#sometimes they cause complications that literally kill people

[angelnumber27]

I dont think some people understand how truly awful and hellish withdrawals from some psych medications are.

[daydreamerdrew]

The Incredible Hulk (1968) #253

[deadghosy]

☆BEING MATTHEO’S CHILDHOOD FRIEND TO LOVER ☆ male version||female version

COMPLETELY protective over you ever since childhood. He literally fought a kid back then because they didn’t like that you were a “girl” playing boy games with them. You were sensitive back then, so of course you cried to mattheo about it. And mattheo did something about it. He punched the kid and stole their teddy bear to give it to you.

He asks you about girl things so he can flirt and treat a girl better. You could be literally reading a romance book, and he wants to learn too. Please teach him or else he’s gonna whine about losing another girl.

“Sooooo what does a girl like for a guy like me to tap that ass…cause I got a girl on my roster..” mattheo says sliding by you in the library table you sat in. You were literally getting to the good part of where the two main characters were gonna kiss. “Why are you asking me these questions riddle…” you say with venom in your tone towards his last name. Mattheo frowned. “Actually my name from you is Matty, Matt, and matty bear. So please—”

“—Please kill yourself and never let your soul rest after.” You say getting up from the library table and walking away. Mattheo’s jaw drop as he followed you offended. He never interrupted your reading time ever.

When your period comes…he’s asking you “what the fuck that is” and “why is it hurting you” with a frown. He’s thinking he can solve it like any other with a wave of his wand…but it’s more complicated when you explained how your uterus is shredding itself and that’s all you can get out before mattheo started to gag and leave your dorm room like the overdramatic king he is.

He still loves you dearly so he got you tea and some materials you need for the rest of your week.

Sometimes when you two have a sleepover, which is just either of you two sneaking into the girls dorms or the boys. You two gossip like little girls ready to rip someone’s heart out.

Mattheo is 50/50 on you doing makeup on him. But if you really plead and want to do it. He’s gonna let you. He can’t say no to you sadly.

A guy had broken your heart once, so he broke his face in…and broke his dick. Don’t ask.

Couple of girls hated how close you were to Mattheo. He’s a handsome guy, so of course people may spread rumors around. And Mattheo doesn’t really like that, he’s going to the girl and showering her how equal rights have hands.

If you two ever argue, it leads to Mattheo apologizing first. He’s a sucker for you, he doesn’t know why. He just doesn’t want you to be mad at him.

It’s even worst when you talk to anyone else than him.

When you fully ignore him, no texting, no calling, not even talking to you in public and being by you makes him go insane. He’s smoking in the courtyard. Jaw tightened as he eyes you across. He can tell that you know he is staring. He can tell you know indeed when you shift a lot.

The way you feel his burning gaze on you, it made you feel warm. You always loved mattheo, but with him always “going after” girls…you just thought that maybe he wouldn’t love you back.

Jealousy is something mattheo has built into him. He doesn’t know why, so when a ravenclaw student tried to ask you out. He couldn’t stand it. He had to take you away. He couldn’t bare to lose you. He ushered you away from the student, taking you to an empty classroom. He couldn’t handle not being near you, he hated it the most. You are his other part.

He hates it.

“I don’t know who that guy was. But you’re mine. Okay? You’re mine, you always have been even if we both didn’t recognize it. Shit, I know I’m dumb to think to just push my feelings away from you. But I can’t help but love how you are so amazing…” he says slowly at the end. Kissing your head and closing his eyes. You smile slowly. Your heart swell with warmth, taking a deep breath in as you wrapped your arms around him too. You loved him just like how he loves you. He loves you as if you were the made the creation of his favorite food. He loved you like making new potions. He loved you like music to his ears.

He always has been a gentleman before you two dated. He made sure he opened doors for you. He made sure you were comfortable with things. He would even sacrifice his cloaks if you were cold.

He’s like a puppy in love as he just lights up seeing you.

He loves his girl very much. You are the prettiest thing he could ever ask and give for.

[thisischaostragic]

i have been holding space for the Agatha finale (i’m in queer media) and am pleased to report that my feelings about it have shifted quite significantly. follow me, my friends, to a more or less coherent, very long text post at the end

primary thing: this show is very much about motherhood. idk why that didn’t totally register for me in the first half given how often they mentioned Nicky, but realizing this changed my analysis a ton. Billy doesn’t just remind Agatha of Nicky — Agatha loves Billy like a son. (i know “like a son” is an oversimplification, but I’m sticking with it for this post.)

with that, my thoughts on Agatha’s arc almost completely flipped. when Rio shows up in E8 and says she has to take Billy, Agatha is revisiting her deepest wound all over again. her reaction is harsh, but it’s not some long-simmering revenge plan or a calculated effort to hurt Rio. Agatha is literally just reacting to the fact that, after all of the almost-reconciliation, the love of her life is taking her son again. i think she was trying to get Rio to fight for her or to say the trade was too high a price and bend the rules. Agatha was trying to get Death to act only as her lover, and looks devastated when Rio actually walks away instead.

and so, when Agatha goes to the morgue trial and says that “sometimes, boys die,” she’s continuing that realization that Rio isn’t personally chasing her down and causing her grief. sometimes, death just… happens. and “out of Death, life” is largely about Agatha realizing that Rio did bend the rules for Nicky, but also doubles down on the Nicky and Billy parallels. both of Agatha’s sons were literally borne of Death and living on stolen time. loss is inevitable.

i think Agatha genuinely believed that Rio could have kept Nicky alive and chose not to. we know that Agatha blamed herself for Nicky dying (“the truth is too awful”). so Agatha, who was taught by her own mother that nobody would ever actually love her for who she is, probably thought that the love of her life just… didn’t love her as much as she thought she did. going back to E1, i think “you don’t have a heart” is equal parts about Nicky as it is about Agatha herself. her main takeaway is that everyone will betray her, even when they claim to love her, and so she hides behind power and a god awful reputation so that she can keep everyone at arm’s length and never get hurt again.

ALL OF THIS IS TO SAY: when Billy is about to die, Agatha almost retreats back into the version of herself she became after Nicky died, but she doesn’t. she turns around and faces the pain head-on.

and I want to take a second to appreciate how immensely hard that would be. Agatha spent centuries killing people so she could be powerful enough to stay numb. Agatha spent all of that time pushing away the love of her life, who still loves her, who still sees her fully, and who Agatha is clearly still desperate to return to. Agatha realizes, probably to absurd amounts of despair, that she was wrong about all of it. and she still turns around.

it’s not about Agatha randomly sacrificing herself for a last minute villain kind-of-redemption. it’s about Agatha breaking the cycle she’s trapped herself in for an unfathomably long time, admitting that she knows Rio couldn’t change the outcome, and acknowledging that, yeah, she actually does love this kid.

and honestly?? i don’t think Agatha becoming a ghost counts as killing her. she’s literally still around, doing stuff, picking up brooches (👀 Rio wya), and getting a second chance at… not motherhood, exactly, but caring for a child. (and a queer child! and the idea of Agatha, who has been queer since the *1600s*, getting to tell this gay kid over and over again that there’s nothing innately wrong with him makes me actually sob.)

HOWEVER! i maintain some criticisms. i think Jen deserved to have an actual fight with the doctor who bound her. (the oops! it was Agatha All Along twist was… complicated. i have mixed feelings. essay for another day, but i wanted Jen to have rage time that everyone was just cheering for.)

i needed Death lore. how is she physically with Agatha so often if, as Agatha states, 120 people die every minute? is she Death the cosmic entity, or are green witches sort of responsible for decay on earth?

some of the plot elements were severely under-developed, and frustratingly, the vast majority of the underdeveloped plotlines had to do with Agatha/Rio’s romantic relationship, Agatha’s mother, and Agatha’s reasons for killing people. (the fact that they said she’s a siphon in interviews and not once on the show will never stop baffling me lmao.) i find it very frustrating that a LARGE chunk of the underdeveloped stuff relates back to Agatha’s queerness in some way.

however… i am willing to be generous about some of that, because i find it difficult to believe that this *extremely queer* creative team actually just disregarded major queer plot elements. i am far more inclined to believe that they were operating under a hostile corporation and pushing as far as they could, and in that case, they did a fucking phenomenal job.

i genuinely think that the way they landed the show opens the door for them to… dare I say it? … give Agatha/Rio a happy ending?? ghost Agatha literally need only show up to Rio’s house or cave or dimension or whatever and be like “heyyyyy, yeah that kiss was forgiveness and also i’m solid enough to use my hands now” and it would be believable. the fact that it would take them only 15 seconds to give us two fucked up lesbians having their version of happily ever after is actually pretty cool

anyway, this is an abridged summary of how my feelings abt the Agatha All Along finale went from like a 4/10 rating to an 8/10.

[sysmedsaresexist]

Hello. I know I've sent in messages before but very very rarely. But recent events have caused us to have a question. Just this week, we got officially diagnosed with D.I.D and recommended the idea of getting a psychologist for the first time in my life, besides a psychiatrist. Two of my alts say they can't be serious but the other three think they are bout the psychologist and we are nervous. I saw you talking about disorganized attachment in your latest posts and was wondering if you could tell me more bout what that is because it sounds like I may have experienced that and I'm trying to understand myself and us more from others with experience with D.I.D and similar disorders. We hope that makes sense! We are still very new to all of this. Thank you so much for your time. - Us

First, congrats!!! Try to come back and tell us what therapy and the interviews are like! I'm certain my followers would love to hear about it. It's scary, I'm so proud of you ❤️

Disorganized attachment is both very complicated, and quite easy to understand. I just reblogged a couple old posts about it, but this will be shorter :)

This is my favorite image to describe it!

Note that disorganized attachment (DA, from here on) is linked to low trust in self AND others. All of these types of attachment have shown strong links to different types of disorders, but DA is most associated with dissociative disorders.

The most important thing I've learned is

Even well-meaning, well-intentioned, loving parents can cause DA

DA can be hidden trauma, its relation to neglect is much stronger than originally thought, and neglect is a lot harder to spot and understand than straight up abuse.

