#but its still weird and im feeling really weird about it but i keep making these like gallows humor jokes bc shdhsjdj | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

quietwingsinthesky · 9 months ago

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i really do think the desire to paint ten as unambiguously The Worst™️ when it comes to his relationship with martha is out of this desire to uncomplicate their relationship. to decouple them as friends and people who profoundly impacted each other’s lives. it’s just an easier narrative to swallow: that ten was Awful to her and then martha kicked him to the curb when she realized she was too good for him. easier, maybe, then dealing with the troubles of unrequited affection don’t have to be anyone’s fault, or that ten shut martha out in a lot of ways but let her in in others that he wouldn’t let any other companion near, or that they were still friends, they still wanted to see each other and be around each other, even though it was messy and sometimes hurt. you know?

#sometimes the doctor is shitty. this is not news we know this. this is part of the package. its what makes their relationships with their #companions so interesting so important.#like. how do i put this. i see posts sometimes about how ten was ‘leading martha on’ implying that he was taking advantage of her feelings #to keep her around. and. okay. so. putting aside how that’s a weird thing to say about anyone period.#its also just. from my viewing experience. not true?#the doctor is just sort of Like That. he’s too intense he’s too quick to grasp for emotional intimacy he’s too messy.#but he’s not leading her on. he really is just Like That.#like i feel by getting caught up in the fact that martha is hurt by being compared to rose and is hurt by the fact that the doctor can’t or #won’t return her feelings. and like. yeah. of course that hurts.#but in being caught up in that. i think what im saying is that it feels like people sometimes forget that he’s. not required to do that.#like just because she has feelings for him doesn’t mean he needs to get over himself and return them or else he’s using her. that’s. that’s #not how relationships work. people can have romantic feelings and still be friends and not have anything come of it and that’s not a #terrible outcome. thats just how friendships are sometimes.#thats the core of it to me. they’re friends. the way people post about ten & martha sometimes i wonder if everyone’s forgotten that they #are friends. that they last parted as friends. that martha doesn’t hate him or secretely resent him for how he treated her.#like. she’s got complicated feelings about the whole thing. but they didn’t stop being friends.#i tell you what: if the doctor was in trouble and called for help. you could be damn certain that martha jones would be one of the first #people to answer. that’s what i know.#doctor who #the doctor #tenth doctor #martha jones

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sonknuxadow · 17 days ago

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wishing that the hype for sonic 3 would just die already because im tired of hearing about it vs knowing that the suffering wouldnt truly be over because theyre talking about making a fourth movie . hell on earth

#sorry i was keeping my haterisms to myself for a while there but im still a hater regardless #well i havent actually watched it so maybe its not That bad but what im hearing about it certainly doesnt make it seem good either ........#i liked the first two movies but i simply do not trust these writers to adapt the characters and stories i love anymore #anyway i would say i wish we could just move on to the next sonic thing and forget about the movies #but i also know that no new sonic media release could ever overshadow a new movie #which is also annoying the fact that the movies get so much more attention than other sonic media frustrates me for many reasons #and like. i try to curate my online experience or whatever people call it i blakclisted most tags related to the movie #but it still feels like its everywhere even then both online and offline #help i just remembered that i got a big spike in followers immediately after the movie came out #and i havent really siad anything negative about the movie since then . um. looks around all scared #not that i think i shouldnt be allowed to have a different opinion or am scared of offending anyone #i just know a lot of sonic movie fans get weird about criticism from game fans and i dont feel like dealing with that

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pseudophan · 2 months ago

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got nothing done today except accidentally deleting all my files off the computer and having to recover them so basically i need to be frankly insanely productive tomorrow so i can go to my granddad's birthday on friday without stressing. of course there is no chance in hell this will happen but i can pretend for a little while longer

