#i cant stop thinking that if i did commit if we become homeless that she could have easily prevented it

[jazzzhd]

Rant in tags with suicide mention

[sobachyakukla]

they would give me respirdol & i would think i was a liar the whole time. i would call myself a liar the whole time. i would hate myself for being one, engaged in this neverending war with myself, caught between one perspective & the other perspective like two walls. one reality, another one & another one & another one. my mother looks at me walking away from my chair with my laptop open in front of it, this pulled up. she sneers at me & asks in THAT tone, "what are you doing? writing?" why yes i am. since im supposed to be, documenting everything i went through & saw, just like you said when you bought me my first diary at the dollar tree. now i thought since we sacrificed that one guy claiming to be behind q & a pedo in the white house all of this would have calmed down. but clearly not. its important that these things are still documented. i believe that we can all agree on that. no amount of laughter will stop me from writing either. i was given an order, i'm gonna carry it on out. i also get scared by the proposition that me documenting my psychosis is somehow being "transmitted back in time & being used as a script for your life so be careful with what you write & be sure to only write lies, i mean good things." yeah no im going to write what happened, not what happens. my days of writing what happens are long behind me. if this works out the right way i will be removed from certain positions & life entirely. given some sort of grace & peace for once in my life. once called the sprite queen, the real MOM, & the president, all by one kookie crazy Britney spears loving lady of the Colorado desert: The self proclaimed hermaphroditic dolphin mother. now reduced to something less than dust, bone decay & hidden meanings, unworthy of forgiveness on any & every count, no friends, reminded by mother every given opportunity (except not that often now because then she'd have to admit they were real people) & stalked, harassed, everything i own technology-wise just becomes someones play thing the moment it goes too far. but i'm digressing & undressing & its hot outside & its hot inside & im not in love yay yay yay when did the florida foilage become something that could grow in ohio its the strangest thing. i keep track of everything but its not going to matter or make a difference. it hasn't, it wouldn't. i dont want to preside over the dream machine anymore its all meta-meddlers & backpack peddlers & people who dont understand. the one-point return has gotten out of hand fuck this will indeed start to rhyme. i got up & ate a bunch of bread today in my sleep & it made me want to scream & stab myself. commit seppuku. & this reality-match of ellie is getting to me in ways i cant word or i will scream. i fucking hate it. i just want it to die. see because when i am allowed to imagine it & make it something in my imagination its fine. because then my imagination gets to use its new toy thats just gathering fucking dust at this point. but here we are, wasting time, effort, & energy. all because we really swore we were right. & ya weren't. ya just weren't right about me. it just wasn't the case. & the more you try to make it the case, the more evil you become. & i liked it better when i didn't think of you like that. i really did. i said no helping me. i meant no helping me imagine anything! & touching its head makes me want to throw mine into a brick wall. just get off of my things please. or be smart about how you access them. & stop talking about this in public. homeless people overheard you, tracked me down, & assaulted me. in columbus. i dont talk to anyone so i cant be at fault.

[thoughtlessghost]

Salem ou alekoum fellow disbelievers,

I decided to write this story down because one of my friends is currently questioning Islam. She said it might be a good idea for me to share my journey to help her and others find inner peace once you have walk out of something you grew up thinking was correct. I think I will make this a 2-3 parts series depending on interest and how she deals with just part 1. There's a lot to go through, and I will try to be brief, but I do not mind elaborating on any section in the comments or private. I am very open and confident about who and what I am. Finally, I want to have at least one part dedicated to my current worldview with the hopes of helping you guys create your moral landscape.

Finally, I would like to complete this preface by saying that I know that we all have personal reasons for leaving a Religion. Some of you have left the faith because you felt as though it was too controlling; others may have felt that God was simply too cruel. I will say that in the end, those were not the deciding factors for me. In my view, only Truth matters. Therefore, for me to stop believing in a concept, it merely has to be proven untrue, whether scientifically or logically. So my journey of leaving Islam did not originate because I had problems with its takes on the world. They occurred in large part because I feel as though Islam is inconsistent with our understanding of the natural world. Given the purpose of writing this is to help people, and that most people don't make decisions based on logic, I will try and emphasize how events and not thoughts affected my worldview to help illustrate how and when the transition occurred.

1. Humble beginnings: I know everybody has a different upbringing, so I would like to give you guys some context of how familiar I was with Islam growing up as a child (4-12). For starters, I am the eldest son of first-generation Algerian immigrants to Canada. This is just to tell you I'm brown, and I went to a school surrounded by non-muslims. In school, I was a troublemaker. I was basically this brainy kid who cared so little of rules and norms that I was almost transferred to this school for a learning disability. In response, my dad would beat the shit out of me every day for not being an obedient student despite my grades being decent (during that period B to B+). Despite his sincerest efforts, I never learned or changed. I'm only saying this because it made Arabic school impossible for my parents to manage since I simply refused to do my regular homework from school. My thinking was something like this: "What's the point of going to ANOTHER school on the weekend and spend all of my time off doing pointless alphabetical exercises in a language no one other than my parents spoke?" This, in turn, limited my exposure to Islam since I didn't interact with other Muslim kids. Finally, my parents bestowed upon me few Islamic teachings or practices. For instance, I fasted, I didn't eat pepperoni pizza, I was a relatively good kid, and I knew of prayer. Still, it wasn't something we did in our household. So I basically ended up with the same amount of knowledge of Islam and Arabic as Mohammed did when he was visited by Gabriel.

2. The quest begins: By the time I reached 14, I began to change mentally (One would only hope). I had stopped being this rebellious kid and became a book worm. I read encyclopedias, watched documentaries, binged read Wikipedia and genuinely wanted to learn everything the world had to offer. Therefore, religion seemed like the next logical step. Another reason that pushed me to that position is my first adolescent trip to Algeria. It was the first time I had truly been exposed to Islam, and I felt like I got a good whiff of what it meant to be a Muslim. And so, I decided I had now come of age and was of sufficient maturity to read the Quran and become a proper Muslim. I purchased a translated version of the Holy Book and waited until nightfall to open it. I vividly remember the mindset I put myself in before opening the book. I told myself the following things:

1. Bismillah. (YAH BOY) 2. I am about to read a book written by a being that is not human. (how fucking cool is that?!) 3. It is a book of ultimate and limitless knowledge and is the literal word of God.   4. It will guide me now and forever, for it is a timeless work meant to guide all of humanity.

By the time I made it halfway through Al-Baqarah, the second chapter of the book, I was mortified. For whatever reason, God presented himself as a terrifying merciless being. So many verses spoke about how powerful God was, and for some reason, it felt weird to me. It's almost like Bill Gates flaunting billions at a homeless person or a fisherman trying to shame a fish on how it cant breathe once it's out of water. I also felt as though too many verses spoke about eternal damnation instead of collective upbringing. In essence, it wasn't the book I expected. I was hoping for the key to save my soul and help humanity. All that ran through my head was that I was unworthy and had to dedicate myself or else face the consequences. But I persevered. Over the next few days, I kept reading while trying to keep an open mind, but I was definitely feeling perplexed. What I could not wrap my head around was the following: If God can indeed do anything, why can't he have a son?  Like all this talk about how Powerful he is, but he can't have a son?

It was around this time I started to explore other religions. However, there were so many religions that existed that it would take an eternity to study and contemplate every single one. So I elaborated the following shortcuts:

1. I skipped Judaism because a "true" faith can't have fewer subscribers than the city of New York. That also threw a bunch of other religions out the window. In my view, a Divine being should do a good job of spreading his work even if he has to do it remotely. 2. I skipped polytheistic religions like Hinduism because multiple Gods seemed odd to me. 3. Buddhism didn't have a deity, can we, therefore, call it a religion?

By that flawless logic (lol), I thought that Christianity was likely to be the One True Faith. But there were inconsistencies. For starters, the faith had multiple subdivisions and multiple versions given the Bible was written after the life of Jesus. Suffice to say, I agreed with most Muslim criticisms towards Christianity's essence manipulated by men. If Christianity is the real deal, then God would have cared a little more. As a side note to my thinking, the book of Narnia really helped me appreciate Christianity. It portrayed a more merciful caring version of God that wanted what was best for his disciples and all that existed. Yet the feeling of a merciful and just God was simply not sufficient to make me convert.

And so I started to think about atheism. However, I could still feel the presence of God. In the end, I just felt discouraged. I wrapped my head around the whole thing when I realized there was a possibility I was simply too immature to understand Islam or the Quran. So, in the end, I decided to postpone my immersion in the faith until later.

3. I committed: By the time I reached 16, I had started rereading the Quran, which actually flowed better this time around. I was relieved to know that my 14-year-old self was simply too childish. Eventually, I stumbled upon a verse akin to the following: Oh, Believers look into the world, and you shall see evidence of Islam. It felt as though God challenged me to learn science and search for proof of his existence in the natural world. And so, I did.

So one thing that occurred to me growing up is that I wanted to learn everything. By the time I reached 12, I thought to myself that if I knew every word in the dictionary, I would end up knowing everything. But the dictionary was dull. So, I decided that if I know how all things came about by reading history, then I would end up knowing everything. So when I read that verse that said learn science, I was ecstatic.  I just doubled down on my readings and started to focus more on scientific theories. I read about physics and the origin of the universe. I read on chemistry and the nature of matter and atomic bonds. By the time I reached biology, Darwinism quickly became very problematic. I thought really long and hard about how to counter it. I started to read into Intelligent Design and watched Islamic Scholars debate atheists. Still, it didn't make sense to me since the evidence for evolution was just overwhelming.

I voiced some of my concerns to a Muslim friend of mine in High School, and we had this long-winded conversation in which he convinced me he was right. I wish I remembered exactly what he said, but I remember him instilling upon me enough doubt to make me not drop the faith. Following that conversation, I decided it was time to commit to Islam finally. Here are a few things I started to do: 1. I started praying 5-7 times per day. 2. I read the Quran. 3. I would watch videos daily on what it meant to be a Muslim and how I can improve on my practice. 4. I would fast every once a while. 5. I went to the mosque whenever I could since it was far from where I lived. 6. I even helped start our prayer group in High School. In that group, we would all sit and eat together. We shared food, laughter and drinks. We were a brotherhood through and through, and for a time, it was good.

Reflecting on this period, I was one standard deviation from being in a CIA hit list. I literally messaged Benjamin Netanyahu on YT, encouraging him to stop his occupation of Palestine and to seak a peaceful approach when engaging with my brothers and sisters. Despite these friendly messages, some darker thoughts flowed through me. So I will say that there definitely is some credence to the idea that the more radical a Muslim is, the more you should worry about him, especially if he is a dude.

So when I say I genuinely believed 100% of what the Quran said, I really did. Some people will say: "Well, yea, I also used to be that way too." Well, I think I took it to another degree. For instance, when I used to walk, I would think to myself there are two people next to me—these immortal, holy beings made of light were sent by God to watch over my every move. I must, therefore, walk and behave in the utmost perfect ways to not only impress them but also uphold my honour. I was 16. 

