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#but like i cant really think of anything to rant about
gothicflowers · 1 day
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Listen, Alex has been consuming my brain for weeks. It’s a whole issue (it’s not an issue, I love it really). So can I get something that’s maybe a little darker with him? Doesn’t have to be too dark, just maybe showing that side that isn’t the golden retriever we all love. Maybe a little more of that something that makes him such a good CIA operative.
Something protective/possessive perhaps? Can be NSFW or not, totally up to you.
Also, I hope you’re doing well! I know what it’s like to just need a distraction and get out of your head for a bit 💙
(MDNI +18)
Sorry this took me forever but I’ve been fighting waves of ADHD paralysis that even my meds cant fight. And I’m doing a little better, not fully healthy but I’m getting there❤️
ALEX KELLER IS A GOLDEN RETRIEVER.
At least that’s what he lets you see.
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Because he doesn’t want you to know how dark and dirty he can be. Your family is fully convinced that he is the perfect man, which he truly is. Always getting you flowers and planning dates or small getaways. You clearly won the lottery with Alex. You see Alex as a night in shining armor, a kiss from the stars.
But Alex sees you as the dusk sky, beautiful colors that light up the sky before the light disappears. Soft delicate hands to hold, no blood or dirt under your nails. Your voice is the crackling of a fireplace in deep December snow that warms his soul. You’re the flower that blooms from the spring frost after he tills the ground with his bare hands.
Alex has fought for too long and shed too much blood in the name of justice and peace for anything to take away the one pure thing the universe owes him. You.
But sometimes dispute all his training and good intentions you see small glimmers of what Alex could be if he didn’t keep himself in check. Sometimes it’s in the way you end up bent over the counter with his fingers laced tightly in your hair as he rants on about this little bitchy attitude you’ve had since you woke up. He knows you love it and it feeds a dark pit of control that burns for you. Every thrust making you gasp. All Alex can grunt out of his gritting teeth is MINE. MINE. MINE. And is he gonna let you come? No. Not unless your pretty little eyes are welling with lust and love filled tears begging to cum. He’ll eventually let go of your hair and hold you by the jaw and let you confess that you just needed some dick, and he’s the only one that can satisfy your craving. Such a sweet thing, such perfection, so delicate.
Alex doesn’t mind letting other guys how possessive he can get. He didn’t like that guy that keep trying to dance with you at the bar. It’s surely a coincidence that guy slipped and hit his head on the sink. Other times it’s simply staring them down with a look that even Simon wouldn’t mess with.
When your ex tried to weasel their way back into your heart they abruptly stopped. They sent flowers, chocolates, jewelry, everything they could think of to win you back. You figured they finally got the message that you didn’t want them. But in reality your ex came home to a large envelope packed full of evidence of everything they’ve ever done, things you never knew about. Paired with a simple note “leave what is mine alone or else”.
Alex never wants you to know about what he truly does. Would you ever hold his hand again knowing how blood stained they are? Would those soft lips still say I love you? Despite his pure intentions he knows not all of his orders he’s been given were good. So he just tells you he works in surveillance. It eases your mind thinking he’s hiding on a roof somewhere, not down in a gunfight.
When he comes home after an extended time away you’re distraught with worry that he lost his leg. You will die never knowing the truth about what went down that day.
It’s not always that he wants to keep you in the dark, but sometimes it’s just truly classified information that you can’t know. And shouldn’t, it would give you nightmares. This man could rewrite history books if he shared what he knows.
Alex keeps hidden security cameras around the house. You don’t even realize they’re installed. He’s got extensive knowledge of technology and he used it to his advantage. He’s very good about keeping you a secret from his job but sometimes on those late nights he just needs to see you sleeping peacefully at home. And yes there is a tracker on your phone. Can’t lose track of his sweet little angel.
