#but it’s just hard not to feel resentment sometimes
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I write about naadja being poly and her relationships in that but like, not so much anyone else because Naadja is obviously the lens through which i view my mindmap of the fanon.
Yes i ship character x character. I ship my other ocs with different characters as well. Its moreso a passing thought that i have cataloged in my mind. The tadpolycule is expansive and complex so i don't even bother to explain it entirely. In my mind its pretty organic, the characters have preferences and dislikes about other characters.
I just kinda roll with it though. I don't want it to seem like Naadja is the only person benefitting from that lol i just only have so much to say on it
I do also fully believe her messy complicated relationships suit her character and a lot of the canon lines about those sorts of apprehensions (like Minthara’s line about not sharing or Astarion's feelings on tav sleeping with someone else) would either not come up at all or would be worded very differently based on her story.
Id love to get into what that'd actually be like but it's a hard thing to explain. Which also seems like a cop out bc well, yeah im not super interested in fine tuning relationships so things fit nice and easy. Sometimes it doesn't, sometimes there's still resentment, and thats something to grapple with. But i don't necessarily have to when im just having fun.
#that being said i don't mind talkin about my other ships. i obviously post them here#Naadja's just who i fixate on#oc stuff
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my toxic trait is how little sympathy i have towards able-bodied people when they get hurt
#they always do the oh ‘everyone x’s sometimes’ or ‘x is hard for everyone’ and i hate it so much#like ‘oh you’re hurting?’ so am i mother fucker and you generally seem to ignore my pain so why the fuck should i care abt yours?#my needs are an annoyance to you#i don’t give a shit that you have to wear a boot for three weeks#it’s not even a month. there’s an end. you know you’re going to get better. you immediately got the help you needed#stop complaining#you have a vacation?#well my every fucking day is affected by all of my pain too#every vacation holiday birthday#every day#i should care. i know you’re hurt. but god i really don’t#i know this isn’t true for everyone and lots of people are great and i don’t want anyone to be hurt#but it’s just hard not to feel resentment sometimes#disability#chronic pain#chronic illness#chronic fatigue#mental illness#disabled
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I dont think some people understand how truly awful and hellish withdrawals from some psych medications are.
#I feel like many many people see it as an overreaction when in reality someone actually feels like they are dying from wds#resent the fact that SO many doctors just prescribe shit all over the place nonstop without explaining the full risks n side effects#it’s scary as fuck honestly#I cannot tell y’all how many meds I have been put on that made me feel worse#or how many times I’ve ran out and not been able to pay for the shit#resulting in an absolute living fucking hell that does not let up until taking the substance again#meds are tricky.. it’s hard to have a definitive opinion in either direction (anti vs pro medication) because each individual is unique#sometimes meds save people’s lives#sometimes they make people suicidal#sometimes they cause complications that literally kill people#sometimes they’re exactly what someone needed to be okay#you just can’t generalize and say statements like ALL MEDS ARE BAD because that simply isn’t true#and you can’t assume everyone’s body/mind will react to a certain medication the same way yours did#oops#accidentally did a tag rant#rant#medical#psychiatry#medication#withdrawal#withdrawals#mental illness#mental health#psych meds#psych medications#medications#prescription medication#prescription medications#american healthcare#healthcare
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you ever wonder if the Glamrocks's face tracking acts up when they look at Glamrock-Freddy, like they'll look at his face, and the recognition will register as Freddy, but their systems for whatever reason or another think that there is a face overlapped on Freddy's do you think they see two small squares next to him, at his side, roughly child sized, but no one is physically there.... right...?
