#but it's also like.. this doesnt need to exist lol
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no disrespect to the guy who played aladdin in the 2019 remake but if i was jasmine and marwan kenzari as jafar proposed to me i'd just marry him, regardless of how 'evil' is was or whatevs
#personal#yes i have only just now watched that film lol#it was... aight lol#like some of the will smith genie jokes were kinda good (i liked the jams bit) and the costumes and dancing was gorgeous#but the cgi was... yikes#and i didnt think the songs were done well at all...#it wasnt the worst of the remakes ive watched (which is mulan btw)#but it's also like.. this doesnt need to exist lol#anyway uhhhhh merry christmas to those who celebrate/happy holidays or just general seasons greetings to everyone else
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still haven't moved on from zane in this episode (aka I hit tag limit again and am unhappy about it)
#alek insanity#not gonna main tag this but prepare for a tiny rant#home is actually really good zane characterization and its super cool to me how it holds up to this day#s1 characterization is very specific to me because the behaviors displayed by the ninja there (mostly) isnt bc thats how they really are but#its due to societal pressure. cole originally being more 'stone faced tough guy' -> 'down to earth' -> 'really sensible easy to talk to guy'#is because hes always been a sensitive guy... but he felt he couldnt express that true version of himself. thats the whole thing behind his#true potential. jay going from s1 -> s6 -> now is less of societal pressure and more teenager figuring himself out but it still applies. ish#seeing how much the ninja have changed or grown from then to now is amazing because back then they all wore masks. they didnt know each#other all that well. but theyve gained that comfortability with each other and also have grown and matured as people#some seasons / eps characterization for certain people im not a fan of (lloyds random misogyny arc in s13) but i mean the overall trend here#and then there is zane. zane in home was pretty dead on to how he behaves now (at least... when it comes to his faults?) and i dont want to#say people skim over that but i am the sf proclaimed n1 s1e2 fan and overthink every scene. zane's early characterization is some of my fav#for him period. he also goes through a ton of traumatic stuff and a ton of bad writing bouts but why he acts so 'weird' or 'distant' has#always been a thread sewn in. he changed so much he stayed the same in a way... if that makes sense. -> ohhh the ninja get mail and he#doesnt? oh he has no family? he quite literally walks away from that situation. oh the ninja are yelling in his face and asking whats wrong#with him? he literally walks away from that situation. he says its to follow the falcon but seeing how he apologized to them by not only#baking a ton of pies (cough... the food fight is what led to him leaving at first) but he also found them a whole entire new house.#zane is unable to truly value what he does for others. insert him in s11 saying he 'tried' to fufill his goal of protecting others.#everything he has ever done still isnt good enough. then the ninja tried to apologize and he didnt really... let them.#that one post about characters putting on facades and that facade being how people really see them. even in fandom. thats zane to me#the guy who lies about being upset and avoids his problems ran away after being yelled at? and he said he wasnt really mad? that is a lie!!#him being a ~360 when it comes to his character development is neat to me because he never hid behind a mask in the same way the others did#cole wanting to seem tough vs being really soft? kai wanting approval so bad he starts being selfish? kai isnt selfish usually!#he is self centered but that is a whole different thing. just wanting to fit in and breaking free of that. zane's true potential came in the#form of 'i finally know why i am not normal' instead of 'i will be my true self'. zane never pretended to not be weird#(instert book) states he literally didnt know why people got mad at him. he just existed and it was 'wrong'. the mask he hid behind was#avoidance. he was pretty open about how he actually was (most of the time). when he was upset he would audibly sigh and walk away lol#but for him saying he wasnt upset / saddened by the ninja... it felt like a moment of selflessness. if that makes sense. he blamed himself#for the monestary burning down. so he didnt deserve the apologies (ish) in the virtues of spinjitzu zane is shown as the generous one iirc#he puts the needs of others over his own. he will bear whatever burden he needs if others are happy. at that same time he doesnt allow
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this idea that some ppl seem 2 have of miguel being an insanely jealous/possessive person is so funny 2 me because i just cannot even fathom where it came from in the slightest, lol, like... one of his Whole Things is respecting individual autonomy, y/k-? nevermind he also just. canonically doesn't fucking act that way,.,. yeah, obviously people can draw different wrong conclusions from the source material but, like, that Does Require at least skimmin' the source material... .
#talking tag#spider-man 2099#spiderman 2099#miguel o'hara#he does Stupid Stuff in relationships bcuz he forgets Consequences exist but he respects his partners as Adults Separate From Him. jesus#''Cap Why Are You So Annoying About The Characterization Of Your Stupid 90s Spider-Man It Doesn't Even Matter''#SHUT UP IT MATTERS TO ME#LOOK dude LOOK it doesnt matter but it does matter too because i decided it matters to me and that is the only reason anything matters.#everybody puts their love in Something it's not like the stuff ever Runs Out unless it's forced.#also comic fans Love nitpicking over Characterization it's our enrichment bloodsport of choice#but that's really neither here nor there. anyways.#if youre one of the ppl who followed me specifically for The Sick SM2099 Facts or w/e lol. CANT stress enough them selfshippers r lying 2 u#it feels like im making the same post every four days but SERIOUSLY THEY ARE JUST MAKING SHIT UP THRU THEIR TEETH.#if you want to know more about miguel. READ SPIDER-MAN 2099 (1992). IT IS A GOOD COMIC BOOK. HE DOES NOT SHOW UP IN A LOT OF STUFF.#some characters you need to read forty books for but NOT for mig you literally just have to READ his SOLO ......#*books as in Different Runs. not individual issues.
