#but now it’s even worse because I jsut keep thinking about

[a-small-writer-in-a-big-world]

These are not normal reactions

[jakesangel]

firsts w jake ꣑୧ - deep dive into new love w him

first hug

obviously you had share hugs w jake, but as the friendship flourished into further more, you both were too shy to hug again, even during the talking phase. but jake can not take it anymore. how did he went from having you so close to nothing at all ? he used to have you in his arms so many times in the past n now that he needs you the most, he cant ? because of his stupid embarrassment ? he just can't take it. you're worth taking the risk. so when he finally had the courage to ask you out, can i be your boyfriend ? n sees your flustered state, he would take you in a hug, the tightest n softest hug you both shared. he wouldn't let go, using it as a coping mechanism from his overflowing happiness but also wanting nothing but to keep you here in his arm. it would also be because he is too shy to back away, but seeing you not wanting to let go as well makes him even shyer, knowing the feeling he has for you are reciprocated.

first pet name

after a few days of dating, blue messages filled w heart emojis w his hand placed on his heart seeing your text, the honeymoon phase is hitting him hard. tho he still hasn't seen you since he asked you out, he needed wanted to see you and soon. are you free tonight, baby ? he'd text you, but as he realize he already used a pet name on you, he'd automatically turn off his phone afraid you might say no or even worse tell him you felt comfortable w it. that would make you fold, onbviously, and you wouldn't kno how it to answer it, nor how to react to it. but it didn't help jake who is waiting to hear to ting of your notification. he is only relieved when he'd see your funny keyboard smash n he'd think your cute, can't wait to see you tonight then, baby ;) he'd finish the convo, settling his phone on his chest, ridiculously already so down bad for you.

first kiss

as the date finishes goes by, walking side to side, hands almost touching, smile widely spread in each of you faces, jakes one would slowly decrease as he realizes that you arrived at the final destination : your front porch. he was so immersed in your heavenly laugh n your sweet scent, he completely forgot that he was walking you home. he still hasn't kissed you ? nor used a pet name on you irl ? the date cant already be done he needs wants to give you so much more !! i- i had lots of fun today, hed shyly say, his hands going to his fronts pockets, still unsure to call you how he wants to. i know it only had been a few days, but i really enjoy being your boyfriend, baby, he would then add, his eyes leaving yours. but they would immediately back on you, as he doesn't hear any reaction coming from you, only seeing your flustered mess, you cheeks' color matching his ears. so he'd remove his hands from his pockets, n come close to you, his shyness slowly fading away, you like that baby, a step closer, how i call you ? right baby ? another step closer, entering your personal zone. did cat got your tone, baby ? he would keep, your whines too amusing to him. and if you arent backing away, he would out his hands of your lower back or your waist, tasting the waters. come on baby talk to me, one hand going slowly higher to reach the front of your face. and as he puts your hands away, you trying to not physically fold in front of him, you look munch prettier with your smile showing, baby, he would voice out in a soft murmur. after what felt like minutes, but was just seconds if the both of you jsut looking at each other both wanting more but too shy to do something about it, he would break the silent, still in a whisper is it okay if i kiss you ?, his heart almost escaping his chest. and it's only then, after your shy nod, that he would finally feel complete. his plump lips molding on yours, his hand guiding yours to his hair n nape. he would giggle into the kiss, as teeth would collide or noses blocking each other, but to hind it's exactly how he wants. just a raw expression of love full of honesty n vulnerability.

first cuddle

jake is a gentleman. tho you've came to his place multiples time n he also came to yours as well, he'd never make you feel like he came w naughty intentions, he genuinely want to spend time w you. after numerous movie 'date' when you guys were just friends, it was the first time for him to come over as your lover, making him all shy. meaning it will be the first time, you see jake all giddy in the entry, waiting for you to show him around as if he never came here. if you asked why he was like this he would just laugh, his hand going to his hair rubbing a little, to cope w his embarrassment. even on the couch, he wouldn't sit next to you, but leave few cms between the both of you even tho you've been much closer before. n if he is really really shy, he'd even keep his hands, closed together, on his lap. but as he sees you scooting not so slowly closer to him, he'd understand that you aren't uncomfortable nor doesn't want him close to you. tho, it will make him even more shy : facing your wants n needs of him, is something still new, n as he is usually the cocky one, for the first still is quite unsure what to do. but he knows what he wants n he also wants you close. so he would do the infamous fake yawn to wrap an arm around you. he would feel so silly n his heart can't stop beating specially when he cant see your reaction. his heart would beat even faster, as you accept his advance n put your head on his shoulder. he would go red, too affected by your cuteness n his liking he holds for you. he wouldn't even focus on the movie anymore, but try to remember the way ur hairs falls on his nap n how it smells, ur cute chuckles, or even just you breathing against him. and even if he heart gonna explode from his chest, he would add his other hand, closing himself around you, comfortably laying together.

꣑୧ one month ꣑୧ one year

notes : i think i forgot english

@imaluckygirl @luvj4key @stwrjvke @amouriu @neos127 @goldenretrieverjakezgirlbaby @jaeyunpinkyring @pockettwinzz @jwsdoll @heeheeswifey @sjylouvre @txnwvc @oopshee

[thesilversun]

I don't need more fic ideas right now, but anywhere here's another one. -

Right at the start of the Di Feisheng amnesia arc, not long after he's woken up in Li Lianhua's bed, and they've done the 'I know I want you to live' scene.

Di Feisheng is looking round inside, trying to work out what kind of place this strange wheeled house is, when he finds his old Yingzhu armour, where Li Lianhua has been using it as a pot holder.

He's hit with a sudden return of some of his memories. It's a far from pleasant experience - horrible headache and dizziness, to the point he collapses (like he did when Fang Duobing catches him in the cave after zombie arc).

He wakes up again, he's in Li Lianhua's bed again. He's got his memories up to around the time he last wore the Zingzhu armour and nothing else.

Eyes closed at this point, because he still has a splitting headache, he can hear Li Xiangyi's voice close by. Had they gone drinking to celebrate the treaty? Or had they fought?

Nothing is forthcoming. Di Feisheng opens his eyes, and sees a man he doesn't know, but who is speaking with Li Xiangyi's voice.

He demands to know who he is. Li Lianhua tells him. Say's that he's his good friend, he'd written his name on his hand.

Di Feisheng looks at his hand. Li Lianhua's name is written there, but it make no sense to him. Why write the name of stranger there? Worse than that is realisation that there are new scars on his hands from fights he has no memories of, his knuckles more lined, older.

What has happened to him? Why can't he remember? The pain in his head flares and all Di Feisheng can think is that Master Di has managed to get to him. Who else could take his memories? He clutches his head, trying to ease it and keep control.

Li Lianhua not knowing that Di Feisheng can remember something now, goes with trying to replay the first time he woke up.

Di Feisheng gets flashes of it being said, and grabs Li Lianhua's wrist. Feels how there is both his own energy and Li Xiangyi's Yangzhouman in him and recalls the 'You tried to save me' 'You're dying,' he doesn't let go, 'Li Xiangyi, what happened to you?'

'He's not Li Xiangyi, I should know,' Fang Duobing tells him. 'I'm his disciple.'

'Who else has yangzhouman? I know him. I've jsut signed a treaty between our sects. We were-

"A-fei, please," Li Lianhua tries get him to be quiet and to let go of him. 'No, answer me! why are you different? why are dying? What happned to you.'

Di Feisheng getting more and more worked up, as he realised there must be a substantial missing period of time in his memories. "What happened to me?"

Fang Duobing, "He's not-" Di Feisheng grabs Fang Duobing's hand and puts it on Li Lianhua's wrist.

Li Lianhua trying to stop him, telling him a-fei is being ridiculous, it's nothing, that he really doesn't need to look.

Fang Duobing realises he is hiding something, and does look, a look of dawning horror and hurt on his face.

So Di Feisheng blows Li Lianhua's cover and revelaing the truth about who he is and the poison to Fang Duobing.

Li Lianhua standing there silently panicking not sure how he's going to talk his way out of this.