4.The Masturbation/sleep problem:

Now I'm going to say that the period mentioned above lasted about 6 months. During this period, despite my holier than thou behaviour, I was still a man, and I had urges dawg. Every once in awhile, i.e, once a week, I would lament hypothetically at my hypocrisy. Repression creates obsession; truer words have never been spoken. The more I fought my urges not to masturbate, THE MORE I HAD TO. I created this whole inner mathematical system based on the number 19 since its a particular Islamic number. Basically, I would only masturbate around times when I could calculate 19. To me, it meant God approved of my addiction. I ended up using the time since my alarm clock was next to me. Its such warped logic don't look too much into it for when there is a will there is a way and I can get creative. Here are a few noteworthy examples:

1.Its 1:09 AM. Shit that's 19 to me since all you have to do is ignore the 0, and you have 19. 2. Its 1:45 AM. You guessed it 19. 3.7:00 PM. 19. 4. 12:07 PM. Unzip. 5. 12:17. PM shit, that's 19 too. 12+(1 times 7). Guess its Time for round 2.   6. 12:35 PM. FUCK I have to again you see 1+2+35=38, which is 19 times 2. EYYYY

[Insert COOMER MEME.]

To get over this dissonance, the Devil was responsible for these intrusive thoughts. I was a holy man of God, after all. But the voice that told me to unzip my pants and wax my carrot was the EXACT same voice that told me to go bed when I didn't want too. In the end, I knew deep down temptation doesn't come from the Devil. It comes from me. I decide what I do with my life, not some off-world entity. Keep in mind for later its just this thing I noticed. The Mosque event: So the day started like any other Friday prayer. The Imam began to speak about how God has no equal. He went on about how great and awesome of a sky Chad he was. He said that although he had no equal, there was another being that was insanely powerful as well. My eyes lit up, for I loved Islamic lore. He said that among non-God entities, the strongest was Gabriel. Eventually, he went on to say how to associate any other thing to God's power was literally the worst crime a human could commit. Shirk was worse than murder, he said. It literally guarantees you a trip to Hell.

And so given that I was human when I am told not to think about something, I immediately start to think about it. So I began to think well what if Gabriel stood up to God. I do not know what came over me but I got a literal panic attack from this. [Insert meme it was at this moment he knew he fucked up]

As the Imam had so eloquently put it to associate anything to God, you just committed the worst sin ever. I kept trying to tell myself not to think about it. Still, it just kept repeating it over and over again despite my sincerest efforts. I legit left the mosque and went back home and prayed all night, hoping God would forgive me.

The next morning was wild. I was basically schizophrenic since I kept thinking God was going to smite me for I have sinned. Crossing the street was so hard since I felt God would turn a car invisible and run me over or would simply kill me there where I stood. I lived in utter fear since I felt as though I had a bounty on my head. The inner world that I worked so hard to create had fallen apart from stupid, intrusive, thoughts. How the mighty have fallen.

5.Rethinking the Conspiracies:

A few days later, I started to rethink everything inside my head once I started to calm down. I felt as though my fears were way too irrational for the type of person I usually am and that I could not regain my sanity by thinking I was unworthy. I just simply had to work my way back up to the top fam.

During this time, I also began to rethink my understanding of the political world. For starters, as far back as I can remember, I have always been anti-authority. I believed in political realism, and so large corporations or governments always used their powers to oppress others. And so, what began as a soft-hearted liberal who thought 911 was an inside job turned into a cult of devil worshippers who rule the world and are trying to get us into the End Times.

This political worldview of a small elite who use the Devil to gain off-world power was further validated my understanding of Islam. In my view, the END WAS NEAR. Eventually, people took my ideas and thoughts in High School, and it became its own thing. Just to give you context on the time here, but it was when Lady Gaga dropped Bad Romance, and Kanye West and Jay-Z dropped Watch The Throne. We would analyze the videos and look for satanic imagery, but I always felt like that was a tad bit too far. Why are they being so apparent about something that's supposed to be secret? Predictive-Programming can only go so far after all. I began to pushback on this worldview, and I went so far back that Islam was caught in the cross-fire.

This turned into a three-month-long journey. I started by revisiting natural selection, and I realized that I duped myself. I just did not understand natural selection well enough to defend my position 6 months ago. I read The God Delusion by Richard Dawkins. I binged watched George Carlin, and he really helped me overcome any anxiety I had towards leaving my faith because, like him, I really did want to believe in a deity, but I started to realize all of the inconsistencies. [I will elaborate more on this in a later part]

5. The social consequences: By the time I left my faith, I was open about it. I have always been vocal about what I believe in, and I simply told all of my prayer brothers why I stopped going to prayer. Needless to say, they weren't pleased about it. Unlike Elementary School and as a result of our immigration policies, High School had more Muslims in it, and many hated or criticized me for questioning the faith. As time went on, they became more toxic and vicious in their opposition, and so I called them out on their shit. I told them that I am on a journey like each and every one of them, and if they don't want to talk to me anymore, I would not care, and if they wanted to fight me, then bring it on. It was the last time any of them said anything to my face that was negative. Some of them never spoke to me again, some spoke to me less. I respected their choice and moved on; whether they respected mine mattered not. All that I cared about was that I felt that I was moving forward in my life. Eventually, the Muslim prayer group fell apart, and everything went back to normal in my High School.

Now, all of what I wrote happened about 10 years ago, and despite standing up to my fellow peers, I still haven't mustered up the courage to tell my parents. Honestly, I'm glad I still haven't. To this day, I have a good relationship with them, and they are far more religious now than they were. It seems like an egregiously unnecessary thing to do that will not only sour my relationship with them but also with their future grandkids. That just seems too selfish for my liking despite my usual vocal tendencies.

End of part 1.

[secretsideofme95]

This Is My Story!

So, I’m just going to get all this out, I did something similar on new years, i sat down with someone and just spilled everything. I talked and talked and talked i just told everything, things ive never told anyone. But now i’m gonna get it all out, so here it is. My story.

I have never done anything like this so i am not quite sure how to do this but here we go.

Like many others growing up in primary school and secondary school i was bullied. I grew up with a lisp, i struggled with saying S and any words with it in. I had people older then me making fun of it i even had a teacher trying to convince me it was my fault and i just couldn't speak properly. At first i didn't understand why i was being asked to say words with S in it, but quickly i found out. it ended up making me so self conscious i got shy and quiet and just hid away and kept to myself. This was going on from like year 4 when i was 6/7 (i think i cant remember) Truth is from my childhood i dont remember anything good, i have no memories of anytime playing with friends going out having fun even just playing, only things i remember from my past at this time is just bullying.

In secondary school i remember again getting made fun of for my lisp, but also told i was ugly and that no one would wanna be with me. i had all these people making fun of me, i didn't fit in any of the groups i didn't even want to, i thought all this group stuff was stupid, so even just coz i wasn't part of the popular kids or the cool kids that ment bully me. people found anything to make fun of. i started self harming around 13. In school both primary and secondary i never really had friends so never had any after school activities, never went round someones house, i never went out with friends, i just went home. which i lived in a flat with my mum, a one bedroom flat. The council wouldn't move us despite my age, i had the bedroom my mum had the front room as her room. but ofcorse people still made fun of that coz we couldn't afford a house like they could.

Home, You would think that would be better but not really, i was a only child so i was on my own again, while at home i would do whatever i could to pass the time, i watched allot of movies, this is where i got into games, was a getaway, i could be someone else, i could pretend to be anyone. pretend i wasn't alone. so yes my mum was there, in a sense anyway. she would work all day and had an iron deficiency, so she would work all day, volunteering in a charity shop (another thing people made fun of me for) she would come home and just go to sleep, that was it she would go to work then go to sleep. I learnt to take care of myself, cook for myself. I became independent and i grew up i was basically living on my own at the age of 15. 

When i was 18, at college, there was this one particular day, one day that stuck with me, i came back home from college, and there was a padlock on the door and an eviction notice, the council had kicked us out. all i had was the stuff for college that day and that was it. my mum went and stayed with her boyfriend, i had to find somewhere to stay, with no close friends and no other family was harder then you'd think. luckily i found someone who i knew who let me stay a few days, it grew us closer together she ended up becoming one of my best friends, which was good coz i was homeless and for the next 7 months was the hardest time of my life, so many times i wanted to give up and end it, so many times i just couldn't carry on, i had not much of my stuff, i had no privacy, no room for myself, i had to revolve my life around everyone else, whoever’s i was staying at. for 7 months i was at college Monday to Friday all day 9am till 5pm then Tuesday till Sunday from 6pm until 11pm i had work. then then same every day. it was so hard all the stress, having to find somewhere new to stay every few days. worrying about money about college work. about normal work. about what if the day comes i wont be able to find somewhere to stay.

I wish i could say it ends there but it dosnt. since then to this day i have been homeless (well sofa surfing) 3 times. every time getting worse and worse. This really is not helping my mental health at all.

So this is not everything tho, around the time i was 18 i was dating this girl, She was blond, so beautiful, she was such an incredible girl she was perfect and i loved her. after 3 years we broke up, i still loved her, i was 18 i was stupid and acted before i though, we had got into an argument after we had broke up, started on twitter actually. Allot was said between both of us, but she was suffering from bad mental health aswell as i was, i said some nasty stuff we both did, but i tipped her over the edge, shes told me after this happened that it wasn't my fault, she was already at the point i just pushed it that tiny bit over, but she tried to commit suicide like 4 times, everything got too much for her, i didn't know about this, not until i went back to college and i saw her one day, i saw the bandages, i saw the marks, i saw what i had done to her, people have said it wasn't me shes said it wasn't my fault, but i cant help feeling guilty, i cant help thinking what if i hadn't got in that argument what if i reacted differently, it wasn't my fault yet i feel guilty to this day, 6 years later this still lays heavy on my conscience, seeing what it had done too her, i couldn't take it. This is what has made me so bad, what has turned me into this, this is what made me become this.

i have learnt from this, i think before i speak, im terrified of confrontation, im terrified of arguments, i cant walk away i cant leave people when they are upset or angry, even if i get in an argument, i cave in, i give in and i usually give them whatever they want, i dont want this happen again so i do what i have to to stop the argument even if its not what i want, even if it hurts. i cant go through that again, it would kill me and destroy me more then it already has.

This is why i dont think i deserve to be happy, what i did to her, what happened, im getting what i deserve. 

Every relationship ive had literally all of them except for this blond (including the ones before her) have all cheated on me, they have all used me, all played me. for one reason or another, i always get hurt. i pour my soul in, i give everything i can put in all effort and do whatever i can for them to make them happy, to give them what they want, and each one just takes me for grated and takes more, and more of me, slowly they are taking everything and soon there is going to be nothing left.