#fnaf#michael afton#five nights at freddy’s#glammike#crying child#elizabeth afton#i wanted to allude something to william but idk#would the glamrocks go into the sinkhole? maybe#maybe next to glamrock freddy alongside the weird overlapping face he has and the two kid height faces#there is a face tracking box next to him...standing#remember that post about the ghost hunters comin to the pizza plex? maybe the weird face tracking happens too...#im watching garret watts and Andrew's constant facial tracking anomalies inspired this post lol#anyways i really like the thought that despite being the most friendly Glamrock; Freddy has this......feeling about him#his AI was made just this year! programmed with cutting edge and top of the line technology!#then....then why does he go off script sometimes? why does he say things that wasn't programmed show dialogue?#how does he know about Mr. Afton? the killer from the 80's who committed heinous deeds?#Why does he speak as if he knew him personally? if his AI is just pulling stuff from online; Why does he speak with resentment about him?#IM SORRY I JUST LOVE THE CONCEPT!!#like just because this franchise has gotten more neon and sugery than ever; remember; lights can be blinding and sugar causes cavities#idk what that means just omg there is more horror potential than you think in the SB era of games if you look hard enough#off topic but back to freddy being a sweetie pie i think that its funny okay#freddy sasses adults okay okay but he isnt mean to kids okay maybe michael just idk; MATURED? maybe he just got some whimsy mkay?#listen if i was forced to be in a perpetual cycle of atoning for my own and my father's sins i would find any and all silver linings mkay#aw yeah this is sick i get to be a freddy mercury inspired glamrock bear WOOO#granted michael was probably tired of animatronic bands and pizza by fnaf 6 but ykkkkkkkk it.....could be worse? he could be his dad lmao#anyways headcannon michael listend to freddy mercury and this is the equivalent of cosplaying him scott told me so (trust)#tag rambles! theyre fun lol
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some days the "fire off missiles because you hate yourself but do you know you're demolishing me" and "let all your damage damage me" and "I gave you all my best mes, my endless empathy" and "in the shade of how he was living" and "how much sad did you think I had in me?" just really fucking hit 😵💫🥴
#this is why no matter what taylor ever does I am going to stan her#because she's put into words what it's like living with a person who is so consumed by their own shit they take everyone down with them#and how utterly painful and crushing it is#(I'm not talking about anyone here -- you guys are all lovely and I send you so much love for anything you're struggling with)#(it's the 'firing off missiles' bit and reacting to everything with anger/resentment/making sure everyone feels as upset as they are thing)#(honestly I could not thank taylor enough for ever putting that into words and translating how that feels into music)#(and why I am always going to be 100% empathetic to what she was going through with Joe because it's just so fucking hard#to try to not only manage your own feelings but have to manage the feelings of a loved one because they're too immature/unaware#to manage it themselves so you have to dance around it and like fucking regulate for them sometimes)#ugh sorry just having A Day
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Thinking about the relationship between my character and a character who hasn’t even been Introduced yet and won’t be for a long ass time/possibly ever they just make me mentally Ill
#that moment when the kid you lost comes back and they’re deeply traumatized and you relize that if you hadn’t been a coward and gone after#them you could have prevented all of that trauma but you didn’t and just hoped for the best and the kid doesn’t even Resent you for it#ryders rambles#sorry#oc#ocs#that moment when you see that kid happy with their found family and wish more then anything you could be that close#(technically he is your late apprentices (who you raised so basically your kid)’s kid who you where the god father of but shit happened#but he reminds you sometimes of your late apprentice and you feel bad bc he is his own person and has fought so hard for that#they make me mentally ill#that moment when u meet the family u could have had from the beginning if things had gone differently#and one of them still cares about you but it feels unearned because you aren’t the same person as your dad who was their apprentice and you#can’t and don’t want to replace him to him#and your hiding the worst of it from him because the last thing you want is to make him feel worse for the circumstances#tag infodump#ramble tags
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sometimes i really want to forget that dsmp existed
#i hope people unfollow me for this#understand that i dont mean this in a way of 'it's so cringe' or 'i cant believe people still care about this' because it's not that at all#but just. the fucking bitterness i feel towards so many people who were at the center of it#sorry to be a downer but my god. it honestly made my life worse under the guise of making it better#and sometimes i resent the creators for that#that being said. i still have fondness for select characters albeit a very mixed bag#but the only definitively good thing that came out of this for me personally was meeting people in the community#those people made it worth it. but now i want to forget the rest happened#anyways. i've thought a lot about this. and i'm really just kinda tired of thinking about it anymore lmao#so i need to get it out of my system. no hard feelings or passive aggressive bullshit (hopefully)
