#rn it’s not such a great escape for me. i’m trying to be honest so that can change

[quietlyblooms]

alright, friends, it's time for a lil heart-to-heart.

for quite a while now, i've struggled with feeling like the rpc is an actual community. there's a few things that contribute to this feeling, but it mostly comes down to a lack of interaction and visible interest. sometimes i feel very one-sided in my interest and attachment to my mutuals bc when i see their ooc posts or headcanons, i like them or comment, yet this isn't reciprocated by everyone. i can usually guess who i'm about to see in my notifications, and to be absolutely clear, i'm very grateful for those people!! it's a handful or two of you, but it could be just one and i'd be grateful. it's not about numbers whatsoever but rather growing uncomfortable that not all of my mutuals are all that interested in my character or me.

i write on here to share the excitement of creating with other people. i write on here to create together, too, but i'm also here to share characters and ideas and lore with people i know are happy to hear me ramble. i'm just getting to the point in which i'm questioning how many of you are actually happy to listen, and that's just not a good feeling at all. i'm not a mind reader, y'all. if you don't tell or show me that you care about the things i talk about or even about interacting, there's no way for me to know. eventually, i'm going to question why you're following me if i never see or hear from you, and eventually, i'm going to softblock and move on. that's the only way forward i see right now because i just do not feel comfortable on my own blog. i feel like i'm retreating into this quiet bubble to avoid discomfort, and it really sucks. it's killing my muse.

i'm not perfect. none of us are, and we can't be online at all times to catch every little post. but if we're a community, then we should be supporting each other when we can and liking headcanons, liking/commenting on those lil ooc posts that remind us our writing partners are humans with lives outside this site, reblogging their promo posts, sending in that meme they've reblogged even if we're nervous to reach out first -- if we're a roleplaying community, then we need to act like it. " community " implies connection, and a connection doesn't really begin when you follow each other. it begins when you reach out, even if it's in some small way.

tldr: i think we can all do better to support our mutuals and to connect, and i'm going to softblock people rather than continue to feel unsure where i stand with my mutuals. i won't start until sometime next week, and i won't make one of those " like this to remain mutuals " posts. they're not helpful to me, if i'm honest. if you're worried, just reach out. i'm literally a 4'9'' gremlin who sleeps with a m.unchlax plushie -- i promise i'm not scary despite this post uvu

[eternal-kosmo-ghoul]

*°:⋆ₓₒ day 20. hate sex

.｡❅*⋆⍋*∞*｡ “just this once”

˚₊· ͟͟͞͞➳❥ — ❤︎ stuck in a log cabin with an old enemy, except ifrit’s been feeling extra lonely this christmas

pairing: ifrit ghoul x gn!ghoul!reader

a/n: ifrit is so hot and i want his dick inside of me rn

cw: nsfw content. hate sex. rough sex. penetration. dubcon (?). spanking. hair pulling. exes fucking each other. intense sexual tension

▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄

“i’m going to fuck you so hard you’ll be begging to have me back. and you’re going to fucking like it.” —❤︎

┅✦┅

“can’t believe i’m stuck here with you, of all ghouls.”

“oh really? how do you think i feel!? it’s certainly not a ray of sunshine to be around you too!”

the two ghouls glared at each other, the tension between them palpable. you couldn’t believe it, out of all of the damn infernals that walked the topside, it had to be him.

you wanted to rent yourself out a little log cabin for christmas, to get away from the city and have some time to yourself. however, upon renting the cabin, you realized that both you and your ex-boyfriend got rented into the same, private log cabin on accident.

just great.

you’d never thought you’d see ifrit again, but here we are.

the fire ghoul only eyes you up and down, before rolling his eyes and throwing his suitcase to the side. both of you were unglamoured, showing off your demonic traits to the world. ifrit let out a snarl and gripped a chunk of his hair as he tried to calm himself down, but the very sight of you just agitated him.

“why can’t you just go get a different cabin? it’s clear we’re both supposed to have our own.” ifrit asked, but the tone in his voice was clearly agitated, which in turn only made you more upset.

“hell no. i’ve waited far too long for a cabin like this one. and i’m not about to let some pansy take it away from me.” you chided, referring to ifrit as the pansy.

that comment only made his tail swish in annoyance. ifrit huffed, smoky embers of frustration emitting from his mouth.

“well isn’t this just great! i’m stuck in a log cabin with the most obnoxious and overbearing ghoul there was to ever walk the earth!” ifrit complained, showing that he definitely wasn’t excited to be sharing a cabin with you.

your tail stiffened from annoyance, and you turned around to punch ifrit in the shoulder, making him yelp and cling onto the spot where you had punched him.

“well geez it’s not like you were any better to be around! oh and how i wonder why i broke up with an arrogant prick like you.” you insulted, clearly trying to get under ifrit’s skin.

and it was working alright.

ifrit just snarled and rammed onto your shoulder with his head, his horns poking at your shoulder blade, making you screech and hold onto your arm, rubbing it to try and soothe the pain.

“arrogant prick?” the fire ghoul repeated, a bitter and dry chuckle escaping his lips before he threw a few jabs himself. “i know damn well i’m not hearing this from crybaby over here.”

you narrowed your eyes at him, pupils dilating like a cat’s.

“who the hell are you calling crybaby, asshole?!”

“who do you think, genius? or do you have to repeat elementary school because you’re too stupid to understand?”

the arguing eventually escalated to a point where you and your ex were locking horns like two goats, both trying to push each other and make the other loose balance. the fight was… kind of pathetic to be honest. both of you were too stubborn to back down, baring your fangs and growling like rabid animals as you both fought. eventually, both of you got tired and collapsed on the singular bed, chests heaving as you both panted heavily.

ifrit was the first to turn over and face you, and both of you shared a brief glare.

“fuck you.” is all he could utter out.

and you just nodded.

“right back at ya.”

neither of you didn’t say anything for a moment. what were the odds of two ghouls wanting to go to a winter vacation home and accidentally ending up in the same cabin? slim chances alright, but it just so happened that you and ifrit got those unlucky chances.

the fire ghoul groaned and looked up at the ceiling, just starting to realize how petty and pathetic your guy’s fight was.

“what the hell are we even doing?” he sighed out. “we broke up, and are fighting like children over something so petty and fixable.

“i can’t believe i’m saying this, but i actually agree with you for once.” you panted out, agreeing with your ex. that’s probably the only thing you’ll ever agree on in a while.

the two of you sat in silence on the bed for a moment, not bothering to look at each other. it was quiet for a good while, but you both could tell that there was still some unresolved tension between the two of you.

suddenly, ifrit shifted his body, and slowly moved to climb on top of you, quickly grabbing your wrists and pinning you down to the bed. your eyes widened in shock, and you were about to say something, but ifrit shushed you by putting the spade of his tail against your mouth.

“shut up.” he spoke, still clearly aggravated and having some pent up energy within him. “i need a release.”

you already had a feeling where this was going, but you needed to hear the words from ifrit himself.

“so… what are you going to do?” you asked in anticipation.

ifrit just leaned down and growled in your ear, his claws tightening around your wrists.

“i’m going to fuck you so hard you’ll be begging to have me back. and you’re going to fucking like it.”

—

how did you end up like this again?

the bed was rocking heavily against the wall, with you and your ex being the cause of it. bent over doggy style with your ass in the air, you were moaning loudly and whorishly while ifrit pounded into you hard from behind, groaning and grunting in the process.

one of his hands was gripping the base of your wagging tail harshly, while the other grabbed a fistful of your hair and pulled your head back, making you cry out in pure pleasure while ifrit’s fat, hard cock stretched out your hole in a needy way. you almost forgotten how good ifrit fucks, and he was just proving it to you over and over again with how hard he was fucking you right now.

“fuck yes.” he moaned through gritted teeth, stroking the base of your tail while his dick hit all the right spots inside of you.

“take it, y/n. take it all like the good cumdump you are.” he smirked, his thrusts becoming more quick and fast as he went to town on you.

you just sat there and took everything he was giving you. your claws gripped the sheets so tightly you swore you were going to rip them off the mattress. ifrit felt so good inside of you, it was way too familiar.

“f-fuck!! ahh! s-slow down, asshole!” you tried to warn, but your voice sounded way too needy, and that turned on ifrit even more.

“you can take it, y/n.” he grunted, pulling you closer as he thrusted harder. “you’ve always been able to.”

those words just sent you over the edge, making you moan loudly and your hole grip onto his cock more tightly as his thrusts got more erratic.

more. more. more. you needed more of him.

ifrit didn’t even know what sparked inside of him for him to just randomly decide to fuck his ex on the spot. maybe there was that sense of longing that desperately itched his brain. the need to have someone, a mate that he could love again. the breakup with you was messy, and yet he found himself so infatuated with you. yet, he hated you so much at the same time.

the conflicting emotions turned him on so much.

he just had to have you. one, last, time.

“c’mon, y/n. feel it all, feel my cock inside of your slutty hole.” he panted out, his movements getting quicker, thrusting into you deeply while he relished the sounds of your desperate moans.

“feel it stretch you good. you fucking slut.”

his hand slowly let go of the base of your tail, and moved down to spank your rear hard, making you squeak and squirm around as you took all of the sensations at once. ifrit spanked you liked you were the worse thing to walk this planet, and he truly felt like you were for the moment. but, he still found you so strikingly hot. his spankings only matched in time with each thrust, and the spanks got harder and harder while you were getting closer and closer.

you were in a state of pleasure and pain. his thrusts were so hard it hurt, but they felt so damn good at the same time.

“oh yes that’s it, y/n.”

smack.

“you’re doing so good, taking me so well.”

smack.

“i bet you wanted this the entire time, right? you just wanted to fuck your ex, huh?”

smack.

“say it, say you wanted to fuck me the entire time.

smack. oh it was so painful against your rear, but it felt so fucking good. ifrit was definitely projecting onto you now, but you were too deep in a lustful trance to care.

“y-yes! yes i-i wanted you the entire time!” you cried out, and you meant every word of it, even if you hated speaking it. “i-i wanted you so bad! y-your cock in my hole! a-ahhh!”

“ahh there we fucking go. music to my fucking ears.” ifrit grunted out, feeling himself getting closer as he thrusted into you.

“fuck y/n. i’m gonna cum.” he warned, and you nodded.

“m-me too! fuck i wanna cum so bad!” you cried out.

it wasn’t long, but after a few more thrusts, ifrit’s thick, hot seed spilled into your hole as your ex emptied himself. you followed soon behind afterwards, cum spurring everywhere, making a mess on your body and the sheets.

you both slumped against the bed, and ifrit laid on top of you.

he just snickered, and pulled your hair up, looking at your pathetic, fucked our face while you whimpered. tears of both pleasure and pain stained your cheeks, and you looked so defeated. ifrit knew it all too well.

ifrit just snarled in your face and licked your earlobe, before speaking.

“look who’s crying now.”

▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄

[tokoyamisstuff]

This Is New For Me

Loki x Reader

Summary: Life on Asgard can be straining - especially if the God of Mischief has taken a liking to you.

Warnings: Loki being so terrible at flirting it physically hurts, bullying, this got way angstier than I initially intended

Words: ~2800

A/N: I’ve written this trying to distract myself from personal problems, but honestly I can’t think straight rn. Dunno I kinda hate how this turned out but here you go I guess...sorry.

Loki Odinson must really despise you.

No matter how often Thor would stand up for his brother and try to justify his behavior, there was no other explanation for you other than that he must truly hate you with every essence of his being.

In the beginning, having been invited in the palace to train magic under the Allmother sounded like a once-in-a-lifetime chance - yet all that’s left from your initial excitement had been replaced by pure annoyance.

Lately, whenever you knew that you had to attend class with that certain raven-haired prince, your insides would churn before you even arrived.

Weeks have turned into months, never once ceasing his condescending remarks or childish pranks. Of course, he wasn’t called the God of Mischief for nothing.

All nine realms had tales to tell about his sheganinans - yet with you, he seemed especially invested. There was not one encounter where he could leave you at peace, always ending with you being victim to his wicked humor. 

The man did not seem to respect you at all - and it made you furious.

Today, you’d show him just what you were capable of!

“Greetings, great Allmother.” Polite as always, you bowed deeply in front of your queen, her magnificent presence still making you jittery beyond belief.

“No need for formalities, my lovely student” she responded heartily, only making you admire her even more - until a loud, exaggerated sigh cut through the calm atmosphere.

“Her again?” There he stood, maintaining his defensive pose as he rolled his eyes at you. “Mother, why would you keep on bringing a lowlife like her to defile this holy place?”

This was probably the millionth time that Frigga apologized deeply for her son’s behavior, and you were always amazed by her patience with him. How could a person so formidable end up raising such a troublemaker?

But then again...if she believes that there is good in the God of Mischief, then so would you.

“For today, I have prepared a spell that can only be cast by two mages at once”, Frigga explained, while Loki would still not bid you a single look. “So throughout this lesson, you will need to work together to succeed.”

Irritation was clearly visible on his face - and if you were perfectly honest, you weren’t really fond of that idea either. Yet if it was your scolar’s wish, none of you would protest.

“Spontaneous creation of complex concepts puts a huge stroll on one’s mind and body, so do not be frustrated if it doesn’t work within the first try.”

The idea was simple: Create a blooming meadow in midst of the palace floor, since creating life would be way too complex - only masters of the sorcery arts could take this spell to completion.

You and Loki were now sitting on the bare floor in front of each other and only now you realized how tense he had become, sweat dripping from his forehead and biting his bottom lip.

Was your presence really so terrible that he couldn’t bear with it?!

“Hey” you whispered, taking his hands to form a ring just as instructed “Don’t worry, we’re gonna get this!”

“I don’t need your encouragement...” he spat between gritted teeth, now that you noticed his palms were just as sweaty as his face seemed to be.

One second. Two, tree...fourty....a hundret and two...

“Relax” Loki repeated to himself as if it was his mantra - but now, with your fingers entangled in his? Sheer impossible.

Distraught, he shot his mother a desperate look, just for her to point  towards you, sitting cross-legged and seemingly completely relaxed.

Since your eyes were closed, Loki took this chance to observe every detail of your face, without having to fear that you’d notice his little infatuation.

By the norns - you were as fair and bewitching as always. So way, way out of his league. An unreachable, vigorous being. No angel, valkyrie or similar could ever reach up to you - at least in his eyes.

Was this what they called love at first sight? Loki only knew those sentiments from novels he always ridiculed before he got to know you.

Slowly and steadily, Loki aligned his breathing pattern with yours, picturing the cycle of energy the two of you formed. Carefully, he began infusing you with his magic, trying his best to allow yourself do the same to him.

Another minute passed by and you were finally able to let your magic flow through each other’s bodies entirely, like a serene stream.

With things being like this, he felt so different from the Loki you knew.

His magic was strong, indeed - but so gentle, warm and somehow comfortable to be coated with. You wondered-

“HEY!”

As soon as Loki slapped your hand away, breaking the cycle, all of the flowers that had previously bloossomed through you would wither in an instant.

“What the hel do you think you’re doing, you mewling quim?!” Loki shoutet as loud as his lungs allowed him to, while his mother’s face distorted in second-hand-embarrasment at her son’s choice of words. “Who do you think you are?!”

“I-I’m sorry, I just-” You only wanted to scan his emotions through the magic bond you shared, just peek under the cover for a mere second - what was he so afraid of you to find?

“Know your place, woman!” The god pointed at you before he rushed up, ignoring the ache in his heart as he saw your face contort in sadness. “You are beneath me, never forget that!”

Why were you even surprised?

“You’re right” you sniveled quietly as you balled a fist in your dress, and Loki hated himself so much that he wished to just disappear. “My apologies. You don’t have to put up with me ever again.”

As always, instead of fighting, you made your leave without ever fighting back.

Frigga’s pleads for you to stay and talk this over were all for naught when you rushed away, muttering curses directed towards youself rather than anyone else.

Instead of scolding her son, she’d punish him through her silence, furiously shaking her head as she rushed away as well.

Why did he always have to ruin everything?!

The God of Mischief was very well aware that whenever you were close, his mind went completely blank - and that made him panic.

Never before he had felt so goddamn vulnerable in front of anything, terrifying him beyond belief.

And Loki loathed that feeling: Losing control over himself, being reminded once again how alone and  unloveable he is, facing a goddess as stunning as you are every single day.

So he concluded it to be best to cope like he did all those millenia: Cover up those insecurities, shove his anxieties in the back of his heart and protect his heart from anyone coming close.

Good thing you believed that presumptupus, disoblinging duplicity of his to be his true self.

That would make it easier for the both of you, having as much distance as humanly possible. Vicinity could become dangerous terrain.

Yes, he would only save you some time - it would be a waste if you would try to actually give him a chance, just to be let down by what kind of disappointment he truly was.

But it wouldn’t end here - since the only way Loki Odinson first and only communication was through causing mischief.

A scream of yours startled the servants early in the morning, with your personal maiden being the first to rush to your side.

“Milady, wha-” She stopped in her tracks as she saw you standing in front of the mirror, touching your scalp in disbelief, where everything had been cut short.

That was it. Enough of it!

Dismissing the servants, you took a scissor and tried to at least make an acceptable hairstyle out of the mess he had made, before you would leave to the royal garden.

“You!” Pointing towards Loki, innocently sitting on a bench to watch the sunrise, you screamed and let a strand of hair run from your fingers to the floor. “You did this!”

“Now relax, would you” he chuckled, wearing his smug grin like a trophy as he defendingly held his hands into the air. “You should be grateful, it looks much better like this.”

Next thing he knew was the feeling of your backhand, mercilessly crushing against his collarbone.

Usually, you’d be shocked at yourself, for you had never been a person to choose violence ever before - but right now, you were too full of anger and hurt to even realize.

“You conniving craven pathetic worm!” you exclaimed, breathing heavily as you swung yet another fist towards the prince - however, he grabbed your wrists, trapping you in his hold.

In his life full of wrongdoings, he had been called worse than that - yet still, hearing insults coming from you of all people shot arrows through his heart with every word escaping his lips. Not that he’d ever admit, though.

“It was just a little prank.” Loki would’ve never thought that his actions would affect you this much. “What are you so worked up about?”

“All this time I believed there could be a good person beneath all that...but now what?” The compassion you detected in his eyes were only upsetting you even more. “You are a selfish, cruel and terrible person, and I gave up on you.”

