#but man I’ve done good for myself
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just opened my fridge and looked in it, not because I’m hungry or thirsty or bored, but because I just got back from an expensive grocery run earlier and as abysmal as it is that I spent nearly $300 dollars and my small apartment fridge isn’t full to bursting… it was just a moment of being glad that I can. like I’m lucky enough that I can afford not to be hungry, that there’s enough for me to share.
I do this with my pantry sometimes too and maybe it’s silly. maybe it indicates some deep rooted subconscious fear that I wouldn’t be able to keep enough food in the house. idk what it is. but I feel lucky.
#personal#ignore#it’s not perfect or anything#a one bedroom apartment over a century old with issues of age#been fighting for my life with the mold tbh#but man I’ve done good for myself#and the price of houses are starting to come down in my area a think#if the trend continues long enough#I might be able to be a homeowner even
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Back to BUSINESS. wip
#Sesskag wip#I’ve been done with this for a minute but I was too tired from work and refreshing myself on other interests#now that I finally had a decent rest and can see straight it’s all good!! ALL GOOD !!!#work was DUMB and LONG ugh. it’s almost spring :D!!! that means good weather and work being more exhausting bc everybody wanna be outside#also y’all I met a new guy lol the last one sucked I like this new guy so much. matter fact I’m seeing a man now the last one was#just some dude yknow lol I gave 5 months of my time to just some dude just to get broken up with before vday🤡🤡#but now I’m back to baseline! just in time
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a dr told me my chest pain is most likely caused by stress rn but he did prescribe me an anti-inflammatory so like did i feel a lil dismissed? yes. but it was still kind of a win so hopefully 2 weeks of this med will make all my chest pain go away forever fr
#he said it’s “100% not my heart” based on every other test i’ve had done and that it’s p definitely muscular#which like is reassuring#but it’s just sooo weird that it started when i got the crown put on my cracked tooth#and then again when i got the second root canal#like so weird#i don’t get it#bodies are fucked man#i should be able to press a button and be healed it’s 2024 sci-fi times#still seeing the endodontist who did the root canal on thursday so she can make sure my tooth is actually all good#which hopefully it is#if anyone has tips on how to stop grinding your teeth at night send them#my way#bc i have a night guard but i think im still causing myself issues#m.txt
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Not sneeze just mental health rambling in the tags
#I’ve spent a very long time trying to change my brain so I can just operate at a neurotypical level#it’s always been impossible and I feel like shit for it#so recently I finally just said#I am not neurotypical and never will be no matter what I do!#so I need to be kind to myself and make the accommodations I need for myself!#which is a work in progress but idk. it’s kind of painful that the neurotypical people in my life act like I’m asking for an arm and a leg#when I’m very genuinely asking if slight changes could be made between us#I absolutely don’t expect anyone to change their lifestyle for me or anything#it’s stuff like not holding long conversations when I’m in the middle of writing because it messes up my flow#and I tell my family beforehand! hey I’m gonna write for a couple of hours does anyone need anything from me before#and they say no! but then ten minutes later will start telling me a story about their day#which I’m okay to hear BEFORE I start a writing session or AFTER#and I goddamn communicate that!!! but they act like I’m asking for nobody to ever speak to me again#another thing is that I CANNOT eat anything past an expiration date#I know it’s still probably good but my brain will just keep saying YOURE GONNA DIE OF FOOD POISONING#so say the half gallon of milk is past its date#I will buy a fresh one to start using myself but I don’t toss the old one because I know others don’t care as much#and they they complain that I’m wasting milk#like I’m sorry it’s 1) my money and 2) how is it being wasted when y’all are happy to drink it til it’s done?#idk man!! neurotypical people sure do say that shit should be easy for neurodivergent people#but they sure do struggle to be slightly accommodating without bitching#idk rant over peace out
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If I started posting art I make for different fandoms would anyone look at it or should I just keep drawing and giggling at it in that dark corner over there
#bandit’s words#I ask because people (probably) follow me for my hc art#so if I just spring art of some fish man I made on you you’d probably be pretty frightened right#but also this is my blog I can post whatever I want#I do this for free I should be able to post what I want when I want#I draw for myself but also I’d like to make stuff other people like too aye#I’m happy keeping it to myself ofc#giving myself content#but on the off chance that at least one other person would like it I should probably share it yeah?#(clearly this has been an internal debate for a minute)#I don’t mean to get yappy but I’m curious what people think#ultimately it’s my choice ofc#but I post stuff for other people just as much as I post it for myself#so I’d say it’d be fair if you got some say in it right#or is that stupid of me#uhhanyways#I realize this reads like I’m done with hc which is FAR from right#but I’ve been drawing other stuff a lot and I feel like someone would like it :-)#goodness this is an unintentional tag wall uhh#that’s about it though :D
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What if my anxiety melted away and everything was fine, actually.