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This definition of OCPD describes me in a way nothing else does: Those with conscientious compulsivity view themselves as helpful, co-operative, and compromising. They downplay their achievements and abilities and base their confidence on the opinions and expectations of others; this compensates for their feelings of insecurity and instability. They assume that devotion to work and striving for perfection will lead to them receiving love and reassurance. They believe that making a mistake or not achieving perfection will lead to abandonment and criticism. This mindset causes perpetual feelings of anxiety and an inability to appreciate their work
Not diagnosed with this but it's so much closer to what I feel than OCD, so.... probably this one instead
#totes bro#if you wonder why im so insane about work#also and i hate to say it but#also why i dont feel drained due to being the caretaker for my bedbound deteriorating wife#because i can be devoted and helpful#which like don't take this the wrong way. i think this is a positive of this disorder is that i can handle circumstances like this#i think sometimes mental disorders are good which is why i dont really like calling a 'personality disorder' a disorder#because these traits of mine allow me to feel love and no resentment towards my wife when there are problems#s lot of my therapists have said that its hard being a caretaker and asking if there are things i would be doing instead of this#because i think they want me to admit to my feelings of like captivation#but in truth i dont feel that way at all. i just feel devoted to loving her and taking care of her to make her life the best it can be#because i like unconditionally love my wife (and i also knew this would happen when i married her even though she didnt)
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stewing over how mike wants william to hug him so bad but never asks because why would you, as a man, hug another man ( yes even your family ) and also because he keeps a tally of every time william said no and holds it against him and has made it such a huge thing in his own mind that if william did hug him he'd flinch and what i'm really getting at here is that michael can get to a point where he's so entrenched in a build up of small slights between big fights that he shoots himself in the foot and denies himself comfort, creating a cycle where he constantly craves william's affection but also refuses it every time it is offered, which makes william upset, which makes him offer it less, which convinces mike that his father doesn't love him, which makes him withdraw and refuse affection, which
#oh boy six a.m.! ( ooc )#|| I'M NOT WORDING THIS WELL I DONT FEEL WELL.#|| but outside of like Just Abuse they are complicated to me in that.#|| ugh it's hard to talk about.#|| because i don't want it to come across as victim blaming.#|| but the reality of familial abuse is that sometimes. like. the environment is so unhealthy#|| that you start fucking yourself over bc you expect it to always be bad.#|| and like that's not to say that if only victims gave their abusers the benefit of the doubt things would get better.#|| but rather that resentment can build up and create such a powder keg that like#|| otherwise normal interactions suddenly become fodder for future fights.#|| I HAVE FORGOTTEN HOW TO WRITE. THIS ISNT AS COHERENT AS I WANT. DO YOU GET ME?#|| basically not every one of william's impulses is evil.#|| he can want to hug his son and be nice to his son and it can come from a place of love (from his pov).#|| but they're so FUCKED and it's been going on for so LONG#|| that even when William is being genuine mike is like ALARM. ALARM. ALARM.#|| WHICH UPSETS WILLIAM.
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thought dump
#venting in tags can be soo therapeutic#just a bunch of feelings may not be totally related to each other#sometimes (a lot of the time) theres just this sinking emptiness in my gut. some mixture of loneliness and and self loathing but it also#feels like nothing#part of me is convinced that im hard to love#and i try to compensate by avoiding conflict at all costs and trying to live up to my high moral standards#and i feel so much shame for feeling anger that i try to avoid it but it always bubbles up and gets worse#i wanna be heard i want the people i care about to understand how i feel!!! but i feel like shit for feeling all this and isolate myself#and i wonder why i turn out so resentful and why im struggling to form new connections!!!#feeling like a double edged sword GOD I HATE TALKING ABOUT THESE SYMPTOMS SO MUCH#suspecting (quiet) bpd... but who knows#me when i suffer but i try not to let anyone see even though the Thoughts are swirling in my head constantly and i suffer 10x more#the little things just feel soo big#at least i love hard and try to be kind <3#trying to heal#brought to you by lena luthor s6 talking to alex about not feeling like part of the team and not feeling like enough of a hero#and trying to atone for her past actions and feeling so horrified at the things she did#i felt that
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It's all fun and games until it isn't
