#but it's important to remember that in the grand scheme
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this looks spooky but please guys i promise this is good news
in summary, caine's found a silly little way to briefly crash their headsets by overloading them... hes keeping up his end of the deal ! and its a tiny bit spooky.
anyway after the break is a short little fic going into more detail on that :P
No one really met up in the big room anymore. Mostly, since Caine had⌠since everything went wrong, everyone just hung around their rooms now, unless there was an adventure. Pomni hadnât been in the Circus very long in the grand scheme of things, but she didnât need to for it to be obvious why: the two people who had the energy to get that going, Jax and Ragatha, werenât up for it. Jax wasnât himself anymoreâin fact, it felt weird even calling the copy Caine made âJax.â That thing wasnât Jax, even if both had been NPCs all along. Everyone felt weird because of it, including Ragatha. She wasnât herself either, though luckily, not in the same way as him. Pomni didnât know what sheâd do if that was the case. No, this was something fixable. At least, something comfort-able. Ragatha had been there for her all the way so far. She had to try to repay that.
Teapots were an easy enough thing to model, but putting liquid inside had been a pain. Pomni had figured it out for Ragatha though. She balanced the tea trayâa pretty harsh burden with the teapot, two cups, and some flowers all togetherâwith one hand and knocked with the other. âRagatha? Itâs me.â
She was watching the doorknob, but it didnât turn. Her gaze flicked up to the face on the door, staring into Ragathaâs kind and easy smile. When did she last see Ragatha smile like that? Not at the corn maze, not at that stupid uncanny world sheâd made. Not since that disaster, which at the end of the day was Pomniâs own fault. Worry creased her mind. Maybe she didnât want to see her. That might make sense. ButâŚÂ
She knocked again. âRags? Are⌠I just want to make sure youâre feeling okay. I have tea!â
This time, the doorknob did turn. Pomniâs eyes flew up to meet Ragathaâs, which was being rubbed sleepily. âPomni! Sorry, I just slept in. Whatââ
All it took for everything to disappear was a blink. The hallway, the tray, the door, Ragatha and her voice, the checkerboard floor beneath Pomniâs feetâeverything was replaced in an instant with the luminous and flitting blue of the out-of-map space. Pomni screamed.
Another scream echoed hers. âPomni! You startled me.â
Whirling around, Caineâs blue and green eyeballs stared out at her from behind his white teeth. âW-wh- startled you?! You didnât even tell me you were bringing me here!â
âNevermind. I forgive you, my dear. We have more important things to talk about! And donât worry, itâs something designed especially to make you and the others very, very happy!�� The AI clasped his hands as he leaned in closer. âIâve made some significant progress on what we agreed on.â
Between the shock of the teleportation, the speed of Caineâs speech, and the general confusion, Pomni didnât know what the hell he was talking about. âWhat?â
Caine zapped a duo of chairs into existence. He was already sitting in one when they appeared. âYouâre going to want to sit down for this. Go on.â
Pomni groaned. âIâm fine standing. Floating. What?â
Caine crossed his legs at the knees. âWhen I made you my moderator, we agreed on two things: you would help me make things actually fun for everyone, and I would try to find you all an exit. Right?â
That wasnât exactly how Pomni remembered it. âRight, I guessâŚ?â
âWell, I have found that exit!â
Pomniâs eyes widened. âW-wait- really? Thereâs an exit?!â
âYes! An exit. Maybe not the exit, but a very, very brief little one! Still, itâs progress!â
âOh.â Pomniâs face fell. âSo⌠not a way out.â
Caine laughed his sharp, mechanical laugh. âNo no no. But it is a momentary exit created by overloading and crashing your client! You donât even fully leave the Circus, just glitch within it. No, getting you actually out would probably be impossible. Even for me!âÂ
Pomni blinked, fiddling with the button at her neck subconsciously. âYou⌠never mentioned that.â
âOh Pomni, thatâs because itâs only probably impossible. I am trying, donât you worry. We have an agreement, after all! Besides, Iâll do anything to keep my little hermit crabs happy.â Caine clasped his gloved hands together, the chairs whirling away into nothingness as he stood. âAh! Speaking of trying things, would you like to be the next test subject for this exit?â
âTest subjectâ was a real weighted thing to be, especially given the situation Pomni had already gotten into with the whole headset thing. Instinctively she flinched back. âU-um, is that safeâŚ?â Her eyes narrowed. âWait, next test subject?â
âWhy of course! I couldnât very well come up with something like this without testing it. The poor abstracted fellows in the basement worked perfectly for that. It even glitched them back to normal for a few seconds! Just a few seconds, though. Anyway,â Caine finally paused in his ramblings, reaching a finger out towards Pomniâs face. âMay I?â
Pomni stared at the finger in her face, so close it was making her go cross-eyed and see it doubleâonce from one side, once from the other. On one side was fear, fear of what it would do to her to have this existence crash in on her brain so hard it would shock her out of it for just a couple seconds. On the other, the hope of what such a thing could mean, what such a thing could become. Was it really even a choice? When one could be death and the other could lead to freedom for everyoneâherself, Ragatha, all the othersâone side clearly outweighed the risks of the other. She didnât even speak. She just gave a small nod.
âBoop!â Caineâs finger rested upon the spot where a nose should be on Pomniâs face. Pomni didnât feel it. She didnât see it either. She saw a thousand 3D-modelled cages spinning at once, copying one after the other like a bouncing string of error messages. She heard a barrage of every noise anything in the Circus had ever made: dings, crashes, alerts, metal grinding, glass breaking, bells jingling or clanging, all the tracks of a keyboard drum kit, brakes screeching, pianos, birds, voices. She felt a pounding reverberating through her entire body, from her appendages into her limbs through her neck into her skull and back outward. And then it was blue. And then it was black. There was no sound anymoreâat least, not until she realized she could hear breathing. Her own breathing.Â
But then something faded into the blackness: âC&A.â And within a second, she was back in.
Caine was looking at Pomni inquisitively, but she didnât really see him. Pomni was hearing her own breathing againâbut simulated now. It felt impossible to focus on anything she was seeing, hearing, or feeling besides that for the moment.
âWell?â Caine prompted. âHow was that?â
The AI before Pomni came into focus. âI⌠itâŚâ
âSpeechless! Wonderful. Iâll keep working on it. Oh, but please keep it a secret for the time being. This is top secret moderator business, and itâs definitely a work in progress! Best not to ruin the surprise. Great chat! Now, back to work!â
Pomni fell as she teleported back to where sheâd been, collapsing out of the floating state sheâd been in onto Ragathaâs door and to the checkerboard beneath. The impact was loud, so it wasnât unexpected that Ragatha came out to see what had happened. âOh my gosh, Pomni!â By the time Pomni turned to look at her, she was kneeling beside her. âWhat happened? I mean, you were just here then- did Caine do something to you? Are you okay?â
âIâm fine.â
Ragatha stared hard, worried, into Pomniâs eyes. âWell⌠what happened, then?â
Pomni looked down. âNothing. Donât worry.â
#art#au#tadc#the amazing digital circus#tadc au#pomni#pomoderator#caine#ragatha#ragapom#THE RAGAPOM IS AFTER THE BREAK OK.
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girblg tim e
#hi Iâm gay#thinkin abt how like#no matter how this ultimately ends up#Iâm gonna remember this as one of those sweet times in my life that I always think about fondly#thatâs how I feel about Accountant and Mannassass Girl (the og not luci)#not much in the grand scheme of things but important moments that live in my head forever
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I remember being in school one day and hearing that the meaning of the âpseudoâ part in words like âpseudonymâ meant pretend or fake and to my kid brain I felt like I had just made a genius realisation that the sudo in sudowoodo was also from pseudo and that it actually meant fake tree
sat there at my desk while my little mind was being blown xD
#I have a sudowoodo in Pokemon sleep and every time I see it I remember xD#went home to explain my revelation to my parents and they just sort of nodded like ok xD#being a kid was great bc youâd have big thoughts that you thought were groundbreaking and incredible but in the grand scheme of things they#werenât but on a personal scale they were cos they were things your little brain had put together so they were important to you#I love sudowoodo like unironically. The whole thing of it blocking the path#and then you water it and get a chance to catch it. Little me loved that shit. Still do tbh I wanna play gen 2 again
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Man I put on shuffle for eiteth brain and got yarrow angst instead. Hewwo??
#um. itâs the dying for something pointless in the grand scheme of things but soso important to her. and itâs the being technically able to#reach the world of everything shes ever known. being so very close to it. but being unwelcome. itâs the watching the people you love grow up#in snippets here and there and getting little more than moments. and itâs the certainty sheâs only a problem so why not lean into it. at#least that way people know what theyâre in for. and itâs the way she holds onto peipre so so tight that sheâs scared to actually open up to#her for fear of losing her. and itâs the way that she falls apart in the morning and then gathers herself back together as she braids her#hair for work in the evening. and itâs her leaning into the gossip because itâs easier to deal in other peoples lives than her own. and-#character rambles#Khalia yarrow#Iâm also thinking abt. her sawing her horns off. both an act of freeing herself from something thatâs limited her all her life. and shedding#the image of who she was when she was removed from the caverns. and itâs the way theyâve atrophied just a bit at the ends so thereâs a bit#of a concave in the very ends. itâs the way sheâs so afraid of that getting worse and something snapping because she remembers the pain of#it. still has it sometimes. the way sheâll burrow her face in between peipreâs shoulder blades sometimes just enough for there to be a touch#of pressure on her horns. more even than sheâs able to find otherwise.#lays on the floor. Iâve got feelings abt that lady
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tbh when i was a Teen i was in an irl city-wide GSA type of group and they were super toxic. like i'm a bisexual cis girl who's pretty masculine and they made me use they/them pronouns because it "was obvious i'm nb" when it was not my identity like i was just not feminine enough to be seen as a woman? idk like mid 2010s queer culture was weird and imo some circles were pretty toxic. you'd be "cancelled" for innocent things like saying you liked chick fil a when you were a kid but you don't eat there anymore
thanks for the input ? sorry idk what this is in response to lol i came out for the first time in 2016 i think and like obviously some queer ppl are toxic just like some people from every group but my queer family, community, and history is really important to me. sorry that happened to you though that really sucks
#also i still have no idea what chick fil Ă is besides homophobic i donât think we have it here lol#itâs just like i was so scared for so long that i was the only one ? so itâs really important to me to be in community with other people who#show me iâm not the only one and itâs important to me that iâm in a place where i can be visibly queer for the kids around me who might be#feeling that deep fear of being the only one that i remember from when i was their age. i know iâm only like almost 19 so pretty young in th#grand scheme of things but to a 13 yr old iâm basically an adult#eyes rambles#asks#anon
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god could you imagine if people focused on the actual golden boy getting like twice as much content as his fellow companions rather than like 2 new lines for one bad guy to make one scene feel more in line with the one other scene with said bad guy
#ramblings#not maintagging or saying His name but like#christ man. with everything that guy got for the past several patches. when he already had the most to begin with#like could we maybe focus on the disparity between uh. idk. the companions themselves#youre COMPLETELY correct that wyll deserves better than what he has but i feel like some people are barking up the wrong tree here fellas#d urge getting special lines in this scenario is completely understandable considering the coronation scene.#one companion getting a fuckton of special scenes when hes no more important to the main plot as the others is the problem. imo#especially when one other companion gets so fucking little.#(<- ESPECIALLY when you remember one of these characters is black. and its the neglected one.)#and im not saying this to be like. some kinda apologist for The Freak or anything. i think hes entertaining#but im not going into the whole fiction vs reality thing here. im tired#i personally like The Freak and the new lines. theyre not any more romantic than we already had.#the d urge fuckimg sucked as a person pre canon too or did we forget the whole 'crafted specifically to bring the world into ruin' part#saw some people in the main tag saying how dare we get more content talking about how they liked each other he shouldnt get that#and yeah. objectively. the freak is a horrible dude. but i promise you that the d urge probably condoned that shit and also did worse#did you forget. that the d urge is like. an origin. just like the other origin characters#sure their backstory is vaguer than the others but theyre nonetheless a preestablished character. your d urge is not exempt from Horrors#your d urge probably ate babies and definitely fucked corpses. sorry#so sorry for complaining ive just been frustrated with the golden boy the entire week#i like him i do but in the. grand scheme of things hes midtier. to me#there are so many parts of the game especially in act 3 where i was like hey. why isnt [companion] reacting this feels relevant to them#they got the narrator who was probably already around anyway to record 2 more lines i PROMISE freak nation isnt ur enemy rn#anyway im clambering back into my hole (discord) to complain (to an audience that im not deeply terrified of)#ignore this im just so tired rn <3
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Am I like... completely misremembering the phase 1 IDW lore before the phase 2 and 3 retcons? Do I need to reread?
#im sorry was deadlock a big deal??#i really dont think he was in the grand scheme of things#he was a symbol. he was important enough#he definitely served a purpose in the propaganda machine of early megatron-lead decepticons#but as an individual im pretty sure deadlock was small-time not really a big name and not important as anything beyond an idea#he was second in command for turnoil. who was barely relevant to IDW#he was a small time hitman with a decent enough reputation to make him into an example#but small potatos enough that he is obviously just another soldier#not actually that powerful#not actually that formidable#just a cog in the machine who's tragic and scary enough to be a good example one time#he was a poseterboy for five minutes at a ralley early in the war then he was trained as a soldier#idk i just dont remember him being a huge deal#and if he was i think the story is worse for it lmao
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building blocks | yjh
(agreeing to be the teaching assistant is the last thing you want in a semester where you're already swamped with work. but, you need a letter of recommendation from the professor and you're out of other options. enter jeonghan, the menace who signs up for the class seemingly on a whim and disrupts your entire routine.)
pairing: master's student!jeonghan x TA!f!reader genre: university!au, strangers to loveres | fluff, minor angst, attempt at humor, smut rating: explicit, minors DNI word count: 19.7k (idk what to say atp) warnings: mentions of eating and drinking, jeonghan briefly drives a motorcycle, they're both engineering students but i don't claim to know engineering, the angst is minor because there's some miscommunication smut warnings: lots of kissing, hand job, fingering, slight voyeurism? (jeonghan watches reader finger herself), kind of loser!jeonghan, missionary sex, nothing really crazy all things considered
a/n: this is for the TA collab hosted by the amazing @camandemstudios. those two have been working so hard on this and i can't wait to read all the fics. but go easy on me because i know next to nothing about structural engineering. credit to @caelesjjk for this banner, it's so amazing 𼰠also thank you to everyone that helped me brainstorm along the way @ugh-yoongi @haologram @highvern and of course to @wqnwoos for letting me borrow her name.
note 2: this isnât proofread. i had something come up irl and wanted to get it posted, so iâm sorry for any errors! iâll come back to it next week when i have a minute.
(tag list at the end)
Your entire academic (and professional, for that matter) career has been a battle. A fight to be taken seriously. A fight to get the right classes. A fight to make the right connections. A fight for every inch that youâve gotten. There are times that you wonder if itâs all worth it, wonder if anything should be as hard as this. But, all youâve ever wanted was to be an engineer. To be able to leave your mark in some sort of meaningful way, even if thatâs also a little conceited. Itâs all you want and youâre so close to getting some much needed room to breathe.Â
ExceptâŚ
You have to make it through one last semester of this damn Masterâs program. You managed to find a sponsor to allow you to commit to a final semester full time, with only part time research work. Thatâll put you in a good position to carry on for your PhD, with your dissertation topic already picked and funded. Things had been going entirely too smoothly, in hindsight. You should have known. Everything about your application to the upcoming program is perfect. Except for the final recommendation. And, of course, the professor to give that recommendation wonât just give it to you to recognize the years youâve put into this. No. He implies that thereâs something he needs from you.
Nothing really awful, in the grand scheme of things. Not for someone that does want to return as a lecturer at some point down the road. Itâs just that you didnât really want to be forced into a teaching assistant position for Professor Choiâs introductory structural engineering course. Itâs the course that weeds out whoâs actually going to carry on with the civil engineering branch of the Masterâs program from those who may switch out to something that better suits them. Which, again, isnât a huge deal, except that you remember how burnt out the TA looked from when you took the course and itâs the last thing you need during your final semester. Itâs hard to know that some portion of your future hinges on doing this. Itâs also hard to forget another friend of yours admitting Professor Choi had given him a recommendation without the hoops.
Whatever.
What doesnât kill you makes you stronger and all that.Â
So you schedule your regular meetings with the professor, make a separate email folder for all course related communication, jot down the important dates, and figure out which lessons you have to help plan. First up is going to be the introductory class. Professor Choi comes in and introduces himself while you distribute the syllabus, an odd task when everything is available online through the portal, but he likes things in hard copy. Once heâs done his introduction, he leaves the rest of the first class to you, as he had with the TA in your course during your first semester. For a moment, you consider pointing out that this is a Masterâs level course and you donât really need to do the typical introductions. Most of these people have busy lives and, even though theyâll have to work together on projects, can manage without syllabus week. But, Choi is old school and you know it. You also need his letter, so whatâs the point in trying to change his system? Youâre not here to do anything other than fill a spot that he was having trouble filling, get your letter, and go.Â
When you scan the roster before the first day, nobody particularly sticks out. There are a couple of relatively familiar names, though youâre not sure you can place faces to them, but most of the students seem to be in their first semester of the program. It only takes getting to the introductions for someone in the course to stick out, though.
âWell, Iâve always been good at building Legos. I figure, how different can it really be?â one student answers.
It takes everything in you to school your face back into a politely interested expression when the rest of the class bursts out laughing. Your initial reaction had been incredulity. Surely he couldnât be serious. Thereâs no way someone just wandered into this program because he liked building Legos. The laughter from the rest of the class dies down and you keep your attention on him.
âWhy did you really join the program?â you ask. Thatâs what every student was supposed to be sharing. A problem for this student, apparently.
âThat is why I joined,â he says with an infuriating smirk.Â
âWhat did you say your name was?â you ask.
âJeonghan,â he answers without anything else.
You consult the roster in front of you and put a star by his name. This is someone you know you���re going to have to keep an eye on.Â
âDid I get a star already?â he prompts, earning another few chuckles from his classmates.
