#but not rn bc I need to work some
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me when the @tavernfest round 14 was announced: ohh maybe I can finish my cute caountryside fluffy knights art
me today: oh... the theme could also work for a gangbang 🤔🧠
two wolves yadda yadda XD
#moss text#but not rn bc I need to work some#and go out for a walk before complete dark#but it's in the backburner#unless sanremo brainrot spreads faster#eh#life of an artist is complicated#drawing log
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Yeah a teaser dropping on ST day would be cool. But can we agree that a DNA board reveal would be infinitely better?
#byler#stranger things#st5 predictions#st5 dna board#yes I know a dna board reveal doesn’t qualify as like major promo since most fans want something visual and real#and so it’s likely we’ll get a teaser regardless#which is great#but I’m just imagining the rest of the day being subpar in terms of stuff for us to actually analyze outside of the teaser#they released the s4 dna board during lockdown and a couple months before they even finished writing it#so s5’s board is definitely finalized by now#and it would cost them nothing…#well i mean technically it could cost them everything 😭#it’s just a matter of how on the nose they were about some of the titles it features#and if they’re willing to risk sharing that at this time when there’s still a year until release#i could see a decent amount of films on it being incriminating on so many different fronts#but I could also see some super random stuff in the mix that would distract people from reading into the incriminating stuff#it’s just something that could actually keep us busy analyzing for a while#a teaser would be everything we need rn#but the dna list is what I actually want 😭#i’ve been working on my own st5 dna board wishlist bc I’m so impatient for this#i’m gonna post it tomorrow#it’s time#and in the case they do reveal the dna board next week I want to have mine ready to see if there are any matches#i’ve also been working on my st5vision playlist for nearly 2 years now (jesus) and it’s time to share that too#soon!!
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#hi im j here 2 talk . saw this cow yday so i drew her and now u get 2 say hi#but omffgg my gd i dont know if any of u relate but i feel like my ability to socialize w others#specifically online and speciifically in interest-circles has gotten so much harder for no reason whatsoever#like im just becoming more self conscious ab how i portray myself and its so weird bc like . LIKEE I DONT KNOW like . ok#people r super njce . always super nice and reach out to me and talk w me or i reach out first and they respond and r soo sweet#and something happens in my brain where like . i feel like im suddenly like . inserting myself where i dont belong (not true) but why am i#the bus driver all of a sudden . in all of these situations . me when i just show up like hey#i think i j feel annoying >__< . and i dont want to bother other people but said people r literally never bothered ykwim like Will Reach Out#and im the one that pulls back but 4 no reason . i cant even think ab why i do that .why am i doing this 🧨#so many ppl i want to genuinely befriend in all of these spaces but im self sabotaging soo frwaking bad#literally rn thinking of some dms i left on read bc i panicked or mutuals ive talked w before who im nervous 2 be familiar w . hrmm#anyways . i kind of wish i had the ability 2 just talk to new people and not actually gaf ab the outcome#HELPP .. early tmblr or wcf or devart where u have thirty million friends 2 now where u r too scared 2 say hi to an almost friend .#me problem though . if not alr clear HEJAHHAAHA i think part of my reluctance also stems from the fact that i know i get this way#and so i dont want 2 rope someone else into that insecurity so i try to keep it at an arms length until i fix it#but i think i also know its a longer & more introspective thing to work on so i do need to just try anyways
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I'm REALLY busy with work rn BUT that doesn't stop me from falling into GF rabbit hole because THAT BOOK....
It feels like 2015 again wow
#Internet here is BAD but eh#Basically I'm working at summer camp rn and it's.... Yeah#26 kids and 2 of us and there's like 4 groups like that#Anyway that's where I've been#I'm still processing end of MHA too#So it helps!#ANYWAY#gravity falls#bill cipher#the book of bill#the book of bill spoilers#Kinda!#sketch#my art#fanart#I literally took my phone and did this bc THIS BOOK#I honestly didn't think how much I needed it until I read it#Like I did have some headcanons and stuff and Flat Dreams left it's mark! But THIS? this scratched an itch I didn't remember existing#Like it WAS there but I forgot about it#It's cool#Phew anyway back to no-internet land
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alright, friends, it's time for a lil heart-to-heart.
