#but like i grew up in an abusive household. with a narcissistic father and an absent mother

[rosestthorns]

Ya know, the more time I've had to reflect on things, the more fucked everything seems in retrospect.

[dreamingumbrellas]

why tua s1 is a masterpiece and 2-4 give me a migraine

i gotta use my english degree for something so lets talk about it

i’d like to note beforehand, that i’ve only seen about half of season 4. but given everything i’ve heard about it, i’ve decided to avoid watching it for my own mental wellbeing. i really haven’t enjoyed the last three seasons much, mostly i’ve been dredging through because of how much i love season 1. it feels painfully like seasons 1 and seasons 2-4 are for completely different fucking shows–particularly in tone.

i think tua season 1 attracted attention to its unique themes that are lost in the rest of the series. the primary themes are of trauma and dysfunctional family dynamics. it’s a story about seven severely abused siblings learning to cope with their trauma and reconnect as adults. season 1’s tone is somber. it shows us glimpses of the characters’ childhoods, and how it affects them in their adult lives. the characters in season 1 were, most importantly, flawed! they were assholes, because trauma turns people into assholes sometimes! 

you can directly trace back the siblings’ character flaws to the shit reggie put them through. Luther was the golden boy, which put too much responsibility on his shoulders and isolated him from his siblings. As a result, Luther is ultra-loyal to his dead father, in obvious denial of the abuse he endured because he was never able to form an identity for himself outside of reggie and the academy! he is the only one that never moved on. and then reggie turned luther into (for lack of a better term) a giant monkey without his consent, causing him to hate himself and even further alienate himself from the rest of the world. 

diego never left the ‘number 2’ headspace. he fights with luther even into adulthood. despite how much he claims to hate his father, he became a vigilante likely as an effort to finally be good enough for his dad. and lets not forget (unlike the writers) about his stutter–something that formed in childhood and came back as an adult when he was triggered with memories of his childhood. he’s inherently defensive because reginald pit the siblings against one another constantly.

allison is a narcissist–though, when we meet her in season 1, she’s more of a narcissist in recovery. she’s recognized how her childhood affected her and wants to become a better person to make up for the mistakes of her past. what mistakes again? well, she used her powers on her daughter because 1. she was never told no. reggie encouraged the usage of her powers, and the household where she grew up was violent, manipulative, and competitive. she had no sense of real normalcy, so she never learned how to build a happy, healthy family for her daughter. to cope with her trauma, she clung to her fame–this is shown both in adulthood and childhood flashbacks–leading her to become a movie star, and not accept her own faults.

klaus, well, klaus is the most obvious example of trauma. mostly due to reggie forcing his powers on him when he was a young childhood. locking him in a mausoleum for hours on end. he became a drug addict as a result. living on the streets, in and out of rehab, and stealing for money. we see him struggle constantly throughout season 1–through his interactions with ghosts (when its very possible he wouldn’t have developed such a fear of them if it weren’t for reggie), with flashbacks to his childhood and (later) to the vietnam war. his inability to take things seriously and his self-destructive behavior are both coping mechanisms. his siblings don’t trust him because of his lying and kleptomaniac tendencies.

five is a character whose development is utterly abandoned after season 1. he was only thirteen years old when he accidentally travelled in time to the apocalypse, where he remained for 45 years. i remind you of this because the writers won’t. he survived those years for his family! because he felt immeasurable guilt for leaving them! he was so lonely for these years that he developed a romantic attachment to a mannequin (something only referenced for a joke in later seasons). he was in an extremely vulnerable position when he was recruited by the handler (a character who was very creepy in her own right) and he was forced to use his childhood ‘superhero’ skillset to essentially become an assassin, a job he loathed himself for. all so he could have a chance to save his family. five is cocky, sarcastic, and yes, wants to save the world, but we forget that he wanted to save his family first. he was willing to sacrifice the world if it meant saving his siblings. and even once he returns to the present, he experiences ptsd flashbacks to his time in the apocalypse. five is severely traumatized and stuck between childhood and adulthood, has lived for far too long and has done too many terrible things to be a child, but is stuck in a childs body and never got the chance to emotionally mature past the age of 13. this in no way resembles the five we get in later seasons.

in season 1, ben is a tragedy. he is the character that haunts the narrative (literally). his death was the reason the family split up. he experienced an incredibly traumatic childhood, forced to slaughter people against his will. all so that he could die tragically young (we’ll get into his cause of death later). he’s stuck following klaus around for years, unable to interact with anyone else. he watched his brother deteriorate in front of him with no way to help. he’s angry about his death and sometimes takes out his frustrations on klaus. but at the same time, he was ‘the kindest’ of all the siblings. he cares deeply about his family, but can’t do anything about it.

i think it’s easy to forget that the initial focus of the show was viktor. viktor, who was told how unremarkable he was again and again. who was isolated not just from the world but from his own family as well. who was drugged up from an incredibly young age and forced to ignore his emotions. yes, the umbrella academy was abusive. but being isolated from his siblings was just another form of abuse. he grew up to resent his family on a lot of levels, writing his book as a method to vent his frustrations but only ended up in driving his siblings further away. viktor went through a lot of shit in season 1, and resulted in him ending the world. but did his family kill him? no. because that was the point of the entire show. that despite their trauma and how much they might resent one another, the siblings still loved each other more than the rest of the world put together. 

everything ive outlined are the elements that make up season 1, and are almost entirely forgotten about later. but by losing the integrity of the characters, they lost the narrative. the point of the umbrella academy was never saving the world–it was about a broken family reconciling with one another despite everything. these points of trauma are taken seriously. it was the complexity of these characters, at least in my opinion, that attracted attention towards them. and sure, we didn’t love every character all the time. remember how much luther was hated in season 1? but it’s because he was realistic. these characters, and the shit they went through, weren’t a joke. and the season ended off in a way that forshadowed these elements being explored more in depth. remember how it ended?

with the seven siblings holding hands as the world exploded around them. and for only a few seconds, we saw them transform back into their child selves.

now, this plot point (whatever it might have been) was instantly cancelled and forgotten about in season 2. but it really makes you think about the season we could have gotten: the characters being forced back into their childhood, having to confront the root of their trauma and essentially, all their problems. they could look back at what happened to them with a mature perspective and worked through it, realizing that they were not each other’s enemies. they could have made up for lost time, helped eachother heal, and ultimately prevent the apocalpyse by being family. you know, something that would have actually wrapped up the narrative nicely.

so, what happened?

the shows original themes of trauma, and repentance, and family were abandoned in favor of humor and spectacle. it seems like the creators misinterpreted what made the first season so successful. sure, the first season had a lot of funny moments and great fight scenes. but it was the emotional depth and complexity that made the show what it was. but worse than that, it continued to spit in the faces of the characters trauma, downplaying it in almost every way possible.

klaus’ relapses were played for comedy. his fear of ghosts was drastically downplayed with the use of cartoonish ghost-buster ass looking ghosts. five’s ptsd was never acknowledged again; his coping mechanism, dolores, became a joke. luther lost all character complexity entirely, instead becoming a himbo (who we love, but, still). viktor rarely brought up the feelings from his childhood, and nobody acknowledged his tell-all book again.

one of the things that infuriated me the most was the incorporation of reginald in later seasons. lets remind ourselves of some things: he purchased seven children, treated them like objects without names, trained them tirelessly and deprived them of a childhood, traumatized them by turning them into murderers, pitted them against one another, and literally tortured them. and that’s only the things we see him do on screen. you cannot convince me for a second that any of the siblings would ever be able to be the same room as that man without having serious flashbacks. I don’t believe for one second that they’d work with him, trust him, or empathize with him in any capacity (except maybe luther) except they do, consistently. even five, who is easily the smartest member of the academy, and extremely protective of his siblings.

and- LEST WE FUCKING DISREGARD- reginald MURDERED ben.

the moment that happened on screen felt like the last shovel of dirt on tua 1’s grave. supposedly all the siblings REMEMBERED this incident in seasons 1-3. and yet they went to their fathers funeral, spoke to him (relatively) civilly, and teamed up with him after seeing for themselves their father shoot their brother in the back of the head for seemingly no reason. not only did they apparently not hold this against their father, but they never mentioned it once in three seasons.

and yes, i know, there is a very simple reason for this. it was obviously made up at the last moment for plot convenience. but the implications for this being retconned in are damning for the characters. by writing this in, the writers decided that the siblings commitment to one another is meaningless. that the foundations upon which this show was created, are fucking meaningless. they threw away not only the individual complexity of each character, but also their relationship as a family.

[oddlyspookz]

Hey guys !! I know I'm making an object show, but I also have another project I've been working on since I started high school. (I started in 2020 and graduated in 2023.) It's a graphic novel Slice-of-life emotional drama.

Lyle Springs takes place in the fictional desert town of Lyle Springs, Nevada, between the years of 2011 to 2017. It follows 6 teens from the start of their freshman year of high school, to their graduation.

The first main character, who is kind of leading the story in the beginning, is Thomas. He's a trans guy who's had a rough start. I won't go into too much detail, but Thomas Aguiar was born into a family with a loving, but helpless mother, and a narcissistic father who wanted a perfect family. When Thomas, born Tegan Aguiar, a girl, bravely came out as trans at the age of 10, the abuse started. Thomas grew up in a violent household, made to feel like everything he did was wrong. At 12, he was thrown into the foster care system after his mother disappeared. Now, at 15, he lives with his adoptive mother Eveline, her biological daughter Abby, and his own biological younger sister Tamera. He suffers from PTSD, Depression and an ED. He's considered stubborn and cold by some, and struggles a lot with his identity and self image.