Everyone highly underestimates him. Too soft hearted, too eager, too naïve. The way his eyes darken and chest heaves as he stands covered in someone else’s blood shocks a room of experienced soldiers. A version of a man they rarely see, a version of a man you don’t know. Yet that version of him is who checks the house when he hear something at night. The version who corrects people who speak to you rudely. The version that growls in your ear from behind as your bodies tangle. The version who got rid of all of your problems. The Alex that will pull the earth apart and unleash hell to create a heaven on earth for you alone.
Alex is a wolf in sheep’s clothing.
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ganondoodle · 8 months
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with every thing i learn about what the directors of totk said in interviews it all just gets worse huh?
the thing about the shiekah tech just vanishing and nobody caring enough to look into it was already rough and now i learn they said that -after botw zelda wondered if hyrule as a kingdom was still needed but then totk happens- just sounds like she wondered if hyrule as a kingdom still needed to exist in the way it had been (which would be an interesting change for once and also make sense for her character) and then they took her back into the distant past with the super good guy king of a godly race to teach her the lesson what her place is and that yes, their monarchy needed and good and really given to her by "gods" and what if big evil black man shows up again
i dont have the energy to get into it further but needed to say soemthing about it bc it keeps bothering me :(
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selenealwayscries · 2 years
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Day 15: Expressions & Day 16: Trophies
I firmly believe that he just drinks his morning coffee out of his trophies
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thedrotter · 12 days
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not-yet-dead-person
silly comic of a conversation in-game i thought was too funny not to make something proper for instead of a doodle ww
(timelapse + wip images (thus silly process commentary in read more if you like artist commentary :3)
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i think the sketch looks silly and goofy and funny so i find it important to share with you the mere presence of the faces i drew on it. i drew it on top of the boxes without staying inside its borders because i find my proportions can get wonky if i draw them cropped in a restricted space. and I feel trapped otherwise and i will draw BAD!!! give me spaceeeee to go wild!!!!
the head circles are there for emotional support
very low res speedpaint because truth is the canvas was much bigger than the space where my comic was placed. i didnt account when exporting my timelapse in 720px that that tiny space would look so pixelated ... but it's able to be percieved, so its okay.
(i will now comment on my process and it is not brief sorry)
usually i would try to clean up my sketches and figure out what goes on top before jumping into linework, but since there are multiple panels and drawings i chose to jump into inking right away for the sake of brevity. i just went in with a brush that uses pen pressure and drew what was needed. i added extra line thickness and contrast in areas around the face because it helps direct your eyes there more easily that way.
according to her equipment rei has a chain belt but i only remembered it existed once I was going to color, and i did not like that discovery... I chose to ignore it to maintain my peace. i already have the color palettes for these characters figured out, and i didnt really want to think about a new element at the moment www I tend to overthink those things a lot so i skipped it
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the rest is rather straightforward! not that anything else wasn't, but in here i could turn my brain off and sing. linework and sketching require mumbling so i cannot turn my brain off. just block in the characters with a solid color so i can have a mask (something along those lines,) where the color can stay inside. then just color in !!!
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Base colors just had slight cell shading on the skin, and for the hair i airbrush a bit of the skincolor in low opacity near the forehead... I'm not sure what it means, but i can look at the faces easier with it somehow. i like the gentle subtlety it adds even if you cant really tell. it makes things look nice.
background was just me blocking in the color of the wall and floor, shade the wall a bit, then slap a noise and free use wood texture on top. work smarter not harder ! yet it took a bit to make it look stylistically fitting with the characters, and even now i think bottom middle panel looks odd. whatever!!!
