#but my mom was in a hospital room with two other women who were also naming their daughters that

[hilacopter]

does the name Hila have any meaning in Hebrew?

it means Halo or Aura :)

btw it's pronounced "hee-lah", not "hy-luh". taking the opportunity to say this since i've heard a lot of people pronounce it as the latter.

[inawickedlittletown]

One Year - BuckTommy - 8x06 fix it

Summary: This is my fix-it because I for one can't take that break up being the end. So, it takes a while, but they belong together. Words: 6k Read on Ao3

-

The first time he saw Evan again, it was from afar. It had been a couple of weeks. They were at the same call, Tommy somehow winding up on the ground. He spotted Evan walking next to Eddie with Howie and Hen just ahead of them, heard their voices despite how loud everything was. He kept his distance, and only once ran into someone from the 118. Ravi, who gave him a smile and nod. 

The next time, it was at one of the badge and ladder bars. Lucy had forced him to go. Had she not been holding his arm, he would have turned and fled. Instead he saw Evan throw back a shot and then walk over to some guy whose physique told Tommy he had to be a firefighter. He saw as Evan said something that made the other guy laugh and then they were getting drinks together and…and Lucy took him out the door while he tried to catch a breath. 

Tommy wasn’t new to a break up…it was just that this one was hitting harder than any before. 

Before Evan, there had been three boyfriends. Before and in between were hookups and one-night stands and even some friends with benefits that popped in and out of his life. He’d come out when he was in his early thirties, around the same age as Evan. Of course, for Tommy it had been different. He’d been hiding it from everyone and even from himself. 

In the army, he and some other guys had had a bit of fun. Masturbating together and pretending it was all fine and heterosexual because they weren’t touching each other. He’d exchanged one or two blowjobs here or there like an exchange of favors with guys that had girlfriends waiting for them back home. He lied and told them he had a girl too. Pretended he didn’t like giving as much as he liked receiving. 

Things were much the same when he was at the 118, except that pretending he had a girlfriend was harder. He even tried to date women. Abby…he’d met Abby when the 118 went to a call about her mother. She’d almost burnt down her whole house by forgetting to turn off a stove and looking back that had definitely been an early sign of her dementia. Abby was nice and Tommy couldn’t deny that he got along with her and it helped that she understood how busy his job kept him and what his hours were like. 

Dating Abby was the first time he felt like maybe he could do it. Marry the girl. Have some kids. Lie to himself and the world forever. As unfair as it was to Abby, it just…Tommy could tell that it might work. It was why they got engaged. It was why he was so sure about getting married but then there were guys he met on calls or that he checked out from time to time and he didn’t think he would ever be able to put that away. Instead, he would wind up cheating on Abby and making the hurt worse. So, he broke it off and felt horrible when he realized that Abby had gotten the blow of her mom’s dementia diagnosis.

After Abby, Tommy went a little wild. He slept around. Found out more about himself. Knew that he could never do what he did to Abby to any other woman. He heard at some point about Abby taking up with a younger guy. In what universe could Tommy have expected that years later he would date the same guy. 

One night, he ran into Karen at a Target of all places. Tommy was there to pick up detergent and he was just deciding between brand name or the store brand and also trying his hardest to not buy the brand he knew that Evan used, when a cart bumped into his. 

“I’m so sorry,” Karen said. 

He looked up slowly. 

“Tommy,” Karen said warmly. “Hi.” 

Behind her came Denny and Mara. Mara he’d only met a handful of times and he knew her to be a little shy. Denny smiled at him. 

“Hi, Tommy.”

“Oh. Hi,” Tommy said. “You got your cast off.” 

Denny nodded. “A little while ago.” 

He remembered sitting in that hospital waiting room and how he’d tagged along to Denny’s room and hadn’t expected that Denny would want him to sign his cast seeing as he was all but a stranger, but Denny did offer him the marker and Tommy did sign.

Despite wanting to, he didn’t ask about Evan. He hardly managed to ask about Hen. 

“She’s good,” Karen said and then, “hey, listen, you don’t have to be a stranger.” 

He offered her a tight smile. 

“I’m serious. Hey, how about dinner soon?”

He shrugged and Karen insisted, pulling out her phone and throwing dates at him until he agreed. 

Before she left, Karen grabbed his arm. “I don’t know what happened, no one really does, Hen says he doesn’t want to talk about it. You don’t have to talk about it, if you don’t want to, but that doesn’t mean you’re not our friend still, Alright? That doesn’t just go for Hen and I, either.” 

Eddie had reached out the day after. The day after that too. And the one after that one. Then it was weekly. Then it was bi-weekly. Then came a final message. A voicemail. Tommy almost didn’t listen to it. 

“Hey, man,” Eddie said. “I guess you decided to cut all ties. I get it. Kind of. And look, Buck is my friend, but you are too and I don’t drop my friends. I know you’re hurting too, so don’t be afraid to reach out. I’m here for whenever you’re ready.” 

Tommy never called him. He thought about it. Almost texted him several times. He missed Eddie. 

He missed their easy friendship and the way that Eddie had welcomed him so wholly. He just couldn’t face him because Eddie would give it all away about how Evan was doing and Tommy wouldn’t be able to keep his own feelings in. It would burst out and then Eddie would know just how horrible Tommy really felt and how regretful too. 

He did regret it. 

He hated himself. 

Tommy went to dinner with Hen and Karen. It was good. Fun, even. Neither of them asked and Tommy didn’t offer any information. Instead, he got to hear about Mara’s adoption going through finally and about how Maddie was pregnant and doing really well. He tried not to think about Evan becoming an uncle for the second time and how excited he had to be over it. They exchanged Lucy stories and then stories from way back when Tommy was in the 118. Tommy promised they would do dinner again. 

The next time he ran into Evan, it had been more time than they had even been together. Tommy shouldn’t still be mourning the end of the relationship and yet…of course he was. Of course he still missed Evan desperately. So much for waylaying a heartbreak, there hadn’t been stopping that apparently and seeing Evan was like having someone reach right into his chest and squeeze. 

The first guy that he ever called boyfriend was a guy named Ivan. Ivan was a little older…okay, much older, and Tommy thought he was in love. Figured that was it and that he and Ivan could be forever. When Ivan broke it off because he met someone else, Tommy was devastated. 

“Tommy, I’m your first boyfriend, of course this wasn’t going to last. I always thought we were on the same page and that this was a bit of fun.” 

A month or so later, Tommy realized that Ivan was right. He wasn’t torn up and he hadn’t been in love as much as wanting the security of the relationship because it meant he didn’t need to keep looking for love. He’d gotten comfortable with Ivan, but what they hadn’t wasn’t something that would last no matter how much Tommy had thought it was what he wanted. 

The second guy came a year or so later. Paul was younger and Tommy met him while they were on a call. When Paul came by with muffins a few days later they got talking and Paul admitted that he was nervous but he’d wanted to see Tommy again. They had a few dates and then Tommy was rushing in with Paul. They spent every moment together and then moved in together too. 

When they broke up right before their one year anniversary, it was because Paul admitted that he never thought his first real relationship with a guy could be his last and that he had more options to explore. 

“Tommy, you were amazing. You will always be so important to me, but I’m not in love with you.” 

Somehow, that still hurt less than Evan and Tommy only had himself to blame for that. 

He saw Evan at a farmer’s market. He was with Jee-Yun who skipped ahead of him laughing. Evan was smiling after her. Tommy didn’t mean to follow, but he did keep his distance. Saw Evan buy a few things and smile at the girl that sold them to him, saw him stop at a stand selling apple cider, the man behind the counter blond and tall and bulky. Hot. His eyes were hazel and he was smiling at Evan and ignoring anyone else that approached. Evan was smiling back and doing that thing where he ducked his head bashfully before looking up through his eyelashes. Tommy’s heart ached. 

Tommy walked away from that. He turned and he walked until he was back at his car and then he sat there in his truck and let his mind wander because what if Evan asked that guy out? Or the girl? What if one of them wasn’t dumb like Tommy and stuck around and refused to let Evan go. What if Tommy never got a chance to…but he’d already blown his chance with Evan and he doubted there would ever be another. 

When he got to his shift later, Lucy took one look at him.

“Hey, you okay?” 

“I don’t think I’ve been okay for months.” 

Lucy hugged him. “Are you ever going to tell me what happened?” she asked. 

He shook his head. 

It was hard to even admit to himself how much he’d screwed up and how much he’d allowed his fear to color how he faced Evan wanting more than what they already had. He’d been unprepared when Evan brought it up and then it had been the Abby of it all and the way that Tommy knew he couldn’t expect for Evan to settle for him. That just wasn’t how it worked. He was the first, but not the last. Tommy just wasn’t good enough to be Evan’s last and it was something that Evan would figure out sooner or later. So why wait for their whole lives to get even more entwined and for everything to be so much harder when it all fell apart. 

One night, when Lucy showed up at his house to hang out, she had tried to bad-talk Evan as if that would help. It was the night she dropped information that Tommy hadn’t known and wasn’t it wild how much he and Evan had inadvertently not shared. Six months and they hadn’t talked about anything at all, apparently. 

Lucy and Evan had kissed once while drunk at a bar. 

The jealousy that hit him was…Tommy wasn’t usually a jealous guy and yet the very idea made him cringe and maybe he downed two shots back to back. 

“I kissed him,” Lucy said. “He didn’t push me away and I had no idea that he had a girlfriend at the time.”

It didn’t make him think badly of Evan, not the way that Lucy maybe intended. It just…it made Tommy wonder about how it would have gone if he was right. Would Evan have cheated on him once he realized he wanted more than what Tommy was willing to offer. But no…no, that wasn’t Evan was it? No, Evan would have stuck it out even when he got miserable and didn’t want to anymore and then Tommy would have had to say something and end it. 

“What happened after that?” Tommy had asked. 

“Between me and Buck? Nothing. I’m just saying, he isn’t this perfect guy either.”

As if Tommy didn’t know that, as if Tommy hadn’t seen exactly who Evan was from the get go. He was a mess, he was jealous, impulsive, he believed in curses, got pouty when he didn’t get his way. Evan was far from perfect, but Tommy had loved him because of it. He saw how much of the bad was still good or maybe not even bad at all. 

Lucy did leave him thinking about how they had never discussed exes until Abby and how maybe they should have. He wondered if Evan would have even brought up the Lucy of it all. He wondered how he would have taken Tommy’s own exes…Ivan and Paul and…and Henry. 

Henry was the last boyfriend before Evan. Gorgeous Henry who began as a friend and then started to get a bit flirty and who kissed Tommy for the first time at a New Years Eve party and then freaked out because Tommy was a guy. 

Weeks of not talking and Tommy not being able to stop thinking about him to an obsessive degree. How on Valentine’s day, he was surprised when red roses and chocolate was delivered to Harbor from Henry to Tommy and a simple note asking him out. He’d gotten so much shit for that, but Tommy had secretly loved it. The romance of it all, the sweetness. Henry had been so sweet. 

Henry who told Tommy that he was sorry but he had no idea guys were an option for him and how he couldn’t deny how much he wanted Tommy. They had long conversations about it and Tommy took it so slow that they didn’t even have sex for the first two months. 

Tommy didn’t realize that their feelings were different. Tommy had been crushing on Henry even before the kiss and then he had him. Henry had been mystified by Tommy and his attraction to him, but it wasn’t long before his eyes started to wander. Tommy had bought his house right before they started dating and when Henry’s roommate situation got a bit difficult he welcomed him right in. It had felt like the start of the rest of their lives. That had been a mistake. 

Tommy had been so blind. Looking back, the red flags had been evident. He’d been blinded by love and friendship and daydreams about a future he thought was within his grasp. Then, one night, when he managed to sprain an ankle, Tommy was first taken to the hospital and then sent home a whole thirteen hours earlier than expected. Henry hadn’t answered his calls, so Tommy got back home on his own. He found Henry in bed with a woman. 

The last time he saw Henry, it was when Henry picked up the last of his things and when Henry made his apologies and excuses it felt like Ivan and Paul before him. 

Tommy was never enough. Not enough. Always the placeholder for something or someone better. 

“Why not just break up with me?” Tommy remembered asking. 

“I didn’t know how. You were so…I’m sorry, Tommy. I guess I’m not done trying to figure out what I want.” 

The one thing Henry had figured out was that Tommy was not what he wanted. 

He did cry after Henry and then he threw himself into work and downloaded an app or two and didn’t try to date seriously. He had friends to call on lonely nights and then he could hit up a bar and find someone that way. Tommy had all but convinced him that it was all he’d ever have, until he met a firefighter with a cute birthmark who Tommy kissed without having planned to and who he almost wrote off after the first date and was so glad he didn’t. Breaking up with Evan was hitting harder than anyone that came before. 

Evan was different. He had burrowed deep in his heart and there was no getting him out. Tommy didn’t think he wanted him out. 

A few weeks later, he saw Eddie at the mall and with him was Christopher. He looked taller than the last time Tommy had seen him, and he was in LA. Eddie looked happy. Of course, he was happy. Tommy hated that he didn’t know when Chris had returned or how Eddie had won him over again. 

“Tommy,” Eddie said. 

“Tommy,” Christopher said. 

Had it been just Eddie, Tommy might have ignored them. Instead, he turned around. 

“Hi,” he said. 

“Hey,” Eddie said with a smile. 

“Hi, Tommy,” Christopher said. 

“Hey, kid, nice to see you back in LA.” 

Chris gave him a rundown of his time in Texas. He talked about the friends he made and his cousins and grandparents, but how Eddie had gone to see him and then Chris decided to come back with him. 

It was nice to talk to Chris and then to follow Eddie and Chris into one of the stores. Chris got distracted then, and Eddie turned to Tommy. 

“How are you really?” 

“It’s been months,” Tommy said. 

“I know. You never called me back. You should have,” Eddie said. 

“I couldn’t,” Tommy said. “You’re…how is he, Eddie?” 

Eddie took in a breath. “Look, I don’t think I should answer that. Buck is coping. He’s doing…what did he call it, he’s exploring. Apparently, it’s what you told him he needed to do.” Eddie’s look was pointed. Full of judgment. 

Tommy had to look away, he had to hope that his eyes wouldn’t fill up with tears. That night, right after he left Evan’s place, Tommy didn’t even remember how he got home. He did remember that he’d gone for his usual comforts. A shot of whiskey, a case of beer, and he’d tried to watch a movie and failed miserably. Hadn’t been able to watch romantic comedies since. Documentaries were out too. 

“Dad,” Christopher called. 

“I — I’ll leave you to it,” Tommy said. 

Eddie grabbed his shoulder. “Wait. No. Just…let’s hang out. You can come over or I can come over. We could sparr or get a drink. We’re still friends, Tommy. I’m serious.” 

“Okay.” 

Eddie called him that night and Tommy couldn’t say no to having Eddie come over to his place. They didn’t talk about Evan the whole time, not until Eddie was getting ready to leave. 

“I want to say something because I’m your friend and Buck’s friend. What you did was really stupid and I never thought you were stupid. If this was the way you always saw it going, why did you waste his time? Why did you let him fall for you? And I know you hurt yourself too, Tommy, I can see it all over you. So why? Just…answer that.” 

Eddie didn’t even let him reply before he left. 

Why did Tommy do that? Because even a minute of knowing Evan was worth it. Ending it early was just…he’d expected it to help because he had control and he was making the call and then he wouldn’t be devastated. It was a little late for it, apparently, at least on his end. 

“He’s exploring,” he said out loud. Eddie’s words. 

What had Tommy expected. God, he really was an idiot. 

A week later he was at a call that the 118 was present for as well. He tried to stay well clear of them, but he couldn’t help but look for Evan. It was like being a moth drawn to light and of course Evan was his light. 

He’d overheard Lucy and Melton talking on his first shift after his talk with Eddie and Melton had said everyone had a regret in love, that everyone had someone they let go of or who let them go that always left what ifs. Evan wasn’t a regret, Tommy would never regret him. What he regretted was that Tommy had allowed fear and his own baggage to cloud things and destroy what he and Evan had. 

Of course, a part of him did still wonder if he had been right. Every relationship came with risk, and Evan having just realized he was into men as much as women, it wasn’t farfetched to think that one day he might think that he’d settled into something with Tommy far too quickly without really knowing for sure it was what he wanted. Evan hadn’t denied that either, he hadn’t tried to stop Tommy leaving. He hadn’t reached out. He hadn’t even asked for any of his things back — granted neither had Tommy. 

Tommy had everything that Evan had ever left as his house in the drawer that had been Evan’s. Or hanging on his coat rack. In his bathroom. In his kitchen. He hadn’t had the heart to remove any of it and sometimes when he was really tired or when he’d hit the booze a little hard with Lucy, he could even convince himself that it was there waiting for Evan. 

The call rang long, the fire blazing for a while and worse people stuck inside on the higher floors. Tommy was helping on the ground on a hose, he knew the 118 was helping with evacuation along with the 133 and somehow they did manage to get everyone out and they did manage to get the flames put out. Tommy wouldn’t admit it, but he spent most of the call with his heart in his throat hoping that Evan stayed safe and that nothing went wrong. 

They were just getting back to the truck when he saw Evan a little soot covered, but smiling. He was talking to a reporter. Red hair, pale skin, skinny and pretty. He kept talking to her even after the camera man brought the camera down. 

“That’s Taylor Kelly,” Lucy said and she pushed him to keep moving. 

Taylor Kelly the reporter. Taylor Kelly who was Evan’s ex. Taylor who Evan had cheated on with Lucy. When he turned back to look once more they were no longer talking. 

“I don’t get why you haven’t reached out to him,” Lucy said. 

“He’s a coward,” Melton said. 

“It’s been how many months now and you’re not over him. Do you want me to find out if he’s seeing anyone? Maybe you still have a shot. We’ve never seen you like this before and at first it was I guess normal. Now it’s a bit depressing. What happened, Tommy?” 

“What happened is Melton is right and I am a coward,” Tommy said and then he climbed into the truck and looked away from them, glad when they didn’t talk to him the whole way back to Harbor. 

He heard about Maddie giving birth from Hen. It was a passing comment one night when he went over for dinner and Tommy found himself mourning that he hadn’t been there for Evan through all of it, especially because as Karen told it, Maddie had had a hard labor. 