#guys. i’m okay. i’m fine.#it’s actually happening#i’m getting on the medication that might finally actually help me with one of my chronic conditions#i turned in the big scary assignment and i’m really proud of my work#something REALLY HUGE AND GOOD happened at work that i’ll be announcing soon#and like. suddenly the world doesn’t seem so bad and overwhelming and scary…#i’ve been feeling so hopeless and beaten down and dissociated from myself#and then suddenly driving home from work today i remembered that i am capable#and that no matter how much there is to be done - i can and will do it#i am strong and i am smart and i have an amazing team by my side#and we fucking HAVE this man!#i can’t believe i ever doubted it#it all makes so much sense now#there is still SO much to do and it is still A LOT#but people are hearing and supporting and loving me through it#and that is exactly what i need#bless you all and good night!
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idk how to start this so this post is ab individual action, trying to motivate positive change in the world, etc etc
a lot of growing up in the US for me makes things feel more scary than they are. like it’s actually not that difficult to go out of your way to get a bottle of water or iced cup of water from some random drive through if you think you should do it. either fast food conglomerate or local actually, it’ll usually be cheaper than 5 dollars to get drinkable water. i try to have 5-10 dollars i can justify spending on water, and asking for change, because sometimes when i’m out driving i need to go grab water.
i do not do this for me as much as i try to do it specifically when i see someone who’s most likely homeless on a street corner. i’m sure one day i might do this and they might not be there when i come back, but what have i lost really? a bit of time and a bit of money that would’ve meant more to them, that i can hold onto until i see them next.
the pressure that a lot of people feel when they think “what can i do” comes from this grand narrative that the average citizen can singlehandedly fix the housing crisis. rich people? maybe. nonprofits? not in a day, not all one person still. what can i do is a question i ask a lot. what can i do, not just because it feels bad to move along like nothings wrong with the world, but what can i do that will do anything. what can i do that makes even the smallest change.
i feel like it took me too long to figure out a personal method to what i consider individual action. it’s taking time to get to my own financial stability to be able to do more. but for now it’s as simple as water and cash. not water and food, but water and cash.
individual action means a lot in small steps, go get a bottle of water bare minimum and the price of a meal if you can and then just give it to them. if it wasn’t such a miserably hot place where i live i would keep a pack of water in my car, which i still want to do for the sake of having immediate access to water to give someone who might need it- hot or cold sometimes won’t matter. but when it’s hot out, get cold water, if it’s cold out, a warm tea will hydrate more than coffee will as long as it’s not super caffeinated.