Abby Herrera is the biological daughter of Eveline Herrera, who had given birth to Abby at the young age of 15, and was disowned by her biological family and beaten by her own mother. Eveline is a single mother, as Abby's father, her high school boyfriend, left her quickly after he found out Ev was pregnant. Abby was a hyper and "difficult" child, who turned out to have ADHD, and when Abby was in 4th grade, Eveline decided to put her into a sport, to help with some of her energy- soccer. It ended up being a special interest of Abby's, and now at 14, she still plays soccer on weekends on a team at the local park. She also plays for the school volleyball team, and runs track on the school track team at 5 am 3 days a week. She is a lesbian.

James Jacob Clarke, a.k.a J.J, is an autistic teen boy, who, soon after meeting Thomas, develops a "little" crush on him. The two first meet briefly on their first day of school when, after an older boy starts picking on J.J because his dinosaur backpack is "baby-ish", Thomas steps in to defend him, and gets his bag back after the older boy snatched it from J.J.

J.J. grew up in a household with an older brother, Jackson, and a single mother, Lola.

Jackson "Jackie" Clarke was born with a genetic condition called Retinitis Pigmentosa, or Rod Cone Dystrophy, which caused him to go blind by age 11. He knew from a young age that he would go blind, but it was never guaranteed when that would happen, so it was scary for Jackson not knowing when he'd lose his sight, or how quickly it would happen, there was just waiting. Painful waiting.

J.J and Jackson had a father, Herbert Clarke. He was a well-meaning man, but he wanted tough boys, and ran a tight ship. J.J was just three when his dad passed,and doesn't remember much of what his dad was like, except for the better things. He mostly grew up with the perception that his dad was something of a saint. Jackson, however, who was six when he died, remembers a little more of their dad, and how harsh he could be.

When J.J would have meltdowns, Herbert would throw him onto the couch, throw himself onto the young boy and restrain him, because he'd heard on the internet that this would help his autistic meltdowns.

This did not help. In fact, it was a large source of trauma for J.J while he was little, the feeling of an almost two hundred seventy pound, adult man placing himself on top of a tiny sixty-pound, 1 year old boy, having the air squeezed out of him and being told that dad will only get off of him when he stops screaming and thrashing. Of course, now, J.J doesn't remember any of this as he's blocked it out. All he remembered was the bedtime stories his father would lovingly tell, and the lullaby he'd sing to both boys.

Jackson remembered the prone restraint, as well as how his father would treat him. Jackson was often clumsy, confused and sometimes his father would ask him to go look for something, and Jackson wouldn't be able to find it, which would piss his father off since he'd think Jackson was just being stubborn and not looking hard enough. Herbert was harsh on Jackson, thinking he was weak, lazy and stubborn. Then he would turn around and try to make it up to his boys with gifts or other things to make things good again. He wouldn't admit that he was a bad father or doing anything that would hurt his boys.

As to how their father died, Herbert died of a liver problem that seemed to appear out of nowhere.

For now, Jackson lets J.J believe their father is the saint he remembers him to be, but he knows one day, they'll have to talk about all the things that really happened in the past.

For now, with J.J at 14 and Jackson at 17, the boys live in a sort of cruddy area of town with their mother, walking to school because their mother was always working to keep a somewhat decent roof over their heads. Through a fundraiser, the family managed to adopt a guide dog for Jackson the year before J.J started highschool, which was one thing that helped his depression quite a bit, and Rebel the dog quickly became a companion to him.

Tabitha James is the cousin and best friend of J.J and Jackson. She and her two little brothers, Noah and Leo James, were born through IVF, to two mothers, Lilith James-Clarke and Taeryn James.

Lilith is the twin sister to J.J and Jackson's mother Lola, and the kids grew up together as best friends, and the three often hang out together at school, as they don't really have many other friends due to people ridiculing them for their differences, as Tabitha is also autistic. The cousins are considered outcasts at school, and keep to themselves.

Tabitha, even at a young age loved Gothic and alternative fashion. She was often made fun of for her strange clothing choices by the other kids in elementary school, although she didn't realize she was being teased until later on. It never really bothered her until middle school, when things got worse. She still loves the fashion, and often dresses in a scene kid style, and carries around a hello kitty bag. She also loves furbys and owns three.

Micaela Olsenn is a trans women born to a single father, Rueben Olsenn, who is autistic. Rue ended up being a teen dad after he was pressured into sex by a popular girl at a party. He's never told anyone because he doesn't like to relive the moment, and he doesn't believe his experience is valid. Micaela grew up pretty close with her dad, playing video games with him. When Micaela came out as trans at 9, Rueben was a bit confused at first but supported her fully. The two don't always communicate well, but they try to get along.

Micaela was severely bullied by the other kids in grade school, and even suffered several injuries when it became physical, causing her to develop PTSD, and Anxiety. On top of this, she also has Body Dysmorphia and an ED.

Micaela was childhood friends with Tabitha, up until she moved to a different town in Nevada, to get away from the bullying and have a fresh start at a new school. In freshman year, she moves back to Lyle Springs, and quickly reconnects with Tabitha, and possibly develops a little crush on her in the process- not that Mic would admit it.

... that's all I can tell you about the few main characters so far that get introduced right in the beginning, if you wanna know more, you'll have to stay tuned, and maybe give what I have of the book written so far a read! /nf/pos/gen

We also have a server with some more fun stuff which you can join if you want to become a fan and keep up with the progression of this and all my projects! (Most of the stuff is read-only currently, but if enough people have joined then maybe ill add a general chat.)

[idreaminmugiwara]

Episode 157 - "I am Here"

I don't think it's an exaggeration to call the most recent episode of MHA a total masterpiece. I don't know if the direction could have been any better. The animation was like something out of a dream. The music paired PERFECTLY with each scene, evocative, inspiring, tragic and haunting. The voice acting. THE VOICE. ACTING. Did we ever suspect Endeavor could even sound like that???

And then there's the full circle moment of the Todoroki family arc.

I grew up in a household with a father that mirrored Endeavor's personality and his systematic abuse. Angry, demanding, loud, narcissistic and determined to turn me into some kind of golden child, the pillar of the family, the hero of the fucking world. To see a character like Endeavor written so that he actually feels remorse, that he actually seeks atonement and truly, honestly apologizes for his behavior healed something in me in ways that, after watching the episode four times now, I'm still processing and integrating.

This was masterful writing from Horikoshi, and it was masterfully executed by Bones. 10000/10, my brain chemistry has been permanently altered.

[seriouslysam8]

Okay, don’t hate me but I used to hate Harry. I always found him annoying and thought he was way too impulsive and hot headed, but after reading Alew… I get it. I never thought how hard it would be for a 15 month old to see someone kill his mother and try to kill him and get thrown into household that hated his existence, but I get it. I get why he was so impulsive, I get why he was so hot headed, I get why he didn’t trust adults. Reading about how he’s behaving towards Blackinnon was tugging on my heart strings and I can’t believe a kid that was that traumatized was locked up for years and treated like a slave. I never thought of it from that pov. I had a hard time relating to Harry because I grew up privileged with lots of love so I didn’t understand his decisions, but I get it now. I don’t know if that’s what you intended with this story, but thanks for opening my eyes. I’m impartial to Ginny and I’m actually really looking forward to seeing if you can change my mind on Hinny. I have to admit I’m a huge Romione fan and I came across your story because of someone ranting about you hating Hermione on a Reddit post and curiosity got the best of me and I’m so glad. If it helps, you got another fan off of someone bitching about you on Reddit (free publicity lol). Btw, this fan has no issues with you not liking Hermione or Romione 🫶🏻

It wasn’t my intention to convert Harry haters with this story. I really just wanted to give my boy the childhood he deserved to have.

I don’t know how long you’ve been lurking here, but I grew up with a narcissist mother and an absent father. Love was earned through saying, doing, and thinking the right things. It was a lot of emotional abuse and manipulation. I gravitate towards characters who had less than stellar upbringings. I think Sirius is my all-time favorite because I think his canon childhood was most closely aligned with mine while I think Harry’s abuse was way worse and horrific.

But anyway, I like to write about what I know. I like to write about my experiences and what I’ve gone through. I’m married to a husband who grew up like you with no shortage of love. I laugh-cry sometimes because his mother is totally a Molly Weasley. She’s so warm and welcoming and there is no shortage of love in her heart for anyone. I don’t think that woman has a mean bone in her body. I have kids with my husband. So I really like writing the dynamics of Hinny and Blackinnon where one is so unsure as a parent because of their upbringing and the other is so confident because they had a fantastic upbringing. It’s what I know, you know?

I had someone comment that Sirius seems like a boring dad in Alew. I think as someone who had to work for the love and acceptance of his parents for the longest time until he reached the point he didn’t care anymore (but secretly did care because what was wrong with him that love for him was even conditional in the first place) is struggling being thrust into this father position. He loves Harry to death. He wants to be the best father he can be. He would die a thousand deaths for this kid. But he’s so unsure of how to do the small things like playing because it wasn’t like his parents ever got to his level and played with him. He’s learning as he goes. Meanwhile, Marlene grew up loved and her parents played with her and she was allowed to be a person. So her nurturing and playful side comes easier with Harry than it does with Sirius. It’s really these little nuances I like to think about and write about.

Because of the prophecy, Harry was sheltered. I do think in canon he was locked up in Godric’s Hollow and only had contact with a select few people. So I think from a very young age, he had apprehension around strangers or people not around him often. This is highlighted in Alpenglow where Remus tries to tend to Harry while Sirius comforts Marlene. Harry doesn’t know Remus well enough to be alone with him. He’s sobbing and clinging to Sirius. Sirius, naturally, snaps at Remus and buckles down on how he can take care of both Harry and Marlene which ensues a fight between them.

In Alew, Harry is meeting so many new people in so many new places. He’s a shell of the kid he once was. I wanted to write at least those two one-shots of what Harry was like before Halloween (Alpenglow and Redamancy). He was a happy, cuddly, playful child. As much as Sirius is learning the nuances of being the best father he can be, Harry is also learning how cruel the world can truly be as he’s exposed to more and more. While Harry is loved and happy with Blackinnon, he misses his parents and has nightmares about Halloween and is more reserved than he once was. I often think about how none of that would ever go away or get better if he was the Dursleys. There would be no healing. But with Blackinnon, he had the opportunity to heal and grieve and cling to the two people he knows best after his parents.

