#but now i've lost my insurance so i can't even see my doctors which is great

[telemiel]

it's fun to be 26 with shooting, aching pain in most of my joints while no doctor ever takes me seriously

[genderqueerdykes]

I’ve seen more and more people being affected by the pornbots in the trans tags. Does it annoy you too?

And just as a general check how are you doing?

that's actually a very good question- yes, it does

it's been happening to almost every queer tag but it's been particularly rough in the trans tags. trans people posting erotic photographs of themselves isn't something that bothers me, what bothers me is exactly what you mentioned, the bots. i can easily block certain tags to not see trans erotica but the porn bots just don't care

whenever i go into a tag like "trans" or "transgender" i'm looking to hear about others' experiences with being trans, look at some trans art, share other people's experiences and journeys with transition, and so on. i don't want to see random porn everywhere that has nothing to do with trans people especially. tumblr did not achieve anything in trying to ban porn because now its just everywhere again

and its not even good like at least in the past a lot of it was by trans people for trans people. now it's almost entirely scams. they existed before but they're way worse now. i report and block them whenever i'm able to but it's a nightmare. as someone on the asexual spectrum, but sex positive, i just don't want to see stolen images of random girls. again i don't mind if it's porn for and by trans people, especially because that can easily be blacklisted, but it's impossible to blacklist the porn bots because they don't play by the rules

trans porn is generally well tagged so that you can easily block that from showing up in your tag searches and dashboard, whereas the bots are trying to avoid getting blacklisted. it's frustrating. i'd rather people look at trans erotica instead, at least it would be on topic. this is just taking people's attention away from trans sex workers and it fucking sucks

also thank you for asking! i had to rest and drink a lot of fluids after the gastric emptying study yesterday. i have my consult for gallbladder removal surgery in 2 days, which i am looking forward to. i had no idea that was such a big issue, there were a lot of guesses being made before i finally got a CT scan. most doctors were humming and hawing about how my insurance "won't" pay for those scans... but it does. if they go about writing the referral and getting diagnostic information, my insurance pays for those types of scans. it's not just x-rays my insurance covers, but doctors assume it won't be covered due to me having insurance for very low income people (medicaid)

after surgery i'll have to talk to someone about my liver. i'm not sure how long i have to recover from gallbladder removal surgery, but we shall see. other than that i'm doing alright, just navigating the symptoms that's been causing most nights out of the week, reading some queer books i've borrowed from the library, talking with my neighbors, and resting. my neighbors are also disabled and are very kind, well, at least my immediate neighbors, and one at the end of the street, as well as an older guy who takes walks up and down the block very often. these people are all very kind. i like talking with them and hearing about their days.

i also give them any meat the food bank accidentally sends me which is good because i hate the idea of just throwing it out. i've been able to cook a lot of very nice meals lately now that i have some more pots and pans and cooking tools. i lost a lot of mine while moving but i finally have enough to cook reliably and more than one thing at a time :) i was given a lot of brown rice from the food bank because i can't eat meat and a lot of their items contained meat and i've found i like brown rice a lot, honestly more than white rice. it takes eons to cook but it's worth it, especially if you add soy sauce, sesame oil, or other seasonings into the water as it cooks

thanks for checking in! i appreciate you, take care

[brave-symphonia]

Soooooo what did you think of episode 8?

I...don't know.

I don't know how to accurately describe my thoughts on how much I loved it.

The way it was split into two sides, one showing Talulah's past as she heads down the path that eventually brings her to be who she is now, and the other showing Amiya and the others getting closer to Reunion.

The way that as you get closer to her, you also get closer to understanding what she went through and how she got here? So good.

There's also the fact that it takes Mephisto, the first villain we're introduced to, who I wrote off as a one-note villain who just likes to cause suffering, and turns his character around for me.

To the point where at his end, I was honestly emotional at how he got here, everything he went through and lost up to this point making him who he is.

The developments with the Doctor and all the revelations and setup there for the future.

Then there's the gameplay of the flashback levels, playing through them, being helped by Talulah as she protects people, fighting your enemies. And then that level where she kills all those civilians in the same manner, in a level that you have to sit and watch.

Amiya pulling out a sword that's a copy of Chi Xiao and fighting alongside Ch'en! And us getting an actual animation of that with a vocal music track!

And then there's just Talulah, everything about the truth about her. How it was actually Kashchey controlling her after his death, how it was never her.

And yet, while they could venture into a situation where she's not responsible for anything, they make it clear it was all something she would have been okay with on some level.

Kaschey couldn't make her do something she would never do.

And then there's her living, because she has to live for the people that died because of her, she's not allowed an easy death, she has to live on and take responsibility for what she's done, even if it wasn't fully her.

And I'm not sure how clear it is that those last two are things I really felt, and things that I absolutely loved in another character I love from a different liveblog that I've done. She even has white hair at times, too!

And I love the reasoning that's given for Rhodes Island having Talulah. That it's because it's the only way to stop those countries from destroying Rhodes Island.

And how that ties into a talk that they had earlier in the chapter, when Kal'tsit said that Rhodes Island needs to avoid looking too big, otherwise they'd be destroyed. This made them a bit too big, so Talulah is their insurance.

And then that scene where we see Talulah talking with Kashchey, saying she refuses to give him control again.

I can't wait to see how that develops.

I worry that it's a long shot, but I would definitely not be against Talulah as an operator one day.

I mean, she's in Rhodes Island, she's not antagonistic to us, she's powerful, why can't we just add her to the team?

Anyway, this is all to say, that I absolutely loved Episode 8, my favorite story so far in Arknights. Which is fitting for the conclusion of everything so far.

Also, the final image of the episode:

This fucking got to me. It made me tear up at least a little bit.

Just thinking about how far the story has come since we first saw this, how much more of Ch'en and Talulah's characters we've seen.

And seeing them there, innocent little children, it fucking gets to me.

[thunderheadfred]

Life stuff update!

Haven't posted about this first bit anywhere because... wow personal, but it's been a majority chunk of life lately.

Husband put in his notice at his current teaching job a while back. He's been working there for 8 years and is supposedly one of their most valued teachers, yet he barely takes home $100 more per paycheck than when he started. Plus our insurance is insane, taking most of his check every month whilst covering literally fucking nothing (we are still paying off my doctor-ordered biopsy!). PLUS his commute is fucking ludicrous - in the winter he regularly drives over 3 hours a day to a shit job that doesn't pay anything. I barely see him for a hour or two each day during the school year.

Bio clock is ticking, just saying. Never really had that baby-wanting impulse until very recently, and there was absolutely zero possibility of us starting a family while he's at this job. No money, no time, no medical support.

So. Bye. After talking to a therapist to help us through the plunge, we finally decided enough was enough.

He doesn't have another job lined up after summer school, so in August we have zero certain income. Neither off us is particularly panicked about this; the hiring wave for fall teaching positions has yet to happen, and there are several things he can do even if he can't find a full-time job at a local district.

What's looking most likely is actually that he'll juggle part-time jobs for a while. Subbing or other work at a district he's interested in will help him get a foot in the door, meanwhile an afternoon or weekend cashier job at the co-op down the street (where I used to work) has some distinct benefits. First off, he could WALK to work, and the co-op offers higher hourly rates and better promotional opportunities than his current "salaried" teaching job. Add on a big discount at the place where we buy most of our groceries anyway...

Anyway. That's been a lot.