#dumb doodles#master m au#1) i think it'd be neat if he tagged along with the other minions sometimes not to help but to follow around the hero(s) to make them laugh#the princess and the green guy are doing this hero thing all WRONG#they should be happy and smile because that's what heros are supposed to DO#the turtle gets it; he seems thrilled as heck during all this#plus....there's just something extra annoying about greenie not enjoying being the main hero and being so /miserable/ looking....#2) ....does. anyone else think mario might... subconsciously internalize his image as a hero?#like; don't get me wrong; he loves helping others and is by default; a happy lil guy#but...it probably is a lot of pressure to be that constant rock and source of comfort#he's probably mostly okay with it and it probably doesn't cross his mind to be resentful or bitter about always being the hero#there's just this small small; easily ignorable part of him that's tired of it#that the mister m persona brings to the forfont in a kinda ugly way if you crack that mask hard enough#in other words; if he drops the smile; then i think his more bitter thoughts and feelings he hides both as mario and master m#are a bit more...obvious if that makes sense#ANYWAYS THOSE BOYS ARE GONNA NEED SOME THERAPY AFTER THIS#3) i. honestly forgot if the mimi fight was before or after the first mr. l one lmao#i just wanted to do some silly puns before the sucker punch#anyways; it's an au; luigi probably isn't collecting hearts in the proper order chaotic lil man he is#super mario#mario#luigi
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me feeling bad about being unaligned with binary gender and then i think about how Guz would just Get It right off the bat because honestly idk how it's such a hard concept for ppl to grasp 😭 and it makes me feel a little better fdsfjkl
#i feel bad sometimes like oohh ur such a special snowflake for not being feminine OR masculine oooh u wanna be special so bad#no you Made-Up-Person-in-my-Brain. no i dont want to be special actually fdsjkl#i really wish this was just normal. i so badly want to just be normal#honestly i start thinking ''maybe i should just be okay with being considered feminine or masculine. i should just pick one i guess''#but no !! neither fit right !! both make me uncomfortable !!#i do understand the concepts of both but i exist outside of them somehow! and idk why thats so difficult for ppl to grasp!#it is just a little lonely seeing posts talking about ''feminine ppl or masculine ppl'' like. okay i dont fit either of those. damn.#and it feels alienating bc i guess ppl dont know unaligned folk exist! transneutral is such a rare label to see talked about!#''this is nonbinary inclusive bc im saying masculine and feminine :)'' WHAT IS SO HARD TO GRASP ABOUT NON-BINARY. ITS RIGHT IN THE NAME!#why are u re-inventing the gender binary !!!!!! u just changed the words ur using for binary gender WHAT 😭😭😭#i think maybe i resent that i have to force myself into one category or the other for other ppls comfort tbh fdsjkl like. can i just exist.#but i do think Guz would genuinely just understand it immediately. not just because i Want him to LOL.#he'd be like ''ohhh theres a word for that? hell yeah that rules. i'll have to see if a few of the grunts heard about this shit yet''#bc im sure there'd be a wide range of queer kids on the team LOL#if u get a bunch of misfits together ur going to have like... a LOT of queer ppl in the group FDSJFKL#dandy.cmd#vent //#💜so good at being in trouble
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love doesn’t have to be romantic. It’s strangers holding the door open for you. Friends laughing with you. The sun shining it’s warmth for you to bask in. The random bird or squirrel on your walk that doesn’t bolt when you pass it. There’s love everywhere, in infinitely many different forms
I actually wasn't talking about romantic love. The way you phrased it is beautiful. I think I'm too bitter to comprehend this rn. But I'll think about this the next time any act of consideration happens to me. Thank you for going out of your way to write this. I hope you have a wonderful week 💞
#ig im just really bitter about it rn#i feel like i gave away everything i had to be loved#it's the little things but like i cant see them#maybe all the love i had turned into grief bc i couldn't put it anywhere else#bc it wasn't needed#maybe it was#for them to find someone better to pour their love into#i truly be bitter rn to comprehend this#i think i was just expecting people to love me as well#i should have known better#i dont know really#how to articulate this#i feel so stupid ig#for trying so hard for people#and for expecting#and for not caring about myself first#i still dont know how to process all of this#its better to love without any strings attached#yeah i think im trying to love without expecting it back from now on#and ofc love myself first before any of it#so that i dont feel resentful of them#but thanks for writing it out#it's nice to be seen sometimes
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sick 2 my stomach for a plethora of reasons friday
#started thinking abt how neither of my parents have ever known me and never will :)#I heavily limit criticism of my mom and dump all my resentments on my dad bc she was the one who did all (ALL) the emotional labor#in our household#but she very much fucked me up in recognizable ways too lmao#she has an extremely narrow view of the world and we’ve argued so hard it devolved into yelling sometimes but nothing changes#I get really heated when we talk abt queer issues especially to the point that if she brings anything up now I have to tell her#‘we can’t talk about that’#she’s always like ‘why do you get so angry abt this. is there something you’re not telling me’#and I’m always like ‘you definitely know queer people irl they just don’t feel safe/comfortable disclosing their identity to you’#and she still refuses to see it lmao. which is why I can say that much#I know it’s like completely unfathomable to her. something that happens to other ppl’s kids#even more so with my dad of course - he views certain people as just like. subhuman. not worth having any kind of discussion about#I don’t feel comfortable having a conversation with him abt ANYTHING lol he is a fundamentally unsafe person to me#but I can’t ever express that without wounding him deeply (everything is about respect with him)