He's got Di Feisheng who remember's nothing of the past 10 years. And Fang Duobing who is staring at him, eyes rapidly filling with tears as he tries to process both pieces on information that have been dropped on him.

Anyway, going into the Mountains Red arc. Di Feisheng with only the memories of his 20 year old self, the horrors of the Di Fortress far closer in his mind. Fang Duobing being even more protective than before.

And Li Lianhua wondering if he can use this as an opportunity to run out on them both, because he's really, really not ready to deal with any of it. -- Anyway, this can join the increasingly large pile of fic ideas I have, but currently don't have time to write.

[rpking99]

The Paul Problem

Hey guys. So we all know this dipshit. The asshole. The figure face behind all that is wrong with Spider-Man right now . Well, with the writer of the book leaving in September, I thought it was about time to look over the Paul situation and why it sucks.

Now I am not going to go into the storyline in chronilogical order. Nothing like that. I'm just going to be going over a few key facts/moments and talking about why they dont work.

So first things first... he has NO personality. Like... none. Blander than whtie bread. More generic than the most generic isekai protagonist. Next, he exists jsut to cause drama and to not have Peter and MJ together. So with all that nonsense out the way... lets get to the real topics.

When Peter and MJ where trapped in an alternate dimension and had a chance to escape, what did Paul do? Just push Peter through it. Peter and MJ could have left at the same time, heck they where GOING to, but instead he pushed Peter through to get him out of the way.

This act lead to the "answer" to a "question" that the book had been building up to, as this was part of a flashback arc. The "question" was "What did Spider-Man do to make everyone hate him" and the answer was.... "nothing. He was trapped in another dimension and his return trip destroyed a city, which he did not know would happen and he had no control over"

Peter and MJ had been dating when Peter went through the portal. He then made EVERYONE he knows and trusts mad as he beat up friends and stormed through everything and anyone. He saved Paul and MJ... and MJ reveals she has been with Paul for 6 months. And the two where now together. MJ was cheating on Peter for six months

And to make that even worse, MJ basically just tells Peter to "get over it" like an unfeeling bitch. Just "No, I am not leaving Paul despite our years together. How dare you do that Peter. Fuck you"

Let's go back for half a moment and remember, Paul KIDNAPPED MJ there. He kicked Peter through the portal and left MJ trapped/stranded there for SIX MONTHS alone with him

One defence the writer keeps giving to try and defend Paul in the book is that he is a "Good Man". Well... let's go over a few of his "nice acts", shall we?

He wanted to leave/abandon two children to die so he and MJ can just run away

He used these kids to trap MJ in a loveless marriage for months

These kids where not real and actually illusions/manifestations of his fathers powers

Commited at LEAST one genocide with/for his father and did not feel bad about it

Punched Peter in the face because Peter pointed out his crimes and said he wasn't a "good guy"

Oh yeah and let's not forget that Paul only "turned good" because MJ "saw the light", AKA he wanted to bang her and is a terrible person as well as a simp but the writter thinks he is the true "tragic hero" of it all.

Now we all know how much of a "wonderful person" Paul is. Don't we all feel so much better?

...

Just three more months. Just three more months.

[ofmdee]

😵

been having some thinky thoughts today, and for a while, rly, abt my Feelings abt breathing underwater and i tried to type something up on twitter but that jsut was not letting me think my thoughts correctly

i love BU........... so goddamn much. it started out as nothing more than a silly idea abt little mermaid ed meeting stede and kind of ballooned into what ive built it up into today. it's so important to me... but it's making me a little miserable right now?

miserable because i dont want to work on it, but i WANT TO want to work on it, i want to tell this story and read the finished product, ive got so many ideas, but i just. cannot get myself to do the actual WORK of making sentences and then staging all the pics........... what used to be a fun little pastime now feels like a chore, an obligation, a compulsion almost. it sucks, but it sucks more NOT doing it, you know what i mean? idk.

i know ive built it up into this big THING to myself, like... idk, i do this so often, i have big ideas and love to plan and organize them and then i get going with such intensity until i abruptly fizzle out. i start things and dont finish them, and i guess i just rly dont want this to be another thing that gets thrown on my unfinished projects pile :/

i have the next 2 parts drafted, but every time i go back to poke at them and edit them i just get so disheartened because it's obvious that my heart wasn't really in writing them, and it's difficult to salvage a rough draft like that. part of me wants to just delete those parts entirely and say fuck it im taking an indefinite hiatus, and i will start fresh when this is fun again! which would probably be the best thing, actually, but... i am reluctant to do that, because i just dont have anything else to rly fill my time rn.

i havent been getting a lot of joy out of... anything, rly, for a long time now, im so bored and apathetic and even my normal go to things arent cutting it anymore. and idk if it's a depression thing or if im truly outgrowing some interests, but either way i know i need to get more Things in my life somehow, because writing and sims are my two biggest pastimes, and then i combined them, and then i got sick of both so ive got so little to go on! so i keep poking at the things that i used to love, hoping to find that spark again 😪 i love these little guys and their little world!!! and it makes me sad that im not actually having Fun with the PROCESS.

it doesn't help that i am constantly torn between man i wish more ppl read my fic!!! i work so hard on it!! and man i never want anyone to perceive me or my writing ever it's so amateur!! idk what i want and idk what i want to DO about it!!

so, idk!! idk where this is all going, lol, i just... wanted to try and organize these thoughts somehow.

trying to reason w myself that at the end of the day, i am writing a fanfiction. that's it. it's not that big of a deal, and yet it feels huge to me, somehow. I don't wanna let down the ppl who are reading it, and i dont wanna let myself down again, either.

BUT it's not supposed to make me feel miserable it is supposed to be fun i am lowkey crying rn because like urghghghgh why isnt it fun?!!?!

so. i think i gotta do some more thinking, because not making any kind of decision is making things worse! and idk, if all of this hasnt put u off of the idea of my fic, here is the series page lmfao i could use some encouragement i guess......

but i am going to seriously put more thought into an official hiatus, because i think i am getting Too preoccupied with it again and it's messing with me!!!

i actually had a decent time doing those kitty ed pics today, even tho they didn't do so hot, so maybe i am just gonna try to focus on that kind of thing, doing stuff that actually catches my attention, and also doing things without the intention of sharing them at all. allowing things to be messy. i get so caught up in the thought of someone else seeing my work that i paralyze myself trying to make it PERFECT.

i had a decent time doing that oneshot from ed's pov as well. so maybe i need to work on projects that are a bit smaller scale. i dont have to say goodbye to BU stuff forever, but i am just so ALL OR NOTHING that it feels like a way bigger decision than it actually is 😓

so i guess....... im gonna sleep on it for a while. think about it and try and come to a firm decision. because if i take a break, i need to REALLY take a break, which includes not thinking about it all the time and constantly beating myself up for not doing it 😅

idk, thank you if you read this far, here are a few kitty pics of ed for ur time:

[honestmouse20]

okay now that all 10 episodes are out on youtube in english, Ful lthoughts on monkie kid s5! spoilers under the cut :)

So, the big one. I really hardly notice the chance in animiation studio. I still see people being upset about it and saying its worse. But if no one had told me, I wouldn't have noticed.

On to the Fun stuff (pain)

This season is so freaking heartbeaking yall. Like MK has always felt like things were His fault, that he was bringing the chaos to the world. And then his Worst fear comes true. Nyua tells him that she created him For that reason. He exists for taht sacrafice and the demon (what's his name? the guy at the end?) only sped things up. Woke him up early. That's Insane! He really is the beginning of the end. And even when he Tried to do the right thing, sacrafice himself so everyone else would be safe, the universe/gods/whatever still were going to take his sacrafice and rewrite the world again anyway. And that's what Gets me about this season. Bc yeah MK listens at first and sacrafices himself. But the seccond he learns they've been pulling his strings this whole time and that his friends Won't be safe, he realizes taht he's still in control. He goes back to spend their last moments with his family and That ends up being waht saves everything. They share the power and prove that they don't need someone else calling every shot. it's just... a Lot for a lego show and im so so pleased with it.