Meanwhile I've been doing the housewife thing. Which actually entails more than just "chores" - I've been doing a huuuuge amount of work on my mental and physical health. I've lost 40 pounds (with 60+ to go) and have completely changed my eating, which has helped immeasurably with CFS, Depression, and life in general. I've started socializing again after years of serious, life-altering anxiety. Basically, I'm getting my life back. Or maybe getting my life for the first time? I was so mentally ill for so long that this really feels like the first time I've been genuinely balanced... maybe ever?

Whether that new peace of mind encourages me back into fandom I have no idea. Fandom social mores seem to have shifted over the years. Maybe it's just the glimpses I see now and then, but the Internet as a whole doesn't seem too anonymous or even like... baseline compassionate for anyone anymore. That's probably a matter of what you make of it, but even so, I'd be lying if I said spending my time in fandom spaces hasn't lost most of its personal appeal. I've been much happier offline, so that's where I've been. I do miss my friends, and I wish they lived down the street and not inside the scary computron. It'd be great to write again, but my interest in fandom work might be over. I'll never say never, but right now I just don't see it. Maybe someday I finally get back into the habit; but it's gonna happen in its own time if it does.

Lately I've been working on my YouTube thing, though where that'll end up nobody knows. It's certainly not a serious money-making prospect, nor am I aiming to make it one. YouTube actually scares the ever-loving shit out of me, so it's pretty much a deliberate mental health exercise. My whole attitude toward it has been "stress less, make more." So I treat it kind of like a journal of the nail shit that has taken over my life (lolllll), and a chance to pay forward all the relaxation I've gotten over the years watching Nail YouTube. It'd be nice if I could eventually have enough subs to maybe pay for some nail supplies or get some free PR or something, but that's about as ambitious as I get.

Okay my fingers are tired

love you byyyyyeeeeeeeeee

[magicalflurry]

Hijacking this post to say that these things happen everywhere. I live in Europe. I've always been a big person. I've been sick my entire life and always doctors would tell me "oh it's psychosomatic" or "oh you just need to lose some weight" or "why don't you lose 20kgs and then come back? I can't help you right now". It took me going into private healthcare to get diagnosed. In the last 5 years, I've gotten diagnosed with a neurological disorder, hypermobility (not the fun snake person kind but the my joints always hurt and I'm constantly at risk of dislocating something), fibromyalgia, chemical depression (where the brain doesn't make enough dopamine/serotonin), adhd, and I'm currently undergoing testing because we believe I may suffer from Crohn's diseases or colitis ulcerosa. Other tests are still pending.

One of the most awful appointments I've had so far was when I had to go see a physical therapist for the pain in my hands. (At the time I was not yet diagnosed with hypermobility, which we later found out was the cause for the pain and other symptoms I had.) I stepped into this man's office and before I could even introduce myself, he looked me up and down and said, "come back when you've lost 20kgs". I was there for my hands. My HANDS. I was unable to dress myself, do my hair or prepare food because of the constant pain, subluxations and dislocations. But oh sure losing weight would have fixed my hands (said with the most sarcasm I can muster).

I went home immediately, called my health insurance to explain what happened and made sure this person never got paid (for the consult that he had the balls to log, by the way).

Fat people have the same fucking rights as anyone else. I acknowledge that some symptoms may stem from, or be exacerbated by being overweight but it is never, NEVER a reason to be denied healthcare. Advocate for yourself. Get a different provider if you need to. Bring a friend who can help advocate for you when a doctor is not treating you as they should. But never let any doctor or healthcare provider deny you the care that you need, just because you're fat. You deserve better than that.

This is why fat shaming can have tragic consequences.

[queervegancryptid]

I have literally never been this hungry or physically exhausted in my life. Which is saying something.

I had to go to the doctor today. This is a rant about that, because if I didn't vent about it, I would fucking explode.

I made pasta and ate some. I didn't have enough sauce but put in a fuckload of nooch for b vitamins. It worked out okay. I could have added a protein but actually, no, I couldn't have. I keep apologizing for being such a colossal fuck-up of a human being, and I keep trying to be better, but we both know this situation is being impacted by its duration so far. In other words, I can't do what I need to do to get better because of how bad things have already gotten.

This is a problem. And I've got chronic pain from what's essentially cachexia by way of eating disorders and a doctor who doesn't get it despite being told over and over again. "Don't tell me my weight." Every time, I find out.

"I have anorexia and have been eating [numbers] calories per day, max, and it's getting worse." My weight has also been dropping, which I literally see on a fucking graph every time I come in, so clearly there's something going on here. I've lost over a third of my body weight since last year. If I wasn't anorexic, I would expect my doctor to raise some serious fucking alarm bells over that amount of unexplained weight loss.

"I get chronic tension headaches since I was a teenager. These are the drugs that help me." He prescribes Imitrex, which is for migraines, and it affects serotonin and shouldn't be taken by people who are also on other meds that deal with serotonin, which I am, another fact of which he should be aware. Because it literally says what I'm taking on the screen in front of him. If I hadn't had the background knowledge I gained through experience and actual academic research, I likely wouldn't have known that. And it isn't the first time he's done this sort of thing. I know what works for my pain. The word "migraine" did not leave my mouth in his presence, and I've told him and the staff dozens of times that I have tension headaches secondary to extremely bad anxiety since I was a teenager. I know what works and what doesn't. I've tried migraine meds for them before, actually. I know that's not what I need. And it could have seriously fucked my brain chemistry, to who knows what effect, at a time when my brain isn't doing spectacular to begin with.

I'm sorry, I'm never like this with anyone whose job it is to perform a service like this for me, but I just wanted to shake him and yell, "Why on earth won't anyone fucking LISTEN?" I kept my cool, but as I continue to try to start eating again, I'm not sure how dulled my emotions will stay. I wouldn't ever put my hands on somebody like that in anger. It's just not me. But I have a feeling the words will come out at a louder volume than they should at some point when I finally lose control of my filter around him. Seems like I should probably just bail before that happens.

Moreover, he doesn't know dick about treating eating disorders and has no intention of learning. I'm used to having to take my doctor by the hand, when it comes to certain things. I'm used to having to tell a story that isn't quite the truth because I know the truth won't get me what I need. In other words, I'm used to having to use a certain amount of finessing and suggestion to influence my medical providers, because otherwise, nothing would fucking happen.

But right now, I need help. I do. And I don't have it in me to teach a doctor what he didn't learn in med school, even if he wanted to know, and I don't think he particularly cares. He likes me and seems to view me as a sort of novelty, due in part to my transness and sense of humor. He does not treat me like a drug addict, like a lot of doctors do when you tell them you need pain medication, but he also doesn't treat me like a patient ought to be treated. He bills my insurance several times a month without doing his actual job as a doctor. So he's literally making money on my problems without understanding or doing anything about them.

He literally started to put bulimia in my chart as a current problem. I explained my symptoms and told him that the diagnosis is atypical anorexia, because I'm not bingeing and purging, one of the most basic of diagnostic criteria for bulimia, if not the foundational one that separates it from anorexia generally. Anorexia can come with purging, but it isn't a requirement the way it is for bulimia.

He said that bulimia should be the diagnosis on account of me not losing menstruation, which hasn't been among the diagnostic criteria for anorexia nervosa in a little while. It was removed from the DSM in (I believe) the fifth edition. And anyway, that wouldn't qualify me for a diagnosis of bulimia in the first place. I know; I've been bulimic. I was bulimic for a long time in my 20s. Sometimes, the patient knows what they're talking about. Also, I take testosterone and don't regularly menstruate. So the question of whether I have amenorrhea makes very little earthly sense, in any way, and I feel like that's pretty fucking obvious.

