#Im journalling all these thoughts of mine

[jossambird]

Thinking of a new Swedes fic premise is fking with me because I had loved the premise of my other one (the same premise done over and over again in the Ikea Mafia fandom because it’s such a good one). Now, I’m just sitting here, TRYING to find a new one and all I can hear inside my ear is ‘write the same fic, Ronnie… Start it all over again with a few changes here and there…’

[turtlespancake]

i cant believe fontaine finally cleaned up its archon quest writing and learned to Actually Proper Balance its npc screentime with its playable character screentime. and yet. AND YET!!! THIS is the nation where i end up hyperfixating on the historical figures with no official designs.

[radiotorn]

The perusing thru photo gallery strikes again. ! Bad

[lovethroughdelusions]

Not to vague about something one main, but I'm going to vague about something on main. This happened like. Months ago.

If you make a post about a relatable human experience, your post blows up so you turn off reblogs, and someone sends you an anon sharing their relatable human experience and shows vulnerability, you can just delete the anon? You don't have to post it and say don't ask don't care or whatever? Someone is sharing their part of humanity with you. Instead of more or less insulting them or insinuating they don't matter you could just delete it? Asks get lost here all the time. People also chose not to respond to them. They wouldn't know.

This is probably just my RSD being a lil bitch and I'm reading too much into it but whatever I'm slightly annoyed and was reminded of the interaction bc of something recently

[bunkoos-mole-enthusiast]

Weekly Jungkook Fanfic Recs

Some fine JK fics for your reading pleasure. 🔞 Please show your appreciation to all the wonderful authors:)

Practice: You usually spend Friday nights on your own. Tonight, however, your friend and campus fuckboy, Jungkook, decides to pay you a visit. https://www.tumblr.com/chryblossomjjk/692422150298140672/practice-jjk Imagine: Jungkook wants nothing more than to spend your anniversary cuddled up in a fancy hotel bathroom, eating takeout and binge watching tv shows. you, on the other hand, have something more exciting in mind. https://www.tumblr.com/chryblossomjjk/690342551816929280/imagine-jjk Dumbo: You know what they say about boys with big noses… https://cinnaminsvga.tumblr.com/post/617392866169372672/dumbo-jungkook-m A Nyul: Giving in to your rabbit hybrid Jungkook sexually was never part of your plan. He was supposed to be a companion and nothing more. He wore you down eventually and as a hybrid owner you are responsible for the health of your companion right? https://cocotaetae13.tumblr.com/post/706188075311759360/a-ny%C3%BAl Chasing Shadows: Your job gets you into trouble sometimes. Who would have thought crime journalism would put so many targets on your back? But, it’s happening again, someone’s threatening you. Only, this time, it’s not just you that’s in the crosshairs. Your best friend, Enola, is out on assignment and can’t help like she usually does. So, what does she do instead? She sends her brother, Jungkook, armed with a magic bag, a charming smile, and deductive reasoning skills that prove his worth as one of the best PIs around. https://www.tumblr.com/colormepurplex2/704207339679580160/chasing-shadows-jungkook-x-freader-modern On Wings Of Mist & Memories: You’re a Psion—disguised Field Scribe—of the Golden Kingdom of Bolas, attached to the Front Wing Infantry. After an ambush from the sky rips down the safe walls around you, you find yourself at the mercy of a brutal man, his dragon, and his shadows. https://www.tumblr.com/colormepurplex2/725131542223093760/on-wings-of-mist-memories-jjk

Tryst: An old friend visits to spend the day with you and boyfriend Jungkook. That night, smut ensues. https://4joonkookie.tumblr.com/post/671213340397355008/tryst Tamed: JK is a brat tamer (and you’re the brat), OR you’re in your feelings and Jungkook fucks you till you’re out of them. https://4joonkookie.tumblr.com/post/668597010994167808/tamed

Make You Mine: Alphas might rule the world, but Jungkook finds himself being ruled by the need to make you his. Omegas are rare, precious, and pliant. At least, most are. When you present late, well into your twenties, you’re already set in your headstrong ways; a challenge even for a commanding alpha like Jungkook. Add to that the centuries-long feud between your families and the last thing anyone expected was for him to claim you as his soulmate. https://colormepurplex2.tumblr.com/post/700874629265440768/make-you-mine-jjk Now I'm Yours: Jungkook is terrible at feelings. He’s possessive, reckless, and most definitely an Alphahole; you were once his sworn enemy for a reason. But, after he claimed you as his mate during your designation celebration, how do you even begin to navigate the dark waters of such a precarious relationship? Especially when there is darkness creeping over the horizon, threatening to blanket your world in permanent shadow. https://colormepurplex2.tumblr.com/post/742077527315644416/now-im-yours-jjk

[chiacanwritesometimes]

casual (part 1)

⋆⁺₊⋆ ☀︎ ⋆⁺₊⋆

ship: bucky barnes x reader

word count: 1.2k

authors note: this was a little hard to write, as i had to delve into the reserves of my own experiences, so this hits a little close to home. i will be updating soon! unedited. there is soft smut and mentions of homophobia. this whole series is about situationships, so dni if this triggers anything or makes you uncomfortable. please do not get into anything you do not feel comfortable doing, and know that you are loved and should not settle for less. my dm’s are always open. much love, and enjoy.

===========

your pov

you didn’t blame him. he wasn’t really in the best of mentalities for a relationship, so it must’ve meant a lot for him to choose you. or, at least, not push you away.

after losing his best friend, he decided he should lay low. if he didn’t get close with anyone, he would get hurt. except you. always, except you.

you would come over to his bleak apartment, and chat for a bit. occasionally, you’d bring him some food. you’d write down the events in your journal, rereading them time and time again to feel closer to him. you knew he didn’t want you, or rather, want you the way you needed him to. he was still stuck, mourning the loss of his best friend, and…lover. but he was gone, and you were right here. why wouldn’t he pick you? you weren’t terrible looking, and you weren’t … terrible in bed either. what was so utterly unappealing in you? you wrote in your journal. maybe in your thoughts, you’d find the answer.

entry 1:

it was 2 in the morning when i came over. the clock keeps ticking longer each time i go, and im hoping that one of these nights you’ll ask me to stay. you never do. i dont like the way i manage to say everything that’s on my mind when im with you. i think that one day, ill let you read all this, but for now, its just mine. i want to not like you, so badly. i get so nervous around you, my chest tightens, my lips curl inward, my eyes dodge yours, my hands are occupied with my sweater, and my heart beats speeding up by the second. i usually am more eloquent and organized with my words and feelings, but today was so frustrating. i can’t look into your eyes when we fuck, because i know that through mine you look for him. your eyes attack mine. your eyes are unkind, your eyes are bitter. your hands hold me, wishing i was someone else. your lips softly graze against mine, hoping that you’d catch a glimpse of what it would be like if it was him instead.

you picked up your pen, and sighed. that was enough angst for tonight. you still had his sweat on your skin to wash off.

he wasn’t evil, just in a confusing situation. you convinced yourself that if you were in his shoes, you would probably do the same. it still didn’t take away from the pain, though. you liked him best when you were the sole focus on his attention, and when he told you pretty things. you got a sick sense of comfort when he squirmed under your gaze. he knew what he was doing wasn’t right, but cmon. he must have had some sort of clue if he felt guilty.

his pov

you had just left his apartment on a sour note. it wasn’t uncommon for that to happen. he would send you a text, saying he was sorry, you’d respond, and the cycle would repeat again. it was almost comical how long it has been since you two had been at this. he had put himself in an awkward situation again, but he wasn’t sure if it was an uncomfortable one. the last time he was in a one sided relationship was with… it wasn’t a relationship, at least not by technicality. sure, they slept together, spent time together, cried together, but he knew deep down his heart belonged to peggy. he wasn’t jealous, but a part of him wondered what would have happened if he was honest with his feelings. hes sure nothing would have changed, as it would have been extremely controversial for america’s sweetheart to have a sweetheart of his own, let alone a male one. he felt like a kept secret, a promise that one day, things will be different. they never were.

now, with you, things were different. he felt the need to shield himself from the world, but it wasn’t because homosexuality wasn’t accepted, rather because he wasn’t. his mere existence was hated by many, for who he was, who he hurt. the winter soldier, although gone, still haunted him.