for the middle panel i thought itd be funny if the background was a solid silly and colorful one to contrast the next panel's sketchy black one. a contrast to how the word widow is seen. on that note my handwritting is not pointy. i gaslighted my hand into thinking that it was indeed pointy in that moment so i could write "not-yet dead person" in letters that didn't seem cute. my hand did not fall for it but it complied anyway
that's basically it! I'm not sure what else i could say that doesn't feel barebones because it really is that straightforward. if you're curious I used clip studio paint for this. only special brush used was for linework (a brush named Lemon Brush), the rest used were just the default. my computer gets the least credit. it was trying to convince me a 20mb file was going to nuke it all the time and hardly let me save multiple times so i do not appreciate it
#re:kinder#fanart#sayaka re:kinder#rei re:kinder#OH I ALREADY RAMBLED IN MY POST WHATEVER SHOULD I TALK ABOUT NOW IN MY TAGS UEEEEEEE😭😭😭#oh yeah do you want to know a fun fact about this drawing#i started it yesterday. i wasnt meant to I DID NOT HAVE PERMISSION...FROM MYSELF... i was meant to be on break#i self imposed a one week break from doing any rekinder related project after the transcript to avoid accidental burn out#NOT THAT I GOT TIRED OF IT AFTER THAT TRANSCRIPT NOT AT ALL#but jumping straight into more hours of creativr work after over 30 hours of it is asking for disaster. it is asking for burn out#yesterday was the last day . 12 hours were left but i was going to die if i didnt draw anything it would have been OVER#(aka my period started recently so i got very gloomy and depressed so i needed to run to my favorite stress relief...drawing rekinder☺️)#(on that note seriously what the fuck please explain the evolutionary advantage to getting horribly depressed every month)#(like hello?!?! rant real quick— i get enough flashbacks everyday i DONT need them to last longer and have me more msierable ?!?!?)#(periods are so dangerous to my mental health for no reason can i get a restriction order on them or some shit what the fuck)#(anyway thats enough of that break of character DONEEEE :3333)#SO YEAH I DIDNT EVEN LAST 7 WHOLE DAYS i even played a new game in between those 6 days youd think itd het my mind of rekinder. WRONNNNGGG#not even another devastating rpg horror gamr could divert my attention for long i hsd to draw rekinder😊#using the newfound power of mt transcript i was decided on drawing rei because i dont draw her enough for how high she is on my fvaorites#i was initially doodling random lines but then i stumbled upon this interactkon and it doesnt really fit into my usual expression sheets#so i thought hey lets do it asife#i thumbnailrd it and from there i was like hey lets do it in comic format isntead of separated messy doodles in tint canvas#and the rest is hisotry .... aka i spent the last two days doing this instead of doing MY HOMEWORK!!!!!#on my defense when i wasnt drawing i was horribly depressed i had no other choice#(seriously fuck off periods WHAT what do you mean i need to be distracted 24/7 to not be struck by crippling meltdowns LEAVE ME ALONE?!?!?)#(they should be banned we as a society should find like a . cure to them it dont do me good to have a whole week where i cant function)#these tags have been more of a weird rant im sorry IVE BEEN FEELING PEEEVEDDD LATELY SO YOU GET. STRANGE DROTTER LORE ????
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risingsunresistance · 14 days
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twitter is entering their "rts > likes" phase now that likes are private after they spent years calling us ungrateful for being demotivated by ratios lmao
#man fuck yall just support artists you enjoy#dont attack people who dont rb/rt your art (hell they might even have it scheduled) but also dont constantly demand ''content'' from people#ESPECIALLY without telling them that you appreciate the effort they put in to show you cool things they made for free#you should've been rt'ing/rb'ing from the START 😒 just show people you care!#im just waiting to scroll through post after post of ppl calling out ''entitled artists'' lmao#btw my opinion on the whole thing is painfully neutral if you couldnt tell#i dont think you should care that much about numbers and ppl take it wayyyyyy too far#throwback to that one guy who personally @ everyone who didnt reblog their art that was CRAZY. i would straight up report you KJFGHKG#i also understand and have personally experienced how much engagement can change your mood#a simple ''i love this!'' can make someone's day. it's not hard to understand why ppl like engagement#when they make post after post without so much as a little tag they dont care about sharing anymore#the fact that people call that ''entitlement'' is also crazy#i have a lot of drawings i havent posted or just left nonrebloggable bc it really doesnt make a difference lmao#the only ones i leave rebloggable are the ones that i Know will do well and get attention. like the little pig redraw#if it's cute or funny it gets positive