#but mostly gay dean video

[bug4932]

You're sooooo talented and soooooo funny I'm so grateful 2 chloe for unleashing you on the desolate dustbowl of an ecosystem

saying these nice things to me?! look in a mirror mf!!!!!!!!

[woundlingus]

Gen z Dean Winchester wouldn’t be sad boy bisexual, gen z Dean Winchester would call himself a sigma male on his save the world grindset and instead of calling Sam gay he’d call him a sissy beta male and post Instagram reels of his brother any time he did any remotely effeminate to make fun of him and would send unsolicited DMs to women three times his age calling them mommy

Gen Z Sam Winchester would post “day in the life of” TikTok’s on his secret alt phone akin to those videos of Amish kids with their secret phones where he posts vague shots of their guns and moving between motels but mostly just whatever snacks he and Dean are eating and how he’s “so cool” being underage with a fake ID at the bar with his brother but everyone follows him rabidly looking for hints of obscure lore in the background of his videos while every tries to figure out what cult he’s trapped in and how to contact CPS but Sam never addresses those comments, he almost exclusively replies to the ones asking if his brother is single by stitching them with videos of Dean shitting with the bathroom door open and picking his nose

It would kill Dean’s pride every day that Sam has more followers until he rats him out to John and they both get their phone privileges revoked.

[kerryweaverlesbian]

I love your Daphne Allen posts; all of your posts talking about characters struggling with gender and sexual identity are so well written and thought out, especially genderqueer!Dean. Do you have any other thoughts on Daphne, no matter how small? I love hearing about your ideas ♥️

[Anon is referring to this fic and this poem]

:") everyone is nice to meeeee, thank you ❤️ I'm going to call Daphne he throughout this so don't get confused. I don't have bonus headcanons about him at the moment, I usually construct those for minor characters as I'm making a fic about them, but I'll talk broadly about my thoughts about him under the cut (it got long LOL).

I think Daphne gets to me in particular with gender, because:

a) Meet My Girlfriend by Transgenderism was the first time it really clicked in my head that you can just. Choose. To change your pronouns. If it makes you happy. And you can still be a lesbian. So he's linked in my mind with that revelation.

b) pulling some man out of a river and marrying him on the spot is PEAK compulsory (cis)heterosexuality. Like. Ah yes :) God has sent me a man to solve my problem and he doesn't know what Being A Man is so he's Safe plus 'this is normal heterosexual behaviour I'm pretty sure [it absolutely is not]'.

(Reading Adorned With Smoke For Clothes by lesbiansailor, where Daphne prays for salvation [from being a lesbian] and there stumbles upon "Emmanuel" and is like 'oh okay' really sank into my brain, that's definitely what happened.)

c) I've always loved 'teaching someone how to be human' but the sweet, sweet juice of "teaching someone how to be A Man when you are insecure and unhappy about your own gender role"? YUM YUM YUM. The act of finding yourself through the other!! That's how. To get a little introspective lol. That's how I tend to work through figuring stuff out about myself. There is someone in my life and I think to myself "ah they might be _. This explains me thinking about it so much." And then like 3-5 months later I'm like wait. I think I am _. Lol. So I can project that projection onto Daphne, but with bonus resentment because I love resentment it's so fun to write.

d) obviously him being partnered with Castiel, who I view as a secure trans man (he "became a father", he went from agender to man, he literally changed from a female vessel to a male one, many people in fandom have said this. He literally invented free will to choose to be a trans gay man ❤️*). Having someone SO sure that he's a man even when he lost ALL his memories and didn't even know how to use a toothbrush at first AND when he's doing manhood "wrong" and sensitively and queerly, to a transmasc Daphne that's got to feel like "he doesn't even care about what it means to be a man so I have to care about it for both of us and I still don't get to be one!!! I don't want to think about it!!!!"

e) the way prescriptive religion ties in with him, doubting his gender role means doubting God which means potentially upending his entire community and being so fucking lonely. We only see Daphne for like. 1 minute of screentime lmao so it is for the best that they didn't pile on more side characters but it gives the impression that he doesn't have any friends**, which makes me think about how Marge Simpson doesn't have any friends (highly recommend the Lola Sebastian video about Marge) which makes me think about (my) fear of becoming a housewife with no friends.

So, I think Daphne is afraid of being himself with the (justified!) fear of losing his present community, but in trying to avoid that, he can't get truly close to people and thus causes that lonliness anyway. A vicious cycle...

f) Daphne is a character firmly discarded by Supernatural - which is fine, I don't want every 3 second character to keep coming back or we'd have 100 Cole's and I couldn't stand 1 Cole - but finding love for minor characters in spn has become a particular fascination of mine ❤️ mostly due to the sapphicnatural community 🧡 With the meta context that minor characters are not only disregarded by the characters amd writers but disregarded by GOD, for a character like Daphne who throws himself so firmly into faith that he marries a man whom - I cannot stress enough - he found in a river, that dramatic irony is so delicious. He's putting his life in service of a guy who, if asked, might not even remember his name. JUICY.

And e and f together beg the question, if it doesn't make him less lonely and if God [who is also a misogynist just btw] doesn't care what he does. Why is he putting himself through the agony of the closest. If his life is so flimsy that he can marry a stranger like it's nothing, why can't he pursue a life that makes him HAPPY?

g) Johanna Marlowe's performance of Daphne....she [the actor] just looks so strangely afraid? Daphne had just been attacked, but even when he's safe and looking up at Emmanuel, there's something fearful there I think:

Like maybe that's just how her face looks, but there's also the way she decided to touch him glancingly, hesitant and fleeting. Look at her physicality choices in her one scene. If I were just attacked by a demon and my spouse came and untied me, I would probably, like, hug them and find reassurance in them? But Marlowe says no. I will touch his face as quickly as possible and then let him drag me around. They're not even holding hands!! He grabs her wrist and she makes a fist! I never noticed that before that's crazy. Anyway this may have been directorial just to get through the scene quickly, there's a lot to get through in the episode, but regardless of the practical reasons behind her performance, it is Text and it is Strange!

And finally. I realised I do actually have a small headcanon. I think Daphne's transmasc new name is one of three:

Emmanuel (he chose the name, he should get to keep it!); Samson (biblical, raised according to the instructions of angels, had his dark night of the soul from his beloved cutting his hair [PS I think Daphne grows out his hair through transition]); or he keeps Daphne. He can still be Daphne if he wants. You can do whatever you want forever!

I also think he keeps his faith in God. His logic is that he asked for salvation -> Emmanuel appeared -> Emmanuel's questioning of his life brought him to true understanding of himself, and this must be holy.

