#also i had like 3 hrs of sleep | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

gardenoblues · 1 month

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Is it just me or every year when my birthday comes my mood is just sourer than usual?

Well, to be fair, I had a very bad day. After reporting online (with an asshole disruptive prof), I had to commute by train to get to school for my lab and physics midterms. (For my asshole, inconsiderate prof) Then i got my long quiz score which was even more discouraging.

And it doesn't end there. We shoot our video performance at my house. And it took so long because my co-member kept messing it up. Then i took a long scroll outside in tears, walking mindlessly just to convince myself that it's still worth it. Whatever that is. I smoked again after a long time so that tells a lot. (My religious mother was also there, guilt tripping me because I didn't attend church. I was feeling sick and my body was heavy that morning so I couldn't move.)

I get home again, and there's just chores all over. My sister was in the mood to clean, but halfway through she just stopped so i had to clean it up because i have visitors tomorrow for my birthday, and mostly i just don't want to hear anything from my mother.

I'm pretty sure I'll cry myself to sleep and go back to that dark and cold place I was before. I really tried to keep a nice face to everyone today. And I think I'm so good at it that nobody ever asks if I'm alright. It's not that I want to be praised for all that, its normal to go through stuff and have a rough day, it's just sometimes I need someone to notice, like I notice other people. I know that sounds so narcissistic and that the world doesn't revolve around me and my problems but just for once, I want to be one of those people that always had a person behind their back to catch me when I stumble. Just for once, I don't want to be that person who catches people when they fall, who is there when they're sad, I want to be one of those people who don't even do anything to be loved, you know? I can't even imagine what that's like. Everything has a price in my life and it's getting more and more expensive as i get older.

#rantings #im getting older #old but not old enough #the worst fucking age to be #you cant do certain things but really you can if you think about it #also i had like 3 hrs of sleep #you know i just want to disappear for a moment #its frequent that i feel like this im getting used to it #im finding the balance #finding the peace everyone talks about #im gonna be okay i guess #if there's anything im good at its being sad and gaslighting myself that i will be fine #sorry everyone i just need to let it out

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forgotten-daydreamer · 4 months

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tw for op's dangerously irresponsible drinking habits!! i'm a bad example!! i drink the pain away!! don't do this!!

...

so. i just came to after THE most disastrous night. i was hurting. told my friends i needed a drink. purposefully drank way too much, talked about my ex and sex-related traumas to some unifriends, came out as trans to my bff, made it home in one piece god knows how, napped for like an hour with coat and shoes still on and keys still in my hand, then got horribly sick, forced myself to make toast and drink water, got sick again, forced myself to make more toast and drink more water, peed like fifteen times, and woke up like half an hour ago at five something in the morning with toast on the bed? i thought i'd eaten it all? but there is a slice of plain toast on the mattress. phone's battery at 6%, heart coming out of my ass, stomach all fucked up. and my head is fucking killing me. like i don't think i've ever drank this much before. i got home at like 9 pm which means i haven't touched alcohol since 8 and that was over 9 hrs ago. i don't think that my head's still supposed to spin, not after i had water and toast multiple times. i can't even take shit for it because i'm not going to fucking die mixing alcohol and meds. although i think i threw up most of it? anyway. this is like- my new low. unsurprisingly, i'm hurting even more now.

#i feel like i need to throw up again but maybe it's just bc my head hurts #gonna finish the mysterious toast. get up. pee again. drink some water. brush my teeth.->#-> then sleep again until the construction workers on my balcony wake me up #which will happen in huh 2 hrs circa #alcohol tw #alcohol cw #i think this counts as a suicide attempt. that was my intention yesterday. now i just wanna sleep. not suicidal atm #delete later #jason todd would not be proud #update: slept 3 more hrs. had breakfast. now i'm waiting for something to be delivered but after that: shower. mandatory #also my headache is tolerable. nothing a liter of water can't fix

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curiosity-killed · 2 months

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This is my choice and I recognize that but it is always weird when like coworkers are like aw dance is so cute!! when I mostly just. worked a second+ job all weekend