My family,  that dosnt exist, none of them talk to me, wanna know me, they dont even know anything about me, nothing happened just slowly they all stopped talking to me, now even if i try messaging them not a single one will reply, even when i was in the hospital for my operation. no one cared to even ask why. when i need help most, not a single one cared.

my friends, i barley have any anymore, those that i do dont live close to me. all my friends i had i lost, my 2 best friends were married (together) i was actually living with them until a month ago, until they decided to turn their back on me, give me 3 days to get my stuff and move out, they were even so nice as to give me no help, even got me fired from my job on the same day. 

my mental health gets worse and worse every day, not a day goes by i wish i was dead to be completely honest, i dont wanna live this life anymore i dont wanna live all this shit im done, but i carry on living through this shitty existence for those few people who still care. and every single day is hell fighting myself fighting my urges, being at war with yourself is the hardest battle to go through. every night i go to sleep crying, every morning i wake up wishing i hadnt. i would do anything to have a cuddle, i would do anything to just fall asleep with someone.

My love life, well thatch just non existent. in the last 4 months i had 4 dates, date 1, goes well have fun went out for a drink had a laugh blah blah blah, she said shed love to see me again soon, i was a lovely guy she really liked me. ofcorse i never heard from her again. date 2, go out for a drink to get to know each other, again goes well connected got on well im a nice guy how am i single, anyone would be lucky to have me, again, dosnt ever contact me again. date 3, so talking for ages been going round there spending time with here cuddling, then out of no where she tells me shes seeing someone after telling me she likes me but isn't ready for a relationship so might take some time for us. well that was bullshit coz she got straight into one with some other guy within a week saying she loves him. so date 4 a few weeks ago, been talking goes week meet up and yeah same story how am i single anyone will be lucky im the perfect guy shes looking for, so we arrange a date to go and have dinner together i was gonna cook for her, on the day tho she stops talking to me, dont here from her for another week, she tells me she ditched me coz she found someone. so once again same shit happens despite that she said she wouldn't and all that bullshit ... guys are not the only ones that can be dicks to people and fuck them over. i have given up completely, stopped looking, stopped feeling, stopped caring..

my sleeping is i dont even know how to explain it, i dont sleep much most nights im awake with my thoughts, i get maybe 2 hours a sleep a night if that, i just no matter how tired i am i cant fall asleep, i cant relax and switch off. im sitting here now running on no sleep for 48 hours and i cant fall asleep. so here i am writing this. when i do sleep i regularly have nightmares, bad nightmares, but ive got so used to them now, its normal to have them and dosnt even bother me anymore, used to terrify me. now i hope they are real i hope that that dream i die, is not a dream. when i sleep i feel nothing, its the closest to death ill get, its peace.

i broke my leg 3 years ago at a trampoline park, ever since then ive been in constant pain every single day, bad excruciating pain, im on strong opioid painkillers to try and control the pain, im on Tramadol, codeine and naproxen every day, and im still in pain, i cant straighten my leg, i cant walk properly. ive had surgery on it, ive done physio and it isn't helping, im stuck like this, im stuck in pain every single day and there is nothing they can do.

so you wanna know how i feel every day, inside my head im fighting a war, fighting myself, trying to find a reason to go on to get through another shitty day on this earth with things never getting any better, im tired of being alive, fed up of being someone that when things start going right or better, something rips it out from under me and pulls me back down even worse then before. im terrified of being happy, im terrified of good things. do you know what its like to be scared of just being happy, what its like being scared when you meet someone good, or make a friend.everyday im looking for something to make me feel something, because honestly now, i feel absolutely nothing, i feel empty. nothing affects me anymore,  nothing gets me low, gets me sad. everything is being taken from me. all this shit, my life has taken everything from me and the only thing that is left for this shitty life to take is my beating heat and my conscience. and im not sure how long i can hold out for, and the only reason i am is for the 1 or 2 people that actually care, they may not be close but i know it will hurt them. and i dont want them going through that. 

i would do anything to be a dad i wanna be one so bad, in my head anyway, in reality im terrified to have kids, i am terrified they will turn out like me, im scared they will go through this, im scared they will get the same thing as me, i wouldn't want anyone to live with this, i know that i dont. i defiantly would never want my own child too,

i need help, but i dont know what will, i dont know what can help. i think im too far gone and its too late. 

my life is and endless series of train-wrecks, only i have no intervals of happiness, i have no happiness or even anything close. just when i dont think things can get worse they do. 

everything one way or another fucks me over, everything one way or another at some point hurts me, /// i dont think some people are ment to be happy, and i am one of them. some people are ment to suffer. and i dont know how much more i can take. i dont see what more could happen, but im sure it will. and im waiting for the day it gets too much. i dont even know how i got this far.

I know that no one cares, not about this, not about me. but its ok.

im used to it. this is my life. this is my normal. this is the real me ... 

But this face smile, this mask ... this is what everyone else sees, ...

[ithisatanytime]

To be honest im very glad she loves her boyfriend so much, initially i asked about her relationship status and she said it was open, and was very firm about that fact, emphasizing it to the point that it was the only thing leading me to believe she was at all receptive to my advances, of course thats not enough because i was so forward, and i knew she just likely wasnt that into me. but today when i pressed the issue, as i am a horny man and frankly im in a damn hurry, she changed her tune, now he was her soul mate. and you know what nothing could have made me happier. my last serious girlfriend was in a committed relationship but it was on the rocks, in part do to her going off her birth control (i was high test compared to her boyfriend, he had better musculature but prenatal test exposure was lower in the womb as evident by me being 6′2 and having masculinized bone structure in comparison to his.) and losing all attraction to him, also i kind of fucked their shit up by randomly confessing my feelings for her, we had known each other for close to ten years at that point, but i never made my feelings known because she was so fucking hot to me i just never thought of her as a possibility quite frankly, i was fucking SHOCKED to find out she felt exactly the same. this same exact scenario played out for me when i was a young man and i literally forced my girlfriend to go on hormonal birth control, the hormones in birth control literally trick your body into thinking that your pregnant, and pregnant women have different taste in men, they are looking for a provider obviously, their behavior changes dramatically, in part because they lose interest in higher testosterone but good physical genetics mates as they need someone to be their when they raise their baby, typically (naturally) this only lasts for 9 months than the baby comes, if the man who fathered the child is able to weather the emotional shit storm, he will stick with you through anything, and is thus a good potential provider for your offspring, the opposite is true if they met you while on hormonal birth control, as they value you for your provider traits and when they go off the bc their body thinks they are no longer pregnant, hence her looking for a big strong bull (me) too impregnate her.

    she knew this indian guy since they were children, it was fucking obvious they were meant to be together, i hated being responsible for the heartbreak i caused BOTH of them. dude still wanted to be with her after she kicked him out of her life to fuck some drug addicted retard (me) but  heres the thing i am not talking shit about her, they literally cant fucking help it, we are slaves to our hormones. i was very pleased to find out that she was hesitant to go on birth control as it “makes her crazy” i was so glad she brought it up and felt that way, as imagine going over this shit with a potential girlfriend, imagine how well thats going to go over! i have been familiar with hormonal BC’s effects on womens sexual preferences and ability to pair bond since i watched a documentary on the discovery channel about sex with i was 13, i was trying to masturbate, but i learned a lot instead, despite how crazy this sounds, all of this is accepted science and new papers get released about it every couple of years or so, its fucking insane that women arent made aware of this common side effect of birth control, so imagine how fucking conflicted i felt when she was adamant about getting back on birth control, i was 99 percent sure she would fall out of love with me, and at the time , it was insane to me how much she clearly loved me, she promised shed get off birth control as soon as i asked, i pleaded with her, saying that by the time she was on bc for even a couple weeks shed no longer love me or give a fucking shit what i had to say anymore, which seemed RIDICULOUS at the time, but she promised shed go off it as soon as i asked, i knew that would not be the case. within literal days after getting the hormonal IUD put in, she stopped looking at me the same, we started fighting all the time, it was horrible to see, especially for the second time, all men know what i am talking about, when that lok disappears, and of course she didnt get it taken out when i asked, and of course the fighting got worse and worse, who the fuck could stand living with me without loving me, suddenly all the bad shit about me (no job prospects, bad provider) that she had already been aware of for years became an issue, blah blah blah, it wasnt her fault, imagine being forced to live iwth someone who you didnt love, who loved you and stil wanted to fuck you. and of course as the fighting got worse and she slept on the couch, i could no longer sleep, i became obsessively jealous (mate retention strategy caused by testosterone masculinizing the brain) i knew she wasnt cheating on me, there was literally no way, but my guts were twisting and churning every single day, my behavior became increasingly erratic (men behave irrationally as well, in their own way) it all came to a head, after a solid month of the cold shoulder, i had finally landed a job interview to be a car salesmen (i built up a relationship with the neighbor i smoked iwth, and he landed me the job) but the  day before i was set to be interviewed we had a massive fight which i started, because i tried to reason with her (in love men and women arent governed by reason) that she had been giving me the silent treatment for a month and i had been on my best behavior, which i had been, buying her gifts and flowers with the profit sharing check i got from my old job, but she started grabbing her stuff to leave, she wouldnt tell me where she was going and in my irrational state i was sure she was going to fuck an entire football team, an unbelievably searingly painful thought for a man, women literally cant comprehend this as they dont experience jealousy in the same way men do. so i slammed out of the house first into the streets of new york city, huffing and puffing trying to to cry as i pushed past the crowded streets, it was like 4 pm in the middle of queens. i found a bar and sat at the center of the bar, it was pretty empty when i walked in since it was like four o clock in the afternoon. i had 300 hundred dollars in my pocket and i spent it all that very night on beers and shots and whiskey sours, i had never gone to a bar of my own volition before and can count on one hand the amount of times id set foot in a bar, but i had been drinking more than i ever had in my life. the pain of jealousy and losing someone that i sincerely loved, and intended to marry was so intense that i started drinking and basically didnt stop until we were separated (havent really touched the stuff since, i dont really like alcohol) but i was losing the girl i loved, she was supposed to be my wife. i drank like there was no fucking tomorrow, just waiting for her to call me, which she did, but there was no love in her voice, no news on where she was, or who she was with (her girlfriends, studying for an exam) so i hung up and went back to drinking, my bartender was a young women, who may have been pretty i was not paying attention, so much so that when she finished her shift and left the bar, and a young woman sat next to me at the bar and tried to talk to me, she grew angry with me that i didnt realize it was the same bartender, who had been serving me drinks all night, she left in a huff, soon i felt people pressing up against my back as i finished my 20th drink of the day, i was way past my limit, but i was about to lose the girl i loved and become homeless on the streets of new york in my mind, she would never have done that to me, but my “home” had evaporated as soon as i left to new york, and after i lost my job delivering refrigerators he made it pretty clear he didnt want me around. he was not my real dad after all, just another of my mothers boyfriends, its not the same as a biological dad, for as good as he was and as much as he did for me, i was becoming too much, i cant describe the fear of the streets for someone who spent their lives homeless or near homeless is like, its always there. so i drank that way as the NYC bar grew very crowded and noisey, i had picked the hottest socail spot in the city to drown my sorrows,. i would drink until i couldnt feel the pain anymore, go home, puke my guts out, not remember anything and then regroup in the morning after she got home from her boyfriends house, thats a problem for tomorrow me. i was just waiting for her to call me and maybe show me some sign of warmth, some sign of the person i fell in love with. she did call me in fact, i was too drunk and the bar was too loud for me to hear it, i got up to take a piss and only then realized how crowded the bar actually was, people were dancing behind me the whole time and i didnt even realize it, it was packed from wall to wall, as i got up to take my piss, my last five fell out of my pocket onto the ground and i nearly fell over trying ot pick it up, plus the last shot i took i just spilled down my shirt sleeve, it was time to go home. i drunkenly stumbled towards the door the bar was so packed i literally had to raise my arms into the air (this detail will be important for later) as i made my way towards the exit suddenly she appeared in the doorway, i cannot describe to you my relief in this moment, how did she even find me? it was the last clear memory i have from that night, the only other memory i have is foggy, me drunkenly bragging that i could have beat up every dude in the bar and girls were totally trying to fuck me (see? im valuable) as she drove me home, the rest of that night is completely lost to me, i found myself suddenly in our bed, in the morning, i felt more hungover than i had ever been in my life by a factor of ten, i was shaking uncontrollably still half drunk and frightened (if youve never blacked completely out before you cant know what thats like) she informed me that i had pushed her, i was horrified, how could this have happened, and what more could i have been capable of, i didnt have time to process that however as her dad was on his way over from upstate new york, in my half drunk and frightened mind i knew he was coming to fight me, i went into fight or flgiht mode *if your dead comes here i wil lfuck him up!” even i couldnt believe i said that , her father was an unbelievably kind and gentle man, but i was frightened, i was gonna be homeless on the streets of new york, a forgotten man who fell through the cracks in the safety net, and worse i deserved it, my sense of self was shattered, how could i have pushed her? she made the right decision in having her father turn around, and head back to upsate new york. i cried like a fucking baby, how could i have done this? my father was a drunk who beat the shit out of my mother, and i remembered it vividly. i sobbed and sobbed, i had been doing a lot of that, i loved her from the beginning and worse, she had loved me too. i had no way of contextualizing it either, for me it was as if someone had woken me up to inform me that in my sleep i had punched a child, think about that, how do you process it? i had prided myself in never putting my hands on a woman unless she asked first (thats its own story that i will never fucking tell)  i ddint even remember it, like at all, i ddint even remember us fighting, apparently i was barfing and doing somersaults of the bed and shit, as you do when you are blackout drunk. and she had never drank a drop of alcohol or smoked a single weed in her life, she must have been absolutely terrified. i wanted to die, it was over for good. we had made up in a sense, as the reality of the situation set in, we only ever held each other on the first and last night i was in newyork, and both times, you wont believe this but i have to say it because it was so strange, we cuddled face to face while her two cats cuddled each other inbetween us, only the first and last night.