*(I actually think Cas can also be attracted to women personally but this post isn't about him)

** also the fact that no one talked him out of marrying Emmanuel lmao

***Also from the Wikipedia recounting of the bible version he might be really into bondage??? Get it Samson!!

[1x20]

Why are you a deanbenny hater? 👀

askfasdfljk honestly hater is kind of a strong word (i know i'm the one who said it first but it's mostly hyperbole). however i AM a deanbenny disliker.

mostly this is because i think they deleted benny's most interesting scene: right before dean kills him in 8x19, benny admits that he's drank human blood since coming back from purgatory.

now as you can see even the top comment on that video is "I'm glad they didn't put the part where Benny basically admitted he fed on humans in the show. I'd hate to have to have had Dean deal with that." which is EXACTLY why deleting that scene bothers me so much.

s8 is essentially just one big contest for dean's affection between sam, cas, and benny. cas and benny don't really like each other (see, like, all the purgatory scene), sam and benny don't like each other (sam doesn't like)

now another theme in s8 is that dean actually has... kind of impossible standards? and he WILL do awful things to/for the people he loves. when dean comes back in 8x01, he blames sam for not looking for him even though sam thought he was dead:

DEAN After you looked for me. [SAM says nothing.] Did you look for me, Sam? [SAM looks away.] Good. That's good. Now, we – we... always told each other not to look for each other. That's smart. Good for you. Of course, we always ignored that because of our deep, abiding love for each another, but not this time, right, Sammy?

and then he IMMEDIATELY starts blaming sam for not continuing to hunt (even though this is something dean has also expressed interest in doing multiple times, see 2x20's "why do we have to sacrifice everything, dad? it's [not fair]", for example)

DEAN So you just turned tail on the family business. SAM Nothing says "family" quite like the whole family being dead. DEAN I wasn't dead [He stands up and walks around SAM.] In fact, I was knee-deep in God's armpit killing monsters, which, I thought is what we actually do.

&

DEAN He was our responsibility. [He tosses the phone at SAM’s chest.] And you couldn't answer the damn phone.

etc etc. this actually feeds into a theme for the rest of carver era which carries over into dabb era, which is that dean expects complete and full devotion to him and his ideals. BUT we're getting ahead of ourselves.

now dean's relationship to benny is actually kind of idealized. in fact in 8x05, dean & sam have this fight:

SAM Listen, Dean, we came here on a dead body. You asked for some time, and now there's another dead body. Are we just going on trust here? DEAN Yes. SAM Okay. Because we've killed for a lot less, and you know how these things turn out for us. DEAN Yes, I do - too well. In fact, every relationship I have ever had has gone to crap at some point. But the one thing I can say about Benny - he has never let me down. SAM Huh. Well, good on you, Dean. Must feel great finally finding someone you can trust after all these years.

this IS in fact a load of crap. benny is barely even around for him & dean to have disagreements. the only extended period of time they spend around each other is in purgatory, but crucially dean enjoys purgatory because there are no consequences. purgatory is an obligation & consequence free place: he can be as violent (or gay) as he wants without it mattering. and that's why benny HAS to leave as soon as they hit the ground running in 8x01, because benny can't even stick around to have consequences.

as such, dean and benny BARELY spend any real time together anyway: dean could've said the EXACT same thing about cas in s5 to sam, but he was forced to confront that cas was a real person in s6 and that's when his relationship with cas immediately started breaking down.

so when people take "benny has never let me down" as a sort of romantic statement about benny, that kinda bothers me. to me that line indicates the total devotion dean needs to consider you a good person & the unreasonable standards he sets. PLUS it plays into sam's monsterhood as expressed in this gifset: people who are monsters are NOT monsters to dean as long as he loves them - but as soon as they do something he doesn't like or that love runs out? they become monsters again.

now benny ends up winning the battle for dean's affection because he is, in essence, the perfect dean companion. thinks he's cool, listens to whatever he says, is totally devoted to him to the point of letting dean kill him. this is INTENSELY boring to me. why bring up these issues dean's having if you're just gonna play into them and not do anything with it?

and by deleting the scene where benny admits to drinking human blood, you reframe the whole deanbenny relationship. instead of the point of deanbenny being "dean has control issues, dean expects total devotion from his friends & family, dean's relationships are all intensely dysfunctional," it turns into "sam & cas should simply do whatever dean says all the time and dean would like them more."

and even though i'm a deangirl, i REALLY hate that.

[hpowellsmith]

Books of 2023

I was pleased to read lots of books this year! I greatly enjoyed the majority of these - the only one I wouldn't really recommend was Rated M for Mature - and the favourites are bolded. There were quite a lot of others that I didn't end up finishing, which were mostly memoirs of people who I felt interested in but didn't find their writing very compelling, and some second-world fantasy novels that didn't grab me. Most of this year's reading was historical, contemporary, memoirs, or horror: it was only towards the end of the year that I got some fantasy in there, which is funny as I've always thought of myself as a big fantasy fan - if anyone has any queer non-YA fantasy recommendations, I'd love to have them. The most recent new-to-me fantasy I loved was The Sacred Dark series by May Peterson, if that helps!

I was really happy to read Alison Rumfitt, Torrey Peters, Maya Deane, Lee Mandelo, EE Ottoman, and Brandon Taylor for the first time in particular, and look forward to reading more of them in the future; Ducks by Kate Beaton hit hard and stuck with me; Passion and Play is a massively illuminating read for anyone interested in writing intimate scenes in games and made me feel a ton more confident and intentional in doing so; I loved returning to and crying over old favourites Elizabeth Wein and Terry Pratchett after a very long time.

Detransition, Baby - Torrey Peters

A Perfect Spy - John le Carre

Felix Ever After - Kacen Callender

Lark and Kasim Start a Revolution - Kacen Callender

Youngman - Lou Sullivan

The Ministry of Unladylike Activity - Robin Stevens

Winterkeep - Kristin Cashore

Rated M for Mature: Sex and Sexuality in Video Games - Matthew Wysocki (ed.), Evan W. Lauteria (ed.)

