody asked an opinion from. He’s overly critical of others and overly critical of himself on an internal level. May be prone to picking up misogynistic tendencies and views, he picks on women, he degrades them, he feels the need to tell them what to do and what’s acceptable.

Unable to feel emotions/disconnected from self: unable to communicate and communicate effectively, he doesn’t understand himself and therefore can’t understand others, has a tendency to resort to anger or shutting down or running from things when he’s feeling triggered or being coaxed out of his shelf or is required to open up and be vulnerable. He’s guarded and closed off, he’s defensive, he struggles with an avoidant attatchment style, he’s afraid of being seen, he’s afraid of true intimacy, he’s afraid of being perceived in general and perceived as being soft or emotional. He doesn’t want to talk about his feelings because he’s conditioned not to and it’s difficult. He’s stagnant, he’s unable to grow, he’s unable to learn hard emotional lessons. Repressed his feminine energy or actively represses it and this goes hand and hand with overcompensating and over preforming.

Unstable: unstable, unsupportive, unsafe physically and emotionally. He can’t create a safe space for you, for others, or himself emotionally or physically and he will not.

[wen-kexing-apologist]

Episode 12: Doors!

And here we are at the end of the line. Thank you to all who continued to tag spoilers and shout out to those who were actually patient enough to wait week to week. I tried, but caved almost immediately, who would have guessed? (everyone. everyone guessed.)

I remember feeling strange watching this episode because I felt like tonally it was so off of everything else that we had been presented with. While there have always been comedic moments in the show, I felt like episode 12 really leaned in to the comedy in a way that was slightly jarring because they were still wrapping some things up. Just my opinion, I think what would have worked better for me structurally is if we took the medical stuff out, had Qian and Yuan kiss at the beginning of episode 11, Qian had balked, they have sex at the end of episode 11, and we open episode 12 with the morning after scene, and we move the time skip to when Lili gets pregnant so that isn’t twenty-three and having to give up her career ambitions. And then the more consistently comedic tone of episode 12 would have made more sense to me. 

REGARDLESS, I did very much love how they handled the pregnancy reveal and the tension between the comedy and the sincerity in the scene. So I really want to talk about it. 

Qian enters the house, announcing his presence and then stopping almost immediately in the doorway looking around in surprise because he very much did not expect the house to be dark and empty. He calls up the stairs after Yuan and Lili and remarks to himself “what’s going on? They asked me to get groceries.” and I do not think it is an accident that the way Qian enters and interacts with this empty space feels paternalistic, the parent calling up the stairs after their children in case they didn’t hear them the first time. 

all gifs in this analysis done by the phenomenal, the talented @wanderlust-in-my-soul

He looks down at the table, and you can see the moment the sonogram photos catches his eye with the urgency in his movement to get all the bags he’s carrying off of him so he can pick the photo up. He studies the photo, and you can see the internal monologue on Chris’ face as Qian fully clues in to what he’s seeing and what it means. Mouth slightly agape, eyes slightly widening, but moving around in time with his thoughts. And initially I laughed at this moment because I thought that everyone knew Qian’s reaction would be rough and had fled the house to give him some time to cool off. 

He pulls his phone out of his pocket and heads up the stairs while dialing Yuan so that he’s killing two birds with one stone. It is notable to me, the decisions they make in the direction of this scene because despite Qian already having figured out that that sonogram is likely Lili’s, it is not Lili that he seeks out to deal with it. It is Yuan. Because when he heads up the stairs he’s also not walking up to Lili’s door, he stops and looks at Yuan’s. 

But Lili is hiding in there, because misdirection to throw Qian off his rhythm seemed like the best way to interrupt any building emotions. Yuan hears Qian’s footsteps stop and comes out of Lili’s room before Qian has a chance to knock or flat out enter Yuan’s room. This is all around the strategic move. They are going to have to talk about it with Qian eventually, so it might as well be now, and Qian historically has a much different reaction to Yuan than he does with the rest of his little family, so they are sending in the big guns first, to try to get ahead of the reaction they expect from Qian. If Yuan knows and can calm him down, maybe the conversation will go a bit smoother. 

I love that it cuts immediately to a shot of Lili pressed up against Yuan’s door, listening intently so she can analyze the situation and determine when it might be best to make her presence known. “Why were you in Xiao Bao’s room?” Lili hears Qian ask through the door.  “What’s the meaning of this?” we cut back to the hallway, where Qian is, rather calmly showing the sonogram photo to Yuan. 

So far, Qian is being quite cool about this. No big emotions, no yelling about the photo. Yuan sucks in a deep breath, as he prepares himself to deliver the news. “You saw it.” he says, as if this is something Qian stumbled upon rather than something they all intentionally left for him to find. “Well…” he tries, Yuan tries to start explaining, but there is some hesitation in his voice. Not out of fear, but just because he doesn’t quite have the right words to say what needs to be said. And he isn’t meeting Qian’s eye.  