A quick note here: DO NOT play trauma Olympics-- with yourselves, with others, on this post, nothing. Trauma is a personal reaction to events, abuse, or neglect and can occur in response to literally anything. When it comes to CDDs, we're looking at cumulative responses resulting in psychopathology, and you don't get to decide what was enough for other people.

It's their reactions.

Mind your own business.

So, all that said, DA is about the child being both fearful and reliant on caregivers. They want to both flee to and flee from caregivers. When a caregiver is unpredictable, the child has a difficult time establishing a consistent view of the caregiver, and of themselves. In other words, the caregiver is both needed, and someone to be avoided, and the child may not understand what makes them a “good” or “bad” child, as the caregiver’s behavior is often confusing and unpredictable.

I'm going to throw out a couple examples here:

Parent A has yelled at you, and you're scared to go to parent B and talk about it - neither parent feels safe but they're your only source of comfort

You're hungry, but parents scold you for eating too much - you're both scared to ask for your needs and yet reliant on their abilities to meet them

Sometimes parent is attentive and kind, and sometimes very dismissive - you never know what you're going to get, but when they're dismissive, it kills your drive for things you thought you enjoyed - sometimes parent puts your art on the fridge and sometimes they throw it in the trash, and maybe that particular piece was important and you'd expected better reception

Parent gets physical when they drink but at school, parent is a model citizen and teachers and other students always tell you how lucky you are

Parents are openly homophobic and you think you might be a little gay - they're good people otherwise (you think), and maybe if you just keep that part of you down...

Parent struggles with their own mental illness and you never know what kind of reaction they'll have, but you treasure the good memories and hold out hope you'll see that side of them again, despite the many letdowns

Parent doesn't let you keep anything to yourself, it's to the point you want to avoid them as much possible, only seeing them for meals

Parent is... mean. Just flat out mean, and they'll tell you no one will listen to you. There's no point is trying to find help with other caregivers-- teachers, babysitters, friends. It's just you and them, against the world.

The start of DA is typically formed in infancy when a parent doesn't respond properly to their child. Missed feedings, not enough skin time, mixing "cry it out" with giving in, ignoring cries for food or changing. These first attachments in infancy set the tone for all your attachments going forward. Meeting needs and milestones help the brain develop in a healthy way. If some of these milestones are missed or slowed, you tend to see psychopathology of some kind as a result. Various future relationships are likely to be affected, and more often than not, you respond to your own children the same way-- a type of intergenerational trauma.

And this is only the grey areas. We haven't touched full and proper abuse and how that can affect someone.

The result of DA is that a child will try to push memories and feelings about their caregivers down so that they're not bothered-- they can interact with their caregiver, whatever mood they're in or whatever happened yesterday.

If you just kill your feelings, parent's outbursts don't hurt as much. If you just don't think about what they did to you, you can put on a smile and get through dinner.

This is, in and of itself, dissociation. A rejection of feelings or memories. DA on its own isn't very likely to cause a CDD, but with additional trauma, it's... oof.

Children with DA and suffering from abuse “are likely to generate two or more dissociated self states, with contradictory working models of attachment,” in order to handle their confusing relationship with the caregiver. This can go in several directions, not necessarily a CDD, but it becomes much more likely.

So, the child needs to maintain a relationship with the caregiver– they have no one else to turn to, so the child can develop dissociation as a way to make sense of themselves, and to maintain a child-caregiver relationship. They may “forget” the abuse, or deny it. “It is an adaptive and defensive strategy that enables the child to function within the relationship, but it often leads to the development of a fragmented sense of self.” This fragmented sense of self may or may not develop into something worse– namely, BPD and DID based on severity, frequency, and whether there was any sense of reprieve (i.e. a child can avoid the worst of dissociative symptoms if one of their parents was more supportive, because it helps them build some positive attachments).

I really hope this helps!

Good luck, come back soon!

[checkertrains]

I WANT TO HEAR MORE ABOUT CHARLIE IN YOUR AU, she’s so interesting, please??!!

Omg I did not see the notification for this at all SO sorry for making ya wait so long 😭😭, I’m so glad you like her!! There’s a lot of stuffs I had planned for her in this au, and I am planning on making a fic for it in the future!

I could give ya some fun fact about lil Char char in this Au!

-as it has been written in the pic, she is a lot more confident and got most of her act together compare to our normal Charlie, she’s been raised without much shelter, and she does know Heaven isn’t exactly a well balanced place, but she still think it’s better to redeem people than just killing them senselessly. She is also working on a way to kill them that doesn’t erase them from existence, and instead make it so that when kill they can reincarnates and basically have a fresh start at life. She haven’t made much progress cause humans souls are complicated and dealing with them in bigger numbers is even more of a pain in the ass lol

-KOH Charlie is well trained when it comes to beating people ass, and unlike our normal Charlie, Hell doesn’t ridiculous her at every chance they get. Because she does not stand being disrespected like that and would make it known who she is (often with a little scare, she still doesn’t like to resort to violence), and also mostly cause Adam and Luci would probably skin and torture each one that does dare disrespect her (much to Charlie annoyance)

-Charlie knows Vaggie (or Agatha in this Au) is a exorcist from the beginning, and still she lend her hand and bring the injured Angel home regardless, an injured person is still a injured person after all. And it took an embarrassing amount of time for the two of them to realized they have feelings for each other lol, it all work out in the end, not without some bumps in the road of course but yeah. Charlie and Agatha is literally a match made in Hell❤️ Agatha is the brain and the thinker in the relationship, she’s a lot more cool down compare to when she was still a exorcist, Charlie is the heart and soul in the relationship, she make sure both of them don’t push themselves too far (even tho she’s a hypocrite about it sometime LMAO) and she provides the emotions sides to Agatha plans and ideas.

I’m still brainstorming a design for Agatha but hopefully I’ll be able to give her one that fit, I’m still debating on what to do for the other residents of the hotel too agh….once again I’m so happy you’re interested in my lil au 😭😭🙏🙏‼️‼️💚💚

[explodingchantry]

The thing is it really isn't about anders' actions. It isn't. It's genuinely all about framing.

FF7 sees us partake in actual eco-terrorism - they call THEMSELVES eco-terrorists. And we're still seen as the irrevocable hero, and everyone who plays the game understands Cloud & AVALANCHE to be heroes. Complicated, flawed heroes, but heroes anyway. When Shinra collapses the upper city into sector 7, it's as a direct result of AVALANCHE's actions. But you don't see the wider fandom bickering and yelling at each other and hating Cloud or any other AVALANCHE members for the innocent lives lost. It's understood to be Shinra's fault, as they were the ones to destroy an entire sector. But what of potential innocents dying or being injured from the reactor we blow up within the first few minutes of the game? That's definitely our actions causing direct destruction, killing the employees at the facility and the ones we directly fight, the irreparable damage. We don't see people yapping about it because the writing makes it clear that their cause is just and the fandom understands.

What of bg3's Astarion? He was forced to charm these people and bring them to Cazador, yeah, sure - but he could've also chosen to let Cazador kill him or torture him more! The choice here is obvious - that he had to do what he did to survive, and the writing makes it clear as well that he is at no fault for his actions when literally a tortured slave with very limited free will. The game also looks at his rather... Morally corrupt behavior even after escaping Cazador's control via the tadpole with a lens of sympathy and understanding and compassion because our guy is still on the "kill or be killed" grindset and genuinely needs a guiding hand to teach him that he can be free without sacrificing everything - including his humanity - for it. Though the game does allow you to hate him and kill him or turn him into a piece of shit - those are openly considered "bad" endings. There is an obvious right thing to do, here. An obvious side the writing takes.

When Anders, at the time controlled by Justice, almost kills that mage girl in Dissent - it is framed as obviously a bad thing and Anders is immediately horrified. However, some of those around him try to cheer him up, for example Varric who points out the ludonarrative dissonance happening: in which Hawke and their whole party, including Anders, have killed in the hundreds or perhaps thousands and thus Anders ought to relax about the innocent life he almost took. Of course, Varric himself is presented as morally imperfect, but also deeply sympathetic. The player is most likely to side with him on most matters and be influenced by his opinions if only because of his position as your best friend in da2 and general incredible charisma and friendly attitude. This is genuinely good writing of a very sad and nuanced scene. Dissent is pretty good, overall. Unfortunately, it isn't the norm.

The game also goes out of its way to have Varric warn Hawke about Anders being crazy if they romance him, and a humorous/sarcastic Hawke may reply that they like crazy rather than actually defend him. In general, there are very few moments where we can openly support and comfort Anders without any caveats. It goes so far as to having the popular diplomatic options sometimes defending templars rather than supporting Anders, thus placing him, in the narrative, as an 'extremist' the same way Fenris is an extremist in his hatred of mages.

Even if Anders was a terrorist - which he is not - and the chantry boom was an act of terrorism - which it isn't - this wouldn't actually stop another narrative from offering him sympathy. In any other story written by any other writer, Anders would be the obvious victim, and obvious tragic hero. In another story written by any other writer, DAI would have several characters defend him. Even if you wanted to really argue that it makes sense for Varric to hate Anders and complain about him as much as he did (there is some truth to that but I personally remain of the opinion that it did go a bit too far and thus broke character in places), you would expect other characters to speak on him positively. Such as, oh idk, rebel mages or A HAWKE WHO ROMANCED HIM AND SUPPORTED HIM. Or maybe, oh I don't know, a respected and wise elven mage who undertook a difficult revolution in the past. it's these constant remarks about him, the fact that whenever he is mentioned post da2 has been negative, the fact that bioware has parroted the "all mages betray us" stupid fucking 'joke', the fact that the 'crazed' rebel mages attacking you in the hinterlands wear anders' outfit and when you meet anders in da:a he wears tevinter robes and the gift you can give him in da2 is a tevinter amulet thus drawing connections between him and tevinter when all we ever knew of tevinter until extremely recently was "everyone living there is an evil mage slaver". Literally any other writer would have made different choices in their framing that would make people see anders for the tragic hero he is.