Passion and Play: A Guide to Designing Sexual Content in Games - Michelle Clough

How Games Move Us: Emotions by Design - Katherine Isbister

Tell Me I'm Worthless - Alison Rumfitt

The Companion - EE Ottoman

The Pearl Thief - Elizabeth Wein

Real Life - Brandon Taylor

The Autistic Trans Guide to Life - Yenn Purkis, Wenn Lawson

The Enigma Game - Elizabeth Wein

Filthy Animals - Brandon Taylor

Gender Queer - Maia Kobabe

Ten Steps to Nanette - Hannah Gadsby

Terry Pratchett: A Life With Footnotes - Rob Wilkins

Ducks: Two Years in the Oil Sands - Kate Beaton

The Late Americans - Brandon Taylor

Wrath Goddess Sing - Maya Deane

Vivi Conway and the Sword of Legend - Lizzie Huxley-Jones

Summer Sons - Lee Mandelo

Slow River - Nicola Griffith (reread)

The Others of Edenwell - Verity Hollowell

Pageboy - Elliot Page

Brainwyrms - Alison Rumfitt

Uncomfortable Labels - Laura Kate Dale

The Easternmost House - Juliet Blaxland

The Two Doctors Górski - Isaac Fellman

Dark Matter: A Ghost Story - Michelle Paver

Charmed Life - Diana Wynne Jones (reread)

A Trans Man Walks Into A Gay Bar - Harry Nicholas

Going Postal - Terry Pratchett

Monstrous Regiment - Terry Pratchett (reread)

In Strictest Confidence - Craig Revel Horwood

[stormyelliotwritez]

okie dokie so here's the fandom list and the characters i'll write for. i will update this at times so yeah, here we go.

supernatural (dean winchester, Castiel, balthazar, bobby)

911 and 911 lone star (tk strand, carlos reyes, evan buckley, eddie diaz, paul strickland, owen strand)

stranger things (eddie munson, steve harrington, robin buckley (platonic only), nancy wheeler, jonathan byers)

house md (gregory house, james wilson, lisa cuddy and i can write foreman, chase and cameron but i can't promise it will be good.)

doctor who (any new who doctors and companions and friends tho coz im writing male reader bill, jenny and vastra will be platonic only coz otherwise that just feels weird also probably platonic for yaz and 13. also any masters because i love them and am obsessed with them)

hannibal (just hannibal and will coz im only on like the first season so it'll be based on vibes mostly)

star wars (like anyone basically just not palpatine and the creepy bad guys like the blue one or moff gideon. i am obsessed with clones and bounty hunters so yeah!)

batfam and dc (anyone basically coz ive got a pretty good grasp of most of their characters. if anyone requests the joker, i will probs mean like lego batman or the animated tv shows joker so the one who isn't an ass and is a bit gay. if they're lesbians (even if its just that i hc them as lesbians), it will be platonic though.)

marvel (anyone like please just give me ideas of marvel stuff to write. i will need like a really good idea to be convinced to write for tony because he pisses me off sometimes. also team red and loki tv show are like my favs so i will write actual masterpieces for those)

criminal minds (the bau gang)

good omens (aziraphale and crowley also like any of the other characters besides metatron because i wanna murder him in his sleep (: so yep)

marauders (the marauders obvs, the Valkyries and the Slytherins)

sherlock bbc (sherlock, john, jim)

star trek (the one with chris pine) (bones, kirk, spock, scotty)

the addams family (im talking like the live action movies and the animated because i watched one episode of wednesday and it sucked ngl so yeah. ill write for the whole family so yeppity yep)

gravity falls (anyone basically except for gideon and his dad)

hades the video game (anyone tho i don't think anyone would request this)

the x-files (mulder, scully, skinner, the lone gunmen)

spiderverse (hobie, miles, gwen, noir, pav, peter b parker, miles universe peter, miguel (only if you wanna get into a fight with him))

Law and order: SVU (the whole crew tho im only on s12

Dead boy detective agency (anyone but niko and jenny will only be platonic coz lesbians)

x-men universe (gambit, charles, erik, peter maximoff, hank, victor creed, scott)

deadpool and wolverine (well… deadpool and wolverine, ig. i think cable and colossus both count in this one so them. also platonic negasonic teenage warhead and yukio)

also i will write for miguel in a not fighting way if you want him and poolverine coz that ship infected my mind tho i don’t have enough grasp on it yet so it would all be headcanons

i think thats it so yeah! :)

please send in requests!!!

[romilly-jay]

OH SO GUILTY - so many reasons I shouldn't love this movie but I (mostly) do [WHHHHHHYYYYY?]

***spoilers***

In today's episode of "the heart wants what it wants" and apparently what it wants is to watch Jeffrey Dean Morgan being all kinds of unethical ("but sweet at heart") to bring Posh Prissy Career Woman Uma Thurman down the requisite number of pegs. Oh but it bites him in the posterior, doesn't it, when he falls for her FOR REAL??!!

Please, no need to rush to tell me how many plot points in this frothy, ludicrous movie are ethically wrong or cringe or exploitative or crass or... I know this. The movie couldn't be made - I sincerely hope - beat for beat like this today and I'm pleased about that. Hopefully, the things they would have to take out would be the things I don't like or feel embarrassed by and none of the things I'm somehow fond of?

BTW one of the scenes I really enjoyed was the shots at the bar scene, for the sheer madness of the idea that reciting the US presidents while you drink will keep you sober. Obviously it won't but the energy in the scene as she has a go - and the whole bar gets involved - keeps me engaged. This by way of contrast to the wedding cake tasting scene which I don't find funny or cute at all.

For me there's a strange alchemy that goes in during the bar scene - and afterwards, with the being taken to his place, passed out (and he carries her up the stairs because, you know, he's a FIREMAN) and his place happening to be a single room above an Indian restaurant where the family has adopted him - for reasons that go entirely unexplained - as a member of the extended family: All of these elements navigate close to the ICK factor and I'm sure for some people are entirely on the wrong side of it. BUT, because of the kind of movie it is, it's played sweet* not creepy or horrifying. It certainly won't work for everyone, but for me, I can broadly accept an innocence of intent. Again, by contrast - I find Colin Firth's anxiety eating profoundly unfunny and I could 100% have done without it.

*Of course he doesn't take advantage of her in her passed out state - it's not that kind of movie. We are supposed to think he's boyish, uncomplicated, loyal to his friends and capable of dumb decisions, but fundamentally decent. I actually think that the Indian Family Context is there to show that he must be decent because they have taken him to their hearts and they are portrayed as kindly.

[Yes, they are portrayed as one set of stereotypes after another and with no rounded individualisation and it's unacceptable by today's standards, nothing more than the SE Asian parallel/equivalent of the Gay Best Friend Cardboard Cutout Characterisation.]

Anyway, I've thought about it and I'm pretty sure that I love this movie, the parts I'm able to love, in the same way that - with apologies to that philosophy prof who can't stand Billy Joel - I somehow loved and still love the song Uptown Girl. Heard it for the first time when I was c. 8ish and definitely had no idea what BJ was singing about but oh how my 8YO heart loved this song and video.

Weird. The <3 wants what it wants. Somehow. I guess.