I like to think about how this Harry would be different than canon Harry. How would a Harry who was loved and grew up with loving parents be versus an abused and neglected Harry at the Dursleys. It completely fascinates me. Because Harry wouldn’t have hesitated to tell his godparents about the three-headed dog or suspecting Snape jinxing his broom. He would have told them all about the Chamber of Secrets and hearing the basilisk and the kids being petrified. They would be highly involved and not dismissing Harry. So how would things turn out different?? It’s all so fascinating as I go back and forth on how I want things to play out later in the series.

While I love me stay-at-home dad Sirius, I could totally see him wanting to be on the board of governors once Harry starts school and being highly involved with Hogwarts because he’s highly protective of the people he loves. Obtaining Sirius’ love is hard. But once you wrestle your way through his defenses, he loves fiercely and he’d die for you.

Anyway, I think I digressed. I am long-winded. But I do hope to change your mind about Ginny as well as Hinny. They are ultimately my OTP. I love their dynamics and how well they fit together. I personally find Ginny hilarious and I love writing the Weasley family dynamics.

As for how you discovered me, I know exactly who was talking about me on Reddit. They’ve done so a lot in the past and have attacked other Hinny writers as well. I find it very ironic that I can’t say anything negative about Hermione but they can openly bash Ginny. Honestly, I didn’t hate Hermione before. She wasn’t my favorite character and I always kind of had her lingering in the background. If you read the Moments in Time series, you can see that. She’s there but not a major focal point. There is background Romione because that is my canon-light universe (I say canon-light because Hinny raises Teddy and Ron never quits the Aurors so there’s a few minor canon changes). Nobody would have guessed I disliked Hermione in those stories.

But people like the one who ranted about me on Reddit really made me hate her character. I would get annoyed because multiple people wanted Hermione more involved in the MIT series. They wanted her to be perfect and solve all the issues and be utilized more. I didn’t want to do that. I liked Harry and Ron being besties and solving crimes together and being the ones to solve the problems for once. I am a massive Ron fan, just FYI. It got to a point where I just killed her off in the last story of the MIT series in a now-deleted story because I couldn’t take all the chatter surrounding her character because I never set out to write a story or series about Hermione.

But I know this person says I bash Hermione in my writing. I really don’t. I think bashing is lazy writing. I do, however, tells stories through multiple POVs. Their feelings towards other characters shines through. I always write a very contentious relationship between Sirius and Dumbledore until they can find their common ground and work together. I’ve been told I’ve bashed Dumbledore in my stories before. But really, I haven’t. I like a nice gray Dumbledore. But through Sirius’ eyes, he is critical and there is little love. Meanwhile, in the same chapter, you’ll have Remus singing Dumbledore’s praises because there is already established respect there. In my now-deleted story, Romione was getting a divorce because they grew apart. Ginny was critical of Hermione and siding with her brother (obviously) when the divorce was announced. In the same POV, Ron defends Hermione because that’s the mother of his children. So, I do write realistic relationships where not everyone gets along and not every character likes every other character. But I don’t really consider this bashing. I find it refreshing when characters have different thoughts and feelings and are unique.

So when I started the Petrichor series, I planned to ease Hermione out of the story. Essentially, Sirius doesn’t die in the DOM nor do Harry and co even go to the DOM because he is reminded of the mirror by Ginny. So Harry is bitter towards Hermione trying to get him to stop leaving to save Sirius (his only family left) even though she’s right. He doesn’t want to be told I told you so. He keeps his distance. Then, that summer, Hermione never goes to stay with them because of a failed attack on Grimmauld. So when they reunite in September at school and Hermione is weary of Marlene being back with an altered memory, Harry doesn’t want to hear it. He’s stubborn because he feels like he’s finally found a family and doesn’t want to hear Hermione’s concerns. Even if they’re valid. They have a POA-style fight where they are distant. Meanwhile, in the same story, Ginny doesn’t have the best relationship with Marlene. There’s some distrust and space between them that’s hard to fill. But Ginny never tells Harry about any of it. She just tries to move on because she knows that relationship is important to Harry. So there is a stark contrast between the two girls and how they handle things with Harry. Ginny understands Harry in a way Hermione doesn’t.

In the Synodic series, Hermione isn’t going to befriend Harry and Ron at Hogwarts. Because I don’t feel like writing her anymore. But I’m not going to go out of my way to bash her. I don’t care enough about her to bash her.

Anyway, I know I went off on some tangents but that’s what I do here. I’m glad rants about me made you intrigued enough to see what my writing is actually all about. I am glad his attempts to make me leave the fandom have fallen on deaf ears. I hope you stick around and have some fun. If not, that’s okay too.

[odd-g0ul]

Hii so I got this question, and maybe it's better if I clarified this so you understand the characters a little bit more. The question was about their mental health, I won't spoil anything for the other characters yet, but here is a rundown of the fronnie fam + Spring (cause they played a big role in the last story)

-Spring showed signs of Covert/Vulnerable Narcissism. Characterized by: lack of empathy, passive-aggressiveness, entitlement, resentment, insecurity, low self-esteem, abusive/manipulative tendencies, and depression. People with narcissistic tendencies can also "mirror" or mimic people they are close to, and can grow obsessively dependent on someone. This also explains their eyes "going black" ("Narcissist Eyes") when they're angry. This disorder is genetic, and they were likely born with it or developed it very early in life. There is no cure to these disorders, and therapy has a very low success rate.

-Bonnie had form of PTSD in the Apocalypse AU because it made most sense with his story, but he doesn't in any other scenario, that was just for the one story. Bonnie does, however, suffer from a mild form of BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). This is characterized by intense/rapid mood swings, difficulty regulating emotions, extreme emotional sensitivity, feelings of emptiness, fear of abandonment, high risk of substance abuse, difficulty maintaining stable relationships. Unlike narcissism, this is not a genetic disorder but is caused by trauma early on. Similar to Narcissism, there is no medicine or real treatment for this, besides self-accountability and therapy. Thankfully, Bonnie was given help when he was a young adult, so he can manage his symptoms well enough, though he still has challenges, as you've seen.

-Freddy has a strong generalized anxiety disorder. This is the root behind his overprotective behaviors, constant worrying/fear, needing to be in control of every situation, and need to fix problems right away. This can cause intense fear and distress when separated from their loved ones, and they constantly feel a sense of danger. He is also on the Autism spectrum, and he has trouble understanding tone and communication, struggles with socializing, and also has a subset of asexuality, (specifically demisexuality), which is why he puts so much energy and love into Bonnie, and never shows interest in anyone else. His anxiety is linked to his autism, which makes him grow overwhelmed easily. He also suffers from a form of PTSD due to his early homelife, though he does not have vivid flashbacks. Instead, he has: major gaps in his memory and experiences headaches, sweating, and even panic attacks when reminded of past events. This also worsens his anxiety symptoms, which is what makes him so overprotective and hovering. This is also due to a need to control every situation, since he lacked any control or protection growing up. Protecting his family and friends helps him feel like he has power and control, which is why he is so obsessive about it. He does have issues controlling his temper, and he is often the first one to raise his voice or yell in arguments, having grown used to it from living with his abusive and controlling father. Like Bonnie, he has seeked help and learned how to regulate these issues before having kids, but they don't ever go away.

-Gregory is still young, and grew up in a mostly stable, loving household, so he is fairly healthy. He does struggle with OCD, which is why he constantly feels the need to help his parents, has compulsive thoughts and acting, avoidance to anything that triggers obsessions, difficulty sleeping and regulating emotions, and feelings of anxiety. He was born with this and inherited it from both of his parents.

-Daisy is even younger, with little experience to the outside world, and living in a stable, loving household. Her only struggle is autism, though not in its traditional form. She inherited it from Freddy but is higher on spectrum and less functioning than he is. She has difficulty understanding boundaries and social cues, issues with talking too fast and too much, hyper-social behavior, easily bored, difficulty regulating energy, and problems with learning.

This is a rundown of it, and I hope it helps you understand these characters better/explains their flaws and behaviors better!

[amidst-wonderland]

as someone who grew up in a household of abuse and adored my piece of shit dad, who was far too old for my mother, with a thirteen year age gap, people hating priscilla because lisa marie didn’t want to see her father portrayed that way need to get a fucking grip.

i was in lisa’s position once, my dad was my hero and i adored him, resented my mother for leaving him and our home. so it took me to fourteen - even with the witnessed physical abuse in my childhood - to realise just how awful he was.

elvis died when lisa was nine and when she was nine she idolised her dad, like most little girls do - naturally being elvis this was exacerbated because the world loved him too - and so he perpetually remained that way.

welcome to children of narcissistic boomer domestic abusers 101: we’re allowed to be conflicted over our own flesh and blood. your takes defending creepy men you don’t know are fucking weird.

your feelings on a pedo, doesn’t change the fact he’s a pedo. regardless of what priscilla did or didn’t do.

[anne-bsd-bibliophile]

Emotional triggers are crazy. I just figured out today that just telling someone "no" immediately makes me nervous and I prepare myself to be yelled at, blamed, ridiculed, etc. I realize now that being raised by a narcissistic father who was emotionally/verbally abusive and had to have everything his way caused me to be scared of telling someone "no."

For example, something as simple as being asked "Do you have Diet Dr. Pepper?" When I have to tell them "No, all I have is Diet Coke for diet drinks," it scares me half to death. But when someone asks, "What sodas do you have?" it is so much easier for me to answer. Then I feel like I can be helpful and try to find something they like instead of have to tell them I don't have their favorite drink.

I get that most people probably won't take it out on me when I don't have what drink they want. But I grew up in a household where if I told my father that something wasn't his way or that things hadn't turned out how he had hoped I knew I would be blamed and he would do whatever he could to push the blame on me:

I, a five year old at the time, wanted to eat the fudge that I bought with the money I earned? But my father does so much for me and it is selfish not to share with him.