Loki let go off of you, staring at you in disbelief:

You actually believed in him, all this time?! That was impossible!

If anything, the Odinson had always believed you to ignore his existence completely, if he wouldn’t use such drastic measures to attract your attention.

“Wait a second, I-”

“I hope you know that you deserve to be alone...” you sniveled, turning around to face him one last time before you fled the scene. “And you always will be.”

Several minutes had passed until Loki had given up in silencing he voices inside his head that told him you were right: He was indeed a despicable being, tainting your pure goodwill - repelling anyone that would still be willing to give the God of Mischief a chance.

Out of a whim, he jumped up from his place, wanting to rush after you. He was very well aware that he was probably beyond forgiveness by now, yet he at least wanted to make things up to you - even though he had no clue where to start.

“Calm down, Lady Y/N.”

Thor’s voice drang to Loki’s ears just a mere second before he saw that particular heart-wrenching scene unfold in front of him:

You were lying in his brother’s arms, crying to your heart’s extend while soothed you, softly petting what remained from your hair.  Loki remained hidden in the shadows, even though his guts told him to stab his brother right here and now.

“My brother...you know-” The God of Thunder was trying to find the right words, even though poetic speeches were not really his forte. “It’s just his speecial, twisted way of interacting. Who knows where he got that from.”

“I rather wonder if he realized how his behavior truly makes me feel” you snapped back, unwilling to keep defending him. “Weak and worthless, that’s how I feell. And every time our ways cross, he’s making it worse!”

By the gods, Loki never wanted to make you feel that way, let alone think such ways about yourself! He of all people, who knew best what its like to feel unfit and nowhere near enough.

Loki grabbed the fabric of his shirt tight, feeling that his heart might burst if he didn’t. It took everything in him to not let out a loud sob and be caught - but then, his brother snapped him out of it with an impossible question:

“Do you still love him?”

“L-Love might not be the right word, I mean-” Lately, you had let Thor in on your secret admiration for his younger brother. “With the way he’s treating me, and all-”

You just couldn’t help being drawn to him against all reason. After everything you had endured, just to be close to him - and he never even acknowledged your feelings.

And still, here you were, crying over a man that didn’t want you.

“Lady Y/N?”

Loki’s voice made you panic, immediately wriggling out of Thor’s embrace. The Odinson understood immediately, nodding towards his brother before leaving the two of you alone.

“Since when have you been standing there?!” Panic dropped to your stomach, wondering just how much he had heared.

“From the very beginning.”

Before you could even think about what to do now, Loki summoned a dagger, cutting off his raven locks in one swift move. “Wha-”

“Please, accept this as means of apology.” The man now dropped to one knee, humbly facing the ground. “I have never intended to make you doubt your most perfect self.”

Frantic, you were scanning his voice, face, anything for the slightest hint of a lie - but nothing. Loki seemed determined and sincere when he looked up to you, hesistantly taking a hold of your hand.

“This is new for me...” he uttered under his breath as his lips graced your knuckles, and only now you realized that he was trembling ever so slightly. 

“I-Is that another trick?!”

“What kind of vicious being do you think I am?” Well, after everything he had commited it was only natural of you accusing him. “There are lines not even I do not cross.”

Only for a brief second your heart felt a little bit lighter, as his eyes were locked with yours, lost in this moment you have been waited for so long...

...a little too unexpected, right?

Suddenly, you tugged your hand away, and Loki could only sigh in frustration. Of course it won’t be that easy for him to gain your trust. “I don’t need your pity, Loki...”

No matter how he racked his brain around the matter, he had burdened your shared past probably beyond the point of repair.

That would be his last chance, maybe the last time he’d ever see you again. He was so desperate in his attempt, and yet - what else could he do?

So for the first time in millenias, the God of Mischief decided to speak from the heart for a change:

"Y/N, I-I...As I said, this is new for me, so...” he cleared his throat before continuing, stress literally dropping out of every pore. “From the first day we’ve met, you...I mean...you were the most magnificent being I ever laid eyes upon, and...when I think about it now, I-I may be enarmored with you.”

Your eyes widened at this wholeheartedly confession, a sincere smile playing on his lips in contrast of sole tears running down his face.

Never before you had seen him like that: Flustered, vulnerable, and honest...

“I thought to be unworthy of your affection, so I tried to belittle you, to...I don’t even know. I’ve been told many times I am quite assertive of anyone but myself. I-I mean, I am a mess...I don’t understand my own feelings and thus drive away any chance of happiness, and...how could you ever-?”

“Mhh...” you silenced the man as your lips crushed over his, falling straight into his arms. It took Loki quite a second to fully grasp the situation before deepening the kiss, his arms wrapping around you as if you’d disappear if he was to ever let go.

“Y/N...” the prince gasped when your lips parted from that breathtaking kiss - and this time it was you who wore that thug grin on your face.

"Apology accepted” you giggled, just to smother the face of this flabbergasted man in yet another thousand smaller kisses.

This had to be a dream, he thought...and immediately, a wave of guilt washed over him. He did not deserve this in the slightest.

“Now, don’t give me that look.” Cupping Loki’s face in your hands, you gifted him that heartwarming expression he had ignored for so many years, thinking it was not meant for him. “That kiss wiped my memory from everything you’ve done...by now.”

Out of sheer, genuine happiness, Loki leaped from the floor and excitedly swirled you around in his arms.

After another kiss that would kick the air right out of your lungs. the god would peck a more gentle one afterwards, as sweet and tender as no one ever thought he could be.

Even if it’s gonna be a long way, Loki would prove to be worthy of your love.

“Lady Y/N...if you are to believe in me, then I swear I will be on my best behavior from now on!”

"Let's see about that."

[juniorfics]

Savior

I'm not sure when this was supposed to be set but let's say it's 2 years after Tamaki graduated from UA (so Deku and the others are third-years rn) and ur the same age as him so like 21/22

By: J

Tamaki Amajiki x Fem!Reader

Wordcount: 1.6k

Quirk: Toxic (Adding any of your cells to water makes it very poisonous.)

Warnings: Kidnapping

Sometimes you wished you had a different quirk, or even no quirk at all. Your quirk was dangerous, but since it was pretty easily controlled, you weren't bullied as much as some people you knew. Of course, there were always people who seemed to be angry at you for simply existing, but they never bothered you too much because you knew that you would never hurt someone on purpose. You'd always admired heroes, but you knew there was no way you could be one with your quirk. It might have worked if you could control the toxicity of the poison created from your cells, but you couldn't. It was immediately fatal, and there was no cure.

Your mom was quirkless and you had the same quirk as your dad. Growing up, you and your dad had to be incredibly careful not to touch water, and clean it up as quickly as possible. The poison you made wasn't toxic to either of you but it would be to your mom. Thankfully, you had never killed anyone with your quirk. Your grandma on the other hand- she was the first one to be born with the quirk, then your dad, then you. Your grandma accidentally killed her dad when her quirk first manifested. She had to figure out how to keep everyone safe from her quirk on her own.

You were older now and you lived on your own. You were single and ready for a relationship, the only problem was that you were in love. 'How is that a problem if you want to be in a relationship with them?' you ask? Well, you were in love with the pro hero, Suneater. He had saved you when your workplace burned down, and ever since then you'd followed all his cases. Not in a stalker kind of way, but simply to learn about him. As soon as you first saw his face through the smoke, you knew you wouldn't be able to forget him. You knew you should move on because, 'Hey, he's a pro hero. He's famous. He probably doesn't even remember me anymore,' but you just could not get him out of your head.

                                                         ~

Little did you know, Tamaki couldn't get you out of his head either. Why? It wasn't like he knew you well or anything. You had only talked briefly that day. Why couldn't he stop thinking about you? 'Should I try to find her somehow?' he asked himself. Even if he did manage to find you, would you think it was weird? Would you even remember him? He didn't know what to do.

                                                        ~

You were walking home from work. It was dark outside, but you didn't live far. You passed by the same shops and the same houses as every other day. The same dark alleyways. However, one thing was different today. The person who'd been patiently watching and waiting was ready to make their move. You felt a hand on your shoulder and tried to cry out in surprise only to have your mouth covered by a cloth. You tried to hold your breath, but quickly failed and sucked in. Your vision was fading. Everything was going dark.

                                                        ~

Tamaki flopped down on his bed still fully clothed in his hero costume. He'd just gotten off patrol. He rubbed his face, 'Ugh, I probably smell terrible. I should shower.' He lay there with his eyes closed for a moment. All of a sudden, his keen ears picked up what sounded like a woman's scream. His eyes flung open and he ran out the door. He reached the alley just in time to see a long, leather coat whip out of sight. He followed. It was a white-haired man carrying an unconscious, (h/c) woman. He followed close enough to keep sight of the man, but not so close that the man would be able to sense him. The man looked left and right, and Tamaki recognized him. It was Dabi from the League of Villains! 'What does the League want with that woman?' He asked himself. 'Whatever it is, it can't be good. I should let someone know where I'm going in case things go south.' He quickly texted Mirio the situation. Dabi stopped and entered a building. Tamaki pressed his ear to the door, it would be dangerous to barge in without knowing who or what was in there, so he waited, listening.

                                                         ~

You started waking up. In your groggy and disoriented state you could feel cold metal around your arms and legs.

"What's happening? Where- where am I?" you asked.

"Ah, y/n! Finally awake are we?" you couldn't see anyone and you didn't recognize the voice. Who could've brought you here?

"Who are you? How do you know my name? Where am I?" you asked franticly. Dabi stepped out of the shadows, "Don't you know me? I think my group and I have become quite well known," you gasped. You did recognize him now. He was-

"Dabi?! From the League of Villains?!" He bowed, "The very one," you didn't know what to do. You were completely in shock.

"But- what does the League of Villains want with me? I don't have money or power or anything..."

"Oh, but you do have power, y/n. We've been watching you and we think you could be very useful to us. We could use your poison in many different ways, if you'll join us, of course?" This left you more shocked. The League of Villains wanted you to join them? What?

"I would never join you. I decided a long time ago to never use my quirk. It's too dangerous," you said.

"Too bad," he sighed, "We're going to have to keep you here until you change your mind," now you really didn't know what to do. Should you say you'll join them and then escape? Should you wait for help? You chose the latter. You stared determinedly into Dabi's blue eyes.

"I won't change my mind, you know,"

"I wouldn't be so sure. You might after you get to know us better," at that moment the door was blown in. A hero! You were saved! Then you saw which hero had come. Your heart started pounding until you could feel it in your fingertips. Suneater. He looked you in the face and you saw his eyes widen. Did he remember you? He shook his head and turned toward Dabi. "Let her go," came Tamaki's quiet voice. "You really think I'm gonna let her go just because you asked?" Dabi rolled his eyes,

"Get ready to fight, hero!" Dabi's hand lit up with his fire and Tamaki's fingers turned into tentacles. They started fighting fiercely. You knew that you should or be paying attention to the fight happening in front of you, but your thoughts were on Tamaki. How did he find me? Did he follow Dabi here? Was that look because he remembers me? What kind of look was that? Oh, no! What if it was bad! What if the look was because he does remember me but doesn't like me! Why would he not like me?! We only talked for a minute! Was my first impression really that bad? Thoughts like these swirled around in your head, making you dizzy. Or maybe that was the smoke and chloroform, you weren't sure. Eventually you felt a soft hand on your cheek.

"Hey. Hey! Are you alright? Did he hurt you?" Suneater was talking to you!

"You- you're here! I- I'm okay. He didn't hurt me just knocked me out with chloroform and brought me here," you said, rather breathlessly. "Where's Dabi?"

"He ran."

"O-oh,"

"Can I h-help you out of those chains?"

"Yes, please," he cut the chains with a crab claw, you tried to stand but your legs gave out. He caught you.

"W-woah, hey, take it easy. You're shaking,"

'That's because you're so close to me!' You thought. He was so close. He was holding you in his arms. You had dreamed about this. Even if this isn't exactly how you planned, you were so happy and excited to see him again.

"We should stop meeting like this," you heard him say.

"Huh?"

"Oh, I guess you don't remember. I saved you from a burning building before. About a year ago. I've been hoping to see you again but I didn't know-"

"Wait you remember me?"

"W-well yeah. If I'm being honest, I haven't been able to get you out of my head,"

"Really? I... well I haven't been able to stop thinking about you either," you were both blushing like crazy.

"Can I take you out?" He asked.

"YES! Uh-um I mean yes, I would like that very much," you beamed at him. He beamed right back. He was feeling very good. You both couldn't wait.

                                                 ~Le time skip~

You and Tamaki have been married for a year now. You had never been happier. Everything was going great. You lived your life worrying about your husband but you were confident that he'd always come back to you. Everything was perfect. That's how it seemed anyway. Dabi was back. The League still wanted to use your quirk. Be careful.

I FINALLY FINISHED THIS I'M SO SORRY I kept forgetting about it and I finally finally finished it! I probably won't write a part 2 to this cause I'm lazy but I might. Thanks so much for the request :) (also I would've said u and Tamaki were gonna have kids but personally I want to adopt so I just didn't put it in there at all) I hope y'all like it! The end is maybe a little rushed but (as I've mentioned before) I'm too lazy to do anything about it.

[lizaloveslevihan]

if you have some angsty writing energy rn: hc where jean notices that hange hasn’t fully grieved or come to terms with erwin and moblit’ deaths, so he gets over his fear of levi to ask him with how to help hange because he’s so concerned for her

Title: Hange-san

Ao3 Link: Here

Notes: I also got some inspiration from this beautiful art I saw on Twitter.

They weren’t really close by any standards. Thinking about it, they probably just had two or three conversations the entire time Jean had known him. But his utter devotion was enough to catch anyone’s attention. If he wasn’t screaming at her to take care of herself, he did it silently by running each tiny errand and sticking with her like glue. He always walked by her side — shoulders hunched from obvious stress, hair a little unkempt, but hazel eyes as bright as ever, taking in every word she said despite the obvious dark circles underneath them. It was almost as if her personality and lifestyle were being injected into him, giving him life. 

Jean hadn’t really understood the nature of their relationship before — couldn’t comprehend the idea of someone so willing to put up with Hange-san’s eccentricities and borderline craziness, day in and day out, especially given their slightly above average wages. It hadn’t seemed romantic at first glance by any means (he would have gotten a different vibe from them if it were the case) but rather, it was fueled and strengthened by a strong sense of loyalty and attentiveness. Those in the Survey Corps had dedicated their hearts to fighting titans and ensuring freedom for humanity, and though vice-captain Moblit Berner essentially did the same, it was as if a large chunk of his heart was dedicated only to Hange-san. 

Jean paused, taking that new idea in. He stood outside the newly-appointed commander’s office, the journal he found tucked securely at his side. He had been hesitant to see her, especially after yesterday. She had asked him privately, eyes devoid of any emotion, tone full of anguish, if he could clean and clear out the former vice captain’s room. He understood her pain and had somehow expected this request — they were all grieving, having lost all those people — but he didn’t expect to feel pain over the task given to him. 

His room was neat enough when Jean entered it yesterday morning. The bed was made, the shelves free of dust, and each article of clothing folded neatly inside his small closet. The only thing out of place was his desk which had mountains of paperwork that still lay on top of it. 

He didn’t know him that well. They weren’t really close. But as Jean shuffled through and organized every piece of paper, every work of art, each sketch of an unfamiliar face, he felt his chest tightening. He vaguely remembered the vice-captain being an excellent artist, but he didn’t realize just how talented he was. 

For some reason, he wasn’t surprised to see Hange-san’s face more so than the others. He had drawn her messy hair and wild eyes so perfectly that Jean felt as if he wasn’t worthy to even touch those pieces of paper. Some of them were hastily drawn, some with exquisite detail. He also saw sketches of her with captain Levi, and his eyes widened at one particular portrait where he was drawn gripping his teacup and smiling at her tenderly. 

Damn it, Jean thought as he gingerly placed those papers back down on the desk. He would have loved to take lessons from the vice-captain if he only knew just how amazing he was. He had always been passionate about making art and drawing things he saw in his dreams back when he was younger. But of course, he had buried it in the face of reality. Seeing these sketches lit up a fire inside him. A fire that both consisted of his long-lost passion and the grief and sorrow he had tried to conceal ever since they returned from Shiganshina. He had looked around the room and let out a deep breath. No, he couldn’t allow himself to linger too much on those thoughts. He knew if he kept thinking about the warm, artistic vice-captain, he would be plunged into a deep abyss. He knew he wouldn’t be able to stop seeing every single face that they lost, especially him. Especially that warm, freckled face full of joy and compassion. That face which had looked at him with so much respect and admiration.

Shaking his head, he forced his mind to turn blank. He started to stack all those papers neatly on top of one another, finally freeing the desk of its mess. However, that was what exactly led him to find the dreaded journal whose contents would continue to haunt him for the rest of the day. 

Jean shook his head and looked up, staring at the door to her office. He had been plagued by those thoughts since that task. The commander had ordered him to drop all of his things in her office and so far Jean had made two trips without her being in there. He had a feeling, however, she was behind those doors this time around. He internally debated with himself if he should enter now or wait for her to go to town, seeing as she had a meeting with Zackley later today. However, before he could even decide, the door swung open. Jean jumped up, a little startled, and was met with captain Levi’s usual impassive expression. 

“What are you doing here, Jean?” the captain asked, raising an eyebrow. He crossed his arms and lingered at the doorway. 

“I, uh,” Jean started, scratching the back of his neck and trying to keep eye contact as much as possible, “I’m here to hand the commander some of—”

“It’s Hange,” the captain cut him off, now closing the door behind him. “I know you’re obligated to call her by that title, and that’s fine for formal occasions, but I want you to keep calling her what you and the other brats call her as much as possible, alright?”

The captain didn’t elaborate any further, which made Jean a little uneasy. He gripped the journal tighter and nodded. He already had a good feeling as to why he would ask such a thing. 