Cullen is given 4 entire pages on his history in WoT2. It gives him a dream of becoming a Templar to 'help' and 'protect' people, for which he worked incredibly hard for. It gives him siblings who care for him and support him no matter what, and goes at length to tell you how traumatised and 'unlike himself' Cullen was post dao broken circle. Anders gets 2 pages, which in fairness is more than most. And those two pages are, also in fairness, fairly sympathetic. But we are given nothing of what Anders does post da2, aside from a couple lines in da2 itself. I know that part of it is because there is the possibility of him being killed by Hawke, but potential character death has never stopped bioware from continuing their stories somehow, and with Anders being possessed by Justice giving him an out from certain death (why would Hawke stabbing him with a knife kill him but not a Templar spearing him with their sword in the pre-da2 short story?) there is little excuses. Furthermore, they could pull something similar to what they did with Hawke, with a simple line saying "whether or not Anders lived depends on the person telling the story" etc etc. Honestly I'm not too miffed about the absence of that, I'm not saying I want Anders to have ten pages dedicated to himself in WoT, I just wanted to point out the imbalance between a character obviously loved by Bioware and one obviously disliked.

When I offer the facts of the story to my friends who haven't touched dragon age, and try to remain as objective as possible, and remove the negative framing the game gives - they genuinely struggle to understand how anders would even possibly be hated. They're pretty baffled. And I always have to tell them, it's because of narrative bias. It genuinely, fully, is because of narrative bias.

[thelosers-club]

HELLO so I heard people talkimg about Stan having OCD and I just really really needed to clear up misconceptions about OCD and Stans character so if you like stan uris or mental health studies at all this might be fun to read for you

none of this is like drama relatef at all it was just a fun little thing i wanted to do so i could learn about mental health and my favorite characters at the same time

sorry if none of this makes sense i wrote it all in one go at 2am (feel free to add any info you want or clear up anything i might've explained poorly)

This started because I was sick anf tired of people saying stan has ocd because that just doesnt make sense towards any canon material (If you want to headcanon him as it, that’s fine, but please read through this so you can do it more accurately) and it seemed to be just a dramatic stereotyping of what OCD is.

After doing research, reading the literal DSM’s sections on OCD, I’ve come to the conclusion that: I was right, Stan very very much does NOT have OCD.

People said he has it because in IT 2017, he makes sure to clean the windows properly, and in the book he has germaphobia. That’s about it. I looked at other things I tried to find as evidence for him having OCD, but I couldn’t find anything else that fit. And this is not a case of opinion because I like to be as absolutely objective as possible in these types of things and see no point in anything otherwise

So anyway, I’ll try to put this all simply because if I get too complicated I’m gonna get lost and this will turn into a rant on literally anything because currently I’m unmedicated for my adhd

Why does Stan not have OCD? To put it simply, he does not fit any of the criteria. I do think he has germaphobia, but I believe that to be part of his autism (as it’s very, very common in autism) and/or anxiety.

To delve into that a liittle bit more, the OCD criteria is this:

A. obsessions or compulsions, such as recurrent and persistent thoughts, impulses, images, that are, at some point, intrusive and inappropriate and cause distress. the thoughts, impulses, or images are not simply excessive worries about real life problems. the person attempts to ignore/suppress such thoughts as to neutralize them with some other thought or action.

Thinking back on the book, which is what I like to adhere to as much as possible, Stan does not have these thoughts recurrently enough that it is affecting his life. I can see that he has a fear of dirt and ick which sometimes spikes when he’s stressed, but otherwise he is able to go through his day to day life easily enough with these thoughts.

Other diagnostic criteria to fill up the cracks in this is that the obsessions or compulsions must be time consuming (taking up more than 1 hour a day) or significantly interfere with the person’s normal routine and functioning, or social activities or relationships. Stan is not shown doing things like this repeatedly and, in my mind when I try to follow stephen king’s writing and ideas as much as I possibly can, I do not think he would if the book were longer either.

But, I very much think these traits are there; And they fit perfectly into autism traits. I think right now is a good time to note that autism gets mixed up as OCD quite a bit because they have overlapping traits.

Now to defend my case for why he might have Autism;

He acts to put it quite simply, insanely fucking autistic. Alllll the fucking time. That man is incredibly autistic there is no denying this

His whole character is set on the fact that he is a very black and white person, very very rigid, and you can’t deny it because he literally killed himself over finding out he was wrong about the guidelines and rules he made up for the world. he is so autistic

A common trait of autism is having an abnormal way of speaking, like a weird rhythm, and Stan’s tone WAS described as pleasant but it was also described as abnormal and such..

Look at how much he likes birds. it feels a little obvious to me here lol

the meltdowns he’s had because, again, his routine and rules were interrupted

He was insanely good at math/accounting which I think also has to do with the need for rules he has, math is ruled and never changes 4+4 will always be 8 yada yada

Also stan just in my headcanon world has very very limited romantic and platonic feelings and I think thats common in autistic folks because we’re so different from other people

anyways im tired and i think you all get it by now if youve watched any of the movies or read the book Stan acts quite autistic. i swear im not self projecting pleas

[velvetvexations]

re anon who talked about claims that white people can't be nonbinary, I have seen it. this was The Discourse in a corner of the internet i was in in like 2021. this person kept literally saying white people can't be nonbinary and quite a lot of people were agreeing with her.

isn't it sad this is the world we live in

It's funny (sarcasm) how many TransRadFems go on and on about how awful they were treated when they were still perceived as "feminine/gay cis men" and how being misgendered as a man as a trans femme is terrible (which is true, of course), but then turn around and say that (trans/cis) men/people who are perceived as men/etc don't ever experience anything bad at all ever. Like.... If that was true, you wouldn't have experienced any abuse while in the closet and would be happy to be misgendered, because it would give you more "privilege" to be seen as such. And yet, somehow, you realize that both of those things aren't actually true and that (real or perceived) manhood does actually come with a lot of oppression. But only when it comes to trans femmes, for some reason, and never trans mascs. It's almost as if you do know that trans mascs experience gendered oppression for being both trans and men, but deny it simply because you're a bigot and want to get away with being a transphobe. Hmmmmmm. 🤔

sometimes they'll admit to trans men being perceived as women but with the caveat "being treated as women is our best case scenario!" as though trans men aren't, just as trans women are, seen as deviants that need killing or correction rather than "just" your average every day cis woman

"Ohhh trans men think of themselves as women/AFAB which is badddd" actually I think of myself as a male cursed by a powerful wizard :)

wizards and magical hot springs are the number one leading cause of trans people

Male cursed by wizard here again tho. I do actually kind of feel a disconnect from the wider transmasc community, as I never feel like I was a woman or experienced what it was like to be one? But that's because I am extremely autistic and weird and have thought gendered expectations were ridiculous for as long as I can remember, and as such have been largely dehumanized by my peers in a way that most girls and "girls" haven't, if that makes any sense? But that doesn't mean other transmascs are wrong for feeling connected to womanhood on some level, it's just not something I can relate to at all. (I don't relate to manhood either for that matter, but that seems to be a more common experience)

gender is a wildly complicated thing and takes a lot to really examine, it's usually different for everyone in small ways

"trans men don't experience misogyny if they pass, but trans women always experience transmisogyny regardless of whether we pass or not" is a WILD fucking take. imagine 'we can always tell'ing your feminist theory as a trans woman. could fucking not be me.

soulgender sixth sense is especially sensitive to trans women whose gender is super special and radiates an aura of purity

Crazy take, feel free to tell me im wrong but i dont think anyone is inherently binary or nonbinary unless specified. I think that every single person on this earth has a slightly different gender (humans are akin to snowflakes and i do not mean this is a derogatory sense). You could put a group of perisex cis women into a room together and all of them would have varying degrees and opinions on what their cis-woman-ness means to them and the same goes for every other label and identity group. And just because someone defies whatever cultural and social norms of identity that have been put on them doesnt automatically make them nonbinary.

it's all just words

What do you think of the "drag is misogynistic" discourse? To me the argument I see is "they're cosplaying being a trans women and thats bad" Which.. sounds exactly like a terf argument but with the word trans slapped in it.

it's a TERF argument and I'm not even into drag

Every time I remember the blahaj discourse I want to simultaneously laugh & light a votive for the trans community's mental health. I am being told by folks who are younger than my personal obsession with sharks (22+ years running let's go!!!) that I cannot possibly fathom the appeal of a stuffie in the shape of a shark, and if I get one anyway, it's appropriation. And yeah, that discourse died pretty soon out of the cradle, but holy shit! It existed! I really hope, for the sake of all involved, that they feel sheepish in the future; better the embarrassment than doubling down on such a — frankly! — ridiculous mindset.

your AFAB man brain simply can't comprehend the true transfymynyn nature of sharks

Idk if this makes me racist but like. It is actually pretty uncomfortable seeing people use non European cultures having 3rd (or 4th or 5th or 6th etc) genders as proof transphobia is a western thing or whatever. Like. Idk I'm biased but as a (relatively) binary trans individual, I don't want to be relegated to a 3rd gender..? Id like to live as any other man, not some 3rd or 4th category of woman-that-acts-like-a-man. I'm happy for the people that see themselves in 3rd genders, but for me it just feels like a painful reminder of how otherized trans people have been historically.... (also I think it's kinda gross to prop up non European cultures as inherently so much better and great and a homogenized soup of betterness instead of. Yknow. Nuanced cultures with their own unique problems and bigotries and positive qualities. Like indigenous cultures don't have to be perfect for colonialism to be bad actually. But that's a separate thing)

yeah it's such an over simplification

just saw someone compare trans women to the omelas child I hate it here.

hard to overstate how much of a pathetic worm one would have to be to say that about themselves with zero irony

help a post appeared on my dash saying "trans men benefit from male privilege" and one person who reblogged it had "transphobes DNI/transandrophobia truthers DNI" on their header

yeah that's the people you wanna put out there first as a DNI trans men who think they're oppressed

