#but it took a while for it to hit me so idk
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gingerteafairy · 2 days ago
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hullo its me again ^0^ is it possible to write smth where reader is insecure about their not flat stomach / pouch? idk i have no preference on which evan character it should be. i like peter, luke, todd, warren, tate.. the choice is urs hehe!! thank youuu queen
— ( 🦇 )
OHMYGOF GURL I WAS WAITING AN OPPORTUNITY TO DO IT BC I HATE MY POUCH SO MUCH. oh, hey bat anon 💞
tags n warnings: slightly nsfw, language.
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peter maximoff
Peter has the weirdest compliments in the world—you never know if he’s actually praising you or just roasting you for free. "That extra fat makes high-speed travel safer." It took you a while, but eventually, you realized it was his own awkward, heartfelt way of saying something sweet. He’s clumsy, but he always makes sure you feel beautiful and adored, treating you like an absolute goddess.
"Peter, I think I should lose weight," you murmured, looking at yourself in the mirror, your expression sad as your fingers traced over your stomach.
"If that’s what you want, I’ll help you and hit the gym with you. But I think you’re perfect just the way you are, don't need to change it for me or for anyone." He smiled, cupping your face gently. "Besides, that just means there’s more of you for me to love."
luke cooper
Luke has an insane attraction to your body—like, almost unsettling. The moment he sees you in a pencil skirt or a dress that clings a little to your stomach, he loses it, instantly pulling you aside just to kiss you senseless.
He loves running his hands over your belly, giving it small squeezes, and he has a bad habit of biting you whenever he gets the chance. "Sorry, I had to do it." He’s always encouraging you to wear bikinis and other clothes, hyping you up like a personal cheerleader.
"Your stomach? I think of it as a built-in cushion, like a support for my... for our... y' know..." he grins, pressing a teasing kiss to your skin.
tate langdon
Tate lives for touching you. He loves holding you in every way possible, but hugging you is his absolute favorite. His top-tier cuddles include spooning with you as the little spoon and wrapping you up in his arms whenever you're sitting on his lap. He hates when you talk down about yourself—especially about something he adores so much.
"I wish you could see yourself the way I see you..." he murmurs, frowning as he tucks a strand of hair behind your ear.
But if he ever catches you comparing yourself to other girls, his patience wears thin. He’ll snatch your phone out of your hands, shutting it off with an irritated huff.
"You spend way too much time watching those videos. It’s time to spend more time with me, stop comparing yourself, and actually listen to what I say. Stop focusing on the bad things. Focus on all the times I’ve told you you’re beautiful. I wouldn’t trade you for anyone, and you’re not any less gorgeous just because of your stomach."
warren lipka
Warren is obsessed with your stomach. No exaggeration. His favorite thing in the world is randomly squeezing it—especially when he sneaks up behind you, wrapping his arms around you and giving your belly a solid squeeze.
"Warren, stop. My stomach looks huge," you whined, embarrassed as his hands kneaded at the soft flesh. "I’m starting a diet, gonna do ab workouts every day and get rid of it."
"No fucking way you’re doing that shit," he grumbled, tightening his arms around you in protest. "Right when I was thinking about feeding you more so I could eat more of you.”
He smirks against your neck, pressing a kiss there before whispering, "Now, how do you feel about some snacks? ‘Cause I’m craving one, and I think you should have one too."
todd haynes
At first, Todd genuinely doesn’t understand why you feel insecure—because, to him, your body is just normal, and he loves it exactly the way it is. He tries to be patient, but if you keep bringing it up, he’ll hit you with straight-up facts to boost your self-esteem. He wants you to love yourself the way he loves you.
"I wish I could have a flat stomach. Everyone has it and I feel so ugly with this..." You sigh, resting your head on his shoulders.
"Actually," he starts, his voice taking on a factual tone, "that small curve on your stomach is completely normal for women. It’s where the uterus is located, and the slight fat storage there helps support a healthy pregnancy. That’s why ancient goddesses were often depicted with bodies like yours—it’s a symbol of beauty and strength. So, technically, you're built like a goddess. Which makes sense, ‘cause that’s exactly how I see you." He smirks, watching the way your face heats up.