#very genuinely i’ve always felt paralyzed by the idea i cannot doing anything to help and on the grand scale i kind of can’t#i can’t give someone a house to stay in where i could take care of the space enough to get someone back on their own feet#but i can give someone water and some money for whatever they need#one day i’ll be able to do more but for now. water bottles and cash.#what i want to say here is everyone knows bare necessities and everyone knows ways to get them#i also have an opinion that you should sit with and hold the harsh feeling of seeing the world fall apart and help people survive anyway#idfk man#i’ve met some extremely fucking jaded people in my time at college who seem to have no way to piece together that they can do SOMETHING#one of my classmates once complained about feeling bad about not doing anything for a guy on a corner and i recognized who#because i’d seen him too and done nothing at least 5 times before one day on the way home i gave him all the cash i had on me#she’d said she’d do more if she wasn’t so scared and anxious of being hurt. i don’t see how he could even look harmful or dangerous#he blessed me and offered a hug and asked me to have a good day and said thank you and i still can’t see why she was scared of him#at the same time i hadn’t done anything until i saw myself in someone else and thought it looked nasty. looked uncaring.#i saw him again today and gave him a water bottle and all the cash i had on me. i told him the weather seemed hot#he agreed with me and he took the bottle of water#i think i interrupted him opening it to hand him the rest#he got up and he blessed me again#offered a hug and more thank you’s and it’s so simple but i felt us both human in that moment. talking about the weather in a brief exchange#wishing each other well as we go different ways#he wouldn’t stop thanking me and wishing me well#i told him it was the smallest thing i think anyone could do and i still walked away hollow wishing to have done more somehow#to suddenly own an apartment complex nearby for him and anyone he knew that needed it too#not a rigid shelter but a place to make home#blah blah blah talking too much about a deed done because i get emotional about humanity#tauto talks
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bg3 is one of the only games where i’ve had to take some space away with it due to content. and honestly? i think that’s a good thing
#i’m usually very good at separating my emotions from a character’s emotions/my past from a character’s past#i can probably count the number of movies/tv shows/games i’ve cried because of in one hand (the first one was angel. that finale got me.)#but bg3 is different in that i haven’t cried bc something was too sad/emotionally powerful but that i needed to physically step away#the similarities between astarion and myself became kind of unbearable but in a good way? like it was painful but it was well-done#idk if not for my past of SA i rlly don’t think his storyline would hit that hard to me personally. but because i see so much of myself#in his mannerisms and how he puts on a façade of being hypersexual it just. it just rlly gets me man#and this is GOOD WRITING!! it’s GOOD FUCKING WRITING!! but it’s very bittersweet for me bc i feel like i can relate to his storyline on#another level but it also causes such emotional pain that i wish i could disengage from it. just my thoughts tho#also just wanted to say: i don’t think it was ever confirmed that astarion was assaulted by cazador but he does textually have issues with#intimacy and sexuality as a result of cazador. so obv while our experiences are not the same i think it’s fair to draw parallels as long as#you don’t take implication as fact. anyway.#bg3#baldur’s gate 3#discussion of assault in tags
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had a convo with someone about fandom and writing and moralization and purity culture and they were against it and yet when we started talking about problematic media and authors the arguments they used were literally the same as moralizing arguments
still trying to understand their logic
won’t go into too much more bc they’re on tumblr too but I’m still thinking about it
think I came off as a dick bc I didn’t just nod my head and agree
but mostly I’m just real fucking tired
#people don’t owe you their fucking life story to justify them writing about topics#if and when I decide to try and publish original work I’m not outing myself to my readers to justify having a queer main character#people make mistakes and say stupid shit even unintentionally#it’s unrealistic to hold someone to a perfect standard and frankly I’m fucking tired of that#I’ve held myself to a perfect standard I don’t fucking need someone else doing that#I’m not going to continue punishing myself for shit done in ignorance and quite frankly you shouldn’t punish someone else#for shit done in genuine ignorance#I’m sure 100 years from now there’ll be two 22 yr olds looking back on the stuff we wrote talking out how problematic it was#just fucking hell man that conversation was draining#I’m sorry I actually wanted to have a discussion and put some thought into it instead of mindlessly agree and stating how I don’t support#insert problematic authors here#we’re the same age but they feel younger#someone can be a horrible person and write a good story that you once even loved#doesn’t mean there’s not problems in it the problems were always there but if you only ever try to consume unproblematic media#you’re gonna run out of material quickly#sorry for the rant#me#personal
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I think i sound very uh flat n monotone normally, but a lot of ppl disagree.. my perception of my self is sooo skewed
#talked to cjs sister for the first time and she went on abt my voice and it’s weird because to me#I sound like a teenaged boh#*boy mixed with pinkie pie on a good day#either that or it’s giving like. weird seductress rouge the bat grown man#very gender if I say so myself#I’ve been drawing myself a lot more so the way I perceive my self is literally changing by the second#do people notice i deepen my voice the first time we talk#do they notice how I balance on one foot#do they notice the accidental like. ci#*vocal mimicry I do? ch was telling me abt the things they love abt my body because I was being silly and self hating#and it’s weird that the things we r both insecure abt are just things that like. make us us? idk#bad wording. cj could totally change everything new aesthetic new clothes new body type idk they would become my standard for beauty because#they already r. my type is her#I worry if I lose or gain weight if I change my hair again if I change aesthetics or go father into grad goth shit if they’ll find me ugly#but. I don’t think they will#I’ve gained lost changed done all the big changes looks perocnaliyy wise#and I consistinely feel loved and wanted#sorry rambling abt my gf over#ppl sometimes tell me I’m intimidating or rlly nice#strangers call me lovely#loved ones call me everything in between#I see myself as a wretched ugly creature that won’t chnage no matter how much I pull my body around#but maybe that’s not entirely true#but also I like pretending to be a nonhuman creature because it’s fun and dehumanization is okay when I do it
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The hormone cycle my ENEMY when I catch you!!!!