Sorry if your inbox is a bad place to vent about this, but I'm so sick and tired of the way Go To Therapy is slung around these days, both as a stealth insult to imply someone is 'crazy' and needs to be 'fixed', but also as the genuine go to (often only) advice that treats it as some sort of fix-all solution. I was deeply traumatized by therapy as someone who's been in and out of it since pre-k and only finally decided to stop going for good in their 30's and being bombarded with the advice to Go To Therapy in every online space I'm part of is exhausting and triggering to the point that I have the word Therapy blacklisted on tumblr. And I can't like, talk about it without being told I just had the wrong therapist and need to keep trying until the right person magically comes along to fix me, as if I haven't spent my whole life trying to force myself into the mold of recovery. Someone not being able or willing to keep trying to heal in the Approved way is often treated as a red flag and a moral failing, and even my own closest friends have this idea in their heads that therapy is absolutely good for everyone and the only valid reason to not be in therapy is not being able to afford it. I'm just tired and I don't want to heal anymore because I don't think I'll ever be healed enough to satisfy anyone, I don't want to get up over and over and over, I want to stay down and rest.

love you anon <3

[shhrrroooommmmmyyyyyy]

S1: The Birb's Feelings

(pt 1.5 for episode 7 and 2 for season 2 idk when cause shit's crazy rn)

Stolas is one of the most morally controversial characters in the show. With the show revolving around Blitz's relationships, it's natural that the show gives us the most information about him because he is arguably Blitz's most complicated relationship at the moment (I'm not going to include Barbie bc we've literally only seen her for like 5 minutes in one episode which isn't enough information). I wanted to do a quick overview of how I perceive Stolas's feelings throughout the duration of the show in sort of a timeline format

~Episodes 1, 2, 5~

So, at first, it's obvious Stolas doesn't really think of Blitz too romantically and mostly sexually. Ok, completely sexually. However, there's a reason why that people often overlook sometimes. Stella openly said in the season 2 premiere that the only time him and her had sex was to have Octavia. Man's literally been deprived of anything enjoyably sexual his whole life. So when he finally does have sex that's enjoyable for the first time, he naturally wants more of it

As we all know, Stolas isn't the most self aware king (or should I say prince) out there (which is okay; he's still growing and developing as a character). The way he treats Blitz in these first few episodes sort of gives off sex toy vibes. Obviously, this is where Blitz gets that mindset from, that all he is is just a toy for Stolas

But after seeing what Stolas' true personality is now, I highly doubt Stolas knew exactly how he was treating Blitz during this time. Again, self awareness issues. Natural part of his character that, after watching Viv's writing since the Hazbin pilot first released (yeah og right here), I'm positive will be developed on later in the show. So hold your horses people, we're just now 2 episodes away from only being halfway through with the show. Give it time, it'll happen

Anyways, Stolas isn't a bad person (I'll fight anyone over this take, dont play). But he does the wrong things with the right intentions. He treated Blitz the way he did in these first few episodes because Blitz was the first person he's ever enjoyed having sex with. It's a big deal to him as it sort of "awakened" him. I think he was so happy about the sex after around 35 years of nothing, he didn't fully realize how he was treating Blitz in the process

*Not an excuse, but simply a possible explanation for his actions*

~Episode 6~

My favorite episode. Stolas shows up when I.M.P.'s sort of cornered by the agents and scares them shitless with his scawy big birb form. First he makes sure Blitz is okay, then he scolds him for getting caught. Almost like a mother who's mad but cares for their well-being (crying in ghostfuckers)

This may seem small to you guys, but for me this was when Stolas became my favorite character. Not only did this moment show he's more than just the cringy comedic horny relief, it also showed that he cared. Why would he ask if Blitz is okay if he didn't care about him? That has nothing to do with the book. If it got in possession of humans he could literally just kill them in like a second and take it back. Tbh (dont come after me pls) but before this episode I didn't like my first impression of Stolas. Despite the many takes calling the cringiness of his lines in the first few episodes "iconic", I hated it. It was just too much

And in this scene it's not just that he's asking in general, it's how gentle he's being with Blitz. Holding his face and speaking a bit softer with a caring expression on his face. I love it so much (aggghghhghghgahhaagh). I know his attitude changes after a few seconds, but still it was a nice moment that reshaped my perspective on his character for basically the rest of the show

*Like I said before I'l give episode 7 it's own post cause i'm too tired and there's so much to talk abt in that episode*

[rubendiasthoughts]

Okay, literally one person said to post it today, and maybe like 3 people liked the post of me asking, but that's all the convincing I need, apparently 😂 It's yours 💙

Ruben Dias as a boyfriend part five - headcanon:

- Can you imagine what it would be like to watch Ruben while he's working out??! He would be wearing shorts and a tank top, or even better he would be shirtless 🤭 Sweat dripping off of him, you would just be sitting there, watching his every move. I feel like he would tease you about it - maybe he would say something along the lines of "you're drooling baby" and a smirk would appear on his face as he sees your cheeks turning red. And maybe if you are not there, he would sometimes send you little videos of him working out, similar to those he posts sometimes. He would probably say "getting stronger for you". And you would be like "well you don't have to do that for me", and then he would say " I do, cause I want to always be able to protect you".

- When you two go shopping, he always gets inside the dressing room with you, sits on the little seats that they usually have in there and he watches you try on the things you picked out, giving you his opinion on them.

- You two would probably have matching bracelets or something like that. He got them with his friends, so he definitely wants to have something like that with you.

-If you ever accidentally hurt yourself, maybe get a little cut on your finger while cooking or bump into something and get a bruise or something like that, Ruben would say "you gotta be careful, don't want my girl getting hurt" and then he would kiss it better. If it was a cut he would for sure put a bandage on for you.

- He would definitely be the kind of boyfriend to kill spiders for you and he wouldn't be annoyed that you ask him to every time you see one. After he's done he would say "don't worry angel, I took care of it".

-I feel like he is the type to give you soft, little touches every time he passes by you. Like when you are chilling on the couch and he walks in, he leans in to give you a forhead kiss, he would playfully slap your ass when he walks by you while you are washing dishes or he would gently stroke your hair and put a lost strand of it behind your ear when he walks in and you are sitting at the table.

-When he wakes up and you are still asleep he would sometimes wrap his arms around you from behind and place a kiss on your shoulder before getting out of bed and getting ready to start his day.

- When he is away he would always try to call you before you go to bed, just to wish you sweet dreams and hear your voice. Sometimes that would get complicated because of times zones and stuff, but he would always try his best. When he is not able to call he would sent you a text though, just saying something like "wish you were here" or maybe "dream of me, sweet girl". And during the day, he would sent you little texts too, when he gets a chance. He would remind you to take good care of yourself and just check on you - asking things like " Have you eaten today? " or maybe "Slept well? " or maybe just "is my girl ok? ".

-You know the little juices he makes for himself. The good girlfriend you are, you would sometimes make them for him in the morning, he would thank you with a kiss on your cheek when you are handing it to him.

-When you are out with your friends, maybe having a girls night or something he would tell you not to call an Uber to drive you home but instead just call him and he'd come and pick you up. Because he wants to make sure you get home safe. He wouldn't even mind if it was late and he had to be up early - your safety is his priority.

-If you had a car, he would definitely check your tire pressure for you, he would take your car to the mechanics for you and all that other stuff that you need to do with your car (sorry I'm literally the worst driver and know nothing about cars, don't know why they gave me a driver's license).

-When you are out, maybe at a club or something, and there is no place left for you to sit he would pat his lap for you to sit on it. Maybe it's just me but this screams soft dom to me!! It's literally like a combination of a dominant and a golden retriever boyfriend - and that's so Ruben!!!

-Okay but can you imagine the sounds that would leave this man's mouth when you are sucking him off?? Just imagine him sitting on the couch, his head thrown back, you sitting on your knees in front of him. He would put his hand on the top of your head, pushing you down on his length from time to time. That man would be letting out the hottest groans. He would say stuff like "That's a good girl. Fuck, take me deeper baby". And when he looks down at you he would say " Look so pretty with my cock in your mouth, such a slut for me". I feel like he would love to cum on your face, seeing you covered in his cum would be so hot to him, he would probably call you his messy girl as he helps you clean up too.

You can share your thoughts on this with me if you would like to ❤

[tobiasdrake]

Do you think Anakin Skywalker's redemption balances out the evils of Darth Vader? I ask because sometimes I think about it, and it seems disproportionate to think that killing one old fuck who was harming a blood family member makes up for murdering people indiscriminately for decades. But maybe that's just cynical thinking on my end.

I have such complicated feelings about the redemption of Darth Vader. Because. Like. Star Wars and I do not get along well on a pretty fundamental level. Despite being built on a pretty simple basis of White-and-Black morality - White Hats and Black Hats with very little nuance or moral complexity between - I don't think Star Wars as it exists today really gets morality.

Here's the thing.

At the time it was written, within the scope of what Star Wars originally was, it made sense.

Star Wars was not designed to be this massive multimedia franchise with hundreds of entries and elaborate storylines starring every single character ever to appear for even five seconds. It was not made to be the story of a vast universe with no true main character.

Star Wars was made to be the story of Luke. It's a Chosen One space opera faerie tale about a young boy receiving a call to adventure, discovering great power within himself, and finding his place in the world.

Vader's redemption, as originally written, wasn't about Vader. It was Luke's catharsis; His reward for resisting the temptations offered by both Obi-Wan and the Emperor and instead choosing mercy. Luke ends his story by putting faith in his father's love for him. Vader's redemption is his reward for choosing to believe in better angels.

Strictly within the context of The Story of Luke Skywalker And Nothing Else, Vader's redemption works.

But Star Wars isn't the story of Luke Skywalker and nothing else anymore. Now it is about the vast universe of characters and ideas. This transition has resulted in a lot of friction because the original trilogy made choices that work for The Story of Luke but are not conducive to horizontal storytelling.

