#but its still as debilitating as ever

[adambomb82]

.

[plusdanshii]

im going to ramble in the tags about baby care for a little just a little.

[clansunsharp]

since i cant put this in her bio on site: perenth's actual job title is Supreme Bitch

[homuraakemis]

Honestly, every single one of Jinx's accusations against Vi is so hypocritical:

1) "I thought, maybe you could love me like you used to, even though I'm different".

She accuses Vi of not loving/accepting her as she is. This is already an absurd expectation, because first, Vi has no obligation to "accept her as she is" when she is doing all the horrible things that she does, and second, Vi actually does love her despite all her mistakes, it's Jinx herself who refuses Vi's offer to leave and start anew.

But it's also a completely hypocritical accusation: she wants Vi to accept her as she is, but she doesn't accept Vi as she is. Vi is a person who is not willing to murder innocents and also someone who cares about Caitlyn. But Jinx doesn't accept that about her sister. She wants Vi to change for her, she wants Vi to become a murderer and kill Caitlyn to prove her love for her, and when Vi refuses, she rejects Vi. So Jinx herself doesn't accept Vi as she is.

2) "Poisoning our air"

This is incredibly hypocritical coming from a person who spent years helping to poison the people of Zaun with shimmer, a drug that devastated Zaun. Vi and Caitlyn's use of the Grey at least was targeted against the chem-barons (the very people that were poisoning Zaun with Shimmer and that Jinx spent years helping), and the Grey is also not shown to be lethal. Silco spreading shimmer, on the other hand, was not targeted. He didn't sell shimmer in a controlled manner for its healing properties, he sold it in a widespread manner, getting people addicted, debilitated, and turning them into monsters that attack other people. And Jinx helped Silco do it. What she did is much worse than what Vi did, but apparently it's ok for Jinx to poison her own people.** (And that's not even mentioning all the other bad things against Zaun that Jinx helped happen by working with Silco, like the child slave labor, the killing of the Firelights and all other of Silco's crimes)

3) "Wish I was seeing things when you decided to throw in with the Piltie goons who murdered mom and dad"

Again, so hypocritical. Yes, Vi joined the enforcers. But she joined a team with an enforcer that she trusted (Caitlyn), and she didn't join anyone directly responsible for their parent's deaths. Jinx, on the other hand, actually joined the man directly responsible for the deaths of their adoptive family.** Not to mention that Jinx's actions are the main reason Vi joined the enforcers in the first place.

**By the way, I know that Jinx was a kid when she was taken in by Silco. But as an adult, we never see Jinx express remorse for working with him. On the contrary, we see her grieve him, smell his jacket and only ever think fondly of him, never criticizing him for his role in destroying Zaun. And while she was a kid when she was taken in, she continues helping him as an adult, she continues doing it even after Vi comes back and tries to help her, and it's also implied that Ekko tried to help her in the past and she refused (or if he didn't try, she still could have tried to ask for his help, she had somewhere else to go other than staying with Silco). She could have left Silco as an adult but didn't. As Ekko said, she works for Silco not because she needs to, but because she wants to, and she constantly seeks Silco's validation. So while I can understand that Jinx was a vulnerable kid that was manipulated by Silco, I still think that if she's going to make these accusations against Vi without ever self-reflecting about her own role in helping Silco oppress Zaun, then it's fair to call out her hypocrisy.

4) "Wake up, sis. I'm a hero. I busted half of Zaun out of Stillwater while you were passed out in the bottom of a mug."

First of all, it's incredibly insensitive for her to throw Stillwater in Vi's face, considering that she knows Vi spent 7 years there, and it's really cruel to mock Vi for being "passed out in the bottom of a mug" considering that part of the reason Vi has been spiraling and drinking were Jinx's own actions. Jinx is part of the reason why Vi has been getting wasted like this.

But it's also hypocritical, because she is accusing Vi of doing nothing while Zaun is suffering, even though Jinx herself was also doing nothing. She was hiding with Isha and would not have helped anyone if Isha hadn't been taken. Not to mention that her own terrorist attacks are the very reason Zaun is being occupied, and Vi helped Zaun way more than Jinx ever did.

(Tbh, I find it frustrating that Vi never got to properly answer to Jinx's accusations or point out Jinx's hypocrisy. I get that for most of the show, Vi is never really in a good state of mind to actually answer to these accusations, especially because Vi is usually busy blaming herself for everything. So I'm not saying it's bad writing that Vi never properly defended herself against these accusations. But it's still very frustrating)

[mochinomnoms]

*blinks at u* hey so my brain is eating itself and this won't let me sleep so

*pulls out a megaphone* NSFW ALERT

Okay yes octotrio foursome i know for a fact that the tweels love making their sweet partners forget about their insecurities for a moment yuu and zuzu are mostly receiving WE KNOW THOSE TWO EELS ARE CUNTS (affectionately) and like overstimulating, sweet aftercare is clearly followed but now? They know you and Azul are very spent but oh how they love to bring out such debilitating states out of you two, voices breaking and thighs trembling wanting to stop and close "Too much!" they coo and tease in response "You can take more right?" it is their form of making you two take a break! Making your bones feel like jelly and mushing your brains up, forget about anything now darling! Feels too good to stop right?

Both of those greedy bastards get you and Azul into missionary, the dominant hands of each twin on your hips to hold them in place while the other can bring even more attention to your sensitive zones, so so messy! The amount of lube mixed with saliva and semen that coated yours and Azul's inner thighs from the previous positions, the three of your partners do love to pick apart and see what makes each scenerie unique so sounds, states everything is so important to them! The sloppy sounds that Azul causes when he thrusts into you and how with this position you two can clearly see what's going on, bodies trailed with hickys and bite marks you get masturbated by Floyd while Jade fingers Azul all while still going! Seeing how Jade looks down at you, you can see how he is whispering on Azul's ear giving light kisses every now and then along his neck. They know how much these little things can do for you two, they know and want to make the most of it! After some time of weakly thrusting the twins make Azul fill you up they eat up every breathless noises being made (they also made sure you and Azul held eye contact when bringing you two to the edge don't worry!)

Finally the twins seem satisfied with the state you two are in.. Maybe they can make it even better, Azul was catching his breath and then Floyd decided to steadily masturbate Azul's still twitching dick —"C'mon Azul we wanna see you paint shirmpy's body too!" —"Fufu~ you still have energy left Floyd?" —"Always have energy to make our little mates cum~" Azul threw his head back as he came again this time spilling on your abdomen

What a mess! Don't worry though you and Azul can go into the bath while the twins change the sheets, make small snacks prepare the wedding ceremony pull out fresh pijamas everything is ready for cuddling maybe taking a nap, watching something.. Or even just talking if you even can with your sore throat

They love, love you two this is just one of the many moments that make your relationship so special

AaaaaAAaAAaH this is the very first time I ever write something let alone smut! English isn't my mother tongue and I have forgotten how puntuaction commas or dots went! But this is very feeling charged hope that you can still get it! I think that now I can go curl up on my blankets and get some heavy sleep :3 nighty night Mochi!!

-Vaquita 🐄 (hope this isn't thrown in the dust.. I spent time on it and it could be forgotten forever ;( dramatically sobbing rn)

(you need to sleep love its good for the soul)

Omg no this is really good! I love when polyoctotrio includes the twins loving on Azul too, it feeds my soul! I think they really do get a kick out of overstimulating their partners, especially for someone as high-strung as Azul.

It gets frustrating when he gets too focused on work and starts ignoring his lovers. More so when their little Shrimp is running around busy with Grim and Crowley's tasks. The twins are feeling neglected by BOTH of their partners, what a sin!

The remedy? They con you two into coming into the bedroom to "relax" and unfortunately for you and Azul, relax means literally fucking the brains out of your head until you're too dumb to remember what you were supposed to do the next day.

The nice thing is, at the end, Azul is so sweet when he's like this! All the stress, and thoughts in general, are out of his mind and only filled with thoughts of his partners! He's so cuddly to the point that it's almost funny, with how Floyd has to pry his arms off you to properly wash you in the bath. It's awfully cute, so are you, though! You're clutching at Azul all the same, cherishing his affection as Jade attempts to dress you in your pajamas. Eventually the two get you both in bed again, curled into each other and practically knocking out the moment your heads hit the pillows.

A lovely polycule to be sure!

[gallantblade]

Mithrun Dungeon Meshi is probably my favorite disabled character ever, largely because his disability is completely invisible to anyone who doesn't know him, entirely internal/mental, and still INCREDIBLY, INARGUABLY debilitating. But at the same time he's not a one-note sob story; he's a driven and intelligent person who just needs a great deal of support and understanding. And he gets it! Originally because he is useful, but even just by the time he first appears on screen he has at least one person who genuinely values his health and survival.