he didn’t want to hurt you. being close with you would mean that you’d have to take care of him, something he hardly ever did, so why should you? other than aftercare, he wouldn’t let his guard down when you were near. he was afraid that he would be right, and you wouldn’t give a shit about him, worried that you just wanted him for his body, like them. he didn’t like thinking of you that lowly, but after a life like his, it was bound to happen.

he sighed, and grabbed his phone. he texted you a small apology, silently cursing himself for continuing this cycle. he threw his phone on the couch and sighed. he got up, walked to the kitchen and made himself a small breakfast. the morning didn’t start just yet, but might as well start the day now.

your pov

you couldnt hate him. you loved the way he loved you, the way you came undone with his touch. his scent was addicting, and you were obsessed with the way he tucked your hair behind your ear, the way he breathed heavily under the sheets, the way he held you so gently when pumping inside you. you thought of this morning, and sighed.

you got his text, and smiled. “miss you. door’s open. bb.” you found it adorable how he typed in short sentences, and finished each message in “bb”, for “bucky barnes”, as if you didn’t know it was him. you dressed yourself casually. nothing too fancy, nothing too drab. you wore a small amount of perfume, just enough so his bedsheets smelled like you. you wore your favorite lingerie, knowing that romance was out of the picture. this was just a fuck, a quick connection between two people before the knowledge of knowing you will never be his overcame you. you showed up to his apartment, and he opened the door. you didn’t even need to knock, he knew you were there. he smiled.

“you look beautiful.”

you walked in, and he started kissing you. you always wore a low cut tank top, and he always lingered on the straps of your shirt. he’d bite it, almost whining that the small piece of fabric was in between him and your body. he led you to the couch, and let you straddle him. he removed your pants, complimenting the way they hugged your hips while doing so. you got on top of him, loving how almost natural it felt, how perfectly you fit on top of him. his favorite part to leave hickeys was in the sweet spot of your neck. he kissed over the healed bruise, evidence of the last time you came over to his place.

you went to bed. might as well catch some sleep before the morning came.

[asteroidzzzn]

stargirl | part 4

pairing: leadsinger!ellie x bassist!reader

warnings: cursing, smoking, drinking, eventual sexual themes, ellies still closed off, reader is ridiculously delulu for a while, kinda angst im so sorry

songs in this chapter: do i wanna know - arctic monkeys

word count: 2.1k

a/n: i put my whole asterussy into this. also changed the pairing thing bc reader made a bit of a career change

summary: now that you're officially a the fireflies bassist, you're going on tour, where trouble will be looking for you.

it all arrived sooner than you thought it would. sooner than you were prepared for. you were told you were given twenty five to thirty minutes to get up on stage, sing some songs, and leave. you had good songs prepared, and you would practice all night in the hotel room before you performed.

seemed simple enough, right?

it was only a stadium nearly sold out by ten thousand people, maybe even more. and worst of all, you would have to sing. you had wished there was a contract you signed after joining the band, saying there was no way in hell you would sing in front of an audience, let alone a song you wrote.

but your mouth failed you when ellie asked you to be the one to sing the duet with her. yes was the only answer you could manage. for some reason, you felt a bit more at ease when you noticed the flash of a smile on her face your words caused.

you were getting used to ellie. you knew nothing about her past, but to be fair, she knew nothing about yours. it was surface level for the most part, except for...

you couldn't stop thinking about the journal. her songs. the trust she must have had in you. the lyrics. it made your head spin when you lingered on the memory. her masked grins, the blush hidden under her freckled cheeks, the way she sounded when she laughed gently, and how you had thought about bottling it up and selfishly keeping it just to yourself.

the way you had learned so much in that one night, yet so little. there were embarrassing instances where you would upset ellie by doing something so ordinary, such as complimenting her tattoo, and asking who did it. dina would pull you aside, muttering that "it's not about you, she's just having a bad day."

she never brought up the night when you shared your songs with each other. by the next morning, it was back to the tolerating sort of distance that was safe enough and never changing.

she treated you like a coworker.

༊*·˚

you were in the car, headphones in your ears playing a calming melody while you were half asleep. jesse rested with one hand on the wheel as dina curled up in the passenger seat, trying to get some sleep as well. ellie tapped a rhythm on her thighs and whistled a soft tune.

you yawned quietly and shifted around, pulling your blanket higher up to your neck. you made sure to keep distance between you and ellie. back in june, you found out the hard way that ellie didn't quite appreciate physical touch as much as the average person.

she mumbled something you didn't understand with your headphones in. apparently, the blanket had shifted off her lap when you tugged it towards yourself on the other side of the car.

her hand ghosted over your neck, leading up to your ear, sending harsh chills down your spine. your gaze shot to hers when she pulled one of the buds out of your year, and leaned closer to your face to whisper.

"don't steal the blanket, it's freezing."

you scoffed and paused your music. "is that really what you woke me up to say?"

"well, yeah. do you want me to die of hypothermia?"

"you'll live. and i'm not stealing it, because it's mine," you said, turning your head away to face the car door.

"oh, that's my bad. i thought it was your little sisters or something. cause, y'know," she said under her breath, but you caught it.

"i'll have you know, people of any age can own a disney blanket."

"whatever you say, princess."

your eyes widened against the blanket. you attempted to level your voice.

"saying shit like that will have you dying of hypothermia," you teased back over your shoulder.

"wait, no, actually. i'm really cold," she huffed out air in amusement, and promptly shivered.

you let out a heavy sigh. "okay, fine," you adjusted to sit in the middle seat, avoiding looking at her entirely as your thighs pressed together, but she didn't seem phased.

your head fell back against the headrest. you watched the stars fly by through the sunroof until sleep found you once more.

about an hour later, the car hit a bump. immediately after, jesse hissed, throwing a hushed, "sorry, guys!" towards the backseat.

your heads flew forward. you winced at the harsh awakening and glanced to your right. ellie had twisted to have her torso leaning on yours, as her head rested on your shoulder.

your breath hitched. she woke up quickly and pressed her hands on the seat to sit up, distancing herself from you.

you opened your mouth. an apology, maybe? your mouth closed. your gaze remained on ellie's. her expression was unreadable, but you could tell she was exhausted.

her voice was smaller than you had ever heard it when she finally spoke up.

"...just...for..."

you barely registered her breaths as words. her touch was light. she settled back into the position with her head on your shoulder.

you didn't dare say a word.

༊*·˚

you checked into the hotel at four in the morning, the next day. you were barely conscious of what you were doing, where you were going. dina handled the logistics, as she was the only one who had gotten enough sleep to be functioning at the early hour.

you trudged into the room. it was beautiful and spacious. two large beds were lined up on the left wall, a sliding glass door that led to a balcony with chairs and plants, a coffee table, a television, two closets, and a bathroom, with a shower and a bathtub.

while hauling your belongings onto the first bed you saw, dina explained that she and jesse would leave the door between the neighboring rooms unlocked in case you or ellie needed anything.

if it weren't four in the morning, you would have come up with a quick excuse to switch rooms. to not be stuck with ellie for a week straight, sleeping just a few feet apart.

unfortunatly for you, you nodded and let her slip away. the door clicked shut.

sheets rustling behind you and crickets chirping were the only two noises to be heard. you saw ellie had slung her suitcase on the bed and begun unpacking her clothing to fold them into her bedside drawer.

if it weren't four in the morning, you would have made a quip at her, something along the lines of, "you don't look like someone that folds their clothes so neatly."

there were a lot of things you would have done differently if it weren't four in the morning.

you stole a glance at her, that lasted a moment too long. she caught your eyes, and stared back. you said nothing. a silent agreement, that the events of this night, as well, would be left to be forgotten. never mentioned again. a secret. your secret.

it was a sudden, uncharacteristically timid habit you and ellie found yourselves doing.

glimpses hidden. the pointless acts of kindness, because one of you happened to remember a small detail. just by chance. nervous hands stilled by another pair. and there was nothing more. it meant nothing, you would tell yourself. there were just two hands searching for warmth, finding each other under tables, out of view.

there weren't jokes between the two of you. teases that could be interpreted in a way that meant things were real.

maybe this was just an act of convenience. maybe she did this with anderson, too. maybe you weren't all that special, or all that different.

but you couldn't deny the way she made you feel. so special, and so noticed.

on friday night, the four of you were huddled on the floor.

"you good, man?" jesse nudged you with his bottle, and took a swig. he passed it back to you.

you nodded with your eyes screwed shut due to the taste of the alcohol. you swallowed.