Like. The idea of the Jedi being gone, that Luke is the "last hope" for the Jedi because there's literally nobody left but him and Leia? Yeah. Writers have been going "NO HE DIDN'T SAY THAT YOU'RE WRONG" pretty much since the EU began. The original trilogy said no other Jedi but we want to have Jedi characters in stories we write so the original trilogy gets told to go fuck itself.

There are like eighty billion Jedi running around the Imperial Era now. Nobody actually died in the Purge 'cause not being able to write Jedi characters isn't fun.

And. Unfortunately. One of those problems is Vader. Because if he's not just Luke's cathartic reward for believing in his father's love? If we have to actually engage with this man as a "real" person within the context of a universe? Then. Uh. Yeah, he's Patient Zero for unsatisfying lightswitch redemptions.

The problem, the fundamental problem underpinning Vader's redemption, is that he doesn't change in any meaningful way.

There was a bit of that already present in the original redemption. In Empire Strikes Back, Vader wanted Luke to join him and then they'd kill the Emperor together. In Return of the Jedi, Vader joins Luke and then kills the Emperor for him. Right from the get-go, he already wanted to kill the Emperor with Luke; It's only the context surrounding the act that's different.

Within the Story of Luke, it nonetheless works because Luke receives his father's love and approval without compromising his, Luke's moral values to get it. His father kills the Emperor and dies for him, which is super meaningful from Luke's (and only Luke's) perspective.

But as the series grew, Vader's redemption became further devalued. Revenge of the Sith told us that this is a man whose road to wickedness came about when he threw away everything he loved, when he murdered the people in his court, out of a violent and desperate love for his family. For his family, he will betray his own side and slaughter those he was meant to be loyal to. That is the action that brought him to where he is today.

That. Uh. That makes it feel a lot less impactful when he suddenly betrays his own side and slaughters the Emperor for Luke. Like. I don't know how Palpatine didn't see that coming when it's just Anakin doing the thing that made him Vader in the first place.

There is a point to be made that Anakin's love for his family up to that point was possessive and violent. In jealousy and rage, he choked Padme to death. He cut off Luke's hand. This is not a man who loves his family well. But Return of the Jedi doesn't undercut that in any meaningful way. He can be violently possessive of his family and stab anyone who looks at them funny; These two things don't contradict each other.

This man butchered children and lightsaber dueled Obi-Wan because he was mad about his family. Did Palpatine really think he wasn't going to huck him down a reactor shaft for literally the exact same reason, no difference whatsoever?

But that's only the tip of the iceberg, because the developing Star Wars universe makes another significant point about Vader dying for Luke: In the grand scheme of things. Like. Who gives a shit whether or not he loves his son? Insufficiently loving his family is the least of Vader's transgressions.

As early as Attack of the Clones, we see that Anakin Skywalker is a violent fascistic monster with a propensity for genocide. The Clone Wars cartoon does a phenomenal job of portraying Anakin's gradual seduction into fascistic systems of belief.

Anakin loves the idea of keeping peace via brutal military dictatorship. He has "fun" political chats with Tarkin about the merits of a galactic police state. He's emotionally abusive and violently possessive of his secret wife. He slaughters children who've done nothing to him without hesitation, sometimes because he's pissed off at other members of their family and sometimes 'cause that's just the price of keeping peace yo.

Hell, even his desire to kill Palpatine and make his family into the official galactic monarchs gets reframed into something he's wanted since Revenge of the Sith. That wasn't even a reaction to meeting Luke; he's legit wanted to supplant Palpatine with a Skywalker Dynasty forever. And we're supposed to take it as a major act of repentance when he ultimately stabs Palpatine for Luke? This man has been trying to stab Palpatine for Luke for twenty years.

All of this context makes Vader's redemption difficult to swallow in the grand scheme of things. He lived as an unrepentant brutal fascist monster guilty of multiple acts of genocide, chomping at the bit to betray his master for the sake of his family. He died as an unrepentant brutal fascist monster guilty of multiple acts of genocide who betrayed his master for the sake of his family. And the best thing that can be said of him is that he accepted Luke's lifestyle choices in the end.

A sweet moment for Luke, yet far from an inspiring transformation of a vile man into a hero - but which nonetheless inspired a thousand unsatisfying, terrible copycats.

[flower1622]

Even though i like to read stories where the girl is the guy's entire world (including the ones from Percabeth...just sometimes. Not much into PJO fanfics despite writing many fanfics from this fandom), i think it's kind unfair to the other characters that helped to build the heroes as they are now.

Like, for some fans and even authors:

. Lois is more important to Clark than his own mother.

. Annabeth is more important to Percy than his own mother or best friend.

. Hinata is more important to Naruto than anything else

. Padme is more important to Anakin than anything in the entire galaxy.

"If something happens to them, the heroes would turn evil"

In fanfics yes, but in real stories...complicated to say.

The reasons the heroes turned evil weren't 100% because of them.

. Clark not only lost his wife, but also his child and his city. He felt very guilty for killing the woman he loves. There are many versions of Superman, but in his situation...well, i guess his emotions are different from humans. Clark sees Lois as his favourite human because of her flaws. I used to ship them a lot, but then i saw how Lois reminded me another charater. So, i stopped consuming their stories together. But, one thing is a fact, it doesn't matter if Lois dies, the real Superman would never turn evil. He may have his dark side, but Superman is still Clark Kent. He values his morals a lot. If Lois became a villain and he had to stop her, he would. The best example of Superman losing Lois is Kingdom Come.

. Anakin was a slave, he was taken to become a jedi very young, away from his mother. He had to repress many feelings due to jedi codes. He was always a little insecure. So, when his mother died it caused a big trauma on him and he didn't want the same thing to happen to his wife. Padme only became his anchor because he felt excluded and lonely due to his insecures that were never worked during the story. If Padme tried to convince him to talk to Obi Wan or something like that, maybe the story would have a different ending for the couple. Padme was smart and couldn't see that her husband was suffering and needed emotional help? I guess even ashoka could be a better help for Anakin than any other character. They kinda created a bond between them. I don't consume star war stuffs that much either.

. Naruto lost his control when Pain stabbed Hinata because he was already feeling many bad emotions after everything that happened. To Naruto, what really matters is the village, even when its people were horrible to him. He always had other priorities outside Hinata. Naruto is that person that cares about everyone equally. From i could see, no one is more important than the other for him...maybe only Sasuke. Serious. That man wants to spend more time with his best friend than any other person, even his own family. So, yeah. If Hinata died or even became a villain, Naruto would move on or would defeat her. If Naruto is able to fight Sasuke to protect the village, Hinata is not out of the question either.

. This one is based on comments that i saw on internet.

I may not be a big fan of this couple anymore, but i still read some stories with dark percy. But, in canon, i know that the real Percy wouldn't turn evil because of a girl. The real one would value his family and friends more than anything. He literally would be a second version of Naruto. Everything Percy did or does for Annabeth, he would do for anyone else. He was willing to risk his life for others. He would get pretty mad if something happened to his family and friends. Percy will always have Grover to remind him of who he is...of the person Sally would be proud of. Sally is able to risk everything for him, even stay with a horrible man for years only to protect her son. She's been with Percy during his entire life. Then, he meets a girl and BANG! She becomes the most important thing to him? I don't get it. "But, Sally is a human and Grover a satyr." I know, i understand. More reason for them to be important to Percy because together, they complete each other. They bring different perspectives. Even though Percy needs someone from the demigod life like Nico, Clarisse, Jason, Frank, Hazel, Leo, Connor, Thalia and many others (including Annabeth, but not only her) because they would help him with the side he has more difficulties to understand, he also needs to be reminded of his human side (Sally, Elle, Paul, Rachel) and that there aren't only demigods and humans (Dionysus, Hera, Grover, Apollo...). He needs all the diversity he can get to have a better understanding of his life...and mature with all the knowledge learned during his journey as a hero, as a human, as a friend, as a boyfriend and as a brother.

Even Goku has other people outside his family to keep him grounded. So, it's not only about romantic relationships. It's about the bonds the characters have with others that can determinate his future maybe.

Example: If Percy didn't have Sally or Grover, he could have turned out like Luke.

If Naruto didn't have his few friends, Iruka and that guy from the restaurant (i forgot many things), he would have turned out like Obito.

If Goku didn't hit his head or didn't have his friends with him, he could have been evil.

If Clark was created by evil people or didn't have his family, maybe he would have turned out a little different.

If Anakin didn't have his mother, maybe he would have turned to the dark side faster or maybe he would have commited ☠... who knows?🤔

[obislittleone]

The Winner Takes It All

Episode 11

Pairing: Finnick Odair x Tribute(OC)!Reader

Chapter Warnings: more death, more canon typical violence, literally this one is so sad idk what else to say (sassy and protective finnick from the capitol)

Chapter Summary: The numbers are dwindling down, and allies are falling from every side of the competition. Meanwhile, Finnick is struggling with the Capitol citizens.

Word Count: 5.4k

i launched my fashion brand yesterday at an event, not that anyone cares lmaooo (if you do care please follow @houseofaven on instagram!!!)

“It’s the girl, right?”  Finnick didn’t really know what to say. She’d cornered him with nothing he could say. Should he even say anything at all? Or just remain silent? Turns out, even if he doesn’t say a word, this recent victor has a way of showing him just how much she already knows. 

You’d cried, and cried some more. You cried your heart out and felt like you’d reached the limit of spent tears for the rest of your life. Of course, you didn’t necessarily think your life would last too much longer, now. There were six tributes remaining, and you were positive that everyone else in the arena was more worthy of the win. You’d probably be the next to go. 

You’d finally fallen asleep, arms wrapped tightly around the person who’d been the first to hold you since it happened. Rodey stayed still, his arms around you in a comforting grip, one hand smoothing over the unruly strands of your hair. It had originally been in a complicated and neat braid, but after a few days of running and hiking and falling into water, it didn’t look quite as good as it probably did originally. 

Lukas sat and watched with pity, his best friend who seemingly was stronger than any trial she faced, having to be comforted so deeply by someone she barely knew. But he understood, Rodey had a fancy for her, and was happy to see that it held up in her time of need. He hoped that the extent of his fast feelings would go further than to just comfort you, though. 