And then the end of his arc as the manga comes to a close is just perfect! He'll never get back what he lost, but the wounds are healing and with help he's found a path forward. He has reasons to keep living even if life itself is not something he can value for its own sake. His disability, as terrible as it is, doesn't doom him to misery.

And all of this is really inspiring for me, someone who struggles to meet my physical needs and who struggles to want things and who isn't sure how to build a life worth living given my own depression and executive dysfunction.

[confetkitti]

bobs burgers portraits with some personal headcanons >_<

CALVIN : cis queer man that is really into gender fuckery, had done drag before in his free time. was a dirty blonde before he grayed out. very bad at showing affection and just talking to people in general. he has depression, self medicating as a way to keep it at bay.

FELIX : futch transgender lesbian. he has a very flipfloppy relationship with gender due to misogynistic ideas planted in his head as a child. bleach blonde, also used to be dirty blonde.

BOB : cis bi man. has debilitating social anxiety and sometimes paranoia. was diagnosed with autism late in life. doesnt really care about their relationship being open, if they both find a partner thats good news to him.

LINDA : cishet polyamorous. she was diagnosed with adhd when she was very young, not medicated for it and never has been. starting to get gray hairs but is embracing it. tries to befriend literally anybody she meets.

JIMMY : cis, very confused about his sexuality. doesnt want to be gay but hes definitely into trev sos. going to say hes actually italian i think its intended hes not in the show but i want him to be italian OK???

TREV : trans bi fella. afro latino. autistic, very chill all the damn time. self conscious about himself which is like. the complete opposite of jimmy, poor guy. very musically talented. he can also play guitar along with piano.

MORT : cis, doesnt want to put a label to his sexuality. he knows hes into ladys and men but doesnt really care that much about labels. into cooking/baking in his free time, alongside playing guitar.

BOSCO : cis pansexual. korean. tries his best to keep in touch with his kids, he still loves them very much. depressed as fuck, but is still chugging along. really just looking to settle down at this point, he loves company but tries not to show it.

PHILLIP : "im probably bigender but i have a job so idrc about that rn" frond. bi. has the biggest, fattest crush on ambrose. audhd, all over the place but very organised in his own way and the most socially awkward fella you ever did see.

AMBROSE : genderqueer gay. diagnosed BPD. has eccentric fashion and music taste outside of work. alcoholic, frond is currently trying to help him quit the habit. has a few tattoos, mostly related to his hobbies.

[strangegardendelusion]

Dragon merlin au

In this au, Merlin's frequent use of magic is causing a gradual transformation where he slowly develops dragon like traits (long hair, long teeth, etc..)

While he can manage the physical changes with haircuts and filing his teeth, the psychological impact is far more profound. He's becoming increasingly possessive and restless, exhibiting traits of a dragon guarding its hoard.

"Gaius, I don't understand why I feel so ill," Merlin says, his voice strained.

"Merlin, as a Dragonlord, it's possible you're experiencing hoard sickness," Gaius explains. "Dragons possess hoards of treasure and are fiercely protective of them. When deprived of their hoard, they suffer a debilitating fever until they reclaim it."

"A hoard? What could that be?" Merlin asks, bewildered.

"Think, Merlin. Has anything recently captured your attention or become particularly precious to you?" Gaius inquires.

Merlin struggles to recall, his mind clouded by a growing sense of unease.

As the months pass, Merlin's condition worsens. He struggles to fulfill his duties, his energy waning, and his personality shifting. He becomes short-tempered and withdrawn. The knights, Arthur, Morgana, and Gwen notice his decline, attributing it to a lingering illness. Arthur lessens his chores, and everyone gives him space, unintentionally isolating him further.

One night, the concerned group gathers secretly in Gaius's chambers, defying his orders to leave Merlin undisturbed.

"I can't believe we're doing this," Arthur mutters.

"Arthur," Morgana reassures him. "We're here to see Merlin. Besides, if Gaius catches us, we'll say we had urgent concerns."

"Still, this feels..." Arthur trails off.

"Relax, Princess," Gwaine interjects. "Everything will be fine. Don't pretend you don't miss him."

Suddenly, they hear voices and quickly hide. Merlin emerges, followed by a frustrated Gaius.

"I told you, I'm fine!" Merlin insists, his voice hoarse.

"No, you're not!" Gaius retorts.

"I said I'm fine!" Merlin's eyes flash gold, and a nearby vase shatters.

"It's alright, Merlin," Gaius soothes. "Here, try this new potion."

Merlin drinks the potion, then immediately vomits. "Ugh... I'm so sorry, Gaius. I don't know what's happening to me. It feels like I'm losing my mind."

"It's probably nothing," Gaius says, though his expression is troubled. "You just need rest and medicine."

The group witnesses this unsettling scene, their concern deepening. They realize Merlin's "illness" is far more complex than they ever imagined.

[quitealotofsodapop]

These are my notes on the thing i was cooking up at like 1 in the morning when I couldn't sleep

• Mate bonds are a thing

• Mated demons are empathic and can feel their bond mate's emotions

• The closer the bond, the stronger their ability is. Bonded mate's can also share chi in times of desperation.

• Some say if you have a strong enough bond you can telepathically communicate with your mate and even share memories

• Wukong and Macaque had a close bond when they were younger, close enough to communicate telepathically when in close proximity

• They no longer have this ability due to their mate bond shattering. Part of the conflict between Wukong and Macaque is due to the fact neitber are really sure where and when the bond was shattered and blamed the other.

• A shattered mate bond is very traumatic for both sides, the closer the bond was the more painful it's loss is most couples don't fully recover. Very rare and extreme cases have literally died of a broken heart.

• Macaque had lost the ability to feel the bond when he was revived, as his second life had never "technically" been bonded to Wukong, remnants of the Shattering do still show up whenever he sees Wukong which is half the reason Macaque's so aggressive towards him at first

• Wukong in comparison has been bearing the full brunt of the pain for centuries and has silently suffered ever since he first lost Macaque. He absolutely does not want anyone, ESPECIALLY Macaque, to know this. Part of the reason he sought a successor was because of the physical debilitating effect the shattered bond had on him in the long term.

Hehehehe I do love a good Soulmate!au

Demons feeling things so strongly, and being ready to Fight to protect their bond is so in-character for them. I mean, look at Kui Mulang, he was still feeling a soulmate bond for someone who couldn't recognise him - and in the books it drove him to unimaginable lows.

Not to mentiom PIF and DBK! Those 500 years apart probably felt like actual torture.

As for Wukong and Macaque, I can feel that their bond broke from a mixture of many things, not just the "big" stuff.

You mentioned in the DMs that Macaque starts feeling it again around the end of S3, starting with the Samadhi Fire incident. But Wukong has put up a mental shield to protect himself from further pain...

Wukong doesn't want to be hurt again. Macaque wants answers. Both are bad at communication, and are slowly becoming down bad for one another again.

For those not in the know, like MK, its very confusing to watch.

[prettyboykatsuki-moved]

they really nailed it with caleb's design he's literally just Some Guy. like a very handsome Guy for sure, but that's just Some Guy and then he takes his shirt off and he's ripped as hell and has the most debilitating siscon you've ever seen in your life and now he's crazy attractive but in a way that makes it exceptionally clear that he's still easily perceived as Some Guy. hot boy next door dreams of fucking his sister kind of nonsense

its literally the sexiest part about him to me. sorry. like i get some people think he's ugly but the fact that caleb looks like some insanely handsome dude i'd see in my Intro to Physics lecture makes me want to jump his bones. it is my favorite aspect about him. i Know that man. i see him around campus in the library and someone is always stopping him to say hi and i WANT him.

hot boy next door of your dreams and virtually perfect. but he wants to screw his little sister exclusively. dream man

[autball]

Part 4 of a 5 part series about the ways harmful practices can be made to sound appealing and how to spot the differences between helpful and harmful approaches.

Sensory sensitivities are a huge part of being autistic (and sometimes ADHD, too). They can range from kind of annoying but manageable to debilitating and meltdown-inducing. They can fluctuate from day to day and situation to situation. They can seem to pop up one day out of nowhere and disappear just as quickly.

Sensory differences are dynamic, which can make them unpredictable and disruptive. Not many people want to live that way, so working on sensory desensitization with someone who has a lot of sensitivities sounds like a thing that could help. Fewer meltdowns and able to do more things? Yes please!

But as you might have guessed, there’s a giant problem with that: reducing sensitivity isn’t really a thing you can do TO someone. At least, not without inducing a trauma response or two. You can certainly get someone to learn to ignore their own body signals or pretend to be fine when they’re not, but that’s not a sensory thing. That’s a dissociation thing.