âSomething like that,â you say and then turn to the person next to him. âAnd why did you join?â
Nothing else grabs your attention during the remainder of the introductions. Several students volunteer what theyâre hoping to get out of the program. One brave student says sheâs heard that Professor Choi is tough before asking for your opinion. Although you give a neutral answer, you make a note to speak to her privately to address her (very valid) concerns.Â
When it comes time for you to return to speaking about the rest of the semester, you expect Jeonghan to interrupt in some way. He gives the impression of someone that likes causing a little bit of chaos or bringing attention to himself. Instead, he simply listens, notes something down occasionally, and gazes at you so intently that you nearly feel yourself flush. It would be a lot easier to ignore him if he didnât look like some kind of model, though. You catch yourself looking at him more than once when other students are sharing answers. His nearly black hair falls in longer layers around his face, not quite reaching his collar in the back. Thereâs something almost delicate about his nose, about all of his face, really. His features are soft in a sort of beautiful way. Itâs only when he catches you looking that you shake any consideration of his features from your mind.Â
Once thereâs only a few minutes left, you dismiss the class with a reminder that your email is beneath Professor Choiâs on the syllabus and youâre always around to help them. This class, you share, can be daunting and youâre here to help them get through it in one piece. That part comes out genuine because you do mean it. None of these students are to blame for the position youâre in. Itâs not their fault that they have a TA that doesnât really want to be in the position. So, youâre not going to make them suffer. Youâre going to help them just as the TA for your class helped you. You make a note to reach out to him and ask for some advice.
Jeonghanâs eyes linger on you as the other students get out of their seats and begin talking, mostly about what theyâre most excited for in the coming semester. You have to break first and look down to collect some papers from the desk. It also helps to remind yourself this is the same student who said he joined the class because he likes Legos. Ridiculous. When you look back up at the class, youâre half expecting to see his attention is still on you. Itâs not. Heâs joined a few classmates and is leaving the room without a backward glance.Â
Legos, you remind yourself, and return to gathering your things.Â
The one good thing about all this is that itâs an evening course, designed for people that have to work during the day. When the class is over, you get to go straight home to eat dinner and meld into the couch with your roommate, who also happens to be your best friend.Â
You: iâm tired, want me to pick up food on the way home?
Bestie boo: i already called in an order from that one place you like so you can pick it up on the way homeÂ
You: wow who are you and what have you done with my best friend?
Bestie boo: i didnât pay for it
You let out a snort because thatâs exactly the friend you know and love. He has to cover up ordering your favorite food from your favorite restaurant, which is sweet, by reminding you heâs still a giant pain in the ass. The gesture is enough for you to ignore it and just let him have this win. Maybe youâre off your game, but youâre a little tired.
âYou should watch where youâre going.âÂ
The comment nearly makes you jump out of your skin. Sure, you scare easily as it is. But itâs worse when the voice comes out of seemingly nowhere. Of course itâs Jeonghan from your class, leaning against the wall just outside the building. His eyes glint at your reaction, like heâs enjoying it. Maybe he is. A second later, he pushes off from the wall to come closer.Â
âAnd you shouldnât scare people like that,â you retort when your heart slows a bit. Heâs looking at you conspiratorially. âDid you have a question from the class?âÂ
âNo,â he answers easily.Â
âSoâŚâ you start.Â
âDo you memorize the faces of all your students so quickly?â he wonders, continuing when you give him an odd look. âOr am I special?âÂ
âYou made an impression,â you say neutrally.
âA positive one?â he presses.
âI didnât say that,â you counter.
âBut, still, you remembered me. Unless you learn all your students' faces before class as TA duties,â he says.
You sigh and decide to give him a partial truth, one thatâs less likely to bite you than admitting his face is one of the only ones you remember. âI havenât been a TA before so I donât have a manual for how Iâm going to approach it.âÂ
âHappy I get to be your first, then,â he says and turns to walk away. He turns back over his shoulder with a wicked smile and calls, âsee you next class!âÂ
Your mind is preoccupied all the way to the restaurant to pick up the food and all the way back to your apartment. Itâs only been one day of class and you can already feel that this student is going to be a menace. Worse than that, he seems like he knows heâs getting under your skin and wants to press it even further. Realistically, you just have to get through any of the classes that you lead. Otherwise, heâll be the professorâs issue.Â
Seungkwan is waiting on the couch, aimlessly scrolling on his phone when you walk into the living room, takeout containers in hand. Itâs relatively familiar, though you know that he also likes to be out whenever he can. A perpetual social butterfly.Â
âToday was already fucking annoying,â you moan when you set the boxes down and flop onto the couch.
Seungkwan gives you a sympathetic look. âAt least youâre one step closer to getting what you need from that idiot.â
Youâre confused for a moment because you hadnât been thinking of Professor Choi at all. âOh, yeah, no. I wasnât talking about Choi.âÂ
âWhat was the issue then?â Seungkwan asks as he leans forward to get his food.
âThereâs this guy in the class and I donât know. I canât figure him out,â you offer. âHeâs so annoying. Like who signs up for a structural engineering class just because he likes building Legos? And that smirk. Ugh. I hate him.â
âSure sounds like it,â Seungkwan quips.Â
âFuck off, I do,â you double down.Â
âWhatâs he look like? Is he cute?â he wonders.
âDoes it matter?â you ask.
âNo. You answered anyway,â Seungkwan says with a grin.
âFine, yes he is attractive because for some reason Iâve been cursed. Why do all you annoying people in my life also have to be hot?â you whine, casting a look at your roommate.
âDid you just call me hot?â he barks through a laugh.Â
âFuck off, just pick a show. Itâs your turn,â you say with a push on his arm.Â
You make it through the first few classes as a TA without much to report. Jeonghan tries your patience, but thereâs not much he can do during the class and he doesnât linger afterwards. Thatâs usually when Professor Choi wants to debrief on the course material and make sure the next class is ready. The class is also just starting to get into the real material and away from the foundational information.Â
But, now the course is well and truly underway, which means you have to announce that youâll be starting to hold your own office hours every week. Of course, Choi also has office hours and students could take advantage of those. Probably would, if not for the fact that he encourages the class to go to you first to try and resolve anything. Something about how heâs very busy and thatâs why he has a TA. Itâs exhausting and just another obstacle in getting what you need.Â
After getting feedback from the class, you decide to set two different times for office hours, one during the late afternoon and one during the early evening to accommodate schedules. A few students show up right at the start of your first office hours session with similar concerns. So, you invite them in and start to work through a few practice problems to illustrate the point that theyâre struggling to understand. Itâs actually surprisingly easy to work in this way. You would never admit it to Professor Choi, but itâs actually kind of enjoyable. Thereâs value in helping someone understand a difficult concept. Itâs also really rewarding to watch the comprehension dawn on the faces around you as each of them seems to grasp what youâre saying.Â
Honestly, you canât imagine your first office hours going any better when youâre already an hour into it and youâve been working with the same three students. Of course, just as theyâre gathering their things to head out, feeling more confident than when they showed up, Jeonghan appears in the doorway. He doesnât even say anything at first, just looks around at the other students. They seem oblivious to whatâs happening around them.
âThanks again,â one student says as heâs standing up.
Another student catches sight of Jeonghan and she smiles. âOh, sorry Jeonghan. We didnât know you were having trouble with any of the concepts or we would have asked you to join us.âÂ
âThatâs fine,â he says easily. âI was busy until just now anyway.âÂ
âDo you all feel confident with the topics? Or would you like to stay and go over something now that Jeonghan is here?â you ask, trying not to appear hopeful. (And failing at that pretty miserably.)
âOh no, weâre definitely set. And we had plans,â the first student says with a look over at Jeonghan.
The three of them exchange goodbyes with Jeonghan and head out, allowing Jeonghan to close the door behind them before plopping into a seat at the table in your office. Heâs directly across from you, which makes it hard to avoid his eyes. When you do meet his eye, though, heâs got a sneaky, all-knowing look on his face. You donât like the loot of it one bit.
âWhatâs with the look?â you ask.
âWhat do you mean?â he retorts quickly.
âYouâre making a face,â you say.
âAre you saying you donât like my face?â Jeonghan asks, pretending to be offended.Â
âWhy are you here, Jeonghan?â you ask to switch tactics.Â
âThese are your office hours. Iâm here to ask questions about the material,â he says.Â
âYou donât need any help with the material so far. Iâve graded your problem sets and the answers have been perfect,â you admit.Â
âImpressive, isnât it?â he muses.Â
âIâm not answering that. It brings me back to my question, though. If you donât need help, why are you here?â you press.
âWhy does it seem like you donât like me?â he asks.
âI donât have any feelings about you either way,â you deflect.
âNow, thatâs not true,â he disagrees.Â
âYouâre determined to get under my skin,â you say, half as a joke.Â
âDetermined to figure you out,â he corrects. âIt doesnât seem like youâre all that excited about being a TA.â
âThatâs because I was forced into it,â you blurt out and immediately clap a hand over your mouth. Thatâs the last thing you meant to say. âI didnât meanâŚâ
âNow weâre getting somewhere in this relationship,â he says, sitting back into his seat with a satisfied smile.Â
You heave another heavy sigh, a common occurrence around this man. âWhy are you so determined to figure me out? Why do you care how I feel about you?â
âBecause everyone seems to like me right off the bat,â he says.Â
âI can see why,â you deadpan.Â
âSo can I stay? Or do you have very important things to do?â he asks.
âItâs my office hours, so Iâm here to help students until the two hours are up,â you admit.
âPerfect.â
The next few times that you hold office hours feature Jeonghan showing up for the second half. It seems deliberate that he doesnât show up right when they start, especially because you always have at least one other student in your office. If thereâs another student there, he joins in to ask questions along with whoever else is there. When itâs just him, his questions are much more personal. Itâs obvious that he wants to know you. Know your likes and dislikes, know the things that make you tick, know who you are when youâre not at school. Seems very convinced that the version of you outside the walls of the engineering building is very different from the one he sees. Jeonghan doesnât seem to realize that heâs slowly getting more and more of a peek into who you really are. Thankfully, he doesnât bring up your slip about being forced into being a TA.Â
It doesnât make it any easier to be around him.
It should. You should be able to get used to his particular brand of torture. Yet, with each new piece of information you learn, you unlock even more questions. Itâs like you canât ever really figure him out. Or maybe that he doesnât want you to. Heâs very careful to give vague answers about the serious things, while he goes on and on about the things that donât matter. Heâll spend a solid five minutes talking about the latest Lego heâs building, but then breeze past the few questions you ask about him personally. It usually includes some sort of quip about how heâs wearing you down and how you clearly want to know him better.Â
âBet you thought you were escaping me today,â a voice says, startling you out of your thoughts.Â
âJesus Christ,â you gasp. Your heart beats a mile a minute as you look up to glare at the intruder.Â
âNo, Yoon Jeonghan. I can see the confusion, though,â he says and you sigh heavily.Â
âOffice hours are almost over,â you point out.Â
âNot for 20 more minutes,â he counters.Â
âRight, but I was in the middle of grading something,â you say, indicating the design plans in front of you. He glances over at them.
âHm,â he says.
âWhat, Jeonghan?â you ask with exasperation.
âJust doesnât look like mine is all,â he says and plops into the chair across from you.
âWell obviously,â you say. âCanât exactly grade your project with you sitting here.âÂ
For some reason, that makes him break out into a wicked grin. âSo you arenât grading my assignment because you were hoping Iâd show up.âÂ
Ah, yes. Now you see your mistake. Should have definitely seen that coming, too. âYouâve come to every other session. I wasnât hoping youâd show up again, but it was a fair assumption that you might.âÂ
âWhatever you need to tell yourself,â he says placatingly. âDâyou have a question?â you ask. The tension headache you associate with Jeonghanâs presence in your life is threatening to make an appearance.Â
âNope,â he says, popping the last syllable.Â
A notification on your phone stops you from responding to him and you unlock it immediately. It seems that Professor Choi needs to give you a stack of assignments and instead of just walking a few doors down the hall, he had to send a message. You drop your phone back on the desk with the message still open and take a calming breath.Â
âEverything good?â Jeonghan asks with more care than youâre used to.
âYeah, Iâll be right back. Have to go pick something up from Professor Choiâs office,â you say, already on your feet and heading towards the door.Â
It only takes a minute or two for you to go and come back. For once, youâre thankful for Jeonghan because it gives you the ready-made excuse that youâre just wrapping up office hours with a student waiting for you to return. He doesnât need to know that student hasnât ever asked you a class related question without another student present. Youâll take the wins where you can get them. The pain in ass in question is still sitting exactly where he was when you left him.Â
He looks up at you as you walk back in, set the folders on the corner of your desk, and sit back down. âYou really hate Professor Choi.âÂ
âI didnât say that,â you counter quickly. Probably too quickly.Â
âYou didnât have to. Sometimes you have a really expressive face,â he comments and looks back down at his phone.Â
âOnly sometimes?â you wonder. Jeonghan looks back up to regard you.
âItâs always expressive, but you work a little harder to control it in class than you do outside of it,â he decides. âYou mentioned something about being forced into this. Why be a TA if you hate it?âÂ
âI donât actually hate being a TA,â you clarify. He seems to accept this at face value. âItâs justâŚI didnâtâŚno. Why am I doing this with you?â
âBecause Iâm asking?â he offers.Â
âI had never considered being a TA. I wasnât opposed to it, I just hadnât really fit it into my schedule. It has been a lot of fun, though,â you say. Itâs the first time youâve noticed how much attention Jeonghan gives you. The way his eyes are on you and it seems like he tunes out any other distractions.Â
âHow did you end up here, then?â he asks. Any teasing or lightness is gone from his tone.Â
âPlease donât make me regret giving you the honest answer,â you say warily. âBut, Iâm applying for my PhD program. I have everything that I needâŚexcept for a final letter of recommendation.â
âOh, youâre joking,â he says and actually does look offended on your behalf. âHeâs making you TA for him in exchange for the letter? Thatâs why you said you were forced into it?â
âYup,â you respond, popping the end of the word like he had done earlier..Â
âWell, thatâs definitely shitty but Iâm still counting myself lucky that you ended up with this class,â he says.
âI canât figure you out,â you admit.Â
âI know.âÂ
That should be annoying, the way he says that he knows you canât figure him out. Itâs like heâs not even trying to hide that heâs making it difficult to get to know him. Yet, heâs not making it a secret that he wants to get to know you better. Thereâs just something about him that prompts you to share things you wouldnât with anyone else. No, thatâs dramatic. Itâs just easier to share with him than it usually is with someone else that you barely know.Â
Despite asking again if Jeonghan has any questions, he insists that heâs fine with just sitting there to keep you company while you have to wait to see if any student comes by in the last minutes of your office hours. For a change, he doesnât ask any personal questions. Doesnât try to press you into admitting things that you usually wouldnât. He just takes out his laptop to make it look like youâre actually helping him in the event that anyone checks in on you.Â
Nobody does. The last few minutes pass quickly with you returning to grading the assignment you had been working on. The two of you gather up your things in relative silence and Jeonghan walks with you out to your car so that you can head home. Youâre expecting something else or something different, but thatâs all there is. Just a walk to your car, a smile with a goodbye, and him heading off in another direction. Itâs somehow the strangest and most normal interaction youâve had with him. It makes you pause to wonder if this is the real version of him. A little quiet, a little reserved. Not being a menace to anything and anyone in his path.
Itâs not until youâre back home, sitting on the couch with a glass of wine while watching some variety show with Seungkwan that you realize it wasnât quite the normal interaction you thought it was.Â
Jeonghan: i appreciated you telling me the truth about the class today
The message lights up your screen and all you can do is stare at it without being able to believe it. How are you getting a message from Jeonghan with his contact information saved? Youâre racking your brain trying to figure out if you gave him your number, or saved his, and just didnât remember.Â
âWhatâs with your face?â Seungkwan asks.
âWow, that was nice,â you retort.
He looks over at your phone where the notification still shows a message from Jeonghan. âFinally gave him your number, huh?â
âNo, I -â you start when another message comes in.
Jeonghan: you left your phone unlocked when you went to Choiâs office and I figured it was time for us to exchange numbers
Seungkwan, now more invested in your messages than in the show in the background, lets out a low whistle of appreciation. âWow, heâs good. I see why you like him.â
âI donât like him, Kwan,â you sigh.
âSure,â he says dismissively.Â
As if to prove something, you make a show of moving your phone over to the end table and turning it over. Seungkwan gives you a Look that plainly says heâs not buying whatever it is youâre trying to sell. Otherwise, he lets you go back to the show that youâre watching without bringing it up again.Â
The text thread with Jeonghan seems to haunt you every time you open your messages, at least until there are enough conversations to push it out of your view. Surprisingly, you donât get any more texts from him when you donât answer. He also doesnât show up to your next office hours, which is a bit odd to you. And you canât vent to Seungkwan about it because heâs still very convinced that itâs only a matter of time before you end up sleeping with Jeonghan. Ridiculous, honestly. Like you would waste your time on someone youâre not even sure you like.Â
That carries you through to your next class. Itâs a slightly more complicated lecture that Choi does every semester to try and scare students off this path. He claims itâs so that everyone knows what they would be getting into. You suspect that itâs his way of reminding everyone just how smart he is. Not exactly the most flattering trait, but you suppose that he probably doesnât care about that. Doesnât need to. Heâs been teaching so long that his job is guaranteed at this point.Â
The good thing, though, about knowing Choi wonât need you during the entirety of the class is that you get to just sit at the back of the class and do some work. It gives you the chance to get through grading some of the assignments for the class without having to take time away from something else. Letâs you get absorbed into that to tune out the grating sound of Choiâs monotonous voice as he tries his best to warn students off the path. Youâre so absorbed that you donât notice the way that Jeonghan periodically glances over his shoulder to where youâre sitting, trying to catch your attention even for a moment.Â
When the class comes to an end, you make your way up to the front as you would any other time. Itâs a little irritating to have to check if thereâs anything Professor Choi needs like youâre his personal assistant, but youâre also resigned. What youâre not prepared for, though, is that he calls Jeonghan up to the front of the room.
âYes, Professor?â he says with so much respect and deference that it almost feels real, if you didnât know how he feels. One of the only personal things you actually know about this mystery of a man..Â
âI really enjoyed your proposal for the final project using Legos,â Choi starts. âEvery few semesters, I get someone that seems to think being good at using plastic building blocks means theyâd make a good engineer. But, youâve actually been doing wonderfully in the class. So, I want you to work with my TA here to refine the idea a little bit. I donât think youâre meeting your full potential with it yet.âÂ
âOh, well Professor ChoiâŚâ you start and he waves a hand.Â
âSurely it isnât a problem to help foster the best student in my class, is it?â he challenges.
