#2020: writing thoughts

[covertdismalness]

idol shouritsu doodles

[owlsie-hoot]

ACGAS series 5 in general.... (thoughts about 5.6. later)

Where to begin? (that I said I would write no more essays?)(beware this is not really positive)

Maybe with this: The writers seem to have completely forgotten the entire character development from four previous series. I don't get how you can come up with such a series after series 4 (and I mean series as in "season") ?

Harsh words, sorry, but I am annoyed and frustrated and after episode three I had sadly lost faith in series 5. Slowly, but for reasons I try to explain in this very lengthy text post (not everyone will agree with me of course and that's ok).

So far ACGAS has really managed to keep up very high quality writing for four consecutive series. There was the odd episode that I didn't like that much but there was never such disappointment involved.

First: usually the episodes feel well balanced, the storylines are all interwoven in a way, all characters have an equally strong story arc for each individual series and continuous character development. There is also a good balance between heavy and light topics. ACGAS is very good at giving us meaningful quiet scenes that show a character's depth without overdoing it. To me almost all of this was missing in series 5. Mainly because they changed the structure and therefore also the balance of the episodes. Instead of connecting the characters, each episode featured and focused heavily on one couple, giving them a lot of space with one long storyline and the other characters were pushed into the background.

Episode 1 focused on James with an almost 20 minute long sequence of scenes that only featured him and his crew. Usually (and this applies to all subsequent episodes) the show switches back and forth between the different storylines and never lingers too long on one character. That creates a good balance. Because you feel that all characters are treated equally even if the main focus in an episode is only on one character.

Episode 2 focused on Audrey and her new role as warden. The main focus were her and Siegfried in this episode.

Episode 3 put the focus on Tristan's return but also had the christening and Helen's struggle with Hannah and until after the christening the episode felt well balanced to me. But then we didn't see Audrey anymore for almost 15 minutes and focused only on Helen and Hannah as well as on Tristan and Siegfried.

Episode 4 made the same mistake episode 1 made: a very long sequence of scenes that only features Tristan and Carmody. Siegfried was not seen for about 25 minutes.

Episode 5 introduced a potential "love interest" for Siegfried, something I absolutely hated and was extremely annoyed at. After the first two episodes, Audrey and Siegfried's interaction in episode 3 and the couch scene in 4 it felt like a huge step backwards and an ignoring of Siegfried's reaction to Audrey's entire series 4 storyline. Convinced that nothing would come out of this I tried to brush this away as a misstep. A plot device to show Siegfried how important family is for him. This episode also pushed all other characters, except him and Carmody, into the background and although it felt better balanced than ep 1 and 4, the other characters didn't move forward.

Episode 6 was actually the one that stood out from the others and felt like the episodes I love. There was a focus on two couples this time (Tristan and Siegfried / Helen and James ) and they balanced it really well with a fun and a very emotional storyline. Suddenly they remembered how to do it! But only in episode 6. But the entire "love interest" plot was a bit too much through the Tristan and Siegfried scenes, which feels like a disservice to the entire fandom after series 4 when we saw how important Audrey is for Siegfried and when even the press finally realised that these two should be more than friends. The ending sadly felt unfinished to me. No conclusion, no real denouement at all. It felt like it needed two or three more scenes to finish the episode.

I have never complained about an entire series of ACGAS before and I hope this will be the first and last time I am doing this. As much as I love my ship and have of course also watched series 5 from a shippers point of view, it also failed to deliver for James and Helen (until episode 6) and also for Tristan. We knew James was struggling, we saw glimpses of that every now and then but everything felt rather shallow and was not given that much depth. Mainly because this heavy topic was buried underneath a lot of fun and happiness and laughter and silliness that seemed to be the main theme of series 5 (as opposed to the more angsty series 4). Yes, that topic was resolved in episode 6 and also in a good way but the way towards it felt a bit half-heartedly.

Same goes for Tristan. I was so looking forward to his return and they did a great job with that in episode 3 and also in 4 (although episode 4 dragged a lot, and felt a bit repetitive in the end) but after that I would have loved to see the cracks in his mask, see how he really struggles, see him in quieter moments, unobserved by others. This is what made ACGAS so good in the last 4 series! And it was totally missing. Siegfried and Tristan's talk did not really get to the bottom of his troubles at all. I felt that Tristan was not really telling the truth here.