“At ease,” the captain spoke quietly, placing a hand on Jean’s shoulder. “You and the brats did well.” Jean looked down and saw… pride? relief? emotions that weren’t normally seen behind the captain's light gray eyes. He allowed himself to briefly recall what had happened on the rooftop. How the captain kept moving forward despite all the pain and loss he endured was unbeknownst to Jean. But then again, that’s what all of them have been doing ever since they joined the Survey Corps, wasn’t it? Is this how his life would always be like? Taking in loss after loss and moving forward from each friend? Forced to kill others with no hesitation? Valuing certain lives and sacrificing others? Clearing out each empty bedroom after every mission? As he was nearing that dark abyss, the captain pulled him out by saying: “Don’t blame yourself with what happened with Reiner, alright? If I only had killed him before he transformed, maybe we wouldn’t have been in this goddamn mess.” the captain recalled briefly, shaking his head and scrunching his eyebrows, “Hange’s inside. Don’t linger too much. She still has a lot of things to do.” and with that, he made his way past Jean and went off across the hallway. 

Jean couldn’t help but stare after the captain. He had already come to terms with the fact that it was him who let Reiner get away. That it had all been his fault. But here was the captain, who, the same as Hange-san, took the blame and responsibility for letting the armored and beast titan escape. He felt that it came from more than their positions as superior officers but from their genuine kindness. Their desire to look over everyone. He felt both comforted and pained because of it. 

He also couldn't help but think of what the vice-captain had said about captain Levi in his journal...

He shook his head once again. They needed time. He needed time. He already had enough things to deal with because of the damn journal. With a deep sigh, he walked towards the commander’s office and knocked thrice on the door. After he heard a small, muffled “come in,” he pushed it open and was surprised to see her not behind her desk, but standing by the window, looking out at the training grounds across them.

“I’ve brought the last of his things, Hange-san,” Jean said as he closed the door behind him. When she didn’t respond, he shuffled his feet nervously and looked around the office. Bookshelves were covering both sides of the wall, a large desk pressed at the very back, littered with numerous paperwork and books, and the two large windows on either side of which. It felt a little stuffy if he were being completely honest. He had been to Hange-san’s lab before where things were much more chaotic and disorganized, but much more full of life. This place, well, felt like it didn’t belong to her at all. 

Which was pretty much a given, considering she had just moved in. The place still embodied the late and great Erwin Smith. 

After a few seconds passed, she finally turned around and flashed him a small smile. 

It was obviously forced.

“Thank you, Jean,” she spoke, walking up to him and gently taking the journal from his outstretched hands. Her lips pressed into a thin line as she inspected the object. “I… forgot this existed.”

Jean simply nodded, not really knowing what to say. He still felt incredibly awkward. 

The commander kept looking at the old, worn-out book as she took a seat behind her desk. She still hadn’t removed the bandages that covered her damaged eye. “This was what he always carried around whenever we did the experiments on those titans. Even if we weren’t doing them, actually. I remember him telling me how his life’s work was here, should he die in the field. How I should inherit it, on the assumption that I’d live longer than him…”

Jean would have had no problem with this conversation if only he didn’t open the book and flipped through the pages himself. Yes, he would be pained, but not as pained if he didn’t read through the long letters that the vice-captain had left in that book. If he hadn’t digested every tiny sketch and word. He had no business in doing so, perhaps he could even get punished should Hange-san find out what he had done, but he couldn’t help the curiosity that sparked within him. Only if he could turn back time. He wished he’d never read those letters. It was just too much. 

“He… saved you, didn’t he Hange-san?” Jean muttered respectfully, his body incredibly stiff. She looked up at him, her face just so tired. “When Bertholdt transformed, he pushed you to safety…?”

“I knew it would come to that one day.” the commander said both wistfully and solemnly, “I’ve always been a handful. Careless. Absentminded. Reckless.” she listed off, drumming her fingers on the wooden desk, “I keep getting too close to the mouths of titans. I was more than okay with dying. Especially if it meant I had contributed one way or another to humanity’s freedom. There was this myth I had read before, you know? It was in a storybook meant for children to warn them to never leave the walls.”

At this, she stood up and started walking around the room. “It was a tale of this child who was given wings by his uncle, or was it his father? I couldn’t quite remember. They were trying to escape and leave this tower by flying away. The older man had warned him not to fly too close to the sun, but the boy, being this curious little thing, didn’t listen. Thus, his wings were burned and he fell to his death.” the commander laughed bitterly, her fingers trailing the bookshelves on the left side of the room, “He had always warned me not to fly too close to the sun, Jean. But I still did. Instead of me, it was him who suffered the consequences. It makes me wonder… what if one day, I’ll have this chance again? What if I fly, soaring through the clouds, and my recklessness or heroism or whatever the rest of you would call it, would cause me to fly too close to the sun?”

Jean wanted to leave. He didn’t like the words that were coming out of the commander’s mouth. He wanted to shut himself in his room and maybe sleep this whole thing off. He didn’t want to think about her dying, or anyone for that matter, especially after the loss they were still trying to deal with. That story upset him more than he realized, especially since it didn’t seem too far-fetched at this point, considering all the gruesome deaths he had seen. He knew it was the grief talking and the pressure from her new position, but still, it unnerved him to see someone he always knew was filled with life looking so dead inside. 

“You meant a lot to him, Hange-san,” Jean replied, trying to keep the emotion from his voice. You meant a lot to him more than anyone in this world, if he were being completely honest. “We always want to keep the people we care about safe, sometimes even if it means sacrificing our lives. He will always live on, in you — in us. You don’t have to carry this burden alone.”

Jean didn’t really know what he was saying — the words he uttered felt meaningless in the grand scheme of things — but he knew they were words that needed to be said. After reading those things, well, he felt as if he needed to give her as much assurance as possible. 

The commander gave him a tight-lipped smile, her remaining eye tearing up. She approached him, and it was only then Jean finally noticed how she had a slight limp in her step. How her shoulders were tight and slumped forward. She placed a hand on his shoulder and nodded at him. “Thank you, Jean. You don’t know how much that means to me. You’re a great kid and I hope you know that you’ve proven to be an invaluable asset to not only the Survey Corps but to humanity as well. And,” Jean met her eye and his chest tightened once again in seeing it glimmer with a sense of pride, “thank you for cleaning Moblit’s room. I could have done it myself but…”

“I understand, Hange-san,” Jean said, his voice surprisingly reassuring despite the overwhelming amount of emotions he felt. She finally said his name. “I really do.”

The commander smiled a little brighter this time — the most genuine one yet, “Thank you.” and Jean felt that statement didn’t only apply to this situation. “Once we settle everything with Zackley, I’ll let you kids take a much-needed break. You mentioned your mother lives in Trost, is that right?”

“Yes, along with the rest of my family,” Jean replied, the prospect of seeing his mother again warming him up. He still wasn’t able to visit her due to the situation at hand, but he was eager to finally do so. He had always been reluctant in the past due to his embarrassment, but now he understood how superficial those fears were. He was so lucky, luckier than most, that he still had a family to go back to at the end of the day. 

The commander nodded before squeezing his shoulder. “Make sure the rest of your squad finishes up their reports, alright? I want them on my desk tomorrow morning.” 

“Understood, Hange-san.” Jean nodded in return, offering her a small smile. 

She finally stepped away and Jean took this opportunity to carefully walk to the door. However before he could open it, the commander called him once more. 

“Don’t blame yourself over anything, alright?” she said, crossing her arms, her voice now laced with a sense of authority, “It was always my decision. It was always my responsibility. I hope you remember that.”

He felt a knife pierce at his heart from her words — the same words the captain had told him no less than twenty minutes ago. He recalled the letters he had read from the vice captain’s journal and Jean couldn’t help but smile at the thought. He wondered briefly if he should get Hange-san to leave for her meeting with Zackley first before opening up the book and reading through everything in it, something Jean was sure she was going to do once he left her alone. But how could he possibly tell her without causing suspicion? How could he possibly tell her that whatever she was about to read could potentially break her? More so than she already was?

He couldn’t, because he shouldn’t have read those things in the first place. He shouldn’t have let his curiosity get the best of him. So instead, he simply nodded and quietly muttered a “thank you” before leaving. 

He went down the other hallway to make sure he wouldn’t come across captain Levi. He needed to clear his thoughts before he could face them anytime soon. Jean wondered what his reaction would be if he read those letters as well. He let out a large sigh. Either way, it couldn’t possibly be as bad as Hange-san’s.

*******

The next couple of days had been surprisingly normal enough. They had filed reports, went into countless meetings after the other to discuss the situation regarding what they had found in Shiganshina, all the while still sending letters to each family who had lost a member in the battle. He didn’t see much of the commander other than the times they had to present themselves to Zackley, during which she acted completely fine — delivering each line with that of a smooth and authoritative manner. Other than that, she was gone — either in her office or delivering each letter of condolence personally. When he heard of that, his respect for her had grown even more immensely. She was an unbelievably kind and compassionate leader, and Jean felt even more honored to be working with her. 

The promised day-off eventually came. Hange-san could only give everyone three days, seeing as recruits were going to be entering the Corps soon which meant Jean and the rest of his friends had to work on training them. Either way, he was glad to be getting some time to spend with his family. His mother was for sure going to dote on him to no end, but surprisingly, he was looking forward to it. 

Already dressed in his civilian attire with his carry-on pack by his shoulder, Jean made his way to the commander’s office once more to inform them of his departure. He had visited Sasha earlier at the hospital and was pleased to know that she would be discharged later today and would be going to her family straight after. He offered to wait for her and drop her off himself, still wary of her injury, but Connie had offered to do it in his place. Eren, Mikasa, and Armin having no place to go opted to go around town for the day, and Floch had already left to visit his own family which basically meant Jean was the only one left in headquarters. 

He finally rounded the corner and was about to knock on the old wooden door when he heard a loud crash followed by a screaming match. He immediately stepped back, feeling his blood run cold at the sounds. Only two people could possibly be behind those doors, and he didn’t like that he was hearing any of these things right now. He was lucky that the doors were thick enough to muffle the details of their conversation or their screaming match, but he still picked up on certain sentences.

“He would know exactly what to do next!”

“You’re not supposed to be him! Don’t you understand that?!”

Should I just leave? Make a run for it? Hange-san would surely understand, Jean thought to himself, panic building up in his chest. He recalled that time in his childhood where his parents would fight over food or jobs or whatever adults had fought about. He always felt uncomfortable and disheartened, thinking his parents hated each other and would never get along again. He didn’t like seeing the ugly things that had transpired between them. However, before he could even decide, the door suddenly slammed open, but this time, instead of captain Levi, Hange-san came out, walking briskly and angrily. She didn’t even notice Jean standing there and moved past him, shoulders scrunched together, a frustrated hand running through her already messy hair. 

“Oi! Hange!” captain Levi exclaimed, suddenly appearing by the door frame, running a hand through his hair as well. The bags under his eyes were deeper, as usual, his cravat loose around his neck. His cheeks were slightly flushed, but it was obvious it was not in a good way. He was about to kick the door frame when he finally noticed Jean. 

“What the fuck are you doing here?”

His voice was a little hoarse, and a chill ran down Jean’s spine as he took all of it in. This was too personal, this was none of his business, and so why was he getting roped in again? 

“I was just about to report my departure to Hange-san—”

“Well, she’s obviously not here anymore,” the captain cut off in frustration, his eyes narrowing up at him. Jean didn’t like how he was seeing a new side to captain Levi, didn’t like seeing him so frustrated and lost. “Goddamnit what have I done…” he muttered to himself.

Jean could have just told him he was leaving. He could have just nodded and excused himself, headed straight to the stables, and made his way back to Trost. They would eventually forget about this incident as it would cool down, and all would be well. 

But Jean remembered the letters. He remembered those words. He remembered her tired, broken expression from days ago. Jean knew what it was like to be a leader — to have people look up to you and count on you. He knew how it felt to think you weren't good enough, to think you weren’t special and how people shouldn’t trust you because you lacked certain skills or that you weren’t perfect enough. He looked at the captain, stared right into those intimidating gray eyes, and felt a surge of confidence within him. 

“Captain, you know her better than anyone else,” Jean spoke, reiterating the Moblit Berner’s words, “What can I do to help her?”

The captain was slightly taken aback by Jean’s words. He raised an eyebrow and crossed his arms, studying him carefully. “Why are you—”

“Because I care about her.” Jean said firmly, “And I respect her. And I want to help.”

Captain Levi simply stared at him. Jean would be lying if he said he didn’t feel awkward. They were still soldiers, after all. Captain Levi was still his superior officer, and having heart-to-heart conversations was something they didn’t essentially do. There wasn’t any room for sharing feelings — it opened up vulnerability and that was something you couldn’t have out in the field. Especially since the battlefield they now had was much wider than before. 

Jean was prepared to get shrugged off. He was prepared to leave without getting any answers. But the captain had sighed, fixed the cravat around his neck, and spoke softly: “Come inside.”

It was now Jean’s turn to be taken aback. Nevertheless, he followed the captain inside and was even more taken aback by the sight in front of him. 

The commander’s desk and seat were turned upside down, forcibly, he presumed, with books and papers scattered around it. He stopped in the middle of the room and heard the captain sigh as he closed the door behind him. “Help me fix this shit, Jean. I can’t have this lying around here.”

Jean didn’t ask any more questions. He already knew the answers as to how this had happened. He wanted to know why, of course, to satisfy his curiosity, but at the same time, he didn’t. He dropped his satchel on the floor and proceeded to pick up the scattered papers and books, making sure not to step on them as much as possible. The captain also did the same, kneeling down and gathering everything in his arms. Once they were finished, they placed everything on the corner of the room, underneath the right window, and started to turn the desk upright once more. Jean took one side, the captain taking the other, and together they lifted and placed it back where it had originally sat. After which, Jean took the chair and pushed it back against it while the captain took the books and paper and placed everything neatly the desk. They worked in silence the entire time — the friction from their fight or whatever had happened in here a few moments ago, still lingered and Jean was afraid to pierce through it. 

“I had served under two commanders,” the captain said suddenly as he filed through each piece of paper. Jean looked up and stared at him. “Shadis was alright — you already know most of his story anyway, but he was still a good leader. He had the drive, but still lacked some of the talents. And then Erwin came along…”

Captain Levi let out a deep sigh as he started inserting some of the papers in between the pages of a book. “Erwin... was a special man. He was one of the greatest assets to humanity. I don’t think I really need to tell you any more now, do I?”

He was right. Erwin Smith had been a special man. He was one of the greatest minds Jean had ever seen. He was an incredible strategist, an inspirational and respectable figure — all that and more. He had a feeling, however, that it wasn’t really about that. Jean was sure the captain just didn’t want to talk about him in general, at the moment. And really, who could blame him? Especially after what had happened on the rooftop? 

Jean shook his head and looked down. A few tense seconds passed before the captain continued: “He never made any miscalculations. We all had a feeling Hange would be next in line and we had been right. Hange was the only one who had stood up to him, the one to push forward ridiculous and extreme ideas that could have gotten all of us killed. She thought differently and wanted to look at things from a different perspective. Hange…” at this, Jean looked up to see the captain’s expression light up, “was always the best choice. All of us knew this. All of us but her.”

He sighed and started to mindlessly look through some of the books now. “It’s not easy, being in her position. She thinks she doesn’t deserve it. But she does. I’ve been with Hange for a long time now, Jean. I know you brats are there, but we’re the only ones who just… have each other left. She was there when I had first entered the Corps and had been with me ever since. But Erwin and Moblit? They had been with her way before I was ever in the picture.”

It was the first time he had mentioned the vice captain’s name, and Jean had to stop himself from thinking too much about the letters again. One would think he’d get over it at this point, but it was much harder than he thought. 

He continued once more: “Anyway, I’ve never been good with this shit, Jean. But you brats are just real nosey, huh?” he said, and Jean couldn’t tell if he was being serious or playful — maybe both. “The truth is, you being concerned and sticking your nose up to where it doesn’t belong is already helpful. You being here, following each command, and being the leader that you are is helpful. Just by staying alive, you’re already helpful. You, well, you’re already fucking helpful if you ask me. Hange knows this, and it may not look like it, but she’s thankful for all the little shit you and the brats do.”

It had taken him a few seconds to fully understand what the captain had meant, but he eventually did. Jean didn’t know what kind of answer he was expecting, but those words flowed through his heart and made him feel good inside. He didn’t realize he was already doing enough. He was just doing the bare minimum, wasn't he? But the captain had a point. If he continued to stay by their side, to stay by Hange-san’s side and follow her wherever she had lent them, then it could help erase the doubts she had regarding her position. Just by staying alive, he was helping her feel better. Just by being there for as long as possible — just like Moblit and Erwin, like captain Levi — was enough. 

But he also had a feeling that the captain didn’t want him, or any of his friends, to worry about their situation. He couldn’t explain it, but those were just the sort of parents did for their children. And though Jean would probably never admit it, Hange-san and the captain were quickly stepping up to be parental figures to them already. 

The captain finally took out a single piece of paper from the stacks and held it up slightly. Jean saw it had been the sketch of him and Hange-san, and he couldn’t help but smile at the sight. 

“Vice-captain Moblit was really talented, wasn’t he?” Jean finally spoke up. The captain nodded in front of him and traced the outline of Hange-san’s smiling face on paper. 

Captain Levi’s lips twitched a little upright. “He really was.”

*******

Though the journey back home was a long and tedious one, Jean was grateful to have had the time to himself to ponder on his thoughts. Captain Levi ordered him, or was it a friendly suggestion? not to speak about this to Hange-san. He then parted to look for her which enabled Jean to finally leave. 

He thought a lot about the letters, about the myth Hange-san had told him days ago, about the captain’s words, and even about the late commander Erwin.

The sun was setting when he had arrived home. As he passed through the neighborhood he grew up in, he couldn't help but feel both excited and terrified. The threat of the titans was now over, right? But now they were facing an even bigger menace. Would his home be safe? Would the people they had fought so long to protect inside the walls be safe? 

“Jean-boy!”

He turned and saw her face. She stood at the front of their house which surprisingly looked the same after all this time. She was excitedly waving her hand, and once he got closer, he saw that tears were falling from her eyes. Once he stopped in front of her, he quickly dismounted his horse and enveloped him in her arms. 

“You’ve grown so big! Oh my boy!” she exclaimed, clutching the back of his shirt and pressing her face against his chest. Jean hugged her back eagerly and tried his best not to let his emotions take over. But it had been a long couple of days. His body still ached from the battle, his brain was consumed by too many thoughts, and his heart still grieved the lives of all of the people they had lost. He couldn’t believe he had taken her warmth and comfort for granted so many times. Who did he think he was, trying to shove her out of his life because he didn’t want to be embarrassed? 