[brainrotallthewaydown1312]

I feel like if I'm going to contribute I should also add to the recommendations going around right now because like I said, this is my circle.

first, I'm going to double down on all of hbomb's recs. I haven't seen stuff from all of them, but I intend to correct that in the coming days. I can personally endorse Matt Baume and Alex Avila though as I've been watching them for years and they are channels that would be on this rec list even if they hadn't been in the video. as starting points, I'd recommend Matt's Why Do Gay Men Love the Golden Girls?

and Alex's Why Can't Celebrities Queerbait?

Kaz Rowe does videos mostly about history. it is often queer specific but not always. they have done biographic examinations of queer historical celebrities like James Dean and Maude Adams, and historical breakdowns of things like queer nuns and gay cowboys, to examinations of court jesters or the chaotic production of the wizard of Oz. I recommend Exploring the Wild Gay History of the YMCA as a starting point.

Jessie Gender does very well researched discussions of queer history/politics and of media with a heavy focus on star trek. her videos are often on the longer side, but the work she puts into them is evident. I personally loved her 3 part takedown of Matt Walsh, and her beginners guide to star trek, but i recommend How Hollywood Corrupts Trans Women as a starting point for her channel

Tumblr's own Strange Æons has a slightly more eclectic channel. she has icebergs about Tumblr history and quick videos with her cats, but also has long deep dives about fandom history and scandals that have happened, as well as some more general queer history. I love her reading of My Immortal and the related videos, and her breakdowns of Ms.Scribe and the Snape wives, but I recommend her recent Halloween special How Slender Man Became Real to start

Lily Simpson does breakdowns and reviews of trans representation in the media. I am the newest to her channel of everyone on this list, but her videos have quickly folded themselves into my regular watching. I love her trans episode of series where she watches episodes of shows centered around a trans character, gender bending, or a gender false and examines the representation and writing of the topic. I recommend The Trans Fairly Odd Parents Episode as a starting point

Philosophy Tube is what it says on the tin. she does videos about philosophy and social issues with the goal of sharing her philosophy degree with people and making the subject more accessible. I love her videos about philanthropy, policing, and censorship, but if you have the time for a long one I'd strongly recommend her hour and a half video I Emailed my Doctor 133 Times: The Crisis in the British Healthcare System

Crow Caller mostly does long breakdowns and reviews of books. they seem to have some of good books, but I know them for their "I read it so you don't have to" breakdowns of bad books. their videos about maximum ride, perfected, and save the pearls are my favorites but for a shorter mor digestable start i recommend You all lied to me: Tender is the Flesh is BAD, actually

Mike's Mic does long plot breakdowns of shows as well as shorter movie reviews and pop culture videos. i wouldn't call his stuff video essays per say, but i love his stuff. i listen to his breakdowns of pretty little liars and glee regularly because there is just something about them that I love. I highly recommend those, but for a shorter starting point, I recommend Scooby Doo (2002) is even better than you remember

Fundie Fridays does videos talking about politics, current events, and pop culture history relating to Christian fundamentalists and queer stuff. it is all very well researched and as someone who has family that is lost in that web and who is constantly living with the effects of the politicians Jen and James discuss on the channel, it is useful and interesting to keep up with and Fundie Fridays is one of the only sources for that I've found that I can stomach. they are well researched, coming from a critical but constructive angle, and are clearly and actively supporting the causes their subjects are against. I get this one not being for everyone but for fellow queer deconstructionists with residual interest in what the hell is going on with all of that, I highly recommend them. because of the channel focus, a lot of it is fairly heavy but for a nice easy intro to the channel I recommend Phil Vischer & Veggie Tales

Jessica Kellgren-Fozard does videos about queer history, disability advocacy, vintage clothing, and parenting. her videos are very well researched and I always find her delivery calming. she is very good at telling stories and explaining complex things in simple ways. I recommend The Bisexual Anti-Fascist // Marlene Dietrich as a starting point

i hit the link limit, so look in the notes for that last link.

I watch all of these guys regularly and think they should all have larger audiences. i have many more recs where these came from but I'll leave it at these for now

I've been seeing a lot going around about the James Somerton thing, and i have a lot of my own... complicated feelings, but i want to throw my two cents at the conversation I'm seeing. I'm putting it under a cut because 1) this is longer than I meant it to be and 2) I don't like drama and this is about as close to drama posting I'll (hopefully) ever get.

I'm going to say up front, i never watched his stuff. video essays, especially about queer history and media representation, are my bread and butter. i listen to them actively all the time, but i put them on to do chores, or art, or go to sleep pretty much every day. but I never got into James Somerton. I've heard of him and seen his videos come up in my searches and recommend. and he's come on autoplay a few times. I've always skipped him though. I narrowly avoided the hole of misinformation I see so many of you crawling out of right now. and there is a part of me that wants to puff up my chest and gloat and do the "I knew all along" dance that so many people my age do with situations like this.

but first of all, that would be a lie. yes, I did avoid his videos, but he isn't the only essayist that has just not passed my personal vibe check. it would be satisfying to be able to say shit like 'i noticed his lies/theft long ago' or 'i just had a gut feeling' 'he seemed like a hack' but that just isn't it. I never gave him enough attention for any of that to be true because I just didn't vibe with him. maybe it was his delivery or his voice or the production of it, I don't know. but he is far from the only one who makes content in that category who I skip over for failed vibe checks. and while some of them might have something going on, I'm sure some of them are lovely intelligent people with their own insights who are 'unproblematic' to whatever definition we're supposed to be using. and I'm not ever going to be the one to figure out which is which on that list, because just like James I am not giving them the chance for me to figure it out. not vibing with everyone is a natural thing. and there doesn't always have to be some big reason or gut feeling behind it.

if I had paid him any attention, I also like to think I would have noticed some of the plagiarism. especially the Alex Avila videos he ripped because I've been watching Alex for years and I've seen all his videos but specifically the Merlin one many many times, and it was so deeply transparent in its theft. but I'll never know if I actually would have because if you're not looking for it, even when it's familiar, it isn't always easy to click together why that is. and while I do do due diligence on things before I repeat them or if I plan to use it for research, I'm not sitting and fact checking and source checking when I listen to essays before bed or if I'm crocheting on my couch. it's an easy trap to fall into. I know first hand because I used to watch iilluminatii.

