#but possibly even 2-3 more months
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Rant in tags with suicide mention
#im struggling a lot today#i just keep thinking about my grandma and how she refused to help me in this hopeless situation#she has a huge house with three open bedrooms and a whole basement and she refused to let us stay with her#because she wants her new fucking boyfriend to move in with her#and now im out over $2000 for staying a month in this shitty fucking hotel room#when that money could have went towards permanent housing if only she had let us stay a month or two and figure it out#i already cut contact with her when she said she wouldnt let us stay with her#but all day today i cant stop thinking about it. i thought she fucking cared about me but apparently she cares more about a guy#that shes known for maybe 2 years?#combined with the suicidal thiughts i have#i just cant stop thinking about committing and what i would say to her before doing so#i cant stop thinking that if i did commit if we become homeless that she could have easily prevented it#i just want to hurt her as much as she has hurt me#and i hate that. but im in the worst situation ive ever been in my life and she cant even help me by giving us money even#when all the rest of my family is doing everything they can#becuase weve wasted all our savings were going to have to stay here at least another month#but possibly even 2-3 more months#when we could have just taken a month or two at max to get things figured out and get permanent housing#i cant rationalize why she would not help us unless she doesnt give a shit about me#so honestly FUCK her. i told her she should never expect to hear from me again and i stand by that.
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#kirby#knife kirby#knives#kirby makes stuff#cursed image#daily kirby#my art#digital#hal laboratory#nintendo#y'all I was well enough to cut out the rest of the extra stickers that have been sitting on my desk since january.#I'll probably be listing the leftover stickers and prints from kirb2k on kofi tomorrow <3#I'd only meant to do it 3 entire months ago :v#like I cannot fully convey just how incredibly ill I've been.#(I have a lot of extra stickers cuz I ordered 2 sheets of 14 individuals and they sent me 5 sheets for some reason I think)#also his eyes are weird cuz I just got a new bootleg kirby in the mail and he was even more jank than the product photos promised :D#(everything else I ordered has been as pictured so far so best possible outcomes all around lol)#honestly kinda mad that improving my condition was This Friggin Easy tbh#although thank god it has finally improved.#like the med we raised is available otc and I absolutely could've raised the dose myself if I wasn't too sick to think.#(we are still adding another med once the pharmacy fills the new prescription but even this is. night and day.)
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my durges (vharris and neried) and their partners
boy they will not get along ☝
#bg3#my art#baldur's gate 3#durge#the dark urge#tav bg3#gale dekarios#astarion ancunin#good lord i started this almost 2 months ago#fuken finally it is finished#i still dont understand how to draw astarion#also i accidentally made their personalities similar with their partner#possibly even more extra#fanart#bg3 fanart#baldurs gate 3#astarion#gale of waterdeep
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GOOD AFTERNOON IT'S BIKERIDERS DAY OHOHH YEAH in 3 hrs i'm Sat
#WILL NOT BE POSTING SPOILERS TBC if i post any brainrot for the AU related to the movie i'll tag it as possible spoilers <3#johnslittlespoon yaps#still very upset i was spoiled in the mf comments section of one of the official bikeriders posts a month ago but it's whatever it's fine#i'm so srs ab the notepad and pen btw i'm locked and loaded snacks hidden in my hoodie brainrot cap on ready 2 thirst#my mom and i have been on a 12 hr 'cleanse' where we've literally avoided sending each other the usual austin videos#her idea not mine LMFAO 'so we can be even more excited to see him in the movie!' 😭#but i'm just so excited for the movie in general and now seeing the reception for it has my hopes even higher#it's gonna be so good i can feel it i haven't been excited for a movie like this in ages
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Something that always annoys me is the idea only 1 language learning method works. Which is not true. While it may be possible that, for a particular individual, only a few out of many study methods may work well enough for That Individual to make progress and stay motivated... that doesn't mean all the other study methods won't work for anyone else out there, or that those few methods will work for every other given person.
Obviously if you've been studying a while, then you already figured out what kinds of things work for you and don't. If you're a beginner, just wading into studying?
I would suggest you simply look for study methods that: 1. Teach you new things regularly, 2. Review and practice things you've learned, 3. Include studying things you need for your particular goals (for example if your goal is to read X book then the study materials at some point should involve reading practice and some words the book contains, if your goal is to talk about Y then the study materials should include some information about pronunciation and words you'll need to be able to say).
As you can imagine, a TON of study materials will meet these requirements. And you can study a given skill in a LOT of ways.
