#but ive really gotten a better understanding of the actual person i am

[joyridingmp3]

2 years to the date that all of my hard work paid off and i was able to buy a home for myself and finally, at long long long long last, able to escape my abusive parents house. not just a house, but a home, and that difference has always been important to me. i feel mostly astounded by how quickly the years have passed since then, but also proud. not just of the achievement but also the way that i've been able to get to know myself, develop my identity, and figure out who i am in that short period of time. it's amazing the way you get to flourish in a world with stability (and not just in the material sense but that too!) when you're not spending every second running from and avoiding life altering trauma. i have some really exciting opportunities coming up to better help me work towards that very soon and hopefully the trajectory continues. it was such a difficult 24 years in getting there a couple of years ago and i really didn't think i'd even make it at times but my god it was so worth waiting for.

[hecksupremechips]

Posts about bpd need to stop being so damn relatable to me 🤨

[yanny09]

My personal experience with Aphrodite

What is aphrodite like? persistent. oh my STARS i remember when i was a witchling and i had my first three deities, i kept getting persephone and aphrodites name mixed up and i ALWAYS felt so guilty and upset. i tried to distance myself from her but EVERY SINGLE TIME she pulled me right back with a very clear sign of "hey? hello? I WANT TO WORK WITH YOU??" but i just wouldnt understand. amazing dawnbreaker your SO good at this!! it was to the point where she had to appear in my dream for me to go "yep. okay. deity id needed." How do i see aphrodite? Like the literal definition of love and war, she is very loving and caring to her followers but still try to instill the "if you need to stand up for yourself when you are in the wrong, do so." she doesnt like it when you openly let people walk all over you, if you can you should stand up for yourself or at least say your peace. ive always seen ocean imagery when thinking about aphrodite, and alot of pink and a lot of sea salt too!! shes like when you go to the ocean and the sky is so clear and the water is just the right tempurature What was the biggest shock you gotten when working with aphrodite? just how present she felt, she wasnt quite about wanting to work with me she was very open about it. sure, if i really REALLY didnt want to for any reason we probably would of postponed it till i felt emotionally ready. i think that in itself is a shock, shes open but she isnt exactly forceful. What was the least shocking thing when working with aphrodite? i felt better about my looks, a little more secure. not in the "oh its a fact im pretty because people say i am" but more like a "i personally like how i look" AND I THANK HER FOR THAT CHANGE EVERYDAY. i also found my own style in her honor, to actually say no to clothes that my family said "oh do you want this?" is a lesson i should never forget because i felt super guilty when i say yes and never wear the item

[dragonstailbutch]

Hey sorry i am trying to like. find examples of what you mean when you talk about mra stuff and (trans)misogyny in forcemasc content and tumblr search has betrayed me once again, can you explain?

(sorry I normally wouldn't ask but I wanna make sure I'm not perpetuating anything!! Also fucking tumblr search!!! it is ridiculous!)

so ive been sitting on this ask for months since ive got it. i want to do it justice and try to take it at face value that its being honest in asking.

The thing is, theres this trend and a weird amount of effort to be like force femme, to be forceful and like its something to fearful of and give in to. But we cant do that, cause all that does is reinforce the idea that being a man is a toxic thing. I saw this post the other day where a transman talked about like, the whole "raised as a weapon" thing, the violence and horror of being a man and raised that way versus how they felt growng into it as a transman. How they wanted to reclaim that phrase or something? i could be misremembering.

But that was never the intent of forcemasc. It wasnt actually about being a dude, literally *forcing* someone who was unwilling into masculinity, none of the posts that i made that started the community (and yes i, a transfem butch woman, started and made this community and some of yall need to get over yourselves) were ever about that, it was intended to be a soft mimic or even a call to forcefemme.

i was all about making it soft and tender for a reason, cause if i didnt i was only reinforcing the toxic masculinity narrative, "men fighting in the mud" "men are dominant and cool" " to be a man is to be forced into masculinity and to be disgusted with the feminine" or whatever. When masculinity isnt about just men, and being butch isnt just being masculine. masculinity should also be sensitivity, not domination. i wanted it to be better, show a better side of what masculinity could be, what being butch is.

Ive spoken before a bit too, about the tags people used and added to forcemasc, and really maybe i was wrong in ever naming it forcemasc. people used and still use tags like autoandrophilia, autoandrophile, androphile, autogynephilia, androphilia, and autogynephile. Ive seen so many people with urls and tags and posts calling themselves transandrobros, literally calling themselves MRAs, as if that was something to be proud of, as if they dont understand that they arent fighting for their and our rights, they're fighting for cis-mens rights by using those names and terms, not transmascs/transmens rights. I can understand ignorance, but weve talked about how the words you use have history, especially those like the tags i mentioned and androphilia and androphobia and others, all of them have roots in deeeeeeeply misogynistic and transphobic people and history.

Literally all of these are awful and are phrases that arent and wont be reclaimed because theyre history is one of pain and hurting trans people, one of coercive 'help', literal forced detransitioning and reinforcement of MRA and terf narrative that men are both good and the worst creature alive and that to be a woman is to be disgusting and the purest thing all at once. That to be a transwoman is sick and we shouldnt be trusted.

Im trying to be very kind, not scream and rage, not because i dont desperately want to, but because if i do, as a butch transwoman, ESPECIALLY cause i claim being butch, people wont listen to me no matter how much of what i say is meaningful. one of the reasons why im doing this NO, instead of in anothr day or two, is that im coming to terms with the fact that the situation will just get qorse, not better without words.

Part of why im still sane is that ive gotten a couple asks here and there about how my posts and creation of the community has helped them and its so wonderful to see that, genuinely so amazing to see people recontextualize and love themselves. its wonderful and im so fucking happy about it.

i personally made this space so i could love myself, who i am as a trans person and my body, and i knew that other people needed and wanted that for themselves too and i wanted to help, share this love with more people. That to be hairy and chubby and masculine and butch was a nice thing. But to me it feels like it was coerced into being a thing for Men. A thing no longer for me or people like me who share the butch culture and name to no longer enjoy cause people unfamiliar with kink and tran history have decided that masculinity and butchness are the exact same thing. Id say people should go be a bear, but you wont learn their culture either and thats cruel and insulting to bears.