  part of why it was so hard for me, was because i knew i would miss her bitterly for the rest of my life, literally every day until i died, i knew from experience, and she woudl be really upset for a few months maybe and then never think about me again. my only hope was that she got back together with tha tindian boy she grew up with, he fucking cried outside of their apartment, and stil  asked about her when she left him for me, this tore me up, as id been on the other end of that, he loved her better than i did, they were meant to be married but hormonal fucker and jewish sabotage has a combined effect of just fucking women right up, men too but i feel worse for the women. if you fuck a guy you should just stay with them honestly, you will be much happier long term. this started out as one thing, and then turned into something different, as i had been meaning to tell that story for years now. i know it seems like a lot of self pity and to be fair theres a lot of remorse too even to this day, i barely touched a drop of alcohol in the years since, and occasionally it will hit me like a ton of bricks out of the blue and i will excuse myself into my room to cry into the macaroni and cheese i was eating.

[maurokkkkkk]

What Homeless to Harvard and other inspirational movies get wrong(imo)

The problem with most of this inspirational movies is that they try to make us think that really everyone can do it, and for a few minutes it gets all pumped and we get really optimistic about life and the future. But in reality, not everyone can be like that, because a lot of it comes down to luck. The problem comes when we become optimistic, thinking that we are  going to make that big step towards achieving a goal and nothing is going to stop it is a big mistake. Thinking like this, and then, getting responded by a big block of reality that is reminding you of how miserable you are without really expecting it, could be problematic and could lead to depression or anger. A lot of this movies make us think that we are living in a meritocratic society in which if you rly fight for it you can make it to the top, but that is just one big lie, also, think about this,  if someone gets to the top because of their own merit, wouldnt that also mean that the poor hitting rock bottom deserves it. You might think well if this girl made it out the bronx and i cant, damn i must be a loser.  There are more ambitions than there are glorious destinies. We get told that we are free to succeed, but we dont stress enough that we are also free to fail. 

Also this movie show´s us the 0.01% of homeless that actually make it, and yes, what she did might be awesome, but dont get fooled by it. 

I leave you with this very pessimistic phrase of Emil Cioran: ´´Only unsuccessful optimists commit suicide. The others, having no reason to live, why would they have any to die?´´

Note: Sorry if the ideas are all over the place im tired and need sleep rn huh

[adambstingus]

Are You The One Recap: Gio Olympics 2016—Everyone Is A Fucking Loser

Wooohoo, were back. Last week was a fresh and raging shitstorm and I gotta say, I was really looking forward to this week and holy shit did it not disappoint. Im sure cast members took a long, collective groan when they saw this episode and remembered that bitchy girl on the internet is going to destroy them the next day in the recap.

So lets give the people what they want, shall we?

They all are like, “FUCK WE SUCK AT THIS” after getting 4 beams, 4 weeks in a goddam row. Prosper suggests a good old fashioned orgy, because hes a thinker! They all just need to have sex morethats clearly what theyre missing.

PROSPER: There was a moment last night, when she was sandwiched between the two Finnish dwarves and the Maori tribesmen, where I thought,

Gios like hey Prosper, thanks for having my back when I acted like a psycho on TV back there and Prosper is like Id really like to be excluded from this narrative.

Gios like I tried to fight Stephen because of principle and is like if I let one person do it, everyone will. Gio is like an anamorph with some of the shit he says. Everytime he says something that sounds so fucking stupid you want to shove your head into a blender, he morphs further and further into his final form: Donald Trump.

Julias like “I know I should be sad that everyone is fighting over me, but like, Im so happy.” Its not her fault shes so popular!! Meanwhile Stephen is like “LOVE ME PLEASE” and is crying in the confessional. Jesus Christits looking like a tequila kind of night.

Everyone is like they havent even kissed yet!!! which is low-key embarrassing. Its one thing to be pussy whipped when you are, shall we say, getting said pussy.

Julias like KISSING IS HUGEits more important than sex!! Well, one can lead to a child and the other cant, so lets just go with thats wrongthough there are a million Mormon mothers out there who agree with you. Seriously, I had a more intimate relationship in 6th grade.

MORMON MOMS EVERYWHERE: Honey you can only watch MTV if its to watch that nice girl with the overbite who is ABSTAINING. Now come on, get your helmet on and go sell the word of God!

Kaylen and John learn they have a lot in commonmostly just that they cant stand their parents. Thrilling stuff really. I like them both so I wouldnt be mad, just more confused. Yes, very confused.

THE GAME

YES, best part of the season: the dudes exes are here. The girls are so pumped and the guys are trying to find the tallest building to jump off.

The exes come out and they are disappointing to say the least. Def bottom tier sorority status. But hey, yall got a free trip to Maui so like, good job. Congrats on dating losers, I guess it worked out in the end.

Tylers like my ex threw a box of wine at my head, which is a little embarrassing for several reasons. First of all, you just admitted you’re poor. I havent drank boxed wine since I was 19 in a frat house (aka Morgans mothership). And for maximum damage, you should always throw a bottle. And this has been another episode of: teaching someone very obvious things!

The dudes pair with their exes and they get asked questionswhoever answers the most similarly gets a point. Propser doesnt have an ex because his longest relationship was three weeks LOLLLLL. He basically has to sit it out because he ghosts too much. Im weak.

Question 1: Does your ex still think youre a good catch?

Gios ex is like, . Hes immature and Kaylens like Hes also fucking crazy, dont forget that yall. John, Asaf, Stephen and Cam get it right. Moving on.

Question 2: In one word how did your ex describe your relationship?

Gio gets a match because he said crazy and she said ridiculous. At least Gio fucking knows hes crazy. Admitting is the first step.

Morgans ex said that hes really smart and he acts like a stupid frat boy and its like, LOL okay. Whatever you have to tell yourself to sleep at night, honey. Maybe if you keep telling yourself you didnt date TFMs poster boy, you might retain some self-respect. I get it.

Toris like WOW hes so deep! Underneath all that muscle and that abnormally square head, he has a heart! Fucking incredible.

Question 3: Does your ex think youre ready to settle down?

Everyone says no. Im sure your matches are PUMPED. Johns very excited about this*fist bumps everyone around him* *pounds beer and crushes it on his forehead* *screams FUCK YEAH MERICA!*

Question 4:What animal best describes your personality?

Tylers ex is literally here to ruin lives, Im low-key living for it.

RYAN: What animal is Tyler? EX: Dog shit RYAN: Thats not an animal EX: RYAN: EX: RYAN: Okay, dog shit it is.

Stephen keeps getting them wrong and Gio keeps getting them rightmostly because every answer has been something like crazy, psycho or horrible. Gios like know yourself, know your worth.

Its down to John, Gio and Cam and Stephen is praying that John/Cam win. Putting your faith in Cam is like waiting for rain in this droughtuseless and disappointing (name that movie, Sam.)

Last Question: Does your ex think you still have feelings for her?

Cam, of course answers it incorrectly, so its John and Gio. Its also, dare I say, fucking lit.

John picks Kaylen and Gio picks, of course, Julia. Talk about the most awkward double date ever. This has given me life.

Julia and Stephen are talking and Stephen is like freaking out about Gio and Julia. He def very worried that Gio may be right.

STEPHEN: That plan is crazy JULIA: I know STEPHEN: So crazy. It just might work

Gios like “I NEED TO MOVE FORWARD OTHERWISE IM GONNA RUIN EVERYTHING FOR ALL OF YOU FUCKERS.” Basically, Gio is a giant asshole. Case closed, bring in the dancing lobsters.

There is a lot of mixed opinions here. Some want to vote Julia/Gio in because itll end this shit, some dont want to waste a truth booth.

HALF THE HOUSE: Im voting for Regina George because she got hit by a bus. THE OTHER HALF OF THE HOUSE: Im voting for Cady heron because shes the one that pushed her.

Prosper and Bagel are cuddling and laughing and let me tell you, I never saw this coming. Hes like youre sexy and Bagels like “I KNOW.” Our self-conscious little Bagel has grown into a confident young pastry *tear.