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🍷
#im in such a bad and low mood :<#it's not just my period hormones 🥴#my wireless headphones worked fine all of yesterday and today when i wake up they're blinking#they're liked fucked up... i turn them off but they constantly turn themselves back on. when i connect them to my ipad they constantly#keep disconnecting and shutting off and turning on 🙃 it makes me so angry bc i need to wear them basically all the time#bc all the noise from neighbors and my family and outside is driving me crazy#but they just dont work anymore?? plus i cant afford new ones... esp now which brings me to my next point#bc of my mom having troubles w school and loans and work etc she was like yeah u guys might have to pay for me this summer so we'll be#proper poor 😄 she doesnt WANT that either but it just sucks bc i got $300 every month and i can barely afford anything as is#yeah so there is no chance of me buying new headphones until at least august or september ......#then im annoyed bc my sisters are passive aggressive 24/7 and hate my existence and my mom is depressed lol#and i have no one to talk to or be with. it's summer and i wanna do stuff but i just dont wanna do it alone lmao#and then im just sad bc of many things.....#also i hate myself bc im a loser failure piece of shit but like yeah that's normal for me to feel#i just hate everything and it's so hard to endure this lame ass existence skskskskks#why cant ANYTHING be good ever in my life??#i am garbage and im surrounded by bad things lmao... anyways can i just stop breathing now pls#and it's not just a 'tiny' thing like my headphones not working like it might seem to others#but when u live a life where NOTHING is good or NOTHING works everything just piles on#ppl dont seem to understand that normally bc most ppl have some good things in their lives#so they just cannot comprehend what it's like when nothing works on any level in your life lok#ofc im depressed ofc im angry and bitter and dejected. i have no good things or moments at all in my life. that tears u down#i mean ofc i could be living in an active warzone and that'd be .. pretty awful i can imagine. but yeah... my situation is still not ideal#like i mean i do actually try to practice gratitude of having a roof over my head my own room water in the pipes and food so i dont starve#i am thankful for that bc many ppl dont even have that#i still feel depressed tho <3#idk what im talking abt now i just feel SO bad and i have no one to talk to#i have nothing to do... no help no treatment... everyone hates me and wants me dead......#why should i fight when no one cares abt me anyway... well.. i mean i do wanna experience more nature but like idk#im just so exhausted... why cant i ever have smth good in my life that also dont go away after a short while lol
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omw to play emotional support for my mom disguised as ✨fun family bonding time✨ for the rest of the week <3333 there's something so deeply wrong with me uwu teehee
#and i still havent texted my friend back even tho she texted me a week ago and i told her ill text her back this week when i have the time#and i DO have the time. im just fucked in the head and the prospect of having a conversation with another person where i again#have to pretend im not at the very brink of a serious mental and emotional breakdown. is making me lose my fucking mind#ik she's having a bad time rn and she needs the reassurance and jesus fucking christ i tried i had two long conversations with her#that were allllll about her. only her. not a single word about me. that's fine. this is what people need in such moments right#to just get patted on the head and hugged and told their suffering is real and what happened to them is unfair and just made to feel#that for a moment they're the centre of attention and it is all about them. this is normal. this is why therapy exists.#so i try to give this to her but it is fucking draining. and i NEVER get the same treatment back. like she caught me crying at uni last week#and like yes she'll say some nice things but she'll always find a way to turn the conversation back on the topic of ✨her✨#like we started talking about my therapy and i finally got to actually say a word or two about what im dealing with. but then she goes#'yeah im just trying to figure out what's wrong with me when i listen to you haha like i could never cut myself cause it looks ugly.#ofc it doesnt look ugly on you haha but i could never lol'#like thanks haha good to know ill just shut up then and steer the conversation back onto you why dont i. i mean its not like#i spent over an hour a few days back sitting with you and listening to your talk about your childhood and validating you and not saying#a word a single fucking word about myself even tho i was also going through it myself but who cares right. and now im the bad guy again#because im not texting back.#i feel like im finally fucking snapping cause at this point im properly fucking angry. IM having a bad time too. IM going through it too.#I have bad coping skills and had a fucked up childhood and traumas in my life TOO and im allowed to just not be able to handle it#i really wanna break something lol maybe therapy's working after all lmao#oh also this is why i dont eat breakfast. i do it once and then feel guilty and suicidal lol normal behaviour#pojebie mnie zaraz przysięgam na boga mam dość kurwa BASTA
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Part of me is like 'I've been a student for so long, how am I gonna handle being Not A Student..!??!' In terms of like. Self perception, I guess.
I think my psyche is already raring for it tho. Here I am daydreaming looking at house listings and writing a damned baby au bc my brain has decided I kinda want one of those, too.
I'll still always be a mega nerd. But fuck dude. I guess I'm an adult, too.