(Reading is my focus lol so just for reading, a beginner might: do vocabulary study with lists or conversations with native speakers or watching shows and looking words up or listening to dialogues with a transcript like in a textbook or graded readers or a picture book with word labels in the target language or a video game with labelled objects in target language, all of those things as long as your vocabulary is improving or reading practice is happening would help you make progress). So to improve reading skill as a beginner: you could study with a textbook, a podcast with transcript, a classroom or tutor with words written down in target language (like TPRS), a video game, a TV show and a translate app on your phone, a friend you talk with (who either writes words down or you look up words you hear with a translate app), a friend you text with, srs flashcards like anki (provided there's text) etc. As long as there's new words, and/or you're practicing reading, the study method may work. If it works will come down to if you can stay motivated doing it regularly, and make sure you regularly learn some new things and review/practice things you've already studied.
So consider those things when you see people selling a study method as a product (especially when it's costing you money). Consider if it teaches you NEW things, and are those new things related to your goals, and how MUCH new stuff will it teach you before you finish it? Consider if it provides review or practice, or if you can use it's materials to review on your own making up your own method, or if you'll need to do separate review/practice.
So examples:
LingQ. Can it teach you many new words? Yes, thousands, since you can import any texts you want when you get done with their provided material (I have no idea how much their beginner material covers though in terms of words... I would hope 1000-3000 words but that can be researched). Is your goal reading? It's suited to reading, so you will practice and review often with it. Cost? I think it was $12 a month when I last had it, and the price may have increased. Is it worth it? Depends on a learner's needs. I found it was wasting my money, so I chose to use free tools like Pleco and Readibu apps - since those apps are suited for Chinese learners and have better translations, Pleco has better paid graded reader material if I was going to spend money, and both Pleco and Readibu let me import texts so I can learn thousands of new words just like LingQ but free. Now that I'm not a beginner, I often use Microsoft Edge to read chinese... since I can still click-translate words easily (all my web browsers have that tool free), and Edge's TTS voice is helpful for pronunciation and sounds quite good. I read webnovels online so Edge works well. But it's translations aren't as good as Pleco or Readibu, so if I still needed translations more I would use them. So... is LingQ a good study method? Its certainly a study method marketed to buy. Well... the method is suited to improving reading skill, at least. It costs money, which is a negative, but it does offer a lot. However: everything it does regarding reading can be done free with other apps or sites or web browsers on their own. So if paying money motivates you to read... sure. LingQ does have a few word tracking features a learner may find worth the money, keeping in mind the actual read-to-learn method can be done free without lingq. (Also... while LingQ is a valid option for improving reading, if the learners goal is speaking then it would be important to think of what study activities the learner will do OUTSIDE of LingQ to improve speaking... because I've seen how LingQ is marketed as "how to learn a language" but it's only focused on some skills. It has vocabulary and grammar in some sense, since you'll read a lot and encounter new words and structures. But it doesnt have speaking or writing practice at least last time I was on it. Those activities would need to be worked on, on your own).
You can do that kind of cost/benefit contemplating with any study method material you see being sold. Amother example: there's a beginner Mandarin course called Mandarin Blueprint. It teaches like 800 words. Thats all. It may be worthwhile for a beginner... who still needs to learn 800 common words. But if you already know a few hundred words, the benefit of the course is less, you'll need to find a new material to teach you more new stuff soon. And the price was like a few hundred for the course... which for me personally was too much to spend, when I had already learned 800 hanzi from a book that cost me 12 dollars and 2000 words from a free user made memrise deck. The course claimed to get a person speaking, competent, but anyone not a beginner would say speaking basically with 800 words is nowhere near the level of working in Chinese or just doing a lot of daily life stuff, or reading/listening to media. (Although for the motivated beginner if you're learning 800 words on your own like I was, its definitely close to the point of jumping to learn more words and start reading kids and teenager books, and watching easier shows if you're willing to look new words up). So to me... Mandarin Blueprint felt like overselling some basic beginner materials. (Again when I know several other things that teach beginner stuff either more in depth so HSK test prep classes, and college courses, or that teach beginner stuff to the same depth as Mandarin Blueprint but free).
Some study materials aren't going to act like they teach everything. I've seen chinese courses just for learning to speak tones better and general pronunciation - probably worthwhile if your goal is to improve speaking and a teacher could help improve the issues your having. But a learner needs to be aware for that course that they'll need to study vocabulary on their own, its JUST a pronunciation improvement course.