Take Helen. She's a new mom, we saw her struggle a bit with her new role at the beginning but then they did not give her a storyline for herself at all. Throughout series 5 she was mainly used as a plot device to crack single cases. Like the poisoning of Bingo, the poodle incident in episode 3, Frisk's death and resurrection. We only really saw her shine in episode 6.

Audrey had an amazing start with episodes 1 and 2 but from episode 4 onwards she was more or less degraded as housekeeper, busy in the background. Of course there was the "bomb" incident in episode 5 which was fun but in previous series they would have connected that story with the other storylines of the episodes, used it to show what a strong woman she is, how no one can tell her what to do. In interviews it was hinted at that she would get a storyline that tests her mental health. We have not seen any of it at all. Nor have they managed to use her role as Warden to bring the reality of war closer to Darrowby. It was funny, even ridiculous in episode 5. The seriousness of her war effort was wasted almost entirely. And the other major failure was the complete omission of Edward. Which further underlines my main complaint about series 5: lack of depth, lack of character development, lack of meaningful progress. What bothered me most about her storyline was that they separated her completely from Siegfried in the last two episodes. The scenes they shared were mainly her working in the background, except for that moment about going to the Drovers. Suddenly they felt like employer and employee again. And she was a housekeeper. Not a family member. This is something that I really cannot take. Sorry.

And at last Siegfried. We saw him struggle here and there, we saw him embracing his found family in the first 3 episodes. He was the most emotional in episode 3 but after that his character development also kind of stopped and even went backwards with the "love interest" storyline they forced him into. Throughout the last four series, Siegfried has slowly moved from overcoming his grief to testing the waters again with Dorothy and Diana, then his focus slowly shifted back to Audrey. And especially in s4 we saw how much she means to him in more ways than housekeeper/friend. All this was now disregarded in the Miss Grantley storyline which would have fitted into s3 when Audrey and Gerald were not yet a thing but serious enough for Siegfried to react to it every now and then (the "not date" and his reaction to the kiss). At the beginning of the series, the interviews made us think that Siegfried felt left out, as if his work was not important enough. We saw very tiny glimpses of that but only if you look closely. This was another storyline and development left floating on the surface instead of really delving into it and developing it properly. (and I might write an entire essay about Siegfried + Audrey soon) In the end he felt very far removed from Audrey and the married banter was completely gone in the last 2 (maybe 3 episodes) as if the writers decided to extinguish the slow burn all of a sudden.

So overall s5 started well with the first 3 episodes but then started going downhill (for me) halfway through episode 3. A lot of potential was wasted. The focus was mainly on making sure everybody had something to do but they forgot to go deep, to show us what makes this new adaptation of ACGAS special:

It's the much more real, rounded characters, their feelings, their experiences, the way the storytelling goes much deeper and makes the characters more relatable than in the old series.

And when you take that away, you lose bits of the soul, you lose what makes this version of ACGAS so special. It was still there, partly, but not in the way we have seen it in series 1-4.

Now: We still have a Christmas special and it was written by a writer I really trust. However, I have always trusted the writers and they have let me down this year so I am now sadly really anxious about the final episode of series 5. I never thought I would feel that low about a favourite show and my ship again after Downton s6. But I guess there is no escaping that in fandom. Ever. I just want my "giddy anticipation" back :(

[poisonousquinzel]

when i totally inevitably get around to actually writing that coffee shop au i brought up in uhhhhhhh 2020(??) this is definitely the kinda Ivy design vibe she'll have <3

[teamcavota]

images that haunt me

[kangals]

my hyper-specific complaint about AI is that my boss keeps using chatGPT to generate lists of shit that they want me to work on, and I have to spend a good chunk of my time going through each list and patiently explaining why multiple entires on the list are either A) impossible B) highly impractical and/or C) a huge waste of time. which is, ironically, also a huge waste of my time.