attention. anything else is shit on here lmao#it's just not as fun to share. it either leads to no engagement or negative engagement#would rather have nothing than something rude so whatever#some ppl say it's always been like this but no it absolutely was not always like this#idk what exactly caused the change. probably a lot of factors#could even just be the fandoms i hang around in! but considering i've seen the same sentiment from a bunch of ppl i doubt it's that#the best solution to no engagement is to just make friends and have fun#but 90% of the internet is hostile and negative and rude for no fucking reason#when i unfollowed someone on my old public twitter and they @ me over it. damn i dont know why but NOW i know why 😭#this post has gone way off course im just ranting at this point. i havent talked in a while hi how have you guys been#work was a lot yesterday and today is too slow (im not at work im just going crazy in my house)#(and i cant leave my house bc there's construction blocking the road someone save me)#chat
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caffeinatedopossum · 2 months
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I always feel bad for being even a little dissatisfied with my circumstances and then I remember that most of the people around me (both irl and online) would probably go absolutely bonkers in my circumstances
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bonesrbleaching · 3 months
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had the most braindead repetitive conversation/argument with my parents. buzz cuts are too masculine but if you dye a design on it it become effeminate which is bad because then you look weak and if youre weak then society falls apart (all societies ever that have fallen apart for any reason are actually because of feminine men) and we start sacrificing babies. and also all mental illness is invented because only 4 people had anxiety in the 90s and covid was made up so that we would all become gay and trans and then the government can control us better and be joe biden's little sex slaves. and also i need to keep my hair long because my father finds it attractive. what
#lolaa.txt#what do i even tag this with . my mother wouldn't let me leave and i kept asking for sources and she kept saying 'i'm your mother!!!'#'i wouldnt lie to you!'#okay. say that to someone maybe who doesnt know you lie to them all the time.#its tiring going around in circles with her.my father is better because at least he admits when he doesnt have a reason for feeling some wa#also what got me. she said 'do you own research if you want!! but im right!!!'#yeahh not seeing anything about anything you just said. i think you made that up.#i have a theory that my mother secretly hates herself because she believes all women are weak and must serve strong men#and my father has so so much trauma and anxiety that he cant be that strong man#so now she feels like shes betraying her very biology when she has to step up.#and also because i am stronger than her now and my hair is long and far far denser than hers and i have a younger face#that she feels that im wasting my precious femininity that she could be using. does that make sense.#shes so miserable trapped in her idea of what makes a man and a woman what they are. once you stop caring about what makes someone somethin#you dont have to worry about anyone else.#im queer because i dont really feel that connection to biological and social ideas of gender that my parents seem to#never really have#im not gonna theorize 'ohh shed be happier nonbinary' or stuff like that because it is up to you and you alone to define who you are#if you spend your whole life trying to fit a box for the sake of fitting the box#then when would you have any space for self discovery#youve invented personality traits to go along with your box. now you can never ever change or grow as a person. congrats#and you know what? one day she will die. and that will be the end of that.#and i will live and i will probably shave my head a thousand times. and come up with new names#and new ways to be a better person that makes me feel happy#and i will dress like a boy because its all made up anyways. who cares.#and if you care? that much about what im wearing or how i look?#then thats your problem and i wont be responsible to maintain your happiness.#SORRY RANT OVER.#im just so flabbergasted. what a sad life someone can lead poisoned by jealously and reactive rhetoric.#tw homophobia#tw transphobes
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nyupuun · 8 months
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Won Top 4 at locals for the Age of Overlord Sneak Peek (this made me so happy I have to share it everywhere.)
Also, another person really liked the anime (specifically 5Ds) so now we're writing with one another and I don't think I've done anything harder than trying to act normal and allistic about Yugioh. Someone at Locals also said they liked how 'excited' I was about it, and I know it probably wasn't even meant in a mean way but I still felt a bit bad cause I don't even know how to be normal!!!!!