"i'm nervous. i haven't sung in so long, and i've never been in front of an audience this big. i'm terrified, actually," you said, your head beginning to buzz. your hand raised for you to take a large sip, but ellie caught your arm.

"hey, easy up on that. can't be hungover on stage."

"don't act like you care that much," you said, a pent-up hint of rage in your voice. you were angry at her. you were angry at her for being able to be so kind sometimes, yet so distant and strange, and everything else without a single explanation. but you needed to stop. before the alcohol urged you to say things that were meant to be unsaid. ellie's tongue poked her cheek as her eyebrows furrowed.

she ignored your comment. "we should practice the bridge of do i wanna know."

"i just need to get some sleep," you mumbled, pushing against the floor to stand up, but she dragged you right back down by your shirt. her tone became stern.

"we're practising. i won't let you get up there and embarrass me tomorrow. you said you were ready for this, so act like it," she emphasized her words with points directly at your chest.

"fine," you spat, digging into the pile of sheets scattered around for the song. ellie plugged in her guitar, and flipped a few switches.

"what are you doing?"

"i said we're practicing, so i'm making sure the guitar actually makes noise. for the song. songs kind of need music, if you didn't know. fuck else would i be doing, smartass? you always this insufferable when you're drunk?"

"i'm not drunk." you had to bite back a meaner response. in your peripheral, dina and jesse shared confused looks.

dina patted jesse's leg. "hey, we're pretty tired, and i think we've done enough preparing for tonight. see you guys in the morning," she gestured for jesse to stand up as well, who said a quick goodbye.

and shut the door.

"ready?" ellie glanced at you through her eyebrows.

you nodded, and she tapped her guitar, muttering five, six, seven, eight.

she was nearly whispering the lyrics. you inaudibly cleared your throat, and began to sing. you echoed along in a breathy, light tone when the song called for it, although most of the song flowed as a conversation between you and ellie.

it ended as quickly as it started, with one final strum, followed by silence. ellie set the guitar on the floor, and set her hands in the now empty space in her lap. her mouth opened hesitantly.

"that wasn't bad—"

"i'm heading to bed—"

the two of you spoke simultaneously. you stood up in a rush. you stared at her for a moment, then turned into the bathroom. you cleaned up and changed into your pyjamas.

you stared at the ceiling. your eyes found ellie, who was settling into bed herself. her body was turned away from you.

"...i'm sorry," you whispered.

ellie's head turned over her shoulder.

"why?"

"for being a bitch."

she snickered at that, and shifted so you both lay on your sides, facing each other from opposite sides of the room. she remained quiet, which urged you to go on.

"i'm terrified, ellie. i shouldn't have taken my fear out on you. you're right. i did say i was ready for this. but it's still...difficult. i don't want to disappoint you guys," you whispered as low as possible, with a sliver of a tremble in your voice.

her gaze softened. a minute passed. your ears rang from the silence. since you didn't have anything more to tell her, and she seemed to have no response, you flipped to face the dark wall, and shut your eyes. a tear slipped through your eyelashes. you made no attempt to rub it from your cheek. or the rest of the tears that began dropping, for that matter.

"goodnight," you said.

the opposite bed creaked. the wood under your own creaked. you felt her body beside you. she wouldn't touch you, she only laid there. maybe she waited for you to say it was okay. you moved to rest on your back, with your face near hers.

your eyes fell on each feature on her face. studying her. searching for something.

"goodnight," she whispered, inching dangerously closer to you.

you held your breath. you felt her own on your nose.

"tell me to leave, and i will."

"no," you shook your head weakly.

you grabbed her hand and flipped to face away from her. you placed her arm around your waist, and settled into her hold. her face nestled into your neck.

you took a deep breath, and fell asleep.

in the morning, you woke up not beside ellie, but an imprint on the mattress.

a/n: bleeeeh :p xD ☆*: .｡. o(≧▽≦)o .｡.:*☆ i promise this does have a happy ending it will get there eventually i just needed some angst 🙏

taglist: @ximtiredx @gold-dustwomxn @elliesinterlude

also ill just tag some people that have commented on any of the earlier parts, so comment if u guys wanna be on the permanent taglist! :3

tags: @cassharass @lunarpretty @emluvselandabs @inf3ct3dd

[ribbonssmoon]

⁺‧₊˚ ཐི⋆🩰✩🎧⋆ཋྀ ˚₊‧⁺

𝓌ℯ𝓁𝒸ℴ𝓂ℯ 𝓉ℴ 𝓂𝓎 𝒷𝓁ℴ𝑔

hello you!! now that you are part of my digital footprint, this is my presentation of who I am so im no longer a mystery for you...

im a teenage girl. my uniques jobs are girlrooter and girlblogger. im an infp, aka the og awkward person who doesn't love being the center of attention... i mostly attract the stars, and the moon follows me every night. i try to romanticize every day of my unique and only life. I choose to stay alone. my unique religion is the lana cult. music is my drug, specially shoegaze and dream pop. you will always find me carry a book with me. I live for girl in pieces, my year of rest and relaxation and violet bent backwards over the grass. im a sofia coppola child, so yes, my favorite movie is the virg!n suic3des, but also... i believe in unicorns, the white oleander, the craft, call me by your name, twilight and dead poets society. you'll have 99% of chance to find me either journaling or stargazing. on this blog i mostly post photos of my life, thoughts, pieces of poetry from my mother lana or whatever idea that comes in my mind. if you want to follow me on my other platforms, this is your ticket (just click on it!)

my tiktok

my pinterest

my spotify

my airbuds

my goodreads

my letterboxd

don't hesitate to ask me something or dm me for anything or if you struggle with something we all are Mothers Nature childs after all...

ps : IF YOURE A WEIRD CREEP DIRTY MAN LEAVE US THE FUCK ALONE

little peaks of my aesthetic photos... (all our mines)

[calcitedraws]

FENS DIARY

Tw: Mentions of death, suicide, depression, brief mentions of sexuality and Fen being generally sort of creepy and trying to rationionalize it.

Around 2,300 words

This was supposed to be a few entries and I got too invested lol and I use y/n because I'm old school. Also when Fen says 'Im not a girl' that isn't indicating a bio or gender identity I was just including the fact that they're nonbinary.

November 17th

I haven't written in a while, eh? After… what happened I sort of shut down for a while. Even now I want to shut down, but my dad always said I should face things head on. Ok, as my therapist used to say: if I don't know how to word something I should just say it as plainly as I can to get started.

I'm in pain.

I can't sleep I can't eat and I can't fucking breathe. The only person making sure I have a moderately healthy sleep/wake cycle is Dandelion, and even then he doesn't seem to mind if I sleep on the couch all day as long as he's fed.

I'm packing to head down to the funeral and I came by my journal. I don't even know why I'm doing this. This is fucking stupid.

I'm scared of seeing them. I haven't seen my mom or siblings in… 5 odd years? I never even came out to them. I'll have to explain so much that I'm just not in the goddamn mood to. I don't even think they want to see me. Dad told me that once they figured out the whole situation that they didn't take it well.

Dandelion keeps curling up in my suitcase. If he behaved better in crates, I'd bring my little man with. But he chews on the bars and yowls, so I'm leaving him at one of those pet boarding places.

November 19th

I don't want to go tomorrow. I'm sitting here at this shitty hotel desk that's sticky in this shitty hotel room that smells like booze and mothballs. There's a weird mark on the carpet and I can't decide if it's old blood or a shit stain. Either way it's suspiciously big. The people in the other room keep having really loud and bad sounding sex, all the damn time. Like, literally, their headboard is apparently against the same spot as mine, because the thumping keeps me awake. I tried to move my bed and found another stain that I'm convinced is blood. I put the bed back and slept on the tiny couch in the room. I'm pretty sure there's bedbugs on every fabric surface.

OH MY GOD THOSE TWO ASSHATS ARE HAVING SEX AGAIN!!! WHY ARE THEY BLASTING THAT ONE SONG FROM SHREK 2 I HATE THIS HOTEL

November 20

I'm just sitting here. At this sticky desk again. I don't think I can do this. It's 3:30 AM and I can't go back to sleep. Waiting for my sleeping meds to kick in.

My therapist always said that the best time to journal about something is when it's the hardest to think about.

I wish I had someone. I like to think soulmates exist. Maybe Dad was right and that's all horse shit. Maybe I should just throw myself into oncoming traffic instead of going to his funeral.