“Sensory desensitization” is usually code for exposure therapy. Exposure therapy has its uses, but addressing legitimate sensory issues isn’t one of them. And it should only be done WITH someone who can fully consent and actively participate. Coercing and/or forcing someone to interact with distressing sensory input until they stop reacting is not that.

“Sensory desensitization” also operates under the assumption that people just get used to, or habituate to, the noises and sensations around them, even ones that bother them. But studies have shown that autistic people actually don’t habituate to sensory stimuli the way non-autistic people do. It may take way longer to happen, or it may never happen at all.

You know what can and does happen? Sensory sensitivities can just kinda…change. All on their own. We grow up, our hormones change, our stress levels change, our environments change, and our sensory profiles are affected by all of those things (and more!). Sensitivities can just disappear, naturally, without any intervention. And that’s about the only thing I’d ever refer to as real sensory desensitization.

But sensory sensitivities can go any which way. Maybe new ones rear their ugly heads. Or maybe something bothers us at a level 7 one day and 2 the next, then goes all the way up to 11 next week. And then there are the ones that just stay pretty much the same, all the time, forever.

I could not handle pants for a long time as a kid, but then somewhere along the way, I could. I really couldn’t tell you when it happened. There are some foods that used to make me gag that no longer do, and there are some that I still just cannot handle. I have never been okay with things that stick to my hands, and that really hasn't changed since as far back as I can remember. 

You know what all these sensory sensitivities have in common? Someone made me “tolerate” them at some point, often repeatedly. And none of them changed (or didn’t) because of repeated exposure, but because of my natural development. All I got from forced exposure was this lousy tendency to disconnect from myself.

Sensory desensitization is just not a thing we should be trying to do to people. Sensory *integration* is a real thing that can help people, but that is a whole different animal that requires more than just exposing people to stuff that bothers them. You’ll need an OT (Occupational Therapist) with the specialized training for that. Just make sure they’re not sneaking behaviorism tactics or exposure therapy in there either (yep, the words “sensory integration” can be used to misrepresent what they’re doing, too).

It is a far better thing to help someone learn about their own sensory profile and how to manage their sensory needs than to make them ignore their own body signals. Alexithymia is not #goals.

[bloodblanks]

one umbrella cover two [mr. scarletella x reader] — chapter xvi.

As past memories and events resurface, your relationship with Mr. Scarletella takes a turn.

note: reader is not player (mc).

author’s note: dead dove: do not eat. this fanfiction will contain dark and explicit content, including heavy dub-con, stockholm syndrome, violence, and similar themes.

please read at your own discretion.

<- previous chapter

You.

Of course it was you. That three letter word, muddied and distorted across multiple languages, multiple worlds, but still ultimately coming to a staggeringly discernible culmination—you.

All of a sudden, the weight of his body became much too heavy, too unbearable to support any longer, his knees buckling under the pressure and then he was tumbling over. Sinking, crashing down to the floor, his bones colliding against the frigid floor as he trembled, quivering hands hovering around his own head.

You.

And of course it was you, because how could he forget? Not even the passage of years and change of appearance can warp you, you who were so ethereal and divine as you had always, always been. You, who were staring down at him with worry, with such warm concern that it made the coldness of his own heart stab through itself with sharp, glacial spikes. You, whose eyes were brimming with something that caused anguish to corrode his very bones, acrimony seeping into his bloodstream.

Me.

But the passage of time had warped him, distorted and deformed him into something utterly unrecognizable, utterly deplorable, utterly monstrous.

So when the words, “Are you okay?” left your lips, he could only gaze up at you with petrified eyes, unable to answer. However, even had it not been for the rotten, gnawing guilt welling up in his chest preventing him from speaking out, the crackling static that sizzled through his mind like a steak on a hot pan would debilitate him, nonetheless.

“You okay?”

That’s what you first asked him, wasn’t it? He couldn’t be sure. The memories were fuzzy—the static causing them to disintegrate and reintegrate all at the same time—but he could clearly remember you mouthing those words, even though he didn’t understand the language at the time. Back when it was just you and him in the elevator, the very first time, the—

God, he couldn’t remember, couldn’t recall clearly just what exactly had transpired, could only recall the way your lips moved as you gazed down at his awestruck, too stunned to respond, form. Lips so smooth, even with their buttery charcoal tint, they looked more enchanting than any worldly sight he’s ever seen. Lips—

Mouth.

“Want mouth touch?” he had asked you, the two of you entangled in one another’s arms, your bodies huddled together on the underground level of the apartment, where the two of you had stepped out together after the elevator reached its final stop.

Much time had passed since then, each ticking moment consumed after the other by the endless void that stretched out beyond this dimly lit chamber. Moments spent on clumsy interactions and the gradual learning of each other’s language. Moments occurring much like a sweet afternoon’s reverie, whisked away only by the next day that came, in a place of eternal nighttime.

His wounds, while cumbersome, had done the opposite of what he expected them to. Instead of festering and becoming worse, they had instead started to mend themselves, the lacerated skin starting to match yours in a shade of windswept grey.

When your fingers skimmed over his wrist, brushing against the injury site, he realized that he barely felt any pain. All that he experienced was a tingling numbness and a mild discomforting ache.

“Mouth touch?” you inquired, not seeming to understand what a kiss was. He had expected as much—you demonstrated little knowledge of the world beyond this abyss.

But he didn’t need you to know anything about his world. His world was a place of eternal downpour, grey and cold. He didn’t care for it. All he needed you to know was him. Him, and his utter devotion for you. He knew now that the reason behind his fascination for the otherworldly void he now found himself in was merely a string of the instrument of your fated connection.

He was certain of it.

“Like this,” he murmured, leaning in slowly to capture your lips with his. You remained still, not flinching or tensing, which he took as a sign to continue. His mouth moved delicately against your own, the warmth of his breath and the coolness of your lips meeting in juxtaposition.

“Like this,” you repeated, chasing his lips with your own after he pulled away. He could feel his chest tighten, ribcage clamping down on his much too swollen heart as you clumsily imitated his motions.

Oh, how precious you were. How utterly captivating and flawless. How—

You.

Staring at him with visibly fraught eyes, you were bending down, your hands on his shoulders. He snapped out of his stupor for a brief moment just to be forcefully thrown back into it as soon as he tried to understand just what had occurred.

He could remember it clearly now, remember your hauntingly beautiful self, your first meeting at the crux of the other world. He could recall the first exchanges of language and emotion, the utter affection that bloomed in his chest as you kissed.

But here you were, standing in front of him, no longer otherworldly, but still completely mesmerizing. You had changed. From the supernatural entity he knew you as in his former life, to your now slowly transforming, yet still so human self.

He didn’t know how it had happened, just that at some point, you had become a mortal. That knowledge alone was enough to cripple him, further destabilizing his already trembling body.

Me.

So, this was what he had done.

He couldn’t stop the memories, not anymore. From your meeting in the apartment complex, when he took you away to his forsaken world, to his ensuing interactions with you, his pitiful attempts at intimacy—

He chuckled; a hollow, bitter laugh leaving his lips. He could feel despair burrowing deep within his bones as the weight of his actions sank into him further and further, the heaviness too difficult to carry.

You were still looking at him with those eyes, confused and concerned and much, much too sympathetic for your own good. He wanted to gouge his own out, if not to avoid witnessing the care in yours, then to remove his sight entirely as it would only be a fitting punishment for the crimes he’d committed.

Cannot be together.

He couldn’t keep you here. Not anymore. Not like this.

Mustering up every ounce of determination in himself, he uttered a single word, as firmly as he could.

“Leave.”

“W-What?” You tripped over your own words as you spoke, evidently caught off guard by his sudden command. “What do you mean?”

“Go to the elevator,” he stated, in a flawless conjuration consisting entirely of your language. “That’s the exit.”

—

Long.

You weren’t sure how much time had passed since it left. But it had disappeared somewhere in the vast darkness of this place, and you were left with a gradually increasing longing for whatever it was.

Need consume.

The desire you felt soon became an unbearable, gnawing ache that only continued to increase. You knew little and recognized even less, but hunger did not need to be identified, only felt.

Not here.

It was a miserable feeling. The emptiness of your stomach caved in further and further, your body seemingly ready to fold in over itself. Despite your relentless roaming, the abyss stayed static. The place was devoid of anything to be seen, heard, or felt.

Troubled.

It was a vague, cryptic emotion, but somewhere in your mind, you could recognize that you were uneasy. The pain in your abdomen was growing stronger, to the point where it was the primary sensation that occupied your mind. You wanted to feel. Wanted to hear. Wanted to see.

Not want.

