#but like this episode is definitely next level denial

[gabs-magical-abs]

I don't think I will ever be over The Quest. Halfway through Season 2 and Gabrielle's all like "I wish I had told Xena that I love her when she was alive." AND THEN XENA POSSESSES A DUDE SO THAT THEY CAN KISS (and get past the censors)

Like this was 1996. Incredible. 10/10 no notes best show ever

[h2ojustaddmako]

Headcanon: Why Will and Bella's relationship felt so fake

Will & Bella's relationship is a controversial one for a lot of reasons, and for a while I couldn't really put my finger on it, and I don't think many people can too. It lacks chemistry, for sure - but it often feels neglectful, dishonest, and harming to both parties. I was chatting over this with @devisrina when finally it hit me.

You see, as a gay man, I always found some reflection in Will's character. He was this quiet, loner boy, he liked spending time with the cool, interesting girls, and he never really bonded with any male character (he's friendly with Lewis, but I'd never imagine them hanging out). He definitely has a complex with strong female characters like Sophie and Rikki, where he quite literally adores them, and I think with Bella it was quite similar.

I think Bella started out as his fascination; she was a gorgeous, gorgeous girl, and she seemed mysterious in a way he HAD to find out. He never had a crush on her, it was more this unharmful obsession. He quickly tied her to his obsession with Mako, and she became just another pawn in his game. She was much more open or easy to get to than either Cleo or Rikki, so him choosing her was natural. As I said, he never liked her romantically.

Bella, on the other hand, had a sweet teen crush from the beginning. Of course, he's good looking, but what she liked the most was the fact he's not like other guys; he didn't care about her body or partying, he wasn't the archetypal teen boy, she even says it straight to his face. But she's confused, as Will never seems to recuperate her feelings for him. Sure, he gives her plenty of attention, but that attention leaves her confused as it's never clearly romantic. She keeps going back and forth between trying to get close to him, to accepting it's not gonna happen and he doesn't care about her that way. Poor baby girl.

Then came a turning point. Will finds out Bella's a mermaid. Suddenly, his interest in her specifically skyrocketed, and all he wanted was to spend time with her. You know how some gay men are obsessed with female musicians or whatever? They appear so iconic and cool to them, they want to be them? Or at least, constantly be around them. I think it was like that. Bella was already gorgeous and talented as fuck, with heaps of confidence he could only dream of, and now, she was also a fucking mythical being that can dive forever and explore the oceans gracefully. There's nothing closer to a dream coming true for Will. For Bella, it was a confusing time; as Will started to get closer, she took it as a chance to take things to the next level. Will too was confused - why does he feel all these feelings towards a girl?

You see, deep down, Will knows he's gay. He's been into men ever since he remembers himself. But he's in the tender age of doubting yourself, so when he starts caring so much about a girl, and getting this feeling of constantly wanting to be around her, he mistakes it for love. Will starts questioning whether he might be bisexual after all.

We get a clue about it in the show. Bella starts suspecting that Will only loves the mermaid in her, and not her, which is 100% the case, but Will was still in his denial stage, so they kept going after that. The Beach Party episode, was peak delulu for Will, because, being put on the spot, he had to admit out loud something he wasn't sure of himself, but was boiling inside him for months now. That led to the most inauthentic relationship ever put to screens where Bella thinks he finally loves her, and Will decides to give it a chance before realising it's not really what he wants.

I don't think they lasted much past the end of season 3. I feel bad for Bella for going through it, mostly for all the time she's been in the dark, thinking it was something wrong with her, or just truly being disappointed about how long it all took.

At the end of the day, Will comes out as gay and Bella moves on to date with a guy who really likes her for who she is, and has all those qualities she's looking for in a guy, now also including an attraction to women.

The end

P.s. i do think they were pretty good friends during the middle of the season when it was all blurry for both of them, and that connection was genuine but ever so often shrouded in weird romantic fog that was unclear to neither of them and kept this friendship from reaching its full potential. Will gave her the special attention she wanted, while Bella understood him and was great at listening and giving advice. That made them a good combo, just not romantically.

[moonflowerfourever]

BakuDeku SFW Alphabets✨(Part 1)

Before I start, here's a warning. I'm not up to date with the manga or the anime, I left off after the apology episode because I didn't have the time to watch the series. So this may not be accurate. Please forgive me if I make some mistakes. Now, without further ado, let's gooo!

A = Affection (How affectionate are they? How do they show affection?)

They show affection in a way that's sweet and at the same time confusing. The people who know the duo realise how affectionate they are, but those who don't know them may not even realise that they show affection through their own weird ways. For example, Katsuki says, "If you get hurt, I'll rip your insides out." Many people view this as an outlet for Katsuki's violent personality, but Izuku and Katsuki's close friends know what it really means, "Don't get hurt, I'll be worried and mad if you do." Izuku is a bit more straightforward though. His way of showing affection is through praises for the blonde, who claims to dislike it, but deep down, Katsuki feels comforted hearing Izuku's compliments. Katsuki shows affection mostly through his actions, but there are times when Izuku needs verbal confirmation. During those times, Katsuki can unknowingly say the most beautiful words anyone can say to their lover. It makes Izuku weak in his knees.

B = Best friend (What would they be like as a best friend? How would the friendship start?)

We already know how they were as kids. So close, definitely best friends, until the quirks started to appear. Now, they'll still be best friends, but with a deeper understanding of each other. As best friends, they'd be the type who understand each other without any words. Just a few looks, and boom! They know how the other is feeling, what they're gonna do next, and how to comfort them if they are feeling down. They'd be the uncanny best friends trope like no one expected them to be best friends, but when they are, people would wonder why they didn't realise that these two would be besties. They can be devilishly cooperative too, and could probably prank the entire class, teachers included, if they wanted to.

C = Cuddles (Do they like to cuddle? How would they cuddle?)

Yes, of course, they like to cuddle, why would you think otherwise? Izuku and Katsuki stay in the same apartment, so mostly, Izuku sleeps in Katsuki's room, and he wakes up along with Katsuki for their morning run. Izuku also visits Katsuki when he has nightmares, a habit that stuck from his childhood. Normally, Katsuki is the big spoon, and Izuku typically falls asleep contently in the warmth Katsuki radiates like a furnace. Katsuki buries his head into Izuku's hair or just rests his head on Izuku's and falls asleep like that. Sleepy morning cuddles are probably the favourite part of their day.

D = Domestic (Do they want to settle down? How are they at cooking and cleaning?)

They do have hero work, and that means less time to do literally anything else. But if they do like the idea of settling down, which was the reason they bought the same apartment. No matter how much Katsuki snarls and hisses his denial, he likes waking up to Izuku. Izuku likes living with Katsuki as well because they can have all the privacy in the world, something that the UA dorms didn't offer. Katsuki is amazing at cooking, and mostly, he cooks dinner for both of them. Izuku can't cook for the life of him, so he does the cleaning and laundry.

E = Ending (If they had to break up with their partner, how would they do it?)

Izuku would be soft and understanding about it. He'll state why their relationship wouldn't work out and he'll be sad and sorry for it. Katsuki would be a bit rougher, not because he wants to, but because he doesn't know how to say it in a way that wouldn't hurt his partner. But, Izuku and Katsuki have reached the level in their relationship that they would never break up, because their love is just too strong. They always find a way, with creativity and determination.

F = Fiance(e) (How do they feel about commitment? How quick would they want to get married?)

Katsuki used to think commitment was a waste of time. Why dote on a lover when he could be training instead? But after he got together with Izuku, he slowly let go of that way of thinking. They both want to get married only after they become well-known Pro Heroes. It poses its own problems, with media and press and all, but Katsuki would gladly kiss Izuku in front of the entire country if it meant he could show that he was the boyfriend of the most adorable badass mf in the world. And the thing is, Izuku would let him do it. But they're already kind of married anyway, what with living together and taking care of each other.

G = Gentle (How gentle are they, both physically and emotionally?)

Very gentle. Super harsh if they get into an actual fight with each other, but they mostly resolve things with discussions, something they learnt painfully, after their estranged childhood. Izuku is understanding, and Katsuki strives to learn how to be caring from him. They're gentle, but in a way only they understand. Soft smiles from Katsuki and kind words from Izuku are their iconic thing. Both of them are gentle in their own way, both physically and emotionally.

[bengiyo]

HIStory 5: Love in the Future Ep 9 (MDL 17-18) Stray Thoughts

We're nearing the end. Last episode, Lin Wynn and Vincent Liang continued to be frustrating to watch for me since I believe in Vincent. I liked all of the suits. Bo-wei moved in with Hai Yi, who also caught COVID. There were some lovely domestic moments all around.

I like how Bo-wei and Hai Yi have little experience making decisions at this level, but they're being cute about it.

I'm glad we never seem to forget that Bo-wei wants to check on his grandmother. Though, I feel like he's been in denial about the possibility that she's passed away.

The whole plotline with the summoner is so weird. I really don't know how to read these interactions.

Curious where this first-time-gay-sex plotline goes, because Hai Yi doesn't seem to recognize Bo-wei's nervousness around it.

Suddenly bonus gays.

Nevermind. It's incest gays. I'm just going to read them as an age gap romance only.

Okay, it looks like they're actually just an age gap.

Hai Yi and Bo-wei never communicating effectively hasn't really amused me at all. He should just tell him that he might go home.

"We can only comfort each other?" Lin Wynn x Dai Johnny in the 11th hour???

I don't like fake emergencies.

Wei Se-Mo definitely volunteered to help drive this woman away.

I'm not surprised Se-Mo doesn't believe Johnny. It's not something I would really believe either.

I'm still not over these folks being this loyal to essentially Target.

Honestly what does Wu do except talk shit?

I'll be so relieved when this is over next week. Why is the History franchise always so difficult?

[certainsadspongebobpics]

Why the episode “Gone” will never appear on this blog.