We deserve better You deserve better. Stop falling for the lies and hate. We beg you

[ivantillceo]

response to the callout post

hello ! recently , i was added to the rentryblr blocklist and a callout post was made about me , and im here to address everything in it and discuss that . originally i wasn't going to reply , but i figured it'd be better to instead of just staying quiet .

first : profiction

i don't really have anything to say about this . i am profiction , i use the label in sense that i think it's silly to bully or harass people over the fiction they make or consume . that's about it . i understand a lot of people have a problem with profiction people , which i have no issue with . the reason it was put " discreetly " is simply because i dont see a reason to discuss it . it's not something either of my blogs center around .

second : tcoaal

so apart of the callout post was about me being a tcoaal fan . im not into tcoaal anymore . i used to enjoy the game when it first started gaining traction but i lost interest in it quickly due to getting into things like bandom instead .

i often don't update my rentries . obviously i change the theme in them , but when it comes to things like my interests page and my url hoard and actually updating the content in them , i don't really change them , as my interests come and go very quickly , that's why tcoaal is still there . people will still be uncomfortable with me once being into it , which is fine , i can completely understand why someone wouldn't like the game or the fans of it .

tl dr ; i don't like tcoaal anymore , it's an old interest of mine that i just forgot to remove but I understand why people would be uncomfortable with me once liking it .

third : the urls

another part of the callout about me was relating to different urls i have , specifically relating to darkships and such .

i very rarely update my url hoard . as you can obviously tell with the old theme of kaveh , i very rarely touch that url hoard , not to mention , it is over a year old . all the urls relating to things like kaeluc and other darkships are all over a year old i believe , and were hoarded when i was a very bad person in very bad spaces ( radqueer community , shedtwt community , in a bad relationship , etc ) , i often used those types of ships at some attempt to cope with everything happening then . i honestly forgot they existed , and haven't touched them since the day they were taken . i dont really ship darkships anymore . obviously i should've paid more attention to my url hoard , and gotten rid of those urls . ive been meaning to go through my hoard for awhile and just haven't had the motivation to do it . that doesn't change the fact that i shouldn't have taken those urls in the first place , it was a bad decision i made a long time ago .

tldr ; i dont ship those ships anymore , the urls are very old and i just forgot i owned them , that however doesn't change i shouldn't have taken them in the first place .

fourth : the post

tw sh mentions

the final part of the post is a post i made saying i would hit a vein in front of someone bc they said i wasnt ivan ( alnst ) .

this was ridiculous for me to post , that much is obvious . i was just in a very bad mood , ive been in a very bad state of mind for a long time due to my stepdad and mother splitting up and friendship issues at school , which is why i posted that and why ive posted a lot of things that are upsetting recently . obviously that definitely does not excuse me posting that , especially not with tws only in the tags . it was an irresponsible thing for me to do , especially since i have a lot of mutuals and a lot of followers on my editing account and it could've easily reached a lot of people . i also just want to clarify the post was not directed at anyone on here , it had nothing to do with any of my mutuals or followers or anything , it was said because of something someone said to me on my insta .

the person who made the callout post stated i should go to a professional and seek help irl instead of going to tumblr and things along those lines , and I will say this : i have professional help . ive been in multiple types of therapy since i was about ten , i am also medicated and have a psychiatrist . however , i have not been able to see them frequently ( only about once a month ) due to the situation with my homelife and because money has gotten tighter recently , which has resulted in my health declining rapidly . i also don't really have a support system outside of my girlfriend and fps , so sometimes i post vents and rambles on tumblr in order to try and not vent to them too much as they all have their own lives , and i dont want to seem like im using them as therapists .

tl dr : it was irresponsible for me to post and i shouldn't have done it , and i also have professional help .

fifth : breaking dnis

my intention was to never break anyone's dni . i often do not check dni's , which is a mistake on my part and i should probably get into the habit of checking them more . i do not purposefully try to break dni's , it's just a simple mistake of me not checking them . i often just follow people i see when scrolling through tags and such without checking their profiles for a dni . our amnesia can also be very heavy , so it's not uncommon for us to simply forget certain peoples dni lists .

final statement :

i apologize for everything . it was never my intention to make any of my mutuals or followers upset . i don't expect forgiveness or anything like that , this is simply to clear everything up and make an attempt at explaining everything . i will update my rentries to remove the urls and such , and any vents or triggering posts i make will have both warning tags and a proper statement . i will also try my best to follow dnis from now on , please feel free to send me a message or an ask if i have broken your dni as well .

none of what im saying is an attempt to excuse any of my behavior , it is rather explanations . i mean none of this aggressively either . i take full accountability for any harm or discomfort i might've caused as well , and i apologize for anything i did that made people upset .

i also apologize if there's any typos or if anything is worded wrong , feel free to ask me for clarification on anything and feel free to send me a message or an ask to ask any questions you might have .

[the0ther-side0f-dawn]

long personal post about how actually things have gotten better

warning: mention of heavy topics

so im deciding to start re-embracing the joy and sincerity and vulnerability i had at 15. Tumblr was literally my diary.

however the suicidal ideation of being 15? no. tho we still have bouts of hopelessness, but its different now. however i do rlt struggle to refer to that time as being suicidal, but im not sure there is a better word. like i did not want to live, but i did not want to die - because all of my thoughts and logic had me convinced that yeh, it could (and likely would) be worse ... moving on...

i also used to actually reblog stuff. not just scroll and like. and ive been reblogging more lately.

why wasnt i reblogging or posting?

at some point i became very repressed. i shut down self expression and started just internalising all of my lows and lots of other thoughts. i had some bad friendships and experiences and shitty home life where i adapted by just burying everything. not just the bad stuff. i was terrified of judgement and having the things i enjoyed and cared about and liked, be torn to shreds. i was also very scared to say the wrong thing (thanks Tumblr Moral Perfectionism and Purity Culture). but whilst im still not comfortable sharing my passions and emotions IRL... thats just common sense. its mostly family and experience has taught me that they will insult me. i am a lot less afraid of cringe. and im a lot more confident in my own thoughts and opinions. we could also talk about how fandom died for me in 2016 and iykyk. like i lost hope and didn't see the point trying to care again if loss was inevitable. its one of those grand philosophical questions and my answer was that it was better to have no joy or love than it was to risk having something and suffering the pain of losing it... but that is an anxiety mindset. you cannot be happy living out of caution. the greatest joy comes not without risk.

anyways, for a few years now, ive really been on the up. i got some diagnoses which meant I could finally start to understand myself and what was going on and why, and I could learn to manage it. And im not just talking mental/neurodivergence. i was also really physically sick for a long time and im still dealing with the trauma of that because noone fucking believed me (ps. if anyone knew me during that time and you did believe me. thanks. but also despite my memory being shit, ive got to say noone rly knew me during that time. i was very shutdown and had very limited interaction with anyone.) and all i just kept hearing about during that time was how lazy I was and how i must have a really low pain tolerance but ANYWAY. point is, im doing better.

still not living in a perfect situation, and im still not well (i never will be, such is the nature of "chronic" ) but im not living in a state of fear and dread every single day. im in a much better place.

am i exhausted constantly bc i now have a fulltime job and it is unnecessarily stressful and also physically demanding and also i have very little energy to begin with? yeh. but also do i love my job? also yes.

do i have very real concerns that im going to burn out and/or my condition will worsen and i will be unable to work and support myself and i wont have a safety net? also yeh. thats that bouts of hopelessness i mentioned earlier.