#rant#i saw a lot of comments on forums yesterday thinking automatic language growth alg was like snake oil#aka a scam. but it can be done for free (free lessons online) and for people who#learn well from visual context and guessing (i learn well that way) the lesson style DOES result in learning new words and grammar#so provided you can find ALG type free lessons that teach 1000+ words (ideally 3000+ words) then you will learn#enough grammar and words to then move onto native speaker content to continue studying. so all free#i have not seen yet how ALG helps students with speaking or writing yet though. so i can only say it for sure improves passive skills#specifically listening with new words and grammar. and listening translates to reading if you practice that on your own#even just with subtitles or podcast transcripts.#the issue for me is can i find alg courses that teach a thousand words in a timely manner (and free if thats my personal requirement)#i think Dreaming Spanish and Comprehensible Thai do have enough free courses to teach 1000+ words#so those ones would get you to possibly intermediate b1 level in passive listening skill#and then its up to you on if 1 that meets your goal 2 you learn well with that lesson type 3 you are motivated to do the lessons#like... duolingo itself is not completely useless... it teaches 3000 words on most courses (and maybe 1500 common words). the big issue for#me with duolingo is it takes me AGES to complete a lesson and complete a course (years). cause i cant focus on it#whereas with duolingos content... its beginner content. at best it will get Reading skill to A2 or low B1#and maybe other skills if you practice OUTSIDE duolingo with the words and grammar u learned.#so getting to A2 vocab shouldnt take me more than a year to learn (based on how i study). i can learn it in 6 months if i#just study a wordlist on paper and a grammar guide online. so since duolingo takes me 4 times LONGER to study than the other methods i use?#duolingo is a waste of my time. not worth it (and it markets itself as if it will get a learner to B2 when it wont. and it markets#as if 1 lesson a day is all you need. to make progress in 6 months in duolingo like my wordlist study...#you'd need to be doing duolingo 1-3 hours a day... which duolingo does not tell u to do. and most learners dont
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Wverytime I sit down at a computer to make music I get so scared
#i like siting down with a guitar and writing music but the daw is still so scary to me and i dont know how to make it less scary#its like i dont know where to start#i understand music theory i can write chord progressions i can write melodies but arranging feels so daunting#like just trying to pick keyboard voices and stuff im like overwhelmed and then its like i just dont even know where to start#i think i need to do more covers to practice arranging because trying to do it with my own songs im just like i have NO IDEA#i do think that trying to recreate arrangements of other songs I like will help me but also just idk#i really want to get better at writing at the piano but i find it really hard#rn i write almost all my songs on the guitar then i guess what i have to do is try to think of like what style i want it to have#and sort of try to create a map like probably literally on paper and then try to go in and sort of do it but god its so hard i dont know#it feels so so daunting#even trying to make silly little stuff with just like some synths is really hard for me right now its so out of my comfort zone and AUGH id#its frustrating im scared of the computer but i also very much do not want to be an acoustic singer songwriter but thats all i can do#because all i can do is play fucking guitar!!!! and its just so frustrating#technically im like with a midi controller i should be able to do whatever program drums write little synth lines etc i dont have to like#know how to play piano and yet whenever i try to do it i just get so overwhelmed and freaked out with how many possibilities there are#that i just . cannnnnt#AHGHHHHHHHHHHHH im so im in such a bad mood right ow#ive had such a horrible night honestly#i think i will just go engage in fixation for comfort and then go to bed sigh#i dont know what to do to improve at making music in the daw i guess ill just maybe try again this weekend to take another crack at it#god its just so frustrating that i only started writing songs 2 years ago and have only learned to use a daw in the last 3 months i WISH#that i was one of these teenagers who spent all my time writing silly songs and playing around with a midi controller but i just didnt#because i was scared!!!!!!!#playing the guitar and singing has always been like the only thing that felt safe cos i felt if i tried to actually write and arrange songs#by myself i would fail so now i just feel so frustrated because i dont feel like a real musician and i feel like im starting too late#AGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH whatever sorry for using the tags of this post as my diary but#i am frustrated!!!!