I have no way to post the entire episode on tumblr. Plain and simple. Its an okay episode. Certainly not the worst, not by a mile, but it is.. very dark if you look below the cartoony surface, and you certainly dont have to look deep. If you gave up on the show after season 5, let me fill you in. The episode is simply about Spongebob waking up to find everyone in bikini bottom gone. At the end of the episode, they come back and explain they were “gone” because of national “No Spongebob” day. Horrible premise right? Very cruel. Well it gets worse. They weren’t gone for a day. They were gone for weeks. A month. The episode doesn’t make it clear on how long, we’re just given “weeks.” Seems rather trivial, but take the time to imagine how just one week would feel to you. Spongebob had no human contact during those “weeks.” They didn’t leave a note, or any sign that they were alive and okay. Nothing. You on some level, are social, even if you dont have many friends. Even if you don’t have any friends. Theres a possibility that you have neighbors, or coworkers, or classmates or teachers, or online friends, or SOMEONE to interact with during the day at least once. You will at least bump into someone or be contacted by someone in your day to day routine. Spongebob is social too, very social, and very welcoming. We’re shown in the episode his routine, and just how many people he interacts with. He feeds his snail, he annoys Squidward, says hello to Patrick and interacts with customers at the krusty krab. ...Now they’re not there. I think we’re suppose to inference that Spongebob is just stupid and doesn’t notice everyone’s gone. But I say he isn’t. Spongebob may be dumb, but he is also very loving in the platonic and familial sense. Don’t let the later seasons cloud your judgement. Think back to “Have you seen this snail.” Spongebob forgot to feed Gary for a while while taking the dirty bubble challenge. He simply lost track of time. After he realizes Gary’s gone? He goes on a massive search. He puts up missing snail posters, asks people, searches the entire town for him and even puts up a bill board. ....What caused him to do all of this? When Gary did not come to eat. He most DEFINITELY could have seen that something was wrong. He even searches the whole house for him, to no avail. Still... there is the possibility that Gary could have gotten an early start. Sames to Squidward. Squidward always yells at Spongebob, he can’t really help himself. He wouldn’t have just rolled over and ignored him. This is where you start to get the inkling that something is wrong. Then he goes over to Patrick’s house, and tries to wake him up. Patrick.. of course, does not respond. Spongebob is not showing any signs of distress. He even walks through the empty streets and hops over an upside down boat. I’d like to think that this is Spongebob in a sort of denial phase. Think about what you would do if you woke up and everyone around you was gone. Would you search for them? Would you continue your routine in the hopes that they’d all show up? Would you go to work/school and start working, just in case? Spongebob does grill patties, just in case. But nobody’s there to eat them. Still.. its a slow day, right? Mr krabs doesn’t respond to him saying good bye, but maybe he’s just been busy in his office all day? Spongebob just starts to freak out when he sees Gary hasn’t eaten his food. That brings him right to the reality he’s living in. He starts doing all of these things to confirm that his friends are gone, and he realizes that its not just one or two, not just Gary or squidward, It’s ALL of them. Every single person both in his innercircle and out. At the end he shouts “WHERE DID EVERYBODY GOOOOOO” It echoes, emphasizes the emptiness. We move onto the next part, where it starts to get slightly unsettling. We’re not into full weirdness mode yet, but we’re getting there. Spongebob.. starts imitating all of the people he knew in their lives. He’s acting them out. He is, as he puts it, “Living out their lives for them.” He plays both himself, and them in these situations, and he is definitely aware of their thoughts and feelings on him, there or not. I would like to believe that this is some form of bargaining, both to keep his routine, and by having a form of connection to them. In the end.. it doesn’t work. He breaks down because he wants them, not his version of them. Theres only so much one sponge can do. Now this.. is the darkest part of the episode. He does grant himself a drivers license, after all, nobody’s there to stop him. And he does drive recklessly, after all, theres no pedestrians to hit. He crashes the boat into his house, after all, theres nobody to yell at him for it. He starts talking and forming a relationship with the boat. The boat of course, does not talk back.He even wakes up with the boat in his bed and says “I guess its just you and me now boaty.”  He showers with the boat, eats breakfast with it, does a whole bunch of other stuff, and then takes it to his place of work. After all, Mr krabs isn’t there to yell at him to causing a big hole in the wall. He even throws a krabby patty into the engine in an attempt to have the boat try it. Of course.. the boat rejects it. Spongebob loves krabby patties. He practically worships them. He even cremates one in “Just one bite.” He would know it wouldn’t work with the boat, but theres nobody else there to eat his krabby patties so thats why he tries it. In the next scene, he mentions something particularly telling. “You know, I thought I’d go crazy without all my friends and acquaintances around, but it looks like you were all I needed to stay sane.” Boaty.. starts talking to him, but not in a human way, in an engine making noises way that Spongebob interprets. It.. starts accusing him of having a meat puppet of his old best friend, which is totally crazy right? Except it isn’t. Because thats exactly what Spongebob has. He has formed a puppet out of meat in the shape of Patrick and has hidden it away in the closet, and he starts talking to it. Remember, despite all of their conflicts, Spongebob and Patrick are best friends. They’re close. They’re even a part of the best friends forever club. It makes sense that Spongebob would talk to  Patrick, but since Patrick’s not here, this meat puppet will have to do. Of course he does nuts and starts distrusting the boat. After all, he can’t really trust anything in his reality anymore. In the final end, They all come back. The entire town. Spongebob says “You’re all still alive?” Meaning this entire time, there was a possibility in his mind that his friends and loved ones might not ever come back. The boat, the meat patrick, everything might have stayed that way his entire life. All of the people he knew might have been dead, and he wouldn’t have even known why or how. They come back, but why have they been gone for so long? National no Spongebob day. An entire day dedicated to getting away from Spongebob. Everyone participated in this. The entire town. You can’t tell me that at least one person was left behind, because we were very thoroughly shown that Spongebob searched the entire town, and all he could say was “Gone.” The worst part? In this particular episode, even Patrick, his best friend, partook in this abandonment. Now consider how you would feel if someone dedicated an entire holiday to getting away from you. Mr krabs of course, deflects the blame by saying “Its dedicated to you.” He conveniently leaves out the “Getting away” part. This doesn’t help when he says that they build a wooden replica of Spongebob and burn it and dance in the ashes. In the end, they start a “No Patrick” day, and everyone takes off without Patrick. I am not satisfied by this ending. 1. I’m guessing this is to give him a taste of his own medicine, but if you’re gonna do that, then EVERYONE needs a holiday where they get shunned. 2. Patrick knows where his loved ones have gone. He knows they’re alive and they have to come back eventually, something Spongebob wasn’t even given the pleasure of knowing. Overall, this episode is an exploration of loneliness, and how it can really drive someone who’s social to the extremes, just to feel something. In the end, we find out it isn’t just loneliness, its shunning, full on shunning. The idea hanging in the area of never knowing where your friends and acquaintances have gone, and never getting closure for that just lingers. Even as a kid, I remember watching this episode and feeling really odd and worried. Poor Spongebob.

[masseffectdoctor]

For anyone curious of the other moments, and I'll try to post links later but if I forget to don't like crucify me or something

1) Trans people being identified as "The Other" began awhile ago. It's been a VERY consisting but in recent memory in the mid to late 90's it became a much more talked about thing. Official legal based status was without denial reached when Texas made a list of trans people based on ID gender changes, and athlete nonsense.

2) Literally ask any trans person what gender they put on their job application. Bet you a lot of the times it's their AGAB, definitely so if they don't "pass". Driver's license debate, forceful push of internet culture to over ID yourself and loss of anonymity and privacy. Ambulance drivers not being required to help you if they don't agree with your existence.

3) Bill above. Not only that job interviews again. Trans athletes. Bathroom bills. Systematic injustice runs deep. Hire at will states are bad offenders of firing trans folks. It's openly hostile to work in a place as a trans person more often than not. See Ambulance drivers thing from above.

4) literally have been having them equated with animals a LONG time now. See south parks episode about transhumanism surgery, and transratialism surgery. It's shitty and bad.

5) Cops. Always cops. Also therapist requirements before HRT and Drivers License changes being enforced by DMV. ICE and DHS also enforce gender identification via travel.

6) Desantis? Trump? C'mon this one's self explanatory and has been to anyone paying half a lick of attention.

7) Stealing kids as mentioned above. Forceful assimilation at cost of kids health and wellbeing.

And I'd go so far as to say:

8) it isn't government level yet but trans people are murdered more than any other gender group iirc. ESPECIALLY black trans women. Also maybe it is government level because cops are fucking bastards.

We're eeking closer to 9 & 10. And just as a reminder for folks out there:

If wanting to protect trans people isn't enough reason for you to stop this shit now and stand up, then know that no matter who you are you're next.

I feel like US conservatives went from a 3/4 to 7 on transgender people over the course of a year and a half.

Basically, if this passes, the state Florida will take away your children if you are transgender or one of your children is transgender (as the bill notes it will take away cis children if they have a trans sibling).

Absolutely monstrous.

[skinny4summer24]

14/07/2024

Week I - Complete

SW: 187.1lbs

CW: 176.8lbs

Total Loss: 10.3lbs

So I hit well over my goal for week 1/6 of this liquid diet. Feeling proud of myself, I went to the gym 4/4 really proud of myself especially this morning I really did not want to go but forced myself and I actually enjoyed it, even pushed myself a bit more than usual.

I just need to remind myself that I can't see a 1+lb drop on the scale everyday, some days will be less but it's all about staying consistent and looking at the bigger goal and overall trend. Just the fact that I've stuck to this for 7/42 day is already 16.6% of the way to my goal.

I'm really trying to focus on the positives, having self love and building self discipline. I'm still failing in regards to getting an early start for university but I'm planning on starting that next week. I need to make a solid sustainable plan I can build on day by day. I also need to start drawing daily again. However, I need to give myself grace and remember I'm on a VLC diet and that means my energy levels are at rock bottom. It's really difficult finding a balance but I'm going to keep going 1 step at a time and just keep building and working on myself.