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philosophicallie · 29 days
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ok time to try to blame someone else instead of me
#being dramatic but idk im also trying to think abt why i am this way#in part to the fact that i inherently view myself as a burden and always have since a child since i could like. comprehend the things my mom#was going through for my life & moving the america etc etc#but like yeah i was basically as independent as couldve been in the PH bc i had multiple ppl who could take me places and take care of me#but in the US it was just my parents and our family and our X amnt of cars#idk i just keep thinking about how much i miss doing anything in my life and how i used to be a dancer a martial artist a potter like#there was so much to me and now because i refuse to learn to drive and get a car i just. am locked out of everything#bc my aspirations cant work out on 1 vehicle in sparse & spread ohio#like idk maybe its the fact that i always was just like im not allowed to have friends im not allowed to go out in the summer#im not allowed to visit friends or extra places or events#never really been independent until i basically ran away and even now im just#only partially independent bc sure i have money and i have my own space but. im dependent on a driver and other ppls schedules and it just#idk i cant not see myself as a burden all i can think of is that im not a good enough woman let alone wife and thats something no one wants#like i barely know how to cook i barely eat i dont clean i barely wash i barely provide like. yeah idk also ever since i had a breakdown#i feel fundamentally just. changed especially about food. and idk i have been asking for others to cook for me more but i still am waiting 4#the next time someone says you can make it yourself and i starve for the next 24 hours#idk dude i literally cannot see myself as not a work of labor. its all mama ever ranted at me about. very verbally very constantly up until#i stopped being difficult with her being the head of the family of like 12#whatever. whatever#im done blaming someone else im gonna eat my words with regret and shame :/
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harmoniouseclipse · 7 days
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Me and my freaking ship charts for my freaky mind
#I'm gonna rant about them in the tags a lil bit so bear with me#I really like the idea of them taking turns “spooning” each other (or just one laying on top of the other idk)#bc they listen to each others' heartbeats since Lisa's dying lmao#and idk where losa being taller came from#but her canon height says she's 5'11 and i believe it honestly#and kind of the same thing with her being trans; i just think it's a neat character study#especially since we dont know anything about her past or who she was before the game's events#and i didnt rly know how to mark Jean's flirtiness levels because Jean flirtation is VERY different from Lisa flirtation#hers is much more unintentional or very charming like a kiss to the back of Lisa's hand or dancing her around her office when it's late#and she speaks formally too which adds to the unintentional rizz#Lisa cant help but fall for her fr#and i think they are the embodiment of the “fell first fell harder” trope#Lisa falls first and she's content to watch Jean from afar bc she knows how important her job and Mond are to her#and then Jean finally catches up tripping falling bleeding all over ripping her heart out to show Lisa how it beats for her#altho i think it was hard for her to come to terms with it especially since she doesnt want her personal life to interfere with work#so she has to find the balance first#and Jean also knows that being flirty is just who Lisa is and that they are both extremely loyal to each other#but Lisa gets pushed a lot probably when other women start hitting on Jean a little too much#and they're both equally overprotective of each other especially out on dangerous missions#but Lisa feels like she HAS to protect Jean more bc of her importance to the safety of Mond#this is just me rambling tho im literally so in love with them bc theyre just so soft and the wives ever#i am the most sane jeanlisa shipper actually#ty for coming to my ted talk#jean gunnhildr#lisa mici#jeanlisa#genshin impact#ship chart#character art is mine
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kameonerd566 · 23 days
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#i have a rant but it doesn't need to be seen so its going in the tags- like i need to get it out but like it doesn't need to be 'loud' yo?#*yk?#also sidenote my emoji keyboard updated so there's probably gonna be a lot of typos#i seriously cant believe my eyes when it comes to some of the hate online#like#i just blocked a good dozen people because they were just so--- mean spirited? i mean i guess its no surprise there's trolls on the internet#but these ppl are not trolls they just genuinely have these hateful opinions. and that's fine. thats why I'm whispering in my tags because#like it really is fine they're not doing anything wrong. but i just cant bwlelievw my eyes#how can people just so profoundly misunderstand others? and then yell about it so loudly like they're the the most righteous voice?#especially on the internet. i think a lot of times we forget that we only see a tiny little window into what a person is really like.#we will never know the whole story of who someone is or what they've been through in a parasocial format. hell even in a real life format.#it just boggles my mind#i cant imagine the amour of strength it must take to be bullied your whole entire life- as a child and teen and now as an adult creator.#thats insane#and then to have people constantly demanding that you step back into the ring#as if they've never made a mistake before - as if they're anger as a stranger on the internet is some sort of divine right#i just wow#complete opposite energy of the boop button#we need more boop buttons#metaphorically and literally- we need to push more buttons that say 'i love you' that say 'i don't know who the fuck you are or what you've#been through jut i see you and i love you'#what if we all just held hands#ugh#i guess you could call this rant 'baby's first time seeing an anti tag'#ughhhhh
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gardenoblues · 1 month
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Is it just me or every year when my birthday comes my mood is just sourer than usual?