“I’m home, mom,” he said, finally closing his eyes and inhaling her scent. She laughed happily before disentangling herself a little, looking up at him to study his face. Her eyes were watery, the lines around them having deepened. Her hair also started to have gray streaks and Jean felt his heart ache at the sight of her much older form. “I have your favorite already waiting for you in the kitchen. I also cleaned your room so you better change and wash up before we eat dinner, alright? I’m so glad you’re here my Jean-boy.” she said, hugging him again. 

He truly was home. 

*******

A wave of nostalgia hit him the moment he had entered his childhood room. True to her word, everything was neat and tidy. His bed was made, desk free of any clutter, and the window was left a little open to let some of the breezes go in. He exhaled, closing the door behind him and moving to lay on his bed. He was both physically and emotionally exhausted and wanted nothing more now than to close his eyes and sleep. He wondered what the others were doing at this very moment. They had been through together so much that it felt weird not to have any of them near him. It was probably the first time in a long time he was going to sleep in his bed, in his own room, without anyone else around. Letting out a deep sigh, he willed himself to stand up, grab the satchel he had brought with him, and place the contents atop his desk. 

As he rummaged through his things, he wondered if there was something he still could do for Hange-san. Though he took the captain’s words to heart, he couldn’t help but feel like doing something for her either way. Something that wasn’t too outrageous that would give her the wrong idea. Something that he himself would do, something that was uniquely his. Afterall, the captain said that just by doing what he did, he would be able to help. He eventually found his answer when he opened one of the drawers of his desk and found his old sketches and art supplies from long ago.

He immediately stopped what he was doing and gingerly took out his old artworks. The passion he felt was still there, tingling the back of his neck as he stared at the portrait of the woman he had seen in his dreams. His lips tightened as he realized that the woman he had drawn resembled Mikasa so much. He really only had eyes for her from the very beginning, huh? Shaking his head, he looked through some of his old work and realized then and there exactly what he needed to do. 

He may not be as good as the vice-captain, but it was the least he could do. Besides, maybe once he went through with this little project, he would finally be able to release all his thoughts about this matter. He was relieved to see there was still some paper and pencils left. Nodding his head, he closed the window, placed the papers back down, and proceeded to change into a cleaner and much more comfortable shirt. He’ll have time to do this later after dinner. But for now, there some much-needed time to be spent with his family. 

*******

He found himself back in front of the commander’s office once again, days later. This time, he carried with him two scrolls of paper. He stopped and listened intently, making sure no one was arguing behind the doors before knocking. 

He let himself in the moment he heard Hange-san’s voice. She was seated behind her desk, finally sporting a dark patch on her injured eye. “Ah, welcome back, Jean. Did you need anything from me?” she asked as Jean closed the door behind him. 

“I just came by to drop some things off for you, Hange-san,” he spoke lightly, feeling incredibly nervous. He scratched the back of his head as he approached her quietly. 

She looked so much better this time around. She had discarded her military coat and her bolo tie was tied securely around her neck for the world to see. Her glasses were impeccably clean and gleamed when she looked up at him, her hair nicely framing her face. She seemed much more relaxed, and it didn’t feel like when she was going through meetings and such where she acted fine. This time, she actually did look genuinely alright and at peace. 

Jean wondered how she and the captain had spent those three days. He had a feeling, once again, that they had spent it together. He could tell that the captain had something to do with the improved state she was currently in. Either way, Jean was happy to see her like this. 

“I… had seen vice-captain Moblit’s sketches,” Jean started right off at the bat, not wanting to make a bigger deal out of this than it already was. He saw more than the sketches, of course, but she didn’t need to know that. The commander didn’t look upset or surprised, which made Jean continue: “And I had been sort of an artist too, you see, but obviously not as good as him.”

He carefully handed her the two scrolls of paper, and she raised an eyebrow before taking it from his grasp. “When I returned home and saw my old work, I realized that I wanted to do something for you, Hange-san. No one put me up to this, and I hope, for my sake, you don’t tell the others.”

He added that last part, a light blush dusting his cheeks. If any of his friends found out about his old hobby, they would tease him to no end and demand to see some of his old work. 

She carefully inspected the two scrolls before putting down the second one and gingerly opening the first. She gasped, her hand flying straight to her mouth as she looked on and stared at the portrait in front of her. 

“Oh Jean…” she said, her voice cracking with emotion, “I can’t believe you did this.”

Jean had a pretty good memory of things. He remembered the vice captain’s worried, concerned face. He remembered the former commander’s authoritative expression. And of course, how could he forget captain Levi’s tiny smirk or Hange-san’s bright eyes?

It felt awkward, putting those visions on paper. He felt his heart clench at the sight of his portraits. But he powered through, and Hange-san’s expression made it all worth it. 

She traced her fingers over the etched lines. She lingered, he noticed, over commander Erwin’s and vice-captain Moblit’s face. She smiled and laughed brightly as tears now streamed from her remaining eye. Jean had drawn them all together, side by side, arms around one another. It had been a product of his imagination, but he had to admit it wasn’t as bad as he thought. 

“Why? How?” she said, her voice breaking. She placed down the paper and gently removed her glasses to wipe some of the tears from her face. 

Jean looked down and shuffled his feet, “He never really had any portraits of all of you together. I thought well, that shouldn’t be the case.”

“Do I even want to know what’s in the other one?” she said teasingly before clearing her throat and putting her glasses back on. Her smile was absolutely infectious, and Jean was happy it was seemingly etched permanently onto her face. 

“I think you do,” he said, clearing his throat as well. That particular portrait was the first one he had finished, and he loved how it had turned out. He was also grateful for the creative outlet. He had to admit, he missed indulging in these kinds of things. Who knew when the next time he’d be able to do something like this again? 

Hange-san laughed — a bright and beautiful melody that continued to light up the room. She shifted her attention to the unopened scroll, picked it up, and proceeded to unroll it. However, unlike the first one, she remained silent, her eyes widening at the sight. A few minutes had passed before she pursed her lips, her fingers shaking a little, before rolling it back up and setting it back down on her desk. She studied Jean carefully, and he could tell that perhaps she was picking up on the idea that he may have read those letters. Nevertheless, she stood up, shook her head, and quickly strolled to him and hugged him. 

“Thank you, Jean,” she said after a few seconds, and Jean allowed himself to snake his hands behind her and hug her back. He closed his eyes and a small part of him reprimanded himself for being so soft, for sticking his nose into other people’s business, for doing all of these rather embarrassing things. But life was short. He needed to express his feelings to others before it was too late. He needed to tell people he cared about them before it was too late. He felt the magnitude of her gratitude from those small, common words. From the way she had tightly clutched the back of his shirt. They pulled away — the hug being a rather brief and short thing, just as captain Levi entered the room. 

“What are you two doing?” he asked, closing the door behind him and crossing his arms. Jean turned around to see a curious and wary expression on his face. Hange-san laughed behind him, and Jean then and there witnessed how the captain softened at the sound. His shoulders relaxed, his lips parted slightly, and his eyes gleamed in wonder. 

“Nothing,” Hange-san sang as she approached him. “Are you ready to go?”

“The horses are already waiting for us,” the captain said gruffly, but Jean could tell he was pleasantly surprised by the commander’s tone and attitude. “What are you and Jean—”

“I’ll tell you later, okay?” she spoke heartily, moving to grab her civilian coat from the coat stand by the door. “We’ll be meeting with some of the press, alright Jean? We’ll be back later tonight. I believe Levi over here is planning on cooking for everyone.”

“Oi! That was supposed to be a secret!” the captain exclaimed, his eyes sneering at her. Hange-san shrugged before approaching Jean and laying a hand on his shoulder. She smiled at him once again which Jean reciprocated. She whispered another “thank you” before patting his head affectionately. “Please don’t tell the others, Hange-san,” he spoke quietly, only for her to hear. 

“I won’t.” she assured, “But you have to know that I can’t keep anything from this grump right here,” she said, her head tilting towards the captain’s direction. 

“What are you idiots talking about?” the captain eyed suspiciously, moving to approach them. 

“I know.” Jean scoffed, his eyes gleaming. Hange-san nodded before swiftly looping her arm around the captain’s and dragging him out the room. “Come on! We’re going to be late!”

Jean followed them out the door and saw their figures moving down the hallway. Captain Levi stopped her suddenly as if asking her once again what she and Jean had been doing. The commander laughed before patting his head affectionately which then made the captain gently kick her leg. He then started to inspect her coat, straightening it out before buttoning the front. Jean shook his head at the soft and sweet gesture in front of him. He looked back inside the office to where the drawings he had and quietly went back in and approached the desk. 

He carefully lifted the second scroll and opened it. He didn’t really know what kind of reaction he was expecting from Hange-san, but so far she didn’t really give away anything obvious. He was certain that she had read those letters. But it felt as if she just wanted to move on from them, and thinking about it, that would be the best course of action wasn’t it? 

He stared at the portrait. They weren’t really close by any standards. Thinking about it, they probably just had two or three conversations the entire time Jean had known him. But his utter devotion was enough to catch anyone’s attention. Jean hoped he was able to catch them and had translated it properly on paper. There were hundreds of sketches of Hange-san and everyone else, but there weren’t any of just them together. He had drawn him the way he knew him — face scrunched up in concern as he looked onto her. He had a hand placed on her shoulder, and Hange-san was laughing at whoever was in front of her. 

Slowly, with his other hand that wasn’t holding the portrait, Jean placed a fist over his heart in a salute. 

Thank you for dedicating your heart. 

 *******

Dear Buntaichou, 

I’ve decided to start writing to you like this in the event I should get a heart attack and die from your irresponsibility. I also needed to let out my frustration through a healthy matter. I really don’t understand as to why you would charge headfirst into a forest, all by yourself, and try to capture a titan. How you managed to get away with screaming at the commander and still having all your limbs attached today is a miracle. I’m glad Captain Levi and his squad were able to intervene and help stop you from getting eaten. I’m glad you’re okay. At this time, you’re currently locked in your room, devouring whatever is inside the notebook you found. Maybe you’ll finally be able to convince commander Erwin with your discoveries? Still, you could have died. No matter how much I try to stop you, you always try and go at it, huh?

That was so very stupid of you. How are you so brilliant and stupid at the same time? 

— Moblit

*******

Dear Buntaichou, 

DID YOU REALLY ALMOST FALL OFF THE WALL?! I’m so glad my grandmother forbade me to curse because I would have exclaimed a variety of colorful language at you during that entire situation. 

It was our first test run of your titan capturing method, and all would have been well if you weren’t leaning too far and, I don’t know, SLIPPED? 

It was a good thing captain Levi had incredible reflexes and had gotten to you just in time. He seems very attuned to whenever you put yourself in danger, isn’t he? I could have sworn he was just waiting for something bad to happen. I also could have sworn I was going to get a heart attack then and there. 

Why are you so reckless and stupid? Great, now I feel bad for calling you that. But hey, I need to let it out, okay? Don’t take it personally. But then again, captain Levi pretty much calls you that daily and you seem to find it endearing. 

I’m also so worried about when we start experimenting on titans. By the walls, you’re not going to make it easy for me, are you? Just please don’t die. 

—   Moblit

*******

Dear Buntaichou, 

I knew you weren’t going to make things easy for me. I have to admit, you giving names to those titans was pretty strange — but it was still rather cute. Only if you weren’t going crazy about it. 

I feel like I say that as if it’s a new thing. But then again, back in our training days, you were relatively calm. You always indulge yourself in books and go out of your way to try and learn new things. Those were nice and calm days, weren’t they? You’ve always piqued my interest from the very beginning especially since you were the only one who pronounced our instructor’s name wrong. 

Why am I bringing this up? Anyway, if this is the last letter you read it means that I was eaten by Albert or whoever that other titan was. We can’t afford to lose you, you know? That’s one of the things I’ve learned so far anyway. That some lives in the Survey Corps matter more than the others, and I would gladly get eaten by a titan if it means you’d live another day.

I don’t mean to make you feel guilty or anything of the sort. This is just how I feel. 

— Moblit

*******

Dear Buntaichou, 

How do you do it? It seems you’re the only person (besides commander Erwin, well, it’s a given) who has full control over captain Levi. You’ve managed to persuade him to capture a titan for you, and though he complained about it, he still did it anyway. 

Since you’ll never get these letters while I’m still alive, I can probably be as honest as possible. 

I think that he has feelings for you. 

Now, I hope by the time you read this, he’s made it obvious to you by then. And I know it seems like a stretch, cause well, he’s captain Levi and everything and he doesn’t seem like he’s capable of those types of emotions, but I’ve seen the way he looks at you. 

I think it started when you ran off to the forest and he followed you. I read the reports of what had happened, and it seemed he was really shaken. We also work a lot with their squad, so there’s a lot of room for things to blossom then I suppose. 

I know I sound incredibly foolish. And I’m telling you right now, I’m completely sober as I write this. But it’s just something I can tell, something that doesn’t seem too far-fetched. He cares about you a lot. 

Now I need a drink. I don’t know what’s going on with me. 

— Moblit

*******

Dear Buntaichou,

I think you have feelings for captain Levi. 

This is an even more outrageous claim than the one in my previous entry, and because I’m always glued to your side, I feel like I know more than others do. 

It’s been a while since I wrote my thoughts on here. It’s been a rough couple of days? Weeks? I forgot. So much has happened. I don’t want to delve too much into the details but essentially, we had engaged with the female titan outside the walls, then inside Stohess district, then the armored and colossal titan. I also finished investigating Ragako — Connie Springer’s village. I haven’t had enough rest these days. A lot of us haven’t. And though I feel incredibly exhausted and want to make use of these couple of days of peace before we head onto Trost, I felt like jotting some of the things I had witnessed between you and the captain.

I know this is really silly of me. But forgive me again, this is the only outlet I have. Don’t worry, I’ve already jotted down the important findings in the middle pages of this journal/sketchbook. But I’m starting to feel things myself. Feelings I didn’t know I could feel either. 

Anyway, you had visited him when he was still in the hospital, getting some treatment for his injured leg. You had dismissed me that day, saying you were going to him. 

I also had caught you lending him one of your jackets. And though he had protested, he still eagerly wore it. 

Not to mention the number of times I had caught you making tea for him. How did I know? Well, no one else touched the tin of black tea in the mess hall but Captain Levi. So it had been an easy assumption. 

There are a lot more instances, but I can’t seem to bring myself to put them on paper. I don’t know why — maybe there are just too many, maybe I just don’t want to recall them. I think maybe both. 

Either way, it seems as if you two have feelings for one another now. I’m glad. I’m also glad that you’re okay, that you’re alive, that you’re still here. Hopefully, that will continue to last long. 

—  Moblit

*******

Dear Hange-san, 

I think… that this will be my last letter. 

I know it’s been a long time since I last updated this series of letters (we haven’t exactly had a lot of free time) and as we are preparing to return to Shiganshina, I felt the need to address everything here and now. Seeing as there’s a high probability I might not make it back. 

The moment I first met you back when we were cadets in the Training Corps, you had captured my attention almost immediately. Your hair had been way shorter back then so there wasn’t any need to tie it up into a ponytail. Other than that, your eyes always remained bright, your laugh was always infectious. When you had told me back then how you wanted to see the world beyond the walls, I had thought you to be crazy. My family had always wanted me to enlist in the Garrison, especially since I had a lot of relatives there. But the moment you started talking about what life could be like, about different plants and trees, about different types of animals — the way you had smiled up at me and used your hands excessively to discuss your points  —  I knew then and there that I would follow you wherever you went. 

Going into the Survey Corps was absolutely terrifying. But being with you, helping you, and staying by your side had made it worth it. 

The amount of times you almost died, the amount of times you had put yourself in danger is just too much to count. The number of times you had made me worried  —  well, let’s just say I’m glad my heart didn’t suffer any complications. Or maybe it has and I just don’t know. 

Seriously, you’re too reckless sometimes, you know? But I can’t help but admire you still. You do it because you desire to change because you want to understand our natural enemies. You’re the only one I’ve met who thinks that way, and people have mentioned more than once that you’re really crazy, and perhaps they’re right, but you’re also the most brilliant of all of them combined. 

And because of this, you have captured my heart. 

I’m sure there are more reasons, but I can’t find it in me to talk about all of them. I don’t know why this happened, how this happened, or if I was too obvious. But knowing you, you probably wouldn’t know if someone had romantic feelings for you even if it hit you straight in the face. After all, this is exactly what’s going on between you and captain Levi. 

I know for certain now that he loves you. I had a hunch before, but I know now. I could tell by the nicknames he gave you, from how angry he was when you fell during our battle, how he went to visit you, multiple times, after that incident. How when he sees me alone in the corridor or something, he always asks about you. How in every mission we go, he always looks at you, as if he’s engraving your image into his memory should one of you not make it. How he captured a titan for you. How he knows how you take your tea and how he always goes to your side for comfort. How he basically forces you to take a bath. How he just knows you and understands your entirety as a human being. 

It all makes sense now. I suppose, if you didn’t pay attention much to it, you’d think it was something else entirely. Just a comrade looking out for another comrade. But his eyes, oh his eyes always say otherwise. He loves you and I hope by the time you read this, you’re well aware of that fact. 

And I also hope you’re well aware that you love him too. 

I could tell by how you tease him almost to no end. By how you always talk about him, either positively or negatively. How you just know when he's around as if you have a keen sense just for him. How you translate his words for others (he’s not very good at those). How even when he’s fuming angry or irritated, you seem to be the only one who can get him to calm down. How you had visited him multiples times after his injury. How you just knew all that information about him living with Kenny the Ripper as if you two had discussed the life he had led before. How you know exactly how he takes his tea. How you always make it a point to celebrate his birthday despite our lack of funds. How you just know him and trust him so well. 

You love him, Hange-san. You love him so much. Dare I say you love him as equally if not more as your titans and your research. What you two have is something so special I doubt anyone inside the walls has the same kind of bond. 

I wanted that with you. 

You both deserve happiness together. But I know that’s not possible. Especially with the world we live in. 

I just wanted you to know this before it’s too late. I want you to know that should I never come back by your side, that you always have him. That he treasures you. Perhaps… even more than I do.

Enclosed in this journal are all the findings in research we collected through the years. And so are these letters. And so are some… portraits I had done myself. I hope you like them. 