#thoughts#oni talks#oni vents#been struggling again and I only just remembered the FUN little fact that adhd meds will either work less or just not work depending on like#where you are at in the hormone cycle I think more accurately it’s the menstrual cycle but idc you get what I mean#& my body already doesn’t do the cycles normally & I ALSO MISPLACED MY MEDS FOR THAT AGAIN#PROBABLY BC MY ADHD MEDS ARENT WORKING GOOD BC OF THE HORMONES!!#I only just realized this bc I just took mine late in the day about an hour or maybe a few ago and was like huh#I’m not getting any of the feelings or focus I normally do? or it’s like less at the most? then I recalled I started my period I think idk#again hard to tell bc of the whole my body doesn’t like to do normal menstrual cycles w/o force (& even then) thing#just now realizing this is probably why I’ve been struggling to force myself to open packages for at least a week or more now which is a#VERY SIMPLE & EASY & PROBABLY EVEN ENTERTAINING TASK?#which bc I haven’t been able to force myself to do that I haven’t been able to do other things I wanted to do bc THE THINGS ARE IN THE BOXES#namely I got a diffuser coz I don’t have one & I’m trying to actually learn curly hair shit & also get my hair to be back to how it was &#also I think I finally managed to figure out products maybe but w/o a diffuser it’s like a wet curlyish dog? I haven’t been able to test how#to use it yet which I meant to do earlier bc later today I have an event that I need to be in full clown glam for so I’m risking shit by#trying the new hair stuff today (it’ll be fine if it’s fucked I’ll just have it up) but ALSO that makes me more upset bc I get my perjod(?)#right as I have to dress up in PASTELS??? I can’t be a goth clown that’s too close to mimes man#in fairness there are other colors of goth but you get what I mean in this instance#also delayed my plans bc it’s 1am and I meant to do this earlier but then my other plans for the day got delayed too so it was just AAHH#all day was a series of slight bothers man#I’m doing everything in my power to not chicken out of the clown thing coz I WAS excited for the concept of what I’d do but idk if I’ll end#up being able to do what I intended ALSO idk if I’ll be done fast enough since I was debating going to a sports (shocking ik) thing but#I would probably not be able to go to that in non clown form so like idk if that’s a thing?#also I wanna invite this one girl I met to an event at some point but I can’t tell if that’s a weird creepy thing to do or if that’s my ocd#ALSO I’m starting to wonder if there’s mold in my room coz it would lowkey make sense if there was tbh#also speaking of things I forgot I was made an organizer yesterday for a local lesbian group and I keep forgetting to update the page with#events which I just realized I was supposed to do yesterday coz one of the events is literally today??? AAHHH#THE ADHD DEMON OF I WILL DO IT LATER IS HAUNTING ME YALL
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ong nahhhh im crashing out lol
#idk what the reason was because I haven’t done this in MONTHS#but I ended up stalking his new girl and they just celebrated their 1 year anniversary and have been taking hella trips and that makes me so#sad lol#because I’ve just been here single (although also taking hella trips)#but yea I just feel like no one will ever love me or see my worth#and I can’t stop comparing myself to her and thinking she’s prettier and more accomplished 🥲#idk who to talk to about this that would care because it’s been a whole year I should be over it 😭😭😭😭😭 fuck man#like it’s too embarrassing to vent to my friends about at this point#I know no ones gonna post the bad parts on social media but they just look so ✨happy✨#and if I’m bein honest thy are probably more compatible anyway but wow he could have just left me tf alone#and not made me have to feel this way about myself like I’m not good enough or something#thoughts
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never trust how you feel after 9 pm.