“I don’t get it. Copelin and Freeda died, too. She didn’t shed a tear…” Rodey whispered, only loud enough for Lukas to hear. Rodey was supposed to be sleeping, too. He was supposed to take the next watch before the morning, which would be yours, but he couldn’t stop the thoughts from swirling in his mind. He didn’t ever think that his hunger games tribute crush would amount to anything, because it literally could not. But here he was, letting her cling to him as if she were wet clothes on his back. 

“She feels guilty for Lyra,” he explained. He knew your heart, and the things you put yourself through sometimes on the account of other people. You’d been bullied as a kid for your stutter, and somehow you’d thought it was actually your fault. You were the one with a speech impediment, they wouldn’t be making fun of you if you didn’t have it. That mentality shook him to his core many times in his life. It’s why he’d struck up that first conversation, all those years ago. To try and know you, to understand that there was a person behind the botched up sentences. 

“It wasn’t her fault.”

“I know. It’s just how she thinks.”

“She has to know that it could’ve been any of us, right? It’s not like Lyra sacrificed herself…” Rodey didn’t seem to be getting the point in Lukas’ words. Didn’t seem to understand that you didn’t feel guilty about the snake. 

“That’s not it,” Lukas sat forward, his eyes raking over your slowly breathing form before shaking his head a bit. “She feels guilty that after the venom started, she couldn’t stop it.” 

“She tried. Lyra didn’t want her to.”

“Yeah.”

Rodey was still confused. You weren’t responsible for the girl’s death in any way, so why, when you’d shown her extreme mercy, did you find fault in yourself? You should be proud that you didn’t let her suffer, that you didn’t cause her more pain and anguish in the last moments she had left. 

“The snake bit Lyra, but Mercedes let the venom kill her.”

And then Rodey understood. He sat in silence for a second before prying just a bit, only since she wasn’t awake to hear.

“How long have you known her?” He asked, his brow furrowed from curiosity.

“Nine years, maybe ten. It’s been a while, we met as kids.” 

And in those nine, maybe ten years, he’d learned more about you than any other person possibly could. In those years, during the trials of not only childhood, but nearing adulthood, where he’d become in tune to your emotions, he almost felt them with you. He was the greatest friend you’d ever known, and he loved you as such. 

“I won’t ever understand how you spent that much of your life with her, and never fell in love,” he said jokingly, only, it was partly true. He’d been thinking about it since that first conversation about you in the cave. 

“I think I did, once. When we were fourteen, she had a crush on this one guy… total douchebag, by the way,” Lukas laughed, thinking back to that time. You’d been head over heels for a boy simply because he spoke to you. He didn’t treat you well, but he did interact with you, which was a rare sight to see outside of Lukas himself. “She asked me how to impress him, what other guys like, stupid stuff like that.”

“And did you tell her?” 

“Of course I did. I wanted to help her,” he paused again, looking over at you and remembering those feelings, now long gone and replaced with a friendly love for you. “She tried on this one dress she had, thinking maybe he’d notice her more. She started spinning around her room and acting like some sorta crazed wind turbine.”

Rodey laughed, too. He could picture you, your sweet smile and wonderful personality showing through as you spun around in your favorite sundress. He imagined it was a light blue, or maybe a sea foam green with white lace around the edges. Either way, you were probably beautiful in it. It’s a shame he’ll never see you wear one.

“I just sat on her bed and watched her. I thought then that maybe we’d grow up and I’d marry her or something… but then we got older and she started arguing with me about things I didn’t even realize needed an argument.”

“So she’s a fighter after all,” Rodey replied, slightly surprised by the change in tune. It didn’t seem possible, because you seemed all too gentle natured to argue with anyone. 

“Not really, I usually won every argument. The point is, I loved her too much as a friend to even take a chance, and after a while, I guess those feelings wore off.”

The boy across from him nodded, careful not to wake you up. He tried to shift in place, but wouldn’t dare move any further if he felt you stirring. 

There were a few moments of silence before Rodey started back in. 

“Truth be told, I think she’s the first person I’ve ever met that I’ve felt this way for. The girls in my district are these beautiful, amazing creatures that are practically skilled from the time they exit the womb… the thing is, career girls don’t exactly have a finity for career boys until they become victors. Makes it kind of hard for us to even try.”

“You’re kidding,” now it was Lukas’ turn to be shocked. A tall, handsome, dashing boy like Rodey never received any female attention from his district? Now, that was something to hear. He almost didn’t believe it. 

“I’m absolutely serious. They think we’re stupid and brutish and whatever else,” he rolled his eyes, circling back to his last comment. “Now, I mostly agree with them… but even still.”

“It’s like they can sense they’re smarter than us,” Lukas joked, squinting his eyes towards you, fast asleep in Rodey’s arms. 

“The girl I came here with, Estelle… She's just about as stoic as they come. She’s here to win, and honestly, I just hope someone else takes her out before we have to.”

“You’d want her dead before us?” Lukas was taken a bit off guard, but wasn’t too surprised by his statement. Estelle seemed like a hardass, and he had no intention of trying to fight her. He knew he’d lose. He didn’t want you to be in that position, either. 

Rodey shrugged, his face indifferent to the girl he’d mentioned. 

“She’s not my ally anymore. She left me and the rest of the careers, why should I want her to outlast you?”

“I don’t know. Just curious, I guess.”

Rodey felt that maybe Lukas didn’t believe the extent of his affection for you. Maybe he was having a hard time believing such things could be true so fast. He wanted- no, needed to convince him.

“Listen, I know I haven’t known her long, but I do have feelings for her. I’m willing to prove it if I have to.”

Lukas didn’t want to argue with this boy. He was the best shot you and him had at staying alive another day. As long as you stayed together, you’d be the strongest alliance. You didn’t know what the other three tributes were up to, but Lukas felt that by now, Estelle and Brock from eleven had teamed up, leaving one last lonesome tribute on her own. The girl from three. 

“I asked you this already but you couldn’t answer me… are you willing to die for her?” 

Rodey smiled, looking down at you. He was a skilled tribute, and he felt he’d lived a great life thus far… but he didn’t want to watch you die in this arena just so he could make it out. Maybe you were just making him soft, but he felt that he could now answer Lukas’ question now, with great confidence. 

“I don’t think I’m getting out of here… but she might. I’d rather make it easier for her.”

Lukas didn’t know what he was expecting, but hearing it from his own lips, that he was willing to die in your place… he had quickly given respect to him as a tribute, as a fighter who would continue to labor not for himself but for her to escape. A career volunteers to win… but if he wins what then? Does he just forget about the girl he’d fallen so quickly for? How she would die so he could live? He didn’t even like thinking about it, so he put an end to it.

Lukas let this resonate with him. The boy was serious, and it seemed as though he understood that with dwindling numbers, the chances of him being next were sinking in. 

“I know I said not to tell her that you… you know,” Lukas trailed, but having regrouped his words, he started on again, his permission coming about. “But maybe you should.”

“Really?” Rodey looked at him skeptically.

“Yeah, I mean… guys haven’t ever paid her any attention. I think she’d wanna know if one finally did.”

Rodey was thankful. Not because he earned your best friend’s permission to tell you about his feelings, but because he’d earned his respect. 

It didn’t take him long after that to fall asleep with you, leaving Lukas to take watch until it was his turn. 

-

Finnick was practically pulling his hair out. These two idiots had no idea what they were doing, everytime they romanticized you, or made you out to be this ethereal being that they couldn’t help but look to for your beauty. He’d been back in the Elite Capitol Lounge, the winner’s circle, if you will… but he felt like the biggest loser there ever was. Everything he did to get you out of this arena, and now that he was almost certain you would make it, the talk of you escalated. 

Capitol men thirsted for a taste of you, longed to be near and beside you, or worse, inside you. He thought he’d been upset when he first heard the two comments of those men earlier. Now he was fuming, hearing things far nastier and without a filter. The men didn’t care that he was your mentor, or that he was hearing the perverse things they said. They said them without remorse, planning to empty their pocketbooks out onto the table to ensure your survival, just to have a taste of you. Finnick felt like throwing up several times in the night, but now his anger took him over. 

He wished he could just send a petty sponsor to Lukas, just so he could write a note that said ‘STOP TALKING ABOUT MERCEDES!’ in bold letters. He had no idea what to do, now. If you came home, and this terror was all that awaited you, he would not be able to sleep at night for the rest of his life. He would be the mentor that was selfish enough to promise himself a victor, at the cost of your physical and mental wellbeing. 

Rodey was just a kid. Lukas was just a kid. They had no idea what was happening right now, and how could they? Those boys were doing all they could to stay alive in the arena, and also doing their best to care for you. Rodey had saved you from the panther, and Lukas saved you from drowning. Today, they comforted you during the loss of an ally you felt you betrayed. They were doing everything he wishes he could do for you, and yet, he still finds reason to be angry with them. 

He listens to Rodey’s confession, that he would die for you, and an echoed response of a filthy tongued man in the room, not far from him. 

“I would die for her, too. Only if she rides me till I’m gone,” he says smugly, his tone is one of a joke, and it earns the laughter of whoever is stupid enough to be standing close by 

Finnick can’t take it anymore, and acts impulsively. He raises the glass in his hand, throwing it as hard as he can into the wall across from him, barely missing several people by doing so. His face is red and hot, and he knows he’ll explode and kill that guy if he doesn’t leave. 

He steps down to the couch his white-knit sweater rested on and grabs it, quickly rushing his walk towards the door, not even realizing he was being followed out. 

“Hey!” an aggressive shout of the elder mentor was heard behind him, and he stopped before hitting the street, turning around. Haymitch Abernathy, not quite as drunk as he usually is, even though both his tributes are dead already. “Call me crazy, but I don’t think that scene was warranted.”

FInnick scoffed, shaking his head and getting ready to walk away again. 

“I really don’t need this right now,” his hand wiped over his face, the sweat from his palm making his face a bit cooler when the wind hit against it. He needed to cool down, because he was so close to blowing up. 