for quite a while now, i've struggled with feeling like the rpc is an actual community. there's a few things that contribute to this feeling, but it mostly comes down to a lack of interaction and visible interest. sometimes i feel very one-sided in my interest and attachment to my mutuals bc when i see their ooc posts or headcanons, i like them or comment, yet this isn't reciprocated by everyone. i can usually guess who i'm about to see in my notifications, and to be absolutely clear, i'm very grateful for those people!! it's a handful or two of you, but it could be just one and i'd be grateful. it's not about numbers whatsoever but rather growing uncomfortable that not all of my mutuals are all that interested in my character or me.
i write on here to share the excitement of creating with other people. i write on here to create together, too, but i'm also here to share characters and ideas and lore with people i know are happy to hear me ramble. i'm just getting to the point in which i'm questioning how many of you are actually happy to listen, and that's just not a good feeling at all. i'm not a mind reader, y'all. if you don't tell or show me that you care about the things i talk about or even about interacting, there's no way for me to know. eventually, i'm going to question why you're following me if i never see or hear from you, and eventually, i'm going to softblock and move on. that's the only way forward i see right now because i just do not feel comfortable on my own blog. i feel like i'm retreating into this quiet bubble to avoid discomfort, and it really sucks. it's killing my muse.
i'm not perfect. none of us are, and we can't be online at all times to catch every little post. but if we're a community, then we should be supporting each other when we can and liking headcanons, liking/commenting on those lil ooc posts that remind us our writing partners are humans with lives outside this site, reblogging their promo posts, sending in that meme they've reblogged even if we're nervous to reach out first -- if we're a roleplaying community, then we need to act like it. " community " implies connection, and a connection doesn't really begin when you follow each other. it begins when you reach out, even if it's in some small way.
tldr: i think we can all do better to support our mutuals and to connect, and i'm going to softblock people rather than continue to feel unsure where i stand with my mutuals. i won't start until sometime next week, and i won't make one of those " like this to remain mutuals " posts. they're not helpful to me, if i'm honest. if you're worried, just reach out. i'm literally a 4'9'' gremlin who sleeps with a m.unchlax plushie -- i promise i'm not scary despite this post uvu
#if i reread this one more time my head will explode asdfg so i'm done and hitting post#i need to stress though i'm very thankful for the people i have connected with in small and big ways <3 it means a lot to me#but i've been told bottling things up isn't a great idea so it's time i was just honest#also i’ve felt like this for a long time#so it’s not the time of year bc i know everyone gets busy during the holidays#i’m just feeling frustrated and tired bc in some instances my efforts do feel one-sided and this hobby is supposed to be an escape#rn it’s not such a great escape for me. i’m trying to be honest so that can change#i’m trying overall to reshape this blog a little in how i run it bc i want us all to have fun and feel seen#that means creating boundaries and being honest and trying new methods so that i don’t get overwhelmed and can actually write and chat#with everyone that i’d like to write and chat with uvu#alright……. i think that’s it after i’ve rambled in the tags asfhjk#i’ll queue this and a bunch of other stuff later when i’ve got time#for now i gotta finish getting ready for work — pls have a lovely day everyone!#get ready to ramble | ooc
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19.11.23, sunday
I listened to Succession soundtrack a lot today and had about the most productive day I’ve had in so so long
things done today:
7h of coding
went to my sister’s kid’s birthday party (mario theme 🍄)
#even tho during the first 4 hours it was me slowly realizing that I had configured/set up my one project wrong somehow#and I’m so far gone with it now that idk how to rly fix it other than starting again and trying to speedrun all I’ve done so far#aka the 50hours I’ve spent on it#but i’m hoping I’ll get it to function by just fucking around with adding some files & paths manually (i doubt that’ll work)#that’s a big yikes that I would not have time for#but I’ve done enough to get a grade out of that course but rn it’d be 3/5 and I want 5/5 bc it’s an easy course to get that from#and god knows I need to do everything in my power to raise my gpa#studyblr#bookblr#booklr#aesthetic#books#study#reading#read#book#dark academia#chaotic academia#november 2023#2023
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we are underutilising the possibility of agrippa/maecenas yaoi
#sort of related when colleen explicitly (i think explicitly?) says that maecenas is In Homoerotic Love with octavian and then the whole.#dynamic. that that COULD have created (and sort of did) in masters of rome if she didnt try and retcon the gay out of a/o but idk#also augustus imperium like just the whole movie. and the one bit in either suetonius or dio <- brain not working rn but whatever#where its like ooh they clash and argue bc agrippa's too rustic and maecenas is a city boy. okay well maybe they should kiss about it#may have misremembered that or got it from some hist fic or other. AGH i need to cite my goddamn yaoi sources#agrippa#blah blah
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#no punchline just slice of life ^_^#tho i did wanna make it longer but felt it wouldnt ''end'' properly ykwim#anyway talon has qualms bc he wants to go to the spring but isnt feeling well enough to make the walk rn#he needs some blood#a doodley#OH and more context is al's parents' home isnt/wasnt readily adapted to smaller furs! it was a surprise visit#and al was at work so they were stuck there for a bit
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well. i need to yell about it somewhere. listen. Amanda Lehan Canto on newest season of Um Actually. Ify hosting. BDG hosting with Ify!!!!!!! Fucking. WILD.