He was shown pictures from Hen’s phone. The baby was tiny and already had a tuft of dark hair. He scrolled through pictures and then there he was. Evan holding the baby in his arms, the baby looking even smaller tucked right into the crook of Evan’s elbow and Evan smiling down with so much awe and love. It hurt to look at him, but Tommy couldn’t stop. 

So maybe there had been times when Tommy allowed himself to think about a future where he and Evan stayed together, one where they were married and decided they should be parents too. He’d seen Evan around kids too often, knew Evan would want to be a dad. Tommy had never longed for that or anything, but with Evan he would have wanted it. That was all gone now. 

“Oh,” Karen said. “Sorry. I forgot…”

Tommy forced himself to flip to the next picture. Another shot of Evan, this time he was looking up with the bluest glassiest eyes. He missed him. He missed him so damn much and it wasn’t fair how much. 

“Tommy,” Karen said. “Hey, are you alright?” 

“I miss him,” Tommy said. 

“I’m pretty sure he misses you too,” Hen said. “Do you want to talk about it?” 

“Do you have anything stronger?” 

Hen didn’t mince words. She told him point blank about how after the break up, Evan had tried to act like he was alright. Then, he’d just started to do anything he could in order to keep busy. 

“He started baking,” Hen said. “Then he started doing yoga. He started rock climbing. I think he even took an art class. Anyway, it was hard to watch but I guess it was better than if he sat at home wallowing.” 

“Like I did,” Tommy said. 

Karen grasped his wrist. “You were both hurting. What happened, Tommy?” 

“He asked me to move in and I said no.” 

“And you broke up over that?” Hen asked, surprised. 

Tommy shook his head. “No. Yes. In what world was this going to last? He only just discovered he likes men and yeah it was going well but it wasn’t forever. If we moved in together, it was going to be so much harder when we broke up.” 

“That’s…that’s bullshit, Tommy,” Hen said. “So, you broke his heart and yours so it wouldn’t happen later on.” 

“I didn’t break his—”

“You did,” Karen said. 

“Well shouldn’t he get a chance to explore what his sexuality means? Shouldn’t he get to figure that out instead of settling for the first guy he dates?” 

“And what if he wasn’t settling?” 

That kept him up all of that night. He still remembered how the conversation had gone. Evan had brought up the Abby thing and Tommy had felt put on the spot because it was the last thing he expected and then Evan had started to explain about Abby being an important relationship to him and how Tommy was just as important, the most important since, and all at once Tommy’s fears and insecurities had rushed forward because Evan and Abby hadn’t made it and now that Tommy was this gay mentor or whatever of course it wouldn’t last either. He tried to explain that to Hen and Karen and they both looked at him like he was the one that didn’t get it. 

“You need to talk to him,” Hen said. “For both your sakes.” 

“I don’t know if I can,” Tommy admitted. 

Exactly a year after it happened, he saw Evan again. 

Tommy had gone out to a gay bar because he couldn’t stay home and wallow. Lucy had also told him that he needed to put himself out there again. That if he wasn’t going to talk to Evan, then he needed to talk to someone that might give him a reason to move on. He really didn’t want to, but at the same time his right hand was getting tired and maybe some release of a carnal nature was what Tommy needed. No one had said it, but they had all kind of implied that Evan had at least gotten out there. 

He and Evan had gone to that bar once, gotten a drink and then danced a little before calling it a night and heading back to Evan’s, both of them eager to get up to Evan’s bedroom. He remembered seeing more than a few eyes looking at Evan with interest and how it had made something inside him churn because Tommy had known that if Evan was on the market again he wouldn’t have a hard time finding someone that was interested in him. 

Finding himself a free spot at the bar, Tommy ordered a beer and he tried not to think about the first few times that Tommy had gone into a gay bar and how nervous he’d been to actually put himself out there like that. 

“Hi, handsome,” a male voice said before Tommy had even gotten his beer. 

Tommy turned. “Hello.” 

The guy had floppy hair. He was lanky and thin, could probably be called a twink. He was also way too young for Tommy, probably not even in his mid-twenties. 

“So,” the twink said, hand reaching to touch Tommy’s chest right where the V of his shirt ended. “Want to have some fun?” He wiggled his eyebrows and licked his lips and his hand climbed to Tommy’s neck. 

“Sorry,” Tommy said. “That’s not why I’m here.” 

“Boo,” the guy said, hand dropping away, “So why are you here?” 

“A drink,” Tommy said decisively because he knew that even if someone age appropriate were to approach him, he wouldn’t have been interested. They weren’t Evan. 

“Oh, well. It was worth trying. Though, I don’t usually get turned down twice in one night.” 

“What’s your name?” Tommy asked. 

“Owen.” 

“Well, Owen, it looks to me like there are plenty of fishes in the sea. Third time might be the charm. To be honest, you’re way too young for me and I’m still…I’m hung up on my ex.” 

Owen took a look around, but he turned back to Tommy. “Bad break up? Did he break your heart?” 

“More like I broke his and mine. Such an idiot.” 

“But, hey, you’re still hot. I could help you forget for a few hours.” 

Tommy laughed. 

Owen grinned. “Not ready for that. Must have been quite the guy.” 

“Yeah.” 

Owen wandered off and Tommy watched him strike up a conversation with another guy, someone a little closer to his age. They seemed to hit it off and next time he saw them they were out getting lost in the crowd of bodies on the dance floor. 

Tommy finished his beer and was about to order another when he heard a familiar voice. Down the bar he found Evan. He was turned away from Tommy looking to one of the tables where a man was waving. Tommy couldn’t watch this. He couldn’t see Evan flirt with someone else. He couldn’t see Evan go home with that guy. He couldn’t look away. 

Evan said something to the girl behind the bar and…wait, did he not accept the drink? Then, he saw Evan put some money down right before finishing his beer and moving to leave. 

Tommy did the same and he followed. 

Evan made it out the door just ahead of him and Tommy had to get around several people, but eventually he made it to the door and then out. Evan was just outside, arms crossed over his chest, waiting. 

“Tommy,” he said. 

His voice, the sound of his name, Tommy felt it all down to his bones. 

“Hi, Evan,” he said and he knew his voice broke on Evan’s name. 

“It’s been a year,” Evan said. 

The door opened behind Tommy and Tommy had to step out of the way, his eyes never leaving Evan because maybe Evan would disappear. 

“I know,” Tommy said. 

“It’s felt like longer,” Evan said. 

“I know.” 

“I miss you,” Evan said. 

“I miss you too.” 

Evan was quiet for a beat and then, “then, why?” 

It was high time he stopped being a coward, high time that he stopped getting in his own way or letting the past intrude on his present. 

“Because I’m the biggest idiot,” Tommy said.

Evan snorted. “You’re not wrong.” 

The door opened again bringing with it a wave of music. It was Owen, arms linked with the guy he’d been dancing with. He looked between them and laughed, shaking his head as he walked past them. 

“Maybe we should take this conversation elsewhere,” Tommy suggested. 

Tommy’s house was closer. It felt better than going to Evan’s loft, not that it stopped Tommy from remembering how it had all gone. How he’d let the door close behind him and he’d just thought that it was the right call. 

Evan followed him inside. 

“You know, it was so dumb of me to ask you to move in when you’re the one that owns his own place,” Evan said. “I was just…overcorrecting. Rushing. Trying to show you how much I wanted us to have a future.”

“And I got scared,” Tommy said and led Evan to the living room. “I was dumb too. I should never have broken up with you but, Evan, the way you were talking about Abby and me, it was like of course I was just here to be your next transformative relationship. The next thing that prepared you for…for whoever came next.”

Transformative. That word had stuck around for him, he realized. The comparison Evan had made about his relationship with Abby to their relationship. He and Evan sat down.

“Tommy, I’m—”

Tommy stood. “I’ll go get us some water.” 

He didn’t wait for Evan to respond. As soon as he was out of the room he took a few breaths. What were they doing here? What were either of them hoping to accomplish? Did Evan want to get back together? Was that…was that the right move? 

Twelve months. It had been double the amount of time that their relationship had lasted and Tommy ached for Evan. He longed for him. He still hadn’t gotten rid of any of the things that reminded him of Evan or the things that belonged to Evan either. Hell, he hadn’t even let anyone take over or make their own mark. 

“Tommy?” Evan called you. “Do you want me to come to the kitchen?” 

“I’ll be right back.” 

He grabbed and filled glasses. 

Evan had started pacing the floor. He looked distraught. Tommy wanted to grab his hands and hug him, instead he set down the water. 

“We never talked about our exes,” Tommy said. 

Evan’s gaze snapped towards him. “No, I guess we didn’t.”

“Come, sit,” Tommy said and motioned to the couch. “Evan, I think I let my past decide my future and clearly I was wrong and this last year has been miserable. I’ve missed you every day and I thought walking away was the right thing for you, but it was definitely the wrong thing for me and I just—”

He didn’t expect Evan to kiss him, but that’s what Evan did. It didn’t last long and Tommy wanted to pull him right into another kiss because it had been a year since the last time he kissed him — the last time he’d kissed anybody. 

“Evan,” he said. 

“I learned a year and a half ago that was one way of getting someone’s attention,” Evan said. “I’ve been miserable too. I hated this last year and I missed you and as much as I wanted to hate you I just love you too much.” 

Then, they were kissing again and Tommy was pressed back against his couch, Evan practically crawling into his lap. His arms were around Evan again and he really hadn’t thought that he would ever have this again, but Evan was there and he smelled amazing and he felt amazing and their lips slotted together perfectly. 

Tommy didn’t even realize he was crying until Evan pulled back and his hands were brushing away his tears and then kissing his cheeks. His nose. 

“I love you,” Evan said. “I’m in love with you.” 

His heart was soaring and he reached to cup Evan’s cheeks. “Good, because I love you too.” 

Evan smiled wide at him, pecked his lips and then just hugged him. Held him. Tommy held him back. 

“We’ll have to talk about it,” Tommy said. “I want to explain. I want—”

“Later,” Evan said. “Right now, I just want…I want to bask in this. In us.” 

[forever1kay]

POWER TRIP !!

Summary: When Miles is forced on a vacation with his mother and a bunch of people from his mom’s past, he expects to be miserable the entire time. But little does he know, you’re lots of fun to be around…

Pairing: Earth 42 Miles x Fem!Black!Reader (Both are 17)

Notes: My friend did not have time to translate for me so I had to take matters into my own hands and use SpanishDict and DeepL. If the translations are shit, please correct me in the comments. I’d really appreciate it. Also, If I mentioned anything about Miles’ hair being in a low ponytail or a bun, I meant what I said. He reminds me of Latrelle from on my block so his hair is very versatile in my mind💀 With that being said, I hope you all enjoy!

Warning(s): Implied Grumpy x Sunshine trope, profanity of course, Rio is definitely an instigator (she means well), Miles is annoyed for majority of the story, rushed relationship, Y/n’s dad is annoying, teenagers in love (you wish that was you huh?) Let me know if I forgot anything!!

When Miles’ mother bursts into his room, speaking in frantic Spanglish about how Miles needs to pack a bag, he has to stop and look at the expression on her face to realize nothing is wrong and he doesn’t need to kill anyone tonight.

His mother tells him that a few of her closest friends from high school had found her Facebook and wanted to meet up, and he couldn’t stay home alone after that stunt he pulled last week when she had to work extra hours at the hospital. And not only did he have to go, but he had to bring his younger cousin Dillon as well so his uncle Aaron could “handle some business.”

Miles just sighed, knowing he couldn’t argue with his mother and began to pack his bags. Three days later, him, Dillon, and his mother had landed in Orlando and were standing in the lobby of an overly colorful hotel. As his mother was checking in, Miles realized he’d rather be anywhere else.

After receiving their right room numbers, the three of them walked to their rooms to settle in before returning to the lobby, where all hell broke loose.

His mother had made the decision to scream and approach two other women who were also screaming. Miles could only shake his head and wish to go home. He thought about escape routes, ride arrangements, and even the possibility of staying at Uncle Aaron's house.

However, his inner thoughts were interrupted as his face was forced into someone's chest.

“Lil’ man!” A random chubby man yelled, his hand tangled into Miles curly ponytail. “You was this big last time I seen you! You done grew some! How old you is?”

“I’m seventeen.” Miles said, his voice muffled by the guy’s chest.

“Seventeen! Damn, how time flies by. You remember me?”

“Nah.” Miles said curtly.

“Miles.” His mother started, raising an eyebrow.

“I don’t, ma. ¿Querías que mintiera?”

“Watch the attitude, Miles.” She said, thumping him on the forehead before embracing the strange man and the two screaming women. “These are my friends from high school. Michael, Linda, and Nicole.”

“Nice to meet you.” Dillon and Miles said in unison.

Linda grabbed Michael’s hand before gesturing to the children behind her. “These are our kids; Y/n and Jacob.”

Nicole then joined in. “And these are my sons, Jonny and Tito.”

Miles looks to each kid as they’re being introduced, but he lets his eyes linger on Y/n a little longer until Tito spoke.

“En realidad, mi nombre es Salvador. No Tito. I don’t know why they still call me that.”

Miles chuckles. “I feel you.”

“So how old are you all now?” Miles’ mother asks, squeezing her friends’ children into a hug.

The kids all name their age, and Rio gets excited immediately.

“Y/n and Miles you’re the same age! And Jacob you’re the same age as Dillon! You can all be such great friends. ¡Qué amoroso!”

The adults talk about their kids closeness in age for a second before Rio opens her mouth again.

“Papá, sé amable y ayúdala con sus maletas.”

“No necesita mi ayuda, mami.”

“Miles.”

“Vale, vale…”

“Y/n!” Rio yelled excitedly, gaining your attention. “Miles will help you with your bags.”

You waved your hands and shook your head frantically. “Oh, Mrs. Morales it’s okay! My dad can-“

“Oh don’t worry about him, I insist! Go, Miles.”

Miles sighs as silently as he can and then grabs all four of Y/n’s bags effortlessly, looking at her to lead the way to her room.

“Come back quickly!” Michael yelled, fixing his voice to make it sound deeper than it already was. “Put the bags down and that’s all.”

“Okay, dad. Chill.”

Y/n and Miles walk in silence, never speaking a word to each other although Y/n's stare spoke volumes.

They return to the lobby mostly silently after setting the bags down, with Y/n opening and closing her mouth a few times but never really managing to say anything but “do you like bread?” Which earned her a side eye from Miles.

When they got back, Jonny told them what the adults had decided.

“We’re going to Disney springs.”

Together with a few other hotel guests, the ten of them boarded the Disney shuttle bus and left.

When they got there, the adults made the decision to play a game of rock, paper, scissors to determine where they would all have dinner tonight. Nicole won and decided to let the kids choose.

Michael made an attempt to bribe them into choosing the T-Rex Café, but they all side eyed him and chose Planet Hollywood.

When they arrived, a makeshift red carpet led up to the entryway. Somewhere in the middle, one of the employees offered to take a group photo of them.

Miles took three pictures, two of them courtesy of his mother who insisted they were pictures he should be taking.

One as a group, one with his mother, himself, and Dillon, and one with Y/n.

Both were a little awkward. The former had Rio kissing Miles on the face and pinching Dillon's cheek in public, while the latter… was an interesting thing to talk about.

After taking a picture with his mother and cousin, Miles was about to walk away when Mom stopped him and said

“Y/n! Would you like to take a picture with Miles?”

Miles was so shocked that he couldn’t speak, and Y/n would have dropped her phone had it not been for Jacob's fast reflexes.

“O-oh, no Mrs. Morales, he doesn’t even want to take a picture and I myself am so of tired of pictures, you know, with the flash and everything.”

“Girl don’t play with me.” Linda spoke, inserting herself into their conversation. “You’re a model. You do this for a living. Just take a quick picture with Miles and we can go.”

“Baby she don’t need to take a picture with no boys.” Michael whined, turning his wife to face him.

“You know he’s a good kid, Mike. He’s Rio’s son.”

Y/n's parents continued to argue as she nervously walked over to Miles on the carpet while Rio and the photographer instructed them to smile.

Although Miles didn't smile, he calmly wrapped his arm around Y/n, who jumped at the touch and stared up at him in shock.

“Smile for me, ángel.” Miles spoke lowly enough for only Y/n to hear, meeting her eyes and smirking.

After taking the photo, the photographer gave it to Rio and instructed them to enter the restaurant. Miles walked away from Y/n without another word.

After that awkward fiasco, the group entered the restaurant and were immediately welcomed and seated. Y/n ultimately found herself seated next to Miles, and she could not stop worrying about whether or not her chewing would be too loud. But instead of thinking in her head like normal people, Y/n muttered under her breath, a lot like Deku from My Hero Academia (ifykyk).

Miles noticed and chuckled to himself.

A server took their order a little while later, and a short while after that, they left to look around at the movie props and film scripts around the restaurant.

Later that night, the adults left their kids some money and went on a hot air balloon ride. Since Miles already had money of his own, he gave Dillon the borrowed money and then walked away alone.

Well, at least he thought he was alone.

When he realized he wasn’t, he nearly backhanded the intruder, but they were quicker than he'd thought and caught his wrist.

“Um, okay. Wow. I definitely could’ve died.” Y/n spoke, dropping Miles’ wrist.

“My bad.” Miles spoke, looking her up and down. “Why didn’t you go with everyone else? They need someone to watch after them.”

“Trust me, they don’t. Salvador is very responsible.” She informed him. “Besides, how do you know I’m responsible enough to watch over them?”

Miles shrugged and moved away from Y/n to lean onto the only railing that separates them from the water. "I don't."

Y/n chuckled and then followed him, leaning against the same railing but facing Miles.

Miles gave her a stank face. “I actually came over here to remove myself from you…”

Y/n shrugs. “You intrigue me.”

“Yeah?” Y/n nods. “How so?”

“Well I don’t know.” Y/n shrugs, “In my experience, silent people are the most interesting.”

“Or the most deadly, depends on who you know.”

“Cmon, drop the hood nigga persona and let’s be besties for the rest of this trip.”

“Nah.”

“It’ll be fun!”

Miles rolls his eyes. “You are something else.”

“I know, you’ll get used to it eventually. Three months top.”

“You said for the rest of this trip.”

“Well obviously I lied.”