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beaver gnawing on wood noises
#purrs#delete later#this is gonna be a bad / hard post and i’ll have to delete it. like it feels like in making it im invoking cosmic forces to show me karma or#idk like being an ingrate or whatever. but sometimes i find myself on social media rabbitholes looking at instagram pages of.. women who#like really genuinely appear to be good moms to their kids. and love them for who they are and don’t try to make them anything different.#and who celebrate their quirks and stuff. and even share interests with them at the bare minimum. and it just makes me want to sob. like the#knot in my throat. i shouldn’t do it bc i just hurt myself but it’s like. im so lucky i have a mom and that she provides for me. and i know#there are valid reasons for that being all she can do. but also why can’t she… idk.why can’t she ummm love me. or celebrate me. or find#magic in me. or at the very least accept my humanness and be open to me like giving her feedback on stuff. even tonight at this panel this o#one woman was like yeah my two daughters call me on stuff and im like you’re right. if i called my mom on stuff (and i do) she would give me#the silent treatment (and she has) or eviscerate me (and she has). and people in my work life and on here call me endearing and say all#these things. but it’s like none of it can fill up the absolute aching pulsing void that is… my mom. my mom!!!!! is just a person i live#with anr resent most of the time. who has hurt me so badly. and i could have had a mom who like. let me sing and didn’t mock me for it.#and who came in and said goodnight to me and my sister instead of leaving us to o ur own devices because we’re twins and we had each other.#and 14 years ago today was the day that fully cemented in that she could not be that kind of mom and would never be. and i know she tried so#hard and i know she has been hurt and is still hurting. but i just want to scream. like everyone deserves a mom who loves them for who they#are and shit. and how fucking unfair is it that.. like it sounds so selfish and entitled. b it how fucking unfair is it that i got a mom who#im afraid of and then there are people like fucking… m*lissa err*co and sh*ron wh*atley (those are just the famous ones) who by all#appearances seem to be like.. not only loving but open. seeing their children as human and magic all at once. instead of a war prize and a#symbol of their own hardships or whatever. like it’s just so fucking unfair. i hate that this is the way things are for me and that it will#never change and that if it ever does i have to be the one to change it or i have to heal from it and let go of it. like FUCK that! i want#love from my mom! FUCK the fact that she can’t give it to me!!! she has to!!!!!! but she won’t. idk. delete post <3#like so genuinely i should not be even typing these words bc god is gonna smite me now lol. but my heart is howling#and the shitty thing is i don’t think i’ll be able to be that kind of mom if i ever become one bc of how badly all of this has hurt me. and#bc of all that i don’t even think i want to become a mom anymore bc i don’t want to be the reason a child feels this way or grows up to.
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If there is ever doubt in her own skill, Minthara remembers that her mother wears scars from her own blade. Then all doubts melt away.
#[ 🕷️ ] —— musings#[ I’m playing the game don’t mind my musing ]#[ god I love House Baenre and what’s revealed through minth ]#[ Yvonnel ensures all of her children are just about more skilled than she so they will face the world dauntless ]#[ and I imagine that’s where Minthara gets her emotional approach from ]#[ which is a post I’ll make sometime but I get feelings over Yvonnel ]#[ and also the fact that Minthara in looks is a mini-copy/paste Yvonnel ]#[ a child who was loved and taught by her sisters and brothers ]#[ even to torture - her sister was the house interrogator and that’s where she learned it from ]#[ that’s the hard part because as much as Minth was also a victim of Drow culture she flourished and adored her own culture ]#[ she can see its faults but there is love lost there because she does LOVE her family ]#[ she will poison them and stab them on a moments notice but she will keep their memory close to her ]#[ the sister who taught her how to torture - the sister who taught her how to control her temper ]#[ the sister who taught her the magic behind her name sake ]#[ which if you didn’t know Minthara means ‘lesser rune’ in Drow ]#[ the sister who she thought hated her but she would throw treats at little minth and they weren’t poisoned ]#[ the brother who taught her swordplay and the brother who taught her how to watch and the third ]#[ in all of her resentment toward him? that third brother? would have taught her how to be open minded ]#[ the members of House Baenre walked so their little Minthara could run ]
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