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arcadequeerz · 2 years ago

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Just thoughts.

Dad died on October 18th. A lot more people showed up to be there, then i thought would of. Lots of people from his church, and his brother n his wife- n some cousins I haven’t seen for years, and my moms sister. I think the worst part was when they turned off the ventilator, and he started to make noise- and that’s the moment it kind of hit me what was happening. Wasn’t fun hearing it, wasn’t fun seeing my mom sob over him and my sister cry.

Will be having a service for him at his church, in November. The church is paying for it all n providing food- which we can’t thank them enough for. Expecting a lot more people then I expected to be coming- I had no idea how many people loved him.

And it kind of just. feels weird. Had a small memorial for him at the church w his bible study friends, and they were sobbing, and telling fond stories about him- n talking about how kind and sweet he was to everyone. And it kind of just hit me how: it feels like we’re mourning two different people.

Because I don’t understand: hw he could treat them so kindly, and care for them- and then come home and treat my family n I so horribly. I know he loved me and I know he cared about us, but I don’t kno w why we couldn’t get that too. I don’t know why he couldn’t of treated us like that and told us he loved us at home, and told me how proud he was of me when he was here, instead of all the times he called me useless to my face because I forgot to do the dishes or something.

I hear about how he talked about us all the time, and we meant so much to him and its just. feels detached and like I’m hearing about someone else's dad n not mine. I know he loved me, he told me as much the last time i heard him speak. Told me he was proud of me, told me he just wanted me to be happy, and do something with my life- and all i could do was nod and cry because I don't know why he couldn’t of told me that before it got to this.

Told me the last time i heard him talk, that I'd always be his daughter even if I ‘wasn’t anymore’ and i wanted to tell him I’m not- but didn’t seem right. And in a stupid sense I wish I could of been that, and my mom says he never cared, and he loved me all the same: but I just don’t know why he couldn’t of said that instead of That- or why he couldn’t of Told me that Himself.

And I feel mad- because I don’t know why we couldn’t of had that dad those people from church love so much, and talk so fondly about- and I hate feeling like this because its not like I can ask him! I just gt left all this and I don’t know what to do with all of this now.

I just kind of feel numb and detached from all of it, and everyone. yes I’ve cried but I don’t think its been enough- because my family keeps asking me if I'm ok, n when i say im ‘fine’ they give me weird looks. I don’t think I should be fine, i should be inconsolable, i should be sobbing, my dad just died but I rly can’t.

Kind of feels like everything's falling apart, but it probably has been for the last several years, this is just the thing that might bring it all down around me n im just kinda too tired to try and pull myself out of the way. Feels like I’m jsut sitting here- waiting for something horrible to happen, like the next: awful thing to happen because things just keep getting worse.

Anyways. it feels like the universe hates me. so just.

#||Dnt Reb/og plz||#Cade.vnt #just me rambling. about things. n feelings.#n i didn't even go on about shit w the church but whatever i'm too tired 2 type more n theres alrewady so mch shit on this post

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arcadequeerz · 3 years ago

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God I love being Xenogender <3

#||Dnt Reb/og plz||#Cade.Txts #being xenogender makes me epic and cool #i'm seeing people wanna change the def n it makes me nervous HJKGLMFDJNG like im not saying #people r not allowed to not want the gendrrs they've coined called 'xenogender' when they r not it-#but idk!! brain dont like the idea of it being changed as I rly like- describe myself #AS xenogender.#i usually describe it as like...gender identity that cannot be described w widely used gendered terms- or like- gender identity #in which ones gender is described in more of like- things- or animals- emotions n song- that can't be described in a ~human~ sort of way #or like..outside the norm i guess? i dont like refering 2 things as 'norm' is more cus of lack of better word #(like idk whatother word 2 use)#idk if his makes any sense i am simply rambling.#i have gotten very comfortable like- describing/explaining my gender in like- feelings- or aesthetics- n such?#it feels more true to my gender identity n feels right d:] like i v mch am a gender hoard n every one of my genders #make up like- facets of my gender identity/come together to make it.#my gender v flux- n fluid- n all over the place but its like- all of my genders regardless if i feel like one more then another sometimes #n im always like- masc- transmasc- im femme transmasc xenogender n flux/fluid w #my other facets of my gender idenitiy. IDK IF THT MAKES. ANYSENSE. but yeah.#like i can say lately this has b een the most- happy i've been w my identity #n the most me i've felt- n i feel happy.#am femme bear transmasc xenogender n im epic #anyways i will stop rambling JHKGLFDSNJG posting this mskes me nervous for some reason #so this Miht be deleted later if i get too anxious about it HJNKMGLFDSJNG

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arcadequeerz · 2 years ago

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if you feel the need to use ‘school shootings’ as a gotcha to every light hearted joke americans make about your country then I have the right to beat the shit out of you <3 its only fair.

#||Dnt Reb/og plz||#Cade.Txts #its not funny. i'm not laughing. i dont give a shit if you meant it as a joke i'm going to beat you bkack and blue #you don't get to have a opinion or make jokes about it if you pull shit like that lol. shut your fucking mouth- you know nothing.#the moment anyone makes jokes like this i feel nothing but rage. your not fucking funny. your pathetic for turning a tragedy like this into #somerthoing to be laughed at n joked about all because a american made a joke about british people.