“She lied. Of course she did.” Miles spoke to himself. “We can’t just be civil and be quiet?”

“No, we have to be besties. It’s the only way or else I’ll cry and your mom will let my dad beat you up.”

“He can try, but I can fight.”

“Please!”

“No.”

“Please!”

“No.”

“Come onnnnn!!”

“No.”

“Miles!”

“Okay, mama. Okay. I’ll be your Bestie for the rest of the trip.”

“You won’t regret it! Okay, now let’s go have fun!”

Surprisingly, Miles let Y/n to lead him aimlessly around Disney Springs until they left. The following few days, he allowed her to continue dragging him around.

When it came time for everyone to return home, Y/n's family made the decision to take drop everyone else off at the airport (since the four of them actually lived in Florida and didn't need to leave the state).

This time, Y/n was the one insisting something. That something being walking them into the airport while Rio insisted that it was fine.

Y/n won, which meant her dad had also decided to walk them in just “to make sure Y/n won’t get lost.”

“So,” Y/n started, linking her pinky with Miles who surprisingly enough didn’t seem to have a problem with it, “How was it to be my Bestie for a week?”

Miles chuckled. “You’re not all that bad.”

“I’m not all that bad? Don’t you mean it was the best experience of your life and you can’t wait to see me again?”

“Nah, I ain’t say all that.”

“But you meant it. It’s okay to admit that I’m super funny and cool and pretty and you absolutely love me.”

Miles chuckled again, which was out of character for him.

Rio checked the time and spoke up

"Miles, dile adiós. Tenemos que irnos. Te esperaré allí.”

Miles nods and turns to face Y/n, but Rio quickly pushes him aside and embraces the girl.

“It was so nice to see you again, hermosa! We’ll have to keep better contact so we can see you and your family again, okay?”

“Okay, Mrs Morales! It was so nice to meet you in person and I really enjoyed your company this weekend. You’re so sweet!”

“No, you’re so sweet! Much love to you sweetie, we’ll plan something soon.” She kisses you on the cheek before pulling your father out of the way so you and Miles can have a moment.

“So,” Miles turns to you, but gets interrupted by you throwing your arms around him.

“I’m gonna miss you, bestie!”

Miles smiles down at her, finally wrapping his arms around her waist. “I’m gonna miss you too, mama.”

“See, I knew you loved me.”

Miles' eyesight travels from her lips to her eyes and back again. Naturally, Y/n can't keep quiet.

“You look like you want to kiss me.”

“Quiero besarte.”

“Do it, no balls.”

Miles chuckles before kissing Y/n twice on the lips and trying to lean in once again, but of course both of their parents broke up them up by clapping and raising their voices in protest.

Yet again, Y/n can’t keep quiet.

She looks up at Miles with hearts in her eyes. “…you taste like strawberries and rainbows.”

Miles rolls his eyes before pecking Y/n's lips once more, prompting yet another outburst from their parents.

"Cálmate, mami. Please!” Miles whined while Y/n shook her head at her father with wide eyes.

Y/n grinned as she pulled away from Miles and pulled her phone from her back pocket. “I don't have your number.

Miles took her phone and swiftly entered his number before handing it back to her and holding her hands in his, gently moving backward as he does so. "Let’s keep in touch, yeah?"

Y/n nods, saying bye to Miles as he pulls away and walks over to his mom, of course waving a goodbye to Y/n’s dad as well.

BONUS:

When he got home later and took his phone off of airplane mode, Miles felt his phone buzz in his pocket with a text from an unknown number who he could only assume was you..

Translations (may be inaccurate or in Spain Spanish btw, so please correct me if needed):

¿Querías que mintiera? - Did you want me to lie?

En realidad, mi nombre es Salvador. No Tito. - Actually, my name is Salvador. Not Tito.

¡Qué amoroso! - How sweet!

Sé amable y ayúdala con sus maletas - be kind and help her with her bags.

No necesita mi ayuda, mami. - She doesn’t need my help, mommy.

Vale, vale… - Okay, okay…

Miles, dile adiós. Tenemos que irnos. Te esperaré allí. - Miles, say goodbye. We have to go. I’ll wait for you over there.

Quiero besarte. - I want to kiss you.

Cálmate, mami - Calm down, mommy

© forever1kay 2023 - please don’t translate, convert, copy, paraphrase, repost, or alter any of my works without my permission.

[watchingthegregoryandjamesshow]

S1:E3 Occam’s razor

Okay first of all, what did I just watch? A guy is coughing, and than He and this girl start banging and than one of them passes out,

Woohoo! Here comes Greg and James!

James and the giant peach is like, “So there’s a person in the emergency room.” (The guy form earlier) and Greg Heffley is like “Alright.”

James: How was that so easy? Gregory: You know why ;)

James: Blood pressures not responding to IV fluids? Gregory: Yeh

James: *Smiles*

Gregory: That’s just WEIRD.

(What does this even mean? 😭)

So the House named Greg says “This guy has too many symptoms.”

He shows the other docs all the symptoms the guy has on a whiteboard.

The girl doc with a pony tail is like, “No condition accounts for all the symptoms.”

and Greggy goes, “Oh good, I thought he was sick, but it turns out he’s not!” Than says they need to treat the guy with a bunch of big doctor words I do not understand.

So now it cuts to a scene where the kid is coughing up a storm, his girlfriend is like, “Stop testing him, start treating him!” A doc says “Erm, actually we need to test him before he make him better sooo….”

Then Greg house guy introduces himself to a waiting room full of people, and says “Hi, I’m stoned, who wants me?” And then proceeds to look at the people like this….

Then the guys girlfriend goes up to the Australia doctor and says, “did I give that guy this sickness?? Me and that guy were having sex, and I was very rough.” And he looks at her, very concerned.

So now a lady is with Greg and says, “My mucus was pale golden rod a week ago, and I don’t like being told what to do.” Greg says “We’ll do a full body scan later this week.”

so than the Australia doctor, says to two other docs “That girl thinks she rode him to death.” and the girl doc says, “I hope you got some specifics! If she thinks it could kill him, It’s worth knowing about.”

and he goes “have you ever taken a life??”

Then the other guy Doc goes, “THERES FLUID FILLING HIS LUNGS, HIS KIDNEYS ARE SHUTTING DOWN!”

*Super epic realistic blood cell CGI*

“Our treatment isn’t making him better. it’s killing him.” *Dunn Dunn duuuuuunnn*

Gregory tells a guy he thinks his tie is ugly

The patient Guy’s parents arrive. He tells his parents “Hi. This is my fiancé.” And shows them the girl who Rode him to death.

The tests show the antibiotics didn't cause the kidney failure. Greg tells them the patient is getting better.

Greg is with a patient, but he’s busy playing on his game boy. ”My THRoAT HUrTS.” Says the patient

“Yeah, so you said.” Greg rolls his eyes. “HoW LOng Do I HAVE to WaIT?” ”Two minutes less than when you asked me two minutes ago.” 🙄

Australia is pouring coffee, but spills some because he was staring at the doc girl. Then she starts talking to him in very very graphic detail about talking about what sex does to the human body. “Did you know That WomEn Can HaVE An HoUR lOnG OrgASM?” Australia man just stares at her.

than this just happens:

Greggy boi meets with the family. He accuses them of giving the patient the "cough medicine" (He thinks the patient was taking an illegal drug instead of cough medicine) after he arrived at the hospital. The mother admits to it and finds the medicine bottle. Australian doc goes to the pharmacy. The guys mom says “Yas, those are the SAME pills I gave my son.” It turns out they did give the patient the cough medicine after all not illegal drugs.

Gregory says,

“I was not wrong everything I said was true, it fit! It was elegant!”

James: “so reality was wrong?”

“Reality is almost always wrong.” Greg says before he downs a ton of pills.

They start to prepare the patient for surgery. Then the patient goes crazy, and almost dies, They get his heart started again, But, they have to cancel the surgery. The patient now also has pain in his fingers. A doc guy tells Greggory, and he starts thinking of something.

Greggy goes into the clean room without preparation. He still thinks the patient was poisoned because of a new symptom, the guy is losing hair 🫨He thinks the kid has been using illegal drugs contaminated with Colchicine and orders treatment. The patient starts getting better.

But Gregory is STILL not satisfied - he still can't figure out the source of the poisoning. the patient guy starts coughing again. They give him cough pills, and he realizes they aren't the same as the old pills he was taking; the new pills have the letter "L" on them but the other pills did not.

Australia says to girl “wanna get some food?” but she cuts him off right away and says “Nah.”

It ends with a scene showing Greggy Pooh in the pharmacy after hours, he’s sitting on the floor searching through the bottles. He holds two similar-looking pills, they both have the same shape, only one has writing on it and one does not. He smirks, He was RIGHT. *happy music 🎉🎊🎉🎉🎊🎊🎉*

This show is the bomb.com guys 💯 🔥

[thevegandarkelf]

QOTU Profile: Lydia Rae Vector

Those of you that know Vec & read her original profile may notice some tiny details I changed in order to fit the AU. Most of them are exactly the same though. Her personality remains unchanged.

Krys made the banner above. Also LOOK WHAT @dixons-sunshine MADE (she used Picrew to make it). She brought my sweet lil’ unhinged angel baby to life. I love her so much, look at how cute she is 🖤

TW: mention of suicide, mention of death while in the line of military service

➼ Nicknames: Vec (everyone except Georgie & Scud), Dia (Georgie), Vee, my little bee/bumblebee, the Mrs. (Scud)

➼ She got the nickname ‘Vec’ in high school because of all of the Lydias in her graduating class.

➼ Her birthday is July 6th (she’s a Cancer bby)

➼ She was born and raised in the small town of Swanton, Ohio before moving to Atlanta for med school.

➼ She's 5 foot 7 with blue eyes and long black hair that reaches her waist

➼ She worked as a trauma surgeon in an emergency room at Atlanta General before the outbreak.

➼ If she hadn't chosen trauma surgery as her specialty, she would've gone into OBGYN

➼ She decided she wanted to become a doctor when she was just three years old. Her oldest brother was in an accident, and at the hospital, she saw a surgeon in a floral dress and white coat & asked her if she was a princess. The doctor told her yes, and she decided in that moment that she wanted to be a princess when she grew up (which she later learned was a doctor) and save lives like this woman saved her brother’s.

➼ She's passionate about women's rights and access to healthcare

➼ Her strengths include her empathy, compassion, and understanding, which helps to make her a great doctor

➼ She's 30 when the outbreak begins

➼ Her and her best friend, Georgianna Marianne Hawkins (Georgie), have been friends since they were little.

➼ She has three older brothers--Preston (5 years older than her), Jay, and Eli (3 years older than her. Jay and Eli are twins, Jay being two minutes older)

➼ All three of her brothers were Navy SEALs and taught her how to fight

➼ Her dad is an astronaut and was launched into space a couple of weeks before the outbreak began

➼ Her mom and her brother Preston passed away (in separate instances) about 5 years before the outbreak. Preston was killed in the line of duty during deployment, and her mom was unable to cope with his death and took her own life two months later.

➼ She blushes very easily and frequently

➼ She exclusively calls Rick 'cowboy'

➼ Daisies are her favorite flower because they symbolize the purity of love and new beginnings/fresh starts.

➼ Her favorite color is blue

➼ She’s very outgoing and talks a lot

➼ Her favorite music artist is Ke$ha

➼ She likes to write and always has a notebook and pen on her at all times.

➼ She loves fantasy films like Lord of the Rings and attended many ren fests before the outbreak.

➼ She was once on a date where she sneezed and a spaghetti noodle came out her nose. Now, she can't even look at a box of dry spaghetti without getting queasy.

➼ She has three tattoos--line work of a bouquet of daisies on the front of her right hip, a sternum piece of vines with blue flowers, and a cluster of bumblebees on the back of each of her thighs (hence why Scud calls her ‘my little bee/bumblebee’). She's incredibly selective with who gets to see her tattoos.

➼ She's no damsel in distress, she can handle her own & is hyper-independent.

➼ Her mom gave her the middle name 'Rae' because she was her only daughter and therefore her 'ray of sunshine.'

➼ Other than Georgie, her best friend in the group is Aaron. She's also very close with Maggie, Michonne, & Rosita.

➼ She's a wildcard and bit of a spitfire, and she certainly doesn't take shit from anyone, men especially.

Georgianna Marianne Hawkins belongs to @dixons-sunshine

Taglist: @raddydaddydude @lovenormandixon @angeldemoncrowley @negansbestie

Hit me up if you want to be added to/removed from the taglist

Divider found in Google via searching for stock images

[sweetbillwriting]

A Thousand Leaves

The Eyes of A Son - Part 6

Characters: The character Henry is inspired by several of Bill Skarsgård's characters but mostly The Kid from Castle Rock. The rest are my own original characters.

Setting: The story is set in the early 90s in a nameless town.

Warnings: 18+, abuse, violence, death, blood and diseases, age difference, smut, kinks and fetishes, jealousy, victim blaming, smut, religion.

Notes: This chapter can be triggering!

Eric Kiehl was a man of reason even if his wife was far from it. While she believed in the most spiritual teachings he didn't really believe anything of it. Religion had beautiful stories but nothing more than that. He was sure of it.

He knew his wife Bea was fascinated by the young man they had let move in with them. Tha tall, skinny boy had been through a lot but she made him to something more. Everything she thought was special with him was something spiritual, otherworldly. Eric had also liked the boy, something in him made him think about their son, Isaiah. Their son had died tragically in a boat accident and had left the family and their home empty. It was strange meeting Henry. He didn't look like Isaiah but both he and his wife recognized the warmth and eyes full of love from their son. Attributes they had never seen in their daughter.

But things had changed. He could still see his son in Henry sometimes but he could also see something else. It was strange seeing Bea and her female friends around him, giggling like school girls. He had even seen them touch him. First he believed they took advantage of him. Used the fact that Henry was weak mentally to be able to touch a young handsome man but then he saw it. Henry's smirk. His hands caress the women's waists. Even his wife's. His daughter was the same and showed a side of herself he didn't like. She was jealous and controlling. And he had heard them. Having sex. He had heard Henry having sex with other women too. He didn't even know who they were. Henry invited them into their home when it was dark and slept with the women in his son's old bed. His wife didn't believe him and continued to care for him like he was a wounded puppy. One day he finally got her to agree to help Henry to find something of his own.

They were about to tell it to the boy, make him understand he must learn to take care of himself but something stopped those plans. Henry's wounds, the wounds his wife called stigmata, started to bleed and didn't stop. Just like Jesus'. Bea was sure it was stigmata. The man was a saint.

Henry had asked for him to drive him to the hospital. Of course he did and when he looked back at Henry he could see his son again. Henry felt like Isaiah at that moment and he would care for him like he was him.

×××

Irma and Bea sat and watched Henry sleep. The doctors thought he had some unusual form of hemophilia and would try every possible treatment for it. But it was much they didn't want to tell Bea and Irma, they noticed. Of course, Henry was a grown up and there were things they couldn't just tell them without his consent. Irma looked at the doctor curiously. They stood outside the room's window and talked with serious faces. But one of them also laughed and dragged a hand over his face. Irma didn't want anything more than to hear what they talked about.

She heard her mom crying next to her. She didn't look at her. She was a bit tired of her mother's big feelings especially when Henry was her boyfriend and she didn't cry as much as her mother. It was silly, she acted like he was her son.

In the waiting room sat Eric but he wasn't alone. Five women sat in the waiting room. Two of them he recognized as his wife's friends, another he recognized as his colleagues' daughter. He didn't think so much about it until he heard the women say Henry's name. Over and over. They were all there for Henry. Married women and girls that hadn't even celebrated their twentieth birthday.

Eric thought back on Henry in the car. The eyes from their son. He was special, the women probably just felt it too. He thought about his son and Henry. How Henry would stay with them. He sat looking out the window when several people started to scream. He looked around confused and then looked down at the floor. Like an army they came from nowhere. They came from all directions. Crickets and cockroaches.

×××

The hospital staff moved the patients to other sections of the hospital and forced the visitors to leave. Family Kiehl heard people talk about how the insects must have lived in the walls and Irma thought the same. They had lived in the walls and maybe a small earthquake or something made them come out. But her mother had another theory.

"Don't you understand? It's Henry! The stigmata and now this? It's like Moses in Egypt!"

Irma didn't know what her mother talked about. They sat in the couch group in the house of the Kiehl couple, all three of them.

"So what? Is he Moses?" Asked Irma uninterested. Her mother had started to go too far in her thoughts. She sounded like a lunatic.

"He is the savior. He has come back. Judgement Day is near."

Irma gave her mother a look of mocking.

"I didn't know you were like, christian? I thought you were all for nature and stuff."

Her mother nodded with big eyes. She looked out in the air.

"But Henry has shown me the truth."

Irma didn't know how she should answer her mother and sat quietly. She thought back on Kevin's story. Maybe there was some truth to it. It actually seemed like Henry had saved all those women from their awful husbands.

Eric sat quietly, he just listened in the beginning but then shut off. He knew more than the women in his family. He had seen other sides of Henry. He once again thought back on the moment in the car. His son's eyes. But then he remembered something else, something he hadn't taken in at that moment. Henry in the rearview mirror. It wasn't his son's eyes. Henry's eyes were black as night and seemed to swallow the light around him. It was just a second. A second he hadn't thought about, like his brain didn't see it as anything important. It was strange how his brain had made it feel like something ordinary when he now realized he had seen the real Henry. The evil inside of him.

×××

Irma answered the phone at her parents house three days later. She often answered their phone because of old habits, it didn't feel like it was so long ago she had lived there.

It was Henry's doctor saying that he would be able to go home. The bleeding had stopped for now from the treatment and Henry had more energy. The news made Irma perk up and she thanked the doctor several times. She hadn't noticed her father stopping on the way to the kitchen to listen to her phone call in the hallway. He tried to understand what made his daughter so happy and thought about Henry. It felt like that was the only thing that could make the women in his family so happy nowadays.

"What was that all about?" He asked curiously. Irma gave him a surprised look and then looked around worriedly.

"Ehh… It was my job? They have heard I was here when they couldn't reach me at home."

Eric nodded a little but it felt like his daughter lied.

"And they gave me a new job," she said and faked a big smile but after having thought of Henry the smile became a real one.

"Oh, that's good, honey. But the article about Henry…?"