I've been paying more attention to cars recently. Funny how many look like my dad's.

I think the meds are kicking in? No clue, maybe I'm just too angry to think.

—---------------

It's 8:10 AM and I need to leave in 20 minutes.

I've decided to go, because I owe it to him. I think I'd hate myself more if I didn't go.

What do I even do if I see my mom again? Is she even my mom? Am I allowed to wave if she spots me? Will she even recognize me. I can recognize her. I've been cyber talking her Facebook. Her husband and her just got back from a weekend trip to the Bahamas.

I haven't dared look for my siblings. I miss Sherry.

Had to take a minute to reign myself in.

I'm glad my aunt (my dad's sister) took care of the funeral prep. Shes nice. Haven't talked to her in a half a decade, I should send a nice letter after the funeral.

The thought of coming back to that house alone is killing me. No more face times. No more random phone calls. No more sending him pictures of weird stuff Dandelion did.

I need to head out soon. My hair is greasy. My eyes hurt. I look like shit. But I have to go.

I forgot to charge my phone last night but there should be enough juice in it to get me there and back. Don't know where I'm headed since I've never been here. My dad said I wouldn't like where he lived because it's crowded. Maybe I can just throw myself into oncoming traffic after.

—----------------

I think I met an angel.

I got lost after the funeral and my phone died. I started crying in the middle of the side walk like some fucking weirdo when I spotted them.

They were so cute, in their cozy sweater and jeans. They asked what was wrong and I said I was lost and that my phone died.

They actually lead me back to the hotel! Apparently they live here in the city too but near the outskirts. I never got their name, I'm such a fucking idiot.

I've always felt like there's been a wall between me and other people. But with them… I didn't feel that. I felt I had known them all my life.

Shit, here I am rambling about someone I just met after going to my dad's funeral.

It was awkward. Like, painfully awkward. No one approached me. My dad's funeral was closed casket, which all things considered, makes sense. But I felt like if I opened that casket it'd be empty. It was a weird feeling.

I didn't know any of his friends and only Sherry showed up to the funeral. I don't know why but that somehow made everything worse. Sherry couldn't even look at me. I didn't stick around long afterwards. She looks so different from when I last saw her (why did she go blonde?) but I recognized her instantly.

I'm packing up to head home. I technically don't need to go until tomorrow but the longer I stay here the more I feel the need to itch the back of my throat with a shotgun. At least at home I can cry into Dandelions fluffy belly.

January 8th

—------------------

Guess who's forced me out of rotting in my bed? My boss threatening to fire me if I don't log on and do my job!

A fair point, but fuck him anyway.

I said I'd log on today and he seemed satisfied.

So here I am instead, procrastinating. I can't keep my eyes open for very long. I mean, I logged on and have been reading meeting notes. That's progress.

Dandelion has been very accommodating with allowing me to randomly pick him up and cry loudly into his fur.

Oh! I found a new cat! Her name is Queenie and she's a little black cat. I found her right outside the hotel I was staying at before the funeral. I thought she had that lethal cat bloat I had heard about, but she was just really pregnant! Like, ready to pop pregnant. She gave birth on Christmas and now I have a small army of tiny black and orange kittens! I woke up to 6 of them on Christmas morning. They're all so small and cute and they won't stop meowing very very loudly. I got Queenie spayed as quickly as I could afterwards.

Queenie warmed up to my quickly despite being a stray. I named her that because she's a little diva. The amount of times I had to separate her and Dandelion from fighting over mutually favorited spots is well, embarrassing since these are two adults. But now? Queenie just lays on top of Dandelion and he seems to enjoy it.

Why am I jealous of two cats?

January 15th

—----------------

Oh my God I found them. The person who saved me and lead me back to the hotel, I found them!

Ok, so, I'm a penetration tester, which means I hack into systems. It's boring so I never talk about it. But, the job we were handed made us pen test a random hospital and I found them! They went in for a checkup recently and I found their data while spelunking! I took a picture of their government ID before I could stop myself.

I can't believe I found them! I clicked on a random name because I liked the way it looked and it leads me right to them! I know it's them, because the ID card looks like them and says they live near where they said they did.

I've been looking at our star signs. I also found their social media and they're so chatty! I think they just think their friends are watching because they post sporadically. I scrolled through everything I could find during my lunch break.

Oh my God I sound insane. This is insane and totally illegal. I need to step back and calm down.

January 25th

—----------

I tried!! Couldn't step back couldn't calm down. I've been cyber talking a stranger for like, a week now.

But I've come to a revelation: I'm very greasy. I haven't showered in… no clue to be honest. I only realized because I accidentally leaned against the sliding glass door and my head left a strong imprint on the glass.

I haven't changed my bedsheets in a while either. Or vacuumed, or cleaned the kitchen, or swept the patio. So instead of any of that I have spent the entire afternoon paralyzed on the couch in sustained fear. Dandelion has joined me.

February 4th

—----------------

I finally got fed up of being greasy and took an actual shower instead of sitting under the water staring at the floor and disassociating for like, half an hour. The sheer amount of dead skin I scrubbed off is embarrassing.

*Y/n* (the name of my angel) talked about spring cleaning early online. They even have the link to their favorite songs to listen to while cleaning. I recognize some of the songs but most of them are new to me. Maybe if I listen to the playlist it'll make me want to clean?

Update: It did. Managed to clean the kitchen and living room before getting tired. Maybe I should start working out again…?

Feb 14th

—-------------

Y/n is single! (Very good information to know)

When I clean I just put y/n’s play list on and I'm suddenly full of energy.

I think it eases the loneliness. I miss my dad.

Feb 20th

—--------------

I've discovered something about myself that I can't unlearn. I think I have a praise kink?? I was watching my favorite show with Dandelion and one of the characters that kind of looks y/n said ‘good girl' to the main character and. I got so horny I had to pause the show and sit in silence. I'm not even a girl. What the fuck just happened? I think the cats know because they've been staring at me judgementally all afternoon.

March 1st

—-------------

Lasagna is my enemy.

April 29th

—------------

It was my dad's birthday yesterday. He would've been 46 today.

I sort of shut down for the entire month, again. House is a fucking mess. Only think I can manage is taking care of the cats, who don't seem to mind the mess.

I just wish I had someone. The house is pretty quiet. Sometimes I put the TV on to avoid how quiet it is. I miss talking to my dad, about literally anything. The weather, what my cats were up to, about my dad's new girlfriend of the week, literally anything. I miss how funny he was. I remember when I was in secondary school how him and I would watch TV every Friday night and eat Mac n cheese from the box.

May 1st

—--------------

I think I'm in love with y/n?? Is that a thing you can do? I had a dream we went on a date to a coffee shop and then we went home and made dinner and I kept making them laugh and smile and when I woke up I just burst out sobbing. I literally couldn't calm down for who knows how long.

But I want something like that! I want it so badly! I want to make them dinner while they talk with me! I want to cozy up to them on the couch while watching a movie! I want to hear them breathe next to me at night!

So I might've done something maybe unethical. I located their IP Address. Which isn't bad since I already know their physical address and their safe with me and it's not like it's illegal to find it!

May 10th

—------

So I did something stupid. I did something really fucking stupid I hacked into their email. All it took was a phishing scheme and bam, I was in. And Lord knows how everything is connected to emails nowadays. I'm a criminal now. I've been reading their emails for like, three hours. I mean… the government can like totally see your emails so it's not that big of a deal?? Right???

Oh my God I'm a criminal now!

But I'm learning so much!

May 18th

—-----

The time has come. Queenies kittens have all found new homes, I can't have all these cats in the house. But I kept my favorite kitten; Cali, the little calico. Short of Hotel California, My dad's favorite song.

Cali is a menace against society. He's chewn through wires, eaten pillows, and I've had to take him to the vet twice for eating batteries. I don't think another family can handle him.

I like to think he gets this from Dandelion, who despite being well over ten years old still chews on wooden furniture.

June 19th

—-------

I've been trying to find a way to say this that doesn't sound bad. But like, I literally can't? So I'll just say it.

I broke into y/n’s phone.

I'm not doing anything bad! I just want to see what they're up to! I won't use this to hurt them so it isn't bad, is it?

I've been watching them play candy crush for 45 minutes. They're bad at candy crush but something about that is so cute! I've downloaded candy crush. Maybe I can play the same levels at the same time as them…?

