#but like i feel like i couldve made this work
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im reading over some old chapters of something i wrote years ago and while the story is a mess, the writing is actually good and it pains me to have to delete it 😭😭
#im rewriting the same general story but with a better storyline if that makes sense#but like i feel like i couldve made this work#but at the same time its pretty similar to another thing ive read so maybe its not all that great#idk#kinda like it tho#boredbeestalk#boredbeeswrite
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hatsunegenia
#I couldve just made this an unrendered doodle#hatsune miku#miku#miku fanart#hallucigenia#cambrian era miku#lobopodian miku#lmfao#miku birthday#ive drawn i feel like countless mikus these past two weeks#like ive been working on a painting that i had to fully redo so thats two#then corn miku then this#and i had another one planned and now my mom wants me to draw her a miku#help#art to shit your pants to#digital art#worm
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my take on Edward and Lydia. The graphic novels pulling me back a little wont lie …
#taz balance#lydia edward taz#edward taz#lydia taz#whatever their tag is#idk about the accent colors but the skin tone hair is just always how i imagined them#i love the adaptation but theres a few choices i dislike like wonderland hvaing a clown theme instead of the gameshow feel#i like me a circus but the tv host personas just worked so much better for them also SORRY I hate the green skin so bad#i apologise to the green elf fans i cant stand it#also i have a vague memory of griffin saying they were dark elves that i probably made up but its just how ive always imagined them#also very minor nitpick wish the arc in the novel couldve had one more round so taako got to lose his beauty#its a minor nitpick just cause in the grand scheme of things its not very important and its brought up once#but that conversation with kravitz is so dear to me#tis whatever tho#is it obvious i like using tumblr tags a lot
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can russia and north korea just nuke us already this is hopeless
#sorry to be so fatalistic on main i just have zero faith in the american public atp#i just rly wanted to believe that more americans couldve used this opportunity to prove to the rest of the world that we arent all a bunch#of sensationalist/conspiracy-driven/aggressively braindead/violent/bigoted alt-right lunatics#& i never had much faith in kamala & walz to begin with obviously im incredibly cynical towards these status quo gatekeepers and the#downright impotence of the neoliberal democratic party#but this wouldve been an easy swerve away from dozens MORE of horrible awful inhumane policies that will ultimately vanquish#the quality of life for the entire american working class like myself and our already pisspoor education system and our lousy#climate change policies and impossible living standards#but no unfortunately there is no way in hell for americans to prove even a modicum of intelligence or worth we're all basically suicidal#and despite my own immense yank bashing tendencies and complete disdain for our government i really wanted this country & my ppl to defy#our own reputation of being so fucking stupid and backwards i really did. in the tiniest little place of my heart was legitimate hope#& a tiny bit of patriotism thats now been squashed completely & this was just another large-scale international humiliation that we legit#voted that guy BACK IN after everything that has happened the last four even eight years. its unbelievable.#again obviously i dont like kamala but it still wouldve been a grand opportunity to stall against what the gop is already destroying#and with push and shove we could have made slight progress forward as a country and try to protect our social programs#be it as flawed as they are and with enough support we could have strengthened them a little. make drugs less expensive. continue forward#with clean energy decreasing our use of fossil fuels even more.#protect our education system so the up and coming generations could receive higher standards of learning than what the rest of us had#NO ABSOLUTELY NOT. im too poor to continue living here and im too poor to fucking leave !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#SORRY THIS WAS EXTREMELY EXTREMELY EXTREMELY LONG THANK U FOR READING IF U DID MY BRAIN FEELS LIKE MUSH RIGHT NOW SO I DONT KNOW HOW#INTELLIGIBLE THIS MAY OR MAY NOT BE#and if this makes anyone mad @ all then ill just delete it cuz by god i dont need more grief and self hatred !#txt
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thinking about cinderlion kits and how hollytufts reaction to flywhisker and snaptooth leaving to become kittypets was to aggressively call them traitors
#i speaku#rotating these six guys in my brain#i know i said i wish cinderlion had way smaller litters and i still feel the same way now but i can still think about them#w a dynamic of having drifted apart due to the shit theyve been going thru as well as the distance bet the two litters bc of age and stuff#nd spotfur feeling so ostracized from her fam bc of 'gestures at everything'#im ngl the first lotter really genuinely are kinda just there 😭#litter*#i wonder if you couldbe just made them be one singular cat and it wouldve worked better#thats an interesting dynamic i think... a one kitten litter being excited over the prospect of having siblings when cinder n lion announce#the news and getting devastated when two of the second litter decide to leave#maybe they n spotfur couldve beeb close once but the hypothetical only child just xouldnt get rid of those feelings of betrayal and anger#that their sibs left just grew very distant bc of that#i like sibling dynamics have i mentioned that yet
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maybe i do need to go to therapy bc its probably not good that ive been living on autopilot and the last 7 years went by so fast but also bc i was deliberatly Wanting the time to go by to put as much space between me and the events of 2017-2020 as possible all while somewhat knowing my young adulthood was slipping me by and now both my teenage years and my early 20s are gone and i still feel like my 19th birthday was yesterday yeesh!!