#speculation nation#not that students arent adults. technically ive been an adult for 9 years.#but when ur a young student it doesnt Feel like ur an adult... not really.#now that im genuinely interested in more 'adult' things it has me going like. Huh. duly noted.#like i kinda just rly wanna settle down. yknow?#wanna find a longterm partner if i can. someone who'd be open to raising kids with me. bc thats apparently smth i want.#i Do want kids. even if im undecided whether id prefer adoption or not.#so i need to find someone who'd be open to that too. and also would be open to living in indiana. bc i dont want to leave here.#just. Sigh. somewhere along the years ive ended up being like. a genuine adult.#i do still need to get my license lol. i need to reach out to my cousin about that again soon#once things calm down a bit more with school. ive been dealing with Too Many Deadlines...#ultimately. idk. just looking to the future i guess. i Am an adult. and im gonna have to fully accept that at some point.#for now tho... one more year of interacting with 18-22 year olds and pretending im Totally just one of them.#i mean. i am. but also it's less common for older students to exist in general.#but i do have the benefit of a baby face lol. none of them expect me to be 27. and that works just fine for me.#i just dont feel like having that conversation over and over and over again 😭😭😭
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btw similar to the whole "if you try adderall at a party and it calms you down, get an adhd test" thing, if at some point in your life you try microdosing shrooms with a friend and end up feeling like a functional person for the first time in your life, get tested for depression. like yeah hallucinogens come with elation so youre probably gonna have some "this is the best ive ever felt in my life" vibes regardless, but like. if that in and of itself feels like finally breathing in for the first time in years, thats for sure a sign that something is up with your ability to process serotonin most of the time. feeling better than ever before should be a nice bonus, not a crushing weight off your chest
#fun fact there are currently multiple ongoing studies vis a vis the effectiveness of psilocybin on depression#both on its own and as a companion to ssris#psylocybin targets the 5ht2a serotonin receptors which wikipedia tells me are more numerous in the brains of those with depression#so like. if you spend most of your life feeling like your brain is an aquarium with a leak in it and serotonin is the water and your default#state is 'slightly damp gravel grinding painfully against itself' thats ummm not normal 👍#and on the flipside of that if you have depression that no other med has worked for and know a guy. its 1000% worth it#origibberish#also i say 'wikipedia tells me' as if i just looked it up but that all comes from a long night of spite filled research after i asked my#psychiatrist if we could use the fact that psylocybin worked for me as a basis to like. narrow down which legal antidepressant#might work instead of basically just throwing darts at a board every time#and after several minutes explaining to her that i was not just asking her to prescribe me shrooms but in a legal way she went#'ohhhh yeah no unfortunately theres been no research into that‚ yeah.... sorry......:)'#which. as far as 'lies you come up with on the spot to avoid having to say i dont know' go‚ that is. maybe the worst one to pick#like. 'no‚ thats not an option'? alright fine maybe theres some internal rules or something who knows#'theres no research' though just. immediately tanks any and all credibility 100% even on its own but considering the subject matter?#youre telling me. that humans. the famously curious species that researches fucking Everything. and also Loves playing with drugs. when#trying to figure out how to make drugs that make brains feel good. would not start with the drugs they already knew made brains feel good.#youre telling me that not one (1) singular scientist tried shrooms and went 'oh my god wait. i dont feel like im dying for the first time#ever. holy fuck i need to study this'#complete misplay. absolutely legendary fumble. there were so many ways to fuck it up and somehow you found the worst. congratulations#om the other hand though. really was an excellent setup for the punchline that is the voicemail i have from them saying she'd been fired LOL#they didnt say what for specifically but yknow. based on my own experiences i certainly have theories jebfksbfk#it was annoying in the moment but at the end of the day i have shrooms and she doesnt have the job so. whos laughing now emily KSBFKSBFKDN#this is what i mean though like. rn i feel fine. not on top of the world‚ not like a god#just. fine. i just dont feel like shit. i feel like i can do stuff if i want to‚ or chill peacefully and have it actually be. relaxing.#i dont feel like gravel right now‚ i feel like a person.#and god what a fucking relief it is#really i guess the moral overall is that if at any point you react to trying a new drug the same way an addict craving a hit for days would#then there maybe is something up with your brain chemistry because that means your default state of existence is comparable to that#of withdrawal. a famously shit experience
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My coworker texted me "how's the skull" and my first thought was "what skull?? I'm not cleaning any skulls right now???"
Then I remembered my Concussion in My Own Damn Skull
Doin great.
#he joined ranks (unknowingly) with my mom and roommates in telling me to stay tf home tomorrow#but also im gonna lose my damn mind if im stuck just. existing with myself. for another day#i cant draw i cant run i cant hike i cant doomscroll i cant read for long periods im useless and miserable#my mental health has been FUCKED the past like. four days now?? i think sat it tanked but im not fact checking my memory rn#and now ive lost most of my coping mechanisms so thats fun#weve moved to energy drinks on the kitchen floor with angry music to regulate my emotions#doin great doin great#itll be fine i texted my friend and he doesnt mind me calling if i need some extra support#anyways#wish me luck with my morning routine tomorrow lol i dont wanna stay home again#idle rambling#vent
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Hey guys!! this is just my insane ramble on Still Waters Run Deep that's made by the lovely @un-local. I've had so so sooooo many thoughts about this fic and I decided to try and put it all coherently in a post :)
Probably not a lot of new insights, just many, many rambles
Magdalene analysis and her view on Rogier + some other stuff
Magdalene, at the start of the story, is aimless and refuses to follow any line of Grace, putting off whatever it leads to and going in the opposite direction. Yet Grace is fickle, and it all eventually converges, so she gives in. (aaaand a life-changing partnership ensues)
She wants out of the competition of becoming Elden Lord, and she wants nothing to do with it. Someone else to take lordship is what she wants. Magdalene, in her eyes, is not worthy to take the throne. But Rogier on the other hand…
Rogier is, quite literally, built different. He thinks differently compared to Magdalene (a STR vs INT user difference lol). He’s able to pick out all the details that she would miss. Be able to extrapolate and examine it all and be able to learn from it. Magdalene can't do that.