My sister came home after curfew? Well, if I had been a better older sister she wouldn't feel the need to rebel like that.

I don't like to eat cereal because I hate milk? But liking cereal with milk is normal and I can't possibly be abnormal so my father forced me to sit at the table until I had eaten every bit of cereal and drank every drop of milk in the bowl. (I found out years later that I'm lactose intolerant and that's why I hated milk so much growing up.)

I couldn't respond to a text right away because I was at work? Well my father was paying for my phone at the time so I had to answer right away or else he would threaten to disconnect it.

I wanted to tell my family about my day at dinner? But my sister had so much to say and my father didn't want me taking up her valuable time boring her by talking about my day.

My mom took me out to lunch? My father couldn't afford for my mom to be taking me out to eat and I must be trying to get her to divorce him. It was only okay for my father to take people out to lunch, and that's only if they "treated him right" and "deserved for him to pay for their food."

I like watching anime? Then that must be why I can't get a date and I must be watching hentai or (heaven forbid) I must be lesbian because otherwise I'd find a nice religious boy to marry and I wouldn't have time for things like anime.

I wouldn't agree with him that detox baths would literally suck fat cells from his body and make him lose weight? Well, I was a disrespectful daughter and my father threatened to never let me see my mom again.

After growing up in a situation where it was normal for me to be blamed and criticized for every little thing I did, it became a natural response for me to try to anticipate what people around me want to hear and want me to do. If I do or say anything "wrong" then I prepare myself for immediate and severe emotional punishment because that's what I grew up with constantly. I automatically assume everything I do is "wrong" until I realize no punishment has come, and then I can breathe a sigh of relief and hope that I did something right.

That's why dealing with people is so exhausting. That's why my social anxiety is so bad. I hadn't realized until this evening why I'm always so tense and nervous. I was talking to someone about weird habits we have from childhood that helped us survive in tough situations when it hit me that I say "yes" and try to please people to survive. That's why I relate to Yozo in No Longer Human so much: I'm terrified of humans, too. Only instead of playing the clown and trying to make them laugh, I'm trying to please them and make them happy so they won't get mad at me.

[purplemys]

Clay Puppington and Cameron Campbell vs. Endeavor : Why I Like Their Character Writing and Not The Latter's

Clay from Moral Orel and Campbell from Camp Camp are from opposite ends of my Shitty Person Character spectrum.

My spontaneously-made scale for these characters include Disgusting But Interesting - Sympathetic (The Golden Area of my Morally Gray Characters) - Entertaining Scumbag.

Disgusting But Interesting

Clay is about as realistic as abusers come. He wasn't born evil, he isn't some spawn of hell, but he's definitely portrayed as a monster. The thing with Clay is that he's an abuse victim. His childish act of rebellion caused his mother to have a heart attack and since then his father resented him for what happened. His substitute for love is physical abuse. It's how he grew up, it's how his brain coped. And he knows this. He knows he's fucked up, he said so many times throughout the show, he's very aware of what his issues are and how to stop it.

You would think a character like Clay (sympathetic, realistic, self-aware) is a prime candidate for redemption and reconciliation with his family, esp Orel, his kind and forgiving son, yes? No. The ending, while somewhat rushed gave me such a good feeling. Orel didn't have to keep his father in his life to be "a kind and forgiving" person. Orel got to live happily ever after with Christina and break the long cycle of abuse which neither Clay nor Bloberta (the wife) broke once they got out of their abusive households. Orel honored his parents by keeping their photos in the new house, next to photos of his brothers who were equally abused and went on to be good people.

That's the main point with Clay, the conclusion to his and Orel's relationship, because this father-son dynamic is the main plot of the show. Anyway, back to Clayduring the entire show's run. Season 1 put a bit of a comedic spin on the scenes where Clay was threatening to beat Orel while he was drunk, to reflect how Orel saw the situation and the world in general, his mind wasn't registering the awful shit going around him yet, esp about his father. As the show goes on, the abuse dawns on Orel eventually. But we as the audience were always supposed to take the punishments very seriously, to see the alcohol, the belt and the twisted lectures Clay gave and immediately think "Abuse". None of that "Twisted form of care/love". None of that "It's a mistake". None of that "It's just how he is." The show makes it clear that this is abuse and this is a choice and he knows it.

Which is why he was never redeemed.

Entertaining Scumbag

Cameron Campbell doesn't really have a sad backstory like Clay but he gets to have a chance at a redemption arc in Season 3 and 4. I just find him to be entertaining as a side character. His list of crimes mean little in a show that's full of very violent or selfish characters (most of which are kids). The characters talk trash about him too. Only one of them really gives him a chance to change (Yes, the kindest of characters, my favorite, David). They even make it a point in the episode "Keep the Change", Campbell would never be able to change for the better because he's selfish through and through. Was Max (the protagonist) right about his assumption?

Well you see, Campbell in that episode when repeatedly urged by David to do good, he kept slipping back into his selfish and narcissistic ways. Like wanting to only give to charity for adoration and fame. All that. David rightfully calls him out for that. That's another thing, they repeatedly give him shit for the things he say or do, to make up for the lack of legal consequences for his crimes.

(One day I hope the thing with Jasper gets resolved though. It was an accident but the fact that Campbell was being negligent was another thing. That being said, another kid died in Gwen and David's care too. Talk about off-screen negligence.)

Anyway, "After Hours" shows Campbell for the first time without Gwen or David telling him what to do or how to run his own goddamn camp. The first glimpse of him doing nice things without thinking much about them. The plotline with Campbell ends with this cute scene here.

When David saw them and woke them up, he was likely about to compliment Campbell about how good he handled the situation or whatever, but Campbell cut him off and started complaining about the campers and grumbled about getting some sleep. Good, I don't want to hear another sappy speech about Campbell! It was a nice episode overall. :)

So that's the main point about Campbell. How the characters act around him.

Now about his backstory, as a contrast to Clay's. Campbell is selfish. Greedy. Self-absorbed. An asshole. Campbell used to have friends, a girlfriend, and a stable job. He was so good at his job that he was eligible for a Camp Corporation(?) Magazine at some point. Point is, he had it all and his greediness made him lose all of that. And he definitely wasn't getting any of that back.

The fame went to his old friends, Camp Corp. founders the Campwells, since he was always in hiding because tax evasion and other crimes. He can't have his camp back because he went to jail and his new punishment is to surrender his funds and services to David, who he wasn't respecting before being knocked down a few pegs. Lastly, when he and his girlfriend reunited and he asked if they could "pick up where they left off", she rightfully called him out for that being such a shit thing to ask after 17 years apart. They banged in the end of that episode but the rest was up to interpretation until maybe Season 5 (if ever).

So his redemption is funny and definitely not giving him things easy since it's not like he has the things he always wanted: Fame, Money, and Control.

Endeavor and Why I Just Hate Seeing Him On Screen and Why The Decision to Redeem Him is Ridiculous and If He's Simply "Atoning", then everything else surrounding this plot is Confusing

I think a lot of you already know this by now but I'm Filipino and from an abusive household. Our culture is all about community. The majority over the individual.

Abusers get away scot-free unless... you broadcast it to everyone. The radio, the television, to anywhere and everyone who will pay attention. What Dabi did was the only way to give his abuser some semblence of repercussions since his family surely wasn't going to do it. Because here's the thing, E slur wasn't just some random jackass breadwinner. He is an authority figure, with wealth to top it off. He had everything in his disposal to manipulate things in his favor.

Like bro, even then, even when everyone in the neighborhood knows your situation, no one is still going to step in because the decisions ultimately lie within the family. And they (my family) sure aren't going to do something because "This is just how things are" "This is how the matriarch is" "This is how our family deals with it"

I wouldn't be upset with E slur not getting legal repercussions if it's clear that the entire family straight up hate his guts and not even bother to associate with him in any way. None of this forced family dinners, none of this getting the family to talk to him. None of this Rei and Fuyumi giving him a chance. None of this invasion of space and boundaries (like hugging Natsuo or acquiring Shouto's number from Fuyumi, and if she gave it willingly, I find that uncomfortable).

Sometimes, we just live in resentment and no one here is happy because we simply can't. How can you when your entire existence revolves around a dream your parents never got or a life they never lived? Who can forgive when your very life hinges upon how useful and cooperative you are? That your presence only matters when you're not a burden? Because I sure can't.

I can't imagine if they were actual authority figures that will double the pressure on you because they have the media monitoring your entire family~

So how about the opposite? What if the family is indeed willing to give the selfish, extremely abusive, egotistical asshole a chance? (Not Natsuo, never him) Then why not have the media absolutely hound him. Have his coworkers scorn him, yes even Hawks who looked up to him and supported him. Have the entire world look at him and his entire posse with distrust, all of them. And the end of all this? Lose his hero license.

He can't have both.

Hell, he doesn't deserve either.

But if the narrative insists, then I'd rather he be a social outcast, esp by his own family.

Now about how he's treated within the story, you have all these characters pointing out how he's better, less of an asshole, "a changed man". Camp Camp did this for ONE episode. Because this is annoying. The man doing the bare minimum is so laughably sad. Especially all this was before the reveal of the abuse. And after the reveal, nothing. Crickets from the people who know of it. Those who do talk help nothing for this plot, like Hawks for example. 😬

It's important to note that Campbell is to David like E slur was to Keigo. Except Campbell and David did meet 14 years ago when he was 10.

The thing is though, that David grows out of this parasocial relationship with Campbell throughout the seasons. Hawks lately is Endeavor-san this Endeavor that, shut up. Jesus Christ. Like I know admiration. I know obsessive. It's not a cute look when you're 23 and supposed to be self-aware it is painful to watch unfold. Because I think a reveal like your idol (not even a friend) being such a scumbag can't have a Denial/Slow Burn Breakdown Reaction. And if the "It may be true but...I'm sure it's not like that anymore." is the final reaction/acknowledgement then 1) I've heard that before from irl 2) How are you SURE? Some random not-even-close-with-any-of-the-victims outsider? 3) Beyond underwhelming.