If you’re reading this, then that means you have survived and may or may not be the new commander. Hange-san, I hope you remember that you are life itself, that you are so brilliant and amazing, and that you continue to give others an inexpressible joy. You have enriched my life (despite almost killing me multiple times). I know you will do a fantastic job as commander. That’s because, well, you’re you. You’re Hange. I wish I could elaborate more but it is what it is. 

There’s so much more I want to say. So much more I want to tell you. But there isn’t any time nor can I bring myself to put any of it on paper. You also should be expecting me on the training grounds in a couple of minutes from now to continue Eren’s experiments. So I suppose, I’ll just leave you with this:

    … I love you. 

  Sincerely, Moblit Berner. 

[burninghoneyatdusk]

Hi Sam! I hope everything is well with you :)

Saw your list of WIP/ideas and I'm very excited for all these future reads. An original fic with ALL the tropes?! Perfect 👌🏻 can't wait to read it!

My question for the ask game is about the Mentalist au: who's in the role of Jane?

Bonus question: how do you stick to writing only a few fics with so many ideas in your head? I think I'd be itching to start everything as soon as I had a clear idea of the story... I'm guessing you go with the story you're most absorbed in? And also trying to complete your t1004blm prompts...

Lol oh Nina, the door you just opened for my incessant rambling. Thank you for asking! I’m doing well & hope you are as well 💛💛

Re: the trope romcom - I’m really excited to eventually dive into this although it’s nowhere close to the top of my priority list rn. It’s about a protagonist who prefers fanfic to real life and someone who challenges her views on that. To defend herself, she sets out to prove that all the tropes she loves in fics are realistic goals by experiencing them irl, which results in some hilarious outcomes. I really wanted to explore the allure of fic over reality, and the sort of safety net it allows in the face of having to be vulnerable in real relationships. Sometimes that’s good to have and protects us, and sometimes it holds us back instead.

Re: the Mentalist AU, Bellamy is going to be Jane and Clarke is going to be Lisbon. I did a rewatch this spring and was struck by how perfect they are for those roles. Bellamy as the charming one but with darker issues underneath his persona. Clarke as a no-nonsense badass who sucks at being vulnerable, but Bellamy being the one to break through that. I’m assuming you watched the show since you asked, and this fic is going to basically be an ode to Blue Bird (6x22 where they get together), with some flashbacks threaded throughout. I would have loved to make this a multi-chapter that explores them through the years, but I just don’t have the time for that 🤷🏼‍��️

How do you stick to writing only a few fics with so many ideas in your head? (While also completing @t100fic-for-blm prompts)

In summary….it is hard lmao. I’ll he honest - I completely overshot my capacity w the BLM initiative in regards to both prompts I took on and the admin work, especially since I’ve been back to work full time at my 9-5 since this time last year. I don’t have regrets because we raised so much $$$ but a lot of my own ideas have had to take a backseat and fanfic has started to feel more so like a task on my to-do list rather than a fun hobby to escape into like it used to be.

At this point I stick to only writing my published WIPs and my prompts simply because I have to. I made a commitment to write the prompts and so the prompts have to get done, whereas my other ideas don’t. I also promised myself not to post anymore unfinished WIPs because it just makes it more stressful. Moreover, I want to shift from fanfic to original fic soon and shoot my (very narrow, unlikely) shot at getting published, in part because I feel that’s the next best step for me as a writer and in part because the bellarke fandom is dying out (or in large part, already has). I think any fic writer or content creator can tell you there’s been less engagement, and I don’t say that to complain - it’s just the nature of the show ending and people are moving on to other fandoms.

I also don’t mean to say that my experience writing prompts has been all negative. I’ve really enjoyed some of the prompts and they’ve been a good exercise in pushing myself as a writer to explore beyond my comfort zone. The most recent prompt I published - fall on me (with all your light) - I was really afraid to write because it featured Clarke going blind and I didn’t want to fail in appropriately tackling that subject matter. I was nervous to post it but got a lot of positive feedback so that’s a great feeling, especially since I never would have written that on my own.

To answer your question though, the how is that I usually allow myself to at least idea dump (or outline or write down quotes) into a doc if a story won’t leave me alone. At least that way I’m putting the ideas on paper somewhere, even if I never get around to writing and publishing them. You’re also correct about going for the story I’m most absorbed in, which is how I’ve been prioritizing my BLM prompts. At this point, I just start on the next prompt that I have the most clear idea about and is sparking the most joy at the moment. I figure the overall timeline in completing them will move faster that way.

A huge key to juggling the wips, prompts, and mere ideas has been having an organized place to throw all my ideas as I have them. So if I have an idea about X prompt, I immediately write it down in the Notion page I have for that prompt so I don’t forget it. I’m always trying to think of the prompts and stories in the background of my life so that I’m not left with absolutely nothing to start with when it’s time to write, because a lot of ideas come to me unintentionally when I’m just daydreaming and what not.

ask me about my wips

[writerfae]

More thoughts on the spy AU (because self control? I don't know her)

okay so both Aiden and Talon are spies working for the same company

Callan is their boss and he's the one who paired them up together for this very important mission because he ships them they are his best people

Henry is like "you sure you want them to do the mission together? what if they fight and ruin it" but Callan's like "babe trust me"

in this AU they are all a bit older than in canon

Talon has been trained to be a spy by the company as a teen and is working for them since quite some time already

he worked really hard to get as far as he did. he's one of Callan's best men. probably the best

but then along comes Aiden

Aiden is rather new at the company, compared to Talon. only there about two/three years

he was trained elsewhere, most stuff he also learned from his mother, who was an undercover agent

he's some sort of natural talent at spying, people say

before he came to the company he's been very successful as a spy in another country, working for very important people. a job here, a job there, but without a set employer (some sort of freelancer spy? this probs doesn't exist but whatever)

but he kinda wanted to settle down because things were getting a bit sticky where he lived so he moved countries to start somewhere where no one knows him

and because he was kinda tired of being alone all the time he decided for the country his older brother lives in

he then gets a job at the company because he happens to be the brother of the boss' husband

or at least that's what Talon thinks why he got the job at first, though the truth is Callan also wanted Aiden to work for them because of his skill

so yeah when he starts working at the company Talon really doesn't like him

not only does he see a competitor in him because Aiden quickly worked his way up until he was one of the top agents, just like him, but also because he thinks it's all just coming to Aiden without him giving much effort, which annoys him

because of that he's not all too nice to Aiden and teases him so Aiden doesn't have much sympathy for Talon either

they bicker a lot and have some strange rivalry going on

over time though they sort of become friends, or at the very least friendly rivals

Talon sees that Aiden is actually really good and works just as hard as he does, if not more, and both start to respect and admire the other's skills

they still bicker a lot and fight tho

they often disagree on things because the two have completely different ways of working

but they also complement each other pretty well because of that

I like to think that Talon often outsmarts and/or intimidates people to get informations, while one of Aiden's favorite tactics is to flirt with them until they spill all their secrets

those are not the only tactics they use of course (but I don't want to think about this in too much detail rn)

at one point Talon develops a crush on Aiden (he doesn't quite know why or when or how it started) and he's really mad about it

he doesn't know how to deal with it so he sticks to the familiar: teasing Aiden and making witty comments

and all is well and good until he gets called in Callan's office about an important mission

he comes into the room and sees Aiden already sitting there and he's pretty much like 'shit what is happening'

Callan tells them about the mission and that it is of great importance and that they need to work together

of course the two protest but, how Callan tells them with a smile that is pretty much threatening, they have no choice

okay now a bit about the mission

the two are supposed to find out more about possible plans of a group called "the Knights" that are, quote: "suspected of pursuing criminal activities"

they're some sort of cartel/mafia I guess? doesn't matter, let's just say they are indeed very much pursuing criminal activities

many of the Knights are members of high society and they are led by Morena who's like very rich and pretty much a bad b*tch

does she want to overthrow the government or just chill in her country club, gossiping and eating some caviar? no one knows

anyway Morena, being a high society lady, likes to host events, one of them being the masquerade ball Talon and Aiden are supposed to attend because she's definitely planning something

so for the two that means getting fancy suits and then go party investigate

just imagine: classy three piece suit Talon and smart suit no tie Aiden both having a gay panic seeing the other in his outfit

Talon probably almost spilled his drink when he saw Aiden

also I imagine he got pretty jealous when he saw how other people reacted to Aiden and how he interacted with them

he sees some woman flirting with him and snatches him away to dance to "discuss their observations"

so yeah like I stated before, I just want them to dance and sip wine or something while collecting information together and try not to get distracted by the other looking stunning

poor Talon out here pining the whole time while being in strong denial and then they are eavesdropping on someone and almost get caught so Aiden kisses him and they "fake" make out to cover up and poor boy completely loses it

Aiden did it because he panicked but also cause it was a great opportunity to kiss Talon without having to live with the consequences so yeah

let's say the make out wasn't as faked as they claimed

anyway they actually find out that some deal or something is supposed to happen on the ball that night and they decide to try to stop it

cause I want my action "guys in suits and ladies in dresses wielding weapons" scene, let me have that

no I have not thought of what exactly is happening, I stopped planning at "good looking people in fancy clothes fighting" and I think that is pretty valid of me

I guess they get the person Morena was making a deal with but Morena herself escaped or idk

anyways I think Talon and Aiden go out for a drink after that and boy if Talon wasn't crushing on Aiden before he sure as hell is now and let's be honest who can blame him

🂡

general tag list: @deadlycupid @writing-is-a-martial-art @writingamongther0ses @blueinkblot @wildswrites @abiandwriting @theroyalcoven @7devills @myhusbandsasemni @authortango @sleepy-night-child @charleeyy @formulatingfiction @shiishki @shattered-starrs

(I got too invested and now you all have to suffer the consequences I'm sorry for yet another au)

[kuromichad]

different subject that’s heavy on my mind rn but since i’m already being harsh let’s get into it. i wish it wasn’t automatically presumed to be some kind of truscum attitude when someone tries to express that different parts of The Trans Community have like, different needs and different risk levels and different experiences and that we have the ability to talk over each other, harm each other, etc... like when i put it that way people generally are like ‘of course that’s true!’ but is it ever really understood in practice? a number of people (not a large enough number, but still) are able to loosely understand ‘you can be trans and transphobic’ when it’s applied to the matter of transmisogyny but when a trans person tries to express distrust of or frustration with afab nb people due to how common it is that that category of person will, despite being trans/nb, espouse bioessentialist, anti-medical-transition, radfem-adjacent if not outright cryptoterf rhetoric, suddenly ‘trans people can be transphobic’ gets applied to... the person with a complaint about transphobia. 

because he’s clearly an evil truscum man! regardless of if the person making the complaint is a trans man or trans woman, oops, lol. he’s a bad person who is attacking and invalidating and totally hatecriming the heckin’ valid, equally at-risk transgender identity of “an afab woman who isn’t a woman except when she pointedly categorizes themself as a woman because being afab makes them a woman who is ‘politically aligned’ with women but she’s not an icky unwoke cis woman because they don’t like being forced into womanhood although Really When You Think About It 🤔 all women are dysphoric because obviously the pathologized medical diagnosis of gender dysphoria in transgender people is something that equally applies to cis women just default existing under patriarchy 🤔, and no, equating these things totally does not imply anything reductive about or add a bizarre moral dimension to the idea of being transgender, whaaaaat, this woman who isn’t a woman doesn’t think there’s anything immoral or cowardly or misogynist or delusional about being transgender, they would never say that because THEY’RE transgender, except when she feels it’s important (constantly) to make clear that she’s Still A Woman Deep Down Inherently Despite Not Identifying As One, and none of this ever has any effect on how they treat the concept, socially and politically, of people who actually wholly identify with (and possibly medically transition to) a gender different from the one they were assigned at birth, be it ‘the opposite gender’ or abstaining from binary gender altogether or ‘politically aligning’ with the ‘opposite’ gender from their asab. never ever!”

and like maybe that sounds like a completely absurd and hateful strawman to you! but in that case you’re either like, lucky, or optimistic, or ignorant. i’m literally not looking at random nb people and declaring that in My Truscum Opinion they’re ‘really a woman’ just because they’re not medically transitioning or meeting some arbitrary standard of mine. i am looking at self-identified afab nb people, who most often use she/they because, y’know, words mean things, especially pronouns, so people who are willingly ‘aligned with womanhood’ typically intentionally use she/her (sorry that i guess that’s another truscum take now!!! that pronouns mean things!!! the bigender transmasc who deliberately uses exclusively he/him wants it to invoke a perception he’s comfortable with!), who actively say the things listed above (in a non-sarcastic manner). 

like, the line between a person who says “i don’t claim to really not be my asab because i know no one would ever perceive me as anything else” because theyve internalized a defeatist attitude due to societal transphobia, and a person who says that because they... genuinely believe it’s impossible/ridiculous/an imposition to truly be transgender (in the traditional trans sense, beyond a vague nb disidentification with gender) and are actively contributing to the former person’s self loathing... is hard to define from a distance! i think plenty of people who are, in a sense, ‘tentative’ or like ‘playing close to home’ so to speak in their identity are ‘genuinely trans’ (whatever that may mean) and just going through a process. they might arrive at a different identity or might just eventually stop saying/believing defeatist stuff, who knows. but there are enough people saying it for the latter reason, or at least not caring if they sound that way, that it’s like, dangerous. it is actively incredibly harmful to other trans people. and it’s fucking ridiculous that it’s so difficult to criticize because you’ll always get the defense of “umm but i’m literally trans” and/or “well i’m just talking about ME, this doesn’t apply to other trans people” when it’s an attitude that very clearly seeps into their politics and the way they discuss gender.

because it’s just incredibly common for afab nb people (most typically those that go by she/they! since i’m aware that uh, i am also afab nb, but we clearly are extremely different, so that’s the best categorization i’ve got) to discuss gender in moralized terms, with the excuse of patriarchy/misogyny existing, which of course adds another difficult dimension to trying to criticize this because it gets the response of “don’t act like misandry is real” (it’s not, but being a dick still is) and “boohoo, let women complain about their oppressors” (this goes beyond ‘complaining’). a deliberate revocation of empathy/sympathy/compassion from men and projection of inherently malicious/brutish/cruel intent onto men (not solely in the justified generalizations ‘men suck/are dangerous’, but in specific interactions too) underpin a whole fucking lot of popular posts/discussions online, whether they’re political or casual/social, and it absolutely influences how people conceptualize and feel about transness. 

because ‘maleness is evil’ is still shitty politics even when you’ve slightly reframed it from the terf ‘trans women are evil because they’re Really Men and can never escape being horrific soulless brutes just as women can never escape being fragile morally superior flowers’ to the tumblr shethey “trans women who are out to me/unclockable are tolerable i guess because they’re women and women are good; anyone i personally presume to be a cis man, though, is still automatically evil, and saying trans men are Just As Bad is progressive of me, and it’s totally unrelated and apolitical that i think we should expand the concept of afab lesbianism so broadly that you can now be basically indistinguishable from trans men on literally every single level except for a declaration of ‘but i would never claim to be a man because i’m secure in the Innate Womanhood of the body i was born into, even as i medically alter that body because it causes me great gendered discomfort.’ none of this at all indicates that i feel there’s an immense moral/political gap between being an afab nb lesbian vs a straight trans man! it says nothing at all about my concept of ‘maleness’ and there’s no way this rhetoric bleeds into my perception of trans women and no way loudly talking about all this could keep trans people around me self-loathing and closeted, because i’m Literally Trans and Not A Terf!”

again, if that sounds like a hateful strawman, sorry but it’s not. i guess i’m supposed to be like ‘all of the many people ive seen saying these shitty things is an evil outlier who Doesn’t Count, and it’s not fair to the broad identity of afab shethey to not believe that every person who doesn’t outright say terfy enough things is a perfectly earnest valid accepting trans person who’s beyond criticism’ but like. this cannot be about broad validation. this can’t be about discarding all the bad apples as not really part of the group. we can’t be walking on eggshells to coddle what are essentially, in the end, Cis Feelings, because in the best cases this kind of rhetoric comes from naive people who are early and uncertain in their gender journey or whatever and are in the process of unraveling internalized transphobia, and in the easily observable worst cases these people are very literally redefining shit so that ‘actually all afab women are trans, spiritually, all afabs have dysphoria, we are all Equally oppressed by Males uh i mean cis men <3’ because, let’s be honest, they know that the moment they call themselves trans they get to say whatever they want about gender no matter how harmful it is to the rest of us. and those ideas spread like wildfire through the afab shethey “woman that’s not a woman” community that frankly greatly outnumbers other types of trans people online, because many of those people just do not have the experiences that lead you to really understand this shit and have to push back against concepts of gender that actively harm you as a trans person.

like that’s all i want to be able to say, is Things Are Different For Different Groups. and a willful ignorance of these differences leads to bad rhetoric controlling the overall discourse which gets people hurt. and even when concepts arise from it that seem positive and helpful and inclusive, in practice or in origin those ideas can still be upholding shit that gets other people hurt. like, i don’t doubt that many people are very straightforwardly happy and comfortable with an identity like ‘afab nb lesbian on testosterone’ and it would be ridiculous and hypocritical for me, ‘afab nb who wants to pass as a guy so he can comfortably wear skirts again,’ to act like that’s something that can’t or shouldn’t exist. it’s not about the identity itself, it’s about the politics that are popular within its community, and how the use of identities as moral labels with like, fucking pokemon type interactions for oppression effectiveness which directly informs the moral correctness of your every opinion and your very existence, is a shitty practice that gets people hurt and leads us to revoke empathy from each other.

like. sorry this is all over the place and long and probably still sounds evil because i haven’t thought through and disclaimered every single statement. but i’m like exhausted from living with this self-conscious guilt that maybe i’ve turned into a horrible evil truscum misogynist etc etc due to feeling upset by this seemingly inescapable approach to gender in lgbt/online circles that like, actively harms me, because when i vent with my friends all the stuff i’ve tried to explain here gets condensed down to referencing ‘she/theys’ as a category and that feels mean and generalizing and i genuinely dislike generalizations but the dread i feel about that category gets proven right way too often. it’s just like. this is not truscum this is not misgendering this is not misogyny. this is not about me decreeing that all transmascs have to be manly enough or dysphoric enough and all nbs have to be neatly agender and androgynous or something, i’m especially not saying that nb gender isn’t real lmao or even that it’s automatically wrong to partially identify with your asab; this is not me saying you can only medically transition for specific traditional reasons or that you don’t get a say on anything if you aren’t medically transitioning for whatever reason, now or ever. i just. want to be allowed to be frank about how... when there’s different experiences in a community we should like. acknowledge those differences and be willing to say that sometimes people don’t know what they’re talking about or that what they’re saying is harmful. without the primary concern being whether people will feel invalidated by being told so. because these are like, real issues, that are more important than politely including everyone, because that method is just getting vulnerable people drowned out constantly.