This is fucking intolerable. I don't know what to do, but I got here by closing my mouth and being accommodating above all else, to protect others, to get along, to save myself the humiliation or pain, and I won't get out of it until I solve the root causes.

I'm so tired of having flashbacks. There's also an age regression factor during and afterwards sometimes lately that's been a little disturbing. I don't particularly want to know what the root cause is behind that one, but clearly it's something that has to be dealt with if I'm starving myself to death over it.

Balls. I have to find a new primary care doc, don't I?

[spacecadetspe]

Jan. 15, 2024

I've been processing deeply for a few days. My theory on the matter is that so much has happened in the last year that I just never had a chance to fully process it. And with Morpheus, Phobetor, and Phantasos out of commission, it wasn't like I could ask any of them for help.

So the past few nights have been relatively rough. There's a lot of it that doesn't make sense in a way I can't really put into words... just pieces falling into place.

My apprentice is slowly finding her feet in this world. She is enamored with the idea of each of the gods, and I have to be careful in my introductions to them. I have to keep reminding her that they are just people, and no, they aren't omniscient, and no, they often don't talk to each other.

For instance, she asked Elpis if she had always been watching over her. Elpis made a face and said that no, she hadn't. As an individual, she's only been independent of me for two years. Metis then asked about her dreams, her family, her history, and Elpis waved her off. The goddess wouldn't know anything about any of that offhand. Again, she hadn't been guiding Metis for all those years; how would she know?

She asked Phobetor about her dreams, and he set her straight. He's not responsible for fantasies or most dreams involving sex.

She asked Morpheus what his intentions were for her, and he had to remind her that she had sought him out, not the other way around, and "We are not having the patron deity conversation."

She asked Njorun to help her learn to astral project, to which she got a funny look. "You are projecting. Right now."

She asked Apollo to help her understand her sexuality, and obviously he didn't understand the question.

She doesn't seem to understand that they are just people. They have some amazing capabilities, but they're just people. And if she bothered to see them like that, she wouldn't ask for things that are clearly out of their reach.

Not only that, but she's forgetful to the point of fangirling over these entities. For instance, Apollo, with whom I have a tenuous relationship at best. Although Metis already has a relationship with Aether, she wouldn't mind hopping into bed with Apollo.

And I just... can't. I can't condone any of it. She's definitely as enthusiastic as I was when I started, but much more easily frightened and much more reckless. Probably worse than I was, really.

We had an EMDR session last night, and she managed to get to the bottom of one of her triggers, which is a good thing. She's researching apartments and rooms to let so that she can get out from under her parents. They're encouraging a codependent relationship, and it's frankly disgusting.

We've got a lot to work through; her loneliness, her being attention-starved, her rage, her feelings of self-worth... It'll come back, but it's going to take time.

And speaking of healing, I finally had it out with Fortitude. We haven't had sex since late September, and I have been feeling the rift widening lately. I was angry. Depressed. I didn't want to do anything or go out anywhere, but the inside of the apartment it feels like a dark cloud.

I've tried ranting to him about his job, how he's always in pain, how he's always depressed. I've tried being angry. And I'm tired of rehashing the same old arguments. 1) I don't want to talk about his job anymore. He's set on keeping it up at least until April, when he can get a better one, and I can be patient through then. 2) He's also going to complete his paperwork on his insurance and see a doctor as soon as he's able.

So, with those arguments off the table, I tried to get down to the root of the problem. We've lost intimacy. We don't really talk. And it feels like he's not present in the relationship at all, and I don't know what to do.

He was kind enough to engage with me to tell me that I complain a lot, and he doesn't have the energy to solve all these problems with me, even if I'm just venting. It bothers him that I don't have positive things to say, and if I'm not complaining about my life, it's someone else's. Okay, so... maybe I don't know how to communicate? Or... maybe it's the only way I know to get a reaction from him? Less likely, I think... More likely is that my complaining is simply a reflection of my frustrations, and I'm kind of taking it out on him.

That brings us to the reason we haven't had sex in awhile. We had sex right before I lost a major aspect (Try) and had something of a monumental breakdown. And that kind of turned him off. More like traumatized him. Am I going to break down every time we have sex? Am I so troubled that I take my burdens and put all of them on him? And my complaining just makes it harder to be intimate with me.

So... in that three month period, I went through stages. Loneliness, anger, and then a complete shutdown. And that was where the breakthrough had to happen.

I have missed him so much that I collapsed in tears. I don't want to lose him like Patience and C because we couldn't communicate effectively. I hope we are stronger than them. I really hope so.

[commander-ralyle]

General update for here. Sorry I haven't been on in a long time. Been trying to get away from scrolling, but got sucked into Facebook scrolling cause the drama video excerpts get me. X'D I am jobless. Have been for awhile. I had a really good job for a few months, but it was a contract one. I got a job for four days before they let me go for "no specific reason" i.e. I am close to being diagnosed with lupus, had to sit down for 5 minutes because I was in a huge amount of pain, ADHD, and hated the fact that nothing in a restaurant was consistent. I started therapy for awhile, but new conditions for my insurance fucked me over with my depression/anxiety and so lost that. I have been on meds and will be for another two months at least before I run out. They have been amazing at helping me control my moods. I am still living with my parents and still hate it. Not as much as I used to, but I'm dealing and still want out. My grandparents now also live on the property. My white privileged boomer trump supporting grandparents by the way. They're not bad so long as you don't mention stuff. They know I'm queer, but just ignore it so could be worse. My brother has been useless emotions/social wise, but is being kind enough to help me financially at times as have been my parents. I'm going to try and start a business this week though with my uncle's help. He got a job with the county that gives him grants that he can help ppl take training with and he's offered it to me as I'm the least successful out of his kids and nieces/nephews which I really appreciate his help. My girlfriend and I are doing amazing and communicating lots. I love her more than I can ever express and appreciate her willingness to talk things out with me. :) She's the light of my life as sappy as that is. <3 :D My cat Chroma is doing pretty well socially now. She doesn't run as much if I'm standing over her. My cockatiel Tristan is as noisy as ever and still not ppl friendly, but I love him and he mimics my tone a lot even if he doesn't talk which is super cute. <3 We have a German Shepard we rescued and I get along with pretty well. Normally I hate petting dogs cause of their smell/fur unless it's with my foot, but I can tolerate petting her with my hands. My therapist just before we stopped recommended walking her and spending time with her to get over my social anxiety. My social anxiety btw is suuuper bad. I can't stand being in large gatherings unless there's a lot of space or I can escape as needed. Eating at tables is fine thankfully as there's plenty of space often times. I'm still addicted to Dr Pepper, but thankfully am not diabetic and managed to get away from being prediabetic. So that's a dodge. Part of the reason I mention all this is I am Indigenous so am more in danger of diabetes and other similar diseases. The lupus might also be from my dad's side of the family which is where I get my Indigenous roots from. The lupus is pretty bad. It explains my fatigue and brain function problems that do interfer with my day to day life. It also has caused a big deteriation in my eyesight often causing pain. It was actually an emergency eyedoctor who was the first to name lupus as a suspect and my doctors at the same location as my therapist were able to have me tested and it was positive. I have not been to a specialist so no meds or official diagnosis yet due to the insurance issues. :( My halfsister who my dad adopted had her second child so that's interesting. I'm still hiding from babysitting cause I know I'm not gonna get paid or appreciated and tbh children that young scare me cause they're fragile, messy, and can be pretty mean. :/ Maybe I can get over it eventually, but for now hiding from getting roped into stuff is easier. I'm not rude/mean to the kids tho obvs. That'd be horrible. Sister is at least trying to be nicer as is my brother since they're starting to see now how fucked up I am emotionally and mentally from all I've gone through cause of things they said or did or that our family said or did. So looking up despite all the setbacks. :)

All in all, life is fucking crazy and never know what you dig up. It's going alright though and mentally I'm still bad, but not as bad as I used fo be. Mainly thanks to the meds tbh. I do miss being more social on various websites, but have had to cut that back a lot. Hopefully can get things going again someday soon. :)

[lowtaxsa]

A Night on the Town

Let me tell you, folks, last night was one for the books, or maybe for the trash, who knows? So there I was, at my favorite dive bar, the one that smells like a hobo's armpit and serves beer as flat as the Earth – according to those flat-earther nutjobs. And then, bam! The bartender, the almighty gatekeeper of booze, cuts me off! Me, of all people! Like I'm some kind of degenerate, when really, I'm a staple of this fine city, a cornerstone of cultural decay.