Lili steps out of Yuan’s room, before Yuan has a chance to get the words out. Which I appreciate, I don’t think Yuan should be the one to tell Qian that Lili is pregnant. Qian initially turns his head towards the movement and then as Lili steps out fully Qian slowly turns his entire body towards his sister, softening his body language as he goes. The hand holding the sonogram photo drops to his side, the hand holding his cellphone moves, fingers curled lightly, to put his phone in his pocket. 

“You…you’re going to be an uncle.” Lili says in a quiet voice, and initially she cannot look at Qian. When she tries to start the sentence, she is looking at the ground, and it is only as she gets about halfway through the announcement that she finally casts her eyes upward to look at Qian. Neither Yuan nor Lili brave enough to Say The Thing aloud if they have to look at Qian, his presence is known but cannot be initially acknowledged if they are going to be brave enough to tell him this. They saw what happened when he found out San Pang was dating his sister, what would he do when he found out San Pang had gotten his little sister pregnant?

Qian casts his eyes downward, towards the photo in his hand, then back up and to the side, away from Lili’s face taking in a big breath and giving himself the time he needs to process his feelings and find the appropriate reaction. Because there is no way he doesn’t know why Yuan and Lili were afraid to tell him about this, and there is no way he wants to do that to his sister. Lili is dissociating a little bit, staring off into a middle ground, before she hands her head again. We see how tense Qian is in that moment, his back is ramrod straight, his hands are curled in to light fists, blinking a ton as he takes in a breath, Yuan in the background looks between his brother and his sister, holding his breath because he doesn’t know what is going to happen, and standing in such a way that he would actually be able to grab Qian before he could notice if needed. 

And then he shakes his head, quieting all the parts of himself that want to be angry about this and his lips turn up in a tearful smile as he reaches out to pull his sister in to a hug. Yuan collapses against the wall with a huge sigh of relief. Over Lili’s shoulder we see Qian bite his lip like he’s trying not to cry as he slides a hand upward to cup Lili’s head, patting her. Lili closes her eyes in to the hug, and Qian doesn’t let go. Instead he deepens the hug by resting his head on her shoulder. And when he does let go he looks at her almost immediately and rubs her arms briefly trying to comfort her. Lili is already looking at him before he’s fully pulled back from the hug. 

“Xiao Bao,” he begins and oh my god y’all Tammy is able to make the smallest little sound in the back of her throat as Lili’s response. That shit killed me, cause Lili knows she’s safe with her brothers there, but she’s still trying not to cry about the pregnancy news or about the gentle way that Qian is treating her here. “Let me ask you something. Are you ready for this?” his forehead knits together as he asks the question “huh?”

Lili feels so small the way that she nods her head and gives another little sound in agreement, she’s stopped looking at Qian again, casting her eyes downward.

“Have you thought this through?” 

“Mm.” she confirms again, still not saying anything. 

“Didn’t you want to be a model? What are you going to do about it if you have a baby?” and while Qian has been able to have a very successful career, it is the beginning of a reminder of Qian’s positionality in this story, Qian has given up a lot in or to care for his baby sister. 

Lili does not give him an answer.

“Having a baby is not easy. It’s a lifetime commitment.” and this is where my heart started to twist, because this is Qian speaking from experience, as a child who took on too much responsibility far too early in his life. Qian for all intents and purposes was a teen parent, who had not parents to help him ease the burden of raising his little sister much less when he adopted Yuan and gave himself another mouth to feed. Lili is only 23, she is so young, she has her whole life ahead of her and here she is pregnant and willing to put aside her dreams in order to have and raise this baby. 

Like Qian was. 

“You have to think it through.”

Tammy makes these little jaw movements when Lili nods again, confirms with another little “mm.” that she knows this, that she has and is thinking it through. 

Yuan sighs again, he’s just been watching the back of Qian’s head and sighing in relief when he knows that they are through a part of the conversation where Qian might have been set off. 

Qian looks down, closes his eyes for a second, this is the book end to his question of his sister. He needs to take just a second to collect himself a little more and transition in to the other important questions. 

“What about San Pang? Is he going to take responsibility?” 

“Yes,” Lili finally speaks, her voice thick with tears. For me, it is important that she actually speaks here, because everyone in that hallway knows what Qian’s initial reaction to finding out that San Pang was fucking his sister was, so Lili needs to make it absolutely clear to Qian that San Pang is taking responsibility. 

Qian moves his jaw a little bit in a way that feel accepting of that answer, which is coupled with a tiny head nod from Qian as well. 

“Will he marry you?”

“Yes.” Lili says even closer to the brink of tears. 

I love this little moment, because both Qian and Yuan have a very similar response to this answer, they are out of sync with it, but they both nod in almost the same way. Because it is important to remind the audience that these are Lili’s brothers (Qian and Yuan), not Lili’s dad (Qian) and Lili’s brother (Yuan).