[purple-nana]

Barriers

Part 8 - Fluff, Crack

2.7k words   ( Part of the Dorm of us Series)

Warnings: Language

You stared at Jaemin in awe.

“Oh by the way, where’s the other boys?” He asked in confusion, “I bet they would crackle up if I had told them about this ehehehehe” He continues to chuckle in a rather, weird one though.

“Wait—I thought you guys went out?” You raised an eyebrow at him.

Jaemin looks around then right back at you. “Well, you can clearly see that I’m right in front of you. In flesh y/n.” He explains as he shrugs his shoulders.

Your forehead furrows even further. “Sooo, what the hell have you been doing that you absolutely had no idea where the boys were when you went home earlier than me?” You ranted in confusion at him.

Jaemin giggles. “Calm down y/n, I fell asleep okay? Ya know it’s hard to look for someone when that person is really trying hard to not be seen.” He smirks, causing you to shut your mouth.

“Besides, it’s really not a big deal that they left us here. Unless,” His turn to raise his eyebrow at you now, “you’re still guilty of something.” He says, crossing his arms.

It wasn’t really a big deal for you anymore—okay fine, it was still a big deal for you that you came in contact with him and not only that, you were alone with him in that space.

That could only mean one thing, more interaction!

Your mind panicked. You need to get out, you need to escape from the possible outcomes that were unfolding in your head. Grabbing your bag, you immediately made your way to the door.

It doesn’t matter where the heck are you going to end up for the night, the club at a fraternity house? Or should you just crash into a friend’s place?

Jaemin grabs your wrist, stopping you as well as your thoughts.

“Stay Y/n please just stay.”

His soothing voice shook your whole being. You really wanted to go out and escape yet another chance for you to talk to him but now—it seems like there’s nothing you can do.

You let out a sigh and turned to Jaemin, who was ready to let go of your hand and hear your words of farewell, however.

You beamed a smile at him. “What should we do to kill time then?”

His lips immediately formed into a wide grin and that was enough for you to convince yourself that you’ve made the right choice. You’re going to accept this one for now, but you’re going to make sure that the boys will get the best beating of their lives yet. They must be having the time of their lives right now.

That made you curious though. Where are they?

Unwary to you and Jaemin’s knowledge cause the both of you were somehow convinced that the boys were having the time of their lives, clubbing, partying, or what the hecky heck they were supposed to do.

Cause your assumptions might have been wrong or let’s just say—it was completely wrong. Turns out, they were having the worst time of their lives.

They’ve made the river park their own personalized debate arena.

“Who’s idea was it in the first place huh?!” Renjun snarls at Haechan, “I was supposed to be studying right now you maniac!”

“Hey! I thought you wanted to see the two idiots together cause they were giving your non-existent ass a damn hard time?!”

Renjun gasps in disbelief and proceeded to look at his ‘non-existent ass’. “How dare you say that I don’t have a butt when yours is as flat as a pancake!”

So yeah, basically the two were doing their thing as usual except the only difference were—they are in public. Making it 1000000x more embarrassing.

Jeno on the other hand, has his lips puckered while sitting on the edge of the sidewalk, mindlessly playing his game on his phone. He was trying his best to ignore his companions as well as pretending to not know any of them, cause they were hella embarrassing

Thoughts such as ‘I regret my life rn’ ‘I wish I should’ve just stayed back home’ ‘I don’t know those guys’

Yeah, each one of them were regretting their life decisions, especially Jeno.

He doesn’t even know how is he going to go home peacefully at this point. He was a hundred percent sure about the events that were about to go down when they go back home.

 And it wasn’t going to be good.

So for the mean time, he’s just gonna enjoy the fresh air and play his games while pretending that the two boys who were just exactly 5 meters away from him were non-existent and silently hope for the best.

“Why was I friends with these psychopaths.” Jeno mutters to himself quietly. Which wasn’t really that quiet since someone might have picked up his words.

Renjun turns around to Jeno with angry eyes. “Ya! Lee Jeno! Who were you calling a psychopath huh? It better be this bitch here or else!” Renjun said that annoyed Haechan.

Haechan’s eyes widened.“You bastard! I’m going to fucking kill you!” 

“Not if I kill you first!”

Jeno just smiled to himself while shaking his head. “Kids.”

You thought the idea of staying with Jaemin would be fun. 

The both you could play games, watch movies, or even talk about you know—stuff. Maybe you made up your decision a little bit too fast? No, it would be fun. You haven’t really spent time with him since you avoided him.

Maybe this time, you could make up for the lost time. It wouldn’t be awkward right?

If you were sure that the both of you can spend leisure time together without being awkward then—you were completely wrong.

You stared into blank space as the terribly awkward atmosphere messes with your brain. Who would’ve thought that a happy question could lead to this situation right now?

Well, who were you kidding? Of course it would be awkward, why didn’t you thought of this sooner? You should’ve just went out.

You’re really going to kill the boys once they step foot inside of the building.

If it weren’t for those morons then you wouldn’t be sitting here staring into thin air for the past hour with Na Jaemin. Yes, you’ve been sitting for the last hour and now your butt is starting to hurt like hell. 

You’re also hungry af, you haven’t eaten anything except for those countless glasses of strawberry milk that you had at the cafe when you ran away earlier.

You just wish that your stomach wouldn’t betray you and make noises without—

“Ahm Y/n? Was that your stomach?” Jaemin asks after he heard a loud growl.

—asking for your permission. great.

“Ah hehehehe,” you giggle nervously, “yeah that was me. I haven’t eaten anything after school ended.” You smiled awkwardly, scratching the back of your head in bashfulness.

Jaemin chuckled loudly leaving you confused. “You should’ve told me then haha, come on I’ll cook us something.” He says while standing up.

“Oh really? You really don’t have to, I’m fine.” 

“Your stomach says otherwise Y/n.” He smirks at you which made you responded with a blank face. “Come on now~.” He convinces you while pulling your arm. You always wonder why he pulls your arm when he tries to convince you at something.

Well, it does work though.

You sat at the table while you for Jaemin to finish up cooking. Yeah you weren’t helping, you really wanted to cause it would be burdensome for him if he did all the work by himself.

But he insisted, saying that he was ‘the chef of the household’ and it was his responsibility to do the cooking. If you were being honest, that was a very ridiculous reason but nonetheless you accepted it.

You were too tired to create an argument and who wouldn’t want to just sit and do nothing right?

He worked in the kitchen for probably about 20 minutes, Jaemin decided to cook something easy and quick as you were probably tired and need to head to bed any time now.

How can he say so? It was evident that sleep was already at your doorstep when you kept on staring onto space for the past few hours now.

You snap out of your reverie when Jaemin placed a bowl of fried rice and fried eggs in front of you. The aroma of the food slowly made it’s way to your nostrils making your mouth water by it’s scent.

After you thank Jaemin you immediately begin to devour your bowl. After sometime, you tried taking another spoonful of the fried rice but instead you were met by a sad clinking sound of the bowl. 

“Uh? It’s gone already?” You ask your self as you took the bowl closer to your face to take a better look. Empty.

Jaemin snickers at you making you look at him in confusion which then he immediately stops. You gave him ‘the look’.

“What?”

“Why were you laughing at me~?” you ask in a annoyed tone.

“Why?” He chuckles looking at you from top to bottom then averting his gaze. “You were cute.”

Heat rose to your cheeks as you look away from him, avoiding his eyes in attempt to hide your flushed face. You stood up flustered and made your way to the sink to put away your dishes. 

Jaemin was confused when he saw you walking towards your bedroom. “Hey! Where are you going?” 

“I’m going to bed.” You responded quickly.

You were about to open the door to your bedroom when Jaemin grabbed your wrist. How many times have he stopped you today by grabbing your wrist?

“Can you stay for a little while longer? I want to talk to you about something.”

You turned to look at him. “There’s nothing for us to talk about Jaemin, and if this is about the other week then please, let’s just forget about that.” You pulled your wrist from him and continued to open your door.

“How can I forget about that when I haven’t even said what I wanted to tell you.” His words made you stop.

You look at him in the eye. “Jaemin please—” your words got cut off by him.

“Tell me, why did I decide to leave home so that I could be here?” 

“Because—” 

“Tell me y/n, why did I still made efforts knowing that you’d still run to Jeno in the end?”

“J-jaemin...”

He ran his fingertips through his brown strands. “Why do I feel jealous whenever a guy touches you even if we were just friends?” 

You were confused by his words, you never knew Jaemin felt that way about you.

Does this mean you were special to him?

That he treasures you? Or is it—

He grabbed your arm and embraced you tightly that caught you by surprise. “I love you y/n, I love you so much to the point that I had to pretend because I was afraid to lose you.” His words were genuine.

You were shocked and happy and dazed at the same time, you were already tired and then these new information started shaking your mind. You never knew but, what about Miri?

“I-i thought you still love her?” you asked softly.

“I didn’t y/n, I never did. I tried to forget about my feelings for you but I—can’t. I can’t bear to think that I would lose you y/n.”

“Why would you lose me?” 

“I was scared that if I told you the truth you’d be gone, forever. I was scared that I might ruin our friendship. So what you told me last week, it made me feel—ecstatic. From that moment on, I realized that I should stop pretending and do something. My feelings only get stronger and stronger each day.” Jaemin admits as tears fall from his eyes. 

You smiled and returned the hug. “You know? I was scared too Jaemin. But now, I’d be gladly to say that—I love you too.” you say as your heart beats uncontrollably in your chest.

You cannot see it but you were sure that Jaemin smiled widely as he embraced you closer to his. Everything was—perfect.

The both of you stayed in that position for quite a while, your chin was resting on Jaemin’s shoulder as he slowly caresses your back. Only stopping when he heard your soft snores.

He smiled to himself, you must have been really tired for you to pass out while standing. Jaemin slowly picked you up and opened your bedroom door. Which caused your eyes to snap open while muttering a soft ‘please don’t leave me’.

Jaemin then decided to take you to the couch. He sat on one end while you peacefully sleep on his lap.

He still couldn’t believe it. Who would’ve thought that the both of you will be in this position. With you in his arms as he slowly guides you to sleep.

Not as friends, but finally as lovers.

Haechan and Renjun quietly tiptoe their way to the dorm while silently wishing that you and Jaemin were already fast asleep cause if not, they’re going to get their butts whooped tonight.

On the other hand, Jeno was casually walking not giving a damn even if his shoes were producing clinking sounds across the tiled floor.

“YA! Lee Jeno! Would kindly make your foot shut up?” Renjun whisper-yells at him.

Jeno’s eyebrows furrowed. “Ahm no? Why would I? It’s not like my foot has a mouth so that I’d be able to make it shut up.” Jeno sarcastically replies to Renjun.

“Will the both of you shut up? I am about to open the fucking door and if y/n sees us then we’ll be fucking dead,” His eyes widened while running his finger across his neck to indicate that ‘they will be dead’.

That made the two shut up while Haechan cautiously open the door, praying that it wouldn’t make any sound to betray them. But much to their dismay, the opening of the door made a ‘creaking’ sound that would certainly wake anyone who wasn’t a heavy sleeper.

This caused the three of them to scrunch their faces in disappointment.

In addition to that, they were welcomed by a wide-eyed Jaemin who was noticeably waiting for them and that scared the living shit of their souls.

“WAH!” Haechan freaks out.

“WHAT WHAT WHAT!” Renjun follows.

“Took you two long enough.” Jeno said as he was the first person to notice your sleeping figure on Jaemin’s lap.

Jaemin just gave them a fake smile while hushing them to prevent you from waking up.

“Oh boi, I guess our plan worked!” Renjun glee cheerfully, giving Haechan a high five.

“So, you were the guys who planned this shit ei? Guess who’s gonna get a nice, lovely beating tomorrow.” Jaemin clicks his tongue while shaking his head.

“Ahehehehehe we’re sorry.” Haechan apologizes.

“We only planned this out cause I was fucking tired of seeing you both being in-denial. It was stressing me out.” Renjun complains, folding his arms together.

Jaemin just rolled his eyes and turned his gaze to Jeno, waiting for his explanation for his side of the story.

He immediately shakes his head. “Nuh uh, I wasn’t apart of this. These guys blackmailed me saying that they will destroy my computer if I didn’t tag along.” Jeno briefly explains.

Jaemin just rolled his eyes for the nth time. “Did you guys had fun? What did you do?” He asks.

Renjun and Haechan awkwardly laughs.

“Of c-course we had fun. We ate out tonight and—” Haechan reasons out.

“We ate pizza”

“We ate burgers.”

 Renjun and Haechan both said at the same time. Haechan gave Renjun the ‘stink eye’ telling him to shut up.

“Ah yes we ate burgers and pizza we also went bowling. Yeah we had fun hehehe.” Haechan awkwardly laughs.

Jaemin pursed his lips as he knew they were lying.

“Well, I didn’t know we went bowling and ate burgers? All I knew was there was apparently two boys bickering at the park as if it was their debating arena.” Jeno innocently says.

“Oh. okay. gotta blast.” Renjun says as he and Haechan ran for their rooms and immediately lock their doors.

Jaemin and Jeno laughed at the behaviors of the two.

Jeno turned to your sleeping figure and gave Jaemin a warm smile. “Take care of her huh? She’s been through so much.”

Jaemin returned the smile to Jeno. “I’d definitely will,” Jaemin looks at you and gave your fore head a gentle kiss.

“She means the world to me.”

Previous   Masterlist

Next

A/N: Again I’m sorry for the latee update, i’ll have more time now that school has been moved again. Wiee ty!

[act-addict-actors-matchups]

@otomeramblings said,

I'm a girl, 23 years old, around 162 cm, with medium length dark brown hair (almost black) and brown eyes. I'm one of those people who are often asked "are you okay? Are you mad?" and no, more often than not that's just how my resting face looks lol

I'm a Scorpio and an INFP. According to my friends, I'm usually very sweet but no one likes to be around me when I get seriously angry ^^; I guess it's because i'm generally very soft spoken and I try to avoid conflict as much as I can, and when I'm upset is one of the times when I actually raise my voice. I have people tell me that I'm smart, but I just consider myself to be an overall average person. It usually takes me a while to fully trust someone but once they've earned my trust, I cherish their friendship for life.

I can fluently speak English and Spanish, and I recently got my English Translation degree. I love to read (both novels and manga) and to discover new music, I also really like dancing (I did ten years of ballet) and I recently rediscovered my love for drawing and writing.

Qualities I would like in a s/o:

-passionate, about anything, really. I'm usually very reserved unless I have something I really want to talk about and I appreciate when others listen, and for that reason I love to listen to people talk about things they're passionate about

-mature, not in relation to his hobbies bit more so in the sense that he can have a serious conversation when needed and take responsibility for his actions.

-patient. Being introverted and kinda awkward, I usually need time to recharge after being social and even while spending time together there will probably be silences when I think of what to say or even times when I'd just rather we spent it doing our own thing while being together.

Qualities I don't like:

-shouting. I hate it when people shout at me when they're mad because it makes me tear up immediately, I would much rather you tell why you're mad in a calm tone so we can work things out.

✧ The way I scREAMED when I saw your url 🤭 I love your writing so much skdhksdhksjd thank you for requesting a matchup. 😳💞 Stay safe! I hope all goes well for you!

I’d match you with: . . .

➜ HOW YOU TWO FIRST MET ; The blue sky was dotted with fluffy white clouds that drifted lazily in the gentle breeze while you were on your way to buy new drawing pencils. Your current ones were not exactly in the best condition after being used too many times. A sigh escaped from you as you fastened your pace. In all honesty, you would rather stay at home and maybe watch one of your shows but you knew if you didn’t go out to buy those now, you never would. As one particular building came to your sight, you suddenly stopped in your tracks. It was a flower shop. The vibrant display of flowers covered the table outside. Bold purple, soft pink and light lavender flowers sat right in front of you as well as some others you didn’t know the names of. The sweet smell of blossomed flowers filled your nose as you inhaled and exhaled. They were so beautiful that you couldn’t help but to reach at a lavender, the purple petals felt like soft velvet against your skin. The chime of the door opening ringed into your ears, drawing your attention away from the flowers in front of you. A man with a blue striped T-shirt, a pair of black pants and black leather shoes came out of the building with a bag you thought had flower seeds in it. A brown trench coat with a blue inner lining slung over his shoulder, beautiful, dark blue hair rustling as he gave his thanks to the employee before closing the door. The man turned around and you swear you stop breathing for a moment, because oh my god how dare someone this handsome come in to your field of view without a warning. After realizing that you’ve been staring at a stranger for a good seconds, you hesitantly looked away. But just your luck, while you decided that it was the time to carry on with your mission, you dropped your purse to the ground. You groaned before bending over to pick it up but to your surprise, you see another hand reaching over it? And most importantly, you saw that it was that handsome stranger when you looked up??? He gave you a kind but awkward smile as he hold out your bag to you. You muttered a “thank you” before grabbing it. After that cliche moment, there was an awkward silence between you and the man, but he decided to speak up to start a conversation by asking if you liked flowers. The conversation smoothly flowed from there. He just had that aura of gentleness radiating that you couldn’t help but warm up to the stranger, who you later learned the name of, quickly. He even offered to accompany you to the shop you were going, which you agreed if he didn’t mind. Your relationship steadily developed from there. To be honest, it wouldn't be obvious at all that Tsumugi has a crush on you. He's friendly and sweet to everyone he meets most of the time so nobody thinks twice whenever he's with you, except maybe Tasuku. His underlying feelings for you would show in the little things he does, the way his eyes shine whenever you laugh, how his ears perk up whenever he hears your name, how he somehow memorized all your favorite foods after you offhandedly mentioned it once before. For someone who majored in psychology, it’s kind of hilarious how dense he is regarding his own feelings. He would mistake those feelings of his as a weirdly strong platonic attraction for you and continue spending time with you in hopes to appease the feeling but be confused as to why he always felt unsatisfied. He finally realizes how smitten he is for you after a long internal monologue he had after he almost had a heart attack when you hugged him once for whatever reason.