but mostly, im doing okay.

i dont have as many friendships as i used to, or any especially close friends but, the people i do have in my life are good people. i dont feel constantly scared that i will say the wrong thing - something embarrassing or awkward or questionable - and that they will abandon me. there is a sense of security.

i dont rly have anyone that I feel completely comfortable and relaxed around but im getting there. Like very almost there, for the first time in my entire life. i can see the possibility of being accepted and at ease. and it is really only me holding myself back. (one day i will figure out how to relax).

i constantly joke about having cured my anxiety but honestly? i kind of did. the thought patterns are still there but I'm so much better equipped to recognise and manage those thoughts. my every action is no longer dictated by my anxiety. most of the time I'm barely aware of what im doing. which thats its own issue... But im no longer in a perpetual state of hypervigilance and that is good. im not even on antidepressants anymore. I've got the anxiety under control, not the other way around.

if 15 year old me met me now- she would be slightly disappointed that i didnt have my own place - but otherwise she would be so shocked at how well i function and how confident i am and how happy i am, and shocked that i now actually want to live a life.

im also, as i said, making an effort to actually give a fuck again. im gonna start caring about things and im not gonna shut up about it.

im going to be more open and honest. and im going to learn how to be me.

being vulnerable is the absolute most terrifying thing but thats my goal. thats the necessary risk. it won't come easily or naturally or right away, but i will get there.

things are looking up.

[vai3r13]

Hello hello! :) I’m here for our matchup trade for Black Butler! (I sent the pictures for the Paparazzi end :) )

Starting off I am a neurodivergent, queer (but attracted to masculinity) female. I go by she/they and im an INFP Sagittarius.

Physically, I am a 5’2” but wear platform converse or boots every day of my life. Style wise, im definitely alternative. However, Im also a fan of the baggy jeans, tight top, kinda side of grunge. Im also a sucker for black with pastels, so I suppose my color pallete would fall under “Pastel Goth” or something similar. I actually really love the style called “Morute” which stands for “Morbidly Cute”. I just absolutely adore the creepy-cute combination, and i aspire to look like a creepy doll somedays.

That also would lead into hobbies, as I love dolls! I collect them and will gush over them any time i see one in public i like. Especially going to cons and seeing the little stands with BJD dolls? I go feral-...and broke. My entire room is decorated in pretty dolls, anime figures, manga, and cherry blossom vines. (I really want a cherry blossom tattoo on my back but im terrified of needles-) My other hobbies include writing, skateboarding, singing/making music, and dancing! I have a band with friends right now. I’m training my voice to be a metal singer despite having a feminine voice, so im a bit shy with it right now.

Personality wise, I suppose it tends to fluctuate, but i think what sticks the most is that I'm extremely sweet and loyal. I used to be very shy, and can even be pretty quiet nowadays too. Im definitely introverted but, ive gotten much better with it. Friends would definitely say that im bubbly, always trying to laugh. Definitely witty too because I absolutely love bantering and softly bullying people. Id say im very emotionally intelligent when it comes to other people. Im definitely a realist, and im told im very good with advice and empathizing with people. I feel i understand other emotions more than mine sometimes. Which annoys me- Because I have a habit of not expressing anything negative. I think it might be due to past trauma, but I have a hard time staying angry or upset with people. Its like- once you screw me over, i have no issues getting rid of you. I dont like that i can easily disconnect from people, as I feel it makes me sound like a bad person, but I just feel l like if i know my worth, and someone isnt treating me as they should, I shouldnt keep them in my life. That does go to say though, that I am an all or nothing person with people I care about. If i am your friend, I trust you can come to me with anything and I vice versa no matter what. I always come through and i expect the same. 

Another bad habit though would be disappearing. I wouldnt call it ghosting because I always pop back up, but I usually dont respond or see people for weeks or even months, even close friends. Most that are close know that if they need to talk to me, they have to double text or call me. Ill always answer then. I dont mean to, I just for some reason am really consistent with randomly dropping off the face of the earth for everyone but my partner, or person closest. Texts are always paragraphs though! Im not a dry texter, just forget I exist and have to respond :) Not to mention, i have ran away out of state before just for the sake of going and exploring. (Did a lot of Urbex and trespassing- it was fun but i dont think ill ever go to abandon buildings like that again. That doesnt mean ill stop climbing trains though!) I just love road trips and little late night adventures. 

Some notes about me… Id say my fears involve needles, the dark (I sleep with a nightlight but love horror-), Clowns, and deep water. I cannot swim and have nearly drowned before so I actually hate going swimming. I dont see the appeal and start to panic if i cant see or touch the bottom. I wouldnt say im scared of spiders though like most. I actually am the person my job calls for to grab spiders and take them outside. If theyre cute, ill just grab them with my hand. Another thing is that I have OCD and PTSD. My OCD isnt the typical stereotype of being clean, Im just very routine with patterns. The person im with has to be okay with frequent alarms I set for different time frames, my strange eating habits (I cant have anything touching, one food at a time, soft foods over crunchy, and i absolutely love bananas but cant eat them unless someone peels them for me while im not looking) I also get very paranoid about certain things, like for example, i get little episodes sometimes where I freak out because I believe Ill inherent my dads schizophrenia and Ill because dissociated with reality, so whoever im with needs to be able to help assure me i wont just lose my mind- That being said, my least favorite love language is touch! I can be touched, but its very easy to overwhelm my due to past trauma. I also flinch very easily without even thinking and it gets annoying when people make fun of it. Because of this as well, im a very silent walker and tend to scare people because i subconsciously make myself as unnoticeable as possible. Im also an insomniac. I will not go to bed until the sun is up, and even then I wake up very easily. My doctor keeps trying to give me medications for it so i can sleep better, but its so ironic because I stop taking them constantly because I hate feeling tired. SO someone who doesnt mind being up a bit late would be appreciated :) 

Random facts are: I absolutely adore raccoons and rats, and used to be a rat mom! I’ll spit out little rodent facts like im google. I know morse code. Im an amazing driver. I will get you there fast and safe….fast as in i max out my car frequently and if i get one more traffic misconduct i lose my license. BUT i know how to be safe with taking those risks, if that makes sense? Like i know where and when to speed and when not to- Most people fear getting in the car with me. But other than that, i think that’s it for now! Thank you <3

Hello!<3 @xxchthonicreaturexx

I apologize for any mistakes! English is not my native language and I'm new to writing:) Written in "you" perspective

possible tw - talk of mental health, mentions of unhealthy relationship ig? idk how healthy grim reapers r, mentions of drowning and suicide

barely proofread

To start, you're gorg and going off of everything I think your Black Butler match would be..

Undertaker !!

Both visually and personality wise I think you would compliment each-other! In my opinion your energies have something similar.

visual

I think Undertaker would like your piercings, he has an industrial himself.

small head cannons

You both have black nail polish, so painting each others nails as a cute activity:)

Doing each others eyeliner/make up.

classic

Undertakers mbti type most likely is ISTJ while yours is INFP. While your compatibility can seem difficult at first, by appreciating each others differences you "balance" each other out.