#i was in SUCH a good headspace earlier today as well #like actually motivated and somewhat focused and everything #but then i got stuck at my granddad's for like two hours #and had to eat dinner when i got home #and by the time i could finally start working i was so stressed about the wasted time #i couldn't focus anymore and then i started feeling really weird and by the time that passed my meds had worn off and all hope was lost #i mean i still feel Bad but i've more or less convinced myself it's anxiety #and if somehow it isn't then hopefully i will know soon 👍#literally not even stressed about whatever it is in itself its just id like to know if i can keep taking meds without making something worse #and i Have to take the meds to get shit done #but as long as i don't know the anxiety of taking the meds kinda voids the effects #otherwise my anxiety is better on meds though like mentally its better but the physical symptoms are worse #the parts i know for a fact are just anxiety that is #if it's ALL anxiety then thats kinda funny actually. like ok. logic #idk what the fuck im on about im in bed hopefully i can sleep soon so i can get up at ass oclock and wait for a message from the gp's office

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ganondoodle · 1 year ago

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i often really do feel like an .. unwanted part of the fandom, i dont draw beautiful landscapes, i have unpopular but strong opinions im constantly annoying about and rarely change, dont like/dont draw the pretty young popular twinks and hot gurls to fanboi over nor do i turn characters into one, the opposite moreso, draw only one ship no ones heard of really, got little energy to interact with the few people that are nice to me and send me asks so it probably looks like im ignoring everyone and unfortunately but still rarely get so stressed i get overwhelmed and emotional about pehaps seemingly minor things and spiral almost into a breakdown feeling super embarrassed about it afterwards but the damage is already done and i look like a freak or agressive weirdo

#ganondoodles talks #also probably sounds like self pity #but this feeling hits everytime i see a super popular artist be the popular cool artist #i am a little weird i know that and thats not somethign bad i think #but the internet never gets to see that much of me #i tend to write posts when i am at my worst bc it has to go somewhere #so the image it tells people is that im a weirdly strong opiniod freak that gets breakdowns over nothing #i also dont feel like im otherwise -cool tm- enough to balance that out #i dont think my art is as stylized or as inventive as others nor am i cool to interact with bc idk how to be cool to interact with #i feel double bad when i misstepped with someone i used to talk to bc of something stupid ... or just dont know what i did wrong #im guessing its especially when i am in that spiraling state of mind where i really am not myself tbh #it still feels very bad bc i feel like i can never make it up to anyone again #sorry i acted like a jerk my brain was exploding in emotions in a desperate attempt to deal with something idk how to deal with-#-and made me not act like myself but now i feel really dumb about it #doesnt sound like a good excuse #... i want to thank those that do stick with me #even if i acted strange sometimes- even if i disappointed sometimes- even when i couldnt keep a promise #there are little things that still make me angry at myself #like that one time i asked in the tags whod read as long as the end of them and if someone did shoudl send me an ask so id draw a lil thing #and i got two #and i kept trying to remeber oh shit i need to do that and forgetting again/not having energy for it in a loop #i still feel like a jerk about it but now its probably too late #i wish i could answer all asks i get but man my energy for that is always rock bottom #no matter how much i enjoy the ask #and i love getting asks!!!#im sorry :((

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floralovebot · 3 months ago

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ALSO ive been rereading the comics again and its giving me so much winx/specialists and specialists/specialists friendship dynamics psychic attacks again

#brandon and helia keep standing next to each other and talking in the background during missions and its making my head explode #LISTEN ik 'omg theyre standing next to each other!!' is very fandom funny business HOWEVER #we all know background close proximity is extremely important in the winx verse the Besties are always paired together #listen aljdhglhdaglhgda #im just having so many thoughts about their literally nonexistent dynamic...#its all in my head </3 #theyve only talked to each other on screen like once </3 #ladkgljhgda #still obsessed though i think their personal skills match up really well!!#like specialist mission military wise #like helia in charge of holding enemies back while brandon goes in with the punch like ooo i know theyre practicing attack patterns togethe #aljdhgljdag #ALSO thinking about aisha helia friendship dynamics again im actually sick aljhgd #there's this one line where she says something along the lines of 'sky helia and the others' (others in reference to the other guys)#and its just... such a weird way to word that ajlhgdlga #usually they refer to them as 'the boys/guys/specialists' or 'their respective s/o and the others'#and i get that aisha isnt Really dating anyone in the comics so she cant call out her boy specifically #but even saying sky helia and the others like baby girl just say the boys...#its SO interesting to me that sky and helia are aisha's boy besties (in the comics specifically) like that's so.... OUGH #a prince who understands the feeling of having no freedom and issues of consent and her girlfriend's boyfriend #its so funny (and sad) to me how often aisha is florelia's third wheel in the comics #like i Really do think the aisha helia dynamic started because they just kept hanging out because of flora #its literally: would die for flora 🤝 would die for flora and i love that for them #thinking about that one aishlia cuddling panel again... sick in the head !!!!!#also bloom and timmy being besties i just :') i wish more people talked about them THEYRE SO CUTE #me rereading the comics for the hundredth time: ohmygod the blorbos... revolutionary...