âNo, of course not,â you concede.Â
Professor Choi wears a triumphant smile. âGood. Iâll leave the two of you to coordinate your schedules. See you next class, Mr. Yoon.âÂ
The formality of calling students by their family names nearly makes you roll your eyes. Itâs only when you note the glint in Jeonghanâs eyes that you catch yourself. The two of you say your goodbyes and a silence settles in Choiâs absence.
âShould I just stop by your office hours tomorrow?â he asks when itâs clear you arenât going to say anything.Â
âSure, that works,â you say. âYou stop by most of them anyway.âÂ
âDoes it bother you that I do?â he asks, a note of something you canât detect in his tone. Maybe vulnerability.Â
That makes you soften. âNo, of course not.â
âI can back off if itâs making you uncomfortable,â he says with a forced smile. âMaybe it was too much adding my number to your phone.âÂ
âWe can talk about boundaries when I see you during office hours tomorrow,â you joke. At least it seems to bring a real smile back to his face.Â
In a strange turn of events, Jeonghan shows up to your office hours only two minutes after they start. You havenât even gotten yourself fully unpacked because you werenât expecting him to show up at the beginning. Not when he seems to show up in the latter half every other time.Â
The differences continue as you settle into the work the professor assigned the two of you. Jeonghan pulls out his proposal, something you hadnât actually seen yet, and talks you through his ideas. His idea had been to submit a design for a brand new structure built to scale entirely using Legos. Itâs ambitious in a way because the blocks only come in certain shapes and sizes. You canât just cut something down to fit the size that you need. It requires a good amount of forethought. But, for someone like Jeonghan whoâs taken to the course like a fish to water, it doesnât seem like itâs quite enough. You can see why the professor asked you to help him work through it a little bit more. It needs to be fleshed out a little further.Â
As the two of you go back and forth with ideas about how to give it an element that makes it more impressive, youâre stuck by how easy it is to work side-by-side with him. How well the two of you work together. Itâs like every visit before this has been building up to the level of comfort you have now, even if youâre still pretending that you donât really know him. Maybe you donât, though. Itâs not like he ever gives you real answers to your questions.
âWhy Legos?â you ask as the two of you are feeling stuck on where to go to expand on the proposal.Â
âBecause itâs funny to see how annoyed you get when I bring it up, so I figured it would be funny to imagine you grading my final project that has to do with Legos,â he says with that same look.
âBe serious for once, Jeonghan,â you sigh. âIâm trying to help you with this. Itâs the least you could do.âÂ
âSorry,â he says after a moment and shifts in his seat. âItâs, well, itâs just always been the way that I zone out and reset. At first, it was just when I needed a break from dealing with people because I had to focus on the instructions. Then, I started to think about how impressive it was that they were able to form these insane shapes with building blocks. Then, it started to get more elaborate with me testing out what worked and what didnât when I built my own designs.âÂ
Itâs one of the first truly real and truly honest things heâs said to you. Not hiding behind a joke or brushing off an answer. Itâs just him and you feel like that one response helps you know him better than all the hours heâs spent in your office up until that point. It also helps you realize what the proposal was missing in the first place: something personal from him.Â
Ultimately, what is going to make this project stand out is something that makes it personal. A structural engineer doesnât really need to design a building or a bridge or any other structure. They do need to design and analyze any of the support systems, though, which can be a dull job at times. Adding something more human will make it stand out. So, you suggest that Jeonghan take it a step further than just modeling a structural support system from Legos. You suggest that he set it up almost like instructions for an established set. But, instead of simple drawings to make it step by step, you suggest that he include little snippets about his previous experiences with using Legos, how he tests it to make sure he structure will hold, and any calculations he does for load capacity and gravity.Â
Initially, he seems a little unsure. Itâs easy to see that talking about things that are more personal to him, especially for a final project, is uncomfortable. After a lot of reassurances that nobody but you and Professor Choi will see it if he doesnât want them to, he finally agrees that itâs a good idea. It does seem like heâs at least excited about the prospect now, though.Â
While heâs rewriting his proposal to submit to the professor, you get back to what you had planned to do during the first part of your office hours before he showed up: grading assignments. Once again, his isnât on the stack to be graded. Out of habit, you always grade his first and some time when heâs guaranteed to not be around. Itâs oddly comfortable to work like this, grading papers while he types away on his laptop across from you.Â
Once he gets through typing up a new proposal, he asks if you would be willing to read it over. Youâre just about to suggest that he email it to you, when he just hands his laptop over. Seems unconcerned about having you his laptop. Although he watches you carefully as your eyes scan through the words, it feels like his only concern is what you think about it. Which doesnât need to be a concern at all. Itâs perfect, as far as youâre concerned.Â
You tell him as much when you look up with a smile. âI love it.â
âDonât be nice to me now,â he says nervously as you hand the laptop back over.Â
âWhat?â you ask.Â
âYou donât need to spare my feelings now when youâve been ignoring my texts,â he says like heâs trying to protect himself.Â
âSo much to unpack there and weâll return to the texts,â you say, a little exasperated. âBut, Iâm not being nice about the proposal. Itâs perfect and I genuinely canât find a single thing Iâd change. Choiâs going to love it.âÂ
âAh, well, he was right in getting your help. I wouldnât have gotten here on my own,â he admits and it does actually make you smile again.Â
âStill your idea,â you say to encourage him.
âThank you, I appreciate it,â he says and you know itâs the real him for a moment.Â
âOkay, but back to the texting,â you say to shift.
âThe boundaries chat, wonderful,â Jeonghan says, returning to his previous mask of being a menace.Â
âYou really shouldnât be going through a strangerâs phone and adding your number,â you chastise.Â
âWeâre not strangers though, are we?â he challenges. âAnd I didnât go through your phone.â
âNo?â you ask with an eyebrow raised.
âYour phone was still lit up when you left so I called myself quickly and then created a new contact, and then locked your phone and put it back,â he says like itâs the most normal sentence in the world.
âThatâs insane?â you state with a level of shock.
âI really wasnât trying to cross some sort of line,â he admits with a shocking level of sincerity. âI just really like getting to know you and I figured youâd feel weird about giving a student in your class your number, even though youâre still a student as well. So, I just wanted to make it easier. If you donât want me to have it, you can delete it right out of my phone.â
Jeonghan holds his unlocked phone out to you and itâs open to your contact. For some insane reason, you do actually believe what he said. Itâs easy to see how he might want to befriend you and be hesitant on how to do that. He strikes you as the kind of person that can put on a mask of liking to be social, but really would much rather be at home or in a small setting like in your office with you. And you do actually enjoy having him around, even if you keep trying to pretend that heâs basically a stranger to you. Heâs not wrong, either. You would have felt weird about exchanging numbers with him. Youâll never admit that to him.Â
He must see the hesitation on your face because he retracts his hand. Waits for you to say something, though. âI guess itâs not the worst thing that you have my number.âÂ
âThatâs almost a positive,â he jokes. âYou could give a guy false hope that you actually might be starting to like me.â
âOh, now I wouldnât go that far,â you quickly tack on. âWouldnât want you to get a big head.â
âHave you seen the grades Iâm getting? I already know Iâm doing something right,â he brags.Â
âI have seen your grades since Iâm usually the one grading them,â you remind him. âSo, I have to balance it out.â
âYou just wanna break my heart over and over again,â he whines.
âYouâll survive,â you deadpan.Â
Everything seems to carry on as it always does. You have to make sure youâre keeping up with all of your actual classes for your degree. Grade assignments when Professor Choi hands them off to you. Give feedback on the upcoming topics. Most importantly, you find plenty of time to disengage from all the hustle of classes. To enjoy time with friends where you can let your brain just wander onto things that donât matter nearly as much.Â
Even though you donât ever text Jeonghan first, it doesnât seem deterred because you do always answer the messages that he sends to you. Some of them are idle thoughts throughout the day. Others are questions that he wants answers to and seems to think heâs more likely to get them over text than during the hours he spends in your office. Your favorites, though, are when he texts you some wildly out of pocket statement and then gets you to debate him on it because itâs always something completely inane. Something meaningless. It gets you so fired up, though.Â
âHeâs so infuriating,â you complain as you forcely set your phone down on the couch next to you.Â
âIâm guessing weâre talking about Jeonghan,â Seungkwan says from his position on the other end of the couch.
âWhy would you immediately jump to Jeonghan?â you ask.Â
âBestie, we havenât talked about anyone else but Jeonghan all semester,â he says. You fling a pillow at your roommate.
âFirst, youâre being dramatic. And second, yes I talk about him a lot. Heâs infuriating,â you say.
âWhatever you say,â Seungkwan says dismissively.
âI might hate him,â you say.
âThey say hate sex is the best sex,â he says without taking his eyes off his phone.
âAnd they say killing your nosey roommate isnât actually a crime,â you retort.Â
Seungkwan looks up at you and smiles. âLetâs do it baby. I know the law.âÂ
âYouâve been spending too much time around Vernon,â you scoff.Â
âMaybe, but if you kill me, whoâs going to lend their ear to you and listen to your troubles?â he asks.
âVan Gogh,â you answer immediately.
âHeâs dead,â Seungkwan says with an arched eyebrow, carefully avoiding the more obvious retort.
âAnd so are you to me right now,â you say flatly.Â
âTouche,â he says with a light laugh. âWhatâs he done this time thatâs got you all pissy?â
âHeâs spent the last 20 minutes debating with me over whether or not a hotdog is a sandwich,â you say, expecting Seungkwan to think itâs just as ridiculous as you.Â
What youâre not expecting, though you should be, is for him to pick up Jeonghanâs side in the debate and make you rehash everything youâve already talked about. It sounds like such an innocuous topic. Something so outlandish that it could possibly spark debate for more than a few minutes. Yet, here you are, having the same debate all over again. It makes you even more heated despite not having a stake or opinion before Jeonghan asked you. In fact, you had never even considered the question. It was one of the most effective he had posed since he started sending you random questions or opinions like this.Â
Somehow, though, your biggest mistake is telling Jeonghan that your roommate got just as invested as he had about the topic. Worse when you told Jeonghan that Seungkwan was on his side. It made it immediately obvious that you could not ever let those two meet. It would spell an instant demise for any remaining sanity you had left. The realization that they would be instant best friends is terrifying.Â
The debate about whether or not hotdogs are sandwiches lasts all the way until the next day when Jeonghan shows up at your office hours, right at the start. The look on his face tells him that heâs about to carry on the text conversation. But, thankfully, he falls silent when you say that you actually want to get some grading done unless he actually has a question about the course material. It makes him soften, actually, and he agrees that heâll sit at the little table and work on some of his own homework. It doesnât really give the impression that heâs asking you for help, though youâre sure that you could sell it if you needed to.Â
Normally, itâs not all that distracting to have Jeonghan in your space. Probably because heâs there so often that youâre kind of used to him by now. Thatâs a thought you donât allow yourself to dwell on too long. Itâs easier to maintain the idea that you kind of hate him than to consider what your real feelings might be. Yet, those thoughts seem to be swirling in your head just by him existing in the same space as you. If heâs equally affected, then you canât tell. His fingers seem to fly across his keyboard as he works steadily on something.Â
Without warning, his voice interrupts the rhythm you finally find. âCan I ask you a question?â
âYouâve never asked permission before,â you note, but donât look up.
âI wasnât sure if it was an office hours question,â he says with a little hesitation.Â
That does get you to look over at him. âIs it about the course material?â
âNo,â he says.
âShocking,â you sigh. âWell, whatever it is, letâs have it.â
âDo you want to go out and get dinner sometime?â he asks, looking more vulnerable than usual.
Itâs enough to make your heart both constrict and threaten to beat out of your chest. Does he know that youâve been sitting here internally debating what your actual feelings towards him are? Has it been that obvious on your face?Â
âWith you?â you ask to buy yourself time.Â
âThat would be the idea, yes,â he says with a nervous chuckle.
âI donât knowâŚâ you start.
âYou donât know because youâre trying to spare my feelings? Or youâre not sure for some reason?â he asks to clarify.
Thatâs such a crossroads kind of question. Youâre not actually sure what the answer is yourself. All you know is that you feel immediate panic at the thought of one of the professors, especially Professor Choi, seeing you out with him. Itâs not that there are any rules about TAs and students dating. After all, TAs are just students themselves. But, since youâre doing most of the grading, setting some of the assignments, and even leading some of the classes, itâs frowned upon. It could give the student actually in the class some kind of perceived advantage. The thoughts just go rapidly flying through your brain as you look over at Jeonghanâs expectant face.
You decide on some version of the truth: that it doesnât matter what you think, itâs not a good idea for you to blur that line. That if someone from the university saw you out, that it could possibly jeopardize everything youâve spent years working on. That Professor Choi seems even more old school than most of the other professors. Youâve already sacrificed so much. Itâs just not a risk you think you can take.Â
What you donât say: that the question actually confuses you. That you can see yourself saying yes to finally figure out what exactly it is thatâs going on with you and Jeonghan. You wonder what type of place he would pick. Wonder what heâs like when itâs really just the two of you without the risk of someone else butting in. You wonder if maybe heâll answer all those personal questions that heâs so fond of dodging when heâs sitting in your office. It actually makes you wonder if saying yes is worth taking a risk when youâve been so careful with everything in your entire academic career. Itâs the kind of thought that really terrifies you even more. This is a man that you canât even figure out your feelings towards and yet youâre considering taking a massive risk.Â
Itâs one of the most intense office hours you hold and youâre left with more questions than answers.Â
Itâs been another exhausting day between your own classes, research, and doing work as a TA. Sure, there are definite upsides to your schedule. It helps you feel like you have a complete grasp on the material. It also helps you feel like you might be well suited to being a lecturer or even a professor yourself down the line. You also know that youâre giving more to your time as a TA than you need to. Itâs just that you donât want to leave anything to chance. The stronger the recommendation from Choi, the better.Â
When you get to your apartment, Seungkwan is in the kitchen with Vernon and Chan. Which should be a concerning sight, since none of them are exactly great cooks, but youâre too tired to really care. Youâre also kind of starving and whatever theyâre making smells good. Whatâs the worst that could happen? So you call out quick greetings before heading into your room to drop off your things and change. You reemerge to the sounds of them bickering back and forth.
âHey, do you want to try some of what weâre making?â Chan calls.
âSheâs going to say no,â Seungkwan says.
âIâm starving. Iâm down to try whatever it is,â you disagree.Â
âLooks like Chan wins this one,â Vernon teases.Â
A beep from your phone distracts you from engaging in the bickering back and forth. Itâs the last thing youâre expecting, though it shouldnât be. Ever since Jeonghan managed to get your number, and heard your half-hearted chat about boundaries, heâs been bothering you whenever he feels like it.Â
Jeonghan: have you thought about what I asked? You: no Jeonghan: donât believe you You: my answer hasnât changed Jeonghan: that it's not a good idea? You: exactly Jeonghan: thatâs not a no You: isnât it? Jeonghan: listen, I respect you and if you tell me no, I wonât ask again Jeonghan: the only thing Iâm going to ask if you actually think about it before saying no You: fine
âHello? Are you there?â Seungkwan asks, snapping his fingers in front of your face.Â
âHuh?â you ask.
âOh, sheâs gone girl,â Chan says with a laugh.
âWho were you texting?â Seungkwan asks. He gives you a look that screams heâs about to tease the shit out of you if youâre honest.
âOh, nobody important. Just a friend,â you say dismissively.Â
âAre we calling Jeonghan a friend now?â Seungkwan teases.Â
âIt wasnât Jeonghan,â you say with an eye roll.
âWhoâs Jeonghan?â Vernon asks.
âI think heâs that guy weâve been betting on when sheâs gonna finally give in and sleep with him,â Chan says in an undertone to Vernon.
âIâm not going to sleep withâŚhang on. What the fuck?â you ask, wheeling around on Seungkwan. âHave you been betting on me again?âÂ
âOnly when youâre being an idiot,â Seungkwan says with a shrug.Â
âWait, again?â Vernon asks.
âBro, we have been involved in other bets,â Chan says.
âI need new friends,â you grumble.
From there, it devolves into the usual bickering that you associate with your friend group. Sometimes you wonder how you even got so sucked into this friend group where theyâre two or three years younger than you. Youâre incredibly thankful for them, though, even in moments like this where you want to strangle them.Â
Dinner moves into watching something and playing a game. It always goes the same way. Chan or Vernon take care of picking what to watch since they watch more TV and movies than you and Seungkwan. Conversely, Seungkwan usually picks the game, which is never a good idea because he always picks something that heâs good at. It doesnât really matter to you, at least. Your brain tends to be fried from classes and research and all that. Itâs nice to let them just make the decisions and chime in when you have something to say.
Thankfully, the conversations quickly move past your friends and their complete conviction that you have feelings for Jeonghan to much less serious topics. Sitting there, though, you feel an overwhelming sense of peace even in the chaos. Even when you say that you need new friends, you know that you wouldnât trade these friends for the world.Â
Itâs been just over a week since you promised to give Jeonghanâs question actual thought. Youâre still not entirely sure why you agreed. Itâs not like youâre actually going to say anything other than no. Itâs been a little weird, though, because Jeonghan hasnât brought it up again, either. Itâs like heâs actually been true to his word. He even skipped your office hours when he would usually show up just to bother you and pretend to ask questions.Â
Since your workload has been a little light, you agree to go out for drinks with Seungkwan and some friends. Itâs a much needed night to unwind and just not think about any of the issues that plague you during the week. Itâs a night of ridiculous conversations while you all give each other a hard time about nothing that really matters. Eventually, as is always the way it goes, Seungkwan gets up and kicks off some karaoke. Itâs a blessing and a curse. Heâs got an amazing voice and you feel like you should be paying to hear someone sing that well. But, then he wants other people to join him and none of you are that keen to embarrass yourselves by following him.Â
Casting your eyes around the bar, they land on someone in a leather jacket. As you watch, he shrugs it off and sets it on the back of his chair. Thereâs something compellingly beautiful about him. He runs a hair through his short, perfectly textured black hair and turns his face slightly to the side. Youâre appreciating his profile for a second before it hits you. This isnât some stranger. Itâs Jeonghan. Itâs just that heâs clearly cut his hair and styled it differently. You quickly return your eyes to your group and only can hope that he hasnât noticed you yet. Then again, Seungkwan has been loud and singing before returning to your table. Most people seem to have noticed him. Still, since Jeonghan hasnât texted you or come over to say anything, you figure that maybe he hasnât seen you. No matter what, you down another drink to forget about checking him out.Â
By the time itâs your turn to go up to the bar and get another round of drinks, youâve mostly pushed the thought of Jeonghan out of your mind. With your back to his table, itâs been much easier to act like he doesnât exist. Once youâre at the bar, itâs a little more difficult. Your eyes find his table without even meaning to. His jacket is still there, but heâs not.Â
âLooking for me?â a soft voice asks from just beside you.Â
It makes you jump a little to realize that heâs somehow right next to you. You try your hardest to act like youâre unaffected when you turn to face him. Try to act like you didnât realize he was there. Kind of fail at that, honestly, because youâre one drink past the point of being able to pull it off. âHey, Jeonghan. How long have you been here?â
He smiles that mischievous smile that always makes him look like he knows something that you donât. âI saw you looking over at my table. You knew I was here.â
âI almost donât recognize you with the new haircut and that leather jacket,â you say and only realize your mistake a second too late.Â
âThe leather jacket back at my table?â he asks, raising an eyebrow in challenge. âI saw you checking your phone too.âÂ
âWere you watching me?â you challenge.