Tori and Morgan are in a room talking about repopulating the world and other totally relevant shit. Morgan is clearly hammered and is feeling on her ass, talking about her giant ass belly button.

Shes like I had to grow into my belly button and hes like “AH SO THATS WHY YOU GAINED WEIGHT.” YOOOOOOOO, that shit was loaded. Remember that big heart and big brain Morgan supposedly has? Best joke thats been told on this show.

He then is like NO NO THATS NOT WHAT I MEANT! and then is like I wish your ass was fatter. This whole conversation could honestly go down in history as the worst thing to ever exist. Wow, bravo to all involved.

THE WORLDS MOST UNCOMFORTABLE DATE AKA EVERYTHING I HAVE EVER WANTED

For the date, they are going wakeboarding, where Stephen hopes Gio accidently drowns, whoopsie. John gets up on the wake board and Kaylens like And yeah, she really does fucking suck.

BUT ENOUGH ABOUT THOSE TWO!!! Gio keeps touching Julia and shes like kinda uncomfortable, kinda not stopping it, which is the story of Julias life.

Mind you, this girl believes kissing is like the ultimate commitment while Gios like, a sex addict.

CHAZZ MICHAEL MICHAELS/GIO: I’m a sex addict. It’s my cross to bear. It’s a real disease with doctors and medicine and everything!

Gios like if I leave here without you I have nothing! and its like, we get it, youre homeless. She says they only have a physical connection and hes like “I KNOW ISNT IT GREAT!?!”

GIO: *plays music* You and me baby aint nothing but mammals so lets do it like they do on the Discovery Channel

They argue the whole time and Gio is like YOURE MINE. Honestly, this dude needs to be put in a psych ward, not a homeless shelter. What are you gonna do, Gio? Fucking share a cot with Julia? Make her hold the sign while you panhandle?

TRUTH BOOTH

Gios like “When I won the challenge, it was amazing. Like fate, karma, the universe, anal sex. But now I feel jipped. What did he expect? They were gonna start fucking on the wakeboarding date?

Gio believes there is still a chance that Julia becomes so afraid for her safety she finally submits to himhes really holding out for that.

Obviously, Julia and Gio are voted to the truth booth. Stephen is like “THIS COULD CHANGE MY LIFE” and its like, nah probs not but ok.

John is pissed because, hes right, they fucking blew a truth booth on this bullshit. Its like, very clear that they are not a match and they just blew this whole thing.

Gios like the house is gonna feel stupid AF and Morgans like NO, youre gonna feel stupidwhen were like, right and stuff. ANYWAYS YOURE FAT!

While Gios planning his hostile takeover of Julias bed, shes like should I cut my wrist horizontally or vertically?

Im on edge and drinking excessively. This is low-key nerve wracking. But the results are in.

Hey Gio? Are you a 90s band that peaked with one song about cocaine? BECAUSE YOUR THIRD EYE IS BLIND, BITCH. NO MATCH FOR GIO AND JULIA, DO NOT PASS GO, DO NOT COLLECT TWO HUNDRED DOLLARS.

GIO, SADLY SINGING: I want somethin else *tear* to get me through this, semi-charmed kind of life, baby baby

And Julias like “there is someone out there for you, but that girl is NOT ME. FUCK YES!” Hes like in there crying and shes like checking her watch like, can we go now?

Stephen is crying too wtf is going on? Johns like consoling him and seriously, Ive seen less tears in my sorority house.

Julias like there, there Gio. Youve been through worse. Yeah honestly Gio, youve lived on the fucking streets. This is the least of your problems.

They come back and John is like and tells Gio that he needs to apologize to the group, Stephen and Julia. Honestly, Im a few tequila shots deep, because my life now consists of drinking alone and watching MTV reality shows, and Im all about John rn. Like is he really sexy or am I fucking hammered?

The conversation goes like: JOHN: Apologize GIO: no JOHN: please die

Julia thanks Stephen for being by her side and dealing with the fact she has never kissed him and he still tries to fight dudes twice his size. And finally they kiss. Aw, Julias first kiss! Babys first rave, babys first rave!

GIO, STILL CRYING AND SINGING: I wish you would step out from that ledge my friend.

The next day, Asaf and Franny are messing around and making out and hes like SHE VERY FUN, hehe. My mom and I discussed this whole thing in a riveting conversation below:

Morgan and the team get a meeting together and decide to do 100% new couples, except Asaf and Camille, because they are probs a match. This is a terrible idea. But Im here for it.

Stephen is like “THIS IS BULLSHIT! I want to pick Julia!” Im ready to put this whole relationship to bed, honestly.

MATCHUP CEREMONY

Ryan is wearing a fugly gray shirt that fades into plaid. Seriously that shit looks like the Sean John collection circa 11. Yikes.

Gio is up first and Ryan is like how did it feel to be wrong? Gios like Well sometimes the third eye has blurry vision, ya know? Who could say?

Gio kind of apologizes to Stephen, but not really.

GIO: I dont hate you because you’re fat; you’re fat because I hate you.

Gio picks Nicegirl Nicole, which is funny because she is the one who looks like she hates him the most half the time.

Prosper picks Franny and Ryans like OKAY, what the fuck are you people doing? Franny explains the strategy and Ryans like, Well arent you all just a bunch of loveable asswipes?

Stephen is up next. Hes like Waiting for that kiss was so worth it. Now hes just gotta wait for his balls to drop.

Ryans like “Are you going to pick Julia” and Morgans like bro Ill fucking haze the shit out of you bro if you fucking do thatFATASS! Of course, he goes against the grain and picks Julia. Ah, selfish men and criers, Julia has a type.

They start making out in front of everyone like Mormon moms everywhere are turning off their TVs, cursing that sinning whore Julia.

Tyler picks Bagel.

Cam picks Tori.

All the confirmed perfect matches at this point are like

Morgan picks Victoria.

Asaf says he thinks Franny is the one, which is very weird since a few weeks ago she was like his sister. Ryans like You mad youre not with her? and hes like STRATEGY, VERY NICE.

Asaf is like Acting like hes fucking jumping on a bomb instead of picking a girl to sit by for 3 minutes. John and Kaylen ARE last and they look miserable.

Kaylens like Gio I loved you and you fucking blew it and were wrong!!! Uh, you two arent a match either? Time to move the fuck on.

Of course, true to the martyr theme we got going here, hes like

RYAN:If you loved her you wouldnt have left her GIO: Honestly I feel so attacked right now

Suddenly Gio is saying that everything he did was for Kaylen. Bullshit, bullshit, bullshit.

Like a speech from a riveting sports movie, Camille is like NO YOU FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT AND HELP US WIN THIS MONEY and everyone claps along. Like yeah Gio, lets go out there and win this fucking game! And Gios likehmmm, maybe some money and future prospects in life would be cool.

Were waiting for the beams and they arent coming. HOLY. FUCKING. SHIT. This is not a thing rn. OH, but it isTHEY GET A BLACKOUT.

This means Stephen/Julia, John/Kaylen AND Camille/Asaf arent matches. I think all 10,000 people who watch this show are stunned into shock.

They just lost 250,000 dollars, as Victoria so eloquently screams. Looks like youll be drinking boxed wine forever, Tyler.

Wow, this shit. This shit practically wrote itself. How did Gios third eye not see this coming?

div.body_middle_part_right .bodypart:nth-child(n+2),a.prevBody{display:none;}

from All Of Beer http://allofbeer.com/are-you-the-one-recap-gio-olympics-2016-everyone-is-a-fucking-loser/ from All of Beer https://allofbeercom.tumblr.com/post/182227933232

[allofbeercom]

Are You The One Recap: Gio Olympics 2016—Everyone Is A Fucking Loser

Wooohoo, were back. Last week was a fresh and raging shitstorm and I gotta say, I was really looking forward to this week and holy shit did it not disappoint. Im sure cast members took a long, collective groan when they saw this episode and remembered that bitchy girl on the internet is going to destroy them the next day in the recap.

So lets give the people what they want, shall we?

They all are like, “FUCK WE SUCK AT THIS” after getting 4 beams, 4 weeks in a goddam row. Prosper suggests a good old fashioned orgy, because hes a thinker! They all just need to have sex morethats clearly what theyre missing.

PROSPER: There was a moment last night, when she was sandwiched between the two Finnish dwarves and the Maori tribesmen, where I thought,

Gios like hey Prosper, thanks for having my back when I acted like a psycho on TV back there and Prosper is like Id really like to be excluded from this narrative.

Gios like I tried to fight Stephen because of principle and is like if I let one person do it, everyone will. Gio is like an anamorph with some of the shit he says. Everytime he says something that sounds so fucking stupid you want to shove your head into a blender, he morphs further and further into his final form: Donald Trump.

Julias like “I know I should be sad that everyone is fighting over me, but like, Im so happy.” Its not her fault shes so popular!! Meanwhile Stephen is like “LOVE ME PLEASE” and is crying in the confessional. Jesus Christits looking like a tequila kind of night.

Everyone is like they havent even kissed yet!!! which is low-key embarrassing. Its one thing to be pussy whipped when you are, shall we say, getting said pussy.

Julias like KISSING IS HUGEits more important than sex!! Well, one can lead to a child and the other cant, so lets just go with thats wrongthough there are a million Mormon mothers out there who agree with you. Seriously, I had a more intimate relationship in 6th grade.

MORMON MOMS EVERYWHERE: Honey you can only watch MTV if its to watch that nice girl with the overbite who is ABSTAINING. Now come on, get your helmet on and go sell the word of God!

Kaylen and John learn they have a lot in commonmostly just that they cant stand their parents. Thrilling stuff really. I like them both so I wouldnt be mad, just more confused. Yes, very confused.

THE GAME

YES, best part of the season: the dudes exes are here. The girls are so pumped and the guys are trying to find the tallest building to jump off.

The exes come out and they are disappointing to say the least. Def bottom tier sorority status. But hey, yall got a free trip to Maui so like, good job. Congrats on dating losers, I guess it worked out in the end.

Tylers like my ex threw a box of wine at my head, which is a little embarrassing for several reasons. First of all, you just admitted you’re poor. I havent drank boxed wine since I was 19 in a frat house (aka Morgans mothership). And for maximum damage, you should always throw a bottle. And this has been another episode of: teaching someone very obvious things!

The dudes pair with their exes and they get asked questionswhoever answers the most similarly gets a point. Propser doesnt have an ex because his longest relationship was three weeks LOLLLLL. He basically has to sit it out because he ghosts too much. Im weak.

Question 1: Does your ex still think youre a good catch?

Gios ex is like, . Hes immature and Kaylens like Hes also fucking crazy, dont forget that yall. John, Asaf, Stephen and Cam get it right. Moving on.

Question 2: In one word how did your ex describe your relationship?

Gio gets a match because he said crazy and she said ridiculous. At least Gio fucking knows hes crazy. Admitting is the first step.

