#||Dnt Reb/og plz||

[arcadequeerz]

Just thoughts.

Dad died on October 18th. A lot more people showed up to be there, then i thought would of. Lots of people from his church, and his brother n his wife- n some cousins I haven’t seen for years, and my moms sister. I think the worst part was when they turned off the ventilator, and he started to make noise- and that’s the moment it kind of hit me what was happening. Wasn’t fun hearing it, wasn’t fun seeing my mom sob over him and my sister cry.

Will be having a service for him at his church, in November. The church is paying for it all n providing food- which we can’t thank them enough for. Expecting a lot more people then I expected to be coming- I had no idea how many people loved him.

And it kind of just. feels weird. Had a small memorial for him at the church w his bible study friends, and they were sobbing, and telling fond stories about him- n talking about how kind and sweet he was to everyone. And it kind of just hit me how: it feels like we’re mourning two different people. 

Because I don’t understand: hw he could treat them so kindly, and care for them- and then come home and treat my family n I so horribly. I know he loved me and I know he cared about us, but I don’t kno w why we couldn’t get that too. I don’t know why he couldn’t of treated us like that and told us he loved us at home, and told me how proud he was of me when he was here, instead of all the times he called me useless to my face because I forgot to do the dishes or something.

I hear about how he talked about us all the time, and we meant so much to him and its just. feels detached and like I’m hearing about someone else's dad n not mine. I know he loved me, he told me as much the last time i heard him speak. Told me he was proud of me, told me he just wanted me to be happy, and do something with my life- and all i could do was nod and cry because I don't know why he couldn’t of told me that before it got to this.

Told me the last time i heard him talk, that I'd always be his daughter even if I ‘wasn’t anymore’ and i wanted to tell him I’m not- but didn’t seem right. And in a stupid sense I wish I could of been that, and my mom says he never cared, and he loved me all the same: but I just don’t know why he couldn’t of said that instead of That- or why he couldn’t of Told me that Himself.

And I feel mad- because I don’t know why we couldn’t of had that dad those people from church love so much, and talk so fondly about- and I hate feeling like this because its not like I can ask him! I just gt left all this and I don’t know what to do with all of this now.

I just kind of feel numb and detached from all of it, and everyone. yes I’ve cried but I don’t think its been enough- because my family keeps asking me if I'm ok, n when i say im ‘fine’ they give me weird looks. I don’t think I should be fine, i should be inconsolable, i should be sobbing, my dad just died but I rly can’t.

Kind of feels like everything's falling apart, but it probably has been for the last several years, this is just the thing that might bring it all down around me n im just kinda too tired to try and pull myself out of the way. Feels like I’m jsut sitting here- waiting for something horrible to happen, like the next: awful thing to happen because things just keep getting worse.

Anyways. it feels like the universe hates me. so just.

[arcadequeerz]

God I love being Xenogender <3

[arcadequeerz]

if you feel the need to use ‘school shootings’ as a gotcha to every light hearted joke americans make about your country then I have the right to beat the shit out of you <3 its only fair.

[arcadequeerz]

as a reminder. I support ms-pec ga-ys/les-bians. I AM ms-pec gay to begin with. If that’s a issue then The unfollow and block button exists for a reason.

[arcadequeerz]

[arcadequeerz]

[arcadequeerz]

tired of everything just steadily getting worse.

[arcadequeerz]

[arcadequeerz]

everytime i feel like i’m getting better, and finally not thinking about what happened it all comes back and hits me again and its like it just happened all overaggain

[arcadequeerz]

Unable to accept reality of things and i just want to not exist.

[arcadequeerz]

may not really be active for a while here.

[arcadequeerz]

Excited for pri-de month but also very much dreading it for the dis-co-ur-se n shit I’ll see.

[arcadequeerz]

I hate that I can’t ever be mad d:)

[arcadequeerz]

not to immediately get deep after funie post.

But thinking about how I was diagnosed with ADHD as a child, and then not told anything about it, and was just given adhd med after adhd med as a kid even though like- every single one I was put on caused me to ha ve bad side effects. I only knew I had adhd, n had learning disability, and was never TOLD what it was, or what it meant. I only found out about what ADHD really WAS, was when I joined tumblr n read posts about it. Hell I still do not know: the name of the learning disability I have and was Diagnosed with. Like all I know is: it has something to do with math???

Like. Idk. kinda fucks me up to think about. I remember feeling like there was: something wrong with me as a kid, and not knowing anything- and just hearing adults talk about me like i was ‘messed up’ and ‘slow’- i was constantly treated like a burden for needing extra help. Like I knew I had adhd- I knew I had a learning disability, I KNEW I had depression after I was diagnosed, and anxiety- but no one explained it or anything to me.

Like Idk. Kinda fucked me up. I was just told these things- was never explained what it meant and jsut had to live with it. I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety in middle school? i think- I can’t really remember- And I wAS just not told what it meant- I obviously knew the bare minimum- but I didn’t know anything but that.

Idk if this is just how it is. And your supposed to figure it all out yourself- but no one told me anything. And even Now I still do not know things- I still have trouble understanding just how much: Depression, Anxiety, and adhd really effects me- or it effects me at all. Obviously it does- It really does because people tell me it does- like my mom does. Friends do. But I never really see it as anything, its just Normal. Like fuck it was only like- a year or two ago when I learned about what RSD was.

And I dont know how to talk to therapists about: what if I am/have this- or whatervger- because everyone jsut doesn’t Listen to me and I get told its nothing even if I clearly have concerns.

Sometimes I wonder if like, I actually was told things- and explained things- if stuff would of been better. Idk whwre i am going with this, i am just spitting out words and thoughts and idk if it makes sense. just thoughts. Lots of thoughts. sometimes I think i am just. stupid to not know these things. it makes me feel dumb- and small, and like I know nothing.

[arcadequeerz]

Do not like how people R treating Monty.

[arcadequeerz]

Also ouguh. only like- 20 more days still pride month.