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cute-little-fly · 3 days ago
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I love that you made this analysis and personal rant about this, because I have been wanting for a while to read an opinion about this from a person that lived through a similar experience and how they felt about how Octavia was portrayed with the show.
I never lived something remotely similar to this, so, for me it was harder to know how a person in a situation like this would feel.
Really thank you so much.
Even if I had defended Octavia from critics before I can totally understand your position. I can also see that this arc had some weak points in Sinsmas (not in general because we haven’t seen the complete thing). The weaker points for me are:
Octavia not looking for Stolas when Stella took the phone from her (maybe she expected he to come back? Idk either). This is not explained. I thought there were going to be scenes of Stella saying that Stolas left her and didn’t wanted to come back even if she offered (or lies like that).
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She was happily going to answer Stolas, then Stella takes the phone and then you see she hasn’t her phone anymore but her iPad in the next scene. (This also leads me to believe that the show implies that Stolas not coming back after the trial is what made Via mad and not Stolas saving Blitzø, and when she says: you chose him is because Stolas stayed living with him later. But I know is ambiguous and is also unfair with Stolas bc doing that doesn’t mean he doesn’t care, and then he goes to the palace to look for her and she still gets mad, so ofc give you the point).
She assumes Stolas is not calling anymore because Stella obviously never told her he called, and she doesn’t receive the calls herself because Stella has the phone. It feels very innocent on her part to think that Stella would notify her if Stolas called. It’s not impossible, but I know it can be kinda far fetched because Stella prohibited her to talk to him. This could have been easily fixed by implying that Stella or Andrealphus blocked the number, and let octavia have the phone, but I get that maybe this was simpler to understand.
I really hope for the future of this arc to know more details about all of these situations, to make us understand better Octavia’s positioning, including:
How Via feels about Stella? Why she never thinks what role she might have? I think this is probably intended and part of her future arc but is interesteing that she acts as if Stella doesn’t exist and like she can’t affect anything…
Has Stella always been as openly abusive and shouting? (Not saying she wasn’t abusive in the beginning, but how evident she made her the abuse to be for Via in her childhood). Has the abuse scalated with time? When did that happened?
Have Octavia and Stolas talked about things before? Has Stolas been able to say anything before? Besides the Loo Loo land episode.
I feel that all of this information would help us understand the situation better too ❤️!! So don’t feel bad for not being able to completely empathize with her, perhaps this arc has some elements that needed more attention that the one they were able to give and also, maybe this things are hard to think for someone that didn’t went through them. Also, a lot of the situations of this show can hit very close home for a lot of people and I think is normal to feel conflicted about some of the arcs and characters if you endured a similar situation.
The Octavia Dilemma (Vent/Rant Post)
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TW: Divorce
I want to make it abundantly clear that this post is about myself and my feelings on Via. This does not reflect the greater fandom or all Stolas Stans.
This is a reflection of my feelings and my feelings alone. Do not utilize this post to generalize all Stolas Stans since many of them are going to agree with about 60% of my post and I'm fine with that.
Moving on,
Hello everyone! It is I, Amalthea, the Ultimate Stolas Kinnie and Stan, reporting to you live on a topic I was initially going to not talk about, but became more compelled to talk about since well- I didn't want to talk about Stella. (I'd rather not lol)
When it comes to Octavia and her rejecting Stolas I have very, very mixed feelings on the topic. While many of you may think she was right or wrong, I'm going to give you the perspective from a person who lived this stuff during my preteens.
I won't go into details, but my parental unit picked another person over my family. Parent A decided to pick Person C over Parent B and that will never not mess me up till this day.
When Parent A left, I was alone without the only thing I wanted, closure. I didn't understand why I was abandoned. I didn't understand how Parent A just thought I didn't matter anymore.
Parent B had to struggle and I just had to- watch morbidly as my world fell apart.
One of the things I absolutely can't agree with Octavia doing is walking away from Stolas when he came back to her.