Now, I don't take that sorta thing sitting down, no sir. I let him have it, served him a heaping plate of Lowtax's wrath, which tastes a bit like stale nachos and desperation, if you're wondering. But then, whaddaya know, he tosses me out on my ass like I'm yesterday's garbage! The gall of that man!

So, screw that guy and his high horse, or high barstool, or whatever. I stumble, wobble, and saunter my way to the next dump, and it's full of fancy drinks with ingredients you can't even pronounce. I mean, who needs a Smoked Hibiscus Elderberry Sazerac anyway? Not me, that's for sure!

I was sitting there, lost in a haze of booze and self-indulgence, the bitter stench of spilled alcohol permeating the air as the bar seemed to sway with each resounding note of "Piano Man." It was one of those nights, where reality and delusion collide in a cacophony of Hunter S. Thompson-esque debauchery. A night where I could almost see the good doctor himself, perched on a barstool in the corner, clad in aviator sunglasses and chewing on a cigarette holder, muttering something about the American Dream and the cruel mistress of intoxication.

And then, like some deranged fairy tale, I meet the strangest cast of characters. There's the guy with the raccoon, trying to sell me the freaking "Mona Lisa," or some crap like that. Then, Mr. Pretentious Poet, spewing nonsense about the moon and the stars and other stuff nobody really cares about. Well, one thing leads to another, and I'm trading blows with this wordsmith – turns out I'm a poet with my fists, who knew?

Anyway, so I'm stumbling around like a drunk marionette, and I meet this other guy, a regular Indiana Jones, talking about hidden treasure in an old warehouse. Treasure, you say? Sounds like a terrible idea, sign me up! Off we go, into the night, or maybe it was daytime, who can even tell anymore?

And there it was, the warehouse of legend, filled with gold, or rats, or, uh, moldy newspapers. It's hard to say. I don't know how it happened, really, one minute we're playing detective, the next minute we're amateur arsonists. Accidental, I swear! My lighter must've been possessed by some fire demon, or maybe it was just faulty, who can say?

So there I stood, watching this beautiful inferno, a veritable symphony of destruction, with the flames licking at the sky like the Devil's own tongue. It was a sight to behold, like a twisted work of art, or maybe it was just an old warehouse burning down, who can even tell?

But hey, no harm, no foul, right? Just a bunch of rats and pigeons out of a home, and it's not like they were paying rent or anything. Maybe they can file for insurance, or get a nice little nest egg from FEMA. Yeah, that's it. It's all part of the circle of life, or the circle of property damage, whichever comes first.

So that's my story of a night gone haywire, all because some self-righteous bartender thought I'd had enough. Well, joke's on him, 'cause I've got a hangover that could slay a dragon, and memories that'll last me 'til the next bender. And you know what they say, when life hands you lemons, just burn down a warehouse and call it a day. Or something like that.

[scroll-of-thought]

I've been having so much bad luck. I've lost all my income. It's now zero income. My hair is falling out in handfuls. I'm starting to breakout on my face. I have lost everythin n everyone. I don't have any friends here. Ive always kept to myself. It was just me my kids n my life partner. He just left us like we don't exsist From one day to the next. He loves his new girl. She is clearly with other men in front of him n he goes running after her like a lost dog. What is happening?

Hey Anon, I'm sorry to hear you've gone through so much.

I'm guessing since you came to a witch, you suspect there might be some kind of magical, supernatural, or paranormal reasoning for this sudden turn in your life. And I've got advice for that, but I think I should mention some mundane advice first.

Sudden break outs and hair loss can be caused by all kinds of things, including stress, which it sounds like you've got in abundance. But sudden hair loss can also be a sign of other serious medical issues. If you have the ability to see a doctor, I'd do so. Especially if you're on his insurance. It's also possible that you might still be covered with your previous job's insurance, depending on where you live and your plan. Some plans are forced to cover you for a full length of time, even if you lose your job. So I'd definitely try to get that figured out ASAP.

Now, on to the witchcraft advice. I'd assume that if this is paranormal, it's either a curse or a negative spirit preying on you. Both can be solved in the same way.

Firstly, cleanse yourself. If you search my blog for "cleansing" you'll find a bunch of ways to cleanse yourself, ranging from a ritual bath or shower, to asking your deity to help cleanse you. Do whatever feels best for you and will work in your current living situation. As someone who's had nothing, including running water for a time, I know how hard it can be to take a simple shower, let alone a ritual one.

The whole point of cleansing yourself is to drive anything that might be attached to you away from you. It'll disconnect and either go away entirely, or it'll wait in the surrounding area until it's safe to reattach, which is what we solve next.

Next, cleanse your space. You can find info on this under the same tag, and there's a ton of ways to do this too. Smoke cleansing is the most popular. People burn various plants or incense, and incense is cheap, but I personally use oak leaves and twigs. I pick them up while walking the dog in the fall. They might be a little hard to find this late into winter, but you might get lucky. Otherwise, even walmart carries incense sticks, and some dollar stores do.

If smoke isn't an option, sound is another popular option. Anything from a bell to banging pots and pans can work. Ritual cleaning of a space is also very effective. Wipe down the walls, sweep the floors, picture the negative force being pushed out with the old. Sweep it right out your door way, or into a trash and immediately take the trash out.

Now that the negative force is no longer attached to you and no longer waiting in your house, you need to keep it that way. You're going to need a protective charm for yourself and your loved ones. If you're religious, a prayer to your deity, written on a paper slip is a good option, as well as maybe praying personally for their protection. If you're not religious you can do something similar by making a protection sigil, a protective spell, or any number of other protective charms. Again, you can search for protection and sigil if you have any questions on those things, I try to tag stuff well. Keep these protective charms on you, or in something that represents you.

Lastly, wards and barriers. This is locking the door some the thing can't return and linger around your home. Search for "Ward", I've got a lot of stuff and a bunch of reblogs to resources on this too. Layers of wards are important, meaning do more than one, just in case one fails or isn't particularly effective against one thing, as it is another. Personally, I place decoys like witch's bottles near my home, more decoys in my home, I "paint" protective sigils on my walls and doors in water (water evaporates when it dries, but the spell stays), I've got enchanted doorway thresholds, piles of protective charms scattered around the house, and much much more.

That's more or less a crash course in the steps I'd take to remove anything that might be actively causing problems with you, and prevent them from coming back.

Next, look up spells for bringing good luck, financial stability, all the things you're lacking. I don't really deal in those kinds of spells, but there's a lot of others out there who are really knowledgeable on those topics.