âYes,â he admits freely. âYouâre nice to look at.âÂ
âOh, well thatâs notâŚI didnât mean,â you stutter out, saved by the bartender setting a small tray down of drinks for you and your friends.Â
Somehow, though, because life isnât fair (and neither is Seungkwan), your best friend picks that moment to waltz over claiming he wants to help with drinks. What he really seems to want is to introduce himself to Jeonghan. Even goes as far as pretending he hasnât heard Jeonghanâs name before. Seungkwan manages to sell it better too and you think it would probably pass with anyone else that wasnât paying such sharp attention. Itâs only then that you notice Jeonghan doesnât have a drink in hand. Doesnât really seem the slightest bit drunk. Which is fine until Seungkwan manages to make it even worse by inviting Jeonghan and his friends to come join your group.Â
Then, something else thatâs kind of weird happens. Jeonghan, who has spent the entirety of the semester up until about a week ago terrorizing you, barely says anything to you at all. He talks about his favorite artists with Seungkwan. Asks Chan for suggestions on some movies that heâs recently seen. Even laughs about random ass memes with Vernon. His friends, whose names you canât even remember, fit in just as seamlessly. Itâs a littleâŚwell, uncomfortable. Itâs giving you entirely too much time to think and you donât like it.
So, you do the only reasonable thing and you keep getting drinks. Stay just on the right side of drunk so that youâre aware of your surroundings, but not sober. It makes it easier to deal with everything happening around you.
As the night continues on, your merged groups seem to ebb and flow. Some people wander over, drawn in by the fact that it seems like a fun place to be. Other times, some wander off to make new friends or have new conversations. This is especially true of Seungkwan, which youâre used to. Your roommate is one of the most social people that you know. And then people start to make their excuses to leave as it gets later. How you end up outlasting Chan is a mystery, since he seems to have endless energy. Itâs fine, though. You still have your roommate.
Well, until he tells you, without nearly the amount of shame that he should have, that heâs going to be bringing someone home that he got to talking to about karaoke. Itâs a little unlike him, at least until you realize that the person isnât a stranger. Theyâre definitely someone that Seungkwan has talked to before. It still leaves you a little lost on what to do or where to go.
âI never ask you for anything,â Seungkwan pleads. Itâs patently false. Heâs always asking you for things, just never things like this.Â
âI could text Chan or Vernon to see if theyâll let me crash on their couch,â you say, trying to quickly clear the cloudiness from your brain.Â
âDonât they put their phones into DND as soon as they get home?â Seungkwan asks.
âMy only other option is to just go home and put headphones on,â you say.
âYou could come crash at my place. My roommate wonât be back from a trip til tomorrow,â Jeonghan offers.Â
âPerfect! Thank you!â Seungkwan rushes out.
âUm? Seungkwan? You canât just send me to some stranger's house?â you protest.
âHeâs not a stranger. Heâs been in your class all semester and at your office hours nearly every day,â Seungkwan says with an eye roll. Jeonghan looks vindicated hearing this piece of information. âYouâre so dramatic.âÂ
âItâll be fine. I can sleep in his room and you can sleep in mine. Iâll even make sure you have fresh sheets if youâre worried,â he says.Â
This is definitely a bad idea. Even though youâre not drunk, youâre definitely not sober enough to pretend youâre not at least a little bit interested in Jeonghan. Everything about him seems to be a study in contrasts. Confident but not in some toxic masculinity type of way. Chaotic but serious at the same time. Silly to where he would say he joined a class because heâs good at Legos but also genuinely smart. And beautiful in a way so few men seem to be. Heâs just something entirely his own.
You shake your head because you realize youâre spacing out. This is a terrible idea and one you probably wouldnât agree to if you were sober. Itâs not like heâs actually a stranger, though. Jeonghan seems to have realized the conclusion before you open your mouth. âWhatâs the worst that could happen?â
âDangerous question,â Jeonghan says with a glint in his eyes.Â
âI love you,â Seungkwan says and wraps you up in a hug before skipping off.Â
âAre you ready to leave, then?â Jeonghan asks when itâs just the two of you.
âYeah, might as well,â you say. He nods, looking a little unsure for the first time since youâve known him and turns to grab his jacket. Says a quick goodbye to his friends and you try to ignore the looks they cast over at you.Â
âLetâs go,â he says a minute later.
âAre we calling an Uber or something?â you ask.
âIâm sober because I rode my bike here,â he says as he leads the way outside.
âIâm sorry, you rode your what?â you ask, brain slow to catch up with what heâs saying. Itâs then that you notice he didnât just grab his jacket. Heâs got a helmet as well.Â
âBike,â he says and indicates a motorcycle parked outside the bar.Â
That brings you up a little short. Itâs the last thing you would have expected when you thought of this man. Though, maybe it shouldnât have been. After all, you said he was a study in contrasts. Isnât this just another one of those?Â
Somehow, the more you look, the more it seems to suit him. Itâs not some big, clunky bike. Not what you typically think of when you think of a motorcycle. Itâs sharp and beautiful, just like he is, even if you can only admit that in your head. He pulls open a compartment that seems to be under the backseat and hands over a helmet.Â
âPromise I wonât go too fast,â he says with a softer smile than youâve seen on him before. Like heâs actually trying to reassure you.Â
Sure, itâs not the first time youâve been on a bike. Itâs just that of all the ways you could have seen this night ending, this wasnât one of them. At least youâre not feeling too self conscious as you slide onto the bike behind Jeonghan and wrap your arms around his waist. You miss the way his breath stutters as you settle in close to him. Miss the way his heart starts to beat out of his chest because youâre too focused on getting comfortable. Donât even think twice about clinging to his lean frame. But, even with the drinks, itâs hard to ignore the way that your body slots perfectly against his. Or the way your thighs squeeze against his hips. Maybe thereâs a lot more to whatever has been happening than youâve been admitting to yourself.Â
Once you reach Jeonghanâs apartment, he carefully helps you off the bike and then puts a bit of distance between you again. Itâs the first time that you notice he seems nervous, like maybe, you think, he might be reconsidering if this was a good idea. Thereâs not really much you can do about that now. You promised Seungkwan that he could have some privacy in the apartment and youâre already here. It canât possibly be so bad that you really regret coming here. It could even help you sort through the very complicated feelings that are making their presence known.Â
Inside the apartment itâs incredibly cozy. Not at all like you imagine two single guys would live while theyâre in school. Itâs not overly cluttered, but it doesnât feel cold either. Jeonghan disappears as soon as you both have your shoes off, which lets you look around at some of the decorations. He returns with a spare t-shirt and shorts for you to change into. Despite your insistence that itâs fine, he just presses them to you and indicates where the bathroom is for you to change.Â
It feels oddlyâŚcomfortable. Like this isnât the first time youâve seen him outside of class or your office. It also makes you take a little longer to change because you have to process whatever youâre feeling. Since youâre not sure exactly what to do after you change, you peek your head out into the living area. Jeonghan is setting some snacks and water out with the TV on in the background. You take it as a sign that youâre supposed to come out and join him. Momentarily, he disappears into his room and reappears also wearing more comfortable clothes.Â
The confusion only gets even worse from there. Maybe itâs just that Seungkwanâs gotten into your head. Since youâre finally processing that you might be interested in being something a little more with Jeonghan, you expect things to go a certain way. Seungkwan, and your other friends, for that matter, seem to think itâs only a matter of time before you cross over into being more than friends. Subconsciously, your brain must have latched onto that. Even wanted it, a little. But, now youâre here, and Jeonghan doesnât do anything. Heâs not the smooth, confident person that youâve gotten to know over the course of the semester. He doesnât try to pull any moves on you. Just makes sure that youâre comfortable, that you like the snacks, and that you like the show he has on.
It all feels like itâs a little too much and so Jeonghan shows you the way to his bedroom. Your nerves feel frayed because surely, this is the moment where things finally shift. Surely this is when he makes whatever move heâs held off on making up until this point. Quickly, you brush off the need to change the sheets. Itâs not like itâs that big of a deal if something else happens. Without giving your brain a chance to overthink it, you lean in to give him a hug. His whole body tenses for a second and youâre about to pull away, when he finally relaxes and wraps his arms around you.
âYou know, you can just sleep in your own bed,â you offer carefully.
âI donât want you to be uncomfortable,â he says through an emotion that you canât place.Â
âI wonât be. Plus, Iâd hate to force you into your roommateâs bed,â you suggest again, meeting his eye to reinforce the point.
âOh, well, itâsâŚâ he starts, eyes avoiding your gaze.
âReally, Jeonghan, itâs fine. Your bed is big,â you say.
âOkay,â he agrees and walks to the other side of the bed.
Itâs confusing, to say the least. He slides into the opposite side of the bed without meeting your eyes again. Youâre not exactly sure how to give him another sign that you want something else to happen without making it too obvious, especially because itâs not clear if he wants that. The guy constantly in your office was just on the right side of flirty. Always trying to wear you down. This Jeonghan in his apartment is much quieter, more reserved. Like heâs not really sure what happens now that heâs gotten you outside of school like he claims heâs wanted.Â
âDâyou usually sleep with the TV on?â he asks and you pull a face.
âIâm not a psycho,â you snort.Â
âGood to know after I let you into my apartment,â he jokes back and turns on the TV anyway. âIâll set a timer just in case we both fall asleep.âÂ
Confusing. Youâre laying in bed with this person that up until tonight you referred to as basically a stranger and thereâs justâŚnothing happening. The two of you are plenty close enough that you could brush up against him, yet not touching at all. His attention seems to stay forward on the TV. Occasionally, he shifts to get more comfortable, but he doesnât get onto his phone or even really look over at you.Â
Thankfully, the bed is comfortable and without even realizing it, you drift off to sleep laying on your side, facing Jeonghan. The last thing you remember is looking up at his face. Appreciating the cut of his jaw and the way the light from the TV threw his features into contrast. Then nothing but the easiest sleep youâve had after a night of drinking.
In the morning, when itâs too early to wake up after a late night but late enough that the sun seeps through the curtains, you have a momentary panic wondering where you are. Slowly, the night before settles back into your brain and you relax into the bed. Itâs only when you feel a weight around your middle that you wonder if everything is coming back. It is, though. You think back to the last things you remember before falling asleep. Jeonghan was safely on his side of the bed. Now, his arm is draped over your waist and heâs breathing rhythmically like heâs still fast asleep. For once, instead of overthinking it, you just slow your brain back down and drift back into sleep. After all, this is one the right path to what you wanted the night before.Â
The sun is fully up when you wake up again if the light streaming around the curtains is any indication. Thatâs not the only difference, either. Thereâs no weight around your waist and, when you look over your shoulder, the other side of the bed is empty. Which isnât entirely surprising when your phone tells you that itâs nearly noon. Itâs very unlike you to sleep in that late, but it makes sense. Youâre just thankful that Jeonghan insisted on giving you so much water and something to make sure you didnât wake up with a headache. Even though youâre still a little tired, youâre not hungover and that feels like a miracle.Â
But, what do you do now? Nothing happened last night, despite genuinely feeling like Jeonghan had some level of interest in you. But, then he did share the bed with you and curl up to you during the night. Maybe that was his subconscious way of showing what he couldnât say. Youâre out of the bed and nearly out the bedroom door when you hear voices drifting in from somewhere else in the apartment. Voices, plural. One is clearly Jeonghan, but the other sounds female and that stops you in your tracks.Â
The decision is immediate once you hear the second voice laughing at something Jeonghan says. You open your group chat with Seungkwan, Chan, and Vernon to ask if any of them are around to pick you up. Chan is the first, and fastest, to respond, saying to drop your location and heâll be out the door to get you in a minute without any questions asked. Thatâs more than youâre expecting and youâre incredibly thankful. Makes it feel like one weight has been lighted as you quickly and quietly get dressed back into the clothes you wore the night before.Â
Chan texts you to let you know heâs only a few minutes out. Thatâs your queue to actually leave the bedroom and make an appearance out in the rest of the apartment. Jeonghanâs back is to you and it looks like heâs got a cup of coffee next to him. The other person you heard from the bedroom is, in fact, a woman. Sheâs stunning in an effortless way that actually makes your head hurt a little bit. It has absolutely nothing to do with the drinks the night before, either. Her eyes land on you and thereâs a smile you canât place. It could be saying that she knows she won, despite whatever effort you made. Something on her face must tip Jeonghan off because he turns around.
And itâs worse than you thought, immediately. The smile on his face is both welcoming and soft, like heâs actually happy to see you. It only makes the whole thing more confusing. Why is he looking at you like that with one of the most beautiful people sitting across from him?Â
âYouâre awake,â he says, still smiling. âI hope Hana here didnât make too much noise.âÂ
âSorry, babe, I only have one volume setting,â she, Hana, apparently, says with another smile you canât place.Â
âDo you want coffee? Something to eat?â Jeonghan says and starts to get out of his chair.
âNo, no, itâs fine. My friend is almost here to pick me up. Thanks for letting me crash last night,â you say without fully meeting Jeonghanâs eyes. It means you miss the confusion that settles in there.
Without a backward glance, youâre out the door and down the elevator. Itâs only another minute or so before Chan pulls up, shockingly by himself, and smiles softly at you as you get into his car. All he asks is if youâre hungry and then starts navigating to your favorite place to get breakfast food thatâs open at least into the early afternoon. Itâs exactly what you need right now.Â
Chan lets you just be in your head while he drives with music playing softly in the background. It might be a dangerous decision, honestly. All you can think about are reasons for that person, Hana, your brain supplies automatically, to be in Jeonghanâs apartment like that. His roommate wasnât home, to the best of your knowledge, so that means she was there for Jeonghan. Was that his girlfriend? Was that why he was so reluctant to do anything the night before? On some level, you do know thatâs probably not the right answer. The rational part of your brain knows that he wouldnât be so calm if that was his girlfriend. Thereâs no space in your brain for rationality right now, though. So, youâre going to stew in the feelings that she could be dating someone.Â
âDo you wanna talk about whatever happened last night?â Chan asks once youâre sitting opposite of each other in a booth.Â
âNot really,â you say. âNothing happened last night, though. So, you donât have to worry about whoever wins the bet.âÂ
âIâm not worried about some stupid bet. Iâm worried about you,â he says.Â
You shrug. âI think I might actually like him.â
âNo shit,â Chan says with a knowing smile.
âYou didnât let me finish. I think I might like him and I donât think it matters,â you say.
âStart at the beginning and weâll figure this out together.âÂ
Itâs been a week since whatever happened at Jeonghanâs apartment and you havenât spoken a word to him since leaving. Not that he hasnât tried to speak to you. After breakfast with Chan, you realized you had both texts and missed calls from Jeonghan trying to figure out what went wrong. Those stay unanswered. Even if youâre being stupid, you canât really bring yourself to behave in a different way. When the next class comes around, you avoid his eyes as much as possible. The one or two times you do look over at him, he looks incredibly hurt and confused. Itâs funny, you think, how heâs the one thatâs acting put out by this whole situation when youâre the one who had to wake up to some other woman in his apartment without understanding anything.Â
That leads to your first office hours. Thankfully, Jeonghan doesnât show up to those like he normally would. The office feels a lot quieter, even though other students stop by to ask questions. It just all feels very professional and detached. Not comfortable in the way it does when he drops by. Itâs hard to admit, even to yourself, that you had gotten used to having him around. That you even looked forward to it. Somehow, youâre not really sure how, Jeonghan became one of your favorite parts of every day you saw him. That realization makes you want to crawl into your bed and hide forever. No matter what, it doesnât feel like youâll have the option to go back to that. It sucks to realize it just took you too long to come to the very obvious conclusion.Â
Now, at least, itâs the weekend again so you have a short reprieve from all things school related. Well, all things Jeonghan related because you still have your own homework to handle, assignments to grade, and a new week to prepare for. At the very least, you deserve a little bit of a treat. Texting the group chat makes you realize, though, that a lot of your friends seem to have their own things going on.Â
Seungkwan is out spending the day with the same person that he brought home last weekend. They seem like theyâre really enjoying getting to know each other, which youâre rooting for wholeheartedly. You want your roommate and best friend to be happy. Vernon is kind of vague saying that heâs got other plans. With anyone else, you might think that heâs also seeing someone. You just know that he tends to be a little spacy when it comes to sharing plans. Knowing Vernon, heâs probably just off with some friend of his. Once again, Chan comes through and says that he could really use a coffee. Apparently, thereâs some new cafe by him that heâs been wanting to try out. It feels like an excuse because Chan will absolutely go anywhere by himself, but you take it all the same. Heâs actually probably the easiest of your friends to speak to about this, even if heâs younger than you are.Â
One sip into your drink proves that this is the best decision for a Saturday afternoon. Chan chatters away about the things that have been going on in his life. Heâs taking more dance classes in every free moment he has and itâs nice to see the way his face lights up talking about it. He certainly seems happier than any time you see him talking about his actual classes. Think about suggesting he give up one thing to pursue something else that would truly make him happy. His face is different when heâs happy like this. It makes it obvious how strained he feels with everything else.
A laugh pierces through the crowd and it gives you the worst sense of deja vu. Suddenly, youâre back in Jeonghanâs apartment. Which is crazy, right? What are the odds that he and the mystery woman are in this same coffee shop at the same time as you and Chan?