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arcadequeerz · 2 years ago

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as a reminder. I support ms-pec ga-ys/les-bians. I AM ms-pec gay to begin with. If that’s a issue then The unfollow and block button exists for a reason.

#||Dnt Reb/og plz||#Cade.Txts #makinf this perfectly clear to people. do not rb this post. if anyone gives me grief for this ur being blocked

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arcadequeerz · 3 years ago

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#||Dnt Reb/og plz||#Cade.vnt #oop cade venting on main dont mind meee #aha everythng feels like its falling apart lol #everything is crashing down On me n i am just to exhausted 2 give a shit #so i'll just lay here n let it crush me n kill me.#was screamed at today about hq im fucked up and need help #was great.#i love being told im fucked up in the head n need to be sent away #all cus i was sat on the couch half sdleep.#lol. ok.thank yu #as always i need to take it all because they raised me n did the bare minimal n what they were obligated 2 for a child #its not my fault you had me. r rhat tyou didn't aboet me when you had the chance.#24 year old mistake just in the way n taking up space no matter how small i try n make myself.#i am tired. im just tired.

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arcadequeerz · 2 years ago

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#||Dnt Reb/og plz||#Cade.vnt #dont know whats wrong w me and why i can't be happy for even one day #everythings too hard and i am too stupid and weak to handle any of it #life just keeps getting more fucked up and im just reall y tired of everything and want it all to stop #im tired im so tired n i cant take much More.

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arcadequeerz · 2 years ago

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tired of everything just steadily getting worse.

#||Dnt Reb/og plz||#Cade.vnt #moms just gone 2 the hospital.#i just want everything to be ok gor jst a moment. n for things to stop.#i dont know whats going on and i think thats the worrst part of It.

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arcadequeerz · 2 years ago

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#||Dnt Reb/og plz||#Cade.vnt #there is a lot of shit i have to do but u'm just tired #i am tired of existing and taking up space anymore. im tired of being real. i kinda just wanna not exist anymore #keep being told to hold on and it'll get better and i'm just tired of waiting and hoping when things just keep getting worse and worse #tired of jumping through hoops in hope people will help me only for them to act like i dont even exist. im tired of trying.#anyways wah wah im sad and tired and reaching my limit but i've been like this countless times n its stopped mattering #i wanna say im sorry to my friends because im never fun to be around anymore or talk to or anything aymore. i just sleep n thats it.#also sorry for venting all the time.

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arcadequeerz · 2 years ago

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I hate Therapists.

#||Dnt Reb/og plz||#Cade.vnt #not a single one has called me back. not a single one.#i've called. so many. none of them even fucking answer half the time.#i leave a voicemail- and none of call me back.#some of the numbers that 'supposedly' take my insurance aren't even active/in use anymore.#some of these plaes wont even return my call because they no longer take my insurance- and won't answer to tell me so who knows if i am #wasting my time trying to call any of them back #half the resources i am given: no longer work. no longer take my insurance or aren't even answering when i call #i am trying so fucking hard to get help but no one is answering and i am at m limit i rly Am.#the one place i was getting therapy at dropped me and wont even talk to me because i ~missed too many appointments~#when every time i had to i called them- and it was because of family emergencies- n i talked my my therapist directly about it #and then for months they woyldn't even return my calls or answer when i tried to schedual a appointment. the only time they answered they #did a 'intake' and said to call back in five mins. we did. they didn't answer. we left a voicemail. they never called back #and when i tried to schedual a appointment they tell me that they will no longer take me.#i am right at that edge. i'm falling apart and i am trying to get help and no one fucking cares and my family is telling me to do more when #im jut trying to do this #i'm just tired.#of everything.

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arcadequeerz · 2 years ago

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everytime i feel like i’m getting better, and finally not thinking about what happened it all comes back and hits me again and its like it just happened all overaggain

#||Dnt Reb/og plz||#Cade.vnt #trying to be okay i wanna be okay but i can't and i hate everything.#ttrying to focus n gfinding stuff for my comfort blog but its hard.#if anyones awake culd i get some asks #if it isn't too much trouble. i just need to not think about things.

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arcadequeerz · 2 years ago

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Unable to accept reality of things and i just want to not exist.

#||Dnt Reb/og plz||#Cade.vnt #i'm not going to be ok and i wont be eber and i'm never going to get over an of this

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arcadequeerz · 2 years ago

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I love you kin community but I feel so far disconnected from it.

#||Dnt Reb/og plz||#Cade.Txts #it sucks because i wish i could be 'active' in it #and interact w people more- but im too anxious to because it just feels like #the wider community is so determined/set on deeming if someone is or isn't really kin or not.#being kin is v important to my identity and i don't need or want people to look at me and try n decide if i 'really am' or not.#have thought of joining discords but again that makes me v anxious KJHJGLFKDSJKG #the community is so cool n amazing but i sometimes just feel like. a outsider n like i do not Belong.

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