Hopefully that helps turn things around for you. I know things a pretty rough right now, even without the problems you're going through. Just hang in there, it's got to get better if you just keep fighting.

If there's anything else I can help you with, feel free to ask. I try to reply to these whenever I have the time to check my messages.

[harryhoney-bee]

I've been taking it since 3rd grade (2009 ish) when i got diagnosed with adhd. But in 6th grade i didn't take it at all because it was too expensive and in 7th grade i took an off brand pill. 9th through 12th grade i took the best of the best meds and loved how they worked. Then once i graduated high school, i lost my insurance and didn't take any meds in college which was 2019-2020 school year. Then in may of last year, found out different pharmacy's have different prices and my meds that i thought were 500 dollars, i could get somewhere else for only 60 dollars which is what i pay now.

i think something else is wrong with me because how i act without medicine is different than most with adhd. its like i can't function. i basically show signs of depression except i'm not necessarily sad, just extremely lazy but not a good lazy. a lazy that i'd rather not be but i can't control it and it makes me look bad because people think i purposefully want to be like that.

the year in college i didn't take any sort of meds was the worst year of my life because everything i once loved, i didn't anymore. maybe why i didn't take my state board exams to be licensed in my field. i went to collage to be a cosmetologist (hair, makeup, nails).

i did take another medicine for a few months last year but it made me feel horrible. it was made to take two, one in morning and one at evening, and the first day of having it i did that and that was a huge mistake. it made my heart race so fast i couldn't even lay in bed because i thought my heart would come out my chest. glad i can afford my good meds but bc of covid, doc appointments are hard to get so that's why i ran out before seeing a doctor again.

I hope you can get an appointment with a psychiatrist soon, so you can see if you have something other than ADHD, you shouldn't feel like that :///

And omg!!! You were so young when you first started the treatment!! Im happy you found out a good pharmacy.

Do you know when you'll be able to get new meds?

[cockroachmotherfucker10]

hi, idk if this is okay but here goes... this blog's really helped me a lot in recovery from AN. i've been doing well lately. since diagnosis, i've been on my own with this bc the mental health system in my country is broken. i guess my question is, do you have any tips for continuing recovery during grief? a really close friend has just passed and i can't get myself to stomach even a bite. i just don't know what to do, i'm lost. thanks in advance, it's okay if you don't reply to this, really.

Hey! I am so glad this blog could help you, it’s truly an honor! Also I live in America, my healthcare system also sucks ass. Recently had symptoms of kidney infection- couldn’t go to an in person doctor because the only place that took my insurance was closed in my city and they wouldn’t set me an appointment in person, though I tried to get one. Basically just had to tough it out- it sucked. Basically trying to validate you- having shitty healthcare is basically the worst.

As for grief, I am really sorry to hear that your friend passed away. It’s an absolutely horrible thing to go through, for every good memory you had with them you have to remember time and time again that they aren’t here anymore, and that’s a feeling that takes a really long time to become more okay with. Not that it’s the same thing, as everyone’s relationship with grief is different, but I lost a close grandmother on January 30th, 2020. I mourn her everyday, and it’s one of the hardest things I’ve ever gone through in my entire life. Still is. I miss her every day, and think about her all the time.

So some words on grief.

1. Cheesy, but it does get better with time.

I read an allegory for grief, and I have found it to be true. Grief is like a big ball inside of a tiny box (which represents you). Every time the ball touches the side of the box- it hurts really bad. You cry, you stare at the wall for hours, you lose your appetite, a lot of things. At first- your ball of grief is huge- and it’s constantly and randomly hitting the sides of the box. For me- the time around my grandmother’s death and funeral, I was completely out of commission. I couldn’t stop crying, and when I did I couldn’t focus on anything. I was completely incompacitated for weeks. But then- over time, the ball of grief gets smaller and smaller, and touches the side of the box less and less. Now, I can think about her without bursting into tears, I look back on my time with her with a sense of nostalgia rather than sharp pain most of the time. Now while my ball of grief is smaller- sometimes it still randomly touches the sides of my box, and I break down crying (hell- I am tearing up now lol). That’s okay. It’s all apart of the process. The grief never fully goes away- but it becomes less and less consuming. This does not mean you love your loved one any less, it just means your body gets better at metabolizing their absence so it hurts less. Also not you can’t force the ball to get smaller before it’s ready to (believe me- I tried). Just let it happen.

2. Express your emotions healthily

Want to know what not to do? Keep your emotions locked into your chest. Especially if you have an ED, it’s important to let yourself cry as hard and as often as you need to. What you don’t get out now will bite you in the ass later. It’s so, so painful. I have never cried so hard in my entire life than I did at my grandmother’s funeral, I couldn’t even get a word of apology out. It felt awful, and vulnerable, and it wasn’t pleasant at all. Crying is not fun, but it was necessary. Afterwards, I felt soooo much better. This is because crying chemically is like letting the extra air out of a balloon about to pop. There is no shame in it. Do it, and do it often. As often as you need, don’t hold it in. Let the pain come, and then when it is ready it will pass. Remember what you don’t process now you most certainly will be forced to process later in the form of chronic pain, worse depression, worse ED symptoms, and worse health. Let it out.

3. There is no wrong way to grieve

So I just spent all that time talking about crying- but it’s also possible that your grief will express itself in other ways, such as feeling numb, or even feeling fine. The key thing is to not judge how your body metabolizes this. Let it do what it needs to do, and do not judge it. To it body will do what it needs to do, fighting it is a pointless uphill battle. Accept it with self compassion, console yourself like a friend would. Tell yourself it’s okay to feel numb, or to cry, or to be okay, etc. let it happen.

4. Reach out for support

Be it from a friend, a family member, or a therapist (or best- all three!) if you feel like it would help you, reach out and talk about how you are feeling, or do something distracting. Mod Lia and I called the night I saw my grandmother for the last time, and we didn’t talk about it much at all. We watched She-ra. That helped a lot. Later I called another friend and talked about how I was feeling. Later I talked about it with Mod Lia, too. And of course my therapist- who helped me process it in a healthy way. On that note, especially with an Ed, if you can, get a therapist. Do it. Better than anybody they will be able to help you find the healthiest way to grieve, and help provide tips and accountability for preventing the worsening of an ED.

5. Tips on not drop kicking your ED behaviors further into hell

Having a schedule for eating (and other necessary activities) really helped me. At certain times, regardless of wether or not I was hungry, I forced myself to eat just because it was food time. Doing this prevents you from slipping into ED behaviors, especially when it is easy to do. Having a therapist or a willing friend to hold you accountable can also help. Express your emotions healthily. Talk to your loved one still, on walks or however. Talk about them in conversation. Do things that remind you of them. Make a memorial for them- whatever that means to you. Allow them to still occupy space in your life, if that feels right. If not, that’s fine. Taking care of yourself is hard, but if you don’t you are going to make it worse for yourself. It’s like puting an ankleweight in when you are already drowning. Take intentional steps (such as setting reminders and alarms) to ensure you take care of yourself, and even see if there are people who would do it with you. Like if you are having a hard time eating, see if a friend will have lunch with you every day at a certain time, or a couple different people (over the phone if need be). Plans, for me, really help me keep it together.

To sum it up, the biggest thing is to not fight the grieving process, set specific schedules for different aspects of self care (with alarms), reach out when you need help, and be patient because it takes time.