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gang… im so sorry… this shit is NOT getting done in june
#WAUGH im literally not even done w the sketches. im gonna scream#my two summer classes start monday and its like. 3-4 chapters a week for both of them so#haha yeah uhhh#i feel like a major doofus im sorryyyyy i promise i havent lost like. interest in this au#but unfortunately im all tunnel vision on the ending and am slapping myself and reminding me im not even halfway done yet#its okay 🫡🫡🫡 july im coming for u#im also gonna have 5 classes and possibly a part time job in the fall also so like#maximum of 3-4 more updates this year soz#sorry 2 everyone who started reading when i was in my crazy bonkers update a month and neglecting my school work and personal health era
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Idk how me, a broad and chubby woman from a long line of broad and chubby women, and my husband, an average-height man from long lines of very tiny women and very average men, managed to produce a child so exceptionally tall, long, & lean that she can't wear store-bought clothes anymore without alteration. Yet here I am, dusting off a sewing machine I barely know how to operate....
#personal#this kid put on 2 inches in less than 3 months y'all#which is about how much she's supposed to grow in a YEAR at this age#while also somehow gaining no weight#i mean literally NONE#she even dropped an ounce overall#so no it wasn't my imagination that all her pants suddenly became too short#while simultaneously getting looser around the waist#and yes we're on top of the weight thing; she has a whole med team helping us out#it's cuz we finally found one of her EOE triggers so now she's eating more diversely and the inflammation is reducing#so her body is getting excited to go for all that growth it was putting off due to lack of nutrients and calories#same thing happened as an infant when she started PPIs for the first time#on my mama's grave she went from 50th percentile to 90th in less than a month#she also has a documented history of massive growth spurts every time her dosage gets upped to match her current size#the lack of weight gain is a bit worrisome tho so we're working on upping her calories as much as possible#but anyway#if anyone has tutorials on Learning To Make Kids Clothes for complete noobs let me know#cuz clothes cost too much for how much they DON'T fit her
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Today was the day. I hope everything went according to plan. I wish I could have celebrated with you. Congratulations.
#i've been telling myself i'd give it the weekend before i got anxious#<- what a fun joke i told myself#i told you two months ago that re-establishing contact was up to you#i will abide by that but my heart is going to lean at insta and discord notifs again for a while#the way i see it there are five ways things could go from here:#1. we pick up where we left off#2. we're a couple again but take some number of steps back to rebuild#3. we're friends with the option for more#4. we're friends with no option for more#5. there's nothing between us anymore and we maintain/return to no contact once that's communicated (if it is at all)#although i'm hard pressed to believe you wouldn't contact me even with upsetting news#but i suppose anything's possible#i never expected to be here after all#but here we are#personal
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curled up by the fire, tail waggin
#long day puppies in my phone long day#so so tired i dont have class tmr cos lecture not there so i get to sleep in yay but i wake up early anyways woah just dont Have to be up#going to try meet a friend because i feel like i havent seen anyon outside of college in months even tho its been 2 weeks#this old friend if mine kinda lowkey ditched me when he got a bucnh of new friends like 2 yesrs ago and hes been reaching out a lot to try#hangout and like hm im hurt abiut how he dropped me and he like genrally wasnt a great friend anyways:/ but i feel bad being kike i cant#hang but i also amnt even lyin genuinely cant hang i havent seen my best friend in so long i only see college and my home and therapist once#but also like ugh i dont like this guy i need him to not be beggin me to hang he could be reslly mean like too often but he was nice ..ugh#i wish there was a chill bot harsh way to cut domeone out like i dont hate u i just dont love u soz#and i love my friends so so deeply like i only have time for my besties who i would est whole if i could pike the way people talk about#their blorbo from my shows is how i feel talking about my friends like i want to squish them and poke em n kiss em their my little loves#so if i dont even like someone idk like i dont have time for people j dont love or who dont give a shit about me#hashtag being autistic and my 3 close friends are all also auttistic genuinly the 3 of them got diagnosed in the past 4 yesrs..dominos#i miss my friends wailing college too busy i miss my babies#n i feel really bad for not wanting to hang with this guy who litersllybdidnt care if i lived or died like a year ago#but now is all about me strangely#anyways hm will possible rant more ive had such a long day and nowmim currles on pillows in a bjg hoodie and its so good
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The hipsters are truly descending on Leith. I thought this flavour of waxed moustache striped shirt pocket watch and sunglasses Coolest Kids At The Warehouse Rave Mr B fucker died out in like 2012 but no they're everywhere. moustaches waxed up to the heavens tweed in 26° spring weather.
my going theory now is that this style of hipster is just an inevitable symptom of gentrification at any point in history. assume when Londinium was first becoming a metropolis it was beset by moustachioed men in pinstripe toga with pocket sundials. twats.