My face is already looking less round and my clothes aren't as tight anymore. I'm heading in the right direction and that's what I should focus on. Weirdly I'm losing my appetite sometimes and having to force myself to drink my protein or have my soup. Other times I'm ravenous and have to drink loads of coffee and water. It's weird however, I'm proud of myself for keeping my eye on the prize. It's just 6 weeks. Regardless of what I do they are going to pass anyways and I know for a fact I will regret not working on myself and looking like a better version of me for the events in September and the start of university.

It's really difficult trying to stay positive but still restricting. It's a weird space. I guess I'm kind of in denial that I have a problem however, after 8+ years of severe restriction on and off between my binge episodes I think I have a problem if my solution to fixing all my problems is always to starve myself... Anyways, I'm definitely not as drastic as I have been previously and have more freedom around food, fasting and exercise.

I'm already planning my steps to reverse diet after this liquid diet so that I don't just pile back on the weight. It is definitely scary to think about however, from experience I know that long term restriction is unsustainable. I am going to reverse diet for 6 weeks and maintain for 6 weeks befor dieting again but at a much less drastic deficit as I have until next May for my birthday to get down to my goal of 55kg.

Anyway, I've just got to keep focused on myself, try and avoid comparison and celebrate all of the steps to getting to my goal. They all get me one step closer instead of looking at how far the goal is. I'm trying to focus on the now and my current successes.

[dyed-red]

(1/2) May I please vent for a moment? I have a lot of very Sam feels lately, and I never really see much about this so maybe my POV is skewed. I rewatched the episode Unity (15.17), One of the points in the episode is that if Jack kills Chuck right then, everyone who has died and been brought back to life will be dead again. Dean says he doesn't care, let them all die. Sam asks "Even me?" and Dean doesn't answer, just repeats that Chuck must die. To me this is one of the most heartbreaking

2/2) scenes because we have 15 years of Dean doing anything to save Sam, even when Sam didn't want to be saved, and now when Sam has is good with their relationship and their definition of family and how they live their lives is when Dean doesn't care? Maybe it's just me but the look on Sam's face at that moment was absolutely devastated. Dean, now is when you don't put your brother and your relationship before everything??? Is it just me? OK, it's just me. Sorry for the long rant.

Oh darling you are always welcome to vent for any moments, especially with feels.

First off, that scene is fucking incredible. There is SO MUCH emotion in it. Devastating. And it's a sign of how good it is and how much emotion they brought to it that it has affected you so deeply, so bear that in mind.

But, because I abso-fucking-lutely love that scene and you gave me a perfect opportunity to geek out in way too much detail about it, let's take an extended look.

Dean is so angry. He hates Chuck. Hates him like he's hated possibly no one ever. I'm not sure he hates Lucifer as much as he hates Chuck, and that is truly saying something.

In the case of Lucifer, of literally anyone and anything else, even universe-ending threats like Amara, the priority was saving people, not killing the monster. Whatever was necessary, but not no matter the cost. The cost was born to save as many as could be (and later, to keep Sam as safe as could be). The ultimate was not death in and of itself, the point was salvation.

That's no longer the case here. The point is killing Chuck. Literally no matter the collateral damage, no matter the cost. This is a new level of desperation that we've never seen from Dean before, a new level of hatred.

(And it's coming from a place of intense powerlessness and violation, but more on that in a sec).

And right after Dean lays bare how truly deep that hatred runs, Sam asks that incredible, devastating, shocking line in response:

And Dean may not immediately have words at the ready, but his expression isn't a dismissal. He looks shocked that Sam could even ask, mouth forms an attempt at a scoff or denial or - or something. Something that, to me, clearly communicates 'no'. He looks hurt by Sam's question (which is important for contextualizing his next lines).

But interestingly enough, the scene cuts from there to Chuck and Amara, and the next spoken word is "Balance."

Chuck and Amara are siblings, and there is a parallel and foil happening between them versus Sam and Dean here, as there has been all season. Chuck absorbs Amara and subjugates her. He is still his toxic self, who wants all of the control and all of the power and is willing to destroy his sister, the only being in the entire universe who could be his equal, the only being in the entire multiverse and all creation who might be able to truly understand him.

And for what? Extra power? Maybe.

But maybe that's just what abusive people do -- they tear down your walls and take all of you, whatever they can get, and use and unmake you and destroy you, if given the opportunity. They remake you into their image, into what they want from you, so that you aren't allowed to exist with your own wants separate to what they want, and what they want for you.

That's what Chuck has just done with/to Amara. And there is no "balance" (no equality) to it.

Then we jump right back to Sam and Dean.

And I think you're reading that first line of Dean's as dismissing what Sam has just asked. Sam says "what about me?" and you said that Dean doesn't answer. And you're right, to a point, because hurt expression notwithstanding, he doesn't outright reply to Sam's explicit question.

But I'm not sure that that means he doesn't answer. Because you're also correct that Dean repeats, hurtles onward that Chuck has to die, that this has to happen. But I don't personally read it as a dismissal, and I do read it as Dean answering Sam's question, but maybe not in the way you think.

I read it as Dean protesting. I read it as him begging.

So let's go back over his reply one more time, with a close, if forgiving, reading:

Chuck has to die.

Dean's sentence is declarative, a statement of fact. It is necessary for Chuck to die. This is a need, a requirement.

He has to!

With the exclamation, the rise in his voice, and the repetition of the sentiment of the previous sentence (has to die), the declarative becomes more emotionally charged. It's not just that it is necessary for Chuck to die, it is necessary to Dean that Chuck die.

The emotion and repetition also make it clear, unlike a declarative, that this is not a certainty. "Earl had to die" is a calm declarative, a statement of necessity. Dean's emotional and repeated delivery moves this away from a statement, away from an agreed-upon certainty, and into something else. So what is it then, and where does he go next?

Otherwise he'll keep us tap dancing forever

Here, on the surface, Dean is providing reasons to back up his point that Chuck has to die. He's providing a counterfactual argument, what will happen if they don't kill Chuck, which is that they will never be free.

Looking deeper, Dean has shifted from the statement of Chuck's death as a necessity to a direct acknowledgement here that his death is not a certainty, by providing the "otherwise" case that acknowledges the potential for Chuck's continued survival.

Dean is also shifting the language over to 'us'. He's bringing Sam into this counterfactual argument. In doing so, it becomes clear that he is attempting to reason with Sam, to appeal to the consequences to Sam and to something that Sam (in Dean's eyes, at least, or else framing this argument this way would be pointless) should care about too.

and I can't live like that, man! I can't live like that!

Dean's words are now belying his desperation here. Not only has he acknowledged the possibility of Chuck not dying and the rational consequence he sees from that, but he is acknowledging the emotional consequence that will have for him, personally. This is something he cannot do. In repeating it, yelling it, he makes it a hard line of his. It is an impossibility, not an option. This is not tenable, to continue to live under Chuck, and for that reason, Chuck must die.

His logic has been laid out, now. He is asking Sam to join him in fighting Chuck, whose death Dean believes is necessary in order for them both (us) to live in an acceptable manner, otherwise he (Dean) cannot continue to live at all.

I won't!

Except, finally, acknowledgment that even that, even Dean's inability to live under Chuck, is not a material reality. Not a statement of cannot/is not, but rather it's a personal imperative. Won't, not can't. I choose not to. I refuse.

This couches his preceding sentences his a new light. This is his personal refusal, his personal feelings. Not a cold and rational reality or something which cannot be. It's not a foregone statement or necessity that Chuck die, it's Dean's need. His request.

And in the grander scheme of the emotion, the counterfactual of what it would mean to live under Chuck, the repeated necessity (repeated uncertainty) of Chuck dying, it lays bare that this is a plea. That Dean is begging his brother to join him in this. To stand by his side so that it is not trading Sam versus Chuck, but him and Sam standing together against Chuck and everything else in existence.

So, I read it as an implicit reply to Sam's question. "No, I would not trade you. Instead I'm demanding, no I am begging, that you stand by me so that we together can trade the rest of them. Because I refuse to live in this type of pain, and I hope this pain, these horrible consequences, are enough argument to convince you to join me."

-

Let's go back to that Chuck and Amara scene for a sec.

Their scene and Sam and Dean's are interspersed and keep cutting back and forth. Chuck is convincing Amara to carry out his plan, using words instead of violence, but doing so in a way that is manipulative, and for a decidedly selfish end. He wants to control and subsume her. That's the toxic and abusive outcome, with Chuck completely dominating and destroying his sister. His means aren't violent, but his desired ends absolutely are.

Meaning, the stand-off between Sam and Dean starts with violence. Dean, in his own right mind and not possessed or demonic or under any external influence, pulls a gun on Sam.

Sam is horrified, devastated. He immediately realizes the severity of how extreme this must be, for Dean to do this, something he's never done before, something that is in so many ways completely antithetical to who Dean is.

There is an altercation. Sam knocks the gun aside. Dean punches Sam. Dean's means are violent. The older brother, trying to convince and control his younger sibling to carry out his plan.

But Sam fights back.

Sam tells, demands that Dean listen. They argue.

THEY ARGUE.

Sam is not Amara. Rather than let himself be subsumed, he meets his brother where he is at, with violence, and holds him back. He meets Dean as an equal. And he outright demands with his body and with his words that Dean listen to him.

And Dean is not Chuck. Rather than wanting to control, subsume, or destroy Sam, Dean loves Sam as an equal. He loves Sam, period. His means are violent, but his ends, at least where Sam is concerned, are not, and have never been.

So when Sam demands Dean listen, Dean does. And that's when Dean begins to protest and plead.

But Sam continues to stand firm on his side, on what he knows is right. On what he learned from watching Dean -- about choices, about autonomy, about hope.

From the moment that Sam reminds Dean that they always have a choice, Dean has lost. The argument is over, and where Chuck and Amara have turned into something monstrous through their toxic consumption of one another, Sam and Dean have chosen a different path.

To be honest, Dean starts to lose even possibly before Sam reminds him of choices (of free will, the longest-standing theme of the entire show). It begins from the moment Dean turns his attention from urging Cas and Jack onward to acknowledging what Sam is saying, even if only to argue with it. The rest of it is his slow and aggrieved, desperate surrender. His pleas to Sam. Sam's pleas in return to him, which Dean allows (foregone by this point) to win him over.