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She has this entire speech, victimizing herself solely(not faulting her for it, just stating it), and not asking the question why and that is where I will say the Hellaverse team failed. Kids of divorce always ask the question why. We seek a reason and yet Octavia just makes baseless accusations at Stolas that hold no water.
I mean your father, the man who has stood by your side, and loved on you for ages suddenly has an affair with a strange imp from his past and you don't even- think to ask why? Or let him explain?
Octavia willingly parentified herself to cope, which again as someone who is parentified, that makes no sense to me. Parentification happens when no one is around to help you or support you, but Octavia had her dad right fucking there. She rejected him, and seemingly can't understand he's depressed???
Again, I am speaking for myself, but this entire rant of hers makes no sense to me. She's seen him light up around Blitz, be more open (maybe to open), and be happier, but doesn't acknowledge it???
My issue, a reminder I am talking about myself , with Octavia is she makes everything solely about herself and asks no important questions about her father. I know she is a rich girl, but she is shown to be empathetic and kind overall, so it feels out of character she doesn't even- try to understand. Even if it's hard.
When Parent A came back into my life I begged for a reason why. Why the hell did you leave!? What did Person C have that I didn't!? Why did you raise their child you didn't birth but not me!? What did I do wrong!? What was so bad you left!?
None of these questions were asked, Octavia goes straight to making accusations which makes no sense. The fact she expected Blitz to die??? Like Loona wasn't going to be fatherless??? Like she's 17. Via is a bright and smart girl. Did she really look down on Blitz that much??? (genuine question, not tryna be a smart ass)
Octavia: You lied to me.
Stolas: What?
Octavia: *pushes Stolas away* You lied to me! You said you would never leave me! You promised!
Stolas: Via. I-I didn't leave you I-I- I would never, it wasn't my choice.
Octavia: It was your choice. You chose HIM!
I also think this whole scene is why Stolas made the choice he made. While he had an inclination he could die- he knew his privilege could possibly save him. It's why he was a bit confused and not sure of what was going to happen.
He was hanging onto the hope he'd not die. Afterwards the reality sets in as to what he had just done and what he truly lost. Stolas took a risk on a hunch.
The man had no choice. As a father, as a person, as a soulmate, he was in an impossible situation where he had to use his privilege. He had no other option or Loona would be fatherless.
Stolas: Via, no! I didn't I just- I had to. You don't understand.
Octavia: *clenches fist as magic forms* I do understand! I understand that we were never enough for you! You never loved mother, and you don't love me, you love him. *holds up happy pills* And you needed THESE! Was this my fault that you needed these?
Stolas: No! No, never Via! *grabs Octavia's hands* Sweetie, please. You have always been the only good thing in my life!
Octavia: So does that mean you just stayed miserable because of me? *tearing up* Was I some fucking obligation? Is that why you didn't even hesitate when you got a chance to leave?
This next part always pisses me off because Via's expectation of her father are so high. That he cannot have autonomy outside of their family. She is so attached at the hip to him that anytime he deviates from loving her entirely it is a slight against her.
Also the obligation part of that statement boils my blood, because girl- you don't even know what it is like to have your parent look at you and tell you to your face "you're just a responsibility to me". Because I lived that shit. I lived knowing Parent A didn't want me because I was just to much.
Stolas stayed and loved on this girl. He gave her the whole universe and more and somehow that isn't enough.
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Of course I sympathize with the sentiment, but nothing in Stolas's behavior nor him being with Blitz suggests she was ever solely an obligation to him.
If Stolas truly viewed her as a responsibility he wouldn't show any concern for her. Parent A in my life acted distant and emotionally withdrawn. They didn't take care of me anymore, acting like a ghost of their former self. They took care of my most basiepc and fundamental needs while Octavia is borderline spoiled and-
FUCK why couldn't I have that!? She sits there and complains but her parent came back for her?! She had a chance at closure and denied it! What kid of divorce does that!? What person does that?!