"Oh, yeah we will see."

Irma didn't want to write it anymore. He was a wounded man. A wounded man she loved.

She started to put on her outerwear and her father continued to look at her.

"Where are you going now?"

"Home. I need to prepare for the job."

Irma still smiled because she would go to the hospital. She would have Henry all by herself now. He was hers and her parents had started to forget that.

Henry sat on the bed when she came into the room. He wore his own clothes and smiled at her.

"Hey Irma," he said sweetly. His hands were still in bandages but now there were no bloodstains on it.

"Hey baby," she said back and with confidence she walked up to him and gave him a kiss. He looked at her surprised but then smiled.

"Again," he said with a low voice and laid his hands on her waist. Irma looked down at his big hands, it felt good having them there. She wanted his hands all over her. She gave him one more kiss but this time he deepend it, made her separate her lips so their tongues could say hello to each other. Irma giggled. Finally she got to be close to him again. There, her mother or young stupid girls couldn’t destroy their happiness. She straddled his lap and that made him lean back on his elbows.

"You want my cock, don't you?" He whispered.

Irma looked at him with big eyes. She could see they were completely black but right then and there it felt like it was a normal thing. It was nothing to react to.

"I don't want anything more…"

He looked down at his crotch and it made Irma do the same. With another guy she wouldn't be that girl that unbuttoned and pulled down his jeans but with Henry it felt like she would starve if she didn't. She didn't think about that they were in a hospital, with the blinds open. Anyone could see them.

She looked at his cock like it was a masterpiece. It was beautiful, so beautiful she sighed in wonder.

"Honey?" Said Henry and Irma looked up at him with all her senses pointed at him.

"I think you should ride me… And then I can give you a gift."

Irma nodded and took off all her clothes. Henry laid on the bed, looking at her with the black eyes and smirked by seeing her naked skin.

"That's a good example…" he whispered to himself with the same smirk.

Irma straddled his lap again and when she guided his cock to her opening he laughed.

"I will give you the best gift… My offspring."

×××

Irma looked at the man next to her in the passenger seat with a warm smile. She still saw that wounded man but also something more. She couldn't describe what it was. Maybe it was light? Or the opposite? It was something more she couldn't put her finger on but he was gorgeous, mesmerizing and sexy. She loved him. She even worshiped him even if that word didn't come up in her head when she looked at him. But she did.

"Can we go home to your parents? I just want to eat well and sleep…" he said sweetly. Irma really wanted to take him home to hers but she couldn't say no to him.

"Of course, baby…" she said with a smile and dragged her hand over his smooth neck. Henry smiled. She still saw the black eyes but still didn't react to it. It was just a part of him now.

×××

Eric came home to an empty home after having done some grocery shopping. It was nice to get some time alone and try to think about something else than Henry, the cockroaches and crickets. He knew Bea had her new age meeting and Irma had her job. He thought about stretching out the couch with a beer and maybe put on a video. He had bought some cheap ones in the video store. While putting the groceries in the fridge he heard it. A giggle. It didn't sound like either his wife or daughter so he furrowed his brows in confusement. When he heard it again he took one of the knives in the knife stand and armed himself. There was a woman in his home even if it was just him there.

"Hello? Who's there?" He shouted while spinning the knife in his hand nervously.

He didn't give an answer but instead heard a woman moan. It sounded like another woman he hadn't heard before. It must be Henry, once again he had taken an unknown woman to their home. But Henry didn't have a key. It was confusing but he still was sure it was Henry and that got confirmed when he heard Henry laugh.

"Eric? Your fucking pussy! Don't you dare to come in?" He shouted. Eric swallowed hard. He didn't like the insult and with a beating heart he walked into the living room where he had heard them.

Henry sat on the couch, completely naked and smirked with black eyes. Around him were all the women from Bea's new age group. Two of them took turns to jerk him off while a third sat between his legs with a lowered head. Eric didn't even want to think about what she was doing down there, so down low while Henry's feet were up on the coffee table.

"What the fuck…?" Eric said, dropping the knife from all the overwhelming feelings.

"Bea! Your husband is home!" Shouted Henry and let a fourth woman kiss his neck. Eric looked around confused until Bea came out from the bedroom as naked as all the others.

"I'm sorry Eric… But he is… The One," she said with a low voice. Eric just shook his head and was close to tears.

"What fucking is this?" He said. His voice broke by the tears in his throat.

"It's called an orgy. You should leave us alone if you don't want to see me fuck you wife just like I fucked your daughter."

Eric felt the tears stream down his cheeks and ran out from the living room, through the hallway and out on the porch. He cried loudly with such heavy chest pains it felt like a heart attack. He sat down on the stairs and tried to calm himself down. He breathed deeply for a long time, he couldn't even say for how long he sat there.

"Dad?" Are you okay?” He heard his daughter ask and he looked up. Irma stood in front of him and just behind her stood Henry. Both of them looked worriedly at him with big eyes. Eric looked at Henry in confusion at first but then the anger pushed in his chest and took over his body.

"You fucking little shit!!" He screamed and attacked Henry so violently Henry fell down on the ground. Eric gave him kick after kick in the head while screaming loudly.

"Dad! Stop! Stop!" Screamed Irma and tried to make her dad stop kicking Henry that laid curled up on the pavement.

He didn't stop until two of their neighbors took a hold of him. Eric cried violently and looked down at Henry who was completely bloody in his face. Almost all of their neighbors stood outside and looked at them, looking at Eric lose his mind. They saw how a man of reason became a monster.

Eric looked down at Henry who coughed blood while Irma sat with his head in her lap and cried.

"What is happening here?!" Screamed someone behind Eric. He recognized that voice all too well. He turned around and met his wife's eyes. She had both clothes and outerwear on and a new haircut. She shook her head and looked at him like she was terrified.

"How could you..?" She said and looked down at Henry. She also sat down next to Henry.

"Call an ambulance!" Said Bea and looked at her neighbors. "And the police," she said harshly and looked at her husband. Eric cried heavy tears. He didn't understand at all what was happening. Had he lost his mind?

Henry looked up at him with big eyes. His son's eyes but then smirked. His multicolored eyes got darker and darker and were soon so black they seemed to absorb the light around him.

"Please take him away from me…" he sobbed while looking at the women of Eric's family. His eyes were still black but the women didn't react to it.

"Of course. We will never ever let him into our life again," said Bea comforting and looked at her husband coldly even if he screamed of sadness.

×××

It wasn't hard for Eric to be released from the cops. He knew them all and none of them had seen what happened. But there was also one more thing. The police chief looked at him examining when he told them about Henry. The things that felt all too unbelievable he left out but he told them how he had made sexual approaches to both his daughter and wife and was on almost every woman close to them. The deputy next to the chief smirked amused but the older police looked at Eric with a serious expression.

"Can you leave us alone a bit?" He said to the deputy who answered with a confused look but walked out from the interrogation room.

"I've seen him. Outside of high school. Talking with the older students… The female students. I've always got bad vibes. He feels like the perverted type. And… One of the girls who I've seen him with is pregnant now. Her mother is on her way to move to run from the gossiping but her husband seems to want to stay here…" said the police with a low voice. He maybe shouldn't talk like that but it was just gossip, something Eric Kiehl could have heard somewhere else.

Eric nodded and let his thoughts go wild. The women he had taken home were maybe young girls. There was something really wrong with Henry.

"Can you check him up a bit? Like… See what you can find about the kidnapping?"

The police laughed.

"I don't even believe he got kidnapped. He just had gay sex and locked himself up."

"Why would he do that?"

"Who the fuck knows. I heard some things…"

Eric looked at him with big eyes and the police shrugged his shoulders.

"Nothing I can tell you but it's fucked up shit."

When Eric got released he sat down at a bench close to the police office. He hadn't anywhere to go and didn't have energy to try to talk with his family. Henry had completely manipulated them. He really needed to find out more about the kid. Even the police chief thought the guy was creepy.

The town looked as sleepy as it always had done, there weren't many people out in the cold November weather but it had spread another coldness in the town Eric hadn't noticed and more and more young women realized they were pregnant…

×

[novastories]

Hold On

Title and chapter loosely inspired the song “Hold On” by Chord Overstreet. 

Summary: The night doesn’t go as anyone had planned, and truths are revealed as Aurora fights for her life.

Warnings: Mentions of bombing, torture (past case) and medical talk. Lots of angst in this one. 

Word Count: 4.8k

A/N: I’m sorry for not updating in a while! I hope this chapter makes up for it! We’re a few chapters away from the story ending, and I’m not ready to let it go just yet 😭 I have some works in progress though! 🫣 Thank you always to my beta reader and editor @reginleight

Also, I'm 10 followers away from 100?? That's so crazy to me! 🥺

So enjoy this chapter for now, and thank you everyone for your support if you’re still here reading this! 💜

As always, likes are great and all, but comments, reblogs, and feedback are highly appreciated and loved! 🤭

Previous | Next | Masterlist

Bradley hated the hospital.

It brought up too many bad memories. His car crash when he was in high school, visiting his mom when she had cancer, the many times he’s been in a flight accident, and seeing his godfather almost not make it from throat cancer. The hospital was not a good place for him, especially now.

“Where is my daughter?!” Maverick rushes up to the front desk of the hospital. He, Peyton, and Bradley drove in one car together as soon as they heard the news.

“Sir, calm down,” the receptionist said in a calm manner.

“I will not calm down! Where is she?!”

“Mav,” a voice spoke from the waiting room.

Peyton, Bradley, and Maverick turned to see Penny standing there, while Amelia was sitting in a chair, Carole and Goose sitting next to her. Maverick went straight to Penny as she latched onto him for a hug.

Peyton went to Amelia who was bawling her eyes out. She had CJ in her arms, since CJ was a certified therapy dog he was allowed to stay with them.

Bradley walked to his parents, who stood up and hugged their son. He was still shaking from the news.

“What’s the update, Pen?” Maverick sniffles, pulling back from the embrace.

“We don’t have anything yet, just that she’s in surgery.”

“Surgery?! What happened? What-” Peyton asks from his spot next to Amelia.

“Y-you didn’t see the n-news?” Amelia hiccups from her tears.

“What news?” Bradley turns to ask her. Amelia points at the TV and the pilots soon gaped at it.

The news headlines read “Suicide Bomber. One Dead; Few Injured. Bombing Closes NCIS Case.”

“R-rory was t-there when it happened,” Amelia whispers.

“She was out on the field?! I thought she was on desk duty!” Maverick exclaims.

“We brought her in for a case,” a firm voice spoke up, everyone in the room turning to see a group of people.

An older man with graying hair who had a stoic look on his face. Standing next to him was a man the same height as the older gentlemen with dark brown hair and a third man who was shorter and had lighter brown hair.

Trailing behind them were two women, one with darker hair tied back into a ponytail and the other dressed in a goth-like style, but looked like she was the one crying the most besides Amelia.

Bradley recognized them as Aurora’s old team in Washington.

“Agent Gibbs,” Maverick approaches them.

“Captain,” Gibbs responds as Maverick and Penny walk closer to the team.

“W-what happened?” Penny asks them, holding onto Maverick’s arm.

“Artemis went back into the field today for a case,” Gibbs tells them.

“Your daughter–” Tony starts, but his voice cracks.

“Saved a lot of people’s lives today, ma’am,” Ziva finished for him.

Penny gasps, while Maverick’s eyes fill with tears.

“She was the hostage negotiator. Once Artemis got the hostages released, she tried to get him to back down and prevent him from blowing the place up,” McGee explains. “But by the time we found out it was a suicide, it was too late. Luckily, Aurora ran out before the bomb detonated, but she didn’t make it to the barriers. She got hit by some shrapnel and lost a lot of blood.”

“We don’t know how bad it is yet. They’re still in surgery,” Gibbs informs.

The family pales at the information they had gotten.

Gibbs continues. “She offered to be the hostage negotiator. And with previous experience, I knew not to argue with her, especially since she was the best person to get all of those hostages out. Your daughter saved lots of lives today, you should be proud of her.” 

Penny sniffles as she hugs Maverick, scared about Aurora’s condition. Bradley stood stunned at what he had just heard.

He knew Aurora was a good NCIS agent, but hearing the actions she pulled today…what else had she done without them knowing, all the sacrifices she had made, why didn’t she tell them?

Gibbs’ phone rings, breaking the conversation with Aurora’s parents.

“This is the director of NCIS,” he explains to them. They nod as he turns to walk into a secluded spot to talk on the phone. The rest of the team introduce themselves to everyone in the waiting room, besides Maverick, as he had already met them. 

Later, Maverick had gotten on a phone call with Iceman to let him know the situation at hand. Bradley, Peyton, McGee, and Tony talk to each other in order to pass the time. Carole, Goose, and Penny are in a separate corner, Carole reassuring Penny that Aurora would be okay. 

Amelia had her head buried in CJ’s fur, not wanting to talk to anyone, especially since Aurora’s team had walked in. She kept her head down until she was approached by the two women on the team. She lifted her head up to get a good look at them. 

“Hi Amelia, my name is–”

“Ziva David, right? And you’re Abby Scuito,” Amelia sniffles through her tears.

“Yeah, that’s right,” Abby sits next to her, as Ziva crouches in front of her.

“Rory talks about you two a lot,” Amelia replies as she continues to pet CJ.

“She talks about you too, Amelia,” Abby croaks out before giving Amelia a small smile. “Aurora always said that you were the best little sister and skater that she knew.”

Amelia continues to pet CJ in silence, scared that she would burst into tears again.

“Did you know, CJ was a gift the team got for her?” Ziva asks Amelia, hopefully drawing her out of her thoughts.

Amelia looks up into Ziva’s eyes with wonder. “Really?”

“Yeah, and did you know Abby was the one to train him before we gave him to Aurora?”

“I train a few emotional support dogs before they get their forever home. I train a few seeing eye puppies too. When I started training CJ, I knew right away that he would be a great fit for Aurora,” Abby explained to her.

“Did she ever tell you why she named him CJ?” Amelia tearfully chuckled, as she wiped her tears with her sweater sleeve.

They both shook their heads before Amelia whispered to both of them. After hearing this, they all started chuckling, turning the heads of the people in the waiting room.

“I’m glad they’re cheering Amelia up,” Peyton sighs.

“I still can’t believe this is happening,” Bradley turns to look at the doors leading to the surgery room, hoping that there would be an update soon. He was patient with a lot of things, but this was the one time he couldn’t wait. Not when it came to her.

“Rory is strong. She’ll be okay,” McGee reassures Peyton.

“I’m her older brother. I should have done something. I should have been protecting her. I could hav–.”

“There’s nothing you could have done, Peyton,” Tony stops his ramblings. “Artemis already had made up her mind and nothing could have stopped her.”

“How did she get that nickname?” Bradley interrupts Tony, wanting to get his mind off of the situation. “Artemis? I mean Peyton got Apollo because he set a tool box on fire during a training exercise we were doing.”

“Dude, it was an accidental fire, I don’t even know how it started,” Peyton defends himself.

“There was a case,” Tony ignores Peyton’s defense. “One of her first cases as a little probie. We were trying to figure out the killer’s weapon of choice, which led to us believing it was an old throwing knife. Then Aurora kept going on about Greek mythology throwing knife uses, and how they were actually useful at the time. She wouldn’t stop rambling until she got her first Gibbs’ head slap.”

“Head slap?” Peyton looks at Tony confused.

“Yeah, you know? Like this,” then Tony proceeds to demonstrate the head slap on McGee, to which McGee retaliates and slaps him on the head back.

“Gibbs always says, ‘A slap to the face is humiliating. A slap to the back of the head is a wakeup call,” McGee explains.

“Does he do that all the time?” Bradley asks.

“It comes from a place of love,” Tony assures him.

“Also Artemis liked to play with and throw the knife she keeps on her a lot. And one time, Tony kept irritating her and she got tired of his ramblings and threw a knife at him,” McGee adds.

“Luckily, it didn’t hit me.”

“Sadly,” Ziva calls out from her seat, hearing the men talk.

Tony rolls his eyes.

“Let’s just say, Tony has been on the receiving end of the knife many times,” McGee chuckles.

This gets a chuckle out of Peyton and Bradley too at the story. Hearing some of the shenanigans Aurora got up to with her team made them feel a bit better, but the waiting went on, sinking them both back into worry.

—

A few hours had passed, Amelia was taking a nap in the chair, CJ sleeping on her lap. Ziva and Tony had gone to get food and drinks for everyone. Abby was sitting next to McGee, both had fallen asleep on each other.

Gibbs was outside taking more phone calls, as he was in and out getting calls from Director Vance and Ducky, who were worried about Aurora and making sure the case was closed.

Bradley and Peyton had passed out as well on the uncomfortable waiting room chairs, as they were exhausted from the emotional events that had occurred the past few hours.

Penny and Carole were still talking, as Maverick and Goose had gone out to take a breath of fresh air, when a doctor soon walked in, file in hand.

“Are you all here for Agent Aurora Benjamin-Mitchell?”

Penny stood up fast, everyone else snapping out from their conversations or sleep.

“I’m her mother,” she tells the doctor.

“The surgery went well, and we were able to take out the shrapnel.” 

Penny puts a hand over to her mouth as she gasps at the good news. Maverick, Goose, and Gibbs walk back just in time to hear this.

“Is she awake? What is it?” Maverick panics.

“You're the father, I presume?” The doctor asks, to which Maverick nods as he takes his place beside Penny, while Goose stands next to his son.

“Although the surgery went well, she needs rest. We had to medically induce her into a coma. We can’t predict what her recovery will look like until she comes out of it. These next few hours will be vital. We’ll continue to monitor her and run a few more tests.”

Everyone stays quiet as he tells them they can visit her, but it would have to be two people at a time, so as to not overcrowd the ICU and her room.

They all agree that Maverick and Penny should be the first to see her and as the two leave being escorted by a nurse, the doctor fills the rest of them in on the update.

“Right now is a critical time since we’ll be monitoring her and hoping she comes out of her coma soon. Some of her wounds did reopen old scars. Since some of those older scars were deeper, it was a bit harder to find some of the shrapnel, but we got them all out, we just need to wait for her to wake up to assess her situation.”

“Wait, hold on,” Bradley interrupts the doctor. “What do you mean by old scars?”

The doctor hesitates before reopening the file in his hands. 