There is nothing I can say to make your loss feel better, but it is so hard to lose someone, and I’m sorry you have to go through that. Be patient, don’t expect a ton of productivity out of yourself, and just wait out these unpleasant storms. Thing are never going to feel the same ever again, but eventually you will get used to a new normal, and that doesn’t mean you are doing them an injustice. Keep remembering them, and be patient with yourself.

Best of wishes,

Mod Cass

[darkanddirtyknb]

ACCOUNT INFORMATION

an update and a couple of questions...

Hey loves! I'm going to be throwing a lot at you so please bear with me but I have a lot of important things to note in this update and I'm going to need your help. First and foremost, to address what has been the number one question and concern I've been asked lately—that would of course be the recent news about Tumblr and what they're going to be doing with this blog. So far, I haven't received any messages or emails flagging my blog but with what some people are being flagged for, I'm far from convinced that this blog is safe. That being said, I'm not shutting it down and I'm going to hope that it's able to stay up. I have all of my stories backed up so nothing will be lost regardless. Now, for what I'd like from you guys. A lot of different avenues have been tossed around regarding where people are going from here. I've head a lot of people saying they're going to switch to Pillowfort and Dreamwidth. I'm a bit skeptical to go on A03 but I'll do it for you guys. However, I want to hear your suggestions—let me know which platform you'd like me to go to so you can still read my works. I might not post as much as I used to but I'll be damned if I give up now after I've worked so hard to keep going.

For the second part of this I want to talk about something that I've been mulling over for a while. I don't have all of the details worked out yet but I wanted to get your thoughts and takes on it before I really hammered everything out. But before I get into the details, I want to fill you in on a couple of things first. As you know, I'm unable to work due to my health ailments as of right now and I am not on any kind of assistance so funds are really tight. The only income I have is the money I earn from commissions. With all of my medications and monthly living expenses I can't even say that I'm making it—I'm just dealing with whatever comes at me because I don't have a choice. My grandma willed me her car and it's just sitting in my parent's driveway because I can't afford to get the title transferred and I most definitely can't afford the monthly fee it'll take to keep it insured. I have to rely on my family to get me to all of my appointments and I hate that I have to burden them with it all the time but I've had to sell every car I've ever owned because I can't afford to maintain them. I spoke to someone today about seeing an autonomic specialist and somehow, by some miracle, they will see me—which is great news but I can't be seen until November 7th of next year. Obviously that won't help me right now. I had an appointment with my rheumatologist several days ago and she prescribed me two new medications. The one I can get over-the-counter for $30-$60 dollars. The other one, my insurance won't cover. It's a compound medication and the only one in its class so it's costly and it makes things really limited for me. You can't even get this medication at regular pharmacies. It has to be sent to your home. It's $100 for a 90-day prescription. I don't know how I'm supposed to afford that when I can't even make ends meet now—but my doctor seems to feel that it will really help me. If I do have some kind of autonomic disorder, depending on what it is, if I don't start treating it my time here could be limited. It doesn't have to be and I'm by no means saying that I'm dying but there is a chance that if things are more severe than what we currently know, it could lead to some really bad things for me. That being said, what I want to talk to you about is an idea that struck me the other day. I would still like to write commissions for anyone who wants one and most of what I do now wouldn't change. However, I would like to try and get three people to “sign up” for recurring commissions. What I mean by this is, I would write a 2k-3k story for you every month and you would pay $20-$30 each month at a designated time. We would work out the due dates for both parties and it would be kind of like a monthly subscription. I know some people are going to wonder why I'm not just setting up a Patreon but I would like to do this my own way without outside commitments. Of course, you could discuss changes with me at any time and opt-out if you no longer want to be a part of it. Like I said, I haven't drawn up any details yet but I wanted to know what kind of response I would get before I took the time out to do so. As stated previously, I would like to keep this particular option down to around three people to start so I'm still able to write for others. It would just make for more solid income for me. If you have any thoughts or ideas, or anything you'd like to suggest I do in regards to this, please reach out to me. If you'd be interested, I'd like to know. Nothing will be started now. This is just so I can get a feel for what options I have. If you have any questions, please message me!

As for the blog, please let me know what you want me to do. Whatever platform ends up being the most requested is probably where I'll go. If you want to follow me on Twitter so you can stay in touch with me I'm @burnintothewick. If you want to talk to me about commissions or you don't have a Twitter, my email is skinflowersandwolfteeth@gmail.com. I'm sorry if this has been all over the place but I'm trying to get everything out into this message before I forget what I want to say. Thanks for your love and support, as always. Love, Kai!

[xhold-on-tightstay-stongx]

I have another rant... sorry

So... I have been off my meds for a while... and it's been causing problems between me and my family... I'm not off of them by choice... I lost my insurance and have been having problems with the insurance company. So anyways, I baby sit some little kids that live next door to me and I do it so I can have some extra money and be an overall good person and maybe even be a good mom someday... but, the thing is, my mom and I have been doing nothing but fight the last few days and I often find myself wondering if it's because I haven't had all the medications that keep my brain functioning like a normal persons... even more, I know that it in all reality is my fault we're fighting so much. I spend a lot of time on my phone and doing stuff for other people that it's like I dont do anything for my mom. But I would do anything for her if she wanted me... I dont know if I am intentionally trying to build up walls around myself to make it less painful for when I leave or if I am trying to distance myself because I don't want her to see how shitty I've been doing lately. I love her with my whole heart that every time we fight I end up crying and thinking she hates me... which I know isnt true and I know that she loves me and supports whatever I do in my life. But we still fight and argue and everything is a mess because I cant function like a normal adult because I can't control my moods or emotions or stay focused on something. And that's the major problem for me... I get distracted and then I end up going into my own little world of whatever and forget what I'm supposed to be doing. I try to be a good daughter... I've been trying to be better than I was yesterday for the last 5 years. Some days I'm good at it... some days I utterly suck at it... I've only had one big achievement in my life and that was getting past the ideation and the self harm and made it to the next day. All my other achievements were pretty minor... I graduated on time... I started college... I turn 20 tomorrow... but honestly... what I really want is to be able to make my mom happy and it not be a constant fight between her and I anymore. I dont like fighting with her and I don't like knowing that it could have been avoided if I was just able to function normally. I would love for a day where it could be just me and my mom without her feeling bad or me feeling bad and for us to get along and for us to have fun together again... I miss being able to go do things with her and not stressing out about if things got done at home or if my dad will be in a bad mood when he gets home or anything like that. I want to be able to have my mom back to where we used to be... before I was fucked up and had to rely on my medications to make me feel normal and for me to feel like I wasn't on the edge of a mental explosion constantly or waiting for something to go horribly wrong. I miss the days when things weren't bad and when it was ok for us to argue about something and then we would make up with an "I'm sorry" and a hug. Now any more it's an "I'm sorry" and it gets twisted around into something even worse than before.

I know it sounds prolly stupid to alot of people and like an excuse for my actions and why I've been such a shitty person and lousy daughter but I have been dealing with Bi-polar type 2 for the last 5 years, anxiety, different forms of depression, insomnia and, constant migraines, I was also diagnosed with ADHD at 12 and have been on medications for all of this since the diagnosis. 5 years ago, I wanted to kill myself it was for reasons that I don't want to get into at the moment. I spent a week in the hospital getting the help I needed and my mom was always right there with me saying that we would get through it together. And we have, but lately it's just felt like she's tired of my shit... I try and get things done for her, but I either don't do it right or I start one thing then move to another then another and then another and one project never gets finished before another one starts or I get distracted by something and I forget to do what she asked...