Perhaps you should be happy about being able to feel something different. But despite its separation from the otherwise monotony of your existence, you found yourself unable to enjoy it.

Need rest.

Walking had become fatiguing. You were starting to feel lethargic, each step taken more exhausting than the last. Your desire to rest was battling with your starvation, leaving you conflicted as to which you should pursue.

Light.

Just when your eyelids were beginning to weigh down, any wishes to combat your weariness having dissipated, you noticed the perpetual darkness that shrouded you begin to thin.

Awake.

Your eyes snapped back open. You weren’t sure what you were seeing, but you noticed something that contrasted against the pitch black you were accustomed to.

A small burst of energy flickered in your chest, permitting you to keep moving forwards. The more you walked, the brighter it became. You noticed that your eyes were stinging; the luminescence was a jarring sight for your eyes that had known nothing but the dark to behold.

Wall appear.

You couldn’t help but pause, taking in the strange sight. The grey walls were already a startling and spectacular sight, but the green hued doors had entirely captured your attention. You stared ahead, awestruck by the myriad of��things that you could see.

Sound.

You hadn’t noticed the creature there, not until it let out that high-pitched sound distinctly engraved in your memories. It started to move towards the green doors, frantically slamming a small square on their right.

Cannot leave.

Instantly, you realized it was trying to leave you, much like the previous one had. You couldn’t let that happen. You wanted to keep seeing it, keep hearing it, wanted to feel it in your grasp.

You dashed forwards, lunging at it, hands grabbing for the creature. It made more noises, this time louder. How delightful it was, your ears finally registering sound after such a long period of utter nothingness.

Possible consume?

The thought crossed your mind as you held onto the creature, which was moving forcibly against your grasp. It was desperately flailing, and you realized then that this creature was frail.

Weak.

You didn’t know what this creature was; had never seen anything like it before. Somehow, amidst its piercing cries, you were able to realize that it was edible.

It was strange how you knew what to do without even thinking twice. You reached for its neck, gripping it tightly before harshly jerking it to the side. A cracking sound—oh, so pleasant—echoed across the empty space.

Consume.

You dragged the creature, now inanimate, away from the light. Bringing it into the shadows where you could safely ingest it, you proceeded to sink your teeth into its mangled neck.

Pleasant.

It tasted good, rivers of blood flowing into your mouth, quenching the thirst you just realized you had been feeling. You continued ripping away at its flesh, tearing its body all the way down to their bones.

A lot blood.

The space you were in was dim, but bestowed with just enough illumination for you to see the crimson liquid splattered over its form. There was blood everywhere, splashed over both you and the creature you were ingesting, soaking you both in a vibrant, exquisite scarlet.

Pretty.

Never before had you seen such a striking, bold colour. A hue so rich, so enchanting that you were unable to tear your eyes away. It seemed that coveting was a never-ending ache, one that fuelled every fiber of your being as your mind screamed for more.

You ate away, consuming the body over an unknown period of time until all that remained was a heap of bones. When you were done, you were satiated. You lacked the need to continue eating, but the longing to see more of that brilliant, brilliant red had flared into an unquenchable thirst.

Seek.

After a brief rest, you returned to the room you initially found the creature in, the one with greys and greens that all paled in comparison to the magnificence of red. This time, there were no other creatures.

You walked over to the doors, giving them a push. They didn’t open. Puzzled, you tried again, reaching the same result. You wondered if doors were not what you thought they were. Your entire existence had been submerged in darkness and you had no confidence as to whether the strange concepts appearing in your head were present or not.

Door device.

You noticed then, the small square that the creature had been touching. You mimicked your recollection of his actions, fingers pressing on the same square. It wasn’t soft, but it squished underneath your digits in a most bewildering way.

To your surprise, mere moments later, the doors opened with a soft rumble.

—

When you reopened your eyes, the intruding images were gone. Before you once again was Mr. Scarletella, staring up at you from the floor he had sunken down upon, with an expression you couldn’t quite place.

You tried to process the visualization that just appeared in your mind, attempted to understand it, but a memory pierced through your skull at the same time, taking precedence.

“Go to the elevator. That’s the exit.”

Right. That was what he had said, seconds ago, before static had tarnished your vision, distorting your sight. You realized then that the elevator your mind conjured was likely correlated to the one he had mentioned.

It was perturbing knowledge, and you couldn’t help but feel dread seep into your viscera. There was something wrong with that information, but you were lost as to what exactly was amiss about it. Nonetheless, your gut was screeching to you; claims that you shouldn’t know such things.

Perhaps it was right. But what did it matter when your long awaited freedom was just ahead of you?

As bizarre as it was, you didn’t feel any joy, excitement, or relief. You didn’t feel any of the emotions that were appropriate for this situation, but rather a disenchanted, grim acknowledgement.

A single word left your lips.

“Why?”

Mr. Scarletella merely gazed at you. Despite the humanity he had regained, his eyes were bleaker, duller than ever.

“Leave.” His tone was stern; his voice was colder and more forceful than you had ever heard him speak before. It was evident there was no room for argument. He had made up his mind.

Your mouth opened slightly, lips parting as you were about to repeat your question, but the resolute yet desolate look in his eyes caused you to pause. Your mouth moved a few more times, vocal cords on the verge of emitting sound, but nothing came out.

You frowned, lips pressing into a thin line as you forced your acceptance. It’s better to just take this and leave, you told yourself. You have no reason to stay.

Ignoring the nagging feeling in your chest, the organ trapped within your ribcage in dissonance with your brain, you swallowed the saliva that had pooled in your mouth. Something was lodged in your throat. You tried to pay it no mind.

Mechanically, you nodded your head. This was what you wanted, right?

Turn around, you instructed yourself. Let’s go.

You lingered for a second longer, before finally turning around, your chest filled with a foreign weight. As you trudged away, you couldn’t help but feel like a marionette with broken strings, your movements unnaturally stiff.

You had only made it a few steps across the corridor when you heard your name being called. You turned around, a harrowing spark of hope lighting up in a place you tried your best to shut out.

“Y/N,” he spoke, his voice straining. You could only look at him, disquieting anticipation causing your heart to race as you wondered what he’d say. “A lot adore. How say?”

You wanted to strangle the strange scintilla of an emotion that flickered in your chest. Wanted to stomp on it, snuff it out until nothing remained.

Instead, you simply responded to his question.

“Love.”

A minute passed. And then another. A short eternity stretched out, time coming to a halt as the two of you met each other’s eyes. All you could hear was the rushing of blood, your pulse fervently pounding in your ears.

You were brought back to the present, time ceasing to pause as Mr. Scarletella’s gaze left yours. His eyes were cast downwards when he uttered a single, concluding sentence, the syllables piercing through your sternum with biting frost.

“I see.”

next chapter ->

if you enjoy my writing, please consider reblogging; i really appreciate the interactions.

thank you everyone for reading and supporting my work! (｡･ω･｡)ﾉ♡

[inotakumagf]

the beast at the heart of the world

✶ gojo satoru x gn!reader

word count ✺ 1.7K

summary ✺ you’ve had a shadow following you since you were a kid. one day, it tries to hurt you.

warning ✺ kind of creepy descriptions of a cursed spirit, but it’s not super gory or anything like that. also i never usually enjoy instant love, but reader and gojo are very touch-starved, so it kinda goes from 0 to 100 real fast oops. reblogs & comments r very appreciated <3

You started seeing the creature when you were seven years old.

He’s never spoken to you, but he’s always watching. At least, you think it’s a he. The creature has pale, rubbery skin with pointed ears and a towering figure. The way he stares at you reminds you of how your father does, and the comparison causes panic to burst against your seams. 

The first time you notice him, you’re playing with your dolls in your bedroom. You focus on the story you’re telling with your Barbies, trying to ignore the way your parents scream at each other in the kitchen. You have this suffocating desire to make them stop, even if that means hurting them. You don’t want to—you know you’d never—but you can’t shake the overwhelming anger brewing inside of you. 

When you finally look up, your heart drops at the sight of sharp, glistening teeth peeking out from your closet. The only thing visible in the shadows is the curling grin of a beast, and it feels like a twisted promise to rip you apart. You notice its red, beady eyes next, and you whimper when you realize it’s looking right at you. The creature’s grin widens.

You scream for your mother to save you, hands clamping over your eyes as you sob. At least your parents’ argument stops as your mother comes to see what’s wrong. When you point out the creature to your mother and explain the situation, she throws open your closet door, to your absolute horror. But her smile doesn’t change as she steps to the side and motions to the closet, the monster still staring at you with its full attention. You cry when you realize she can’t see the creature. Its gaze burns into you as she reassures you that there’s nothing to worry about, even as the creature drools over her shoulder. 