#this is when i reveal that ive accidentally gone down a DEEPLY gay rabbit hole about the smosh women in my cr hiatus#but also this new season looks SO goood!!!!!! BRIAN AND IFY CO HOSTING. WILDIN. i will miss u trapp and michael but !!!#not cr#dropout#god i need to figure out my dropout tagging on this blog sorry#um actually#brian david gilbert#ify nwadiwe#...#amanda lehan canto#at some point i should maybe make a spread of sideblogs. but that day is not today#also. yes. amanda lehan canto on dropout. god im having an out of body experience at work rn from sheer excitement#im SO thrilled and also so curious what the episode topic is bc. my impression os that damien and amanda's knowledge sets do NOT overlap#v much
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I'm keeping this somewhat on a back burner because I think I need more data, but I feel like a current boundary being tested in actual play, for TTRPGs that are, for lack of a better way to put it, party-based and ostensibly heroic, is exploring in-game whether the PCs might be the bad guys or even just neutral guys who are not up to the task. (For this reason, "evil" campaigns do not count here, since those aren't about exploring it as a possibility but instead are simply stating that's the situation - I'm looking for the doubt and realization).
I feel like fans (and some GMs and players) get really skittish about this as a possibility, which is unfortunate because it's one of the most interesting things you can do.
#the best example i can think of offhand is sean finnerty tbh#like it feels some GMs and players are willing to play with it#but even then it's so often in places where consequences are lessened (bcbp and trinyvale come to mind)#and granted. this needs REALLY solid table discussion and agreement beforehand#AND it requires a LOT of GM work re: the enemy#i need to find like. actual play scholars somewhere bc i feel the two big trends rn are#1. more editing/production/removal from the table (which i think is bad)#and 2. this (which i think is good)#oh god. do i have to try to watch kollok. i don't really want to but i feel like i should to be informed.
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Does anyone have any tips to help stop yourself from comparing your artwork to others, or equating your value as an artist with likes and reblogs?
I've struggled with this for a while and it's getting old, I don't know how to just shrug it off. Any genuine advice would be nice
#its just bygging me bc i know rationally they dont matter i knoe they dont#but i still feel it in my bones that im not good enough because my work doesnt circulate on platforms#i paint for fun and then i post and i get these feelings and theyre so goddamn annoying#i know to just keep posting anyway and try to enjoy the ride but my Depression Brain is such an asshole#i wish it would be quiet#i never used to feel this way either until likes and reposts/reblogs became so integral to social media#on top of needing commissions to get by while looking for work and attending school soon#idk maybe this is just a vent and ik no one can Fix it that simply#i guess im just speaking 2 the void rn and maybe others feel the same#*bugging#and i really am so grateful just to know anyone likes it or comments on it and reading feedback really really means so much#but i feel like unless im pumping out specific fandom stuff that doesnt really happen#but the negative thoughts and feelings can b rly strong sometimes and im just tired#im sure this is a depression thing too#hoping i can get into therapy thru school but it depends on finances as everything else in this world does 🫠#ill keep going tho#and please if you are someone who does comment or reblog and say something about the work please do not ever stop#it means so much to me and others im positive it does#i see you and i appreciate you so so much#thank you and thank you to anyone who reads or comments some ideas
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god why am i so fucking stupid. having adhd is truly a curse and i hate bearing it
#not to vent on main but. fml actually!#in my health assessment lab we had this case study assignment to do and i freaking. misunderstood all of it so bad#idk why but for some reason i thought we were supposed to make up a patient ourselves for it#…we were not#no :) we were not :) there’s a freaking. TEMPLATE for the exact patient we were supposed to do it on in the module#that i opened once and then forgot about because adhd just works like that#and now im literally . kmsing because we fucking . we fucking presented these orally in class#and i was only half paying attention bc i was (incorrectly) documenting my (made-up) patient information on the record#and i thought it was weird that like 2 or 3 people seemed to have VERY similar patients but did not question it further#…which is to say. i may be stupid.#and now i feel like dying because im gonna have to email my professor and TELL HER how stupid i am#and hope that she takes enough pity on me and my cursed brain to let me do it over properly#because my lab grade is now barely a 77 and i need a 75 to pass. and our final assessment is tomorrow.#i genuinely cannot live like this anymore im serious#i need a fucking brain transplant#anyway tl;dr guys please pray for me please please please im actually disintegrating rn#to delete later