😬

Back to E slur, they never should have tried to give this man attention of any kind. He doesn't have a sympathetic background (not that I'd want him to) so he doesn't have anything to relate to. Yes, the """"inferiority complex"""" maybe but not everyone has the wealth and power at their disposal to buy a wife and coerce her to make children-

So he's not relatable, he's heinous, we're supposed to take his crimes seriously, so he's not even entertaining what else? He's doing a good job of atoning for his mistakes? He's a massive invasion of boundaries and that is uncomfortable.

1) Him giving Rei her favorite flowers.

My brother gave me a nice gesture once. Made me cry and everything. Wanna know why? Because this is the same dude who used to beat me with a broom stick! :D

Yes, abusers can do nice things omg shocker, do they deserve to get within 10 feet of you and then leave you presents, maybe even at an attempt at asking for forgiveness? Hell no. God that's spine-chlling. Because it could be genuine, and no one deserves to feel like they owe someone that kindness and forgiveness.

2) Him suddenly hugging Natsuo without regard for how Natsuo would react.

This is after years of neglect and subjecting him to domestic violence. This is him touching him just because, what, he was "scared of losing him"? Your child was just as likely to die from getting neglected or sheer stress and you're only worried now? Laughable and quite pathetic! I personally don't like getting grabbed without my consent, esp if it's someone who's hurt me before. Mother may have never hit me but I know what it feels like to be threatened. She gets mad when I get mad at her for suddenly grabbing me every now and then. I explicitly told her I hate getting physical. I'd hate to think how E slur would have reacted if Natsuo had the reaction time to flinch or shake him off. Again, uncomfortable.

3) Getting Shouto's number then bombarding him with messages.

If your kids don't want to talk to you, maybe stop pestering them? Maybe stop being such a nuisance? Maybe stop inserting yourself in their life whenever you can because you feel entitled to a chance? Or maybe get to know your kid first and that being he doesn't talk much to begin with so knock it off.

Again, if they never should have made him try. And if they insist, not like this.

My Aight Im tired. Goodnight.

[all-that-is-gold-is-now-gone]

The Ottos vs The Pazzi {Part 1}

Let's compare and contrast these complicated and dysfunctional families, shall we?

There will be a cut below this, but just a fair warning, this post will discuss spoilers of both shows, and it will also discuss abuse and death. Now I know these two families are very different, given one is fictional and one is not, and they are from different eras and yes, I know, but also I think they are more similar than we think and these thoughts have been rolling around in my head for a while. I will be using the Pazzi family as they appear in the Netflix show not historically. Disclaimer, these are my thoughts you don’t have to share them

Enjoy

So, to start this off, let's start by comparing the 'householders' of these two families, as terrible as they may be.

Jeremiah vs Jacopo

I think we can all agree, that these two are narcissistic assholes who screwed over their kids. Like, who let either of these people be a parent? No one should ever be left in their care, especially not children. These two are abusers and just, no.

Both these men are horrific, and I honestly don’t know who I hate more. 

I think Jacopo certainly scared me more than Jeremiah. Both were terrible people, and both abused their kids. But Jacopo was smart, he was politically adapt and he knew what he was doing. So he was much more terrifying to me.

Jeremiah didn’t scare me, he just pissed me off. This is not to say that I don’t think Jeremiah wasn’t scary to people around him. He terrified his son(s), and to an extent the people on the ranch because they never intervened on Troy’s behalf even though they all knew what Jeremiah was. So Jeremiah did have power, power out of fear, but that was all he had. Jacopo also inspired fear of course, but he was also a politician he knew how to talk people into siding with him, getting into their heads, and so on, like he does with Francesco. 

I think these two men also use their abuse differently.

Both Jeremiah, and Jacopo physically, emotionally and mentally abuse Troy and Francesco. But I think at one point, Jacopo stops physically abusing Francesco when he gets older. I also think that Jacopo uses his abuse to beat Francesco into submission. His abuse wouldn’t be mindless, it would be when Francesco slips up, does something Jacopo doesn’t like, and so Francesco then learns how to be the 'perfect son’, the perfect heir and tool for Jacopo to use.

Jeremiah, I don’t think was this meticulous in his abuse, and his physical abuse of Troy did not stop when Troy grew up, it continued. Which I think feeds into Troy’s hatred for his father, whereas, Francesco does not ever outrightly hate Jacopo, and even goes back to him in the end.

Jacopo thought his abuse through, it was planned and meticulous. Jeremiah just abused as his emotions and drinking dictated. Francesco was given a guideline to follow and a standard to measure up to, to stop the physical abuse, but Troy was not. Troy could act one way and get hit, learn from that, and act another way and still get hit, which may have contributed to Troy’s erratic behavior. A behavior that you don’t see in Francesco as much. 

Jacopo beat Francesco into submission. Jeremiah beat Troy because he was a drunk and in all honesty needed to let his anger out and for whatever twisted reason, chose to take that out on Troy. Jacopo's abuse probably does eventually stop, because Jacopo needs Francesco to obey him, fear him to a point, but not resent him. Jeremiah's abuse does not stop and I think at some point this causes Troy to turn against Jeremiah, he's done.

Both these men work to build something that they hope to last throughout the ages, and both are responsible for the fall of what they have built. Jacopo has a direct hand in ending his own line and house, and Jeremiah's own sons end his legacy and what he built (as they should).

Both these men also shut their children off from the world, you see it when Jeremiah pulls Troy out of the school and keeps him on the ranch, Jacopo totally shuts Francesco away from anyone and everything he didn't agree with (will talk more about this under the Troy and Francesco section).

[maylorscardigan]

I love your theories on Taylor’s writing. Do you think the subconscious is also a big thing with Matty? There’s a lot of parallels with their music.

I love how you handled that anon. I don’t know why but I laughed harder than I should’ve

you have an MBA and are working on your Ph.D in psych. That is an interesting combination. Please explain how you came around to doing that.

1. Subconscious is definitely a big thing with all writers so of course that’s the deal with Matty. If we look at the theory of twin flames… this makes that whole thing even more apparent

2. Hahaha. I wrote that pretty much when I woke up before coffee or food so… I am not a morning person. Especially when I don’t sleep well the night before. I blame the adhd lol

3. I’ve been told that more than once.

Psychology is my love. My true love. I grew up in a household with a mentally ill mother, which was made worse with a severe head injury after being hit by a car and who struggled with alcoholism. I also grew up with a covert narcissistic father. I have my own fair share of struggles, naturally, and I am so passionate about the human mind. Especially now that psychology is more about the neuroscience of it all now then it’s ever been. The human mind is a brilliant puzzle.

That being said - I love analyzing things and finding the why to it all. Or explaining music / books etc through psychology. English was my favourite subject growing up and I used to be a good writer so digging into that is so much fun. However - doing something like counselling full time would drain me and my passion for it.

In business - i am incredibly good with it. Need it be management or marketing or operations. Not accounting. I am good at it but it kills my will to live. Psychology is very heavily wrapped into management and marketing. My specialty is consumer behaviour - so sitting back and watching what happened with Taylor and the fans… it’s wild to me and why it irks me that they think taylor is hiding in shame because of the Matty situation. But that’s another story. Back in my MBA schooling days… I actually wrote a thesis about consumer behaviour and the parasocial relationship one has with celebrities. Eminem, boy band culture and Taylor came up a lot in it. As a result of being specialized in marketing, my back ground in psychology - I work in PR as a career and I help run a handful of businesses. I do therapy part time in an online capacity and work with trafficking victims who have escaped from industries like 🌽 AND (and this surprises a lot of people considering I work with sex trafficking victims) with 🌽 addicts. That’s the main focus but I also work with abuse victims who have crossed paths with narcissists, particularly covert narcissists. But as I said before - psychology can be completely exhausting. Without business I would have lost my mind… er I lost that decades ago… okay I would have given it up a long time ago.

It sounds like a lot considering I have a 13 year old in sports and still in school but when it’s balanced out - it’s not actually that bad. I have a good support system which helps a great deal.

[rosestthorns]

So like, I've been going through a lot lately and I've made some revelations about who I am as a person and where I want to go. But I had an experience tonight I wanted to talk about, maybe for my own sake, maybe because it could help others escape their abusive situations. Either way

Fair warning, I'm going to be talking about narcissistic parents, abuse, and suicide below the cut.

I drove through my old neighborhood tonight. Typically I'd avoid the place like the plague but, a lot's happened recently. I talked to my therapist about some of the phrases and words that were used to abuse and neglect me.

The reason I drove through is because my parents sold my childhood home. The house i grew up in. The place was a mess, even before I escaped... But now it's just a hollow rotting shell of what it was. I drove through just to see if it had been torn down yet, it hadn't.

I got this awful feeling as I drove through that neighborhood. Coming into the turn to the main street. So many drives came flooding back, so many powerful feelings... As I drove down the road I remembered the many times I'd sit at work after I got out for over an hour cause I didn't want to come home. I remembered the nights when I'd turn onto the street and drive as slowly as possible because I heard my father was in a bad mood, and I didn't want to be the one who set off that bomb. I remember the nights sitting in the driveway after I got a text saying that my father and sister had a fight. And knowing as soon as I walked in I was gonna catch strays left and right.

Afternoons walking back from the bus stop when I was in highschool, so hungry I was weak. Only to come home and eat like a starving dog and get screamed at for it. Days where I needed a ride to something and I didn't want to ask because it would inconvenience my father. Long walks with a bad report card in my bag, just knowing the absolute verbal shit kicking i was going to get.

I crested the hill right before the house. Seeing it sitting, in shambles. The back porch with the flood light on illuminating the abandoned deck furniture. The rusted snowblower sitting right by the stairs that led to the back yard.