[peonycats]

just took a look at the aph greenland tag on ao3

[eldesperadont]

old 2020 era NJPW Fantasy AU pieces — the setting features a world that’s scared of magic, BC is a cringefail bandit gang, and this loud lanky ex-acrobat they picked up at some point turns out to be a Mage; more in the notes

[pangyham]

been thinking about the liyue gang and how id draw their physical builds so here are some thoughts i had for xy cy and gm in particular

- xingqiu, unsurprisingly, would be quite lanky. i like to think he has broad-ish shoulders, like a thin athlete's build? hes a long boy to me haha, long face, neck, limbs, fingers etc, so naturally hes stands (comparatively) tall at 5'6" or 5'7"

i like to think hes most physically attractive one and has that handsome princely and boyish charm to him because it adds a lot to his fuckass duality LOL

- chongyun is a lot like xiao imo! short stature but with muscular arms. he seems nimble and flexible because of his normal attack animations (which bears a lot of similarities to xiao's actually! this + the fact that chongyun's normal attacks create gusts of wind further reinforces my hc that xiao trains him). sometimes i watch high energy choreography vids on youtube and some dancers look incredibly light on their feet, almost like their body is inherently bouncy? and i imagine chongyun to have that agility to him. chongyun has a delicate face and aura and i let that bleed into my hcs for his fighting style and physical capabilities hahaha. hes kind of like a cat who's deceptively strong. as for height.. just a few inches taller than xiao, so perceptibly short at 5'4"

- ga ming my new beloved. pretty much similar to chongyun but more muscular and stronger just because he wields his claymore with ease. theres a noticeable weight different between cy and his claymore the way he lugs it up after he swings (or even other claymore users like razor who, on his last hit, bounces from impact). meanwhile ga ming literally slams his to the ground LOL. i love his movements though hes very swift and expressive and radiant.. if cy has delicate movements then ga ming's is fierce and (charmingly!) assertive

ga ming is wonderfully charismatic though, i know hes not well known in liyue harbor yet, but he seems like the type to gain a reputation from his friendliness. how could no one adore him hahaha. 5'5" for height! just between xy and xq

[jossambird]

Thinking of a new Swedes fic premise is fking with me because I had loved the premise of my other one (the same premise done over and over again in the Ikea Mafia fandom because it’s such a good one). Now, I’m just sitting here, TRYING to find a new one and all I can hear inside my ear is ‘write the same fic, Ronnie… Start it all over again with a few changes here and there…’

[kodasea]

There's someone I have to kill

[owlsie-hoot]

All Creatures Great and small "Holding the baby" 05x02

I don't even know where to start!

First: my internet connection was not AWOL this week and I could watch the entire episode without any trouble. And maybe that is why I still cannot sort my thoughts!

What was this episode? What happened? How many of the predictions came true? How many spoiler dots were correctly connected? A LOT!

Starting at the beginning:

Audrey being on one of her first training sessions to learn everything about her new job, a scene I was eagerly looking forward since the end of February. That the episode started with that was simply amazing. I cried because it made me so happy. Of course it was Siegfried who didn't close the curtains correctly - prediction one. And of course he waited for her because he wanted to make "you were accounted for" - correct prediction two. I mean how many times have we written about this scenario in fanfics? I certainly have used this trope numerous times. Needless to say that this entire sequence already killed me and that was only the beginning. The joking, the banter, the care, the offering of a nightcap, handing her the letter from Tristan. There is no line there anymore. It has vanished.

Only in my rewatch did I notice that episode 2 picks up directly after episode 1. Just one hour later. So we all got to yell "Bingo" if we assumed that Siegfried was only still up, talking to James, because he was waiting for Audrey in episode 1. (sorry was too excited last night to notice this)

Siegfried and Jimmy at the breakfast table: can it get any cuter? Seriously! Reading medical textbooks to the baby is so Siegfried.

The story slowly unfolds after that of course and I didn't dare hope that Siegfried and Audrey would get more than two scenes for themselves. Setting my expectations very low for each episode is hard but rewarding because they were inseparable in that episode. Siegfried storming through the house, yelling her name, ranting about Bosworth, telling her everything he hates about that guy, is so married! Of course Bosworth hears everything and of course Siegfried puts his foot in. "Monopolising my housekeeper" - is one way of phrasing it but I think that 'housekeeper' is by now a very hollow expression, only used out of habit. And because every other term would give him away. He cannot say her first name, he cannot say partner, wife, companion, friend. I wasn't sure if the look Audrey shot him was because he called her 'housekeeper' or because he interfered her meeting and offended Bosworth.