I know I shouldn't have this much turmoil over this. I really shouldn't. If anything I should be sympathizing with her entirely. Theoretically I should hate Stolas, but I can't because I know what it's like to be guilted for choosing yourself! I know what it's like to be forced to feel bad for being depressed! It's why I love Stolas so much and understand him completely.
But when it comes to Via, the character who borderline mimics my trauma I just- can't fully empathize. I can rationalize her thinking and- understand where it may stem from, but it still leaves me aggravated and unsatisfied.
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While I may be ranting and rambling at this point- I may just be projecting and it's why I said to not take this post as something to generalize the collective- but I am thoroughly dissatisfied with Octavia's writing.
So much of it tries to mimic divorce related trauma, but none of what she has been through would initiate such a response.
She hasn't been abandoned, her father is right there.
She isn't an obligation, all of her needs are met and she gets all she wants along with a nurturing environement.
She was enough for her father, he came back for her. If she wasn't enough he'd never come back.
All of the claims she makes are easily debunked with rational thinking and do not make sense when you have lived through divorce yourself. Again, I can be projecting, but FUCK I needed to vent about this.
It just feels like such a fickle iteration of what real divorce looks like for us.
Ask Box is Open ofc.
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thursdayg1rl · 8 months ago
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ok omg im back from the concert
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karmaajr · 6 days ago
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in the car rn right after my sister had another fucking breakdown (shes a bit mad lol) n tried to beat the shit outta me LOLLLL 😭😭✨️✨️
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every-sanji · 9 months ago
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andromeda3116 · 4 months ago
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like i really think people outside small towns - especially in the south - wildly underestimate what it takes to leave them
like, here's what it took for me to move 450 miles from home:
familial support on both sides of the move, i.e.:
--people to help pack the u-haul for free
--someone to drive the u-haul for free
--a place to stay overnight after arriving in the new city for free
--people to help me unpack the apartment for free
--people to chip in on gas
--people to buy lunch/dinner on the way over
--people to give advice on where to look for apartments
--people to give me a place to stay while apartment-hunting so that i didn't have to go in sight-unseen to a new home
--a big one: a brother with whom i lived for a year at very cheap rent and expenses to save up what i could
a decent job in a niche in-demand field back home, which allowed me get a well-paying job here in the same in-demand field with enough experience to start off in a good place
a reliable, reasonably fuel-efficient car that could travel 450 miles without concern (which was paid off beforehand)
a $4500 personal loan from the bank (which i used every single penny of) - which also required:
--good enough credit to qualify for a personal loan
--enough income from the previous year to get enough from the loan to move
enough income pre-move to cover expenses for my final month at home and my first three weeks of work here before getting a paycheck
(aside: people were like "why would you start your new job less than a week after moving?? that's so stressful!!!" like my doll my dear my darling i needed the fucking paycheck as quickly as possible after moving)
enough food to bring along so i could eat between moving and getting that check
related, and also in the "familial support" column: people to help me pay for gas and/or feed me if i ran out of money/food
of course the baseline of a home to stay in at all back home, internet to do the zoom interview and find apartments to rent, as well as the structure in the hometown like a u-haul facility and a good bank with which i have a long-standing account
also, only having to move myself and my pets rather than having children who would need to have either daycare or schooling lined up on the other side of the move
now, like, obviously you can move without these things - and of course any kind of support system can take the place of my family, either friends or community groups or government programs - but they are not easy things to necessarily contact or interact with from hundreds of miles away, and not having them leaves you potentially very vulnerable in the new place, sometimes to the point of life-threatening
and i wasn't even that poor! i mean i was below the median income, but only by a few grand - and it still required a solid baseline at home, support on both sides of the move, and a personal loan, and i still barely managed to do it
"why don't you just move???" is such a severely, blindly, mind-bogglingly classist statement that it makes me just immediately disengage with whoever is saying it