Sagittarius and Aquarius are an energetic match, being air and fire signs your elements fit seamlessly. In astrology, air feeds fire.

"i can easily disconnect from people"

Is a trait both of your star signs posses, a similarity that needs to be balanced between the two of you.

In terms of style I can see you in lots of similar/ partner outfits, as your style is somewhat similar too. Undertaker would, just like you, adore pastel goth and a creepy cute, dolly like aesthetic, - not on him but most definitely on his partner.

I think Undertaker would definitely share your love for dolls, acquiring many dolls and gifting them to you.

As we can see in the Luxury Liner arc, I'd say he has his own love for "dolls", if you know what I'm saying.

As for your other hobbies I think Undertaker wouldn't exactly share your interest in them, but he'd definitely support you. Ex. Watching your band perform, making tea to soothe your voice after you've practiced. He'd definitely be one to annoy and tease you in a joking manner, while you're writing or doing other things.

You being more calm/quiet and Undertakers more energetic and chaotic certainly harmonize. You'd participate in a lot of witty banter and Undertakers life mission would be to make you laugh all the time. He'd adore your sweetness and bubbly-ness (is that even a word??) and your loyalty would be VERY important to him. While he acts and is mostly carefree, I think deep down he still wary of deep connections with people, as he doesn't really have friends.

When he achieves said connection tho he might not always act like it but he'd be sort of possessive. Wouldn't let you get very close to Sebastian or Ciel out of a fear, that they would use you against him in some way. It takes a while for him to tell you what he is, it takes him a while to trust someone 100% wouldn't talk about how it happened tho.

I think arguments wouldn't happen very often, when they do tho they would happen out of Undertakers disregard for "human customs", ex. relationships with other people, etc. Undertaker doesn't resort to screaming, he wouldn't even comprehend that you're mad or annoyed with him. After a few days of not talking much he'd try and talk, bring you something, dolls, sweets, whatever. Makes you sit down and explain what's bothering you, wouldn't always get it but he'd try. Makes up by gifting you dolls or figurines.

Would get worried the first few times you disappear, always manages to find you tho. Absolutely goes exploring with you, might not say it but part of the reason why, is because he's worried about you.

Teases you about your fear of the dark, always lights a candle for you at night tho. Undertaker has died through drowning, as shown in a manga panel, so he shares your fear of water. It serves as a constant reminder for him, so you both don't see the appeal.

Might sound weird but he's fascinated with your OCD habits, he asks you about them. Once you explained them, he always makes sure that your food is arranged the way you like it and peels your bananas for you. Doesn't mind the alarms you set, can be your personal alarm clock actually.

Undertaker has dealt with a lot throughout his long life, he has his own problems. He will always assure you that you're going to be okay. Another thing, that might seem insensitive but sometimes he'd joke that you'll be "crazy" together.

Undertaker's very touchy by nature, I would say. After noticing you flinch, he'd be unsure if his presence and being a grim reaper still intimidates you in some way, if he decides talking to you about it, Undertaker will resort to gift giving and quality time.

Being a quiet walker doesn't matter with Undertaker, as he senses your presence, he isn't human after all, or easy to startle.

Grim Reapers require both sleep and sustenance, but have you seen Undertaker? That man runs on two hours of sleep maximum, he also definitely wouldn't mind staying up late. Dancing late at night, while nobody is watching, is definitely a reoccurring activity in a relationship with the Undertaker. He can be a bit overbearing at times.

Depending what century you're imagining this in, Undertaker loves when you drive, it's sort of an adrenaline rush for him.

head canons

-

Doing each others makeup, sitting on a coffin or your bed. "You have to be still, for me not to smudge the eyeliner!!", while he tries to tickle or smooch you.

_

Painting each others nails and making a cute date night out of it, lots of candles around you for the atmosphere. Playful banter, which ends in you two cuddling in a coffin.

-

Going out to explore the woods, him following closely behind you, suddenly disappearing just to appear in front of you, scaring you in the process, making Undertaker burst out laughing. Holding out a hand to help you climb onto things.

-

Exploring the city at night, when the people are sleeping and the bustling and usually loud streets of London are completely empty. Even jumping roof to roof. (This reminded me of that one Howl's moving castle scene. 01:47-02:10 in the linked video)

-

Late at night, while both of you aren't sleeping, Undertakers shop is dark, except for the dozens of candles littered across the room, as a music box starts playing a soft melody. Undertaker coming up behind you and offering you a hand, as you start dancing across his shop, moving through the space together, occasionally stepping on each others feet and giggling.

Again, it's my first time writing and English isn't my first language. I hope you could still enjoy this<3

[anonzentimes]

In regards to Nagito's voice sounding insincere in English dub; I know it's not the same thing, but as an autistic person Ive had some people mistake me for being sarcastic when I wasnt, especially as a kid. When I was really little I moved from a place where kids had to call every adult "ma'am/sir" to a place no one did that, and teachers complained to my parents that I was "rude and sarcastic" when I was polite and not-sarcastic??? Idk if this makes you feel better, but I guess I have a misunderstanding in common with Nagito.

Honestly, now that you say that the interpretation of Nagito being his honest self but sounding sarcastic so he's misunderstood that way on top of everything else is super tragic, it may hinder a chunk of the audience's understanding, but it's still an amazing way of thinking about it writing wise.

Also dude, wow, I am so sorry you had to go through that?? That sounds so frustrating, from the sound of things it sounds like things have gotten better? I hope so at least? Hope you're doing well!

For me, I struggle more with words and the feeling of helplessness when I'm not being understood. It doesn't happen too often anymore, but I genuinely do remember having meltdowns so bad about literally not knowing a word I needed to express myself when I was a toddler that I screamed so much someone had called the cops thinking I was being abused, which, arguably the COPS showing up made me melt down more LMAO??? I have a small memory of being under a table and hiding away from cops because I was afraid they'd take me away and that my mom called them, when in ACTUALITY it was just the neighbors concerned about me.

All of that to say, yeah, I definitely relate, the feeling of being misunderstood and the helplessness that it brings is so overwhelming, I never had issues with my "tone" necessarily but I've always had issues with my expressions. I'm a lot more expressive than I feel so a lot of the time I can't understand what expression I'm making and it's led to some horrible social interactions where I was making a more intense face than intended.

For some reason, the easiest ways for me to have a mental breakdown is not being able to communicate and two people talking to me with an annoyed tone, so I always felt super empathetic to Nagito in the first chapter upon rewatching it. Everyone yelling at you that you're the murderer? Ganging up on you like that? While you can't communicate or explain yourself truly? Yeah, i'd break too, I think that's genuine, and he's clever enough to use his meltdown to his advantage to attempt to convince them he's the killer. Of course it doesn't work though!