You learn two things that day: one, no one else besides you can see this creature. And two, it follows you. Everywhere. 

You don’t know why, but he never, ever takes his eyes off of you. And he never stops smiling. You have to ignore him every second of your life after that, pretending that he doesn’t tower over you and terrify you beyond comprehension. No matter how many years it’s been since you first saw him, your heart and body freeze every time you look over your shoulder and see the imposing figure of your monster. Truly, it could be worse. He’s never touched you before, he’s never put you or anyone else in physical danger. He just stands a short distance behind you, and he stares. But the anticipation is so overwhelming that it may kill you before he does. You often cry yourself to sleep, hoping that he will just go away. Why can’t he go away?

Sometimes, he stands so close that you think he’ll swallow you whole. You know he thinks of it, because his large mouth is wide open as he peers down at you, letting his saliva drip over you. After all these years, it’s still nearly impossible not to sob in fear or flinch away from him, especially when you’re in public. It's so debilitating, and it turns something as simple as ordering coffee at a cafe into a dreadful process. 

Like now, you try to order your drink, stumbling over your words as you do your best to ignore the creature standing beside you. Your voice cracks and you freeze as the monster drops its head onto your shoulder. You can feel its clammy skin against yours, and there’s a slight scratch as brittle hair brushes against you. A sob bubbles in your chest as the creature licks a trail up your face with its long tongue.

“I–can I…?” You can’t finish your sentence, too busy trying not to scrunch your eyes closed at the feeling of his slimy, purple tongue dragging all over you. He’s never touched you before, and you don’t know why he has now. Maybe his insatiable hunger has gotten the best of him. 

You make a strange noise in the back of your throat. The barista in front of you rolls his eyes at the state of you. You can’t really blame him, because you know how you must look.

“Are you gonna order?” He asks impatiently.

You clench your fists and try to at least breathe in and out. “I–”

The bell to the front door jingles as someone pushes the door open quickly. You and the barista turn to the man that has entered the cafe. He has snow white hair and a dark pair of glasses that he pushes up the bridge of his nose. You can see how his chest rises and falls quickly, as if he’d just run a marathon. He swipes his gaze across the room before meeting your eyes. Your eyes widen when he locks his eyes with yours. 

“Are you ordering or not?” The barista’s annoyed voice brings you back to reality.

An apology is on the tip of your tongue, but the man who’d just stepped inside comes over with a grin on his face. 

“Sweetheart! Sorry to make you wait, I couldn’t find my card.” He stands besides you, laying a careful hand on your shoulder. He pouts at the barista. “I didn’t mean to make you guys wait, we’ll order now. What was it that you said you wanted to try, honey?”

You startle when you realize he’s talking to you. You stumble through your order. The mystery man orders after you do, handing the barista his card to pay and making small talk. Your drinks are made fast, and you can’t blame the barista for wanting to be rid of you as soon as possible.

You don’t know what you’re expecting, but it’s not the stranger keeping an arm over your shoulder as you leave. He doesn’t let go after you walk out of the shop, or even when you’ve traveled a block away. Your heart stutters in fear as you try to think of a way to escape his grip. 

But then he whispers into your ear, “Do you want me to handle this thing for you? It’s awfully close, don’t you agree?”

It takes you too long to realize he’s talking about your monster. Your monster that no one should be able to see. “You can see it too? I thought I was crazy.”

He grins. “You still might be, that’s not for me to decide. This special grade curse looks like it’s been brewing for a while. You poor thing, you can’t get rid of it, can you?”

You blink. “What? Special grade what?”

He ignores you, rubbing his hand up and down your shoulder in comfort. “How long has it been bothering you?”

“Since I was seven.”

For the first time, he looks surprised. “That long, huh? Let me take care of it, sweet pea. You won’t have to suffer much longer.”

You feel a rush of wind at your side and the stranger’s warmth disappears. It feels like you blink, and the creature turns to dust. Just like that, almost twenty years’ worth of suffocation is gone. The constant, overwhelming pressure against your skin is gone. The man appears at your side once more. 

It’s such a relief, and it's almost embarrassing how quickly you deflate against this man. He holds you to his side gently, running his hand against your back as you sob into his neck. You should have more shame, but you can’t bring yourself to care at all. 

You mutter your gratitude into his skin, and you can feel him shudder against your lips.

He lets out a shaky breath before grinning at you. “How ‘bout I walk you home? So I can make sure none of these curses bother you anymore, sweetheart.”

You’re flustered, stumbling over your reply before giving him a, “O-okay. Thank you.”

He lets out something between a sigh and a laugh. “Of course, honey.”

You can’t handle it. This man is a stranger, but he’s so…friendly. Thanks to your monster—your curse—you’ve never allowed yourself to be close to anyone in fear that the creature would snap and have its way. And though it’s hard to break away from your habit of fear, this man’s presence calms your fast-paced heart. He makes you feel safe. 

Once you’ve arrived at your apartment, you feel disappointment brew in your chest. “This is my place,” you mumble. “Thank you for helping me. For the first time in my life I feel…light.”

He smiles at you. “Can I give you my number? In case a curse like this ever bothers you again. All you have to do is call and I’ll be there for you.”

You agree easily, because you want to see him again, even if it’s in a less than ideal circumstance. You pass your phone to him, peering over his shoulder as he types his name into your phone. He pauses his typing to smile over at you, and it makes you flustered enough to turn away.

He laughs. “Aw, sorry, sugarplum. Didn’t mean to embarrass you. Could I get a name to match that pretty face of yours?”

You tell him your name, only considering a moment later that you probably shouldn’t give your name out to a stranger so easily. But you feel comfortable around him, and you find yourself trusting—you glance down at the contact name he’d set for himself—Satoru. You trust Satoru.

You turn to go inside your apartment building, but Satoru calls your name and you turn back, a look of concern flickering over your face.

He rubs his hand against the back of his neck. He looks almost…shy? “You can use my number, uh, even if there’s no curse. Do whatever you want with it, actually. I’m always available to talk. If you have questions about all of this, of course.”

The furrow in your brow eases and you smile and thank him again. You wave your phone in the air briefly. “I’m sure I’ll find something useful to do with this.”

And before you head back inside your apartment, you glance behind you almost instinctively. But there’s no more monster to worry about. The only thing behind you is your strange savior. You promise yourself that you’ll take him up on his offer, as many times as he’ll have you.

[username-1121]

The Rise and Fall of Career Success in Vedic Astrology

I just watched D Angelo Wallace’s video on Katy Perry’s downfall in her music career. I found it so interesting and wanted to know whether we could see this decline present in her chart. Which is why we’ll be discussing music artists who suddenly rise to fame, as well as the indicators of one’s decline in their career and why some are able to sustain this fame for such a long time.