like, even if you don't have roots in the place you're at, moving away is fucking hard and fucking expensive
--signed, someone who has been rankling deeply at the casual way people talk about "just mov[ing]" like that's a normal, easy, obvious thing to do and not something that is absolutely price-gated to hell and back
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dzozef · 3 days ago
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im in a good mood cause my work enemy is getting her life ruined while all i had to do was keep quiet and do my best 🥱
#basically shes been making management think for years that shes the only capable person there and they pay her sooooo much more than#everyone else#but now because me and two girls from my team have been quietly working hard and having amazing results#management decided to look into that and even trust us in more serious positions#and now management realized were all doing great and are on her level.. all while realizing shed been taking credit for our work all along#and to prove them wrong she decided to take a 2 week vacation thinking everything will fall apart when shes gone#(note: she genuinely thinks shes the best and smartest and master manipulator etc... shes not)#but everything was okay while she was gone ahahahaha#and the realization hit management like a truck#and i just do happen to have insider information on all of this teehee so im not speaking out of my ass#and the worst part is we keep working hard and getting praised#while shes going down with “idk how we ever let ourselves raise one person up that high”#WHILE#the three of us have fullfilling lives outside of work. while she literally has no life and her whole personality and activities in life#are this job#maybe im a little mean but this woman took credit for our work to get ahead. she constanly tries to frame us for her mistakes#she literally sets up situations against protocol so that a fuckup will happen in our shifts and she can point to iy#and has manipulated management into firing people just because they were a lil mean to her privately#my fav thing to do is not pay attention when she tells the whole group how amazingly she did smth (she boasts A LOT) and when she asks me#“omg adora are you even here?” and im like “sorry just focusing on this email rn”. anyway this drives her crazy cause she cant do anything#about it without looking insane#teehee#yapping#i wrote a whole essay but sry im just in a good mood cause i found out she wrote me a fake email about how management is unhappy w my work#only to find out that exact same manager is in fact extremely happy w my work and is unhappy with hers instead AHHAAHHA#i cant shes so pathetic 😭😭😭😭
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galebecky97 · 21 days ago
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my wretched daughter
#she's more of an aunt to me really. but that doesn't roll off the tongue quite as nicely#bg3#bg3 tav#tav#baldur's gate 3#my art#oc sheet#becky#more facts: she's an only child. she grew up in a castle. she smells bad. she has piercings i can't be assed to draw. she's neurotypical.#🫶#i wish i could do that emoji but with green skin#olive green 5 to be exact#i've been told half orcs age faster than humans but im ignoring that i need the viewer to know she's 40#peak comedy meme tav hit out the park on MY FIRST TRY 🔥🔥💪#who plays as a fucking half orc first and foremost MEEEEE#it's ONLY because goblin wasn't an option. i am saying this very severely in a gravelly voice. perhaps beneath a large brimmed hat#i wish i knew the like specific dialect i give her. i've tried researching it but im never 100% sure so.#the guy in rivington with the long black hair/bangs who's yelling abt refugees at the camp? that's the accent. he has it less exaggerated.#LOL is it obvious how important her voice is to me? 🤪#u can even call him out for it being rivingtonian so we've speculated that's where she's from#but also she's royalty? so idk ajsjhdjej#the campaign took so long bc it took me a while to get the hang of the game and solve all the puzzles bc i refused assistance#she did go half illithid but i'll never draw the face thing. peace and love#she took her men to defeat the elder brain: halsin gale and minsc#annnnnnnnd then she took control of the world bc she thought it'd be sick. she did not think through the ramifications. oh well !#i wish i was faster at this whole making art thing because i have so much to show and make and do#so hey yayyyy for getting something out today#i hope others find her amusing as i do#💚
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lucithornz · 3 months ago
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Oh yeah I think I forgot to post here, but I had some shit come up. I was in a pretty bad car accident Monday. I am fine BUT idk how this is gonna impact my time and mental space for the next few weeks/months.
It could be since I currently don't have a car I might go stir crazy at home and do nothing but write fic. It could be I also go stir crazy and decide I need to run 10 miles to feel something. I just don't know yet.