Qian’s jaw moves around a lot after this answer, because he is taking in a shaky breath. He’s about to cry and you can hear it in the way he asks “Will he take care of you for life?” 

“Yes.” 

Qian takes in the world’s biggest and most important breath and finally stops looking at his sister, Lili has given him every single answer he has needed to hear in order to make himself be okay with the fact that she is pregnant. 

This is such an interesting scene for me because I think it perfectly encapsulates Qian’s role in the family. The way they set this scene up positions Qian as the parent learning that their child is pregnant from how Qian enters the home, to the questions that he asks Lili, to the warnings that he gives her about how difficult it is to raise a child. But the brotherliness of things is there as well, we are reminded he’s Lili’s brother when she says he’ll be an uncle, Lili’s little vocal inflections, the way Lili nods her head, the way she engages with Qian’s hug all make her feel small to me. A reminder that this is Qian’s little sister. 

And that distinction is cemented in the next part of this scene. 

“Ge.” Lili says, and Qian turns back to look at her, so that she knows he is fully and wholly engaged in this conversation with her. “Promise me. Promise me you won’t be mad at San Pang.”

Qian swallows hard. Qian and Yuan take in a sharp breath at exactly the same time when she says it. He casts his eyes down, breathes out, swallows hard again, and then looks back up at his sister. 

“Alright. I promise.”

Yuan’s entire body relaxes, that boy has been on alert this entire conversation, and it is only when Qian promises Lili that he won’t be mad that Yuan is finally able to breathe normally again. Placing a hand on Qian’s shoulder and giving it a supportive and grateful squeeze. 

AND THEN MY FAVORITE PART HAPPENS 

“You…you promised.” San Pang says exiting Qian’s fucking room. The disrespect. True best friend behavior. 

What I love about this moment from Chris’ perspective is the face that he makes at the end of his promise to Lili is exactly the same as the face he is making when San Pang makes his presence known. But there is something that shifts somewhere in the way that he stares, in the setting of his jaw where the rage is so so visible on him. 

“You won’t be mad at me.” A sharp intake of breath from Qian to that line, and then he hands Lili her sonogram photo, at which point San Pang should really have started running because absolutely nothing good could come of WEI QIAN having both his hands free. San Pang tries to stay in the support camp with the rest of them, patting Qian on the back in almost exactly the same place as where Yuan is holding his shoulder and smiling like a doofus. “You’re going to be an uncle.” 

Man read the room, your bestie has taken his sister’s hands gently in his own and has started to move them up to her ears. RUN! RUN FOR YOUR LIFE! 

Qian sets his jaw and before anyone has a chance to react he turns and lunges for San Pang’s throat with his bare hands. As I said, this show has (mostly) been successful at managing the balance between comedy and drama, and it is really nice to have a little moment of reprieve from the emotionally intense conversation between Qian and Lili with a little attempted murder in a moment that must have been very very fun for the actors to film. 

Yuan wrangles Qian downstairs and calms him down and eventually Lili and San Pang make their way downstairs as well, with Lili coming to kneel at Qian’s feet. I am not culturally competent enough to talk about the significance of the kneeling, so I won’t. But I will talk about the conversation that Qian and Lili have. 

“You raised me.” Lili says, still kneeling, still not making eye contact with Qian despite the fact that his eyes are trained on her. She worries her lip for a split second, looks him in the eye, and continues “Normally, you are my big brother.” 

The camera cuts to Qian’s face “You’re like a father when you provide for this family. You’re like a mother when you nag.” 

Qian is the one to break eye contact this time, sucking in a breath, and looking around aimlessly for a second as the power and weight of Lili’s words hit him. Qian looks back to his sister and smiles softly, “Get up and talk, OK?” he raises his eyebrows in a question “Hmm?” And he is so soft with her, this scene nearly brought me to tears because this is the first time Qian is hearing someone say this to his face. 

Yuan has spent so much of his time in his relationship with Qian acknowledging that Qian has been taking care of Lili and him, but is always following that up with a plea for Qian to understand that he doesn’t have to do that anymore. But Lili isn’t trying to change the nature of her relationship to Qian, and we as an audience already saw her acknowledging everything that Qian has done, all that he has suffered, but she said those things about Qian and not to Qian. So this is the first time that Qian is hearing how his sister regards him in the context of her upbringing. 

“Your hair is all messed up from kneeling,” Qian says, and tries to flatten the stray hairs of her bangs in such a tender act of love and care and gentleness. Qian is capable of not being mad, but he just needs some processing time. San Pang showing up immediately was not their smartest move because it didn’t give Qian time to process. But Qian has vented his frustrations now and he is capable of being calm and caring. 

(^this little hair fixing moment is my favorite of the entire episode by the way.)

This is a story about Qian and Yuan, and as such we rarely get to see interactions between Qian and Lili. I am glad a moment like this exists because I do think it is important to establish that Qian has always and will always care for Lili in the biggest and the smallest of ways. 