Second thing! Uh we need to talk about Wukong in episode 9 and 10 bc oooh boy. NOt only was the man who was Terrified of dying to the point of becoming multiple times over imortal and taking his name out of the book of the dead WILLING to die so that MK wouldn't. But he fought MK with what I am assuming was his full power for the first time. MK wasn't holding back either. And that means a lot I think. MK is finally stronger (or maybe AS strong as him). Also the fact that MK used the circlet on him guts me everytime.

Also, adding onto the whole Wukong those last two episodes. What the Hell were those screams when MK 'dies'??? I have never heard something like that in a lego show. it gave me Chills. Like I fully expected him to yk get angry get Mean again but not just LIke That. That was so real sounding. Props to his va bc Shit dudes

third thing! Speaking of VA's god MK's was doing Just as good. All those little moments where his voice wavers as he comes to belive that sacraficing himself is the only way. God and the way his voice sounds as he tells Piggsy that 'jsut because it's hard doesn't mean it's not the right thing' (or something along those lines). This season Hurt me so much yall. Especially as MK chose to come back and Wukong catches him. And he just keeps telling him he's okay??? PAIN??

Oh and at the end when MK is just crying??? IM fine. Yep. His voice actor really nailed all of this. 10/10

Fourth thing! I said it in my other post but uhhhh Macaque?? He sacrafices himself Twice in this season. First into the Pagoda and then by using up a lot of his strength getting them all out of those bindings so SWK can save MK. For all their bickering this season (some might say like an old married couple) Maqaque and Wukong really do seem to be making up yk? and i mean not to mention at the end when they all think it's over and Wukong reaches for him????

Fifth! Are we gonna talk about the memory demon thign showing Wukong The fight with Macaque???? Like of all the shitty/awful things he's done and lived through, That is what the demon shows him to hurt him the most. And it is the Most painful thing bc MK's is all about his monkie side and sacraficing himself. And that's His biggest fear. SO it makes sense that Wukong( and the others) were shown Their worst memories. And yk the fact taht after he's cut free there are Tears in his eyes??? god Im gonna have to watch this season a few more times to pick out all the little details cause the tears thing I only noticed bc someone pointed it out in the comments on the video i was watching.

Final thoughts lol

This season was Incredible! Not only did everything MK has been through Finally catch up with him, something they've been hinting at since s1, but it did in a very satisfying way. I was on the edge of my seat all through the 9th and 10th episodes. I genuinly didn't know who was gonna do the sacrafice. And then when MK jumpped in, I was in awe bc this is a lego show. They wouldn't kill the main charcter. But I really like how they got around that. BC it doesn't Feel like getting around it. It feels like the thing mk Would have done. IF the goddess had told him that his friends were safe, MK would have stayed. 100%. The way his voice breaks as his knees give out when he realizes (incorectly) that they're safe. He'd have died to save them. The only reason he comes back is bc it was a pointless sacrafice.

The season as a whole was also really good. I was a bit confused why it was so easy for MK to get al the stones but then it was revealed that it was Meant to be. This was supposed to be his destiny so things litterally fell into his lap. That was a really nice touch I think. I also really loved all the character interactions! Piggsy calling him son Repeatedly. MK saying he has a ton of dads. Just. Big emphasis on family and i Can't Wait to see how MK's almost sacrafice is gonna change things in following seasons! Bc that was a suicide attempt guys. He saw a world better without him in it and tried to die. if you take away all the fancy wording that's what it is. And ik lego would never yk Say that. but they're already tackling bigger themes than they have before (in this show and dreams and ninjago) so I have faith that they'll go somewhere with this too. Clearly Mk is still terrified and hurt by everything so I really hope eveyrone will come together to try and help him through all this. And yk the next big bad. Can Chaos be a big bad??? I'm so excited for S6!

[kusundei]

im so fucked what the hell. i knew w dr dastvan i KNOW i know you. i know you and im fucked. no because i tried i swear i did and i am trying im sorry im not the same. im not and im sorry ive regressed a bit but isnt the road to recovery not a straight one??? theres always going to be bumps??? i didnt mean to okay. i didnt mean to get THIS bad and i forget i cant just lie my way through this. i keep praying maybe theres something wrong with me that isnt just somehting in my head like shes saying i want it to be and im praying over and over again. maybe there is something wrong w my blood and my health and my heart and its not just me. i didnt mean ro i truly didnt and i dont know why its still happening???

i dont ever really mwan to enable myself ive just made it far too normal. i know and i knew and i acknowledge it all the time but i dont know what keeps preventing me from jsut getting over it and focusing on myself. i know im not eating enough i know im sick i know i can feel it i know i know i know. i dont know why i cant just get yp and do it ESPECIALLY when im hungry. honeslty its so much worse if im not w ajax because i do feel hungry w him but at home ik myself i wouldnt even eat at all i dont think. i know most of it is still fear and i am also just trying to focus on recovery and not be evil ab it and me gaining because if i start acknowledging thay then i will tweak and i will be evil again. i cant do that i jeed to just accept it bcuz my health is important ajd its not likr anything will change ive been 150 for so so long?? more than that too??? i expected to be 160 for the rest of my life not 130. not 127. she keeps going on about how if i lose more weight (intentional or not) i will be sent inpatient. 120 is my evil evil red zone. i had to lie ab passing out i cant confess rhat. theyll be to oevil and irs not eben just them its my mom. i admit it okay maybe i am disordered. maybe the testosterone did sctually decrease my appetite but i got it to this point. i enabled mtself in the way i knew how because it csaw the opportunity and took it. i didnt intend on going this low i told myself 145 just to see. just because i was curious. now look st where i am if ive fucked up everythint ive built so far again it genuinely is so over and its all my fault again. again again again i will never win and im fucked

[my-castles-crumbling]

Hi Cas :D hope ur doing well :))

It’s Processing Anon again, and thank you ur last answer was really nice and it made me feel a lot better so thank you dearly <33

Unfortunately, not much of a happier update since nothing has changed, I’ve kinda jsut grown more averse to helping there. In all honesty my inability to be social messes me up there and hearing my mom, sister, and some random guy tell me I suck is kinda terrible for my self confidence. I just don’t want to head back there anymore even though my mom says I should (in fact I don’t even think she wants me there, told her so and she didn’t exactly deny it, pretty sure she just wants me to work) (which fair)

It doesn’t help that my older sister is starting out there today. I’ve kinda always had a weird inferiority complex with her so in a stupid way it jsut feels as if it’s another thing she’s taken to better than me. Like reading, drawing, building a relationship with our family, socializing. All that jazz. (The only thing I have to me is just writing honestly) and it’s kinda stupid, again, because it’s obvious to me that my mom wants her there. I love her, cuz yk basically raised me and stuff, but ig there is this resentment as well? Which sucks because I know it’s just cuz I simply suck at certain things.

And my grandparents are nagging me about work, they keep asking me when I have to go back to that go forsaken place and it’s stupid and sos annoying because they tell that I should go to make money. Which I don’t even actually make any money since I’m still considers a trainee. (It’s kinda of annoying since the only thing my parents ever talk about with me is getting a job and making money, but I understand why I’m not)

Honestly it just feels as if it’s getting worse and worse because the more I see my sister and mom, the more I feel kinda of isolated? Like I don’t have any parents at all and I’m just a wandering ghost here and there. It makes me kinda think why I bother trying. Especially since I know that in the end, my family’s probably gonna disown me for being trans. Everything just feels really unfair for some reason, and I know it’s stupid but I just turned 15 a week ago and I don’t want it to start my 15th year like this.

Thank you for listening Cas, everything is just kinda weighing on me and I’m glad that you are willing to listen. Thank you again for the last answer, it felt really validating and like someone actually heard me for the first time <33 :)))

Hi hon!

I'm so sorry it hasn't gotten better. I know it feels awful now, but I promise things will get better, even if it takes some time. Until then, I'm here to listen <3

Remember that you ARE very capable, even if people are making you feel the opposite. Your feelings are valid.