#i do feel like im out of time completely and its kind of.making me insane bc its not fair lol#life could be worse! but it couldve been a lot better too#like on one hand i think i had a normal reaction to exceptionally traumatic shit happening to me with no support system.#and everything that happened was caused by shit out of my control and i Know that bc i spent my teen years specifically working hard to Be#in control#like i did make the choice to give up sure. but that was when absolutely every effort had been exhausted#and theres only so much a human being can take especially when i was so young#but on the other hand!! even when i found a support system and things are better now than they were#i still feel like im trapped perpetually in this Waiting period#waiting for life to begin Waiting for an OPPORTUNITY to make my life begin already#and no effort on my part yields anything so i have no choice but to WAIT#but im TIRED. of waiting#im sick of seeing videos of people way younger than me making art ive always dreamed id have made by now#theres also this invisable wall i have always had built around me that is Impenetrable and i keep hitting it#and its gotta be me but it really feels like the universe has some unseeable chains on me which aounds so stupid#but im not allowed to get passed it#im way past the point of even being capable of showing the agony it causes me now like its just a dull joke#ANYWAY the fact ive typed all this makes me think ok. yeah maybe it is time to talk to someone LOL#carry on im fine this happens to me all the time. helps to get it written out at least
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The fact that Dawn Summers' favorite sandwich is salami + peanut butter (5x19) will never not be funny to me because the monks did that to her ON PURPOSE!!!!!!! Like why??
They were trying to create a human teenager and in so doing they gave her so many normal teenage qualities like an interest in keeping a diary, being moody, and a need to slam doors and act out and screech at an impossibly high pitch when she's upset which is all fine, totally normal teen behavior
But then they also decided she should be a kid who is gonna get bullied every day at lunch by eating weird sandwiches and liking anchovies on pizza (7x07). And on top of that they made her clumsy and socially awkward and fairly dorky with her mother/daughter book club membership and I swear Dawn thinks her best friend is Janice but she's actually closer to her own family and Buffy's friends and just??? She's already a key, is that not hard enough??
The monks went into create-a-sim and made Dawn Summers. THEY COULD HAVE MADE HER REMOTELY NORMAL AND CHOSE NOT TO I'M????? I mean to be fair she is made out of Buffy who also isn't at all remotely normal AND I adore Dawn exactly as she is and being "normal" is a stupid and overrated concept of course OF COURSE. Seriously, all the love for Dawn being her funky self but like the monks could've cut poor Dawnie a little slack I'm just saying. A hell god is looking for her they could at least make middle school surviveable
#dawn summers#btvs#buffy the vampire slayer#tuserjana#i know theres a chance that the spell couldve just crafted dawn but im choosing to believe otherwise#that one monk tells buffy very clearly that they made everyones memories of dawn and that feels purposeful to me#like it wasnt just random#they crafted those#also theres that whole part where glory thinks tara is the key and says she likes all the 'detail work' the monks did#that they gave the key 'quirks foibles passions'#so even glory is under the impression that the monks didnt just cast a spell and things happen#they created an entire human being#the monks went into create a sim and made dawn summers
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taking a break from writing band of brothers to watch band of brothers i take my job very seriously
#took me 2 days to watch the last patrol i kept pausing it to take screenshots of speirs and replaying scenes. mr normalman in the house#i know ron was the first to congratulate lipton but they couldve let him say smth when they made it official..... for the crumbs#ive been writing all day and im still like damn i miss them bc im writing pre war so it feels like Less Them....#love my absurdly rich boy ron and his working class bf tho. putting them in situations