“She has old scars from an incident from one, almost two years ago. There were multiple scars on her arms, back, and collarbone area, missing the vital organs, but enough to cause maximum pain. She had bruises and electric burns on crucial parts of her body. PTSD and panic attacks were also in her medical file, but she was getting treatment for it.”

Bradley, Peyton, and Amelia pale at hearing that.

“W-what incident?” Amelia speaks up.

The doctor opens his mouth to speak, but Gibbs interrupts him.

“I’ve got this, doctor.”

The doctor nods.

“Once the mother and father come back, another pair can go on until at least everyone has seen her. You all should go home and get some rest afterwards.”

The doctor soon leaves them to check on Aurora once again.

Gibbs turns to the awaiting eyes of Aurora's sibling and best friend. 

“Aurora didn’t want to tell you all yet–”

“Tell us what?” Peyton impatiently interrupts. McGee and Abby stood next to Gibbs, prepared to help him out in telling the story. Carole goes to Peyton trying to calm him down, and sits him next to Amelia while Goose takes the seat by Bradley, knowing how his son would react.

“About a year ago, we had a case. We were close to catching the suspect but before we could, he decided to get ahead and give himself insurance. He kidnapped Aurora.”

Bradley couldn't breathe. Amelia gasps, as Peyton starts to tear up. 

McGee speaks up from his spot. “We…we tried our best to find him quickly. But–”

“How bad?” Bradley croaks, his throat sore from the events of the day.

McGee became uncomfortable telling them, so he looked to Gibbs.

“He inflicted the fullest amount of pain that he could to her in the time she was there. Targeting areas that would bleed her out but not kill her, electrocuting her with a cattle prod to the point where she has electric burn scars,” Gibbs tells them.

Amelia immediately sobs while Peyton grips Amelia into a tight hug, tears running down his face, crying for their sister’s pain. Carole holds Amelia’s hand, her heart breaking for all of them. Goose had his hands on his son’s shoulder, who was still frozen from what he had heard.

“It took us 17 hours to find her. By the time we found her, she was covered in her own blood and fainted as soon as we got her to safety. She woke up a few days later, but stayed in the hospital for 2 weeks.”

The room stays silent, apart from the cries of Amelia and Peyton. 

“Is the bastard dead?”

Gibbs turned to see Bradley who was trying his hardest not to break down. He was not only upset, he was furious. Furious that he couldn’t protect her, mad at himself for not checking up on her sooner.

Gibbs nods. He and Ziva were the first ones to find her, and each took multiple shots at the man.

“I know it’s a lot to take in right now.”

“Why didn’t she tell us?” Amelia whimpers.

“She didn’t want to say anything because she was worried about what you would say.”

Peyton sighs. “She’s the one that got hurt and she worried about us.”

“Is that the reason she came back here?” Amelia asks Gibbs.

“She came back because she wanted to come home. Her panic attacks got a lot worse being in the field. She was going to therapy, but we all knew that her being home would make her feel better, surrounded by her family.”

Amelia nods before starting to cry again.

Bradley started becoming claustrophobic. He stood and rushed out of the room. It was too much for him.

— 

This can’t be happening. Less than 24 hours ago, he was holding her in his arms, now he may never be able to hold her again. She had suffered so much, and yet didn’t say anything. He should have known. He had so many things to still say to her, things he wanted to experience with her. But now he may never get the chance.

Finding a bench outside, Bradley sat down and buried his face into his hands. Tears started to run down his face as the emotions of the day began to hit him hard. 

Not long after he had sat down, the bench creaks from another weight sitting next to him. Bradley wipes his tears and takes his hands away from his face to see who had followed him out.

“Aurora talked about you a lot,” Gibbs breaks the silence. Bradley remained quiet, listening to what he had to say.

“She kept your bracelet in her desk, she was so scared to lose it out in the field. The first picture she put up when the team found out about her family was a photo of you and her brother. She kept all the postcards you sent her, and would always ask me what were good things to send for your care package,” Gibbs chuckles. 

“I knew she was a good agent, but I never knew all the dangers she had to face until now. I mean, she was suffering through so much and I just…I mean, I should have known,” Bradley whispers.

“You couldn’t have known.”

“I DID!” Bradley cried out. “I ignored all the signs because she told me she would come to me when she was ready. But this?! We promised we wouldn’t keep secrets from each other. This is why! How many times have I almost lost her?! How many times has she cried and I wasn’t there to protect her, to be there for her?! I-I can’t lose her, Gibbs.”

“You’re not going to lose her.”

“How do you know that?! You may not have known Aurora for long, but I’ve known her most of my life! How do you know that she’ll be fine?!” 

“Because she’s Aurora,” Gibbs states. “If there was one thing that Aurora stood by, it’s that we protect those we love. She kept this from you because she loves you and her family. She works and fights every day, just like you do to protect our country. She has the Benjamin-Mitchell blood in her. She’s a fighter,” he assures, placing a hand on Bradley’s shoulder.

Bradley sniffles and chuckles.

“She and Peyton say that all the time. The whole ‘Benjamin-Mitchell blood’ thing.”

Gibbs chuckles and retracts his hand. “She would whisper it to herself every time a case got rough. Guess I’ve heard it from her way too often.”

Bradley sighs before looking up at the sky.

“I can’t lose her, Gibbs. She’s my everything. I think about her every hour, every minute and every second I breathe. She makes me the best version of myself. She is the star I look up at in the night sky every time and know she’s always there.. Aurora is my home.”

Gibbs stills at hearing that phrase. Every hour, every minute, every second I breathe.

Aurora would always whisper that when she held a photo of Bradley and Peyton in her hands, doing the same when she held her bracelet in her hands as well. She told Gibbs it was a phrase that brought her comfort when things got low.

That no matter where her best friend and brother were in the world, she would always be thinking of them. It was a bond that no one could break.

“Aurora went through so much, but every time she came out even stronger. This time is no exception. She’ll be surrounded by family and people who love and care about her,” Gibbs comforts him.

The two sit in silence together for a moment before Bradley turns to the man next to him.

“She always talked highly of you. Said you were the reason she is the agent she is today.”

Gibbs shook his head. “She became a great agent all on her own. We work hard because you work hard. Each and every one of you who serve. Aurora became an agent to help protect those who serve when they come home. NCIS gave her that opportunity. You should be very proud of her.”

Bradley smiles at this. He was proud of her, even if he didn’t tell her often, he was proud of who she had grown to be. Even after all she’d gone through, she survived and she was still alive. That’s all Bradley could be thankful for.

—

Peyton went to take a walk inside the hospital with Goose, while Ziva and Tony arrived back to drop off the stuff they had bought. McGee and Abby had filled Ziva and Tony in on what had happened while they were gone.

Ziva goes to sit next to Amelia, who had just calmed down from crying, but still clinging onto CJ like a lifeline.

“Were you there? When Aurora was rescued?” Amelia asked her as soon as she sat down next to her. 

“I was.”

Amelia nodded at this and stayed silent.

“Your sister…,” Ziva started with a slight pause before continuing. “She fought her way through so much. She fought to come back home for you and your family. She told me that the reason she came back was that she was finally ready to let go of what had happened and come back to spend a life at home with her family.”

“I just…I wish I had known. All the sacrifices she made and all she had gone through. I used to be so mad when I never heard from her. When she came back, I was so happy to have my sister back. But, hearing that…I can’t believe I was ever mad at her.”

“It’s okay to feel all of those things, Amelia.” Ziva states, comforting her. “She always regretted not talking to you when she could. But this job takes a lot out of us. We’ve lost so much and sometimes when we go in a dark place, some don’t come back out. She didn’t want you to see her like that.”

Ziva lifts a necklace from under her shirt and shows Amelia. It was a necklace with a gold Star of David pendant.

“This was my little sister’s. Her name…was Tali.”

“That’s a beautiful name.”

“It is…Tali was my little sister and, where I come from, there’s so much hate and violence. When Tali was 16, she was killed in a Hamas suicide bombing.”

Amelia looks into Ziva’s eyes, seeing the hurt.

“It tore our family apart, and we were never the same since. I was a Mossad officer, and came here to be a liaison officer between Mossad and NCIS. But long story short, I left Mossad and became an official NCIS agent. And then, your sister came into our lives.”

Ziva smiles remembering the first time she met Aurora.

“She was so nervous at first, but soon, she became part of our team, our little family. She is stubborn, but she’s loyal and she cares so much about everyone. She became a little sister to me. And I wouldn’t change anything. Because it has led me to where I belong.”

Amelia smiles. “She is stubborn. She gets it from mom and Mav.”

They both chuckle before Ziva smiles at her. “She will be alright. I know she will be okay.”

Amelia sighs and continues to pet CJ. “Thank you, Ziva, for telling me your story, For everything. At least I knew she had someone even when we couldn’t be there for her.”

Ziva ruffles her head, lovingly, just like how she would do it to Aurora. Abby comes up to give Amelia some snacks and water, and sits besides them. The three girls make small talk together as they wait their turn to see Aurora.

—

“Uncle Goose, I’m fine, just please leave me alone.”

Peyton and Goose were standing in a secluded hallway. 

“Kid, you just heard about what happened to your sister. I am not leaving you.”

“I’m fine!”

“Pey-”

“I mean, as fine as a brother could be from hearing that his twin sister was tortured and hospitalized before! Not to mention that she might not even make it tonig–”

“Now you stop that. Your sister is going to be fine.”

“Is she, Goose?! I mean you heard the doctor! She might not even wake up, and what’s to say her state of mind after!”

Goose lets him rant while Peyton paces.

“I mean, why didn’t she say anything?! You all knew, but she couldn’t even tell us! She could have died! She could have died and would we even have known?! Why her, Goose?! Why didn’t she say anything?! Sh…I…” Peyton puts his back against the wall and slides down it. He puts his arms around his knees and sobs. 

Goose goes to sit next to him, letting him cry his emotions out.

A few minutes later, his crying subsidies, and all that was left were sniffles.

“You know, you’re taking this a lot better than your old man.”

Peyton laughs tearfully as he wipes his face with his hands.

“That bad, huh?”

“I mean, you know your dad. He may be strong and reckless, but when it comes to you and your sisters, even Amelia, you are his whole world. He blames himself for what happened.”

Peyton scoffs. “It’s not like he could have seen the future, he couldn’t have known.”

“Exactly Peyton, which is why you need to also not blame yourself. Your dad, as protective as he may be, understands why Aurora did what she did. Working for NCIS and not saying anything. Because she wanted to protect you. You and your dad have spent your whole lives worrying about her. She didn’t want you to worry about this.”

Peyton took in the words Goose had said to him. He just didn’t want his sister to hurt anymore, he wished he had told her, but he understood why. He was proud of her, that even with all that she went through, she can still smile and laugh today. And hopefully after all of this, she wouldn’t get hurt anymore.

“You doing alright in there kiddo?” Goose knocks on Peyton’s head as if he was knocking on a door after a few minutes of silence had passed. Peyton laughs.

“Yeah, I’ll be fine. She’ll be okay,” Peyton affirms not only to the universe, but to himself.

—

After Penny and Maverick came back from seeing Aurora, everyone went in pairs, Peyton and Amelia, then Goose and Carole. They were shortly followed up by Aurora's team in pairs of their own, Ziva aside, stating she didn't want anyone to see her cry and therefore went in alone.

After Ziva, Iceman and Sarah dropped by to see her. The only one who had yet to see her still, was Bradley.

��Take your time, B,” Peyton tells Bradley when it eventually came to his turn visiting her.

The sight alone of seeing Aurora laying in that bed, all wrapped up in bandages was nearly enough to break Bradley down right then.

It was a reminder to him that he couldn’t protect her, and that this time, he failed to be her knight in shining armor.

Taking the seat beside her, he watched the rise and fall of Aurora’s chest. Whether or not it was by the machine’s support, at least he knew she was breathing.

“Hey, princess.”

He knew he wasn’t going to get a response, but talking to her always made him feel better.

“The doctors don’t know if you’re able to hear what we say to you, but I don’t care if you hear me or not.”

Bradley hesitates before continuing to speak.

“Your team is pretty cool. Gibbs is really intimidating, like you’ve told me before, but seeing him in person, I see what you mean,” he chuckles.

“They told me about…about what happened, your scars, the panic attacks. Princess, I don’t know why you had to hide it all from us. I wish you told us, but I get you weren’t ready to say anything yet. Just know that when you wake up, I will spend every day making sure you’re alright, and the days that you aren’t, I want to be there for you. I will make up for all the time we lost.”

Bradley reaches for her hand and clutches it in both of his. “Gibbs said that the director of NCIS will be awarding you an award. But I know you don’t care about a stupid award. You did it to save those people. We’re so proud of you, princess. I’m so proud of you.”

The beeping of the machine fills with silence.

“So you keep on fighting, princess. Because, I don’t know how to do anything without you. Because I think of you every hour, every minute, and every second I breathe. Because, I love you Aurora, and I want us to finally have a life together, to finally be together. And I hate that time never gave us that chance, but if you just hold on a little longer, I promise I will spend every day fighting for you, for us.” 

Bradley kisses her hand as the tears run down his face. It soon was quiet, except for the beeping of the machine. All Bradley could do was watch her lay there, and that is all that mattered to him in that moment. 

Because that was the sound of her still breathing; alive and fighting.

- - -

If you would like to be on the taglist or removed, please let me know! 

Taglist:  

@callsigndragon

@purplevortexx

@sqrlgrl22

@luckyladycreator2 

@my-obsession-spn

@oxxolovemelikeyoudooxxo

@shanimallina87

@hisredheadedgoddess28

@fandom-princess-forevermore

@a-court-of-roscoe-and-baby

@genius2050

@abaker74

@kmc1989

@emma8895eb

—

Disclaimer: This story is fictitious. All works are written by me and only posted here. Please do not copy, repost, or plagiarize on any other platform without my permission!

[ynsimagines]

Taylor Swift: Falling in Love series: chapter 1

TW: this series will deal heavily with topics of physical and emotional abuse, death, grieving, murder, and foster care.

This series starts during Taylor’s “red” era.

You found yourself running. Where exactly, you weren’t sure, but any place was better than your current foster home. Your life hadn’t always been this way. For the first 7 years you had a perfectly happy life with two loving parents who loved each other…or so you thought.

Tears flowed freely down your cheeks blurring your vision not realizing you were now in the road. The dark made it so that you don’t see the car coming straight at you which collides with your body.

The driver of the car is a young women in her mid twenties you had run out in front of her so quickly she barely had time to slam on the brakes. She gasps as the car hits the girl jumping out immediately and running to your side.

“Honey, can you hear me?” She asks kneeling down. The women pulls her phone out of her pocket immediately dialing 911. A groan passes your lips and the older women sighed a breath of relief before the call connects her to emergency services and she is able to tell them what happened. “Honey, my name is Taylor, can you hear me? An ambulance in on the way.”

Just that second you hear sirens in the distance and Taylor looks around. “Taylor?” She’s surprised to hear you say her name but is just glad you’re responsive.

“I’m right here, sweetie, you’re not alone. Just try to hang in there.” She can’t imagine how scared you must be, especially as the paramedics and police rush to your side and you reach out for Taylor’s hand.

“Do you know this girl?” Asked an officer.

Taylor shook her head, “she ran out in front of my car I tried to stop but it was too late.”

“We need to move you now okay?” Says the paramedic. You started to panic, tears streaming down your face hospitals reminded you of what happened your mom a couple of years ago.

“Sweetheart, it’s okay,” said Taylor trying to calm you down. “Is it okay if I ride with her she asked.” Luckily they agree so Taylor climbs into the ambulance with you before heading off to the hospital.

Taylor didn’t leave the hospital once since you’d arrived. They can’t identify you until you’re awake. Taylor felt she at least owed you her company after what you went through tonight. However, she also couldn’t help but feel a connection towards you. Taylor tries to brush off the feeling by telling herself you probably have two very loving parents that will be worried sick when they find out where you are. The singer had recently been told by a doctor she’d never be able to have her own kids which broke her heart because she had always wanted a family some day. Plus she had just broken up with her boyfriend Jake and it’d be difficult to bring any child into the spotlight.

“Mom…” Taylor jumps as you start to wake up, mumbling.

“It’s going to be okay honey. They’re trying there best to get a hold of your family. Taylor says gently as she strokes her thumb over your fingers as you become more aware of your surroundings.

“What happened?” Where am I?” You start to panic and a nurse runs into the room. Taylor smiles gently trying to soothe you. “You’ve been in a accident honey you’re at Vanderbilt hospital.”

Suddenly the memories of the night before come rushing back. “Oh, it was all just a dream. You’re Taylor Swift.” You can’t help but blurt out this just makes Taylor laugh nodding her head.

“Yes I am, love.”

The nurse makes sure I am stable and says that she’ll be back soon with the doctor. “Can you tell me your name, honey?”

“Y/N,” you said shyly. Taylor squeezed your hand.

“What about your last name?” She asked curiously.

You shrugged. “I don’t have one.”

“What do you mean?” Everyone has a last name,” she pushed.

“It’s just the person who gave me mine, he…” just then the doctor walks in.

He asks similar questions to Taylor and explains to you that they’re going to run some tests to figure out how bad your brain injury was. However you weren’t listening to a single word the man said soon enough they’d contact your foster parents and you’d be back in that place.

Taylor notices how tense you’ve become and starts to worry. “Honey, what’s wrong?” She asks gently. Taylor knows what fear looks like and she’s never seen anyone look more scared than you do right now.

“My foster parents are terrible, please don’t make me go back. They hurt me. They’ve let other people hurt me they starve me,” you said. You didn’t know why you were telling Taylor this she had so many other things to worry about. You didn’t think she’d be able to help you, but for some reason you trusted her.

“How have they hurt you, baby?” Just then the doctor walked back into the room asking if he could speak to Taylor alone outside.

“I’ll be right back sweetheart. I’m just going to talk to the doctor.”

“What’s going on?” She asked lookin at the doctor’s sad expression.

“Upon examining Y/N, I’ve noticed extensive injuries. One’s that are too old to have been a result of the car accident. I believe whoever she’s living with is abusing her,” he said.

Taylor felt her heart break upon the doctor’s confirmation. She thought she was going to be sick. Who hurts a ten year old they’re supposed to care for. “She told me the same thing. What do we do? I don’t want to send her back there?”