From the moment Dean let Sam knock the gun aside, the rest of it is just the five stages of grief.

Denial: we don't have a choice. there's nothing else we can do.

Bargaining: I'd trade it all.

Anger: chuck has to die. he has to.

Depression: i can't live like that.

Acceptance:

So... while a dizzying and almost-ruinous moment that we get from Dean, I do have to disagree, nonnie. I don't think think that this moment is showing us that Dean doesn't care. I think it's showing us that he cares so much.

So much that he already knew he lost. That he was desperate and grieving and sad and doomed, so incredibly doomed, so that when Sam said "what about me?" Dean's reply wasn't a dismissal -- it was him begging his brother to understand, to sit with grace in the depth of Dean's despair. To join him.

And instead of letting Dean drag him into the same place of hopelessness, of helplessness, Sam does what they have always done for each other. He reaches his hand into the muck and grabs Dean's from where it is buried under so many layers of hurt, and he pulls him up again. He keeps his brother human.

[alifeofred]

Danny and Sam looks pt. 4

Finally, the moment we've all been waiting for.

The moment our ship became real.

Phantom Planet.

So say what you will about Phantom Planet, but I genuinely enjoyed it. The first half was a bit lacking, and sure Danny was being a colossal jerk. But we kinda knew where he was coming from.

More on THAT later because I have a whole other post for that analysis.

The show really kicks up after Danny's 'I don't give a fuck' montage. The moment Sam lays the smack down.

And She. Is. Pissed.

Danny is clueless, but he does let her in on what his reasons are. Aka, he wants to protect the people closest to him...especially her.

But she isn't listening. To her, Danny's given up.

But the show really kicks off from this point on. Not surprising considering this is one of the best bit of dialogue on the show. And it gets the point across.

Disasteroid strikes. Everyone is panicking. And Danny Fenton has a plan.

It takes all that he has to accomplish. And he nearly loses his life...again.

The thing about this scene is that everyone leaves as soon as Danny goes into leader mode, but she stays a moment longer because she knows THIS Danny as well. The one that risks his life to save others. So at odds with the devil may care Danny of a few days ago.

Plus the fire in his eyes.

So she concedes. And trouble starts for Danny. The ghosts are out for revenge and Danny is a neat punching bag.

Fear not though, Phantom is back and stronger than ever. Notice how the ghostly wail didn't even weaken him. He really has gotten powerful now.

And the moment wouldn't be complete without...

It's always been you.

Kinda seems like she's saying something else, amiright?

Moment interrupted, we have plans to execute. We'll have time for this later.

So when later comes. And it's time to go. He's not ready. And she is definitely not ready.

Which is why she pulls the classic...

Promise to bring it back.

With yourself. In case that wasn't obvious.

And he's stalling, because there are words he wants to say and none of them are adequate enough to convey just how much he...feels for her.

Notice the desperate longing on both their faces. My oh my.

She makes the first move. And he's taken aback.

But he makes his split second decision. There may be a mountain of words left unsaid between them, but he'll be damned if he doesn't at least convey one small bit of it. Considering the imminent suicide mission that is.

This. Shot. Ruined. Me.

He...and she...and they! Like, what? Look at him! Looking at her! Because she feels lost. And she might be thinking that maybe I pushed him away with being so forward, it is Danny she's dealing with. The king of denial, next to her highness.

But then!

The soft way he holds her chin. So in contrast with her kiss with that douchenugget Gregor/Elliot.

Danny's just...staring her and she's...still lost. But so is he. And then he just!

IT HAPPENED!

The-th-the way he's framing her face with his hands. Holding her. It's just so darn tender.

And it was this moment that I realized I ain't ever getting a Danny of my own. Ever. Sad.

Ending this segment with the after moment.

Notice the sad boy, sad girl faces just blossom into similar grins. Not to mention...he's leaning his forehead...against hers. And it's...too much!

Or not enough.

We were robbed of a season 4 where we would've seen these two be together on a more universal level and they would've worked out so perfectly and Tucker would've been sick of it, and them. The amount of jokes he would unleash on these two.

And they would've remained blissfully in love.

Is it just me or would we have seen a more territorial side to Sam had the series continued? Just imagine someone flirting with Danny and Sam just...pulls the claws out.

Not to mention, Danny himself would've had the ghostly green eyes out every time someone made a come on at Sam.

We were robbed!

And I've run out of picture limit. So onto the next and final part of looks, that will feature so many other looks from so many other episodes.

So onto part 5.

[norahastuff]

Damn that was a good episode. To me it’s felt like there’s been this great sense of dread hanging over this last stretch of episodes, and in an odd way it’s almost a relief to have it brought to the forefront like this.

I think many of us knew that following Billie’s plan was not going to work out. She’s just another cosmic being, a greater power and thus her priorities were always going to lie elsewhere. Chuck’s motivated by the desire for power and by his ego and narcissism. For Billie it’s about rules and order. They see humanity as inconsequential or perhaps in Billie’s case, an afterthought. Hence why following her plan was never going to work. The importance of humanity - the idea that each human matters and is worth something - as well as free will are the two main themes this show is built on. It will take someone who loves humanity and values free will to be able to fix this.

We’ve known that Chuck’s been orchestrating things, but I found it interesting to see how exactly he’d been doing that. This season has put a lot of focus on Dean’s anger. Dean had it drilled into him since he was a child that he was not allowed to be weak, that he had to be the strong one. This resulted in him gravitating towards other unhealthy coping mechanisms in order to survive, and when whiskey and denial weren’t enough, he used anger. He cloaked his fear, sadness and confusion under layers of rage because he didn’t know how else to confront these feelings.

Chuck knows this about Dean, but he also has a very surface level read on Dean and who he really is. Sure he can use Dean’s anger to manipulate him, but that’s not all Dean is. We’ve seen from his tearful prayer to Cas earlier this season:

“I don't know why I get so angry. I just know…I know that it’s- it's just always been there. And when things go bad, it just…it comes out. And I can't -I can't stop it. No matter how - how bad I want to, I just can't stop it.”

Underneath the anger, there’s pain and vulnerability, and when Dean allows himself to feel those things and be honest with himself that’s something Chuck doesn’t really understand, and that’s when Dean becomes unpredictable. Chuck’s relying on the versions of his characters that he created, not really getting that they go deeper than that now.

The ultimate example of this is Cas. Cas seemed to exist around the periphery this week, but honestly that’s exactly what I would have expected in an episode that was about the main characters in Chuck’s book. Cas wasn’t supposed to play a major role in any of this. Sam and Dean were. Amara was. Jack had the biggest role of all, but Cas wasn’t supposed to be in this story, and Chuck once again confirms he was never supposed to be in any of the stories.

Cas defecting was the one wild card that led to all the dominoes falling back in season 4 (ok yes I’m mixing metaphors but you get my point.) That made him an interesting toy for a while. Wind him up and watch him go. I found Chuck repeating Cas’ greatest one liner hilarious. He had such contempt in his voice and I think he was partly annoyed he could never write a line as epic as the one Cas effortlessly came up with. Actually Michael mocked that line last season too, both him and Chuck doing their best impressions of Cat’ gravelly delivery of “I’m the one who gripped you tight and raised you from perdition.”

I have no evidence to support this other than how irritated Chuck seemed by that line and also his famously bad writing skills. I also maintain that Chuck had no part whatsoever in crafting the magnificent “Hey assbutt!”

Cas was definitely not supposed to be in that part of the story.

But Cas no longer interests Chuck. He doesn’t fit into the story he wants to tell and so Chuck believes he has no place in it. And you know what? He’s right. Cas doesn’t fit into this story because he exists outside of it. His choices were his own. That gave him a power that no one else really had, and I think Cas has felt the weight of this for a long time. He knows what it’s like to have no free will, he lived that way for eons, and he also knows what breaking out of that feels like. His unfamiliarity with free will and how to navigate such a complicated concept led to him making choices he’s never been able to forgive himself for. It’s made him feel profound pain, guilt and confusion about his place in the world, if he even has one.

And yet as he’s told us over and over again, he wouldn’t take that back for anything.

“What would you rather have? Peace or freedom?”

We know what Cas would choose. What he continues to choose. He told Dean at the beginning of the season that he knew what was real “we are.” I don’t know if it was wise for Chuck to confirm just how right Cas actually was about that. Cas has spent this whole season thinking he had no role, no importance in the grand plan, but as he now learns, he’s had no place in any of the fights…and yet he’s never let that stop him before.

As a sidenote, I’m not saying much about this because I’m curious about whether the show will address this properly next week but I wonder how this affects Dean’s view of Cas. I don’t think Dean fully believed him earlier this season when Cas reassured him that they were real. As much as he loves and cares for Cas, Dean has always felt insecure about his place in Cas’ life and what he means to him.

So when Dean discovered that he had in fact just been a hamster in wheel being controlled by Chuck, it’s not too much of a surprise that he would start to question his relationship with the angel who literally fell from heaven and into his life. Although I know after their purgatory getaway, they were in a much better place, I think there was still a part of Dean that didn’t fully trust that the feelings were real. There has been so much mess and pain in the past with Cas, how is he to know how much of that was Chuck trying to create drama and how much of it was Cas’ own choices? Well now he knows. It all was. Every time Cas chose him over anything (or anyone) else, it was real.

This episode raised a lot of questions about Cas. Now I just have to try sit patiently and hope next week will answer some of them.

[afishlearningpoetry]

Hi! I've loved Sherlock since 2012 but I'm new in the Johnlock fandom. Your meta is one of my favorite! I totally agree that S4 is John's story/blog/alibi etc, but I wanted to ask you: if this time Sherlock is working with John to take Mary down, why is John jealous? How can he think Sherlock has feelings for her, if Sherlock wants her dead? Also: how do you think John faked his suicide? Is there a body? Maybe it's David's? I really hope it is all John's plan! It would be so smart and badass.

Hi, thank you so much.