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my brain . is fucking soup. adhd medication shortage my ass JUST MAKE MORE OF THEM ‼️‼️‼️‼️ I CAN'T KEEP GOING ON LIKE THIS GIRL HELP
#musings#i had to leave work within an hour because i just Couldn't Do It today#i like . think i maybe couldve if nobody got onto me about being on the floor at exactly the right time. maybe#i was already feeling bad but having my Time Issues laid bare made me. idk. frustrated??#im usually great about this stuff. y'know when i have my meds#it's been like. a month. im going insane
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watching good man goes to war and the balls they dropped having 13 grapple with gender feels like an actual physical injury right about now
#i could make this worse by watching some choice 12 episodes i think#i was watching into the dalek earlier but i didnt watch the am i good scene#coudl watch 8x12#it does feel different with 12 but i really really REALLY you dont get it **REALLY** wish 13 couldve grappled with like#the whole good-man combination concept shes made over the years#12 putting so much work into being Good#but never realising the way they tied that to Man like#good-man = good-person#like!!! SHE SHOULDVE FACED THIS#YOU HAD A SEASON 11 CHIBNALL YOU HAD A SEASON BEFORE THE MASTER#im gonna chew off my own leg#bite bite maim kill
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i forgot to finish my fucking post before turning off my pc. another au where both emet & lachesis exist in present time but maybe lachesis is hydaelyn or maybe he simply dodged the sundering unintentionally perhaps he was near emet for whatever reason & maybe the wol is their sundered child. scratches neck. idk i like the idea of them being opposed forces on a relatively even field. also i started thinking about it bc of like. ancients living until their duty to the star is fulfilled. & had a thought of lachesis embracing & perhaps trying to soothe him as he tries to convince him to let go. that hes spent such a horribly long amount of time working toward a goal he knows will never come to pass, not the way he wants it to. & that hes long fulfilled his duty. & its time to rest now
#ffposting#hildemet#wol watching their doomed yaoi unfold at the end of shb: (shuffles feet awkwardly) this feels like a reverse divorce can i go now#now big problem. the azem crystal.#mhmm. emet couldve made it for lachesis like normal. but it ends up being passed down onto the one who needs it#parents from another life bestowing power upon them... joint parting gift...#i can work anything out. i can literally imagine anything
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oughghgh
#post therapy tummy ow#today i surprised my therapist with a detail i didnt know i hadn't told her yet 🥴#and i said it so casually and i saw her eyebrows raise REALLY hard and thats when i realized and i was just like ok put a pin in it#i realized recently that like. these traumas i experienced jumble in my head so much bc they DO overlap#and its so fucked up realizing how many people have seen me in vulnerable states and gone “ah! i want in on that”#not as in “lemme help” tho but as in “lemme use you too”#like what the FUCKKKKKK#its not even specific to 2016 [where we're focusing on the chaos now] but even BEFORE THAT IM REALIZING#honestly if a chunk of u even knew a fraction of the trauma i experienced i think u would seriously not like me/find me as sexy as yall do#but anyway yea#my tummy hurts and i have to go to work /:#and all i want to do is keep vomiting about the traumas ive experienced bc i got really into some details there at the end /:#all ima say tho is: i deserve to have my life fully funded so i can have a fucking break bc what the actual Fuck#like yeah i couldve made some better decisions but the number of times i got hurt bc i trusted someone and told them things THEY ASKED TO#HEAR ABOUT/HOLD SPACE FOR and then they engaged in the same fucking behaviors or used that pain to then lie to me in ways that i would ofc#believe. . . . . .. . . . . . . disgusting its no wonder I dont feel safe fucking making friends anymore#like even thinking just about like the things i told certain ppl to the harm i experienced by them /:#and thinking of how all that ofc led to someone like my ex being able to take advantage of me#g-d i want to punch all these people
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i havent spent enough time thinking about laws thoughts on when acton went missing. thinks about it.