Morgans ex said that hes really smart and he acts like a stupid frat boy and its like, LOL okay. Whatever you have to tell yourself to sleep at night, honey. Maybe if you keep telling yourself you didnt date TFMs poster boy, you might retain some self-respect. I get it.

Toris like WOW hes so deep! Underneath all that muscle and that abnormally square head, he has a heart! Fucking incredible.

Question 3: Does your ex think youre ready to settle down?

Everyone says no. Im sure your matches are PUMPED. Johns very excited about this*fist bumps everyone around him* *pounds beer and crushes it on his forehead* *screams FUCK YEAH MERICA!*

Question 4:What animal best describes your personality?

Tylers ex is literally here to ruin lives, Im low-key living for it.

RYAN: What animal is Tyler? EX: Dog shit RYAN: Thats not an animal EX: RYAN: EX: RYAN: Okay, dog shit it is.

Stephen keeps getting them wrong and Gio keeps getting them rightmostly because every answer has been something like crazy, psycho or horrible. Gios like know yourself, know your worth.

Its down to John, Gio and Cam and Stephen is praying that John/Cam win. Putting your faith in Cam is like waiting for rain in this droughtuseless and disappointing (name that movie, Sam.)

Last Question: Does your ex think you still have feelings for her?

Cam, of course answers it incorrectly, so its John and Gio. Its also, dare I say, fucking lit.

John picks Kaylen and Gio picks, of course, Julia. Talk about the most awkward double date ever. This has given me life.

Julia and Stephen are talking and Stephen is like freaking out about Gio and Julia. He def very worried that Gio may be right.

STEPHEN: That plan is crazy JULIA: I know STEPHEN: So crazy. It just might work

Gios like “I NEED TO MOVE FORWARD OTHERWISE IM GONNA RUIN EVERYTHING FOR ALL OF YOU FUCKERS.” Basically, Gio is a giant asshole. Case closed, bring in the dancing lobsters.

There is a lot of mixed opinions here. Some want to vote Julia/Gio in because itll end this shit, some dont want to waste a truth booth.

HALF THE HOUSE: Im voting for Regina George because she got hit by a bus. THE OTHER HALF OF THE HOUSE: Im voting for Cady heron because shes the one that pushed her.

Prosper and Bagel are cuddling and laughing and let me tell you, I never saw this coming. Hes like youre sexy and Bagels like “I KNOW.” Our self-conscious little Bagel has grown into a confident young pastry *tear.

Tori and Morgan are in a room talking about repopulating the world and other totally relevant shit. Morgan is clearly hammered and is feeling on her ass, talking about her giant ass belly button.

Shes like I had to grow into my belly button and hes like “AH SO THATS WHY YOU GAINED WEIGHT.” YOOOOOOOO, that shit was loaded. Remember that big heart and big brain Morgan supposedly has? Best joke thats been told on this show.

He then is like NO NO THATS NOT WHAT I MEANT! and then is like I wish your ass was fatter. This whole conversation could honestly go down in history as the worst thing to ever exist. Wow, bravo to all involved.

THE WORLDS MOST UNCOMFORTABLE DATE AKA EVERYTHING I HAVE EVER WANTED

For the date, they are going wakeboarding, where Stephen hopes Gio accidently drowns, whoopsie. John gets up on the wake board and Kaylens like And yeah, she really does fucking suck.

BUT ENOUGH ABOUT THOSE TWO!!! Gio keeps touching Julia and shes like kinda uncomfortable, kinda not stopping it, which is the story of Julias life.

Mind you, this girl believes kissing is like the ultimate commitment while Gios like, a sex addict.

CHAZZ MICHAEL MICHAELS/GIO: I’m a sex addict. It’s my cross to bear. It’s a real disease with doctors and medicine and everything!

Gios like if I leave here without you I have nothing! and its like, we get it, youre homeless. She says they only have a physical connection and hes like “I KNOW ISNT IT GREAT!?!”

GIO: *plays music* You and me baby aint nothing but mammals so lets do it like they do on the Discovery Channel

They argue the whole time and Gio is like YOURE MINE. Honestly, this dude needs to be put in a psych ward, not a homeless shelter. What are you gonna do, Gio? Fucking share a cot with Julia? Make her hold the sign while you panhandle?

TRUTH BOOTH

Gios like “When I won the challenge, it was amazing. Like fate, karma, the universe, anal sex. But now I feel jipped. What did he expect? They were gonna start fucking on the wakeboarding date?

Gio believes there is still a chance that Julia becomes so afraid for her safety she finally submits to himhes really holding out for that.

Obviously, Julia and Gio are voted to the truth booth. Stephen is like “THIS COULD CHANGE MY LIFE” and its like, nah probs not but ok.

John is pissed because, hes right, they fucking blew a truth booth on this bullshit. Its like, very clear that they are not a match and they just blew this whole thing.

Gios like the house is gonna feel stupid AF and Morgans like NO, youre gonna feel stupidwhen were like, right and stuff. ANYWAYS YOURE FAT!

While Gios planning his hostile takeover of Julias bed, shes like should I cut my wrist horizontally or vertically?

Im on edge and drinking excessively. This is low-key nerve wracking. But the results are in.

Hey Gio? Are you a 90s band that peaked with one song about cocaine? BECAUSE YOUR THIRD EYE IS BLIND, BITCH. NO MATCH FOR GIO AND JULIA, DO NOT PASS GO, DO NOT COLLECT TWO HUNDRED DOLLARS.

GIO, SADLY SINGING: I want somethin else *tear* to get me through this, semi-charmed kind of life, baby baby

And Julias like “there is someone out there for you, but that girl is NOT ME. FUCK YES!” Hes like in there crying and shes like checking her watch like, can we go now?

Stephen is crying too wtf is going on? Johns like consoling him and seriously, Ive seen less tears in my sorority house.

Julias like there, there Gio. Youve been through worse. Yeah honestly Gio, youve lived on the fucking streets. This is the least of your problems.

They come back and John is like and tells Gio that he needs to apologize to the group, Stephen and Julia. Honestly, Im a few tequila shots deep, because my life now consists of drinking alone and watching MTV reality shows, and Im all about John rn. Like is he really sexy or am I fucking hammered?

The conversation goes like: JOHN: Apologize GIO: no JOHN: please die

Julia thanks Stephen for being by her side and dealing with the fact she has never kissed him and he still tries to fight dudes twice his size. And finally they kiss. Aw, Julias first kiss! Babys first rave, babys first rave!

GIO, STILL CRYING AND SINGING: I wish you would step out from that ledge my friend.

The next day, Asaf and Franny are messing around and making out and hes like SHE VERY FUN, hehe. My mom and I discussed this whole thing in a riveting conversation below:

Morgan and the team get a meeting together and decide to do 100% new couples, except Asaf and Camille, because they are probs a match. This is a terrible idea. But Im here for it.

Stephen is like “THIS IS BULLSHIT! I want to pick Julia!” Im ready to put this whole relationship to bed, honestly.

MATCHUP CEREMONY

Ryan is wearing a fugly gray shirt that fades into plaid. Seriously that shit looks like the Sean John collection circa 11. Yikes.

Gio is up first and Ryan is like how did it feel to be wrong? Gios like Well sometimes the third eye has blurry vision, ya know? Who could say?

Gio kind of apologizes to Stephen, but not really.

GIO: I dont hate you because you’re fat; you’re fat because I hate you.

Gio picks Nicegirl Nicole, which is funny because she is the one who looks like she hates him the most half the time.

Prosper picks Franny and Ryans like OKAY, what the fuck are you people doing? Franny explains the strategy and Ryans like, Well arent you all just a bunch of loveable asswipes?

Stephen is up next. Hes like Waiting for that kiss was so worth it. Now hes just gotta wait for his balls to drop.

Ryans like “Are you going to pick Julia” and Morgans like bro Ill fucking haze the shit out of you bro if you fucking do thatFATASS! Of course, he goes against the grain and picks Julia. Ah, selfish men and criers, Julia has a type.

They start making out in front of everyone like Mormon moms everywhere are turning off their TVs, cursing that sinning whore Julia.

Tyler picks Bagel.

Cam picks Tori.

All the confirmed perfect matches at this point are like

Morgan picks Victoria.

Asaf says he thinks Franny is the one, which is very weird since a few weeks ago she was like his sister. Ryans like You mad youre not with her? and hes like STRATEGY, VERY NICE.

Asaf is like Acting like hes fucking jumping on a bomb instead of picking a girl to sit by for 3 minutes. John and Kaylen ARE last and they look miserable.

Kaylens like Gio I loved you and you fucking blew it and were wrong!!! Uh, you two arent a match either? Time to move the fuck on.

Of course, true to the martyr theme we got going here, hes like

RYAN:If you loved her you wouldnt have left her GIO: Honestly I feel so attacked right now

Suddenly Gio is saying that everything he did was for Kaylen. Bullshit, bullshit, bullshit.

Like a speech from a riveting sports movie, Camille is like NO YOU FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT AND HELP US WIN THIS MONEY and everyone claps along. Like yeah Gio, lets go out there and win this fucking game! And Gios likehmmm, maybe some money and future prospects in life would be cool.

Were waiting for the beams and they arent coming. HOLY. FUCKING. SHIT. This is not a thing rn. OH, but it isTHEY GET A BLACKOUT.

This means Stephen/Julia, John/Kaylen AND Camille/Asaf arent matches. I think all 10,000 people who watch this show are stunned into shock.

They just lost 250,000 dollars, as Victoria so eloquently screams. Looks like youll be drinking boxed wine forever, Tyler.

Wow, this shit. This shit practically wrote itself. How did Gios third eye not see this coming?

div.body_middle_part_right .bodypart:nth-child(n+2),a.prevBody{display:none;}

from All Of Beer http://allofbeer.com/are-you-the-one-recap-gio-olympics-2016-everyone-is-a-fucking-loser/

[graceosborneillustration-blog]

Original transcript and new narrative

G: How did you become homeless?

K:I had a nervous breakdown kind of thing, and depression. And I, my relationship broke down, kind of thing.

G: How do you think people who aren't homeless view people who are homeless?

K: I think people are sad. I hid it when I was homeless, no one knew. I hid that I was homeless. It's only about six months ago I stopped hiding it, but before then I hid it. I was washing, cleaning, hid my stuff. I had a little bit of money, but not two much.

G: If you were to think back years ago before you were homeless, and you saw someone who was homeless, what did you think then?

K: I didn't think I’d ever be in hat situation, but wha I thought was, I wanted to help, I tried to give a sandwich or something. I though it was sad and I just, I wanted to help, I just thought it was sad to be honest. You don't ask, you don't say whats going on. Because you might not be able to help. I didn't realise there was so much help for the homeless, until I became homeless. I thought people on the street were starving, they cant do anything, they're cold, but theres so much help. Thats anther aspect, I did not realise there was so much help. There is places you can go and have something to eat, theres places like the soup run and they give you clothes and food, and I went to the Arch and got a sleeping bag cause before I was homeless I had a tent and a sleeping bag that I got myself. But then they got nicked and I didn't have much money, so I got one from the Arch.

