#but it's sticky and I hate how it feels
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anyone else love their man hormones until they have to wax to feel more feminine/comfortable lol
#pcos#amethyst be rambling#I love being manly#but the side effects are annoying#I don't feel the pain#but it's sticky and I hate how it feels#my skin and pores have been doing a lot better#and they look good!#so yay for that!
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inhale, hold
#artists on tumblr#it's so hot here#i like summer for how light and beautiful it is#and the heat itself isn't the problem for me#it's the moisture#i hate being slightly sticky all the time#sweat is the real evil#it's also the main reason i hate exercise#being sweaty feels icky!!
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”oh you want to keep that? It’s so girly are you even trans?”
(Rant in tags if you wanna read it ig)
#Mom yelled at me bc I wanted to keep a dress that had memories attached to it#I hate dresses but look.#It has a stain on it where my friend who moved far away dropped some paint on it where my thigh would be#It has a loose string tied sloppily into a flower from a friend who had issues speaking her feelings and instead acted them#It has discoloured patches from my old friend who I haven’t been able to talk to in months hugging me and her bracelets rubbing against it#It has memories attached to it#Just like how my purple coat does#I always have a bag of mint tea in it because a while back somebody got me a huge pack of it during a secret Santa because they noticed -#- i had a stuffy nose during the winter due to allergy’s and often couldn’t breathe properly#I have thousand of sticky notes of a made up language somebody in my class made and wanted me to be in#Hell even my shoes show this sorts of stuff.#My converse that I wore for so long the laces tore? They’re covered in writing from my friend who’s a poet at heart#My big#chunky platforms? Filled with sparkles and dust from a party my friend had#For crying out loud soon I’m gonna be filling my room with Sanrio and feather stickers#Because everytime my ex gf sees me (we’re still friends btw) she always manages to put a sticker somewhere on me#MY SKETCHBOOKS TOO. Full of little doodles and hearts and paint splatters and everything you can think of.#My notebooks for writing? I forgot it a week i went off for surgery and I came back to it full of stories I liked and stores that had them-#For cheap because they knew my family wasn’t doing too well. And full of notes of them missing me#Seriously like I have a string on my wall full of notes from them because that’s been my pickmeup for whenever I’m not on here#It’s pathetic I know I just don’t care. I love them and I know they love me too. I hope they’re well
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ughh why do i have to have njghtmares about them
#in it i was fighting w him over text and then hetm gangsd uep on me#sorry uemin so tired#i have been having a hard time being labelled a quote unquote cheater when i very strongly feel like thats not what happened#and it bothers me knowing that they get to justify their side and avoid responsibility by calling me that#when again. we were literally broken up when i sent that text to the wrong chat#and to be even more fair to me it was the lightest thing of all time it was playful kissies and lovings#like all of this is so wack. like to be labelled that while doing something so small while we werent even together#the drawing stuff is literally normal . ive done that with my kther friends before i even met sable. you are ridiculous#like it just aggrivates me because thats such a sticky smear to put on somebody especially when thats not even what happened#its so overblown and i think thats on purpose to have one last thing to justify your side#and ignore the fact that he was not the best partner to me and stressed me tf out all the time#like how am i a cheater when i played by your rules the whole time we were together#because of how insecure you are. uou let your insecurity become your reality#and i realized how much more taken care of i was with angelo and how naturally we flow together#its so natural to talk to him he is what i have needed. i would be foolish not to pick prince charming#over someone who i felt only fed me stress and anxiety and worry about everything including potential addiction issues#knowing theyre bipolar. knowing they have bpd. participating in dangerous behavior all the time#i feel like calling me a cheater when thats not what fuckin happened is just to handwave away wtf you did wrong the entire time#if i actually cheated id have been slobbering on angels meat the whole time like im sorry#id have been doing spins on it and gagging on it every night but the thing is i didnt#i stayed loyal to you while with you and confided in them as friends while you continuously demanded time from me#that wasnt organic and it was forced half of the time . god i hated playing shit with your stupid ass#so fucking monotone always wanting to do the same shit no variety and always getting upset and throwing tantrums over the smallest things#n then when that behavior once again gets put on me and i get more fucking stressed yeah i turn to my other friends#that arent anything like the other friendgroup because they dont do shit about anything and dont really gaf about snything#except for their own problems#and i confide in the other group because they actually show that they care about me. they relieve stress for me like friends are supposed 2