It's basically:
Rogier: says some fun facts about the most random thing in the room, saying all the history behind it, and what the tiny details could mean Magdalene: yeah, that's a rock.
So instead, she becomes a tool for Rogier to be able to use, because that's the least she can do for him.
“She can already feel the faint grin forming on her lips at the thought. She never wanted to be Elden Lord. She’d finally picked up and followed grace to... to get away, with no idea what it called her to do. When Melina told her where it led her, she felt only dread. But Rogier... To save Those Who Live in Death... Two birds, one stone. She meets his eyes, and doesn’t look away. In them, she doesn’t see pride, or avarice. She doesn't see a man who wants to rule the world. Not at all. The path forward is clear now.” -Chapter 22
For once, she really sees a light from the dark future she sees. She's hopeful that she won't have to take the throne, that Rogier can burden it instead of her. He's worthy in her eyes and because of that, she devotes herself to him with all she can do. (Ah but… I believe Rogier wants her to be Elden Lord? Not sure but her not wanting to be Elden Lord doesn’t quite fit with what he has planned)
Magdalene really holds onto Rogier, and his guidance (a comfort wizard, if you will). And so the idea that he won’t make it… that she’ll be left alone with Grace again, forced to join back into the competition for lordship... It's sickening to her. So she really clings to him, desperate to not be left alone with a destiny that she despises.
Magdalene is always pulled into different directions. Grace pulls her to one but she pulls herself to the opposite one. Fia and D are both on extreme sides of the spectrum on Rogier's survival, and Magdalene is caught right in the middle of it.
But for her, Rogier will survive, he has to survive otherwise... that light, that small hope she has will all fade into obscurity.
Ghosts from the past (Lorens and Ida)
I absolutely love how something, or rather, someone haunts both of them.
Lorens had been the catalyst of all of what Rogier does now. Why he’s so desperate to save those who live in death. He's literally devoted his body and mind to Lorens just to see him alive (maybe Rogier's devoting all of himself to finding a solution to death because he wants it to come back to the old times when it was just him and Lorens in the Rise, or maybe not!! I'm just rambling lol).
Every thought of Lorens is painted with a sort of bittersweetness to it. From Rogier's perspective, at the very least (I'm super curious as to how Lorens would view Rogier but we'll probably never get it because... you know...). He's almost obsessed with him, and it's all pretty unhealthy lol.
Magdalene, who’s haunted by Ida who's probably a sort of lover that hadn't been fully brought to fruition. Different opinions on what they have had made Magdalene leave with (from what I have seen at least, we have scrapes of her, people! I can't wait to see more of Ida though)
Now with Ida... Magdalene absolutely shakes herself out of every thought she has about Ida. Spurning every single thought or imagination she has of that woman.
"Nausea comes in waves. Fever. She can feel delirium taking her—she’s convinced she’s submerged in the very waters of creation, for a while. She vividly feels herself sinking deeper and deeper into a current; cold and dark and inescapable. As it pulls her down, she’s overcome with the instinct to breathe it in— Against her temple she feels a hand, with gentle fingers dragging softly through her hair. Suddenly, every layer of the dream collapses in on itself, and she jolts awake with a gasp. Here, in Liurnia, she hauls herself up, rubbing at her face. Even the memory is a shock of cold water to her. She’s a woman haunted." -Chapter 23
(I just really love this part- I can't help it)
I think it's also really interesting how Magdalene leaves Ida due to their differences in what they have (?) while Rogier just absolutely hangs onto Lorens no matter what, despite him being... er... him. Not so sure about his personality with the small flashbacks we get of him but he’s probably not good for Rogier.
In short, Rogier venerates Lorens, while Magdalene absolutely rejects Ida. (Opposites!)
Rogier’s overthinking
Also found it interesting that when Rogier thinks he really thinks. He's a professional overthinker, even in the past
"He thinks of the labyrinthian etiquette, the way he’d triple-check every sentence for a double meaning. The secrets, the ruthless political schemes. It all felt like a spider’s web to him. He’d learned the game, and he played it well, but it had been nothing but paranoia and misery for him. Just like it was for everyone else." -Chapter 17
It's what's kept him alive (Ch. 17), and what's been able to pave the way for his findings Yet, it’s also his curse. He tries to pick out every detail that he can and think of every possible reason or motivation. Every single outcome he just needs to know so that he won't get caught by surprise again. He needs to be in control of the situation, he needs to be the master of the chessboard.
Oh and once this guy spirals, he really spirals. He starts thinking and looking at details, rewinding every single thing, every interaction, and trying to label a reason for every little thing. Yet... something emotional seems to break the surface of the water.
I personally think that he was raised to overthink. He was a noble after all, and he dealt with politics. He truly needed to check, double check, triple check, every single sentence and word in case it would have a double meaning. "He’d learned the game, and he played it well" (Ch. 17) . Getting worse after Lorens' death, being fooled by "Only a cut." (Ch. 25) and seeing the aftermath of it.
He can't not do it because if he doesn't, and he gets surprised it would break him (or at the very least, freak him out).
ALSO!! Rogier hating on "saccharine conversations" (Ch. 17) good lord. This guy cannot be real with anyone. Rogier refuses to show vulnerability because:
1. He was raised like that (the whole attachment theory thing) 2. He will absolutely break if he does
Do you guys remember when Fia tells Magdalene that "dear Rogier began to weep as he spoke" (Ch.14)? Fia saw through Rogier's walls through the cracks and he just absolutely breaks down. (Get yourself a man who, after "embracing" tells you all about this thing he's obsessed about and then cries because of it)
It's a mortifying ordeal, that someone's able to see through the walls you've meticulously put up. It hits something deep within that he’s tried to bury.