That's when the realization hit me, that's when the feeling I got, all those emotions came to a head. The place where I grew up, and the place I escaped from, are two very different places... This neighborhood, once filled with color, kids running amok with each other and having fun, late night bonfires in back yards or stumbling down the street to help people get home... Those are all memories I took with me... Those are all memories showered in the glow of something that never was. The reality was sitting right there. Right in front of me as I sat for a moment in my car.

The reality was it was an abusive household. It was from the start. The pleasant fog of memories couldn't cloud what was standing right in front of me. A kingdom of garbage with a throne of beer cans that had long since been abandoned. That entire neighborhood is just a monument to the pain I went through...

Nights where I spent hours in my room, wondering what was wrong with me. Wondering why I was struggling so hard. Forced to struggle with disabilities I didn't know I had, because they had been ignored and denied by my parents.

Nights where I was wondering whether or not it was all worth living for, suffering in a deafening silence. Afraid to reach out and ask for help, because I was conditioned to believe no one wanted to help. And that needing help was an inconvenience to others. They aren't always going to be around to help me after all, I needed to learn how to do it myself.

Days where my father would trash the place and demand my sister and I cleaned it because "God forbid your mother lift a finger." Days where he'd plan house work and wait till the last minute to tell anyone, so he could yell at us for not telling him our plans.

All those weeks during summer lost, all those weeks during fall and winter lost. All because I was the only one moving wood for our wood stove. Getting the verbal beating of my life for not moving it before winter.

All the drunken and crossfaded promises that were never kept, all the times I was made to feel lesser for making a mistake or not doing something the way HE wanted it done.

The place I grew up and the place I escaped were the same. It's just the perspective that's different.

The bright kid who didn't know anything different. And the adult, who's working on healing the wounds.

The funny thing about abuse, especially my childhood abuse, is that I never realized there was anything else. It was just.. normal. Especially with everyone within my friend group. A lot of people suffering through abusive households, a lot of people dealing with narcissistic parents. It just reinforces that idea of "oh yeah that's normal".

I never really thought to speak up about my abuse, I saw and heard about what other people went through. Comparatively I thought they had it a lot worse, so I didn't think I had any right to speak up too much about my situation.

I never realized I was being abused, I just thought that's how you treat the people you care about. So that's how I started to treat people, especially once I got into highschool. I mean if my parents were yelling screaming and hitting me, but they still say they love me. Then doesn't that mean *that's* what love is?

The answer is no, no it's not.

I was so shitty to so many people I loved. So many of the friends I cared about, I just parroted back what my parents had done to me. And it felt fucking awful, no amount of control over people can compare to the feeling of a loved one grabbing your hand and reminding you that you don't have to suffer alone.

A lot changed when I realized I was trans. I realized that "Normal" isn't always good. I realized that some people say they love you, only in an effort to get you to be complacent. Some people treat you like an animal, like a dog meant to be trained and to obey commands. Getting a slap on the nose or my face stuffed into a mistake. Some people say they love you, when they really mean they own you.

I spent 27 years of my life locked in the bedroom at the end of the hall. 27 years of being told I'm too loud. 27 years of being told no one cares about the stories I'd been enjoying or the friends I enjoyed them with. 27 years of wondering if I'm worth anything. 27 years of pain and suffering at the hands of a sad feeble old man. 27 years I shouldn't have had to go through. 27 years lost almost entirely to a single bullet... 28 years that I've survived to tell the tale.

The cracks in that void, that memory of the place I grew up, started to show a view of the actual place I had lived. The ruined broken home I came from. There were a number of things that came together to allow my sister and I to escape. The biggest of which was my grandmother. My mother had to leave and live with my grandmother. To take care of her, because she was dying and couldn't take care of herself anymore.

That buffer, between my father my sister and I, was now gone. My sister and I were now taking the full brunt of my father's bullshit. He had no one to preform for anymore. So the act stopped, he ditched the mask entirely and showed us who he really was. With that an opening started to form, as his abuse was more blatant and obvious. Him seeing my sister and I as his lessers was never made more obvious. And the entire house looked and smelled like it had been abandoned for years.

The final push came with a cancer scare. I had gotten some news that a spot was found in my lungs. It thankfully turned out to be nothing, but it was what pushed me over the edge. After my second X-ray I sat in my car and sobbed. My best friend called me and saw the state I was in. Knowing my situation he didn't give me an option, "come over, please?" I wasn't in a position to argue. I went back to the house, collected myself for a moment,and gathered some stuff for overnight.

I lived in his apartment for over a year, sleeping in their living room. Him and his wife are by far some of the kindest people I've ever met, and the best friends I could ever ask for. They're part of the family I chose.

But after talking through options, a week passes, we stage a "conversation".

The issue was, my mother forced us to give him warning. Which gave him time to butter her up.

What happened that day was a complete and total mess. I set some simple boundaries: We aren't gonna yell, we aren't gonna cuss, and we aren't going to interrupt each other. These are the rules set out any time the family I chose has an issue we need to discuss. He rolled his entire god damn head at me, and then proceeded to break every single one of my boundaries, to the point where I actually said "you interrupt me again and I'm leaving".

Not that he had another opportunity to interrupt me, because he went on an unhinged rant. A man who lost control and was grasping at anything he could to regain control. Anything he could lord over us to reinsure our complacency. He looked me in the eyes and told me he never abused me. That's the moment I decided I didn't want to hear anything else he had to say.

I stood up and gave him an ultimatum. I told him "I'm done, I'm not doing this anymore. If you ever want to speak to me again, you're going to stop drinking and go to therapy."

He scoffed at me and shrugged it off, like I'd come crawling back to him some day. My mother went on an unhinged rant because she was overwhelmed with her world literally falling apart in her lap. And then my sister and I left.

I haven't spoken to my father and I haven't spent any meaningful time in that house since 2023. I've changed so much in the past 2 years alone, and he's stayed the same. I get some updates from my mother upon occasion. It's almost funny that he's so self absorbed that even after all that time. Even after everything, and even with him knowing I'm on my own and stable. He's baffled that I'm still not talking to him.

With so much change, self discovery, and learning what it means to live a life that you're happy in. To come back and see this place, feel the unwelcoming energy.

The varnish is gone, the wood is cracked and faded.

The years of neglect and lack of upkeep have left this place a rotting pile of wood

The place where I grew up and the place I escaped may look different, but they aren't.

27 years I spent there, 27 years of normal, 27 years of the same abuse day in and day out.

28 years and the place I escaped hasn't changed at all.

[apathetic-dry-rot]

Risky post but I'm writing to work through some childhood trauma n shit & I need to dump it somewhere

tw: for like, a bunch of my childhood trauma, mommy & daddy issues, mild kidnapping, stalking, mental abuse/gaslighting, mention of CSA

I wanna be a better person than the parents I had growing up.

roughly 800 words

My mother was born in the early 1980s under the stars of Gemini.

23 years later I was born under the stars of the Ram.

It was just me and her for years and years, and I like to think we could’ve had the relationship displayed by Lorelai and Rory Gilmore, but as I look back, I see it was much more complicated than that.

There’s fighting, arguments, absence, independence learned at too early of an age that upsets her, because I don't need her as much as she thinks I do now. 

But I am my mother’s child. I am stubborn, fierce, firm in my beliefs, and always willing to bend over backwards tenfold to take care of those closest to me.

My mother is also somewhat of a narcissist. If I do not bend to her every whim I am defiant. If I have a different viewpoint than her I am attacking her, and if I ask her opinion on something and then end up choosing the option she’d voted against I am deliberately oppositional with the means to undermine her. She needed to know my every move, every breath, every thought, to the point where she was threatening to install cameras in my bedroom.

But on the other hand, she’s also a relatively lenient mother. In her own way, she was fun to be around under certain circumstances. She let me speak relatively freely to her about topics like weed or my sex life. She’d let me drink alcohol on special occasions like holidays and sample her wine when she tried something new or even shared a bottle or two with me when we went on girl trips.

She was a single mother who was trying to make ends meet on her own.

And the man who was supposed to be my father was certainly of no help.

He was absent, a man who gaslit and manipulated me against my mother’s family and made me feel like an outsider to them simply because I am not blood family. He’d stalked my mother, claimed he wanted to make me ugly and unlovable so no man would ever want me (joke’s on him though, I grew to realize I’m gay), and has even threatened to kidnap me on multiple occasions, succeeding once (I’d gotten super sick and had to be taken to the ER, where they called my mother because I was on her insurance).

The man that I call my father today isn’t exactly the best either.

He’s very hot-and-cold with me, and favors his sons, often treating me as additional baggage that came with my mother when they got together.

I always get the sense that he kind of hates me or resents me for some reason. I don’t know if I’ll ever know why.

My childhood wasn’t the easiest; my innocence was stolen from me, I had a somewhat absent mother, a lack of any stable male authority figure that put effort into caring about me, and I never got to meet my biological parents. But it also wasn’t the worst childhood ever. There was always food on the table, I had plenty of toys and clothes, even if they were secondhand, and I never felt necessarily unloved.

I’ve grown to be better. I want to be a better parent and not have a glass wall between me and my future kids. I don’t want to be absent from their childhoods trying to provide for them and then try to rush to make up for lost time when they’re in their teens. I don’t want my kids to worry about if the psycho man who punched a hole through their mother’s door is going to try and come take them from her, or stay awake at night wondering why no father wants them as his child. I want them to grow up in a household filled with more love, laughter, and music than I did, and be able to crawl into bed next to me for comfort when they’ve had a bad day or a nightmare at any age. I want to teach them how to regulate and communicate their emotions so they don’t have to bottle them up until they explode or shut down. I don’t want my issues to become their issues, nor do I want them to become my own therapist when I should be there to lend an ear for them. I want to be the fun, cool, easy-going mom whose door is always open and shoulders or ears always available. I want my children to trust me and feel safe around me.