“Xiao Bao, I’m not against you.” He takes a long pause, his breath goes shaky. “It hurts me to think about it,” his nostrils flare “and I can’t bear to see you go through that. You’re too young. You’re only 23.” Such a heartbreaking line when you think about how Qian was roughly ten years younger than that when he started caring for Lili by himself. Qian’s voice starts to break. “You still have a lot to do, dreams to follow, and places you want to go. Don’t you?” Qian asks, and throughout that entire sentence, Lili is nodding softly, once again refusing eye contact. 

She nods again, a confirmation that she does have things she wants to do, aspirations she wants to follow, places she wants to go. 

“That’s why I’m afraid.” Another pause “I’m afraid you’ll end up like our mother.” 

Let’s stop here for a second to acknowledge that Qian is using his words, using them well, and actually being vulnerable with his sister here. I appreciate this parallel to the alleyway scene in Episode 11 where Qian admits to Yuan that he is worried about turning into his mother. “Getting pregnant, then getting married, and leading an unhappy life.” 

Camera cuts to a close up of Lili’s face, as she takes in a big breath and swallows hard. “Ge,” she looks Qian in the eye now “because of you, I’ve always been well-protected.” She beckons San Pang over. “But because of San Pang, I’ve learned that in this world, there are people who are willing to wholeheartedly care for you besides family.” cut to Zhiyuan “Just like Zhiyuan does for you.” 

I don’t want to break down the body language of that part of the scene because that isn’t where my focus was. My focus was on Lili’s lines. In the acknowledgement that Qian has done so much for her, at the acknowledgement that Qian has protected her. While I have my qualms about the pregnancy plotline, especially because it is not in the original novel. I do have to say that I think it serves as this beautiful point of symbolism. 

Because Qian took on so much burden to keep his sister, his family safe, Lili is not afraid of being a parent. Because she had a really good example in front of her for her entire life. It hasn’t been perfect, but Qian has played the role of father, mother, and brother to Lili and to Yuan for a significant portion of their lives. Qian may be afraid of Lili turning in to their mother, but that is because he is not able to see the forest through the trees, he is not able to see that there is nothing to worry about because Lili had strong role models, incredible support, lots of love. 

Lili is ready to be a parent because of Qian. Qian broke the cycle of violence that they were born in to and as such this baby will be born with so so so much love and support in their life. And that is just so touching to me. The idea that after all this time, after over a decade of Qian holding the world on his shoulders, after over a decade of the pain, the debt, the fuckload of work, Qian has succeeded in protecting his sister from the horrors of the world, and broken the cycle of trauma for the next generation.

And I really hope that Qian knows that.

[ckret2]

hey ^^ I love your bill goldilocks cipher, and I was wondering why he possesses a female-presenting body. I am a huge fan of your art btw so don’t take this the wrong way, I just would love to know how you designed him!

The short answer: because he's canonically referred to with he/him pronouns.

The long answer: if you meet somebody who, at a first glance, appears to be anatomically female, and everyone refers to this person with he/him pronouns, you don't immediately know what's going on.

Maybe he's a trans man who's comfortable with his body the way it is as long as everyone around him still treats him as a man. Maybe she's a trans woman with really transphobic acquaintances. Maybe he's nonbinary, maybe he's genderfluid, maybe he's a drag queen who's dressed up for an event but not currently in character, maybe he's a he/him lesbian—you don't know, and it likely isn't your business.

There's only one thing you do know: whatever's going on here, it probably ain't cishet. This person has something going on that does not fit the gender binary. All you can say about him is that he's queer.

Bill's gender is triangle. This simply does not fit within humanity's popular ideas about the male-female binary. Whatever his sexual orientation is, it is not restricted to "only females/only males (as humanity defines femaleness/maleness)"—and so he can't possibly be heterosexual in a manner readily recognizable to human beings. Amongst Bill's own species, maybe he was the most cishet guy you've ever met, I haven't decided; but if you stick Bill amongst humans, regardless of how he sees himself, he'll look queer to us.

On top of that: stick Bill in a human body, and there's a disconnect between his self-identity and the shape he's wearing. Strangers will see him as something he's not: human. He feels trapped in a wrong-shaped form amongst people who think this is normal and what he feels he should be is strange—and if he ever explains that psychological weight of feeling wrong-shaped, the humans most likely to go "I think I get it" are the trans folks who know what dysphoria feels like.

I don't think Bill cares what pronouns humans give him; I think he's called "he/him" either because his human victims decided he sounds male-ish, or else because he consciously decided to take advantage of sexism by presenting himself as male to seem more authoritative. And I don't think Bill cares about the anatomy of the human body he's in; he could have been given any variety of genitalia, secondary sex characteristics, hormone balances, body fat distributions, etc., and he would have been equally uncomfortable in any because they're not a triangle. It makes no difference to him.