It's funny you ask that first question because this (John's enduring jealousy) is a thing that was established the series 3 finale in 2014, and the particular scene in which it culminates is so convincing that it's not an exaggeration to say that currently almost no one knows what actually happened in it, which is in large part due to how manipulative Sherlock acts to John in the latter half of that episode, and also how people believe Mary's stated intentions (especially after her death, which was supposed to make her look like a saint, which definitely worked on viewers) and and underestimate John's intelligence.

Just to recap for anyone else: John's jealousy is conceived when Sherlock and John enter Magnussen's office and Sherlock deduces that the smell of perfume is Claire de Lune, which is the perfume Mary uses. This also comes right after the scene outside the elevator to his office, where Sherlock manipulates Janine into letting them in. John says, "But Sherlock, she loves you," and Sherlock says, "Yes, as I said –– human error," as John looks on, terrified. Later in the episode, John confronts Mary and says that the first thing Sherlock said when he woke up was her name. When Sherlock disappears from the hospital after being shot, in part because he doesn't want to be questioned by the police after who shot him, because he's trying to protect Mary to protect John, Lestrade asks John why he would disappear, and who he would be protecting from whatever happened in Magnussen's office. John asks the same thing, and then looks at Mary's perfume, which is sitting on the table next to him (he doesn’t even consider Sherlock is protecting him). To summarize, he assumes Sherlock is protecting Mary because he secretly loves her and that they had an affair, which in his mind is only confirmed later in the episode when John learns Mary was (is) an assassin, because John draws a correlation between him assuming Sherlock loved Irene and now Mary, to Sherlock being a sociopath and only being able to care about other sociopaths who enable him, which also means he could never love John. He says during the loft scene where they treat Mary as a client, “You two should have gotten married.” There's some comfort in the idea that Sherlock isn't capable of love to begin with, it's another thing to see this. (Something cool about its shape is it's echoed in Mary's wedding earrings, which are hearts with a hole in them, as well as the coin she shoots; "I will burn the heart out of you.")

So there are a couple explanations why John would still be jealous, even after him and Sherlock team up to stop her. The most simple is that it doesn't even matter to John that he's trying to kill her now, because he's convinced he's a sociopath for the majority of series 4, so he doesn't have any lingering feelings about turning against her now because he doesn't care about other people in that way. John isn't jealous to the extent that he wants whatever their relationship was (at least consciously -- there's a lot to talk about how he makes his subconscious insert of Eurus into a brazenly over the top sociopath that Sherlock has to learn how to love, but even then, John still locks himself into a sibling relationship where he's caged up and they can only see each other when there's glass between them to stop him from attacking him), so much as that there was any initial love/connection or sexual affair between them. Throughout TST, Sherlock follows a trail of breadcrumbs he thinks will lead him to Moriarty, but actually leads him to Mary, so the real events of that episode involved him realizing the two of them are working together (if he didn't already realize this at the end of TAB -- there's debate whether he is or if it's still subconscious, but either way he's right on the edge).

So John wants to stop Moriarty, or Mary for working for him (she's working with him, but they wouldn't know this yet, because it's being saved for the series 5 reveal), which compounds his anger at her betrayal, but he doesn't know that right away. He already has enough motivation before that because he still thinks they had an affair. Sherlock doesn't have sex with Janine, but John thinks he did. John doesn't even understand what that kind of relationship would be like, if there are any emotional feelings involved, which is why he asks, "So how does it work, you and the woman?" at the end of TLD. His jealousy is also magnified by the idea that he fell for a sociopath in Sherlock, so a lot of it is just swelling self-hatred that John can't escape, that keeps growing and growing until he's choking on it by series 4, so it still doesn't matter Sherlock is trying to kill her now. In the teaser for series 4 they were both drowning.

If anything, their covert mission being focused around her means that John probably can't stop thinking about it. If Sherlock loved her then he could he do this now?

Then he looks at himself, and he starts thinking about how whether or not he ever loved Mary to begin with, and then he thinks about how Mary was supposed to be different, and oh John actually fell for a sociopath for a second time just like Sherlock, so is he any different? Of course he should know that he is, even if he's wrong about Sherlock, but then he starts thinking about how his love for Sherlock actually makes him a monster, and that his love for him isn't real either because it could never be the same thing as him loving a woman, or maybe he could never love anyone to begin with, not really, and that maybe John himself isn't real either, maybe he isn't even a real person, or a person who should stick around at all. But no no no, first he has to stop Mary. He has to stay around to stop Mary. His goal for the first two episodes of series 4 isn't about trying to fuck Sherlock anymore, it's all about stopping her.

Of course we know that he can't stop thinking about it, because not only does he write Mary and Sherlock having a perfect relationship that doesn't exist where John is considered more worthless than a dog (calling back to Moriarty calling John Sherlock's pet by the pool in TGG), the cheating subplot established two episodes ago (and clarified by Sherlock in TAB, which is another explanation, but he isn't even aware that John thinks they had an affair), isn't addressed at all, even on the surface text/blog level in series 4. It's just dropped completely, which went over the heads of most viewers watching because they didn't even pick up on or remember it from before (fitting because it's not mentioned in John's blogs in series 3 to begin with iirc). John does this to absolve both himself and Sherlock, because there's no way he could resolve it without offering motivations for either Sherlock or himself to kill her. He finds ways to sublimate it though, because he has to make them flawed so it's a believable event. So to answer: John's jealousy is a huge, invisible, growing monster sitting at the heart of series 4 and everything that happens in it. It's largely irrational and trying to ask him why he would even think any of this would just make him retreat further into denial of the truth: that Sherlock loves him, which he's deeply afraid of.

When Sherlock manipulates John into thinking that Mary shot him non-fatally in order to cover for herself while saving his life, he's lying, because he literally died lmao. But he decides not to let John in on the secret, which is a huge mistake, and John can see through what he's doing and that Sherlock is using him, but he plays along in order to take Mary down. Sherlock underestimates John, so it's only fitting that Sherlock underestimates John again when he fakes his suicide, because John doesn't let Sherlock in on his secret, in part so he can know what he felt during and after the fall, because all of this is about the fall (and John tries to communicate with Sherlock while Mary is manipulating him, as we see at the end of TST with John’s note that is also dropped from the plot completely) (Sherlock does let John in on their plot to stop Mary sometime after the loft scene, but by that time John's already operating on his own to some degree, because Sherlock still isn't letting him in on the biggest secret of all that would explain everything to John). So because John is mastering the level of deception Irene, Sherlock, Moriarty and Mary (and Emelia Ricoletti) showed him over the course of the show, he would also leave a body behind. He would have planned it extensively, and part of that is by manipulating public opinion. He even gets really blatant with his prose and has himself sitting in front of a carpet of blood (calling back to how Sherlock sees the pile of blood before Mrs. Carmichael, explained here). You already saw this post but he would also need a body to draw Mary out of hiding by making the suicide convincing, which he also does by writing so many suicidal themes into series 4 so that when news gets out and people in-universe (and real life) react to his death, they put the clues together, which is like a double deception in order to make it seem impossible that he could have faked it. (#tw suicide)

So these plot points have been ongoing for seven years now lol and they’ll be key to series 5.

[amwritingmeta]

15x19: A First Ending

This was a good episode! Oh, I know, I know - we didn’t get Cas back. But oh, boy, that should mean that Misha shot for five of eight days for 15x20 and that makes me want to rub my hands together with the hope of what that might mean. All the good things!

Oh, don’t hang your hopes on mine btw. I had very high hopes that we’d get Cas back, or very strongly established as coming back (as per 13x04) with a final scene of him waking up in the Empty or something like it, and that didn’t happen, but omg I’m so glad they didn’t.

When Jack started praying and reaching out to Cas my heart almost stopped. 

If Dean doesn’t instigate Cas’ return, then oh it would take away too much!

But then Jack’s moment didn’t lead to anything, and now, the more I think about it, there more it feels like a plant. A reminder of how he prayed to Cas the last time, and woke him. We shall see, eh?

And then we got Dean telling Chuck to bring Cas back, which was a pivotal plant as well. I’d been worried if they hadn’t mentioned Cas more than once, with Dean telling Jack and Sam that Cas sacrificed himself to save him, yeah? 

If there had been no more Cas for the entire episode then, narratively speaking, I would have started wondering what role Cas might actually play in 15x20.

But Cas was mentioned more than once. We even got to hear his voice and have that fake return to stir our... I almost wrote loins, but that’s not appropriate so let’s change it to stir our... martinis. 

Ah yes. We could all use a drink, I’m sure.

The dog as well! Dean was so happy and he carried the dog and petted the dog and put it in Cas’ spot in the backseat and was all, yes, emotional substitute! And then... poof. Because it’s not going to be that easy to replace Cas. *fingers crossed*

Here’s mostly why I’m hopeful for something quite different as the actual finale of the show, the proper wrapping up of these character journeys:

This first ending is for those who have followed the show explicitly to watch these two brothers. (yes there’s a word for them but let’s not)

It ends exactly how these viewers -- and quite possibly the writers who wrote it -- always saw the show ending. It gives an emotionally satisfying wrapping up of all the thematic threads of the show and gives the brothers their hard-won freedom, and keeps the brothers riding in Baby, together, indefinitely. 

And these viewers and fans will always be able to stop watching the show there and keep that as their perfect ending.

Except it’s not the ending-ending. Is it?

This episode neatly and gorgeously wrapped up the Michael/Lucifer/Chuck storyline. It wiped the slate completely clean. Especially with Michael killing Lucifer and Chuck killing Michael. These characters just completely annihilating  each other because they’ve all served their purpose.

And Chuck being drained of his powers and ending up ignored, never to be worshipped again, or even remembered, is such a fitting ending for him! And with Dean refusing to kill him, leaving him to his fate, I’d call that Dean integrating his Shadow.

No more fearing it. It’s powerless. Thanks to Jack (Dean’s inner child) who now holds all the power in the universe.

I’d say Dean Winchester has reached a point of internal balance.