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looking at the scar on my arm everyday feels like a reminder im never going to be ok, im never going to be human i ruined it after all the years i held myself back i finally severed the line i had at any chance of one day belonging
#ill never be able to roll up my sleeve i have to be extra on guard 24/7 i just make everything worse n worse n worse#i feel grosser everyday#i am more consumed by rot everyday#there will be nothing left#i cant sleep im just stuck laying here and Thinking#i feel like im filled with sticky gravel and nothing else#i am so deeply unclean no matter what i do ill never be clean#i will never have a place#i will never be safe#i can only hide i will never be able to exist like i yearn to#i wonder if i ever did have a chance#i never could even as a kid#even as a toddler i was always scared i was always miserable#i dont think i was meant 2 live#i keep thinking i can but its too much#im too tired#its too scary its too much energy#i dont know how#even if i got the job from that email id just get worse id just feel worse#i cant exist socially i dont know how#id just be a boring mute mess everyone hates and id feel awful n get worse like i always have#how i always end up isolating instead because i dont know how to exist#i dont know how to be a person#and it feels awful#it hurts#i have always just told myself if only i can get thin enough maybe ill be easier to deal with as a cope#maybe ill take up less space n be less of an annoyance to everyone#if i have nothing to offer maybe i can just. vanish#maybe people would like me#maybe i could belong
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had a really good pear today! also woke up nicely, so :3
#just me hi#i usually avoid eating pears cuz i really really hate getting sticky and all my pear-eating experiences are from like. being 7 yo hgbfhsv#but it was good :D#n yea woke up today and i've been cured!! was sick for a couple days (not badly but ouh not comfy i'll say lol) and i'm as grand as a grape#//oh i tried journaling a couple months ago btw - i think a couple months ago ? - and that did not work out for me no sir hghfhsv#you're telling me i need to interrupt what i'm doing ever so often to get around to saying that i'm feeling 3 inches off from how i was#earlier? and then i rate it ? the rating was fun but i dunno about the rest of that boss lhfhsgs#no more of that i guess! it was a bit boring too i'll say lolll#+ also they didn't send me a confirmation email so i am not going to bother going to their site again. hard rule: no confirm email no#traffic! i have no reason for this aside from the fact that if it gets hard to remember then how am i supposed to find stuff if i don't hav#it starred!! tsk tsk tsk!!#//ooo friend is chattin me#okay i shall return!! [spooky voice] proOoOobablyyYyYyYy !!#toodles :3
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it’s not fair that so much of my memory and cognitive function is tied up in something I cannot control or reasonably prevent
#blue chatter#EMDR therapy is genuinely helpful#but I’m starting to hate how much it impacts my ability to function afterwards#I don’t wanna feel like my consciousness is detaching from reality like a moist sticky note after every session#I don’t want to have gaps in my memory for hours afterward#it’s not fair that other people inflicted all these traumatic experiences onto me#and now I have to process them and suffer the consequences#I told my therapist today that I’m angry at myself for not being able to spin enough plates#that if I had just been more attentive and had more energy and worked on my homework like I should have#I wouldn’t have suffered nearly as much from the deep distrust and constant surveillance academically#and if I hadn’t been so easy to manipulate and groom#my parents wouldn’t have had a good reason to violate my privacy and read all my text messages and browser history#I’m angry that I never earned my right to privacy#and I’m angry at my brain now (even though I know it’s unfair)#why can’t I just process this like a normal person#why do I have to have all these new scary symptoms I’m not used to#why can’t I just get therapy and face my traumas and anxieties and get over it quickly#and I know that’s unfair. and I’d never say that to somebody else.#I just want this all to be over with. I want a life where I don’t just stop functioning once a week.#I hate having to write off the rest of the day after a session because nothing gets done#and my brain turns into goo and I feel floaty and spacey and strangely unable to move or think#it’s not usually like I can’t respond at all. or pay attention. it just takes so much effort. and my body and brain feel strangely heavy#and clumsy. like I’m walking in a mech suit or something.#I want my brain back.#but I know that getting it back means doing this work now#which sucks and I don’t like it. esp since I don’t know for sure that this will ever go away.#it’s scary to lose memories of important events and lose chunks of time and feel like I can’t trust my own version of events#how can I know if I’m being gaslit if I cant trust my memory already? it terrifies me that I’m so vulnerable#anyway. rant over. sorry y’all.