Note: I’ll only be discussing the D1 and D9 charts, as well as using the Vimshottri Dasha systems. If anyone who’s more qualified or has a valid opinion regarding my research, please don’t hesitate to comment, I’m always open to learning more :)

~~~~~~~~~~

✨So what causes the rise and fall of someone’s success? ✨

To make a long story short, the answer is simply “Mahadashas”.

A lot of people have fame indicators as well as very favourable yogas in their charts but many won’t ever run through the favourable Dasha in order to experience these fruits in this life time. Or they may run through it too early or late in their life.

- The dignity of your Mahadasha/Antardasha planet is SO important. If the planet isn’t strong or atleast well aspected then you won’t be able to reap the full benefits of that planet.

- The D9 chart is extremely important, if the mahadasha is well placed in the D1 but not in D9 then we can see a rapid decline in one’s career.

Exhibit A: Katy Perry

Katy Perry is currently experiencing a massive decline in her music career. Why is that? During her peak in the 2010s, Katy was running her Saturn Mahadasha which was in great condition in her chart :

- Exalted in her D1 chart

- But also well aspected by benefics.

- Saturn is also a yogakaraka planet for her D1 libra lagna.

If we look at her D9 chart her Saturn still maintains it’s strength:

-Saturn is in Taurus (Venusian sign)

- Saturn Conjunct Moon

- The ruler Venus in its own sign

As we can see she had an extremely favourable Saturn, she was destined to achieve some sort of recognition and success during that mahadasha. Especially in Venusian pursuits.

In 2014 she entered her Mercury mahadasha. Many will tell you that after 2015 her career took a sharp decline. If we look at her Mercury in her D1 chart we see that Mercury is indeed in a favourable sign. Although it is negatively aspected by Saturn it is still receiving good aspects from other beneficial planets. Saturn is still considered favourable in her chart so why was the decline in her career so tremendous?

Once we look at the D9 chart we notice how Mercury:

- Is Debilitated in Pisces.

- The ruler Jupiter is conjunct Ketu

This shows us how Katy Perry needs to focus more on improving her Spiritual life rather than just the material world. Which is why her art is no longer connecting with the masses the same way it did during her Saturn mahadasha.

I would argue to say that the only reason why everyone is so aware of her decline is because she’s currently in her Rahu antardasha. She unfortunately has eyes on her but not in the way she would like. As we can see Rahu can indeed bring “fame” but its not always in our favour.

But what about the artists receiving this sudden rise to fame?📈✨

Exhibit B: Charli XCX

Charli XCX has been a well known artist for the past decade. She had her popular song “Boomclap” reach the charts in 2014, but ever since then a lot of people would say that she kind of flew under the radar since then. So what’s the reason for her sudden success?

She is currently in her Rahu mahadasha which she entered in 2013. If we look at her D1 chart Rahu is in Sag:

- the ruler Jupiter in Leo.

- Rahu is aspected by many benefics.

But once we look at the D9 chart we see that:

- Rahu is exalted in Taurus,

- with the ruler Venus exalted in Pisces

So this period is bound to be beneficial for her especially in her creative endeavours.

She rose to sudden fame when she was in her Rahu Mahadasha and Rahu Antardahsa in 2014. But then things went silent until late 2023 when she entered her Ketu antardasha which is exalted in her D9 chart.

I wouldn’t be surprised if she continues to remain successful during her Venus antardasha due to her Venus being exalted in the D9.

Let’s take a quick look at Sabrina Carpenter who’s also been receiving some traction.

Exhibit C: Sabrina Carpenter

She had previously (2004 - mid 2024) been in her Saturn Mahadasha, Saturn is neutral in her D1:

- Saturn in Aries aspected by Ketu and Mars

If we look at her D9 chart:

- Saturn is in Leo but still very much conjuncted by Ketu

As we can see the planet Saturn is not strong in her chart. Saturn is also well known for being a planet that reinforces obstacles, so the fact that it doesn’t have many benefic influences helping Sabrina ease into the process is very much seen in her career. Due to this Sabrina was less likely to get early/easy success. As we can see in this mahadasha she faced many delays, challenges and late success. Saturn is not denying any success but rather delaying it.

Sabrina has 5 studio albums and 24 singles. As we can see she had been releasing music for a very long time but hadn’t gained any traction. So what changed?

Sabrina’s career rose to success when she entered her Jupiter antardasha, if we look at her chart:

- Jupiter is well placed in its own sign Pisces, in both the D1 and D9, which is considered Vargottama which is extremely powerful in astrology. In Sabrina’s case it is yielding positive results.

However will Sabrina sustain this success?

Sabrina had recently (last month actually) entered her Mercury Mahadasha which she will remain in for the next 17 years.

I personally think that Sabrina’s career might have a subtle decline and remain neutral. She won’t continually get the same attention like we’ve seen in the past few months. Of course she will still have a huge following and have people interested in her music, but it won’t be as “huge” as the era she’s currently in.

Mercury is heavily aspected by malefics and isn’t making any impressive moves in her D9 as well. She might currently be in her “peak” and the public might slowly start to divert their attention elsewhere.

Then again Saturn is known to give you success (after hard work) which reaches great heights and sustains for a very long time, so I could be very much mistaken.

But who knows, that’s just based on what I’m seeing, I haven’t done a full on analysis but I would love to know what your thoughts are on this prediction👀

And what about those who remain successful for a long time?

So we’ve discussed what allows massive success in a Mahadasha. We’ve also discussed why some people who’ve previously experienced massive success but have a sudden fall from grace, well others experience a sudden rise and why it took them so long.

But I wanted to check this same techniques with other celebrities who manage to sustain their relevance and success for long periods of time.

When we see celebrities like Ariana Grande, Billie Eilish, Rihanna etc. who manage to remain relevant and still achieve success in their endeavours it’s usually because they’re experiencing a long Mahadasha which is well placed in both their D1 and D9.

And if they do change mahadashas, that usually means that the dasha planet is still benefic in their charts therefore the success pronlongs itself.

✨Bonus observation✨

I read this article by Shankar Bhattachrjee, where he discusses this technique when checking for successful Mahadasha periods.

And he mentions how even numbered Mahadashas are more successful periods compared to the odd numbered Mahadashas.

So for example: if you were born in a Saturn mahadasha, that’s your 1st Dasha (one being an odd number) so if this mahadasha prolongs for a long time then you’re more likely to experience a very a hard and challenging period in your life.

Once you reach the 2nd Dasha (two being an even number) in this example it would be Mercury, things during this Dasha are more likely to be more successful and beneficial during this time period.

And this continues on, so Dasha 1, 3, 5 tend to be harder compared to 2,4,6 Dashas.

So if you’re currently in your 3rd Dasha then you’re more likely to face hardships and struggle in your life.

Please read the article down below, he really does explore this in greater detail and more nuance.

But I found this to be very accurate especially studying all the charts I mentioned above, as well as other celebrities. Of course there will be one or two exceptions but I found this technique to be almost 90% accurate. I also found this very accurate when studying the charts of people that I know in my personal life.

I notice that celebrities tend to almost always shoot to stardom/success during their even numbered Dasha, and will sometimes decline in their success during odd numbered Dasha. I saw this present in Katy Perry, Selena Gomez, Beyoncé, etc. who are all currently having a decline in their career because they’re in their odd numbered dashas.

Of course if the planet is well placed in the D1 and D9, and your birth chart has a promise of success then things will manifest differently.

Eg: Billie Eilish and Ariana Grande, both rose to fame during their 3rd Dasha but they of course have multiple beneficial yogas in their charts and are going through a beneficial Dasha according to their respective charts. So they are the exception :)

If you haven’t you should check out more of his blogs on the website, he has some incredibly accurate and interesting astrological insights :)

[4urvalidation]

EASIER THAN LYING | Chapter One

| NEXT CHAPTER

A/N: Very ambitious (and borderline clinically insane) of me to begin a brand new fucking fanfic two days before I'm about to leave for a two week work trip.

Oh well... Let’s make fun of the girl who took a risk and put herself out there 🙄 That being said, full warning - this is a very OC centric chapter. It sets the scene for what's to come, so even though I know most of y'all would want to skip it because our problematic fave isn't the star, please don't. He is there, I promise! All you gotta do is squint a little harder.

I had a lot of fun writing this (even more so the following chapter that may and may not be coming out later tonight 👀) so please - let me know what y'all think! Your thoughts and comments mean a lot to me!

T/W: Brief mentions of murder as well as implied sexual activities. (idk how else to word that, take it as you will lmao)

TRUDY

The sun fades behind a cluster of cotton candy clouds, painting the sky and ocean a jarring shade of burnt orange that at second glance makes it seem as if the whole world’s on fire. And in some strange, poetic kind of way - it is. At least, that’s how mine feels at this very moment. 

Slightly exhausted, I press my back against the bench; ignoring the way its metal bars dig into my skin and take in the quiet. Aside from Charlie, me and a couple dozen other people, the ferry is practically empty. There are still two more weeks to go until the island is packed with loud, sloppy tourists; before the beaches are no longer a holy place and I set to leave. 