Well, to be fair, I had a very bad day. After reporting online (with an asshole disruptive prof), I had to commute by train to get to school for my lab and physics midterms. (For my asshole, inconsiderate prof) Then i got my long quiz score which was even more discouraging.
And it doesn't end there. We shoot our video performance at my house. And it took so long because my co-member kept messing it up. Then i took a long scroll outside in tears, walking mindlessly just to convince myself that it's still worth it. Whatever that is. I smoked again after a long time so that tells a lot. (My religious mother was also there, guilt tripping me because I didn't attend church. I was feeling sick and my body was heavy that morning so I couldn't move.)
I get home again, and there's just chores all over. My sister was in the mood to clean, but halfway through she just stopped so i had to clean it up because i have visitors tomorrow for my birthday, and mostly i just don't want to hear anything from my mother.
I'm pretty sure I'll cry myself to sleep and go back to that dark and cold place I was before. I really tried to keep a nice face to everyone today. And I think I'm so good at it that nobody ever asks if I'm alright. It's not that I want to be praised for all that, its normal to go through stuff and have a rough day, it's just sometimes I need someone to notice, like I notice other people. I know that sounds so narcissistic and that the world doesn't revolve around me and my problems but just for once, I want to be one of those people that always had a person behind their back to catch me when I stumble. Just for once, I don't want to be that person who catches people when they fall, who is there when they're sad, I want to be one of those people who don't even do anything to be loved, you know? I can't even imagine what that's like. Everything has a price in my life and it's getting more and more expensive as i get older.
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yooniesim · 10 months
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Girl... I aint reading all that
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#ceci speaks#nonsims#text#negative#gif warning#keep crying stalker#refresh my tab and go write another nonsensical rant just like i said u would lmfao#or finally get over it girl cos no one cares#glad i got u hella mad and ranting at nothing... as usual#thats how stupid and easily led you are#good luck with that school u got going on...#ppl pls dont send me anything else from this stalker theres nothing they have to say thats valuable or the slightest bit intelligent#delete later#also dont say ur lowkey sorry to me when ur on my dick 24/7#obsessed and thinking racism only exists for you personally#cos you cant handle anyone disagreeing with you#cos if u really thought i was racist u wouldnt have been liking my cc posts#and dming me apologies for getting me hate up until a few months ago when i blocked u#ur ego got hurt when i blocked u and that is the ONLY reason u rant about me every other business day#same thing with all your weird friends that were nice in my dms and sticking around in my server until a few months ago#now all of a sudden im a vile coon that they never liked to begin with#only AFTER I blocked yall after catching yall talking shit out the other side ur mouth and not to my face#youre cowards plain and simple just trying to act tough and hard and morally right#when in the end you just look fucking goofy#for swearing i was antiblack whilst being buddy buddy with me#what does that make yall then?#birds of a feather and all that right#you just dont know how to not like someone without trying to villainize them and that is cowardice#otherwise you wouldnt ONLY call someone problematic after they blocked or personally offended you
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beomgyutruther · 5 months
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#snapped at my mom because im stressed about my preboard results and then i apologized and explained that i was rly stressed and accidentally#lashed out and she started saying that im always rude to her and taking my stress out on her ??? and that i never do this to my dad#and then she said i never talk to her about anything even though she's the only one who does everything for me yet i still dont talk to her#and well. maybe if she didnt tell my brother 'if u do this u will end up like ur sister in the future. u dont want to fail in life right ?