“You can file for emergency custody. I’ll file a police report, say I don’t think Y/N is safe with her foster parents. The authorities as well as the adoption agency will investigate the couple Y/N’s been staying with.”

Taylor thought about it briefly. She had been wanting to be a mom her whole life now was her chance to try it out. You seemed so sweet and you deserved to know what it’s like to feel loved and safe.

“Okay, I’ll do it.”

[edgessunflower]

New legacy

Pairing: Jojo Offerman x Fem reader

Description: JoJo finds out who your mom was leading to an emotional moment after becoming women's champion

Jojo is in awe of looking at pictures of you as a child after the two of you had been together for the past six and a half months noticing a few pictures of you with well known wrestlers. She finds one of a woman holding a baby in the hospital with two other women "That's my mom holding me along with my aunt and grandma" she smiles seeing you as a newborn turning with surprise when she looks at the other picture beside it seeing Chyna "Chyna wait she..." you nod with tears as you hold the picture of you and your mom against your heart as tears flowed down your face and grief washed over you being pulled into a hug by jojo telling her how much your mom loved her career but slowly gave up at redemption in the last few years before her passing feeling disgusted by people who called showing their apologies and how they cared for your mother when they pretty much abandoned her after she was let go from WWE the only few people who you knew growing up and stay in contact with that were close with your mom was Billy Gunn, you started wrestling late in your junior year of highschool starting your career in a small indie circuit before wrestling with ROH staying far away from WWE until eight months back when a few people on the roster saw one of your matches finally switching to WWE where you not only became a fan favorite but also reminded fans of your mom's legacy and the shit she went through during her time. Two and a half months into your career you met jojo becoming friends which slowly blossomed into a romance, you share a hug with jojo before walking to the ring for a match against Sasha to become women's champion wearing your mom's old gear that she wore when she became women's champion at Wrestlemania seven fighting tooth and nail after putting sweat, blood, and tears to have this match and not taking any shit from anyone who stood in your way crying after being announced the winner sharing a kiss and hug with jojo once you were in your locker room after being surrounded by your friends "You did what no one allowed your mom to do and she'd be proud" the words make your heart swell and more emotions flood out knowing your mom was smiling and over the moon of who you've become over the past two years since her passing paving your way in the world that never truly let her shine and the first moment of your legacy in the universe of WWE.

[mindful-of-ideas]

TW: suicide (not explicit/graphic but lots of talks about it)

A/N: We’ll just pretend like Neil didn’t actually die, it was a failed suicide attempt. I won’t go into details, so imagine whatever you want.

This was probably the worst Christmas ever. Not because your brother, Neil, was still in the hospital. Not because your parents were arguing all the time. Because you were alone. And being alone sucks. So yes, this was the worst Christmas.

After learning about Neil’s attempt. Your mom begged you to come back home early, while your dad couldn’t care less, as long as your grades didn’t suffer from it. You were generally appreciated by your teachers and managed to get out of school a week earlier. Anyway, you did agree with your mom, you had to come back home, not for them but for Neil.

He and you had always been close growing up. You weren’t the best at making friends and often you would just hang out with him. Never did he make you feel like you weren’t welcome. As you grew up, your bond only got stronger. You could talk about anything with him, share even your deepest and darkest thoughts, and he could do the same. Hence, you knew he wasn’t doing all too well. But you also knew that he had just met someone, someone marvellous, who could change his life. Maybe naively, you thought that this boy was enough to keep the darkness at bay, but you were wrong.

No matter how much your dad was blaming himself. No matter how much your mom was blaming herself. No matter how much Todd was blaming himself. No matter how much Neil’s friends were blaming themselves.

You were the one to blame.

“We are not having Christmas dinner tomorrow night!” you heard your dad scream from downstairs.

“Yes, we are! Neil is getting out tomorrow,” said your mom.

“Christmas dinner is on the 24th, after mass. That’s how it’s always been and how it will always be. That’s it!”

“Well, I’m not cooking anything!”

“Yes, you will be!”

This didn’t sound good at all. You wanted to get out of the house before something else happened. You tiptoe out of your room and quietly made your way downstairs. Your mom said something you couldn’t quite hear.

“Women!” said your dad in retaliation.

You froze. You didn’t want to, because you had to get out. But it was like this massive weight had suddenly dropped on your chest and you couldn’t do anything. Breathing was becoming more and more difficult. You tried your hardest to calm down, but you couldn’t focus your eyes on anything. Everything was blurry.

“Sweetie, are you going on your Christmas walk?” your mom suddenly asked.

That snapped you out of it.

“Y-yes… I won’t be too long.”

And quickly you put on your coat and boots and headed out.

Your Christmas walk was actually Neil and your Christmas walk. Usually, on Christmas Eve, you would go on a walk, just the two of you, catching up on the months you spent apart. You would walk for as long as you needed, sometimes not even talking, just enjoying each other’s presence and the quietness of the winter day.

And so you walked alone for a while, not really knowing where to go.

“Y/N!” someone called out.

You turned just in time to see Charlie almost fall head first in the snow trying to put on his coat and boots at the same time. Charlie while Neil’s best friend. Well, even more than that, he was his childhood best friend. You knew him too, of course, you were even close to him once upon a time. But high school and Welton got in the way, and you barely saw each other anymore.

“Y/N, wait up!”

“Hi, Charlie.”

“Hey,” he said, finally reaching you, “would you…”

He dropped down and started tying his boots.

“Yeah, I’ll wait.”

After a minute, he got up again.

“Hi,” he said, smiling.

“Hi.”

“How are things, is Neil back home?”

“Um… things are… okay… Neil is only coming back tomorrow though, I thought you knew.”

“No, I tried to call to ask, but your dad hung up on me.”

“That’s not fair!”

“It’s okay…”

“It’s absolutely not okay! You deserve to know! My dad’s a jerk anyway.”

“Why are you… did something happen?”

He sounded more worried than you would’ve thought. Charlie was, well, Charlie. You couldn’t go telling him how much you hated your dad and how much life at home had been hell since Neil’s attempt. So you didn’t say anything.

The both of you kept on walking for a while, aimlessly, in silence.

“So were you like waiting for me to walk down the street,” you finally asked, breaking the silence.

“No, well, Neil once told me about your Christmas walks and I thought maybe I could catch you, see how things were, but I wasn’t like camping out at the window or anything, that would be totally weird… I wasn’t being weird…”

“What did Neil tell you?” you asked, completely avoiding his awkwardness.

“Just that you would go on walks on Christmas Eve.”

You fell silent again. You walked down a couple more streets.

“How was school?” he asked.

“Okay, probably not as fun as your semester. Professor Keating, right?”

“Yeah, he was cool…”

Silence again. A few more streets.

“Having a nice Christmas,” you asked.

“As good as it can get with…”

Silence. More walking.

You weren’t really keeping track of where you were walking, and suddenly you were at the edge of a forest. When you were a kid, you used to go out there and play for hours, pretending to do magic and talking to forest spirits. That was until your dad learned about it and firmly made you understand you weren’t allowed there ever again. He was right, for once, because the forest had absolutely no path. Even on a sunny day, you could easily get lost and on days like this Christmas eve, you could easily die if you didn’t make it back out.

You weren’t thinking anymore, only walking.

“Y/N?” said Charlie, grabbing your wrist.

You wriggle free of his grip and kept walking.

“Y/N!” he said, grabbing your wrist again, this time pulling you to him.

You didn’t even react and almost crashed into him. You were so close, you had to look up to meet his eyes.

“Y/N, what was that? You were like a ghost! You could die of like hypothermia if you headed out there! That’s not like you to act like that!”

“Maybe it is…”

“You… Y/N…” he said softly, “I need you, you can’t… you can’t do that!”

He pulled you closer to him, one hand wrapping around your waist, the other pushing your head down on his shoulder. And you cried. And cried and cried and cried. You cried until there wasn’t any force left in you for you to cry even more. Then slowly you pulled away from him. You looked up, only to see that his eyes were red. He gently placed a hand and your cheek, wiping a single tear before it froze.

“I know I’m being selfish by saying that I need you, but it’s the truth. I won’t shy away from it. But you got to find your own reasons to stay, you can’t just do it for me. But I’ll help you if you want me to.”

You smiled at him. A genuine smile, that was probably the first since you heard about Neil.

“Thank you,” you whispered.

“Now come on,” he said, wrapping his arm around your shoulder and leading you away from the forest, ”I hope you like turkey, cause my mom made way too much! And we’ll call your parents to invite them once we’re home.”

“Did your mom make her apple pie?”

“You bet she did, why?”

“We should save some for Neil.”

“Then we will!”

[razorsadness]

The end of April/first half of May was a really bad time. First L., the octogenarian gay man who is a neighbor of mine, whom I help out sometimes and like to visit with, was in the hospital. One of our other neighbors (who also helps him out) notified me, so that I could grab his mail when they couldn’t do it. Fortunately, he’s since come home and he’s doing okay, but I was so worried.

During the time he was in the hospital, D. (my 12 y.o.) was having some health issues (side effects from his meds), so I was calling around to/taking him to various doctor’s appointments and pharmacies to try and get that figured out.

And if that wasn’t enough, at the very end of April my mom had a big health emergency and had to go to the emergency room. And after that she had to go in every other day for more tests and whatnot, so I had to help a lot with my parents’ dog, and cleaning, and etc. Which of course I don’t resent having to do, but it was a lot on top of everything else. Not to mention, there was a period of a week or so when we didn’t fully know what was going on and thought she might be imminently dying and I couldn’t stop crying and yes, I have a complex relationship with my mom that is not always the healthiest, but I do love her, and want her to stick around for a good long while.

Because of all of the above, I had to cancel a bunch of plans for things I had really wanted to do, and it bummed me the fuck out. Again, it’s not that I resent having a responsibility to the other people in my life, but I was just fucking sad. Not to mention that everything I canceled was the fun and interesting stuff, so all that was left in my life for a couple weeks was the shitty stuff. And all work and no play make Jack a dull boy, y’know?

No, I didn’t become a maniacal axe murderer, but I did cry all the time, and the littlest things set me off so my poor partner and kiddos got snapped at a lot. And I couldn't sleep because of everything on my mind, and of course the lack of sleep made me even more stressed and moody. And speaking of axe wounds...I got my period twice in May because of all the stress.

Despite giving up fun things and focusing on responsibilities for a couple of weeks, I still got behind on pretty much everything, art/work-wise. I managed to complete the 30/30, but I failed on the fundraising aspect (I didn't even get halfway to my fundraising goal, and some of what I did make is money I put in). And I didn't finish April's mini-zine for my zine subscribers until May, or May's until almost June, and now it is June and I'm just finally about to send out April and May's zines and the perks for the people who did contribute to the fundraiser. I'm trying not to beat myself up over it, though, because that would just make me stressed again, just when I'm finally chilling out a bit.

In mid-May, we took the kids on a day trip/field trip to Chicago, primarily to visit the Shedd Aquarium. It was a great day; filled, of course, with nostalgia. We took Amtrak, so of course I had all of the train feelings. Every train song I know (and I know a lot) got stuck in my head. When I saw the southbound train approaching the Sturtevant station, I started singing "Mystery Train." Train, train, comin' 'round, 'round the bend... On the train down, I saw two egrets in the wetlands of southeast Wisconsin/northeast Illinois. I also overheard a conversation between two women who were talking about their kids. One was talking about her 14 y.o. daughter and said: "I used to be a little worried she was a lesbian, because she was kind of a tomboy, and her best friend is a lesbian. But then she started wearing dresses and makeup so I know she can't be a lesbian!" And I was just thinking: oh, oh honey, do you not know that femmes exist? At Union Station, I saw a few older skinheads hanging out in the Great Hall, and as I got closer to them I realized—holy shit, I know a couple of them. Not like, super well, but they were guys that ran in some of the same circles I did circa oh, 1998-2004. One of them smiled at me and gave me a nod. I'm not sure if he recognized me, too, or if he could just tell I had similar subcultural roots. I thought I looked pretty normie that day, but I find that no matter what I'm wearing, fellow queers and people with similar subcultural backgrounds can usually recognize that I'm one of them. (By the same token, I've had bigots clock me as an LGBTQ or just a freak even when I think I look pretty normie.)

As always when I'm in that part of Chicago, I got my own poem ("Way Down Here on Canal Street") stuck in my head. Way down here on Canal Street / the bike messengers stare you down / and businessmen brush right past you / in their rush to get out of town...

The Shedd Aquarium was awesome; the kiddos loved it, and I loved it, too—I hadn't been there in about 27 years, so it was like a brand-new experience. There were so many queer babes working there, which was nice, of course. The weirdest thing that happened is that I saw an ex-something-or-other of mine; he was there with his wife, just as I was there with my husband and kiddos. He saw me, too; we both went wide-eyed like we'd seen a ghost, and it was sorta like that, considering we hadn't seen or spoken to one another in like twenty years. We both pointedly avoided saying hello to each other, though, and honestly, thank god. I call him an ex-something-or-other because we never actually dated; we had a very ill-advised fling and it kinda ruined both our lives for a bit.

It's funny, though not entirely surprising, that I ran into not one but three people from my past. Chicago is a massive fucking city, yet every time I am down there, I run into at least one person I (used to) know. And it makes more sense if it's in the context of a zine fest or a punk show, or even at an old haunt like Delilah's, but at the aquarium and the train station? (Insert Tom Waits in that one interview, saying: Everybody knows me...at the dump.)

After leaving the aquarium, we wandered around the Museum Campus/Grant Park/Northerly Island for a while, and I took a bunch of photos. I saw Navy Pier sticking out into the lake and got that same old poem of mine stuck in my head. Above the Ferris wheel on Navy Pier / the golden light is fadin'... We sat at an outdoor table, got harassed by red-winged blackbirds. I saw ghosts (legitimate ghosts, not just people from my past) darting around out of the corners of my eyes. I told my kids about the time I went swing dancing at the Field Museum after dark.

Then we headed to Printer's Row and had some really good Japanese food, before heading back to the train station to catch our train home. As our Uber driver neared the station, we went by a wall that had once had some graffiti on it. It had been painted over, but you could still see traces of the graffiti beneath the paint. The light hit just right for me to read what had been written there before they painted over it: Sweet Home Chicago. And yes, oh yes; I thought, once again, of that Lucy Sante quote about New York I think of every time I'm in Chicago: ...I was changed forever by it, my imagination is manacled to it, and I wear its mark the way you wear a scar. We had just enough time for the kids to have a snack and P. and I to have a beer in the station food court/bar before catching the Hiawatha north. On the train home, I watched the city fall away from me, water towers and loft apartments fading into the gloaming, and I felt happysad, the way I always do when I've been in Chicago and have to leave again.

Back at the train station in Sturtevant, C. and I spotted the first cricket of the year, and in the car on the way home, the DJ on my favorite radio station played Sufjan Stevens's "Casimir Pulaski Day," which, after a day in Chicago, really hit me straight in the gut.

Since then, life has been mostly about catching up on writing and art stuff, while also trying to take it easy on myself. After all the stress of late April and the first part of May, I decided that one of my goals for this spring-into-summer season is to get healthier, both mentally and physically. So I've been drinking less coffee and more tea; less booze and more sparkling water. I've also been cooking delicious, healthy meals, doing yoga regularly, and taking long walks, as well as reading a lot of books and watching the new season of Doctor Who + a bunch of filmed plays.

Two Saturdays ago (i.e., not just this past Saturday, but the one before), I had an adventure day with C. (6 y.o.). It was the nicest day we'd had in a while, after days of rain, so he really wanted to do some outdoor exploring. D. didn't want to go, and P.'s back was hurting, so we decided P. would stay home with D. and C. and I would go out. At first I was a little annoyed, thinking it would be a waste of my time to do that when I could be home doing writing work, but then I was like: "Damn, that's the must-be-productive-24/7 capitalism mindset talking. How could spending time with my kiddo and going out exploring in nature ever be a waste of time?!" So I packed a picnic lunch and off we went.

We went to two places where I have so many memories from the past, oh, 25 years—Petrifying Springs Park, and the beach near Carthage College. I like taking my family to places (like Chicago, like Petrifying Springs) where I've spent a lot of time; it's nice to create new memories that involve all of us, so I'm not just nostalgic for ye olde days when thinking of those places. (Not that I won't still be nostalgic for ye olde days; what I mean is creating new memories with beloved people in beloved places makes it so that I'm not just nostalgic for a long-ago time.)

We started at Pet Springs. We had our picnic lunch, and then hiked around a bit near the marsh and the Pike River. Then I let C. have some playground time, and I got my flirt on with a hot dad who was there with his kids. I was wearing my Tom Waits shirt and he said: "Great shirt. I love Tom Waits." An attractive guy with a lot of sailor-style tattoos, who obviously spends quality time with his kids, and likes Tom Waits? Gimme. So we chatted for a bit, and casually flirted. It wasn't heavy or serious flirting—on either of our parts—just that sort of casual flirting that's like "oh, this person is intriguing and attractive, and maybe in another life we might've had something."

It's weird to me that some people think that flirting is outside the bounds of a monogamous relationship. I mean, I guess I can understand if it crosses the line into serious flirting—i.e., flirting with the intent to pursue something more, or making a lot of sexual/romantic comments—but some people think even casual flirting counts. Whereas I think everyone should do more casual flirting—people in monogamous relationships, people in poly relationships, single people, even ace and aro people. Casual flirting is good for the soul, and it doesn't have to "mean" anything.

After we left Petrifying Springs, we drove to the beach. Because of the direction we were coming from, we drove part of the way on the spur road that connects the east-west county roads with Highway 32, and I thought of another one of my own poems—"Highway 32." Particularly the part that goes: here is the spur road back of / the river flanked by the / cemetery & the trailer park.

We spent a good hour exploring the beach: we discovered a party hut built from stones and driftwood, and walked the labyrinth, and got our feet wet in the cold cold lake, and picked up cool rocks.