Cue Siegfried apologising (scene number 3 for them!) almost immediately afterwards in his own special way. He fully accepts her terms and conditions and points out that he was only angry with Bosworth and not with Audrey who only had two training sessions so far. "feels like more" he mutters because he misses her and doesn't like sharing her. But he does not really understand that he is jealous. At least they talk now! Still not enough but there is so much more communication between them that is emotionally important and not your regular small talk.

As if this wasn't already enough, the next correctly predicted scene happens. Audrey riding her bike while on a round, finding poor Bingo and calling Siegfried for help. Once again the two share a frame but this time even more flirting is added. The looks are killing me and I can't believe what I just witnessed. There was admiration and pride, thankfulness and a tenderness in that scene that leaves no doubt that Audrey is slowly getting there.

The next scene with them doesn't help either because the first hint is dropped that Siegfried is too old for romance (and doesn't have a family) - which Audrey finds so funny that she has a hard time suppressing her laughter. Bosworth could not be more wrong. Seeing Audrey and Siegfried sitting opposite the warden, like the couple they unofficially are, in a house that reminds us of Gerald's dark bachelor flat, is the cherry on top of the cake. Followed by the epic car ride (prediction number 4!) that I rewatched directly afterwards.

Audrey teasing him and Siegfried knowing that she does but playing along. They are on fire. Additionally we have never seen Audrey so carefree, so at ease and happy, smiling and teasing throughout an episode. Gone is the weight that she had carried around for such a long time. She truly is free and Siegfried welcomes this with open arms. "There should be a line between employer and employee" "when is suits" - that line Siegfried pointed out in 01.02 has eroded. She can endlessly tease him and he joins in. Seize the day! And smile about it.

Only to step hard on the breaks later. Have we ever heard Audrey tease him like that? Or Siegfried answer in such a flirty sarcastic way? I don't think so. Will add "Stubborn beast" to the list of endearments Audrey uses for Siegfried.

And finally, the last scene. Not alone this time but the predicted, apron wearing husband. Adapting, helping, not being grumpy about it. And his wife who lets him fight his own battles because she enjoys the squabble between Bosworth and Siegfried way too much (when it is not about her).

[collectivecloseness]

playing with Kurt's little tits whilst he fucks himself between yours send tweet

Kurt would go absolutely fucking feral being able to tittyfuck you and that’s so true

(Cw: 18+)

He’s slobbered all over your boobs (affectionately <3) beforehand so they’ll be all soft and easy to use for him to slide into. Whimpers as you tell him how hot he looks as he spits onto his cock, rubbing it with his hand.

Thanks you endlessly as you press your boobs together, so his cock can feel all encompassed and warm and safe, so he can see the image of his dick thrusting between your tits that you’re playing with in your hands.

Moaning for him as you play with your tits only makes Kurt groan harder though. Just with what you two are doing alone he’s probably already close. He’s never done something like this before, and here you are, letting him do it, and enjoying him.

He wants to touch your pretty boobies too please, but he’s not the most coordinated guy in the world. Swears as he nearly falls on top of you, nearly crushing your chest with his hips, his soft tummy hovering just over your chin as he manages to catch himself. About to apologise and ask if you’re okay when you press a kiss near his sweet little bellybutton, and Kurt is shivering so hard he nearly collapses on top of you again. He’s silent for a few moments as he pulls back, just reeling in the feeling of what you’ve done, his eyes bright and lips shiny while he looks at you. Kurt really likes that.

He does manage to have one hand be able to adoringly fondle and softly play with your boobs. Just wanting that soft warmth of yours in his hand, his thumb smoothing over it, stroking your chest affectionately, as his palm encaptures you. All while he’s using his other hand to keep him upright, while he keeps fucking himself between your chest.

And when your boobs press against that particular vein as it throbs, all squeezes against him, goddammit. Kurt’s gripping your flesh tenderly as you tell him how big he is, and he speeds up sloppily whenever you praise or compliment him.

Goddamn the heat against your chest feels so good. With how girthy and heavy and even long he is, feeling that slide between your pressed up breasts, having Kurt hover over the top of you where he looks like he’s about to collapse any moment...

It feels fucking incredible. You squish your tits together more, moaning up and looking into your sweet boys face. And Kurt’s lovingly humming your name, his way on checking up on you right now, his hand soft but still needy on your tender boob. His spit from his mouth worshipping all over your boobs a moment ago seems to only heat up with his aching cock sliding between them.