Despite the walls he puts up people other than Fia see through them. Magdalene (Ch.7) was able to see through the small cracks that have broken, and Roderika... hoo she really hit a nerve didn’t she? (But it also hit one of her nerves too, Rogier vs Roderika am I right?)
Chapter 17 analysis
Also, while we’re on the topic of Roderika, let's talk about chapter 17! Seems I have a lot to talk about.
I absolutely love this chapter so much, it gives us so much insight into Rogier's backstory and the way he thinks. His noble background really shines through here, with how he acts with Roderika who is a fellow ex-noble too.
"His grin is wide and carefree, but it rather feels like he's baring his teeth. There’s no room for your pity here." -Chapter 17
This guy cannot accept any sign of sympathy/compassion with anyone. It's all pity to him, and he absolutely hates pity. Once Roderika starts to console him too it sickens him and it makes him bare his teeth like an animal, his baser instinct showing just a little bit.
He’s probably bore his teeth to other nobles in the court, or whatever meetings they have with one another. Small threats that get the message across by a vicious smile, is something he is all too familiar with.
I also think that it's a little bit funny how he gives advice to Roderika but then is also a little bit of a hypocrite about it
“It’s hard, to leave it behind. But the old world will keep its claws in you, if you let it.” -Chapter 17
Rogier while it's not his past life that he's stuck but rather, he is stuck on Lorens. Even though Rogier is no longer Lorens' student, even though Lorens is dead, he still has his claws on Rogier. It's his entire motivation, why he's in a "pathetic" state now. He isn't letting those claws go, he lets them dig deeper within him, and they dig in deep.
��You already have it within you," he says. "They were only trying to bury it.” -Chapter 17
Rogier immediately buries his own emotions in this interaction when Roderika tries to console him lol. Just based off of him being an ex-noble and his whole family thing, it's well established that he is very much used to burying it all down his gullet. I mean, is it really Rogier without emotional suppression?
Also Rogier tends to close off all the matters that relate to what he feels in his dialogue both in game and in SWRD. This guy cannot let out just a slight moment of vulnerability
A Color Theory Thing on my read on Rogier's garb:
Rogier, with his background being grounded in nobility has suppressed his baser desires in exchange for meaningless political schemes that have only brought him misery. Yet after coming to these lands, he finds himself with Lorens.
He wears a Raya Lucarian Robe and it has red on it. It's a sign of baser instincts being shown for once. He has grown an infatuation with Lorens despite being his student.
Yet, Rogier is still mostly blue, and he still suppresses that baser desire that he’s developed, that infatuation for Lorens. He never once builds up the courage to be able to tell Lorens what he feels. He would always bury those feelings down, and as a result he can't let go of it. It's far too deep to be buried back up.
But once Lorens has died, Rogier changes too.
He exchanges those garbs for yellow and turquoise (I think?). He's a mix of colors and beliefs.
He still has the blue in the turquoise, which symbolizes calm, intelligence, and emotional control (you can’t spell Rogier without emotional control) But turquoise isn't just blue, it also has green.
Green represents growth, life, and new beginnings. This is a new beginning for Rogier, who's set out for a new goal, to be able to save those who live in death (and perhaps give them life? Not so sure on that but in SWRD that seems to be the case with Lorens).
It's balanced by yellow. Creativity and originality, he's almost the only person we meet who wants to save TWLID. Not only that but yellow also symbolizes illness, which could be a foreshadowing of what happens to him later in his life.
It's not just sickness though, yellow also symbolizes deception. Rogier lies, but I necessarily think he's someone who is always deceptive. He's more like the type of guy who would lie so that an encounter would go well or not hurt someone else's feelings. I think he's like that from that whole ex-nobility thing he's got going on. Political schemes and lying through a smile is something that he's familiar with. (It also doesn't help that he keeps being emotionally suppressed too lol)
Cowardice is another. Rogier is scared to tell anyone about his emotions, to take that risk of being honest with someone. His background in nobility and his family definitely doesn't help either.
Rogier had been too scared to be true to Lorens and tell him his feelings, and because of that, he would never be able to. I feel like he's avoided it even more afterward. He refuses to take that jump of being honest with someone, whether it's about his emotions or his ideals, he doesn't let them go.
But when he does? With D, it completely breaks off everything they've had. Everything that they could have been.
"Beguiled fool. A rotten, sick bastard. Fouled by them. A wicked, two-faced user. Heartless. Loathsome parasite. How could he? Were they not supposed to set this crooked world straight? Profane. A perversion of honor. A madman." -Chapter 5
“Get out of my sight.” “I’m sorry.” He’d said, and he was. But Darian’s lips curled back, and he jerked his head away and locked his eyes on the horizon. His jaw twitched, in the moment he took to reply. “Don’t talk to me.” There was nothing he could do to fix this. To undo his mistakes, to spare Darian his intentions." -Chapter 5
It's all gone because he had been honest about his goals (presumably). This experience probably strengthened that emotional suppression so as to not be hurt/caught by surprise.
So when Magdalene, someone who wholeheartedly accepts his ideals and sees his side for once, he's cautious. He can't believe that someone can genuinely agree with him because all the times that he has been honest, he's been punished for it. (though, he reminds himself that she's not like that)
In short, this guy's a mixed bag. A mixed bag with problems
(basing this off of the Elden Ring color theory video, it was an absolute joy to watch)
[EDIT]: idk what to call this section but he seems to seek out some form of approval. Lets see how that ties in with his grief!