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todayisafridaynight · 1 year ago

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they were out of line for this. by the way.

#snap chats #LIIIIIIIIKKKKKEEEE STOP YOU BETTER STOP #reminded myself to make this post after that other ask..... heh...#i feel like i did call attention to this before. 🧍‍♂️ idk i think about it a lot..#too late lamers im doing it again because it still makes me scream and want to eat metal #this family is disgustingly intertwined with each other im going to throw up #like the more obvious parallel with ichi and the arakawas is him going out for new years dinner with arakawa. or attempting to #buuuuuttt this one is almost shot-for-shot the same bit and its OUGH. STOP. im GOING insane #theyre fam whether they like it or not </3 #wahh...... lad8 come soon i wanna see these two's relationship progress. or whatever weird situation it'll be in #i wonder why jo even points ichi to akane... is it to REALLY close that chapter of their lives for good ?#is it some feeling of responsibility for what happens to ichi now that arakawa's gone ?#is it guilt for keeping ichi from the truth of his birth parents for this long ? wowzers...#ok bye im gonna go be sick elsewhere

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opens-up-4-nobody · 7 months ago

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...

#im back from a week with my dad at home and at the lake #it was really nice to b home for a while but now im a mess lol #bc it really makes me wanna move back to Appalachia and not do another semester out here #and also this was our 1st trip to the lake without my mom being there. she loved the lake. she grew up on the water and was named after an #island. she died before she could use our new jetski. which my dad bought for her and she would have loved #and i stood in her sandles bc my dad keeps them out by the fireplace and my toes fit almost exactly into the impressions of her feet #and i came come with another bag full of her clothes. and i feel bad for my dad being all alone in that big house #i mean hes got the dogs but theyre 7 and 8 and theyre big boys so they probably dont have all that long left. itll be so sad when they die.#there was a moment where i was talking to the dogs and he said i sounded exactly like my mom. which was kinda intentional #on my part bc i say a lot of things bc she would say them. stolen phrases and intonations. pieces of things ive taken.#its still weird that she's just gone forever. the time in the hospital feels like it was some horrible nightmare.#and now shes never gonna kno where we end up. she's left rooms full of half tumbled rocks and half sorted photos and half organized #classroom supplies. the outlines of a person that will slowly be stitched out of existance as time moves on until theres nothing left and #the memories are gone. its just sad is all. especially bc she didnt deserve it. no one does but expecally not her.#but unfortunately life isnt about getting what you deserve. its chaos and coincidence all the way down.#unrelated

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x-crowmancer-x · 9 months ago

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OKAY RANT ON VIVZIEPOP SCROLL PAST IF YOU DONT CARE

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I like Viv as an artist, shes inspired me since frickin middleschool with her animations, character designs, and now 2 shows holy crap. I just really wish she'd get off social media for her own mental health cuz good god it's not great to see a whole thread of tweets arguing with someone about the dislike of fanfiction having homophobic undertones its just... agdhdh Viv is a pretty controversial person due to unfortunate past events and having shows that present some darker subject matter. Honestly? I want to see Viv not just move past the previous controversy, but learn from it to be better. Its totally fair tho if you think the handling of certain topics arent done well, there are things people will have preference over. And I dont give a fuck about shipping, I dont wanna see it, frankly. If you're doin somethin shady with it and I see it I'm certainly not going to like it and I'll do my best to not interact with you, but I think we should make tagging things just a common thing? Keeps things organized and people can intake what they want while the stuff they dont want is not being shown to them. Same goes with headcanons they're someone imagining something, they arent holding the creators hostage to make it canon. Canon is silly anyways! Both the OG and a headcanon can exist because AUs and headcanons are just another version of the thing. Headcanons arent going to change the episodes, they'll still be the same way the creators made it. So like... chill.