#red said#it's possible that my kneejerk reaction to hipsters is itself a 2012 hangover#BUT. COUNTERPOINT. I feel exactly as strongly about the previous rounds of Gentrification Symptoms#which is to say: a proliferation of grey-decor coffee shops with industrial lighting fittings selling £4 coffees (~6 years ago)#an onrush of pricy vintage shops and independent art galleries (~4 years ago)#a rise of plant shops and plant themed cafes all decorated with endless monstera (~2 years ago)#and the current realisation that i can't fucking get a fryup in more than 3 places on this street bc everywhere is a goddamn brunch spot#selling £8.50 eggs on toast#meanwhile most of the independent grocers are shutting there's no more greasy spoons#oh and rent in the area has Literally Doubled at the lowest end. a 2 bed used to be in the 450-600 pcm range#now almost everything even the kind of dive i was in for £550 is £1k+ a month#instead of building more affordable housing they're building more student housing#and the vibe has changed. like ppl used to be extremely drunk and high but also very nice and i never felt unsafe here#that's still true but it's getting less true
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there's water getting inside :(( from what i can gather it never happend before even after heavy rainy days, but here with the fucking storm it seems to have went a level above.
it's just 'a little' but this makes me anxious because the One Fear i have with this flat is to have to leave it because there will be work needed on the windows-full-outside-wall to make the flat safe / livable, and it is not work that can be done when somebody lives in it
#3615 my life#i mean it IS safe and liveable#for now.#i fear the whole wall will just come off and like i know it's not possible just like this#but also somebody lost a window in the building the first month i was here so like. yeah.#will have to contact my landlord tomorrow and send the pictures#not sure anything will be done because 1) it's a once in a year storm#2) there are already two windows that are blocked forever because the mechanism is dead or two touchy#3) this kind of thing you can only repair if you repair everything and that would be in the four numbers at least. so.#i would be even sadder knowing that i had the 'perfect flat' and not have done anything with it because i'm so slow at making a home#(to be fair i've never made one yet. it's a work in progress !!)#but yeah there will be the fine line where i can't accept water inside / it will need to be repaired for real#i hope it won't be for at least three or four years#not thinking about it more for tonight. tired. rice soup now
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#meg talks#feeling. sad kdgsdjxh#there’s a work christmas party tonight but#1) indoors 2) the whole district is invited 3) no mask policy#4) we’ve already had two covid cases at work in a row 5) it’s the holidays so It’s Only Gonna Get Worse#so i absolutely cannot afford to risk it#but. they’re doing karaoke. and i haven’t done karaoke in three years#and it’s stupid but im really sad bc i miss it and i really wanted to go but. nobody gives a shit anymore abt covid#or. y’know. about protecting high risk ppl#ppl said from the start that ‘’going back to normal’��� was just gonna mean moving on without disabled ppl#and forcing them back into either never going out or just suffering the consequences#and they were so right. nobody wants to make even the smallest efforts to make it possible for the sick and disabled to exist in public#we’re just collateral damage#not only our bodies but just like. our relationships. our joy.#not that that was ever not the case… sigh#just feeling v sad and lonely. we’re never coming out the other side of this are we#edit sorry im still not done. even more than long covid it’s like#i have no sick time left. and no space to quarantine myself. we’re three people living in a one bedroom apartment#living paycheck to paycheck! i can’t afford to miss work!#we barely managed to scrape by this month as it is! i don’t even know what to do abt xmas gifts…#like what are we supposed to do if we all get covid and can’t work? starve?#like. jdgsdjxh idk man. it makes me feel like my brain is leaking out of my ears#it’s like everyone who (assumed they) could just went ahead and moved on#as if covid is over#and left the rest of us just. sitting here alone#there’s just no solidarity anymore… idek what to do about it other than keep on. sitting at home alone
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I wonder if Taylor knows she’s releasing Speak Now TV tomorrow
#like i’m ngl i was kind of taken in by the theories at first as well but now i’m like.. it’s just not possible#we had surprise albums with folklore and evermore and sort of the 3am edition but i’d be amazed if she did it again#or released a tv as a surprise#considering how hyped red & fearless tvs were & the fact that fearless tv got singles beforehand i just don’t think she’d do that#she knows there’s more money to be made from a planned release which will get people preordering vinyls and listening to the old version#to see what’s to come#plus i’d be absolutely amazed if anything at all was released before tour. like in the past three years she’s released 3 new albums#2 rerecords and announced a tour. that’s so much. and while i 100% believe she’s been working on all the rerecords and probably has at least#one of them ready to go; she’s not releasing them before tour#plus midnights hasn’t even been out for 6 months yet. i don’t think anti hero is even out of the charts. i know evermore came out just about#5 months after folklore but 1) they were sister albums and 2) that was during the worst part of the pandemic so