Not impossible, apparently. Well, at least in part. Your eyes cast around for the source of the laugh when they land on the mystery woman sitting with someone else that you donât recognize. Your brain tries to stutter over the name before it forces you to think, Hana. Just as youâre about to look away, her eyes find yours like she could sense someone looking at her. She flashes a smile, which you try to return, before looking back at Chan and whatever story heâs sharing.Â
That should be it. Except, when she appears by your side a moment later, you realize itâs not. She has someone else youâve never seen in tow behind her. Chan, not always as quick on the uptake, looks up at her in confusion.
âHey, I wasnât sure if you remembered meâŚâ she begins and youâre quick to answer.
âI do, yeah. Sorry about the other day,â you say. Chanâs face has a look of dawning comprehension.Â
âNo, no, itâs fine. Iâm sorry if I did something to offend you. I didnât even catch your name,â Hana says and you open your mouth to share before she cuts you off with a wave of her hand. âNo, Jeonghan told me. Heâs done nothing but speak about you for weeks now.â
âAnd I thought I could be annoying,â the mystery person says from behind Hana.
âOh, Iâm so rude. This is my boyfriend, Joshua,â Hana introduces and your brain short circuits. What? Boyfriend?
âAnd Jeonghanâs roommate. I hit traffic coming back last weekend or I wouldâve been there to meet you as well. Make the morning even more awkward,â he jokes.
âIâm sorry,â you say, rapidly trying to make your brain connect. âYou two are dating?â
âYup!â Hana says with a smile and then notices your face. âWait, what did you think? That I was dating Jeonghan?â
âOh, well, I donât know. I just thoughtâŚit was still early-ish in the day andâŚâ you stumble awkwardly.Â
âBabe, no. Jeonghan is very single. I was just early getting there because Joshua hit traffic and I was excited to see him,â she says. âHe will kill me for saying this, but he hasnât talked about anyone but you since the class started.â
âPlease note that I had no part in spilling the beans. I have to live with him,â Joshua jokes.Â
âAnd just so thereâs no more confusion, Iâm one of her closest friends, Chan. Not a boyfriend or date or anything like that,â Chan says.Â
âOh!â Hana says and turns to Joshua. âJeonghan was mentioning him, remember? There was a movie we were supposed to watch.âÂ
âYeah, he did mention that,â Joshua agrees.
âAnyway, Iâm sure you have lots to think about, but Iâm nosy and I figured Iâd say hi. Have a good weekend!â Hana says, full of more energy than anyone should have on the weekend. Joshua gives a smile and follows her out of the shop.
As soon as theyâre out of sight, you drop your head into your hands. All that worrying and you could have just talked to him. Could have avoided this whole idiotic situation.Â
âFeeling kinda dumb right now?â Chan asks. You raise your head to glare at him. âI did say it didnât seem like he was seeing someone.âÂ
âNot the time, Chan,â you say.
âItâs completely the time. Look, yeah you fucked up by not just talking to him. But, you admitted that you liked him. He clearly likes you. Just talk to him. Iâm sure you can fix it,â he says.Â
âI donât know,â you start. âI was such an asshole.âÂ
âI mean, yeah, you kind of were. But, he spent that whole night after Seungkwan invited them over getting to know your friends. Genuinely interested in everything we said. Heâs not doing that just to make more friends. He wants to show you that he can fit into your life without anything really having to change,â Chan reasons and it brings you up short.
âWhen did you get so smart?â you question.
âIâve always been smart, you just treat me like a baby,â he says with an eye roll.
âYou are the baby in this friend group,â you point out.Â
âJust go figure out how to make it up to him,â Chan says.Â
Even though you know it was a terrible miscommunication, youâre not sure how to approach Jeonghan for the rest of the weekend. Youâre also not sure how the conversation will go. So, despite knowing better, you decide to just take your time. Get yourself completely set for the coming week and figure that youâll see Jeonghan during the next class. As much as you want resolution, you donât feel like it would be enough for you to text him and ask to talk. That could also be taken wildly out of context.
So, you prepare for the next class. Make sure you look a little cuter than you normally would for class. Go over what youâre going to say with both Seungkwan and Chan, whoâs gotten incredibly invested in the whole situation. Itâs another class where youâll just be sitting in the back and listening, which might also make it easier. Youâre a little early getting there so that you can set all your things down.Â
But, then the class starts to fill in and you donât see Jeonghan. Professor Choi closes the door, doesnât comment on Jeonghanâs absence, and just starts teaching. Itâs unusual. He normally takes attendance. Instead, he does a head count of the students and gets on with teaching. Everyone else is there. Jeonghan is the only one missing. You figure that maybe he reached out about missing the class. It leaves a weird feeling in your stomach, though, because you wonder if heâs okay. What if something happened to him?Â
At the end of class, you join Choi at the front as you do on every other occasion. The answer comes immediately when Choi looks up at you. âMr. Yoon emailed me before the class to say that he was feeling very sick and wouldnât be able to make it. I assured him you would send over some notes on the subject matter today.âÂ
You try to avoid any relief that you feel at knowing itâs at least nothing that serious. It sucks that heâs sick, but at least he wasnât in an accident or anything. You need to stop going to the worst case scenario, honestly. âOh, sure. Iâm sure heâs already ahead on the material, but Iâll send it over.â
âHeâs such a good student,â Choi agrees. âThank you for helping him with the proposal. Iâm not sure if you read it over, but itâs exactly what I was looking for.â
âI did read it because he wrote it during my office hours. But, it was all him,â you say.Â
Professor Choi looks up at you like he knows thatâs not entirely true. âI can feel your influence on it. In a good way, of course. You have a habit of helping people get to their best results.â
âThank you,â you say earnestly. Itâs the most genuine compliment heâs ever given you. He reaches into his briefcase and pulls out a folder to hand to you. âDid I miss picking up an assignment to grade?â
âNo,â he says with a smile youâre not used to seeing. âThis is your letter for the recommendation packet. I already sent it in, but I thought you might like to see a copy.â
âThank you so much, Professor Choi,â you say with a relieved sigh.Â
âYouâre incredibly bright, probably one of the brightest students Iâve ever taught,â he says and it takes you completely by surprise. âI know itâs probably seemed like Iâve been hard on you because I have been. I knew there was even more potential in you waiting to be coaxed out. I also know I made it much easier on John to ask for a recommendation. But, between you and I, your letter is much more complimentary and personal than his was. I canât wait to see what you accomplish.âÂ
It all suddenly makes sense. Everything that Choi has put you through since asking for his letter. It almost makes you laugh. âIâm sorry for doubting your motives for asking me to TA this class.â
Now, Professor Choi does actually laugh. âOh, no need to apologize for that. Itâs much easier to get the most out of a student when they think they have something to prove.â
âYou may be onto something,â you agree.
âIâll see you next class,â he says and closes up his briefcase to head off.
With that bit of good news, you feel a lot lighter. You almost donât even need to read the letter (though, you definitely will later). Itâs enough to know that your entire future is still open ahead of you. It makes all of the miscommunication with Jeonghan feel incredibly silly. It also makes you feel a little bolder. So, you figure that you still have the location for Jeonghanâs apartment dropped in a group chat. Why not get him some food and medicine to help him feel better? Itâll give you a chance to apologize for how youâve handled everything up until this point.Â
That idea seems a little poorly thought out when you show up at Jeonghanâs apartment with soup and medication. He answers the door, looking completely fine healthwise and confused to see you standing on the other side of the door.Â
âProfessor Choi said you were really sick so I figured Iâd bring some soup to help you feel better,â you offer, holding up the bag to show him.Â
âWhy are you here?â he asks. Thereâs none of the normal warmth.
âI was worried about you,â you admit.
He sighs and leans against the doorframe without letting you in. âI canât do these mind games.âÂ
âIâm sorry,â you say immediately. âI know I messed up really badly. I owe you an apology.âÂ
âYou might as well come in,â Jeonghan says and steps aside. âSoup does also sound good. Itâs cold out.âÂ
âRight, here,â you say and hand it over to him.
âIs there enough for you to eat with me?â he asks and takes the bag. âOh, it looks like it. Wanna join me? And you can try to explain whatâs been going on?âÂ
âSure,â you agree.
Itâs mostly silent as Jeonghan heats up the soup and puts it into two bowls for you to enjoy it with him. He sets the bowls at the kitchen table and also sets some drinks down for you. The two of you take a few sips first before you venture to explain whatâs been going on.
âIâm really sorry, Jeonghan,â you say.
âSo youâve said,â he comments. Heâs not going to make this easy on you.
âThat whole night when I stayed here wasnât exactly what I signed up for,â you admit. He opens his mouth, but you wave him off. âLet me try to get this out. You were so kind and caring to me when you brought me back here. Then, I was kind of expecting something to happen and nothing didâŚâ
âBecause you had been drinking. I wasnât just gonna be like hey, letâs jump into bed when your mind wasnât fully clear,â he says with a scoff.Â
âThatâs fair. I get that,â you acknowledge. âThen, I donât know. I saw Hana sitting out here with you the next day and I just kinda freaked out. I had realized that I might actually like you and hereâs this beautiful person in your apartment for who knows what reason. I worried she was your girlfriend or something.â
He snorts a little derisively at that. âThat would be kinda shitty to share a bed with you and then let you walk out to find me with a girlfriend. Sheâs not, by the way. Sheâs my roommate Joshuaâs girlfriend.â
âYeah, I know. I ran into her and Joshua while I was getting coffee over the weekend,â you admit sheepishly. This seems to surprise him.
âYou met Joshua?â he asks.Â
âThey didnât tell you?â you ask in return and he shakes his head. âProbably because Hana told me that Iâm the only one youâve talked about since starting the class.âÂ
âI wouldnât have even cared if I had an answer to why you started ignoring me,â he says.Â
âI got a bit scared,â you say softly.Â
âThat doesnât mean you shouldnât just speak to me,â he insists.
âI know that. I really am sorry, thatâs all I can say,â you offer.Â
âWell that and you can tell me that you do actually like me. Not that you might like me or something else vague,â he says with a glint to his eyes.Â
âYou areâŚinfuriating,â you say with a laugh. âYouâre beautiful and smart and funny and impossibly kind. You make me want to pull out my hair at least once a dayâŚâ
âDonât do that. You have nice hair,â he interjects.
âBut, yes, Iâm trying not to be scared anymore. So yeah, I do like you,â you say.
âWhat about being the TA for my class?â he asks and you shrug.Â
âThe class will end eventually,â you say.Â
âDoes this count as our first date, then?â he asks like the true demon he is.Â
âOnly if you plan something else for our second date,â you concede.
âDeal,â he agrees.Â
Everything feels a little bit easier after that. A little bit lighter. Like you actually can breathe for the first time all semester. You tell Jeonghan about the letter and he suggests that you read it right then with him. It makes sense, in a way. Working with Jeonghan has brought out exactly the side to you that Choi wanted to see. It feels like this is kind of his win as well, even though he didnât realize it. It also feels a little less overwhelming to read it with him by your side. (Itâs a rave. Way better than anything you could have dared to hope for and better than any other letter written by him that youâve read. Everything feels worth it and like it falls into place.)
Now that the awkwardness is out of the way, Jeonghan shares that he wasnât actually sick, which you already know. Itâs obvious looking at him that he feels fine. It does surprise you a bit that he admits to avoiding you to give himself time to process, though. Then he moves onto talking about Joshua and Hana, grumbling that they hadnât told him about running into you after you relay the entire conversation. Even goes as far as to say that he would have come to class so that you could have figured all of this out. Instead, he admits telling Joshua about the plan to skip. Thatâs why Joshua isnât there, though. He claimed he was going to give Jeonghan his space to work through whatever he was feeling and spend the night at Hanaâs. You make a mental note to thank Joshua for that.Â
âHow early is your day tomorrow? Do you want to stay and watch a movie or something?â he asks a little awkwardly when you finish your soup.
âNot that early,â you answer easily. âA movie sounds good, but can we watch something in your room? I feel like laying in bed and being lazy.â
âOh, uh, sure,â he says.
âWe donât have to,â you say quickly.
âCan I say something thatâs really gonna make me lookâŚnot cool?â he asks.Â
âSure,â you say curiously.
âYou make me a little nervous,â he admits.Â
That completely surprises you. Nothing about Jeonghan really seems anything short of confident in everything that he does. Itâs kind of nice to see him falter. All you do is hold out a hand to him. âItâs okay, thereâs nothing to be nervous about.â
He takes your hand easily and lets you lead him into his own bedroom. Seems very content to let you just set the pace of whatâs happening. So, you settle on top of his covers and he hands you the remote. Itâs nice to get to control whatâs on the TV for a change, even if youâre not really paying much attention to it. Jeonghan is a little stiff against his headboard as you try to settle into his body.Â
âIs it okay if I lean against you like this?â you ask, suddenly worrying this is too much.
âOf course,â he says after a moment.Â
âYou can tell me ifâŚâ you start.
âNo,â he says firmly. âNo, Iâve been thinking about this since the last time I had you in my bed.â
âJust since then?â you tease.
âNo, it was definitely before then, but Iâve already lost a lot of cool points,â he says.
âI donât want to possibly misread the signs, but are you okay withâŚâ you start, once again, before he cuts you off.
âI am fine with absolutely anything you want to give me,â he says and you wish you could see his face. Wonder if heâs blushing.
âAnd if thatâs just a cuddle?â you test.
âFine,â he says.
âOr if itâs a kiss?â you ask and feel the breath he takes. âOr what about if itâs a lot more than a kiss?âÂ
He takes another beat. His voice sounds a bit strained when he speaks. âDefinitely more than just fine.âÂ
Thatâs really all the confirmation that you need. Making sure youâre on the same page is important and getting this kind of consent makes it easier to relax. You settle further back into his chest and pull his arm around you, let one of your own arms drape across his lap. It feels like it might be easier for him to settle that way. So that you canât see his face and he doesnât have to worry about losing any more cool points. Not that those really matter with you anyway. More than anything, itâs entertaining to see the way this constantly confident, perpetual pain in the ass gets so tongue-tied now that heâs getting what he wants.Â
The more time goes by, the more he seems to relax a little more into whatâs happening around him. His fingers absently run along your arm, raising goosebumps in their wake. He leans his head down to meet yours and you could swear his lips press the lightest kiss into your hair. His entire presence is a little overwhelming. And he smells amazing. Itâs such a unique scent that you canât place. Something light, airy, and delicate. Something that seems to perfectly suit him. It might be your new favorite scent.Â
Nothing about the TV show is keeping your attention. It feels like little more than a precursor to what you both know is coming. But, Jeonghan doesnât make the first move beyond the contact his fingers make with your arm. The first actual move seems like it might belong to you, which is actually kind of exciting. Itâs a bit thrilling to know that youâre going to be in charge with this man whoâs done nothing but send every one of your senses into overdrive. Itâs nice to know that he doesnât need to be in control of everything.Â
Almost as if youâre testing the water, you run your hand across his lap, careful to go slowly. He stops breathing for a second as he seems to wait to see what youâll do next. It prompts you to run your hand back and forth a few more times, not bothering to move on from the subtle imprint of his dick through his sweatpants. Everything about him stills: his hand freezes on your arm, he doesnât fidget, and his breathing is incredibly shallow. He starts to get noticeably harder underneath your hand while you keep your eyes trained forward, even though you have no idea whatâs going on in whatever show you picked as background noise. Thereâs something strangely intimate about this in the way it feels a little innocent.Â
Finally, when he starts to moan a little with each motion, you pull your hand away. Delight in the way he actually whimpers at the loss of contact. Itâs time to actually face him so that you can see what youâre doing to him. Repositioning yourself, you see the look on his face. Heâs a little flushed just from the attention and his eyes are wide. Waiting. All heâs doing is waiting to let you set what happens next, like he canât really believe that this is happening after so much time. It is, though.Â
You run a hand through his hair and marvel at how soft it is when it looks perfectly styled. Either his hair just looks like that or heâs got the best products in the world. Neither feels fair when heâs already this stunningly beautiful. Gently, you lean forward to press your lips against his. Let your hand tangle in his hair as you anchor yourself to him. The kiss is at complete odds with you slowly rubbing him through his pants. Thereâs a little bit of desperation and youâre not even sure which of you itâs coming from. All you know for sure is that his lips are so soft that they feel like clouds and he doesnât even fight you for control when you slide your tongue into his mouth. Just meets whatever pace you set. He really is happy with whatever you give him.Â
Your free hand winds down his body and doesnât waste any time slipping into the waistband of his pants. When your hand wraps around his cock, he tries to pull away from the kiss, but you donât let him. The moan that comes from you running your thumb over his tip gets caught up in your lips. You pull your hand out just long enough to spit into your palm and return it to the inside of his pants. Jeonghan does break the kiss when your hand wraps around his cock and strokes the first time, a hiss coming out of his mouth.Â
âAre you still sure youâre okay?â you ask, but itâs almost more of a tease.Â
âFuck,â he hisses out. âPlease donât stop. Please.â
Hearing him nearly begging like that is the sweetest sound youâve ever heard. Never could you have imagined you would have this man like putty beneath your hands. Itâs going to your head a little bit and then it hits you. You wonder if you can make him come just like this. Wonder how that would feel to have that kind of power over him.Â
So, you do the only logical thing, and decide to test it out. You kiss him again, fierce and messy and desperate. Keep a steady rhythm of stroking him. Heâs a squirming, writhing mess under your touch and itâs like he doesnât even remember what to do with his hands. Itâs actually turning you on as well to know that he wants you this bad. That nothing more than your lips and his touch are going to send him over the edge. Itâs obvious when he starts getting close because he works harder to break the kiss. Canât seem to catch his breath. You take a little pity on him and kiss across his jaw. Even pull away to watch him as he squeezes his eyes shut.
âYouâre gonna make me come,â he whimpers.
âSo come,â you direct.
âI canât come in my pants like a fucking teenager,â he protests. âPlease, Iâm beggingâŚâ
âI want you to come for me, Jeonghan. Right now. Exactly like this. Come for me and show me how desperate youâve been to have my hands on your cock,â you instruct.