I've also been eating meals with them. They watch stuff on their phone as they eat and I've started eating at a regular schedule again. But their diet sucks so much?? Why the fuck are they eating gas station sushi so often? I'm scared they'll get worms!!

July 1st

—----------

What if my cats tell me neighbor I got high???

July 2nd

—----------

So um, I tried edibles for the first time yesterday. You'll never guess how it went.

Anyways, high me decided that cleaning the entire house was their sole mission. Thank you, high me.

July 19th

—---------

I finally gathered the courage to go into my old room.

I only had the attic room because everyone had their own rooms and I was sick of sharing with Sherry. So, my dad fixed up the attic and gave that room to me for my 10th birthday. When everyone left, I took over Sherry's old room. Mom only left the mattress and headboard, so it didn't feel like Sherry's anymore. All that's left is the thumbtacks from her old posters.

Anyway, my old room is just how I left it. Dusty, but the same. I even found Howie, my old plushie! I took all of Howie's stuffing out and it's in the wash right now, but they still have the old lavender satchet I put in them. I don't know what to replace it with, to be honest.

[tbosassocialsandhcs]

Loving the little interactions between Clemmie and Coryo with each other and everyone else poking fun at him 💕💕

would he ever spiral if Clemmie posted a bunch of pics with one of them featuring another male friend?

oh absolutely, if he didn't know their dynamic

like festus? he knows he's not 'competition' so he's like whatever

but someone like Apollo or Androcles or someone like that, he'd be like "who's that?" "why were they there?" "what's your correlation to him?"

and that's what inspired this post!

enjoy!

(I really went off the rails with this one. i think i got partially possessed. i was also not fully locked in since i have heathers the musical soundtrack playing in the background. welp!)

Clemmie_dove

Clemmie_dove recently I guess!

also, thank you, Gaius, for the journal! you didn't need to get me a gift for our assignment though 🫶🏽

liked by baiusgreen, lyssie_vickers, and others

Snowlandsontop you did the assignment with Gaius? we're class partners though.

Clemmie_dove @ Snowlandsontop Satyria said she wanted to switch up our pairings, we were getting to 'cliquey' apparently

Snowlandsontop @ Clemmie_dove okay? what does that even mean? 'cliquey' okay? that's how school works.

Clemmie_dove @ Snowlandsontop don't complain to me, take it up with Satyria

baiusgreen no I insist, you carried most of it anyway, and it was nothing, don't worry!

Clemmie_dove @ baiusgreen if you're sure... ❤️❤️

Snowlandsontop @ Clemmie_dove what's with the hearts?

Snowlandsontop why are you walking so close with Gaius in the 3rd photo?

arachnexcrane omg it was so crazy seeing you party with us this week

Clemmie_dove @ arachnexcrane I can't do it again, but Gaius suggested trying a thing of each other's during the period of working on our assignment. he tried my fav cafe!

arachnexcrane @ Clemmie_dove no 😭😭 you need to come again

Snowlandsontop @ Clemmie_dove you partied with Gaius? and you took him to the cafe on the corner of hope block?

Snowlandsontop why are your faces so close together in the last photo?

Snowlandsontop Clemmie, answer my messages.

F3stus_Cr33d @ Snowlandsontop oh boy's crashing out over this

vipippy_sickle these last 2 weeks have been so good for you

Clemmie_dove @ vipippy_sickle thank you!! I've felt so relaxed and free

vipippy_sickle @ Clemmie_dove I can tell! also, are we hanging out again this weekend?

Clemmie_dove @ vipippy_sickle yeesss

F3stus_Cr33d Clem, Coryo is tweaking tf out rn.

Snowlandsontop @ F3stus_Cr33d I am not "tweaking tf out rn."

F3stus_Cr33d @ Snowlandsontop you messaged me "I think she's with Gaius. I'm gonna castrate him. do you think they" and the message ended there but I can guess what you meant

tiggy_snowy coryo just threw up then pointed to this post open on his phone as the reason, can someone explain?

F3stus_Cr33d clem, okay, did you die? you're letting coryo suffer alone. he just started rocking back and forth in the fetal position at my doorstep. should I let him in, guys?

arachnexcrane @ F3stus_Cr33d I vote no

livi_poppy @ F3stus_Cr33d I second arachne's vote

Clemmie_dove @ F3stus_Cr33d I JUST GOT BACK ON MY PHONE WTF IS HAPPENING

F3stus_Cr33d @ Clemmie_dove you and gaius, smash? yes or no? to confirm Coriolanus’ thoughts or ease his mind

Clemmie_dove @ F3stus_Cr33d WHAT!?@? NO. OMG. NO EW. (no offence gaius)

baiusgreen @ Clemmie_dove none taken

Clemmie_dove @ F3stus_Cr33d I WOULD NEVER. WHY IS CORYO IN A FIT!?!?

Snowlandsontop @ Clemmie_dove YOU LEFT ME ON READ ALL DAY. YOU DID YOUR ASSIGNMENT WITH HIM. IM YOUR CLASSPARTNER. YOURE MINE. MY CLASS PARTNER. WTF CLEMMIE.

Clemmie_dove @ Snowlandsontop YOU DONT OWN ME, CORYO. WHAT THE HELL!? WE ARENT DATING.

arachnexcrane @ F3stus_Cr33d I want my 50 bucks in cash.

F3stus_Cr33d @ arachnexcrane 🙄🙄🙄

Snowlandsontop @ F3stus_Cr33d @ arachnexcrane ??? 🤨😐

arachnexcrane @ Snowlandsontop I had 50 bucks on you crashing out over clemmie and another guy

F3stus_Cr33d @ Snowlandsontop she had 50 bucks on you crashing out

Snowlandsontop @ F3stus_Cr33d @ arachnexcrane and you both are proud of that?

arachnexcrane @ Snowlandsontop and you're okay with publicly crashing out over a girl youre obsessed with (who I'm pretty is a lesbian) just because she was with another guy for what? 2 business weeks?

[a-mel0n]

This stupid "Your Name" Bucktommy AU won't leave my brain, and while I don't have enough faith in my writing skills to actually write the damn thing (and it would be my first fanfic... ever?? and that's a project that seems a bit too big for me lmao), I DID write down what I'm picturing some of the "rules" Buck and Tommy have for each other while in the other's body. Mostly just for fun. (Because Tommy would be switching in 2006, the iPhone does not exist yet, so all of his notes are written in an actual physical journal. All of Buck's notes would be on the Notes app of his phone)

TOMMY: 1) Evan, stop running into burning buildings when you don’t have to while in my body. If I wake up in a hospital bed for the fifth time this month, I might actually lose it.

its part of the job to save as many ppl as possible. also u don’t even feel the pain when i get injured in ur body.

You’re right, I don’t. Unfortunately, the pain from having a wooden beam fall on you doesn't just magically go away when we swap. Just... be more careful? Please?

fine. i’ll try and keep ur hospital visits to a minimum.

2) Can you stop flirting with people on calls? Or at the very least give them your number and not mine? In the last week alone my contact list has nearly doubled because you keep giving people my number. 

dude its not my fault you’re more popular while i’m you. just think of it as me being ur wingman! how u dont have a girlfriend is beyond me btw. hot chicks love firefighters and ur a good looking dude

Jesus Christ, Evan. For the last time, I’m single by choice.

3) Don’t shower while in my body

already dont

4) Don’t go to the bathroom while in my body 

done

5) In fact, unless you’re at work, don’t change any of my clothes while in my body. 

fair

6) Do you really need to spend so much of my paychecks on cooking supplies? I have enough pots and pans already. 

whats the point of a pantry if its half empty. be thankful ur getting actual food now via my leftovers instead of the utter tragedy that was the state of ur fridge when we first started swapping places.

7) Don’t make a scene while at work. 

your boss sucks ass and his stupid orders are going to get people killed. im not gonna listen to him if hes making bad calls while lives are on the line

Evan.

8) Don’t pick up the phone when my dad calls.

got it

BUCK: 1) quit going to eddie’s basketball pickup games. he keeps inviting me while i’m in my own body and its getting harder and harder to come up with excuses as to why i can’t go. it's kinda awkward.

I thought you’d be more grateful, Evan. You’re the coolest guy on the court when I’m you. 

2) are you making movie references when ur me? bc chim keeps asking when i got so “cultured” and the other day maddie asked when i watched the princess bride. 