And for all of these good things: Chuck powerless, Jack the New God, surely helping to fix what Cas broke by restoring Heaven (I’m assuming Heaven will be repopulated or that God’s grace will level it out) and Jack stepping into shoes that Cas once tried to fill and failed to, to the detriment to so many of his kin, is simply stunning.

I cried, properly, at Jack’s speech. It was beautiful.

But for all these good things and wrappings up of stuff, didn’t the ending feel kind of superficial? Like stuff was missing in those final five minutes or so? Like... I don’t know... Sam mentioning Eileen maybe? Because surely she was brought back along with everyone else, and one episode ago he was losing his mind over the loss of her.

And they didn’t even mention Cas. Jack mentioned Castiel as a good influence, but Cas was just bunched in with “everyone we’ve lost along the way”.

Meh.

Hey, it’s fine if all you care about is Dean and Sam and you think that they’re at their happiest when they get to drive along a road in Baby, listening to tunes and play-fighting and reminiscing about all those people that have come and gone, while they know they’ll always remain the same.

I mean, if we hadn’t gotten that montage at the end of this episode (a fucking MONTAGE ppl) I would’ve started thinking that maybe Misha was coming back to shoot flashbacks for 15x20, as we got to see the brothers remembering Cas (like with Mary), taking a walk down memory lane and driving around to well-known locales for a final hurrah.

But we got that fucking montage, ppl.

Leaving me to feel that they probably won’t also spend forty minutes rememberembering those same people. You know?

Also, dull. And Dabb is anything but dull. And Dabb loves pulling on stuff he’s hinted at in the first ep of the season. 

And I remember reacting to Sam being the one to escort the kid and her mother into the, what was it? The high school, right? For safety.

While Dean and Cas had that tense exchange by Baby, where Dean couldn’t not ask if Cas was okay and Cas saying, hopefully, that he was, but Dean remaining stone faced and distant. “Awkward” is what Belphegor called it.

Oh. Please let there be awkwardness in 15x20. I beg on bent knees. Beg, I say!

Anyway.

What is 15x20 going to be about if it isn’t about finally answering the question of what will make the brothers happy?

A balanced universe, of course! But freedom without love... sounds kind of lonely to me. 

So, have they answered the question of What do I want? yet? Is this what they want for themselves? More of the same? This season has hinted that it isn’t. It’s hinted very strongly that it isn’t.

So, I’m holding my breath that Dean’s final confrontation is to do with happiness and daring to want it for himself. Daring to admit to wanting it for himself. Daring to go after it... 

Cas does not belong in the Empty.

And hope that it’s telling how Jack didn’t even think to get Cas out of there and bring him home. God got Lucifer out of the Empty so Jack definitely has the power. 

And Dean didn’t ask him to get Cas out of there, not because he doesn’t still want Cas out, but because it would ruin the first ending for the people who want Cas to stay dead. Yeah? 

It’s kind of beautifully done, to my mind, as a nod and a thank you to the people who have supported one reading of the show. It’ll be difficult for them to go apeshit when Dabb and the writers can simply tell them they don’t have to watch further than 15x19 and be content that they’ve got an ending that lets them cling to the brothers as the begin all, end all.

And yes, I remain believing we will get Dean and Cas together-together before the end of the show. I have no clue how much of a together-together we’ll get, but for the show not to give us a clear understanding of how Dean loves Cas back is unthinkable at this point, and will stay unthinkable until the show tells me otherwise, because nothing but those two together makes even a lick of sense to me.

Dean’s feelings were in the subtext this episode because that’s where they always have been and hopefully fingers crossed because this ending wasn’t for us, it was for other sides of fandom, giving them room for denial, if they simply don’t want to see that what Dean wants is Cas back.

Our ending isn’t happening until next week.

Dean: It’s a helluva time to bail. There’s a lot of people counting on you. People with questions—they’re gonna need answers. Jack: The answers will be in each of them. Maybe not today, but someday.

For me this may be setting up for 15x20.

Dean could be said to be accepting the reality of Cas being gone this episode. He starts off not telling the whole truth about what happened with Cas (of course), he’s drinking himself stupid, he tries to demand of Chuck to bring Cas back, he finds that emotional crutch in the doggo and he moves into acceptance because what else can he do?

Especially if he’s still reeling and is struggling with his fear of happiness, with not feeling deserving, with it being easier to simply let it all go.

But.

Letting go of the need is healthy, allowing it to make way for the real want that is about choosing Cas, not because he feels lost without him, but because Cas completes him...

That would be something. 

(oh shush let’s get with the romance) (Jerry always brings it)

The brothers love each other, but throughout this narrative there’s been hints that they both long for more. So much more. It would be so weird if it didn’t all wrap up with more being wanted and chosen and offered and had.

So if the answers are to be “in each of them -- someday”, then maybe Dean just needs to reach a moment where he’s ready to admit to himself that he can’t stand the fact that Cas died not knowing that Dean loves him back.

I wonder if Sam will push for this admittance... I’d like to witness that conversation, that’s for sure.

And Eileen. I hope she’s back sooner rather than later next episode!!

What’s next episode going to be about if it’s not about the breaking of old patterns to make way for new ones...? Are we going to follow the boys around as they do laundry and cook and make a few tentative plans for their unknown future? They won’t be hunting much in 15x20, at least if Dabb is anything to go by. I guess there might be something brief as a final The Boys With Their Weapons Doing Their Thing, but... it won’t be a case episode. And it would’ve been strange if it was, you know?

So then. Hope. One more week breathing eating sleeping on hopes and wishes and we shall simply have to wait and see what we get.

I have every faith it will blow us away, but I’m also sitting pretty. Reining in those horses lest they run away with me. And whatever comes our way, I’m so grateful for this show!

[disgruntledspacedad]

in defense of Din’s subdued reaction to losing the kid...

gif by @quantam-widow

I know we were all thinking it. We got a 2 second reaction shot to the destruction of the Razor Crest (may she forever rest in peace), but then, Grogu gets taken, and... nothing?

What the fuck, Din? we all protest. That’s your baby on that ship! Don’t you care? Scream, curse, kick a rock, cry, make a fist, something!!

I will acknowledge that so far, the show has been excellent with giving us emotional payoff, am I right? I mean, just today we got Din laughing, twice. Twice in a row. I honestly never thought we’d see that. There have been so many excellent, precious soft!Din moments this season, and they all feel deliciously earned.

So, from a meta POV, I guess I’m saying that I have faith in the writers to get it right, and in Pedro to deliver. Duh.

In universe, though, I think it’s fair to point out the obvious - that Din is a pretty reserved guy. He’s much more of a thinker than a feeler. He’s used to keeping things bottled up, and I would even argue that his life often depends on his ability to dissociate from his emotions. Din’s entire journey so far has been about how one little baby yodito shakes his worldview to its very foundations. He’s getting there, but it’s a slow process. 

And also, consider this - we haven’t seen Din alone yet, not since Grogu was taken. For a guy who lives a guarded life literally encased in fucking armor, any display of emotion is going to be carefully protected until he’s in private.

But anyway, Din is detached, rational, a little emotionally constipated, and definitely comfortable in a stressful situation. A true ISTP if you ask me (yeah, I know you didn’t, but whatever). Often, it seems that these cool headed, logical types who have never ruffled a feather over anything in their lives are the least adept at handling genuine fear. In other words, when panic does strike, it strikes them hard. 

And guys, Din was definitely panicking during this episode. 

He’s clearly unsettled from the jump - that outburst of “dank farrik!” in the cockpit sells it, and his distress only becomes more obvious from there. Talking out loud, trying to convince himself that the best thing for Grogu is for him to be trained as a Jedi. Reminding himself of the creed. His overt caution as they approach the seeing stone. His impatience, “Are you seeing anything??”

Then there’s the effects of long term stress. Sure, a bounty hunter in the outer rim doesn’t exactly live an easy life, but Din is definitely used to the drama being on his terms. Compare Din’s body language in the opening scene of season one to when Boba confronts him in chapter fourteen. You can just feel the anxiety, the weariness, the frustration. Din has been on the run for months now, constantly looking over his shoulder, sleeping with one eye open. Notice how he even startles at Fennec’s voice? Season one Din would never have given that much away, regardless of the situation. Long term stress has clearly taken a toll on him.

So we have unsettled, stressed out Din in an emotionally charged situation. He’s exhausted, he’s scared, he’s desperate. This scenario is a recipe for even the most level-headed of adrenaline junkies to loose their cool, and that’s exactly what happens to Din. He panics, and he makes some pretty big fuckups because of it. Leaving Grogu unprotected, twice. Trying three different times to break through that “force field,” even when he knew he couldn’t. Dropping that jetpack and then just forgetting about it (I know we were all screaming about that one, or at least, I was).

So, fear is a positive feedback loop. Those neurotransmitters that do us good in a bad situation - raising heart rate, narrowing focus, shunting blood to the muscles - can also be detrimental if we get too high of a dose - tachypnea and tachycardia, inability to think critically and see the big picture, lack of blood and oxygen to the brain. Epinephrine, in particular, even inhibits the laying down of new memory pathways. In other words, stress leads to poor performance, and poor performance leads to more stress, which leads to... you get the idea.

Then, in the middle of all this chaos, they fucking blast the Razor Crest.

More epinephrine, more cortisol, more stress. 

By the end of it all, Din is a fucking shitstorm of stress hormones and pent up emotions. Notice how he seems to be on autopilot in the immediate aftermath, robotically scanning the ashes of the Crest for anything that might be left intact. Notice how empty his voice is when he says, “the child is gone.” This is a dead man walking. Din has nothing left. His whole life has just gone up in smoke, and he can do nothing about it. 

Guys, Din is holding onto his sanity by a fucking thread in this scene. “The child is gone,” he says, like he’s reminding himself, grounding himself in his shitty reality. He’s stunned. 

And helpless. There’s literally nothing he can do for Grogu. He has no ship, no credits, no resources, nothing to bargain with, nothing to offer. Din literally cannot allow himself the luxury of feelings right now. He’s just got to focus on surviving this very shitty day.