#I really need to stop talking to my parents about my feelings late at night because I just become a sobbing mess and say mean things#like they don’t care about how I feel and telling them to do something impossible like tell me something that even I don’t know what I need#to hear or whatever idk man I’m just feeling too emotional for shit like that#I wish I had a better grasp of my life but I feel so lost and dependent on trivial things which I really shouldn’t be#my mom keeps nagging me about math and I want to get back to it and have. A Plan in place for when I get back to it but I can’t make myself#when they’re around because I feel self-conscious about it ig?? Like doing math hw is something that needs to be done in private because I’#embarrassed about it or smth?? Gods that’s embarrassing in and of itself why am I embarrassed to do math in front of my fucking parents#I literally only have geometry left for the initial stuff then I gotta do the actual homework like proctored tests and stuff so why tf is i#so fucking hard to get back to it?? I even enjoy geometry! Why can’t I get back to it?? I feel like a failure for not being able to#Get myself to do something as simple and basic as motherfucking math homework#Idk I’m just feeling really angry at myself about this#dunno what the root emotion is for the anger but it’s probably shame or smth#If you made it through all these tags… good job ig? Don’t feel obligated to cheer me up or anything this is just a rant and vent#But if you do want to do something uhhhh send me a nice message or drawing prompt?? Maybe??#I’m getting into persona (only 3 and 5 so far tho) and kinda want to draw those characters more so those and also obviously#ace attorney and yugioh and kh and Mario rpgs and really anything I’ve talked about recently#vent
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My extremely personal red flag is if you’ve never lived independently.
Do not open tags it’s just a personal vent and I hit the tag limit (30) and that’s never happened to me before ajskdlf
#like not even having to live alone I think living with roommates gets a similar enough experience#and this is a vague blog but not for someone on this site (of course)#plus it is entirely founded on deep jealousy but like#but like man. I don’t wanna live with you if you’ve never had to maintain your own life before! bc it’s not a magic thing that happens#I’ve been ‘on my own’ for years at this point and I still struggle to keep my shit intact. maybe ur just That Good but tbh#I don’t wanna live with That attitude either!#idk man. like. it’s food. it’s dishes. keeping the floors clean. the bathroom clean. making sure you don’t run out of groceries or toiletry#it’s having a schedule of events around you. it’s being able to get places around you. it’s doing shit on ur own without friends#and again. I’m being unduly harsh. lord knows they’re better with their finances than me and that I had a spoiled ass childhood#the kind that spills into adulthood the way I refused to change my own car battery#I get that most of these things are there bc there’s limited space and they wanna care for their family and have a nest egg before moving#and it’s impossible to be mad at them for that bc it makes too much sense to do it. I’d do it if I got along better with my parents#idk. I feel like a shithead for not prioritizing them over other things in my life and it makes me defensive#bc I have to keep my life on track myself and at times it feels like they don’t#and I got frustrated bc I was late to a meetup bc I had to cook dinner and their mom brings them dinner every other day#and again. I get it. god knows I get it. but I also feel frustrated#I’d been considering a trip where we could see a national landmark but we’d have to drive two hours one way. and they’re anxious driving#and like. one time their friends car was shitting itself but that friend still ended up driving. come on dude#it is spoiled kid syndrome and my personal hamartia and I could be infinitely more understanding but#I cannot fathom not going somewhere bc I’m scared. if I want it that bad I figure it out. and sometimes it’s miserable but it’s done#and I cannot see a world where I live with someone too nervous to do things themself#urgh. I think they got into a bad wreck once when they were driving. idk. they mentioned it once in passing but I remembered them mentioning#I feel like a boomer haha.#what’s the plan for the rest of ur life? it has to be finding someone who will take on these for you#maybe not. maybe they’ll actually grow and find ways to be a person by themself but uh. depending on a person changing is bad business#I’m probably just a tightass. I couldn’t handle a roommate on account of being a huge control freak anyway lol#it’s unrelated but I’m sure I feel bad bc their other close friend (car shitting friend) is really good about this kind of stuff#driving them around covered food payments plus gifts vacations etc#hard not to feel like if I were more magnanimous this wouldn’t be a problem. but I’m not#and I shouldn’t feel bad about it but I do? bc friend b is a total star and I’m like. normal lol