You haven’t seen the Princess Bride? I’m leaving you a surprise for tomorrow. Check your couch when you wake up. 

did you spend my OWN money on a dvd??? i don’t even own a dvd player. i own every streaming service imaginable.

3) keep the finger guns to a minimum?? idk why you do them so much but both hen and chim have said smth abt it

4) if u get a call from someone called connor or kameron on my phone just let it go to voicemail its personal stuff and i'll deal with it

Evan, you could have told me you agreed to be a sperm donor yourself. Finding out because Connor and Kameron showed up at the fire house was more of a shock than finding out over these memos would have been. 

they did what?????

5) don’t talk to my parents

Done.

6) No rule about undressing? 

dude idc. i’m not gonna stop you from taking a piss in my body if u need to. as long as you like. don’t have sex with someone while you’re me? oh wait hang on i DO have a rule about undressing

7) DON’T HAVE ANY RANDOM HOOK UPS IN MY BODY. 

Wasn’t planning on it, but good to know. 

[never-enough-novels]

🧚‍♀️ iM a FaiRy ✨🌟🌸💮

Do it Grayson

Prompt: Reader's parents are fighting and they don't wanna be there so they ask Grayson if they can stay over.

Take your time, love

It's finally done bbg

A/n: im sorry if there are any mistakes in this. This was my first time writing anything like this 😭. I tried my best. Really hope you like this. It's also mostly very shit so I'm sorry beforehand

World limit: about 700 words

Tw: argument between parents, blaming yourself about it

Coffee and comfort

They're fighting again

On the same topic again

God I only wish they would just not shout so much. Or if they want to just not infront of me. Each accusation, each word spat to one another felt like it was my fault. I don’t even know why I think its my fault. The air itself was so thick it was suffocating. I tried sleeping it off but the shouting just went on and on and an like it was in my brain. I wanted to cry but couldn’t and it felt like a barb wire in my throat. As I lay on my bed, with the comfort of my favourite playlist playing in the background, the weight of the situation pressed down on me. Hands trembling I decided to call the one person I thought could provide me comfort right now: Grayson.

I reached for my phone, my fingers hesitantly hovering over his contact before pressing call. The phone rang briefly before his warm, familiar voice filled the line.

“Hey, love, everything okay?” Grayson’s voice was tinged with immediate concern.

Hearing his voice again tipped my emotions over the edge. I tried to cover my mouth and not cry so I don’t worry him any further; which obviously turns futile.

“Hamnah what happened? Talk to me love” he asked worriedly

“Can I please come over to your place? Theyre fighting again” I ask as quietly as I can without breaking down after hearing his voice

There was no hesitation on his end, just the comforting certainty of his reply. “Of course, come over. The house feels empty without you anyway.”

Disconnecting the call, I packed a few necessities into a bag, throwing in a book and my journal, knowing well that Grayson’s place was the only place where I could find peace enough to write. The drive over was quick, the familiar streets bathed in the soft glow of the streetlights leading me to his penthouse which was his safe place too.

As soon as he opened the door I was enveloped in a comforting hug which was the best thing in the world. We stayed in that position which felt like hours but could only have been a few minutes.

Grayson, cupping my face up gave me the most gentle kiss on lips and then asked “Are you ok Hamna? Wanna talk about it?”

Shaking my head I said, “I'd really rather not right now”

Nodding his head with a small comforting smile on his face he went into the kitchen while I situated myself on his bed; finally taking a deep breath and letting myself relax.

He comes back and hands me a glass of water and says “You know you’re always welcome here, right? This is as much your home as it is mine,” he said, his voice earnest.

I nodded, my heart swelling with gratitude. “I know, Gray. Thank you. It means everything to me.”

We spent the evening tucked away in his bedroom, watching movies that made us laugh and making me forget the harshness of reality of my home. Grayson held me close, his presence a shield against the outside world. It was moments like these that I was reminded of how much he meant to me,and how we came to be together and him being my boyfriend and safe space.

Later, while cuddling with his arm around my back and my head on chest, listening to heartbeats I decided to speak about what happened.

“I hate that you have to see this side of my life, I never wanted to show you this ” I confessed quietly, the darkness of the room and his presence making it easier for me to express my fears and feelings.

Grayson’s arm tightened around me, pulling me closer. “Hamna, we all have our battles. But you’re not alone in this, okay? I’m here for you, no matter what.” His words, feeling sincere and reassuring, helped the tightening around my cheat and throat.

“I love you, Gray,” I whispered, feeling his kiss on my forehead in response.

“I love you more,” he said back, a line so simple yet profound, promising unspoken vows of support and everything I could wish for.

As I drifted off to sleep, the echo of my parents’ shouting seemed like miles away. Here, in Grayson’s arms, I found more than just a temporary escape; I found a promise of hope and a reminder of his love for me.

[scrollsfromarebornrealm]

desertwalkers--enter Thancred Waters

"Here." The undertaker gawked as a handful of high-domination pel coins filled his hand.

"Ay' Doc! Yer sure you wanna' be spendin' that much on 'im?!"

"If it keeps him from being a haunt, yes. Treat him right, that should cover the cost of everything." And keep the women who'd been sobbing over Tim's body from spending what little they already had, Mathye thought. Though they were really better off without him, in his personal opinion.

"Yer more generous than me, Doc. I'da shoved him into an abandoned crack. But yer right about the haunt bit." The Hhetsarro pocketed the coins. "Lemme just get him off yer hands."

"My thanks." Leaving the undertaker to his work, Mathye headed to his reception area. It'd been a mildly busy morning--more Dustwatch looky-loos to gawk at Tim's corpse, a few company miners with various injuries, and a tribal couple seeking care for their sick child. Hopefully the rest of the day would be quiet. And before he embarked on that, Mathye wanted lunch. But much to his disappointment, there was already someone else in the waiting room.

Someone very annoying.

Mathye crossed his arms.

"Get the fuck out of my waiting room, Waters."

"Has anyone ever told you that your bedside manner is simply horrid?"

"Get out."

"I might be wounded, did you think about that?"

"Are you wounded?"

"No, but--"

"Then get the fuck out." Especially since Thancred was now probably the person of interest in Tim's death, Mathye though. The local supreme asshole/drunk/washed-up bounty hunter had been found dead at the train station just some miles up the road yesterday, run though by some sort of bladed weapon. Only Mathye had the expertise to identify what had killed him, lessons from his time in the military and the expense of keeping up to date on what was happening East-side via medical and scientific journals again proving their weight in gold.

Gunblade. A weapon of the East, making it's proper debut in Xak Tural. The Black Wolf's weapon certainly didn't count, it amounted to nothing more than a toothpick of a sword attached to a gun. Tim had been killed by the real thing, a sword with a gun-like firing chamber. No bullets, only aetherically-charged cartridges that when triggered, not only charged the blade enough that it could slice though almost anything, but also could add magical damage on top of the physical damage. Also, Gaius' toothpick used ceruleum. Gunblades used gunpowder to trigger their firing.

There'd been gunpowder all over Tim and in his injury.

The older Bishop was damn near impossible to deal with. A shame, considering that he was legitimately the only trustworthy doctor for miles around. Thancred let himself slouch back onto the chair seat, meeting Mathye's eyes.

"Please tell me you're not this mean to children."

"Get the fuck out, Waters."

"What if I said I needed one of your kits?" Which wasn't a lie. Mathye sold/gave away first-aid kits on the side, and they were a damn sight better than the Company's offerings--or the sham-bags other 'medical professionals' were offering around the area. Thancred watched as Mathye narrowed his eyes, and he continued.

"Used up what was left of mine out on a job day before yesterday. Ran into some poor sods that'd gotten on the wrong side of Baelsar's lackeys." He gave his best winsome smile as Mathye narrowed his eyes.

"Pay up."

"Now come now, surely you could find it in your heart for a little bit of a discou--" Thancred trailed off at the impending violence in the glare sent his way. "Mayhap I should just hold my tongue while you fix up the kit."

"Mayhap you should." Mathye agreed. He turned to head back into his office, Thancred watching. Soft clinks came from one leg--the metal bracer that the healer used for support. The gunbreaker blew out a breath as he was left alone in the room, a look of exasperation crossing his features.

"Seven hells, should ask one of the others to look into this pair." He muttered, rubbing the back of his neck. The Scions' main point of investigation out here in the wilds was to try and get to the bottom of the strange aetherical occurrences that had been cropping up. And it just so happened that the good town of Stonewood was one of those places where said strange aetherical occurrences were popping up.