The past week and a half has involved a lot of nostalgia (what else is new?). I've been sorting through stuff from Mays n' Junes (n’ other times) past (it's almost nostalgia-blogging time again), and it hit me, like really hit me, that it was twenty years ago that I first saw World/Inferno live. And it really did change my life. And then I thought about how May also marked 19 years since Kimball died (well, March was the anniversary of his death, but I didn't find out until May), and three years since Jack Terricloth died, and how I used to think of Kimball when listening to certain W/IFS songs like "Brother of the Mayor of Bridgewater" and "Thirteen Years Without Peter King," and how now I think of him but also of Jack when I hear those songs. I don't think I'll ever get over either of their deaths. That's the weird thing about grief. You can learn to live with it, you can grow around it, but you don't "get over" it, not in the traditional sense of the phrase.

I don't know. I feel kicked in the chest by the passage of time, always, like where does the time go? How are these things that I still remember so vividly things that happened ten, fifteen, twenty, twenty-five, thirty years ago? But on the other hand, I'm constantly mystified at how easy it is to be hurtled back in time to the site of a memory in a way that feels physical, like almost literal time travel. Like last week: I was listening to Billy Bragg for the first time in a while, and wearing this vanilla scent that smelled just like this incense I used to use as a teenager, and suddenly I was eighteen again, sitting in the spare room at the house on College Avenue, burning incense, listening to Billy's plaintive British voice, typing away on my old electric typewriter.

I've had some vivid and intense dreams in the past week. In one of them, I basically dreamed the entire plot of a novel. In the dream, I was reading the novel, but then I was also in the novel. The dream woke me up in the middle of the night and I jotted down notes about everything I remembered. And in the morning, when I reread them—they actually made sense, and I think there's the seeds of a good story there. It's speculative fiction/soft sci-fi, somewhat dystopian but also hopeful. So thanks, subconscious!

The other notable dream I've had of late was more of a "fuck you, subconscious" one. In that dream, I reconnected with Sullivan, and we got back together—and ended up making it work, this time around. It was a beautiful dream, don't get me wrong, but it hurt to wake up from, and know it was only a dream, and an impossible one, at that. It's not that I'd rather be with him than with P., or that I'd rather have that life than the one I currently have. It's just—it's just the unfairness of life, that we can't be with all the people we've ever loved, or live in all the places we've loved, or even pursue all the interests and careers we might have had. So what I felt waking up from that dream was not regret, but saudade—a longing for the way things might have been.

Also last week I trimmed a good inch off my hair (most of which was split ends) and trimmed my bangs shorter again, and it's a miracle how much better even a little trim can make me feel about myself.

Now it's June. Magic month. I've already seen the first fireflies of the summer. They're early, this year, and I'm happy. The rabbits that live in our backyard, that C. initially christened Paul Westerberg and Tommy Stinson, had five babies. C. has since renamed them, but I still think of them as Paul and Tommy, so it's extra specially hilarious to me when I think: "Oh, Paul had babies, and Tommy's the dad!" Happy Pride, MPREG is real! Haha. Speaking of Pride and silliness—the other day, I was typing "Oscar Wilde" into a note on my phone, and autosuggest thought I might be meaning to type "Oscar Wildfire," and now, holy shit, if I ever get to do the drag king thing, I have my stage name.

It's also P.'s and my anniversary week—we've been married for fourteen years, together for fifteen. Today's our official wedding anniversary, and is also fifteen years to the day from the night I first told P. I was in love with him. I know I say this every year, but despite all the ups-and-downs of our relationship over the years, and my boundless longing, there's still no one I'd rather be doing this with than him.

My mom gave me a few peonies from her yard so I could put them on our table, because peonies were my wedding flower, and now my whole house smells of their heavy perfume.

And this weekend is shaping up to be pretty good. On Saturday night, I'm going to hang out with Beagan—we're going to the closing reception of the art show of another good friend of ours, and then we're going to have a drink and catch up back at her place. And on Sunday, P. and I get to have a date night. My parents are going to watch the kiddos and we're going to go have a beer at a new-ish local brewery we've been meaning to try, then come home and grill up some steaks and veggies.

[iloveanimalsmorethanhumans]

It's been 14 years, now...Wow....

Story time! For those who are not aware of what went down in my life 10 years ago, and even for those who were,

Here's the story:

10 years ago I was a divorced Mama, renting a room in a house with two other women, trying to juggle work and motherhood and I was pretty miserable.

I had just broken up with a guy who turned out to be a severe alcoholic. (Oh, the irony.)

I had spent the evening before hanging out with one of my best friends, laughing at the silliest things until my stomach hurt. I felt pretty good that night. I didn't get home until about 2 a.m. and I had work the next morning.

That same night someone else was up all night, not having nearly as much fun. She and her boyfriend were up all night fighting, and drinking.

At 7 a.m. I managed to get myself up and out the door. I was tired, but still happy.

The other woman would be leaving her boyfriend's house soon. Drunk, and not happy at all. She would have a bottle of wine with her.

My memories of what happened next shatter into bits and pieces.

I can remember voices, talking, being on the side of the road, arguing with the first responders about whether I was wearing a seatbelt or not. Yelling at the same first responders to call Lowe's and tell them I was going to be a little late.

I don't remember much for a while. Totally missed the helicopter ride to Christiana.

I digress. What I forgot was the part where that other woman and I met, in the middle of the road, head on.

The impact spun my van around and caused it to flip. I was partially ejected from the passenger side, partially in a ditch with the top of the passenger side on my chest.

There was a farmer who heard the collision and my screams. (I don't remember screaming, but given the situation it seems to have been an appropriate response.

He called 911 and held the van up off of me until they got there. (I would meet him a little over a year later in better circumstances.)

The time after that is kind of a blur. 3 weeks in the hospital getting pieced back together. My ankle was crushed and some of the bones decided to check out the world outside of the flesh.

My father and Step Mom came up from North Carolina and immediately jumped into cleaning up all of my loose ends and figuring out how to help me piece my life back together.

There are two metal plates and some screws in my leg, they became the plates and screws for the rest of me. I'll be eternally grateful for that.

I'll also always be grateful to my cousins who drove over as soon as they heard so the first people I could see after surgery were family. That still resounds with me, and remains an important memory in the fog.

It took 10 long months, moving to North Carolina, leaving my son here, almost losing my leg to infection, a lot of tears, a lot of laughter, and so much patience and determination.

I look back and can mark the changes in my life since then. The full extent of my injuries wouldn't be discovered for a few years. Hello head injuries and brain damage!

Yeah, I've been through a lot. Some days I struggle more than others, but I survived, and I am thriving. Although some days I can't see it, and depression doesn't just go away after you survive something like that, no matter what the movies show, but the good days outnumber the bad, and overall, I am happy, and I love my life. I'm grateful for it, and I'm grateful for the people sharing it with me. ❤

[jam1ru]

“ THE PICTURE ”

“Is this… home?” Kara asked the old woman beside her.

“Yes, my dear. This is our home.”, said the old woman.

Kara just got home from the hospital. She was in a coma for two years, and is now suffering from post-traumatic amnesia after a major car accident. After a few stimulation-therapy sessions, Kara is finally well to go home. Kara stood by the entrance of her home, and instinctively touched her ring. For some reason, that ring gave her comfort, but sadly she didn’t know, or rather, couldn’t remember why.

The two women entered the house. It was just a simple home, nothing too fancy. Walls are covered with beautiful exterior and interior shots of various places that look like they were shot by a professional. Kara’s childhood photos were also hanging beside those too.

“Do you want to take a rest, my dear?”, the old woman asked.

Kara looked at the old woman. “Would that be alright?”, Kara replied.

“Of course, my dear. Your room is upstairs, by the right side of the hall”.

Kara went to her room and there, she came across a wooden door. Her name is etched on it. Feeling nervous, Kara touched her ring again. She feels guilty for suddenly forgetting all the good memories that have happened to her in this home. But, it couldn’t be helped. Kara took a deep breath and with courage, opened the door. There, she saw how organized her room was despite her two-year absence. She had an old painting hanging up by her wall, and a vase of fresh yellow dahlias sitting by her bedside table. But what stood out the most to her is her big shelf filled with books. Without hesitation, Kara instantly went to her shelf.

“I must’ve liked reading huh…”, Kara thought to herself.

She scanned the shelf from top to bottom, all spaces filled with books. She traced her fingers by the books when she stopped after noticing something that looked out of place. It was a small photo book. Curiosity hit her. Thus, she opened the little photo book when suddenly, a picture fell off. She picked up the photo, and there she saw a beautiful interior shot. She couldn’t tell whom and where it was taken from, but it somehow left a nostalgic warm feeling in her chest. But at the same time, she couldn’t ignore the fact that this memory from that certain place got unintentionally erased. Fate can be really cruel.

She set the picture aside, then proceeded to look at the small photo book. There, she saw a picture of a young girl and a young boy. Strange, she thought. She knew that the young girl was her, but she couldn’t recall who the latter was. Curious, she went through the next pages. There, she witnessed the growth of the two youngsters into very fine adults. As she flipped through the pages, she noticed how the two got closer.

I struck her. The nostalgic, warm feeling she got after seeing that picture. The mysterious boy in her album. She concluded that this person is her special someone. She got excited, thinking that she had to meet him again. It has been 2 years, after all.

She quickly got out of her room and hurriedly went downstairs. She happily called for her mother who was cooking in the kitchen. The old woman was startled with her sudden appearance.

“My goodness, dear! What is it?”

“Mom! I-I.. I remembered something! Someone, actually!”

“Oh dear, that’s great! Tell me, who is it that you remember?”

“The guy from my photo album! He must be someone special to me right? I want to meet him! Where is he? There must be a way to contact him right?” Kara showed the small photo book to her mother.

The old woman turned pale. She stared at her daughter, with eyes filled with pity. She went to her daughter and hugged her.

“...Mother?”, Kara asked.

“My dear, that boy’s name is Joseph. You two have been very close since childhood. And yes, you are right. He is your special someone. If you want to be more specific, he was your fiance.”

Kara blushed. She felt delighted after knowing that there is someone who cares for her other than her own mother. It made her feel even more excited to meet this man. But, something that her mom said bugged her.

“ ‘Was’? Mother, what exactly…?”

The old woman took a deep breath.

“Two years ago, you and Joseph went to a museum. The both of you were really into history at the time. You two went there to celebrate your six-year anniversary as a couple. By chance did you see the photo of a museum’s interior?”

Kara nodded. She then looked at her ring again.

“That picture was taken by you, my dear. You loved to take pictures. I remember you talking about this through the phone that day. You said, after you took that picture you never expected your life to take a turn.”

Kara gave her mother a confused face. After a few seconds, Kara then realized what her mother was trying to point out.

“After taking that photo, he proposed to you. That ring you’re wearing right now is proof of that.”

Kara finally understood why her ring gave her comfort. It was given by her beloved. That’s why she still feels the urge to cherish it despite losing most of her memories.

“However on the way home, you two got into an accident. Joseph, that boy. He is the most selfless person I have ever met. He made sure to put you first before anything else.”

Kara looked at her mother straight to the eye.

“Mother… is he…”, Kara asked with tears forming her eyes.

“I’m so sorry, my dear.”, the old woman said.

The room filled with silence.

“I see. Then, I’ll go back to my room.”

Kara went back straight to her room. She lost all the energy she had just a few minutes ago. After hearing their tragic story, she finally broke down. Multiple tears started dripping down from her eyes. To think that he died on the day of their engagement. To think that he died because of her.

Kara felt even more guilty. She felt guilty for not being able to protect her love. She felt guilty for not being able to remember him. She felt guilty for not grieving for him on the day of his death.

Kara’s bright room turned dull. She then took another look at her photo with Joseph.

“I’m so sorry, Joseph. I’m so sorry... Please, forgive me”, are the words that she stated while holding the face of her beloved. She couldn’t stop the tears dripping off of her eyes. She couldn’t do anything. She wept and wept, up until those tears made her physically tired. She then layed down on her bed, and stared at her ceiling,

"Fate… really is cruel", she thought.

THE END.

[altarflame]

2022 Year in Review

2022. Ok. "Bad" and "good" are not super nuanced nor mutually exclusive (life is complex!) but they're what I'm doing.

The bad was extensive enough that I really wanted to find some catharsis in putting it all down at once, and maybe even having a couple of people read it all and go, dang.

Bad: -I had a terrible ear infection, and then such an extreme reaction to my antibiotics. This crap really ate up most of January with pain, appts, vertigo, side effects (terrible joint pain! complete lethargy!), etc. -Aaron called us hurt badly one day, from the skate park - ER trip later we learned it was a serious break. He had to wait a week for the swelling to go down before they could operate. Total agony. -But Jan and Feb were also full of constant text and phone support for one of my two long term best friends, Kristin, who was caring for her dying sister Keegan (someone I'd hung out with lots of times, been to multiple homes of, etc) up in Maryland. Hospice in the living room, cancer play by plays, very heavy. Many emotional calls to my own sister. -Aaron's ankle hardware installation surgery was super triggering for me (I have hospital/surgery ptsd), though of course I kept it together for him and sobbed to Sterling about it later....and Aaron was incredibly pissed and very hard to be around for weeks of immobility, which he's never been able to handle. I was up all night with him in pain, calling a doctor, twice.   -We all caught COVID in February, were pretty dang sick for a couple of weeks, and then had the brain fog/exhaustion for another month+ after - I have been back on maintenance inhalers for the first time in years, ever since. -Keegan died Feb 20.  

So you're perhaps seeing that already, just a couple of months in, this year is really kicking my ass, eh? It's kind of funny, I was all set on setting some intentions as January rolled out and THAT NEVER HAPPENED. Continuing....

-Ananda and Pierre broke up, after 6 years together. -I walked out of my house one day and found my car had a giant tree branch through the windshield. -Sterling had some scary (though ultimately benign) post-covid problems that sent us to the ER in the middle of the night. -Over the late spring/early summer TWO other social workers in my region left my company (for totally different personal reasons), both women who'd worked there for years, and I was suddenly contending with a totally untenable triple caseload. I couldn't take any PTO for months, which is hard to deal with at my particular job, and was regularly still working late every Friday. So many stupid emergencies, so much anxiety interacting with management. Totally overwhelming. -Sterling and I still made it down to Pompano on a whirlwind weekend, to stay overnight and attend Keegan's celebration of life, which was a Cake-as-the-soundtrack Hipster extravaganza with an open bar and a poorly formatted slideshow. These are details Kristin and I laughed about. It was wonderful to see her mom and son again, albeit under terrible circumstances and with tears all around. -Beginning of August, Sterling and I drove up to Maryland to take everything we could possibly want of Keegan's stuff, from Kristin (she was donating everything she couldn't give away - she also wanted me to take her favorite plants since she's moving across the ocean soon). This was a good trip in many ways, but like, we're also going through the items of her deceased sister AND my Nana took a turn and we suddenly knew she'd die soon, while I was up there. I had to sit alone with my laptop and write some stuff out. I don't know. These two trips are the most gray area of the bad/good dichotomy being false. Like Sterling got to show me chain places he hadn't seen since childhood, and we drove through the town he lived in with his wife, but we also got EXTREMELY sick of driving. -Mid August, my dad entered the hospital, and was in for several days that involved LOTS of long calls between him and I as well as some with my sister - he almost had open heart surgery, actually left Against Medical Advice, generally scared the shit out of everyone while having panic attacks and getting security called, it was a time. There've been many complicated updates after all his copious specialist visits, ever since. -Later in August - listen to this shit - first my OTHER long term best friend, Jess, started having really bad health problems of her own, she had emergency surgery; she was awaiting possible next surgery, she couldn't eat for days that were turning into weeks - she came down from Tallahassee and it took her extra hours to make the drive and she slept half the visit (she was only in town for 3 hours...) and I couldn't get ahold of her the next day to verify she'd made it back. I was really scared. Like really, really fucking scared for her, for half this month, and so triggered about the medical part but not wanting her to keep any of it from me. -And so WHILE THAT'S unfolding, like Sat she's over napping and Sun I'm sending her Tally bestie to do a safety check - Monday, I end up in the ICU with a bunch of friends, watching Clarence die, while simultaneously providing phone support to my nephew Wolfgang because his best local friend in New Orleans shot himself THE SAME MORNING. Clarence and I weren't close, but I had some notable memories with him, he was a fixture in my community and his partner Colleen is a friend. He was only 40 and had a sudden brain aneurysm. I organized a fundraiser for Colleen, and a meal train, and took her tea and listened to her tell the whole harrowing story. Ananda and I took an ex of his that is a friend flowers, too. Wolfgang and I were texting each other from separate funerals, that weekend - me with a bunch of 30 and 40 something goths in the woods, him in NOLA with his gen z LGBT crew... -my diverticulosis flared up for the first time, into horrible pain, I ended up in a CT scanner. It's fine, but I hated it. -THEN, September, less than 2 weeks later after Clarence/Wolfgang's friend, my Nana died in the morning and my former sister in law, Mindy (Robby, Wolfgang, and Patrice's mom) died in the evening, THE SAME DAY. My Nana had been on hospice for almost a year after being immobilized by strokes for a decade, but I still took it harder than expected. Mindy had done a lot of hard living, but seemed stable enough - nobody expected that at 46, she would just literally slump over dead in the middle of putting together a piece of furniture with my mother in law. Poor Teresa tried CPR for 12 minutes. I am still worried about Teresa. I chose to go to Mindy's funeral, rather than my Nana's (they were on the same day, in different cities), since I am estranged from my mother and I wanted to be there for my niece and nephews, and for Teresa. -I also got a terrible UTI in Sept, and maybe partially because it's only the second one I've ever had, or maybe because of the DISASTROUS antibiotic fallout back in Jan, I tried for too long to keep it at bay with dumb supplements and water that kept beating it back but not knocking it out, thereby increasing my suffering.

Are yall HEARING this shit? Is it even possible to keep all these names straight? Can you believe any of this?

In October, things started getting MUCH HARDER THAN ANYTHING ELSE I'VE SAID SO FAR (I'm serious), but about someone close to me who has asked me not to share about it in any kind of identifying or detailed way. Seriously I was sobbing myself to sleep at night, I walked around feeling like I was going to throw up all day every day for about 15 days. I was reaching out for help. This is not romantic or about Sterling, though it certainly impacted him too. The person is mostly ok now, though I continue to worry. I'm sorry it's vague, but my experience is definitely not complete without a reference to this being included.