Just as long as it has no mental or physical negative implications or intent against actual living people I will add.

Dont harrass actors because they play a villian you need to separate fiction and reality it's literally their job to pretend to be someone else.

#vivziepop #vivzipop critical #hazbin hotel #helluva boss #it sucks to see someone i looked up to seemingly keep stirring the controversy pot #the shows arent for everyone #things arent always going to be appealing to everyone and thats ok #i think viv needs to let go the fact some people do not like her or her shows instead of fighting people for a whole thread #im embarrassed to say im a fan of these shows???#and dont get me wrong i think they kinda suck sometimes and the writing inconsistancy makes me so so frustrated #but there are a few moments where i really feel connected to their struggles #loneliness and a fear of rejection are something i empathize with a lot #im frustrated because of what these shows COULD be #and how happy it makes me to see these shows be enjoyed so much because tbh everything about it is full of things we are told #is bad and weird and cringe and something real proffesionals would never respect #and they made it! it lets me know if im passionate enough people like me can do what we love and still be successful #i hope for many other passion projects from artists in the future who may be inspired by not just Vivzie but the tons of indie stuff out rn #crowmancerx #idk just a rant #i do want to lay out at some point my many issues with the writing of Vivz's shows but ill holdoff on big rants for a bit #agsudvdhdb #its been a rough day at school

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2-kamikou-1 · 1 month ago

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ok but no guys seriously how do you ask for reassurance in a way that doesn't make you look like a stupid yandere stereotype

#can't be too casual and be like “hey nothing you did all me but i need some reassurance that you still like me”#because thats like pathologizing or something???#i dont actually know what pathologizing is supposed to mean ive done a lot of research and i cant wrap my head around it still #but it sounds like something someone would say is pathologizing #I can't go in the middle and actually explain it like #“hey you've been kinda dry lately i wanna know if i did something or if you're not feeling well or if it's just me”#cause people HATE that #they'll call it guilt tripping they'll lie to get you to shut up and continue to let resentment build #eventually leading to an explosive falling out #OR you'll make them self conscious of their own actions which i would HATE to be the cause of because this SUCKS #but it also ALSO leads to nasty falling outs where they tell you they need to walk on eggshells around you #which may or may not have been due to levels of their own insecurity but either way itd still be my fault #for saying anything in thr first place #and you DEFINITELY can't be like #“hey i really like you and i want to keep you as a friend so thats why i wanted to ask if ive done anything #because you seem really off lately and i don't want this friendship to end because you mean a lot to me and i swear this isn't a guilt trip #or a one-off if you tell me what's wrong if anything i will work on it i will change it i will do anything to maintain this because your #companionship means so much to me“#because that is what ventures into stereotype territory #and it is also really weird and desperate #HOW DO I STRIKE A BALANCE LIKE THIS #the most central neutral option here seems to be the one with the most bad outcomes #also even though I really would do anything to change im still scared of what people might say if i ask that #and i can't just sit with it either because people pick up on my neuroticism and they don't really like it in friends #i don't need a whole rundown of why people like me as reassurance i really just need a few words like #“oh yeah we're cool you didn't do anything/i have personal stuff going on it's not you/etc”#but in the latter case i don't want my friends to think they have to put their business out there just so i can stop tweaking #and maybe it's bad for me to need the reassurance at all?????? even though i see other people ask about it all the time #but maybe it's different when it's me a lot of things seem to be different when its me #AND THATS NOT COMING FROM A PLACE OF SELF DEPRECIATION it's just a thing ive noticed a lot of things are different when its me compared to