[letstrythisout4]

I think what I dislike most about snape is that he could be such a great teacher/mentor but he just isn't. Like we know from Half-Blood Prince that not only does he understand the material of potions as it exists but he actually knows how to improve it, to make it better. This could be the equivalent of learning multiple ways to get the same answer in math, like- Theres a scene in Prisoner (i think) where neville adds too much of an ingredient and fucks up the potion. That could be a really good teaching moment if snape just wasnt an assehole “oh you added too much of this, well class, whenever this happens you're going to want to add more of this and that to counteract it.” HOW DIFFICULT WOULD THAT BE- Because of the amount of fandom content i consume I don’t hate Snape, this fandom has really made me consider him as a person. But like I will never get over the fact that in the canon he’s just a straight up bully. Like dawg is SUCH a fucking missed opportunity. Imagine if maybe in books 1 & 2 there's a misunderstanding where he thinks Harry is a little piece of shit but then he slowly grows to realize that harry’s life actually kind sucks. And he never really likes harry but he isn’t a god awful person to Harry and his friends for no damn reason. And I think this wouldn’t bother me if he wasn’t meant to have a redemption arch. Like if it was just snape sucks even though he’s on the right side that would be fine, great example of shitty people can still make good choices, but that’s not the intention, the intention is that we just excuse all of his behavior and it just doesnt fucking work like that. I think maybe its cause im a student but there is nothing worse than a teacher who willingly doesnt teach, expects you to do well, blames you if you dont, even though they didnt fucking teach you and just put the information on the board without explanation, and then publicly shames you not only for academics but also your personal life/ appearance. I have a lot of respect for writers in the fandom for making him a more fleshed out character, the older ive gotten the more i understand him (i too am quite the bitch). But Snape as a teacher and an adult in these kids lives is my confront character

[josephtrohman]

wait, now I'm curious, can you show your fob tattoos?

sorry for the delay anon, i wanted to take the time to potentially take some better pics and i had a very busy evening last night lol. tattoo tour under the cut!!!

my futct keyhole tattoo was my first tattoo gotten at the beginning of february :3 i can’t wait to go back to this artist bc she killed it but it also was my most expensive tattoo (understandably so) so i need to save up but i have more non fob ideas i want to take to her based on her portfolio. it’s a little purple cuz this is from when it was still fresh and the purple is from the stencil but i feel a lil self conscious about my arm rn so i can’t take a better pic rn lol it’s not purple tho

this one was the second one i got and it’s a difficult location for me to photograph since this is on the outside of my ankle lol. i got this one incredibly impulsively near the end of february, bc i had a stressful evening and before going to bed i looked up tattoo shops near me that had online booking availability for the next day, and i booked after looking at the guy’s portfolio a bit even tho he practices more traditional styles n traditional tattoos aren’t my fav. i really wanted to get something special to remember my 8ball, and i was really excited and proud about coming up with this idea on my own!! this one i was slightly upset with at first bc i just think i should have waited but now that ive gotten used to it i appreciate it soooo much more!!!! and now im really happy and think it looks cool :) also this one hurt like a BITCH i wasn’t expecting it given the relative ease of my first one (the shading was rough on the first one but that was it), and the guy even offered me numbing spray for the black, but i powered through and he was very impressed with me and said i was tough lol :)

these next two i got at the same time and for some reason i can’t take a good pic of the one rn (it’s got a lot of adhesive on it from removing the second skin so it looks kinda bad right at this moment until the adhesive washes off more, but beware the second picture has a little bit of blood)

pls don’t make fun of my chubby arm but anyways these two i got at the same time just this past saturday from a lady who specializes in tiny tattoos :) the xo is based on how it actually appears on the back of the record, and she tried to font match it and i think it’s soooooooo cute (it’s rly little on my wrist, so little she just charged me for the i swear i say tattoo!!!). i know it’s kind of crazy to get two tattoos for the same song but 1) that’s my song im the number one highest streamer on stats fm, 2) xo has gotten me through so much :( i am considering one more xo tattoo in the future (getting “love never wanted me but i took it anyway” in pete’s handwriting using the font someone made out of his handwriting). but it’s my plan to wait on that one and make that be a far future tattoo, UNLESS they play xo as my 8ball in which case my ass will get it the next chance i get. lol

i maybe have one or two fob themed tattoos i’m potentially interested in getting in the future but that’s like a long term thing, i want to get some tribute to whatever my 8ball may be at minneapolis to go with my fame < infamy tattoo, especially if they play a song that’s one of MY songs, but this is generally where i’ll leave the fob tattoos for a bit and just getting more personal/non music related tattoos lol

[craqueluring]

hi i LOVE ur acc and i was wondering if u had any ideas on this cause i cant seem to like. figure it out? in mizumono hannibal's like "do you think you could change me? the way ive changed you," and wills like "i already did." and i was like WOAHSJDGF. but like also how? i get the general feeling that he changed to view himself capable of love and realized he did actually want understanding and acceptance?? but i feel like theres a shift in his mindset based on his actions im not getting?? or rather how will changed him? like what of wills actions led to it? if that makes sense?

OMG hi!! i think this is the first ask ive gotten of someone asking me about what i think of a specific scene in hannibal and i am SO excited about it, so thank you!!!!! and also for saying you love my account, it means so much <3 thank u thank u thank u

okay but YES i have many ideas about this, I'm gonna go back to a couple lines before this, though, and go line by line and explain how i personally interpret this scene and topic!! sorry this is so long i got excited <3

warning: i make a lot of assumptions about hannibal's past which i am not 100% sure about, because the show makes his past very very vague. i am mainly going off just what the show implies and tells us, not the books.

also, there is a TLDR at the end of this!

-

hannibal says, almost exasperatedly, "my freedom, then. you would take that from me. confine me to a prison cell" and then looks at abigail. she looks down, almost guiltily, and i feel like in this moment everyone is remembering how hannibal took /will's/ freedom from him and confined /him/ to a prison cell (using abigail's fake death). and he is acting like it is somehow unfair that will would do the same to him.

but hannibal /is/ right in that he and will took or were going to take each other's freedoms for entirely different reasons. hannibal confined will to a prison cell because he was trying to change will for what he genuinely thought was the better. this is evident by hannibal saying "i have always had huge faith in you, will" and "i think you are more in control now than you have ever been" and the rebirth themed episode directly after will gets out of prison. will's imprisonment was to change him. this change was not only will being more "in control," but more in tune and intimate with his "urges," and generally more intimate and less afraid of the parts of his mind he had been trying to suppress.

after hannibal says "...confine me to a prison cell," and looks back at will, he looks thoughful for a moment. that is when he says "do you believe you could change me, the way i have changed you?" because he is asking will if he believes that he could change hannibal by imprisoning him (which was his "plan" with jack for most of s2b), just as hannibal changed will by imprisoning him. 