I know that she feels under appreciated and like she does nothing but clean, but without her being the amazing woman she is I would never have gotten as far as I am now and I wish she would understand that.

I feel like such a horrible daughter because I can never do things the right way or I inevitably start a fight for something minor. And I was even told by one of my doctors that I tend to lash out at the people I care most about and trust the most as a defense mechanism and because I know that they wont leave me for it... but I still feel like I am the one who is the problem when I have little control over things that I do...

I hope people reading this will understand that I am not just some entitled little brat that is bitching because her mommy yelled at her.

I am writing this because I need to get what is eating at me out and hopefully someone will care enough to check in on me but if not that's ok too.

I also want people to understand something. I've almost lost my mom 4 different times. The first time was the night my little sister was born... my mother almost died that night along with my sister. She was in an accident and was taken to the hospital by ambulance and was really hurt for along time. Third time was an accident that should have killed her, it is a honest miracle that I still have her to this day. She was rear eneded at 55mph while she was at a dead stop and she suffered from head trauma amongst other things. The fourth was right after she was in the last accident. She had a severe allergic reaction to the nerve pain medication that they gave her. I said that I wouldn't be as strong as I was or where I am in my life without her. And that's why.

I am a total mommy's girl. And I can't imagine a world without her in it.

I wish she knew that though. I wish she knew that she is my entire world and my heart stops every time I hear sirens and that she is my hero. My mom is my best friend and the woman I look up to most in the world and some day I hope to be just like her. Strong and resilient. She's been my rock when my world was being swept away and she held my hand and told me that everything was going to be ok when I wanted to die. I wish she could see the amazing woman I see when I see her.

I know that this rant was a bit all over the place but I really needed to get everything out...

[invincible-selfxmade-punk]

This is one of the weekends that I worked harder on my day off and I did during my working week.

In the past 3 or 4 years I have become so weak and so frail that doing regular things like carrying groceries from the car to my house, changing the cat litter, and making my bed absolutely wreck me.

If I am this week and this physically drained from small activities in my early 50s, I honestly cannot imagine what the rest of my life is going to be like.

Now granted, I never expected to live past my 20s so I had no idea what my fifties would be like because I never thought of them at all. I never abused my body in any way. I drank very little before I became straight edge and even before that, I have never done any drugs.

I've only had sex with one man in my entire life. Not that that is good or bad but the wear and tear on my body has been minimal up until the time that my body started to give out and I started to have surgery after surgery after surgery.

I need a corneal transplant and I started reading up on it the other night. It might actually be doable at some point in the future because it is not that expensive and there is a 90% success rate.

However, I've had about 15 other surgeries on my eyes so that would complicate things.

Even if the success rate is high, I'm not sure I even want to put my body through another operation.

I can almost track the total downfall of my body. Seven or so years ago I took a fall from a height of about 6 ft when I was living in Corpus. I had no money and no insurance and could not afford to see a doctor or chiropractor.

3 years after that, at my first teaching job in Big Spring, which was much more like being a guard at a prison, I attempted to break up a fight between two fourth grade boys.

I saw two boys running at a smaller boy and my first instinct was to step in between them thinking the boys were going to stop. They didn't and they ran me down literally knocking me completely backwards on my back in the middle of a hallway.

2 months after that I contracted pneumonia and continued to work for about 3 weeks until I physically collapsed and ended up in the hospital. I was told it would take about 3 months to recover but honestly it took about a year.

That's when I started to walk with a cane because I was so weak I could not get around any other way. Butonce I started walking with that cane I just became dependant on it .

Two years after that I had an asthma attack so bad that I lost consciousness and had to be intubated. I was Halo flighted two towns over was in the hospital for a week.

Then I had two glaucoma operations, one of which coincided with me contracting kidney stones that kept me out of work a week or so. I was basically told then that I had to come back to work or else. I came back to work without being fully healed

And here I am now, doddering around like an 80-year-old.

I can barely walk,I can't run, I can't really exercise other than using a low set bike. I can't walk without a cane and after an 11 hour day of being on my feet and not being able to sit down as much as I need to, by the end of some days I cannot walk at all.

Time, time, time...

See what's become of me....

[chemical-cat]

Just an update on me as a person...

So over the last few days I've been very quiet not only here, but on other platforms as well, especially on my tiktok.

Overall, I've just been trying to work on myself as a person. In the last 3-4 years, I've slipped into a rut, in which some of the behaviors I personally do are not healthy not only to myself but to my partner as well. Now they aren't anything abusive or anything like that, but to me personally they just aren't healthy and I wanted to work on myself.

Over the last year, I've been out of work mainly because I've been having significant health issues which have ultimately impacted my life to the point where I can't work a regular job because within the first 90 days, I'm running the risk of being fired because I'm having to either call in because I'm sick or if I try and push through, my previous jobs would send me home but still tie on a "strike" because I was a liability. (Even in some of these jobs where I worked a year or more, I would be on management's shitlist because of that despite me trying to push through as much as possible.) I've been dealing with these particular health issues for almost 5-6 years now, and while I have been actively seeking medical care for it, I've become so exhausted and tired. I'm tired of the countless tests, the pokes and prads, that result in absolutely no answers and sky high medical bills. I'm tired of countlessly being brushed off as a hypochondriac when I have people in my life, friends/family/partners there with me looking my doctors in the face and telling them they witnessed what I'm saying and that it's true.

I've had so many doctors look at me and tell me so many things that have broken me over the years, I've always been a very petite individual to the point I was labeled as a failure to thrive when I was 9 because I was failing to put on weight the way I should and to grow, I had stalled overall from growing. I have never had an eating disorder, and I will openly state that, if I did I would be honest about it because I fully understand that if I did I could get help and honestly if I did, then I would finally have an answer to my health problems. But I don't, I have always been able to out eat my younger brothers and family. However despite this, despite being with a family practioner who has watched my weight bounce around like a yo yo, and who knows I personally follow their advice for my diet and have tried multiple different changes to my diet just to try and maintain a solid weight, I have experienced my whole life being brushed off because of my size and that I must simply have an eating disorder that I'm to ashamed to admit. However, as I've pointed out several times to various doctors these crucial points if I did:

If I was anorexic, then not only after 5 years would it show but there would be other significant issues (not to mention I'm only putting this is into the 5 years where I have been experiencing health issues not the whole timeline of my life)

If I was bulimic, then I would be having issues with my throat being burned from throwing up constantly, as well as there would potentially be damage to the flap that covers your lungs from food/your stomach from getting air in it and it wouldn't work properly. Not to mention that throwing up has ALWAYS given me panic attacks and anxiety ever since I was a child, now as an adult who has ptsd for me personally, when I throw up I go into a panic attack, which more often then not during the panic attack ends up triggering my ptsd and I end up having flashbacks despite throwing up and the ptsd being unrelated. So personally I don't like throwing up, and I try my hardest not to.