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13eyond13 · 1 year ago

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#so far in my sporadic picking away at various manga series i feel i have the weirdest reader relationships with JJBA and Attack on Titan #when reading JJBA i am not really that invested in the characters or even whats happening to them and yet i still never decide to dnf it #and i dont even know what it is that keeps me reading except that its just very unique i suppose?#such an odd combo of different things that somehow manages to eventually have its own sorta cohesive logic and charm #also the art is just fun. its ornate and goofy and macho and flamboyant and gross #but as soon as i put it down i stop thinking about it too #and dont feel like picking it up again for at least several more days #with attack on titan i found the art style mostly really bad at first ngl #it reminded me of awkward drawings a high schooler would make like the inconsistentness #of like there are good action poses here but the people also look weird ugly bland and stiff and the backgrounds are often so empty #idk i was feeling pretty blah about it but something about how starkly straight-forward the story is was interesting to me #where its literally exactly what you heard its just #theres a bunch of humanoid giants attacking our city #and we have to stop them. that's it #and also the awkwardness of the art style i find works extremely well when it comes to the titans #like they are genuinely creepy to me. and they do actually feel massive the way theyre drawn. and the mystery around them interests me too #anyways im like 60% through part 1 of jojo(also read most of part 4 a few years ago) and only on vol 3 of AoT #but yeah those are the 2 series i have the most mixed feelings about so far #wouldnt say i love or hate either of them but still also continue to want to find out more #13readsmanga #p

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arielluva · 7 months ago

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grief is such a weird emotion bc i can be fine most of the time even if it think about it, but then sometimes thinking about it digs it up all over again

#in regards both to my cat and my grandma though i was mostly thinking about my grandma when i wrote this #i was fine the next day after she died bc like. it was expected. she was in hospice for several months #and a nurse had been staying with her 24/7 for the last 2 days. the nurse told us it probably wouldnt be long on the last day.#we knew it was coming so i didnt feel too bad right after it happened. it was only when the mortician showed up that it sunk in #but the next day i was fine. if she got brought up in conversation id get a bit sad but i was mostly fine after that day #and its been. like. a little more than 3 months since then #i havent been thinking about it much but idk. sometimes it just pops into your head and you get reminded that she isnt here anymore #sometimes i still feel like shes still there when i walk into that room. it still partially smells the same #i turn on the light and feel like im somewhere im not supposed to be until i realize that we cleared out her stuff months ato #you wouldnt know that someone was bedridden and in hospice in there just from looking at it #but sometimes i just get that mental image of her being in there. or when she was in a nursing facility for a time and mostly normal #when we thought she was just almost septic and not nearing the end #the stupid doorbell we had her ring when she needed something that made us all jump whenever we heard a similar sound #the fact that the last blanket she ever started crocheting is still in that room and never finished #her rocking chair that has been sitting empty for probably over a year now #the haunted lamp in what used to be her bedroom pre-hospice that keeps turning on #the fact that her cars no longer in the driveway #idk. thinking about it doesnt like. actively make me cry or anything. but it is like. a lurking feeling #like ive been aware and fine with the fact that shes gone. and has been gone #but sometimes i really... remember that shes gone #i still forget that its like. a permanent thing and that shes not just in the hospital again #i wouldnt say i feel too much grief about her dying. i feel more about my cat that died 8 years ago.#but it is a weird feeling to recognize. maybe i only felt sadder about my cat bc (to me) it was unexpected #idk.

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jackass-jones · 7 months ago

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My ass was trying so hard not to jump up and down with glee playing yttd with my sister and getting to the shin reveal I was like MY GUY MY FUNNY LAD MY SILLY RABBIT

#the klock keeps ticking #yttd #its like i cant get ahead of myself when talking about him cuz theres still a lot not revealed by the end of ch2 but STILLLL #i was keeping my opinions on characters pretty neutral this whole playthrough though my bias towards gin and kai was very apparent lol #and i did start screaming in agony reliving my worst nightmare joe dying #i dont think my sister was nearly as torn up about it as i was though like god ill still never get over it #the first time i played i actually gross sobbed like maybe i was just sleep deprived but i was inconsolable literally never cried that hard #but yeah we did the second main game today and i was like #‘not trying to persuade your vote but heres one million reasons why we should let shin live ahaha’#i dont think she was very happy with her vote aldnks #but yeah i really am gonna be sooo annoying next time we play im literally gonna bring pages of shin analysis with me that i can gush about #it is an interesting thing this character cuz to me like everything about him is so clear like even from the beginning i just didnt buy #the idea that he was genuinely an asshole i knew there had to have been something more going on #and idk if ive made it clear guys…but hes exactly like me guys hes just like me fr #his story hits so hard it feels like my own self insert which is weird cuz obviously thats not true #but like i feel like its either you get it or you dont and if you dont understand exactly what this character feels cuz you feel it yourself #i feel like so much of him just wont make any sense to you #maybe im just being pretentious idk but like if you cant relate to his abuse and just #very blatant bpd then I feel like youll just judge him on how good or badof a person he is #like it just doesnt feel like itd hit in the same way like when i see this character talking about being hopeless and the way his trauma #makes him act irrationally like god it just clicks so hard it makes so much sense and i can physically feel it through the screen #I MAY BE FERAL ABOUT THIS CHARACTER TO AN ABSURD DEGREE SHHH #basically what im getting at is i feel if i dont over explain everything about this character to other people i fear they just Wont Get It #and that they will be judgmental which idk i guess makes me defensive #anyway yeah i just enjoy getting to re experience the spiral this guy has given me and i will be thinking about it a lot tonight