I want to do better.

I will do better.

My children will not go through what I did.

[tab-the-cabbit]

I'm tired of pretending that my grandpa was a saint. He was an absolutely horrible person.

I (26, NB) have taken quite a long time to get over my grandpa's passing away back in 2015. And as of last year, I have come to terms with it. As of this year, I have also come to terms that he was an abusive, controlling, narcissistic, manipulative piece of shit.

My grandpa used to spank me for every little thing that made him mad, even if I didn't know that what I was doing was wrong. The only reason he stopped spanking me was because I eventually grew stronger with time, and his strength faded with age.

My grandpa was severely homophobic. He would go into these fits of rage every time he saw any LGBTQIA+ person on TV, and rant about how they were ruining America. He even made fun of my grandma for watching "Ellen", because Ellen was a lesbian, which prompted my grandma to not watch the show anymore. It was also said that the last time he saw his youngest brother, my grandpa got into a big fight with his youngest brother, because he had come out as gay shortly after their father died. He also threatened to shoot me if I ever came out as LGBTQIA+ when I was 11. Because of this (and my grandma's being a bible thumper, since my grandpa was an atheist), I don't plan on coming out as bisexual until after my grandma dies.

My grandpa was also VERY racist. When I was 6, I had picked up some Spanish from watching "Dora the Explorer", and from playing with other kids my age, who grew up in Spanish-speaking households. When we went to this Mexican buffet, I told the waitress "Thank you" in Spanish, and she actually had a big smile on her face when I thanked her in Spanish. My grandpa was really red in the face. He bent down to my level and whispered aggressively, "Young lady, we do NOT speak Spanish here. This is America. And here in America, we speak ENGLISH. I don't want to hear another word of Spanish come out of your stupid little mouth again." Suffice to say, I've had a tougher time learning Spanish than I did with Japanese.

My grandpa used to look at pretty girls on TV like a lecher. And then every time a gorilla walked on TV on the science channel, he'd point at it and be like, "Hey, look. It's your grandma."

When I was 6, I got into big trouble for bringing an imaginary friend to school. He ended up spanking me for it, and throwing away my favorite VCR tape as a punishment. And then when I was 8, I got spanked for singing "Pancakes, pancakes, eat 'em with a fork" on the school bus.

When I was 6, he yelled at me for telling a boy at Vacation Bible School that I had a big crush on that I wanted to marry him, and embarrassing the boy in the process. He told me off for being "stupid", and that if I did that again, I would be severely punished. This is why I only had 2 crushes during my teen years, and I can't bring up the courage to confess any feelings as an adult.

My grandpa wouldn't let me eat anything with a cartoon mascot when I was growing up, because "only spoiled brats eat those". (He was also diabetic due to the Agent Orange killing his pancreas, so I wasn't allowed to eat anything sugary or anything that appeared in a commercial during a Saturday morning cartoon.) Hence why I have wasted every dollar on any food with a cartoon mascot as an adult, and on Chuck E. Cheese's.

My grandpa often scolded me for getting any B's on my report card, claiming, "You could have gotten all A-pluses. You just don't try hard enough." And when I struggled with math, he'd get mad at me and be all, "This is what happens when you don't pay attention in school, and play stupid games on your stupid Game Boy all day." (I had a PS2 when I was a kid.)

At one point, when I was adamant about not helping him mix the concrete or starting a brush fire, proclaiming, "I'M NOT YOUR SLAVE!" He actually got super pissed, and yelled "GO GET FAT!" while kicking my butt to where I got knocked on the ground. That was the last time he laid his hands on me.

When my grandpa died, I was already living with my dad, who had taken full custody of me the year before. And living with my dad was just as hellish as living with my grandparents.

At first, I'd go into big bouts of depression, because I missed him greatly, and because my grandma was super miserable without him. But over time, and especially this year, I eventually came to my senses, and realized that my grandpa was an abusive prick, and that my grandma was just as bad for allowing him to abuse me like he did, just because it was "how he was raised".

Coming to those terms has brought me a lot of peace of mind, and has strengthened my resolve to move out as soon as possible.

As soon as I move out of my uncle and aunt's place, and get my cat from my grandma, I'm going limited contact with her, keeping in contact only through Facebook messenger, and only visiting twice a year, such as for Christmas and the Family Reunion held every second Sunday of July.

[cornerofhell]

How do you headcanon Chiffany met?

Ooooh alright.

TW! Mentions of religious trauma, abuse

So I actually had headcanons before the series, and here they are:

Charles Lee Ray (Chucky) grew up in a VERY abusive christian household. His father Louis Henry Ray was a literal father of the church, and his mother Carla Rachel Ray/Thorn stayed home and helped take care of him. Both abused him heavily growing up. Beating him, burning him and... strangling him to "get the devil out" for his "sins". The only friend Chucky had at the time was a boy named Eddie Caputo, and he didn't have it good either.

One fateful night, the night he turned 18, Chucky did his first kill, his own mother and father, strangling them both and dumping their corpses in the river. He forged a note saying they'd run off and since there were no bodies found, he couldn't be accused and was left to roam free... With murder on the mind.

Now Tiffany. Tiffany Delilah Valentine was born to Robert James Valentine and Josephine Violet Valentine/Rosewood out of a lavender marriage arranged by Robert's parents. They already had a daughter at the time, Donna, who Jo adored. Who she did not adore was Tiffany, who she never wanted. Jo was a narcissist perfectionist. She wanted the picture perfect family, one girl, one boy. Robert, though he hated it with her, didn't mind another child so they tried (uncomfortably) for a boy. Jo got pregnant and boom, Tiffany, the opposite of what she wanted "Once is a blessing, twice is a curse" after all. Robert was an amazing father and Tiffany's protector, loving both of his daughters very much. But then he died when Tiffany was 12 of a brain tumor, leaving her all alone with her bitch of a mother and sister who abused her constantly, verbally and sometimes even physically, when her mother didn't spew advice to "at least make you of use". Donna went on to become a magazine model, but Tiffany was different. Sure, she absolutely could walk runways, but she had always been into alternative things, and when she started accepting her alternative style, she dyed her hair from its dark brown to a blonde.

Now, how they met.

Chucky had been at a bar one day with Eddie, talking away before Eddie spotted his crazy ex girlfriend at the bar. He absolutely begged Chucky to go pay and Chucky, calling him a pussy, just took the money and walked to go pay. There, he saw a blonde in a skintight corset and skirt, sipping a cocktail and leaving a black lipstick print and pinching the bridge of her nose with nails painted as black as coal. Chucky obviously with his big ego, leaned over to talk to her. Tiffany looked up and was immediately struck when this man decided to talk to her.

They went back and forth, flirting and joking, before Tiffany began to write her number on a napkin- and then Josephine showed up. She walked up to Tiffany, whispering on how she was a whore and humiliating her and needed to come home. Chucky, who had recognized these tactics with his own family didn't like that too much.

So as he watched as Jo dragged a crying Tiffany out of the bar, he knew what he had to do. He walked over to Eddie, tossing the money at him and followed the two out, staying hidden so he wasn't seen.

Tiffany was forced and locked into her room and Jo went to her own to go to bed...but Chucky snuck in through her window.

Tiffany sat in her room, crying and angry at the thought of losing a chance of meeting someone who could treat her right... Until she heard strange noises coming from her mother's room. Gurgling, coughing noises. Picking her lock with a bobby pin, she walked out and into her mother's room to see what was going on.... And saw the man from the bar, strangling her mother who was already half dead.

Tiffany, witnessing this act was shocked. No one had ever done anything so sweet for her! In awe, all she could say was "Wow you're doing a real number on her, aren't you?"

Chucky turned around, the woman now dead beneath his hands in shock but strangely in awe at this woman/goddess's face of adoration and fear, and a face of adoration formed on his.

"I'm Tiffany." "I'm Charles." "Nice to meet you, Chucky."

[whump-town]

Was Hotch Abused?

I offer you my 2,300+ worded thoughts on the matter with episodes included. There's going to be lots and lots of talk about abuse so you're going to want to steer clear of that if that's something you're not cool with but for those of you interested... I give you all the proof I could think of:

Natural Born Killer.

In the eighth episode of the first season, “Natural Born Killer”, we meet Vincent Perrotta. His father was abusive but from the outside looking in, no one knew a thing. Perrotta started drinking at fourteen and committed petty crimes, as well as assault, for pleasure. Going as far as to kill his own father not too long after. But Perrotta is a monster and a psychopath so it’s clear we’re not supposed to sympathize which makes his interaction with Hotch so peculiar.

Hotch is our “Captain America”. A true neutral with an infinity for doing what’s right so it’s inconceivable to compare him to Perrotta and yet Hotch gives us some rather conflicting lines to dissect.

Before Gideon hands the interview over to Hotch, he spends a moment talking with the others out in the bullpen. The whole time he’s leaned back and he’s watching Morgan and Hotch. Now, at this point, we don’t know about the sexual abuse Derek Morgan faced at the hands of Carl Buford but there’s something about the way that Gideon spends the entirety of the conversation only looking at the two of them. Waiting for them to put together what he clearly already has and when Hotch does…

Hotch jumps straight into Perrotta’s profile, asking: “You grew up in a house that looked normal and happy, didn’t you Vincent?”, “But your father beat you every chance he got”

Perrotta excuses it with a shrug, “he smacked me around some, didn’t everybody’s old man?”

Abuse is a complicated thing and, often, abused children just don’t know what their parents are doing to them is abuse. It can be a subtle and outright thing but there’s an element of normalcy to it. The parent’s abuse is as habitual, as minimal as biting your nails to the child. Adults often can’t identify their parent’s past abuse.

With Hotch you learn that his lack of expression is often as telling as his expressions and as Hotch looks back at Perrotta, there’s something so sad about his eyes. His voice goes from loud, assertive to his whispered answer to Perrotta’s question. “No.” As if, well, maybe that’s a question he’d raised once too.