It’s strange. Five years ago the idea of leaving Kildare forever used to terrify me. I couldn’t imagine a life outside the island. I didn’t want to. Didn’t dare to. Everyone I knew and loved was there; stuck in a comfortable routine, never needing change, so who was I to think any differently? 

Beside me, Charlie shifts a little. His head is steadily resting on my shoulder. He’s been fast asleep ever since we boarded the ferry; his nerves calmed by the pill he took to contain his debilitating seasickness. Gently, I turn to look at him and he nuzzles even closer - his warm steady breath lodging in the crook of my neck and almost instantly, I relax. 

The touch of his hand; the quick slide of his fingers in between mine leaves a fluttering feeling in the pit of my belly. A feeling I once thought would be impossible to have with any person other than him. My gaze travels to Charlie again - his soft face, round cheeks and button nose. He looks young for his age; almost always passing for seventeen than his actual twenty-three. 

Twenty-three.

I suddenly realize I’m now the same age my mother was when she had me. Twenty-three and just a little over two years older than she was when she married my father. Just like Sarah is, except instead of a huge princess gown with puffy sleeves, her dress is sleeveless and in a nice shade of champagne white.

“Are we there yet?” Charlie says, his voice slurred and drowsy. 

I shake my head. “Twenty more minutes to go.” And he hums, burying his face even further inside the crook of my neck; his lips gently brushing against my skin and God - I am so in love with him. This isn’t new of course. I’ve felt this way about him long before I could finally admit it to myself, but the reminder is always nice. Especially in times like these when I have no other choice but to slowly return to the pit of despair I’ve spent so many years running away from. 

Minutes trickle by. 

The empty seat before Charlie and me has now been occupied by a man that looks a lot more like a teenage boy trying his hardest to pass for an adult. He is dressed in that same delicate and sophisticated way kids from my school used to dress whenever we’d go waste away at the country club or golf course. Clean shaven and doe eyed - he quickly notices my staring and almost immediately, shamelessly stares back. 

I try to hide my embarrassment behind a smile, but in reality my entire face has now been distorted into an uncomfortable grimace that probably makes the situation worse than it already is. I don’t know this person and he most definitely doesn’t know me and yet-

“First time traveling to the Outer Banks?” That’s how I know it’s his first time. A local would never refer to Outer Banks as the Outer Banks. Maybe on occasion, when they’re trying to prove a point or give the place a certain meaning, but never so easily or in this context. 

I look back at him, the smile now completely wiped away from my face and replaced with something stoic. Unreadable. “No. I used to live here.”

“Ah. A local then.”

“Yeah. Something like that.” I nod and turn away, hoping he’d get the hint. 

He doesn’t. 

“Maybe you can show me around.” I don’t like the way he says that. The way it’s devoid of a question mark. Not asking for a favor but demanding for one. It’s a little too eerie and too familiar for my liking. Not to mention just how much it reminds me of him. 

“I’m all booked.” I tilt my head towards Charlie, giving him a hint. He nods, but doesn’t look away. 

“I’m not asking you out.” His voice is flat. When my gaze meets his again, there’s a slight smile on his face. 

“Didn’t think you were.” 

“I’m Patrick. Hahn.” Patrick fullstop Hahn pulls his entire body towards mine only to sheepishly return to his seat when I refuse to shake his jittery, sweaty hand. “I take it you haven’t heard of me. I’m a true crime podcaster.” He announces with the sort of pride only doctors and engineers should have when telling others about what they do for a living. 

“Okay.”

“Currently I’m working on a piece about an unsolved murder that happened here around five years ago.” 

Time stops. So does my heart and with it the blood in my veins. I stare at him, slightly slack jawed and frozen. Beneath me, as able to feel all of it, Charlie stirs a little. Smacks his lips and falls back asleep. 

“Murder?” I hear myself say, but the voice that leaves my throat barely sounds like mine. 

“Yeah.” Patrick nods, his bright eyes alight with excitement. “That’s why I asked for the tour. Since you’re a local and all. Maybe you know something.” There it is again - a statement that so very clearly should be phrased as a question, but isn’t.  

I shake my head. 

“Her name was Susan Peterkin. She used to be the town’s sheriff. Ironic right?” A sardonic smile tugs on the corner of Patrick’s lips. His voice sounds different now - booming and borderline theatrical. Almost as if he’s reading off a script. “On July 29th 2020, Sheriff Peterkin’s body was fished out from the ocean by a clueless sailor. He was a tourist, taking his boat out after a nice long day of doing nothing. Fishing season was in full bloom and although he had never shown any interest in it before, his buddy did - hence the reason why they threw the net in the first place.” 

Why is he telling me this?

“But, what they thought would be the great catch of the day, instead turned out to be permanent trauma for his two tween daughters, as well as his wife and himself… of course. Before that, Susan Peterkin had been missing for three days. She was reported as such by her deputy, Victor Shoupe, after she failed to show up for work that day.”

What is his end goal?

“A coroner’s report states that Sheriff Peterkin died due to a gun wound. She was shot in the back by a 9mm. If the ambulance had been called on time, or simply just called for that matter, she would’ve been alive today. Probably even attend Ward Cameron’s daughter’s wedding.” 

That. 

“You know who I am.” 

“No. Not at first. But now… yeah. I do.”

My entire body stiffens and this time it’s enough to completely shake Charlie out of his deep slumber. He jolts - almost like actors do in movies when they’re pretending to wake from a nightmare. “Are we there yet?” He asks, dark hazel eyes marred with sleep and he looks at me so kindly, so lovingly, I almost forget about the threat at bay.

“Yeah. Let’s go.” I smile. 

He holds my hand as we leave; never asking about Patrick fullstop Hahn or the reason why I hold on to him a little bit tighter than usual. He knows how uneasy this place makes me feel the same way he knows just how little I like to talk about my feelings and opinions on things. Especially if said things  concern my own wellbeing. 

But at night - after we’ve made pleasantries with my parents and had dinner - he pulls me closer to him. His lips trace a path from my neck all the way down to my collar bone and I’m really not feeling it, but I also happen to be in a desperate need of a distraction, so… I let him. 

The bed is small, barely fitting one person, little alone two grown adults and I’m starting to wonder how on earth I ever did this with- “Rafe.” 

“What?” Charlie stops to look at me. I look back, face frozen in shock. “Did you say something?”

“Behave.” I breathe out, “You’re being loud. I don’t want my parents to hear.” His chuckle sends a pleasant kind of rumbling across my entire body, jolting my heart awake and filling it with hunger I haven’t felt in a while. Next time he thrusts inside me, I have to bite on his shoulder in order to keep myself quiet. Charlie’s never liked that, but for some reason he doesn’t complain.

The next morning he wakes with a large toothy bruise on his shoulder that he covers with a long sleeved T-shirt - the kind that looks like he’s stolen it from somebody and heads for his morning run. I decide to sleep in, but it doesn’t come easy. 

I can’t stop thinking about Patrick fullstop Hahn. 

“Hey, isn’t this the guy from the ferry?” Is the first thing Charlie says when he comes back. His question has me emerge from the en-suite bathroom almost instantly; body wrapped in a towel and an episode of Hahnestly, Who Killed Them on pause.  

My laptop, among plenty of my other things are strewn about the unmade bed, as Patrick fullstop Hahn’s face blares from the overly bright screen. “Yeah. He’s some true crime podcaster obsessed with unsolved crime.” I smirk, meeting Charlie’s gaze. There are tiny beads of sweat across his forehead, his long blonde hair haphazardly gathered in something that is supposed to resemble a ponytail but instead looks like a giant nest on the back of his head. 

“And you were listening to him?” He asks and I bite my lip, nodding. “Is he any good?”

“He… he’s fine… I guess.” T

The truth is Patrick is actually brilliant. Engaging and a lot more charming through a speaker than he is in real life and although I’ve never liked this type of exploitative media, I catch myself being strangely drawn to it. The way he empathizes with the victims, makes time to contact the family and ask for their approval on the matter…

I wonder if he did the same with Sheriff Peterkin’s family. 

“Says here he also has a supernatural podcast?” Charlie looks up from my laptop, the corners of his lips tugged into a sneer. 

I grin. “Oh, you mean The Hahnted Files?”

“Look at you. A fan already.”

“Hardly.” I chuckle. 

Charlie goes on about his day - showering and doing his best to tame that wild mane on his head while I press play and continue listening to Patrick fullstop Hahn’s podcast. He’s talking about a case I scrolled past while wasting away on Twitter a while back and I’m not paying much attention to it right now either, but for some strange reason I can’t bring myself to turn it off. 

“He’s doing an episode on Sheriff Peterkin’.” I exclaim to Charlie the second he’s in the bedroom. The bruise my teeth made on his shoulder looks jarring in the soft daylight. He stares at me. I swallow. “Someone… killed her five years ago and they never found out who did it.” 

“And this Patrick guy is what? Gonna try and solve it or something?” I shrug. Charlie sits beside me. “I don’t get it, Tru. Why is this bothering you? I mean - what do you have to do with Sheriff Patinkin’s murder?”

Everything.

| NEXT CHAPTER

[youremyheaven]

Outcaste Nakshatras: The Outsiders (part 3)

Here's part 1 and part 2

The more I study Mleccha nakshatra natives and the art they make, the more I understand how deeply lonely it is to have a Mleccha nak (Bharani, Ashlesha, Vishaka, Shravana) and I really feel for them. To live your whole life feeling misunderstood and othered is so difficult.

The movie Edward Scissorhands is a really good example of the "outcast" trope. The titular character is played by Johnny Depp who has Ashlesha Rising and his love interest is played by Winona Ryder who has Mercury (amatyakaraka) & Venus (atmakaraka) in Vishaka