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***
#man this isnt the worst i’ve ever felt or the loneliest i’ve ever been or the most scared i’ve been#but this is the loneliest i’ve felt in ten years and everything else has just stacked higher and higher into mountains of shit#and i’ve gotten better at handling it. a lot fucking better. but this is so fucking hard without the support that i intricately weaved and#maintained for the sake of my own fucking survival. but i got too comfortable and#idk im just scared of what comes next. i feel like i’ve burned everything that could’ve been anything and so now I just hope I can find#something new that I hope I fucking won’t destroy. idk i don’t think i’m the one destroying these relationships though. i know i’m#destroying myself and my own life but i dont think the relationships were my fault dude. i’ll go to the fucking moon and back for someone#i care about. i just can’t do that for myself. but i try and i try and i try for the people i love. and it seems like it doesn’t do shit.#i have no control. i dont even need control but i need to be a part of the fucking equation. i can’t just be a punching bag for fucks sake.#but it’s too much the second i’m anything but.#thank fucking goodness for the friends that i can really rely upon…god i just wish there were someone in the right time and place to help me#fuck. ugh whatever man. i just need to fix my shit and live my own life. this isnt the loneliest i’ve ever been and i can’t use friends as#a crutch#okay im done now. dont read this btw im really weird rn and just needed to type
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I am baking cake at midnight and it is going to kill me <3
#it’s just gone in the oven which means at least 25 minutes and probably more like 45 bc I made a Lot#am also kiiiinda winging the recipe so my expectations are on the floor#this is. for a bake sale. pray for me#I’m gonna make the icing tonight and leave it in the fridge overnight I think for tomorrow morning#this has gone wrong at every available opportunity it was 100% not worth it#however! given the prices my friend wants to sell this at i May have turned this into like over £100 which isn’t bad#TWO CAKES. WHY AM I MAKING TWO CAKES#I’m procrastinating washing up the stuff I used to make the batter (hell) bc itssosososo messy and I just wanna shout abt stuff#primarily that I am once again so upset that I only get one more week of ice hockey before summer#there are two parts to this feeling: 1. I love ice hockey I’ve been having such a good time this past week while I’ve not had to stress#abt anything else. 2. gay. gay gay homosexual gay#like okay I’ve been worried abt whether this is an actual crush or I just convinced myself I like him bc pretty+queer#(because of course I can worry abt that). BUT yeah sorry no can confirm I like this dumb fuck this is so unfair#we talked a BUNCH last night and he’s just really cool.#ohhhh fuck I don’t think the oven was properly preheated bc I opened it for a while to fit the two tins in. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯#anyway!! he’s really fun to talk to someone help like if he does turn out to be single I could in THEORY text him over summer. maybe.#his birthday will be coming up and my friend suggested that. I’m being insane but oh my god this is torture#I ALSO watched the newest dr who episode today and that did NOT HELP. one of the first things in a while that have given me like#this same specific feeling when I get into gay romantic media. the ‘reading gay shit on wattpad at age 14 feeling’ if you will#where there’s like this weight in the pit of my stomach. it’s NICE that doesn’t sound good but it is#is this what straight people get with romance all the time. I know I just don’t watch/read much anymore but also#there’s straight romance in literally everything so.#but yeah basically I need another month of fuck around time minimum when everyone’s in this city so I can get my shit together#ALSO. I ONLY HAVE A YEAR LEFT HERE. THATS TERRIFYING. a year is a long time but it’s also not this one disappeared and this is like.#WAY too early to even consider that but he’s gonna be here probably for a year after I leave and that could suck if anything does happen.#I guess in theory I’m taking a year before phd probably so I could work here. idk man anyway that one is actually insane of me I’m just gay#boy 😔. they shouldn’t be allowed to do this#on Wednesday he’ll be done with exams and so will my other friend who knows him well. so I will be able to 1. subtly see w her if girlfriend#2. potentially. MAYBE ask what she thinks I’m just trying to decide whether that’s too much to put on her. I think I’m being insane there#luke.txt
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