will replies with "i already did," the script says after that, "hannibal studies will a moment, realizing he's right." will did not need to imprison hannibal in order to change him. by just making hannibal feel this kind of love, devotion, and trust, he had already changed hannibal drastically. i dont believe hannibal had felt what he felt for will since mischa 30-40 years ago. to really put it in perspective, hannibal had gone through his entire life probably completely alone, letting nobody close to him like he let will be close to him. he never let himself be seen, and never let himself trust enough to experience anything like this (presumably).

will's changing hannibal is also shown physically by the entire scene in mizumono happening at that moment. hannibal massacred everybody in his own house. this is not the way he kills. his kills are not impulsively reactionary or born of emotions as intense and volatile as he was feeling in response to will's betrayal. will himself says hannibal's kills are like "pests he's swatted," born of annoyance at best. this killing and violence resulting from a situation of genuine, deep hurt is entirely new for hannibal. like i said, hannibal had not let himself truly be seen by anyone other than will in a very long time, and he trusted will in a way he didnt even trust bedelia in season 3. when hannibal found out will's betrayal of him, he was heartbroken. heartbreak is not something hannibal is supposed to open himself up to. he is supposed to be in complete control of his emotions and actions. but he wasn't, and he did open himself up to this heartbreak. so, this cocktail of emotions is completely and entirely foreign to hannibal (other than mischa), and he unleashes it all in the mizumono massacre. what hannibal does for will makes him act in ways he does not and has not acted before, generally.

semi-TLDR: so, will changed hannibal because he was the first person hannibal loved and trusted in this very vulnerable way since mischa. because of this, he was the first person capable of betraying hannibal in such a deep-cutting way. will caused hannibal to let himself experience love and trust again. and also heartbreak and betrayal. these volatile emotions are all behind hannibal's mizumono massacre, which is absolutely uncharacteristic of him (at least, up until this point). in this way, will changed hannibal.

as for the consequences of this change in hannibal: hannibal is grappling with this realization/coming to terms/figuring out how to deal with his love of will (and will's betrayal) during mizumono and post-mizumono. he doesn't know what to do with this change in himself. s3a is literally just hannibal trying to figure out how to deal with his uncontrollable obsession with/love of will and what to do with it. and also how to deal with will's consistent rejection of him (mizumono betrayal, the knife in the uffizi gallery, and the digestivo rejection). secondo is where he concludes that the only way he can forgive will for making him feel this way (and for his influence of hannibal to betryal himself) is to eat him, as he did the same to his sister. when they're back at will's house after the brain eating is interrupted, and after the consequent muskrat farm massacre, hannibal is regretting something (either the brain eating, killing abigail, or opening himself up to wills "influence" at all. or all three.), and starts writing theoretical formulas to turn back time in a notebook. after will's final rejection in digestivo, hannibal turns himself in. hannibal is All Over The Place after he starts loving will and lets himself be heartbroken by will: he kills abigail, runs off to europe, tries to kill will and eat his brain, then regrets it and tries to convince will to let it go, and then puts himself in prison after will rejects him. i'm not going to go into the reason for the prison thing because this is already getting too long, lol.

hannibal is known for being able to control his emotions and calculate his actions very carefully. hannibal literally says "you cannot control with respect to whom you fall in love." and bedelia says "what your sister [and now will] made you feel was beyond your conscious ability to control or predict." hannibal is used to being able to control and predict his emotions. the appearance of his uncontrollable and unpredictable love and forgiveness of will is in direct conflict with what hannibal is used to, and this is the change in hannibal that will caused.

full-TLDR: will changed hannibal because he was the first person hannibal felt love and trust for in this very vulnerable way since mischa. because of this, will was also the first person capable of betraying hannibal in such a deep-cutting way. will caused hannibal to let himself experience love and trust again. and also heartbreak and betrayal. these volatile emotions are all behind hannibal's mizumono massacre, which is absolutely uncharacteristic of him (at least, up until this point). after hannibal runs off to europe, he doesn't know what to do with this change in himself. the entirety of s3a is largely hannibal trying to figure this out, and he concludes by putting himself in prison.

-

of course there are many different ways to interpret this very complex scene & topic, so those are just my thoughts (which are admittedly a little shakey still, lol) i hope that kinda answered your question, or you at least got something out of this! :]

[rt-lots]

who wants to hear way too much info on my thoughts about being medicated/seeing a psychiatrist/going to therapy? read more for more

this isn't a vent post really i just wanna talk about my thoughts. post is under the cut because if people don't wanna be subjected to my brain then they shouldn't have to be.

im in a really weird spot with my mental health treatment right now because i simultaneously am very adverse to going to therapy but also am annoyed with my doctors' recent attempts to change my medication. im getting tired of going on and off stuff and altering my doses and stuff just because im not like... Good? if i understand it right. im BETTER, and id rather leave it at that then keep trying to fix myself.

which is where it gets weird, because i really, REALLY want to be fixed. it's part of why i don't want to do therapy. i just want my brain to be normal and ill handle the rest on my own. but after talking about drug interactions and side effects and my doctor saying i shouldn't be on stimulants long-term, i realized wholly, certainly this time, that no amount of pills are going to "fix" me. not even therapy "fixes" you. its not about getting "fixed". and it's probably the wrong way of going about things, but MY way of going about accepting this is the desire to just stick with what works. im still depressed, but a few missed weeks have taught me that oh my GOD antidepressants help. where im at with my doses and stuff works! at least it has. like im still depressed Whatever but its manageable, and i think im done trying to do better than manageable.

my doctor put me on new adhd meds to replace my stimulants and that's what's got me all in my head about all this. ive been feeling Not Good when before i could've at least been Not Great. its rough because now how am i supposed to even know WHAT im feeling if anything could just be a side effect of my new stuff? my newest pills came with a fucking behemoth list of side effects and background info so i feel like im not really "myself" while im trying it. (its not really helping my adhd, btw. i don't think ill keep being on these for long, so it's hard to even respect my routine while they're a part of it.)

she described the prospect of non stimulant adhd meds to me as being like "if you were a person all the time, instead of just when you take your pill" but it doesn't feel like that at all. everything's just weird and foggy. my days keep blending together and i feel like im getting more and more tired. im up but im not really awake. and i know this isn't a reason to give up on non-stimulants alltogether- this specific pill just doesn't work for me, and that's fine- but my prescriptions are all fucked up now because of it. like, the pharmacy said they were removing my anti depressants because of these new meds?? can they do that??? and i think they like unsubscribed me from adderall or whatever. so if i wanna go back to normal i need neewwww prescriptions and newww meetings and i don't wANNAAAAA I JUST DONT WANNA BRAH.