Mathye Bishop was one of those occurrences. The best the Scions could classify him was a nascent white mage, but Thancred had never seen or heard of a white mage commanding the forces of plant life like Mathye could. He could make any plant grow out of season, could make seedings sprout to full-growth in a matter of moments, and could even order them to attack or defend. And the plants obeyed him. Thancred cast an eye around the reception room. Plants filled almost every space, all green and healthy. More encircled the building--his eye had caught particular species that were deadly to vampires and other soulkin--all lush, large, ready to take every blue ribbon home should they ever be judged. Even Urianger had been shocked at the pure potency of the plants' aether--and the amount of power that lurked under Mathye's skin.

Augustine Bishop on the other hand...not a single scrap from him. Not to mention he was very protective of Mathye. This was probably the first time Thancred had been able to get close...ish to the healer without the Dustwatch deputy lurking nearby. Thancred looked about the reception area again, this time taking in the too-neat, too precise setup of the plants, furniture, even the certifications hanging up on Mathye's wall.

Ex-military for certain. Even Mathye's posture gave it away. But they normally don't let anyone in with a physical disability like he has...a special dispensation? But if they did that, they'd expect him to stay a while... And now that Thancred was thinking about it, Augustine was certainly ex-military as well.

Something to look into.

The sound of clinking metal warned Thancred that he needed to have his payment ready. Mathye came back into the reception room, holding a small crate.

"Take this and get out." He ordered.

"Have you ever considered hiring someone to deal with your customers first?" Thancred quipped, leaving several pel on the countertop. Then he grunted as the crate got shoved into his chest with considerable force.

"Out."

"And a good day to you too, Doc." The gunbreaker muttered. Turning on a booted heel, he made his way out the front door--and then paused. Augustine Bishop was standing on the clinic's front porch, arms crossed.

"Thancred Waters?"

Seven fucking hells, does he have radar when it comes to his brother?! Thancred forced a amiable smile on his face, shifting the weight of the small crate in his arms.

"Something I can do you for, Deputy? I promise I didn't piss off your brother...much."

"You're wanted at the jailhouse." Augustine's face was neutral. A sinking feeling came over Thancred, he knew that flavor of emotionless expression.

"May I ask what for?"

"Don't think you'd like the reason why being made public." Augustine answered. Movement from behind him caught Thancred's eye. Two more Dustwatch deputies had arrived--and unlike Augustine, their hands were real close to their guns. Thancred set his teeth, his mind racing. As far as he knew he hadn't stirred up any trouble recently...unless that business with the Black Wolf's scouts counted--but that'd been a fortnight ago...

"Is...something wrong, officer?"

"THERE HE IS!!" Came the hysterical shriek of a woman. Thancred's head whipped to the side, as did Augustine. A Hhetsarro woman--her eyes puffy from weeping and fighting off another Dustwatch deputy's grip--pointed at the gunbreaker.

"That's the bastard that killed my man! Why ain't ye arrestin' him!!" Thancred's eyes widened in surprise--and he nearly dropped the crate.

"I'm sorry, what?!"

[writernopal]

we like notebooks around here right? well, here, have some pics of mine!

i have three in total that i use regularly (pictured below) the two leather ones are refillable and about A5 sized. the little one is about A7. the paper i use is paper republic (a paper supply out of Vienna). its quite expensive, but its very worth it because i exclusively use fountain pens (its just a vastly superior writing experience tbh and i know it sounds snobby but please let me have this) and most regular paper does not do well with fountain pen ink (it bleeds through everything, it feathers, its splotches, its a disaster). the paper i use is specifically made for fountain pens so yeah. im a happy camper!

the leftmost one is my journal. i write at least 3 pages in it each morning. sometimes it gets profound but most of the time its not. its really my equivalent of screaming into a pillow so that i have the mental fortitude to face the day more even-handed. i will usually write those pages first thing when i get into work and sip on my coffee. (this pic also features my blank keycap keyboard. it is a cherry mx brown Ducky DK2108S that Mr. Nopal got me as a gift when we were still dating. its called Starburst bc the keycap colors look like starburst candies)

the middle one (second in this stack above) is what i use for anything writing related. i usually have all of my writing notes stored digitally but every now and then, when i really need to get my head in the right place about a part of the story, i will pull this guy out and sketch out what i need to do. this is also the notebook i use to take notes during writing/creative lectures and talks that i attend. and i also put quotes that inspire me in here. i pin a few art pieces in here as well, for example the physical copy of Captain Frere, The Vanishing Pirate is in here!

the final one (on the top in this pic) is my commonplace book. i recently started making use of this type of notebook on the recommendation of @illjustpretend and honestly its been so great. this is basically where i keep my random little scratchings, to do lists, grocery lists, and my thoughts that worm their way into my head and need a place to stay. its extra small so i can throw it into any bag im carrying!

another angle bc i just love how they all look together. in the back in my pencil case with post-its, highlighters, pencils etc. and laying across the top of the commonplace book is one of my fountain pens, its the Pilot Kakuno with Fine size tip. im currently using Lamy Black ink in it. if you look closely you can also see another one of my fountain pens, that one is the Lamy AL-Star in the color Cosmic. it was the first fountain pen i ever owned and i got it as a gift from my sisters for my birthday. it has my penname engraved on one side of it and currently loaded with Lamy Teal ink.

[nonpositiveartist]

haiihai there. leanne has been a fixation of mine since about 2022, her & gears having been my main hyperfixation/special interest since then aswell and ive written a lot about her specifically and i love seeing ur art with her in them !! truly your art is amazing, im so glad u mentioned that ur blog is a safe space for people who think his past has a lot to do with his character & wants to yap about it LOL

do u have any headcanons for it aswell ?? i really like hearing people’s thoughts on his character prior to the foundation !! thank u sm for posting ur art on here it’s truly wonderful 🫶🫶

I am ashamed to say that it's only recent days that I have started developing an obsession over Gears' past in connection to Leanne so right now I don't have a thing as stable as "headcanons", but instead I have items just as interesting to observe.

These are questions. Like yeah, when I attempt to make a headcanon for a character it seems to me not as "what would I like for this character to be", but "what would my answers to questions related to their story be", because I just need some kind of founding ground for my statements or something like that right?

Either case it's probably going to be a long ramble so beware.

Question 1. How in hell that family ever ended up to be?

What I mean is: was China as a country ever literally involved in their relations' beginning? Did Leanne's family already lived in US/UK/ wherever you imagine Gears spending his pre-Foundation days (some fan-wikis claim he's American but some like to hc him as British or other European, like German so idk what is your option there), or was it Gears actually having some kind of work/tourist/other kind of trip to China, where he ended up meeting Leanne and the two fell in love with each other?

If for my current answer to this. Considering Charles'... "better say 'absent' than 'present" knowledge of Chinese, I doubt it really was a "work trip". It could of been some kind of Foundation business, you say, but I doubt Gears had anything in connection to Foundation (apart from his father) before Alison was born, see later why.

Also I guess it doesn't matter as much of where they met, but the fact that Leanne despite everything managed to keep her home's culture and language with her, and bypass some of it onto her and Gears' daughter. Because, yeah, I fancy Leanne still keeping in to some of the Chinese traditions. It'd be interesting to see how that could affect their marriage' routine and all such, y'know?

Question 2. At what point did it begin to fall apart?

Firstly let me state on one important thing here. The most ideas about Gears' past and his family specifically are influenced by no other tale but Work Journal by Dr. Gears, which is a continuation of his very Splinters, and thematically it is an attempt of grown-up Alison to investigate just how had her father gone missing, leaving her mother mourning to death and herself helplessly watching that.

So the most important headcanon that I have already settled in stone from said series: Gears used to be a university professor. Not only because hey that's some nice fitting aesthetic for younger him, but also because the plot needs him to be somehow involved with public organizations to be noticed by the Foundation folks, right? Although, let's be fair there.... If Gears wouldn't keep going upturning and looking under the wrong stones and thinking about all those abnormalous incidents (a hecking storeroom filled with boxes of newspapers to be found later by Alison, darnit!), good chances are he would remain with his family for good deal of years. But no, of course, should of noticed Pathos Crow Proffesor Kanin's works and reach out to him for sake of collectivial conspiracy. And I believe that at the moment Gears wrote to Kanin, the latter one was already somehow involved in Foundation's business. Maybe he was that your kind of bait agent used for recruiting, really. Considering that the series of tales that goes in dimension parallel to Work Journals, one where Alison actually wraps her guts together and becomes Black Queen, it is directly mentioned that there had been a critical period in Foundation's history when they had to basically kidnap a good crowd of people because of the emergency lack of staff, it does seem fair to me.