#like I am just. emotionally exhausted #and a little physically exhausted #and they’re like aww little kids!! so cute! so fun!!#and I’m like!!! idk about that folks!! idk!#personal #like I worked all day Thursday -> wrangled children for 1.5 hr -> had terrible 3 hr of rehearsal myself #then worked all day Friday -> wrangled children for 2 hr after #then got up and had 6 hr of terrible rehearsal time -> wrangled children for 3 more hours #and then went out with friends (not work and was good but also meant little sleep)#and then got up someday and (you guessed it) wrangled children for hours while my quote unquote dance coworkers kind of sucked #and you’d think like oh but it’s over that should be a relief #but no! the dread continues with another week of likely terrible rehearsals #and then (hopefully! if I don’t get cut the week of the show!) performances

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stuck-in-the-ghost-zone · 6 months

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oh my god everything makes sense now

#ive had so much troubke sleeping for the last like. 3 weeks. like i havent been getting more than 4 hrs of sleep most nights #and its SUCKED so bad and ive had the worst dreams ever like #its either mind empty blank 0 dreams whatsoever (<< which ive learned also sucks! feels bad and empty in the morning)#or like..trauma nightmares. like im back in high school type nightmares. and a few work stress dreams sprinked in for flavor #lkke this has been. An Issue.#I JUST FIGURED OUT WHY. AND I FEEL SO STUPID #ITS BECAUSE I DONT HAVE LOKI LIVING WITH ME ANYMORE.#im at my parents house for the weekend and . got here at like 8pm last night.#laid on the couch. loki jumped up on thr couch with me to cuddle #and ive always said hes so good at this bc hes warm and he lays on top of me so hes like a weighted blanket #and i cant move my arms to look at my phone or anything so its SO easy to fall asleep w loki cuddles #AT 9PM I FELL ASLEEP. i havent gone to sleep before midnight in like 2 months.#and when i had 2 get up to move to the guest bed he followed me.#and i just woke up from a nightmare and he was on the other side of the bed so i reached my hand out 2 pet him #and he laid his little chin on my hand and oh my god everything makes so much sense now.#ive always kind of half joked abt loki being an esa. because im like. he is. but not officially #hes never been trained for it and we dont have like. documentation for it bc ive never been officially diagnosed for anything (hell world)#so i feel bad calling him that bc it feels like im. disrespecting people that Actually Need esas #(<< coming from.a guy who Actually Needs An ESA Apparently.) what the fuck #head in hands. everything makes so much sense now #and normally id go all science brain on this like oh it was just one night iwas probably just too tired i need more evidence to be sure #but like. i have loterally not slept this well in a month and a half.#I have not gonento sleep before midnight in AT.LEAST the last two weeks. CONSISTENTLY .#head in habds.

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bhalspawn · 6 months

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hey fun fact! wheelchair accessible means i can get inside on my own. if i need a team of at least 3 people to make sure i dont break my neck it's not accessible

#also shout out to the sleeping arrangements: i was on an air mattress on the dining room floor #just a reminder i dont fucking have legs. so that was fun #they were going to put me in the guest house which is downhill. an unpaved uneven hill #if someone had let me go accidentally i wouldve gone straight into the lake #if i HAD gone down (again with a team of at least 3 people. at night. when everyones been drinking.) i wouldve been stuck alone bc it poured #rain from like. midnight on Christmas eve on #so the first night i was on an air mattress and it sunk down during the night so my legs were directly on the hardwood #and they hurt so bad all day! so i had to sleep on the couch in the living room. which meant i had to wait for everyone else to go to bed #and i got like. 5 hrs of a sleep bc everyone was up till 3 and i was woken up at 8am bc my shitty uncle (unrelated to this he's just an ass)#was turning on my cousins daughters toys. elmo slide woke me up which was fun #AND its not like there wasnt a bed downstairs. i found out the master bedroom is downstairs as i got on the air mattress #i dont think its selfish to be upset that they didnt offer. they made me sleep on the dining room floor.#and i was like. 15 feet away from them and they didnt bother lowering their voices which i get #i mean it was christmas eve and i went to bed early bc i hadnt slept well the day before but #they also had the tv on super loud and just. i would be less annoyed if there wasnt a bed i couldve had. instead of. again. a hardwood floor #i mean. fucks sake #wytxt

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kuiinncedes · 6 months

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:’)