i wrote this all out a month ago i think and it actually hasn't gotten any better since. my psychiatrist didn't listen to me when i said the adhd meds don't help and prescribed me bubroprion to help me with staying awake. it doesn't do anything for me and everything's just getting worse. sometimes I don't feel like a person. people say things to me and i have to muster up my last bit of energy to put any emotion into my voice so they don't think I'm uninterested. im tired so so much and I'm spending 12 hours a day in bed. My rigorous routine i set up collapses so easily and when it does it's impossible to recover from. If I don't wake up at 7 my day is completely wasted. im running out of options. i just want to go back to my prior medication. I don't know what is side effects and what is depression and what is some other third thing but I don't even care, I want to go back to when things felt better than when they felt worse. Because fuck, I'm trying so hard and it's getting worse. I don't care that it's nonlinear. i feel like no one even takes it seriously how debilitating this is. i don't enjoy doing anything except engaging in interests and hyperfixations i don't have the energy to engage in. im so so tired. im not doing "not good" I'm doing BAD. my psychiatrist told me she didn't want to give me adderall just so I could sit on my computer all day but im not even awake enough to do that anymore. im so tired. I don't know what to do

[my-castles-crumbling]

hey cas,

so, i dont really know exactly how to word things right so please bear with me while i try to explain a bit.

i think i have bipolar disorder (or something similar, im still looking into things), but i dont know if im just going crazy and imagining things. theres not really anyone in my life i can talk to about it to gauge their opinion, so im kind of left by myself to deal with it.

i dont have a trusted adult or loved one i can go to for help, and ive not been to a doctor since probably 2017 at the latest so im not even sure who id be making an appointment with to discuss anything like this. ive considered trying to get myself into therapy but im afraid that if i go in saying that i think im bipolar and have other mental illnesses (im about 99% certain i have anxiety and likely some sort of depressive disorder too, but that might be more linked with the mood swings of bipolar) that its the wrong way to go about it? like, i might just be really ignorant but i dont think thats how therapy works is it?

basically im worried that if i go in saying the disorders i think i have, then theyll tell me im exaggerating or that i need other people to back me up or that i do need to see my gp doctor (which, again, i dont actually think i have one) or that it isnt my place to try to diagnose myself etc.

im not really sure what im asking here? maybe if you have any advice/experience about what therapy is actually like or what i could expect? or a better way to go about getting help? i really dont know honestly aha, sorry

Well, you've definitely come to the right place lol, I've been to and ghosted many a therapist! (Don't ghost your therapist!)

Actually, recently I started therapy again and it's been a great experience, so let me tell you about it. Warning: I live in the US, so if you live elsewhere, it might be different.

When you start therapy, they're going to ask you a LOT of questions. Lots about your background, your childhood, your feelings, etc. It'll feel a bit invasive, but make sure to be honest! Like brutally honest. Like if you're like...'I might be feeling this way but idk if I'm faking..' tell them that. They need to know everything.

Then, if you're a minor, they'll talk to your parents and get their insight. If you have issues with your parents, make sure to tell them that BEFORE this part happens, so they can take what your parents say with a grain of salt.

Last, they'll give you a 'tentative diagnosis.' This means that this is what they think you have, but it's not a die-hard medical diagnosis. They'll treat you based on this, but if you ever wanted accommodations in school or anything for it, you would have to go to a clinical psychiatrist to get it written up.

Here's the thing: the diagnosis my surprise you or even make you feel invalidated. If it does? Tell them that. Because, two things: One- they may have gotten something wrong. Or two- they need to know if you aren't understanding something fully.

To be very personal, I am diagnosed with both depression and anxiety. When I started therapy recently and again got those diagnoses, I wasn't surprised. But I also was told I have 'illness-anxiety disorder' which is the new term for a hypochondriac. I was super insulted because I was picturing the stereotypical hypochondriac who fakes illnesses for attention (this was uneducated of me) but my therapist explained that this version of anxiety more means that I have a lot of anxiety related to being nervous to get sick or the results of getting sick. Which was like- oh. yeah. I do panic every time someone sneezes on me. My therapist said this has become increasingly common since COVID.

All this to say it sounds like seeking out therapy might be a great way for you to get the answers you're looking for. But even if they're not the answers you think they'll be, remember that your feelings and experiences are still extremely valid and no less real.

<3 <3 <3

[onlyjaeyun]

girly just clear that ask box and start fresh 😭 as someone who sends anons to writers regularly, I really don't check for a response if it's been over a week lol

that's what i'm actually gonna do! ii was about to make an announcement but since this ask is a good opportunity i'll just do it here lmao

i know (or hope) that with the next few chaps quite a few asks will be sent which i really wanna focus on which is why i've decided to just delete all the 399+ asks in my inbox and im very sorry to everyone who has never gotten a response to their ask. i tried my very best but i have no idea how we got to 370 when ive been answering on the daily (almost) and atp my inbox has been glitching a lot so im pretty sure a lot of asks have also never made it through.

i promise im gonna be a little bit better at responding to asks since i'll have a fresh start and that way just have a better overview. am also gonna pull a virgo move and try my best to not let it get over 50 bc that's still manageable and i just love talking to you guys so much and wanna do it without feeling stressed or pressured.

at this point i also wanna make sure nobody takes this to heart and i hope you guys know i read them all and keep them close to my heart and i understand it's frustrating to send smth in and not receive an answer but i'm just one person trying their best.

i love you guys so much and hope everyone has a great dsy ����

[mroddmod]

HEY i'm here to do that stupid sappy thing where i make a new years post and thank everyone for the great year.

i already said this on twt but i can genuinely say that i have never had this much fun in a fandom before. i've never CLICKED with a fandom and its participants in the way that i've clicked with the stranger things fandom. i've made more finished art than i have for any other franchise, i think. i've never gotten to connect with people and make friends in a fandom like i have with the stranger things fandom. THE FRIENDS IVE MADE ARE SOME OF THE BEST IVE HAD IN LIKE. EVER. you guys are seriously so awesome. NOT TO MENTION ALL THE INCREDIBLE PEOPLE THAT I ALWAYS SEE IN MY REBLOG TAGS AND REPLIES. i've had the privilege to get to meet, know, and interact, with some of the nicest and most talented people ever. it's been such a good year BECAUSE of the connections i've made. SOOOOO i'm gonna list off some of my favorite people and say a little something and TRY to keep it short. OBVIOUSLY THIS IS IN NO PARTICULAR ORDER

@astrobei : yeah, obviously you're in here, idiot. you wormed your way into my life way too quickly and WAYYYY too easily but i wouldn't change it (probably. just kidding. or Am I.....). i was a MEGA fan of your writing LOOOONG before i ever even spoke to you, so it's kind of a trip that i talk to you every day now. if you told mod from september that he'd be this tight w suni astrobi he absolutely would not believe you. anyway thank you for making me laugh so much and talking to me all the time even though you should probably be doing better things. keep being you. k love u (maybe) bye

@msquared1414 : MAGS. MY DEAR MAGS. I LOVE YOU SO DEARLY. you are a beacon of light in a fucked up and annoying world. i know i can always count on you for support and a good laugh. im so glad i got to know you over the time that we've been talking. i promise i have more special wips to send u soon. I MISS YOU ALL THE TIME BFF

@cherbearsz : CHER 😭😭😭 do you realize that you're actually one of the funniest people on the planet. did you Know. actually i take it back, you're the funniest. i could be having a shit day and suddenly cher gets in the chat and stirs up chaos and i am feeling like :) again. ty for being you, bro 🤝

@livsmessydoodles : we've known each other for a long time but i feel like i didn't really GET to know you until this year. but i'm so glad i did!! you are such a lively and positive energy that i love to see on my dash, in my notifs, in our group chats, anywhere. you are TRULY a unifying and joyful force. keep up your good energy, so many good things will come to you in life.