âFuck,â he draws out. âFuck, I canâtâŚIâm gonnaâŚâ
His release comes almost out of nowhere, so hard and heavy that it coats your hand as you continue to stroke him through the release, coaxing every last bit from him. Once heâs spent, he collapses back against the headboard of the bed and you see any tension drain from his body. You pull your hand from inside his pants and wipe it off on them. Thankfully, he doesnât even seem to protest.Â
While his breathing steadies, you shift and get off of the bed. He slowly opens his eyes and tracks your movement. Only swallows a little hard when you start to undress without taking your eyes off him. Sometimes, this part makes you a little self conscious. Itâs much easier now, though, knowing you had just made Jeonghan come in his pants. Thatâs an ego boost you never expected to get. His breath stutters when you even remove your bra and panties, leaving yourself completely exposed before him. His eyes go somehow even wider when you get back onto the bed and position yourself in front of him. He reaches out to touch you, but you slap his hand away.
âOh, no, no,â you chastise softly. âNo, my little demon, you are going to watch now.â
âWatch?â he asks.Â
âYes, watch,â you confirm and study his face. âDonât you want to watch me get myself off? Donât you want to watch me show you exactly what it is that I like?âÂ
âF-fuck thatâsâŚwow,â he stutters out.Â
You lean back, using one hand behind you on the bed to brace yourself. You spread your legs open to show him the way your pussy already glistens a little. The kissing and the feel of bringing him over the edge like that really turned you on. Itâs a little bit of a first for you. Running a finger up your entrance, you collect some of the wetness there. Do it once more for good measure. And then, still emboldened by whatâs happened so far, you reach forward to hold your finger out to Jeonghan. Let it run along his lip until he takes it into his mouth and tastes you.Â
âFuck, youâre soâŚjust, fuck,â he hisses. âCan IâŚâ
âNo,â you say and cut him off, pulling your finger back.Â
Now that youâve had a taste of him begging for something, you want to drive him to that again. Want to get him so turned on that he canât even see straight. You slowly tease at your entrance and watch the way his eyes track each movement. When you use your free hand to play with one of your nipples, he seems like he canât really figure out where to look. Then, you slide one finger into your pussy and itâs like he canât see to take his eyes off the motion. You moan, even though itâs nowhere near enough of a stretch, and increase the rhythm. Quickly add another finger and start to fuck yourself just the way you like. Just the way you would when you want to draw out your release a little more than using a toy. You slide your free hand down your body and use it to rub small circles on your clit. Somewhere, the thought of Jeonghan watching you becomes a little secondary. Itâs incredibly sexy to know that heâs just watching, but youâre also invested in your own high. You want to do this for yourself as much as to show Jeonghan. Canât possibly realize that Jeonghan is even more turned on knowing that youâre so lost to your own passion.Â
The orgasm washes over you more suddenly than youâre expecting and it takes a moment to catch your breath. It takes another moment to realize that Jeonghan has undressed himself while you were lost in your own world. He isnât touching himself though and you canât figure out if heâs still sensitive or just waiting for your permission. Itâs hard to avoid the realization that every part of him is beautiful. His body is all lean lines, not overly muscular, yet still looks strong. Even his cock is kind of beautiful in a way, which isnât fair. Itâs not surprising, though.Â
âThat was one of the sexiest things Iâve ever seen,â he admits, a little breathless.Â
âDâyou think you can make me come as well?â you tease. âWant to feel my pussy squeeze around you?âÂ
He nods immediately and it makes you laugh a little. âI know I can. I wantâŚâÂ
âTo taste me?â you offer and his eyes go dark with lust.Â
âCan I?â he asks. âCan I actually get a taste? Just your finger wasnât really enough.âÂ
âI want to see what that mouth can do when itâs not talking a mile a minute,â you say. âI hope youâre just as good with your tongue.â
Itâs obvious that this catches him a little off guard that youâre so confident now with him. So easily fall into telling him exactly what you want him to do. But, youâre very curious to see what his skills are like. The two of you reposition so that he can settle between your legs. His eyes find yours, searching, Maybe asking permission. You nod and he uses his fingers to spread your lips open. He licks up your core and mutters a quiet fuck under his breath at your lingering wetness. The breath against your core sends a slight shiver through your body.Â
After all the build up and everything, you donât really have the patience for him to go slow. So, you tangle your hand into his hair and press his head further into your cunt. Force his nose to brush against your clit. Donât really stop to consider if itâs too much for him. His moans into you seem to show that theyâre not, though. Itâs nice to just take what you need and know that heâs enjoying it just as much as you are. When you ask him (read: tell him) to add a finger, he does it without question. For someone that always seems to have a retort for everything, heâs surprisingly quiet now. Nothing piercing the quiet of the room apart from the constant stream of moans from both of you and curses from you as you get closer to your second orgasm.Â
The second one hits a lot harder than the first, a fact that you wouldnât really want to admit to Jeonghan. Itâs too obvious to hide, though. You donât even care. Jeonghanâs tongue is far better than anything you could have dreamed about. Not that you were dreaming about it. (And not that you ever got yourself off in the shower or in your bed, late at night, thinking of the annoying guy who wouldnât ever seem to leave you alone. Absolutely not.) When you open your eyes again, you find Jeonghan looking at you with awe. Thereâs nothing smug about his look. It makes your insides go even a little mushier. Itâs definitely not the time for those kinds of emotions.Â
âWow,â is all Jeonghan says.Â
âYeah,â you agree.Â
âDo you still want toâŚ? I mean, can we stillâŚâ he starts.
âJeonghan, do I make you feel that nervous?â you joke. âYou just ate me out and made me come all over your face.âÂ
He shrugs. âI just donât wanna press my luck.âÂ
âMaybe we just stop here then,â you say with a return shrug. âIâm not sure you want it enough.â
âOh, no, I definitely want it,â he disagrees.
âAre you sure?â you taunt. âSure you can handle it?âÂ
That unleashes a side of Jeonghan you havenât fully seen yet. The next moment, heâs begging you for your pussy. Begging you to show you how much he still wants you. Begging to make up for the fake that he came in his pants just at your touch. Just begging for anything and everything. He even goes as far as to say that heâll do all the work. It shouldnât be working for you. Itâs kind of lame, the way he just canât seem to stop himself from running his mouth. And, unfortunately, itâs working for you. You kiss him just to make him stop.Â
The kiss immediately turns into something desperate, but youâre not sure which one of you takes it there first. Every new bit of him you get only makes you want even more of him. Itâs kind of insane to think you werenât even sure you liked him when itâs been so easy to fall into this. Jeonghan breaks the kiss and reaches over into his nightstand for a condom. Somehow, he manages to get it on in nearly record speed, despite his nerves about everything else. He doesnât waste any time in positioning himself, either. You lie back when he spreads your legs open and seems a little drunk on the sight of you. You tap his side with your foot and he shakes his head clear of whatever he was thinking.Â
Jeonghan lines himself up at your entrance and presses his tip in. You arch your back, moaning at the initial stretch. Itâs immediately better than either of your fingers or his tongue. You wrap your legs around his waist to pull him in and it makes him snap into you in one swift movement. All you wanted was to be full and you squeeze your walls around him. Direct him to move. The two of you work together to figure out the right pace, knowing that neither of you is likely to last all that long. Youâre both a little sensitive from everything in the lead up to this moment. Still, you revel in the way that Jeonghan rolls his hips into you. Appreciate the way that he nearly pulls all the way out before snapping back into you. Moan into the sloppy kiss when your mouths crash together. Itâs hard to tell where your own whines start and his moans begin. The sounds all kind of blend together into some kind of weird harmony.Â
Where Jeonghan was incredibly vocal when he was begging, he doesnât seem to have a coherent thought to share now. Yet, his eyes never leave you. Like heâs trying to map each part of your body. Itâs too fast for him to learn what you actually like. Thatâs not what you need, not right now. What you need is to have another release, one that comes at the same time as his own. And thatâs exactly what you get when you come hard again just as you feel his thrusts stutter. A moment later, heâs coming into the condom and eventually stilling inside of you.Â
The last thing you want is to feel the loss of him inside of you, but you understand that he has to pull out. His breathing is heavy when he rolls over onto his back. Itâs clear that he doesnât want to get out of bed. That itâs a struggle. But, he gets up to dispose of the condom and you hear water running in the distance. He returns a moment later with a wet cloth and starts gently washing you without even asking. He tosses the cloth on his dresser and then collapses back on the bed next to you. Pulls you into his body without a second thought.
âI donât want to go anywhere,â you say softly while youâre nestled into him.Â
âLike I would let you leave,â he says just as softly.
âOh, the man that begs for my pussy is going to force me to stay?â you challenge.Â
You feel the way his chest slightly rumbles with laughter. âI was hoping youâd let me live for a second.â
âAfter you not letting me live since we met? Fat chance,â you answer.
âI suppose I deserved that,â he says.
âI really donât want to leave tonight, though, so hopefully you have more clothes to lend me,â you say.
âYouâre gonna have to let me move for that,â he says in return.
âWorst offer Iâve gotten all day, but fine,â you agree and allow him to disentangle from you.Â
Once he offers you some clothes, you also get up from the bed to get dressed. Try not to ogle Jeonghan too much as he does the same. He catches you, because of course he does, but surprisingly doesnât say anything. Only smiles back at you. You help him remake the bed before the two of you go back out into the living area. It occurs to you that you didnât exactly let your roommate know what you were up to before just heading straight over to see Jeonghan.
A fact that is immediately obvious when you see the texts and missed calls on your phone. Oop.
âHey,â you call out to Jeonghan. âMy roommate, Iâm sure you remember himâŚâ
âYeah, Seungkwan, right?â he asks.
âYeah, heâs freaking out because I forgot to say I was coming over here,â you say. âIâm just gonna call him really quick to let him know Iâm fine and Iâll see him tomorrow.â
âDo you want privacy?â he asks and you just laugh lightly.
âNot sure I need it,â you say and the phone is already ringing. Seungkwan answers nearly immediately.
âWhat the fuck? Are you okay?â he asks instead of saying hello.
âChill, Kwan, Iâm fine,â you answer.Â
âWhere are you? Your class ended hours ago,â he says.
âHas it been hours?â you ask with some amount of surprise.Â
âWait, where are you?â he asks again, sounding calm but skeptical now.Â
âI justâŚjust donât worry about me for the night, okay? Iâll be home tomorrow,â you say.Â
âSwitch to video, you whore,â Seungkwan says skeptically.
âDonât be a weirdo,â you retort.
âCome on! Turn on your camera!â he yells and you pull the phone away from your ear.
âFucking fine,â you grumble and press the button on your phone before holding it back up to your face.
âI KNEW IT!â he shrieks gleefully. âWhoâs shirt is that?â
âOh, well, itâsâŚâ you stall and look over at Jeonghan. Heâs already moving toward you.
âWell?â Seungkwan prompts as Jeonghan leans over behind you so his face shows in the camera.
âItâs mine,â Jeonghan answers and Seungkwan looks like Christmas came early.
âWell, hello Jeonghan,â he says.Â
âI promise to take good care of her and send her back in one piece,â Jeonghan says and Seungkwan canât contain his grin.
âKeep her as long as you like. Iâm about to be so rich,â he says, far happier than he should be.
âGoodbye Seungkwan. Iâll see you tomorrow,â you say and hang up before he can say anything.Â
Once you hang up, Jeonghan gives you an odd look. Like heâs trying to figure out what Seungkwan just said.
âDo IâŚwant to ask?â he finally asks.
You sigh. âSeungkwan started placing and taking bets about me sleeping with you as soon as I mentioned you.âÂ
âAnd when was that?â he asks, seemingly not even surprised by the bets. You internally curse.
âAfter the very first class when you mentioned you joined because you like Legos,â you admit.Â
âWe could have saved so much time,â he whines and you just shake your head.
âThis is exactly how it was supposed to go,â you disagree.
âMaybe,â he concedes. âShould we get some sleep? We can figure everything else out in the light of day.â
âSounds perfect,â you agree and follow him to bed.Â
Itâs far easier than it should be to settle into bed with him. Like youâve done it a million times before. Maybe itâs okay to allow yourself to have the things you want. Maybe this can all be as easy as attaching one block to another until you have something amazing.Â
i hope you liked it! and like i said, i'll be back to fix any spelling/grammar errors after the weekend.
taglist: @newjihoonie, @tinyelfperson, @dokyeomkyeom, @miriamxsworld, @hongrizon, @klecksstorys, @sunflowergyeomie, @gyuminusone, @aaniag, @straykidswhoo789, @kimseokgen, @beomesbabe, @haolistic, @vanishingboots, @babybae-shisui, @harry-the-pottypus, @okiedokrie-main, @nuttywastelandmentality, @writingbarnes, @gyuhao365, @jjin-kun, @divinityyy, @dibidibidismynameisleeknow, @jelly-n , @christinewithluv, @hipsdofangirl, @sana-is-ms-rmty, @lllucere, @vixensss, @soffiyuhh @aidanjoon, @hanniebub, @stormy1408, @lilifiedeans, @hyucksrealm, @joshuaslv, @tinkerbell460 (strikethrough means can't tag)
#jeonghan smut#svt smut#jeonghan x reader#svt x reader#seventeen x reader#seventeen smut#jeonghan imagines#svt imagines#seventeen imagines#jeonghan x you#svt x you#seventeen x you#jeonghan scenarios#svt scenarios#seventeen scenarios#jeonghan fluff#jeonghan angst#svt fluff#svt angst#seventeen fluff#seventeen angst#jeonghan fanfic#svt fanfic#seventeen fanfic#thediamondlifenetwork#svthub#kvanity#seventeenTAcollab#ksmutsociety
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A thought Iâve been having: While it's important to recognize the long history of many current queer identities (and the even longer history of people who lived outside of the straight, cis, allo ânormâ) I think it's also important to remember that a label or identity doesn't have to be old to be, for lack of a better word, real.
This post that i reblogged a little while ago about asexuality and its history in the LGBTQ+ rights movement and before is really good and really important. As i've thought about it more, though, it makes me wonder why we need to prove that our labels have "always existed." In the case of asexuality, that post is pushing back against exclusionists who say that asexuality was âmade up on the internetâ and is therefore invalid. The post proves that untrue, which is important, because it takes away a tool for exclusionists.
But aromanticism, a label & community with a lot of overlap & solidarity with asexuality, was not a label that existed during Stonewall and the subsequent movement. It was coined a couple decades ago, on internet forums. While the phrasing is dismissive, it would be technically accurate to say that it was âmade up on the internet.â To be very clear, Iâm not agreeing with the exclusionists hereâIâm aromantic myself. What Iâm asking is, why does being a relatively recently coined label make it any less real or valid for people to identify with?
I think this emphasis on historical precedent is what leads to some of the attempts to label historical figures with modern terminology. If we can say someone who lived 100 or 1000 years ago was gay, or nonbinary, or asexual, or whatever, then that grants the identity legitimacy. but that's not the terminology they would have used then, and we have no way of knowing how, or if, any historical person's experiences would fit into modern terminology.
There's an element of "the map is not the territory" here, you know? Like this really good post says, labels are social technologies. There's a tendency in the modern Western queer community to act like in the last few decades the "truth" about how genders and orientations work has become more widespread and accepted. But that leaves out all the cultures, both historical and modern, that use a model of gender and sexuality that doesn't map neatly to LGBTQ+ identities but is nonetheless far more nuanced than "there are two genders, man and woman, and everyone is allo and straight." Those systems arenât any more or less âtrueâ than the system of gay/bi/pan/etc and straight, cis and trans, aro/ace and allo.
I guess what Iâm saying is, and please bear with me here, âgayâ people have not always existed. âNonbinaryâ people have not always existed. âAsexualâ people have not always existed. But people who fell in love with and had sex with others of the same gender have always existed. People who would not have identified themselves as either men or women have always existed. People who didnât prioritize sex (and/or romance) as important parts of their lives have always existed. In the grand scheme of human existence, all our labels are new, and thatâs okay. In another hundred or thousand years weâll have completely different ways of thinking about gender and sexuality, and thatâll be okay too. Our labels can still be meaningful to us and our experiences right now, and that makes them real and important no matter how new they are.
We have a history, and we should not let it be erased. But we donât need a history for our experiences and ways of describing ourselves to be real, right now.
#stars has thoughts#i'm not letting the exclusionists have this one#'it was coined on the internet' 'it was only coined a few (read: in the case of aromanticism almost 20) years ago' true. so what?#that doesn't make it less real#i hope what i'm getting at comes across here#(and that it doesn't sound like im trying to invalidate all LGBTQ+ labels lol. i'm trying so hard to not do that)#labels are social technologies. if they are useful here and now then they are useful#we are using technologies that are new and innovative and useful to us in this time and place#in other times and places they have not always been and will not always be useful#but that's true of any technology. doesn't mean we don't get to use them now#queer#aspec stuff#aro thoughts
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Bit of a random question, but as a teen I'm curious, what would you want to say to kids of today? Any advice?
Hm... every person's life journey is different, but I don't mind giving a few tips based on my personal experiences! If they can help in anyway then I am glad for it!
Ted Talk below the cut.
Life will always change. YOU will change. You may feel stuck or trapped in some aspect of your life right now and are worried that things will never get better. But they do... it will take time, but you will get there so long as you keep moving forward.
Try not to stress too much. All those things that seem like such a big deal right now... most of them will be forgotten within a few years. So it helps when you feel overwhelmed to step back and not let these little (or even big) missteps take control of your life.
No really, go touch grass. I can not express how important it is to disconnect from social media and just be present in the moment. Going out to a cafe or a park to help you unwind and ground yourself. If life allows, try traveling! Even if it's just a road trip. Get out and see and experience different things because those will be the memories that will stick with you!
Change things up. Even if that's just taking a different path to school or trying a different snack. I find that stepping away from the mundane daily schedule helps bring so much more variety to my life and helps me be more present in the moment.
Be flexible. Especially in your goals and expectations. We're expected at such a young age to choose our destination in life, when it's the journey itself that we should be seeking. So while it's great to have goals, do not make them so rigid that you will deem yourself a failure should they not come to pass. Often times it's the things that surprise us in life that help lead us to opportunities we had never even considered.
Your worth does not come from what you produce, or how many milestones you hit, or how much money you make. It is something you give yourself as you relearn time and time again to love yourself.
Your health is important! It is something we often take for granted when weâre younger but it will mean so much as you age. Also should you feel that youâre ever in pain or unwell, speak up. There are so many instances of people coming to greater harm because they only listened to the first doctor who brushed them off. Seek a second opinion. Know that your body is worth proper care!