You’re pressing your thighs together just as much as your chest, unable to buck with Kurt sitting on you like this, but watching this was turning you on way enough. Feeling wet and hot not only around your chest, Kurt and you were nearly whining in sync as you watched yourselves.

Kurt’s hot and thick cock on the skin of your chest between your tits, his throbs pulsing through your breasts as you squash them there, Kurt’s hand desperate to hold your chest near your fingers, his drool over your hardened nipples and chest heating up with each needy thrust he gives you. It all feels insane. Kurt’s not the only one who’s stomach is all coiled up desperately.

Kurt’s already pushing the head of his cock up against your lower face. He’s big, and needy, so it really doesn’t take long at all. You hum in delight for Kurt as the head slides past your lips, and he fucking trembles over you at the vibration, even though his left hand is clawing at your boob.

Stick your tongue out while his tip drooling pre is bucking against it, Kurt will cum to the image for the rest of his life. He’s having to hold himself off from busting right there and then, just so he can watch you more. Moaning so fucking loudly as he bounces his tip onto your flat tongue, rubbing his pre there like he’s marking you with it, brushing a pretty painting.

Reaching up to grab his chest only makes Kurt whine out even louder. His hips rutting faster as he fucks his throbbing dick into your chest, while you tell him just how big he is. Kurt only speeds up with every praise and compliment.

Kurt tries to whimper, whine, moan, worship, plea anything out with your name, but he can only make sounds, as his dick thrusts faster and sloppier into your chest, just so enamoured with your touch. You respond by rubbing your hands over his chest too. Feeling Kurt up, sighing in pleasure at the wanton moan he gives over you for this, always so touchstarved even still.

Your hands on his chest make him happy anyway, they always do. But here in this moment, as you do the exact thing to him as he’s doing to you, your hands holding his chest as Kurt grips onto yours, he can’t help but feel so connected with you. All he can think about is how you’re grabbing his chest as the same time he’s got yours, and it drives him fucking feral, and also angelically euphoric. Fuck what you do to him, how good you are with him.

His moans turn into a cry, a single sob that gets you to look up at him with a more inspecting gaze. But you can tell Kurts sob was from bliss. Not just physical bliss, from what you two were doing, but with how blissed out he was from being with you, and how fantastical you were. Moaning more with wrecked pleasure as he tries to stick his dick further, grabbing onto your chest with all he’s got. Your soft flesh peeking between his fingers, white marks of his previous hold ever present.

And smiling after his cry of pleasure, knowing Kurt was good and okay, you wait for his cock to pop up again, and you kiss his tip.

Kurt shudders so hard you’re afraid he’ll crush you. But then his hand stables himself on your chest, and he looks down at you with those shiny brown eyes, his thrusts speeding up as Kurt groans looking to you.

“Open up baby. Open up. I’m so close.” Kurt gasps. He never likes holding himself off if he doesn’t have to.

“Wanna cum on your hot tongue. Gonna spread it all over your mouth baby, please. I’m gonna- fuck...”

You open your mouth up wetly and obediently, wanting to taste Kurt just as much as he wants to blow his load all over your mouth.

And as Kurt watches you with eager and fawning eyes, he swears gratefully as he fucks your chest faster, the dirty sounds spurring him on even more, before Kurt finally starts cumming.

“Oh God, God, God...” Kurt croaks your name out as he starts shooting his cum, his dick slowly moving back and forth over your tongue. The heat is insatiable, and drool piles down your neck as you keep your tongue out, letting him fuck his length over your tongue some more. Keeping your chest pressed together as Kurt moves up, rubbing the underside of his dick covered in cum, up and down your tongue, as he continues busting into your mouth.

“Stay like that... fuck... yes, please.” Kurt whines out loud breathily, as his thrusts slow down, and he gently covers your tongue in his cum as his orgasm turns into a soft dribble. Which then he uses his hand to swipe his tip up and down over the tip of your tongue. The way Kurt shivers above you you’d think he’d cum again, if you couldn’t taste the deficit. Kurt hisses as he grips his cock tight, pressing his slit over the tip of your tongue. Swearing praises at you as you flick your tongue softly over it. Until he’s finally stopped cumming.