Despite this, over the last year I've had so many negative experiences that it is beyond frustrating. Perfect example being that I went into the ER one night because I was throwing up so badly that I couldn't even hold water down, I was terrified. I couldn't even drive myself, I had to have my mother drive me to the ER at 3-4 am. When we got there, the doctor was completely dismissive and rude from the beginning, insisting that I was pregnant (just from looking at me when he entered the room), when I said there was no way I was pregnant, he got irritated and asked how I would possibly know if I wasn't pregnant (not like it's my own body, god forbid if I know whether or not there was a chance I was pregnant that I would or wouldn't know), when I replied that not only had I had my period every month like clockwork (and that alone isn't usual for me as I have pcos), but that I was currently on my period, as well as the biggest factor being that the last time I had sex was over 7 months ago so I think I'd know if I was 7 months pregnant, he dismissed me and insisted on doing a pregnancy test because he was sure I was pregnant. Which I did with no complaints just to show him that I knew what I was talking about, when the test came back negative, he entered the room and then insisted I had an eating disorder simply based off the fact that I was petite, and when I got reasonably upset at this and told him he was wrong, he once again said how would I possibly know. By this point my mom piped up, and defended me insisting I don't have an eating disorder, and that I out eat my younger brothers (one who is an adult and the other two who are teens), to which he replied with "in all due respect ma'am, how do you know she's not throwing it up later? You may see her eat in front of you, and then she goes and throws it up later, and she's just doing this for attention?" (Yes. He openly stated that I was in the ER at 4 in the morning, when I had to work that morning because I was 'doing it for attention') by this point I was irritated, stressed (because among a string of irrational phobias, I've always had a phobia since I was a child of doctors of any kind and hospitals, so being in a hospital is extremely stressful and scary to me.) I snapped, I was just so done with him as a doctor and wanted to go home, and I told him "because we live in a 115 year old house, and I can hear my parents fucking from one end of the house all the way on the other, so I'm pretty sure they would know if I was throwing up. Now are you actually going to help or can I just fucking go home?" To which he got huffy, and stated I had a stomach bug and released me. In the last 5 years, I've experienced many doctors like this and it is so beyond exhausting. I wish I was making up my symptoms, I wish I was being a hypochondriac because then I would have an answer, and I would honestly know it's all in my head.

Over the 3 years, I've experienced so much depression over this that I've lost a lot of joy in the things I once loved. Simply because as much as I wish it was in my head, I know it's not and the others around me have insisted that it's not either. Yet despite countless tests, there's still no answers, I'm left scared, anxious, and with no answers. At this point I don't even want a solution, I don't care about a way to fix whatever is wrong, I just want to know what's wrong.

My memory has faded to the point where I'm lucky if I can remember a conversation I had with someone 5 minutes ago. I have pass out spells where I'll faint randomly, sometimes I'm lucky and I'll get what I call 'warnings' where I'll get tunnel vision and I know I have less then 10 seconds to get down to the ground to limit possible injury to myself because either way I'm going down. The pass out spells happen whether I'm standing, walking, sitting, laying down, it doesn't matter. I get migraines so badly that it feels like someone is taking a spoon and trying to carve out the cavity where my eyeball as well as I get this hollow type sensation in my head as well. I have what I call 'eye twitches', where my pupils vibrate so fast I can't see for a minute or two, it comes on fast with no seeming cause as to why and it fades as fast as it comes on. (I have been checked multiple times by the eye doctor and it's been determined that there is no cause for this from the eye itself, and that nothing in the eye could be causing it, that other than an astigmatism my eyes are both healthy, I have been working with a neurologist and a cardiologist to get to the bottom of this). Off the top of my head, that's the major ones I can think of, I've been checked for low blood sugar, I've been checked for heart issues, I've done so many tests that I'm exhausted. This isn't a way to live, but yet I have to live in this body, in pain and scared and there are no answers.

As of now, I'm waiting on another test while fighting to get my insurance to actually pay for my medical bills (so far they're refusing and I have almost 10 grand in medical bills, for some of these tests it was verified with insurance before admistering them that they would be covered by insurance because they're expensive tests, insurance agreed it was covered and now refuses to cover anything). It's frustrating, and beyond stressful because it seems like I'm just watching the number climb, because of this I have been unable to get in for the next test I need. While I have been waiting, I've been trying to just make it day by day, I've been trying to be happy.

Because I'm tired of doctors looking at me and dismissing me based off the way my body looks, I've been desperately trying to put on more weight. Which I'm honestly happy about putting on weight because, I do have body dysmorphia and I can't stand the way I look I feel like I'm a walking skeletor, even though my friends/family/and my partner all insist I don't look like a skeletor but that I just look petite, I know it's just my own inability to see my body the way it is. So I've worked on not spending as much time in the mirror, when I do to check how an outfit looks or brush my hair that if I start saying negative things I start pointing out positive things instead, like:

A few days ago I wore a top, with a smokey type print, because this top had more print on one side over the other my first thought was how it looked like I had one boob massively bigger than the other (despite wearing a sports bra where even if that was the case it wouldn't even be that obvious, and it's natural to have one breast bigger than the other), and I pushed that thought to the side pointing out to myself that it was the way the print looked and that even if I did so what? It's natural and no one would really notice that.

I noticed I was starting to put on more weight, and started to get a little more of a tummy while wearing my favorite pair of sweatpants, initially thinking that I'd be unattractive with a 'muffin top', however I pointed out that it's ok to have a tummy, that it's natural and that having even a little bit of a muffin top is ok because I look healthier.

I've been desperately trying to work on the way my body dysmorphia shapes my reality, I know I will never get rid of it and that's ok, but I want to let myself even just some of the time find positive things about myself. During all of this, I've been tracking my diet, in doing so I have implemented a possible weird solution but it's working and that's what matters, I noticed when people diet they try to keep track of calories, and it can help them lose weight. On my phone, it has a health section, and based off my height and weight it has a section where you can monitor your diet (making sure you taking in enough protein, vitamins, veggies, if your taking in to much sodium/sugar, etc. As well as calories), based off my height and current weight, it automatically calculated a daily calorie intake to help me maintain that weight, I figured if I upped it and tried to hit at minimum that calorie intake then I may be able to gain some extra weight. (It was automatically calculated to have a daily calorie intake of 1,300 calories, so I upped it to 2,000 although if I go above that I'm not upset with myself I'm more proud than anything), as well as I'm working on taking in more protein, dairy, carbs (all three were recommended to me by my doctor to have more of these to try to maintain weight and possibly even gain weight), I've tried to scale down on how much caffeine and sugar I'm taking in as well, because I've noticed I have a fairly large sodium diet and I don't want to become dehydrated (because I also don't want dehydration headaches), so I've been trying to upscale in my water intake as well and trying to force myself to drink water versus more caffeine or soda/pop/sugary drinks. (Although, the sugar cravings definitely suck).

I've gotten a agenda/planner to help better keep track of appointments as well as just trying to set a daily schedule for myself as well (like I did back in school, especially with my memory issues so I didn't forget anything), in scheduling things I've been trying to schedule in time during every week to have a "weekend/relaxation time" where I don't do any type of work if I don't want to, a few days to just mentally de-escalate.

In terms of actual work, I've been working on making my own etsy store and products for it, reviewing other products from other businesses/tarot decks, doing tarot readings for clients both on livestreams and privately, as well as general work around the house.

In terms of my online work besides working on my shop and products for it, and doing reviews, and working with clientele in terms of tarot readings, I've also been slowly working on doing research for book reviews for witchy books. Some may see it as not legitimate work, but it's work to me, I'm trying to create an income in something that not only makes me happy but something I strongly believe in as well, but it's slow going.

Now this is just a disclaimer, I am not asking for advice, money, or opinions on my current situation or medical status. I am actively working with a medical team to best get to results as fast as they are able too, I do not want any form of donation to deal with medical debt. This was honestly just a place for me to vent away from my main profile on other platforms where people may have gotten the wrong idea and thought I was asking for money or tried to give me money, I honestly just wanted a place to vent and that's all this post is. It is a place to vent, and it's a moment in time that I can look back on in the future and see where all my progress started while I continue working on myself as a person.