Perrotta doesn’t care about that though and he taunts “well, maybe if yours had you would have learned to fight”. But is it not more telling that Hotch didn’t make a sound? Perrotta got in several hits and the only sound Hotch made was when the wind was literally punched out of him. Not even when Gideon called to him and at that point, Perrotta did not the garrote around Hotch’s throat. That’s another thing mentioned before in the profile and something Hotch mentions to Perrotta directly. You learn to take the beatings, smile even. So, it’s just a little odd how little Hotch responded…

But that’s all nothing, you can take that how you want

Which leads us to the fateful, not everyone comment.

"You were just responding to what you learned, Vincent. When you grow up in an environment like that, an extremely abusive and violent household... it's not surprising that some people grow up to become killers"

That can’t mean NOTHING, there’s so much there but there’s something about Hotch’s subtle wording. The way he’s unconsciously slipped himself in there (a very real thing that people do) and he hasn’t even realized it. Doesn’t even know he’s done it until Perrotta pushes and he pauses, asks what Perrotta means. And the subtly of it, the way he doesn’t even mean to that says more than anything else.

“And some people grow up to catch them.”

It’s a super-specific comment to make. He can’t possibly be talking about Derek because he doesn’t even know about Carl Buford yet not to mention saying that about him would be incredibly rude if he were talking about Reid (and again, he doesn’t know about Reid’s childhood yet). So… that really only leaves him because JJ, Garcia, and Elle were not abused.

“P911”

In season two, episode two “P911” the team is hunting down a man trying to sell a young boy, Peter, on the black market. Kevin Rose is an underage boy “selling” himself on the internet while his abusive father has been in prison. I’ll let you just guess who it is that leads the team on finding out more about Kevin.

Your guess is more than likely right-- Morgan and Hotch. Now, we know about Morgan but come on. Nothing to say about it being Hotch who makes the emotional appeal?

The camera even follows his gaze, he’s crouched down (to appear non-threatening because he’s so close) and we watch his eyes take in the scars on Kevin’s chest. You can also note that while Gideon remarks that Kevin’s father was “always drunk, you never knew why he was hurting you, why he was so angry” both Kevin and Hotch look away from him.

AND FUCKING TRY AND TELL ME THE “some grow up to catch them” LINE WAS NOTHING TRY BECAUSE GUESS WHAT GIDEON SAYS? NO, NO GUESS--

Gideon: “At night you’d cry yourself to sleep hoping someone would come and save you”

And it’s HOTCH, HOTCH IS THE ONE TO SAY: “You have the chance to be the one who saves someone, Kevin. You can be the one who answers him, the one who stops his pain.”

PARALLELS PEOPLE THE PARALLELS

“Profiler, Profiled”

I bet you weren’t expecting this one, huh? But there’s something about people who faced trauma that makes it so perceptible to other traumatized people-- they sniff it out like coke to a drug hound. And, just guess, who it is that spends the majority of his time fighting with Morgan? Who knows (like I said about the bloodhound) immediately there is something Morgan’s hiding.

Hotch is angry, he’s upset that Morgan would hide anything. Mumbling about there being “larger implications” and how the team can’t have secrets. With the knowledge of exactly what that secret is it makes Gideon’s eye roll a little telling. Because it’s like they both know but neither will say. Driven home by Gideon turning the attention to Hotch, asking “would you want us profiling you?”

And again Hotch is the one to leap onto the abuse. The one to put the pieces together. Hotch’s anger makes no sense. He says he’s angry that Derek’s keeping a secret but the team has many, way too many. Over the years the team unwraps all kinds of secrets, he’s never angry then. So, it’s not about the implication of a secret at all. It’s what the secret is, like misplaced anger. Anger with himself may be leftover from his own abuse. But still…

Hotch lets Morgan escape. Knows exactly who and what Carl Buford is but all he tells the team is that “he won’t even speak about him”. He always knows how to find the abuse… like I said, a bloodhound.

George Foyet

I know you’re going to find this so fucking surprising but guess who also was abused? George Foyet was beaten by his biological father and his mother didn’t save him so he hates women (bleh, men are disgusting what’s knew).

Now, blah, blah, blah Hannah, I know you’re not about to say Foyet and Hotch are a lot alike-- no of course not. Don’t be silly. What I’m going to say is that they’re foil characters? They accent one another in an opposites sort of way. Foyet is a manipulative narcissist who doesn’t work well with others. Hotch is a guilt-ridden team leader who can’t let The Reaper’s case go. There are meant to be comparisons drawn between them. A good villain does that. George Foyet shows us that Hotch is not at all this removed, cool guy that we’ve previously assumed him to be. He cries in an alley because he blames himself when The Reaper kills a busload of people.

We see he has a rather compulsive nature. He never let The Reaper case go and has very personal ties in this case. Not even after Foyet attacks him, if anything it’s worse. He brings the case file home.

But it’s certainly interesting to see yet another “villain” with that same tragic abusive father and submissive mother come into play with Hotch. We’re nearing a point where it’s getting hard to call it coincidence (and according to David Rossi, there simply is not such thing).

Haunted.

In the second episode of the fifth season, “Haunted”, Hotch voice’s over a Dickinson quote: “One need not be a chamber to be haunted, One need not be a house; The brain has corridors surpassing. Material place.” These quotes are often cheesy, if not a little cliché, but given the premise of this episode is in exploring the ways in which a man’s traumatic childhood has left him now grappling for a truth he can not define… well, maybe we can say the writers were onto something here.

Darrin Call, debatably the Unsub of “Haunted”, was abused by an alcoholic father. We see several signs of it throughout the episode-- Darrin’s delayed speech & severe neglect that leaves Darrin in dirty, hole-riddled clothing. If what we see is not enough, the reports that the team is given on Darrin explicitly state that he was extremely physically abused. It is this abuse that leads to the PTSD that he’s diagnosed with.

As sad and disheartening as Darrin Call’s life is, overall it’s the sort of episode that is forgotten over time. When it’s placed right after the episode that viewers have to watch Hotch say goodbye to Haley and Jack then, who is Darrin Call when compared to the agony of watching Hotch show genuine weakness? After watching Hotch lay in a hospital bed, tears in his eyes wondering if his son will remember him? His fears become our own and after watching George Foyet disarm and mutilate the one guy we’ve been led to believe for five seasons is infallibly, unflinchingly never going to break… well, Darrin Call has it bad but our focus is elsewhere.

It’s on Hotch, right?

The guy who is coming back to the job after only a month (and a day) off to recover. Who Morgan worries might have PTSD but he knows they can’t easily measure because Hotch wrote the questionnaire, he knows all the right answers. Who we see has had new locks installed since the attack and has Foyet’s file sitting open on a table for easy access. Who hears Darrin Call’s life (worked the same job without promotion for years before getting fired, no wife, no kids, a hermit) and bluntly asks why Darrin hasn’t just killed himself.

And let’s just take a moment to break down that comment. Hotch, who in the episode previously lost his wife and child, wants to know why a man who is steadily starting to sound a lot like him hasn’t just killed himself.

And I don’t say “sounds a lot like him” lightly.

Darrin Call has PTSD. Hotch, more than likely, has PTSD

Here are some signs just from that episode: hostility (he yelled at Garcia over something very small), self-destructive behavior (he ran into Darrin Call’s father’s house without a vest, back-up, or telling the other’s what he was doing), and guilt (blamed himself for missing the eye twitching Darrin exhibited because of his years of antipsychotic use)

Darrin Call was abused… this marks the second HEAVILY implied time that Hotch has been compared to another man abused by his father

Vincent Perrotta was the first with that hard to forget the exchange

George Foyet and his notably exactly the same past as Perrotta

“Haunted” feels like it’s supposed to prove to the audience that Hotch is losing it. He distances himself from Morgan, leaving every room that Morgan is in. He doesn’t pick up Garcia’s calls after Darrin Call attacks his therapist. The only glimpse we see of the old Hotch is with Emily, pulled to the side, but his guilt burns and he even brushes her off. Shaking his head and turning his back to her because somehow he should have seen something no one else did.

Throw in Reid’s comment about Call “victims are often drawn to the scene of their first trauma” and we’re painfully reminded of Hotch’s apartment. A place you’d think he’d want to escape but didn’t. The man was stabbed nine times in his own apartment and stayed in that same place. Almost sounds like that statement could be applied to Hotch too.

A dash of Hotch’s own comment about where Call would go to in his confusion and he says “to what he knows”, even the importance of how that orphanage is “where he became Darrin Call”. Where does Hotch go? What does Hotch know? The job.

So… we tally now three total Unsubs that Hotch has this direct relationship with. Three Unsubs with abusive fathers and mothers who couldn’t protect them. Hmm… coincidence?

Brothers Hotchner

Supervisor Special Agent Hotchner is a master of hiding, that is undeniable. It’s hard to see anything behind those furrowed brows and impersonal suits and that’s likely for a reason. However, anyone with a little sibling can tell you that no one on this Earth can and will annoy the ever-loving shit out of you like a sibling.

But that’s not really important. Sean and Hotch don’t talk about their parents. At all. Ever.

Hotch says that when Sean was in the first grade he got sent off to boarding school. “I was the screw-up making bad choices”. Interesting enough of a statement to make but you throw in the rough ages of Sean and Hotch at that time and it’s a little more than just “interesting”. You have Hotch at roughly 14-15 getting into trouble just like Morgan did at that same age (coincidence???).

(now you can certainly look at Hotch’s parentification vs. Sean’s immaturity doubled with substance abuse problems but we’d be stretching. “The Tribe” touches on the parentification but Sean just calls it “the big brother” thing and tells Hotch that he’s not Sean’s father and it’s fine it’s whatever. Hotch is a bit pushy. That’s not new. Substance abuse can just be a problem, it doesn’t have to be bc they were abused but again… a little coincidental)

So... was Aaron Hotchner abused as a child? I certainly think so