"He still doesn’t understand why. What did he do, specifically? Or was he just past his usefulness? Deemed unfit to rule? He never truly wanted to rule as Lord, but to be cast aside so indifferently—it had shaken him. Every now and then he fumbles with this, again and again, but he knows. He does. He knows that grace has forsaken him for good reason. He’s a heretic. An apostate. He who does not obediently bow before a faltering, decrepit Order, so ill-equipped to handle the world as it is. " -Chapter 5
"All these years. Couldn’t change a thing. Rather pathetic, I’d say—what a fool, thinking that this crooked world could be made right by mortal hands. Sure, deathblight. Truly, a fitting end for a worthless, rotten bastard." -Chapter 12
Now, speaking from some personal experience, being raised in a family that's of nobility and expects so much out of you from a young age definitely breeds some kind of self-worth issues that really stick with you. Especially if you haven't had anyone to truly support you.
Because of that, I believe that Rogier, in a way, is trying to prove his worth. But not to the Order, I think that he's in some way trying to please Lorens. Even in death.
He puts everything into his studies of Death, searching and scouring for scraps of information just to give him a single lead on anything, and for what?
"Its fulfillment will be a selfish act of altruism. These crooked lands will set right, by his hands, for a reward of nothing at all. But make no mistake: he needs another day. And another after that, and another after that. He needs his questions answered with questions, he needs his notes corrected in an unreadable hand, he needs to hear one more “Well—” followed by the most opaque, convoluted tangle of sentences ever constructed. There’s no reward he seeks, but the warm smile of cold gray eyes and a scoff about just what he’s wearing nowadays. " -Chapter 19
Rogier devotes himself to saving TWLID (saving Lorens, in reality), but it's not because it's all for selfless reasons, he seems to want things to go back to the way things used to be. Back at the Rise, with just him and Lorens once more.
I don't think Rogier ever accepted Lorens' death. He's determined to bring back Lorens, desperately trying to find a solution to bring him back no matter what.
And it’s quite hypocritical isnt it? That Rogier wants to change the Order to be able to sort of… revive Lorens from Death. To go back to the old times that they both had had.
This guy refuses to grieve and is searching (desperately) for a solution for a dead man who's probably not even good for him. Get this man some therapy
This entire post's summary is just me going:
Anyway, that's all for my crazy rambles! I can't wait to see how SWRD will progress, and how everyone will intermingle and grow with one another (Rogier and Mags)!!!! :0)
Have some doodles + a WIP that I'll probably never finish as a treat for reading this! (Mag's torso was wayyy too long on the second one oops)
(bonus boggart because I love him)
#not gonna talk about d yet#I don't want to assume too much about him just yet#but d is really interesting and i absolutely love this take on him and his grief :0) (not that I've read any other d fics.)#Rogier is so damn complicated#like. he's got so many problems like. dude get a grip and get a therapist#mags reel him back in and send him to the therapy office while ur at it#sorry if u guys cant understand my insanity... it cannot be contained#or else ill explode into pink glitter and my blood splattered all across the room#hhhh maybe ill edit this later i have to do some stuff :(#oh also unlocal if u do see this no pressure at all!! I just needed a place to be able to go crazy over ur fic lol#theres like. probably a lot I've missed but I'll make another one if I get insane again#some of this is probably incorrect and is just me reaching for an answer that doesnt exist btw#swrd#rogier#magdalene#envelope rambles#i wrote this in like. two sittings#what is happenign to me#I STILL RAMBLE IN TAGS YOU CANNOT STOP ME#the mortifying ordeal of posting#AAAA#uou guys i keep noticing things and. i just keep on fuckign ADDING MORE THINGS IN#[EDIT]: Added in rogier's self esteem into this too :3
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The Branwen bandits make absolutely no sense and every question I ask leads to more questions
Why do Raven and Vernal have advanced weapons while nearly every other member has basic traditional armory? Do they employ a hierarchy within the group? If so, how does one rise in rank? Is the competition brutal, perhaps even lethal?
How are Hunters a significant enough threat that its namesake twins went undercover at Beacon when they clearly steamroll over every obstacle pre-V5? Has Raven's reign made them stronger than her predecessor? How? Who came before Raven and why are they no longer around?
Why would Hunters be after a group of human bandits when their purpose is to fight Grimm? Is stopping man-made tragedy a part of the job because it prevents major Grimm attacks? How far would that authority reach? Would that clash with any local police force?
On a meta level, what do the bandits bring to the narrative? It would've been interesting to see an ideological clash between individualistic "survival of the fittest" and community-oriented "strength of bonds overcome all odds," but we didn't get that. Or we could've gotten some worldbuilding due to their unique nomadic nature outside the kingdoms' safe walls
Instead, the Branwen Bandits serve only a utilitarian purpose: bring Weiss and Yang together and send them to Ruby, house Raven until the finale, and be cannon fodder in a few action scenes
Yet another good idea poorly executed
#rwde#it doesnt even serve angst purposes for qrow bc its so vague and offscreen it might as well not exist#also im avoiding the word tribe bc i read a while back that it promotes negative stereotypes#iirc its bc white colonizers used it as a synonym for 'primitive savages' and using it still promotes that idea#the bandits dont seem to have any close relations w each other so i dont feel like clan works either but im not as sure on that one#ngl every time i hear clan my first thought is either the uchihas or warrior cats lmao#on an off note im wondering if im not receiving hate anons bc ive already blocked everyone who does that shit#almost wish there were notifications for how many blocked anons have tried to send messages lol#literally the closest ive gotten to anon hate was someone saying that the bees were better than violyn from arcade#they sent an lol after i responded so i highly doubt theyre someone who's gone after rwdesters w vitriol#anons send me hate instead of the others blogs pls i need a good laugh
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back on that owl house daemon au editing grind (ive been busy + writing other stuff so after editing one i sorta. stopped for a month or two lol) and. oh god i knew 2 was gonna be bad but its BAD yall. like not content-wise a lot of the actual writing + plot is totally fine and will stay but. i wrote this before i got into my grove of episode, inbetween, episode (ie 1 -> 1.5 -> 2) SO. THAT MEANS. THIS ENTIRE 30K THING IS GETTING SPLIT INTO 1.5 AND 2.....