Then, Boba Fett upholds his end of the deal, and suddenly, Din has something to hold onto. An ally, a badass friend, some hope. I don’t think Boba shows Din that chain code in order to verify his claim on the armor - he’s already wearing it, for godssake. I think Boba shows him the code in order to catch Din’s attention - hey friend, I know you’re hurting, but I’m a man of my word. When I make a vow, I keep it. Let’s regroup and go find your kid.

And Din would totally latch onto that. A fighting chance? Din fucking leaps at it. There’s a job to do. A kid to save. All of those stress hormones are going to keep on stewing, because Din has never really come down from his adrenaline high. 

It’s like this in real life, too. There isn’t time to be afraid. There isn’t time to be sad, or second-guess, or say, oh how terrible, or wonder what if it doesn’t work? There’s just you and the job, and if you are the only thing standing between life and death, you will put everything else aside and do what you have to do, for as long as you have to do it.

And that’s where Din is at this moment. He’s running on the fumes of his adrenaline, all tempered focus, all strategy and no bullshit.

Emotional shock, my therapist buddy calls it. Apparently, it’s normal. Expected, even.

But guys, the fallout of this kind of crazy ass adrenaline high is insanely intense. I’m talking collapse to the floor, legs won't hold you, trembling, crying so hard you sling snot, shuddering breaths, stare dead-eyed and spent at the ceiling because you’re just too wiped out to even sleep kind of intense. 

And then, after the breakdown comes the angst. The detailed thinking. The oh god, what if this had happened, or, should I have done that instead? It seems like every emotion that gets put on the back burner in the moment comes back to bite you with twofold intensity when all is said and done. 

In other words, Din is definitely going to feels some things .A lot of very intense things. A reckoning is coming, my dudes. Trust me. It’s just not quite here yet.

That being said, here’s what I can expect from Din going forward:

Just like he’s is slow to acknowledge his growing parental feelings for Grogu, I think Din’s going to be slow at processing his grief at Grogu’s loss. In the next episode, he’s got plenty to distract him - getting together his hit team to take back the kid and coordinating an attack on the empire. 

However, I do think we’ll get a slow moment with Din, probably sometime at the beginning of next week’s episode if the pattern holds. I doubt it’s the full-blown breakdown that we’re all needing, but I’m willing to bet money that we’ll see Din grappling with the fact that his kid is gone. I also think that badass beskar murder machine Din from chapter three will resurface. Stress and desperation make us do irrational things, and anger is one of the stages of grief that Din will inevitably have to work through (I think he’s flickering between denial and bargaining for now).

But then, after Din gets Grogu back? I think that’s we’ll have our big, dearly earned emotional payoff. 

For one thing, Din won’t be able to deny his feelings anymore. He wants to keep this kid, it’s so very obvious. Losing him just forces it all to the forefront. 

And then the relief/joy/regret/guilt that Din is going to feel once he’s got Grogu back? Not to mention the physical exhaustion? All of the fear/terror/angst/grief that he ignored in favor of just going pedal to the metal, guns blazing, get the kid or die trying? That shit’s going to crash into him with all the subtly of a fucking tsunami. I guarantee you, we’re going to get some sort of confession, or adoption vow, or face revel, or other sort of profound softness from Dad!Din in the falling action of this season (At least, I hope we get it at the end this season but I wouldn’t put it past them to kick it into the premier of season three, just for pacing reasons, but then again, I obviously have trust issues).

Personally, I would love to see Din grappling with the long-term fallout of losing Grogu - night terrors, guilt, paranoia, etc. That’s probably the stuff of fanfiction - mandalorians don't have nightmares on screen, surely - but still, some lingering effects Grogu’s kidnapping would be realistic, and I would absolutely live for it.

[filmmakerdreamst]

How Xena: Warrior Princess Allowed Me To Accept Myself

I was living in a city all alone and these two characters showed me that it was ok for two women to love each other.

In order to understand the following story, there’s something you need to know about me. I have always loved fiction. From the age of about 5 to 11, I loved books more than I loved people. I was a shy child who found it easier to emotionally engage with fictional worlds than the real one around me.

See, fictional worlds are created for your brain’s enjoyment. Their rules make sense. Events happen for a reason. The narrator tells you why characters behave the way they do, allowing you to empathize with them on a deep emotional level. Easy to understand, easy to identify with, easy to love.

But real people are complicated. The real world is complicated. And things are seldom laid out nicely in a coherent narrative format for you. Real things are much harder to love.

This emotional disengagement continued from the age of 11 onwards, although it was no longer as pronounced. My habit of retreating into fiction would fade during good times and come back in force during difficult or stressful periods. During the stressful periods of college, the rise of Netflix allowed me to become certifiably obsessed with my favorite TV shows. And naturally, I joined Tumblr in order to more easily fangirl with people who shared my interests.

Only for some peculiar reason that I didn’t care to examine, my interests were slowly gravitating towards girl-girl couples. Soon I was shipping, reblogging, and reading fanfiction almost exclusively about female couples. But I, who had always considered myself straight despite lacking interest in the boys around me, didn’t think this meant that I was gay. I probably just found female couples more emotionally satisfying. I was friends with mostly women, I was a woman myself, so it was natural that I just understood them better. Yeah, that was probably it.

Fast-forward to nine months ago. I was living in Boston and incredibly depressed about it. My job and my boss were making my life miserable and I had very few people to socialize with. I was making the rough transition from the constant socialization of college to the isolating pressure of a city where I had few connections. My days and nights were some of the loneliest I had ever experienced. I looked for something, anything, to lift the heart-crushing emotional silence.

My solution was the same one I always chose when I was dissatisfied with the real world; obsession with a new TV show. And thanks to my femslash-focused tumblr community, I knew just what my next feel-good show was going to be.

My tumblr friends had told me this: Xena: Warrior Princess is an action-fantasy show that enjoys a cult status, much like Buffy: The Vampire Slayer (which I watched and loved). The two shows were made in the same mid-to-late 90's era, with similar bad special effects and endearing campiness. But XWP is much… MUCH… more gay.

That was about all I knew about the show going in. And amazingly, that was all I needed to know to be excited about watching it. You’d think that fact would have told me something about myself, but no. The mental walls of denial were years in the building and needed more force than that to be shattered.

For anyone unfamiliar with the show’s premise, Xena: Warrior Princess is about the title character and her quest for redemption. You see, Xena did some bad things in her previous life on another show (Hercules: The Legendary Journeys). In her storied career as a warlord, she committed such petty crimes as genocide, the slaughter of innocents, that kind of thing. But now she has seen the light and wants to atone for her crimes. Except she can never undo the terrible things she did. All Xena can do now is help people on a day-to-day basis and hope that it’s enough for someone to show her mercy.

Which is already fantastic from a character standpoint. But there is a secret mirror to Xena’s journey that is not reflected in the show’s title, and that is Gabrielle and her character arc.

Oh! Gabrielle! When I met her in the very first episode, I loved her straightaway. She is a feisty, naive, talkative small-town girl who accompanies Xena on all her adventures. Her character quickly assumes paramount importance in the narrative. Gabrielle is Xena’s only friend. She comes to know her better than anyone else and love her for who she is, all the while believing Xena can reach redemption. Yet Gabrielle is not just a support system for Xena; she goes on her own heroic journey. The two character arcs intertwine and co-develop in a way I have never seen in any show before or since.

As each episode rolled by and their relationship grew in complexity, I found myself more and more engrossed. And I came to realize: this was something I wanted. The day I accepted my own desire was the day I accepted myself. What could be more strangling than denying the existence of your own feelings? Yet I had been doing this to myself for years — cutting off the possibility of being attracted to other women — without even realizing.

Before beginning the show, I thought the fandom had read in between the lines to construct a romantic relationship between the two characters, the same way as femslash shippers do in all other TV shows. Except not this time. This one is mind-blowingly different.

Not only does the narrative place utmost importance on the relationship between Xena and Gabrielle, but the actresses bring such multi-dimensional love to their parts. When I saw Lucy Lawless (Xena) and Renee O’Connor (Gabrielle) interact, I could so easily believe that these two women loved each other beyond friendship. Xena and Gabrielle display every kind of love you can think of. They protect and sacrifice for each other. They tease and flirt. They cuddle and console. They have inside jokes with each other. They dance sexily. They play pranks and drive each other crazy. They sweetly kiss. They come back from the dead together. They bathe together. They raise each other’s children. They meet in alternate timelines and fall in love all over again.

I could have left my mental walls of denial in place. I could have said to myself “oh yes, I want this. But with a guy.” But no. Lawless and O’Connor’s incredibly attractive faces and bodies broke down the door of my mental closet. Precisely because they were fictional, I felt safe to admit my attraction to them. One of the key mental blocks I had always had towards accepting any attraction towards other women was the thought that I was being creepy. That since they could not possibly feel the same way about me, it was wrong to feel the way I did. But in my mind, that barrier didn’t exist with fictional characters. They couldn’t feel anything for me. Therefore, it was fine to feel whatever I want about them.

The walls cracked. The water came rushing in. Oh my god. I am attracted to other women. Like, every day of my life. Those flickers in my stomach when I talk to an attractive female coworker suddenly make a whole lot of sense now. I now saw my historical awkwardness when talking to beautiful girls, which I always dismissed as “me being weird”, for what it was. All those short-term girl crushes on older girls throughout high school. How was I so sure they were platonic? That heart-aching infatuation I had with my best friend that lasted for years? Yeah, add that to the ‘definitely gay’ list.

Since then I’ve realized that my feelings are valid regardless of what others feel for me. Just because feelings are unrequited doesn’t mean they aren’t real. That’s what Xena and Gabrielle taught me. Their fictional example was the final blow to my rapidly-crumbling resistance to the idea of homosexuality.

In our culture today, so many forms of media reinforce heteronormativity. How many commercials have you seen that assume attraction between a man and a woman? How many billboards tell women that they need to look sexy for the men in their lives? How many times has a movie ended with the guy getting the girl? It’s the combined action of a thousand small rocks shifting to make a cultural avalanche. You can’t move against it. All you can do is stand still and try to maintain your footing against the current, to maintain your identity in the face of a world where you and people like you are often swept away by the mainstream.