Even when he has, and you’re about to swallow, Kurt holds your head gently, but just shoves his cock in your mouth. Moaning your name gratefully, but holding you there for a moment, as you manage to slip your lips shut over his girth, at the quick decision. Kurt basking in the warmth of your mouth over his cock, much like your tits had been before.

But later Kurt pulls back, and now you’re panting with him, as you both just look to each other for a moment, Kurt kneeling over your laid down body. You swirl your tongue around in your mouth, opening your lips up a little so Kurt can see his pretty masterpiece, even sticking your tongue out at him so Kurt can see how he’s painted your tongue white with his cum, and he fucking giggles over the top of you as you show him that, before you noisily swallow.

Kurt cums quite a lot though, so you’re still mouthing around his cum in there, as you lift your neck up a little. Watching your boyfriend more as you continue with his taste.

Kurt’s beaming in post nut glory, sliding his dick over your tits once more, to cover them in his cum as well. Although more aimed all around this time, holding his dick in his fist, trying to spread his cum around them.

You rest your hand on your boyfriends knee, as he’s sat on your chest. But when Kurt looks at you, you can tell he’s not quite done, he’s still thinking of something.

You know what it is when he brings his hand towards your chin, but then sticks two of his fingers in your mouth. You gag only a little, he didn’t push them that deep, Kurt just surprised you. And now it’s clear you licking at his two fingers has become a subconscious action of yours, as that’s what your body immediately does before your brain can think. Kurt pushes his fingers in there for a moment, swirling them around your mouth, and curling them on your tongue.

You hum over them, liking Kurt’s fingers in your mouth, and surprised by the almost dominant turn, but he’s taking them away after only a couple of seconds. When you whine, Kurt beams at you with pride, his heart swelling that he did that just from taking his fingers out of your mouth.

But then you realise what he’s doing as he gets his cum and your drool covered fingers, and he wipes them all over your tits too. His soft cock laying heavy over one of your nipples, as he continues to sit himself down on your chest naked. Just covering your tits with his cum like he had your tongue.

“You look so pretty covered in my cum y/n.” Kurt laughs softly. Looking at you with an eager gaze, biting his lip softly as he beams at you.

You try to sit up, but you can’t with Kurt using your torso as a seat, so you resign yourself to straining your neck, so you can reach up your arm enough to stroke through his smooth brown hair.

“Yeah, maybe you can paint my face next time.” You offer with a soft chuckle. Kurts face so warm under your hand, that he presses to his cheek with your touch, almost greedily the way he snags it up.

But now you can feel Kurt shuffling on top of you, luckily not pressing too much weight as he’s being careful, his balls rubbing up just under your breasts. “Can I do that right now?”

Kurt definitely plans on doing that as he’s already hardening against your tit. But once he’s cleaned your face off a little, as in he’s made his cum your new face cream by rubbing it in, but made sure you can still see, he’s going to be dragging you on top of his chest. So you can both do the same thing, something he loves as a symbol of your relationship, and Kurt can’t wait for you to fuck his chest. He wants you to rub your cunt on his bare chest and splatter it with your cum too. Kurt actually needs you to do so. Oh how he loves you two being so in sync <3

[outlying-hyppocrate]

my first teeth grew in sharp and twisted inward, but they sorted themselves out by my seventh year or so. they ended up putting braces on me nonetheless.

[paranoid-poppies]

Wings

Amid the cries of a fallen angel

There echoes the sound of a mourning mother

She begs for an end at the feet of the reaper

And exists the same as all the days before

She weeps, she screams

For her child has changed

But maybe for the better

Without warning came trumpets and banners that flew

“I’m different!” The angel shouted

Thinking this was the answer

The solver of problems, of worries and woes

Mother and father

They disagreed

They held their ears

Begged for an end

Squinted and questioned

“Who are you again?”

The angel, they whimpered, confused and afraid

Were these not their parents?

The people who taught, cared, and loved?

This woman and man, who were they if not?

Retreating on wings to their haven, safe at last

Confined and understood at least they had that

The people who talked, worried and helped

This was their family, without even a doubt

Thunder, lightning, questions, it rained

The mother and father they asked again and again

Without satisfaction they took the angel’s wings

Convinced without flight everything was explained

“A feeling!” The angel cried, “a thought in my head!”