and obvi i'll have to write a LOT bc the parts going into 1.5 and 2 are spread across the entire fic :) so uh. um. this is gonna be fun.
#chatter#and a grove of palistrom to you#lol once im done w arc one its gonna be smooth sailing#BUT THATS ASSUMING I SURVIVE ARC ONE--#anyways if you ever have wanted to ask about this au cause it'll be coming out within a month or two#i am sooooo down to procrastinate <3#at this point it doesnt even have to be about the story idc i'll talk about my writing process. anything#i dont...want...to do this....#two you are going to be the DEATH OF ME#also 2 is the worst of arc one cause the rest needs edits for luz/mari consistency for sure#BUT NOT I HAVE TO WRITE TWO NEW STORIES LOL#like 3.5 doesnt exist but i know what it has to be. oh and i guess 5 needs a bunch of stuff added but.#adding is way easier than having to chop up what exists and figure out what can stay#what is dropped#and all the new stuff i have to write to connect things#I LOVE THIS AU. I TRULY DO. BUT GOD EDITING IS SO ROUGH#this is why the last 500k+ word fic i wrote is never getting posted lol#i could Not edit all of that. only for you owl house daemon au
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Every now and then I replay the first episode of VLD and I wonder why I thought it be a good show lol
#mostly just the part where Allura is assigning pilots to lions#why lol. the first five people who show up are just perfect fits?? hate it lol#i have no au plot ideas but itd have made more sense to draw out the forming of voltron. like for a longer time. like its the s1 finale#and to be traveling looking for appropriate pilots#or the s2 finale? like what if the original gang somehow stayed in contact despite not being Voltron paladins and they proved being the best#team despite not piloting immediately. i feel like a stronger plot of their forming teamwork outside of being Voltron would have also made#their friendships seem more real too lmao#like what if Lance IS Blue's pilot bit hes the only one for a long time. the other lions couldn't actually *just be* located#*but. not bit. and what if Pidge runs off in a stolen vessel to find her dad and brother. what if Shiro isnt.. so flat as a character and is#desperate to find his old team and runs off with them to help out and free others#Keith could somehow get involved with The Blades a lot sooner#and Hunk finds his footing as a leader in rebellion organization. i hate that he was just the funny guy allll the way thru#also (still not a plot bc my brain is unorganized lol) Allura doesnt die. Shiro actually gets to be gay with a husband. and we either need#to not make Lotor a villain or just go all out on making him the worst. i personally dont want him to be a villain bc it was stupid lol#also PULEEEAASE Lance is bi. Lance “I'm just getting a feel for the stick” *obsessed with his rival who doesnt even know he exists* McClain#i want to see him get over his crush on Allura within like 6 episodes and then see him making out with the mermaids then Keith when everyone#starts reuniting lol. my bicon Lance deserves to kiss mermaids like we all do and then get on when the otp lol#now im nostalgic for s1 VLD vibes. ya know. before hell lol#it really just gets worse after ... s3? everyone feels different. i usually tolerate up to about the end of s3 before i feel like its donezo#aunt posting#vld#voltron: legendary defender
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imagining a billy & max role reversal au where billy is max's feral little brother who only loves one (1) person and it is his older sister who stepped in when no one else would
#rei rambles#stranger things#billy hargrove#max mayfield#like im thinking she didnt know at first but since billy's younger it's harder for him to hide it#when max gets confirmation in front of her one day--neil shoving him against the wall by his neck#for hanging with the wrong sorts of people--max steps in right away and ends up taking the beating.#they run away but eventually get caught and this is why neil moves them out to hawkins.#at first all they did was argue and yell at each other even as they were running away but billy saw that she not only cared#but unlike his mother she wasnt going to leave. in fact she was leaving her *own* mother for *billy*.#(the plan was to try to get the both of them to max's dad but they never got there.)#their road trip to hawkins is fraught but also has this tense sort of understanding of respect#and there exists a ride-or-die vibe to them that didnt exist before.#(btw max has a camaro bc she needed a car and took billy as some sort of parent-mandated bonding trip and billy chose the car.)#by the time all the upside down stuff happens billy's gotten to the point where he'd step in front of his dad's fists for max if he had to#like he used to do for his mother before she left. because he's starting to trust that max wont leave.#(also yes this is an au where the party is all teenagers and steve & co are the kids lol. el escapes as a teen and she's MUCH angrier.)#anyways this all leads to max with a baseball bat with nails in it in a junkyard and her tiny brother trying to get in between her and#a demodog lol. they yell at each other about it. billy is also the type to step in front of her when he doesnt trust someone and growl.#max is exasperated and annoyed and always berates him for it bc seriously she doesnt need protecting ESPECIALLY from tiny shitheads#but she's secretly a little fond about it too. just a little.#at one point they have a fight bc billy's like 'youre not my MOTHER you cant REPLACE HER' and max is like#'GOOD I DONT WANT TO BE YOUR MOM IM YOUR FUCKING SISTER' but billy will admit years and years later that she raised him.#she also clocks billy pulling steve's pigtails right away in the junkyard haha.#btw i imagine she's actually just borrowing the nail bat from lucas. mike is the one that shoots guns.#jonathan is the one that gets lost in the upside down with will trying to find him.#steve and nancy still date and break up but it's less angsty and more funny bc they're middle schoolers lol.#max to steve (secretly rooting for billt's crush): and she wouldnt stop talking about jonathan?? dump her ass!#also steve grows up less of a shithead too bc he ends up sideways involvwd through nancy through mike when nance gets nosy and finds a#superpowered teenager hiding in her basement. this somehow ends with dustin adopting steve haha.