➜ PERSONALITY COMPATIBILITY ; Tsumugi is the walking epitome of every single thing you’re looking in a S/O. You want someone passionate about something? This man literally couldn’t give up on his dream and love for the performance art. He’d be more than willing to talk about how acting involved a broad range of skills, including a well-developed imagination, emotional facility, physical expressivity, vocal projection, clarity of speech, the ability to interpret drama etc. He’d try bunch of different gestures in front of you and ask you which one you liked the best. He also absolutely loves it when you are the one who does the talking. His strength is CANONLY listening to others after all. He just gives off this aura that compels you to think that you can talk about anything and everything with him. Just like you, Tsumugi has a great need for harmony and dislikes any conflict so if there were to be any fights, they would be resolved in a day or two with the two of you talking it out. He majored in Psychology in university, and is very good at reading people so if you’re both in a social gathering and he senses you need to take a break, he will hold your hand and walk you somewhere with less crowd and noise. When you want to be alone, he’d give you the space you need and if you want to spend time he would be there. He is a pretty clueless baby at the start and would try to ask people for help on dating advice. He will however remember every single memory you two will and have made. You’ll never see him forgetting any milestones in your guys’ relationship. His way of saying “I love you” is through the flowers he picks and grows. As someone who can be shy to vocally express his love for you, he handpicks each flower based on their meanings with the hope that they could accurately convey the emotions he holds for you. The very sight of your smile as you watch each tiny plant grow kindles a budding warmth inside him, as if he’s a bee intoxicated by the nectar of your happiness. And to him, the vision of you happy is prettier than any flower in his garden, pushing him to always keep you bright and blooming.

➜ SHARED ACTIVITIES ; Tsumugi canonly moon/stargazes with Misumi so why wouldn’t he do the same with his S/O? It’s a cool, romantic and surprisingly unique activity to do together. There aren’t many activities one can plan for a date that are sweeter or more intimate than a night spent together under a beautiful, sparkling sky. You would ask each other questions about one another, without being afraid of letting the conversation slow down. This is a date to relax and linger over. If not that, I can totally see him taking you to a botanical garden. These places are beautiful and not too busy in general. Bonus points if you bring a camera and get some nice photos together as a couple. i’m so soft rn 🥺 But I feel like your most common date would be either tending the garden in the mankai dorm or just doing your own little things while being together. You might be writing on the table while he’s going over his script for the winter troupe’s newest play one more time or he might be grading his student’s test, since he’s a tutor and all, while you’re drawing. I see Tsumugi as someone who reads a lot so maybe both of you can read the same book together and discuss it afterwards. These types of dates are great for discovering how the other person views the world. One might learn that their significant other is passionate about a social justice cause, their favorite author, or their philosophy of beauty. These dates are great for sparking good conversations and they are introvert friendly. Or something even better: reading aloud. Reading out loud to each other can be incredibly sweet. And, as spiritual counselor Davida Rappaport says, "just the fact that you are both close and sharing space is ... a nice way to spend an evening."

➜ ZODIAC COMPATIBILITY ; Tsumugi is a Capricorn, his birthday being December 28th. When Scorpio and Capricorn make a love match, they get an opportunity to not only enjoy a loving relationship and learn the value of being a pair, but also to grow and mature as individuals. These two may be wary about sharing themselves with one another at first, and this emotional caution may dampen the initial impact of this relationship. These two tend to be a bit cautious (Capricorn) and pensive (Scorpio), and it takes a while for them to feel comfortable with a significant other. Though they may be shy of getting involved and not the quickest to trust and share, these two Signs will discover that they can have quite a profound connection — one of friendship and deep loyalty. What’s the best thing about the Scorpio-Capricorn love match? Their determination toward shared ideas and their strong devotion to one another. They can open doors to one another’s souls and show one another new ways of perceiving and feeling.

[chillyravenart]

Thoughts on The Lodge? Which ones you like/dislike, maybe a few thoughts on them etc

I had to really think about this one lol firstly because it took me five minutes to realise you were referring to The Witcher and not the 2019 horror/thriller film and secondly because I didn't know I had any specific thoughts on the Lodge until I received this.

Let me preface all of this by saying that I absolutely love the way sorceresses/mages are portrayed in the books. They're all so eclectic and colourful and capricious, and above all GLAMOROUS AF. I hated the show's depiction and design for them soooo much, it was incredibly underwhelming and lame to me. But the books do such a wonderful job of describing their glamours, their gowns, jewels and aesthetics. I also love how each mage/sorceress has their own tasks and motives, they excel at different things and are very enjoyable to read about.

I did like the premise on which the Lodge was founded, to exclusively serve matters of magic. Which will do everything to prevent a cataclysm. For if magic were to perish, our world would perish with it. I love the whole realm of magic and sorcery within The Witcher, so this secret organisation really appealed to me, particularly because it united all sorceresses; human and elven, including sorceresses from all over the various kingdoms including Nilfgaard! But then their motives kind of rubbed me up wrong and I didn't agree with their plans to extract information from Geralt (looking at you Fringilla) or their plans for Yen and Ciri. I particularly didn't like their mistrust of Yen either, so overall I can't say I was a fan of the Lodge's overall objectives.

I found Philippa Eilhart really cool in the early books, and admired her magical/polymorph abilities especially The Blood of Elves. But I didn't warm to her in the subsequent books because of her plans for Ciri and Yen, lmao I just don't like anyone interfering with Geralt, Yen or Ciri whatsoever. Leave them alone!😤

Francesca Findabair Enid an Glenna is one of my favourite Elven characters, she's the most beautiful woman in the world as well as the Queen of all Aen Sidhe. I enjoyed the complexity of her role in the coup of Thanedd (despite working with Vilgefortz), her alliance with Emhyr var Emrais and the fact that she helped Yen escape. I also loved the fact that she voted in favour of Ciri going to say goodbye to Geralt at the Lodge meeting. I'm a sucker for Elves anyway so really hope to draw her some day, she really appeals to me.

I also loved the Nilfgaardian mage, Assire var Anahid and the fact that she was Cahir's great aunt!!! I love how she was spying on Rideaux and gleaming information, as well as owning a black cat! And the fact that she wasn't as superficial or conventionally attractive was also a nice little contrast to the rest. I'm a huge fan of the Nilfgaardian idea that mages shouldn't use glamours to hide their real appearances/flaws. I'm trying to remember what else there was to add but I can't rn😅 I really hope to draw her too some day!

I don't really have much of an opinion on the others if I'm honest, I found Sheala de Tancarville's operations in Kovir very interesting, but the rest of the sorceresses didn't really catch my attention or interest in the same way. I've mentioned my thoughts on Triss in the past so I won't really repeat myself again. I'm firmly team Yennefer all the way so anyone who bears her any ill-will or animosity isn't really on my Good List haha.

I'm sorry if this was a really underwhelming response lol but I hope it answered your question somewhat!

[anxietysroomsupport]

ugh so tw fandom drama but yk that madlib artist issue for the fandom rn? well like i just saw a post that was like "y'all this ain't over we gotta at least get an apology if not compensation" and that's great and all and i really want this to get cleared up in an ethical way and the artists to get what they deserve but the post also basically said "if this makes you uncomfortable it ain't about you, we have to dwell on it" and i get that it's a tense situation but 1/2

2/2 it made me really anxious in the past and it's making me really anxious now but now i feel guilty for feeling this way but i don't want to say anything because i just know i'd be attacked but you can't address a fandom this way, especially one that let's be honest has a lot of people with mental health issues. i know it's a big issue and it needs to be fixed but if i'm going to get an anxiety attack from it i can't help and won't want to plus ik it's bad but i need a fandom 2/3

Hi Anon,

A third part did not come through for this ask, tumblr has eaten another one apparently.

I have definitely heard about the mad libs artists issue, although I don’t know all the details.  But the United States Bureau of Labor Statistics puts out this great yearly info on median wages for animators which I’ll just link here and let people work out the numbers for themselves.

Your issue is really protecting yourself, which can be hard to do online.  Stressful topics  like this can mess you up when you’re trying to come to the fandom to escape.  

If the posts are that upsetting to you, block the blog.  It doesn’t really matter if their cause is valid, because those kinds of posts are giving you a lot of anxiety.  Other people will carry on with the fight, you just need to prioritize yourself at this moment.  You can always come back to it later if you feel like you have the spoons.  (It’s a good decision of yours to not comment on it, people are too heated to take that well.)

Essentially, they are allowed to make posts like that, but you’re also allowed to not read them.  They’re worded aggressively on purpose because they’re trying to get support for their cause, but it can be too much for some people.  Blocking the tags and blogs is probably the best course for you.

-Miss Fay

[voyager-into-the-unknown]

An Evening at an Earth Mall

By truegryffindorforever2

(Part 2 of a series, beginning with “An Afternoon in the Garden”)

Summary: Sam is overprotective, Colleen is supportive, Hunk texts Lance when he’s shopping at the mall, and Lance nearly dies of second hand embarrassment when he realizes that Katie Holt, is in fact, not a girl, but a young woman.

After heading to the men’s locker room to change out of his Garrison uniform and into comfortable civilian clothing, Lance headed towards the base’s garage to meet up with Pidge and Colleen. As he approached Mrs. Holt’s car, he heard Sam’s voice from a distance.

“Boyfriend?! Since when?” Sam exclaimed angrily.

“Since today. But we have been really close for a long time, Dad. We were best friends for the last few years—“

“He’s too old for you!”

“He’s a year and eight months older than me. And besides, I’m eighteen years old, and that’s old enough to have a boyfriend.”

“Katie, I’ve watched The Voltron Show. Colleen, did you know that this boy’s nickname is Loverboy Lance?! How did he get a nickname like that, Katie?”

“Dad, that show was totally fake, and Coran gave him that ridiculous nickname. We all thought it was hilarious because Lance hasn’t ever really had a serious girlfriend before—“

“Your friends say that he’s the biggest flirt in the Galaxy. How do you know he won’t break your heart?”

“Dad, please. Lance is a great guy. He’s sweet and funny and honest and brave. And I wouldn’t be standing here talking to you right now if it weren’t for him. He’s saved my life quite a few times.”

Sam exhaled, then was silent, pondering all of this. Lance stood in shadow, behind a large armored vehicle that kept him hidden from view. His heart was hammering in his chest. He wanted the Holts to like him. What could he do to earn Sam’s trust?

“Colleen, what do you think of all this?”

“Well, he seems like a nice young man, and I trust our daughter’s judgement.”

“Thanks, Mom.”

“Also, he’s probably heading this way right now, so you had better be on your best behavior, Sam.”

“All right, but whether you are eighteen or eighty, Katie Holt, so long as you live under my roof, you will have a curfew when you go out at night with that young man. Is that clear?”

“Yes, sir.”

Lance knew he had to face Sam eventually, but at the moment he just wanted to stay hidden. He took a deep breath, and stepped forward into the light.

“There he is.” Pidge waved, smiling at him as she moved toward him.

Lance enveloped Pidge in his arms, and she squeezed him tightly, giving him a swift kiss on the cheek. He grinned at her.

“Hello everyone!” He turned to Sam and snapped to attention to give a salute. “Commander Holt, sir.”

Sam saluted him in return. “Paladin.” Lance extended his right hand and Sam shook it cordially. “So, I hear you are escorting my daughter to the Garrison Ball.”

“Yes, sir.” Pidge took Lance’s left hand, giving it a little squeeze. He smiled at her, then turned back to Sam. “It’s a great honor sir. I think I must be the luckiest guy in the universe.” Pidge beamed at him, and they both blushed as pink as the sunset over the grand mesa just beyond the western gate.

Sam felt a wave of nostalgia, remembering how young he and Colleen were when they first started dating. For a moment, Lance reminded him of himself at that age. The genuine affection between the two of young people was apparent. He honestly couldn’t remember seeing his daughter so happy since she returned home from space, and for a moment he felt a pang of regret. He had missed so much of her growing up while he was a prisoner of the Galra. She matured into a brilliant, courageous young woman, one who had fought warlords and sentries, bounty hunters and space pirates, and who had helped save the universe from destruction alongside this awkwardly earnest, gangly young man who obviously wore his heart on his sleeve.

“You kids have a nice time at the mall. Matt and I are eating supper in the mess hall tonight, and then we’re finishing up a few things in the lab before the weekend.”

“Well, I’ve had a notion. I’m making my famous baked ziti with garlic knots for lunch on Saturday. Sam, wouldn’t it be nice if we invited Lance over tomorrow?”

“Indeed. How does 11:00 sound?”

“Sounds great, sir.”

Colleen smiled. “You know, Lance, Sam and I were quite the ballroom dancers back in our day. We could give you and Katie a few pointers if you’d like.”

“It’s true. Mom and dad gave me dancing lessons since I was little, whether I liked it or not.”

“She’s a natural,” Sam added.

“My parents taught me most of the traditional Latin American dances when I was just a kid, but I am really out of practice. This is going to be fun!” Lance said with enthusiasm.

“Well, we’re all set, then. We had better head out towards the mall,” Colleen said cheerfully. “We’ll be home around ten, dear.” She kissed her husband goodbye and got into the driver’s seat. Katie, to her mother’s surprise, didn’t want to sit in the front passenger’s seat as she usually did. She sat on the back seat with Lance, who couldn’t seem to wipe the dreamy smile off of his face if he tried. As they sped away across the desert Colleen was almost certain that he was holding her daughter’s hand.

The mall wasn’t too crowded, considering that it was a Friday night. Lance was impressed with how quickly the place had been remodeled in the aftermath of the invasion. So much had changed since they had been chosen as Paladins of Voltron, and it took some getting used to. They encountered nearly as many off-world species as humans among the vendors and shoppers, but somehow it was weirdly familiar.

“If I didn’t know better, I’d say we were back at the Space Mall,” said Pidge, voicing his thoughts aloud.

“Yeah. Hey, look, Pidge! It’s the guy from the Earth Store!” Lance pointed to the skinny grey-green alien wearing an Area 51 baseball cap. “I don’t think he’s giving away any free Kalteneckers today, though.”

“Kalteneckers?” asked Colleen.

“She’s our cow. It’s a long story, Mom.”

“Sam said something about you two having a cow in space, but I thought he was kidding, or delusional.”

“She was free with purchase. Pidge really wanted that Mercury Gameflux II with a vintage copy of Killbot Phantasm, but we were completely broke,” Lance explained.

“So we took off our shoes, rolled up our trouser legs and went wading in the mall’s wishing fountain to look for coins,” said Pidge.

“Katie Holt! You know I raised you better than that. My daughter, the criminal,” Colleen chided, in mock disapproval.

“Yeah, she’s a bad influence on me.” Lance grinned. “We nearly got arrested by the Mall Cop. But we escaped with Kaltenecker on a hover board.”

“The things a man will do for love,” Pidge teased. “Lance hit his head when we escaped and nearly gave himself a concussion.”

“Yeah, but you wanted to kiss it and make it all better, right?”

“No, I did not,” she said indignantly, “but I had to bandage you up after that fall because Hunk was riding shotgun with Coran, and Keith was ready to eject you into space.”

Colleen sighed. How had these kids managed to become saviors of the universe? Perhaps the Creator of the Cosmos had a sense of humor.

After a bit of window shopping, they found both the tuxedo shop and the dress shop they were searching for.

“Lance, when you are done trying on tuxedos, you can ask the saleswoman at the dress shop to show you to the lounging area in the back of the store. There are some comfortable armchairs for patient husbands, or in this case, boyfriends, who may have to wait a long time for their significant other to finish trying on dresses.”

Finding a tuxedo that fit him was relatively easy. Lance was tall and slim, and nearly any style looked great on him. He tried on the most classy one he could afford, and then made finger guns at himself as he admired his own reflection in the shop’s main mirror. “Razzle Dazzle, Baby!” He did a little dance, humming to himself as he strutted back and forth, and then he stopped himself, realizing that the other refined gentle beings in the shop were staring at him. “I had better stop that,” he thought. “Sam Holt definitely doesn’t want his daughter dating a goofball.”

After he was finished at the tuxedo shop, Lance headed back to the dress shop and found one of the comfortable armchairs that Colleen was talking about. There were magazines to browse through, but they were all about fashions for ladies, so he decided to check his phone when he sat down. He had a few missed calls. There was a text from Hunk that caught his attention as soon as he checked his messages.

Hunk: Where are you? I’ve been trying to reach you all evening.

Lance: At the mall. I just picked out my tux for the Garrison Ball. 😎

Hunk: Wait a minute, the ball? Did you do it?!

Lance: Do what?

Hunk: Ask her out.

Lance: Ask who out?

Hunk: You’re denser than a neutron star. YOU KNOW WHO I’M TALKING ABOUT. Your best friend.

Lance: Sorry, Hunk, I can’t take you to the ball. My girlfriend would be jealous.

Hunk: Not me! Your other best friend! And since when do you have a girlfriend?!

Lance: Um, since this afternoon. Since we made out in her mom’s hydroponics lab. 😙💋😉

Hunk: No way!

Lance: Yes, way. 😎 *Razzle Dazzle!*

Hunk: I hope you were a gentleman. She’s a sweet, innocent girl, so you better keep that in mind, Loverboy. And she happens to be my best friend, too. So if you ever hurt her...

Lance: I’ll never hurt her. I love her.

Hunk: 😮😃😍

Lance: She loves me too. 🥰

Hunk: I’m crying rn. I’m so happy for you both.

Lance: I call dibs on the best man.

Hunk: What?

Lance: When we get married, I call dibs on you for the best man. Pidge will fight me for you, so I’m calling dibs.

Hunk: 😂 You haven’t even gone on your first date yet, you nut.

Lance: No, but we have already planned our second date, which is really happening before the first date, so maybe the second date really is the first date.

Hunk: You’re not making any sense.

Lance: Italian food and ballroom dancing tomorrow at the Holts.

Hunk: Smooth. They don’t call you Loverboy for nothing.

Lance: ✨😎✨

Hunk: Talk to you later, man.

Lance: Later, dude.

Lance checked a few other messages and put his phone away. Just when he was bored enough to pick up a magazine, he heard Pidge and her mother having a conversation in the dressing room closest to him.