“These people I’ve talked to, they heard what I said!”

“Understanding, relation, they know how I’ve felt!”

“They helped when I thought I couldn’t be helped!”

Silence, not one single word

The mother fret, the father read

Desperately turning thoughts through their heads

How could it be?

Our angel so sweet?

Trapped with the mind of a demon so mean?

“You’re lying,” they announced, matter of fact

“This isn’t the truth, this author proves that”

Papers and words and books and things

Page after page to justify disbelief

Not knowing who’s thoughts were whose

The angel now doubted the melodies they blew

“Did I lie?” They thought, “was I too hasty to speak?”

“Should I have waited more days or more weeks?”

The angel now mourned, hiding again

Bloodied and torn flesh on their back, wings lost to the wind

A feather in hand, a tattered lifeline

A beacon of hope in the dark of the nights

Plotting for futures that came and went

“Should I keep going like this? Can I reach the end?”

The feather, it twisted and turned

Their clammy grip kept it tight

Reluctant to lose more but too weak to fight

[wavesoutbeingtossed]

Like. When it comes down to it, I think the difference isn't just that one person wanted to be in the public eye and the other didn't. I think that if that's all that it really was, it would have either led to compromise on both ends or led to the two people going their separate ways when discussion about their future arose. (As in, if it were a hard no, I can't do this and I can't live that kind of life, where it was just fundamentally a problem of square peg, round hole, it would have been sad but probably understandable.)

If I had to guess, the real issue when it came down to it is that the person who didn't want that life - whether it's publicly supporting each other, being involved in whatever, family plans, whatever the lightning rod was to which we may never be privy - belittled the other for feeling that way or having those desires.

I'm not trying to write fanfic about real people, but just reading between the lines between the statements over the last few months and the TIME piece and ~vibes on stage and whatever, it's just. There's a lot of hurt there. But specifically hurt about what makes that person feel proud, accomplished and fulfilled. And it feels like the kind of hurt from someone resenting those very things and making them feel unimportant or unserious.

It's just, it's sad all around, both from the future plans that went up in smoke, the good memories that now seem to be tarnished by the bad, the pain that resulted, but also that it feels like part of that time ended up being a "waste." I know that's normal breakup stuff and some of that will be tempered with time. But I think it's also just another sign that you never really know what's going on with someone (public or not) and there can be a world of hurt lurking beneath still waters.

[thezeninclan]

Kissing Kirishima ?

ejirou kirishima seems almost hesitant in the way he kisses you— as though he’s afraid that he’s doing something he’s not supposed to, something wrong.

he’s shy, so cutely, abashlessly shy, with his splothy cheeks blown red and his eyes ticking nervously around the room, seeming to land everywhere but your face. you’re somewhat surprised by the unexpected hesitation that engulfs him, by the way he seems almost standoffish, holding onto just the tips of your fingers like you’re a butterfly he’s caught but afraid to crush.

you had been so sure that he’d wanted to kiss you, that he liked you, never missing the brassy way his eyes flickered over your lips every time you two spoke, the way his adam’s apple would dribble nervously in this throat as he stood before you.

so when you had closed the distance between your prone bodies and rooted your lips against his, you had expected that he kiss you back, that he return the affection that had unfurled between you since the very first day of your UA entrance exams. but instead you had been met with a quick turn of his head, a furious blush, and a biting stutter that had your stomach churning tumultuously.

but just as you had moved away, tried to flee, his hand had caught yours, palms clasped tight and flush, and as you hesitantly rose to meet his eyes, you had been confronted with a look written over his face was nothing you had ever seen before. it had struck you then, as obvious as the sun was above your head and the earth was beneath your feet, the realization that kirishima had never kissed anyone before, and, like in so many other things, he wanted to be good, wanted to be good for you. 

“ejirou…” you whisper, breaking forward to press your cheek against the naked planes of his broad chest, feeling the way his heart hammers an uncertain staccato against the shell of your ear.

his breath catches, cheeks so red and hot you feared you might be burned as you lean close to press your lips against his fervent skin. “I…” he began, releasing the fists he had long ago clenched at his sides. the hesitancy that had grown between you seems to evaporate within the space of an exhaled breath, and before you know it a kiss is punctuating every word he utters under his breath: “l’ve dreamt of doing that for a long time.”