I haven't watched her in a few months, and while I'd like to chalk that up to having spotted the plagiarism, it was when all that interchannel drama hit. I tried to do my normal due diligence. I looked into it to see who seemed to be in the wrong with it. I have a low tolerance for that shit, so it was very tiring and I admittedly didn't do as much as I should have. and some people during that did point out the plagiarism, but they came at it in a way that it didn't seem genuine and it felt like an exaggeration of their distaste for her. it was all said in that condescending 'i already didn't like her and you're dumb for not seeing the problem' voice. partly because I was already fatigued on the drama and partly because I had been watching for so long and she does talk about her sources below, I didn't look into it. that was around when I stopped, and when I did it was more from fatigue on trying to sort the drama and the allegations and all of that out. I just wanted a rest from it. so I just gave up. and I had been a little disillusioned by that but a part of me was still hit by seeing how egregious it was in hbomb's video. because how had I not noticed that?

which brings me back to James. even if I had 'just known,' or been a fan who was already disillusioned, or I had caught the plagiarism, none of that would be a constructive addition to the conversation everyone is having right now. I know that. I've seen it over and over again with various cancellations. and I am just now processing how it effected my ability to follow up on the iilluminatii allegations months ago. I had no excuse to be finding out about that with everyone else, I was recently researching that actively. but I was getting so tripped up in the hipster zoomer discourse that I wasn't able to actually do the research objectively and I just gave up. and I know I am far from the only one to experience this. turning a genuine problem like this into an interpersonal drama issue and gloating about how soon you noticed or how obvious it is or any of that devalues the entire conversation. it drives people away from the discussion and makes them feel worse than they need to.

there are big waves right now. people talking about plagiarism and how to find it. what the penalty should be. how to more accurately define it. there are people grieving the loss of a parasocial support they had. people making recommendations for replacements. people looking for those recommendations. people afraid to because they don't want to be tricked again. these are all important conversations, and many of them are difficult. but there are also people gloating about noticing it sooner. or not having watched him. or having eagle eyes for plagiarism. or whatever else. and that doesn't help anyone. like I said. I get the temptation. it feels good to squeak by without getting hit when someone like this does something big and bad. and it feels good to be ahead of the curve. but it doesn't help the people who are hurting. the people he stole from and the people he lied to are already processing that. they don't need to be talked down to. and it doesn't help the wider conversation that people are having about plagiarism. that conversation is moving forward and you are stuck arguing about what you knew when.

I guess my main point is this: it's a shitty situation all around. it has left so many victims in its wake. most obviously and directly the people he stole from, but also the people who trusted him who he lied to, and the people who his misinformation will affect even if they never heard of him. and there are a lot of people processing and hurting right now. and there are a lot of conversations happening about how this coming to light can help prevent it from continuing to happen at scales like this. and conversations about people making similar stuff themselves that is properly researched where any incorrect information is accidental and likely to be corrected. and if you have to weigh in to those, do so constructively. say what you need to about what he did or about what is being said, but don't turn it into a sleuthing competition or a party trick that you figured it out first. don't post about how heavy handed and egregious it was and how everyone had to have noticed. don't guilt and shame the people who are processing. find something positive to say. find something comforting to say. the situation is shitty enough without unnecessary negativity clogging everything up

[urartian]

straight actors after a show they were in ended be like: yeah they were gay!

me, an intellectual: confirming that a character was queer or that a queer ship was canon only after a show ended is not enough representation it’s actually pretty homophobic queerbaiting hurts when will y’all understand that

[copingwithcomics]

Uhhh, hello new people and heads up on future posting plans:

There is not a lot left towards Pinky and Pepper Forever, there's only one in the queue. ATM it's most a lot of air master I had in the drafts, and some more of Laura Dean, Not so shojo love story, and the prince and the dressmaker. I mostly had this running on auto since.... February? So I've been considering trying to add more I meant to which currently is;

Seagull Villa

Kase-san

Our teachers are dating

Snot girl

Our wonderful Days

Heavy Vinyl

Not your idol

My androgynous boyfriend

Roadqueen

Boys run the riot

Conditions of paradise

I'm in love with the villianess

The bride was a boy

Seaside stranger

I married my best friend

My brother's husband

Rikaette de kanji

Canonball

The Girl from the Sea

Love in Focus

Blank Canvas

Complex Age

I think our son is Gay

Sweet Blue Flowers

Girl Haven

I want to be a Wall

Other series to be added as I read them via official methods. It's fun to have people enjoy this blog but so those know, it's as the title says; this is just a place where I'm using comic to cope. I'm sad, I'm extremely gay, and I'm going through some shit where the sad, gay shit I'm reading is very relatable. At some points I might mix in music or videos as well. That being said, I wouldn't mind some sad gay recs, there's even more series I haven't listened that I'm partway through or collected from; I'm actually an illustrator myself so I expect to soon start adding Blue Period and Blank canvas in. Atm I'm hungry to read sapphic stories, particularly with masc characters.

[autisticandroids]

anyway ok so lets talk about ruby SPECIFICALLY in my good s6 au. this ruby concept is almost the same as @lesbiansamwinchester‘s ruby lives au but has some key differences, mainly ruby doesn’t redeem herself in s5. lucifer raises her in sympathy for the devil because she really was the best of those sons of bitches and she deserves it but she spends all of s5 conflicted in her loyalties because while she really DOES want lucifer to win she is also In Love With Sam, Unfortunately, and gets more and more uncomfortable with sam being lucifer’s vessel and shit. and then she finally betrays lucifer in like, two minutes to midnight or swan song and he IMMEDIATELY kills her (very important: lucifer must already be possessing sam when this happens). then she’s brought back like. face down in a ditch 300 miles away. that’s how ruby ends season five.

anyway watch this video to set the mood. ruby stuff in season six:

- so at FIRST she is actually running around with a ragtag group of lucifer loyalist demons led by meg. meg kind of hates her for betraying lucifer for sam but also you know sam’s dead and ruby won’t do it again and most importantly they need EVERY pair of hands on board for this. so ruby is kissing huge amounts of ass mostly meg’s, like, meg is making her wait on her hand and foot in an apron. it’s comically villain homoerotic. you know. like ruby serves meg tea in a maid outfit for no other reason then as like. ridiculous humiliation that’s also intensely, weirdly horny. like the lucifer crowley dog stuff in s11. actually meg literally makes ruby wear a dog collar with a little tag that says like, “ruby. if found, please call 666 and return to owner (meg).” i cannot stress enough that this is just STUPID horny for NO reason. you guys know what i mean. it’s basically sorority hazing but up to eleven because demons, and also forever. also meg makes ruby kiss her hand at least once. or like no she makes her kiss her boot. i am having too much fun i’ve gotten distracted.

- ruby finds out sam is alive and immediately ditches. like she just fucks off to nowhere and they can’t figure out where she went. anyway this samruby reunion takes place like, before the first episode definitely, maybe a few months.