But it does something to you (you, The Readers In General): it makes you wonder about his relationship with his body.

Because we're speaking English on the Internet in the 21st century, you and I are participating in a culture that sees having both a vagina and he/him pronouns as Not The Default. It makes Bill look genderqueer-in-a-human-way, and that makes it easier to slide readers over to seeing him as genderqueer-in-a-nonhuman-way. It makes you think about queerness, about dysphoria, about nonbinary folks who defy the expected correlations between pronouns and anatomy without changing their bodies to make them "match."

This is the second or third time somebody's asked me why I put Bill in a female-presenting body. If I'd done the opposite, nobody would have ever asked me why I put Bill in a male-presenting body. Because that's "normal." And I want you to ask questions! I want you to think about Bill's self-image, his internal landscape, the gulf between who he is mentally and what he is physically.

Before I ever directly draw attention to queer topics, I can get folks primed to think about them and to understand that his body doesn't accurately represent his identity just by slapping a pair of boobs on him.

So I slapped a pair of boobs on him.

[scarletskiesinthepaths]

Levi, Emotional Expression, and Social Interaction

I've seen different posts on Levi lately across different platforms that claim he is a cruel or mean person, which are fundamental misunderstandings of his character. I sort of see the problem as people mistaking Levi's emotional expressions (or lack thereof) as indicative of malicious intent or rude behavior. As such, I wanted to discuss how Levi's history and trauma have shaped how he expresses himself and relates to others. Once one has an understanding of that, it becomes evident that Levi's expressions should not be used to judge his intentions or feelings.

I wrote another post on how Levi fully meets the criteria for post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) on my main blog, and that diagnosis is important for understanding Levi as a character, as he's someone who's been largely affected by his trauma. To further expand on that post, we're going to discuss both Levi's affect and his ways of socially interacting with others, using concepts such as social modeling and self-monitoring.

What is Emotional Affect?

Affect, in psychology, refers to a patient's expression of emotion. Expression of emotion encompasses facial expressions, gestures, body language, tone of voice, etc. Mood, on the other hand, refers to the internal state of a patient's emotions sustained over a period of time. Affect helps us interpret a person's mood; however, there are such situations where affect can be considered inappropriate—that is, the person's affect is not entirely congruent (i.e., consistent) with the person's present mood and/or situation. A classic example of inappropriate affect would be laughing at a funeral, as that is incongruent with the context of the situation. Another example—a patient who is smiling and laughing after being involuntarily committed is considered to have an inappropriately euphoric affect.

Affect can be described across multiple dimensions, but the two most typically used are the quality of affect and the range of affect. Quality of affect is typically categorized as either euthymic (normal), dysthymic (depression, anxiety, guilt), or euphoric (an abnormally elevated sense of well-being, such as in mania). The range of affect can be labeled as labile, broad, restricted, blunted, or flat. Broad is considered the normal range of affect.

For the purposes of conciseness, we're going to focus on blunted and flat affects, as those are the range of affects that are best suited to describing Levi. Flat affect is when there is no variation in the patient's emotional expressions, regardless of their mood and situation. Blunted affect is similar, but it is a bit less severe—it means minimal variation. Practically, what do these mean?

Levi's Affect

When Kenny first finds Levi as a child, Levi is in a severe state of neglect; he is dying of starvation, he is wearing rags, his hair is unkempt, and he is sitting in the same room as his mother's decaying corpse. A typical child in this developmental range would be in extreme distress: crying, expressing fear, pleading for help, etc. However, Levi shows no such displays of emotions; he does not cry, he does not move, and he barely speaks. In fact, there is absolutely zero emotional expression, and there is no indicator he is upset about his situation (even as it is clear he must be). This is flat affect. Even in the short montage we see after Kenny has taken Levi under his "care", Levi never once shows variation in his emotional expression—no anger, no laugher, nothing.

Once Levi is an adult during the present timeline in the series, Levi exceedingly rarely displays his emotions. He often speaks in monotone, minimally varying the tone or volume of his voice—never yelling as well, even when angry. His smiles are so rare that it's a notable moment when he does smile (such as when Historia punched him at end of the "Royal Government" arc), and he never cries even after significant personal losses (except his one tear at the end of the series). His affect as an adult ranges from flat to blunted. This is significant too because we do know that his mood does vary, as it's clear from his verbal and body language the toll that different events take on him, and he does also display a sense of humor across the series. Again, though, his emotional expression does little to reflect how he's feeling.

What Causes Flat Affect?

To give a quick list of the most common causes:

Schizophrenia and other psychotic-spectrum disorders

Brain damage, such as from organic brain pathology or a traumatic brain injury

Neurodevelopmental disorders, such as autism spectrum disorder (ASD)

Severe psychological trauma, typically resulting in post-traumatic stress disorder

Major Depressive Disorder (MDD)

I will say outright that there is no evidence Levi suffers from schizophrenia, and thus, that is unlikely to be the cause of his flat/blunted affect, especially given the onset of Levi's flat affect and the exceeding rarity of childhood-onset schizophrenia. Similar reasoning applies to brain damage, so both of those can be excluded from the differential.