it wasn’t like either album#could have a proper press run. meanwhile speak now and midnights have absolutely nothing to do with each other besides a ‘fuck you’ song#directed at john mayer. so i’d be absolutely bamboozled if she interrupted midnights’ era with a rerecord release#and i’d be amazed if she released a bunch of from the vault songs right before tour and made the setlist even more complicated than it#will be right now. in fact i think it’s far more likely she’ll release a live tour album which will have ‘from the vault’ songs from sn#or 1989 or maybe rep. or do a live rerecord for at least one of those albums#but again that’ll be released after tour#i am starting to think odd number years are going to be rerecords and even number years will be new releases#but i’d still be amazed if we saw anything before august at the earliest#thank you for coming to my ted talk#taylor swift#personal
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i love festa i’ve been waiting all year its my favorite thing ever and im so excited to see what they’ve been preparing for us... im in this bangtan sonyeondan shit for life
#my 6 years with bts passed exactly a month ago and i hope i'll have so many more years with them#as soon as like 2 years passed and i was still loving them more every day i realized this was something special#all of my previous fandoms had lasted for maybe a few months#to this day i havent been continuously active in any other fandom for more than like a year or so#there might be things i still like yknow like for example i got into my sports animes a little before bts and i still love them#but ive moved on from the fandoms and i dont rly keep up with news very actively or anything and i dont think about them all the time#but with bts its like every day i find new things to love about them and new ways to interpret their music#new details in their songs i'd never caught before new tidbits from old interviews i'd never seen before#every day i love them more and more and more until i think there cant possibly be any more love left in me#and then tomorrow comes and i love them even MORE!!!!#i will never act embarrassed or joke about being cringe bc i like bts i just will never do that. they have saved my life#and not only have they saved it they've directly improved it. they've made me the person i am#without them i might be in a completely different place or even a similar place but feeling so much more miserable and worried about things#i know that i am content with where i am solely because of bts' impact on my mindset and my perspective on life and living and growing up#this has turned into a love letter but yknow what its good practice for the letter im gonna write them in my journal on 6.13 <3#aeron.txt
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#personal#i dont really know how to talk about this but i am scared. for myself. not for my system but for me and also for my sys#im primary protector. i am the oldest being in this body by time (not by age). i was one of the first created at the bodys 9month old Thing#ive always had a background almost co-con role. not fully cocon but i contribute to a lot of the blur because im always close enough to#the front to be able to step in as quickly as possible if needed. and to give instructions and warnings to whoevers in front and needing it#the last maybe 2 months? 3? ive taken up a more active hosting role in a cycle with 3 others#im really worried that its been happening so much that its impacting my duties as primary protector. im scared the brain has been#keeping things from me or shutting of knowledge i did have access to to help me adjust to concept of hosting#i cant see the inner as clearly as i could. i know my girlfriends in there somewhere but reaching out only has like a 12% chance of#getting through when ive spent the last 14 years almost living on top of her as she was the old host.#it feels rough and scary. like i know shes in there i think our gatekeep would tell me if she became dormant even if i was full host so i#i have to belive shes alright in there but i do miss her so bad. i want to know shes okay. i want to hold her#im mostly worried about losing more access to information i used to have and diminishing my use in my protector role as a result#i dont want to be a host. i need to feel like i can talk to my guys and gals and pals with the clarity and communication weve spent the last#4 years building. i feel there are more capable than me to replace me and allow me to step back and resume background-host/protector stuff#they are untrained and unfamiliar with our life but theyre not trauma holders. what do they call those? normal parts? dont like that languag#but they dont have the trauma related issues that some olthers/old hosts do and can be trained in the running of the life#we dont work we dont really leave the house due to agoraphobia so we have the time and space to train a new host#idk what to do#idk where this went i guess this is venting you can ignore it#but i guess the solution is to talk to the one cohost i can still talk with and see if they can do some hiring for me#get them to head in and see if the brain will cooperate to bring someone else out to take my host spot soon#or make one but thats not ideal id prefer to avoid that if we can. but i can feel myself reaching my limits for this#somethings gotta give soon either way#system#although we already have 3 other hosts in roster and several alters created specifically for that hanging out inside too so maybe#maybe things wont crumble if i just decide to step back on my own. if i can. harder to step back when i cant access inner but maybe if i can#then we will survive with the 3
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