- i do like @lesbiansamwinchester‘s thing where ruby tries very hard to be sam’s moral compass but also imo she fucks up, very bad, and a lot. and soulless sam can’t really catch her at it so they end up doing a lot of very fucked shit actually. but she tries very hard because she cares about sam and she wants him to think well of himself y’know. and she wants to be someone who sam would think was worth following.

- re: that last point. many thoughts. head full.

- when sam and dean finally see each other again ruby is there and dean is like what the FUCK. like he did see that she betrayed lucifer for sam at the last minute but also he hates her and doesn’t trust her, and he actually kind of suspects that whatever’s wrong with sam might actually be HER fault. 

- this post is relevant.

- okay but i’ve decided that the cas/meg kiss DOES in fact happen in this au because i do kind of love it and also more importantly, with the addition of the insane meg being ruby’s shitty ex vibe that i am jamming into this au with both hands, it is just. chefkiss. ruby and dean look at each other in horror while sam is just like huh? i’m sorry but imagine being ruby and being forced to watch your horrible ex get kissed dommily by castiel. god this is funny i love this. again this is all in subtext because we are imagining cw censors and i’ve used up my one allotted gay kiss for the season by having anna make out with a random woman at an orgy to prove that all angels are degenerate pansexual hedonists, you know. (is this homophobic enough for the cw? i hope so!) also: an orgy which balthazar organized and cas refused to attend, to be clear. 

- dean is actually garbage enough about the whole ruby thing that sam and ruby fuck off by themselves for a good while like, maybe three or four episodes, leaving dean alone or sometimes with cas. during this time dean gets a little bit involved with the angel revolutionaries.

- anyway when sam gets his soul back he’s like, torn, between dean and ruby. he feels guilty for how he behaved towards and thought about dean but he would ALSO feel guilty just kicking ruby to the curb.

- HOWEVER when he gets his soulless memories back he does kick her to the curb because she has done some REALLY fucked up shit while trying to be his moral compass like she is BAD at it.

- once ruby is left all alone in the world, guess who shows up in a flutter of wings and ambiguity! it’s anna! 

- she is here to ask ruby if she wants to spy on hell for the angel revolution. ruby accepts because everyone else hates her right now. if anna wants to take her in under cas’ banner (and not tell the winchesters because they’re technically on the same side but what’s a little subterfuge between friends) ruby will take it.

- ruby and anna DO get to have some fun agent runner/agent lesbian subtext, as a treat! at least when anna isn’t busy eating food out of lisa braeden’s fridge like villanelle and other nuts things. 

- like i do wanna be clear anna just. appears in lisa braeden’s kitchen, slowly, wordlessly eats her leftovers while staring her down, and then flies away. this contributes to lisa’s impending mental breakdown. MY season six is about the madness of the suburban housewife, among many other various things.

- also i want to be clear that raphael’s side is actually like, funneling weapons to the lucifer loyalist demons to try and get them to defeat crowley but it’s all very hush hush, like, raphael would NOT want his underlings to know that he has organized this, like, they can barely stand to work with naomi. the fact that raphael had naomi organize help for DEMONS is unthinkable. anyway it’s basically celestial iran-contra.

- ruby is actually one of the last people to stick by cas even when like, anna and balthazar are betraying him, because like. whomst among us has never wanted to become god a little. and also, ruby is weak to authority figures we KNOW this she might be down to accept cas as her heavenly father a little, she’s NOT a rebel. but most importantly she sticks by him because, you know, i love sam and he’s mad at me for kinda betraying him and you [REDACTED] dean and he’s mad at you for kinda betraying him like we’re all winchester derangement syndrome patients here, and also like. i get it. sometimes they don’t know what’s good for them. sometimes in order to love you have to betray a little bit.

- ruby doesn’t turn on cas until he breaks sam’s wall. but by then it’s too late and there’s nothing she can do really.

- the parallel where it was dean who stabbed ruby in lucifer rising and it’s sam who stabs cas in the man who knew too much is actually intentional this time and WAY more aggressive. actually there are tons of cas-ruby parallels. i think meg should call ruby a whore like one episode before crowley calls cas a whore just to hammer it home. i think the thing where soulless sam runs away from dean’s judgement and is running around with ruby while dean is sulking about it but also running around with cas is super aggressively obvious. god i love that ruby’s existence makes it super obvious that cas is dean’s [REDACTED]. that’s so fun. 

- this has been an intensely hypertextual romp and it’s apparently nearly fifteen hundred words, good god. anyway, special thanks to @lesbiansamwinchester, @pietacastiel, and @seragamble, all of whom brainstormed with me

[shipping-kitchen]

What kind of problematic media would Sam and Dean Winchester be into?

Sam Winchester

After he reads the Supernatural books and finds out there’s fanfiction for them??? He’s hooked

At first he reads the summaries out to Dean to make fun of them, but Dean is genuinely kind of creeped out by the books’ whole existence, so Sam stops sharing the fics… but he doesn’t stop searching for them

Reading RPF of his own brother is probably bad, especially since he’s hiding it from Dean, but it’s so interesting to read people’s interpretations of their life, and he doesn’t like reading from his own point of view, so Dean fics it is!

Mostly reads Destiel fics but occasionally makes a very guilty dip into Wincest, telling himself it’s just so he can make fun of it in his head (but it’s also… kind of nice? reading about his brother thinking such nice things about him. even if they’re mostly filthy… it’s still an ego boost)

Dean Winchester

I struggle more with Dean: rather than fandoms, he’s more of a mainstream pornography guy, which is not my wheelhouse, but here’s some headcanons!

He likes cheerleader outfits and virginity videos, both of them are big turn-ons for him

A little bit of dubcon in his porn? Hell yeah for Dean, especially if it’s the guy who isn’t sure about stuff and the girl just hops on him, he loves to see that female dominance

On that note, forced cumshots and forced creampies are also a big turn on

Eventually he also gets interested in ‘gay surprise’ staged videos (ie. “tricked my mate into fucking me when he thought it was his gf’s ass”) which also have dubcon elements but kinda help him to solidify his own sexuality

‘Porn and Fiction’ Rant under the cut for easy avoidance

Fandom is a lot simpler than pornography for me, because pornography involves real people who must give real consent!!

It’s hard to make sure you’re getting porn from a safe source that doesn’t pressure their actors, underpay, or allow underage content on their site. That’s why it’s important to support sites that allow sex workers to run their own content, and companies that have a commitment to ethical creation standards 👍

Dean doesn’t do any of that, so writing about him made me wince a bit: to me, it crosses lines of problematic fiction vs. real problematic things. But luckily Dean himself is fictional and so are the impacts of his consumer choices!

[knowledge-warrior]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BXD6FyENcco&t=5s

Please like and subscribe on YouTube as well. 