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nexus-nebulae · 7 months ago

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it's so dumb that we still feel awkward about creating willogenic headmates in our sys when we literally found out we were plural through the tulpa community

#SYSCOURSE GET BLOCKED AND EXPLODED 💥#endo safe #tulpa safe #but like we figured out we had an actual disassociative disorder through that community #because when we first started 'creating' headmates and talking about it in the community #everyone was like 'yea its... not usually normal for tulpas to form so completely THAT fast??? especially multiple at once???'#'its not really normal to be SURPRISED by a 'new tulpa'? like... the whole thing is you have to put in effort to create them?'#when we started tulpamancy we basically had a cambrian explosion of headmates like we went from Cecil alone to 14 all at once #(and we have confirmation that Cecil did not arrive alone. his arrival (or reveal) was ANNOUNCED by A DIFFERENT GUY)#literally the conversation was just #ruby: why am i getting intrusive thoughts rn #sheo; not making himself known: it's cecils fault #ruby: WHOS CECIL?????#cecil: hi thats me #we talked about how cecil basically formed by himself (blank as well) and everyone was like... bestie that might not be a tulpa....#they were really kind abt it though i happened to be in a nice group #anyway all that backstory aside we keep wanting a headmate of a specific concept but keep feeling weird about making them from scratch #cause like. years and years ago. we ran away from home once and. well let's just say we did not intend to be found with a pulse #and like. we were texting our friends while walking and they weren't able to convince us to go home at all we were. very not ok #and i had to put away my phone bc it started raining so i kept walking for a bit and then just. stopped #bc in the middle of the road there was just. a single solitary bright red salamander. just standin there #and i just. i don't even know. i broke a little? i was just overwhelmed with the wonder of nature and life and coincidence?#I've literally only ever seen two salamanders in my entire life. one that i caught under a bush and wanted to keep as a pet but was told no #and that little fire red salamander in the middle of the road #and i genuinely think if i had not stopped to look at that salamander i would not have gone home #and i want. to have a salamander headmate that can be there for comfort and stuff #if we ever get a tattoo we're definitely getting a salamander one as our first one #maybe mixed with a semicolon bc the salamander is like. symbolizing the same thing for me #the 'i fucking made it. im still here' kind of vibes

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obnoxiousarcade · 7 months ago

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im thinking again

#ive been dealt the bad hand; the worse hand; the hand from the arm from the body #im just.....okay #Well aaaa its weird #nothing anyone says to me is to *me*#which is fair-- no one knows me. but i do wish i got it. i dont know #the passing of time is still my worst enemy #i love everyone so much. itssssssweird.#if youre following these posts and saw the last one: i think i am still gonna die soon. awwh man. i dunno #but i have no reason to go on truthfully and i dont feel like finding one #im tired and sad OK?#i do want an acknowledgement again #and if you're following these posts im going to do the same thing i did last time and talk to the three tumblr blogs:#1. hi. i really like you. i admit it. j think youre really cool and all. uh okay im supposed to ask a question so here; how are you? well i #hope. k dont know. i havent been reading up like i should be and as for the second blog im talking to here i also havent been reading up lik #e i should im very sorry. i will make that journal again though.#and third blog: hi!! i still have no clue how to do that one thing but youve really gotten me into the hypothetical idea of differences base #f off of like ...area. the thing you said about that one thing.! i javwnt been doing much about it but thinkin but you know thinkin is fun.#i do want to do reading on it but ive been very sad lately and i cannot be bothered #this is really fun talking to people like this. um #youre very cool blog one ive been becoming a big fan of you again #blog two.if you see this: i want you-- I'm sayin that to specify that I'm talking to you. but i dont. anyway: uh. oh no i forgot what i was #gonna say #okay here's to not talking to anyone particular:#i want to do drugs. its the only way ill be able to handle all this.but i... oh hey i have melatonin!!#hmmmmmm #idk #it just puts me to sleep and i hate sleeping cause im always having bad dreams-- both nightmares and just dreams that Suck-- but...... im #desperate.#okay im gonna take a normal dose and just keep it together i hope #I hate sleeping