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oc posting
#undescribed#bonk.png#great god grove#ggg#first literally only exists bc i saw the og image thought post game patty but then realized that i dont think she'd be on good terms with#capochin or (redacted so i dont have to tag spoilers) like that immediately post game so instead ellie in there#second thing is still a work in progress idk if im 100% settled with this design for them very least i need to refine it more to the style#but ive been stewing in like a fake level for reverie but idk if i'll ever do anything more than what ive written#(as in like hand gestures n outlining what happens writing) bc id need to redesign some of the ocs i reworked into it#design notes tho the little heart thing is from an image i saw of an old timey boiler n i thought the little pipes ontop were cute#n heart shape adjacent the fake level takes place instead a hotel n their design is meant to be hiker adjacent#bc hiking is something that also requires safety knowledge (debating whether to give them a little backpack or not)#im still drawing rn just wanted to throw these out
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It‘a kind of insane how Baghdad is always on my mind tbh I would do anything to run away to the capital and deal w my dad’s crazy relatives calling me whitewashed just so I could sit on a bistro and look at the string of lights and listen to people speak Arabic and eat Iraqi food and feel like a true Iraqiya
#But I have smmmm going on here studying research clinic etc#And I need to stick the landing like an adult#But I miss it sm and the yearning has been so strong#I need to center my Iraqi identity over my American one for like 3 months straight#I yearnpost about Iraq every three business days bc ever since June hit I’ve been going crazy#Last June I was already there ):#And I love all that I’m doing here but sometimes a girl just needs to run away to Baghdad for a summer#The work will pay off eventually and I’ll be glad to have been patient ab it but I’m j having an underdeveloped prefrontal cortex moment rn#I also had plans to go to Europe too but I think I need to plan it better and tie off some loose ends here first#Whatevs
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anyway. made a scrunchie 2nite…
#won’t be able to wear it after this week bc i’m chopping off half my hair on friday….#been growing it out so i can do wolf cut/shag cuts but they grow out too fast & then my hair is just long & boring…sad!#also NEED to get some circular needles that r actually small enough to knit scrunchies on bc i had to do this w flat needles so the edge is#wonky :(( but thats ok it’s still cute….#working on a sweater rn as well & have also made 2 balaclavas & 2 hood/scarf things this winter…#want to try fingerless gloves next & also a hat w little ear flaps….also more hats…so many fun things 2 knit wheeeeee
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Thank u God. Today is a better day so far.
Also please pray for me. I got laid off from my job, and my old boss is trying to recommend me to a new one, but I don’t know the new people or have their contact info. Please pray someone gets back to me soon and I don’t stay out of work for too long, and that my new job won’t burn me out too badly.
#blue chatter#I might be able to actually get smth done today#I rested LOTS yesterday#and going to DND helped#I think I need some more social time with friends to help with the Encroaching Sadness Void#while still giving myself time to rest and sleep#bc I’m constantly tired#but I’m doing laundry which is a lot of work for me rn#so everyone be proud of me#mayb I’ll ask Lemony to do a productivity call with me tonight#I know I don’t have to finish my methods section bc I got an extension#but I still want to get as much done as I can#and I still have research methods to work on#I have neuroscience coloring to do by tomorrow morning#and I have ASL tomorrow and I missed ASL yesterday so I need to catch up on that as well#Blegh#taking half a day off sure causes a lot of homework#but I am getting laundry done!
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