Video Description

Queerbaiting + Bury Your Gays - What About Us?

Premise: This video takes into consideration of intimate same-sex relationships (as well as individual characters) that end in tragedy, unhappy endings, death, little screen time, or baited by the writers. 

 Queerbaiting is a marketing technique for fiction and entertainment in which creators hint at, but then do not actually depict, same-sex romance or other LGBTQ+ representation. They do so to attract ("bait") a queer or straight ally audience with the suggestion of relationships or characters that appeal to them, while at the same time attempting to avoid alienating other consumers. 

"Bury Your Gays" is an example of one issue that has been widely condemned over the past few years. The website TV Tropes defines "bury your gays" as such: "Often... gay characters just aren't allowed happy endings. Even if they do end up having some kind of relationship, at least one half of the couple... has to die at the end... Additionally, the problem isn't merely that gay characters are killed off: the problem is the tendency that gay characters are killed off in a story full of mostly straight characters, or when the characters are killed off because they are gay." 

 Song: What About Us? by Pink (slowed down) 

Fandoms and couples in order of appearance: Dean/Castiel (Destiel) - Supernatural Sherlock/John (Johnlock) - BBC Sherlock Merlin/Arthur (Merthur) - BBC Merlin Xena/Gabrielle - Xena: Warrior Princess Emma/Regina (Swan Queen) - Once upon a time Clarke/Lexa (Clexa) - The 100 Tara/Willow (Tillow) - Buffy the Vampire Slayer Tara/Pam - True Blood Clark/Lex (Clex) - Smallville Kara/Lena (Supercorp) - Supergirl Quentin/Eliot (Queliot) - The Magicians Steve/Tony (Stony) - The Avengers Stiles/Derek (Sterek) - Teen Wolf Betty/Veronica (Beronica) - Riverdale Spock/Kirk (Spirk) - Star Trek Jack/Ianto (Janto) - Torchwood Quinn/Rachel (Faberry) - Glee Polo Benavent - Elite Amberle/Eretria (Princess Rover) - The Shannara Chronicles Morgana/Gwen (Morgwen) - BBC Merlin Becky/Adam - Degrassi Percival/Gwaine (Pergwaine) - BBC Merlin Steve/Bucky (Stucky) - The Avengers Faith/Buffy (Fuffy) - Buffy The Vampire Slayer Nick/Gatsby (Natsby) - The Great Gatsby Sam/Bucky (Sambucky) - The Falcon and The Winter Soldier 

Copyright Disclaimer under Section 107 of the copyright act 1976, allowance is made for fair use for purposes such as criticism, comment, news reporting, scholarship, and research. Fair use is a use permitted by copyright statute that might otherwise be infringing. Non-profit, educational or personal use tips the balance in favour of fair use

[fridayiminlovemp3]

deancas fic recommendations part 2! (part 1)

someone who’s feeling for me (45k, mature)

- this one is so much fun!! it has cas, dean, and lisa in the world’s messiest nonexistent love triangle. it takes place during season 12 and has the gang running into lisa during a hunt in idaho, forcing dean to confront the fact that he asked cas to erase lisa’s memories and actually deal with the consequences of it.

broadway musical (12k, mature)

- this fic makes me laugh so much wwjdjhdjsb it’s sooo much fun and a major mood booster. the summary is that instead of john and mary being set up as soulmates by heaven (so their children can be the lucifer and michael vessels) it’s dean and jo. the fic is mostly cas pov but also has a lot of it taking place on angel radio (i’d definitely recommend this fic if you like the angels all being one giant dysfunctional family built of 30 different siblings and an absent father)

one step closer (3k, teen)

- a shorter fic but still one of my favourites! takes place after 15.18 and has dean rescuing cas from the empty, which in this fic isn’t a black hole of nothingness but is more similar to purgatory and is full of the lost souls of many demons, angels, and reapers.

a kiss for every season (22k, explicit)

- a sobsicles fic so you know it’s gonna be good :-) anyway this one is for the judaskissnatural community! pretty much is exactly what the title says (11 different scenes, from seasons 4-5 all with a deancas kiss written in)

and everytime we kiss, i swear i could fly (14k, teen)

- similar to the last fic where it’s 12 different scenes from seasons 4-15 rewritten to have a deancas kiss in them. it has some similar scenes to the last one but overall has a different tone so never feel all that similar. i just really like the idea that dean and cas had kissed many times off screen but dean always no homoed his way out of talking about it <3 let him be bad bisexual rep 🙏

looking for a creation myth (39k, mature)

- takes place after season 8 when cas is human, only this time he actually stays human (and stays in the bunker and gadreel doesn’t happen). charlie and cas smoke weed and play video games, crowley’s now human and is desperately trying to join their friend group, they all go to a gay monster bar together, cas breaks his ribs on a hunt, and adopts a dog. the plot is kind of all of the place but it’s a really fun fic especially if you like charlie!

you’re fooling yourself (13k, teen)

- baby jack fic!!!!! it takes place 2 years after the final (where everyone is alive and after defeating chuck jack lost his powers and became a baby). dean and cas are living together raising jack and struggling to adjust to a normal life after hunting. overall it’s so cute and has cas keeping bees!! literally the perfect fic

[roublardise]

Artistic overview - 2021

Turns out most of what I created this year was spn related. I got back into writing fanfic when I had told myself I was done ; I got back into doing some gifs ; I used my degrees to go off about the show in a smarter way. Mostly, I've started video editing!!

I'm quite proud of all I've created, and here it is 💕🥰

META

SPN vs Consent - the portrayal of consent

Amara's potential

my "Crowley isn't attracted to women" take (aka, gay Crowley is canon)

Rowena's attraction to men and heteronormativity

GIFS & GRAPHICS

for spnwomenweek

fav character - Amara gifset

colors - Amara edits

for sapphicnaturalrights

poetry & comphet - gifset

community - Max & Stacy edit

motherhood - Mary edits

sapphics of color - bi Alicia gifset

rarepairs - Amara/Mary moodboard

lesbianism - Charlie & Claire gifset

Amara's outfits - edits

Cruel Summer by Taylor Swift but it’s about moc!Dean - edit

Drowley & Amara - gifset

Dean & Crowley - pride icons set

Crowley - pride icons set

AMV

(alphabetical order, so the skills can vary a lot from one to another)

individuals

Amara - Ancient dreams in a modern land

Amara - Don't make me

Alex Jones - Living Dead

Bela Talbot - Girl is a gun

Castiel - Rootless

Dean Winchester - Baby, I'm an anarchist

Jo Harvelle - My Own Dance

Mary Winchester - All Souls Night

Meg Masters - Look What You Made Me Do

ships

Anael/Bela - Cowboy like me

Bela/Meg - I Know Places

Claire/Kaia - Pretty Girl

Claire/Kaia - Rebel Girl part1 - part2

Destiel - Hey Stephen

Destiel - Taxi Driver

Drowley - Bad Together

Drowley - Imaginary Lover

FIC

(under the cut but you won't regret clicking)

You therefore must bc perfect, as your heavenly Father is perfect

9.4k - rated M

Childhood memories are coming back to Dean after John's death. Pieces of what was and what could've never been, tied together with barbed wire, and cutting his skin from inside. He can't look away as they draw the perfect abuse picture and he won't be able to until he figures his way out.