I guess it's good that by late Summer, new trained people were taking on caseloads at my job as replacements and I was able to ease up a little with work, have time off when I needed to, etc. Otherwise this shit would just not have been possible.

-December has featured everyone being sick with something, and Aaron having screw removal (ankle) surgery - which went very well but meant a lot of extra Stuff the week of Christmas. The first Christmas I've ever had with my Nana gone. Many surprise tears. I was seriously having PTSD nightmares in the night and then waking up crying with old Christmas carols playing in my head, like she used to have on all December. While on my period and trying to shop and bake and decorate and find a secret santa gift for someone at the office and attend an evening work event and a friend's show and and and. Stupid exhaustion. SO MUCH SLEEP DEP. Commiserating with Teresa and Patrice about their first christmas without Mindy, and with Kristin about her first Christmas without Keegan, and with Colleen about her first Christmas without Clarence. Listening for hours at times as Sterling hashed out his very complicated feelings about this holiday, which he has started to look forward to (which feels very very vulnerable).

I'm typing this NOT at a New Years Eve party I was invited to OR at the hospital where my great niece was born, because I have covid for the 2nd time. Been testing every day, because of these impending events - to no avail. My car is in the shop not being worked on because holiday, as I wait to find out if it's A Huge Deal problem or not.

I am also feeling some borderline panic at times because I totally spaced on it being the last day of the MONTH, in addition to the year, and thus missed my opportunity to get all my work documentation in on time - at a time when that is being scrutinized more than normal. And there's nothing to be done but wait out the weekend and hope for the best.

I had a sense of never resting for much of this year, of not having the ability to fucking chill long enough to feel I was savoring to the degree I want to. That if I wanted to value and prioritize good things I had to force them into spots where I could be sleeping (or staring at a wall and dissolving). I am certain I spent MUCH more time than normal sitting on the phone on hold, for 10 million different reasons.

GRRR forever except also I'm ending the "bad" right there.

Good list...Because there is good, lots of it, GODDAMIT:

-I had a 7 hour long ritual fire in January, with my best local friend Katie. I took dried herbs and flowers, snacks, and tinctures with me, and she fed us, and we never ran out of things to talk about. -I read Sterling the last couple of Dark Tower novels. We laughed, conjectured, and cried our fucking eyes out together, talked endlessly about them, THE MOST SATISFYING THING. We've since started the Vampire Chronicles and are halfway through book 3, so many great things to talk about. -Ananda registered for college! Dual degree track of library science and art history. She knocked out remedial math and then did her first semester. It has been really interesting talking about with her. And it's been fine and flexible to continue as a Starbucks supervisor while she does this :) -Elise got into the art high school of their dreams! The open house and application process had been so exciting, and then when we opened the "yes," it was really something. -Isaac has worked his way up the rungs of a local volunteer organization; he coordinates events, does their taxes and payroll. He's only 18! But he's been knocking many things out of the park. I am so proud of him all the time. He also cooked many pots of soup for the household, and did UNTOLD loads of dishes, this year. -I brought home a painting I love so much that I've literally, actually looked at it every single day since, drinking it in, always spotting something new. -Likewise I scored some pretty amazing outdoor furniture along the way, curb find chairs and yard sale mirror, shelves off my local fb "buy nothing" group - and I ADORE my patio at this point. From my bed looking out through the glass doors as well as out there. It's magic and I appreciate it continuously.   -There is not a day that passes that I don't swell up with gratitude, either looking out a window or stepping out my front door, about living in such a wooded neighborhood surrounded by such massive towering oak, pine, and sweetgum trees. This often happens on my way to the car, in the driveway, pausing to spin in a slow circle - or as dusk approaches, from my room or the dining room, when everything outside turns into a backlit sillhouette. -I established a whole system of jars on a dedicated herb table (table free from a friend), that we make tea from regularly. This has made me really happy and has led to me gifting people blend bags and goody jars of all sorts. It's one of the only areas of our house that I try to really keep immaculate. Isaac gave me a mortar and pestle for mother's day that's a part of it. -I hit 3 years at my job in March, which means I get several days more per quarter of PTO now. They're also investing in a ROTH 403B for me whether I contribute any money or not, now, and some other perks. -That night of Keegan's celebration of life down in Pompano, the airbnb Sterling and I stayed in had a whole intentional labyrinth outside for a yard, with raccoons and huge snails, and a gazebo and a koi pond. And a whole wall mirror next to the bed, super hot. We went to the beach very late and were both enchanted and FLIPPING OUT to find bioluminescent sand, just live glowing blue dots in the darkness. -I really made tons of tinctures this summer. Stopping on workdays in the sticks to forage, filling up weekends with it. I went out with Aaron, with Elise, with Sterling, gathering flowers, stripping wood. I made jam from the beauty berries in my front yard, too, and harvested so much roselle grown from seed. I handed out grief tincture at funerals. I've got a lot in the works! -Isaac and Aaron rode their bikes to a 35 mile trail, the entire trail, and back, starting at 6am on a Saturday... just because they wanted to. They had brunch out together after. I am endlessly fascinated and happy about my kids choosing to spend time with one another. These two also each funded an independent trip down south and hung out with my sister and her kids (along with their old friends). -I finally started licensure supervision weekly, and joined the NASW, and registered for the licensure exam. -Katie picked me up and drove me out to the cemetery one Saturday, with flowers and shells we both had for multiple graves there. Good wine picnic.   -Ananda and I went and saw Florence and the Machine in Orlando- we were draped in lace, and it was unbelievable. I cried from happiness several times over. Intense and necessary. Fabulous italian food after. -I got two different raises in quick succession (a small one for being there a while and the cost of living adjustment they give everyone annually) as the fiscal year changed, and can actually see the difference somewhat. -Instead of a hurricane, we all got enforced surprise time off with a bonus cold front, and Sterling and I, man, we stood outside in the first cool air of the season in these piles and piles of leaves that had blown down in the tropical wind, and watched our cat step carefully, exploring, and laughed and just felt.... surreal and amazing? This was one of a few long weekends where we were also just doin' it in long multi-hour times with naps sandwiched between events. -That hurricane day is one of several days that Jake and Isaac have taken Elise out all over town just because they wanted to - to parks, playing Pokemon, eating out. -Katie and I took her dog Charlie to the beach. Good adventuring. -I had the experience, for the first time in years, of finding a new book in person, buying it, and then staying up all night long devouring the entire thing. I'm Glad My Mom Died, by Jeannette McCurdy. -Isaac voluntarily took over seeing Elise through algebra, and is tireless and inspiring in this (successful) effort. It is humbling.   -I bought a bicycle! The first bike I've had in several years - it's a vintage cruiser, used, yellow, and I take it out a couple times per week ever since. Extra great when Sterling comes and skates alongside, or Aaron rides with me. -Sterling's and my overnight for my birthday, man, we had a MASSIVE jaccuzzi tub we could fall asleep in together, a balcony we could see the ocean from, the sand was made of barely broken down shells and he collected hundreds of them for a project. Super cool. We sat on a balcony over the ocean, at a restaurant on the beach, eating some great stuff the next morning. -He had a show, actually played the drums at a paying gig, and I got to spend great hours with Nick watching and cheering and clapping and eating. He did great and was on top of the world about it. There's another show scheduled with a different group of people, incidentally, and this one is at a venue with a cover charge (rather than a big outdoor birthday party). -We went to a gorgeous wedding for his friends Russ and Amy. Sweet to stand there holding hands and tearing up. Great food, outdoor space, Destin was there. -We rushed soup and hugs over to Katie one night that she was sad, and wailing between us about things. -Jake wore a suit for his 17th birthday, LOVED his party full of sweet polite kids (at a bowling alley and then watching movies here), looked incredible. -His girlfriend's mom texted me, "thank you for raising a son that my daughter is safe with." <--Pause for emphasis -I actually made peace with being 40 - and "in my 40s" moving forward, which was bafflingly difficult and happened just in time for me to turn 41 with some contentment and ease. -Some good media - I devoured the entirety of the Pocket Coven Podcast, before starting on Between The Worlds (mostly out of desperation that the Pocket Coven Podcast was no longer making episodes). Sterling, Ananda, Elise and I burned through Season 1 of Sandman on Netflix. Ananda and I had a fun time watching The Kardashians on Hulu and over analyzing all of it - it's densely packed with hosting SNL, wearing Marilyn's dress, courtroom trials, passing the bar exam, advocating for death row inmates. So easy to love and to hate. Not at all like the made up barely strung together reality show of yore (that I could never have sat through). The new Florence album is BOMB AS HELL, the Dresden Dolls are recording again... -I have really had a ton of fulfillment from being an aunt this year. It's become a valued part of my identity. I took Wolfgang and Robby out to the beach and for dinner, after their mother's funeral (they wanted these things, and needed someone to understand their ambivalence/guilt at seeming apathetic, as that was a very complicated relationship). I've talked to Patrice so much more (she is devastated by the loss). I continue to just talk to Wolfgang every day, like I have for years :p I took Ananda, Isaac, and Elise to Patrice's baby shower and was able to spring for things she really needs. I was able to see all my sister's kids in person in May, and then pick out thoughtful gifts for them (choosing books for people is kind of a thrill of mine... so glad to have so many kids who read in my life) - and treats - and have it all in the mail before Christmas, and Zoom with them as they opened it. It feels special and cool to have the bandwidth to invest in these relationships, since my own kids aren't so tiny and needy anymore. -My children's desire to buy each other and myself (and their dad and also Sterling...) Christmas presents, is so wonderful. Ananda and Isaac pooled resources and got me a new Le Crecuset dutch oven! Isaac got Grant gift cards and money and a letter explaining the hiking trip he wants to take with him. And Ananda got me a replacement labradorite ring, and Lego flowers. Elise's cards are always a high point, super thoughtful, they've made Sterling tear up more that once.   -Also I am now a GREAT AUNT! Patrice gave birth YESTERDAY! I got play by plays from my mother in law and from Wolfgang, and have had many pics since. It is killing me that I can't be over there because Covid, but, soon enough. I GUESS.   -I have witnessed the huge progress in Sterling and me, practicing at all kinds of things in our relationship; it's beautiful. For instance, he used to get really freaked out and triggered anytime I was upset about anything, due to previous partners flipping out so hard and to such extents, and taking all their upsets out on him. But 3 years into this, he can actually do an amazing job anytime I'm upset about something not to do with us, and can at least get through the helping me part before he freaks out, if it IS about us. That's one example of a million things, and it's both of us, like... being with someone who will absolutely get under a blanket to let me talk into their chest anytime, who is completely down for all kinds of sex, etc etc, has had me have to confront the places where it's just hard for me, personally - to speak up, to communicate directly, I've delved so deep into the most shy and private parts of myself. I feel like I'm experiencing new kinds of dreaming that are related to how I fall asleep (in his arms) every single night. Like it's enabling me to access more of my own subconscious, as wounds get uncovered and then healed. I'm not exaggerating. I've figured major shit out in dreams this year, and woken up to, say, know how to close up the quilt edge without binding, or how to understand Grant. It's like a wall between my sleeping self and my waking self, that's been made up my whole life of not wanting to go to sleep as a sad unsafe kid, is dissolving. In many ways my song of the year would be "Here, In my Room" by Incubus. "The Party" referenced therein being one that took place almost 5.5 years ago now. The fiction-worthy-wind being ka from the Dark Tower. His scars, my incision. I can't say enough and there's no way to say it. -I started a book about hospice. I have not CONTINUED it yet.... clouds of grief and fogs of illness obscuring too much, too often. But - it will happen. 

[traceofexistence]

such bathroom laws are trash and will forever be

and wherever those laws do not exist, literally nothing happens

I have been around hospitals, the past 2 years more than I should, but anyway, in those two years and about 4 different cases of visiting a hospital, I have seen 2 cases of elderly women escorted by their sons or grandsons to the women toilets to pee, and nothing happened no commotion, no banning, not even questioning as to what this guy doing in the women's bathroom, because it was CLEAR he was helping his elderly mother!

in my stay after surgery in a hospital room, as an afab I was put in a room with two other women, each one of us had an escort, one of them was a man, (the woman's husband), he was in the room at night when we were sleeping, just like my mom who was my escort, NOTHING HAPPENED

when the docs or nurses had to do something to us that needed privacy, they would send all escorts out, and just close the little curtain each bed had.

I had knee surgery and the first day I needed assistance to pee, it had to be done on the bed with the help of the nurse etc, so like everything the escorts were told to go out and the curtain was pulled and I did my business without an issue. also I had women nurses and men nurses, women doctors and men doctors.

we co-exist on this planet,

there are bad people doing bad things ( and yes it is important to acknowledge that crimes against women done by men, is a very troubling statistic and we should as a society combat that)

but at the end of the day bad things are punishable ANYWAY, a door with the 🚺 sign wont stop a crime from happening. in fact such laws could even be used against the victim as a "I'm not allowed in there so how did I went in there, like she said"

humans need to pee and poo, smol humans, disabled humans, elderly humans, etc might need assistance to do so, if their only available person to help them is a man, they need to be able to do it.

bathroom discourse is just bullshit because we have been sharing bathrooms with men all our lives in our houses.

all I personally care about is: did you clean up your mess? you are good to go

vent post. There are two stories i was told in my teenage years that even before i had a real concept of trans issues made me uninterested in discussing the supposed sacredness and safety of separated sex-based spaces.

First, when i was like 13 or 14 my PE teacher told us about a time she went to a women's public restroom, some guy was hanging out outside the bathrooms, she didn't think anything of it, went to the bathroom, and he walked in after her and like, creeped on her over the top of the stall. She was ok, she wasn't telling us this to scare us, just telling us what to do in situations like that (and iirc she was telling the whole co-ed class this, not just girls, bc it's useful for everyone), but this taught me immediately and forever that there's nothing actually keeping these spaces separate really, that anyone can be a creep in any space, and that establishing a space like that as for women only isn't actually particularly useful for safety.

Second, when i was 16 i was at an anime convention, a friendly acquaintance of mine and i ended up in conversation outside, and he showed me his bare wrist and told me he'd been kicked out. A female friend of his had stepped in dog poop outside, and between that and the stress of the convention she'd had a bit of an emotional breakdown, so being her friend, he started comforting her and ushered her into the women's restroom so they could wash the poop off her shoe together. And because he was a man who went into the women's bathroom, he got kicked out, no matter that he was doing something that was actually beneficial to a woman. Punishing a woman's friend for supporting her was supposed to... protect her somehow? This made it clear to me that a no-exceptions rule separating the sexes like that wasn't actually inherently good for everyone.

And this isn't even getting into me as a child needing to accompany my younger sister to the restroom when we were out with just my dad because she had certain support needs past the age he felt comfortable bringing her into the men's room with him. And what if I'd been born a boy, or she'd been the first born? Who's helping her then?

And of course even putting all this aside, we should always prioritize compassion and support anyway. But i never even needed to meet a trans person to know that "keeping men out of women's bathrooms" is silly nonsense. But trans people also need to pee anyway and as humans they have that right, so leave them the fuck alone. your precious women's restroom is just a fucking room with a door, holy shit give it a fucking rest, if someone is attacking you in the bathroom that's bad and if someone is in there to pee that's good and it doesn't fucking matter what their junk is or was when they were born.

a woman could have done the exact same thing to my PE teacher and it would have also been bad no matter how "supposed" to be in the restroom she was, and no one should ever be punished for helping a crying friend wash their shoe.

Anyway i know I'm speaking to like-minded folks here, i just think about those two stories literally every time bathroom gender shit comes up and it pisses me off.

[brattyfrenchvampire]

Fever dreams are something else. So much happened I can't even process it all. I know a lot of it is from stress and we're probably a bit sick. It gets really trippy.

Where did it start? I don't remember. But I'll start it at the high school. So, the nightmare starts with us in the bleachers at a football game. We're there super early. The sky looks weird, grey and stormy. There is a constant feeling of someone stalking me from the shadows. There are these guys that are scouting out women they want to "own." Which is bad enough, but worse all it takes is them touching someone to get them pregnant. I was under the impression that they were either humanoid aliens or altered humans that came from a lab. (That plays in later) So I run with the women I can gather to a hospital to help them. While I'm there I have to get an MRI??? So I'm strapped in and stuck in this machine while I hear a bunch of commotion outside. I get out of the machine to find half of the hospital destroyed and a white goose wandering around. I pick up the goose and carry it to a room that has food, bedding, etc. I look around to attempt to find who is supposed to look after this bird. There's a lab with a bunch of chickens in it. They've recently laid eggs. The chickens look normal, the eggs look normal. But then the eggs hatch and these giant dragon-chickens come out and light the lab on fire. These guys are godzilla-ish and now they are running around in the world. I end up back at the high school and run into our ex-friend/rapist of course dream us doesn't recognize him as anything other than a friend. He is kind and how he pretended to be when we first met him. He asked how we were doing and wanted to hang out. I don't remember what we talked about nor do I care. At some point as we're walking we bump into our (host and I) ex-girlfriend. She also is much kinder than what she was in real life. She asked about our transition and how it was going. She gave us a little pep talk. (She's a trans woman) I have to say if either of them were half as nice as they were in the dream they would still be part of our life. Somehow I'm suddenly at my host's grandparents' house and the whole family is there. Out of nowhere a 7 foot tall luchador is grabbing my leg, hanging on to it so tight that I think he's trying to break it. This is who was stalking me the whole time. I scream for help and the family just sits there dead-eyed staring. He stands up and attemps to put me in a headlock. I'm gasping for air and I remember the phrase, "your body, my choice," and I start laughing. I mock him and say the phrase over and over, two can play at that game. Next thing I know I'm one-handed choking and lifting him by the throat and screaming in his face that no one has say over my body. He crumbles to dust and the family goes about their conversations as if they didn't witness anything. Then I'm back in the lab, on the table, getting jabbed with needles filled with who knows what. Getting sliced apart and threatened if I don't comply they will rape me. I'm suffocating on the foam in my mouth and starting to go into a seizure. I think I woke up, in reality it is another layer of the dream. I'm in my bedroom, it's how it looked in 6th grade, watching LOTR, accurate for us. I'm talking to my host's mom about how no other movie in history has perfect casting as they have. I'm placing stickers in a book, everything is fine. Then I actually wake up. It was weird and it shook me up for a while. I know I was running a fever last night. I'm hoping it won't happen again tonight.