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imflyingfish · 8 months ago

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I gotta be less hard on myself. Annoyingly i know that my best work comes from when i am hard on myself. But i keep stopping myself from doing things i want to due to perfectionism. Annoying.

#atm i feel like im just chasing interest after interest after interest #ive been working on my mimecraft base a lot but i have. complex feelings about the base atm #im happy with it and its paradise.#its too paradise that it makes me unsettled #which is nonsense its my place and my build #but i feel a lot of pressure to make it perfect #even though I and vee are the only ones who go there and i dont really care about the likes on my posts anymore #it still makes me feel. odd.#i love the work though i love the style and i love using it as a means to imagine a better world #atm im really enjoying just spending time on the server hanging out with vee #but i get into my own head a lot about the base #its not even just the base im talking about everything but the base is the example #i built a bit of a weird interior today i just went crazy with the terracotta and the plants and a pool of water #and i keep thinking on if it was the 'right' thing to do #and if i will be able to complete it properly to a high enough standard #it also doesnt help that ive improved over the course of the last 2 years in building #so now my house looks off and weird and theres trees that need to be taken down and paths that are over textured #but i find the process of doing it and the feeling of completion really deep and important #i dont know. i feel like im constantly in a battle of pushing myself to be better but limiting myself at the same time by having fun or sthn #i feel like i should be making youtube videos or at least prepping to #but i havent because i cant figure out how to organise mods and its freaking me out. theres just loads of excuses stopping me #i dont know.#the annoying thing is pushing myself creatively has resulted in massive benefits for me lately creatively #partly i think why im feeling odd with the base atm is because ive suddenly gone for being barely able to play an hour a night to having all #the time in the world so its created a sudden influx in development #idk. this is rambly #fish talks #i want to download a minec@ft map and remove the suburban housing to replace with higher density properties becsuse ive been watching too #much socialist urban planning videos again and c1t1es skyl1nes just isnt cutting the cheese rn #thats the wrong saying. fandoms censored to avoid crosstagging

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coloursofaparadox · 2 years ago

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im still not over the sleep thing one sec i gotta rant about this shit

#i think the problem now is that historically my sleep habits have been Really Messed Up by what can loosely be called insomnia my whole life #its always kinda just been a given that if im in bed and i cant sleep there is absolutely nothing that can be done to help #and thats not for lack of trying i have tried every meditation and suggested solution possible. it does not happen.#if i cant fall asleep and try to force myself w/o distractions i will be awake staring at the ceiling for hours. usually till the morning #thats not an exaggeration it happened often before i gave up on it. so i figured out coping methods!#namely 1) making sure my body is taken care of as well as possible to make sure its not caused by pain or hunger or anxiety #and 2) not trying to force it and accepting itll happen when it happens. and then reading a book or watching a show on a dim screen #until i physically cant keep my eyes open and then i can fall asleep. if i try any earlier than that no dice. my brain wakes itself up again #these worked for years! but now thanks to adhd meds that actually make my brain quiet. uh. these same coping methods are. not working #im physically tired and start my usual routine and wait to pass out while reading but i just. dont. ever.#like. the physically tired feeling has never made a difference in my body cooperating with sleep. but now apparently it will????#and ive been ignoring it??? bc im used to it not working? i tried just. closing my eyes and trying to lay still yesterday and it WORKED #after like. 10 minutes or so. it was fucking crazy. i thought media and pop culture was lying about people doing that.#anyways. apparently i can fall asleep like a human and not some kind of weird chronically exhausted cryptid now.#(because of new adhd meds to be clear) but i havent been because i didnt even think to TRY it. since. yknow. cryptid status.#shits weird.

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