[gayspock]

ok 1 menty b for me

i dont know. i think its just always been so alienating. i think theres something wrong with me and its unfixable. and sometimes, if i cant have anything else, i just want at least the fucking chance to express that without people thinking even less of me. and ik in reality nobody even gaf or sees me. but i also know know that if they did, 9times out fo 10 people would be rolling their eyes. whatever. idk. i feel so lonely and i dont think im ever not going to be lonely and its never going to get better because even when given the resources, the opportunities i just can never manage . i just cant . i swear i try . but every single time. my whole fucking life . i just walk away from everything with even less, it feels like. and its getting so much harderand harder. and i dont know how to express it liek ... i fucking feel myself SEETHE as ppl keep insisting "theres still a chance! there's still hope!" like sure bro. but i dont want to fucking keep living my life along the fucking asymptote of getting consistently closer to dying alone but "haha technically its not a certainty" and . like theres just something so fucking repulsive about me and i just cant seem to fix it no matter what. and im so exhausted all the time. and i genuinely dont think theres any way out of that . i go to work and i come home so burnt out and tired. and people are nice there but i dont think i can really connect with anyone . i just cant seem to get close to people . and i dont have it within me to meet anyone else because im so fucking tired all of the time .

and even if i did and i mustered all the energy and spent all the little time i had left in the world i dont think theyd have time for me. not just bc nobody in their 20s does but also because i dont know . it just never seems to work . and i cant do it again where i try to invest every little piece of me into it when its jsut always left me fucking miserable and pathetic. bro do you know what i mean. not to be 16 and lame as shit still. i feel like im always the idiot ppl take pity on at best . i dont think ive ever been real to anybody. like alwaysssssss...... and even now i feel like every time I HAVE existed within circles of others. its literally 10 times out of 10 just constantly fighting to be included and seen as someone whos not a fucking joke and i just feel like such a fucking . loser for caring so much about it when. REALISTICALLY. pretty much all the people ive met in life will have forgotten i exist. and ok. ok. i just dont think ... like its not like some trait within me right like ... im not As melodramatic to be like oh . oh theres an actual innate trait within me thats activated and stops people liking me. just. the contrary like. i just think theres nothing within me to actually like . or to gravitate towards. so likeyeah sure . that makes sense. why WOULD you want to bother with someone whos just kinda hollow or whatever.. something something or other. and i kind of wish i was more resilient about tht. but i jsut . i guess as is a Guy of that Nature, its just ... im trying to fucking not fucking spiral but i just feel myself fucking filling up with fucking . miserable SHITTY bile or whatever because i just wish i felt normal or whatever. its such a fucking human fucking thing that other people can MANAGE. but i cant . its so so fucking hard and i cant do it and i cant handle it. and i just feel so angry sometimes anyways . bc i hate it . and i keep trying bc i wanna make peace with it because i know theres no out . like ive long since given up on ever thinking its going to work out . because nothing fucking helps but makes it so much worse . anyways. i dont know. but i dont know bro. it drives me fucking insane when people always spout some bs about how "haha everyone has someone! everyone will find someone! like no they dont no they wont . its so .. so much more isolating. or like "EVERYONEEE feels lonely sometimes" like HOW does that help. HOW. and it makes it so MUCH FUCKING WORSEEEE when people tell you about how lonely they are too!!! like cool . i dont have a chance then. sorry i know thats such a bitter bitch thing to say. but idk if it rlly matters like ... at the end of the day idc when ppl have partners. or people they talk to. family who loves them. and youre still lonely. cool. thank you for letting me know, dude. go back to the people who will look out for you and love you whilst i sit in the dark and not speak to anyone for weeks whilst not a single person would even notice im gone .

or like. bro. i dont think a single person has taken me seriously for long enough to ever fucking like me or hold me in enough regard to like... want to talk to me again nevermind like be with me in a certain sense so i jsut. i dont know. sits alone. every fucking day for years maybe. i dont know. i feel so fucking sad and angry knowing deep down that i can know all this and know its true but even then . i cant even have that . people wont even take THAT part of me seriouslyand think im just some fucking idiot whos not even trying. when i really reallyhave but its just so... worthless it feels like . it feels like im never getting anywhere and everyone thinks i just gave up when i didnt. and i dont know. thar makes it sound like people actually see me and really are laughing or something when i dont think its nearly that much. i think its like oh people see me make that as a snap judgement and i fall out of existence again. and i dont know. it shouldnt matter but i feel so fucking strung out and exist between these instances only and idk. idk bro. im trying to be okay with it. but as im getting older i just feel like theres so many more things that are revealing themselves as worse and worse. and im going crazy. im going crazzzzzzyyyy . whatever . insert the mental breakdown gifs . the funny ones where those guys aremoving really fast

[unicornsaures]

urrrhhhhhvggggg i try not to make vent posts a whole ton but alas, ya girl is not doing so hot

tw// sh😁

guys do not do what i did and like. purposely trigger yourself with your own sh from a year ago because oh my god in. its. i feel so absolutely fake my scars were so much worse last year and now theyre just gone and i thought i was fully recovered its bren a year and. and im still crying over it and i thought i was done crying over it. I thought i was done crying over literal scars and i was. i mean i thought i was exaggerating when i said the closrr i get to the date ill br one year clean its getting worse and. nope! no, no that checks out!!

Its all my fault i got triggered in the first placr too. I knew what i had in my eyes only wnd i knew that checking it would only make me spiral and here i am just. crying over it. its sending me back to last year where its i just its only oj my hod i csnt be doing this again i really csnt be doingthis again ive bren doing so well and then. and i dont want to i really dont but im still tjinking about it and im still telling myself i want to but i dont i never did i always wanted to say ive been 1 year clean but i dont think ill rver even be able to make it to that point if i keeo self sabotaging like this. i mean t barely even counts ive basically just replaced cvtting with eevry other unhealthy coping mechanism under the sun but i should be better than this i shouldnt rven be thinking sbout it i shouldnt even be thinking that i can go back i shoulfny be in this situation at all and if it werent for me i wouldnt even be in this situation in the first placr ebcause i dont know how to keep myself away from tjings that i really need to stay away from

i really shouldnt be caught ip on this but its. i was. i was thinking aboht whag would happen if i would look back on photots earlier and and i knew i wouldnt be okay with it i knew i would snap the moment i did and wow its almost like forced recov only made me feel guilty for it and ohmygod kill me now i should be better than this i should be better than thjs ive had crisis called so many times ive been threatened by my parents for this so many times im worrying eveyrone around me and im only getting worse and everyone has to wastch me spiral but they cant do anything because im jsut too fucking oblivious to my own issues but im just too scared to readh out to anyone because how am i gonna say that i triggered myself without sounding like i planend this i didnt i swear i didnt plan to break down over this i promise i didnt mean for it i didnt want to cry over it i dont want to think abiut it anf i dont want to go back ive been doing sowell i swear im just worrying rveryone i dont want everyone to start checking in on mr in the morning just to make sure im still alive i font want people to messagr me in the middle of the night to make sure im not dead im so sorry ik so sorry

im just as tired as i was last year the only difference is thst im not actively trying to kill myself over it even if i really. wiuld like to thats besides the point the point is im just as weak of a girl as i was last year but last year i could at least hanfle pain now i just fucking snap whenever someone raises their voice or whenever i get. acut i break down and whenever i get hurt it only reminds me of the past 4 years that ive spent doing nothing but putting myself through mental hell and im realizing tbat ill never get begger i cant get better ive bren trying and i just csnt

i cant do it ive tried ive been trying why am i not getting anywhere why am i still stuck on the thought of sh i shouldnt be thinking about it i shouldnt miss it i shouldnt be upset that my scars are faded i shouldnt still have the ideas and images swirling aorund in my head because theyre always there and ill always have these scars and ill always br fucked ip and i wont ever be able to fix it ive had so many people worry and theyre worrying and worrying and i just dont care im such a horrible person i

i shiuldvr stopped for my parents they had to skin check me dsily for almodt a year straight and here i am just fucking itching to go grab something, literally anything just to go back and in so stupid im so stupid i did this to myself and im still being a pussy about it i shouldnt be thinming abiut it i shouldnt be crying over it whats wrong withme

[arcadequeerz]

Just thoughts.