I didn't know what BBH was or I might have come here as well, I might have come to see CAPS sooner.

I’ll always remember the first time I came here.

G: How much sleep did you use to get, when you were in the tent and outside Debenhams.

K: Sometimes about six hours, sometimes less. Because it is noisy on the street, I had my shoes nicked once. You leave anything around people will take it, they think its funny.

G: Did loads of people sleep outside Debenhams?

K: I was on my own. I was where no one bothered me, the other side there use to be five or six people in a row. And they all knew each other. Then when I was there CAPS found me and I started talking to them. But before that I was going to commit suicide, but I saw CAPS and the story comes after that.

G: Whats the best thing thats happened to you this week?

K: This week? You really want to know? I’ve just moved in to a flat. I moved in yesterday, its not a council flat. I went from CAPS and BBH to Genesis house which is like a hostel kind of thing. Bishop Bridge is like the bottom of the ladder and then Genesis and then with in there theres a move on flat which is completely self reliant but theres still help if I need it.

G: Thats amazing, congratulations.

K: I came here on the 22nd September and then they asked my on the 27th December if I wanted a flat and then I moved in yesterday.

G: What three words would you use to describe being homeless?

K: three words, thats interesting, scared. Maybe, I felt dirty I guess even though I wasn't really, unclean maybe. And depressing.

G: What made you feel safe? Or what makes you feel safe? K: safe? When I was homeless, I wasn't safe. I didn't feel safe. G: What was the scariest bit about it?

K: When I got my shoes nicked, and when other people open your sleeping bag at night and say ‘oh no wrong person’. Theres people after each other, Ive known people who've been weed on, students think its funny. Someone had their sleeping bad set fire to, while they were in it. Groups of kids at night time, they kick the sleeping bags. You get spat at, people got stabbed.

There was something that happened last winter, there were two guy, young guys who were sleeping rough and they'd gone to sleep by one of the vents by castle mall, they curled up by one of the heating vents. In freeing weather, and a security guard from Castle Mall came out and threw a bucket of cold water over them. It mush have been mine three. They literally had what they were wearing, people sleep in what they've got to keep warm. And he threw a bucket of old water over them. They got down here I think with in 24 hours and I think the guys lost his job. They're human beings who are trying to keep warm when its minus 2.

G: What does the word home mean to you?

K: Safe, comfort, just normal really. Like when you get of the street and come here, just a bed and a shower. Lots of the time it's so cold you just cant sleep, you just wake up from shivering.

G: Where would you like to be in a years time?

K: I would like to have my own place and I would like to have a job. Be normal really. I never thought, thirty years ago that I would be homeless. Its all things people take for granted, thats what I see as normal. watching telly, sitting down, being okay, being safe. Having hot food, we take that for granted. Being warm, clean, hot water. Thats what I want.

G: Is there anything you think its important for people to know about?

K: The homeless need help, we do need help. There are some bad ones on the streets, I m not saying there aren’t. But they make the good ones look bad. You only need one bad one.

I’ll give you an example of bad, begging on the streets saying they've got nowhere to sleep when they have. Professional beggars.

G: I never know whether to give money or food or not

K: If you offer food and they don't take it that means they're not homeless. Thats my opinion. I saw someone give this couple who were begging a pizza once, and he got the pizza and chucked it in the bin, Ive seen that. I was disgusted with that, theres other people out there who are homeless and hungry they could have just given it to them. People out there do want help and I think the problem is a lot of people don't know they can get help. I did not know I could get help.

G: do you think theres anything the government could do?

K: They try, they do try, but there is so much homelessness. Everyday there is somewhere people can go and get food. People only can get help if they want it. If I don't want help then theres nothing you can do. I didn't realise you had to be registered as homeless with the council before you can be recognised as homeless, if you're not registered you cant get anywhere. You have to help yourself before anyone can help you. CAPS, they have to see you on the street three or four

times, and at different times, they wont give you a date when there gonna come or whatever. The first 12/14 months I just hid, I didn't want help so I wasn't recognised as homeless, I was never recognised. If its too easy everyone would just be turning up at the council.

At the moment I'm doing charity work, you know St. Stephan's Street church? Homeless can go in there and say ‘I’m homeless’ and get a free coffee and something to eat. Theres the soup run and kings on a Sunday, the soup runs a dodgy though, I wouldn't go. Dont go anywhere near it, people have been seriously hurt, people are desperate you know, and they fight.

Some people get offered rooms, places with the council but because they've been on the streets for such a long time and it's so ingrained in them they cant deal with it, they get scared. Having a roof and a bed just becomes so overwhelming and they're scared. Theres a lady who's got so many bags and she's been offered places by the council but she cant deal with it, she doesn't know how. Thats what the government need to work on more. Theres so many.

And it is overwhelming, I went from sleeping in Debenham door way to BBH to Genesis to my own flat in 4 months and I did feel depressed during, especially leaving here. But I’ve been volunteering, cooked at quakers and St Stephens Street. I cooked Christmas dinner here, and I loved it. That was on my bucket list, I’ve always wanted to do Christmas dinner for the homeless.

Its all started to come together when I nicked some sandwiches from Tesco, I was desperate you know and the police gave me a list of all the help you can get. The saddest thing, I’ve been homeless for to years and Ive only started getting help six months ago, six months, I didn't know you could still be on the job seekers if you were homeless, did you know that? So people might be getting that but they might not, you don't know.

I didn't have a phone so they couldn’t get in contact with me when I started getting help, so I came in here to see what was going on and I waited a bit and then I got in, by timing and luck and my whole life changed.

But I have been down, I wanted to end it, everything to be honest. And I did cut my wrist, and I went to Eaton Park where the boating lake is and the other lake. I went there, to jump in. And these ducks were following my around, wouldn't let me go in. I’m not stupid I know they wanted food you know but after that I went to see the ARK and asked for help.

This is what saved me, this place. This is the point from when things got better. This changed my live, BBH and all the staff. Well, i changed my life but BBH enabled me and helped me, I did the hard work but they put the support in. They help, they really did. Even the police helped.

How long do I sleep for? Well, sometimes about six hours, sometimes less. Because it is noisy on the street, I had my shoes nicked once. You leave anything around people will take it, they think its funny. Someone had their sleeping bag set fire to, while they were in it. Groups of kids at night time, they kick the sleeping bags. You get spat at, people got stabbed.

I wanted to end it, I went to the boating lake. I went there, to jump in. And these ducks were following me around, they wouldn't let me go in. I’m not stupid I know they wanted food you know but after that I went to see the ARK and asked for help. I went from sleeping in Debenham doorway to BBH to Genesis to my own flat in 4 months and I did feel depressed during, especially leaving here. But I’ve been volunteering, cooked at quakers and St Stephens Street. I cooked Christmas dinner here, and I loved it. That was on my bucket list, I’ve always wanted to do Christmas dinner for the homeless. I would like to have my own place and I would like to have a job. Be normal really. I never thought, thirty years ago that I would be homeless. Its all things people take for granted, that’s what I see as normal. watching telly, sitting down, being okay, being safe. Having hot food, we take that for granted. Being warm, clean, hot water. That's what I want. I was on my own, but some people help. 

We used text directly from the transcript but have condensed it so that read out it will be able to fit into a minute long video which we feel will capture the hearts and attention of its audience.

This animatic was created by Emily and although its really good it doesn't reay fit with what we want to get across. This is because she hasnt  been able to combine for any of the meetings so, we are going to create a newanimatic 

[complicatedlovestory15-blog]

DAY 1

 I just want to write about a complicated, crazy,i guess maybe love, story. It keeps on playing in my head on repeat so thought maybe penning it down might help, maybe it might stop playing in my head then...

So it was a weird fall, followed by a weirder winter, and i just couldn't wait for that winter to get over. I guess one of the loneliest winters ever. I moved to Toronto from Scarborough a year back and from Pakistan two years back. Met new people in downtown, became friends with them, started dating this guy just because i needed company but never felt attracted to him. I was 20 at that time and to be honest i never felt attracted to someone my whole life. There was never a single guy in my life that i met and i felt this uncontrollable attraction until i met him (ill tell about him soon). So i was dating this guy i met in the city for a few months, oh we were best friends for a year before that,he begged me for a year to date him, i guess he honestly just wanted a label, a tag so he can tell others, anyways i never even felt like touching him ever. The whole idea of sex and make outs kind of always made me uncomfortable. I think maybe it had to do with my culture and background.That mental block that touching a guy is a huge sin or you will get stoned to death if you do, i mean there were so many stories of honour killing around as well... scary, i know. Then again that mental block was never there when i kissed him ( will tell soon), he was the first guy i ever touched, i wish i can erase that feeling from my head forever but i cant, That’s the only feeling i know of, loving him, his touch, every other touch feels foreign, like somehow its his something that i’m allowing someone else to touch, like i’m not allowed to feel for anyone else, even if i think maybe i might, my first instinct is to run back to him. I don’t know how to feel like that again...

So that whole year was pretty okay i guess, started off with me going to my first party, and having someone around just because i didn't want to be lonely even though i had no attraction towards him, but in my defence he begged me to go out with him. The whole year was horrible, i messed up my grades and partied like crazy, and by the time i realized it was kind of late but not too late. i went back to Pakistan, spent time with my family and cleared my head. I came back broke up with that guy, i was never emotionally involved with him but losing a friend always felt weird. I’m always sad when i lose friends but that sadness is temporary, weirdly i forget and move on really easily until this time.. until him....Anyways i cut myself off from all my downtown friends and well became an introvert i guess. 

I focused on school, got my grades back and tried feeling less hollow. That hollowness never went away to be honest until i met him. I found out that the guy i broke up with was cheating on me the whole time anyways as he was sleeping with another girl. Guys are so fucked up sometimes to be honest.He wanted to be with me because he wanted a good looking girl to show off to his friends. Sometimes being decent looking is a curse as well i think, because most of the time your value is like a trophy or a decoration piece that one wants to show off, nothing more. Hence since i was never ready to get physically involved with him (or any guy) he found a solution to that. I guess i was kind of devastated a little in the beginning but as soon as i met him (main person of the story) it felt like that part of my life never even existed, like that story was never there. 