But you best believe the next chapter I update will have a fun author's note <3
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mspeevee · 8 months ago
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I usually say hi to customers and then immediately ask if they need bags, but I'll do the small talk if they ask me how I'm doing, but typically I won't initiate that cuz... Small talk us already so bad, and then doing that for every person I see for 5 hours?? No ty
Anyways I have this one customer who always does this passive aggressive "I'm good how are you" everytime I ask ABT bags smh like it isn't that big a deal bro trust me
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you know, I feel like, as little money as I have, I still haven’t put into perspective how much I have that could still be of use. I’m not so poor that I can’t make a difference. I can still buy a meal if I go out. I can buy a trinket. I’m not so poor or struggling with life that I don’t have food in my stomach and a place to sleep. Donating like I have this week has me wanting to do something that I hope many others are already doing. For every cent I would have spent for myself, on groceries, deliveries, gifts, etcetera (beyond the strikes where I am not spending money on anything but Palestinian causes) I will donate equal or greater that amount to Palestine. Because if I have money for me, I should have money for others. This is not me setting myself on fire to keep others warm, I know I would be of no use long term if I destroyed myself by going entirely broke with no way to survive myself. This is considering things beyond medical bills and life expenses that I need to keep going. When I count groceries, it’s things like when I use Instacart bc I can’t go out, because even though I don’t have a means of transportation, delivery is a luxury and if I can afford to pay for that, I can afford to donate. If I buy something non-essential like some snacks or the like, I have to match it with a donation. Because if I can afford to buy that, I can afford to donate. And just due to the nature of being a reminder, every time I get my period I’m going to donate to sanitary products for Palestine, because while pads are an essential product, donating even a little bit towards helping others get even the opportunity to get the same access as I do is an important reminder. There’s $5 donations available for those, and that’s about the cost of an average subscription I would be able to afford— it won’t buy a whole kit, but it will still put money towards that goal. I may not be able to do all the good the world needs, but the world needs all the good that I can do. As much as I can spare, I will donate. I only wish I could do more.
#idk it kind of hit me this week when I had to spend some money what I would do to make an impact with my money since I had to spend some#that the policy of matching whatever I spent here with donations to Palestine would be a great way to keep up action#and a reminder with every cent I spend of Palestine#I only pray that someday soon I will gain the freedom to actually do some more physical irl work as well#rn I’m not in a safe place to do so without the risk of losing my freedom to do anything and health#i can’t even call out loud when my parents are in the house because any word I would say would be grounds to take away more of my freedom#like they did when I donated to Black Lives Matter and they physically took me to a public place to scold me#and have monitored my bank account ever since.#I’ve been using PayPal mostly for donations ever since due to that not showing up immediately but#I DID use my direct card to send. sanitary kits. they won’t win that one if they take me out to scold me though lol#anyway these tags aren’t important I’m just equal parts emboldened and frustrated#emboldened by the idea of a way I can make a more direct impact beyond sharing and archiving#and frustrated that even then my options are slim and I have to be cautious#I wish I could risk it all but I would be of no help if I put myself in a position where I was either homeless or unable to act at all#I hope this doesn’t come across self important#it’s just me making a statement that I want to follow#idk this is just me working out the complexities of my situation and what I can do long term#while still actually making an impact directly on the world both right now and sustainably
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arolesbianism · 1 year ago
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Almost got too comfortable with liking a whole 3 25ji originals and tried listening to a 25ji cover playlist before I remembered that I do indeed still very much not like a good 99% of their covers