Dad died on October 18th. A lot more people showed up to be there, then i thought would of. Lots of people from his church, and his brother n his wife- n some cousins I haven’t seen for years, and my moms sister. I think the worst part was when they turned off the ventilator, and he started to make noise- and that’s the moment it kind of hit me what was happening. Wasn’t fun hearing it, wasn’t fun seeing my mom sob over him and my sister cry.

Will be having a service for him at his church, in November. The church is paying for it all n providing food- which we can’t thank them enough for. Expecting a lot more people then I expected to be coming- I had no idea how many people loved him.

And it kind of just. feels weird. Had a small memorial for him at the church w his bible study friends, and they were sobbing, and telling fond stories about him- n talking about how kind and sweet he was to everyone. And it kind of just hit me how: it feels like we’re mourning two different people. 

Because I don’t understand: hw he could treat them so kindly, and care for them- and then come home and treat my family n I so horribly. I know he loved me and I know he cared about us, but I don’t kno w why we couldn’t get that too. I don’t know why he couldn’t of treated us like that and told us he loved us at home, and told me how proud he was of me when he was here, instead of all the times he called me useless to my face because I forgot to do the dishes or something.

I hear about how he talked about us all the time, and we meant so much to him and its just. feels detached and like I’m hearing about someone else's dad n not mine. I know he loved me, he told me as much the last time i heard him speak. Told me he was proud of me, told me he just wanted me to be happy, and do something with my life- and all i could do was nod and cry because I don't know why he couldn’t of told me that before it got to this.

Told me the last time i heard him talk, that I'd always be his daughter even if I ‘wasn’t anymore’ and i wanted to tell him I’m not- but didn’t seem right. And in a stupid sense I wish I could of been that, and my mom says he never cared, and he loved me all the same: but I just don’t know why he couldn’t of said that instead of That- or why he couldn’t of Told me that Himself.

And I feel mad- because I don’t know why we couldn’t of had that dad those people from church love so much, and talk so fondly about- and I hate feeling like this because its not like I can ask him! I just gt left all this and I don’t know what to do with all of this now.

I just kind of feel numb and detached from all of it, and everyone. yes I’ve cried but I don’t think its been enough- because my family keeps asking me if I'm ok, n when i say im ‘fine’ they give me weird looks. I don’t think I should be fine, i should be inconsolable, i should be sobbing, my dad just died but I rly can’t.

Kind of feels like everything's falling apart, but it probably has been for the last several years, this is just the thing that might bring it all down around me n im just kinda too tired to try and pull myself out of the way. Feels like I’m jsut sitting here- waiting for something horrible to happen, like the next: awful thing to happen because things just keep getting worse.

Anyways. it feels like the universe hates me. so just.

[obsidiancreates]

All my live Season 3 Episode 1 reactions

Starting with a Katara-style narration flashback, okay.

She grew up in an old farm? Sheesh.

Oh god he doesn't even have his mask on. Oh, Leo...

RAPHAEL KEEPS A CONSTANT VIGIL OHHHHHHHHHHHHH I AM BROKENNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN

MIKEY YES EMBRACE FARM AND DON'T LET THE DARKNESS CONSUME YOU MY LITTLE LIGHT IN THE DARKNESS

OH DONNIE YET AGAIN THE WEIGHT OF THE FUCKING WORLD IS ON YOUR SHOULDERS TO CREATE YET ANOTHER IMPOSSIBLE CHEMICAL MIRACLE TO TRY AND SAVE SOMEONE IMPORTANT IN YOUR LIFE AND LOVED ONES LIVES MY BOYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY

APRIL where you been hiding those drawing skills girl?

Feels like a fucking lie to have the normal theme playing right now when EVERYTHING IS BROKEN AND NOT AS THE SONG SHOWS

Mikey what the FUCK was that sound you made

Ahhhhhh okay now I see where the Casey x Donnie comes from. The cassic "smirk and surprise attack and then fighting while one smirks and the other snarls" scenario. Still don't know if I ship it or not but at least now I understand the origins.

OH SHIT SHE FUCKED RAPH UP

Okay no yeah, Casey is flirting and Donnie doesn't understand it- oh no they might both be flirting

PFFFFFF RAPH YOU DON'T BELONG IN THE SEWERS EITHER

Casey did you actually say "Whoa that's deep yo" unirinically?

OH RAPH SITTING BY THE TUB OHHHHHHHHHHHHH NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO MY HEART

Oh shit He-Man parody

WHY'D HE ATTACK THE SLUG PEOPLE OH GOD CROGNAR IS WORSE THAN CAPTAIN RYAN

Oh god Maskless Leo + Seth Green voice is a disturbing combo- 3 MONTHS?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

Was nothi- RAPH DON'T DOWNPLAY YOUR WORRY EMBRACE THE SOFTNESS OF YOUR HEART

Oh Donnie you sweet boy, I don't think it'll be a "no-time" situation, no matter how hard you work on that medicine...

RAPH NO DO NOT MAKE HIM FUCKING FIGHT OR ANY SHIT HE JUST WOKE UP AFTER A 3 MONTH COMA DONNIE MIKEY APRIL CASEY WHY DIDN'T YOU STOP THIS

NOOOOOOOOOOO HE'S GONNA PASS OUT OH NO THE MEDICINE DONNIE MADE WAS A BAD OH HE WAS JUST TRYING TO HELP

FUCK DONNIE IS SO SAD SOUNDING ABOUT SPLINTER

OW HE'S OUT TO FIX THE ELECTRICITY TOO DONNIE YOU'RE THE ONLY ONE HOLDING THIS FARMHOSUE TOGETHER SWEETIE WELL YOU AND MIKEY SINCE HE DOES THE ACTUAL FARM STUFF

IIIIII'm sorry, did I jsut hear the "chi-chi-chi" sound effect from- uh. That famous horror movie that I don't know which it is because I'm not allowed to watch them?

Oh Leo no, no sweetie no more splitting up, why do you always say to split up, every single time? At least his leadership skills weren't made worse by the coma... but they certainly didn't improve, either.

EXACTLY RIGHT MIKEY, HE IS FUCKING LOCO

Donnie. Donnie, baby, I love you tot he high heavens. I'm your biggest supporter. Your #1 cheerleader. But if you act like Casey and April being alone together is more important than the safety of one of your brothers one more time, I'm flushing you down the same toilet that Splinter was flushed down

Yeah, Leo, exactly stay at the farmhouse BECAUSE YOU JUST WOKE UP FROM A FUCKING COMA

Casey now's not the time I think, actually- oh shit, April's been giving him the cold shoulder? Ah, but she makes a good point about the whole. Dealing with trauma puts the fun teenage semi-dating on hold.

DONNIE SHUT THE FUCK UP ABOUT THEM BEING ALONE TOGETHER I- YOU THINK THEY'RE FUCKING?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!??!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! DONNIE DON'T MAKE ME TRAVEL DIMENSIONS JUST TO SLAP YOU

Okay mood, I'm the eldest sibling instead of the youngest but my brother is taller and I always ask him to check stuff first

Oh poor Donnie, his "medicine" made more monsters.

So that thing just took Raph's mask, right? It's not actually Raph?

Pinned... by his mask?!?!?!

OH SHIT IT GOT CASEY TOO NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO LET MY SWEET BOY GO

Yeah, no shit that did nothing, it's a plant. Those bitches survive knicks all the time- IT'S JASON HOLY SHIT WHEN DID WE GET TO FUCKING FRIDAY THE 13TH AND WHY DOES THIS CHILDEN'S SHOW HAVE SO MANY FUCKING HORROR INSPIRED EPISODES

STOP WHINING?!?!?!?! LEO SHUT THE FUCK UP AND DO NOT TALK TO YOURSELF THAT WAY YOU ARE HEALING FROM A COMA AND NEARLY DYING IF YOU DON'T SHUT UP ABOUT WHINING I'LL THROW YOU INTO A HOSPITAL

... Poor sweet chinchilla? Hey uh Donnie I mean it when I threaten you

Yeah no fucking way that was the real Raph

OH SHIT LEO BE CAREFUL HONEY YOU'RE FRAGILE AND HEALING

LEOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO YOU FUCKING MONSTER LEO JUST WOKE UP HE'S BEEN CRIPPLED AND HE'S ONLY A KID GO AWAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY WITH YOUR HORROR SLASHER INSPIRED PLANT ASS

It CANNOT be Raph, I'm telling you!