“You’ve got no reason to be this upset, right now. Both your tributes are alive, and barely a scratch on em’.”

“You don’t know what you’re talking about, alright?” Finnick shot back, not quite sure why his feet remain still when he’d rather be back at his and Mags’ apartment, where he can stew in his misery without the looming threat of eyes constantly watching. 

“Try me,” Haymitch held his arms out, willing the younger man to explain what his outburst was all about. 

Finnick had told other victors about this before, but only because he suspected they had gone through it, too. Both Cashmere and Gloss from one had been given the same punishment as him, and for years, he’d felt they understood him. A stunningly gorgeous model of a victor from eight had also been cornered by Snow. He didn’t want to suggest Haymitch was undesirable, but being from twelve, Haymitch had started with a disadvantage, he was never a favorite of the Capitol. It was in these times, during the games themselves, in which a tribute gained popularity and status that would far outlast the final boom of the cannon.

“Do you know about Snow’s favors?” Finnick came closer to the man, and Haymitch, as clueless as he’d been before, started putting together the pieces. He might be a drunkard, but he’s for certain not an idiot.

“I’ve heard some things,” he spoke more evenly now, his sympathy growing the more he realized this wasn’t just a pathetic temper tantrum from the Capitol’s darling. “Mostly just talk, ‘bout assisting folks in the Capitol…”

“Do you know what gets you there?” 

“I can’t say that I do,” he admitted, swallowing his pride for a moment and hearing Finnick's explanation. 

The younger man directed his eyes back towards the building, where despite the broken glass still being brushed away, the party ensued with great joy and probably more whispers of how much they would like to ruin you. 

“That, in there. The things they’re saying about Mercedes, the way they think she’s some sort of object that they can use when they want to. She hasn’t even made it out of that arena yet, and they’re already making plans, getting their payments ready.”

Haymitch couldn’t even say another word. He looked to the younger man, scanning his features for what he believed to be actual concern. Something he hasn’t seen on Finnick for his tributes since… well, ever. 

The need to find out more dissipates completely as Finnick’s face heats up from his small rant. 

“Tell me again how that ‘scene’ was unwarranted.”

And with that, Finnick walked away.

-

The next morning, Johanna cornered Finnick in the lounge, handing him one of the many drinks they had been serving around. Does anyone in this place do anything else except for drink and gossip? 

“Try not to chuck that one against the wall.”

“Ha,” his sarcasm laced through his tone, but he had been grateful for the drink. 

“I’ve been counting the times you leave the couch,” she started, sitting near him, her attitude seemingly much more angry than how she had been before. “Three times. Except one of those doesn’t count, because you only stood up to get closer to the screen.”

“Today might be the last day,” he shrugged, throwing back almost all the liquor from his glass. He hated being completely sober in times of immense anxiety. 

“So then what about yesterday? Or maybe the day before?” 

He ducked his head, the screen not of any use to him while it showed the girl from district three, building some sort of contraption whilst Caesar Flickerman narrated. They all suspected it was a sort of protection device, one she could set up and not have to worry about defending herself. 

“You said it yourself, the odds are in my favor. It’s never been like this before.”

“So, who’s your pick?” 

“Excuse me?” 

She was leaning on the backrest when he turned his head to meet her stare.

“It’s the girl, right?” 

Finnick didn’t really know what to say. She’d cornered him with nothing he could say. Should he even say anything at all? Or just remain silent?

Turns out, even if he doesn’t say a word, this recent victor has a way of showing him just how much she already knows. 

“I get it. She’s kind, smart, beautiful,” she taunted, though Finnick hated hearing those words repeated to him, knowing just how much trouble it’s causing her, or will cause her. “And she helped Lyra.”

Finally, a change of subject. Lyra was a year behind Johanna. She was a friend of hers in school. A tragic loss that she chooses to cope with by gossiping among other victors, making them as uncomfortable as she constantly feels.

“I’m sorry about your tributes,” he spoke solemnly, giving her an apologetic glance. 

“I knew they weren’t going to make it.”

“Even still.”

His eyes turned back to the screen when Caesar started narrating your morning routine, waking up and eating whatever was left from yesterday’s catch. You’d also taken an apple from the small stash to keep up your energy. Smart girl. 

He watched Rodey approach you, sitting down beside your little patch against the nearest tree. Finnick knew what conversation was about to play out, and honestly, he didn’t much care to watch it… except for there had been a surprise turn of events that he wasn’t expecting.

-

You’d woken up earlier than you anticipated, and snorted a laugh when you realized that the boys had both been asleep. You weren’t sure which one was supposed to keep watch, but you’d say they did a stupendous job. You went about the early morning, the dawn of the day being a quiet reminder that yet another day had passed, and you were still here. You weren’t going to win, but already you’d made it further than you had originally planned for. Part of you thought you were going to die in the bloodbath, unwilling to kill someone else for the sake of your own life. But your allies had your back, and they still do. 

You would have died three times, had it not been for the help they had given you. You could have drowned, mauled to death, or eaten alive. Lukas, Rodey, and Lyra. They all saved you, and now one of them is gone… and it’s your fault.

You had to try not to dwell on it. You’d cried all your tears out, and today was about staying alive, not mourning those who could not. 

You didn’t eat for several hours, you wanted to wait till the boys woke up to see how you were going to be splitting and saving the rations. 

Lukas was the first to wake, having gotten a longer sleep than Rodey, still clinging to one of the backpacks you’d slipped into his arms in your place. He was a sweet boy. He was lethal, a killer of three other tributes, but still, a sweet boy. Tributes don’t have the luxury of being one or the other. Everyone in this arena has to acknowledge that, one time or another. Rodey doesn’t let it sink into his skin, though. He tried to remain happy, humorous, never taking himself too seriously. He and Lukas had gotten on better than anyone else could have expected. Lukas was a non-career tribute, but he still volunteered. That has to command the respect of the other careers, right? Except Freeda and Copelin picked on him, and Estelle straight up hated him. All for his connection to you, but even still. 

Lukas wasn’t taken seriously as a contender until the day he was scored. You still have no idea what he did to earn that perfect twelve. You had thought you’d performed as average, but the game makers thought otherwise. Your strength and skill, matched with your wit and pure imagination… That's what won you those numbers.

You thought to yourself more, wondering if you’d ever get another chance to ask those things of Lukas, or if your time was nearly up. 

You’d made peace with your death before you even entered the arena. You even tried to look for it. Now, you treasured every last second you had, waiting blissfully unaware of when the last moment would pass. 

When Rodey finally woke up, you all centered yourselves in the middle of the cornucopia, a makeshift breakfast being passed around. Leftover fish, and some of the plant food the others had scouted. You took an apple from the sack of supplies, almost gone for how little there was to begin with. You were lucky enough to have exclusive access to the cornucopia. If you hadn’t been the primary users, you felt you may have died to other causes than just being attacked, or in your strange case, drowning. 

You walked out of the centerpiece of the arena, wanting to sit under a large canopy of tree branches. As much as you detested this place, you could not help but admit, it was beautiful. You’d never seen a rainforest before. Never seen a forest before. You had lots of plant life on four, but it was mostly tropical, palm trees, common gorse, beach grass, and even seaweed that washed up nearly every morning. You missed those things. The little things that you regretted you wouldn’t see again, mostly because you took them for granted before. They had been so mundane, so ordinary, you didn’t think there was anything to miss about them.

You’d nearly finished your apple when Rodey came to sit beside you, his back against one of the trees beside your little patch on the ground. 

“M-morning to ya,” you smiled, another bite of your apple gone the next second. 

“Morning…” He seemed nervous, and tense… and awkward. He’d acted so different before, you hoped this wasn’t about bad news. “Can I talk to you?”

“Of c-course,” you replied, trying to remain genuine, though you feared what he might say to you… was the time drawing near that the tributes were going to turn on each other? Was he asking if it was okay to kill you if he had to? Maybe you should just listen to the poor kid, and stop jumping to conclusions.

“I know this might be sudden, and I know that I don���t really have any reason to be telling you this,” he chuckled under his breath, his hand reaching up to scratch his neck. 

What on earth is this about?

He seemed stuck, but you didn’t want to interrupt, so as you most of the time did, you just sat quietly, waiting for him to speak. 

“I think I might have feelings f-”

A wild scream caught both of your attention, and you turned your head to face it the second you heard. The girl from three, anger written on her face, charged towards you, causing an immediate panic. You and Rodey jumped from your sitting position, and he reached into his cargo pants pocket for his knife, holding it out. 

She’d gotten too close for you both to just back away, so you stood your ground to fight, willing to do what you needed if it was absolutely necessary. She seemed to be wielding a sort of contraption, strapped to her arm as she charged. It looked like some sort of slingshot, a tiny kunai knife inserted at the center, but you didn’t even have another second to process as she stepped towards you first. You had your knife in hand as well, raising it up in hopes of intimidation. You couldn’t kill her, but she didn’t know that… or maybe she did, because she didn’t stop. 

You were about to turn heel before Rodey stepped in front of you, his knife hitting straight through her chest. He stumbled back a bit, and you came before him to kneel down, checking to make sure the girl was completely dead. The cannon sounded momentarily after, which confirmed it for you, but when you looked down at her wrist contraption, you saw that the kunai knife was gone. 

“Mercy…” His voice was grave, and it scared you before you even turned around. 

“Rodey,” you stood back up, rushing over to him before he could collapse. His hand held his ribs, where the Kunai knife had deeply pierced through, probably into his lung. 

He sunk down against you, his breath hollow as you lowered him to the ground. 

“Lukas!” You screamed over your shoulder towards the cornucopia, hoping he would understand your great need and come quickly. 

“Mercy,” Rodey tried to speak again, a sense of urgency in his eyes. He was dying, he could feel it. “Look at me.”

“Y-you’re fine, Lukas is g-gonna help me carry y-you back, and we’ll fix y-you up.”

“No,” he smiled, he had the audacity to smile. “Just hold me here, keep looking at me.”

His voice wasn’t even solid anymore. 