I was frustrated and bored. i moved to this disgusting little apartment for 2 months as i was looking to buy a place and that was the only thing i could find immediately for just 2 months. I was living in a den, the place reeked, literally because my roommate had cats. Anyways so it was summer and i was bored so i downloaded tinder. Did not really want to meet someone serious through that but thought of being a little adventurous and meet new people and have fun ( not that kind of fun). I had 2 or 3 matches because quite honestly tinder is the most time consuming and boring thing ever. So anyways i matched with this guy from Lahore ( same home town as me). Was okay looking (if you ask me now ahhh, that the only face i want to wake up to, apparently men learn to love the person they are attracted to, while women become more and more attracted to the person that they love, i guess thats what happened to me lol, now i can’t get over his face.), so we started chatting, he asked me to meet him a couple of times but quite at that time i didn't find him attractive enough so i kept on making excuses until finally i commit to meet him at Nando’s across from my home.My friend came over that day and i remember i told her i’m going to meet a guy at Nando’s but will be back in 15 minutes.I didn’t even notice those fifteen minutes turing into hours.Time way flying and all i wished that night was to be stuck in that moment with him forever. I guess if we both could we might want that, to be stuck in that night forever, when we both met for the first time.Before all the fights and the breakups, when we didn’t need any reason to fall in love, we just did, that moment, that very night, without even realizing just wishing for more time with each other. Even tough its been almost two years, i can still recall that moment as if it was yesterday, all the things we talked about, my cheeks flushing with excitement, it felt like he was somebody i had been waiting for my whole life, waiting to tell him the story of my life, from start to the end. I had so much to tell him but not enough time.Our stories just kind of intertwined, the past how we shared similar childhood memories ( his dad was from the same hometown as my mom) and future ambitions and so much, i feel like he never understood that i was a younger version of himself going through the same stages as him and would eventually find my path just like he did, we were mirror images of each other, he was just a few years ahead of me. I had never been that excited around a guy, that instant connection, like he was made for me... i wish that can happen again, it never did before him and i’m losing on the hope that it ever will. 

Anyways i remember i was wearing a floral blue dress that day and he was wearing a polo shirt, siting on the last window table towards the right waiting. It was such a pleasant night, the beginning of summer 2015, i walked inside the restaurant awkwardly trying to find my so called date. He had salt and pepper hair, a mix of black and white, i actually never saw that happening to be honest, me and him, that one day i will be writing about us. (This is my first time writing a diary etc as well, sometimes i wish i never fell in love and life was just the way it was, boring and simple.. ). I walked towards him and we sat down, ordered food, (he caught me taking selfie lol, i wasn’t really too worried about making a good impression), i remember i was kind of nervous as it was my first tinder date, so i ordered the easiest dish to eat on the menu, LIVER, i mean i didn’t even like liver lol, o h the unease of biting on that liver was balanced by the comfort of his company..  and then we started talking and gosh we talked, so much like i never not have stories to tell him,he was my boyfriend my friend and everything, we talked so much until we stopped finally. My friend was waiting ,it had been way past fifteen minutes, hours actually, but i just couldn’t leave, i had so much to tell him, i was waiting my whole life to meet him and tell him all that i had to. So i asked him to come over and meet my friend which he agreed to. Sometimes i think people are really good at putting on an act to impress other people, hence making it so difficult to trust them, or maybe they are genuinely like that but time and experiences make them bitter, i remember i was going to waste my food but he insisted on getting it packed and giving it to a homeless person, which kind of really impressed me. We walked to my building and i asked him to wait downstairs. My heart was beating in a weird way i couldn't possibly explain and my cheeks were red as i hurried up the elevator to tell my best friend the news. As soon as i opened the door, the first words that came out of my mouth were ‘ Resh, i found the one!’... 

She literally gave a big laugh until she taunted me on finding my soulmate off of tinder. Now when we talk about it, she always says that she never really believed that it would turn into something until it did. We went out for sheesha and i still had so many things to tell him. He was so much like me in so many ways. Oh i remember i was binge watching friends those days and i saved this snapchat of Chandler wearing a jays hat and guess what he had the same snap (okay i know its not a big deal, but at that moment it felt like a sign from God lolol.. kidding ). Well the night was getting lighter and we finally had to make our way home. He went his way and i went mine ... P.S that asshole didn’t walk me home! lol.... but i was meeting him the next day again yayyyy....

I THINK I WILL WRITE THIS STORY DAY TO DAY .. SO THIS WAS THE FIRST DAY.... DAY 2 Tomorrow...

[graceosborneba2a-blog]

Kevin

G: How did you become homeless?

K:I had a nervous breakdown kind of thing, and depression. And I, my relationship broke down, kind of thing.

G: How do you think people who aren't homeless view people who are homeless?

K: I think people are sad. I hid it when I was homeless, no one knew. I hid that I was homeless. It's only about six months ago I stopped hiding it, but before then I hid it. I was washing, cleaning, hid my stuff. I had a little bit of money, but not two much.

G: If you were to think back years ago before you were homeless, and you saw someone who was homeless, what did you think then?

K: I didn't think I’d ever be in hat situation, but wha I thought was, I wanted to help, I tried to give a sandwich or something. I though it was sad and I just, I wanted to help, I just thought it was sad to be honest. You don't ask, you don't say whats going on. Because you might not be able to help. I didn't realise there was so much help for the homeless, until I became homeless. I thought people on the street were starving, they cant do anything, they're cold, but theres so much help. Thats anther aspect, I did not realise there was so much help. There is places you can go and have something to eat, theres places like the soup run and they give you clothes and food, and I went to the Arch and got a sleeping bag cause before I was homeless I had a tent and a sleeping bag that  I got myself. But then they got nicked and I didn't have much money, so I got one from the Arch. I didn't know what BBH was or I might have come here as well,  I might have come to see CAPS sooner. I’ll always remember the first time I came here.

G: How much sleep did you use to get, when you were in the tent and outside Debenhams.

K: Sometimes about six hours, sometimes less.  Because it is noisy on the street, I had my shoes nicked once. You leave anything around people will take it, they think its funny.

G: Did loads of people sleep outside Debenhams?

K: I was on my own. I was where no one bothered me, the other side there use to be five or six people in a row. And they all knew each other. Then when I was there CAPS found me and I started talking to them. But before that I was going to commit suicide, but I saw CAPS and the story comes after that.

G: Whats the best thing thats happened to you this week?

K: This week? You really want to know? I’ve just moved in to a flat. I moved in yesterday, its not a council flat. I went from CAPS and BBH to Genesis house which is like a hostel kind of thing. Bishop Bridge is like the bottom of the ladder and then Genesis and then with in there theres a move on flat which is completely self reliant but theres still help if I need it.

G: Thats amazing, congratulations.

K: I came here on the 22nd September and then they asked my on the 27th December if I wanted a flat and then I moved in yesterday.

G: What three words would you use to describe being homeless?

K: three words, thats interesting, scared. Maybe, I felt dirty I guess even though I wasn't really, unclean maybe. And depressing.

G: What made you feel safe? Or what makes you feel safe?

K: safe? When I was homeless, I wasn't safe. I didn't feel safe.

G: What was the scariest bit about it?

K: When I got my shoes nicked, and when other people open your sleeping bag at night and say ‘oh no wrong person’. Theres people after each other, Ive known people who've been weed on, students think its funny. Someone had their sleeping bad set fire to, while they were in it. Groups of kids at night time, they kick the sleeping bags. You get spat at, people got stabbed.

There was something that happened last winter, there were two guy, young guys who were sleeping rough and they'd gone to sleep by one of the vents by castle mall, they curled up by one of the heating vents. In freeing weather, and a security guard from Castle Mall came out and threw a bucket of cold water over them. It mush have been mine three. They literally had what they were wearing, people sleep in what they've got to keep warm. And he threw a bucket of old water over them. They got down here I think with in 24 hours and I think the guys lost his job. They're human beings who are trying to keep warm when its minus 2.

G: What does the word home mean to you?

K: Safe, comfort, just normal really.  Like when you get of the street and come here, just a bed and a shower.  Lots of the time it's so cold you just cant sleep, you just wake up from shivering.

G: Where would you like to be in a years time?

K: I would like to have my own place and I would like to have a job. Be normal really. I never thought, thirty years ago that I would be homeless. Its all things people take for granted, thats what I see as normal. watching telly, sitting down, being okay, being safe. Having hot food, we take that for granted. Being warm, clean, hot water. Thats what I want.

G: Is there anything you think its important for people to know about?

K: The homeless need help, we do need help. There are  some bad ones on the streets, I m not saying there aren’t. But they make the good ones look bad. You only need one bad one. I’ll give you an example of bad, begging on the streets saying they've got nowhere to sleep when they have. Professional beggars.

G: I never know whether to give money or food or not

K: If you offer food and they don't take it that means they're not homeless. Thats my opinion. I saw someone give this couple who were begging a pizza once, and he got the pizza and chucked it in the bin, Ive seen that. I was disgusted with that, theres other people out there who are homeless and hungry they could have just given it to them. People out there do want help and I think the problem is a lot of people don't know they can get help. I did not know I could get help.

G: do you think theres anything the government could do?

K: They try, they do try, but there is so much homelessness. Everyday there is somewhere people can go and get food. People only can get help if they want it. If I don't want help then theres nothing you can do. I didn't realise you had to be registered as homeless with the council before you can be recognised as homeless, if you're not registered you cant get anywhere. You have to help yourself before anyone can help you.  CAPS, they have to see you on the street three or four times, and at different times, they wont give you a date when there gonna come or whatever. The first 12/14 months I just hid, I didn't want help so I wasn't  recognised as homeless, I was never recognised. If its too easy everyone would just be turning up at the council. At the moment I'm doing charity work, you know St. Stephan's Street church? Homeless can go in there and say ‘I’m homeless’ and get a free coffee and something to eat. Theres the soup run and kings on a Sunday, the soup runs a dodgy though, I wouldn't go. Dont go anywhere near it, people have been seriously hurt, people are desperate you know, and they fight.

Some people get offered rooms, places with the council but because they've been on the streets for such a long time and it's so ingrained in them they cant deal with it, they get scared. Having a roof and a bed just becomes so overwhelming and they're scared. Theres a lady who's got so many bags and she's been offered places by the council but she cant deal with it, she doesn't know how. Thats what the government need to work on more. Theres so many.

And it is overwhelming, I went from sleeping in Debenham door way to BBH to Genesis to my own flat in 4 months and I did feel depressed during, especially leaving here. But I’ve been volunteering, cooked at quakers and St Stephens Street. I cooked Christmas dinner here, and I loved it. That was on my bucket list, I’ve always wanted to do Christmas dinner for the homeless.

Its all started to come together when I nicked some sandwiches from Tesco, I was desperate you know and the police gave me a list of all the help you can get. The saddest thing, I’ve been homeless for to years and Ive only started getting help six months ago, six months, I didn't know you could still be on the job seekers if you were homeless, did you know that? So people might be getting that but they might not, you don't know. I didn't have a phone so they couldn’t get in contact with me when I started getting help, so I came in here to see what was going on and I waited a bit and then I got in, by timing and luck and my whole life changed. But I have been down, I wanted to end it, everything to be honest. And I did cut my wrist, and I went to Eaton Park where the boating lake is and the other lake. I went there, to jump in. And these ducks were following my around, wouldn't let me go in. I’m not stupid I know they wanted food you know but after that I went to see the ARK and asked for help.

This is what saved me, this place. This is the point from when things got better. This changed my live, BBH and all the staff. Well, i changed my life but BBH enabled me and helped me, I did the hard work but they put the support in. They help, they really did. Even the police helped.