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I listened to TTPD all the way through on a long drive today (probably my 4th time) and I have a lot of thoughts about privacy and photography and safety. Not sure how to approach that topic on tumblr, if at all. But all of that to say, I feel a little bit ill thinking about the remaining vaults 🥴
#If anybody has advice or suggestions for how to respectfully handle that conversation on swiftie tumblr#Pls share!#I have been on tumblr since like 2011 (🤪) but only participating in swiftie tumblr since 2021#So I know there’s some sticky nuance to the boundaries between like… academic music/poetry interpretation and biography and gossip#And I want to throw violence prevention in there as an interpretive lens too#But I don’t want to be disrespectful#But I do think that she describes some situations (wether literal or metaphorical) that I want to talk about#And I’m not prepared to do that yet without really gathering my thoughts and citations first#Just wanted to put out feelers for any swiftie cultural norms I should be aware of…#C#would've could’ve Should’ve hours#Down bad#i can fix him (no really i can)#tsmwel#Mbobhft#bdilh#Fresh Out The Slammer#waolom#Icdiwabh#clara bow#the albatross#I hate it here#thank you aimee#i look in people's windows#the prophecy#cassandra#The bolter#the manuscript#(Good lord!!? It really feels relevant to soooo much of this work)
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Recent reports of this mysterious web-slinging vigilante have been sweeping in all around New York City, sabotaging Oscorp public buildings with bold and decisive messages in regards to their controversial pharmaceutical developments. Though admittedly admirable, J. Jean Jamison has a different approach to this mystery 'Weaver,' contrasting her colours with the thoughts of Vivi Parkhurst in this special co-columnist edition of The Daily Bugle...
I swear, I think I blacked out at the sight of @jupiterlandings spider-verse OC under the compulsion of 'CONCEPT ART' and now I have another three pages in my sketchbook filled and I'm putting 'Hopes and Dreams' from the Weaver playlist on loop.
#spiderverse#spider-verse#spidersona#jupiterlandings#itsv#atsv#artists on tumblr#chris rambles#my creations#i hated how the mask looked at first in that big sketch so hence sticky notes instead ¯\_(ツ)_/¯#i feel like we're getting somewhere but i don't think it's the whole picture yet - BUT SOMEDAY.#alsoifyoudon'tknowi'malsoopenforiconcommissionsifyawantkaythanksseeya#edit: I kinda liked the OG mask enough to cut the post-it note in half so hearye visual interest!
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Me: I ain't cleanin shit for my MIL this year she will literally make a tsunami of trash as soon as you clean something and no matter what anyone does it will look the same or worse the next day and-
Me 5 mins after sitting in her filthy house:
#the story of how i cleaned off all of the counter tops and table tops and swept and mopped and did 3 loads of dishes#and she filled up the sink AGAIN before we went to bed with more dirry dishes just thrown into the sink with foodstuff still in them 😐#tbh i do it bc i HATE HATE HATE the feeling of stepping on shit on the floor and touching sticky shit 😤#and i feel bad more my bil having to cook in a messy kitchen tom#EYE hate cooking in a messy kitchen and I FUCKING HATE DIRTY DISHES PILED UP HIGH IN THE SINK sjdhdhjsjsjsJSHSHS#two more days i can do this
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life hack: keep your aloe in the fridge and put it on with a metal spoon <3
#i hate how it feels bc it's so fucking sticky but it works so i just . avoid touching it myself lmfao#like my hands obviously not the sunburnskjghfjdhk#but keeping it in the fridge is a nobrainer either way bc. cold on hot burn you feel#but the spoon is a game changer i wont lie#rambling
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oh right one final note of the house pest saga.
I would like to emphasize that my family isn't currently having problems with spiders and roaches invading the house. Genuinely haven't seen a roach in the house in at least two months, and a spider... think last time I saw a spider large enough to be scary was like a year ago, maybe? Though I rarely see tiny ones, even.
My house isn't infested with anything. HOWEVER. The mosquitoes and house flies are getting real goddamn annoying and seem to have a knack of flying into the house whenever we open the door to let my dog out into the backyard. Even then, I'm not living in a mosquitoey haze as I type this out.
"Ani why are you clarifying this" I dunno just felt the need to.