#then dont do this' (nearly exact words) when she was scolding him . i mean maybe then i would actually want to talk to her#and it sucks because i cant rly talk to anyone irl about this because i still feel scared that they'll like. judge my mom#because i still love her a lot and dont want people to think badly about her#but its getting harder ! to exist here ! and the fact that i am constantly used as an example of what my brother should NOT be#especially when i work this hard partly because i want to be someone my brother can look up to#and to have that come from my own mother . it's really hurtful and makes me feel like nothing i ever do will be enough for her#not to mention the fact that i have come out to her 4 times and she still constantly asks me if it's just a phase#<- i thought that part was getting better but apparently not#but i've stopped expecting anything from anyone in that respect so it doesn't really come as a surprise lmao#anyway rant over i just needed to get that off my chest because i really dont know how long i can keep crying and then forcing my voice#to be normal so that no one asks what happened because wow it is taking a toll on me! who knew#do noooot perceive this
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caffeinatedopossum · 2 years
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I feel like I have an unacceptably low level of control over my body. Like obviously there are some things that no one can control but I have like actual big problems because of it. I'm not really sure how to describe it but it's not just me being really clumsy (although that is an effect of it) or even the tics I have.
It's like I can feel my body moving wrong constantly but I can't correct it and it hurts and it sucks and I'm tired. I'm tired of hurting myself, making mistakes, breaking things, acting like it's fine when in reality I'm constantly afraid of how much any movement I make next could hurt me. I need to move to stay sane, I want to workout and get stronger and go on walks with my friends. I wanna get better. I can't even roll over in bed without pain and I'm just so tired.
#opossums chronic illness rants#seriously though this sucks so much and idk if theres anything i can do about it but i wanna try#its probably a combination of a lot of different things#like muscle weakness and instability from ehlers danlos syndrome both making each other worse#along with the poor proprioception from autism the dizzyness and weakness from the dysautonomia#the fact that i cant really see and even possibly inner ear damage (thats a new one that ive been suspecting more and more recently)#im not sure if the ear damage would be just from built up ear wax or maybe or something else#but im really not having a good time because it brings back bad memories#when i was a kid (8 i think) my mom was convinced i had compacted ear wax but given that she refused to ever#take me to doctors she decided she had to fix it herself#which led to a lot of excruciating trials where she stuck wires and que tips stripped of their cotton into my ears#and tried to scrape out whatever she could. even though i wanted her to stop because it hurt so bad i would start crying everytime#im also mildly suspicious that might be what damaged my ears in the first place... but i really have no way to know that at the moment#all i know is i dont want anyone looking in or putting things in my ears ever again#it doesnt even matter how much i trust them because now anything put in my ears hurt#like even when im just regularly cleaning them with que tips it hurts and im reminded that might not be normal#idk if you read these tags let me know if cleaning your ears is supposed to hurt i guess?#im honestly not sure. like i just always assumed i wasnt being gentle enough or something but it doesnt matter what i do#its not super painful either just a little bit so i ignored it because i assumed it was normal#since a lot of 'normal' things hurt for me. which i now know to my surprise isnt normal at all but i didnt figure that out#until i actually got people to believe that these things were hurting me#apparently its very hard to find anyom#who believes that opening bag clips or trying to lift a jug of milk are actually quite painful for me#they usually just say im way overreacting and when i was a kid i just believed them i guess
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hoppinkiss · 5 months
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thinking about how in.igo handles me when I'm angry and upset. he's gentle but inquisitive and tries to coax me into his lap to pet and massage until my body is no longer tense
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