I do believe Levi meets the criteria for MDD in adulthood; however, that would be more so a comorbidity of his existing PTSD. Levi looked to be around 4-6 years of age at the start of Kenny's flashbacks, and MDD in that age group is quite uncommon, even when accounting for childhood-onset and adolescent-onset depression.

This leaves us with both severe psychological trauma and ASD as the two most likely causes of Levi's flat affect as a child and through adulthood. ASD can be a valid interpretation of Levi's significantly reduced affect display during childhood, as well as his consistent social difficulties throughout all of canon. Based on criteria laid out by the latest edition of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5-TR), Levi can be seen as having ASD (which I'll likely make a future post on). However, the presence of severe psychological trauma confounds this diagnosis. Despite this confounding diagnosis, it is still possible he has both PTSD and ASD.

Regardless, the most likely explanation for Levi's range of affect remains severe psychological trauma. In a child that young, something had to have gone extremely wrong in his early upbringing for his significantly reduced affect display. An entire separate post can be written on this topic, but Levi demonstrates clear signs of an insecure attachment style by the time he's discovered by Kenny; this indicates that Kuchel, despite having loved Levi, was simply unable to properly care for him, and this resulted in deep and ingrained psychological trauma that affected Levi's ability to socially relate and interact with others for the rest of his life. I intend on going into more detail in a separate post, but Levi's attachment style is likely insecure-avoidant or insecure-disorganized.

Observational Learning and Social Modeling

Albert Bandura's social learning theory posits that children learn through a combination of traditional behaviorist processes (classical and operant conditioning), cognitive processes, in addition to observation and modeling. In reference to Levi, observational learning is the most salient aspect of this theory.

In simple terms, observational learning refers to the way children observe the people around them. Individuals observed are referred to as models. Models can include, but are not limited to, parents/caregivers, TV characters, school teachers, and friends within a peer group. Basically, children pay attention to these models and encode their behavior into their memory. At a later time, this behavior is then imitated. This is referred to as "social modeling".

Who were Levi's models? Kuchel, Kuchel's patrons at the brothel she worked at, Kenny, and others who lived in or frequented the Underground City.

Given Kuchel's circumstances and the danger of human trafficking in the Underground, it is likely she taught Levi to avoid interacting with anyone in order to ensure his safety. Kuchel's patrons, in all likelihood, abused her and Levi was most assuredly witness to this abuse or the effects of it in some way. Then, Kenny—Levi's most significant parental figure—was a prominent serial killer who displayed and actively taught Levi violence.

All of this points to Levi never having had the opportunity to learn proper social interaction. In fact, he was actively taught inappropriate and unhealthy ways to socially interact. Not only was Levi's emotional development stunted and severely impacted as shown through his lack of affect, but his ability to socially interact and relate to others was inhibited due to both his insecure attachment and the absence of appropriate social models. How does this manifest in Levi?

Self-Monitoring

Self-monitoring is the degree to which people monitor and adjust their self-presentations when interacting with others and across different social contexts. Whether someone is a high or low self monitor can be affected by their natural personality, their experiences growing up, and/or their neuropsychobiology.

High self monitors tend to be actively aware of the social image they are projecting, and they will be adept at responding to social cues. They will also vary the image they project dependent upon who they are interacting with and what the social circumstances are. They have greater concern over situational appropriateness, and they are often perceived as more friendly and pleasant by others.

In contrast, low self monitors tend to exhibit emotional expressiveness and social responses more congruent with their internal states regardless of social context. That is, they do not adjust their beliefs, attitudes, and dispositions to be more socially acceptable. As such, they are often perceived as rude, socially awkward, and/or unaware of others' social needs.

Levi is a low self monitor. Regardless of who he is interacting with or what the situation is, he consistently maintains the same attitudes and beliefs; he is always honest and says what he's feeling. He never adjusts his social tone, even when it would make him more appeasing to others. Throughout the series, he's often referred to as rude, socially awkward, a lunatic, etc. for his inability to self-monitor. This is a likely a result of the aforementioned psychological trauma, his lack of appropriate social models, his innate introverted nature, and his potential ASD.

Summary

My goal with this post was to explain how Levi's trauma and experiences growing up have formed the way he expresses himself and interacts with others. Levi never sets out to be seen as rude, unkind, or cruel. In fact, I'd say he is by far the kindest and most compassionate character in all of Attack on Titan. However, because of his social disposition, he is consistently misperceived by both characters in the series, as well as readers/viewers. Levi, through a combination of his innate nature and the environment in which he grew up, simply lacks the social skills and affinity for social interaction to properly explain himself and come across as more palatable to others.