Xena: Warrior Princess is one of those rare stories that dares to go against the grain. It celebrates a romantic relationship between two women as the most natural thing in the world. And in doing so, it provides a mirror for me and people like me to recognize themselves in. There we are. Look at us fly.

This story isn’t over yet. I still have a lot of work to do to accept myself, but thanks to Xena and Gabrielle I’ve taken one huge step towards living the open life I want to live. I moved on from that horrible job and lonely city, but in the end I’m grateful. Grateful that circumstances pushed me to the depths of loneliness necessary to bring down the prison I had built in my own mind.

- How Xena: Warrior Princess Allowed Me To Accept Myself by Lyra Hall

[vegalocity]

OMG? I NEED to know more about Syntax's daughter ASAP

Okay so i basically spent all of last shift thinking about this kid, so here's what i've got:

First off, her name is Minyi (敏怡) (though thats up to change if need be) currently refraining from coming up with a surname on the chance that canon actually delves a bit into Syntax's backstory and we learn HIS real name.

So she's like 6, and she's... definitely a lot LIKE her Dad in the fact that she's maybe a bit too smart for her own good. And she's just about to hit that 'wierd little girl' phase too, shifting phases from 'Dinosaurs' to 'Detectives' a little after her dad vanished because... well... obvious reasons.

She's determined and driven with all the single minded dedication of a first grader. Every new thing she's learning right now has to lead back into her overall dedication to finding her daddy. She doesn't care that her auntie is shooting her sad glances, and people keep saying he's probably dead. He's not. She knows he's not.

She needs glasses but she only wears them while reading, the rest of the time they're pushed up into her hair, Daddy always told her she needed to wear them more to get used to them and also so she won't walk into a pole, but Auntie doesn't really seem to care.

She's nor oblivious, she knows people look at her all 'ohhh poor little girl' when she tells them her daddy is missing. Sometimes people think he's missing on purpose and that makes her way more mad than people thinking he's dead like mama, so during the 'putting up missing flyers' phase of the 'finding daddy' plan she would purposefully cover up the picture on the flyer before putting it up so people will just think she's looking for a missing kitty or something. Minyi is a master at psychological manipulation.

Her Auntie kinda lets her wander about despite her age, not for neglect reasons, but just on the level of 'My brother is dead and his daughter whom i have to take care of now is in the denial phase very firmly'

She does a lot of arts and crafts that kind of seem innocent, learning to make glow in the dark slime, Invisible ink with UV lights, that sort of thing, The last thing her Daddy had been working on at work had involved the power grid they keep the fancy parts of below the city. She needed to learn how to explore caves, so she needed to be able to mark her way so she doesn't get lost

Minyi and her Aunt were actually both spared during New Years, Minyi felt weird about going out to celebrate with Daddy missing, and Auntie didn't really feel like doing anything high energy as she resigned herself to motherhood either, so once shit started going crazy they were able to barricade the apartment before any spider-bots got in.

Though the area nearby was Syntax's to cover to ensure the Queen's legion spread thoroughly, so... maybe without fully realizing it that particular apartment complex was overlooked.

If one wanted to play into a 'write this like an episode' format then I'd see Minyi rolling up to Pigsy's Noodles doing that thing that little kids do when they want to seem very grownup indeed and very seriously orders a smol bowl bc she's smol and is like 'The Monkie Kid works here right? o^o' and eats as slowly as possible to make sure she's still here when MK gets back from a delivery

And it's one of those 'civilian has unrealistic assumptions about the hero' episodes, bc she's convinced if anyone would know how to solve this if her daddy vanished under magical means it would be the Monkie Kid. and MK honestly has no idea what she's talking about. The episode would end with MK taking a 'missing' flyer from her and promiscing that if he finds out anything she'll be the first person he calls, then looks at the flyer and as a comedy beat 100% doesn't recognize Syntax by his pre-spider-fied form;

He probably doesn't until the next time the two are head to head over something and he's like 'WAIT A SECOND-'

[ssaalexblake]

You know, I remember before s12 aired I was talking about how I liked how they’d managed to say something with the casting of Jodie as the doctor Without forgetting the doctor’s socialisation. As in, 13’s anger has been Very feminine in that it deals with repression and hiding it behind 8 layers of denial and not letting people See she’s not a perfect happy go lucky joy machine who just helps people all the time. It made sense plot wise because of what 12’s last wishes were, he didn’t want the bad. He hoped for a future of laughter and kindness, not the kind of things the doctor has ended up with.

The doctors dedication to their own last wishes has unknowingly pushed 13 into somewhat typical feminine reactions in s11, she is being passive aggressive (this doesn’t actually stop, to be fair, she’s definitely being this in her calmer moments in s12), she’s only letting those around her see her positive attributes, hiding her questionable past by avoiding questions. She cornering bad guys alone so only They see her darker side. She’s using them as a pressure valve to vent her anger and disdain openly, because she knows she can’t do so to the fam without violating her own vow to herself.

So while 13’s ways of displaying anger aren’t stemming from being present in a society that socialises women that way, she has effectively ended up in the same place without her behaviour stemming from said same socialisation. Because this regeneration just Suddenly appearing like they’ve been perceived as a woman and socialised as such when they’ve been taken and treated as a man for thousands of years would not have worked.

And I personally quite enjoy this, might as well Say something with the casting, right? And I said this waaaay back when, and I got push back (rudely, but W/e) because why would I enjoy something that’s not a power fantasy of her acting in an entirely socialised male way, and that this whole thing was remarkably lacking in self awareness but like... I actually am thinking as time goes on that it is Very self aware and is serving as a bit of a lesson on toxic femininity.

I... have no idea if this is an arc that was self aware from the get go, but 12′s last wishes could have vastly different connotations depending on whom you say them to. From seeing two seasons of 13′s behaviour in an effort to fulfil them, i think it’s pretty evident that hearing them sent her down a pathway of very unhealthy emotional expressions that i clocked when watching Very early in the eleventh series as a very feminine type of anger repression. 

And in s11, she’s sailing on that. She Kind of slips up in the first new year’s special with the dalek, but other than that life is Good for her. She’s managing to find effective therapeutic venting villains to release the pressure of having to be perfect all the time and it’s not even having too much of a negative mental effect on her. 

Of course, this only holds for as long as life is going well for her, literally the first thing that happens in s12 is the Worst thing that ever could for her. The Master shows up, drudging up trauma related to Bill, relating to hoping against all hope they could be friends again but ending up dying in the dirt alone. He destroys Gallifrey, commits genocide, which would have been traumatizing enough but it would have drudged up all the trauma from when they thought They’d destroyed it and ruined the win they got when they’d actually saved it. The fam whom she loves are now Also in mortal danger and want answers. This all just goes to prove that 13 Only pulled that off in s11 because it was to a level that she could handle it. Once her stress and trauma and anger and hurt reaches a certain level, she can no longer function in the way she wished to and the true toxicity of that behaviour becomes apparent. 

And through all of this, while the 13 hasn’t arrived at these behaviour patterns through female socialisation, she is Presenting in the same way so it functions as a criticism of toxic femininity. 

In Orphan 55 she latches onto Kane Before she knows she’s done anything bad and treats her like dirt to vent the anger, the fam had Already noted she’s in a foul mood and it’s kind of evident she did Not want to take it out on them and used Kane to do it. Then the Skithra happens and she is Brutal and she is so in front of the fam. Fugitive of the Judoon happens and her instinct to hide all of her trauma and not talk and just be Happy is shown from the opening scenes to be causing division amongst the fam and her, she is moody and short and angry At them because she can no longer contain it. By the end of the episode she actually even verbally slams Ryan. That is how far gone she is with all of this. 

fotj is also when the fam Kind of manage to get through to her and show support, she actually is shown to be in a slightly better place in the next two episodes, so we also see that when she functions honestly and Doesn’t lean into toxic femininity her life Improves. 

Of course, then villa diodati happens and it all once again goes to utter Hell and she totally Blows. He screaming at the fam was a total and utter breakdown and it was a Snap. It was a Snap like the other doctors have had, it was like ten at his worst except instead of it being a boatload of ugly toxic masculinity she is portraying this through a lens of toxic Femininity. And people are still on my posts on a weekly basis wondering when 13 will Finally Snap. 

13′s anger Isn’t like the other doctors’ in presentation because her unhealthy coping mechanisms are displaying a totally different side of toxicity in society. 13′s repression and her absolute Need to only display positive traits led her down a road in s12 where she was unable to find help, unable to say there was anything wrong, unable to display negativity in a healthy way, unable to keep the sheer supernova of emotions she was feeling down anymore and it exploded, and it was ugly. She blamed the fam for not knowing things she was deliberately hiding from them. She did Nasty things. Her inability to think straight and her disinclination to Deal with her own trauma and just repress it ultimately led her to give up the cyberium to the lone cyberman which led to Countless trillions, probably, of humans to die in the worst way possible (that’s the doctors Own opinion on that btw, she Knowingly did something that caused this) because her crutches are ignoring the bad and using the fam and earth itself as a second home in place of the old one, for her, the possibility of losing them or the earth is so traumatic and disturbing that she knowingly causes a horror. 

13′s poor mental health, the poor mental health stemming from toxicly feminine ways of dealing with anger and trauma and depression led, directly, to the terrors in the last 3 episodes in s12. It is not healthy! 13 may not have been led to acting in these ways by female socialization, But giving us a justified and logical reason to be acting in the same way women are Expected to act in society to ours (and, everybody’s) detriment Is a commentary on how toxic that type of feminine anger actually Is. 

So no, i don’t think they went ‘power fantasy’ as a route with jodie’s casting as the doctor, but that doesn’t mean it wasn’t self aware, instead they chose to say something that wouldn’t have been as poignant a story had they cast a man to play 13, because chronologically and visually... A man told her to do this. It is more complicated, yes, but this Definitely says something.  

13 is a cautionary tale against the toxicity in the anger women are socialised into... A wild one, but since when was the doctor ever subtle.