Just because you have to grow old does not mean you have to "grow up." Those things you loved that sparked joy in you as a kid? Hold onto them or find new ways to instill them into your life. Keep that passion and remember what fun is! Because you will need it just as much when you're older. It is a major ingredient in the spice of life.
Remember, you ARE special. You may not feel like it... but the fact that you exist is such a mind boggling feat in this vast universe of mostly empty space. While that may be difficult to grasp as we are, stuffed in this tiny jewelry box we call Earth, that does not make any one of us any less special in the grand scheme of things. And in this tiny but overflowing box of treasures, there is no gem that is quite like you. You managed against all odds to come into existence. That is AMAZING. Congratulations! Hard part is already done. Now go shine!
#ted talk#Kat talk?#important note though! Age does not always equal wisdom! I'm still figuring it out as I go too haha#but if it helps even one person then it will be worth it!#q&a#life advice#from a little old girl#sorry anon it took so long for me to respond#life has been busy
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â.・.:* pairing: asshole ceo!hyuka x assistant!reader
â.・.:* warnings & other : enemies to less hated enemies/lovers, kai is an asshole, very mean, reader is nonchalant, sub!reader, softdom!kai but like meandom aura idk how to explain it, reader lowkey likes kai but like hell no that's ur boss!, unless..., idk if i will ever expand on this concept but fhwuwe i just love the thought of mean CEO kai, im back just for this ig
â.・.:* wc : âŚ
you hum to yourself quietly, picking up a white collared shirt that you believe best fits the vibe of the upcoming business meeting.
"what do you think of this one?" you ask calmly. you watch silently as your boss glances up briefly from his phone to look at the attire you've chosen. he cranes his neck back and forth before groaning dramatically.
"i hate it."
you stare at him with a neutral expression on your face as he goes back to gluing his eyes to his phone as if whatever he was doing on there was more important than the task at hand. "that's the fifth one today sir," you speak up.
there's not a hint of mockery in your tone whatsoever. you're just doing your job after all. was it easy? hell no. however, you weren't about to let this stuck up brat get you out of line.
you were used to kai's constant demands. as his secretary and right hand women it's only normal for you to be able to deal with whatever bullshit was thrown your way. you were tougher than he gave you credit for and he had never acknowledged it but you were the only one who had stuck around.
the thing was, kai was used to getting everything he wanted but that all halted once you became his assistant.
normally he could get anything and anyone no matter what. the latest car or prettiest girl to play around with, you name it. he had a habit of fucking around with his assistants until you showed up. the moment you stepped into his office for the interview you were already on his hit list. thankfully you had a friend who worked here already so you knew of his advances towards the woman he worked with.
"its a good thing you're pretty, we'll look good standing next to each other," he had quipped once you sat down. you had held a straight face and answered plainly, not giving in to his advances.
"with all due respect sir, im here to work, not be a trophy on a wall to you." you still remember the way scoffed at you. as if to say, "we'll see". you can tell he didn't like that one bit.
sure, he had hired you despite the rudeness you gave him on the first encounter, why wouldn't he? your resume was impressive. long list of amazing companies he rivaled with in the past and you were smart. sure, he cared about all that in the grand scheme of things but he mainly hired you because you were his type. however, he kept you on a tight leash. metaphorically but he wouldn't be opposed if it were literal. he knew you weren't the type to condone his flirtatious advances and he hated that so he made your life a living hell in return.
no longer was he the boss who occasionally flirted with you and held the door open whenever you were running late. no. he had turned into somewhat of a tyrant, throwing fits over you not liking him in that way and penalizing you for even being just a second late. everyone in the office knew it was never a good day for you if you had to physically be around him.
he sighs, throwing his phone haphazardly on his bed. he rubs his face with his hands as if he's trying to cool himself off from exploding at you. you put the shirt down on the chair closest to the walk in closet, preparing for whatever he has to say to you.
"y/n-" he pauses to look up at you. his blonde hair is strewn all over the place and he has a bored expression. his eyes are narrowed and the way he's looking at you should make you feel small but it doesn't work. at least not outwardly. you'd be lying if you said the way he looked at you didn't make you throb a bit. but you couldn't and wouldn't ever let him win. you didn't care if he was nice or mean to you.
right now though, he's clearly masking the irritation in his eyes with a neutral face.
"i give you the keys to my very expensive, very lavish house not so you can chastise me about my fashion choices and my likes and dislikes but so that you can do your goddamn job and choose the best option for me."
"if i knew what i wanted to fucking wear i wouldn't have hired you in the first place don't you think?" he finishes. you raise your eyes row when he curses at you but remain silent.
he must've really been in a bad mood to curse at you because you don't think he's ever done that. he was mean but never to the point of swearing at you. that's how you knew today he wasn't having it.
he walks up to your still figure at the front of the closet. you're significantly shorter than him which he uses as a way to assert his dominance. he holds your jaw and inspects your face. he hates that you have such an indifferent expression on your face, you swear you see his eye twitch a bit.
"i hate that stupid look on your face," he mutters. "i curse at you and you don't even flinch, i flirt with you and you turn me down.. what do i do to break you?" he asks more to himself than you.
he holds that position for a while, waiting for anything, any sign that will help him out in this situation. you purse your lips because you know exactly what he's waiting for.
an invitation.
"im just here to do my job kai. i don't want to fool around with you." you say. "no matter how you are," you say to yourself. you hope your voice isn't faltering because kai has always respected your personal space but now he's all in your face. "are you serious? you're telling me you haven't thought of me fucking the mess out of you not even once. i mean.." he glances at his king bed for a second. "we're in my room right now, don't be so crass, its offensive.." he smiles a bit at his own intentions.
you hold your stare to the best of your abilities although the wetness that's pooling in your underwear is telling you to just give in. sure, he's your boss, your hot boss who has mentioned time and time again how badly he craves you, so what harm is it?
before you almost let your pussy do the thinking, suddenly you remember the fact that he only wants you just to say he broke you. it was almost like a game to him and you were the prize. you definitely weren't gonna let him win.
you clear your throat, trying to pull away from his grasp. "your meeting will be soon can we please get you dressed?" you say it with so much monotonous that it causes kai to blow another short fuse.
with a light shove he removes his hands from your jaw and sighs heavily. "the day i fuck the indifference out of you will be the day this whole building hears my name," he says to himself as if already imagining how it'll go down. "but it's ok, i suppose i can keep playing this game."
he turns around to look at you still standing stupidly near the closet.
"although im not sure how much longer im willing to play."
#txt imagines#txt scenarios#txt reactions#drabble#angst#hueningkai imagines#hueningkai angst#hueningkai x reader#hueningkai drabble#hueningkai fic#txt angst#tomorrow x together imagines#txt fluff#hueningkai drabbles#txt headcannons#smut#txt smut#hueningkai smut
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If it's true, even if it's not true at this point, how Red Bull treated Daniel is FAR worse than what McLaren did to him. This isn't a simple case of "if you don't perform, you're out," this is manipulation and hostility and cruelty. If it was a "normal" job, there would be a lawsuit over the treatment. It's not about losing the seat, it's about the horrific way it's been handled.
And none of it makes sense. It probably never will. We're never going to know why they've put him through this hell for absolutely zero gain.
Even if you're not a fan of Daniel, what has been done to him is not normal. It's not like Logan or Nyck or whoever else you want to bring up. Those were guys who in the grand scheme of things haven't left a huge mark on Formula 1, objectively speaking, and their situations were completely different. Daniel has been an ambassador for the sport far above and beyond most others and is, without hyperbole, at the root of its explosion in popularity. Daniel Ricciardo is important to Formula 1 in ways that transcend the racing itself, and for this to happen to him is inexcusable.
Nobody should be put through a situation like this the way Daniel's been. It's not normal. It can't become normal.
And as I've said, before you decide to pile on the cruelty to him or his fans, remember that this can be your driver one day. If we normalize this type of treatment, there's a good chance it will be.
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sea â @rosekillermicrofic â 234 wordsÂ
One of Evanâs favourite places in the world is the beach. The gentle crash of waves against the shore lulls him, and he lets his mind wander. Looking at the horizon, he remembers just how small they are in the grand scheme of things. Nothing truly matters other than being happy, lifeâs too short to worry.Â
âYou okay?â Barty asks.Â
Evan invited Barty, the one person he has told exactly what this place means to him, and are watching the remnants of the sunset they just watched, the sky slowly fading into black.Â
âYeah, Iâm just thinking.âÂ
âOoh, dangerous,â he jokes.Â
âPiss off.â Evan shoves his shoulder.Â
âBut youâre okay though?â he repeats a bit more seriously.Â
Evan smiles softly, something he rarely does. âIâm okay.â Bartyâs eyes look him up and down, assessing, before he smirks devilishly. âNo, Iâm not okay. Whatever you are thinking, donât.âÂ
âToo late, Rosie,â Barty takes a step towards him. âYou know nothing can change my mind when I want to do something.âÂ
âWhat do you want to do?â he asks sceptically.Â
âRace you to the sea.âÂ
Barty starts running and Evan catches up. Soon enough they are feeling the cool water against their skin, and Barty splashes some at Evan, who reciprocates. They laugh until their cheeks hurt and swim until their skin wrinkles. Itâs just him and Barty in the world. Everything else is not important.Â
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Ęá´É˘Ęá´á´
featuring: jujutsusorcerer!nanami, curse!reader, angst, breaking up. synopsis: life is too short to hold yourself back. you force a certain uptight sorcerer to learn the hard way. masterlist
nanami likes to think he has no regrets. he tells the students that he'd never had a lover, not one that lasted very long anyway. he tells anyone who asked that he is too busy in his job to date.
too busy to date a normal person outside his job, he means.
in other words, nanami likes to forget he likes a curse.
you're sitting on his couch, folding his shirts fresh from the laundry. "kento-kun!"
nanami likes to think he turns away. likes to think he goes to the kitchen to prepare his dull blade to kill you, but, recently, he's learnt that he's a liar.
you tiptoe over, examining how he runs his knife under tap water to clean off the curse residue. you had reacted better than he thought you would when you learnt he exorcised curses, probably because you were a mediocre curse yourself, not involved in the grand scheme of things.
you peer curiously over his shoulder. "that's your weapon?"
he lifts it up purposefully close to show you, but instead of shrinking away, your hands attach to its sides, gracing the cloth gently.
"woah..."
he stills. when he begins chopping up the vegetables, you're right by his side, helping him cook with rapid skill.
"careful. don't add too much salt in," he says, an uneasy monotone gracing your ears.
he doesn't look at you.
you pause on the salt, staring at him. "is something wrong?"
a flashback zips through his head, of a dying colleague, of a growing curse. mostly holding himself back, nanami lets out a long exhale. he shakes his head.
"no. i'm alright."
the atmosphere is tense under your scrutiny, probably because, for you, he would taste better than any human dish might. truthfully speaking, you only eat his food out of politesse.
'liar,' you whisper into his ear, glaring at him with an infinite amount of human hurt. "don't lie to me."
you know as well as he does.
nanami likes to think his heart doesn't clench when you reach out to hold his hand, your skin that reminiscent of that terrifying rubber feel he's constantly associated with death. you pause when he flinches away.
"nanami?"
kill them. that's your job, it's what you must do. kill them.
he murmurs lowly, "i think it's time for you to leave."
you take a step back. he doesn't move. you wait for him to chase after you while receding from him, two steps at a time.
nanami likes to think he's a serious man. likes to think he knows what's right for him and others at the most important incidences. but strip away the guise of having it all together and he realises what's most human about him is slipping through between his fingers: you.
watching you, nanami cannot think.
he's stalking towards you towards the exit. you've turned your back on him. his heartbeat tremors.
"wait-"
your voice is empty when you respond- is this what he'll remember you by?
"what, nanami?"
would nanami force you to stay? he's always been selfish in keeping you at his place, treasuring the heartfelt words, midnight slow dances, pretending the outside world didn't exist. the world which draws a distinct line between humans and curses. good and evil. but now, now nanami has to choose.
"don't go." he croaks. pathetic.
you stand there, head lowered. "why? what even am i to you?"
curse or human?
the words taste bitter in his mouth, crawling to the tip of his tongue. speak! kento, what are you doing?! speak! and in the ideal world, he says them, right there, held in your molten gaze. those three words would have you rushing back into his arms, ready to start anew. it would read like a fairy-tale.
he would be happy.
yet earth is a hell that confines him. he cannot force himself to take another step forward. you cannot force yourself to take another step back.
this is what would've always happened.
in a split second decision, you put on your shoes.
"forget me, kento," you breathe. let's pretend this never happened. "i know you hate curses getting stronger."
you cross the threshold of his door. the fantasy dissipates.
when he opens the door again, nanami looks down the corridor of his apartment complex and sees no one.
not even the curse of regret.
#nanami x reader#nanami kento#jjk#jujutsu kaisen#jjk x reader#jjk nanami#jujutsu nanami#nanami angst#jujutsu kaisen x reader#jjk angst#jujutsu kaisen angst#nanami#kento nanami
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 Pick a Pile: Nature Messages
Disclaimer: In this PAP I'm reading my homemade nature-based oracle with tarot and other oracle decks. Thereâs general messages and advice. Readings are not replacements for professional advice! Take what confirms you and leave what confuses you.
pile 1 â.ŕłŕż pile 2 pile 3 â.ŕłŕż pile 4
á¨â
Pile 1:
Rushing Water
[Healing (King of Emotion), Receptivity (Queen of Emotion), Uncertainty]
Hi pile 1! This pile has gone through a major healing period, or you might be in the tail-end of it. This could have been intense or fastâlike a whirlwind of purged emotions and memories. Mental energy that was stagnant for a long time was suddenly swept away, and not painlessly. Now youâre a clean slate. You understood the importance of exfoliating these old mindsets, and thereâs an inner child ready to look at everything with wonder again. Roles you have been forced to play dissipate. You can decide who you are instead of only reacting to an idea of yourself. Thereâs a sense of starting again and freshly taking in the world.
Beauty
[Experiencing, You Canât Go Back to Yesterday, Ordinariness]
You have opportunities to appreciate the moment. You might be leaving a door open for things from the past, or you feel anxious about where to start with your new self. Be in the present! The beauty of life is coming through the routine and mundaneâappreciating existence even when nothing big is happening. Finding joy in just being and the small things can help rebuild yourself. Appreciation will help you feel more connected and aware in the grand scheme of things. But, itâs harder to be open to this beauty if youâre still holding old expectations over yourself. Physical activities rather than mental ones may be especially helpful at this time, such as walking or gardening.Â
Cactus
[The Tower rx, Impossible Things rx, Achievement (Sun in Capricorn, 10th house)]
Your defenses are up. Many of you have constant worry as a backdrop to everything. Youâre waiting for something big to happen or to blow up in your face. Some are waiting for a dead situation to revive and putting your defenses up to everything else. Part of healing is trusting yourself to manage even when you donât have all the facts. Waiting for something to happen can function as a way to ignore your present life or procrastinate, and you might end up ignoring lovely things. Thereâs irony here, having skepticism about good possibilities but not being skeptical about the worst possibilities. Not every day can be a tower moment. Many days are regular and will slip into time, which is why the opportunity to experience and steer it now can be a gift. Remembering this will create a strong foundation for later.
AdviceâBonfire
[Consciousness (Ace of Mind), Nothingness, 7 of cups]
The only mental suit in your reading is in your advice, and it emphasizes not overthinking. Awareness is needed to find yourself underneath your stressors, otherwise you may treat those as inherent parts of your character and life. This awareness can be found in joys of the mundane, letting your inner child out, and celebrating. Do things that bring you out of your head and into the physical. Or, activities that join reflection with sensory experience, such as meditating with candles & incense. Donât waste your new self seeking those who can only accept past versions of you. If being present means taking more time with just yourself, thatâs okay. Purposeful alone time is very helpful right now, especially during night if you can make time. You have a vast abundance of potential in and around you that can sprout anything, but you wonât truly understand or appreciate the extent of this if you donât live it. Slow down and appreciate the warmth thatâs already available. Also, donât beat yourself up for progressing slower.Â
Extra Details: coastal areas (coves or hills, golden sand), the beach at night, yellow stars (star shaped lamp?), working with friends/partner (especially if you left), The Office, gratitude practices (affirmations, journaling, etc), greatly increased intuition, or increased feelings of connection to Source/God/Higher Self/etcâyou felt the connection was strained before? Thereâs awareness of something bigger than yourself, even your emotions or soul. xxxHolic, healing heart & throat energies, blue, water Sun & Moon, water N. Node (especially Cancer), Venus dominant, Venus-Moon natal aspect, heavy Cancer placements, feeling hopeful about career/finances or taking steps in that area (even slowly), trees/tree-hugging, taking care of plants, feeling like youâre given or gifted things & opportunities (but maybe you donât care for whatever these are lol), shooting stars/meteor showers, comets, making a wish (or you feel very hopeful at this time), starting a new solo project or career, waiting for an ex (partner or friend), deer in headlights, lotus, feeling alone especially at night (you may want to try setting aside peaceful time if youâre usually busy at night or do something to purposefully wind down). If you were already drawn to pile 3 it may resonate
á¨â
Pile 2:
Hope
[Innocence, Nothingness, Awareness]
Hello pile 2! There's a very new and wonder-filled energy. An old version of yourself is dying so to speak, and youâre entering a different headspace. You might feel like a kid again, or life is prompting you to give your inner child power. Some of you are worried that means making bad decisions or indulging in things you shouldnât? But this is about the innocence in your inner childâs perspectiveâand you still have knowledge and experience to express this part of yourself wisely.
With Nothingness + Awareness, I feel youâre already embodying this, but some of you have anxiety thatâs stopping your enjoyment and hope. There may be shame with past relationships. Like how you may have gotten used, or youâre angry at yourself for things you didnât notice. This is a good time to revisit activities and places you loved in your childhood. They can help integrate the experience you gained with your inner child. Time alone with yourself and nostalgia, becoming reacquainted with yourself & life (finding healthy ways to engage with nostalgia is important for you). Things that were blinding you have passed and you've been made anew. Lay down the last self-judgements so you can be fully aware of lifeâs present potential. If you already felt drawn to pile one, this âclean-slateâ vibe and huge energy of potential is very similar. Or, you might have friends that embody the energy of pile one.