#out of queue#ani rambles#house pest saga#that being said one of my favorite ways to kill flies is by waiting for them to get trapped between the blinds and the window and then just#BANG BANG BANG trying to smush em on the blinds#my mom hates it though because the blinds are white but yknow what I hate more? FUCKIN HOUSEFLIES#second favorite activity is trying to kill them by slinging around a dish rag#i feel like indiana jones crackin his whip at his enemies smackin it around on the counters#do I miss most of the time? yeah. all the more satisfying when you finally get the motherfuckers#also while im rambling in the tags two years back the house flies got REALLY BAD outside for no clear reason#so we put up one of those like. Sticky traps for flies outside. and it worked great!#until we accidentally caught a gulf fritillary on it#(pretend I know how to spell)#my mom saved it but she made a joke about me planting flowers to lure butterflies to a sticky tubed death and i felt bad#so we stopped using the sticky tubes#but those fuckin 'put thesebags up to trap flies' bags work fuckin wonders#they smell rank though
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a bitch is in need of attention (i’m bitch)
#emmy needs to wake up soon or i’ll DIE#ok sure she’s an hour behind me but she should wake up in the next hour so i can send her 482746273 pictures with hearts on them#also i am at work and the attention i get here is not wanted i want to leave the bakery today so badddddd#times going kinda fast tho i guess that’s good#i’m just like. bored whenever i don’t have customers and i literally don’t have the actual energy to do a bunch of things here bc i didn’t#feel good lastnight and i still feel a littttttleeeee weird and off so i’m like. not wanting to be here other than the fact we have gooooood#air conditioning here so i’m at least at a good temperature and not dying in the heat of my bedroom which is ATROCIOUSLY GROSS#it’s why i felt so sick yesterday i couldn’t cool off and i felt so nauseous and my head hurt and it was just a bad time#if anyone ever is thinking that maine summers aren’t bad and you should live here….no you shouldn’t bc the summers are the most humid thing#literally have had humidity from 80-99% since like. two weeks ago at least#it is disgusting !!!!!!! like how come it’s a decent temp (been in the 60s-80s lately) but the humidity just gets SO BAD you’d think it was#like 100 degrees outside!!!!! i hate it here in the summer!!!!!!!! i can handle heat i can’t handle humidity#like the air is just SO thick and sticky and wet and gross i can’t even explain to you how Awful it truly is#anyways i’m hoping it won’t be too bad by the time i get home (around 5?) and that it’ll cool down#pray for me guyssss
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Hey btw, here's a piece of life advice:
If you know what you'd have to do to solve a problem, but you just don't want to do it, your main problem isn't the problem itself. Your problem is figuring out how to get yourself to do the solution.
If your problem is not eating enough vegetables, the problem you should be solving is "how do I make vegetables stop being yucky". If your problem is not getting enough exercise, the problem you should be solving is "how do I make exercise stop sucking ass". You're not supposed to just be doing things that are awful and suck all the time forever, you're supposed to figure out how to make it stop being so awful all the time.
I used to hate wearing sunscreen because it's sticky and slimy and disgusting and it feels bad and it smells bad, so I neglected to wear it even if I needed to. Then I found one that isn't like that, and doesn't smell and feel gross. Problem solved.
There is no correct way to live that's just supposed to suck and feel bad all the time. You're allowed to figure out how to make it not suck so bad.
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fucking hell who knew making cookies was going to go so blehhhh
#context- I was making those ritz crackers with peanut butter in the middle covered in chocolate#I hate how shit feels on my hands- like peanut butter anything sticky chocolate etc#my hands were covered in chocolate and peanut butter by the end - sensory hell :[[#but at least I have some yummy cookies#istg if dad eats them all in one night I'll be so pissed-#val's little hellhole
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Noo don't irrevocably change…noo don't move on and transform!!! You will reconcile with your childhood friend at a crossroads neither of you is able to weather to truly meet one another anymore!! Can't u hear me???!
#and i still love you but i don't miss you anymore#everything is a lot#and we say we have to meet again#and you're back in town and ask me “how has life been” and i don't even know where to start#the menu card in the bar was soggy and my palm was sticky all night. i couldn't tell a thing.#that image of your nape in front of me...guiding me when we were kids as i wash my hands in the bathroom sink#i used to think i am nothing much at all..biking right behind you. i used to think life does not get better than basking in your shadow#and still...i feel like a kid when we see each other#but i hate that a little too#personal
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