Fucking hell, Nickelodeon was just out to give kids nightmares huh?

YES CASEY MY BOY NO FEAR ONLY ATTACKING YES INSPIRE THE OTHERS TO GO AT HIM

THIS BITCH WON'T FUCKING DIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

GET YOUR HANDS OFF OF LEO YOU ASSHOLE I WILL BURN YOUR COMPOSTABLE ASS

LEO HOLY SHIT THAT WAS BADASS

EVERYONE STOP PRESSURING DONNIE BY ASKING IMPOSSIBLE THINGS OF HIM OKAY HE'S UNDER ENOUGH PRESSURE WITHOUT EVERYONE ASKING IF HE'S SURE HE CAN EVEN DO THE THING

Oh shit, it really was Raph. What?

Casey... slightly insensitive, sweetheart. Pull back a little. Raph died for a while there.

AWWWWWWWWWWWWW LEO DID A VIGIL FOR RAPH TOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO AHHHHHHH BROTHERSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS FAMILYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY

AND DONNIEEEEEEEEEEEE YET AGAIN WORKING ALL NIGHT TO TRY AND SAVE PEOPLE WHO SHOULD BE BEYOND SAVING BUT HE'S SO DETERMINED HE MAKES IT HAPPEN ANYWAY OHHHHHHHHHHHHH MY BOYSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS

Awwwww Mikey also happy his brothers are being loving to each other!

Oh god the jar cracked- oh ending card Blue? Blue instead of Red? Signifying change?

Good return ep WHY DOES THIS SHOW HAVE SO MANY HORROR-BASED EPISODES AND ARCS

[jakesangel]

unrequited love w jake - 𝒔𝒕𝒓𝒂𝒘𝒃𝒆𝒓𝒓𝒚 𝒌𝒊𝒔𝒔 event request

preview : he is always putting you first, why can't he be his girlfriend. allas, you're only his childhood best friend

word count + genre : angst ( i tried to ) . 3.1k ( word vomit so it's not proofread

warning : dorm roommate, childhood best friends, confession, rejection, happy ending, reader gets in her head easily but never cries, jake is a sweetheart

having jake as a bestfriend is the best thing possible in the world. the sweet australian boy who always help you for your physic exams or who's being his dog layla when you're on your period. but it's also the worst thing because of random girls asking you for his number or being hugged by him because you're his cute little sister. it's even worse because no boys are hitting on you, being too scared of to hit on the leader soccer team's favorite girl. so you're jsut left to watch your love story inexist, daydreams of kissing jake the only thing you can do.

baby y/nie ? are you listening to me ? he said with a pout when he realized you werent listening to his usual lego rants while doing lego. sorry jaeyunie, i just keep thinking about our last exam, but i'm here now, you say as you try to convince him tho the pet name made you sadder than what your thoughts did. y/n ? youre okay ? his worry overtaking his body, dropping the lego piece comming closer to you, you know im here for you hm ? his round eyes searching yours. yes, i promise yunie ! im sorry for worrying you, please tell me about that star wars lego set ? to pretedn to the fullest youre acrually okay, you finish your sentence with your hand on his cheek, smiling softly at him but it wssbt needed as hearinf the wors star wards and lego set together pearked his imaginary puppy ears. he goes back on the set, talking about how excited he is for the pieces to arrive tomorrow, indirectly asking you to do them with him tomorrow . i'm studying tomorrow yunie, i’m not done yet with the last chapter, you reply with some sadness filling your voice, not believing of what you gonna say next, but you could do it with emma ? he gives you a confused expression that can only warms your heart, emma ? why would i do lego with her ? its our thing baby y/nie, he answers nonchalently, as he places the last piece on his now finishes thor hammer. finally ! its looks so good isnt it ! he shows you the piece finally done, come on we need to put it up, it's the best one we've ever done ! he excitedly said, jumping on his feet to go to his bedroom. you followed smiling to his puppiness but also from his unasked reasurance. wouldn't it be better in the living room ? i want to see it too, you say w round eyes too, genuinely wanting to see you guys work everyday. which he is more than happy to comply, his love for your happiness alwaya taking over when it fomes to you. omg yes ! always having good ideas, y/nie !, kissing your cheek as he goes to tje round tbale in the center of the kivinf room.

it comes to a shock, coming back from classes to see the said emma on the sofa, checking the lego pieces done just a day before. oh hi y/n, i didn't hear you coming, she said staying on the sofa, just turning around, not even greeting you properly. she has that arrogant smile of hers, paired w her high knee boots and mini skirt. you smile back, going straight to your room, studies waiting or you, you know i should thank you for talking about me to jake but it would be hypeocite of me to do so. we all really really hate you, so please, once jake is mine, stop bothering me hm ? she warned me before turning around to reapply your lipgloss. you can't even defend yourself as jake comes back from his room, smiling at you. baby y/nie ? how was your day ? he asked as he comes for a hug. just classes, you know how it is. you ? you hug him tighter to piss emma even more. as much as he will never date you, he is still your jake and everyone knows it, that she likes it or not. dont wait for me tonight, im having dinner with emma. but i made you your usually study snack and ive made a study plan waiting for you on ur desk. please use it well hm ? he softly says, detaching from you, see you later baby y/nie, domt stuyd too late! he says, coming closer to her, not even looking at her but taking the girls hands, making her proudly smile at you, winning the mental battle you both had. he doesnt even see it as he waits for you to bid him goodbye, which you gladly do, not forgetting to add the baby innfromt of his name, makimg him giggle and getting a frown from her. finally gone, you enter your bedroom, plopping on your bed, softly sighing, taking in everything that had happened. why would she hate me ? ive never ever talked to her, but when she asked me his phone number. and who is we ? are the girls threatened by you ? do they think i have a chance with jake ? or even the boys ? that would explain why none of thek ask me out ? but what about him ? is emma even his type ? she is pretty and seems smart but she is also so arrogant and entitle ? cant he see it ? or is it actually what he likes ?

trying to study is useless, your thoughts belonging to jake, you can only take a shower and pray for the best tomorrow. but even as you shampoo your hair, you can't help but think about emma's reaction. was she really scared of you or is it just her usual self ? so you've been standing there, the water hitting your scalp, for 30 minutes, trying to figure out what you should do. if she was really scared of you that means you can actually have a future with jake as your boyfriend. all the baby y/nie or little gesture will come out as romantic and not as his little sister anymore. as you realized you have a chance, you finish your day in peace, eating the snack jake made you, his infamous ramen, heating it up before going the watch a movie on the sofa. it's only mid movie in, you hear the keys in the door, announcing jake's arrival. i'm in living room ! you whisper yell, letting him know of your presence. y/nie ? why are you still awake at this time bby, he say wrapping his arms around your neck, are you done studying, he finally whisper in your ear, making you all fuzzy. not really, but i saw your study plan, i'll read it before sleeping. join me ? the movie is almost done. you offer, your head titling so you can look at him, i also want to cuddle with you and you can tell me about your date ? you ask cutely, knowing jake wouldn't never say no to cuddles with you. anything you want bby, he says with a kiss before detaching himself from your back. he would smile as he lay on your belly, indirectly asking you to play with his hair, which isn't even needed to be asked. he rubs his face on you, almost cat like, and hums finally getting comfortable. did you have a bad day yunie ? you seemed okay earlier. you softly ask, still brushing hair hair. yeah, it's just emma. she isn't how i thought she was and she talked bad about you so im just disappointed. i could never date someone who doesn't like you bye y/nie, you mean to much for me he says, his head finally lift up, looking right at you. besides she is too much of a diva, i prefer someone like you. someone who wouldnt judge me for playing legos or playing with my hair without needing to be asked to, he smiles at you. i'm really lucky to know you y/nie, he finishes, his head finally going back on the rubbing, acting as if those words were normal to be told, but you know jake is someone really vocal, specially to you, but you can't help but hear something else. like he wants you. and more than just friends. me too yunie, im really really happy to have you by my side. besides who wouldn't want to play with your soft hair, i love them so much. you say making the both of you giggle. and it's like that, the day ends, jake laying on you and you playing with his hair, comfort filling the living room.