Organization
[Friendliness, Manipulation (Jupiter in Scorpio, 8th house), All in the Golden Afternoon]
In terms of divine timing, there's a time and place for everything. What doesnât make sense now may be a key piece of a puzzle later or an important shift. Many of you are having a faith or emotional crisis. You may feel strained with the grand scheme of things or a higher power, wondering why things happen the way they do. This is linked to that clean-slate energy, as this transformation of self/beliefs is having a profound impact on your inner world. These strong emotions (especially if youâre angry or indignant) can fuel your investigation of life, your new beliefs, and in creating.
You could be experiencing things emotionally & spiritually you never have before, especially in relation to a major loss in the last 6-9 months. Some of you got some blessing or achievement related to this time and you may feel conflicted about it. Regardless, balancing socializing with alone time is important for you. Interacting with others will help you make sense of the world, can inspire you, and can also help you work through grief both of you may be experiencing. The phrase âchecking inâ comes to mind; both you and your loved ones can benefit from being more there for each other. This doesnât extend to people who no longer have a healthy space in your life. Some of you are punishing yourself or caging yourself in loneliness by not seeking healthy social interaction. Intentional alone time is good, but not as a way to punish yourself.
Underwater
[Clinging to the Past, Keep Your Temper, Discovery (Mercury in Sagittarius, 9th house)]
Positive outlets for emotions and restlessness are very important. Strong emotions have come out twice. You may feel like youâre drowning in feelings or confusion. You could have an explosive or blinding temper right now that youâre suppressing. Thereâs anxiety & fear about how fast or strangely things are moving in your lifeâespecially if any kind of intuition, spiritual practice, or similar things have developed. But the fear you feel is not reflective of your abilities. Loss, change, and learning curves ARE scary. I keep getting this self-punishment or self-âinflammatoryâ (?) vibe. Like when too much emotion or confusion builds up, you become your own target (especially in anger). Your emotional capacity is not the enemy. Always seek professional emotional help or stress management if you need it; donât take it out on yourself when life is hard. Your emotions are powerful when directed into something non-destructive. Thatâs easier said than done, but the bottom row of your reading really emphasizes self-discoveries, creative ideas, and new perspectives your emotions can lead you to. Healthy ways to manage your explosive side will help you tap into this. For example, travel keeps coming up. Going somewhere to clear your head and get away from stifling energy could help, especially if you can travel somewhere special to you. Even going to a new place locally can shift energy. A lot of you are experiencing this because of grief or because rapid changes are pushing you to the familiarity of the past. You may look at past people with rose-tinted glasses or long for innocent times. This can be another form of self-punishmentâmaking yourself obsess over what once was (or never was) instead of loving present you. You are braver than you let yourself feel.
AdviceâDecay
[Impulsiveness (Mars in Aries, 1st house), the Lovers rx, Page of Swords rx]
Thereâs an important ending; this could be part of the grief mentioned if youâre now trying to feel alive again. Youâre clinging to something thatâs gone or leaving, and this is fanning the flames of emotion. All things naturally reach endings, and there's more on the other side of the transformation. What steps can you take that signify a new mindset? It can be as simple as trying a new activity.
I am picking up a lot about communication with another. Maybe a relationship is coming to a close or not on good terms, or youâve been thinking about communicating with someone from the past. Maintain a wide and objective perspective; very high emotions may cloud your communication skills. Itâs not so much about regret, but you may not be satisfied if you speak while upset. For those that resonated with this, you may also resonate with the message below (I channeled it before I wrote this part).
Specific message: please be careful of overindulging, especially drinking! This message is so important, it came through in my dream before I pulled your cards. Your guides or whatever forces you believe in are really, really wanting me to stress about not overdoing it in this department, especially if you tend to think youâre more sober than you are, or go from 0 to 100? Be very aware of your pacing because thereâs something about easily going overboard without realizing, and potential communication in regards to that such as drunk confessions. This is 200% so if youâre hosting or going to a party/get-together, or socially drinking. If youâve been drinking more this is fueling your past regrets and nostalgia.
Extra Details: restless/excited energy (& anticipation/anxiety), transitory period, anxiety in your chest, blocked heart/throat/third eye energy (may feel an imagination block; journaling can help). Great Red Spot, starfish, suddenly feeling very intuitive, confused about spiritual/religious beliefs, Jupiter as an important natal planet, Sagittarius + Scorpio placements, fire Moon and Mars, water & fire as dominant elements in inner planets & Jupiter, death of someone that changed your life but you werenât close or on good terms (already happened), rehab, wanting to host a party/get-together, angry or confused with God/universe, putting on an "okay" attitude for othersâ sake, nostalgic dreams, feeling stagnant, questioning or leaving a music career (singing, gospel/spiritual music?), veggie tales?, gardening (maybe in childhood), wanting to break no communication or text an ex/new crush, finding online communities, âAre We Moving Too Fast?â by Malibu 92, feeling like youâre in a dream/ infatuated with a dream version of someone, love songs, Kyoukai no Kanata
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Pile 3:
Changing of the Seasons
[The Lovers, Abundance (King of Material), Sharing (Queen of Action)]
Hi pile 3! You guys are embodying a new energy much like the other piles. Your cards show having so much to be shared. With the King of the physical suit, this is likely material blessings. Some of you have been struggling with past regret/vendettas, and deciding to move on has shifted the energy. Or, some of you are starting a new faith? This is a very fulfilling time and it reminds me of Summer, with all the abundance and âsunshine-yâ energy (maybe a significant season for you). Wholeheartedly embrace however this manifests; matching the effort from the Universe/higher power/etc will increase your success (I also heard âmanifold;â there could be many things happening at once).
Let go of lack, scarcity, and insecure mindsets; thereâs enough to go around. This Lovers card speaks of how people mirror each other and how love evolves into compassion. Embracing compassionâand trusting that itâs okay to feel safety and joyâwill allow abundance to overflow. This can even just be uplifting yourself and those around you with positivity. This extends into your community, uplifting the âvillageâ. It goes the other way too. If people would like to support you in a healthy way, let them! Donât be afraid of people expressing their love to you as assistance. Effort from you OR those in union with you will help increase good things that are already going (like how the land grows fruit regardless, but farmers can multiply it drastically). Seasons come and go so make the most of a fruitful one!
If your success/wellbeing is heavily tied to someone close, this could be a great time for both of you. The increases one of you experiences will be very positively mirrored or appreciated by the other, especially for happily married people. You may want to share more, help & be helped more by the other at this time.
Resourcefulness
[Ace of wands, 10 of wands sideways, Publicity (Jupiter in Leo, 5th house)]
Get your hands into the new opportunities life is throwing your way. Have a direct experience with life. This pile might use manifestation methods where you mostly sit back and allow it to come to you. Or thereâs a similar approach of watching + waiting, not really getting into things too much as you wait for whatâs meant for you to present itself. You might also always keep manifesting something, like even as your manifestations appear, you go after something else instead of interacting with it. Youâre highly encouraged to get INTO whatever life has to offer right now, to actively co-create and experience the world. I heard ârecognition;â that may be whatâs in store if you exert effort. How can you make the most of the present, the fertile ground? Idk why thereâs so many farming metaphors but they represent your situation, how the âlandâ/life is there for you to work and multiply the natural blessings. Even in a shared blessing, you can make it work especially for youâif youâre willing to get your hands dirty (metaphorically, not promoting corruption or shady behavior lol). This could be work but it feels more like creativity, passion, faith.
Thereâs also something about working too hard with the 10 of wands sideways. Maybe youâre used to working and grinding hard all the time. These opportunities prompt you to view âhardâ work more creatively and openly. Especially if you've struggled materiallyâand maybe thatâs why some of you have passive manifesting styles. Adaptâas all nature must to make the most of the situationâdonât bring old approaches forward that donât serve the present. What helps you survive Winter may not be beneficial in Spring.
Faction
[3 of wands, Justice rx, Belong to Your Own Dream]
This seems like energy from someone around you rather than you. What Iâm getting is a group or partnership of people thatâs so heavily tied, something happening to one affects all. Someone around you has gone through a transformation thatâs changing the dynamic of a group. I heard âundercurrentsâ and âhidden,â so I think this isnât apparent yet. Not everybody knows about whatever this is, but itâs a shift that affects you. This could be you too since this is a group reading, but for most here I think not.
What I picked up is someone coming to terms with an identity or self-expression. I also picked up on power dynamic changes, so this could be someone getting materially blessed and it having a ripple effect. Below in the details, I picked up on a baptism which may be related. Thereâs literal baptisms, but it could also be someone feeling initiated into a new group, organization, or identity. Regardless, being heavily tied to others has responsibilities and consequences beyond our control. We sacrifice some freedom to share our compassion, ups and downs, the blessings too. Some people and blessings will ONLY be in our lives for a season, and some people are only a certain version of themselves for a season. Make the most of the present because the future is changing & moving, and staying in the past sacrifices what you currently have.
AdviceâAbundant Harvest
[Power (Moon in Scorpio, 8th house), Impossible Things, Exaltation (Moon in Taurus, 2nd house)]
Idk what to tell you because the whole reading really, really emphasizes that thereâs so much good stuff here to âreap the rewardsâ of đ. I know we talked about this all along but it came out again. Idk if you guys are very hesitant to accept good things or make the most of them and maybe this is why itâs being emphasized so much lol. I channeled a food forest that feeds the whole community for free, that may describe this energy for you and your people. Or, may describe your role soon.Â
Thereâs a message about having gone through a profound inner transformation, having ârepositionedâ yourself in the world. For example, some of you always viewed yourself as a servant and now youâve shed that? You may still do it, but youâre not only this one thing, and itâs in a way that empowers you. Thereâs something about relating to the world as yourself in a different, unique way, and this having a huge change on power dynamics. You may not outwardly appear this way, maybe others don't understand, but youâve empowered yourself greatly somehow, & if not this is a change to embody so you can reap the most of the blessings. I keep wanting to say reapâthereâs energy of good things already fruited, especially with this Moon exalted in Taurus. So much security + comfort is laid in your path right now, please tune into the version of yourself that can multiply BUT ALSO enjoy this!
Extra Details: nature as significant in your faith, promotion for someone in a duo/close group, forgiveness, homemaking (recently switched to/out of it because of changes in finances or beliefs), worship of a masculine + feminine deity (or recognizing feminine + masculine qualities in a gendered deity, or yourself), Cave In- Owl City, getting into nature + water, caves/coves, orange, beach towns, hopeful, end of a dark night of the soul, weddings/unions, Christianity, finding someone/ community with similar beliefs, baptisms, moving up in an organization, new clothing or style, shift in power/money in relationship, parable of the sower (the actual parable). Scrying, divining signs, charm casting. Coming out, changes to beliefs about gender expression & roles. Healing the relationship with a specific part of yourself. Going back to school or studying a new topic (astrology) (some of you want to go to a religious university?), legal situation ending (divorce, suing, etc). Dragging out your words. No longer thinking you need someone to survive or complete you, Single Ladies- Beyonce, moving on from toxicity into new partnership or friends. If you were already drawn to pile 1 or 4 they may resonate
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Pile 4:
Underground
[6 of cups, The Creator (King of Action), the Hanged Man rx]
Hi pile four! The first thing I heard is âsharing is productive, sharing is compassion.â A lot of you have been doing your own thing, developing yourselves or a project behind the scenes. Thereâs something about your life or inner landscape others are not privy to. Expressing yourselfâor sharing this part of yourself where appropriateâwill be âproductive,â I hear. You can also be an example of whatever it is. Maybe thereâs some knowledge, beliefs, or world perspective that could be a positive influence to those around you? You could feel like you have a mission to bring these ideas or something else to your community, but youâre not sure how to start. Showing people who you are through your self-expression, ideals, words, mannerisms, and how you interact with others can be just as impactful as explaining something. Your style may also have an impact if youâve changed it recently or if itâs different from those around you. Itâs important to do all this from a place of compassion for the best impact (I heard âbest outcomeâ & âbest product;â some of you are part of a project or group goal where this is relevant?). You are no longer only preaching at people or trying to get end results when you move with compassion & understanding. It also allows you to remain grounded when disagreements occur. Compassion is the point.
Nurturing
[the Fool sideways, I Want to Be a Queen rx, Judgement]:
You may have transformed very quickly or changed some fundamental beliefs, and now I hear you feel youâre on a different âmomentumâ and âspeedâ than those whoâve been in your life, especially those whoâve been around for a long time. Maybe you feel youâre outgrowing them. You could have lost interest in a project or relationship you invested in, or could be moving away. Thereâs conflicted feelings about a new lifestyle at the cost of the things left behind. This could refer to a childhood/past dream youâre unsure about pursuing.
Itâs not about picking the ârightâ thing, itâs about if youâre willing to nurture the energy and accept those consequences. Staying with the past, doing something new, being in the middleâeach has its own set of consequences you must face. Thereâs an emphasis on that with the judgment card next to the Hanged Man rxâwhatever you invest your energy + thoughts in, youâll experience what follows that choice. Some of you feel like youâre hiding from life by not moving forward or postponing something, but that's also a choice.
Old and new are inherently neither good nor bad; what are you willing and able to do to nurture the life you choose? Can you do this with compassion and discernment? Your life is your choice. That decision is only one part of a much larger picture: the life you continuously create (and what you choose to associate with). When you act with wisdom and discernment, you learn more about yourself, whatâs really calling for you and not an illusion. You can be honest with yourself, not only about what you want but what is right and good for you. Compassion allows you to create with love (including self love). It reinforces your ability to live honestly, in the momentâand not only do things for results.
Friends
[Two of wands rx, Going with the Flow (ace of emotions), You Are Rare and Free]
I know âfriendsâ is not necessarily nature-based, but itâs what came out. "Going with the flowâ talks about allowing yourself to be moved with life instead of fighting against it or staying stagnant. Again, many of you are holding onto something familiar or ignoring something to avoid change. This card talks about detaching from ego-based ideas and expectations. So many of your cards throughout the reading speak of looking back or nostalgiaâ6 of cups, 2 of wands rx, Hanged Man rx, even the Fool is not fully upright, but yet you have Judgment too. Judgment is a reminder that reckoning comes for everyone and everything; life continues even when we cling. Contemplate what you want and what action this entails. This pile is taking paths of most resistance; something youâre doing or thinking is making things complicated. It seems related to friends or family. Caring about them a lot is making the decision harder, or you might have some kind of investment/entanglement with them. Remember who YOU are and stick with that. You can enjoy and share with other people without it being at the expense of yourself. You arenât necessarily a people-pleaser, but you may hold yourself to what old versions of you wanted or thought. Itâs okay to change, itâs unavoidable. Fighting a change in yourself may feel easier than dealing with the effects, but is it really? You may avoid facing others, but youâll always have to face yourself.
You might really try to hold onto control (especially for timing) as a substitute for trusting yourself. Decisions and change feel so monumental because you donât know if you can make it through what comes afterwards. Build trust in yourself and applaud your skills that help you make it through day to day.
AdviceâPractices
[Defense (Mars in Taurus, 2nd house), Follow the White Rabbit rx, the Chariot rx, 8 of swords rx]
Set up little actions and routines that will help you make steps towards what's on your mind. Your cards suggest the goal, move, or decision youâre interested in might not see forward movement right now. You might feel like you meet resistance, but this might just be because you need to build a routine, discipline, or set of steps before you can see progress. This period is needed for the discord to clear in your mind. Thisâll be a time of mental transformations more than physical ones, but this is the foundation of the tangible changes later. This doesnât have to all be boring. I keep hearing âreverence;â blending spirituality with your goals will be very helpful. Or, anything that adds fun & peace to productivity. Example, time in nature (being outside at all) can be uplifting as well as brainstorming time.
Extra Details: freelancer, work that doesnât feel like a job (because you like it or itâs not traditional), thinking about life goals (large/collective ones like helping humanity), supervisor or manager (or similar group leader role), taking responsibility for power and influence you wield with others, fashion scene or niche artistic local community like DJing, culinary, food service, cooking shows, âthe time will pass anyway,â choosing between a childhood dream/community and a new one, unsure about medicine or another lucrative field. Walks or solo activities where you can sort your thoughts are very beneficial. Guilt about an ill/injured loved one (wanting to do something where you wonât be able to see them?), divination routine, There's a lot of emphasis on food as a passion or because you need to eat lots of fruits and veggies, tea (dandelion tea?), Kate Bush. If you already felt drawn to pile 1 it may resonate. If you already felt drawn to pile 3, the resourcefulness and faction sections specifically may resonate.
#channeled message#channeled reading#collective reading#pac#pick a pile#pick a card#tarot#intuitive reading#free tarot reading#oracle reading#tarot pac#pick a number#pick a picture#pick a reading#pick a deck#pick an image#free tarot#tarot reading#free oracle reading#pac reading
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Itâd be interesting to have the whole âkits die commonlyâ thing be important too. Like Bristle died a war hero and will be remembered, but rowankit was just another young death in the grand scheme of the clans, which means dovewing probably faced cats saying âoh that happens all the time, itâs just how life is out hereâ
so Ivypool trying to relate would probably set her off
There's also an angle here where it's clear that the other Clans are ready to brush off Rowankit's death as "just a sickly kit" when THEY had no losses. Like the whole world wants to treat her son like he was born doomed instead of a preventable tragedy.
TigerHeartstar was sounding this alarm for MONTHS before the epidemic hit. Everyone knew stocks were low, and they were rolling their eyes like it was a future problem. It was only when people got sick that they sent a patrol out to fetch catmint. There were so many moments where, if they'd treated the situation with the urgency it required, Rowankit would still be here.
But instead, her son is dead, and people try to tell her it's not a big deal because in like 40 cat years she can look foward to also being dead, so she can spend eternity with a permanent baby who will never have a chance to grow up.
It's like the only ones who actually understand Dovewing's grief is her family..... except Ivypool. And that should hurt.
So for BB,
I still need to wait for the ASC arc to wrap up before I rewrite it (S O O N) but, this whoooole situation is going to be a LOT crazier even with JUST the changes I made to BB!TBC.
In BB!TBC, Bristlefrost dies twice. First, she's executed by the Impostor early on for being in a relationship with Rootspring. Then, at the end of the arc, she dies knocking Ashfur out of heaven to burn him up in orbit. Both times, Ivypool failed to protect her daughter even when she'd vowed to do so.
I plan to use this SE as a major opportunity to get into Ivypool's head again, and explore how she's dealing with that. I've also been hanging onto an idea for a few months now; that Rosepetal will actually be Squirrelstar's first deputy, but die either on this mission, or during ASC.
I need a couple more books to come out before I start cooking, but the ingredients smell reaaaal nice right now.
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