“Don’t do that, y-you’re fine… Lukas!” You nearly broke your vocal chords trying to get him to hear you. In the distance you could hear him running, but he had been too far away to begin with. Your eyes welled up with tears, and your free hand tried to hold the blood from escaping his body, but the knife had gone too deep, and there was no chance of anything clotting in time. His lungs would fill up with blood in seconds, and he would die choking on it, if the intense bloodloss didn’t kill him first.

“Don’t cry,” he took your hand from his ribs, moving the red stained appendage and placing it on the side of his face instead. “Just keep looking at me.”

“I can’t, I h-have to get you help.”

“No, I don’t want help. I wanna die looking at you,” he admitted, the confession breaking your heart. Another tribute, dead under your hands. Another ally, succumbing to defeat while you stood watch, helpless to even try and save them. He didn’t want to be saved. He wanted this to be it. This was a far better death anyways. He saved you. He took the hit. He didn’t have to outlast you and watch you die, or watch your best friend die and see your pain from it. He gets to go out now, knowing he saved your life and that you had two less people to kill. 

“Why?” You cried out, shaking your head as the tears rolled fresh and freely. You didn’t understand it. You’d come to terms with your death, too… but you couldn’t understand him. He was a career, someone with a chance to win it all. But he sacrificed himself to save you.

“Because you’re pretty,” he said as though it were completely obvious. Everyone had made clear the past week how beautiful you were, but you felt you didn’t deserve the praise, Not because you felt ugly or comparable, but because you never prided yourself on it. You never looked in the mirror and felt superior by it, nor did you think it made you better than anyone else… So then why? Why did they praise your beauty? 

You think you found understanding when you looked down to him again, Lukas’ footsteps closing in behind you. You saw on his face the gratification he got just from looking into your eyes. The way you looked inspired a feeling in him that transformed into more, and you felt it, too. The attraction, the connection, the feelings. You’d drawn him in with your beauty, but he stayed for everything else about you. He could have taken off with Estelle that first day, but he stayed. He could have ditched you both when you decided to take Lyra as an ally, but he didn’t. He should have let you die in his place just now, but he saved you instead. That was the power of your beauty, unharnessed, untamed, and unforgiving. 

Your eyes became blurry with tears, and you could no longer see his face clearly, but the second the cannon sounded, you closed your eyes completely. Lyra may not have been completely your fault, but this certainly was, and his blood was covering your hands. 

“What happened?” Lukas asked, his breath harsh and unsteady as he came over your shoulder to see the scene in front of him. He knelt down, examining Rodey, having fully heard the cannon that already sounded. “Who did this?”

You couldn’t say a word, you just pointed to the girl from three. She laid dead on the ground, Rodey’s knife in her chest, right where her heart stopped beating. 

Lukas tried to pull you away, to try and gather what sense of sanity you had left, but you kept hitting his hands away, screaming and crying at him to let you go. You didn’t care that without the third member of your alliance, you were now more vulnerable. Probably the weakest in combat left in the arena. You kept clinging to Rodey’s body, holding on and unwilling to leave him yet. He’s your ally, and he didn’t ever leave you behind.

“We have to go,” he finally managed to drag you, under your arms, kicking and screaming. The scene that had been caused would alert the other tributes that they only had two more enemies to deal with. 

-

Those watching in the capitol were teary eyed, but not genuinely. To them, it was as though their favorite character just lost her beloved, never to see him again… and it made for great dramatic effect, and they loved it. 

Cashmere, one of the district one mentors, was sitting by herself in a corner, with the only other person who actually cared to be alone while watching these games right now. Finnick watched the scene play out, and it caused him great upset, not just for his tribute, but for the woman beside him. She still had a tribute left, but the care for that one seemed almost secondary. Finnick was almost certain that Rodey had been her prized tribute. The one she would have wanted to win above anything else. 

-

tags(open): @thepassionatereader @i-voluntears @secretsicanthideanymore @mystargirl-interlude @c4ttheart @lilibrn

[ask-spooky-manor]

Toby Character Headcanons

So I was tagged with a list of questions for me to answer that I reblogged, and while none of them were sent in my inbox, I still wanted to answer some cause they were really interesting.

Trigger Warning: I do talk about how abuse has affected Toby and how it has left some long lasting scars mentally and emotionally speaking. Not all of the headcanons are like that though, just be cautious. Nothing too in detail but can be uncomfortable

Clothing style

Toby’s style is like mixing grunge with cottagecore (goblincore is what it’s usually called). He likes his knitted sweaters and earthy tones, but at the same time he enjoyes ripped jeans and chunky black boots that can basically double as a weapon.

Eating Habits

Toby has a massive appetite. You will always catch him with a snack in his hands or complaining that he’s hungry despite having eaten a full meal not ten minutes ago. He just really likes food, and people in the house know to give him an extra serving for dinner

Hobbies

Music is more of a passion so tinkering around and making little gadgets is probably his number one hobby. He mainly likes to make things that blow up. Other general hobbies he has are cooking, hiking, uhhhh arson, and drawing

Fighting Style

He’s fully aware that he’s not the strongest or fastest or even has the most endurance, but Toby is extremely clever and crafty. He thinks way outside of the box and relies heavily on all of his odd little gadgets and inventions to surprise an enemy like smoke bombs, traps, loud fire crackers, you name it. He is an unpredictable fighter because you’ll never know what he has up his sleeves, and the surprise is something he will very much use against you. Not to mention that when he’s stuck in a sticky situation, he’s really good at coming up with on the spot plans that will get him out of trouble.

Ways he says I love you

Well, he will just say it. Toby won’t shy away from using the L word on anyone he even mildly likes. Though another way he shows it is through encouraging his loved ones to take care of themselves. He will make sure you eat properly, sleep well, take your meds, etc. Also hugs, Toby is a hugger.

Introvert or Extrovert

Extrovert, which surprised him when he realized it. Toby thought he was introverted for the longest time when in reality he was just dealing with a lot of nasty people who made him feel unsafe. Being alone felt safer, but at the same time it made him miserable because he naturally gains more energy with good people around. Ending up in the manor was the best thing to happen to him because now he has buddies he can spend time with like all the time.

Religious or Non-religious?

Complicated as fuck. He was raised Christian only to kind of despise organized religions as a whole. He would say he’s an atheist if he didn’t live with a literal moon god (Ben), so now he just has a beef with gods in general (Except Ben, they’re chill). Basically he thinks about how if these beings really are all powerful, all kind, all forgiving and omniscient and good then why the fuck did none of them help him? Why did it reach a point where he killed his own father? Why was he never saved? Basically, the idea of there being a higher power gets him in a bitter mood. Best to avoid the subject altogether.

Something he could never forgive.

Toby is generally a forgiving person but the one thing he could never forgive is when someone takes advantage of the kindness he is willing to give. Classmates did it in school as a way to bully him, and his dad would sometimes guilt trip favors out of him (usually to sneak him more beer, which will end up biting Toby in the ass when facing his drunk dad later on). Just the general act of trying to manipulate Toby, knowing they can toy with the heart he wears on his sleeve, is enough for him to want that person dead.

Something that scares him.

For the small, irrational fear; Toby is afraid of the dark. It’s just a childhood fear that he never really got over. It’s fine if he’s with someone but being alone in the dark will put him in fight or flight mode. For the bigger existential shit: dreads the idea of everyone secretly hating him. His own father and peers have created this idea in Toby’s mind that there is nothing good about him. That his own existence is nothing but a burden on others, so there’s always this fear that his friends and even his own boyfriend don’t actually like him and that it’s all a front. He knows that realistically that’s not true, but it’s hard fighting against a toxic mindset that was pushed into his brain at such a young age.

Did he grow up too fast?

No, thankfully. It was Lyra who had to grow up too fast. Connie did her best, she really did, but there have been a lot of times where it was Lyra who had to care for Toby. Especially after really bad nights where their dad thought having one more bottle wouldn’t be a problem. Toby was unlucky enough to have been surrounded by people that were cruel to him, but thanks to Lyra and his mom he at least was able to be a kid from time to time.

[secularprolifeconspectus]

I notice a lot of pro choicers tend to think banning abortion would prevent other healthcare? And possibly remove birth control. Do you know where they might be getting that from? When abortion was illegal did people get denied care for miscarriages or other complications?

I think the "prevent other healthcare" thing is the result of a coordinated disinformation fearmongering campaign by the abortion industry; they literally workshopped this messaging and were prepared to disseminate it if Dobbs overturned Roe. Remember, everything they do is to promote abortion sales and protect profits. The Pro-Life Movement proper — far smaller, less funded, and more grassroots — was simply unprepared to combat this fallout.

"Removing birth control" I think is the fault of some socially conservative and religious pro-lifers who see abortion as an abberation in sexual morality, rather than a life-or-death human rights violation. For this reason, they often conflate birth control and abortion as one-in-the-same, or at least as having the same root causes. So to them, restricting both is the same game. I think it's an incorrect perspective and very harmful strategy.

On the pro-abortion side, they see abortion and BC both as healthcare used to prevent reproduction, so they also conflate them. Combine this with the perception of those anti-BC pro-lifers, you get a tenacious myth that the entire movement intends to revoke BC and that the issues are inseparable.

Unfortunately, there are also forms of BC that are abortifacients (cause abortions), and yes, to be consistent, pro-lifers "from conception" have to see those as ethically impermissible. So yeah, even I hold that some BCs, such as IUDs, probably have to go. I wish it weren't the case that they can kill tiny people, but they do, and it's wrong to risk people's lives by using them. And don't get me started on all the issues with IUDs aside from abortion; they're terrible devices with a fucked up history.

I'm not super educated about reproductive health prior to 1973, but from my understanding, it was similar to how it is in states where abortion is restricted now: sometimes, regrettably, people having pregnancy, miscarriage, and abortion complications were denied appropriate standards of care, by mistake or by incompetency. Medical malpractice is not new. But, I believe that for most people, necessary care was accessible. A book like "The Story of Abortion in America" might have more research on this that would be enlightening.