#to start this w a good note lol #bro almost all the music i’ve heard since we got to this vacation spot was done on gIee LOLLLL #not even just at the hotel where they were playing xmas music so like ofc a lot of that but also other music #that was just . all done on gIee lmfao #but also on the shuttle ride here from the airport #the driver had like disco music playing and istg it went from like #staying alive to u should be dancing to uhhh disco inferno #to idk if it’s disco but after that was u can’t touch this lmao 😭#on to the not so good part bro it’s day one why i gotta be so sad lmfao #im blaming it on the like 2-3 hrs of sleep 🤩#it ok i actually feel not bad for only 2-3 hrs of sleep before flight LOL i’ve been banking up the sleep so that rly makes a difference lma #i feel fucking ridiculous tho bc i feel lonely af and unwanted on a family trip #bc my brother has a childhood family friend to hang out with who for the fucking record i was also friends with #and last time we were together for a significant amt of time idk why but my brother freaking ignored him basically #ik they exchanged snapchats tho recently and they’re both like buff gym guys now lmfao so idk they’re besties now so #i kinda feel like i can’t hang out w them #and then idk my parents like yeah and then my grandma so i’m just kinda hanging out w my grandma #they all went onto the beach i think and i’m here in a room w my grandma and i spent fucking like 30 minutes watching the beach bc i didn’t #know where they were and they didn’t tell me and like overthinking whether i should go #i got as far as tying my hair up and taking out a change of clothes #and then almost cried and gave up and took out my book and came out on the balcony lmao #like what am i even complaining about. but idk #it all goes back to that lovely middle school friendship that left me fucking devastated bro lmfao 🤩#idk if that’s actually the reason but i’m blaming it all on that LMAO #anyway we’re here for a while so . i’ll just chill and read today bc i do want to read more and i kinda in the mood recently #also another thing was that my skin is still being a little fucking bitch #and i’m so hesitant abt doing anything w it so like going in ocean water #anyway. fuck my fucking brain i hate it here #it’ll be better tmrw when i’ve had some fucking sleep lmfao #jeanne talks

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beesinspades · 7 months

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pros of starting T: many in the long term

cons of starting T especially during a streak of anxiety-caused health issues: wondering if I'm about to die every time I get a new symptom

#i also got the flu shot on the same day but it was 10 days ago now #and then i kid you not the next day my dad got the flu so i was under stress until i left catsitting yesterday #first i had increased heart rate and palpitations #then it got better and then it came back but just the palpitations the HR is not as high as the first couple days #then i had Feeling Unwell kinda like nausea in the upper chest but no wanting to throw up #and now on top of all that i woke up at 3:30 dealing with a dry hot flash #im overheating under the blanket but im cold outside of it so that with the anxiety i haven't been able to go back to sleep #OTL #it has to be my body adjusting to T + stress!!! Im not dying!!!!!! [KNOCKS ON WOOD]#bee rants #googled and actually might not be a hot flash because they're not supposed to last this long weeeee 🤪#it's been two hours and a half can i feel normal again please #before i actually start freaking out

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iknowitwontwork · 7 months

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How are you doing, bestie?

mehhhhhhh

#i also have to study for this english test tmrw and i dont wanna but i'll go in some time #and make bio diagrams i think?? and math assignment #all this i have to do before tmrw ://#and i feel like just lying in my bed and rotting + i had 5 hrs of sleep lmao #anyway hru #asks #jake<3 #the loveliest mutuals💕✨

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clownpassing · 9 months

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drove nick home last night bc he was absolutely fucked up on shrooms n alcohol and i am so worried about him today bc he lost his phone, wallet, And keys. we were supposed to hang out and yeah i will be sad if that doesn't happen but also i just hope physically and mentally he is ok today

#txt #op #he was saying some really dark shit about himself on the car ride to his house #and also he kissed me like a lot which idk how to feel about that because yes of course i want him so incredibly bad #but also i wish he would do that when he's not super fucked up #had stress dreams abput him and i was supposed to get another 3 hrs of sleep today but i just can't until i know he has his stuff

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wariocompany · 1 year

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Also I like that the emergency room is always so damn slow please give me the ok to work I know I am licherally fine

#The only reason I'm here is because the nurse on call said I had to go #I'm on 1 hr sleep also #Fell asleep at like 2 and the fan caught fire at 3 #snororokkk

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green-eyes-and-orange-ties · 1 year