I find Outcaste nak pairing very interesting because obviously you only feel like you belong/truly feel accepted in the presence of another Outcast.

Sidharth Malhotra, Vishaka Moon is married to Kiara Advani, who has Mercury & Venus (atmakaraka) in Ashlesha (if you have 2 or more planets in the same nak that energy is very concentrated even if its not your big 3)

they're both known for being pretty low-key people which is unusual in Bollywood lmao

Sid is an "outsider" which is what we call non-nepo actors in India. imagine the extent of nepotism in cinema in India that its the exception to be an "outsider"lmao. anyway Sid is pretty reserved and introverted and is known for not fitting in with the Bollywood crowd. Kiara is also kinda like that I guess but idk too much about her personality. They both seem happy together tho

Kareena Kapoor, Shravana Moon is married to Saif Ali Khan, Ashlesha Sun & Shravana Moon

Kareena's parents are famous actors who are separated (her dad was misogynistic and abusive and didn't want women to act) and even tho she's a nepo baby she didn't grow up with the same privileges as others in her famous family. Her elder sister had to drop out of school to support the family by acting as they were raised by a single mom and had fallen on bad times. You can see how the "outcast" themes were present in Kareena's life even though she's a very privileged nepo baby

Saif is also a nepo baby (welcome to bollywood lol) but he married a much older actress when he was 21 and had two kids. they later got divorced and Saif received a ton of bad press for alleged adultery, not getting custody or visitation rights of the kids, not paying child support (the amount was absurdly high tbh) etc he didn't fit in with the other actors of his generation. The media & public went crazy when news of Saif & Kareena getting married came out bc Saif is a divorcee with 2 kids (this stuff is still taboo in India unfortunately) and Kareena is one of the most successful stars of her generation. But they've been married for 10+ yrs and have 2 kids and are as happy as ever.

Even Kareena's longterm ex-boyfriend, Shahid Kapoor was a Mleccha caste nak guy (he has Vishaka Moon)

Expanding on the outcast tropes, Shahid's parents separated when he was young and he saw little of his biological father. He had to work very hard for very long to break into the industry and even now, he's not really given his due as an actor.

Alia Bhatt, Shravana Rising is married to Ranbir Kapoor, Shravana Moon

their marriage seems hella toxic to me ngl BUT they've both had similar childhoods.

Alia & Ranbir are both nepo babies (welcome to bollywood), Alia is like a tier 3 nepo (her father is a notoriously controversial filmmaker) whilst Ranbir is like a tier 1 nepo (he is a 4th generation actor from the biggest film family in India) however both their parents had unhappy marriages, and both of them had abusive fathers. trauma bonding, mayhaps? they're both also extremely close to their mothers as well (Moon dominant people often tend to be)

Its another example of Outcaste naks bonding over their shared experiences/feelings of being the outcast.

all members of Blackpink have an Outcaste nakshatra in their chart that is prominent in some way.

Jisoo- Shravana Moon, Venus in Vishaka (darakaraka), Ketu in Bharani

Rose- Venus conjunct Jupiter (debilitated) in Shravana

Jennie- Vishaka Moon, Mars in Shravana

Lisa- Jupiter in Shravana (debilitated), Swati Moon (Swati is a Shudra nak, which is the lowest caste so the themes are similar to that of outcaste naks)

This is interesting to me because BP is the biggest girl group of all time yet they are also probably disproportionately hated for things they cant even control. they were mismanaged by a shitty ass company with very few comebacks and barely got to display their true calibre as artists and their media interactions, promos, other activities etc were severely controlled and restricted. all of this is to say that despite being the most successful group their actual experiences are far from sunshine and roses. they were treated like outcasts by their company and the industry and fans. they trained for 4-6 years, enduring a brutal and toxic system, worked very hard with what they were given, with 0 creative liberty to come this far im glad theyre pursuing solo careers now and hope to see them thrive<333

the movie Lost in Translation is a good example of two outcasts/lonely people who find comfort in each other

Bill Murray is Shravana Moon and Scarlett Johansson is Vishaka Moon

Sridevi, Ashlesha Sun & Rising and Boney Kapoor, Vishaka Sun & Mercury

So they had a really fcked up marriage that I won't get into but they were both people who felt like outcasts in their lives. Sridevi grew up with a stepfather and was pushed into acting by her mother when she was 3-4 years old (she's like an Indian Judy Garland tbh) who deprived her of formal education and a normal life so that she'd be the family cash cow. Being South Indian, she also found it hard to fit in among Bollywood folks as she initially spoke neither Hindi nor English. Boney's the ugly duckling of his family and his younger brother is one of the most famous/iconic actors ever, he had to become a movie producer since his brothers became actors and his father (who was a movie producer) thought it would be better if he stayed behind the scenes. themes of exclusion and outcast-ness crop up in their lives and in the lives of all the people I mention here.

Lady Bird is a good example of a movie about a female teenage outcast. The titular character is played by Saoirse Ronan, who has Bharani Moon

Recently I came across the content creator, Alana Lintao who often makes shorts about social behaviour. This one in particular stood out to me because its literally about one person being excluded by a group of friends or being treated like "the other".

Alana plays the excluded friend in this short as well. She has Bharani Sun, Swati Moon and Mercury in Revati amatyakaraka (Swati & Revati are both Shudra naks)

Outcaste naks are vilified and crucified for mistakes others get away with.

Janet Jackson, Vishaka Rising & Ketu

Janet's career took a hit and her life took a tumultuous turn after the Superbowl incident. She did not deserve all the vitriol she received then especially considering how so many others get away with wayyy worse

Jennie, Vishaka Moon gets hated on for absolutely nothing

Lana Del Rey, Ashlesha Moon, Vishaka Rising (&stellium)

Lana does say dumb things from time to time but she gets soooo much unnecessary hate

I have noticed how Outcaste nakshatras often tend to have really difficult childhood experiences

Jeanette McCurdy- Ardra sun, Bharani Moon & Pushya Rising

Jeanette opens up about her abusive mother and terrible childhood in her memoir. I mention her other placements as well because I've noticed that both Ardra & Pushya natives also experience abuse in their early lives

Britney Spears, Shravana Moon

she has endured so much abuse from so many people including her family. i wish her peace.

Wheein, Vishaka Moon grew up with a single mother and later after she made her debut her estranged father tried to borrow money from people under her name?? there was a minor scandal about it many years ago. She also grew up quite lower middle class if not poor.

David Bowie, Shravana Rising

Bowie once said, "“It wasn’t a particularly happy childhood, my parents were cold emotionally. There weren’t many hugs. I always craved affection because of that.”

Cole & Dylan Sprouse, Ashlesha Sun

Speaking on the Call Her Daddy podcast, he explained that their mother's issues with mental health and addiction contributed to her being "financially the most irresponsible woman ever." He said that when their dad was given forced custody when the boys were 10, their mom had already spent everything they'd earned from their early acting jobs. Though their dad wanted them to be "normal kids," he ultimately decided that the boys' acting careers were a financial necessity.

Ariel Winter, Shravana Sun

Ariel Winter has spoken out about how acting wasn't her choice, but it was her mother's. Ariel shared that her mother, Crystal Workman, had dreams of being an actor herself. Ariel said that with Crystal as her stage mom, she dealt with a lot of abuse and exploitation.

Once Ariel's acting career began, she said her mom put her on a strict diet and neglected her education. Her mother also had her dress in outfits that sexualized her. Ariel claimed her mom put her in “the smallest miniskirts, sailor suits, low-cut things, the shortest dresses you’ve ever seen. People thought I was 24 when I was 12. If there was going to be a nude scene when I was that age, my mother would have a thousand percent said yes.”

Now Bollywood is an industry run by film dynasties, its very rare for someone from the outside to break in and make it big. Being an "Outsider" is very difficult, people bully you, try to sabotage your career, try to isolate you etc etc, needless to say its not for the faint of heart. So lets take a look at some of the most successful "Outsiders" in Bollywood who made it big without any family in the business

ofc we have to start with the most successful outsider of all time, Shahrukh Khan, Shravana Moon

he truly came from nothing (father died when he was a teenager, mother died before he made his debut, has a sister with special needs who he has taken care of his entire life) and became the biggest star in the world.

Akshay Kumar, Vishaka Moon, he was a martial artist, chef, waiter and worked numerous odd jobs before he started modelling in his late 20s and later started acting and today he has a net worth of $340 million

Anushka Sharma, Bharani Sun

her life is truly a case of being lucky af, she was a model and by the age of 19-20 she was cast in a film opposite Shahrukh Khan aka the biggest actor in the country produced by YRF, one of the biggest film production companies in India. its truly a fairy tale because neither can Anushka act nor is she gifted in any other way (bad dancer, heck she was even an awful model) but she's incredibly successful in every way and is now married to the (former) Captain of the Indian cricket team

Deepika Padukone, Shravana Rising

she is from a privileged background (her dad's a renowned badminton player) but she worked very very hard to get where she is today and has had more career longevity than just about any other actress.

Bipasha Basu & John Abraham, Bharani Moon

they were both a hot couple who were really popular in the 2000s

there are many other successful Outsiders but they don't have outcaste naks lol, these are the only ones i can think of rn :/

i hope this post was informative<33