omg jake wake up ! we're gonna be late for the exam ! is how up you started your day. but you're now, here, almost tearing where you were soothing jake yesterday who is now the one comforting you, which is something you hate the most. i'm okay jake, we don't have to talk about it, let's just order pizza please. jake knows you aren't the type to talk about your feelings, specially when you feel like crying but for some reason today he can't stop pressuring you, come on y/nie baby, we can talk about it. im sure u didn't do that bad, you'll do better next time, he tried to reassure you, his hand coming to your hair, stroking it. jake, you said, going back, leaving a inch between the two of you, i do not want to talk about it. are you gonna order them or should i do it, you reply almost too coldly. y/n please, i know you, you don't have to keep it in. i'm sorry you feel disappoint- if you know me you'd know i don't want to talk about it nor do i enjoy being in this position right now, jake, you cut him off leaving the living room to go in your bed room, leaving a sad puppy by himself. you feel awful for snapping at him, but you couldn't help it as your nerves are already hanging w a thin thread because of that exam. and having jake all over you, interrogate you with question over your feelings is too much.

you didn't realized you zoned out, right here, sitting up on the edge of your bed, until you hear jake's knock on your door, y/n ? can you open the door please ? you hear a scared jake on the other side of the door, yeah come in, making him enter your bedroom. he never looked this sad, your best friend never wanted to make you sad or be the cause of your distress. ive ordered the pizzas do you want some ? he softly ask, slowly coming towards you, scared to do the wrong thing. it's in the kitchen if you do want it. he is finally in front of you, kneeling up to see your face. i'm sorry if i pressured you, y/nie, i know you don't like being vulnerable. i don't know why i pressured you. he softly tells, his finger lifting your chin to look at him. my apologize baby. he finishes with his eyes asking for forgiveness. i'm so sorry too, i shouldn't have lashed out on you, you say as you throw your arms around you. you're always so so nice to me, i shouldn't have snapped at you. i'm sorry jake, you really dont deserve it, as your arms thigthens around his neck. hearing you, only made his heart sadden, he picks you up by your thighs, to make you more comfy in the bed w a come on baby,let's get you comfy. you can only giggle to that making his heart and mind happy again. once settled, your head on his chest, his on your pillow, a comfortable silence falls upon the both of you. his arms encircling you and his thumbs softly stroking your skin, his soft scent filling up your nose, made you feel such at peace. cuddling with jake is always so calming and comforting and it's somehow making you fearless to tell him your true feelings. jaeyunie ? you say looking up to him, asking for his attention. hm ? he just replies , already looking at you. always looking at you. i feel really good with you. i love being in your arms or playing with your hair. you're confident jake likes you back, he wouldn't be here if he didn't right ? me too y/nie baby, me too, he softly chuckled, happy that you arent mad at him anymore. no jake i mean it, i love it all. youre so nice, and smart and i just can't help but want to be more than your best friend. you expected to see a jake smiling at you, but you're faced with a jake with a confused furrowed brows. what ? as he detach himself from you, to actually look at you, looking for any joke in your face. i hate it when you go on dates with others girl or when you call me baby because im a year younger than you, i want to be the one holding your arm on friday nights or being called baby because you like me as your gf, you explain yourself, the end of the your phrase said in a whisper. and the once comfortable silence became anxious to you, jake processing your tirade. do you not feel the same way ? you asked scared of his verdict, but that only made him leave the room, shock overtaking him.

since then jake been avoiding you. the once nights fulled of braiding jake's hair and legos are now replaced with the living room empty, the light always turned off. jake spent his time either at practice or in his room, even avoided you in the kitchen, going in when you leave or leaving you when you go in. you on the other hand, is busying yourself with studies trying to do your best for the next final but it's mostly to stay in denial of your current situation. you've lost your best friend, and every time you come out of your room, the thor hammer keeps reminding you of it. he even stopped offering his help for any studies, or prepared you any study snacks. he stopped looking at you or mentioning you. the girls also stopped coming to you for his number, sensing the shift of your dynamic with him, but going straight to him. it even more painful now to see so many dolled up girls all over him, all of them knowing you aren't in the picture anymore. so here you are, spending a friday night by yourself after the long week full of studying n repressing your feelings. you know jake isn't going to be here tonight, surely in one of many dates he has, so you snuggle yourself on the couch along with snack you bought yourself earlier. but it came to a surprise, to see jake arriving at 7pm. he stops when he sees the tv light on, not knowing if he should greet you or not. he simply stay frozen, the both of you staring at each other, but like a week ago, he leaves you alone, going into his bedroom. and you thought all of this didnt affected you that much, but as you have nothing to focus on anymore, you can only cry, right there, in front of the movie you picked earlier, for the first time in a long time.

the tears keep failling down as the movie goes by, the tv light the only thing linking your mind and reality together, you can't even hear how loud you are. your sobs doesn't go unnoticed by jake, coming out of his room. you don't even hear his first y/n ? your back the only thing he can see. he never saw you nor hear you crying, and the scene in front of you is way too funny to make you cry. so he calls again, louder, with no answers but the slightest from the movie. he tries one last time, with a hand touching your shoulder, making you leave that weird trance you were in. jake ? you say as you wipe your tears. wha- what do you want ? you ask, failing to pretend that you are okay. he doesn't reply right away, coming to sit next to you. he opens his arm, a sign of an invitation not sure if you're okay with it or not, but still wanting to offer. you on the other hand were craving his touch, so you juts crawl on his lap, hand clenching on his hoodie, tears automatically coming back.

he lets you cry for a while, still trying to soothe you with hair strocks and shhh, even rocking you side to side but as he seems your tears don't fade away, his hands leaves your hair to hold gently the both side of your face, y/nie look at me please, he whisper. but as you can't even dare to look at him, a mix of shame and sadness filling your body, he'd just start kissing your tears. come on y/nie,as he keeps on pecking your face, i want to tell you something but i need you to look at me first, the long time per names finally coming back. you slowly turn your eyes to his, only to see adoration on his, speaking silently to you. i am so sorry of how i reacted this entire week. i was so shock when you told me you liked me, i genuinely saw you like my little sister, my long time bestfriend i've always had. i couldn't possibly imagine myself dating you. but i should have told you that instead of being a dumb ass. and then i felt so so ashame, i couldn't even face you in the kitchen. how i could i make the most important person in my life,so sad and, he stops, a hand coming to his hair, trying to find his words, i just couldn't bear it anymore. that time away from you made me realize that i in fact like you too y/nie. i cant live without you baby. who will i do my legos with ? or go home to, to have my hair played with ? or eat my not so good ramen whne i make them, he says between chuckles, making you laugh too. what i wanna say is that, i dont want any of those activites to be done with anyone else. i just want you y/n.

notes : hai anon, i've never written any fic before, n im not even gonna talk about the angst, i hope it feeds you well tho > < i actually didn't want to write it as i don't write anything fictional but i somehow liked ur request so here it is <3

⋆ ˚｡⋆୨🍓୧⋆ ˚｡⋆ tag list : @dreamiestay @jakesprincess1

perm tag list : @allurecile @luvj4key @stwrjvke @amouriu @neos127 @goldenretrieverjakezgirlbaby @jaeyunpinkyring @pockettwinzz @jwsdoll @heeheeswifey @sjylouvre @txnwvc @oopshee @luvlyhee @en-ner-jay @en-chantedtomeetyou @erenmyman @driedflowwr @hoonion . @enchive @enhablr

[hospitalterrorizer]

diary296

7/11/24

thursday

have eaten ice cream. feeling depressed.