#rat rambles#sekai posting#samsa has become one of my favorite sekai songs period and bug and inanndesu are both alas absolute bangers#but one of those is hard carried by the story its tied to and the other is bug so it just kinda plain goes hard#but fr they sound sooooo fucking good in zamuza and the lyricssssss god#songs that hit harder if I close my eyes and pretend its more abt kanade than it actually is#Id be lying tho if I said that they dont sound good in inandesu#like bro it doesnt deserve to be in my top ten sekai songs but it still is so#like it goes hard they sound good miku sounds good the event is one of my favorite sekai events its so unfair#y'know truly these three songs are representative of my relationship with 25ji as a whole if you think abt it fndjfbdh#I went into bug not expecting it to go so hard zamuza hit me hard but took a lil while to appreciate the other members in it and inandesu#stuck in my brain against my will#and mizuki fits into this cause theyre the only 25ji member that isnt tied for my favorite sekai character lol#like look they have good originals. just none that I like the group cover or even the misuki solo of#like lower is pretty good. I hate the 25ji version tho#idk maybe Ill like kitty more in the future if I end up giving it more of a chance but it doesnt rly call to me rn#also on a almost related note god I wish I could like the vbs version of hitsuji ga ippiki more but idk why it just does not click with me#idk if its just me liking the vocaloid version too much or if the boys bring it down that much for me but smth abt it man idk#speaking of the guys rip to akito for not getting the yy solo he desperately needed#bro is doomed to only have one good solo til the end of time </3#like Im happy for an but man I wish all of them got yy solos they all sound soooo good in that cover#also give me shanti solos because I wanna like vbs shanti soooo bad but smth abt it doesnt click in the way I want it to#also delete vbs egoist from the game thanks <3
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man-made-misery · 2 years ago
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Tw for illness/death
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theskeletoninthegarden · 2 years ago
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There's got to be a word for something that's not exactly deja vu, but isn't exactly nostalgia, or fernweh, either. This exact combination of senses is familiar to me, but has never actually happened before.
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neverendingford · 17 days ago
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#tag talk#idk. I'm thinking about therapy now. it's really based on the self report model which means that it's weakness is#is a patient who cannot accurately self report their own internal world. emotions. and thoughts.#which. when you have a pervasive need to lie about yourself. to mask. to retell the truth to fit your own narrative. that's kind of an issu#my second (and by far least favorite therapist) refused to ever actually engage in dialogue with me. she simply sat back and watched/listen#which left me simply spinning in place. running through every stupid social trick I knew just to find a direction to take things.#I'm gonna break away from that thought because there's a more pressing thing in my head right now.#are you familiar with the fear that comes with being seen and recognized? the realization that you're no longer cloaked by anonymity?#I'm feeling that a little here with these tag talks. I used to be confidently ignored and left alone to ramble on my own#and that's changed a little bit. not immensely. y'all are still politely ignoring these generally. but.. idk#I crave intimacy and dialogue and social interaction but simultaneously it's terrifying.#I so deeply want connection but the pressure and expectation that comes with it is genuinely frightening to me.#I really don't know how people do it. the only solid relationships in my life are with people who are fundamentally detached from me.#ugh I want to finish this thought but letting it dwell in my head really hurts. do I push through it or do I leave off here?#fuck it I'm gonna force my way through. I'm not giving up here.#I'm scared. that's it. I'm scared. scared people are going to see me. scared people will talk to me. but I want that!#I want to be seen. to be known. to be recognized. it's that deep seated human social drive that I can't escape. it's so fucking stupid.#idk. I've decided that if I ever top 100 followers I'm gonna just up and move blogs. start fresh and start over.#I'm not Super close to that but I'm reasonably close (not giving you a percentage because that's just.. my actual follower count)#it feels like tumblr etiquette to not publicly state your follower count. and idk. I actively don't want followers.#I want my isolated conclave with comfortable faces and familiar blogs. people are scary so I necessarily don't want too many around#damn I got way off topic. what the fuck was I talking about? I was onto something heavy before I lost track#ugh maybe I need to take a break from tumblr for a while. my queue has been running at full for a while and it's stressing me out.#I'm on here too much spinning and spinning and spinning with no traction.#I need to take these new thoughts and feelings and really just get out and experiment with them. stop just running on my hamster wheel#I think if I can get dms dealt with in the next few days I can just delete tumblr off my phone and take a sabbatical#it's been a while since I took a real break from here. it would be nice I think.#I just.. I don't like feeling like I'm talking to a person. I don't like feeling like these are going to be seen#and that's not your fault! I'm literally hitting the “Post” button. that's my choice to put these out semi-publicly#I don't want to ever put that responsibility on someone else when it's my own choice to make myself visible.
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possum-tooth · 1 month ago
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hm. what to do.
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