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#i think it was a period of like a couple days between when it just seemed like a nocall noshow (which wasnt that surprising given how fucked#up actons been for the last several months and 100x more so now since law got revived and [scene i also still need to draw but#tldr it traumatized acton further] and then when people went looking for him at his house they realized oh hes GONE gone#and the news was especially slow to reach law because people walk on eggshells around him already let alone talking to him about ACTON#and law wanted to not care. and i wouldnt say he DID CARE but he wanted to know but also didnt want to LOOK like he cared#so he refused to ask people and just slowly heard through the grapevine (he probably couldve guessed too but actons already been trying to#avoid him at work for a whiile)#and he had weird feelings about it. because he hates acton obviously. but now that hes gone he's just left to fester in his hate#that was never Really towards acton himself as a person as much as just what he represented (his old life having to 'rely' on someone etc)#and in his weird fucked up selfish way he DOES deep down miss him. but again mostly what he represented (a time when he was happy#and the person who really made him happy)#fuuuckkkkkk i think i might still be sick in the head about law. fuuuuuuckkkkkkkk man i hate that guy#mumbling
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is it weird if I say that I'm happy about ip2 being canceled?
#is that a hot take right now? i dunno how the mutuals are feeling#But like#My own opinions of soulsucker and fai2 aside#it is infinitely refreshing to hear awsten isnt forcing himself to make music he doesnt feel good about#and lets be real even if he did it wouldnt be as good as if it was music he wanted to create and was into creating. ykw i mean?#and im not at all torn up about the tracks we arent getting anymore because him realizing this isnt good for him#and stopping now to focus on things he DOES enjoy#will make infinitely better music and be infinitely more enjoyable for both him and fans#like im sure the tracks we would have gotten are good concepts but it clearly isnt the right thing for him to be working on right now#and who knows maybe he'll feel like revisiting them maybe he wont. regardless though i think this is the best decision he couldve made#all things considered#BUT YEAH thats my two cents yk#txt.exe
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listening to ants from up there like a normal healthy person that has relationships that they know will thrive and will not be lost and is certain of their future and enjoys whats happening today and what was happening yesterday and last week and last month. and im cool about it
#ants from up there#intro#chaos space marine#concorde#bread song#good will hunting#haldern#mark's theme#the place where he inserted the blade#snow globes#basketball shoes#guys dont listen to this album it makes you cry a lot#and crying is bad (true)#anyways is anyone else thinking about anything#help#help core lolllll#i have no idea whats in store and ive never liked that ever#i need a react image where a person is staring death into the camera especially now#because ive been feeling it so so so much more lately than before and ive felt it so hard since before summer#i really have no idea how much better this is than jobless summer mentally#i mean in a way it has to be better than summer school summer but at least then i had the inbetween week of the two terms#and yes thankfully i have parents who have enough money to spend two weeks of vacation out of the country which is coming up on saturday#and it will be relaxing ignoring the socializing of family i havent seen in 5 years#but so much of the past month has felt like ive only done work#i feel like my mind is consumed by my job and i really dont know if i like this state of being more than my jobless state of being#i also havent had a workless summer since grade 10 and i was still insecure about my friend group so i didnt go to a lot of the hangouts#but in grade 11 and this year i totally couldve gone to more and felt like i made more worthwhile memories#i wanna say more but tumblr doesnt let you do more than 30 tags#long one#goomb thot
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Kamen Rider Geats episode 47 poorly summarized via memes with as little context as possible:
#kamen rider geats poorly summarized#kamen rider ep 47#kamen rider geats#loved that beroba's wish made a tree glow#while kekera's instantly took out all riders save keiwa#like damn okay#writing department really went 'we got no idea what our other riders would do this ep'#and someone went 'lets do classic senti and have them literally out of the picture'#watching that buffalo plush get tossed around and be in side shots was amazing#'why' indeed sara#tbh villain plan was really tight this ep#of course doesnt work but like#solid plan#cockroach v frog is referring to daichi and kekera#listen that monster form looks like a cockroach and it fits#im right#also daichi's role this ep? very tightly written#do i want him gone still? yeah a little#idk i feel like i would like his character more if we got like an actual redemption arc#idk couldve shown more that getting the memories from all the people taught him empathy#but we don't have time for that#so weve got this halfsies#also we got some prime early arc keiwa this ep#does not disappoint#also appreciate jiit stating the undertow of all the plot with admin#my existence is nothing i am meaningless i am a cog that will be replaced over and over#your victory here achieves nothing#like yes yes#were getting to the good stuff#agree with everyone and their mom though that wouldve loved for geats friends to break him out
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