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Tag talk

#hey beans #going old school tag rambles here - not NSP related #just that I might a lil quiet over the next couple of weeks as I 'lost' an agreement with a friend #i agreed back in july/august last year that if i didn't manage to get 6 hours or more of sleep on 2 consecutive nights #across the next 8months then I'd go back to sleeping tablets #(just over the counter stuffs nothing dramatic dw)#i really thought i had the winning side of the agreement ngl but they reminded me this week :/#I also am still training the new person so work hours are long atm #and im almost losing my voice from explaining things #and the added gravel/depth to my voice makes it so tempting to continue fucking my voice up #i wont - but god its tempting #but if im gonna be working the hours i do and actually sleeping Imma have less time to make stuff for here :'(#especially for the first couple of weeks while i adjust to the loss of hrs in the day #Im also looking after my friends cats across the next week and doing boat construction and have a commission to make as well as my 9-6 job #okay it sounds like a lot when you list it but its not really (or at least not when you dont sleep...)#anyway i hope to be able to make some original content for here but i cant promise #sorry Beans #<3 <3 <3

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bunnyfella · 26 days

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I dont like being sick.

#so far it isnt hell (beside not being able to breathe so i couldnt sleep for like 3 hrs last night)#that said i had a weird fuckn dream #anywho #and also was trying to remember batwoman's civilian identity. is it kate wayne?? does Bruce have other cousins???????

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mement0--m0ri · 3 months

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Sometimes, I look back and realise how far I've come with my disabilities and, in particular, my mental health.

Then I suddenly realise I've been awake for 2 days straight and am surviving purely out of spite, and the same song on repeat for the last 4 hours.

Hypermania is a wild ride, yo.

#but for real. my spotify wrapped is going to probably be just a 1000 hrs of the same nina simone song #and its not all bad. ive been struggling with sleep for about 2 months straught now #but Im so ahead with uni at the moment that I actually have time to be bored for once #and ive been hella creative over the last week #like creating again has been amazing #ive already sketched up my next three tattoos (because im one of those wanky people that actually creates ever piece of art on myself)#also I've been using my tablet to draw instead of paper and holy shit is this a game changer. never going bad to pleb paper and pencil #also on the weekend I read 3 novels. 3!#who needs sleep anyway #i just need to find skincare that can hide the fact that I havent had a proper sleep schedule since 2012 #personal

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mongoose-king · 5 months

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EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE (excited, genuine)

#had staff party for work tonight #gonna preface this with none of us are normal when it comes to are work environment lol its chaos and we're hr nightmares (affectionate)#anyways confessed feelings to a coworker after heavy flirting between us #its been a flirty thing for a while but like. started as silly friends thing ans evolved into ''oh. oh I have feelings for them.''#and they return them????#I did say like. we take this at your pace. bc while we are both polyam and stuff #they wanna talk w their husband first n stuff #(we've all been to a sex/kink club together lmao)#but GOD I wish theyd realize how PRECIOUS they are inside and out #so good. so adorable. pretty. handsome. thoughtful. caring. feral. good. kind. protective. considerate.#(and super cute when flustered :3€ hehe)#also for lulz they never expected me to be a flirt/tease but by gods when I wanna flirt I FUCKIN CAN it is NOT subtle #it is OBVIOUS it is OVERT #its a semi-recent thing but hehehehehheeheheheheheheheh #and our assistant manager was like ''YIPEE also ur gay ♡ ily''#we love her shes gr8 we say the staff at our store is a cult who worships the assistant manager lmao #ANYHOO night night its almost 6 am ive had a bunch of alcohol and I need to sleep bc Im seeing a movie w Sad--tree later today lmao #oops I didnt mean to be out this late 😅#MongoosePosting.txt

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chisungie · 7 months

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#fitbit averaging my recent sleeplogs to 5hs and asking if thats enough sleep um!#no not really! 😵‍💫#i also. cant go back to sleep for some reason so fuck me ig </3 maybe ill nap later sobs #anyw i honestly expected my log average to be lower 🤔 like i did get 5-5-7 recently but the other days r like. 2 #2-2-3. which is insane actually what the fuck is wrong w me 🤦‍♀️#i think its cause i had this bad habit of sleeping late. waking up after 2-3hrs. doing what i had to do in the morning.#then going back to sleep for another few hrs to get me 6 to 8 total hours.. which doesnt quite work anymore bc i dont go back to bed 😵‍💫#aNYWAY...#44597

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crankyforever · 8 months

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finished two and a half hours worth of chores and now i'm debating btwn staying up to snack on a lil treat as a reward or trying to make up some lost sleep

#amihan.txt #ended up binge reading a new webtoon last night and had maybe 3 hrs of sleep at most :#i'm in that state where i don't FEEL sleepy or tired but ohhh boy. i know i'll feel it tom when i wake up lmao #but would also like reward for work...

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