Note: I am a doctor of psychology student, so much of this information has been informed by my schooling.

[moments-on-film]

Moments on Film: Carmy and Sydney’s Tattoos

I’ve been thinking a lot about Sydney’s tattoo of the heart with three swords piercing it and the parallels to the tattoo on Carmen’s right hand of a knife going through a hand.

We have been shown time and time again with The Bear that everything happens for a reason. When we are confused about something it is because of the timing of the dispersement of information, not lack of it. Every character, situation, look, or line of dialogue has connective tissue to the story.

In episode 3 Carmy was supposed to go out with Sydney to eat different foods for an inspirational palette cleansing reset. Instead, he was presented with the opportunity to spend time with his long lost crush from high school, who has reappeared in his life—a different kind of reset.

Carmy presumably spent at least part of the day with Claire, although, we never see any of it. We do see how dedicated and diligent Sydney has been all day in an experience that was supposed to be shared with Carmy.

When Sydney returns to the restaurant later that night, Carmy opens the door. She’s surprised to see him. He’s happy to see her. As he ushers her in he places his hands on her back. At first glance this moment of physical contact really sticks out. Why does he do this?

Physicality is everything in this moment. Watch his right hand. He places his right hand, with his hand with the knife tattoo directly on top of her shoulder, covering her heart with the three swords tattoo. In this brief moment, their tattoos are physically stacked and aligned.

Again, to me, it’s the dispersement of information here, not lack of it. We don’t find out until episode 8 that Sydney has this tattoo on her right shoulder. Carmy presumably does not know about it either. That said, I now interpret it as another subtle, subconscious hint that they are emotionally entwined and connected beyond what we see on the surface.

Carmy not keeping his plans to go out with Sydney (honestly, regardless of the reason) is the first real time this season he has made a decision that has wronged her and in turn, ultimately (per his thoughts in ep. 10) wronged the restaurant and himself. This is due to his complete and total lack of balance in his life, among other things. In a split moment decision, he is dancing on the knife’s edge, and he knows it.

We know from this article that Carmy’s knife through the hand tattoo has specific meaning, a “reminder of just how close Carmy is to ruining his life. It's hard exactly how to put into words why it does, but there's a self-sabotaging aspect to Carmy. And I think that a knife through the hand speaks to that a little bit."

📷 Source: @cosmic-light-fics

Sydney’s tattoo is an image of the Three of Swords from tarot cards and can represent loss, hurt, pain, misunderstanding, loneliness, betrayal and separation.

Knowing what we know about how Sydney and Carmy both have a tendency to internalize deep emotion, the physical representation of their aligned tattoos with Carmy’s hand on Sydney’s shoulder is more than skin deep. To me, it’s another example of their soul connection and how their actions and emotions deeply impact the other.

Even without realizing it, the deeper parts of themselves are drawn together, emotionally, physically and literally, like magnets to steel.

©️moments-on-film 2023

[lemonnsss]

Moral of the Story Chapter 4

Gif by: @celebritiesandmovies

A/N- I’m so sorry for the late update! I’ve had some issues with my health recently that have led to some related issues in school; but, I’ve been feeling a lot better and tried to edit this up quickly.

It’s not my best work, but I had no idea what to do with this chapter, please forgive the nonsense.

MotS Masterlist

Taglist: @vicmc624 , @mostlymarvelgirl , @yvonneeeee, @beetlejuicesupremacy , @moonlightreader649 , @whattheduckisupkyle , @chrisevans-realwife, @nekoannie-chan , @mrsbarnes32557038 , @imyourbratzdoll , @weallhaveadestiny

Word Count: 1.2k

I couldn’t believe what I was seeing. The thought that Scott would leave never so much as crossed my mind. How could it? Jean and Scott had been dating since the seventh grade.

I must have reread his email half a million times, each time hung on the words “I’m leaving the mansion too.”

I was pulled from my shock as I heard the door shut behind me. I put my phone away, internally prepared myself for the interview questions, and turned around, standing from the chair. I began to talk before I saw the figure, “Hello, again Ms. Potts. That was quite the situation-” I stopped. I had expected to see Ms. Potts. Instead, there stood Tony, who seemed equally shocked to see me there.

“Why hasn’t Pep sent you out yet?” He moved from the door to the desk, “The last person to make it this long had a mental breakdown a week later.” He passed my side, slipping onto her desk. He kicked his legs slightly before he appeared to remember I was still present.

“Regardless, where is Pepper? She usually never leaves interviewees unattended,” He leans back, bracing himself on one of his arms as he reaches to the top of the shortest stack with the other quickly lifting the top sheet and, while scanning it, says, “and most certainly never leaves them around confidential company information.”

“Technically, the interview hasn’t begun.” An uncomfortable pause fell in the room as he waited for me to elaborate, “Her regular assistant is on maternity leave. Her fill-in accidentally double-booked her- she’s in a meeting right now.”