“Let’s see the next one, darling.” There was the sound of a dressing room door opening. “Oh that color is beautiful on you. Turn around...let’s see it...Oh, I love it!”

“It’s my favorite so far, too,” said Pidge.

“But you can’t wear it with your bra straps showing like that. Try it on with the strapless bra.”

“I did. It doesn’t fit right.”

“Why not? Is it the right size?”

“I don’t have enough up top to hold it up. It keeps falling off me. I might as well not wear a bra at all.”

Lance’s eyes were as round as saucers and his face felt as if it were on fire. His imagination was now filled with naughty thoughts about his girlfriend wearing a bra, then wearing a strapless bra, and then wearing...

“Did you try the bustier with it?”

“You mean this white lacy thing that looks like a corset?”

“Yes, with the matching lace panties. Aren’t they adorable?”

Lance’s jaw dropped, then he covered his face with the magazine, hoping no one saw how he looked right now. Is this how spontaneous human combustion occurs? He might just burst into flames any moment now. Holy crow!

“Mom, this looks like bridal lingerie. And it’s expensive.”

“It is, dear. But it’s so worth it.”

“But why spend so much on underwear that no one will get to see except me?”

“Well, if everything goes well, maybe Lance will get to see you wearing it...someday.”

“Mother!”

“I meant on your wedding night, dear.”

“MOM! Can you be any more embarrassing?!”

Lance had sunk as deeply into the armchair as humanly possible. Maybe if he sat still long enough he could turn invisible. He hoped the armchair wasn’t flammable.

Several humiliating minutes (hours?) later, he heard Pidge and her mother come to an agreement about the dress (and the lacy unmentionables), and he decided that it would be best if he wasn’t there when they came out of the dressing room area. If Pidge saw his face she would know instantly what he had overheard, and then he actually might die of embarrassment, or worse, he might say something stupid like “Aw, that’s a cute little bustier,” and then she might turn her bayard on him and murder him on the spot.

Yes, now was definitely a good time to go use the men’s room. He would meet them in front of the store later.

The shoe store was next, and Pidge was apprehensive about wearing the sort of high heeled slippers that would have to be worn with her dress. She teetered back and forth awkwardly when she she tried to walk on such tiny heels, and once, she stumbled right into Lance’s arms. He caught her, and smiled his most charming smile at her. “I always knew you would fall for me,” he said in his huskiest voice. “I’m irresistible.”

“More like incorrigible. Mom, are you sure I can’t wear flats with this dress?”

Finally, after finding a pair of shoes with a wider (and lower) heel, they put all of their purchases in the trunk of the car, then went back into the mall for a late supper at the food court.

“Hey, look, they have a Vrepit Sal’s!” Lance exclaimed happily.

“Mom, you have to try this place. Their whole menu is based on Hunk’s original recipes. The food is amazing!”

*******

It was a clear night, the desert sky alit by thousands of distant stars, some with worlds they had visited, teeming with life. The drive home was a peaceful one, with Colleen at the wheel. Through her rear view mirror, she could see Lance and Pidge sitting behind her, quietly reminiscing about their many adventures in space, until Pidge yawned, snuggled closer to him, and finally fell asleep against Lance’s chest. Lance, who already had his arm around her, kissed the top of her head and closed his eyes, smiling as one does when having a very, very pleasant dream.

[philomaela]

On the subject of the ending of 6x06.... ok so I want to separate this into two different things, 1) why from a practical, writing standpoint the story potentially happened the way it did and 2) what I got out of the end result (or rather... didn’t get out of it) on like a thematic level. I recognize that there is overlap between the two, I just find it helpful to separate them.

(under a cut because this is long... so long... why... am I like this.)

1) Ok so, personally I think the most important thing to keep in mind here is the prophecy that Lagertha will be killed by a son of Ragnar. Fun little fact about that... Hirst has stated he didn’t know which son of Ragnar was gonna kill Lagertha when he wrote that scene. I already guessed that, but it’s nice to have confirmation. From a writing POV... it is insane to me that you would create this situation for yourself. This wasn’t some vague purple prose, this was basically a multiple choice prophecy and considering you haven’t made a decision on where the story is gonna go, it feels like you’re creating an unnecessary hurdle for yourself. I would also argue... even if you don’t know where exactly you want to take these characters.... you can pretty easily see why certain scenarios would not be well received for a character like Lagertha. Basically, I think that that one bad decision had a ripple effect.

So, I’m going off of the assumption that Hirst did not know which Ragnarsson was going to kill Lagertha until he started writing season 6, ok? I feel like that’s reasonable to assume, given what he stated in the interview, even though I recognize it may turn out to be incorrect. But, from that perspective.... none of the Ragnarssons could kill Lagertha intentionally (excluding a mercy-kill rn, we’ll get back to that) considering what Hirst wanted to do with them in s6. Bjorn, Ubbe and Hvitserk are obviously the good guys, they cannot go against Lagertha who is framed as so morally good. Even Ivar would not work for this purpose in s6, considering s6 has been pretty committed to walking back Ivar’s extremism and coding as “the ultimate evil” hence the introduction of Oleg, Ivar’s relationship with Igor etc. So, Ivar can’t go against Lagertha while he’s being rehabilitated, unless the narrative acknowledges his cause as righteous... which it cannot do, because of how Lagertha needs to be framed by the story. 

I also see Lagertha as being similar to Ragnar in the sense that their deaths cannot be about them being defeated. That’s why Ragnar masterminded his death, Aelle killed him... but Ragnar had the last laugh and it fulfilled his grand plan. But, Lagertha as a character is framed as more morally pure... so she can’t mastermind revenge from beyond the grave. By season 6... she is above taking revenge (yes, despite taking revenge in s4b), because at this point the show is actively stating that revenge is not a great thing. So, killing her accidentally but having her accept it with grace and wisdom... kind of fulfills that purpose in a very convoluted way. She has to be accepting of and fine with death... but at the same time I don’t think the story is willing to have her actively ask to die. Which is why I think the mercy-killing angle was not considered an option for her. I also think the show wanted her victory against Whitehair to be the episode in which she died, so practicality states that she can’t like succumb to infection before being killed.

So... because Lagertha needs to be framed as completely morally good, as an icon basically, none of the Ragnarssons can have legitimate cause to want her dead. So... you can’t write an arc that really deals with one of the Ragnarssons trying to kill her and succeeding, you instead have to find a separate arc that closes the chapter on her story in a heroic fashion. Which is how you get Lagertha being severely (implied fatally) wounded by Whitehair in combat, before getting finished off by Hvitserk. Basically she dies twice, her first death is the one with thematic importance and an actual arc, her second death is required by the plot.

2) So... what are we left with when the story falls into place, on an emotional and thematic level... not much in my honest opinion. Again, the conclusion to Lagertha’s character arc for this season lay in her combat with Whitehair and Hvitserk stabbing her doesn’t really have any connection to that. So, for her death, we have to look for some sort of overarching, multi-season thematic arc and... I just don’t think there is one to be found in this.

I mean, Katheryn said it best when she said that Hvitserk was the one least expected to do it. He was the one who was least expected to do it because, unlike his brothers, he had no emotional relationship (positive or negative) with Lagertha. And that might be okay because he kills her accidentally, but it means there’s no real emotional tragedy in Hvitserk specifically killing her accidentally. Like, that was the first time Lagertha and Hvitserk have ever spoken to each other... which really takes away from the emotional weight of this moment. There’s no real emotional weight in it on the basis of their relationship, because they do not have one. And looking at them as individuals, I don’t think this does much for them on a thematic level either. 

Lagertha talks about not being able to escape her fate but like... when it comes to the Ragnarsson prophecy she never tried to. She never worried over it, this wasn’t something that was haunting her. Particularly with Lagertha having multiple lines of dialogue where she announces acceptance at the fact various fates/events had always been decided. In fact... her dialogue at the end, combined with how fatalistic she was with Whitehair... it made it seem like she straight up forgot about that prophecy because it was so unimportant to her. And considering the fact that she already thought she was dying (and may actually have been) she’s wouldn’t have been wrong to see that way. So she never tried to escape it nor did she really like... embrace/challenge it (ie. I wont die against you Whitehair, that’s not how I’m fated to die) as she did with her baby in s4a. 

So what’s left for Lagertha is basically... well it was a prophecy... and it happened... because prophecy. Which to be fair, is kind of what they did with Ragnar and the blind man. The difference there is that contained a measure of cruel irony, because Ragnar at that point didn’t believe in the Gods and similarly was able to laugh because the prophecy was off by a day. So it played into the theme of him crafting his own destiny... there was some catharsis there. I can’t say the same for Lagertha’s storyline, she believes in the gods and she’s always accepted the idea that her fate was decided... there’s no cruel irony to be found.

As for Hvitserk... I suppose there’s a bit more thematic relevance but it’s one that’s very clumsily retrofitting onto his character imo. So, Hvitserk’s main conflict, if one can be identified from season to season, is the struggle to identify his destiny and to understand his level of agency in that. That’s why he wonders over whether his jumping ship was free will and explores different religions and such. He finally came to the conclusion last season that his fate was to kill Ivar and his breakdown this season is partially motivated by what he sees as a failure to fulfill his destiny. So to that extent, his accidentally killing Lagertha does contain a level of cruel irony. Haha, Hvitserk... turns out you fulfilled your fate, but your fate wasn’t what you thought and there was no glory in it and you have no agency in the matter both because it was fate and because it was an accident. But again... their lack of connection and  Hvitserk running towards his fate instead of away from it undermines the tragedy of “you could not escape your fate.”

Basically, what I’m saying is that thematically this does nothing for Lagertha as a character, it does a little bit for Hvitserk... but did it really do enough to be compelling? I don’t feel that it did. Especially because any emotion I felt in the scene itself was undermined by how random and out of place it felt in the story overall.

[kinetic-elaboration]

June 25: Thoughts on Writing

So I’ve decided I want to do a bit of thinking on writing. The truth is that I actually don’t think about it that often anymore, and haven’t for several weeks, not since I realized I needed a break and declared a hiatus. I really did think I’d get over that hiatus in a couple days but it’s seeping into me instead. I told myself I’d take as long as I needed but… at some point, because creating is difficult, you do need to make a choice to just do it even though it is hard and you don’t feel ready. I’ve been trying to balance that—knowing that writing is good for me and good for my mental health—with forgiveness for myself. Something is telling me that I need a break. I’m not always great at listening to myself, the unconscious urges and instincts, so I am trying to do that.

I suspect a big part of this is that I’m inching out of the fandom. I never plan to leave or enter a fandom, I just go where I feel I want to be. But nevertheless… I am torn. A part of me doesn’t want to leave. That part thinks of all the good ideas I had and all the unfinished ideas, and wants to complete things, and to continue to explore. But another part of me just doesn’t care, doesn’t feel inspired at all. I’m not really inspired to write in other fandoms either (though I am toying with non-T100 ideas in a way I haven’t in probably about 3 years), so it’s not just that T100 isn’t an interesting place for me rn, and may never be again, but that is part of it for sure.

I could go into the other reasons but I didn’t sit down with the intention of dwelling on that. This is more about… what do I want, and what should I do? How much do I just content myself with other things and how much do I force myself to write, and in what direction? I could certainly fill my hours with other things, even other productive things. But being able to leave myself and my apartment, mentally, through writing is so important to me, and especially so now. I know that when I don’t write for long periods of time, my brain becomes stagnant and I feel dull. I already feel this happening. I’m not sure if it’s a chicken or an egg but I need the escape. I just don’t know how. I don’t even know my own instincts. What do I WANT, what’s the IDEAL, what should I be striving FOR?

So. There are a couple of possibilities.

One possible goal certainly is to finish things, to check things off a list. I love my lists and this part of me, the just do it part, has always been and will always be in conflict with the more creative part, which just wants to follow whims. Of course actually creating completed things of any sort does require discipline and forcing yourself when you don’t feel like it so I know these aren’t really incompatible instincts, but they do feel like it often. I have a lot of half-finished fics. I have a lot of ideas that have been haunting me for a while in an annoying way. And I have outstanding requests. So one thing I could do is just focus on those things that I most want to say ‘well that’s done now, good’ regardless of inspiration, and then hope that the joy of writing naturally follows, once I give myself time, space, goals, etc. The advantages of this are that even if it’s not as satisfying as I hoped, something will at least get done. Plus, I don’t need to figure out what I “really” want, or put pressure on myself to find the ‘perfect’ inspiration. It’s going to be hard no matter what, anyway.

The downside of this is that having a plan to get back into a hobby by making it the most like work as possible seems… dumb.

Another possibility is that I continue just writing fragments, individual scenes, free writes, etc., instead of pursuing stories, multi-chapter fics, or other longer projects. This is basically all I’ve been doing since finishing the AWWNH Interlude a month ago. The most story-like thing I wrote since then was Fifteen Miles, which did require a couple false starts, but which is still under 2k and pretty simple. I actually do like the scenes I’ve written and it feels good but not stressful. I have found in the past though that when I do too much of this kind of writing, it starts to feel… difficult in itself because each story is short but it’s also something I have to start from scratch. Of course it’s not like I have to do a certain number of them, so I can keep my overall output small while still not losing the writing habit entirely.

Option three: it’s not about writing, it’s about planning. To be honest, this is all a part of me wants to do. Outlines. Brainstorms. Sit on my couch with a notebook and hand write vague ideas I may or may not ever write. I haven’t actually been doing this, or at least not precisely and not much, partially because I just haven’t had the time/energy for ANYTHING recently, and partially because… I guess in a way I feel like I don’t deserve it. Like planning new projects is for when you’re done with current projects. I realize this is unreasonable but it’s the truth.

And finally, I could try to really, really detach myself from any care about what I “should” be writing, and just write whichever of my ideas most speaks to me in any given moment or, otherwise, something chosen randomly, since often it’s hard to tell what I’m in the mood for (again, creating is hard, and it’s always hard—doing nothing is always easier than pursuing even the best, most interesting idea). I don’t necessarily ever have to finish anything, and I can work for as long as I want or don’t want. Realistically, I’m probably not going to have much of an audience for my fics again, at least not in this fandom, so I might as well really lean into writing things for me. I don’t owe anything to anyone! If it’s not enjoyable for me and I don’t like the finished project, it is not worth it, and I should cease to care.

This attitude is not in my nature but I could use more of it.

The truth is I do want to be able to post things again and have people actually want to read them, to have them look exciting etc., because I’m only human and I love validation. But that’s beyond my control. So I can’t get caught up in it, or let it distract me in any way.

Realistically, I’ll probably do a combination of these things. I’ve been collecting a large document of current projects and ideas for a little bit now; it’s one of the few creativity-adjacent things I have been able to do and have liked doing. I’m going to continue with that, and I’m going to try to make time to write on the weekend. I’m going to put a slight emphasis on requests since I feel the worst about those being unfinished. And otherwise I’m just going to work on random projects, and try to be as little concerned with quality as possible, at least for now. I’m also going to make time to just plan stuff for fun, since that’s something I actually do actively want to do (and I know that it’s a lot harder than it seems… it’s still ‘work’ in a sense, still ‘productive’).

I’ve been really topsy-turvy this week and now that it’s almost over… I’m not sure what to expect from the weekend. I hope to get enough rest today and tomorrow that I can actually accomplish stuff on the weekend itself. I might be going out on Saturday… depending on the weather, just to sit outside away from my apartment. Might do some notebook-writing then. It’s demoralizing to spend a long time on something and get little in return, in terms of word counts, etc., but I’m going to try to gear myself up for that likelihood, and focus on what I need the writing for: to get out of myself, to deeply imagine another time and place and other people who aren’t me, and be in their heads. I would like that. I am going to try.

[scentedfictural]

summary of my thoughts on The Winchesters 1.01 (but slightly to the left)

sooooooooo mad rn i wrote an entire summary of my thoughts on the spnwin premiere and then fell asleep and my laptop shutdown so now i have to do it again:

anyways (medium spnwin spoilers belooow)

- Overall I really liked the pilot. It messes with the core plot quite a bit but in a way that makes it clear that there’ll be some sort of plot twist. I’m excited to know where it goes to say the least. There was an issue with really fast pacing but I think thats usually a problem with pilots anyway so fingers crossed next week’s episode goes at a slower pace.

- I think the best part of the episode was the new characterisations of John and Mary. They feel like themselves but in fresh, new ways. John (who I hate in spn) especially, I found very compelling. because we see him start off right as all his problems do, just returned from war. The John we know is still just around the corner for him, though, and the show will probably follow him as he steps into the role (before Mary dies anyways). 

I really liked Mary’s character in season 12 and 13 of Supernatural, and The Winchesters Mary has a lot of potential. She reminds me so much of Sam in season 1, wanting so badly to get out of hunting, though we know she never truly will. Of course, she is also very deanlike in general attitude, but I think the parallels with Sam got me more excited. Since it’s clear spnwin diverges from canon (for now) I wonder what it means for Mary’s character.

Carlos and Latika are great, although I don’t have much to say about them. Latika’s moment with John gave me a tiiiny sliver of hope that Mary and John would each try to escape their fated romance with other people, until they get magneted back by the forces that be. Tbh I doubt that’ll happen though (cant get my hopes too high). I kind of wanted someone to be killed off immediately but thats because I hate quads im not gonna lie. 

Not loving the scooby doo van, or energy to be honest, but I can overlook it because I like the characters. 

- Now, about the romance.

 Please, god, the dialogue. Everything else was fine but some of the dialogue is. yikes. Mary especially is the worst offender for this with lines that feel so painfully CW (are you KIDDING ME.)

I also (no shocker here) don’t like Mary and John’s romance, i’m sorry. I really don’t feel the chemistry between them... hopefully thats on purpose? (its not). I don’t like how fast Mary warmed up to and was ready to explain the hunting life to John, it does not feel consistent with her character. I do not at all like their banter. Also I know Jensen was probably trying to sneak a little cameo in there with the nickname ‘soldier boy’ but I hate it. a lot. (that is just a personal thing though). I’m really banking on this show playing with the whole ‘destined to be together but aren’t gonna work’ thing that John and Mary have, because if it’s just Supernatural: love story edition i’m going to be very sad. 

- seeing dean at the end had me smiling because he’s BACK!!!! and he’s back in the CAR!!!! Where is he? No idea. Where is he going? No idea. Does his appearance and voice over actually add anything to the story? Probably not yet. Am I happy to see him? Absolutely.