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i DID put all my character playlists on spotify recently so i could get real autistic about those today if i want hmmmmmmm
#did it for a friend and GOT SO MAD#bc the 13 min extended version of a song i had on yellows playlist straight up doesnt exist on spotify and its fucked up#i also wanted to do custom lil icons for their playlists but aaah.. theyre very short#theyre all like 20 mins or under lol.#so maybe not worth it#BUT LIKE. ive talked about this i get insane about character playlists. last ones i did were years in the making#like i need every line and every lyric to fit or ill lose it and it has to be in a specific order or ill start screaming#IM. listen. listen the url is no joke.#if i dont have these playlists meticulously in a specific order i will start screaming crying ect#because theres like. the theme of the overall playlist but also the themes interweaving between two different songs and how they reflect on#ok i shall. stop that now.#tumblr tags were like girl shut up#my dhmis postings
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Was considering buying (ridiculously overpriced) Sunny blu-rays to (very, very legally) rip them (for Personal Use archival purposes), decided to test on a blu-ray I already own, realized my external drive only reads DVDs, successfully ripped a DVD, but then was sent down a rabbit hole trying to see if I could use my (again, very, very legally) hacked PS3 to rip the .iso (I can) since it is indeed a blu-ray player with an attached PC-adjacent machine...
Long story short. If you see me spending $70 on seasons 1-5 on DVD and 6 on blu-ray, no you didn't, but also expect a 1080p season 6 bloopers upload in the near future.
definitely not from me, though. no way. i would never do that. i'm not a pirate. i'm just a good ole upstanding wiki admin.
#i need season 8 so bad but the price of it on bluray is ATROCIOUS#THESE MFERS ARE ASKING FOR EIGHTY WHOLE DOLLARS. FOR ONE BLURAY. and i'm NOT about to get fucked over with a bootleg so options are limited#i mmmmight hold off on the earlier season dvds because i think i might actually have some luck finding them in local stores#but who the FUCK has season 8 on bluray. im convinced there are only like 5 legit copies out there.#afaik a good chunk of the season 1-4 extras are out there already but the interlacing on them is disgusting#so if i can. i'm going to attempt to deinterlace them properly and then stick em on the internet archive#ada speaks#actually i should probably... see if anyone is interested in donating to help cover this lol#the episodes are out there and there arent any official blurays after season 8 (so like why even bother with 9 to 11's subpar 720p DVDs)#but 6-8 extras are all shit quality if theyre even available online at all#youtube doesnt cut it for me either#YEAH Y'ALL REMEMBER MACDEN BREAK UP BEAUTIFUL LIPS SCENE. ITS GONE. NOWHERE TO BE FOUND OTHER THAN TUMBLR.#and i. will change that singlehandedly if its the last thing i do#also like i need the cereal defense scene in hq i literally attempted to upscale the shitty youtube copy i was desperate#this is for me. the fact that im able to download every fucking dvd extra for THE X FILES. a series as old as me. but not for sunny.#FX why do you hate sunny so bad. go on. rerelease these dvds. release a fucking season 15 blu ray. bitch.#its so horrific that season 10 only has a gag reel and 11 has NOTHING included on the disc for bonuses#season 6 has a wholeass trivia game#what happened#its not even like the bonus feature stuff doesnt exist its just on youtube#and MOST of the shit is privated. because FX sucks.#low quality compressed youtube videos that ppl have downloaded and reuploaded and crunched to shit all over again#at least some of them are archived. but. fuck
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something that clicked for my last summer (that i remembered now bc i just saw a post from them thru a mutual) you dont have to follow someone with All The Right Opinions (and i mean that literally) if them constantly posting about these opinions and political topics is actively making you have a worse time online.
like i was becoming actively hesitant to scroll thru my dashboard because i was constantly thinking 'im going to see [x] and theyre going to post something actively distressing/drama im not part of but dont want to be bothered by all day', before it clicked that. i could just?? not follow them. and then they were gone and went back to trekking about tumblr.
its that simple and makes me a little. batty? (can i still use that word?) that i didnt think of it before.
#genuinely because i remember over the summer of 2020#that in an already distressing time#there was already so much fandom wank occurring then#and they were doing nothing but posting about it i felt like#like they were right imo#but i also needed to like#Not Be Exposed To That 24/7 lol#doesnt make me a worse person for not doing so#certainly made my tumblr experiences better#but im not rlly someone who blocks super liberally?#people just exist to me and i feel bad abt blocking#but just#unfollowing them#removing them from my db#does not harm me in any way shape or form#this isnt even to say i hate that user#again i think i lot of their thoughts were well constructed#but i was also going to lose it if they posted one more 'fandom wank of the week' or political post
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