not about eating ice cream. just because i freaking cut my hair today and i think i cut the sides too short and it makes me sad like really sad like my hair was pretty now the sides are too short i think and i just hate my face but i think it frames my face a little better or something or i don't even know i'm just sad because i think i am making myself uglier and uglier or maybe i am just getting really ugly now, suddenly. i can't think that way or else i will jsut go and hurt myself . but i don't feel good. i feel really stupid. i make my bangs too wide i think is one thing. i could just let the sides grow out a little longer i think. but i am stupid. i am stupiddddddd. i hate my face and panic like an animal in quick sand and cut cut cut until i feel better but then i look and feel worse and i know or think i know no one would really even see a difference. i am just so stupid it hurts myself. it hurts to be inside myself.

so i am just sitting here listening to katie dey's flood network feeling very stupid and tired already at 8 pm.

i sent the email to the cassette guy with the j-card stuff + the wavs all labeled and everything. hope he sees that and is like "cool" and then i'll be like "cool."

anyways. i dunno what else to say. i cooked today and that was nice, and my gf was watching joe biden fall apart on her computer, and i asked about the future, and she said if it gets bad she will hide me away. i really love her, i wish i were not something that might impede her life in any way. does my presence in her life make it less easy for her to be normal, does being not normal make her life harder?

i guess that's how that works, by definition.

i am also upset today because i did cut my bangs they aren't too short i think it's just the sides went too high i guess. i should have tried to just keep it a little bit um more of an oval thing, more pronounced i guess. i hate that i can't feel okay about myself longer than a day i hate feeling ugly all the time i can't take it anymore sometimes or that's how i feel. it's really hard.

maybe the final piece of beauty being labor is that, like much labor, it's final piece which consummates or completes it, makes it true, is the faith essentially in its completion or its end. this isn't to say anyone needs to feel that for it to be complete, but the notion is that as one labors and suffers, one puts stock into what makes that suffering occur in the first place. there is a point. feeling pretty, at the end of all the labor, this is a final piece which creates prettiness, maybe the most important part, the faith is the most important function in that most terrible labor where one's self esteem is abandoned in favor of... i dunno... being image, maybe. but i was always image. so i dunno.

it makes me want to cry too much to think about. but my lack of faith in myself or its impossibility, the final part of being pretty is believing you are, i can't, but also, there's some kind of freedom in this. i know that my desire is one which hurts me. i just can't give it up. i wonder if cutting my hair is just something i do instead of cutting my arms.

just putting this here to break up the misery.

tomorrow i think i need to at a minimum work out 5 minutes of music for the short film, ideally, maybe 10 minutes. i kind of want the song to be continuous. though idk. i guess that might not work. i should just try 5-10 minutes in aggregate for the scenes i have been given. then maybe try and figure some lyrics out for stuff so i can work out new song-y songs to release for whatever is next.

i am tired and truthfully for some reason i want to wake up and have tomorrow be today and that none of this happened. i don't know why but since a kid i've felt that very much, a very regular feeling/wish.

anyway,

byebye!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[farther-then-a-feather]

I. Do not wish to post this on my main blog, and it is not poetry, however

Stories that are about people and their actual struggles, about growing as a person, about finding out who you want to be as a person

Are sometimes hard to watch when you dont have direction. Of course that is part of why i love them so much but I cant get over

The way Id want to be in 10 years is dead. And that is. Not what i want to be thinking, but I am long past where i expected to live to, and while i try and try to plan and functiin and do the day to day and be there for and with the people i care about I just

Im so tired, and if I am this tried now when will I not be tired? If I can barely get out of bed and do the most basic of self maintenance how do i expect myself to find stable job?

When i was younge ri wanted to move out at 16. It hs been 4 years since that goal but it feels like so much just. Getting methaphorically beaten down in how much i cant follow through

Because. I know I have a lot of time ahead of me, and I know it will likely get better in a theoretical sense, but often it just doesnt seen worth it, why am i putting myself throught this? I dont enjoy life i just. I wish i did i try so much, i go outside, i

I dont know what to do, my home life took a turn for the worse a few years ago after an incident

And I feel like i need to explain myself and ny situation, to justify how i feel, to have a reason for being so tired and dyfunctional

But I know, Its not that. Because I hit 15 andIjust. I lost any idea of purpose or. J ust. I had a huge depressive episode, there are several months of it I barely even remember

And it wasnt over something huge, it wasnt a life changibg event outaide of my control. It was a pile up of stress due to expectations and how easily i could logic myself out of doing what i actually want

Because I dont tell people what i want to do. At this point i dont think there is anything I truly want to do outside of decompose slowly in the mud. Preferebly cold and wet so i suffocate ina terrible manner to feel the adrenaline of it all

And its not good and its not reasonable but the mix of stress and hormones and then jsut. My own week willedness. I just. I dont stant my ground. And very few people who know me would ever sya that about me but I jsut. I dont say no, I jsut dont say yes because ill fail at doing more then half of anything

and i thought for the longest time that i didnt feel guilt, but it was jsut because almost all i felt Was guilt. For not being good enough, for not caring enough, for not doing enough, for not being Able to make myself more even when i know logically i should be able to

And i can rationalise my way out of anything and everyone close to me would be able to answer what. y goals are because i have plans. im decent at making plans

but i dont really want to follow thru with them. they are just me, grasping at straws trying my best and failing over and over again and

And I try so hard to build support networks, to make friends, i care so much about my friends but they jsut keep moving away and i keep failing at properly keeping the friendships as strong long distance and i just dont know what to do anymore

i jsut want someone to stay, to care for me and

[hand-stuck-in-shredder]

the angst is KILLING ME up in here HELP ugh

warning this be long

lavender, man... i havent thought about Dhuurg in a while (i named my durge and didnt.. anticipate him growing on me. u dont just namechange a child at 25 thats not how that works) cause. Durgetash. but, man. i suddenly cant move onto what im actively working on/am supposed to be finishing because this shit keeps worming its way into my brain. lavender isnt even supposed to be his "canon" but i jsut think itworks so Well for him. he has puppy eyes and i need him to struggle and be anguished

i dont think id end up writing about how he Actually ends up but.. he tries to start up a new cult, become a proper god, you know. Average Tuesday shit. lots less angst of how to learn to live with yourself after getting fragmented (spoiler alert: u cant) and missing something without knowing What youre missing n Why. the body/being remembers the mind forget et cetera.. i dont think lavender would be particularly durgetash centric, i think itd be more of a solo-piece with it being more in the background, but.. still, itd be a motivator enough for him to lose his shit when doordash dies. like what do you MEAN someone so important to me vanished just like that and i couldnt do a damn thing about it?!? even if withers (note: havent finished a durge run yet and havent been 100% spoiled. let me cook) made sure u no longer got dat Bhaal in u, for dhuurg i think it kinda just went dormant until well. that. he had a fine and dandy week of being himself until oops! tragedy! ur living with a demon again yay except this time its just murderous for the sake of habit/grieving and less because of Bhaal. youre literally just like that. you are actually an evil person. good luck coping because unless u get off the bathsalts ur not gonna be able to have an iota of a sense of "self" because surprise, u and your pal are now more integrated than before and there is no seperation anymore, your tadpole is also gone and things are So much worse because of Everything. the lavender doesnt just supress the urges it supresses U now. sedation? somewhat. you live in a beautiful field of lavender out of fear for yourself and what you are. you are softlocked, is this not for the best? there are no horizons left for you, the sun has set and the stars mock you with their long-gone light.

on the lowkey.. it occurred to me that this might be slightly reminiscent of mental illness that's somewhat stigmatized and im ngl while i dont think this concept is the same as that/taking inspiration from something that really real people suffer from, i am being cautious to kinda avoid those themes and trying to be aware of what exactly im goin for. this is more a, two snapshots of two technically seperate people fight for ownership of the body that may or may not be really theirs, with different motives, its.. idk but dhuurg cannot catch a break.

i needa learn how to draw so i can draw dhuurg being cunty and sucking gort within a negative inch of his life. he deserves something good after this ok