He let his head fall back dramatically as he scoffed, “Shame, I had wanted to tell her something in private. Do you know who’s all in there with her?” A cocky smirk plastered on his face.

“No? Why, Tony?”

He slipped off the desk, similarly to when he hopped up, “Oh, nothing. Just have a bit of information to share with the class.” he was almost halfway across the room when he turned back to me. His smirk was now a shit-eating grin.

“Wait,” I ran to the man, grabbing his wrist, his expression turning amused, “if the information is so important, would it not be better to share it with her privately as you originally intended.”

I suppose I had a stern expression as I said that as Tony burst out laughing, “What am I? A schoolboy scolded by his teacher?”

“Not far off on the teacher part.” He stopped for a moment before a small smile came across his face.

“Really now? When was that?” He leaned against the table again, his interest shifting to the current topic more and more.

“It was my last job. I taught at a private academy outside Salem for almost three years.”

“Interesting. And what provoked the sudden career change?”

“I don’t believe I owe you that information, Mr. Stark, unless it pertains to a crime.”

A silence passed as he tilted his head one way and then the other. “Fair point. It doesn’t apply to California's laws, but sure, plead the fifth. I won’t judge you.”

“Oh no,” I said sarcastically, “how could I ever go on with the great Tony Stark judging me!”

“Ha-ha, very funny.” He moved his hands in an almost childish manner. Playing to exaggerate his point, “You don’t seem like the type to leave such a luxurious position for any old reason. And given that you didn’t have a job lined up, you left quickly. Why is that?”

“... My long-term partner and fellow teacher at the institution cheated on me with our co-worker.”

I looked up, his face seeming to wander between holding back a chuckle and ‘Oh shit���.

After quickly stiffening his laugh, a voice rang out behind, “Well, that’s quite the loss on their end.” Ms. Potts said from her place, leaning on the doorframe. Noticing her, I stood up, “You were a great help today, and from the small glimpse I’ve seen with you and Tony, well, I think he’ll be in good hands.” 

By the time she finished her sentence, she was standing in front of myself and Tony. He still placed his weight on the desk but now he stood with his back straightened. I couldn’t help but let out a light chuckle, watching how much his demeanor changed when trying to maintain a good image around her.

“Please, Ms.Potts-“

“-Call me, Pepper. Please.”

“Alright… Pepper. Thank you, but you’re too kind. I just did what I could to help. That’s nothing to be hired over.”

I watched as she placed a hand on her hip, looked at Tony, then looked back at me.

“Hun, I mean this in the nicest way I can,” she says as she placed her hand on my shoulder lightly pushing me to sit, “do you want this fucking job?”

"Yes?"

“Great! You’re hired. Tony is scheduled to attend an event in Milan later this week so, I’d recommend you get ready for it. You’ll be at the convention for four days, not including travel days, please keep that in mind while packing. Now, if you don’t mind,” she moved her arm in front of her covered desk, “I have a few rather large stacks of paperwork to get to. Tony will show you to your office, once you’re done you’re free to leave,” she moved around the desk to type something on the computer, “I’ll have the receptionist send the order out for your ID badge, we’ll most likely have it tomorrow, otherwise it will be the day after that.” She moved up to Tony and me pushing him off her desk and casually shooing us to the door, “Congrats on the new secretary, Tony, don’t fuck it up. And to you, good luck.”

And just like that, I was standing outside of Ms. Potts' office with Mr. Stark. He led me over to his office, the room was rather cluttered but, inside and to the left there was a door. He looked over his shoulder, I guess to check to see if I was still there. He then opened the door, which, led to the secretary’s office.

“There’s another door leading in from the hall, so, please, don’t feel required to come through this room every morning. If you have any other questions, you have my number. Otherwise, I have better things to do.”

“I’m good Mr. Stark.”

“Mr. Stark was my father, call me Tony.”

“Okay then, Tony.”

“Well, I’ll be seeing you then.” He gave a slight wave and walked out into his office. The sound of his door closing let me know he was either leaving or heading back to Pepper’s. 

I took another look around the room, it was well-furnished and fairly clean. There was nothing I could see that needed repair either. I wouldn't need to bring anything in.

We boarded the plane about sixteen hours ago and finally reached our destination. We were about five minutes from landing. I got up to wake up Tony, who had been asleep for the past four hours.

I walked over to his chair, slightly nudging his shoulder, “Mr. Stark, wake up. We’re about to land.”

“Fuck you”

“Apologies, sir.” I sat across from him and buckled my seatbelt.

After I had finished the pilot sent the message over the intercom. Tony begrudgingly followed the instructions. The landing was a bit bumpy, but far from the worst I’d felt.

Once we were given the all-clear to start unboarding we started walking down the airplane's staircase. I started walking towards the car that was waiting when I heard a loud bang. The unmistakable sound of a gunshot rang out. I turned around and saw Tony writhing on the ground.