@halosketches : sorry but who gave you the right to be this cool. like i wanna know. YOU'RE ACTUALLY THE COOLEST PERSON IVE MET.... i know this is like a cringe thing to say but your vibes are Unmatched. i know i can always trust your takes because your taste in media is the Highest of quality. you're also way too nice. you're insane.

@wynsvre : sarah :((( my bro. my guy. you are an INSPIRATION to me and you always will be in so many ways. you are so real and honest and i value that in you so much. honestly you're just such a rad person. i aspire to be more like u.

@janceezer : KITE!!!!! i actually cannot believe how sappy and sweet you are it's CRAZY that you're just that way. YOURE JUST THAT GOOD. it pleasantly surprises me all the time. you are so down to earth and you care about people with everything you have, and i feel SO lucky to be one of those people. KEEP BEING YOU!!!

@tryingonametaphor : AH BHAVNA you have been an absolute pleasure to get to know this year. i was ALSO a huge fan of yours before i got to know you personally, but i was BLOWN away by how kind you are 😭 you are just so understanding and patient and RIDICULOUSLY creative. you're so cool, it's crazy.

@spacedru1d : MY BFF!!!!! my matching bff. you've been such a good friend and a delight to interact with. you're naturally such a good person without even trying. IVE MISSED YOU SO MUCH DURING YOUR TIME IN UNI but i'm proud of you for getting your shit done and finally getting the gf of ur dreams. I WISH YOU NOTHING BUT THE BEST BFF!!!

okay now that i've gotten all my Real Actual IRL Bestest Friends in the Entire World out of the way....

some other people that i've loved interacting with/seeing in my notifs/seeing on my dash:

@bujomoss, @http-byler, @smoosnoom, @bookinit02, @nnilkyway, @elekinetic, @wiseatom, @andiwriteordie, @paladibun, @noodles-and-tea, @aemiron-main, @caesarexile, and many more im CERTAIN i'm forgetting.

anyway. thanks for an incredible year. HERES TO 2023!!!

[mcl4r3n]

one thing about me is that i am never going to be able to listen to 'illicit affairs' and 'august' by taylor swift without thinking about dando

like especially the bridges in those songs just scream dando angst to me and specifically lando pining for daniel angst. i wish i could expand and explain, but thinking too hard about dando makes me fucking insane 😭

Nonnie. Oh my god. Nonnie this is fucking me up. I'm gonna. im gonna like. curl up into a ball or something because. like. okay.

tw cheating tw WAG mention so i will understand fully if you dont wanna read further than this

Just thinking about like okay so like 2021-2022 daniel and heidi are on and off again, and in the times when they're off, daniel and lando start fucking around, but like the entire shitstorm of 2022 happens yeah and now daniel is on his danbbatical of 2023 and he's taking heidi around the world with him etc etc but in the times when she's NOT with him he's hitting lando up to hook up and like lando was okay with it before, yeah, even until 2022 because like. close proximity and everything.

but like it's Different now because there's none of that. like daniel and heidi are fully Together together and lando sees the photos he posts of heidi at scotty's wedding and he hates daniel and hates her and hates himself but like. he still keeps going whenever daniel asks.

he never mentions heidi to danny, and danny never mentions heidi to him. their hookups are far and in between now because of daniel's schedule but the more time they spend apart the more lando misses him.

the more lando realizes that he is actually jealous and really does want daniel for himself and hates that he's letting himself be the side piece especially on the heels of this horrible season for him.

he starts becoming ruthless about it. he starts wearing daniel's merch (especially since heidi's been wearing daniel's merch too). he starts declaring openly that he misses daniel.

he has this warped idea that if he's more open about how he feels about daniel, it will convince him that he's the one for daniel, actually. but he'd never outright say that to danny. so he thinks he can compete with heidi, show that he's sweeter, more thoughtful, just overall better for daniel.

and then one day like after silverstone, they hookup. and like, okay, post nut clarity, daniel's lying in bed with lando's jizz on his chest and he's staring at the ceiling and he says, "heidi and i broke up."

and lando tenses up. this is the first danny has mentioned her all year. he thinks god. okay. this is it. this is finally it. he pretends he's concerned, but inside he;s rejoicing, and he hates that he is but he is. but he's still like. cautiously asking things like "oh, what happened?" "when?"

and daniel's looking at him really like. . . heartbroken.

"I told her about us."

Lando's frozen. He's like. freaking out, actually. for a whole bunch od reasons but also mainly because like he is a part of this and shouldnt he have gotten the fucking heads up that daniel was gonna tell someone else about them???? and so he's like. speechless.

"I uh. i really hurt her. and i really hurt you too. like, ive been stringing you both along and i just. i dont think—i. this is the last time we can do this."

and lando's tearing up because like. what the fuck. like this isnt what he wanted. he wanted daniel to choose him. so he says so. he says that lando doesn;t mind, that he's right here, that he wants to be with danny, but daniel leans in and kisses his cheek and says, "lando, there's a lot i gotta figure out, and i've. . . i shouldnt be with either of you. im not a good person."

and lando is confused and upset and frustrated for so many reasons, he's worrying now about heidi getting revenge, the press, everything, and daniel says, "she won't tell anyone. she won't. she promised me. and i did hurt her but she told me i needed to get my shit together first before i thought about even thinking of being with anyone else and—she's right."

and lando's chest is caving in and he's like. "so what, you fuck me one last time, didn't even tell me it would be the last time, and now you get to fuck off? why didn't you tell me this beforehand?"

and daniel is like "because you'd have tried to make me stay, and i can't stay. trust me, you don't want this—" he waves his hand around to gesture at himself. "not right now, anyway."

"but i love you. danny, i love you. you don't have to—we can just be together, like, i'm right here, we can just be together already now—"

and daniel is tearing up too and he says, "you should be with someone who isn't an asshole, lando. you should be with someone who didn't string you along and have you play second fiddle when it was convenient. that isn't me."

and now i have written myself into a corner anon and i am deeply sad and i dont know how to resolve this but for NOW it ends here like this. :(