TLDR: adhd trans Dean breaking the cycle of abuse, set in early spn times

here come the fallen, here come the failed ones

6.1k - rated T

Castiel and Meg are both following orders and pretending they aren't questioning them. They meet and keep wondering - how does Hell work? when do human souls turn to dark smoke? can angels even feel? what is so wrong about kisses? why the "human only" signs? Then natural disasters happen. And love.

TLDR: true forms megstiel (which can be read as either platonic or romantic). exploration of what it means to have a soul & the ways in which Cas & Meg (& Dean)'s stories intertwined. w/ autistic cas

It's new - the shape of your body

1.4k - rated M

Dean is starving to be touched ; Crowley is starving to be seen.

TLDR: emotional t4t drowley

admidst ashes and feathers

6.7k - rated M

Mary is brought back from the dead by Amara (again). This time, she doesn't want to do the same mistakes. This time, she wants to be herself. Whoever the hell that may be.

TLDR: lesbian Mary Winchester finding support and her own community. if you're gonna read only one of my fic, pls be that one!

[eddie-redcliff]

In the 25 years since Sam had figured out that she wasn’t a man, (or rather a boy, back then), they had only told two people.

Three if she counted herself, looking herself dead in the eyes in a motel bathroom while her father and Dean were off on a hunt. Whispering as though somehow through the walls and miles that separated them they could hear.

“I’m not a boy. I’m a girl.”

Then it was Jessica.

They met in art class, and they got along well. Sam asked if they could hang out, and Jessica had explained that she was going to the student Gay-Straight-Alliance meeting. Sam let some bullshit about her brother being gay (a lie that years later proved to be at least half-true) and Jess invited her along.

There were two trans-men in the club, and no other trans women. That’s what Sam figured out she was. The label didn’t fit perfectly well, but she assumed that she just needed time adjusting. It was good enough for now. And what did it matter how she identified? No one would know.

Because that’s what she had accepted. Sam would spend her whole life being a man to the rest of the world. She didn’t have money to spare for gender reassignment surgery, and who would trust a transgender person to be a social worker?

But she told Jess. Because Jess told her that she loved her and Sam knew that it was only a matter of time before she couldn’t keep it to just herself anymore.

She explained that she wasn’t a man. She explained that she wasn’t quite a woman either but was working on that. She explained that no one else could know. That this was just between the two of them.

Then Jess had made her a cake, decorated in blue pink and white whipped cream.

The world wouldn’t know, but the woman she loved did, and that was all she needed.

Jess died.

Sam started traveling with her brother, who would call her ‘Samantha’ but only as a joke. To mock her.

She was infatuated with Ruby, but she didn’t tell her. There was a part of her, buried under all the books she had read in college that was scared that Ruby would tell her that what she was was just further proof of her monstrosity. Proof that she belonged with Hell.

She wondered if maybe her body was not made to match her soul, but to match Lucifer, who would one day possess it.

She didn’t tell Amelia, but she thinks that she could have. Amelia had once whispered into her shoulder as she lay in Sam's arms “You’re not like any other man. You’re different. I think that’s why I can really love you.”

Sam wanted to tell her that she wasn’t a man. That’s what was different.

Not that the thing with Amelia lasted.

Eileen was everything. A hunter. Smart. Beautiful.

And the most wonderful thing was that she thought the same of Sam.

Hunting wasn’t stationary work though, so it took 2 months of video calls and texting before they were actually able to meet up in person again.

“Sam, I need to tell you something.” They were in the garage, back from their first official date. Eileen still stood on the far side of her car, playing with her keys in her hands. She put them away so that she could sign.

“What?” Sam signed.

“I’m transgender” the word was accompanied by a swirling sweeping motion, like a leaf dancing in the wind as it fell off of a tree. “That means that I was assigned male at birth, but I’m a wo-”

“I know what it means.” Sam interrupted. “Shit. Sorry. I didn’t mean to cut you off.”

“Yes. that was very rude” Eileen joked, and Sam knew that she was forgiven. “I’ve had bottom surgery, but my genitals are not exactly the same as a cis- assigned female at birth - woman. I just wanted to let you know now so that you didn’t ask weird questions in bed.”

Sam felt her eyes go wide and mouth form a smile. “You want to go to bed with me?”

“No. We went on a date as friends.”

“Right. Great. I. I would also like that. Very much.”

The sex is great, but after Sam’s jelousy sours her afterglow.

“I wish I could be like you.” Sam whispered. She lifted her head and repeated herself so that Eileen could see.

“Elegant and clever?”

“A woman.”

That seemed to catch Eileen off guard, but she recovered quickly. “Wanting to be a woman is a symptom of being a woman, you know.”

“I know. I’ve-” For some reason she can’t say it. It catches in her throat and she realizes that it’s been 16 years since she last told anyone about this part of herself.

Eileen is patient. She sits up in the bed and waits.

“I've known that I wasn’t a man since I was a kid. I just- I’ve mostly accepted that I’ll never transition. Still, I’ve never met anyone like me, and seeing you. Being yourself. Properly. It hurts a bit.”

Eileen lay a hand on her arm. A warm, kind presence. She removes it to sign “you could if you want.”

“Not really. Don’t think that people will buy the whole FBI thing if I look like the halfway stage of an animorphs book.”

“You won’t look like… that.”

“It’s fine. I’ve made my peace with this body, even if it was never really mine.”

Eileen, bless her, changed the subject before Sam could start thinking about Lucifer again.

“Do you want me to call you a different name? Just when we are together?”

“Sam is good.”

Eileen finger spells out “S-a-m-a-n-t-h-a”

“No. Just Sam. You’re reminding me of Dean fucking with me with Samantha.”

“He doesn't know?”

“I don’t really plan on telling him. Ever.”

Eileen nodded. Understanding.

Then Eileen died.

And stuff happened.

And Eileen came back. And more stuff happened.

But now it was safe. Eileen moved into the bunker, and everyday after 14 hours of being a man she could return to her and Eileen’s room and be her.

And really, that was all she needed.