But yeah, what I think is that Charles became able to spend his time (up to daily overworkings even when at home, which is highlighted in Work Journals, Alison calling her father something in the sorts of "overly enthusiastic, slightly possessed (can not remember the exact wording of it but the impression it left was this I swear)" person) only when he had put some serious roots at his workplace, both physically as that university he used to work and give lectures at, and mentally as in that field of research. When the income became stable, when his daughter grew up a lil bit so he'd have less worries on a daily basis, all that.

Plus of all Alison remembers that in her childhood Gears yet kept relations with his university pals, and it was in her presence that the arguments of "you're fucking paranoic, Gears!" began to unravel.

Also I wanna say that this whole period of Gears' attempts to create a conspiracy investigation heavily remind me of the first episodes of 3 Body Problem (the chinese one series, year 2023), which are based on the novel but whatever. Long story short: nearly all researchers of theoretical physics in the world had gotten involved into some mythic conspiracies and kept committing suicides, leaving no traces behind but notes of "physics does not exist". And so that claim of "physics does not exist" somehow feels to me like a phrase that could of gotten into Gears' head at some moment. ESPECIALLY considering that in the other tale (can't remember rn, sorry), he had decided to warn Alison away from her science career after she had published an article involving some kind of grand physics problem (dark matter, was it?). It just matches up too perfectly and I just can't- kasdlkaldkas-

Question 3. Oh dear did she knew?

Yeah. To what extent of attempts did Leanne go to just get hecking informed on why does her husband locks himself up in studies for three days in a row, or why out of sudden all his university colleagues had started calling him a psycho, or why in generally had Gears started to act so paranoid?

If there is anything I solidly think of their relationships right now, which are very few of things, is that the most of mental comfort in that family was going from Leanne, at least in these, later phases when everything was ruining apart. Remember her condition getting all worse and worse after her husband was gone, Alison directly claiming it's because "she couldn't take it anymore"? Leanne seems to me as a person too empathetic to just stay aside when her loved one proceeds destroying himself like this. And somehow I feel, that to a certain extent she actually did knew what was going on. Maybe it didn't go as far as Alison's research, finding out all those storerooms and letters to other researchers, but some kind of observations surely were done I think.

Also, sometimes I like to imagine this one outcome, which does sound rather OOC or canon-rules breaking in general, but still..

Why are senior researchers are not allowed to have vacations among normal people, in what I call to be the Outside? And, in the worst cases - left to their quarters or the closest town to their Site, in the best (or mentally worst for said employee) - sent out to some kind of touristic-place kind of reservation in Foundation's ownership?

(just in case: this whole pararaph above is heavily inspired by Stephen King's Firestarter and this whole plot about Maui's campground. Actually the whole novel works as a good reference for Foundation's inner business, as well as for humanoid SCPs' struggles, it is fine recommendation from me here)

Because senior researchers know too much and are too known to actually get targeted by other GOIs the moment they leave Foundation's territory. As for the juniour folk, well... who cares? One man more, one man less... as long as he's a no one, no one does really.

So yeah, imagine one year away from Gears' date of disappearence. Alison's away at summer camp, Leanne has to overclock on her job to keep things stable. And one day, she comes back home — and there is that idiot just sitting at the table with expression of both "ha, surprised you" and "hey, we need to talk". Not yet an apathetic brickwall of a human, but already someone rather different both from the jovial man he was before his "investigation" and from that paranoic he became as a result of it. And so he does his best in avoiding mentioning Foundation directly but still walking around that "government's conspiracy doesn't allow me here anymore" concept, trying to give Leanne the idea that it's better for all three of them if things go like this and he is gone. That he still cares, but can not do it any other way because of all of the mistakes he had done, the major one deciding to go into this paranomral field of research in the first place. That whatever happens to him Leanne shall not be worried about anymore and well you get it, angst. Yet, before Gears leaves at the end of the night, the two agree: Alison shall not know about any of that. It is easier to believe that your father is just a mentally fucked up asshole who went out for milk and ditched both women who cared about him rather than "my papa's gotten enslaved by above-government forces for sake of keeping the world safe from Chtulhu-like species!".

And so Leanne had kept it away from Alison. She knew her husband is alive and is probably that or so okay there, but it doesn't make the weight of longing any easier, right? So she had withered away eventually, leaving their daughter alone to deal with this entire mess.

This, of course, is a rather unbelievable scenario. Good chances are Leanne really never knew the details of what have happened. She sure did not consider her husband to be an asshole for his leaving, as she suspected it to be somehow connected to his paranoic behaviour and all his research work in general. It's just that the idea of Gears' indecisiveness about burning all of the bridges behind him that bothers me a lot these days. Even as he became that apathetic lad we know him as, he still had kept some of the empathy for humanity as a whole and certain people in particular right? So in his earlier Foundation years it should of been even more intense.

Question 4. How's it on the other side?

What I mean here is — we never really know how heavily Gears ever repented leaving his family behind, if he was ever doing that. In Epitaph it is claimed that he carries no personal possessions (like photos) on himself nor leaves them in his office anywhere. If there'd be a ring, Iceberg would sure mention that. And sure, Gears could of taken it off to actually avoid questions from his colleagues (which is justified, considering how Iceberg mentioned scooping around the man's drawers in that same tale). Yet, we don't know how many years have been there between Gears' recruitment and Iceberg's beginning under Gears' chiefery. Ten, twenty, more? So to say that Gears did not mourn whatsoever is just as foolish to say that he still does mourn for all that happy life he have lost in the present.

My idea here is simple: he did regret, he did blame himself, but in the most of timelines at the present moment (since Epitaph and later, as it's the one tale where we are introduced to Gears as he is nowadays) he had buried it within and it is more of a scar that probably, yes, aches sometimes but deserves no crying about. At least in his own perspective, as that of a person who already experiences significant troubles about feelings and "I know what I should do with them but I simply can't".

And now I think it have already gotten extensive enough to make sure that no more than 2 people will ever read it down to this point, so here I finish for now. I still need to actually think thoroughly about Gears' pre-Foundation times because now it is all too raw to really be taken seriously.

[ieatsticksandrocks]

I think the aesthetic culture is overrated. Like I love the whole dark academia stuff but I'm just a teenage girl after all and I cant afford all the pretty vintage clothes and I can't make my room look like an antique store. I can't even afford mary janes.

I wish we could care less about the looks and all the expensive stuff and focus on the actual academia spirit.

I love reading, I enjoy reading more than any human interaction, actually but do I really have to read the secret history to fit in (i love that book by the way but you just know what i mean) ? We can still go to a bookstore or to the local library and grab a random book that we never heard about before, maybe only because the title is interesting or the cover is pretty, and we can still romanticise reading it.

I'm writing some poetry using a cheap pencil, laying on my bed, it is bad, i suck at rhyming but it is mine, i love it anyway. It doesnt have to be epic or gut wrenching. Its about something that means a lot to me so its worthy.

I started noticing how the aesthetic culture ruined my perspective of reality, how it made my expectations about life impossible. Not everything has to be pretty and flawless, and they still deserve to be loved.

I wanted to keep journals for a long time but whenever i started one, i just gave up because it never looked as good as a journal on pinterest. Now that i noticed how wrong i was, im keeping three journals. One of them is a pocket journal. Its not exactly like a diary, its more of messy ideas and quotes written down. I carry it in my pocket everywhere.

The other one is my book journal and i write my reviews about the books i read or sometimes even small essays.

The last one is a film journal and i write my film reviews in it. Its nothing professional but it made me realise that my thoughts and ideas are worthy. I mean no one's gonna sit and read my review about how Carmilla movie sucked but it was actually good at the same time, but its important for me so its worth being written down.

Thats all i wanted to say, we dont have to collect antiques to fit in the aesthetic, some thrift trinkets are also fine. The book that is gonna change your life might not be if we were villains but it might be some book you found on a random shelf in the library. Dead poets society is a great film but you might like mädchen in uniform better, who knows.